#valpersonal

[echoes-lost]

Also I've been taking adhd meds for the past month-ish

Life changing. Kinda pissed I didn't have them before. My dad (gp doctor) always told be he was pretty sure I had adhd... no idea why he didn't get me properly assessed. It would've helped so damn much in college.

(throwback to that time a teacher told me to stop drawing in class because it was distracting her. Ma'am, I'm drawing because I can't focus otherwise, you're too damn boring!)

So. Life changing, it's like my brain usually is a messy desktop with icons everywhere, a bajillion open tabs and auto-play music i can't find the source of. With the meds, it gets all cleared up, one tab open at a time.

I can consistently stay focused on drawing for 4+ hours a day, every day. Mind blown. I take them late on purpose on D&D days...it helps a lot xD.

And side effect, these med usually reduce your appetite (and make you forget to eat cuz you're in the zone) and I've lost some weight. I love eating, I love snacking, and had some extra fluff I made peace with long ago but because I don't snack much anymore, that fluff is slowly melting. I don't hate it. Just have to make sure I get a nicely filling breakfast before starting my day ^^

[blossomhimee]

[faeriefoxart]

Art projects I’d like to make - 

- An oracle card deck

- Sticker packs

- Fix the mistake I made and do a full concept art for a fake video game project

- A Pickle fanzine/artbooklet

[feral-ethereal]

(you can block the tag "valpersonal" if you don't want to see my personal posts)

Tomorrow is my last day of school,

I don't know what I'm going to do after that. I'm seriously sad school is over so soon. 

Guess I'm going to wallow in self loathing, eat my feelings (then complain about how fat I am despite being more like thin-average) and I don't know. Part of me wants to take a break from drawing because I can't seem to do anything right but other part wants to draw even more.

And almost the totality of wants to smoke and drink and get wasted. Joy.

I'm tired. Too much stuff around me I wish I could just throw it all away.

[vlrdnds]

(Too) ambitious project : OC group picture

Elle, Lily Vogel, Ambrosia, Sally, Kelsay, Alya, Arisa, Bones, Axel, Freyr, Erik, Markus, Seyven, Philip, Devon, Aa.

[echoes-lost]

Holidays!

Littlest one got a fever during the night, kept me awake from like 3.30 to 5am. I'm tired. Today is last day of daycare, then the girls are going to be home for a while. But it's okay, Nic got fired. More on that later.

Gifts are wrapped. I just need to buy wine and do some baking. I'm making croatian chocolate cookies for the 24th, and a pear & apple crumble cheesecake for Nic's birthday, on 22nd. This asshole has his bday right before christmas. Then there's my sister's bday on the 30th, New Year, and then Big Girl's birthday is early January. Oof. I'll have to plan a Spidey-themed party after the holiday rush. It's going to be a busy next couple weeks.

I don't think I'll have much time to draw until next year. I suppose I can do some thinking/planning, I want to do another round of spontaneous applications/offer of services, trying to find work in my field. Getting hired as a 2D artist/illustrator is a lot of right place right time and having contacts. Love doing fetish art but it doesn't pay much.

About Nic getting fired, it sucks but it's not terrible. He's a pharmacist, and for the last 10 months, he had a teaching contract at the pharmacy faculty. He was supposed to be renewed for the next term but there were last minute fuck ups, and now its not happening. Since pharmacists are in high demand, finding work isn't an issue but he really loved the university job and he was pretty damn good at it. Silver lining, he's going to take a couple weeks off.

Anyway, that's about it. Little life update.

Looking forward to taking a nap.

[echoes-lost]

Weekend trip to Montreal was great :) I hate Montreal with passion, but seeing Nic's university friends made it more than worth it.

His uni best friend and his partner finished the bulk of their reno and have a baby due in January. They had us over to see the new hourse and catch. They also surprised invited two other couples we haven't seen in so long. One have the cutest 3 months old boy, and the other officially invited us to their wedding next year. It's nice to see people we love building happy little nest.

Our girls did great. Big Girl loved her trip so much and is already asking when we're going back. Little Girl was obsessed with our hosts' cat. When we got back home, she looked around and went 'Meow meow gone :('

And Nic was overjoyed, he didn't know we were going to see the two other couples. Being in different cities, they go year without seeing each other.

[echoes-lost]

I haven't been active lately and that's because I've deleted all fun apps from my phone.

I was getting annoyed at the amount of time I spent on my phone - and the example it set for my girls. Needless to say I've been bored, but also I've been reading, playing video games, spending quality time with my girls instead. It's good.

I check in once in a while on desktop but mostly I'm staying away from scrollable apps and websites.

Once in a while, I get the urge to share something on tumblr. I write it down in my notebook instead.

I dyed my hair red again, after what, 2 years of natural brown. I feel even more like myself.

I've been playing Warhammer 40k : Darktide with Nic. There's something very relaxing about shooting and smashing through hordes of mutants and heretics.

Baby is a bit grumpy, with her teeth coming in but she's still a ray of sunshine, she smiles and laughs so much.

The toddler is growing beautifully. She's fun and stubborn, she needs her space and alone time but is also so good at sharing and making sure everyone has their turn.

That's pretty much it. Hope you guys are doing well :)

[echoes-lost]

Daycare is closed this week.

I feel like I'm failing at being a mom. I'm just so tired all the time. Victoria is sad because I cannot give her as much of my undivided attention as she would like. They get more screen time than they should and the house is a mess... I keep telling myself it's normal but, as much as it might come as a surprise, I'm a perfectionist. I'm also a first-born daughter.

I love my tiny little 8 months old but I'm looking forward to this fall, when she goes to daycare and (fingers crossed) sleeps through the night.

Both kids are napping right now and I'm venting on tumblr instead of doing something fun or productive...scratch that, littlest one is awake.

