#vape and weed and cigarette smoke. i love it all. how you walk and pass by many different kinds of parties. the light displays

[bredforloyalty]

honestly every time I'm like i will be chasing that high for the rest of my life

[matchacloudz]

Finally Free

“It’s okay, I’m right here”

Bradley Simpson x fem!reader

Rating: PG-13

word count: 2.3K

Trigger warning: Drug use (heavily mentioned)

A/N: I was heavily inspired by the 2015 movie ‘Perfect High,’ it’s sort of intense but I recommend watching it – even if the writing is a little cringy like mine lol

I don’t know if when we first met, it was fate or an accident.

It was late night; the party inside was getting too much for me to handle and I had decided to have a breath of fresh air. Everyone was smoking, I’m no stranger, hell sometimes I even supply. We had weed, cigarettes, even some other questionable substances. I didn’t know what was being passed around anymore, I was taking hits left and right, but I was reaching my limit, my current high not going away anytime soon.

When I had opened the door, I accidentally pushed someone forward, immediately I went to apologize, but his deep brown eyes were pulling me into a cloudy trance.

It felt as if I was swimming underwater, and he was there leading me through the waves. Some would say, that was love at first sight, but I knew better than that.

“Hey, are you alright?” He asked, placing a hand on my shoulder to keep me from swaying. His touch was comforting, something different; but something that I liked. I smiled at this unidentified boy and leaned into his touch, his other hand moving to my waist, helping me keep my balance. “Her pupils are huge dude; I’ll get some water” another voice said. I raised my hand to salute the voice and leaned forward, losing balance all together – but the first boy was still there. “How high are you?” He asked, but it was different than what tone I was used to. I guess I took too long to answer as the hand on my waist led me to the closet chair, but I had other plans. “Let’s go swimming! Come on the weather is perfect!” I suggested, pulling his hand with me.

The unnamed boy followed me but stopped before I could jump in. “Let’s just sit, yeah? Want to get to know you some” he said, pulling me down; allowing me to still dangle my feet into the heated water. “Do you mind if I smoke? This head rush is killing me” I had asked the question but still proceeded to pull my cigarettes out of my clutch. “Be my guest” he muttered.

“So, what’s your name then?” He asked, sipping whatever he had in his cup. “I’m y/n, but everyone calls me Jelly,” he raised his eyebrow at me, clearly wanting an explanation for the childish nickname, but he was going to have to work for it. “What about you?” “Sorry, should have started with that, I’m Brad.” We sat in silence for a bit, I was lost in my own mind, the high slowly starting to come down and him infatuated with me.

Not soon after, his friend came back, to give Brad the water, and Brad to me. “How are you doing?” He asked as I basically gulped the water down, not realizing how dry my throat really was. “It’s starting to come down, thanks,” I said. “I’ve seen you around here before, can’t really place why,” Brad said, turning from the pool view to me. “Is that why you keep staring at me?” I asked, swinging my legs, feeling the water ripple around my ankles. “Didn’t you use to be on the cheer team?” He asked, avoiding my question. My breath hitched in my throat, I used to. It was the first thing I actually liked about the college we went to.

“I’ve never met you, how do you know that?” I laid down on the pavement surrounding the pool. Looking up at the clear sky. “We’ve gone to the same school for 2 years now y/n, I know your name” Brad responded. “What do you want? To tell me off? Ask me what happened? ‘Cause if you are, you can line up with everyone else” I said, collecting my things and walking off.

Over the next few weeks, I went spiraling again. I thought everyone had forgotten what happened. I mean, it was all over social media, I was humiliated.

4 months ago

We were performing at a football game and during one of our stunts, the ball was thrown in our direction, hitting me in the chest – I was pushed, and my bases had missed catching me. I tried catching myself, cradling so I wouldn’t get as much damage, but it led to a dislocated shoulder. After that, I was put on some pretty heavy pain relievers, it was supposed to help manage, but word got around.

I had met my friend, Margot. She saw me in the hallway taking a dose of pills and asked if I could spare one. Until that moment, I had never thought of abusing pills in that way. I was by no means a straight-A student or the star cheerleader. But I had promised my parents that when I went away to college I would take care of myself and never do anything dangerous.

Margot didn’t seem dangerous, she didn’t seem like she would do anything to hurt me. We started taking pills until I ran out of refills, but we always found more. I started hanging out with her friends, I started missing cheer and soon got kicked off the team. I had fallen into a depression, the one thing I enjoyed about college was now gone.

But Margot, Danny, Sean, and the pills were always there. They sympathized with me, they protected me, and soon, they became my crutch.

I haven’t seen any of them around school lately. It wasn’t strange for any of us to go off the grid, whether its something personal or not, but we would always talk. Until, this time. We didn’t – they didn’t. I would try, text, call, Instagram, you name it. I had lost all contact with the 3 people who meant most to me.

I lost everything.

Brad was always there though, he always found me whenever I was alone and he always came to me. We were developing a friendship, but it was hard. He wasn’t a perfect kid either, but he had a good head on his shoulders and would never touch the things I was doing. He sort of became my conscience, trying to help me with what I was going through.

That’s how we ended up here, in my dorm room, him holding my hair back as I threw up after a night of heavy drinking. I had slowly stopped the pills, with the help of a very patient Bradley, he was always there for me – stubbornly staying by my side as the worst of the withdrawals were happening. I had almost started spiraling, but he was always there for me, helping me out of the dark places.  But you can’t stop a habit unless you replace it with something else.  

