#venting because this shit has been bothering me for days now

[glass-needles-and-futurisms]

#Thoughts Musers?#Mine are a bit mixed: apprehensive yes and also totally understanding that#(as someone FROM Asia—where they NEVER usually tour—they would want to avoid a situation where they stopped from playing)#along with bits of ‘shame that Muse feel the need to comply; just seems so un-Muse-like’#Muse band#musers#wotp tour#Muse Kuala Lumpur#Muse#muse band#2023#muse live#Wonder which song too

So full disclosure: I am in Kuala Lumpur right now because this is probably my best and only chance to see Muse live. And it's not just because I'm Asian; I'm from a very specific nationality whose movement in and out of the country is very tightly regulated and monitored (unless you're rich). We have one of the weakest passports in the world, and western countries like the US and UK are extremely strict about who they give visas to. You could be financially independent, acclaimed and successful in your field and still not get a visa for even a brief 3-day work conference in Cleveland. I spent the last couple weeks an anxious wreck because I have no idea if I could even make it to Malaysia... all because I have no idea whether the immigration officer I'll run into at the airport is gonna be a power-tripping douchebag or not.

I mention this because I'm bothered by the mismatch of privilege whenever these kinds of issues come up. It's not just this show or the 1975 incident; it came up back when Muse toured China in the Drones era too.

It's easy to lean back and boycott Band X when you have the luxury to pick and choose which artists are worth your time, or won't go against your principles. Is it a hypocritical money grab to agree to a gig even if it goes against the messages you espouse in your music? Sure. Is it bad to capitulate to the demands of controlling governments just for the sake of putting on a show? Sure. But do Malaysians who enjoy Muse deserved to be punished for the conservative values of a government/culture they didn't choose to be born into? Well...

Inevitably all this circles back to the kind of "no ethical consumption under capitalism"- style moral accounting The Good Place exists to dissect. We all make compromises when it comes to the things we consume or patronize, and we have different thresholds for what our personal values can and can't tolerate. People still buy smartphones and Shein clothes. They still listen to Chris Brown and Marilyn Manson and a whole ton of "problematic" musicians. They still look the other way when a celebrity they like does something horrible.

Policing every single thing other people like based on how moral or "problematic" it is may seem noble, but it is both an exhausting way to live and a gateway to a ton of insane gatekeeping/purity culture logic. And that goes double when your lived reality exists on a different plane from someone else's.

The Muse fandom is not a monolith. Not everyone holds the same values and principles... nor the same freedom to actually exercise them. We can argue 'til we're blue in the face about whether they're morally compromised by virtue of being an international stadium act beholden to higher powers. Or we can argue over whether role-playing political ambiguity deserves to be punished to the degree of, say, domestic abuse or sexual assault or open racism. Either way there's still gonna be some random kid who can't watch his favorite band for reasons completely unrelated to these culture wars.

Because unless all this Matty Healy discourse is actually going to uplift Malaysia's marginalized LGBT community through direct activism, all of this is just posturing by privileged white people and their enablers in an ethical pissing contest. Unless you're working to fight world injustices in a way that's not just "getting angry on the internet", you're not a better person for saying Muse are hypocrites for performing in a shitty country full of people who never asked to live there (or in the case of Southeast Asians, probably can't leave even if they wanted to). "Let he among us without sin" and all that.

I don't really know what my point is here. If you think one censored song is worth cancelling Muse over, that's up to you. Maybe if I could actually afford to go to more shows I'll even agree.

Muse have “pulled one song from their planned KL setlist owing to its title” following Matty Healy in Malaysia-gate. Huh.

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[allzelemonz]

Annoying: John Marston X Male Reader

Fictober Prompt: Day 3, Hate Sex Pronouns: he/him, Reader referred to as ‘man’ Physical Sex: AMAB Rating: E/Smut Warnings: Hate sex, anal fingering, anal sex, prostate massage, dirty talk, teasing, mentions of John’s situation with Abigail and Jack, Reader is an asshole, pre-Blackwater, violence, punching Summary: You’ve been sent on a scouting excursion with John to find a good spot closer to Blackwater, John is annoying through the whole ride.

It has been two hours. Walking along a barren trail with your tired horse and listening to the endless and constant complaining of John Marston. The man is undoubtedly irritating, wholly annoying. But Dutch picked you for scouting, so you to try to tune out that stupid scratch in his voice and focus on looking for a new spot closer to Blackwater.

“I just don’t get what her deal is.” John continues.

You feel the distinct desire to bash your head against your saddle horn. Maybe that would end this insufferable ride. Why couldn’t Dutch have picked Javier or Charles or someone quiet? At least Micah talks about interesting things on occasion. Bill can crack a joke. None of them have this apparent need to vent whilst riding.

“She just doesn’t-”

“Marston.” You groan. “Shut up, for the love of life itself. Just be quiet for once.”

“Oh, are my problems annoying you?”

“Yes, jeez, just shut it.”

He huffs, looking away to pout like a child.

“No one wants to hear about you and Abigail, the whole camp already has to listen to you go on and on about how the kid isn’t yours. No one cares.”

“Fuck off.” He mutters.

“I wish I could.”

There is a blissful minute of silence before he opens his mouth again. “You think he’s mine?”

“Fuck, Marston.” You sigh. “I have no clue, just shut the hell up.”

“He ain’t.” He mumbles. “Can’t be.”

“You won’t have to worry about it if you keep talking, because I’ll shoot you.”

“Why’re you always so damn irritable?”

“Because you annoy me to no end, Marston.”

You pull on your reins to move towards a clearing that looks promising, only slightly visible from the narrow path between trees. Finally sliding off your horse, you stretch your legs a little and look over the spot.

“How do I annoy you exactly?”

You rub at your eyes, feeling the ache forming behind them from having to listen to his voice. “In every possible way you could ever imagine.”

“You’re an asshole, you know that?”

“I’m not the one bothering other people with my problems.”

“At least I find the time to bring money in instead of lounging around camp all damn day!”

That, now that, brings a twinge of much more than annoyance to buzz around in your head. Not only have you been bringing in consistent money since you joined, you just pulled a job with Mac and Davey that scored the camp funds upwards of eight-hundred dollars. So, naturally, you punch John in the face for suggesting otherwise.

“Shit.” He mutters, recoiling and tackling you to the ground.

You roll for a while, exchanging punches and losing your hats along the way until you find yourself atop John. You sit across his thin torso, your fist curled into his shirt as the other stands ready to lay another blow. But, John, he goes still, as if he’s afraid to move. For all the scrapping and talk, you know you’re not scary enough to make him freeze like this so you lower your raised fist and look over your shoulder. You half expect to see lawmen or O’Driscolls or something, but it’s just the forest and the horses grazing by the trees.

“What’s your problem, Marston?” You ask, shifting slightly on him.

Then you feel it, barely brushing against the back of your thigh as you move. John Marston is hard in his pants from being beaten up by a man that hates him. His face flushes and he claws at your arm, but you just push him down harder into the grass. Your mind races for a moment, thinking of the roads you could take. You hate the man quite a bit, but you’d be a fool to deny he’s attractive and something in the back of your mind is begging you to find out what that raspy voice sounds like when it’s full of want.

“We tell no one.” You mutter, giving John a threatening look.

John’s chest moves slow as he processes, then he nods quickly. You lean down and connect your lips, catching the taste of tobacco and the scruff of his stubble. John’s hands find your hips, urging you down to grind against you but you resist.

“You’re not in charge here, Marston.” You murmur against his lips. “You just lay still and let me use you, understand?”

His eyes dart around yours quickly as his face gets redder by the second. “Y-Yeah.”

