#venting because this shit has been bothering me for days now

[glass-needles-and-futurisms]

#Thoughts Musers?#Mine are a bit mixed: apprehensive yes and also totally understanding that#(as someone FROM Asia—where they NEVER usually tour—they would want to avoid a situation where they stopped from playing)#along with bits of ‘shame that Muse feel the need to comply; just seems so un-Muse-like’#Muse band#musers#wotp tour#Muse Kuala Lumpur#Muse#muse band#2023#muse live#Wonder which song too

So full disclosure: I am in Kuala Lumpur right now because this is probably my best and only chance to see Muse live. And it's not just because I'm Asian; I'm from a very specific nationality whose movement in and out of the country is very tightly regulated and monitored (unless you're rich). We have one of the weakest passports in the world, and western countries like the US and UK are extremely strict about who they give visas to. You could be financially independent, acclaimed and successful in your field and still not get a visa for even a brief 3-day work conference in Cleveland. I spent the last couple weeks an anxious wreck because I have no idea if I could even make it to Malaysia... all because I have no idea whether the immigration officer I'll run into at the airport is gonna be a power-tripping douchebag or not.

I mention this because I'm bothered by the mismatch of privilege whenever these kinds of issues come up. It's not just this show or the 1975 incident; it came up back when Muse toured China in the Drones era too.

It's easy to lean back and boycott Band X when you have the luxury to pick and choose which artists are worth your time, or won't go against your principles. Is it a hypocritical money grab to agree to a gig even if it goes against the messages you espouse in your music? Sure. Is it bad to capitulate to the demands of controlling governments just for the sake of putting on a show? Sure. But do Malaysians who enjoy Muse deserved to be punished for the conservative values of a government/culture they didn't choose to be born into? Well...

Inevitably all this circles back to the kind of "no ethical consumption under capitalism"- style moral accounting The Good Place exists to dissect. We all make compromises when it comes to the things we consume or patronize, and we have different thresholds for what our personal values can and can't tolerate. People still buy smartphones and Shein clothes. They still listen to Chris Brown and Marilyn Manson and a whole ton of "problematic" musicians. They still look the other way when a celebrity they like does something horrible.

Policing every single thing other people like based on how moral or "problematic" it is may seem noble, but it is both an exhausting way to live and a gateway to a ton of insane gatekeeping/purity culture logic. And that goes double when your lived reality exists on a different plane from someone else's.

The Muse fandom is not a monolith. Not everyone holds the same values and principles... nor the same freedom to actually exercise them. We can argue 'til we're blue in the face about whether they're morally compromised by virtue of being an international stadium act beholden to higher powers. Or we can argue over whether role-playing political ambiguity deserves to be punished to the degree of, say, domestic abuse or sexual assault or open racism. Either way there's still gonna be some random kid who can't watch his favorite band for reasons completely unrelated to these culture wars.

Because unless all this Matty Healy discourse is actually going to uplift Malaysia's marginalized LGBT community through direct activism, all of this is just posturing by privileged white people and their enablers in an ethical pissing contest. Unless you're working to fight world injustices in a way that's not just "getting angry on the internet", you're not a better person for saying Muse are hypocrites for performing in a shitty country full of people who never asked to live there (or in the case of Southeast Asians, probably can't leave even if they wanted to). "Let he among us without sin" and all that.

I don't really know what my point is here. If you think one censored song is worth cancelling Muse over, that's up to you. Maybe if I could actually afford to go to more shows I'll even agree.

Muse have “pulled one song from their planned KL setlist owing to its title” following Matty Healy in Malaysia-gate. Huh.

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[allzelemonz]

Annoying: John Marston X Male Reader

Fictober Prompt: Day 3, Hate Sex Pronouns: he/him, Reader referred to as ‘man’ Physical Sex: AMAB Rating: E/Smut Warnings: Hate sex, anal fingering, anal sex, prostate massage, dirty talk, teasing, mentions of John’s situation with Abigail and Jack, Reader is an asshole, pre-Blackwater, violence, punching Summary: You’ve been sent on a scouting excursion with John to find a good spot closer to Blackwater, John is annoying through the whole ride.

It has been two hours. Walking along a barren trail with your tired horse and listening to the endless and constant complaining of John Marston. The man is undoubtedly irritating, wholly annoying. But Dutch picked you for scouting, so you to try to tune out that stupid scratch in his voice and focus on looking for a new spot closer to Blackwater.

“I just don’t get what her deal is.” John continues.

You feel the distinct desire to bash your head against your saddle horn. Maybe that would end this insufferable ride. Why couldn’t Dutch have picked Javier or Charles or someone quiet? At least Micah talks about interesting things on occasion. Bill can crack a joke. None of them have this apparent need to vent whilst riding.

“She just doesn’t-”

“Marston.” You groan. “Shut up, for the love of life itself. Just be quiet for once.”

“Oh, are my problems annoying you?”

“Yes, jeez, just shut it.”

He huffs, looking away to pout like a child.

“No one wants to hear about you and Abigail, the whole camp already has to listen to you go on and on about how the kid isn’t yours. No one cares.”

“Fuck off.” He mutters.

“I wish I could.”

There is a blissful minute of silence before he opens his mouth again. “You think he’s mine?”

“Fuck, Marston.” You sigh. “I have no clue, just shut the hell up.”

“He ain’t.” He mumbles. “Can’t be.”

“You won’t have to worry about it if you keep talking, because I’ll shoot you.”

“Why’re you always so damn irritable?”

“Because you annoy me to no end, Marston.”

You pull on your reins to move towards a clearing that looks promising, only slightly visible from the narrow path between trees. Finally sliding off your horse, you stretch your legs a little and look over the spot.

“How do I annoy you exactly?”

You rub at your eyes, feeling the ache forming behind them from having to listen to his voice. “In every possible way you could ever imagine.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“I’m not the one bothering other people with my problems.”

“At least I find the time to bring money in instead of lounging around camp all damn day!”

That, now that, brings a twinge of much more than annoyance to buzz around in your head. Not only have you been bringing in consistent money since you joined, you just pulled a job with Mac and Davey that scored the camp funds upwards of eight-hundred dollars. So, naturally, you punch John in the face for suggesting otherwise.

“Shit.” He mutters, recoiling and tackling you to the ground.

You roll for a while, exchanging punches and losing your hats along the way until you find yourself atop John. You sit across his thin torso, your fist curled into his shirt as the other stands ready to lay another blow. But, John, he goes still, as if he’s afraid to move. For all the scrapping and talk, you know you’re not scary enough to make him freeze like this so you lower your raised fist and look over your shoulder. You half expect to see lawmen or O’Driscolls or something, but it’s just the forest and the horses grazing by the trees.

“What’s your problem, Marston?” You ask, shifting slightly on him.

Then you feel it, barely brushing against the back of your thigh as you move. John Marston is hard in his pants from being beaten up by a man that hates him. His face flushes and he claws at your arm, but you just push him down harder into the grass. Your mind races for a moment, thinking of the roads you could take. You hate the man quite a bit, but you’d be a fool to deny he’s attractive and something in the back of your mind is begging you to find out what that raspy voice sounds like when it’s full of want.

“We tell no one.” You mutter, giving John a threatening look.

John’s chest moves slow as he processes, then he nods quickly. You lean down and connect your lips, catching the taste of tobacco and the scruff of his stubble. John’s hands find your hips, urging you down to grind against you but you resist.

“You’re not in charge here, Marston.” You murmur against his lips. “You just lay still and let me use you, understand?”

His eyes dart around yours quickly as his face gets redder by the second. “Y-Yeah.”