I started smoking more, but he insisted I had moved to vape – it wasn’t much healthier, but Brad had said it was an improvement. I couldn’t just have that though, it didn’t alter my mind, it didn’t give me the same high I was so desperately craving.

We walked into a party, Bradley’s hand on my waist. Every time he touched me was like the first, but I knew he just wanted to keep me close – monitor what I was drinking tonight. It was sweet and kind that he was looking out for me so much, but I could tell he was getting tired of being sober all the time – just to babysit me.

A few hours in I was tipsy, not the usual drunk, but that’s because my best friend had taken my third bottle away, trying to get me to stop. “Bradley, if you don’t give me that bottle right now, I swear to god” I jokingly threatened, staring at him from across the pong table. “Jelly, you’ve had enough, come on” his voice sounded so tired like he was sick of having this argument. “Brad! I’ve only had two bottles! I can handle a third!” I yelled stepping closer trying to recover my bottle. He moved one arm back, and the other on my stomach keeping me at bay. I reached my arms up to try to grab the bottle again when I saw three people enter the party behind him.

And my heart broke into three pieces.

Bradley saw my eyes dilate, immediately knowing something was wrong. The longer I looked at the people who just entered the door, the more I got furious. Nothing could stop what I was going to do, not even him.

I marched up to Margot, Danny, and Sean – all three of them looking excited to see me. “Jel-“WHACK! The sound of the slap delivered to her cheek was enough to draw attention from everyone around us in this small room. Soon eyes were on us, but I wasn’t done yet.

“Where the fuck have you been” I screamed, tears already pooling in my eyes. Sean pulled Margot out of my reach, checking the damage to her now bruising cheek. “Y/n what the fuck was that?” Danny asked, placing his hands on my shoulders, but I brushed him off, moving to slap him too. He was too fast for me, just like he always has been. “It’s been 7 months! Where the fuck have you been?” I screamed. He opened his mouth to answer but I wasn’t done yet. “I have been waiting, I have been looking for my best friends to show up at school and things would go back to how they were. But you three all dropped off the face of the earth! Not a fucking call or text! No warning!” I yelled, tears freely streaming my face, ruining my makeup.

Bradley came behind me with my things in one hand and grasped my waist in the other. “Y/n let’s go. Come on.” But again, I pushed him off me. I was fuming, my blood boiling and my skin heating. “I have waited. For so long, just hoping for even a sign of life from any of you, and I get nothing.” I stared at my ex-boyfriend in the eyes, pupils dilated and red. He was high.

Shaking my head, I slowly backed away from him. “You’re fucking high, I – I can’t believe this” I whispered the last part before running out the front door and down the street. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to get out of there.

I kept running until I fell to my knees, scraping both and ruining my tights. I couldn’t believe they were there. Part of me was glad, they were alive. But I was heartbroken, I went 7 months without a single word from any of them. The optimistic part of me was hoping they were in rehab and weren’t allowed on their phones, but seeing how big Danny’s pupils were, I knew they left.

Without me.

I didn’t even try to stop the tears from falling down my eyes, I couldn’t stop them even if I tried. I felt like shit, I had sobered up, I knew what had happened. All these thoughts, all these emotions were swirling through my head – I couldn’t help it. I folded over and emptied my stomach.

As I laid there on the cool grass, I felt someone gently lift my head and place it in their lap. “It’s okay Jelly, I’m right here. I won’t leave you.”

At his words I just cried, letting my mascara stain my cheeks. I’ve never felt like this before, not even the withdrawals felt as shitty as this did. I felt as though my heart had physically been removed, ripped in two and placed back in my chest as separate pieces. His hand was soothing my hair, trying his best to comfort me.

Bradley and I laid there until the sun started coming up on the horizon. “Why did this have to happen? Why did they have to come back?” I asked, rubbing the black marks off my face. “I don’t know y/n, I wish I did, wish I could say anything,” he said. “I don’t understand why it had to be me, you know? Things were finally going okay. I stopped what they led me to, I was finally starting to feel better” I said. “I know Jelly, I know. But hey, I’m here, and I won’t leave you. I know what you’ve gone through, it was hell and back, and I guess this is the second wave. But look at you, you stopped doing pills! You’re not drinking as much, and you’re attending school more. You’re doing so much better than when I first met you. You’ve improved so much, you have that. What do those three have?” I smiled at his little inspiration speech. “A bruised cheek” I giggled, earning a smile from Brad.

I leaned into his embrace once more, listening to the sounds around me. The birds were starting to chirp, the warm breeze had picked up and the fountain was trickling. I was at peace, everything that had happened to me was in the past. I felt as though I had finally moved on, and I had Bradley to thank for that.

“You need to give yourself more credit Jelly. You’ve overcome so much; you’ve changed so much and it’s for the better. Words cannot express how proud of you I am” he whispered into my hair. “You’re my guardian angel Bradley. You’re the reason I’ve been doing so well, you’ve never left my side. Please, never leave me.” I held my pinky finger out, Brad shifted and linked his pinky with mine, “never, in a million years” he said, kissing my head.