You move down to unfasten his pants and as he kicks them off, you fish a tube of gun oil from your pocket. It has always been a suspicion of yours that John gets around more than he lets on, and it is all but confirmed by the way he stuffs his pants under his hips and spreads his legs.

“You some kind of whore on the side, Marston?” You ask, fixing yourself between his open legs. “That why you got on with Abigail, a shared profession?”

“Shut up.” He mutters.

He intends to say more but you cut him off easily by inserting your slicked fingers without warning. His back arches, pressing into the feeling as he chokes on a bit of air that turns into a whimper. You’re not going to give him the time to rest or adjust, he doesn’t deserve it after talking all day. So you crook your fingers, running them along until his hips jolt from the contact. Then you focus and focus hard, pressing into that nice sensitive spot inside of him until he can’t even speak to warn you. He releases across his stomach, his softening dick untouched.

His head lulls to the side as he catches his breath and you slip your fingers out. You move as fast as you can, not wanting to hear any of his protests about being sensitive. He’d whine about it, you know he would, so you grip his hips and press inside in the midst of his recovery. John chokes on air again, muttering as he covers his red face with his arm. Only one eye peaks out at you as you start your pace and you ignore it, focusing on the act rather than the who. If you don’t think about it being John, the image of your dick disappearing inside such a nice ass and the feeling of gripping such a slim waist make you groan to yourself. If it were any other man, you’d praise him for feeling so good.

John, however, does not have that control. “God, you’re… fuck you’re good.”

It’s the moan that gets you, raspy just like you imagined, and completely wanton. You double your effort because that sound was so good for something that came from John of all people. And, to your delight, it happens again. As you slam into him, your balls bouncing enough to truly earn the nickname, John begins to pant. Your eyes are drawn to his dick as he reaches for it and stops it from slapping against his stomach. His hand wraps around and pumps in time with you.

You lean down a bit, enough to speak over John’s lewd noises. “You better get yourself off before me, Marston. I’m not helping you otherwise.”

He groans, seemingly all too happy to be treated like nothing but something to fuck in the grass of the gang’s next camp spot. You watch his hand, your eyes flicking down to watch your own fucking on occasion. Both are such a sight. John cums again, spilling a little on his hand this time. The sound he makes, such a shaky and raspy guttural moan, hits the right things for you and sends you right over. You slow your thrusts, milking yourself before burying deep inside of him.

It takes a few minutes before your muscles respond and you can pull out to rest back on your knees. John still has a haze in his eyes, his arms splayed out as his chest heaves. You let yourself relish the sight, forgetting only for a moment that you hate him, then you pick up the tube of gun oil from the grass and pull on your pants. A one time thing, albeit a great one, with such an annoying man.

[commanderchr1st]

Why I left tumblr suddenly in 2017 at the apex of my blog commanderchrist.

I'm sorry to "break character," but I gotta say some shit as Joe that's been bothering me for years. It is corny, it is personal, it is emotional, but I've recently been facing a lot of personal turmoil, and I gotta say some shit.

I'm not calling anyone out, not trying to start drama, but for quite some time I've had some baggage that has caused me a great deal of mental damage, tbh. More below.

Hey all, 7-8 year old drama here. I've told my friends this story, and I've also kind of hinted at it, but I've never really gave an official response why I left tumblr in April of 2017. It's a really long story, and it's been connecting to a process of grieving multiple friendships, two relationships. I've never really wanted to talk about it too terribly much on an account that is so closely associated with what happened, I mainly spent time venting on private tumblrs, going to see doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. For a half of a decade, I was extremely upset, and honestly, it kinda came back in 2022.

First off, fartdick-supreme was a blog I made a few days after I left commanderchrist. I was obsessed to see a particular user disparage me, make false claims, and I was very, very angry on that blog. So, if you do snoop a little, just know that's a hella mentally ill college kid writhing in pain, not a coherent blog at all tbh.

The above picture was sent to me on discord in November of 2016 before they started telling one of my friends I called them fat (and they knew that person had self image issues and most importantly I didn't), racist, treating Tumblr like a meat shop, telling somebody I had a crush on that I was exploiting them because of their pill addiction (just an insane thing to say tbh), conspiring with an ex that cheated on me to write a callout post about all of this and more lol. I deleted in 2017 because I was unmedicated, going through a pretty severe breakup, was taking more than a full-time load at school, and this former friend was doing shit like this almost every day of the week. I refused to talk about this until I've had a LOT of time to heal because tbh somebody who I considered a close friend doing this kinda shook my mental health. I deleted, but I never left. I really don't want to leave their URL or talk specifically about anyone who was impacted on tumblr, but this has also affected a lot of individuals I used to be friends with. And for a lot of that, I was the scapegoat. I accepted this blame. Even though I didn't do like...any of it. At the most, I was a mentally ill alcoholic who had a really hard time navigating friendships. A good deal of friends also had their own individual hardships, especially this individual who had spread these accusations to myself and my friends.

I think it's important to say that all of this started because I was talking shit behind the friends back. I said they were a sore loser, I said they were impossible to talk to, I said they were bossy when it came to playing games, I said they needed to work on their anger issues. And I denied it to them, which I should not have. I should have told my friend all the problems that I was having with them. I failed to do that, because they were a very defensive person. My friends tried too, but they did not have any luck. So, it manifested as anger, and I did talk shit about them to those friends. Word got back to them, and this is how it all started. I'm not going to point any fingers because MOST of those friends, I am still on good terms with, but there were definitely a few that also seemed to share similar frustrations in a public setting.

Maybe it's because I'm mentally ill, but I refused to confront this. I deleted. I left. I went on medication, I finished my degree. But I did not ever once publicly defend myself.

Fast forward to now, and in 2022 I was faced with a very similar situation. I had broken up with my partner of four years. I REALLY don't want to get into the details of that relationship because it was incredibly toxic. I did a couple things I was not proud of as a response, especially when it came to involving my family in our relationship. Both my ex and my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and the other person, and it was maddening. It was a horrible way to live. Especially since every interaction I had with my mother was her trying to pry me from that relationship. At the time, I thought she was being manipulative and shitty, but everything changed in December of 2021 when my ex went to go visit family and I was left alone after moving several times, being evicted twice during covid, making some dumb mistakes financially, and it all dawned on me.

I was being abused. My ex from 2017 had BPD, which is fine, but my ex from 2022 also had this condition. And I was able to see a parallel: I REALLY don't want to go in detail about my relationships tbh and was one of the reasons I didn't want to bring it up, but in both relationships I was put into some fucked situations. In both, any time I had issues with something it was like pulling teeth... 0-10 on the intensity meter. I would bring things up and immediately be disparaged, yelled at, etc. In one of those relationships, they were drunk daily and would call me up and yell at me. They were also sleeping in the same bed as their ex boyfriend for months and not telling me (it was long distance). They also had some sexual exchanges with a pretty well-known tumblr user. The other, long story short, sexually abused me a lot. Put me in a situation of fatherhood when I explicitly mentioned I did not want to be a part of it. They said it was okay. And it was all okay, until all the sudden our bank account was shared and I had moved to a different state. They trapped me financially, and cornered me into fatherhood. The rest of the abuse got a bit more intense when I was left isolated without family in the state I was living in. This shit is hella hard to talk about, but those two are linked. In December of 2021, I realized everything. I was terrified, depressed, isolated, and ruminating. I broke up with my most recent ex in 2022 because...well its complicated but I misinterpreted this grief as me being gay. I thought I was purely attracted to men, and vagina repulsed. It took me longer than this to realize no, I was repulsed by my ex because of sexual abuse. Anyways, when I broke up with them, they threw shit all over the place, some at me. They screamed at me and told me that I was a waste of four years. And they immediately told me I could not be a father anymore and could not see the child. When just month prior I was given a deadline on providing a child for them.

