#vitriol at anyone who makes even a minor mistake. i want people who were impacted by oppression and bias to have space to grow and

[kindnessoverperfection]

I've found that, when interacting with others (or myself), it's useful to consider the lessons I'd want to teach a growing child.

If a child makes a mistake, I wouldn't want them to feel shame. I wouldn't yell at them, humiliate them, or in any way indicate to them that their mistake is a reflection of their worth or of who they are as a person.

Instead, I'd want them to associate the process with love and joy. If they say something that hurts someone's feelings, or otherwise ostracizes someone in some way, I'd compassionately explain to them. Ideally, they'd walk away knowing why they said / did it in the first place, how to handle similar situations in the future, and would accept the consequences (e.g. if a friend no longer wanted to hang out with them).

While the consequences may sometimes be painful, I'd do my best to instill in them that mistakes are human and natural, and that the process of learning from these mistakes is an opportunity to improve connections with others and express love.

I have a tendency towards excessive guilt. Memories in which I've said / done something ignorant or hurtful are infused with this guilt and shame- but ideally, I'd feel a sense of love and peace, and perhaps happiness, when looking back on them. Because they were moments of growth, moments I learned how to be more compassionate (even if the actual learning came years later).

So I'll put this out into the void:

When you make a mistake, that is not a reflection of you as a person. It is a moment in time, a moment which was informed by your past experiences. Humans are not static labels, or monsters in an RPG game. We are social creatures who live and learn and react and grow and experience and love. Be gentle with yourself and move forward knowing you're doing so in accordance with your values.

[nightqueendany]

Another submission today:

No one is saying that you should think that they’re the best writers. I think that their work pretty much speaks for itself. Y'all called 7x06 trash and it won an award for best direction. Same with season 7. Won the biggest Emmy for the year. People who claim Emilia can’t act were bitter because she won some prestigious award for acting. Not saying you do these things, but the same people who shit on D&D also shit on the actors.

You can criticize without being nasty. The “Dumb and Dumber” thing is juvenile or calling them hacks or whatever vitriolic shit that people feel the need to spew. Fyi, Benioff is a great writer. He’s written critically acclaimed shit. Google it.

They are the middle men between the HBO execs and the fans. HBO wanted to extend the show to 10 seasons, but D&D stopped that because they know that quality is better than quantity. So many of the things that they’re criticised for are actually shitty because people like to focus on pendatic shit. For example the so called time travel has been there since day one. Catelyn travelled from KL to the Vale in one episode. A raven was sent to Stannis and it got to him in the next scene. Their biggest crime is overestimating some of their audience and thinking that they’ll appreciate the “show don’t tell” approach. 

So they made some changes. So what? It’s only the book readers who care about that shit and considering that many of those book readers swore with all their heart and Daenerys isn’t Jon’s type, they’re not the type of company that you should be proud of keeping. They’re clueless fucks who circlejerk to uncovering the mysteries of a fictional story and then end up being wrong years later. They’re the same people who claim that Jon is stealing Stannis’ plot.

David and Dan have the same bugdet that friends had almost two decades ago and look what they’re delivering to our screens. 

Fyi, they’ve been criticized since the very beginning of the show for not sticking to George’s vision only for George to come out this year and say that most of what happened in S7 was what he planned. Some so called mistakes and plotholes aren’t that at all. Like the chains for Viserion. If people weren’t blind with nerd rage, they would have seen that the Night King shot him down close to a dock that was buried in snow and that dock had chains. The time it took Dany to arrive was ambiguous. They put in a lot of time and effort to make it as close to perfect as possible. It’s not their fault that GRRM couldn’t keep his word and finish the books on time.

There’s no difference between some of y'all and the star wars fans who shit on Kathleen Kennedy for making some changes on the movies. Entitled, bratty, ungrateful fans. Thank God it’s almost over. Unfortunately, the prequels are here and the pretentious book readers are already complaining because of the casting descriptions.