[canna-base]

Honest Review of the Pax 3 Handheld Portable Vaporizer by a Chronic Pain Patient

As a fairly recent convert to MMJ, it took me almost a year to lose my love affair with rolling a blunt and suffering the noxious smoke to medicate. Trying to subtly partake of much needed sweet leaf relief was a chore, dodging into the alley next to my home and trying to avoid the gaze of curious kids was proving stressful. It was more the image of their dad smoking than the substance itself, of giving them a bad mental image that allowed them to “smoke” was not good parenting. Plus I don’t want to feel like taking herbal medication is something to be ashamed of.

But a whole 12 months past before I got together the resources (saved!) to afford a decent pocket vape. My requirements were;

Discreet

Easy to use

Didn’t look too “druggy”

Did the job efficiently

Had accurate temperature control

I used to be a cigarette smoker, many moons ago but having never ‘vaped’ I was not sure what to expect.  I knew the device had to heat the dry herb to hit the off button on my considerable knee pain and I knew that three light-ish puffs on a ‘joint’ got the job done, albeit with that smokey aftertaste, aroma and fear that a neighbour may smell the err, medication.

So I did some research and decided that a Pax 3 was the ticket, I almost purchased an entry level eBay special but figured that £80+  could be totally wasted (ha!) and I should go with a reputable brand. After reviewing our various recommendations I went and bought a Pax 3 from a local supplier.

Shopping For a Dry Herb Vaporizer

Evapo is a vape shop in Guildford mostly given over to liquid non-MMJ vape-ware, vaporisers, liquids and accessories but there was one cabinet market “CBD” which, given this is the UK, was a subtle clue as to what the cabinet held. The choice was limited to a Pax 2 or a Pax 3. Given that I am an inveterate tech-head I opted for the app controlled Pax 3.

The salesman was a cheerful upbeat sort who talked discreetly but knowledgeably of the features/benefits and what a dry herb vaporizer did. Plus, Evapo had a 15% off deal that weekend which reduced the ticket price from £219.99 to £186.99. Seemed a bit steep for a first time vape purchase, I mean, what if I didn’t like it? What if I didn’t get the relief I am seeking? Hey ho, figured in the name of research it was worth the spend. Five minutes later I exited the proud owner of one spanking brand new Pax 3, and instructions on how to pair it up with the app, more on that in a moment.

Unboxing the Pax 3 Herb Vape

When I got home I opened the box, which is as stylish as the Pax 3 itself, very Apple design led. You slide the box out a sleeve, and it opens with a satisfying resistance provided by hidden magnets. I can see why they get the price they charge.

It contains charger & USB charge cable, cleaning materials (pipe cleaners and pipe brush), a keyring that doubles up as a scraper, an oven like compartment with a holder for concentrates and waxes, a second half-charge oven lid, raised silicon mouthpiece and a stitched material sleeve and of course the device itself. The enclosed documentation is quite slim on any actual operating instructions, but does give you the limited instructions in many different languages. Plus a safety booklet, again, bereft of any instructions but telling you of the many dangers a device like this can inflict.

Once released from its plastic coffin the device is pleasingly heavy in the hand. The heft gives it a solidity, again the comparison to Apple cannot be overstated. It’s solidly built up to a standard not down to a price.

I choose a matt black finish and thus with one click on the top of the mouthpiece, the LEDs stood out like runway landing lights. I set up the device to charge, it already had 3 of the 4 lights lit, and within 20 minutes the remaining light blinked on and we were good to go.

Pairing the Pax 3 With The App

By the time the charge had finished I was ready to pair the Android version of the app with the device and had gotten to the point where you shake it to pair it. Try as I might my Google Pixel 2 XL running Android Pie (9.0) was just not having any of it, tried different settings on the phone and despite the phone stating it was paired, the app itself refused to play ball. I am guessing this is a Android Pie bug, maybe? I had only installed Pie on the phone a few days earlier so I am guessing app bugs are a distinct possibility. Many of the reviews however also noted pairing difficulties, so perhaps not? Later I downloaded the iPhone iOS app onto my iPad and that not only paired without trouble it also controlled the device well.

First Use and Impressions

Anyway, to the first trial, my ‘herb’ was ground and packed into the oven chamber, it took a relatively little amount, I would say half a single skin joint. I thought this seemed like a very minor amount given that the device allowed for several hits on one fill, but I went along with it. Within a couple of minutes I was ready to go, with a fully charged Pax 3 that was now also fully charged with bud I hesitantly hit the ‘on’ button. The device heats quickly 20 – 30 seconds and the flashing purple LEDs turned green notifying me that the Pax 3 was ready to dose me.

I’d opted for the highest heat setting, I just felt that if I was going to try it then I should really give the Pax 3 a run for its money. I took a tentative first pull. The taste was not what I expected, a floral, greenery taste with a slightly timber smoke edge to it, not burning but that kind of smell you get in a wood on a hot day. I guess that’s the oils and the waxes boiling off their terpenes which give the bud its flavour profile. As the flavour died back and I exhaled it suddenly gave me a taste of coffee grinds, not full on coffee in your mouth but that half smell of roasting you get as you walk past a coffee house.

Very pleasant, very smooth and much nicer than a pull on a ‘Fatty-Boom-Batty’. The specific stock I was smoking is not overpoweringly strong, but does do the job for my pain. As an example I can take a single pull on a one-skinner and have it hit the off button on my knee pain for a couple of hours but leave me focused enough to answer calls, write code and function without the distraction of grinding bone on bone action. I took a second tentative pull, and then thought, screw it, and took two much longer, deeper pulls.