What did this all have to do with 2017?

I've lived long enough to see me make some pretty big mistakes twice in a row. It's not the relationships I regret, despite the abuse. It's the lesson that I failed to learn myself. I need to stand up for myself more, and not accept blame when I did not do anything. I've been diagnosed with (at the very least) minor Obsessive Compulsive Disorder recently, I've had some mental issues in the past. But we are exploring that this may have been derived from PTSD. I think these two scenarios have been a part of it. I've let this get under my skin. In 2022, I lost a couple friendships because I did not explain ANYTHING to them, and my ex spoke to them a day or two after our breakup when I was still grieving, processing, trying to figure all this shit out. I'm ready now. I am a mentally ill person who suffered abuse from other mentally ill people. I have made the mistake of allowing THREE people who have mistreated me and left me with lasting trauma rule my life. They made me run, I've allowed myself to become all the things these abusive people have wanted me to be because I did not stand up for myself, I did not deny anything.... I ran like a coward. I'm sorry for doing that.

To the select people who have heard these rumors from these people in my life, I don't blame you for believing them. As a matter in fact, I'm sorry that I did not explain everything to you.

It will not happen again. And if we have had conversations in the past, or you have considered me a friend. A friend. Not a funnyman, not a "derailer," not anything on this site. If you have talked to me, if you know me as Joe, not Jog. Feel free to DM me.

I've stopped with the anon messages, because tbh I don't want to deal with them. I've had this individual and a couple other send me them throughout the years. If they have anything to say, I'd appreciate them striking a conversation with me via here, discord, whatever. And the same with you if you're curious. Just come to me, ask. I won't yell at you. I won't say anything I won't want to say, either, so if you ask and we were never close or didn't have a friendship in the past, I may not be inclined to share more receipts that I have from this time frame. But I'm an open book.

If you've read this far and you've thought some of my posts are funny, videos, whatever. I just wanna say thank you for sticking with me and appreciating it. And thank you for hearing something out that you may have not had a general interest in. Again, this is not a callout post or anything like that. This was years ago, I'm ready to move past this. I need to heal, and if you were a part of this... even if you were shitty to me, I want you to heal and get help, too.

[nerves-nebula]

I usually take it in stride and it really doesn’t bother me at all so don’t let this discourage you- but I was going through my csa tag and MAN. it is kind of sad to know that I’m like. The person that like 30 people have gone to to ask if they experienced csa. And that way more have gone to confess their experiences to.

Like, and I don’t mean this as a dig but- I’m an irreverent blogger who posts about funny shit and vents. I constantly make jokes about really dark subject matter & my own trauma. I make art about my OCs and I’m best known for an original tmnt iteration where the turtles get sexually abused by their dad.

And I’m the one you turn to for this? both of us anonymous, you don’t know me, but you came to me because (I assume) you’ve got no one else you can be sure will respond well to the kinds of questions you need to ask. I try my best but chances are I’m probably younger than some of you. And I’m the first one you think of. ME. I’ve never even been to real therapy!

It’s flattering and a little funny (I guess being ok with discussing csa is like. My brand now haha) but like. Societally? It’s a bit sad. It’s unfortunate that there isn’t a better way or a better resource to ask these questions to or get reassurance from.

Recently I was helping a classmate -a near stranger who was graduating like a week after this happened- with taking down their final art project. I mentioned jokingly while complimenting their work that I mostly make art about CSA, but it isn’t usually as good as the thing they made. At hearing this they basically jumped at the chance to tell me about their experiences.

Usually people just say “oh wow” or something like “well it’s an important topic” so having found someone who related was refreshing

But it made me realize that just being able to say the words is probably why a lot of people talk about it in my inbox. I got the impression that this person hadn’t found anyone willing to bring up the topic at all, to the point that they were spilling their guts to a near stranger.

And yea it makes me a little sad. I’m not an expert or a resource, and I barely just stopped being a kid, hell I’m not even always coherent! but I might also be all someone has just because I’m like. Too autistic to stop myself from bringing up child sex abuse every few days??

I don’t know where I was going with this lol. It’s very late and I should sleep

[dumplingsjinson]

Long post ahead, read if you want.

tw: mental health, mention of depression

So I've been very inactive these days, and it's because I am Dealing With My Issues irl, which is sucky and shitty and I'd really rather be living on Tumblr and writing prompts all day but sometimes... Life just doesn't allow that luxury. Especially when you're feeling stuck and your mental health is getting in the way of you functioning properly without feeling stuck in the same vicious cycles of your own brain's doing.

In all honesty, I haven't been feeling the best for the past few months, and I feel like my mental state has been on a decline, and I feel like it's gotten worse now that I'm in a relationship.

This is not to blame my partner or anything but to say that getting into a relationship involves your issues, that have always been there, surfacing properly. And when I mean surfacing properly, I mean you become so much more acutely aware of shit you've been able to suppress for a long time and never bothered addressing. You become aware of yourself as a person, you start to realise all of your flaws in such a vicious and cutting manner, and that shit hurts like a bitch.

You finally get to see a reflection of you, plus the issues you've been carrying on your shoulders for way too long.

I've been crying so much these days, I've been overthinking a lot, and feeling like complete and utter shit. I've been getting into more frequent fights with my mum, I feel like a failure in basically all aspects of my life, and like I'm not good enough, and like my insecurities are eating my alive, which isn't helping my mental state at all. My mood has just been on the low most days. I need constant distractions, otherwise I will have to sit with my own thoughts, and that scares the living shit out of me.

Because what do you mean I have to sit there and process my feelings? Eugh, brother, eugh! Fuck no!

But on a more serious note, all of this shit has finally got me up on my feet, so I'd do something about them and get the help I've needed for quite a long while now. My partner encouraged me to finally make this step, even though I have thought of seeking help for quite a while now but just never did so. It's mostly for reasons and the fact that I was scared 'cause I didn't know what it would be like to actually reach out and spill my guts out to some stranger.

I saw a counsellor at my university for the first time this week and it went better than expected. For one, I didn't cry during the appointment! He's a very nice dude, and it felt nice talking to someone who could put my thoughts in order and give me actual solutions. Venting to friends is nice, but it gets to a point where even that doesn't help, or you feel like you're bitching too much.

I did get told I could be heading into a depressive episode (fucking fun, I know) and my depression/stress score was pretty high, although my anxiety score isn't too high (which is surprise considering my overthinking), so we're trying to work through that.

Next appointment is in around two weeks' time, and until then, I live in my head once more and have to deal with my emotions without going into breakdowns every two business days.

I don't know when I'll be properly active on here. I've kind of just abandoned everything (this blog, my Discord server, my social medias) in the midst of it all, but I'll try to come back and post more often.

But yeah. That's where I'm at.

[thenextdawn-temporarilyclosed]

Unexpected

Word count: 1.9K

Summary: request here

Warnings: angst, mentions of Depression

Pairing: Vada Cavell X Fem!Reader

———

It had been a three months ever since the shooting, and you were slowly getting more comfortable in school again. It was hard, getting back pretending that you were alright, and slowly but surely, you were managing. Sure, it would have been easier if you had someone who went through the same shit by your side, so you could “help” each other go through the pain, but the only help you ever received was one from a psychologist who knew nothing about how it felt, because she never was in a school shooting. You had friends in school and sure they went through it too, but they were soon over everything, they recovered quickly, so the only Friend written with capital F you had was Vada. You had met her during the first year of high school and you immediately clicked together, your feelings eventually turning into something more, but you never found the guts to tell her.

