#vagueposting about my dad i guess

[etherealspacejelly]

i hate when you're angry about something and the person you're talking to is like. not matching the energy

stop making me feel guilty for being mad. stop making me feel like im being too much. i want to rant about a thing thats Pissing Me Off without feeling weird and awkward about it. makes me feel like im not allowed to be angry. it fucking sucks

[succulent-pott]

getting a flashback to a funny childhood story only to realize oh! That was just bullying.

[yuseirra]

vagueposting about onk 163~~~~ no real spoilers about the content!!! but I'll keep it under a read more still

good news is, I will still be able to draw hikaai till next week, I survived yet another week again~

If the rest of the remaining chapters are like this, they will never be able to handle the themes this work handles in good depth. There simply isn't enough space left, 4 chapters were the boundary/margin for me to imagine things could be wrapped up in a somewhat sufficient manner, this work tackles things that are quite serious and big and deserve good room for discussion-

It can't do that this way. Moreover, the direction of the writing feels so off to me. I don't agree with what it's trying to make of or convince me of... I'm too distracted of what's been happening in the other parts of the plot to resonate with it. I didn't come here to see Aqua trying to strangle his dad and...feel nothing much over it. It doesn't click to me as what's right, but maybe I read the work wrong, then it's on me... but I really didn't like seeing that scene!! It was terrifying and cruel!! and ugly!!! I don't like seeing people trying to kill each other and weren't they BOTH the victims in that case? Didn't they both care deeply for Ai and got traumatized because of it? Why did they end up trying to hurt each other like that? I felt there's some greater evil behind it all never being tackled at, blaming and killing one individual over it(and he REALLY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING YET!!!) is such a convenient and easy way out as well as it being...unable to resolve anything, wasn't Kamiki really right about that? Killing someone as helpless as he is wouldn't solve anything? He didn't say anything so wrong!!! I actually agree with him on that one.

I think it'd be better/best if they devote everything that's left to Ruby and Aqua in this case and just leave AI and her bf be and don't touch them at all if they're going to handle things like this...it's not going to work out.

I'd rather they do a deliberate, amazing job with two characters with depths than do mediocre-janky with many... I would have had my faith if there were like 8 remaining chapters but with only 3 now, no, it's impossible, the writers are such capable people and they can make wonders, I appreciate what they do and have done but I don't see it happening. In that case, I rather they just leave things be, then at least there'd be some room for me to try and make sense out of what's there than having something half-baked and unfulfilling as a resolution. They can still make Aqua and Ruby work, but with more characters being thrown into the picture? Oh..; If they were ever going to bring Ai and Hikaru in depth they need at least two at a minimum, but there is no way they'd have enough chapter space left to give them a proper chance

Ah, I can live another week to draw more hikaai UGH, UGHH.. I guess I am relieved to an extent since yet again, nothing important has been brought forth, nothing is explained, there wasn't ANYTHING new, if they're going to make the rest of the chapters like this one too, then I never thought I could say this but I feel I can write that ship better. They gave us a really good ingredient to cook with, so I can cook out a good meal, now what I want is for the ingredients to.. remain fresh or at least at a status quo. These characters deserve to be given a more.. proper discussion and space dedicated to them, I just don't see why the writers wouldn't choose to do it because it'd be wonderful if they did...

If things stay the way they are, I can still manage, I can still draw lots of fanarts! If it gets worse than this, then I'd have a hard time, if somehow, like a miracle, something really great can happen about them(I'm still not letting this hope go entirely because Ai is such an iconic character) it'd be great!