The Pax 3 vs Knee Pain

It was Saturday night and I was feeling like kicking back a bit so wasn’t concerned if I overshot the runway when it came to switching off the red flashing pain klaxon. As per usual the hits took time to kick in, with my usual method of ingestion it takes around 10 minutes for the meds to make their way into my brain and do what it does. Oh-so much better than the mechanised approach that codeine seems to take. Wrapping everything in cling film and preventing you from feeling pretty much anything but the ‘ready break’ glow (US readers Google it, you’ll see how accurate that actually is) that Codeine gives you.

I usually then go make a cuppa, and settle into the sofa with my better half and wait for the pain to roll back and relief to roll in. Well, the Pax 3 definitely delivers, I was starting to feel the effects inside the ten minutes, and all was good. Everything suddenly felt very good with the world, in a way that pain seems to rob you of. Pain adds jagged pixelations to your every move, thought and sensation. It’s like you’re dealing with low resolution images and trying to pass them as 4K cinemascope.

Codeine always took away the ‘jaggies’ but delivered a vaseline smeared lens perspective of the world. All soft focused and fuzzy edged, you felt like the world was a bouncy castle made of marshmallow. However the Pax 3, not only delivered the usual relief but somehow it felt less punchy, like the difference between a $20 bottle of bourbon vs $120 bottle of premium single malt scotch. You can see why the Pax 3 gets the reviews it does.

Controlling Dose with My Second Use

Lets just say 30 minutes later as I am lying on the sofa, totally baked, I tried to have a chat with my other half and ended up giggling away as she laughed at me, not with me. I remained quite lucid, but was just very relaxed by the whole body sedation which is not how my current supply usually hits. The effect lasted at least 4 hours, in fact I went to bed and slept soundly, I usually wake early, 6:30 or 7am, woken by the knee pain, but I overshot that by at least 2 hours. Woke feeling fresh although a little fuzzy but coffee and breakfast sorted that for me.

Therefore I wanted to avoid this with my second use, which was much more controlled, after a little bit of reading online. Just 2 short pulls and the device turned down to a less intense heat at 3 LED lights. I think this might be the sweet spot as the effects again took 5-10 mins to become very noticeable but there was much less of a body sedation, in fact I felt a clarity in my thinking and it just neutralised my pain.

Gone.

Not a trace.

Before medicating I would put the pain at a 3 on our pain chart, far from unbearable but definitely ’nagging’ and niggling at me. So the two hits were a good amount to kill the pain but not dull my entire brain. In fact I would now consider a single pull at 3 lights during a working day. Maybe.

Final Impressions and Overall View

I would give the Pax 3, 5 stars, but I have no other benchmark other than self-rolled all-weed blunts, joints and the occasional bong rip. I feel like I did when I upgraded to my first smart phone. Suddenly I had a computer in my hand and felt like I was ahead of the curve. The Pax 3 is very similar, having previously burnt a tube of rolled up dry herb I now have control and can set the temperature to the exact setting I want and get much more measured doses from my choice of pain meds. The only remaining variable of course is the plant material itself.

I suddenly see that devices like the Pax 3 are invaluable in allowing pain patients to get closer to a proper dosing regimen and if they feel like having a little more fun on a Saturday night, then at least it is a choice. That, for me, is what Cannabis should be about, the choice, the choice of your medication, the choice to choose your own safe pain meds. That it is your body and therefore making a choice of herbal remedy vs the output of an industrialised process, is your right.

I wish I had tried a vaporiser earlier, the Pax 3 is a very good product that does the job without fanfare, but does it stylishly and without announcing to the world you partake. The only small downside was that after I had fiddled about with it, trying to get it to sync with my Android phone, and then using it to heat my herb it got a little warm. Not uncomfortably, or dangerously, but it did warm noticeably, which given its function is not unreasonable, but it got a touch warmer than I thought it would. Put that down to user expectations perhaps, but one to consider. I am exploring a silicon sleeve for it, just to make it the perfect portable medical device.

The Pax 3 is a total winner and I am very pleased with the value for money and recommend it to you if you are considering using a vape. If you have pain, don’t leave home without it.

Click Here to Order The Pax 3 

The post Honest Review of the Pax 3 Handheld Portable Vaporizer by a Chronic Pain Patient appeared first on Cannabis for Chronic Pain.

source https://canna-base.com/pax-3-handheld-portable-vaporizer-review/

[psychiccupid]

All the asks.

YES!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

ALL 45 FROM HERE UNDER THE CUT!!!