“Hey (Y/N)!” Vada said, catching up to you as you were speed-walking to your next class. “It’s been ages since we last spent an evening together! Do you want to come have lunch at my place and maybe we can watch a movie next?” She asked, walking this fast had always been hard for her, that’s why she tripped on her own shoelaces. “I can’t, I have to study. History test, remember?” You said, not even giving her a look of acknowledgment as you walked faster, making her stop dead in her tracks as she sighed and walked to her own class. She felt like you didn’t want to be her friend anymore, she felt as if you were ignoring her… no, you were indeed avoiding and ignoring her, and it made her upset, did she do anything to you that made you upset? She’s done nothing but wanting to stay at your side… or maybe not.

“You don’t get it mom! She’s acting so weird, she keeps avoiding me without an apparent reason!” Vada blurted out while sitting on the kitchen counter, legs crossed as she ate some peanuts, venting to her like she always did after the shooting. “Are you sure that there’s no apparent reason like you say?” Her mother asked, she was cleaning the dishes after having lunch. “Yes I’m sure! These past two weeks I’ve been always texting her and asking her to spend time together but she always dismisses me or gives me cold replies-“ her mother was quick to interrupt her. “You’ve given yourself an answer already, Vada. You said “the last two weeks” but ever since the shooting she has been worried sick about you. She texted you every day, you have no idea how many times she came here looking for you and you were never home, every time I had to tell her you were with Mia” Vada looked down. And when you weren’t home, she’d constantly facetime you on your laptop, it would ring nonstop for two hour hours straight, until one day I gave in and replied”

Two months earlier…

You were panicking like your usual in the afternoon when you were home alone, you kept on thinking about the shooting, how you could die and almost did, and how you just needed someone to hug you and tell you it was going to be alright, so you were trying to facetime Vada for two hours straight now, not getting a reply until you did, but it wasn’t Vada, it was her mother. You quickly wiped your tears and sniffled “Miss Cavell, hi..” you said, trying not to let her hear the evident shake in your voice. “I’m taking it that Vada is at Mia’s place?” Vada’s mother looked at you with a sad look in her eyes and nodded. “I figured… I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I’ll hang up now, will you please tell her I called?” You asked, the woman was about to say yes, but then she figured that if you’d called Vada, it meant that you needed someone to talk to. “Yes I will. But now why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you? I can only tell that it’s about the shooting so please, just go ahead and tell me everything. I know it’s something hard to deal with.” And you did, that time you just told her everything. You cried and vented, letting her give you the comfort you desperately needed from your best friend.

“I could only tell what she felt but She was desperate Vada. She was broken, Depressed, scared, traumatized. She needed her best friend’s help, she needed you yet you were nowhere to be seen. I’m not quite sure what she felt but I can tell for sure that she felt and feels replaced. One day you were best friends with her and the next you replace her with some girl you just met, how would you have felt?” Vada kept on looking down. Her mother was right after all, but she was too busy being with Mia to even notice that her friend was slowly slipping away from her. “She stopped coming here, she stopped calling. She gave up, because she knew that if she’d ask for you, you’d never be there for her and now she’s upset because of this and she has every right to be, Vada. And you have no rights to be upset because she’s ignoring this when clearly you started this first. I’m telling you this stuff because clearly you didn’t realize this until now and for your own good I’m telling you to whatever’s in your power to fix this friendship. (Y/N)’s the most genuine person I ever met, and she’s the best friend you could ever ask for so don’t waste this.”

It was obvious to her mother’s eyes that the two girls felt something stronger than just a friendship for each other. However she always promised her daughter not to interfere in her love life so she left this detail out of the conversation, but the least she could do was give her daughter tips on how not to lose you. All that she said was true. She did ignore you, but she never meant to ignore you for too long, she hadn’t even realized that it had been three months after the shooting. She had lost perception of time. “Can I go to her place?” Vada simply asked her mother, who nodded and gave a small sad smile. Vada was soon out of her home and running to your house. She knew your parents would be working and you would be at home alone.

“(Y/N)?” She called for you as she rang the bell. “It’s me, Vada, can we talk? Please?” The girl asked as she took a peak in your house from the window, until she saw you come open the door and she smiled goofily. You didn’t reciprocate it, but you looked at her when you opened the door. “Hi” she said and kept on smiling but her smile soon dropped when she saw your face “just come in” you told her, and when you were two in your living room you started talking. “what do you want Vada?” You asked her. Of course you were upset with her. “Nothing I-I’m worried about you… I haven’t seen you around, I haven’t seen you at football practice.. are you okay?” She asked, you were trying so hard not to snarl at her “but I don’t want you to be worried at me Vada. Because recently you’ve showed me that you don’t care” you said and looked at her with a sad smirk.

“But I do care-“ “no you don’t Vada! That’s the fucking problem, you say you care, you’re convinced you do but you don’t! After the shooting you completely shut me off, you ignored me, my messages, my calls even though your mother always told you that I’d step by or call you, yet not once did you bother even ask me how I was doing, how do you think I felt, Vada? How would you feel if the girl you love started ignoring you suddenly and started spending time with a stranger? Huh? I was always, ALWAYS trying to check on you and what did I get in return? Nothing, I got nothing” you said, tears started forming in your eyes. “While you were safely hiding in the bathroom with your new best friend I was face to face with Matt Corgan. Yeah, the shooter. Remember him? I used to tutor him. This is the only reason why he spared me” you said and your started breathing heavily, some tears leaving your eyes.

“(Y/N)…” she knew you were going into full panic attack and she didn’t want you to. However you ignored her. “I saw life flash before my eyes. He pointed the gun to my head and he threatened me to kill me if I ran and called the police and for almost two months I tried talking to you, I needed you, I needed my best friend yet you were nowhere to be seen and I felt alone, Vada… I’ve never felt more alone in my entire life and it was your fault! You can’t just fucking push away the people that care about you” you said and turned around, you weren’t facing her anymore. Hands in your hair as your breath quickened “FUCK!” You yelled and started kicking the whatever you could find in the living room. “Dude, calm down-“ she tried, but you weren’t listening to her.

At some point Vada ran over to you, not caring if she got hurt as she tried hugging you from behind “no, no no- let me go!” You sobbed out, yet she wasn’t having any of it. She tried to calm you down with you squirming around, not wanting her to hug you as you tried to get away from her soft but firm grip. Eventually she managed to move you against the sofa, making you lay down on it as she straddled you to keep you still, hands holding your wrists. “(Y/N), calm down please!” She said but you weren’t having any of it. Vada didn’t know what to try to calm you down… until she did. She leaned down and kissed you, until she felt you relax your body and let out a shaky sigh, but you kissed her back. God you had been waiting for this moment forever, yet you never expected it to actually happen, you never expected her to reciprocate your feelings.

At some point Vada pulled back slightly, foreheads touching as she looked at you, her look being a soft one. You looked at her with tears in your eyes, they had stopped flowing out. “This doesn’t mean you’re forgiven” you whispered. She giggled and then kissed you again.

[mrs-monaghan]

OMG Tae did way worse than I expected 💀💀💀

Slow Dancing - #3 on Billboard's Global Excl US. Jimin did #2 because of that Morgan whale

#4 on Billboard's Global 200 this week! - JM #2

BB 200 - Tae - #2 100K album, JM #2 164K.

BB 100 - Jm #1, Tae - #51 💀💀

the way most popular member charted below than Suga is crazy lol. Even Jimin's all hated Bside SMF ate it up so bad (#30 BB). This is answer to his rabid stans than internet popularity doesn't give you a shit irl. First outchart supposedly unpopular rapline before getting Park Jimin's lowest numbers lmao

Before I comment on this I would just like it to be known; I AM NOT A V ANTI!!!!!

