#vs me choosing an abby [i only have 2 but asking me to choose between voxel and kudzu is like asking a parent to pick a favourite child]

[zosonils]

the ancient share thing i've seen a couple people doing :] some ancients i've currently only got as part of the flight rep collection, and because of that i don't have a cool finished dusthide to show off yet since i'm waiting on them getting rockbreaker [pour one out lmao], but i'm still proud of my little collection!

voxel 91032038 | gravity 94212138 | flora 99083620

inferno 91322995 | seaglass 98992969 | blizzard 95430869

masu 92950190 | koi 89497960 | rosalina 91646535

[purplesunrisefanfic]

A long-ass defence of the unsexy sex scene between Abby and Owen.

(No pictures of it are included here because gross)

So, at the risk of alienating pretty much everyone who follows me, I actually think **that** scene with Abby and O🤢🤢n is a worthwhile storytelling element, and I see why that scene was included but not a Dina/Ellie one. (Even though “I wish things were different.”)

With Dina/Ellie, they love each other, they have a fairly healthy relationship, they have chemistry. Everything that, story-wise, needs to be shown can be (and was) shown without needing a full sex scene. Yeah, I would really like to see a sex scene between them, for sure, but I can’t pretend that because I think there’s vital story elements hidden in there. Not at all because, let’s be honest, we KNOW they had great sex. No one who wants that scene wants it because they’re wondering if they had good sex or not, we want it because we wanna see some great sex.

You‘re not seriously doubting that I’m good in bed, are you?

I’m not dissing us for that, representation matters, and I think Neil made a HUGE error of judgement when he spoke about a sex scene in a context where we’d all assume it was Dina/Ellie. (And that was a moment of terrible judgment that I would be classing as queerbaiting has it not been for the SO FUCKING MUCH groundbreakingly excellent representation in Part 2. In this case, I think it was an example of how even when you work really hard at things you can still make mistakes, still be thoughtless to how much impact you can accidents have on a representation-starved group. And yeah, it’s not easy to let him off the hook for something that important to me, but I do think he’s done enough overall to earn an assumption of good faith here. Not least because I don’t really don’t think anyone’s purchase actually hinged on whether we saw a Dina/Ellie sex scene vs a make out scene and a well-developed queer relationship, and the whole point of queerbaiting is to manipulate us into buying or consuming things we otherwise wouldn’t.)

But to get back to the main point, I think it’s important to recognise that we don’t wish we’d had that scene because we feel like there’s something vital to the story that we don’t know for not seeing it. We have good reasons for wanting that scene, but thinking that we missed out on some vital characterisation, relationship or story elements isn’t one of them.

Now, the sex scene that we do see is very different. First thing I wanna say is that this isn’t a sex scene that only lesbians or people who dislike Owen find to be uncomfortable. I’ve seen some critiques where I feel like a gulf might have opened up with that. Where it’s maybe kinda of assumed that if you are into that type of sex and don’t hate Owen, then that’s an equivalent to the Dina/Ellie scene that we didn’t get, and it’s NOT. Dina and Ellie having sex for the first time is a situation that opens a door (a door which then walk through with them in other ways, such as the small moments of love and bonding that we see portrayed so beautifully) while Abby/Owen having sex for the last time is a scene about reaching a dead end. It’s about realising that the past is a dead end. It’s a scene that I’ve not seen anyone, even people who didn’t find it uncomfortable, describe as sexy.

Abby has dwelled on the past for four years. She trained herself up to kill Joel. She took no notice of what she was doing and who she was becoming in the present because all she thought about was the past. She ended up “top Scar killer” without really noticing (though that point is more my subjective opinion than the other points here, but I see no evidence she was proud or that or even really trying to achieve that). She killed kids and parents ruthlessly without paying any mind to her own morals or whether she even wanted to be a Wolf at all, because she was living in the past, getting whatever the job in the present was done without asking any questions because her head was never there. Everything she did as a Wolf was just a means to survive long to find Joel and be in a position to kill him when she did.

Eventually, as we know, she does find and kill Joel, and the experience doesn’t give her any of the closure she imagined. Her friendship groups fracture, her self-image is damaged, and she’s now both without closure and without purpose. But she still hasn’t quite figured out why. She hasn’t yet realised that dwelling on the past is the problem. Her ex is still in the picture, an ex that she lost “because of Joel” (in the sense that the main tensions we see in their relationship are linked to Abby’s dedication to revenge).

So caught up in revenge through 4 formative years of life, she’s not had the space to develop in ways she likely would have otherwise. She hasn’t moved past the idyllic childhood sweethearts idea, she’s not moved on to thinking about what she actually wants and needs in a partner. She’s not even noticed that her friends have moved on to more adult relationships, relationships where you might settle down with children, until she’s shocked into that realisation by the news that Mel is pregnant. (This is similar to a point Druckmann has made in an interview.)

Even then, the way she talks about suggests she’s still struggling with seeing the present clearly. She talks about it (especially to herself in Jackson) as if they are still teens, as they are 16ish and should have been more careful. There’s ample evidence, in my interpretation, that Abby’s ability to notice the present, to notice change, and to grow up herself has been near-stunted for the 4 years between Jerry’s death and Joel’s death.

So when she has sex with Owen, it’s another way of looking back. It’s another attempt to look for a future in her past, and I think that to really see and understand just how much she has tried to find a future in the past, and how much that has led her to betray her own values, betray her friends, and to be blinkered to the consequences of her own actions and how she finally realises all of this herself, we need to see the sex.

Because the sex is like the receipts. Like the death certificate for the long-overdue passing of her idea that her future can be made good by a fixation on the past.

Say they had had a shitty kiss instead. Well, that could be Owen holding back because he’s torn about Mel. They could be Abby holding back because she’s torn about Mel. If they do anything less than completely betray Mel, then there’s still room for Abby to believe that, if Mel were to suddenly never had existed or whatever, that her and Owen would be 16yo idyllic sweethearts forever.

So they have to totally betray Mel, they have to have clearly and totally disregarded her, for us (and for Abby) to see their relationship clearly. So it has to be sex. And for us to share in that process in Abby’s mind, the realisation that life has moved on, the realisation that her love for him is based on assuming nothing much has changed in 4 years when it has, the realisation that the past is dead end, we have to be with her for that.

Then we can see how she’s gotten to where she is and how she finally realises that there’s nothing that the past can give her. And then, she’s finally ready to see the present for what it is. She’s finally ready to see that what she does in the present matters, that she can chose whether or not two children live or die, and that she should focus on that. She’s ready to see that Owen was a guy she loved 4 years ago, not a guy she loves today. She’s ready to “Let It Go!(sorry, couldn’t resist!). She’s ready to question whether she’s actually this person who wants to be “top Scar killer.” We’re able to see just how much of herself has been lost on her revenge journey, how she can get on a better path, and why we think she’s worth having that chance. I don’t think that story could come together so richly without the visceral discomfort and the layered realisations that seeing her having (imo terrible, some folks have gone as far as “mediocre” and I’ve genuinely seen no-one rate it any higher) sex with Owen.

Abby: I’d rather watch 10 live amputations and have my own arm amputated than ever have sex with Owen again. In fact, I’d struggle to choose between sex with him and sex with the Rat King at this point.

Yara: I think you should try your luck with fucking the Rat King, can’t be any worse, can it?

Side point: This argument also touches on why I don’t believe that Abby is categorically canonically straight, because her whole arc relies on her being too stuck in the past to consider who she’s actually attracted to in the present. Normally, it’s kinda on the people making the media to show us queerness and not expect us to be satisfied that “well, they could be bisexual because we’ve never said they aren’t,” but I think TLOU does enough in terms of active representation to merit an exception, especially when there’s a strong storytelling reason why we never see anything of what she’s into beyond her childhood sweetheart. (I’m not saying she’s def bi, just that I think saying she’s canonically straight is dicey and that, unlike with almost any other form of media where I’m with y’all in the “straight until otherwise proven” approach, with Abby specifically I find it does give me some of the bi erasure feels that I get all the time irl when people describe her as canonically straight.)

I’m gonna pick Lev up from Scar Island, then find myself a hot woman who likes big arms, boats, and my precious adopted children.

[sevensoulmates]

Eddie reaction to Abby I found interesting because obviously he never met her but more the fact it was Eddie who told Bobby that he was abby fiaince when he said about working on the outside of the trian because I feel like it was the first time Eddie didn't trust bucks ability to do his job and think clearly(I feel like buck would said about the outside of the trian anyway because he always want to save everyone)

What do you think about eddies reactions to Abby and buck from the train crash, cause personally I feel like even if buck didn't know that Sam was abby finance he would still have tried to save both risking the train falling on him and yet Eddie basically told bobby to try to stop buck

So I’m gonna put these two asks together since they’re pretty similar. Strap in, this is gonna get long and analytical.

First of all, I think the choice to make Eddie be so prominent in these scenes between Buck and Abby was deliberate. There is only one time when Buck and Abby are talking that Eddie is not physically there watching everything. The whole rest of the time Eddie is there in every frame, every shot, and even gets close ups of his reactions. 

