#vidhik.writes

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

When she’s too scared to agree and too polite to fight me on something “Go away, when you can, move far from this country,” my mother tells me She thinks I’m too radical for the borders I was born in She thinks I have too much fight in me to hold my tongue in She fears maybe she’ll see an example made of me

My mother is not without her flaws And I see where she gets it When I look at her mother, I turn back to my own I am faced with a younger woman, young and scared and too much like me And worse I am embittered by my own empathy

Because that is empathy I was never taught to show myself That is compassion I waited for like a dog at the foot of her bed That is love I still find hard to give the girl in the mirror Because I wish she would see me and find someone worth loving But she sees the potential of being loved instead

Because that is what I keep finding myself to be Someone who can do well and be liked Someone who can  be pleasant company With just enough work and effort put in Someone that can of love be made worthy

When our throats are raw from screaming and knuckles are bloody Eyes dry of tears that have streaked our cheeks After fighting for each other or each other maybe “Go away, when you can, move far from this country,” my mother tells me And I wish that that wasn’t the only time I felt like she really sees me

-cuckoo's carbon copy

taglist (it has been long since i've written something and tagged anyone, so feel free to drop me a message if you want to be removed or something <3): @enigmasandepiphanies @mistyw273 @genderfuckfag @fanofthepod @mrdyketator @davidpincher @callme-aria

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

superstitious

i don’t believe much in signs but i texted a friend after a long time and was told that it had been a low point and they were praying for one when i came back as a sign

i don’t believe much in fate but there is a friend i once made and we kept missing our train but i am no longer scared of not talking to her because all this time we haven’t made it long without finding the other again and again

i am not too superstitious but i joked once about catching nazar after having the most comically sad month ever to which a friend said she’ll take care of it and the rain next morning washed away the troubles

i don’t believe much in blessings but there was a day i would have taken one and it came in the mail with perfect timing enclosed within was love trinkets and sour candy and it came not a day too late no matter how long i’d been waiting

i find religion hard to keep i fear it will give me reasons to suffer and complacency to keep suffering but i think i will give faith another chance and put it in my darlings in the love that surrounds me

taglist (send me a message or an ask to be added or dropped from the list <3): @enigmasandepiphanies @mistyw273 @genderfuckfag @fanofthepod @mrdyketator @davidpincher @callme-aria

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

पावस

मुद्दत हुई है मुलाकात को फ़ुर्सत भी नहीं याद करूँ उनका रास्ता मालूम नहीं तो मैं इंतिज़ार तूफान का करूँ

जिनके नीचे दीवानी नाचूँ वही बादल उन पर भी बरसते हैं उनकी महक उनके अश्क चुरा कर कुछ वही बादल मुझे भी दे जाते हैं

कल-कल पानी में हसी है उनकी पायल बजती हैं बौछारों में आँधी से जब बजती हैं खिड़कियाँ “आ जाओ!” कहती हूँ दरवाज़े से

तूफ़ान में दस्तक माशूक की पाकर खुली सब ही खिड़कियाँ छोड़ देती हूँ कभी पानी में स्याही सी बिखरती कभी मोगरे सी खिल जाती हूँ

यूँ तो मुद्दत हुई है मुलाकात को पर क्या ही मैं शिकायत करूँ कि बेरंग पावस में ऐसा नूर नसीब हुआ मैं बादलों की शुक्रगुज़ार हूँ

wrote something in hindi-urdu for the first time so i am skipping the tag list on this one, also i don't know how to translate it in a way that works so i am hoping it just reaches people who might like it

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

undone

you don’t call me up and i don’t miss you we don’t think of us i swear i still don’t

but last night my world almost crashed down on me and i was wondering

if you still live on the same floor if your number is still was it was if you still meet all the people we used to if you still walk back in the rain too

and if you would wonder about me too if yours almost crashed down on you

you don’t want anything to do with me and i don’t either

but if it was all to be over would you let me come over hide myself in your arms be tender when i’m undone

promises scare you they scare me too but if it was all to fall apart in a day or two

would you also rather your hands find me the way mine reached for you

if it was all to be over you would let me come over hide myself in your arms and be so tender i’m undone

we won’t think back to when we won’t ask what if just lose ourselves in company if it’s okay with you it is with me

do check it out on my blog because i wrote it with text aligned differently which i can’t find a way to do here

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @enigmasandepiphanies @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @killingvillanxlle