This isn't a disclaimer. I am only stating this because of the asks I've go10 shitting on him. I will not be posting those. I don't blame anyone but myself. I know I have allowed people to vent about him here before and I was definitely among the people getting pissed at the JK name dropping but I'm pretty chill these days. So V's antics don't bother me and also there is something about binging all that Layover content continously that just reminds you that V is not the monster people paint him out to be.

If you haven't had the time i recommend this video. It was my favourite and I quite enjoyed it.

He is funny and honestly I also wanna say adorable 😂😂

Sure, the way he treats those around him could use some adjustment. But those around him seem to love him just fine so who I'm I to be mad at him, you know?

Now that that's out of the way, let's indeed talk numbers. I've said multiple times the 2 most popular members are Jimin and JK. Not V and JK. We've seen this before but sure, let's revisit the topic.

So a friend of mine who quite enjoys keeping tabs on numbers did the following math:

September 9th Streams, Thailand percentage compared to overall Streams:

Seven: 17,6 %

Slow Dancing: 29,6 %

Like Crazy: 8,7 %

So this is the amount of Streams Thailand had for the Maknae line Main Tracks on September 9th, Compared to worldwide Streams.

😁

Maknae Line, Main Track Streams Debut Day. Global vs USA vs Thailand

Debut Streams "Seven":

Global: 15,99 M

USA: 2,064 M (12,9 %)

Thailand: 1,3 M (8,13 %)

*

Debut Streams "Like Crazy":

Global: 6,6 M

USA: 0.997 M (15,1 %)

Thailand: 0,165 M (7,5 %)

*

Debut Streams "Slow Dancing":

Global: 6,14 M

USA: 0,388 M (6,3 %)

Thailand: 0,970 M (15,8 %)

These are the Streams for each Main Track's Debut Day. Global vs US vs Thailand

In conclusion:

-USA and Thailand looooooove JK. BUT Seven is charting in 71 out of 72 (wow) eligble Spotify countries. So it's a bob and a hit globally.

-USA loooooooooves Jimin. Thailand, not so much 😬

-Thailand absolutely looooooves V. USA, not so much.

But we kinda already knew this no? Alot of vermin are in Thailand, Vietnam and Philippines, etc. SouthEastAsian is Taekook domain statistically speaking. But the thing is, its still mostly V they prioritize. SEVEN experienced global success coz JK appears to be a fan favourite everywhere. So that helps him even when the SouthEastAsians decide to mostly support V.

So assuming these calculations are correct, which they should be since they are from Spotify Global, (feel free to go do your own) I really don't understand how it was concluded V is the most popular member. And there is many more countries to choose from, my friend only used Thailand coz its one of the countries that stream the most.

People assuming V is the most popular coz of his followers on IG, Guys, Instagram is only one app. V solos n V biased Armys can convince themselves that he's the most popular but numbers do not lie. Chapter 2 has shown that that, is not the case at all. I mean if you've been on twitter you've seen V hasn't even been able to beat Suga in certain categories and records. Like anon said.

The purpose of my post is not to say V isn't liked. That would be a lie. I'm just saying if anything JK is the most popular BTS member. And that's on fax 💯💯💯💯 with Jimin being a very, very, close second. And I know by saying this I am beating a dead horse atp but if Jimin had go10 the push JK did they would either be head to head or he would have surpassed him. So imagine what a big deal it is, that Jimin is doing so well right now and he didn't even get that huge company support.

US album sales were 3K according to Billboard, thats like 30k singles. China did 800k 😱 Asia loves V. US however, which is where it counts for Billboard, do not. Billboard sabotaged all Asians after Jimin won, which means if JK hadn't go10 radio play he never would have won. So, without radio play, V was never going to get that number 1. Those who aren't dillusional already knew this. So we aren't surprised

[covetedbrother]

most days i’m like “yeah i’m pretty over my ‘sam is me i’m him we are the same and he’s also my bbg my son and my dad’ phase” and then i see one (1) bad take about him and i genuinely get murderous and i’m like “ah. nevermind”

what the fuck has he ever done????

(insane samgirl ramblings under the cut bc i’m losing my fucking mind)

if you’re mad at sam for starting the apocalypse: you’re telling me that if you were dealing with the effects of dying, watching your brother die, addiction, and actively being manipulated by your DEALER and also genuinely operating under the belief that that killing a demon would be a good thing, that you wouldn’t have killed that demon?

this bothers me especially bc sam broke seal 66. because he thought it would prevent the apocalypse. dean broke the first seal. because he tortured ppl in hell!!!!!

leaving for college: imagine getting mad at an 18 year old for leaving to go to stanford on a full ride scholarship. he did that in a “household” where he never lived in the same place for more than 6 months. ever. and his only family members thought it was emasculating to do well in school.

“choosing ruby over dean”: hey. hey. look at me. imagine the person you love most in the world. that you have a toxic codependent relationship with to the point of literally getting murderous if you are separated by more than a room without your choice. you’ve known each other for forever. you’ve killed for him. he’s your brother. you have spent a full year trying to figure out how to save his life. now imagine watching him die knowing he did it to save you. and you can’t get him back. now you are actively suicidal and someone comes along and acts almost just like him and offers you this thing that gives you the power to kill the things that killed him. this person says that you have the power to stop a horrible thing from happening. you believe her. and then your brother comes back from the dead and he’s. different. he doesn’t trust you anymore. and the person who gave you power tells you that it’s because he’s being lied to and manipulated to start the tragedy you are bent on preventing. so you’re hurt and scared and trying to save the world so, just this once, you choose to work with someone other than him.

the shit that happened in s8: again. same scenario as above but now you’ve both killed and died for each other multiple times. you’ve endured over centuries of torture by the devil himself and have just started recovering from the hallucinations that you had of the literal devil torturing you and telling you that you can never feel happy bc this is just another way of torturing you. making you feel happy for a moment only to bring you back and hurt you. then your brother disappears into a pile of black goo in front of you. you have no idea how or why. you do months of research and come up with exactly nothing. life without him isn’t worth living. you’re about to drive your car off a bridge. the car you grew up with him in, the one you both engraved your initials into when you were 8 and 10. with the legos shoved into the vents that you’ve never been able to take out. you’re not paying attention so you hit a dog. shit. he doesn’t deserve to die. not like you. you take him to the vet. his medical bills need to be covered by someone. it can only be you. the vet there treats you like you deserve to live, to be loved. you fall for her. you move in together and adopt the dog you hit. maybe,,,, just maybe,,, you can be happy.

and then your brother comes back. and he’s best friends with a vampire… the vampire’s name sounds like yours.

and your brother is mad at you. then your girlfriend discovers the husband she thought was dead is alive. your brother wanted you to break up with her anyways. you’d do anything for him. always. he doesn’t forgive you. it’s what you deserve.

you take on the trials of hell to try and do something right. it’s actively killing you. every day you wake up and cough lungfuls of blood into the sink. it’s fine. these trials will probably kill you, but it’ll be ok. you’re finally doing something right. the final trial requires you to confess your greatest sins in a church. you spend hours there, and the biggest sin you confess is disobeying your brother. you confess the times you’ve let him down. you’re clean now. you’re ready to die, ready to stop any demon from ever coming to earth again. and your brother calls you an idiot and stops you because he doesn’t want to watch you die. but by now, your body is going to die with or without completing the trials. your brother coerces you into being possessed without your knowledge for a year in order to keep you alive. the thing possessing you kills your friend. your brother blames you for it. it’s fine. he cares. you know he does. he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t care.

it never. ends. THERE ARE FIFTEEN FUCKING SEASONS OF THIS SHIT

ARE YOU MAD AT HIM FOR TRYING TO GET DEAN TO NOT BE AN ALCOHOLIC? TO EAT BETTER?

