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hanayuki23 · 5 years ago

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Of Monsters and Flowers

Part 1

He didn’t even remember how it started.

A moment before he was with Sora, eyes full of him and shoulder against the other’s, and a second later, as he watched him walking away with the promise of a new encounter the next day, Roxas felt a slight tickle in his throat. And he coughed.

At first, Roxas thought that a petal must got stuck to his clothes when… right, when they walked by the flower shop downtown. Sora couldn’t help but stop to have a better view of that little show of colors and smells that the plants didn’t ever get tired of delivering.

He was so beautiful, surrounded by all those flowers, all those colorful plants that looked like they wanted to frame that sweet smile.

Roxas’ heart couldn’t really handle it any longer, and right at that moment he felt his lungs giving up and the intoxicating smell of flowers blurring his mind.

But Sora was right there, with him, and making him worry was the last thing he actually wanted. And then he put that on tiredness.

Roxas smiled fondly to the memory of that afternoon together, and gently caressed the petal he held on the palm, thinking that it actually was Sora’s hand.

Sora, Sora, Sora…

If only he knew, if only Roxas had the courage to…

Another cough, another little yellow petal fell exactly where there was Sora’s hand.

Roxas had already heard about the disease. It didn’t have a precise name, people commonly called it the flower disease, and nobody exactly knew how and when the symptoms of the infection started showing. The only certainty was that if the patient manifested the first symptoms of the disease, then it had to be unrequited love.

Roxas knew that someday it would have happened to him as well.

He figured it out that time, when Sora hugged him and whispered his name, and Roxas came to the conclusion that it wasn’t enough anymore. Being his friend wasn’t enough, being a part of him wasn’t enough.

Roxas loved him, and if it was easy for the boy to admit it, what followed wasn’t that simple.

What right did he have to have feelings? Damn, Roxas was Sora. What were the odds for the others of accepting such a thing? What were the odds for Sora of accepting such a thing?

They knew everything about each other, of course, but both of them came from two totally different worlds. Sora was the light, the hero of the worlds, the one who loved and was loved by everyone, and Roxas was darkness, exactly his counterpart. They were each other’s lacking part.

During his short life, Roxas had always thought he didn’t have a heart, he didn’t even deserve to exist and, although Sora showed him the opposite everyday trying to make him understand in every possible way how grateful he was to be able to know him and be together at last, Roxas felt like his was a lost cause from the beginning.

He wasn’t worthy, like he couldn’t live up to his somebody. Roxas wasn’t a Nobody anymore, but he felt like one.

For this reason, he forced himself to hide everything inside of him. Sora would never have understood anything.

But pretending had never been so hard.

The mere presence of his somebody was enough to make him crazy, just being that close made him wanting to shout to his face what he felt, and he often had to bite his own tongue in order to desist.

His love, as much as Roxas tried, couldn’t be controlled, and if it couldn’t come out with good, it would have found other ways to do it.

That’s why, when Roxas saw the first two petals, he wasn’t actually that surprised.

There were only two ways to put an end to the illness: mutual love or death. And to Roxas just the second option was valid, there was no doubt. Sora wouldn’t ever loved him back, he wouldn’t ever love what was another part of him after all.

When would the disease start to go downhill? How long would it have taken to kill him?

Roxas looked up to the sky, and waited for it to fall down on him.

I will never be worthy, I will never be worthy, I will never be worthy.

Roxas had already died once, dying once more wouldn’t have made any difference.

Few weeks passed since the first symptoms showed up, and the infection was getting worse. Now Roxas coughed entire flowers, the disease didn’t leave him rest, and meeting with Sora became now a torture.

Their meet ups were getting rarer and rarer, and as much as Sora looked for him and asked him out, Roxas would always make up a thousand excuses rather than see him. Rather than be seen in that state.

Last time they saw each other, just the sight of the messy hair that Sora proudly wore, Roxas felt something moving in his chest and making its way up his throat, and sadly for him it wasn’t the heart.