I think about the choices they make when choosing which characters will be in each scene. Because as we’ve seen before, they are willing to switch out certain characters to change the tone/impact of a scene. For example, we have Hen and Eddie being switched out for Karaoke with Albert, because (in my opinion) the writers felt that having Chim’s best friend Hen be the one singing karaoke with his brother would hurt Chimney MORE than just Eddie singing with Albert. Now the reason I point out switching characters, is because if the overall point of the Abby/Buck reunion was to make the other characters worry specifically about if Buck will continue his work professionally or if he will let his emotions affect him (ie. risking his life), who is the best character to get that reaction from? In my opinion, Bobby. We see it later on, but Bobby is the one who makes the decisions on if Buck can/cannot work as a firefighter any longer. The person Buck needs to prove he can be professional and put his emotions aside to is Bobby. Bobby is the reason we had the entire lawsuit storyline and Bobby is the one who can’t put aside his fatherly feelings for Buck and let him do his job. Their job literally is risking their lives to save people. 

So if they wanted the whole emotion vs. professionalism theme to be the main focus of conflict for Buck, in my opinion, the character to bring that out most would be Bobby. And yet Eddie is the one in this scene. I’ve heard people saying it had to be Eddie because he’s the only one who doesn’t know Abby. I kinda disagree mostly because I think if you had let Abby run into Bobby first, we would’ve had a whole new layer of “oh shit this is the woman who broke my adopted son’s heart” AND “Buck is going to act irrationally because Abby’s back”. Bobby would understand that implications of Abby being back on a deeper level than Eddie would (in my opinion given that Eddie never actually met nor saw any interactions between Buck/Abby). So why choose Eddie of all people to be the one who meets Abby first and have him be the one through which we as an audience are latching onto (since we are also the third party observers watching their reunion with an emotional stake). 

I think that Eddie was chosen to be the reaction conduit for multiple reasons. 1.) Eddie is Buck’s closest person other than Maddie and Bobby. Buck is a part of Eddie’s immediate family unit, and Eddie (alongside Christopher) is Buck’s person. Just like was stated in 3x16 everyone else has someone outside of work, except Buck, and even though he has Maddie, Maddie has her own person (and now will have a baby to prioritize too). The logical conclusion to who is Buck’s person/people, even without stating it within the episode, is obviously Eddie & Christopher. It’s shown throughout the entirety of this season. Eddie, Christopher and Buck have carved their own little family unit together, even if they don’t outwardly realize it yet. So who is the most at threat if Abby were to re-enter Buck’s life? Eddie. But then we get the information that Abby has a fiance and...

2.) Eddie is witnessing years of bitterness, heartbreak, confusion and betrayal wash over Buck in this moment. Buck has always been Eddie’s #1 support system with everything and now it’s Eddie’s turn to be his. Eddie recognizes that more than this being an emotional vs. professional time, that this is causing tremendous personal pain for Buck. Eddie understands that pain. He knows what it’s like to have a woman you loved come back and have to face that pain head on. But to see that that woman has completely moved on and forgotten about you? It’s a dead ringer back to 3x16 where Buck feels like everyone leaves him for bigger/better things and that he feels he’s not worth staying for. Eddie felt the exact same way with Shannon. Eddie understands Buck’s pain the most in this moment. And that’s why he’s not immediately like “hey, you gonna keep you’re head on straight and be professional about this?” but instead when Buck starts to zone out, Eddie steps in, he becomes the professional Buck needs him to be in that moment. He shields Buck bodily and only leaves when he has to. It just reminds me of when Eddie was mad at Buck for “making things all about him” and yet, in that moment, when Buck could make it about him again, instead Buck shuts down his emotions. It’s only when they’re presented with the choice of Abby’s fiance vs a stranger that it finally gets brought up again.

3.) Eddie and Abby are and have always been parallels of each other. They are/were both single people taking care of a disabled family member (Eddie & Carla’s scenes are the new Abby & Carla scenes). They both moved to escape crippling situations and found their forever families. They’re both strong-willed, cool-headed, good in a crisis, etc. They’re both people who become close to Buck very quickly. And, I’m just going to say it, they’re both the main loves Buck has had over the course of the show. Buck absolutely loves Eddie (even if it might not textually be romantic at the moment) with all his heart as seen by how he reacted to nearly losing him in 3x15, as seen by how hard he fights to be back with his team (with Eddie), how much he gives to be a partner and parental figure to Chris. This is all information we know PRIOR to knowing Abby has a fiance AND that that fiance has two kids who have become like Abby’s own kids. It’s just the most blatant and obvious parallel I’m actually shocked. Abby moved away and met a single father with kids, fell in love with him, became his fiance, and became a surrogate mother to his kids. I just...WHO DOES THAT REMIND US OF, HMM???

4.) Then we get the shift from Abby being a parallel to Eddie, to being a parallel to Buck. Eddie then becomes paralleled to the role of Abby’s fiance. Now it’s not just that Buck is fighting to save Sam because of Abby, but Buck’s fighting to save Sam because Sam is the love of Abby’s life, and they have kids who need them. Does that remind us of how hard Buck worked to make sure Eddie could go home to his son who needs him? Yes, yes, it does. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: Abby’s present is Buck’s future. Abby’s past is Buck’s present. In the scene where Abby and Buck talk post-train crash, everything Abby talks about the person she was and the place she was before leaving, is exactly who Buck is at the moment. Living life solely for the job. Putting work above himself and his relationship. Putting OTHER PEOPLE before himself always. And who Abby is now is someone who found herself, and through that found her fiance and kids who became her family. And we know that that is all Buck wants. He wants to find his people. He wants to find his family (he just doesn’t realize that he literally has it already). 

Yes, 100% Buck would’ve tried to save both of them, even if he didn’t know Sam was Abby’s fiance. But yes, knowing who Sam was and knowing Abby was waiting did color his motivations and again that’s why we have Bobby there to be like “here we go again”. Bobby could’ve been the sole voice of reason there. But instead, Eddie (once again) let’s HIS OWN FEELINGS get in the way of being professional. This time it’s Eddie who snaps, tells Bobby it’s because of Abby, and then storms off in a literal vertical train car but I digress. Eddie doesn’t just seem fed up with Buck in that moment, he seems hurt. And as we know an Eddie who feels hurt by Buck is an Eddie who lashes out. He’s hurt (and mad because Eddie Diaz has an unhealthy coping mechanism of getting mad when he gets his feelings hurt) that Buck is so willing to risk his life for someone who broke his heart. That Buck is willing to get himself killed, willing to let himself die and by extension shatter the hearts (and essentially abandon) everyone who loves him (Eddie, Chris, all of the 118, Maddie, etc). 

Eddie is mad because Buck is so willing to get himself killed (so willing to be torn from their lives) and for who? A woman who doesn’t love him anymore? A woman who has her own family and will move on with life even if Buck is not in it? No screw that, Eddie tells Bobby in the hopes that Bobby will talk him out of it, but when they just squabble Eddie has to shut that down too. Because Bobby is equally afraid of losing Buck. He’s been proving that all season. It’s the reason Buck has to pull the Athena card to try to get through to Bobby. Because at the end of the day, regardless of their familial feelings for each other, this is their job. And Bobby has to let Buck do it.

Buck actually has a good plan that could work. If Eddie had been the one to suggest this plan, I have no doubt that Bobby (and Buck) would’ve been right behind him. They’d be worried, but they would not question Eddie’s judgement. But because Bobby and Eddie are so invested in Buck emotionally, they don’t want Buck to risk his life even though that’s literally all of their freaking jobs. Now it’s Eddie’s turn and Bobby’s turn to put aside their personal feelings. Put aside their fear of losing Buck. They let him use his proven creativity and intelligence in near-impossible situations, and they let him make the risky save. And in the end, he’s right, and he saves both of them. And this proves that Buck’s heart, and his drive to save people no matter what, the way that he never gives up, makes him a better firefighter--and a better person. And it’s the reason why the people in his life love him so much. So, yes, while I think both Eddie and Bobby doubted Buck in that moment. I think Buck proved that when he is given the chance to prove himself, his head and his heart are the winning combination (this is also why I adore Oliver’s tattoo because it fits Buck’s character so well).

I think the finale was so buddie heavy, and so buddie positive despite there not being anything super concrete about their romantic relationship in the ending moments. I think we’re slowly but surely getting there, and I’m so excited to see it unfold.