MAYBE YOU’RE MAD AT HIM FOR THINKING THAT THE PERSON WHO MADE FUN OF YOU FOR DOING WELL IN SCHOOL WOULDNT KNOW WHO VONNEGUT IS?

FOR NOT FALLING TO HIS KNEES AND WORSHIPPING DEAN EVERY TIME HE ENTERS THE ROOM?

are you mad at him for forgiving his father?

maybe you’re mad because dean had bad things happen to him that didn’t happen to sam.

are you mad at the man who got into stanford on a full ride scholarship and was about to get into law school before he dropped out for thinking of himself as smart?

i think they’re mad at him bc he’s not a perfect brother who gives into dean’s codependent tendencies 100% of the time. dean has a codependent personality, and sam has a rebellious streak of independence a mile wide. his rebellion just looked like choosing school over hunting, or studying over weapon training, or reading over sparring. not that he didn’t also do those things, he just also did other things.

[baileythebean]

Vent below the cut so HUUUUGE trigger warning.

So usually I vent in my dad’s (Anomaly’s) DMs because he’s great at comforting me, but Im too pissed for this right now and I dont want to bother him. I swear I am so fucking close to actually killing myself, it’s scary.

My mom has an aversion to me ever binding. I am transmasc (FtM), and I am out to my parents. My mom claims to be a “good”, “supportive” mom, and I do occasionally have moments where I’m like “oh yeah, she’s making progress, she’s learning! :)” and then it’s always fucking ruined by saying things like “well Bailey is your nickname, your name is [deadname].” - “well you’re still biologically female.” - lots of bullshit little jabs at me whenever I ACTUALLY get brave enough to talk about my identity, which is rarely. Unfortunately, any chances of me getting a binder were ruined when I just asked her flat-out. I said it was for cosplay, just to play it safe, and it was still a hard no because “It destroys your body!” - “You wont develop properly!” - “You’ll regret it!” Along with several long rants about ALL the research she’s done, (probably barely any, and it was most likely on social media) and all the stories she’s heard about people who regretted surgery or just transitioning in general and had lawsuits for them, which is like, very low. The regret rate for transitioning is in the DECIMALS and yet she refuses to acknowledge that. We also have a history with suicide, as that’s how my dad left us, and yet she either hasn’t seen or doesnt care about trans suicide rates BECAUSE of being denied affirming care or harassment?? Anyways, here’s where my shit show of a story starts. I managed to get by fine with layering sports bras for a while and just not wearing anything tight-fitting. I figured she’d warm up to it eventually. But recently, I got a new cosplay (Venti from Genshin Impact) which involves a corset, and even if I layer or adjust the shirt, makes my chest look very weird if I dont bind. I started feeling more dysphoria than ever in my life and made a plan to get a binder before my first time wearing the costume. Said plan succeeded, and I had my friend get me the right sized binder at a birthday party one day through a queer kids program that offered them for free. I was so happy and started wearing it to get used to it and break it in since that day. Unfortunately, today I made the mistake of leaving it on my bed visibly.

My mom also has a terrible habit of going into my room and my spaces to clean, even though I usually do it myself anyway, and I LITERALLY FUCKING TELL HER NOT TO EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I dont want her touching my stuff EVER, not just when I’m trying to keep something from her. I told her to stop and she kept picking up trash, and she spotted it. She questioned me about it, and I caved, telling her what it is, how its been considered medically safe, and reciting like, ALL the safety instructions from the top of my head, hoping it would give me a chance at keeping it. I failed. I got yelled at for destroying my body, ETC ETC. finally, she says that she needs to keep my binder in her room so she can make sure I ONLY use it for cosplay and I’m pretty sure she’ll check if I’m wearing it every day.

Then this bitch PUTS MY BINDER ON and tells me it’s too tight. First, it’s supposed to be. Second, THATS NOT YOUR SIZE. I’m sobbing my eyes out right now, and the only thing keeping me alive is my boyfriend, and a literal fictional character. I want to tear my flesh from my bones when she tells me that puberty sucks for everyone, and she doesnt get the fact that it’s a million times worse for me because I’M A BOY. I’ll be lucky if I make it to the end of the year. I’m just done. I want it to be over. Someone come and end it for me, please. I cant take any more.

[evergreenalice]

I want to cry

I hate myself so much

I can't sleep and literally nobody but me is at fault

I am bothered by fuck all, and make it everyones problem

I just want to sleep, but the moment I lay down my heartate fucking jumps, beats fast as fuck,, I want to rip it ouut. all because I'm insecure about shit that doesn't matter, shit that doesn't impact me AY FUCKING ALL

I am forced to suffer, and then know that this suffering has been brought unto me by nobody by my own fucking selfishness

my anxiety meds are doing fuck all for this feeling

I can't even explain the origin of what bothers me, insecurity? Pure selfishness? Fuck if I know but my heart has felt heavy as hell for days now

I need to learn to live with this

I can, I have to

But I feel horrible

And I have to wonder if this is how I'll feel forever now

Every day this

I don't even know why I'm screaming into the void as if this will help

I don't know if it will

I doubt it will

but I don't know what else to do

I might puke

I'm constantly jumping between being upset at nothing, and then haying myself for being selfish, even if just mentally

it's illogical I know

all of this is

I'm being illogical with every word I say right now, and I hate it and want to cry

sorry for the vent

I'll be alright

I just am currently not

but I'll get used to what's bothering me

given enough time that will be true

there is no good solution outside of thay

but I don't entirely feel comfortable talking with my therapist about it, perhaps at somepoint

But not yet

and I think I needed a void to scream in at least a little

[brokensenseofhumor]

The controversial post that I mentioned on my birthday (aka Tuesday, this post is going up on either Thursday 11pm or Friday asscrack of dawn)

The purpose of this post is to clarify a variety of things just in case I go missing Friday afternoon, but due to certain events on my birthday it turned into an exposé + vent post. Even with such circumstances, I hope you can take away some knowledge about me and other people from this post.

WARNINGS: Private matters that have already been dealt with either a few days or even months ago that I’m needlessly bringing to light, mentions of death threats, and lost of fucked up shit in general.

Saii (@/monochrome-cropcrown) dismissed a really violent meltdown I had the day before my birthday and tried using her visit to the hospital as an excuse for not giving a fuck or even bothering to read not even 1 message from the 1 hour worth of distressed and downright concerning messages I had spammed her with an hour and a half ago. We got into a screaming match and she blocked me, but a few hours later she unblocked me, and started harassing me with messages basically victim blaming me for not being god and being unable to control my emotions, then blocked me again before I even had a chance to respond. Here is evidence:

That being said, I also have to take accountability for the horrible shit i said during my mental breakdown. I admit I made threats of physical violence against Fukui Takumi, wishing he’d slip down his stairs and bash his head into a wall, and I apologize for that. I was far too wrapped up in my emotions to realize I was saying overall horrible things aimed at someone that doesn’t even know who I am, and I apologize deeply for that. I’ll try to find better coping mechanisms to avoid this type of situation next chapter drop.

@/huntersmoon1 traumadumped on me multiple times despite me clarifying that I’m a neurodivergent and seriously mentally ill teenager just as many times, and she’s a grown woman in her late 20’s/early 30s that should be getting a therapist instead of telling some mentally unstable minor on the internet about her family’s problems. She also infodumped to me about useless things, even after I have told her I am not intrested in the slightest about anything she’s telling me about. She blocked me after I complained about another one of these needless infodumps, unblocked me after Mina’s exposure, we both mutually apologized for our mistakes, and she proceeded to block me again.

Shortly after Mina’s exposure as a groomer, @/praisethesuuun made a post saying that I shouldn’t be on the internet just because I have BPD symptoms and I’m also a minor.