You move down to unfasten his pants and as he kicks them off, you fish a tube of gun oil from your pocket. It has always been a suspicion of yours that John gets around more than he lets on, and it is all but confirmed by the way he stuffs his pants under his hips and spreads his legs.

“You some kind of whore on the side, Marston?” You ask, fixing yourself between his open legs. “That why you got on with Abigail, a shared profession?”

“Shut up.” He mutters.

He intends to say more but you cut him off easily by inserting your slicked fingers without warning. His back arches, pressing into the feeling as he chokes on a bit of air that turns into a whimper. You’re not going to give him the time to rest or adjust, he doesn’t deserve it after talking all day. So you crook your fingers, running them along until his hips jolt from the contact. Then you focus and focus hard, pressing into that nice sensitive spot inside of him until he can’t even speak to warn you. He releases across his stomach, his softening dick untouched.

His head lulls to the side as he catches his breath and you slip your fingers out. You move as fast as you can, not wanting to hear any of his protests about being sensitive. He’d whine about it, you know he would, so you grip his hips and press inside in the midst of his recovery. John chokes on air again, muttering as he covers his red face with his arm. Only one eye peaks out at you as you start your pace and you ignore it, focusing on the act rather than the who. If you don’t think about it being John, the image of your dick disappearing inside such a nice ass and the feeling of gripping such a slim waist make you groan to yourself. If it were any other man, you’d praise him for feeling so good.

John, however, does not have that control. “God, you’re… fuck you’re good.”

It’s the moan that gets you, raspy just like you imagined, and completely wanton. You double your effort because that sound was so good for something that came from John of all people. And, to your delight, it happens again. As you slam into him, your balls bouncing enough to truly earn the nickname, John begins to pant. Your eyes are drawn to his dick as he reaches for it and stops it from slapping against his stomach. His hand wraps around and pumps in time with you.

You lean down a bit, enough to speak over John’s lewd noises. “You better get yourself off before me, Marston. I’m not helping you otherwise.”

He groans, seemingly all too happy to be treated like nothing but something to fuck in the grass of the gang’s next camp spot. You watch his hand, your eyes flicking down to watch your own fucking on occasion. Both are such a sight. John cums again, spilling a little on his hand this time. The sound he makes, such a shaky and raspy guttural moan, hits the right things for you and sends you right over. You slow your thrusts, milking yourself before burying deep inside of him.

It takes a few minutes before your muscles respond and you can pull out to rest back on your knees. John still has a haze in his eyes, his arms splayed out as his chest heaves. You let yourself relish the sight, forgetting only for a moment that you hate him, then you pick up the tube of gun oil from the grass and pull on your pants. A one time thing, albeit a great one, with such an annoying man.

[nerves-nebula]

I usually take it in stride and it really doesn’t bother me at all so don’t let this discourage you- but I was going through my csa tag and MAN. it is kind of sad to know that I’m like. The person that like 30 people have gone to to ask if they experienced csa. And that way more have gone to confess their experiences to.

Like, and I don’t mean this as a dig but- I’m an irreverent blogger who posts about funny shit and vents. I constantly make jokes about really dark subject matter & my own trauma. I make art about my OCs and I’m best known for an original tmnt iteration where the turtles get sexually abused by their dad.

And I’m the one you turn to for this? both of us anonymous, you don’t know me, but you came to me because (I assume) you’ve got no one else you can be sure will respond well to the kinds of questions you need to ask. I try my best but chances are I’m probably younger than some of you. And I’m the first one you think of. ME. I’ve never even been to real therapy!

It’s flattering and a little funny (I guess being ok with discussing csa is like. My brand now haha) but like. Societally? It’s a bit sad. It’s unfortunate that there isn’t a better way or a better resource to ask these questions to or get reassurance from.

Recently I was helping a classmate -a near stranger who was graduating like a week after this happened- with taking down their final art project. I mentioned jokingly while complimenting their work that I mostly make art about CSA, but it isn’t usually as good as the thing they made. At hearing this they basically jumped at the chance to tell me about their experiences.

Usually people just say “oh wow” or something like “well it’s an important topic” so having found someone who related was refreshing

But it made me realize that just being able to say the words is probably why a lot of people talk about it in my inbox. I got the impression that this person hadn’t found anyone willing to bring up the topic at all, to the point that they were spilling their guts to a near stranger.

And yea it makes me a little sad. I’m not an expert or a resource, and I barely just stopped being a kid, hell I’m not even always coherent! but I might also be all someone has just because I’m like. Too autistic to stop myself from bringing up child sex abuse every few days??

I don’t know where I was going with this lol. It’s very late and I should sleep

[dumplingsjinson]

Long post ahead, read if you want.

tw: mental health, mention of depression

So I've been very inactive these days, and it's because I am Dealing With My Issues irl, which is sucky and shitty and I'd really rather be living on Tumblr and writing prompts all day but sometimes... Life just doesn't allow that luxury. Especially when you're feeling stuck and your mental health is getting in the way of you functioning properly without feeling stuck in the same vicious cycles of your own brain's doing.

In all honesty, I haven't been feeling the best for the past few months, and I feel like my mental state has been on a decline, and I feel like it's gotten worse now that I'm in a relationship.

This is not to blame my partner or anything but to say that getting into a relationship involves your issues, that have always been there, surfacing properly. And when I mean surfacing properly, I mean you become so much more acutely aware of shit you've been able to suppress for a long time and never bothered addressing. You become aware of yourself as a person, you start to realise all of your flaws in such a vicious and cutting manner, and that shit hurts like a bitch.

You finally get to see a reflection of you, plus the issues you've been carrying on your shoulders for way too long.

I've been crying so much these days, I've been overthinking a lot, and feeling like complete and utter shit. I've been getting into more frequent fights with my mum, I feel like a failure in basically all aspects of my life, and like I'm not good enough, and like my insecurities are eating my alive, which isn't helping my mental state at all. My mood has just been on the low most days. I need constant distractions, otherwise I will have to sit with my own thoughts, and that scares the living shit out of me.

Because what do you mean I have to sit there and process my feelings? Eugh, brother, eugh! Fuck no!

But on a more serious note, all of this shit has finally got me up on my feet, so I'd do something about them and get the help I've needed for quite a long while now. My partner encouraged me to finally make this step, even though I have thought of seeking help for quite a while now but just never did so. It's mostly for reasons and the fact that I was scared 'cause I didn't know what it would be like to actually reach out and spill my guts out to some stranger.

I saw a counsellor at my university for the first time this week and it went better than expected. For one, I didn't cry during the appointment! He's a very nice dude, and it felt nice talking to someone who could put my thoughts in order and give me actual solutions. Venting to friends is nice, but it gets to a point where even that doesn't help, or you feel like you're bitching too much.

I did get told I could be heading into a depressive episode (fucking fun, I know) and my depression/stress score was pretty high, although my anxiety score isn't too high (which is surprise considering my overthinking), so we're trying to work through that.

Next appointment is in around two weeks' time, and until then, I live in my head once more and have to deal with my emotions without going into breakdowns every two business days.

I don't know when I'll be properly active on here. I've kind of just abandoned everything (this blog, my Discord server, my social medias) in the midst of it all, but I'll try to come back and post more often.

But yeah. That's where I'm at.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 26

usaid anon, darling anon (new), runaway friend anon (new), hijabi anon, midnights anon

Usaid Anon

Hey cas its usaid anon.

So.. everyone in state just got an email to reply with 5 accomplishments they've made while working for state and i fthey don't reply it will be seen as a resignation.

I... what the fuck thats all im feeling right now

Okay as fucked up as this is, did you hear what people did? They completely spammed the e-mail. It's so funny.