[lingeringscars]

bellamy’s mindset through the show can basically be broken up into 3 parts: we save who we can save (s1-4, 6), the ends justify the means (5), and sacrificing the few to save the many (7). there are caveats to all of this: in s1-4, bellamy will put the life of octavia over everyone else. in season 5, spacekru is where his loyalties lie and who he is willing to protect above all else, but only after his relationship with both octavia and clarke is severed. in season 7 this just isn’t true anymore. he’s trying to save everyone, not just his people, and he isn’t willing to run into situations that would get himself killed to save them anymore. it was the start of him learning how to balance himself and what he wants/believes in ( for once ) with the interests of the people he loves. for the first time ever, the few include his family. prior to that, he was willing to do anything for them, willing to die and kill, and it was just what could have been a conclusion to his arc because finally finally finding self love and not putting everything he is in others. that’s all i’m gonna say about s7 bc .. yeah. 

in early seasons, he also focuses more on protecting his people as a way to justify his choices. i once read a post talking about how bellamy says protect and clarke says save, and I think that does a good job at hinting where his mindset is. bellamy takes preemptive action as a way to try and protect his people. he can’t see 89 steps ahead of him, he only sees what is directly in front of him. this inability to look ahead and focus on saving who is in front of him has indirectly caused the deaths of multiple people -- and because it’s bellamy he of course blames himself for them too but it’s not something he thinks of until confronted with it. 

season 1

i don’t really have a lot of examples for s1 because it’s really .. a lot of protecting octavia & himself

hanging murphy is one though. when they discover murphy’s knife, i do believe bellamy put the pieces together before everyone else. i’ve talked a bit before about that and how based off what’s been shown, i think he was going to talk to murphy when they were alone instead of outright. this is also one of my examples when i think about how bellamy & abby have a similar leadership style. he’s more willing to keep that a secret because he understands how people will response - and he ends up being right. instead of blaming himself for this though, he transfers the blame onto clarke because he didn’t want people to know for this exact reason. he at that point had also put trust and faith in murphy and would have wanted to protect him from that, but by the time he hangs him, he has to choose between murphy and the rest of the delinquents. the delinquents are more important to keeping octavia safe if they’re on his side, and he has to go through with it. flash forward, and his relationship with murphy becomes increasingly contentious because murphy then leads the manhunt against charlotte. charlotte, to him, is just an innocent kid and he can’t handle murphy being willing to go after a child ( basically insert misplaced big brother feelings ). he feels the intense need to protect charlotte, even when it comes out that she’s guilty, and that goes first.

destroying the radio. this was a big protect himself ( and therefore protect o because he still believes he’s the only one that can ) moment. if raven could contact the ark and let them know that they’re all alive, then he’s as good as dead. he doesn’t know about the culling of the ark, at least not that it’s happening now. even still, clarke saying that it’s his people ( factory station ) that will die... isn’t on his mind. he knows that’s true, knows that it’ll be his people and not the elite. the beginning of s1 is rooted in his focus on the power dynamics on the ark in this way and it’s how he connects with the delinquents. by destroying the radio, he effectively signs the death warrants of 300 people. while he does try to stop this by showing them where he threw the radio and working on setting flares off, it’s another way that bellamy indirectly kills people because of his desire to protect (himself and) octavia. 

focus on the number dead vs alive. this is just a big bellamy thing especially earlier on. bellamy focuses on the number dead when they’re leaving camp, and clarke has to correct him to the number that are still alive. the delinquents at this point are his people, and he has felt every death ( she only came because of me ). his focus is on the people he couldn’t save, and that continues going into season 2

season 2

mel. when faced with mel, bellamy says that they don’t know how if their people are still alive, but they can save this one girl. this really begins his we save who we can save today mindset, and he focuses on the fact that they can help her when the odds are insurmountable. 

infiltrating mount weather + protecting echo. the 100 are his people; it doesn’t matter what the risks are because he’s doing what he can to bring them back and get them out. while in mount weather, other people become his people, such as maya. it’s also another moment where bellamy has to kill someone in order to escape the cages ( a direct threat to himself and others there ). bellamy has no reason to trust or protect echo at this point because he’s just come out of the war with the grounders and still prejudiced against them, and yet when they come at her, he makes noise so they take him ( the strong ) instead. he does what he has to to ensure that she’s protected for the time being, and then she helps him in return. killing the mount weather guard didn’t completely hit him until he saw the son of the person he killed, having to confront that there are children in mount weather and that the person he killed had people that needed him. 

pulling the lever. bellamy focuses on the people that have helped him and the children in mount weather as people that need to be saved too. they helped him so there has to be another way. it’s hearing raven being tortured and seeing that octavia will be too that makes him change his mind and help clarke because he sees that they don’t have time. as much as the other’s have helped him, they aren’t his people. octavia is his responsibility and he needs to make sure he protects her first. 

season 3

the massacre. i’m only going to focus on this here because it’s really the main thing but also brings him back into the we save who we can save. he asked gina to stay back to protect her, thinking she’d be safer there. he spent early s3 focused on finding and bringing clarke back as well. bellamy is also still recovering from having to kill people in mount weather because of lexa’s betrayal, and because of his prejudices, he lumps all grounders into one and is unable to see that azgeda blew up mount weather, not trikru. when lexa sends trikru warriors to protect them, he doesn’t believe the intentions because the last time they were there to help them, they made a deal with the enemy and turned their backs. they’re always going to put their people first. so is bellamy. the entire time he backs pike, it’s focusing on protecting their people. he doesn’t go into the massacre thinking that he wants to kill people, tries to get pike to spare the women and children and does convince him to spare indra ( i honestly don’t remember what the reasoning was but i think it has to do with her importance to octavia and at this point lincoln too ). he thinks that he’s protecting his people before they can get killed. this is a shift from the past two seasons too, which obviously influence this because he didn’t strike first in season 1 or against the mountain men in s2 and it led to the deaths of some of the delinquents and torture of raven. act first and he doesn’t have to live in fear of them attacking first, and thus convincing himself that he’s protecting everyone. 

season 4

blowing up the hydrogenator. this is one of the best examples of bellamy being unable to think ahead. outside of his intense faith in raven, he thinks they have six months to figure something else out. he sees the suffering in those people now. he can’t do anything about praimfaya, but he can save the people here. they’re being forced to work, they’re going to be moved, and a little girl tells him all of this. he sees the suffering and has to act ( how many people do you have to save before you forgive yourself ). these people had one day, but by saving them, the skaikru survival number has gone from 500 to 100. raven and clarke are able to see that he just sentenced all of these people to death, but bellamy sees that he gave them another day to live. 

opening the bunker. octavia above everyone else. clarke is telling him what the consequences of opening the bunker would be, but he can’t focus on that because octavia is on the other side of the bunker. it’s not just octavia though because kane is out there too. by opening the bunker, bellamy is again sentencing 400 people to death, and he again doesn’t view it this way. he sees that octavia and kane will die if he doesn’t. by doing this he also inadvertently saved 600 more people, which matters after the time jump.  

protecting echo. this !! is the moment that sparked this entire thing. it’s so subtle but when emori’s suit breaks, bellamy steps in front of echo and stops murphy from taking it. it’s another one of those moments where by doing this, he effectively sentenced emori to death. it’s not that he was trying to do this, and while i also use this moment as a way to show that b/echo always had a foundation even if bellamy pretended like they didn’t, it’s also just that he knows echo. anyway, if murphy takes echo’s suit, echo will die. bellamy steps in front with that mindset, not that by not letting murphy do this, emori dies.

season 5

threatening the lives of 300 inmates. not much has changed huh. bellamy threatening 300 people for the life of 1 ( who it’s important to note he originally thought was octavia ). octavia still comes first even after six years in space. upon finding out that clarke is alive, he doesn’t change his strategy because ... well.. she’s alive. he then uses this as leverage to save the rest of his people -- which at this stage, now includes wonkru just not in that train of thought. when it comes to saving the people in the bunker, he wants them all saved. even if o is still the priority at this point. 

killing kara. ends justify the means. taking lives to save them. the difference is that now bellamy actually views it this way. it isn’t just about protecting his people, he’s acknowledging that he is killing them. he is sacrificing the few to save the many. the only reason why he isn’t completely in this mindset is because he’s trying to save octavia from herself. it’s the beginning stages of sacrificing his own people though, which was never an option prior to season 5. he was willing to do anything for those he had promised to protect, and kara was originally skaikru. now, she was completely wonkru but bellamy didn’t want to believe that wonkru was completely the enemy and that his sister was still in there somewhere ( this didn’t change until after she burned the farm because he would never be able to forgive her willingness to sacrifice her own people when there was another option. when peace was an option. he is entirely unable to see octavia’s perspective and why she needs to be out of the bunker. he’s had peace the past six years, even if not peace of mind, unlike octavia and so he only sees that there is another way ). 

poisoning o + putting the chip in madi. prior to s5, he never would have poisoned o. he always thought that she would wake up and that they would have peace and she would understand. honestly prior to s5, putting the chip in madi probably also wouldn’t have been an option because of her age. this time he actually can see ahead more than he could before space, but he still doesn’t anticipate what does happen. he’s willing to betray clarke because honestly he thinks she’s overreacting. he still doesn’t think octavia will harm madi and he believes this is the only way to save them all. he’s terrified when it looks like madi might not wake up / take to the flame. ( and honestly part of why he can forgive clarke quickly is bc of this - he put her daughter in danger and he once upon a time would have done anything for o. ). putting madi at risk was a necessary risk to him though because it meant that all of their people might survive. he knows that the rest of his family is in danger if this doesn’t work, so it’s also putting spacekru above everyone else, and in the end he does decide them over o and clarke.