0: Height? I’m 5′3″ last I checked!! (which was a while ago >w1: Virgin? Helllll no2: Shoe size? 8 1/2!3: Do you smoke? I vape ‘cause I’m cool but I’ve never had a cigarette and I’ve only smoked weed three? times and each time I did it out of a pen and felt nothing lol 4: Do you drink? Occasionally! I love me some rum and vodka! But it’s been a while... mostly a social drinker...5: Do you take drugs? Nope6: Age you get mistaken for? I passed as a teen until college now I just look lie a perpetual 20+ year old lol7: Have tattoos? NO BUT I WANT 5!!!!8: Want any tattoos? OH WHOOPS... I WANT 5!!!!9: Got any piercings? Just my ears! But when my stomach reaches a personal goal size I’m gonna pierce it as a reward! 10: Want any piercings? God dammit... lol... I want a belly button piercing :D11: Best friend? I HAVE LOTS OF BEST FRIENDS!!! @hatgh0st @nicecreamdeer @teslagannon @mentalserendipity AND @puggger BEIN’ MY CLOSEST FRIENDS :’)))))12: Relationship status? I’m dating @puggger but it’s open and poly! 13: Biggest turn ons? Bite. My. Ear! Breathe. On. My. Neck! Shower me with constant adoration and momentarily cure my ever looming existential crisis :> 14: Biggest turn offs? Bigots. Toxic Masculinity. Insulting me or the things I love. 15: Favorite movie? Tie between Tangled and Kimi no Na Wa!16: I’ll love you if? *Coughs* YOU SHOWER ME WITH CONSTANT ADORATION AND MOMENTARILY CURE MY EVER LOOMING EXISTENTIAL CRISIS! And talk to me about Pokemon and Anime ^-^17: Someone you miss? @hatgh0st DDD’‘‘‘: 18: Most traumatic experience? Yo I’m not going into that lololol19: A fact about your personality? I will /always/ act happier than I am so if I’m upset I’m about to lose it.20: What I hate most about myself? “Now, we don’t have time to unpack all of that...” I’m not a huge fan of how I look physically - but absolutely my face and stomach overall. 21: What I love most about myself? I love my personality and how I don’t really give in to society or peer pressure. I love how I refuse to give up my passions and do not really care about material possessions. Not that that’s bad!22: What I want to be when I get older? Anything creative!! But especially a voice actor or a professional cosplayer!!23: My relationship with my sibling(s)? Eh... 24: My relationship with my parent(s)? EH... Like I love both of my parents and my sister... but I need like four months away from them for every week I spend with them y’know?25: My idea of a perfect date? FIRST We go to an aquarium! We spend hours and we both get excited reading about all the different fish!! SECOND we have lunch/dinner by the beach. It’s sushi. We inadvertently hold hands and then dip our toes in the ocean while you compliment my bonnet and matching swim suit. Walking along said beach is a must if there’s time! FINALLY we go to a dive-in movie. Ideally, they’re playing Kimi no Na Wa so I may cry into the pool. You, without really thinking about it, say, under your breath “You are the Takeshi to my Mitsuha” (though if you reverse the names I won’t be upset). We get spontaneous Safeway cheesecake on the way home! (You give me your raspberry piece in exchange for my double chocolate piece). We fuck. Afterwards, I get to sleep as the Big Spoon. I get to wake up and cuddle you.... you said perfect not financially acceptable lolol26: My biggest pet peeves? INDECISIVE PEOPLE. Especially negative people (like, people who know how to make it better but keep complaining... this is mostly about me lol). Boys who don’t know how to play the Question Game.  27: A description of the girl/boy I like? Cares about absolutely everyone. Has the voice of an angel! Wears pigtails and likes dying her hair! Likes to dance and play dress up and dreams of performing for crowds... uh duh... of course I’m talking about Hatsune Miku 28: A description of the person I dislike the most? UhhhhhHHHHH like... I could go broad here and just put Trump but like... I’m trying to think more personal?? Hmm... like I could put my mom too but I don’t dislike her the most? UHHH @ my own anxiety: Tells me the world is a lie and that we’re in a simulation and that I need to wake up. Makes talking to bosses/people above me impossible. Tells me no matter what that I’m doing something wrong and that I’m not good enough. 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend? Didn’t wanna hurt their feelings? The truth was worse than a lie?30: What I hate the most about work/school? Going. Capitalism. I have a degree. 4_ years of retail/food service work under my belt AND I’ve worked at Disney and I still can’t get more than minimum wage. 31: What your last text message says? “Nah I’m ok I just feel bad” yup.32: What words upset me the most? “How can you be gay if you’re dating a boy?” “Ok sure you’re Enby. But why do you still relate to women?” “This is my daughter, Jessica” 33: What words make me feel the best about myself? “Wow! You could make a career out of this!” “This is really good!” “You’re working really hard aren’t you?” “You are smart.” 34: What I find attractive in women? Absolutely everything. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t blow me away. All women are so pretty and talented and so strong and I love them all!35: What I find attractive in men? Anytime they have feminine hair/features I lose my goddamn mind. When they’ve come to accept every part of themselves and are super confident not because that’s what they’re used to but because they really worked for something! When they’re genuine and they get that sparkle in their eye!! 36: Where I would like to live? Anywhere I can be me and creative! Right now it’s looking like Austin, Texas... but LA or Tokyo... LA ‘cause that’s where I feel like I have to go... Tokyo ‘cause that’s where I’ve wanted to go since I was 7 but I don’t know if I could live there...37: One of my insecurities? Everything??? But I’m very insecure about how I look. I have a mighty fear that I do not get far in life because I’m ugly as sin (I’m not but god I think so). 38: My childhood career choice? In order from age: 4: Vet, 11: Lawyer, 14: Software Designer, 16: Gene Specialist/Splicer, 18: Calculus Teacher, 19: Script Writer, 19: Stage Actor, 20: Costumer/Cosplayer/Voice Actor (Not that I haven’t been doing these since I was 16, but I didn’t decide they could be career choices until college) 39: My favorite ice cream flavor? Phish Food, Cookies N Cream, Cookie Dough, Raspberry!40: Who wish I could be? SOMEONE HAPPY. A professional voice actor!41: Where I want to be right now? Hmmm... probably Tokyo? The Pokemon theme park that existed in 2002ish! In a line about to meet Arin Hanson? Back in bed lol? ON THAT DATE I MADE EARLIER!!42: The last thing I ate? Leftover gluten-free pumpkin spice & blueberry pancakes ^w^43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately? HALEY FROM STARDEW VALLEY! ... Audrey from Huniepop... 44: A random fact about anything? I can name 21 digits of pie from memory and I am very talented knowing what a pokemon’s national pokedex number is :’D  