_________

Darling anon

Thank you darling, for answering my asks, each time. I had too many anon names, and tried to solve a different problem with each. And you know, you never solved my problems, of course, you are just someone on screen. But whenever I write here, I seem to delay everything for a moment, and telling someone helps.

I'm glad I could help, even a little. Remember that you're safe to vent here, and I care about you. Also please think about asking for help irl. You deserve it.

________

runaway friend anon

hey cas, I hope you’re doing well.

Yesterday I was over at a friend’s dad’s house (divorced parents on her part) and everything seemed fine. I don’t go over to her house a lot but it is that. (We’re both15-16) sk everything seemed normal but today at school she told me she is running away from home. I asked her why, she said she had a fight with her dad after i left and there were hitting involved. Thankfully I didn’t see ant noticeable bruise on her but that’s still real bad. Tonight she is at her mum’s house but tomorrow she’s supposed to be over at his again and she told me she’ll find a motel something and I told her she isn’t doing any such thing and if she needs to come sleep over at mine for sure.

I told her to talk to her mum, so she can sleep at her house instead and stuff but her mum won’t be home until 3am and when she goes to school probably asleep too. when I told her that and said her mum seemed nice she mumbled ‘she’s not’ but i know she’s better than her dad.

I want to help her but don’t know what to do

its also a really really busy week in terms of essays and tests and its shit she has that too now.

I don’t really know what to do.

I’m assuming you probably need to know me information about the situation but idk what to give. her parents fucked her over before but never physically that I know of but acknowledge I don’t know everything.

I’m also afraid its my fault because it happened in the few hours after i left

I don’t know what to do

I have been struggling with my own mental health lately a lot and honestly don’t feel stable enough to be a rock for her and feel like shit for that. I will hopefully see her and talk to her tomorrow.

I’m so sorry to bother you<3 have a nice day.

Hi <3

First of all, this absolutely isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong and you absolutely could not have prevented this. HOWEVER, I think you need to tell an adult about this now. I know it sounds scary, and I know you might be worried about betraying your friend's confidences, but if her did is hurting her and she's considering making a dangerous decision, you need to tell an adult who has the power to help. This isn't something you can control, and you've done everything right so far- being there for your friend, offering her a place to stay, etc. Bringing in an adult is the next right step <3

_________

junior anon

Hii it's junior anon

so I did try to talk to my friend about it but she was like "Didn't I do the same for you?"

... How is that even remotely the same. You do way more for her. A camera??? Just because of that??? One time?? It happened to me multiple times and you just sat back and pretended to NOT NOTICE!! HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR?? I'm not trying to compare but how is it fair. If I'm closer to her as she claims shouldn't she care at least a bit more?? Am I just not doing enough? (the you in this paragraph isn't directedat you /clarification)

But hey at least she's one of the few still here :))

so that's fine :)))

anyways thank you for taking time to read this, have an amazing day ahead <33

I'm so sorry <3 It's frustrating to feel like like your friend isnt validating your feelings. I think it might be time to spend some time with some other/new friends, then. It doesn't mean you have to dump this friend at all, just take some space.

Remember that no matter what happens, you deserve love and respect!

___________

Midnights anon

Hi Cas! It’s midnights anon

I just wanted to share that I had a good day today!

I’m 17 days clean (no sharp objects, no punching, no scratching)

I cut my screen time down today and I had such a good time!! I had raspberry yogurt with granola (that I mixed and prepared myself) and a left over taco for breakfast, and I had some fried eggs and sausages for lunch (which I also cooked myself!)!!

I read some Thoreau and a book I really like called “Finger exercises for poets”, studied some drawing anatomy (I drew a couple of REALLY good drawings and I’m super proud of myself) and listened to some of my records.

I discovered a new song I like, did all my Duolingo lessons, did my Bio, History, English, Math, and Greek homework

And I’ve been brushing my teeth twice a day and taking all my pills, so now my anemia, iron deficiency, and vitamin C deficiency are all getting better!!

I organized my photos on my laptop, anddddd

Yeah! I’m pretty happy. And it feels weird, and good.

Thank you for reading!!! :]

Wow, that's amazing! I hope you continue to have many good days like this! Remember if you have an occasional bad day though, more days like this good one will come!

_____

HIjabi Anon

Hiiii, Hijabi Anon again (that name is perfectly fine, by the way!). I was also the person who said I was going to my first concert yesterday, and it was so fun! I saw Cavetown and Mother Mother live, and it was life-changing (I bawled during This Is Home, lol).

I’ve decided that being in the closet isn’t that bad, to be honest. This may sound bad, but I’m thankful that I’m bi and not a lesbian. At least I’m attracted to men, so if I ever want to get married and fall in love while still keeping my family, I can just try to fall in love with a man.

Also, if I had ever thought of coming out, my cousin kind of ruined it for me. He was driving me to the mall with his sisters, and we got to talking. His younger sister mentioned how some middle schoolers in her school had already started being intimate, and she thought it was weird. Somehow, that turned into him talking about how, back when he was in high school, he saw two guys kissing and took it upon himself to beat them up badly. I was appalled and started arguing with him (obviously), but I had to toe the line between defending a queer person just existing and defending queer rights. The moment there’s even a suspicion that I’m an ally, I’m kind of screwed. So, my argument was just that he had no right to beat someone up for doing something in private (which they were—he was the one who barged into a locked bathroom). And even with that, I couldn’t win because he’s convinced queer people aren’t worthy of basic human decency.

I’m thankful I wasn’t alone because his other sister (not the one who first brought up the middle schoolers) was helping me defend them. She also took me to see Cavetown!! I know she’s an ally and not like the rest of our family, but I’m not out to her either. That whole argument put me on edge, and it really makes me scared. I’m sure he would never hurt me if I came out, but the fear is still there.

Hi!

I'm so sorry about what your cousin said/did. That's absolutely terrifying and I can see why you're scared. It's truly awful that people like this still exist. I'm so glad to hear that his sister helped defend you and the people he hurt.

I'm glad that you're in a mental place where you're comfortable with where you're at right now. I'm always here if you need to talk, and it sounds like your cousin (the one who took you to Cavetown) might be an amazing ally as well.

Sending love <3

[beevean]

I'm here to vent to someone because I can't find nfcv-saltmine, but yeah why do some people have to be like this. They completely shit on the source material of the adaptation they watch.

Richter in Castlevania has plenty of depth, he literally had an identity crisis in SotN and acknowledged that he can't be trusted with the vampire killer anymore so he entrusted it to someone else. He showed massive amounts of maturity and humility but wasn't a push over

They deleted their blog. I know them, and they said they just didn't like being too negative and how people used their askbox as a way to bitch about fans. I understand, the fans should be left outside of the discussion.

Now, I have no intention of simply pointing at OP in the screenshot and going "lol look at this idiot". So, if you expect me to do so, I ask you to not share screenshots. But I understand your frustration, not just because "show great games poopoo" which is the bread and butter of r/castlevania, but because the dissonance at work here is fascinating. "I hate when people insult show Richter! They don't understand Richter as a character at all! They clearly didn't play the games! Which were so badly written and thankfully fixed by the show! Stupid purists!"

N!Richter is not Richter. The two have different themes. Richter struggled with the knowledge that, after killing Dracula at 18, his life became essentially meaningless, and because of this, Shaft was able to turn him into a puppet to resurrect Dracula, which filled him with so much shame that the Vampire Killer was passed onto another family for centuries. N!Richter is currently battling both with the grief for his mother and the fear that the Belmonts as a whole aren't needed anymore - and the Belmonts have no legacy in the show, let alone a Dracula-killing one, so there's no way they could properly recreate his corruption arc... which, in fact, is going to N!Maria, apparently. I am still baffled that game fans are still waiting for the show to suddenly snap back into game canon and give us a proper SoTN adaptation, or god forbid an AoS one. it reminds me so much of those poor saps who were sure that N!Hector would have become a gigachad in S4 so that they could finally get the long-awaited CoD adaptation. yeah, about that. I know it would be better if the two factions weren't so neatly separated and at war with each other, but as far as I'm concerned, the show itself decided to drift further and further away from the games to the point where now they just can't be the same story.