Not..a bad chapter but to have this be the one that takes up an entire chapter when there are only like 4 left...I felt so unimpressed... could have been okay as a standalone but even still, I don't agree with the sentiment it's trying to convince me of. Yes Aqua, you are a fool. A big dummy. Now go back to Ruby and live. This manga will definitely flunk if you die. I'm not worried about your life's sake at all because you're the main character and you won't die. You go and live a happy life pal, you can do it, go confess to Kana too because god you've been holding out so long with that and it's going to get stale

Your dad doesn't have the luxury to have even his story discussed adequately and I'm concerned about him, I would never make that choice as a writer, so I want to believe the two really good creators responsible for this to do it but there seriously isn't any space left for that to be a reality, if they're going to not handle it with care, then I rather they just leave it be as it is. I just don't see it being left as it is either but... that might be better for his sake, oh, they're not giving him and Ai justice rn. They should, but there's just too little space left. In that case, they should prioritize wrapping Ruby and Aqua's story at least.

[intriga-hounds]

hey so apparently someone was vagueposting about me and it’s a bit whacky bc it’s not someone i would’ve guessed but i just wanted to lay some things out.

this person seemed to believe that i was just throwing my problematic dog (baz) on a family member and replacing him with a new puppy.

i figure if they think that, other people must think that. so i just want to be clear on some things:

I love Baz with my whole heart. He will still be under my roof.

I still pay all of his bills currently. In just the last week alone, I have paid for a $200 consultation at a new rehab vet (not covered by insurance) and took him to his second session at the chiropractor (covered). Soon I need to reorder all of his supplements and Adequan (mostly not covered). I explicitly told my sister, “I will not give you a broken dog.”

My dad and sister BOTH ASKED ME if they could have him. I chose my sister because I knew he would be in my house and I could still give him the many, many, MANY things he requires. Also Beau bullies him.

I do conditioning exercises with him daily. He has a weak back and loin, which is part of why he gets injured. Now that he’s not in pain anymore (at his appt in March, he was literally too painful to exercise), we can FINALLY get him beefed up after a YEAR of rehab. He has done it all: acupuncture, laser therapy, electromagnetic therapy, massage therapy, craniosacral massage, chiropractor, AND MORE. I took him to every single appointment and paid for it.

I have spent literally thousands of dollars on this dog trying to heal him, both mentally and physically. I don’t plan on stopping. In fact, yesterday I got a referral for a local behaviorist from a friend that I plan to contact today.

I still take him to events and outings to work on his confidence. He was at the specialty yesterday and got to run DASH. Earlier this week, he went to the dog beach.

I had planned on a puppy from Olive’s litter LONG BEFORE I gave Baz up. I’ve been waiting 8 months for these puppies to be born. I let my sister start sleeping with Baz at night about 1 month ago.

I have made it expressly clear to my sister that if he ever feels like a burden, she is beholden to nothing and my door is always open to him. It helps that my door is right down the hall.

When Baz’s application for acceptance into the breed is accepted, he WILL be brought out to events, personally by me, that are appropriate for him.

This text to my family yesterday sums it up:

Baz is a mess, but I love him anyway. I wouldn’t trade him for all the ribbons in the world. Milo is lovely, but he’s not our Bazzlebean.

Do I get frustrated with Baz to the point of tears? Yes. Do I wish his temperament was different? Yes. But I also take responsibility for him and he will be adored and snuggled for ever and ever.

Yesterday, two people at the show blamed me for Baz’s temperament issues, even though others in the litter are also shaky. It’s nothing new; these people don’t know how hard I’ve worked or how much I care.

The person who posted about me blocked me, so I guess she will never know just how much I love Baz.

But she can also go fuck herself.

[whumpster-fire]

It may be my cynicism and my baggage showing, but I’m getting really, really sick of media aimed at kids and teens - movies, TV shows, books, whatever - treating a child not respecting their parent and a parent not respecting their child like they’re equivalent and equal offenses and totally ignoring the power dynamics involved.

And what I mean by this is shit like a Family Movie where a parent and child don’t respect one another’s hobbies and interests. Except what this actually means is:

Child: doesn’t want to participate in the parents’ hobbies and is visibly unhappy during mandatory “bonding activities,” and maybe calls the parents lame and uncool old fogies once in a while.