Also, being a woman doesn’t excuse you from being a decent human being. Most of Daenerys’ thoughts are in her head in the book. Unless you wanted a voice over, there’s no way that they would have been able to convey her thoughts. Even with her thoughts, pov and other POVs of her character where people see how great she is, she was one of the most hated characters amongst book readers so you can’t blame D&D for that. Watching reaction videos should tell you all you need to know about how people see her. Even without reading about her compassion, viewers are drawn to her.

Finally, Daenerys is a fictional character no matter how wonderful and amazing she is, she’s not real. The people who work on the show are. It is messed up to focus on what you perceive to be their fuck ups. If people did that to you, you’d never grow

I’m so confused, Dan Weiss, is that you?? I’m half convinced this is Dan Weiss.

1) I’m not a pedantic book reader. I’ve said many times I started with Season 1 of the show, then read the books, then continued with the show as it aired. I’ve never pretended to be a book-expert. There are many of them here and on Reddit and Westeros.org and in the comments sections of Geroge’s Not a Blog but I’ve always admitted my knowledge of the entire WOIAF is limited to a once through read of the books and the show. I’ve certainly never pretended to know the series any better than anyone else.

2) I’ve stuck up for decisions made by D&D PLENTY of times. I got a lot of shit in inbox from anons when I wrote a post defending (or suspending judgement) on their choice to have Sansa replace Jeyne Poole in the Ramsay-Winterfell-rape plot which is decidedly their most controversial decision that was not a matter that wasn’t out of their hands, like network things.

And I’ve defended other storylines from them as well - the wight hunt mission, I’ve talked extensively about how it would have happened any way you slice the story so it wasn’t a “dumb” D&D idea, I’ve talked about their filming & casting limitations and how it’s a result of location and availability and not anything to do with the actual race of the extras in scenes, I’ve talked about how I definitely think Dany will burn the Khals in the books, just as she did in the show, defending that plot, I’ve talked about things I love in terms of book vs show - Battle of Blackwater, Robb&Talisa, how Season 6 is unarguably the best season of Game of Thrones and it’s the one that had to go completely off books because they had surpassed what George had already written, I’ve talked about how I’m glad they left Lady Stoneheart out of the story because I thought it would have cheapened Catelyn’s death and the impact of Jon’s resurrection, I’ve talked about how I like that they changed scenes like Dany’s wedding night and the Jaime/Cersei sex scene next to Joffrey’s body in the Sept because in the books the nature of the ambiguity of “consent” is ridiculous and D&D choosing to present those scenes as rape made it easier for the audience to see what was actually going on vs the books which leave it open to question whether the victims are actually victims, I’ve talked about how I like they aged Missandei up so that Daenerys could have an actual friend as opposed to young Missandei in the books who’s dependent on her and sees her as a mother figure, I’ve praised the show for making Dany more mature when it comes to her relationship with Daario, I’ve talked about how I love Shae and Sansa’s relationship in the show and how they humanized Shae and made her a more lovable character, I’ve praised the show for setting Tyrion and Dany together sooner than in the books because the Tyrion ruling Meereen in Dany’s absence plot worked really well, I’ve defended their depiction of the Jonerys romance to Jonsa and Jonerys shippers alike who say it was rushed or poorly done and praised the way they so closely stuck to both Jon and Dany’s character....so many others, I forget them all.

3) I’ve never called D&D “Dumb and Dumber” or any other rude names and I usually refrain from using insults like that on my entire blog. I also usually refrain from reblogging posts that contain language like that because it’s childish and really insulting.

4) Just because someone’s writing or something is “critically acclaimed” doesn’t mean really anything. Critics nowadays are widely acknowledged as being “out of touch” with the times and the nature of story-telling as a whole and many industry people also admit this - Why do you think the Oscars wanted to include that “Outstanding Popular Film” category for the coming year? So not sure what David Benioff’s critically acclaimed other work has to do with anything.