I have come to accept that many game fans, especially the older ones, simply don't care about their story. They enjoy the gameplay and think the Belmonts are cool, but reduce every game to "jumping on platforms and whipping candles and killing Dracula over and over". Only on Tumblr I've seen this intense dedication for nearly every character, even the most neglected ones: here people do like analyzing the writing and spreading the word that it's more complex than it lets on! But on the other side, as I keep saying, discussion about Nocturne in particular has been uniquely poisoned due to genuinely bigoted dudebros who don't even bother to hide that they hate N!Annette because she's black or N!Richter because "he's a pussy" (same with N!Hector, after all, who to this day is victim blamed for being stupid). So when this person snarks about the triggered purists, I know which type they're talking about.

Criticizing the shows is one thing, but when it comes to the fandoms, I admit I'm rather burned out. I see the same thing with Sonic, people endlessly shitting on the games because they like the comics or movies more for their "improvements", and it becomes a litany of "this adaptation i like is good because the source sucks lolololololol". What else can I say about it? There's no point in sharing screenshots to point at someone and laugh, unless there's a bigger argument to be made like I tried to make here. So I want to be clear on this. Don't use me as a megaphone just to bitch about specific people, please.

[mrs-monaghan]

OMG Tae did way worse than I expected 💀💀💀

Slow Dancing - #3 on Billboard's Global Excl US. Jimin did #2 because of that Morgan whale

#4 on Billboard's Global 200 this week! - JM #2

BB 200 - Tae - #2 100K album, JM #2 164K.

BB 100 - Jm #1, Tae - #51 💀💀

the way most popular member charted below than Suga is crazy lol. Even Jimin's all hated Bside SMF ate it up so bad (#30 BB). This is answer to his rabid stans than internet popularity doesn't give you a shit irl. First outchart supposedly unpopular rapline before getting Park Jimin's lowest numbers lmao

Before I comment on this I would just like it to be known; I AM NOT A V ANTI!!!!!

This isn't a disclaimer. I am only stating this because of the asks I've go10 shitting on him. I will not be posting those. I don't blame anyone but myself. I know I have allowed people to vent about him here before and I was definitely among the people getting pissed at the JK name dropping but I'm pretty chill these days. So V's antics don't bother me and also there is something about binging all that Layover content continously that just reminds you that V is not the monster people paint him out to be.

If you haven't had the time i recommend this video. It was my favourite and I quite enjoyed it.

He is funny and honestly I also wanna say adorable 😂😂

Sure, the way he treats those around him could use some adjustment. But those around him seem to love him just fine so who I'm I to be mad at him, you know?

Now that that's out of the way, let's indeed talk numbers. I've said multiple times the 2 most popular members are Jimin and JK. Not V and JK. We've seen this before but sure, let's revisit the topic.

So a friend of mine who quite enjoys keeping tabs on numbers did the following math:

September 9th Streams, Thailand percentage compared to overall Streams:

Seven: 17,6 %

Slow Dancing: 29,6 %

Like Crazy: 8,7 %

So this is the amount of Streams Thailand had for the Maknae line Main Tracks on September 9th, Compared to worldwide Streams.

😁

Maknae Line, Main Track Streams Debut Day. Global vs USA vs Thailand

Debut Streams "Seven":

Global: 15,99 M

USA: 2,064 M (12,9 %)

Thailand: 1,3 M (8,13 %)

*

Debut Streams "Like Crazy":

Global: 6,6 M

USA: 0.997 M (15,1 %)

Thailand: 0,165 M (7,5 %)

*

Debut Streams "Slow Dancing":

Global: 6,14 M

USA: 0,388 M (6,3 %)

Thailand: 0,970 M (15,8 %)

These are the Streams for each Main Track's Debut Day. Global vs US vs Thailand

In conclusion:

-USA and Thailand looooooove JK. BUT Seven is charting in 71 out of 72 (wow) eligble Spotify countries. So it's a bob and a hit globally.

-USA loooooooooves Jimin. Thailand, not so much 😬

-Thailand absolutely looooooves V. USA, not so much.

But we kinda already knew this no? Alot of vermin are in Thailand, Vietnam and Philippines, etc. SouthEastAsian is Taekook domain statistically speaking. But the thing is, its still mostly V they prioritize. SEVEN experienced global success coz JK appears to be a fan favourite everywhere. So that helps him even when the SouthEastAsians decide to mostly support V.

So assuming these calculations are correct, which they should be since they are from Spotify Global, (feel free to go do your own) I really don't understand how it was concluded V is the most popular member. And there is many more countries to choose from, my friend only used Thailand coz its one of the countries that stream the most.

People assuming V is the most popular coz of his followers on IG, Guys, Instagram is only one app. V solos n V biased Armys can convince themselves that he's the most popular but numbers do not lie. Chapter 2 has shown that that, is not the case at all. I mean if you've been on twitter you've seen V hasn't even been able to beat Suga in certain categories and records. Like anon said.

The purpose of my post is not to say V isn't liked. That would be a lie. I'm just saying if anything JK is the most popular BTS member. And that's on fax 💯💯💯💯 with Jimin being a very, very, close second. And I know by saying this I am beating a dead horse atp but if Jimin had go10 the push JK did they would either be head to head or he would have surpassed him. So imagine what a big deal it is, that Jimin is doing so well right now and he didn't even get that huge company support.

US album sales were 3K according to Billboard, thats like 30k singles. China did 800k 😱 Asia loves V. US however, which is where it counts for Billboard, do not. Billboard sabotaged all Asians after Jimin won, which means if JK hadn't go10 radio play he never would have won. So, without radio play, V was never going to get that number 1. Those who aren't dillusional already knew this. So we aren't surprised

[c-nan]

suicide ideation/attempt? tw under cut (dw it’s not me, just need to vent about what happened today)

i’m really trying to wrap my head around everything that happened and i’m having a hard time bc my brain feels like absolute mush and i just need to throw it down here and if anyone has any advice on how to move on i would greatly appreciate it. so basically this is what happened:

my friend started the convo saying “can i get something off my chest?” i pride myself on my ability to listen and give advice so ofc i said yes. she then told me how she likes me romantically and how she wants to know where we’re going. prior to this, i’ve made it clear 3 different times that i had no romantic feelings for her so i thought we were on the same page. so this time, i told her the same thing i’ve been telling her, figuring it will go how it’s gone every single other time (aka, she’ll get sad, we’ll take a few hours away from talking, then things will go back to normal), but that obviously wasn’t the case this time. again, prior to this, i agreed to go with her (as a FRIEND) for a little valentines lunch on the 13th and we’ve cuddled a bit bc she’s touch deprived and i have trouble saying no. i would like to remind that i have made it clear to her that i haven’t felt any romantic feelings for her.

anyway, so instead of going the way i anticipated it to go, she starts talking about how she’ll need a few days away and how we can’t hangout on monday, which is fine! i get it i understand i dont mind <3 but then she starts talking about how she’s sorry for bothering me and how she hates herself, and im like oh shit, and say “is there anything i can do to ease the pain?” and she comes back with something along the lines of “i’m gonna use a knife to get rid of the pain, I'm tired of life” and of course i start freaking the fuck out because WHAT?? and i’m telling her not to do it and it takes her forever to say “i don’t matter” and then radio silence for a bit until one of her alters (she has osdd) comes on to say that another alter caught her right as she was grabbing a knife (meaning she literally was going to do it) and yeah..