season 6

casting octavia out. while in s5 he had decided that his people specifically were spacekru, casting octavia out was because she was a threat to all of them. she had walked them into a war that destroyed earth, and after monty and harper died, he takes doing better to heart. he hasn’t forgiven himself for his actions on earth, many of which were to protect octavia, and his first action on sanctum is deciding that octavia is a threat that needs to be contained. she isn’t someone he knows anymore, and she is a threat to his family and everyone else. it’s not an easy decision, but he is deciding that she needs to go to keep everyone else safe from her. if octavia had died, it would have been another indirect death as a result of his actions, which i think he knows. i also think he blames octavia for monty & harper because if she hadn’t forced them into war, earth never would have been destroyed and they wouldn’t have spent their entire lives trying to find a new home for them. he isn’t going to let octavia threaten what monty and harper left for them.  

clarke. i don’t remember a lot of s6 but he does backslide into putting one above all. he does try for peace prior to finding out clarke is alive, but clarke brings up all of these feelings in him about protection in general. he’s already cast out octavia, lost harper and monty, and he’s grieved clarke before. he can’t go through that again, so they come up with a plan. when it goes south, he still looks to echo for confirmation that she can handle it. when she gives him permission, he leaves. he no longer thinks about the people he left behind because all he can see is that clarke will die. if he doesn’t take action, she WILL die. he believes in echo and thinks that she can handle herself and so the people he left behind.. they’re safe in his head but clarke isn’t. he also partially blames himself for this because he should have known clarke would be a target and didn’t do anything. clarke is the person that needs to be saved and the one he knows that they can. when he finds out that that aren’t safe, he works to make sure that they will be.  

[travllingbunny]

The 100 (re-) rewatch: 4x12 The Chosen

4x12 The Chosen

While this is the only penultimate episode in the first 5 seasons that isn’t supposed to be the first part of a two-part finale, half of the episode (the storyline with Clarke, Bellamy and the rest of the team on the mission to fetch Raven) is practically Praimfaya, part 1, while the A storyline feels like the season 4 finale for everyone who is still in the bunker(Kane, Abby, Jaha, Octavia etc.), although she gets two more scenes at the start of 4x13, before that storyline gets a direct continuation in the flashbacks of 5x02, Red Queen.  

This episode also feels like the culmination of Kane’s arc. After this, it seemed like the show didn’t really know what to do with him, except to make him a supporting player in the story of Abby’s downward spiral, which really begins here. (I do really like Kane’s final episode in season 6, though.) Jaha will get one last hurray in his important role in Red Queen, but after this, it feels like the leadership baton has really been passed to the younger generation.

My thoughts on the complicated grey moral issues from this episode and season 4 in general got too long when I finished writing them, so I’ve put them in this previous post. 

Other thoughts on the episode are below.

This may be my favorite Abby moment in several seasons: going back on her previous statement that “Maybe there are no good guys” (from the season 2 finale) and telling Clarke that yes, there are good guys, and Clarke is one. She is a hero. It’s also a sign of the show starting to show that moral relativism of that kind is not its final statement on morality. Sadly, Clarke does not quite believe her (as we will see in 5x01, she still tends to think “There are no good guys”, and even after changing her mind and accepting Monty’s message to “Be good guys”, she still doubts in 6x02 that she is one of them – even hearing Abby in her mind, voicing Clarke’s own guilt and self-loathing, telling her she is not one of the good guys.) Instead, she is looking towards Bellamy – wondering if he will forgive her (which he does, just a few hours later) and needing to know if he also thinks that she is one of the good guys.

I’ve always thought that the moment in 4x11 when she aimed a gun at Bellamy and burst into tears as she realized she couldn’t do it, was what finally pushed Clarke to fully understand and admit to herself how she felt about him. When we see everyone at the start of 4x12, Bellamy is brooding and looking at no one, while Clarke is hyper-focused on him.

This is the last time Clarke and Niylah see each other before Praimfaya and the six-year time jump – and it’s a bit sad that Clarke doesn’t even seem to say goodbye to her, but – even though Clarke did care for her and has tried to make sure that she survives, Niylah has probably always known that she was not one of the people Clarke feels most strongly for. That was already obvious in 3x11, when Clarke was focused on Bellamy’s emotional state (even though she had learned Niylah had lost her father). Niylah was a good friend (with occasional benefits) who provided some comfort to Clarke when she was traumatized by Mount Weather and wanted to run away from everyone, when she was grieving for Lexa and when she was feeling the pressure of trying to find a solution to save the human race from the upcoming end of the world, but it was also a way for Clarke to avoid the potential pain of a relationship with someone she really loves. In any case, this short scene is where Clarke barely even sees Niylah or can’t pay attention to her because her focus is elsewhere - is very telling.

Later on, after Bellamy, Clarke and others leave, Octavia saves Niylah when she almost finds herself thrown out by both Grounders and Arkers – which makes her later devotion to Octavia perfectly understandable. Niylah’s laid-back, kind and empathetic nature (she doesn’t blame the Arkers who wanted her to throw her out for being a Grounder and points out it’s a result of people being afraid) seems like a perfect foil to Octavia’s anger. Unfortunately, as we saw in season 5, Niylah proved to be way too adoring of Octavia and unable to challenge her and help her moderate her actions.

During season 6, I’ve seen a comparison made between Abby bringing Kane back through bodysnatching to Kane saving Abby against her wishes in 4x12, but I don’t agree with that: it’s a very different thing to have to actively kill someone you love, and I think it was very unfair of Abby to ask that of Kane. She could have committed suicide instead, like Jasper did. She was not able to do the same herself – she smashed the radiation chamber in order not to risk Clarke’s life, she opened the bunker because she wasn’t able to let Kane die, so why did she expect him to be that strong, or that able to turn off his emotions, to actively kill the person he loves?

What in the world made Jaha think that Octavia would respond well to him, of all people, appealing to her loyalty to Arkers as “her people”? This is the second time in season 4 that a Blake sibling has called out one of the Ark leaders for what they did to them back on the Ark (after Bellamy told Kane “You floated my mother” in 4x07), and I really liked that. Forgiveness is nice, but it’s even nicer when people are not pretending that everything has been forgotten.

We’ve had so many instances of Bellamy saying “My sister, my responsibility”, and in season 5 we’ll get Octavia saying “My brother, my responsibility”, but here we get a unique version of that with her saying “My people, my responsibility”- in the same meaning that Bellamy said “My sister, my responsibility” in 5x08 after poisoning Octavia. Is this the first time she’s called Arkers “my people”? In any case, one noticeable change from seasons 1-3 Octavia is that, in season 4, she no longer says she is a Grounder –which used to annoy me every time, because it made no sense. It’s not like that’s a lifestyle and you choose it and just need to decide you’re a Grounder. By season 4, she seems to have realized that Grounders will always think of her as “Sky girl”, so she doesn’t feel that she belongs to the either group. Until she decides to make them all into one group, Wonkru. (Not that this will end “Us vs Them” divisions – because the Eligius prisoners will become “Them” in season 5!)

It’s not just Indra who’s had an “Enemies to Lovers” relationship with guns! Grounders have now raided the Arker supply to get the guns for the expected battle with them. OK, but how many of them have had even the basic training? We know some did in the camp in season 2. Have they been training the others? Has Indra? On the other hand, not all Arkers are guards or former guards, or Delinquents who needed to train in season 1, and everyone (except maybe Bryan) from the Farm Station is dead, so I don’t know how many Arkers are that good with guns, either, and having half of the numbers of the present Grounders (many – most? – of whom were probably warriors, knowing what Grounder culture values) sure wouldn’t have helped.

I don’t know if this is the first time Jaha has allowed someone (Kane) to change his mind, but it is sure a rare moment, whether he did it because he realized that the last remnants of the human race killing each other a day before the apocalypse was bad for the human race, or because he realized that Arker chances were not the best and that they could have all been killed.

This episode has obvious parallels and contrasts with 1x05 Twilight’s Last Gleaming, and it bookmarks Kane’s arc really well. Unlike the first culling, which Kane deeply regretted when he realized it wasn’t necessary, this one is, but few people are volunteering to die this time. One exception is David Miller, taking himself out of the lottery to give his son more chance to survive – another example of a parent sacrificing themselves for their child, which recalls Tor Lemkin’s sacrifice for his daughter.

In the end, Clarke’s list did end up being significant, but Kane and Jaha still would have a few spots to fill, since some of the people on the list were not there (Raven, Clarke, Bellamy) while Octavia did not count, but since Octavia left them with 99 spots, giving one to Niylah, that means they had 3 spots to fill with others. One of them was Miller (who did get chosen in the lottery) and I’m guessing that the other two were probably also lottery winners that Kane had already announced before the riot started.

The show was still trying to justify its name, with this storyline of having to choose 100 people to survive. Then it gave up in seasons 5-6.

By the end of season 4, and Murphy and Bellamy were still not friends, and Bellamy still didn’t trust Murphy and thought of him as someone who cares only for himself. Clarke had, by that time, spent more time around Murphy post-season 2 and gotten to know him better, and be aware of his love for Emori. But Murphy’s change has been about having someone he loves, and starting to care for his friends – it’s never been about starting to care about general morality or the lives of random people he doesn’t know. He’s never been that guy, so his season 6 arc of wanting to become a bodysnatching Prime wasn’t really a big surprise.