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

last night i dreamt distantly of a house near the sea there was salty breeze, windchimes and there were cardigans and tea i didn’t see you there and i didn’t see me but when we talked this morning i felt that breeze on my cheeks and i know it was goodbye even if for just a while i’ll miss you like windchimes the wind and hope i’ll cross your mind

i hope you keep me like flowers pressed in a diary or the tea you make just for some company and when you’re closer again i’ll walk up to your door and i hope you’ll let me in to be around on your floor i don’t need you to be my house near the sea i want to be around you even if just for some company

a house and some tea

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @enigmasandepiphanies @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @mrdyketator

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

softer pink (a catalogue)

Playing card houses, paper snow Juice in teacups, a plastic rose Holding hands in our pillow fort When we were kids we had it all

When rain knocked on our windows We were pirates with paper boats My room stood in for the universe Whenever we were astronauts

Blanket dresses, towel capes Braided hair and glitter nails Trying on each other's clothes Private soft toy fashion shows

Barbie movies, studio ghibli And the years we hated pink Hopscotch and antakshari Staring contests, "who will blink?"

That was all before my hurt Was on my skin, easy to see When my pain used to warrant some worry

Before there was so much to heal When my wounds didn't bleed into your bed And painted us a darker red

I wonder was there something I could've done I wonder if things could be different Maybe if I'd loved you more and had known Or did I love too much, was I too intense

Was there ever a method of prevention If not, is  there still a remedy Can I still wash away the blood Paint over us a softer pink

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

grief ridden

I looked at myself one day Grief was all I saw on me I took a deep breath and held myself And felt the grief flow through me

"Who are you grieving?" I asked the mirror And I looked deep within But there was no (one) answer

Everything in me, all I was Was a homage, full of grief Full of memory and thought Full of love, loss and disbelief

My body was so grief-ridden So I looked for a lost higher power I wanted to ask a god (I once believed) If I could ask for another (body)

I carry within me The grief of a woman Of a whole generation And those before Of a rainbow bearer Of a people betrayed And a person preyed Of many, many others And many a days

I have so much grief in me And grieve I continue to So if our paths ever cross I might spare some for you

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @enigmasandepiphanies @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

writer girl

the things i write my pretty, wounded words may all point to a lover lost, their pain and hurt

but you’ll never know its you i am talking to i’ll hide behind this hypothetical romance, i’ll never name you

i’ll tell my little stories they’ll feature us both there’ll be just enough details enough that you’ll wonder, never know

the hurt you left won’t be the only one there’ll be others too all blurred together

into an archive of me of the pain and grief that i got and i gave each one a new leaf

i’ll write of pain because i know it well you can all be my muses i’ll be the writer girl

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

main character complex

standing on the sidelines when the home team is all you but you aren't even playing

you can picture it all see yourself in there but all you ever let yourself be is the backup player

you lock yourself away and watch from a distance while it all goes away because you're too scared

because you can wipe your cheeks and dry your eyes but then you'd learn they're soaked in your cowardice

ms. protagonist, main character the lead of your divine play but you're not even on the programme you're the understudy to your own name

ms. protagonist, main character off your glasses went but you didn't need a makeover just be there for the main event

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

the knotted dupatta

I am so full, brimming with you Full of knots like the dupatta I bought with you

The first knot:  you liked the jhumkas I tried and wore out of the market you drew them on a napkin and I tied it in

The second knot: the coffee bill from that day you scribbled stars on when we sat in silence as I wrote away my pain

The third knot: we were walking home when you stopped in your tracks and you ran up to hand me  the bells that fell from my anklet

A knot for all the sweet things you said The right words right when I needed them

A knot for each song you sent A mixtape of ballads And one for our favourite band

A knot for the poem you wrote The one you said I was your muse for

With your memories spilling from my heart I threw the knotted dupatta across my back Wishing I was in your hands I sat there all wrapped

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

tagging: @enigmasandepiphanies @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream 

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

the last train (?)