5) I’ve never really criticized D&D for their plot lines or storytelling as a whole. I think I’ve only pointed out plot holes only twice - once about Jon receiving Tyrion’s raven before Sam’s even though Sam’s was sent an entire episode before Tyrion’s and once about Jon telling Tormund Dany would only fight beside them if he bent the knee when the entire Wight Hunt mission was so Dany could fight beside them and he hadn’t bent the knee.

Aside from that, I’ve never criticized their story choices as they deviate from GRRM.

I’ve criticized their portrayal of women - especially Dany but really women as a whole - throughout the story and I don’t think I need to defend my criticism for that. It’s a HUGE deal.

Because here’s the thing - story changes made by D&D...don’t really matter. They’ve said plenty of times the show will end just as the books will end so I’m happy to tag along with their journey because I know they’ll stay faithful to George’s vision in that respect and I’ve defended them to other fans in this regards.

But when they CONTINUALLY make decisions that cast female characters in a much harsher light than their book counterparts and cast male characters in much better light than their book counterparts, I’m not going to defend that! I’m not going to sit idly by and just pretend I’m okay with that.

If it were one or two isolated incidences, it would be nothing. But that’s not the case. This is a pattern repeated time and time again throughout the entire series. This isn’t a network thing, this isn’t even about “you can’t please everyone.” This is blatant sexism, regardless of whether that was their intention or not.

Just now looking at the IMDB page for GOT, I noticed they’ve only had TWO women work in writing aspects for the show for a total of 4 episodes. The rest were written exclusively by men. Also, only ONE female director has directed a total of 4 episodes throughout the series.

Now I know, as someone who is a film minor and one day wants to work in the industry, that the film and television industry as a whole, is very lacking when it comes to representing women and that’s unfortunate. So it’s not entirely their fault. They just fell into the pattern of the industry.

But again, when it comes to sticking to George’s original dialogue or creating their own, the times they’ve opted to create their own frequently results negatively for female characters...or when a female character’s lines are given to a male character making the man appear the brilliant one in the scene.

I’m really curious to know if this anon is a man or woman...or Dan Weiss. Not that it changes anything but perhaps it’s the reason you’ve yet to either notice the sexism in the writing or just don’t see it as such a big deal.

Yes, these are all fictional characters and the people behind the show are real people.

But the people who watch the show are real people too. And while again, I know there is no possible way for D&D to please every single member of their audience, the least they could do is approach their writing from a more neutral standpoint or, you know, just fucking hire a full-time woman to co-write episodes with.

However, it’s too late for that. The show is finished. There’s no changing what’s already been made.

So I will be here, continuing to defend a female character that wouldn’t need nearly as much defending, had she been translated onto the screen properly and not through a biased lens.

[mykidsgay]

Defining: Ally

By Teresa Kane

Welcome to another installment of our “Defining” series, where we unpack various terms and identities. Do you have a word that needs defining? Let us know!

Define It:

An ally is a person who supports, advocates for, and uplifts a marginalized community to which they do not belong. You can be an ally to racial and religious minorities, the LGBTQIA community, the disabled community, and to women, among other groups.

Explain It:

Every one of us has privilege, and as such, all of us have the opportunity to be an ally. For example, I have privilege as a white, cisgender, American born, able-bodied, college-educated person. I can use my privilege to support immigrants, trans people, disabled communities, and communities of color. I am also part of marginalized communities, as a bisexual woman who converted to Islam. I count on other allies to support my struggles as a queer Muslim woman. Part of being an ally is thinking about intersectionality, or how our different social identities affect the way people see us and how we see the world. For example, many of my queer Muslim friends are Black, Arab, or South Asian. They deal with racism and anti-immigrant discrimination alongside the homophobia and Islamophobia that I face. In that way I have an opportunity to be an ally to others within my own group.

Allyship can take many forms. It might look like booking people of color to come and speak at your campus, attending a rally to end the Muslim Ban, or stopping your friends when they make homophobic jokes. It involves donating your resources, time, money, and platform to uplifting marginalized communities.