It would have been too easy.

His body bent forward and the boy coughed once, twice, three times, and little yellow flowers filled his hands. Roxas paled and tried to hide them, but it was too late.

No, please. Not now, not-

“Roxas! Are you okay?!”

Sora was immediately by his side, he placed a hand on his shoulder and started massaging his back with the other, soothing him.

“Y-yes I’m fine, it’s okay now.”

As much as the boy tried to seek relief in the other’s gesture, and as much as he was happy for that attention, Roxas’ thoughts kept on going to the flowers he was holding in his hands. But Sora seemed not to have noticed them, or else he would have already started pestering him with questions, and then the boy realized that no one else could see them. Roxas sighed in relief, letting out a few other petals.

At least no one will know what I’m dying for, he thought with bitterness.

But Roxas hated making Sora worry, hated causing him problems, and if the disease wanted to draw him out, then he wouldn’t have seen his somebody ever again.

If he was lucky, he would be dead soon.

Or so he thought. Roxas forgot how stubborn and persistent Sora could be.

“Look, it’s a marigold. Isn’t it cute?” Naminé said, pointing at something in the grass, not too far from them.

Xion was holding her hand, and Roxas was silently walking behind them, with eyes set on their entwined hands and envy eating him, trying not to imagine himself instead of Xion and Sora instead of Naminé.

What was he even doing there? Oh, right, Xion practically forced him into it. She told her friend that some fresh air would help him get better, but Roxas was always thinking about how that situation was doing to him the opposite effect.

The girls got closer to the little flower and Xion bent down to see it up close.

“In some cultures, marigolds are used in wedding celebrations, while in other ones they’re connected to the dead. Love and death together, both represented by a flower so small. It’s funny, isn’t it?” Naminé explained.

Xion kept on contemplating the marigold, thoughtful, and she eventually plucked it. Xion let go of Namine’s hand and got closer to the boy, placing the flower behind Roxas’ ear.

“I don’t know why, but this flower reminds me of you, I think it suits you.”

“And it really looks good on you” Naminé added, giving him a bright smile.

Roxas would have wanted to tell them how right they were, and thought that if that little marigold represented him as his best friend said, then it wasn’t the disease that was killing him, but it was somehow himself.

Now he knew the name of the flower.

Roxas was letting himself die, and at the same time something else was taking his place. All of the thoughts he had been growing for a long time and had been keeping for himself showed up since the illness appeared. The sense of inadequacy, the envy, the feeling of loneliness and loss didn’t leave him be, and the closer Roxas got to death, the more they tried to come out and take shape.

The boy hated himself. When he looked at his own reflection in the mirror, Roxas couldn’t recognize himself anymore, he couldn’t even see Sora. There was another person staring back at him, with a pale and sunken face and dark circles around the eyes: a monster that only Roxas could see.

“Roxas! Naminé made me a portrait! Isn’t it amazing? She’s so talented, I’m sure she’s going to make a great artist!”

Good for her.

“I think I’ll confess to Isa, it’s about time. I have to come up with something and it has to be really cool, so he’ll get it memorized forever.”

Congratulations.

“Hayner, Olette and I are going to graduate next month. We’ll throw a big party and you’ll be our special guest! You can’t miss it!”

How lucky. I don’t even know if I’ll be still alive next month.

“I finally managed to become a Keyblade master! I wish you’d been there, you know…”

I’ll never be enough, I’ll never be enough, I’ll never be-

“And you? What are you up to?” the monster trapped in the mirror, trapped in his mind, asked.

I throw up flowers. Oh, and I’m going to die.

“Roxas, have you seen Vanitas lately, by any chance?” Ventus asked, out of the blue.

Vanitas?

“Since when do you care about him?”

“Don’t be a jerk! You know that now we’ve put everything behind us. It’s just that I haven’t seen him for a while, that’s all.”