[fraudulence-paradox]

4/22/16

          A few days ago, I was sitting in the spot far away from my dorm, so no one can see my shame, smoking. Not weed or anything exciting. Not even cigarettes, which oddly are more socially acceptable, but vaping. I was out vaping in the woods as I usually did at that hour but there was something different. I had just dumped my girlfriend of almost 3 months. Normally this is an activity that doesn’t even phase me, but for whatever reason, this particular breakup was hitting me much harder than any one before it. In the past, I’ve gotten myself into some pretty long term relationships and broken it off in much the same pattern and felt nothing but relief, but this time was different for some reason. I took a drag on my vape and watched the cloud disappear into the air. As it did, I thought about every relationship I’d been in prior.

          In elementary school, I had had two girlfriends. One in fourth grade, and another in fifth and sixth. I think that I----, the latter one, was the longest relationship I’ve been in to date. That breakup was easier than any other one, as it was because we were going to separate middle schools the next school year, so it was mutual, and more out of convenience than anything. It wasn’t until ninth grade that I became involved with any other girl, but when I finally did, I was crushed hard.

          When I was in 9th grade, M--- called me the "King of the Nerds". He affectionately gave me this title, in his own words, "because, like, you're popular in terms of number of friends, but like, you're not friends with any of the popular people". He was right. I didn't really strive to be cool, in fact I remember doing quite the opposite. It was the peak of my "Hot Topic" faze, one which most people look back on in shame, but honestly, I was kind of okay with it. At least I knew who I was, or at least, who I was pretending to be. Around this time, I was excellent friends with a girl named Kr----. She was a complex individual. Physically, she was exactly what you would picture a 9th grade emo girl to look like. Skinny, raccoon-eyed, short, colored bangs covering gigantic dark eyes. We were friends. Just friends.

          So obviously, I fall into infatuation with her. We text every day, talk about life, the universe, everything. Remembering it now, I still have oxytocin clouding my thoughts. Even now, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if we ever got together. More frequently I wonder how I would have turned out if we never even met.

          The first consequential memory I have of her was on a class trip. We all went for a weekend on a school related outing. While there, nothing of note really occurred, we talked a lot, and hung out together all weekend, but other than just conversation and one piggy-back ride, nothing happened between us all weekend. In fact, I distinctly remember she got another guys number while there, which infuriated me. I was in that delightful, puerile construct known as "The Friend Zone". What that really meant was she didn't like me, and I should have just moved on, but as I have deduced from reading through emails with other people I used to like, I was very, very bad at taking a hint. So the weekend came and went, and honestly, some of my happiest memories were in those school trips we took every year. The way the sun shone on the convention center, the chilly, but not freezing air as the calendar approached winter. These are the things I remember as we walked from the convention center back to the bus that particular year. As luck, or coercion would have it, Kr---- and I got to sit next to each other on the ride back. This was significant because it presented an excellent opportunity for shoulders to rub against each other, and (the best possible case scenario) her head on my shoulder as she fell asleep. That's what I wanted out of the experience. Kr---- wasn't as naive as I, however. I'm not really sure why, because I'm pretty sure she never really was into me in any substantial way, but under her fleece blanket, after the sun had set, and it was too dark to see, we played childish games as an excuse to explore each other's bodies. She let me touch her breasts, (a first for me) and she touched my penis (completely flaccid on account of how new this all was to me). It was my first sexual experience. Why this occurred though, I have no concrete ideas. I do have guesses.

          On her 14th birthday, Kr----’s father left her family. He literally told her it was her fault. From this lack of a father figure, and sense of doing something wrong that she could never again right, she went on a downward, self destructive spiral. She went from a very happy, self-assured girl, to a depressed, empty teenager. She had poor self esteem, which manifested in self destructive behavior. Anorexia, self-mutilation, substance abuse later on. None of them filling the hole in her for long. This poor self esteem, and likely lack of a father, resulted in a long quest for male approval. Preferably worship, which I was happy to give. I saw past all of her glaring red flags, so I told myself. In reality I had tunnel vision, and even worse, I saw what wasn't even there. I saw in her the same thing she saw in me, self esteem. If I could be with her, it meant maybe I wasn't unattractive. If she could continue getting my approval, maybe she could perceive her actions and emotions as normal. Maybe she would no longer be depressed. We both wanted different relationships with each other, for goals that were completely self serving.