the alter told me that i should still hang out with her on monday bc she needs to know she still matters and i wont leave her and stuff, but honestly i have to put myself first and said i needed time. is that selfish?? im sure she feels a lot more shittier than me but god this has put me through the wringer. she was going to literally kill herself because of ME. i don’t think that’s something someone just gets over. i can’t help but think over and over “what if the alter didn’t take over in time? what if she actually went through with it?” like. that’s a lot and i feel so fucking awful right now. it seems like every single person i get close to i hurt and it makes me wanna not get close to anyone ever again bc i fr cannot go through something like this again

this is probably a selfish and stupid thing to get so upset about bc as i said she’s in a lot more pain than i am but idk, it really affected me bc i caused this and idk what to do going forward :/

[covetedbrother]

most days i’m like “yeah i’m pretty over my ‘sam is me i’m him we are the same and he’s also my bbg my son and my dad’ phase” and then i see one (1) bad take about him and i genuinely get murderous and i’m like “ah. nevermind”

what the fuck has he ever done????

(insane samgirl ramblings under the cut bc i’m losing my fucking mind)

if you’re mad at sam for starting the apocalypse: you’re telling me that if you were dealing with the effects of dying, watching your brother die, addiction, and actively being manipulated by your DEALER and also genuinely operating under the belief that that killing a demon would be a good thing, that you wouldn’t have killed that demon?

this bothers me especially bc sam broke seal 66. because he thought it would prevent the apocalypse. dean broke the first seal. because he tortured ppl in hell!!!!!

leaving for college: imagine getting mad at an 18 year old for leaving to go to stanford on a full ride scholarship. he did that in a “household” where he never lived in the same place for more than 6 months. ever. and his only family members thought it was emasculating to do well in school.

“choosing ruby over dean”: hey. hey. look at me. imagine the person you love most in the world. that you have a toxic codependent relationship with to the point of literally getting murderous if you are separated by more than a room without your choice. you’ve known each other for forever. you’ve killed for him. he’s your brother. you have spent a full year trying to figure out how to save his life. now imagine watching him die knowing he did it to save you. and you can’t get him back. now you are actively suicidal and someone comes along and acts almost just like him and offers you this thing that gives you the power to kill the things that killed him. this person says that you have the power to stop a horrible thing from happening. you believe her. and then your brother comes back from the dead and he’s. different. he doesn’t trust you anymore. and the person who gave you power tells you that it’s because he’s being lied to and manipulated to start the tragedy you are bent on preventing. so you’re hurt and scared and trying to save the world so, just this once, you choose to work with someone other than him.

the shit that happened in s8: again. same scenario as above but now you’ve both killed and died for each other multiple times. you’ve endured over centuries of torture by the devil himself and have just started recovering from the hallucinations that you had of the literal devil torturing you and telling you that you can never feel happy bc this is just another way of torturing you. making you feel happy for a moment only to bring you back and hurt you. then your brother disappears into a pile of black goo in front of you. you have no idea how or why. you do months of research and come up with exactly nothing. life without him isn’t worth living. you’re about to drive your car off a bridge. the car you grew up with him in, the one you both engraved your initials into when you were 8 and 10. with the legos shoved into the vents that you’ve never been able to take out. you’re not paying attention so you hit a dog. shit. he doesn’t deserve to die. not like you. you take him to the vet. his medical bills need to be covered by someone. it can only be you. the vet there treats you like you deserve to live, to be loved. you fall for her. you move in together and adopt the dog you hit. maybe,,,, just maybe,,, you can be happy.

and then your brother comes back. and he’s best friends with a vampire… the vampire’s name sounds like yours.

and your brother is mad at you. then your girlfriend discovers the husband she thought was dead is alive. your brother wanted you to break up with her anyways. you’d do anything for him. always. he doesn’t forgive you. it’s what you deserve.

you take on the trials of hell to try and do something right. it’s actively killing you. every day you wake up and cough lungfuls of blood into the sink. it’s fine. these trials will probably kill you, but it’ll be ok. you’re finally doing something right. the final trial requires you to confess your greatest sins in a church. you spend hours there, and the biggest sin you confess is disobeying your brother. you confess the times you’ve let him down. you’re clean now. you’re ready to die, ready to stop any demon from ever coming to earth again. and your brother calls you an idiot and stops you because he doesn’t want to watch you die. but by now, your body is going to die with or without completing the trials. your brother coerces you into being possessed without your knowledge for a year in order to keep you alive. the thing possessing you kills your friend. your brother blames you for it. it’s fine. he cares. you know he does. he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t care.

it never. ends. THERE ARE FIFTEEN FUCKING SEASONS OF THIS SHIT

ARE YOU MAD AT HIM FOR TRYING TO GET DEAN TO NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC? TO EAT BETTER?

MAYBE YOU’RE MAD AT HIM FOR THINKING THAT THE PERSON WHO MADE FUN OF YOU FOR DOING WELL IN SCHOOL WOULDNT KNOW WHO VONNEGUT IS?

FOR NOT FALLING TO HIS KNEES AND WORSHIPPING DEAN EVERY TIME HE ENTERS THE ROOM?

are you mad at him for forgiving his father?

maybe you’re mad because dean had bad things happen to him that didn’t happen to sam.

are you mad at the man who got into stanford on a full ride scholarship and was about to get into law school before he dropped out for thinking of himself as smart?

i think they’re mad at him bc he’s not a perfect brother who gives into dean’s codependent tendencies 100% of the time. dean has a codependent personality, and sam has a rebellious streak of independence a mile wide. his rebellion just looked like choosing school over hunting, or studying over weapon training, or reading over sparring. not that he didn’t also do those things, he just also did other things.

[evergreenalice]

I want to cry

I hate myself so much

I can't sleep and literally nobody but me is at fault

I am bothered by fuck all, and make it everyones problem

I just want to sleep, but the moment I lay down my heartate fucking jumps, beats fast as fuck,, I want to rip it ouut. all because I'm insecure about shit that doesn't matter, shit that doesn't impact me AY FUCKING ALL

I am forced to suffer, and then know that this suffering has been brought unto me by nobody by my own fucking selfishness

my anxiety meds are doing fuck all for this feeling

I can't even explain the origin of what bothers me, insecurity? Pure selfishness? Fuck if I know but my heart has felt heavy as hell for days now

I need to learn to live with this

I can, I have to

But I feel horrible

And I have to wonder if this is how I'll feel forever now

Every day this

I don't even know why I'm screaming into the void as if this will help

I don't know if it will

I doubt it will

but I don't know what else to do

I might puke

I'm constantly jumping between being upset at nothing, and then haying myself for being selfish, even if just mentally

it's illogical I know

all of this is

I'm being illogical with every word I say right now, and I hate it and want to cry

sorry for the vent

I'll be alright

I just am currently not

but I'll get used to what's bothering me

given enough time that will be true

there is no good solution outside of thay

but I don't entirely feel comfortable talking with my therapist about it, perhaps at somepoint

But not yet

and I think I needed a void to scream in at least a little

[mutipede]

Imagine for a second that you're in a friend group. Another person - who you don't know as well as others, they're sorta younger and have sort of a dynamic of "they were recently in a different shitty friend group where people kept being an asshole both to their face and behind their back, and triggering them by joking about underage sex shit, so another friend transplanted them out of that group and into ours" - so you don't know them that well personally, but you're sympathetic to the shitty situation they were in and they're cool and everything's cool.