Ventus bit down his lip, worried. There was something that he didn’t want to tell him, but Roxas didn’t care.

“No, I haven’t. if I ever see him, I’ll let you know, okay?”

Ventus thanked him, and the two of them got back to talk about trivial things.

When they parted, Roxas took the path to home and, turning into the alley he used to take as a shortcut, he saw a trail of carnations laid one after another and followed it, intrigued.

As he went on, Roxas could swear he heard coughing, and it was getting louder and persistent.

He picked up the pace.

If Roxas was in a tale, that would probably have been the moment in which he would have realized (too late, of course) that he had been lured in a trap and that he was going to end with being killed or eaten by the bad guy, but when Roxas turned the corner, all he saw was Vanitas.

Vanitas sitting on the ground, with the back resting against a dirty wall, as he was coughing a carnation after the other.

And Roxas couldn’t have been any happier and surprised at the same time.

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hanayuki23 · 5 years ago

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Of Monsters and Flowers

Part 2

Who would have thought?

Talking with Vanitas had never been easier, being with him had never been more liberating.

Roxas was able to convince the other, not without effort, that he wasn’t there to pity him, to look down on him or to make fun of him. When Vanitas saw Roxas coughing marigolds, his eyes revealed the same thought that went through Roxas’ mind when he saw him in that alley.

Finally.

The two of them got very comfortable around each other. Roxas hadn’t felt better since that day with Sora at the flower shop, he smiled and joked again, and Vanitas looked better as well.

“Doesn’t it bother you that I look like Ven? If this is hurting you, we could always…”

“You and Ven couldn’t be any different. He’s basically an idiot that can’t make two steps without tripping into nothing, while you think you’re cool, but you’re just edgy as fuck. But trust me, being always angry doesn’t make you look stronger. And if you think I have the same face of that stupid Sora, then just know that I’m going to beat you up before those flowers could kill you.”

If it was coming from Vanitas, then Roxas could even start believing it. About being edgy, too.

The illness kept on degenerating, relentless, and in Vanitas’ case it was even in an advanced stage, but now they weren’t alone anymore, they had now found someone who could understand them, that could share with them all of that pain.

Xion had Naminé, Lea had Isa, and if he couldn’t have Sora, at least Roxas had Vanitas. And no, he didn’t think of his new friend as a replacement of the person he was in love with. His somebody was the impossible love he would never have had, and Vanitas was…Vanitas. He was the one that was the closest to him in his last moments of life.

“I’ve been in love with Ven for more than fifteen years now. The obsession I always had for him and the desire of rejoining him and coming back to be a one single person wasn’t just to forge that damn χ-blade. I was ripped out from his heart all of a sudden, it’s perfectly logical that I want to get back together with him, don’t you think so? Since that moment I’ve been feeling so lost, I haven’t ever stopped looking for him. After all that’s happened with Xehanort, I tried to make it up to him, I tried to be accepted in other ways. But, guess what? When I finally found him, the idiot was sleeping. And then I waited. I’ve been waiting for years for him to wake up, and in the meantime, I ended up in this pathetic state. One day I was there, looking at him sleeping as usual, and I thought that he was beautiful as a flower, a flower that does never wither. Not only I’d never felt more embarrassed as I’ve never been before, but then poof!, another stupid flower magically comes out of my mouth.”

Roxas and Vanitas met up during the night, and now they were lying down on the grass, stargazing. If the morning was for Sora, and the sunset for his friends, the night was for Vanitas.

It was the first time that Roxas heard him talking so much. The boy could feel all the frustration that his new friend felt and was still feeling, a frustration that he knew all too well.

The way their stories matched in some passages was crazy.

“The other day Ven asked me about you, he looked worried, but he didn’t want to tell me why.”

“Yeah, he probably feels guilty” Vanitas sighed, and remained silent, unsure about opening up or not. Roxas waited, and the confession came out quickly.

“Sometime ago I confessed to Ven.”

Roxas suddenly sat up and stared at him, shocked.