(Interesting how we see characters say this line to or about someone they love._

Murphy was never troubled with ethical dilemmas of whether to sacrifice someone he loves to save a greater number of people, which also means he is really not troubled by the hypocrisy of being angry whenever he or Emori seem deemed disposable, while he’s at the same time treating many other people as disposable. For instance, in 4x08, he was very much in favor of testing someone for Nightblood, pointing out that it can save them all, and even admired Emori for getting that random thief to get tested instead of (potentially her) – and only became upset and angry when it was his girlfriend who was going to be tested. This time, he sounds points to Bellamy that he “killed them” (him and Emori) by opening the bunker, since they have no chance of having a seat saved for them. True enough, but what did he expect? That Bellamy would let his sister die to save him and Emori a spot in the bunker?

The reason Bellamy forgives Clarke pretty quickly after she tells him she’s sorry, is because he completely understands where she’s coming from. And he knows he means to her a lot. Just like he understood her motives in season 5, because he had been there himself – but what upset him in S5 was that he started to think she didn’t care about him. Which is why he immediately forgave her when he realized how wrong he was about that. Bellamy and Clarke can quickly forgive each other because they understand each other better than anyone and can empathize with the tough decisions they have to make.

In this episode, they go back and forth, discussing that issue, whether to try to potentially save everyone, or to save a close friend who would definitely die otherwise. First it was Bellamy calling out Clarke on having been willing to leave Raven out of the bunker to die. Later, Bellamy is the one to bring up saving everyone - suggesting that, if Nighblood works, they should go back so Abby could make everyone Nightbloods; and it’s Clarke who retorts that it would mean that can’t save Raven. (I don’t like when people exaggerate the whole “Head and Heart” thing to the point that they try to make it look like Clarke is always driven by logic and Bellamy by emotion. It is much more complicated than that.) But I don’t know how I’d feel if it turned out that they wasted a chance to save hundreds of people in order to save their friend. This is not the case though, because, as Clarke points out, it’s too late to see Nightblood tested – as it would take days – and they couldn’t even convince people to let them in the bunker if she was sick, let alone start making people Nightbloods based on that.

If Monty and Harper hadn’t come to save the group when they had lost their car, and instead had gone straight to Polis, would they have been left outside of the bunker?

One of the rare interactions between Clarke and Echo happen when Echo tells Clarke: “I was just trying to save my people. Was that so bad?”, and Clarke obviously empathizes with her. Clarke has constantly shown the ability to empathize with people, even her enemies. 

On the other hand, when it turns out that Emori’s suit has been torn a bit and she’s starting to get radiation poisoning, Murphy’s first instinct is to suggest to take Echo’s suit by force, and he points out that she had followed them and saved them just out of self-interest. Which is true, though I don’t think Murphy is right that Echo would’ve attacked them. That wouldn’t have helped her. I think she was waiting for a chance to prove herself useful, make them owe her, so they would let her in the lighthouse bunker, exactly as she told them. Quid pro quo. But the same is true of Murphy and Emori – they are also there on the mission because they want to ensure their own survival, so it’s interesting that Murphy – who tends to sees the worst in people – blames Echo for the same things he’s himself guilty of.

I remember someone arguing that Clarke didn’t sacrifice herself for her friends in 4x13, because she would have died anyway if he didn’t align the satellite dish. True, she would have, but let’s note the fact that Clarke had a guaranteed spot in the bunker and was going to be safe, if she hadn’t gone on the mission to save Raven.

Let’s also note the fact that Clarke gave her helmet to Emori, risking her life again (since she did not know if the Nightblood solution worked), saving both Emori and potentially Echo. Maybe Murphy, too, since I don’t see Echo just going down lightly and letting him take her helmet off. This is the second time she’s risked her life to save Emori’s, a fact that *cough* certain people tend to forget.

Let’s also note the fact that it was Clarke’s idea that they go to the Ring.

Timeline: This episode begins 23 hours before the death wave is to hit Polis, at least according to the characters’ calculations (though those have proven to be unreliable throughout season 4, as the death wave proven to be much faster than anticipated). It’s mentioned that the team going to retrieve Raven will need 10 hours to Becca’s lab on the science island. However, they lost a lot of time because of the attack, losing the car, problems with anti-radiation helmets, before meeting up with Monty and Harper and getting another mode of transport. By the end of this episode, they have arrived to Becca’s lab, and by that time, the death wave has already hit Arkadia, though that’s unimportant as everyone who was there was already dead or had left.

My re-rewatch has also helped me figure out the timeline of season 4 more precisely. At the beginning of 4x04, Roan says it has been 3 weeks since they made the alliance (which means, 3 weeks since 4x01). Since 4x02 was set 9 days since Clarke destroyed the City of Light, this means that these were rare moments when some time passed between episodes: 8-9 days between 4x01 and 4x02, and additional 10-12 days spent in doing repairs on Arkadia, before, during and after 4x03. But since 4x04, things have been happening very quickly: 4x05 started soon after 4x04 (the period of time Octavia needed to reach Arkadia after Ilian found her, and less than the Azgeda army needed to march to Arkadia from Polis), 4x06 on the next morning, and Clarke was already in the lab in 4x07, making it all just a couple of days. And in 4x07, the characters said the death wave was coming in 10 days. So, the entirety of season 4 lasted  just a little over a month (and seasons 1-4, minus the last few minutes of the season 4 finale – a little over 6 and a half months). Not only was ALIE wrong when she thought Praimfaya was coming in 6 months, but Raven’s assessment, made 9 days later, that it was coming in “2 months or less” was not entirely wrong only because it turned out to be less – half of that time.

Body count: Several desperate Grounders who were trying to steal the anti-radiation suits. (What were their further plans, if any? Where did they intend to find shelter during Praimfaya?) One of them practically threw himself in front of the car and was over by Bellamy. “As if he wanted to die”, Clarke said – and he probably did. I can see why a quick death by your own choice and helping your friends would be preferable to a horrific death in a death wave or slowly from radiation. The seven others were killed - six by Echo, one by Bellamy.

Hundreds of other people, including over 300 Arkers, were left outside of the bunker, so while they did not die in this episode, they were practically left for dead, which makes this episode one of the most heartbreaking ones. At least one of them chose it – David Miller, who gave his lottery spot to his son Nathan, in another case of a parent sacrificing themselves to give a chance to their child (which reminds me of the first culling and Tor Lemkin). Ethan’s father (the same guy who was giving speeches against Ilian in 4x06 and who now started the riot with Jaha) is certainly among those who were left outside, asking Jaha to take care of his son. Which we will, but not for long, as Jaha himself would die not long after, during Kara Cooper’s rebellion. Cooper’s husband was also among those left outside, while she was presumably counted as essential personnel.

Rating: 10/10

[osleyakomwonkru]

The Monster Inside: Octavia Blake and Responsibility

There are a lot of lines that anti-Octavia folks throw around, two of the most common being “Octavia isn’t a leader” and “Octavia doesn’t take responsibility for her actions”.

Now, the first is somewhat true - Octavia is not a natural-born leader. She had to learn how to lead under the most trying of circumstances, in a system with no margin for error and no one else to pass the torch to. No one else who could unite the clans, and even there respect for her was shaky until she earned respect by the sword and took on a more autocratic position.

Which leads into the second: Octavia is acutely aware of the consequences of her actions, but because she’s not a natural leader, the way she takes responsibility for them is different, and this is what fuels both her anger in season 6 and other characters’ dislike of her, because she doesn’t take responsibility the same way they do, and for that reason it seems to them (and much of the audience) that she doesn’t. But she does.

Let’s boil things down to two quotes:

“We’ve all got a monster inside of us, Clarke. And we’re all responsible for what it does when we let it out.” - Lincoln, 2x08

“Your problem isn’t making amends, Clarke. Every time that you do something horrible, you say you’re sorry. And then you do it again. Clarke Griffin and her impossible choices. At least have the balls to stand by them.... Well guess what. The only difference between you and her is that Octavia doesn’t pretend to feel bad about it.” - Raven, 6x04

Now, it is of note that in both of these quotes, the speaker is talking to Clarke - because Clarke is one of the big proponents of the opposite side of “how to take responsibility” from Octavia. And Raven specifically calls that out here. Raven’s still hostile to Octavia (why, I have no idea, since they’ve had one line of dialogue between them since season 3, but that’s a topic for a whole other post), but she acknowledges that Octavia doesn’t shy away from what she is.

That sounds a lot like taking responsibility, doesn’t it? Yes it does.

Octavia was there when Lincoln said the line above to Clarke, and it could be what she’s thinking back to every time she calls herself a monster.

I went on in this post about actions vs intentions, and how while most of the characters of the show fall on the “intentions” side, Octavia’s still standing in the “actions” side, even if she might not want to be there. Even if she longs for the peace that comes with choosing intentions over actions, she’s not willing to cross that line yet.

The same actions vs intentions dichotomy holds true for taking responsibility - while Clarke (and most other characters) go for the “well, if I feel bad and apologize, that means responsibility” side (intentions), Octavia is still as unshakable on this as she ever was. She takes responsibility by action, and that’s one of the greatest things about her. She knows words are empty. Actions are what matter, especially when it comes to something like responsibility.