          This is what the ninth grade me believed anyway. After a lot of thought, however, i think this is a more accurate description of the events that took place. Four years ago (jesus was it really that long ago?) I had a huge crush on this girl in my high school. She was exactly who you're imagining when I say she was a standard emo girl. Colored hair with long bangs, huge eyes, skinny, overall really attractive. She was also incredibly outgoing, and whether she would agree with me saying so or not, at the very least she was good at pretending to be an extravert. This resulted in a lot of male attention on her, so I went to great lengths to solidify my position as best male friend and even hopefully boyfriend some day. As I remember it, when I was around her I was pretty happy, but when I wasn't I was just depressed until I was again. She brought out the absolute worst in me because I was so obsessed with her. And she knew this. She also didn't feel anything towards me aside from friendship, which I refused to accept. Because I asked her how she felt a lot. I once "officially" asked her out, and her response was at first to dodge it by saying "out where? Mars??", which annoyed me. I should have known that that meant no, but I pushed her to answer for real. She eventually said "maybe", which I remember really pissed me off. To me that was worse than no, because i felt like she was just using me, keeping me in her back pocket in case she ever got desperate enough. Shortly after this whole debacle, my parents discovered that I had been cutting, a habit I admittedly did learn from Kr----, and as a result they made me cut off all contact with her.

          At the time, all I could feel was this contempt for her. I blamed her for not dating me, for making me cut, for making me depressed. I felt like she was the one force behind all that was bad in my life. Eventually, i got over the depression and the cutting and even got a real girlfriend. Things were looking up, and i thought to myself that Kr---- was just some demon. Sent to tempt me into the blackest parts of the human soul. She manipulated me and forced me to be unhappy. This thought makes sense in the mind of a ninth grader, so I just accepted that that was what had happened, and moved on with my life. For years after, if I was ever reminded of earlier that year of high school, or I saw my scars, I would just think "I'm not talking to Kr---- anymore, so everything is fine". Eventually thats all there was. A dark chapter of my life with an obvious antagonist who I had vanquished.

          With maturity and trying to make sense of what happened its becoming more and more clear that Kr---- wasn't evil. No one is, but especially Kr---- isn't. She was just afraid of losing her friend, and I was not a very good friend to begin with. I'd sit up on the phone with her late at night, telling her not to be upset, not to cut that night, that everything would be okay. But why? Certainly not because I truly believed that she would be okay, or that everything would miraculously be okay. If she was okay, why would she bother talking to me? I was some geeky kid. No, I was doing these sorts of things because I believed it would help my odds of going out with her. That if I stayed up with her all night while she cried because her life was genuinely stressful, she would begin to see that I was a good guy, and that she should date me. Furthermore, when I did ask her out and she dodged the question, it wasn't because she was fucking with me, or using me in any way. Since a few years have passed and I can think about her motives more, I think she never directly said she didn't like me because she was afraid if she said she didn't I would just move on to some other girl, and she would lose a friend. And quite honestly, she was probably correct in that assumption. I hung out with her for the sole reason that I believed she would spontaneously fall in love with me some day. She hung out with me because she just genuinely liked me as a person. I never felt that way for her, which even as I'm typing this is such a shitty thing to say about a person who was one of my closest friends for a year of my life, and probably knew the real me better than any other human in the world, just makes me feel awful. To make things worse, when things went to shit with my parents finding out about the cutting, it was easier for them to believe that some outside influence coerced me to do it, rather than the truth which was I did it because it made me feel something instead of nothing. Even I didn't want to believe that I was that far gone, and buried that thought, and covered it with the same one my parents had. And just like that, Kr---- was out of my life for good. Battered and abused by every boyfriend she'd ever had, and now cast out by one of her best friends.  

          I take another drag and think about what I learned from this whole experience. Obviously not much. I wrote that about Kr---- right before I began dating T----. The girl I most recently ruined. Dating T----, I even admitted to myself at the beginning was an experiment. A cruel one, where I sent myself back in time to see what it would have been like to have dated Kr----. T---- is not Kr----. The differences are obvious. While Kr---- is outgoing enough to at least cover the fact that she had low self esteem, T---- didn’t have that urge. T---- is the kind of person to fully embrace her insecurities for better or worse.

          In that relationship, I did what I always do. Get overly attached at the beginning, before I even know the girl, then slowly get less and less interested, until at last I outright hate the person. I told T---- lies that I knew would make her happy. I told her we would be together forever. That we would never in a million years break up, because she was perfect. When I first told her these things, it was because I believed them. Not because they were true, but because the person I ascribed to T---- was perfect, and I never would leave in a million years. Unfortunately, that was not who T---- was. T---- was flawed, as everyone is. She had trouble seeing her short-comings, and as a result blamed others, and she used other people, and didn’t even realize it.

          The best example of this is how she chose to go about doing her 3d modeling final project. She had great difficulty using the program, and her friend, S-- had a computer that couldn’t run the program. She made a deal that S-- could use her computer when he needed to (if it was convenient for her) and she could use S-- to do pieces of her project. What ended up happening was a convoluted web of cheating, where S-- borrowed files from his friend, and in turn, gave those same files to T----. T---- for whatever reason, was brought in by her teacher for questioning about the similarities between her final product and the original students. She claimed innocence and ignorance. She had no idea how the similarities had arose, and said maybe, because her friend was borrowing her computer, she had uploaded his file instead of her own. She knew full well this wasn’t the case, and likely the teacher did as well, but he decided to believe her anyway. When she submitted what she called, “the correct file”, the same file she had previously submitted with some minor edits, and the aid a program she downloaded that allowed her to change the write date, the teacher didn’t buy it a second time. When she was stressed that she would fail the class, as a result of cheating on her final, she refused to take the blame. She didn’t admit, like she had a week before, that she had used a file from another student. She instead virulently held to the story she told the professor, even when I asked about it. The teacher, not wanting to fail her outright, gave her a zero on that particular part of the project grade, and moved on. She learned nothing from the experience, so far as I could tell. Instead of thinking, “what a stupid thing I did, I’ll never cheat again” or even a less mature, but still good conclusion “I should have cheated in a less obvious way”, she opted for the easiest excuse. “The professor really fucked me over. He’s an asshole”.