Allies shouldn’t expect cookies when they do the right thing. By “cookies,” I mean getting rewards or affirmations from your Latinx/trans/Muslim friends for all the good things you are doing. If your co-worker says something transphobic and you set her straight, there’s no need to tell your trans friend about it. In fact, hearing about your awful co-worker’s actions could be quite traumatizing. I personally hate hearing about my friend’s grandparents’ Islamophobic rants. Talk to grandma without telling me about it later. If you are expecting praise every time you step up, you might want reexamine your motives. Does your allyship center marginalized people, or is it about being seen to be doing the right thing? As an ally, your work might go unnoticed, and that needs to be okay with you.  

Debunk It:

• Ally is another word for “savior”

Allies should absolutely be in the fight for equality, but it is not our role to be the spokesperson or leader for any struggle that is not our own. As a person of privilege, it is easy to think that we know what other people need. We get an idea of how to fix the problems of racism or classism without consulting the affected communities. While the intention might be good, the result can be pulling the attention to you (see above statement about cookie-seeking) instead of where it belongs. Your efforts might not even be what the community needs. Last month thousands of people donated toys and gifts to support hurricane relief when people really needed new socks and underwear. If we push forward with our own agenda we can’t get people the help they really need.

If you are at a Black Lives Matter rally, for example, direct any media attention you get to a leader of the rally instead of taking up space as a non-Black ally. Don’t push a person in a wheelchair unless they ask. Don’t assume a Muslim woman in a hijab is oppressed and in need of liberating.

Marginalized communities are already working to change laws and make the world safer, so ask them how you can be of service, listen to what they say, and act accordingly.

• Allies should always be welcome in marginalized communities’ spaces

When we love and support our friends and family we often think we should always be welcome in their gatherings. Like, why wouldn’t queer people want us at their party? We love them! We support them! We’ll keep this space safe! I’m practically like you—my best friend/sister/husband is gay/Black/trans.

Sometimes members of a group need to be around each other to heal. Every year I go to a LGBTQIA Muslim retreat. Only queer and trans Muslims are invited and—let me tell you—it’s such a relief to be surrounded by people who fully understand your identity. There’s no need to explain our existence or to answer questions. We can just be ourselves, and it’s magic. When you are part of a dominant group in society, you get this opportunity all the time, but this particular retreat only happens one weekend a year. We need that space to ourselves.

Give your friends and family members the space they need to connect with their communities without making them feel guilty for excluding you.

• Allies should depend on marginalized groups to educate them

It is exhausting just living life as anyone who isn’t a straight, cis, white, Christian man in America. There is very real violence, hatred, and vitriol coming at us. There are gender pay gaps and racism and legal battles to fight. Considering all that work, it shouldn’t also be up to marginalized groups to educate allies. Do your homework. If your kid comes out as pansexual, read up on it before assuming things (if you are reading this site, you are already doing a great job!). If an autistic friend tells you they prefer identity-first language, Google what that means before asking them. It’s okay to come with follow-up questions if you are confused by what you’ve read, but make sure to check in first to see if your kid or friend is in the headspace to talk about it. And keep this in mind for strangers you encounter on the internet. Don’t assume your Twitter followers want to answer all your questions about race in America. Being on Twitter can be hard enough without feeling pressured to do other people’s homework.

• Allies need to be perfect

Learning to be an ally is a lifelong process. Even with the best intentions, you will make mistakes. You’ll accidentally assume someone’s pronouns. You’ll use an outdated term that is now considered offensive. You’ll hesitate to correct your mother when she says something homophobic. You will absolutely mess up. That’s okay. It will be intensely uncomfortable when you are called out on it. That’s normal. Don’t defend your actions; don’t tell them that your intentions were good. Remember that intentions don’t change impact. A classic example of this is if you stepped on someone’s foot and broke their toe. Saying “Why are you in pain? I didn’t intend to hurt you!” doesn’t change the very real impact of the person being in pain. When someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, own up to it, apologize, and do better in the future.

If you can, be gentle with allies to your own causes too. Try to talk to them in private, and be constructive and specific about how they can improve. Allies are such an important part of our fight. We need you now more than ever.

Be sure to check out the rest of The Defining Series right here!

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