So let’s take a look at some of those, shall we?

1. She consistently puts herself in the line of fire.

This starts with the Conclave - while most citizens of Earth are ensconced in safe zones, Octavia’s out there fighting for them, fighting for humanity, so that they have the chance to survive Praimfaya. She take down a hallway of belligerents outside the farm during the Skaikru mutiny by herself. She leads her army into battle and is right there on the front lines.

These are not ways that leaders typically take “responsibility” - Lexa says it herself: “Truth is, we must look into the eyes of our warriors and say go die for me.”

But Octavia won’t do that. She leads by action, leads by personal responsibility - demanding nothing from her people that she isn’t willing to risk herself.

This also manifests in smaller non-battle ways as well: In 5x06, when Wonkru believes they’re about to be bombed, instead of fleeing for safety, you see her helping an old man towards the bunker. In 3x06 and 6x04, she protects children who are being hunted by people who want to kill them. Her first instinct when there is danger is to help others, not to protect herself. Similarly, in 5x06, she turns down the idea of asking for Jackson’s professional medical care over Clarke’s field medicine, because others need him and his expertise more than she does.

2. She knows the numbers.

A leader who doesn’t care about their people doesn’t know anything about them. But she does. She knows. Just like her political mentor, Jaha, though I don’t think her short time with him gave her this, she just came to it on her own - because she values each and every one of those lives, just like Jaha did.

“Alex Murphy. Convicted of theft of rationed medicine. He stole it to take care of you. I remember them all.” - Jaha to Murphy, 2x10

[And how many people died from Sector 5 in the Culling when you sucked the air out of their lungs?] “42. Would you like to know their names?” - Jaha to Raven, 4x02

[Exactly how many people should we be prepping for extraction?] [1200.] “814.” - Octavia to McCreary and Bellamy, 5x02

“We lost 417 people in that gorge.” - Octavia to Abby and Kane, 6x01

She knows her people. She knows each and every one of them - what they’re capable of, what they’ve done, what they can do.

3. She calls herself a monster (and doesn’t understand why others aren’t willing to do the same about themselves).

Octavia’s goal was always the survival of her people, and delivering them to the promised land. Since she failed at attaining this goal, in her actions vs intentions dichotomy, that means that no matter how noble her intentions were, she’s a monster, a villain, because her actions didn’t bring the deliverance that they needed to for her to be able to justify them.

She knows what she had to do for her people was horrific. Monstrous. Terrible. She knows that. She accepts the responsibility for that. She doesn’t hide behind platitudes like everyone else does. She has no issue calling herself a monster as a result, and she can’t understand why others can sleep at night without considering themselves such as well. After all, they’ve done just as many things, if not more, of dubious morality as she has. Yet somehow only she’s the monster? That doesn’t make sense to her, nor does it make sense to me.

4. Even though she’s called out people like Abby and Kane in private, she hasn’t done it in public.

Octavia has had multiple opportunities to reveal Abby and Kane’s dark deeds to the rest of Wonkru - but she hasn’t. Even when it would be in the best interests of her own mental health to do it, such as in 6x02, she still hasn’t done it. She is still carrying that burden, letting people hate her and only her.

She bears it, so they don’t have to. Not only the decisions that she made, but the decisions that others made that she had to enforce. Kane and Abby can sleep better at night because Octavia is bearing the weight of their decisions for them. She shouldn’t have to, but she does, since she feels responsible for all of them.

What’s more, she still hasn’t revealed the truths of what happened in the bunker - not to Bellamy, not to any other members of Spacekru. Perhaps she doesn’t think it would make any difference to how they perceive her. Perhaps she thinks it is still her cross to bear and not anyone else’s, and that they don’t need to know. I don’t know, but in either case, she’s still bearing burdens that no one else has to, and she does it willingly.

5. She doesn’t regret her actions, she regrets the necessity of them.

In the quote up above, Raven says that Octavia “doesn’t pretend to feel bad about it [her actions]”. Well, Raven is both right and wrong. Octavia doesn’t speak the platitudes that people like Clarke, who Raven is calling out, do. But Octavia does feel the moral weight of her decisions. Boy, does she ever. You can see them weigh on her even now.

But she can’t regret them. Regretting them would mean regretting that she wanted to save her people. Regretting that she saved what she believed was the last of the human race. That seems to be a pretty bizarre thing that people want her to regret.

She does regret the necessity of her horrific actions. She wishes she didn’t have to make all of the decisions that she did for their survival and well-being. She regrets that they ended up, well, not entirely for naught, but partially so, since only half of her people survived (or a third, depending on if you count from Praimfaya or from when the bunker was opened). But she doesn’t regret saving what she could of her people. She can’t.

She fights for her people. She knows them all. She shoulders their burdens. She keeps their secrets. She holds herself responsible for the moral and ethical crimes of over a thousand people. She bears it so they don’t have to.

At the start of the Dark Year, in the cafeteria, she said “I give all of myself to you.”

And she did.

Octavia Blake isn’t a monster. She’s a martyr.

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #2 - “Shit ain’t over till the fat lady sings and I didn’t warm my pipes.” (Cameron)

Day 4: Well. I survived my first tribal council of the season, and even though it went exactly according to plan, while I slept my entire day away, I'm still really hesitant to tell myself that I'm doing well on my tribe. I'm really nervous that my tribe mates are playing me, and that I'm really boo boo tha fool here. I called Megan post-tribal, and I was finally able to get some closure on something that happened between us in our personal lives, which felt really good. After that, she asked me about the idol, to which I had responded "Wait, Julian didn't tell you?", which hopefully sows some seeds of doubt in Megan about Julian. Ideally, if the Enlil tribe has to go back to tribal council, the four of us can bear witness to a Megan vs. Julian war. Because unfortunately, the connections I have outside Enlil, are shared with either Julian or Megan. If Megan and Julian are going after each other pre-merge, or during a swap scenario, I don't have to share those connections anymore. After that, Megan and I just talked about the nudes we received during quarantine ~ I then promptly ran to Will to tell him about the potential crack I just formed between Julian and Megan, which was met with genuine excitement. I think I'm really gaining Will's trust, and I think we vibe so well together. Love that guy! Overall, it wasn't a very productive day because I woke up at 4:30p PST. Love that for me, thanks for shading me @ Tribal Bodhi.

going into this scavenger hunt as the tribe that went to tribal last is worrysome. It's a challenge that's fully dependent on our activity, so we are at a serious disadvantage against the other two tribes that get to choose someone less active to sit out. We don't have that luxury. The point/life system eases the blow, however, since we can get less active players 1 life while more active players can get 3. In case we lose, I'm trying to connect with everyone on the tribe. I really don't want to vote anyone out though. I have an alliance with Julian and JJ, and one with Will on the side. Chrissa wants to work with Julian, JJ and myself, and I think Megan and JJ have something on the side. I'm nervous for who would be the target in the vote, and any vote would hurt all of our games collectively. Hopefully we win because the next vote will not be easy AT ALL.

Done w typing this sheet

jj and zachary are so fucking annoying to this challenge and if i vote for you first at the swap, its probably because youre typing too much during this challenge sorry not sorry xoxo - sincerely johnny a month from now

let me be clear with andrew I was not calling his hosting unfair i was calling the fact that a majority green item giving him a point unfair not the hosting but lack of yellow, also i have a headache i don't feel that good. and I just don't think zach should have had a point for it nothing against hosting obviously i watch a movie trivia thing where literally they have a challenge to challenge any questions that are unfair, that doesn't mean they are calling the question writers or the answer writers unfair. 

Zach just won the tribal challenge for us which is fantastic. We can maintain the illusion of a unified tribe longer, which keeps us together in a swap situation, and Zach has clearly painted a challenge target on himself over the last two challenges which will make him go before me if our Triforce ever becomes the minority. I'm really happy with my position in the game right now

me and monty trying to find the idol and decode this annoying ass video https://imgur.com/a/lu7sbMu

Forgive me father for I have sinned it's been approximately three days since my last confession so far can't complain really we be winning they hating we be riding pretty damn clean I've got a majoritu alliance I didn't start so odds of it falling around me and being the first voted out slim to none thank the sweet baby jesis and all that good shit. Oh well that's all for now

JULIAN’S HOST CHAT GUEST, ZEE:

I am filling in a confessional because you told me to. I am in front of my fan because it's hot. I'm thinking that it seems pretty stupid to ask me for a confessional. Julian's prod chat isn't very interesting because he's distracted.