“You what?!”

“Roxas, I’m about to die, what else I have left to lose?” Vanitas observed, as a matter of fact.

The boy felt a sharp pain in his chest but decided to keep quiet to let him go on.

“I went to see Ven to tease him. You know, the same story: ‘Hey, Sleeping Beauty, what’s up?’, ‘You are pathetic’, ‘You can’t do anything without your friends, can you?’”

His friend held back a laugh. Maybe Vanitas didn’t realize it, but his attitude was the same as a child that enjoys teasing the person he likes. Roxas would have never told him, not now that they found each other, and passing away suffocated by marigolds seemed more than a decent way of dying.

“Ven got angry more than usual and then I let slip out a ‘Why are you getting so upset? You know I love you!’, and Ven went mute. He suddenly got so serious and I saw the last thing I wanted to see, his pity.”

Vanitas spat that word as if it was poison.

“He felt sorry for me, can you believe it? ‘Vanitas, I can’t return your feelings, not after everything that’s happened’ Ven said. I didn’t realize I had a heart until I felt it breaking. It would have been better if I didn’t have one, what a drag.”

Roxas didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t blame Ven if he didn’t love Vanitas back, of course, but knowing the way his friend was rejected got on his nerves. What did he know about Vanitas? If only he had given him a chance, if only Ventus had given him a way to know him better like Roxas himself did.

If only…

“Not after everything that’s happened. Well, you know what? Guess who’s dying because of him? No…no that’s not his fault, how could Ventus even know what he’s doing to me? Roxas, we’re going to die, I’m going to die” Vanitas’ voice cracked as black tears run down his face.

“How can I even think he could love me? I’m not human, I don’t have blood flowing in the veins, I can’t even cry normal tears, fuck!”

Roxas lied down once again and hugged tightly that body shaken by sobbings. Vanitas didn’t need soothing words, he just needed someone that would have stood by him, and Roxas would have never left him. His friend had been alone far too long.

“I wish there would be a way to heal from this stupid illness, I wish we could stop loving who is doing this to us.”

“No, I won’t ever stop loving Ven. It’s all I’ve left, stop loving him would be like denying my own existence.”

And thought exactly like him. As much as the idea of dying was terrifying him, he couldn’t not love Sora. The love he felt for his somebody was what made him happy, it was what had made him going until that moment. The pain was just a natural result of that feeling, it was the only thing that connected them and to which they could hold on. The pain that was making them feel alive.

To that night followed many others. Lea and Xion always asked him where he sneaked out every time, but at Roxas’ latest excuse the two of them gave up and stopped questioning him. Although they insistently begged him to see a doctor, Roxas was always able to persuade them that he actually felt better, and that he would be okay very soon. His best friends didn’t see improvements, but at least Roxas looked happier now, and they were fine with that. At least, for now.

Sora, on the other hand, kept on pestering Roxas with texts and calls. He prayed him to reply, to call him back because he was seriously starting to worry. Lea and Xion mentioned something to him, and the boy wanted to be sure about his conditions. But Roxas rarely replied him, and as much as it was hurting him, he thought that maybe it was better that way. The boy would be dead soon, and there was no need to be seen in such a bad condition.

“You should reply to him.”

“And you should mind your own business.”

“I’m sorry if I can’t ignore that thing vibrating. Could you at least turn it off?”

“No.”

Vanitas sighed, pissed off.

“You know far too well what Sora is like. Don’t you think you own him an explanation at least? Don’t you think that you’re just making things worse by doing that?”

“Tell him what? That I love him? So I can be rejected and put my heart at peace?”

“What if he loves you back? You must mean something to him if he still hasn’t given up on you, that’s for sure.”

No, I’m not worthy. I can’t live up to him.

“Why should Sora love me back? Why should he even care about me?”

“I don’t know what’s on that mind of yours, but I’m telling you, you’re not the monster you think you are. I can actually say that I almost like you. But hey, it’s not my business, is it?”