[echoes-lost]

My mental health has been shit these last few days. Less daylight? Period coming soon? Return of the pendulum after a very pleasant and productive month?

I'm sad, irritable, easily overstimulated. I'm falling behing on chores and commissions despite actually putting (what feels like) a lot of energy into it.

There's also the Little One. I think she's teething..it's so hard getting her to sleep and last night she wasn't having it. Had to drive around to finally get her to sleep only to 'wake up' a couple hours later completely inconsolable.

I got to bed around 2.30 and as I was falling asleep, Big One called for me because of course her sister woke her up and needed comfort too.

I would love to just not interact with anyone for a couple days but yeah...two kids and a mother in law dead set on reorganising/refurnishing the girls' bedrooms. I wish I could tell them all to shut up and let me rot in peace (:

Vent over, back to your regular scrolling.

[echoes-lost]

Toddler is going back to daycare tomorrow after 3 weeks off.

I'm so readyyy for a ''''break''''. Not a real break because I still have the baby, Nic will be gone with the car and I have lots of cleaning to catch up on but at least it'll be a break from the constant questioning and feeling like a jungle gym.

That being said, we had a lovely time. The first of those three weeks was spent at a cabin by the lake, it was lots of work but overall, an amazing time. And then I tried to explore a bit more with the lil ones, find new parks in the area, try new activities.

Now I have to catch up on cleaning as I said and start looking for a job. I'm looking for something either in illustration/character design, ideally something I can do fully or in part from home, or if that isn't available I'm also going to look in medical archives or transcription kind of jobs.

So yeah, little life update. I'm still not drawing but having fun making fridge magnets with polymer clay. Toddler loves it too, her work is a bit more abstract tho.

[echoes-lost]

It’s so weird to me how much I love being a mom and how it’s such a huge important part of my life.

Growing up, I didn’t like kids. I HATED babysitting, I was a bitch to my youngest sister because she was 5 years younger. I’m sensitive to loud noises and had very little patience for screaming toddlers.

As an adult, I became more neutral toward children, didn’t especially enjoy being around them but hey, they’re super important and still learning how to human. I thought I might have some, if I found the right partner but otherwise wasn’t big on it.

Nic was the right partner, I knew he would be an amazing, loving dad, he’s very family-oriented so, we made a baby.

I was scared to lose myself in motherhood, to become Mom instead of Val. I also never fully connected with being a ‘woman’ so there were some worries about pregnancy and all that stuff.

The irony. I love being Mom, I truly grew and found myself in that role. I still don’t quite feel ‘woman’ but I 100% identify with Mother. Being able to bring life into this world feels like such a blessing and privilege.

I’m am deeply in love with my little Viya, and I cannot wait to meet Number Two, I am looking forward to those sweet, awful newborn days, with that little bundle of love and poop attached to my boobs.

I know it’s not for everyone, but I love the slowly evolving routine parenthood brings... :)

And right now Viya is at daycare and I should be working, not introspecting. GOODBYE.

[echoes-lost]

I was away for the Easter weekend and forgot my brain meds, adding the post-socialization burnout, I’m feeling very disconnected today. I was hoping to make some progress on the little one’s bedroom but it feels like a mountain.

I do feel like drawing today, so taking advantage of that.

-

We were at Nic’s grandparents for the weekend. It was very pleasant, but not relaxing at all. 4 toddlers ages 2 to 4 running around hyped on sugar all day. Sadly, the 3 that aren’t mind have separated parents and I was the only mom there so..yeah. At least the grandparents were there too.

[echoes-lost]

Since my journal is stuck somewhere in the mess that is my office-turning-Viya's-bedroom...

Today, cleaning day + prep Thursday's Warhammer game when I have some quiet time. I have the toddler but no car so there isn't much I can do.

Tomorrow, drop Viya at daycare, get white paint and finish the bedroom. I should have time to do one coat in the morning and one in the evening. Hopefully it'll be enough.

Also home decor run at Hart's and Canadian Tire.

Wednesday, I have some commission work to finish so first I'll have to set up my computer *somewhere*. Also I want to paint the clouds, polar bear and fishes in V's room.

Thursday is more of the same, and Warhammer RP in the evening.

Friday, I'll officially move Viya's bedroom and Saturday, we're going to Nic's Grandparents for the Easter weekend.

Sounds like a nice week ahead :)

Also I have a doctor appointment next week, must not forget.

[echoes-lost]

Sorry for oversharing but

I’m feeling so PMS-y today. I’m tired, no energy, can’t be bothered to talk to anyone. I’m just a sleepy blob. 

And I’m actually waiting for my period to see if I’m pregnant or not, Nic and I are trying for another little goblin so there’s that anxiety mixed in with the monthly sadness/low energy. 

I think I’ll ask Nic’s mom if she can watch Vi and let me borrow her car to get a bubble tea... I need some liquid happiness. 

I also need a haircut lol. 

[echoes-lost]

Had a fascinating dream last night.

I was back in my last year of high school but with my current knowledge and memories. I was able to redo everything better, knowing where I was going. I turned down my ex when he asked me out on the bus, I spent more time with my friends, I applied directly in an art program instead of dicking around for four years...And I made a note to myself to join tinder in January 2014 so I could meet Nic again. Even deep inside a dream, I still want him to be a part of my life.

I spent the morning thinking about that dream, exploring the concept of beginning anew, reflect on what I would’ve done differently. There were no regrets, no bitterness. Instead I am incredibely proud of myself for how much I’ve changed over the years. There are so many things I would’ve done differently had I known what I know now. But I didn’t, and I still managed to get to a beautiful place in life :)

..

And the craziest thing, I woke up much more relaxed, refreshed and motivated than I usually do.