it has been so long since i took that train i looked at you till you disappeared i didn’t want to see you again

there were days i needed you and i cried that you were at a distance and i cried you wouldn’t be here for me even if you weren’t

i was the boy who cried wolf when i needed you to look i asked too much, you yelled and being me was all it took

you called often to check in and i dropped by for the old days when i forgot why i can’t forget you’ll never leave your old ways

i never stop going back to the you in my head the romanticised childhood with parents who tucked me into the bed

instead of turning me away while they hold their baby close telling him he is loved while i vent to my diary in prose

now my heart is a mosaic broken, abstract art and so is my support system that is still the hard part

i seek out family in people i met last week i lay myself bare before a glass wall they can’t come in, only see

i’ve had trouble with that for as long as i can remember i let you in so many times and you always made sure i said never (again)

i can make it harder for me to visit but it can never be hard enough you paint me as the prodigal son but i’m just a hopeless fool who wants your love

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

contact name

I open my phone a dozen And scroll past your name Like I'm not wondering if you ever Look at mine the same way

I pine for your voice For anything you can spare I'd rather have you fight me It is your lack that scares

We'd both yell and you'd leave But I was always scared to I always knew that you wouldn't Come to me like I always do

Talk to you, remind you That we really love each other That you should take me back And I would be your cool girl

I will be easier on us I swear I'll hold it back I'll love you just enough I swear you'll like that

You cared for me enough That I learnt to love you more But I guess I learnt too much More than you'd ever had before

I open my phone a dozen And scroll you past your name I look at it willing a ping Refresh our texts again

I await from you a text, a call A shred of you that leaves with me Just enough of you to hope more And spend the eternity pining

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed <3)

taglist: @mistyw273 @callme-jay @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @junenightsdream @book-dragon-not-worm @blxck-wxxd-chaos

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

taglist and transcripst under the cut (ask to be added or removed)

resting place

will you hold my hand when i fade into slumber nice and slow

lay me down on soil six feet under wet and cold

my eyes won’t be red for they will be closed i’ll be held by the earth i won’t yearn to hold

will you hold my hand when i fade into slumber nice and slow lay me down on soil six feet under wet and cold

don’t put me in a box just bury me plain lay me bare to the earth and i’ll leave my pain

will you hold my hand when i fade into slumber nice and slow lay me down on soil six feet under wet and cold

when plants have grown over where you laid me down will you think of me then will you come around sit by me and pretend you can talk to me somehow tell me something new that happened in our town

will you reach for my hand and lie next to me when your time has come together we can sleep

then i can hold your hand when you fade into slumber nice and slow lie with you on soil six feet under wet and cold

we can hold our hands and stay there together forevermore

taglist: @mistyskiesrambles @enigmasandepiphanies @callme-jay​ @rosiechor​ @oasis-of-you​ 

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

O little me! I wish you well

I hope you stay out a little longer Run a little bit faster Push your luck a little harder

I hope you fall a bit more And scrape your knees more often Before you're the one cleaning them Before they stop blowing on your wounds And the lightness of love Disappears from their yelling concern

I hope you don't care much About how you look to others Forget how fast time passes in play Before you have to fight to remember

O little me! I wish you all that I miss now O little me! I wish you well… I wish you a childhood spent well

o little me! -saaya

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed)

taglist: @mistyw273 @enigmasandepiphanies @rosiechor @callme-jay @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

A Flower for Your Hair and My Hand for Your Hand

Word Count: 1037 This was inspired by this post here and I also took some inspiration from this very sweet anon on @incorrect-jatp-quotes​

AO3

Ray got back from work, came in and set his stuff down on the table and headed up to Julie’s room. He knocked twice, “Hey!”

“Hey, dad! How was your day?” She said closing her laptop and setting it aside, welcoming him into the room. “I had a great day! Hey, how do you feel about dinner at James and Simon’s?”

“Oh, I miss hanging out with them, haven’t seen them since-” Julie stopped mid-sentence and her head dropped a little. James and Simon worked with Ray, they had a lot of dinners and game nights with the Molinas. Soon after their wedding, Julie’s mom fell sick, and they hadn’t hung out with them since. That needed to change, it had been a year since she last saw them. She looked up with a soft smile and said, “Yeah, that’d be fun.”

“Great! I’ll go talk to Carlos.” Ray walked out grinning and excited.

Julie went out to the studio to talk to the boys, to find Alex lying on the couch balancing his drum sticks on his fingers, Luke and Reggie playing some game. “Hey!” She caught them off guard, Alex dropped his sticks and sat up to face her, Luke turned around and stood up, their faces all lighting up. “We’re going to dinner at dad’s friends’, you guys can come. They have a really cool music collection, and they love your songs!”