Roxas nodded and Vanitas coughed once again. The carnations that came out of his mouth were usually of a bright pink, but for the first time since they met, the flower was now black.

“What now? Do they change color too?” Vanitas asked, now annoyed.

He held the carnation in his hand, and the color stained his fingers. It was blood, Vanitas’ dark blood.

Before Roxas could even allow a single tear to fall out, Vanitas stopped him.

“No, don’t. Once I’m gone you can cry to your heart’s content, but not now.”

Roxas tried to stay strong, but now all he was feeling found a way to get out, so he bent forward and coughed new marigolds. Vanitas came closer, his mouth still bloodstained, and brought a hand to the other’s back in order to soothe him. But that kind gesture awfully reminded Roxas of Sora, and more and more flowers found their way up from the chest to come out of his mouth.

Sora, Sora, So-

“Roxas, breathe. Come on, after me. Breath in,”

And Vanitas took a deep breath, inviting Roxas to do the same.

“Breath out.”

Both of them breathed together, and it didn’t take to long for Roxas to breathe normally again.

“Do you feel better?”

“Yes, thank you.”

When they sat down, Vanitas looked at all those flowers that surrounded them.

“Why don’t we open a shop? We could get something out of this damn situation.”

Roxas smiled. He loved the way Vanitas was able to joke and make him at ease even when they were having a hard time. How much time they spent ignoring each other. But things happened for a reason, and maybe it wasn’t clearly the time for them to become friends yet, Roxas thought.

“Van, I don’t think that people would want flowers came out from someone else’s body” the boy noted.

“Well, no one needs to know.”

“Could you imagine if they had been roses? With all of those thorns it would have been far more painful, the lungs would have torn and who knows what else. We’ve been very lucky with our flowers.”

They laughed, and when laughs faded, both of them could read on the other’s face the same thought.

At least we’d have died sooner.

Days passed and Roxas hadn’t seen Vanitas. He had been waiting for him for two or three nights, but his friend never did show up.

Due to the boy’s conditions during the last few days, Roxas seriously started worrying about him. He looked everywhere for Vanitas, Roxas even asked Ventus if he actually saw him again. But Ventus didn’t know anything, no one did. Roxas was the only one Vanitas had left.

He probably got tired of me. Maybe I said something that offended him. He definitely got tired of me. I’m so stupid.

During one of his researches, Roxas found himself in front of the alley where he found Vanitas that day, and found once again the same trail of carnations that lead him to the other the first time. But this time they were black. Roxas started trembling and fearing for the worst, and let the flowers guide him once again.

As if they were left there on purpose.

If Roxas was in a tale, that would probably have been the moment in which he would have realized too late that he had been lured in a trap and that he was going to end with being killed or eaten but the bad guy, but when Roxas turned the corner, all he saw was Vanitas.

Vanitas laying on the ground, near that dirty wall, perfectly still. Countless carnations were popping out his mouth, and they were of a bright pink and red, the most beautiful flowers that ever came out from his body, forcing the jaw to stay more open than usual, and Roxas thought with horror that the carnations must have broken it.

The flowers that weren’t able to stay in his mouth and they were scattered everywhere, all around Vanitas and all over his corpse. He was terribly beautiful. The only sour note were maybe his golden eyes, wide open and lifeless, that reflected the pain and the realization of what happened to him.

And loneliness.

Roxas would never forgive himself.

He let him die alone.

Roxas knelt down and closed his eyes. He stayed there, contemplating his friend’s face for who knows how long, and he finally placed a light kiss on the other’s forehead.

“Forgive me.”

Vanitas’ body disappeared in a black smoke, as if he was going back to the darkness he came from. All that was left of him was a pink carnation mottled with red and the intoxicating smell of the ones who killed him.

He went back to Ventus.

Roxas burst into tears, feeling more alone that he never did in his short life, and between the sobbing and the merciless marigolds that escaped from his lips, the boy wondered when it would happen to him.