also just threw out madison's name to johnny. if this shit backfires on me ill be ):

https://youtu.be/Pqck1gayfJU

https://youtu.be/FMay7NycsPw

yo yo yo homies!!! fuck the scavenger hunt and the mobile Skype app !! Lowkey scared but I think I’m close with everyone on the tribe except madi soooooooooo that’s probably who will go tonight. I’ve connected a lot with Monty and am hoping we can work together closely moving forward 💕not sure how useful my relationship with Zach is going to be come swap/merge bc it seems like he’s ALREADY making himself a target like the big doof he is. More later 💋

https://youtu.be/Qg47yupj1bQ

https://youtu.be/vUK8A1qWVoA

Hello tumblr survivor world! Sorry I didnt confess for episode 1, I was going to but i accidentally exited out of the page when i almost finished writing it. Anyways, it was just a cast assessment for my tribe so tl;dr everyone on my tribe is great and its really sad that we have to vote someone out now. So this whole weekend I was away so I was REALLY worried that I would be voted out since I sat out of the challenge. But after talking to Johnny and Isabelle, it seems like Madison will be voted out tonight. Which is so bad bc this her first game in a year, but hey it's our first vote and it's not me so it's not really the time to make a stand. _________________________________________________________________________________________ Okay I took a break from writing this confessional and there's moreeeeeeeee so part 2 I guess. So I had a call with Johnny and we came up with an alliance of me, him, Isabelle, and Benji. What an iconic alliance, right? But also while Johnny and I talked we got onto the topic of idols and why it is that there hasn't been an idol post yet. I brought up that wayyyyyy back when in Malaysia and some other games around that time, some of the idol hunts were less clear cut. We ended up looking at the blog and clicking the "idol system" tab and it brought us to some weird crab video with audio that sounds like a pokemon cry? Idk part of me thinks its just a joke but I also have to consider that it might be SOMETHING. It said remember to like and subscribe so I sent a screenshot of me liking and subscribing to see if that would do anything but nope. Johnny said he'd do some thinking about it and get back to me later if he figures something out. Also tribal seems super clear cut so I'm a bit less worried now but y'know how it is I can't not worry about tribal.

i just spent $8 on a spectogram and STILL cant find this fucking idol im gonna kms... monty im sorry im steam rolling ahead looking for this thing without telling you, but thank you for the first clue xoxo... if i get stumped in the future ill reach out for SURE (but idt you trust me that much so this seems kinda valid to me) ((FOUR HOURS LATER: i told monty lololol)) ALSO FOR FUCKS SAKE I think madison is gonna go, and truthfully, im fine with it because it's the easiest thing to do due to her poor performance in the past few challenges and just being the least AROUND the tribe, but i know that it'd probably be better for me long term to get rid of abby because i just dont see her as a long term ally for me. i think she's close to JJ and Megan on the other tribe, and she's becoming much more acclimated to the tumblr survivor community that i just BET that she maybe has an additional connection on the rookie tribe. If I can attempt to break that up before we get to a swap, I think that's what im going to have to do figure out if we lose another challenge before a swap... i dont really want to see ANYBODY else go besides abby if im thinking about a second boot. i bet it wont be easy to take her out tho also, if madison goes, this is like...... lowkey vindication for game changers???? last night i talked about this with monty and i was like hmmmm "is it ugly to bring up past game history?" and his response was "not if it's within the same series" .... so. vindication

---

omg i just told madison how to find the idol system thing i hope she doesnt tell anyone i told her about it LMAO........ this almost seems too easy.i got added to two alliances today. why do i not feel safe? is it me going? WTF IS GOING ON

excited to be first boot because no one will TALK TO ME! 

Things haven’t changed much since my last confessional! As far as I know the tribe hasn’t started into alliances and we’re all riding some excitement at having so far avoided tribal. I think the rest of the tribe and I are all feeling good and just focusing on making the tribe switch without losing any members.

from round 2 https://youtu.be/fk002uG2HoI

Hi sorry I forgot to do a confessional this round so this will be short imma just say a few things 1. I don’t trust julian one bit he can stop being shady to me 2. I can’t believe we aren’t going to tribal I’m so fkn happy i was able to pull out the win for our tribe because I didn’t want to lose anybody else 3. I love and adore will with all of my being and he’s my number 1 ally right now 4. I find it highly doubtful that there’s only one idol in this game and that you can’t find it until merge but that’s as far as I can get in the idol search for now so I guess there’s nothing I can do about it 5. I’m still having fun can’t wait to fuck up another flash game yay!!!

My Purple edit is amazing right now. But having played more games than most of these newbies, I have decided to take on the role of teacher and becoming more of a "role model" for these newbies. I feel like I have the closest bond with Zach, and I need to get a little closer with Collin. I have Grace from past games, and then there are the others who I do not really have any strong bonds with at the moment. I guess I need to start going to them more and show that I want to work with them.

https://youtu.be/yhwXzqrTcsA Confessional 2 for round 2

https://youtu.be/TVnpwqc8XLY

Madison voted out 6-1

[sarcasticace]

I have been tagged by  @kaitlyn-liao and @cartoonfanforlife . Hopefully I’m doing this right.

Answer 11!

1. Your role model? My art teacher back in Elementary school

2. How many hours do you sleep per day? If I’m lucky? Five

3. Your bestie VS. your bf? Bestie

4. Your motto? “Are you suuuuuuure?” - Me, when my IRL friends say something stupid

5. Do you believe in God? idk

6. Where do you live? USA

7. Would you like to change something about yourself if you have the ability to? To be more confident

8. Your native language? English

9. Do you have pets? Yes, I have two dogs

10. Your ideal dinner? Chicken stuffed with spinich and articokes

11. Describe your perfect school life? One without bullies

The Freshman/Choices ask!

1. You’re enrolled at Hartfeld. What is your MC’s major? I think, at the moment, Nora is undecided. She’ll become a writer eventually.

2. If Dave doesn’t end up with Sam, who do you want him to get together with? Single, also I don’t really ship the two together

3. Who is your OTP in the Choices world? KennaxVal, SamxCasandra, ZachxBrandon, Nora(MC)xMadison

4. What scene do you wish you had spent diamonds on but didn’t/couldn’t? The scene in book 2 where Zach goes to see Brandon one last time at the airport.

5. Which minor/supporting character in the Choices world do you want to get to know more? I WANT TO DATE MADISON!!!

6. How do you feel about Zig? I like him so far, I just hope PB didn’t just add him so he can be a romantic rival or whatever.

7. If Pixelberry were to release another book, what would you like it to be about (or at least in what genre)? Sci-fi!!!! Possibly one with a customizable MC that ISN’T already  in a romantic relationship with someone.

8. What do you think is the future of Brandon and Zack’s relationship? I hope it works out, Brandon’s only going to be gone for one term, right? I just hope he shows up soon, like, facetime or whatever.

9. Who do you ship with Kenna? Val

10. If you had to choose getting married between Tycoon Guy and Greek Guy, who would you choose and why? (Note: Bartender is not part of the choices) Tycoon Guy. Greek Guy is nice, but he’s waaaaaaayyyy too suspicious right now. Otherwise it’d be a tie.

11. What do you think the jobs of the The Freshman suitemates will be like 10 years from now? Oh, I have no idea. Honestly, they haven’t really shown any interests in career choices. Except, I think Tyler would go into something computer related and Abbie would be a graphic designer of somesort. The rest, haven’t a clue. Oh, Madison becoming a geologist is one of my headcanons.

Cartoonfanforlife’s Questions

1. what embarrassing thing did you do as a child? pass

2. whats the closest thing to something “supernatural” that happened to you? Two things, cause the first could’ve possibly be a very trippy dream. When I was a kid, I could’ve sworn a pirate ghost jumped out from under my bed. The second, I keep having dreams of things that actually happen anywhere between a week to a month after the dream.

3. fast food or a 5 star restaurant? Fast food.

4. what countries have you been to? England

5. what are your fandoms? HSS, HWU, Choices. I use to be in the RWBY+TWD fandoms, but I got bored.

6. your biggest fear? Heights and deep water

7. do you believe in ghosts? Kinda

8. what choices character would you marry with no option of devorce. Madison

9. what character in choices that, if they died you wouldn’t care (not an antagonist!) Mark Collins

10. have you ever been s—e—x—u—a—l—l—y attracted to anyone? ...no

11. who is your favorite music industry artist? i don’t have one

I shall tag... @addisonsinclairs, @watermelone-n-chicken, @darunk, @piixelberry, @plumboasis, @archie-artblog. Just do what you’re comfortable with.

[choicestrash]

The #Tagging Game

Thank you @hwuariana-writer-movie-star, @samanthamasseys and @ilovechoices for tagging me! Everything’s going under the cut due to the sheer size.

From @hwuariana-writer-movie-star:

11 Personal Asks

1) My role model?


I'll go with a celeb this time: Kirstin Maldonado from Pentatonix. She's such a positive role model in my opinion, with her cheerfulness and all that! Also, I really appreciate her being absolutely down-to-earth, regardless of her celebrity status.

2) How many hours do you sleep per day?

6-7 hours on weekdays and 8-9 hours on weekends. I guess my schedules not that bad, but I get pretty cranky with just a small change in my sleep schedule.


3) Your bestie vs. your bf?

I’m single af, and my crush probably doesn't even know I exist. So bestie in this round!


4) Your motto?

“Choose happiness". Now, the question is whether I actually follow it... whoops?

5) Do you believe in God?


Yup!

6) Where do you live?

I see that there's a lot of SE Asians in the fandom, whoa! Currently live there too!

7) Would you like to change something about yourself if you have the ability to?