They fairly regularly vent about their partner at the time, who is still friends with their old shitty friend group, and treats them badly - not standing up for them, basically ignoring them most of the time even though they were in a relationship - and most notably and severely, going along with the pedo jokes and shit, while using autism as an excuse for being insensitive even after the person they're dating has made it clear multiple times that they are bothered by this (for obvious reasons, you would think, goddamn).

Everyone, of course, unanimously agrees that this is fucked up, they don't deserve to be treated like this, and you do your best to be supportive. Eventually they break up and this person starts making more new friends outside of the group that you are in as well, and you think COOL they seem to be doing well and much happier and that's awesome.

Fast forward some random amount of time. You are messaged on steam by a friend you'd lost contact with for a very long time. Not for any particular reason specific to that person or anything -

(actually pretty sure it was just because I lost almost all the friends I'd had back then because of an abusive girlfriend doing the whole 'if she doesn't like someone or gets into an argument with someone then I can't talk to them anymore either' and 'telling me people said or did fucked up things about me so I don't trust them' and 'telling other people I said or did fucked up things that I didn't so they don't want to talk to me' isolation shit, but anyways)

- They message you, you catch up a little, they also knew and were sorta-friends with another person in your current friend group, and you'd played some TTRPGs back in the day, so you go "hey maybe they'd be interested in hanging out and possibly joining up the RPG we currently have going (which is my absolute fucking favorite thing to do fuckin seriously all of the 'obsessed with friends OCs' and 'RPG with friends IS 100% my hyperfixation' and 'fandom consisting of like three people' and we had that shit going for like 3 years and FUCK.) because the GM has been talking recently about wanting to get more people into it."

So you invite them to the discord server and everyone gets along pretty well right away and you're remembering inside jokes from like a decade ago and everything seems

GOOD

Until they start acting like an idiot. Shit like. Shooting at a friendly NPC outta nowhere (and the GM going "yes okay you do this thing despite the effects that it will most likely have on the people who have been playing this game for years and are actually taking it seriously" for... some reason) - y'know, the kind of thing that I believe would be termed "THAT GUY" shit. Straight up gets his character killed in like the 2nd session he plays, is completely unbothered "oh well I don't care I'll just make a new character"

But like the IDIOT that I (oh wait, you're being me in this retelling) - that you are, you go "Aww shit but that character could've been interesting and had cool potential and you barely even had a chance to get started, that sucks, that seems like a waste, and you're coming into an established game and just don't know the atmosphere we've had going so that explains the dumbass behavior and you can quit fucking doing that now right?" - AND the GM has so far been playing with the rest of us who have been taking shit seriously, give a shit about our characters and the story and everything, therefore doesn't seem to really want to kill off a PC either - so his character gets resurrected and... goes on to continue to do stupid shit.

Which wouldn't even necessarily be that big a deal. He wasn't around for a lot of the scheduled day and time the whole group had been playing (every saturday. for years. Fuck.) so he mostly did random stuff semi-related to the main party and storyline shit on random days he was around. Except the stupid shit he ended up deciding to do included...

Alright, so. From the beginning, there had been established in the game universe, an ultimate Big Fuckin' Bad that was designed to be unbeatable. Like "it has more defense than anything else, literally like you have to get a crit success to do 1 damage, and all of its skills are "murder" so it rolls 8 dice every turn and it will murder you and even if you get unfathomably lucky and kill one it is a time traveling killbot hivemind there are an unlimited number of them it will murder you". It was not designed to be a thing that we could defeat. Hell, it wasn't even designed as a thing we were originally really supposed to even actually fight. It was like one of those "punish players for doing one specific thing that the GM doesn't want us to do" things, and so far up to that point no one had.

Until this guy did exactly that. Yeah, that was what killed his character.

And then he decided to side with it.

And the GM let him.

And the fucked up things he started doing got more fucked up. Like, actually making me severely uncomfortable fucked up. Like "trying to mind control a friendly NPC and force him to commit suicide", to give an example.

I tried talking to him about it. Oh wait I forgot again, you're being me. YOU try to talk to him about it. You are aware that he is also autistic so you say, verbatim, "I know it's tough for you to tell when I'm playing my character in-game as upset vs. when I myself am actually IRL ACTUALLY upset so would it help if I specified" and he goes YEAH so then you make sure to go "Yeah this is actually making me actually uncomfortable that is actually fucked up" and...

nothing changes.

You try talking to the GM about it, not only from a "this is starting to fuck with me" perspective, but on a gameplay level - this guy got his character killed. Immediately. He didn't give a shit when that happened. Now he's used this whole "getting killed and coming back" thing to side with an unstoppable murder machine. He can do literally whatever he wants and no one can do anything about it. He's essentially been rewarded for not giving a fuck about his character, or the game as a whole, or anyone else's enjoyment. He has been doing shitty roleplaying and is being rewarded for it.

And the GM goes "Oh, shit! You're right!"

...And nothing changes.

(On another occasion, when you try to talk to the GM about it again, he actually says "The guy's autistic, give him a break" - if I can redirect attention to the beginning of this post and the established "someone using autism as an excuse to trigger someone else is unanimously understood to be unacceptable" thing..)

You try talking to the other most active player. Who, by the way, already had his character established as intended to be a twist villain the whole time. Like it's an open secret and the GM knew from the beginning and he's a good roleplayer and it's got some cool thematic parallels and fun story stuff with YOUR character so you're cool with it and looking forward to the challenge of either having a final epic battle against your friend OR seeing if you can find a nonviolent solution in the end, and because he's also been playing seriously for years and has gradually and organically becoming more powerful over time along with your character, you know he'll play fairly and it'll be fun and good story shit, and here's this jackass who has barged in and completely stolen the twist villain thunder and become stupid-unstoppable-OP in the equivalent of two days - so yeah that's shitty for him, too.

You, also verbatim, say how you've been getting actually triggered by some of the shit this guy has been doing, and don't know if you're overreacting or being unreasonable or selfish (which is, in itself, something that you have historically spiraled about) - since "it's just a game maybe I'm wrong for taking it too seriously or personally" and "his character is a villain he's doing villainous things and what if me getting upset is interfering with HIS fun"

I mean, ignoring that everything he's doing is interfering with everyone else's fun, but you have started to get into "I am wrong and selfish and everything I do and feel and think is unreasonable" trauma brain territory.

But, you (also verbatim) make the comparison that - making you deal with a villain character who's doing the kind of shit he's doing seems similar to making [person I mentioned at the beginning of this post] deal with a pedo villain character. Especially since that person's ex was continually triggering them and using autism as an excuse, and this guy has been continually triggering you and using autism as an excuse. And because yes, sure, villains do fucked up things, but this is a game and everyone is supposed to be having a good time and he is taking shit way too far. And he, at the time, emphatically agrees with you.

But doesn't say anything about anything to the GM.

And nothing changes.

You start to pick up on other shit the guy says and does outside of the game. He was (I think?) studying to be a psychiatric nurse, and worked in some sort of psychiatric facility. He says... man I don't even know how to explain it, but like... weirdly dismissive things about patients, getting into physical altercations with patients, and talks about how much he doesn't care when people in general complain to him about their life situations and similar shit. You start to wonder how much of his holy shit extreme asshole behavior in the game is reflective of his actual self in actual reality. You feel like an asshole for thinking this. You look around like "is anyone else noticing this shit? Is anyone else bothered by this?" No one seems to be noticing this shit. No one seems to be bothered by it. Or at least, if they are, no one is bothered enough to do anything.

Because nothing

fucking

changes.

Finally. Fucking finally. The GM decides to have a big dumb battle where the guy's character gets killed again (or fuckin you know "stuck in a dimension with his murder bot" so he is STILL essentially being rewarded because his character got what he wanted anyways) but fuck it who cares you don't have to deal with him anymore and he's making a new character that doesn't sound like an asshole so you hope that everyone can move on and have an actual good time.