In some cultures, marigolds are used in wedding celebrations, while in other ones they’re connected to the dead.

A really appropriate flower.

If Vanitas’ friendship was able to divert Roxas from his desire for Sora, now that the only obstacle disappeared, his feelings got back to overwhelm him.

There wasn’t a single moment he didn’t think about his somebody, and the more he thought about him, the more he felt the marigolds growing inside of him, feeling up his organs as his emotions did.

When he closed his eyes, Roxas saw Vanitas, the image of his face contorted from pain and fear adorned with beautiful carnations that no one would ever see. No one heard about him, and Roxas didn’t talk about it with his friends either. He wasn’t ready. The boy didn’t even have the words to describe what was happening to him, how could he have told about such a tragedy?

It was like his little world burst without everyone knowing. His friends would have gone on with their lives as if nothing happened, as if Vanitas never existed. But the boy became his satellite (since Sora was already his sun), and now Roxas had to face its disappearance alone, he had to pick up the pieces of a dead moon.

Only Ventus asked about him, and the more time passed, the more his worry grew.

Tell him. Tell him what happened to Vanitas. Tell him he killed your friend.

It would have been too cruel, and Vanitas would have never forgiven him for that. If he couldn’t hate Ventus despite everything, then Roxas wouldn’t either.

He promised to himself that he would tell him the truth before passing away.

Without Vanitas, the monster was back again. Lea and Isa were happier and happier every day, and Xion was living the joy of her first love. And Roxas wanted to be genuinely happy for them, he really did, but he couldn’t help but mask his own envy behind fake smiles.

I’m an idiot. I’m the worst. My friends don’t deserve this.

Roxas started to gradually push them away. He spent most of the time out, in the places he visited with Vanitas, and when he was at home, since he lived with Lea, Xion and Isa, he stayed locked up in his room, and if one of them asked him to let them in, the boy simply pretended to sleep.

This way they won’t suffer too much.

The calls and the texts from Sora, instead, kept on undaunted. Lea often told him to call the other back, to let him know he was still alive at least so he wouldn’t have to worry. They even fought about it once. Sora was so kind, he didn’t deserve that. That person wasn’t the Roxas they knew anymore.

If Vanitas was here, he would know what to tell me.

And he remembered that Vanitas, before dying, suggested him to get in touch with Sora.

And so he did.

When Sora answered, Roxas could clearly hear him crying on the other side of the phone. And he felt like dying.

Sora arranged a peaceful evening, just the two of them. They would have eaten an ice cream, walked around the city, maybe go shopping and then parted. Roxas already knew what the true intentions of his somebody’s were, and he wasn’t surprised of the questions the other asked.

Sora wanted to know how he was feeling, what happened to him, why he didn’t look so good. The boy told him he was worried sick, that he showed up almost everyday to his place but that Roxas was never at home, and that he constantly kept in touch with Xion and Lea to hear about him.

“They told me you were going out every night. Where did you go? Can you tell me?”

But Roxas didn’t reply, and sadly for him Sora didn’t consider giving up an option.

“Roxas, is there someone you like?”

Roxas sighed quietly, almost feeling offended and made fun of. The very same Sora was asking him such a thing?

Is there someone you like?

His thought instinctively went to Vanitas. The boy really liked him, both as person and friend. And he smiled with sadness, while marigolds were tightening around his heart.

“Maybe.”

Sora suddenly turned pale and quickly lowered his gaze, blinking a few times to send away the tears that threatened to come out. But Roxas was too lost in the maze that was his mind to notice that.

If only he could see.

“And you? Is there someone you like?” he asked, without thinking about it.

“Maybe. But I don’t think that this person feels the same way.”

It must be Kairi. Or Riku.

“And what’s their name?”

“What’s the name of the person you like?”

“Sora! Are you still here? We were looking for you.”

Riku and Kairi were getting close, and the chance for Roxas to put an end to his suffering was getting far away.