          It’s not so much the fact that T---- didn’t do the project herself that bothered me, but the fact that she so casually shifted the blame off of herself, and onto someone else. This was extremely telling of her personality. Forced to guess, I would imagine Kr---- would have said something to the effect of, “I really fucked myself”. Not, “The teacher really fucked me”. I think this lack of personal responsibility is really what made me stop liking T----.

          She also casually asked me to do various chores for her. Discounting this document, the majority of words I have typed in this program this semester, have been submitted to one of T----’s professors for grading. It should have been a red flag, when one week in, the night before I had to wake up at seven AM, she became extremely frustrated with me until I came over to write the majority of her five page essay for COMM 101. Foolishly, I went over at midnight anyway, and did, setting an unfortunate precedent for the rest of our relationship. I remember noting, that after I had completed writing, proof reading, and editing almost all of her paper, I never received so much as a “thank you”. I did these things for her so early on, because I was afraid if I didn’t, she would see what an uninteresting person I really am. If I don’t make myself useful, I learned from Kr----, what use would someone have to love me? And so that’s how it started. The incessant labor I did for T---- had no bounds. It started slowly of course. Aside from doing her homework, she would ask me to clean silverware and plates if I had used them that evening. That quickly progressed into cleaning all the silverware and plates each night, because of course that’s when I was there. Each night. If I told her I had to wake up early, or didn’t want to come over, she would be extremely upset. “I can’t sleep without you here”, she said, “I always have nightmares when I sleep alone”. I didn’t want to upset her. And I certainly didn’t want her to have nightmares about her “douche bag ex-boyfriend”, so I stayed. So that’s how it happened. That’s how I went from her boyfriend to her live-in maid.

          As the relationship progressed, I used to look forward to her showering. Of course, that’s when my chores for the evening were assigned, but it meant I’d have the room alone for about an hour.

          “Make sure you clean the forks, and put my laundry in the hamper”, she’d say, grabbing her towel, and walking out the door.

          “Good”, I’d think. “That’s less than usual”. As soon as she walked out, I would speed clean her clothes off the floor, and jet into the bathroom to clean her silverware. In the hight of our relationship, I could do this before I even got 3 minutes into a youtube video. I’d set up my computer, let something play in the background while I cleaned her room, pause it, run to the bathroom and wash her dishes. So it went. When I finally finished these tasks for her I’d sit at her former room-mate’s vacant desk (red flag) and watch youtube. Or I’d surf the internet, or sometimes just masturbate, because there was no other time I would be alone. That was the thing about dating T----. I was never alone anymore. To her, this was fantastic. A bored, lonely girl, broken from past relationships (or so she claimed), craves to have someone to distract them from real life most of the time. I on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. I preferred the company of myself most of the time. Of course, I loved my friends, and I loved being with T----, in moderation, but not having any time to myself was slowly driving me insane, so I grew to really cherish the hour she would leave me alone. I didn’t do much I wouldn’t do with her in the room, just surf the internet and vape. So why was it that as our relationship progressed, I looked forward to her leaving more and more? It’s obvious now that it was because I didn’t really love her, but in my mind, it was just because I valued my alone time.

          To make things worse, she found a way to be intrusive even when I managed to negotiate some nights away. She’d insist that I call her on Skype. This shouldn’t have frustrated me as much as it did, but it did anyway. I couldn’t just be with my friends as late as I wanted. I felt that if I wasn’t in her room, I shouldn’t stay up as late as I normally would when I was with her. If I was still awake past one, I’d feel this dread. That I was somehow letting her down. Of course it’s not healthy to stay up until three AM when I needed to wake up in four hours, but somehow it was different when I was with my friends. At least with them if we’re up that late it’s because were doing something fun, while in T----’s room, I was consistently up that late doing her homework, or, worse, watching her do her work. She said I shouldn’t complain about getting little sleep. For one, because she too was getting little sleep.

          “[fraudulence-paradox], I get just as little sleep as you do”, she said, shortly after waking up at two PM, “I can’t stay asleep, really, I always toss and turn, you know that”. It didn’t seem likely. I wanted to tell her that was false, and I knew because I was there, but it didn’t seem worth it. It’s kind of surprising that I managed to keep my grades up as high as I do really, what with averaging three hours of sleep a night. She would get mad when I complained of little sleep. Because I could apparently go to bed whenever I wanted. That didn’t really seem true though. Despite the simple fact that she would keep the light on until she went to sleep, I also always had to finish just one more thing for her before I was allowed to go to bed. Even when I escaped to my room, the problem persisted. It seemed like no matter when I went to bed, I always ended up waiting until two AM for her to be “ready” to Skype.