Until he keeps talking about his asshole character. And when you - who have absolutely not made a secret of the fact that you have been increasingly uncomfortable with the whole situation the whole time - ask if he can just not talk about that character when you're around - he drops this meme

Because fuck you, fuck your enjoyment of the game that you'd been playing for years and regret ever inviting him to because his stupid fucking jackass character was allowed to irrevocably alter it forever for some. fucking. reason

You blow the fuck up and block him. He leaves the server. The game eventually picks back up but it's not really the same. You fucking want it to be the same, goddamn it, because you cared about it and you thought the other players cared about it but now the GM has this weird spiteful undercurrent, and has turned it into "I'm trying to kill you because that one fucking guy and him only didn't take it seriously so I'm gonna punish everyone by dialing up the difficulty and going back on things I'd previously said to nerf your character" but there's still shit you want to do and experience and shit you're looking forward to and this has been a beloved pasttime and a source of stability and JUST. FUCKING. FUN GODDAMMIT you don't want to give up on it

And then about a year later.

Many other incredibly stressful events have occurred in your life. You are not doing well. That is an understatement. You are falling apart. You try and communicate this to the only close friends you believe you have. Including specifically saying at least 2 or 3 times that you have been more and more suicidal and experiencing worsening paranoia and feel like you don't exist. You are mostly ignored. You try and hold shit together. If you pretend things are alright then maybe things will be alright. Everyone is having a hard time. You are aware that everyone is having a hard time and you don't want to make it worse. But holy fuck

One friend ghosts you for a month. You have no idea if it has anything to do with you or not, you have no idea if he's alright, you have no idea if he's alive. You're not important enough to communicate with. Other guy gets pissed that no one is talking and decides to start an argument with you about something unrelated. You make a convenient scapegoat, because your presence or absence in anyone's life is irrelevant anyone can treat you in any way without having to worry about consequences.

Sorry, "you" here still referring to me. You can stop being me anytime. I recommend it! I'm stuck though.

The whole situation I wrote about gets brought up. And actually, even though you could scroll back and find evidence that actually your memory of the events is accurate, actually it turns out that never actually happened, and actually:

You unilaterally invited that guy against the GM's will. He hadn't been talking about expanding the game and inviting more people. Everyone didn't initially get along.

You never explained, in detail, multiple times, to multiple people, what was wrong and how uncomfortable you were. You just acted weird and refused to say anything.

The term "triggered" is a specific medical / psychological terminology. When you said, multiple times and as clearly as you possibly could "no seriously this is actually bringing up traumatic shit from a previous abusive relationship and I am actually severely uncomfortable" you weren't using the term correctly because people who are triggered by something want to avoid any mention or discussion of the thing that triggers them because that discussion is in itself triggering. ...Oh, your reaction to a trigger not being what someone expects doesn't make that thing not triggering? You don't expect to be able to completely avoid the specific situation(s) or complex collection of circumstances and feelings that are triggering, so you'd rather talk about it if or when it comes up so people know what's going on and can hopefully work through it? Oh. Well, then, you aren't using the term correctly because you weren't, like, sexually assaulted. ...Oh, you were. Oh. I guess you are allowed to use the terminology. Let's all just breeze past the whole making you disclose that in order to be taken seriously thing. Which you still won't be, by the way, since:

You didn't adequately explain how and why you were triggered (please ignore the previous portion of the argument where I argued that if you were really triggered then you shouldn't be capable of talking about it at all) so how did you expect anyone to ever understand it or take it seriously or take it into account when trying to understand your behavior? (ha ha you thought that anyone would "take things into account" or "try to understand your behavior" in the first place)

You attempt, at one point, to make the comparison again "[other friend]'s ex continued triggering them despite their attempts to communicate their discomfort and used autism as an excuse, everyone agreed this was fucked up and unacceptable. [That guy] continued triggering me despite my attempts to communicate my discomfort, and it was all "c'mon he's autistic give him a break". This made me feel like a lower tier friend."

[Other friend] who had not previously been involved in the argument, hadn't been active in the discord channel where this conversation was taking place at the time and you weren't even aware they were online pops in to "hey what the fuck why are you bringing up and reminding me of my ex who treated me badly for no reason". The guy who you previously made the exact same comparison to, who agreed with you, is present. He says nothing. That would interfere with everyone dogpiling you for everything you say. You are not a thing that people stand up for. That's a thing that people do for friends. That's a thing people do for things that matter.

If in response to all of these events you say that you don't feel like you have friends, though, that's hurtful. It is hurtful to communicate that you have been hurt. You might make an actual person who actually matters feel bad.

Sorry, you can stop being me now.

Fuck. I originally started writing all of this out to attempt to work through shit and figure shit out and maybe get some 3rd party input (although I wouldn't blame anyone if they quit reading ages ago - or didn't even start reading in the first place hah, this is long as fuck) but there just... isn't any explanation for this, really, is there? What the fuck justification could there be for doing things to me that were openly called unacceptable when they were done to someone else, other than I was just. Not viewed as a thing that mattered.

Fuck.

[tortured-writers-parttime-poets]

[dumbass quirkless UA teacher izuku au]

just found this absolute gem in my notes app please guys i need more fics like this

dumbass quirkless UA teacher izuku au

dont let the dumbassery fool you, he's actually a genius. oh, also in this his hair started going white at 9, was fully white by 11. 

he lives in a shitty apartment on the edge of a red zone. he was kicked out at 12 years old because the rent wasnt paid, and hasnt seen his mother since he was 10. he has multiple phDs in social work, quirk counseling, psychology, and analysis. he also hacked the HPSC's and police's files of him to add in a teaching phD. and he's graduated high school digitally, though he's still 14. 

nedzu found him when he applied for the entrance exam and convinced him to be a teacher because he was overqualified to be a student. he teaches Analysis and Psychology, or A&P for short. 

he had 1A first. when he walked into the classroom he was wearing a plain black medical mask, a 'women love me fish fear me' hat, an oversized hello kitty sweater with aroace and agender pride pins, dark green cargo pants and one (1) hot pink croc with some dinosaur clips on it. oh, and black socks. he also had in one gold contact and one purple contact, which was revealed when he lifted his bangs to give iida a blank stare.

katsuki, who already knew(theyre friends in this), had to sit there and not laugh when izuku smack talked iida, introduced himself as Mr. Hands, presented their first assignment in the most fucked up confusing wording possible, threw glitter on them, then left through a vent in the ceiling. 

right before he made his exit tho, he turned to shouto and said 'oh by the way ur legal guardian is hawks and has been since u were five but neither of u knew until now but he should be here for when the end of day bell goes to pick u up,' then sent the poor kid a thumbs up, threw extra glitter (DINOSAUR glitter) on him and left. 

then shoto promptly burst into tears while  staring into space. katsuki collected both of their shit, tried to brush the worst of the glitter out of shoto's hair, then walked to the teachers lounge with shoto following him absentmindedly. 

oh, have i mentioned he was taught to fight by stain and eraserhead? seperately, of course. at the usj he promptly shoots off two of tomura's fingers, one on each hand, then him and eraser proceed to absolutely decimate the remaining villains, though eraser does more capture than killing. they wrap it up in record time, and still have plenty of time to go through each of the rescue activities. 

also in this chisaki is actually a good dad and isnt using eri for experiments, he's also kind of izuku's dad. him and nedzu actually somewhat get along and bond over their parental experiences. oh shit wait i didnt elaborate on nedzu yet-

nedzu and izuku are very close, the former considering the latter to be his son/kit. they often meet up in his office to chat, play chess, analyze things, etc. nedzu convinced izuku to move onto the ua grounds, then gave him the nicest apartment possible without it being too big, and gives him high paychecks, insisting it's because he's young and deserves/needs it.