“Why are you already here? You’re early.”

Sora forced himself to smile and joke as usual. But Roxas couldn’t see it. He could only see how Sora was having a good time with his best friends, and how much he cared and loved them.

Why them? Why not me? What do they have that I don’t?

Roxas coughed, and a single marigold fell in his hand. It wasn’t a daisy, but it would have done the trick anyway.

As he watched the person he loved talking to his friends, Roxas started to tear the petals of the flower one by one, slowly, letting them fall down along with his hopes.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not…

“Roxas, we need to talk.”

It was finally time for the final showdown.

He tried to get out, but a flaming chakram was faster than him, got stuck in one of the door casings, nearly missing him, and vanished before the house could burn down.

“Sit down, or I swear the next one won’t miss.”

Roxas knew that Lea would have never hurt him, but if he was going so far maybe he’d better find out what they wanted to say.

He turned back and noticed Isa with a harsh look on his face, and Xion that was begging him with a look to do as they told him.

Roxas sighed and sat down.

“What.”

“You won’t get out until you tell us what the hell is happening to you. We’re sick of never seeing you at home or locked up in your room. We’re a family, we want you to talk to us.”

“There’s nothing to tell you.”

“Roxas, would you happen to have the flower disease?”

Roxas stared at Isa, and that was enough for him.

“I guess so.”

“Flowers? I don’t understand” Xion asked timidly, afraid of not understanding.

“Sora?”

It wasn’t Isa that asked. Roxas looked at Lea, astonished. Was it possible that he knew? But how…

“Can you see them?”

Isa shook his head. “Roxas. You’ve been sick for months, it’s obvious that it’s not a cold anymore. Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

“What should I have told you? That I’m coughing up flowers because I’m in love? It’s already lame enough like this, I don’t need your pity, thanks.”

“Can you tell me what’s happening?” Xion asked, getting worked up. She hated being left out.

“Roxas is suffering from the flower disease. It means that his unrequited love for Sora is manifesting through flowers that are growing inside his body, and only who is affected by it can see them.” Lea explained shortly.

As he thought.

“Is there anything we can do? Is there a cure?” Xion already had tears in her eyes, and Roxas didn’t have the courage to face her.

“You can recover only if the feeling is mutual. In the worst case scenario…” Lea hesitated, and Isa worked up the courage to finish his sentence.

“Who is affected by the flower disease dies.”

Xion started sobbing out of sheer despair and Lea looked at him, fuming.

“We’re a family!” he cried out, making everyone jump. They had never heard him shouting like that, they had never seen him so angry. His green eyes burned from rage, and his red hair looked like it was made of pure fire. His voice let out anger and disappointment, and Roxas was no less, feeling his own emotions get stronger.

“We’re here to help and support each other. We promised we would have faced everything together, am I wrong?”

And Roxas exploded, feeling his own repressed rage corroding his veins like acid.

“Such a great family we are! You are always busy being lovey-dovey with Isa, and Xion doesn’t think about anything else that it isn’t Naminé! You don’t care about me anymore!”

No, that’s not true. I hate myself. I’m the worst.

He hated feeling like that, he hated not being able to be happy for them. Roxas wanted that happiness for himself, he wanted to be the one who was loved for once.

Xion begged him, with hands joined in prayer. “Please, Roxas, we must do something! You have to talk to Sora!”

“About what? I don’t have anything to say to him!”

He could have sworn he had a similar talk, once.

“You’re just a coward! You’re afraid of being rejected, I can see that, but…!”

“Just because the two of you have found the love of your life it doesn’t mean I should too!” Roxas shouted, and his best friends lowered their gaze, feeling guilty.

The time had come for him to spill his guts. If he had to come out of the closet, he might as well get rid of that weight once for all.

“Why should he love me? He should be crazy to fall in love with such a person. No one should get involved with me, I wouldn’t do it either.”

