#versus what happened after The Smiler opened in 2013
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Two Alton Towers Shitposts That Won’t Leave My Mind
#1: The Reason They Built The Smiler
The Ministry of Joy: Dr. Kelman, we would like you to work out a way to make people extremely happy and extremely obedient to authority.
Dr. Kelman: I would be delighted!
Dr. Kelman: [does intrusive brain surgery on people that makes them into vegetables]
Dr. Kelman: [hires abusive and frankly terrifying staff to help run his “Sanctuary”]
Dr. Kelman: [makes hypnosis videos featuring decomposing animals and slogans like “Life is Bad”]
Dr. Kelman: [tortures his patients]
Dr. Kelman: [best success is a guy who is only 50% marmalised in the end]
The Ministry of Joy: . . .We have decided to give your job to a roller coaster.
Dr. Kelman: [surprised Pikachu face]
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#2: My Interpretation Of What Happened to Oblivion’s Lore
The Lord of Darkness: Ha! Foolish mortals! You throw yourselves into the abyss at my command! You linger on the precipice of terror simply because I told you to! I gather energy from everyone you sacrifice to the pit! ONE DAY I WILL BURN THE SKY AND ALL WILL BE --
The Ministry of Joy: [comes in]
The Ministry of Joy: [punches the Lord of Darkness in the face]
The Ministry of Joy: [rebrands Oblivion as one of their experiments]
The Ministry of Joy: [puts all the Oblivion merchandise in Buy The Smiler]
The Ministry of Joy: [leaves]
The Lord of Darkness:
[eventually]
The Lord of Darkness: [sobbing] please let me be a force of ultimate evil again
The Ministry of Joy: [wanging a soda bottle in their face] Wanna wanna/wanta Fanta
#alton towers#the smiler#oblivion#dr kelman#alton towers lore#shitposting#well I think they're funny#the first one is based on official Smiler backstory#and what I've seen and read about the Sanctuary Scaremazes#yes they DID have a 'marmalisation' video with DECOMPOSING ANIMALS#I think it was a pig#like Kelman what the FUCK#the second is based on what I've read about old-school Oblivion lore back in the day#versus what happened after The Smiler opened in 2013#also the Fanta thing is that Oblivion apparently had a SPONSORSHIP with the drink?#possibly still does?#that I don't know a lot about but it is a thing#the specific wording is based on Fanta commercials I remember from when I was younger#oh and yes apparently Oblivion does NOT have its own shop anymore#at least according to a merchandise video I saw on YouTube#so yeah#Ministry of Joy just took the wind right out of Lord of Darkness's sails#sorry buddy#queued
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