I'd like to be more empathetic. I really lack the compassion, which is probably why I'm so good at writing angst and character deaths! I'm actually quite surprised I haven't written any angst for choices yet so fair warning I might do so soon

8) Your native language?


Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian) technically, but I spent a great majority of my life speaking English to the point where my English is better so I would say both.

9) Do you have pets?

Cats sometimes visit my house, does that count?


10) Your ideal dinner?


My moods change quite quickly, but currently I really want the crispy cornflake chicken from Swensens'. It's delicious, you guys need to try it!

11) Describe your perfect school life.

First of all I would really want to go back to Singapore to study, since many of my good friends are there! I'd like the (fictitious) school to have a focus on the arts, perhaps both literature and visual. I'd transfer in my friends and we'd all be in the same class, with friendly teachers that actually know their stuff! Also it would be walking distance from all our houses somehow hahaha


11 Choices Asks

1) You’re enrolled at Hartfeld. What is your MC’s major?

Claire would most likely major in communication, seeing that she has the spunk to do so! Also, that would justify her love for writing.


2) If Dave doesn’t end up with Sam, who do you want him to get together with?

Can you hear that? That's the sound of my heart shattering into millions of pieces.

I... really don't know. My heart is legitimately hurting just thinking about it. I would say that I prefer for him to remain single pining for Sam, but that's not the point of the question is it?

...you know what? I'll go with single. I simply refuse.

3) Who is your OTP in the Choices world?


See above. The day Dave and Sam kiss/get together officially is the day I die, and the day they marry (hey why not) is the day I get revived just to die again.

4) What scene do you wish you had spent diamonds on but didn’t/couldn’t?


The beach scene on the last chapter of Most Wanted omg. Here's a story: the first time I played through the book, I didn't have enough points or whatever for a good option in the second last chap, when Tull attempts to choke Dave. At that point, I had 29 diamonds, so I decided to spend some of them on the wine corkscrew. So comes along chapter fifteen and the five stages of grief for my insufficient diamonds.

Months later, that is still the one choice I regret the most.

5) Which minor/supporting character in the Choices world do you want to get to know more?


From The Freshman, I would really like to know more of perhaps Madison. Or maybe Abbie, even though she's one of our suitemates. Or Zack. I love Zack, and wouldn't mind extra backstory.

TCTF? Val Greaves. She's one of Kenna's love interests but we barely know her!

The three stooges from Most Wanted for sure, and also Cassandra! I really want to know what sort of 'history' Cassandra and Dave share, it's been killing me ever since Cass was introduced!

Not sure about ROE, and I'll let the new books develop more to see the stories.

6) How do you feel about Zig?


Unpopular option: I don't find him very hot, I don't know. Even if my MC was straight (which she is not), I probably wouldn't care much for him.

On a less personal note I really like that PB gave the users more love interests, especially for those that felt that the original three were not very enticing.

7) If Pixelberry were to release another book, what would you like it to be about (or at least what genre)?

Another crime book maybe (after MW2 of course), or a medical drama! As you can probably see, I am a huge fan of drama.


8) What do you think is the future of Brandon and Zack’s relationship?

Even if they don't end up married, I have a very good feeling that they'll date for a long time and remain on good terms if they split. However, it's more likely than not that they will end up married together in my opinion, and that makes me very happy!


9) Who do you ship with Kenna?


Valentina Greaves. Full stop.

10) If you had to choose getting married between Tycoon Guy and Greek Guy, who would you choose and why? (Note: Bartender is not part of the choices)


Nooo! The bartender really grew on me recently ahh

Maybe the Greek guy, I think that the Tycoon Guy is just too... plain in my opinion. Gotta have that sense of fun!

11) What do you think the jobs of The Freshman suitemates be like 10 years from now?


MC: Claire would most likely find herself as a controversial public speaker, known for her strong opinions in her speeches.

Kaitlyn: An advocator for human rights, with a side job as a singer!

James: Well-renowned writer, with multiple awards. (Not technically a suitemate, but close enough)

Chris: A football/soccer player!

Abbie: An artists, for sure.

Zack: I’m actually not too sure, though I’m leaning a bit to something related to fashion design.

Tyler: Video game designer. Maybe he gets Abbie to help him with the art!

From @samanthamasseys​:

1. If you were stuck in a room with any person in the world (yes, even the pixelberry universe!) for twenty-four hours, who would it be, and why?

Kirstin Maldonado. Ahhh, if only. She's one of my favourite people in the whole world, and we could kill time singing (or at least in my case, attempting to sing)!

2. If you could bring back any character in Choices, who would it be?

Rose from TCTF. While I'm not a big fan of her in the first place, I felt like it was unfair for her to get randomly booted off the series with no explanation.

3. What’s you favourite thing about yourself?

Personality wise? I like how I can stick to my opinions.

4. When your birthday?

25th of April!

5. What’s one weird thing you did ask a kid?

I was completely unable to write a story without killing off at least one character. I've gotten a bit kinder to them nowadays hahaha, but I still have that streak going on!

6. What’s your biggest achievement/accomplishment?

When I got the award for being first academically in my year level.

7. Would you change anything in the country you live in?

I would improve the public transport. Seriously, you can't go anywhere without a vehicle of some sort!

8. Do you think people are naturally good or bad?

Not an option, but I think people are actually inherently neutral. They have complete control over what they want to become, and no side is easier than the other.

9. Have you done anything that upset someone greatly? If you’re comfortable, who was it? What did you do?

Nothing too bad I suppose, since nothing's coming to mind immediately.

10. Are you crushing on anyone?

Yes.

11. Favourite Choices character?

I'm gonna cheat a little and say both Dave and Sam from MW. I love both of them individually and together! Something about both of their characters really appeal to me, likely the fact that they actually have pretty well-balanced personalities.

11 Questions!

1. What was your first impression of the app? 2. What's your favourite soundtrack from all the books? 3. Who are your top three favourite characters? 4. From the three characters you chose, which one would you sacrifice to save the others? 5. Which character do you feel is overlooked the most? 6. What is one unpopular opinion you have of any of the storylines? 7. What do you look for in a significant other? 8. Who's your favourite musical artist as of now? 9. Tea or coffee? 10. Do you play any instruments? If so, which ones? 11. How many languages do you speak?

I’m tagging anyone who wants to do this 💕

[case-closed]

#The Tag Game

1 My role model? My mom, she is the most feerless, inspiring person ever, and I aspire to be like her.. 2 How many hours do I sleep per day? Well, normall days like..maybe nine, miserable school days, six..sometimes five); 3 My bestie vs my bf? My bestie 4 My motto? Um..hard one, not complicated, just..different..😁 5 Do I believe in god? YES 6 Where do I live? In Dubai, @ilovechoices, feel like we should be friends😁, maybe we can chat sometimes since we're in the same city lol.., been needing someone to talk to about Sam x Dave😍, thanks for tagging me 7 Would I like to change something about my self if I had the ability? No, but I aspire to be a stronger person each and everyday.. 8 My native language? Arabic 9 Do I have a pet? Yes, a cat 10 My ideal dinner? I have a strange thing for sushi 🍣,I love it so much so, it would be my ideal dinner 11 Describe my perfect school life? Getting out of school whenever you want, no stupid bullies, and no homework, yay! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 11 choices asks: 1 You'r enrolled at hartfeld, what is your MC's major? Fashion design, I love fashion, and I think fashion went so wrong in our time 2 If Dave doesn't end up with Sam, who do you want him to be together with? No one, it's out of the question, Dave needs and only belongs with Sam. 3 Who is your OTP in choices world? Sam and Dave, I don't only ship them together, but I look at them as an inspiration, I really love them so much.. 4 What scene Do you wish you spent diamonds on but didn't / couldn't? Umm, all of them actually, when you are attached to a story, you love every single part of it, but anyway, I wouldn't go back and spend diamonds again because I'm saving them for book 2😍 5 Which minor/supporting character in the choices world do you want to get to know more? Well besides everything about Sam and Dave, I would really like to know more about Ryan, (something tells me he has a big part of everything evil in MW, since he is a man of power and trust from Dave), and of course the major crimes trio 6 How do I feel about Zig? Umm, who's Zig?Sorry, but he could be in some choices book chapter I hadn't reached with reading yet😁 If pixelberry were to release another book, what would you like it to be about(or at least what genre)? Umm, I wouldn't wish for a single book other than MW2, but if I had to, maybe it would be something about fashion and style, like project runway or anything like that What do you think is the future of Brandon and Zack's relationship? Umm......? Who do you ship Kenna with? Raydan If you had to choose getting married between tycoon guy and greek guy, who would you choose and why?(note: bartender is not part of the choices) Greek guy, not a great fan of RoE, I just play to know what's gonna happen next, and yah greek guy caus I think MC deserves love and respect after the douche-bag whatever so called ex fiancé What do you think the jobs of the freshman suitmates will be like 10 years from now? MC an actress Kailtlyn a dancer Abbie no doubt she's gonna be an artist James a writer and director Chris football player, I guess? Tylor and Zack uhmm, gamers, games designers?I don't know😆 @ilovechoices, Thank you for tagging me😍