the rest of the staff also have a somewhat familial bond, especially aizawa, snipe and recovery girl, but he fucking despises all might and doesnt bother to hide it. 

him and hawks are pretty close too, after everything with shoto. he's already got dabi figured out, and checks in with him consistently to make sure he isnt starving or in need of medical assistance, but hasnt told anyone out of respect. he does  however eventually convince him to tell hawks, so they start dating and live together. 

he got dabi excused of any and every crime he was accused of, though he was never convicted, and between him, hawks and nedzu manager to get him surgery for his scars so he is no longer a walking open wound. dabi and hawks now both have rights to shoto and thr kid does actually begrudging consider them father figures. 

he also figured aoyama out immediately and they made a plan to get him out, which involved aoyama requesting a meeting with AFO, izuku following him, AFO taking the quirk back and izuku shooting AFO, killing him. the blond is still a UA student and now izuku's personal student, plus part of their group. (katsuki, shoto, hitoshi, mei, and now yuuga)

once AFO is dead, he takes in tomura (and by extension kurogiri) meanwhile stain takes toga and spinner under his wing. despite tomura being like 6 years older he tends to think of izuku as his dad, though he only accidentally voiced it once and got so embarrassed he hasnt since. nedzu is just fucking ecstatic he has a grandkit.

the staff (-ass might) all take tomura under their wing pretty quickly, and after a bit so does 1A. 

each day izuku shows up in increasingly preposterous outfits and no one is willing to say anything for fear of losing a limb or two. the second day it was an oversized black t-shirt that says 'FUCK ENDEAVOR' in bold white text, long hot pink fuzzy paw gloves that go up to the ends of the sleeves, neon pink sweat pants tucked into chunky black platform boots with pink spikes, the same black mask and one of those bunny hats with the paws where if you squeeze them the ears go up. when he entered the building nedzu's cackling could be heard from outside his door. iida almost had a seizure. katsuki almost broke a rib holding his laughter. 

on the third day he showed up in a hooded skin tight sleeveless black turtleneck crop top  that said 'the birds work for bourgeoisie' is white font, baggy black cargo pants, forest green platform boots with heels, a matching green utility belt, the usual black mask, and elbow length black leather gloves. a lot of students realized some things about themselves that day. 

Aizawa sighed loudly when he showed up in a rainbow tie dye t-shirt with '"ur moms a hoe" ? bitch im an orphan' on it in boxy black text. then sighed again when he saw the pink fingerless gloves and heart glasses

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[screamintoad]

Vent and all in all creative talk. I might sound a bit bitchy or ungrateful but I don’t mean it in that tone

This has been eating at me for a few days now and I thought if I just let it go it would stop bothering me but, it hasn’t and so I’m just gonna say it.

It’s upsetting being a creative and having the works that you put less time and effort in, outshine the other finished pieces that you put 5-7 hours into working on. And this doesn’t just apply to drawing but writing as well. I know that my fan works do better, and it makes sense! I started my blog as a way to share my TWST ocs and I still enjoy it. But I want to broaden my stuff, I’ve been sharing my original stories and ocs on numerous occasions, hell I’m writing an entire story, yet they never get much attention-if any.

I’m not talking about tons of reblogs and comments, I don’t mind when people just like my work then move on. It happens with a lot of things that I make and I do it as well. It’s when I’ll be so excited to share something about an original project and it gets 1 maybe 2 likes compared to dozens on a doodle post. That’s why I’ve stepped back from my original stuff because I know barely anyone, for lack of better words, gives a shit. And yes there’s a difference between fan ocs and completely original ones.

“You should still do it even if one person likes it!” “Tumblr is a fan space!”

It’s disheartening when you put your all into something and it doesn’t do as well as you had hoped. Tumblr is a space for creatives in general, there’s tons of original artists and writers on here. Let alone fandoms who have gone from being communities to spaces that demand more of a single thing and as soon as you make something different that you, the creator, love, they don’t care or they ask for what you made before

I understand that this is a jumbled mess of my thoughts but I needed to say it and I know there are others who share these same feelings

[brokensenseofhumor]

The controversial post that I mentioned on my birthday (aka Tuesday, this post is going up on either Thursday 11pm or Friday asscrack of dawn)

The purpose of this post is to clarify a variety of things just in case I go missing Friday afternoon, but due to certain events on my birthday it turned into an exposé + vent post. Even with such circumstances, I hope you can take away some knowledge about me and other people from this post.

WARNINGS: Private matters that have already been dealt with either a few days or even months ago that I’m needlessly bringing to light, mentions of death threats, and lost of fucked up shit in general.

Saii (@/monochrome-cropcrown) dismissed a really violent meltdown I had the day before my birthday and tried using her visit to the hospital as an excuse for not giving a fuck or even bothering to read not even 1 message from the 1 hour worth of distressed and downright concerning messages I had spammed her with an hour and a half ago. We got into a screaming match and she blocked me, but a few hours later she unblocked me, and started harassing me with messages basically victim blaming me for not being god and being unable to control my emotions, then blocked me again before I even had a chance to respond. Here is evidence:

That being said, I also have to take accountability for the horrible shit i said during my mental breakdown. I admit I made threats of physical violence against Fukui Takumi, wishing he’d slip down his stairs and bash his head into a wall, and I apologize for that. I was far too wrapped up in my emotions to realize I was saying overall horrible things aimed at someone that doesn’t even know who I am, and I apologize deeply for that. I’ll try to find better coping mechanisms to avoid this type of situation next chapter drop.

@/huntersmoon1 traumadumped on me multiple times despite me clarifying that I’m a neurodivergent and seriously mentally ill teenager just as many times, and she’s a grown woman in her late 20’s/early 30s that should be getting a therapist instead of telling some mentally unstable minor on the internet about her family’s problems. She also infodumped to me about useless things, even after I have told her I am not intrested in the slightest about anything she’s telling me about. She blocked me after I complained about another one of these needless infodumps, unblocked me after Mina’s exposure, we both mutually apologized for our mistakes, and she proceeded to block me again.

Shortly after Mina’s exposure as a groomer, @/praisethesuuun made a post saying that I shouldn’t be on the internet just because I have BPD symptoms and I’m also a minor.

My mom neglects me and verbally abuses me and my dad is a creep that always disrespects my boundaries, has tried to SA me when I was around 7-9, and this week he stole the conditioner my mom bought for me (after refusing to buy me a new one for the past 3 weeks).

The verbal abuse from my mom started when I was around 5-6 years old.

My mom also held off on buying me toothpaste for 4 weeks, and I was stuck using probably expired toothpaste for over a month.

My school feels more like a North Korean labor camp rather than a school. My homeroom teacher is a bitch, as of the time im writing this post she has threatened to smell each and every student’s ARMPITS (With the most psychotic smile on her face, too) MULTIPLE TIMES. The school’s practices are no better either. Oh what’s that? You didn’t do this easily forgettable and completely useless and unnecessary homework? Oh I’m so sorry, your exam score is an automatic 0 now. Most teachers are so strict that I almost developed a crush one the one teacher that was actually cool.

ALL HAIL KENDRICK LAMAR 🙇🙇🙇🙇

Tags: @aresarmyblog @rukia-writes @amphitriteswife @micah-drew @mizz-sea-nymph @miyahsart @cherry-froese @riseofamoonycake @incorrect-record-of-ragnarok @itz-hellenz @swallowtail-lotus @the-gentlemen-jack @sibchatactics @onecantsimply