Roxas stopped, no longer able to find the words to bring out what he felt, what destroyed him and made him feel like that. He remained silent, his mind blank as a white page.

“We must be stupid to love someone like you then. If you are a monster as you say, so we are. It’s our fault if you’re hurt, it’s our fault if we didn’t realize sooner how much you were suffering. Can you ever forgive us?”

Lea was burnt out. His rage vanished, and now sadness, accentuated by watery eyes, took over his emotions.

No. You are the ones who have to forgive me. I don’t deserve you at all.

But…

“Why do you think I ended up like this? And Vanitas…!”

Roxas hesitated at that name, and Vanitas’ cold face covered with carnations emerged in his thoughts.

“There must be a way, we can’t give up. If you don’t want to confess, you should just forget him then” Xion suggested, crying her eyes out.

Vanitas would have never done that, Vanitas would have never wanted to forget.

“If I forget him, I’ll lose my reason to live. I can’t.”

“Roxas, what happened to Vanitas?”

Isa’s question took his breath away, and this time it wasn’t because of marigolds.

Breath in,

Breath out.

Roxas started crying and when the three of them embraced him in a group hug, the boy finally indulged himself in a cleansing cry.

“We won’t let you die, we’ll find a way.”

Lea’s promise should have heartened him, made him feel safe now that his best friends were aware of everything – but Roxas was going to die, and all of his family knew that they’d never find any other way.

Now that the disease reached the final stage. Roxas coughed marigolds covered in blood, and he knew he didn’t have long to live now. Judging by what happened to Van, maybe he had three days left at most.

The boy didn’t say anything to his friends. He wanted to spent his last moments with them peacefully, without the awareness and the constant idea of what laid ahead of him. The thought of passing away terrified him, and he started to think it was unfair that such a thing was happening to him, he that lived for such a short time, and yet had to face so many tragedies.

He kept on wondering about what would have happened after his death, how people who loved him would react, and how long it would take for them to forget him.

How long would it take for Sora to forget him?

Sora, Sora, Sora…

Roxas didn’t hear from him since that day. Sora stopped looking for him, and Roxas was too much of a coward to do otherwise. He’d rather stay closed in on himself and think that surely his somebody hated him and got tired of the other.

Roxas didn’t blame him.

But he didn’t want to die like that. He wanted to see Sora one last time.

They met the next day. Roxas hardly made even the slightest movements, because marigolds were almost completely blocking the air passage. Lea and Xion offered to go with him, but the boy refused their help.

He would have done it alone. He would have done it for Sora.

When they saw each other, Sora looked confused and bewildered, and as he talked, Roxas noticed that the other continued to clear his throat.

“Sorry, I think I have a sore throat, it has been bugging me for days. What were you saying?”

Roxas shook his head, sending away any delusion, and mustered up the courage. He had nothing else to lose now.

“I wanted to apologize for what happened the other day. You see, the truth is…”

But Sora was looking at him with those two gorgeous gentians he had for eyes, and words failed Roxas.

How much he loved him, how much he would have missed Sora.

I don’t want to die.

“Roxas!”

Roxas coughed compulsively and went down, followed by a multitude of red marigolds. He couldn’t breathe any longer, and he started feeling the flowers trying to come out violently from his own body. Sora was by his side, made him rest the head on his lap to keep it raised and panicked.

“What’s happening to you? What’s wrong? Roxas, you’re full of red and yellow spots, what the hell is happening to you?!”

Sora brought a hand to his own mouth and coughed twice. White rose petals slipped on his trembling palm and gently fell on Roxas’ face, almost caressing it.

Could you imagine if they had been roses? With all of those thorns it would have been far more painful, the lungs would have torn and who knows what else.

Roxas could bearly see a thing, and gathered the last of his strength in a final, desperate gesture.

He brought a hand behind Sora’s nape and pulled him down, ending it all with a kiss.

(This is the second and last part of the story, I hope you liked it! I’m leaving here the link to ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180159/chapters/45591697#workskin)

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