My mom neglects me and verbally abuses me and my dad is a creep that always disrespects my boundaries, has tried to SA me when I was around 7-9, and this week he stole the conditioner my mom bought for me (after refusing to buy me a new one for the past 3 weeks).

The verbal abuse from my mom started when I was around 5-6 years old.

My mom also held off on buying me toothpaste for 4 weeks, and I was stuck using probably expired toothpaste for over a month.

My school feels more like a North Korean labor camp rather than a school. My homeroom teacher is a bitch, as of the time im writing this post she has threatened to smell each and every student’s ARMPITS (With the most psychotic smile on her face, too) MULTIPLE TIMES. The school’s practices are no better either. Oh what’s that? You didn’t do this easily forgettable and completely useless and unnecessary homework? Oh I’m so sorry, your exam score is an automatic 0 now. Most teachers are so strict that I almost developed a crush one the one teacher that was actually cool.

ALL HAIL KENDRICK LAMAR 🙇🙇🙇🙇

Tags: @aresarmyblog @rukia-writes @amphitriteswife @micah-drew @mizz-sea-nymph @miyahsart @cherry-froese @riseofamoonycake @incorrect-record-of-ragnarok @itz-hellenz @swallowtail-lotus @the-gentlemen-jack @sibchatactics @onecantsimply

[cowboy-robooty]

no guys see robooty itager is the slowest burn fucking imaginable. because i think that 1) italy would have to initiate them dating since germany thinks hes rejected forever after buon san valentino (my boy loves one sided crush) and 2) if they dont slow burn theyll crash and explode. because i think italy takes forever to realize he genuinely really fucking love germany and ONLY loves him and is willing to be loyal 'n treat him well to have him. Since i think italy isnt the type to really love ever since his kindergarten crush so he takes forever to recognize what he feels is genuine love (plus his love is born from a sense of entitlement but thats a whole 'nother enchilada). but yeah and because they take forever and are fully developed in their feelings when they date things are happy happy sunshine swag peace and love ❤️ they do stupid shit as bros the only difference now is they make out sometimes and japan cries himself to sleep everyday ^_^

but in a world where somehow they started dating BEFORE italy completely sorts out his feelings then OHHHH MY GOD. HELLWORLD. LITERAL HELLWORLD. because italy would totally cheat on germany and germanys heart would have youtube poop glass shattering effect explosion and italy would be #unloyal and #mean #scumgong and he would break up with germany for being so clingy and upset about him breaking his heart everyday or germany would break up with italy because everyone in his entire life (2 people: japan and prussia) is telling him that he needs to because italys making him chew glass (they take like 6 years to convince him and have to resort to saying its for italys own good if he breaks up with him). and then when they break up germany would hashtag die and explode because he obviously still loves italy but hes held back by prussia to not come back to him and tries to satiate his autistic brain by thinking "he was mean to me and told me to leave. im sorry ill leave now sorry for bothering you" and he also doesnt feel close to anybody except italy and has to go "brother....... i am.... not feeling good right now........" and cant say much else bc WE SAW IN THE ANIME GERMANY WANTED TO VENT ABT ITALY AND REALIZED HE HAS NOBODY BC HE ONLY IS CLOSE ENOUGH IN THAT WAY TO ITALY. and then cut to italy and hes partying it up because hes pissed off at germany for being on his ass hardcore every single day for the past god knows how long (hate my wife syndrome) until a while later the partying slows down and he has a bunch of moments where he thinks "well usually right now germany would do [thing]" and that builds up until he is hit with the full realization that germany is not going to stay by his side anymore. because hes run away now and hes never ever coming back. and that realization is like the evil version of italy realizing that he loves germany and wants him to ALWAYS be by his side; so much so that hes willing to do what it takes and compromise and be loyal n shit to make that happen. and now italy is freaking out because he doesnt feel this urge ever and now hes already fumbled the dude hes fr in gays with. but this realization is evil because its under a sense of panic and shit so its also motivated by italy feeling a sense of entitlement to having germany by his side and like HES SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

and from there italy would get back together with germany either easily bc he would just ask and say sorry and germany would go "well to be fair I should have been better as well. yes we should try again i want to too, i will try my best to not fail you this time." or it would be hard because germany would have his mind made up (with prussias support and urging and shit) to be like no italy we arent good for eachother and i cant (shouldnt) forgive you for doing those things to me and italy would be like Oh. and chew glass and freak the fuck out until he decides hes going to use #emotional manipulation and sob to everyone about how germany wont take him back and make everyone hate on germany and call him a terrible guy n shit to make germany feel so guilty and think hes an awful person to italy that he takes italy back. but even then their relationship is now fucked up forever because they live in perfect symbiosis thats their entire thing but now they dont because germany now has doubt of italy because of how he went into their relationship before and didnt give a fuck and italy unlocked his evil paranoia because now when he gets scared that germany will leave him he cant be comforted by thinking that would never happen because IT DID. HE WAS SEPERATED FROM HIM IT IS POSSIBLE TO MAKE GERMANY RUN AWAY. and because of that italy gets a lot more freaky about not wanting anyone to like germany so germany wont like them more than him and being emotionally manipulative and possessive and yandere shit because his paranoia is driving him to it. itager is great because it has so much potential to be evil like italy could emotionally manipulate germany so hard and all that shit but it would never happen because germany is so loyal and obsessed with italy that he never makes italy feel paranoid and like he has to. theyre like imagine if someone who has potential yandere gene in them dated a person who loved them more than anything in the entire universe and bends to their every will and never even glances at another person. that yandere gene is never getting activated bruh and at most manifests when italys like WAHHHH GERMANY YOU WONT LIKE RUSSIA MORE THAN ME RIGHT?? WHY DONT I HAVE THE MOST GERMAN TOURISTS IN THE WORLD WTF IS THERE SOMETHING ABOUT ME I NEED TO CHANGE????? but in the world where they rush things they break up and it disrupts all this homeostasis and makes them a little evil afterwards because italy has excessive paranoia that cant be quenched and germany has autism doubt because "he betrayed me once...... so hell probably betray me again *cries*"

[implausiblyjosh]

I made a post a couple days ago about the Quinton Reviews situation. I'm deleting that post.

In that post, I expressed my emotional response and thought process as to why I saw vague posting from Lady Emily and Sarah Z as fucked up, and how it seems like people are vaguely alluding to Quinton being creepy without providing anything other than vibes and a handful of awkward DMs posted publicly on twitter in early 2021. In my mind, here's two people who I have seen with my own eyes have a history of spinning a narrative in bad faith, sometimes in the face of clear contradictory evidence, and one of whom has a negative history with the person in question. Since it was all vague posting, there are no specifics. There was just a pattern of history to go off of, and it looked clearly bad to me. I expressed that sentiment on here, and clarified questions and points people had when the post started getting traction.

Yesterday, Sarah Z saw it and reblogged it to her followers with clarification that her vague post was actually about Colleen Ballinger. Since then, she and others have suggested or demanded that I delete the post because it's misinformation, that I shouldn't have made a call out post for something I didn't have the full picture of, that I should have just asked her what was up, and that I was aiming to make a viral post.

The post was never a call out post. I was, very clearly, expressing frustration at something that was bothering me with public vague posts I was seeing. There was no call to action, I wasn't warning people about anyone, I was simply saying "this shit sucks!" about what I was seeing online. If that's your definition of a call out post... I'm not sure what to tell you.

I also do not really understand the "you should have just asked me" line. Not only because all lines of personal messaging to you were closed off, but why would I try and ask about a vague posting, seemingly vent post, wherein you say it's a red flag to vent to your audience because it leads to bad things. On top of that, I really don't need to reach out for comment, I'm not a journalist. I'm venting frustrations with public vague posts.

