#venting isn't enough I need to rest my tired bones somewhere deep in a marsh where I can settle into the soil and let moss grow over me

[pawfulofwaffles]

Can I vent?

Like in Among Us?

Ok sorry. But like seriously. How do neurotypicals fucking survive. I worry so much about my adult life, because NT adults complain about it so frequently and I don't even got my shit together at 15-- how am I going to survive in adulthood? I've been reassured multiple times that I'm going to be fine, but these reassurances are coming from people who don't have the same issues as me.

They don't regularly experience the shame I feel once I finally snap out of zoning out, or the numb realization that I've barely gotten anything done in 3 hours of working. When I try to explain it, it feels like trying to explain flavors to a person without tastebuds. And they probably feel the same about me, because I can't fathom the idea of being able to just... focus. Today my mom frustratedly told me something along the lines of "I don't get it, when I was a kid, I just got it done. Why can't you do the same?" I don't want to get distracted, I don't want to disappoint my mother, I don't want to feel so hopeless about my future. I just want to feel in control for once.

Along with constantly worrying about whether I'll make it or not, I often wonder what makes everything worth it. Silly question. It's the small moments that count, right? Like the good times hanging out with your friends, that's what makes it all worth it. But in adulthood, time off seems far and few between. From the looks of it, my mother is always working. How does she find joy in anything anymore? I already feel like I'm constantly working on week days since it takes me until 9 PM to actually finish at least 94% of my school work(though, probably more around 71% if I bothered to thoroughly check what I should be working on, and that's not even accounting for non-school work I should do, like hygiene, laundry, cleaning, and other domestic tasks that I can easily forget about). And then either I get good rest but have an "all work no play" day, or use 10-11 PM as free time, but end up half asleep the next day thanks to my revenge bedtime procrastination? Jokes on me, I'm gonna be exhausted physically and mentally the next day no matter what my sleep schedule is!

I don't even know what my job is gonna be in the future, but if it takes me from 4 PM to 9 PM to do like 20 fucking math problems... just, what's the point of it all if I'm just going to feel drained every day for the next 60 years? The only time that I feel somewhat ok is the weekends, and sometimes during my RBP nights, but those are usually also filled with guilt and dread for the coming day.

I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. I'll find a balance and be able to work while also finding time for fun. I'm just tired and sick and my bones hurt. I should go to bed. I wish it wasn't so hard to figure out what will work for me. And it's not helping that when I try to explain it, I feel like I'm just perceived as some lazy inconsiderate fuckup. As if I want this. Maybe they're right. I don't know.

Don't feel obligated to interact with this post, just being able to write it was stress relief.

To leave this off on a lighter note? meme