“Oh cool!” Reggie said enthusiastically. Julie turned to him and said, “But you cannot do anything of the sort you did with Carlos to prove ghosts are real, just, don’t.”

Reggie looked at her and then his bandmates for a second in silence until Julie broke it with laughter which they joined in.

💮

The boys walked through the doors after the Molinas and followed them into the living room. Alex stepped in slowly, as if measuring each step. James welcomed them in and he followed in after Luke and Reggie, admiring the art and posters that adorned the walls of this beautiful home.

When Alex saw James walk up to Simon and stand beside him and take his hand, his eyes widened and a smile spread across his face, looking pleasantly surprised.

They hung around and admired the wall of musical records, a large collection that included a few of the familiar ones Luke wrote, with Trevor Wilson’s name on them. Alex just sat down beside Julie on the couch and listened to them talk and play charades. He looked happily when James ran his fingers through Simon’s long hair, as they sat close so comfortably.

Julie was quick to notice Alex. She’d found out about Willie when the boys told her about how they got to play the Orpheum, but she finally heard about him just a couple of days back when Alex couldn’t stop smiling after he returned from the beach, having met Willie for the first time since the Orpheum. She glanced at him knowingly and asked James, “Hey! I haven’t seen any pictures of the wedding. Can I see them?”

Alex had realised that James and Simon were a couple, but it was when the word “wedding” struck his ears that he realised they were both wearing wedding rings.

“I made a scrapbook of all the best ones, it was difficult to pick, so it’s a pretty big scrapbook!” James all but jumped in his place as he told them excitedly about the beautiful, decorated and loved scrapbook as Simon brought it out and sat down beside Julie to show it to her, Alex jumped out of his seat and stood behind Julie to get a clear look at the pictures of the ceremony. Luke and Reggie sneaked up behind him giving each other knowing looks, as Luke put an arm around Alex’s shoulders.

Alex went through a spectrum of feelings, but the most overwhelming was the warmth he felt in his heart. Tears rolled down his cheeks that couldn’t stop smiling.

The photos looked so beautiful, straight out of a fairy tale. James was wearing a black tuxedo, the design of which matched Simon’s white one. Simon’s hair was tied up with white flowers in them. Alex thought of a forgotten dream, a dream which felt lightyears away from possible, again after a long time looking at the pictures of a ceremony he could only imagine.

💮

They had dinner and went home. Still unable to believe that he’d just spent the evening the way he had, Alex asked Julie a question he had now been waiting to ask since he saw James and Simon’s wedding rings but held back so that it wouldn’t appear that Julie was talking to herself. “Gay people can get married now?” He asked like children ask if they can open their presents.

“Yeah! Gay marriage has been legal since 2015.” She smiled and went to her room after saying goodnight to the boys.

💮

The next day, when Alex went to the beach, he smiled brighter, his eyes twinkled as he waited there for Willie. On the way, he saw some beautiful flowers and picked some for Willie.

When Willie poofed in front of him, he jumped to hug him, but unlike the last time he had hugged him, having met for the first time after he thought they’d never see each other again, this wasn’t urgent. This hug was soft and happy, assured that neither of them is going anywhere.

Alex broke apart and walked behind Willie to put the flowers he picked into his hair. Confused Willie turned to face him and took the flowers out and examined them in his hand, he looked up with a smile to see Alex’s face had dropped a little. He tied his hair up and put the flowers in them and grinned at Alex. The twinkle in his eyes returned. Willie bent forward to give him a kiss on his cheek and chuckled as he saw Alex turn as pink as his hoodie.

Willie picked up the skateboard, walked to his side, took his hand and lead Alex ahead, prompting him to walk with him. They didn’t need to walk, but they just wanted to, holding hands and smiling because they couldn’t help it.

[like-butterflies-and-glitter]

ravenous

i chewed on my lips and walked with my head down bit my nails till i tasted blood in my mouth

picked on my wounds till my nails felt the flesh scratched away at myself till there was no skin to scratch

i was cold all the time so i set myself on fire i've been tired so long i no longer feel tired

i've been hungry so long i lost my appetite then i got a taste of blood got me roaming the night

i've got my nails in flesh and there's blood in my mouth i'm no ravenous beast i'm just turned inside out

taglist under the cut (ask to be added or removed)

taglist: @mistyw273 @enigmasandepiphanies @rosiechor @oasis-of-you @fanofthepod @callme-jay