I'd also like to say that the angle that I was intentionally trying to make a viral post is silly at best. My initial post had no tags on it, and I cannot control what posts of mine speak to people. I'm also not sure if ~2k notes (at the time Sarah Z brought up the viral angle) is really viral, but I don't think I've ever had a post crack 200 before this weekend. Feel free to correct me on that. Additionally, you reblogged this to your audience instead of messaging me. All my lines of messaging on here are open, and it wouldn't have spread as far if you didn't reblog me.

I do not think my read of the vague posts were out of line. I laid out my reasons to think that Sarah Z is someone who spins a narrative, sometimes in the face of clear contradictory evidence, in her published work. I've also seen a pattern of making digs at him, on top of the posting of the DM from him. I simply do not trust her in this instance, and seeing it all line up just so made it seem like it was a dig at him. And while she's saying that I'm wrong, and that the post wasn't about him, she's still implying he's a creep in that clarifying post. So while she says I'm wrong about the vague post, my "seems like people are calling him a creep based on vibes and awkward DMs" point seemingly still stands.

At the end of the day, I wanted to vent on here about something that was bugging me. I didn't wanna dance around my specific points, so I was specific in what bothered me. I do not think I was as clear as I could have been in what my specific issues were, and for that I'm sorry. If/When I make criticisms in the future I will be sure to be as clear as I possibly can be.

The post is now gone, and I'll leave this pinned on my account for awhile.

[tireddovahkiin]

CW: VENT POST!!! mentions of depression/indirect mention of suicidal thoughts/unhealthy coping mechanisms

Y'all I've come to a conclusion that seeing self ship doubles MAKES ME MORE SAD THAN SEEING CANON X CANON SHIPS-

Like bc- they actually dont bother me THAT much, I think of them more like a 'alternative cursed universe where there could always be a posibillity for crazy stuff' ship. Yk, like, how there COULD be an alternative universe out there where every president of a country have to wear a maid dress or something idfk-

the world is vast and we don't know SHIT about it

BUT THE FUCKING- ... DOUBLES...

It actually really really breaks my heart... Almost like I'm watching a "thief" take away my most valuable treasure, yk... No offense to any doubles out there, you're valid, and you're no thief, you cannot choose who you love.

But I dunno... I also am very scared of "shadowbanning" in the self ship community... Like VERY scared.

With "shadowbanning" I mean, there being some bigger, more popular users on social media who are famous for being the (character's) spouse. The character we both self ship with. But of course, the popular one is going to gain much more attention and interactions because they have been self shipping for longer time, or their art/ s/is are very popular and likeable.

So, if I tried to break the ice through and consider myself the (character's) spouse, and share my self ship stuff on the platforms, I would be DOUBLE IGNORED, and FORGOTTEN above all.

And I cannot have the same mindset with the canon x canon ships, because I know that person DOES exist in real life. And that they the character much longer than me... And have merch... And celebrate anniversaries... And treat the relationship as a real one.

It's literally like a war... where the more 'loved' one wins.

Don't get me wrong. I ALSO want to do that form my own f/os. I WANT to build the a shrine, I WANT to treat my ship serious, I WANT to draw us, and to gather merch, I WANT to love my f/os as much as I feel love for them.

But sometimes, people are not able to fulfill their needs because of the situation/environment they're in.

For example, they could either be financially unstable, the country they live in has no 'merch' of the said media, the family is unsupportive and abusive, or just... Be VERY busy with life in general. Not being able to give attention to even the smallest things, like stuff they love to do in free time, let alone their beloved f/o.

.. I myself am in that situation. My country is poor, I am about to enter university, I am still healing from my past traumas/trying to get better and fight off the problems on my own, even if it is VERY difficult, and no one understands. I should already work and have a job, have MY money, ACT like an adult should, and become independent. But I am not. I was emotionally scarred, which left big impact on my (concerning) social, (terrifying) future, and (nonexistent) work life.

I basically depend off my parents, and know absolutely nothing in general, like- I feel hopeless, dissapointed. Scared above all. Because I think a part of me is still not ready to move on and grow up, and I already did.

So, if I cannot take care of MYSELF, how can I take care of the sacred relationship me and my f/os have, love I feel for them? The attention I oh so, DESPARATELY want to give them, yet I don't even give attention to my life, and try to hide away from everything? How can I even think about them if I cannot think about anything else?

... I dunno. I'm just... I just sometimes think I am underserving of such recognition, and to be called the (character's) lover/friend/family. Because, not do I "ignore" us, but I ignore my life, too.

With ignore, I mean, I TRY to survive every single day as the best I can. Get over it, then repeat again. For quite some time now. Cope with "stress" (when there IS NO actual stress) with unhealthy maladaptive daydreaming methods and isolation. And the stress is just... Life, in general.

Being a depression survivor is hard, because you're supposed to find a purpose for yourself, when you didn't even PICTURE yourself being THIS far. Keep going, while you're actually still somewhat struggling to find the path, and will to continue.

You isolate yourself from the world in your mind, your safe, comfort zone. Where anything good can happen, there's no stress, no duties, adultery, no work. You ghost people, avoid everyone and everything, stay in your home, and LITERALLY survive the day to the best of your abillity. Try to avoid thinking about ANYTHING else but you, your f/os, your perfect little world. You struggle with most simple things like getting up, eating the right ammount, doing things you like, taking care of yourself, but you're supposed to be an ADULT. To already KNOW how to take care of yourself, because FAR more worse things are waiting for you out there.

I love my f/os. But I don't love myself, what I have become. And that is what makes me worried the most. I cannot become what I want if I already act this terrible.

[emotionally-intuitive-engineer]

Hey…I don’t know where to begin with this…I feel like I’m being a bother, but someone I thought was supposed to be my father lied to me and betrayed my trust, I have a dog but me and my mother had to leave him and go live in an apartment, we had to leave her with him since she was to hyperactive to take and be in an apartment, she died to months ago, my dog I had since I was 9 died at age 7, and he didn’t tell me, how she died I’m not sure nor do I want to know since the information could destroy me mentally, I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, he’s been spamming my phone and freaking out because I’m choosing to ignore him, he’s done nothing but bring me pain, there’s something wrong with that man….he doesn’t know that I know about my dog dying by his hands and I feel partially guilty by my choice to ignore him since my mom has to go deal with him now…there’s so much going on right now I feel drained and empty

Hi anon, this is the mod of @emotionally-clumsy-soldier filling in for Ro (the mod of this blog). I'm really sorry you're going through this, but this is an account Ro runs for fun. When they started this account I imagine they were hoping they could just provide some gentle comfort to people having a little bit of a rough time. But at the end of the day, Ro is a minor, you are a complete stranger, and there seems to be a pattern of people (or god forbid, the same person, like I think it is) continuously pushing the boundaries of the amount of support they are willing to provide.

I don't know who you are. Ro doesn't know who you are. It's not okay for you to abuse that anonymity to force them into a situation where they are pushed into acting as your only line of support. This blog was supposed to be fun and now I am recieving dms from Ro asking me what to do about them because it's just too much. Ro loves to help people whenever they can but at what point does it become their only purpose? At what point does Engie's mod stop becoming a person and start becoming a vent mailbox without will?

Ro won't be accepting anons like this anymore. They will be deleted. It's taking a toll on their mental health and I personally refuse to enable this kind of behavior for the other minors that run blogs like this. This is simply not okay. Do better.

Put less nicely; cut the shit and have the self awareness to realize that you're speaking to a real regular person and not Engineer tf2. Get into therapy or use character.ai. Ro is not here to fill in for your lack of therapy. Stop mistreating rp blog admins. PERIOD.