Parent is emotionally unsupportive of the child’s major passion in life, constantly belittles and harasses them over it, coerces them into “bonding activities” that consist of doing what the parent wants to do even if the child hates it, and forbids the child from participating in their interest / hobby, sabotages them, destroys their valuable and sentimentally important possessions, or just creates an unspoken threat of doing this by being openly hostile towards the child’s interests and always has the power to do the things mentioned above.

And then the movie ends with this conflict being resolved by “I guess we both needed to learn to understand each other more.”

(And yes I am vagueposting about The Mitchells vs The Machines, and other films as well)

No, it doesn’t fucking work like that. You can’t just go “Uh well both sides are wrong” because the amount of harm the two sides are capable of causing each other is not even remotely comparable. Even leaving aside the “If you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person” crap a child does not have the ability to stop a parent from having a hobby they disapprove of.

A child can’t get away with selling their dad’s golf clubs or fishing poles, or digging up their parents’ garden (not without getting in serious fucking trouble) because they don’t like how their parents are choosing to spend their free time. A child cannot ban their parent from playing a sport they don’t like. A child cannot dictate how their parents spend their money. A child cannot bar their parent from getting a job so they have money that isn’t under the child’s direct control. A child cannot threaten to withhold financial support and kick them out of their home. A parent? Can legally do that. (And if the story’s set in the past or not in certain locations also can legally physically assault them to force compliance)

So no, guess what, when the conflict is between a parent who’s resorting to controlling, abusive or borderline abusive behavior to force their child to like their hobbies because their feelings are hurt over their kid turning out to be a different person from them, and a child who’s just trying to be allowed to be who they are, a “Well, both sides should be more open minded about each other’s interests” ending is bullshit. And it makes me feel physically sick thinking about children who are going through this shit in real life seeing movies like that and thinking they deserve it for not being enthusiastic enough about the Mandatory Fun Bonding Time or whatever.

I’d really love to see a “family-friendly” movie just take the fucking gloves off and go “Kids, it is not your fucking responsibility to appease your asshole parents by ‘seeing their side.’ Parents, shape the fuck up and treat your kid like a human being, because you can’t fix years of trauma and resentment with a few apologies and band-aid concessions, and they’re under no obligation to try to mend a relationship with someone who treats them like shit.” But the parents who need to hear that message would probably just ban their kids from watching it.

(And by the way, How to Train Your Dragon is not in this category - while there’s some things to criticize about Stoick and Hiccup’s relationship being magically fixed as quickly as it was, Stoick was straight up the villain / main antagonist of the first film. I’m talking about like if they went “Oh well Stoick needs to respect his son’s passion for engineering and empathy for dragons, but Hiccup really should work out more and be more of a warrior, so let’s call it even.”)

[haootia]

*flashes my Gay on Tumblr punch card which declares that having seen 10 bad posts in the last 21 days i am allowed to be real deep on main with no consequences* anyway

c*s m*n will really be like “give me music recs” and then not listen to whatever you send them and then like three months later be like “wow this is actually good”? ? yeah bitch i knew! its cause i dont get all my taste in music from my dad!! like hashtag dead dad privilege i guess but christ pwease listen to something that isnt the clash / the beatles / related white european men on really loud drums talkin about how they hate women. c*s m*n listen to beck - loser and be like damn im really going off the rails with this one... additionally like sorry to vaguepost but my ex constantly posts either holland 1945 or brave as a noun on his instagram story with sadboy captions about how much he hates his mother. good job you remembered two songs i liked, im not getting back together with you, go to therapy

[nightcoremoon]

Callout post: me

lying, manipulative, hold grudges, constantly paranoid, would absolutely 100% check out a teenager if nobody was looking because "it's a harmless crime", liar, cycle through idealization and devaluation, 'sick of fat people trying to be the next civil rights issue and making it that much harder to get civil rights for people who are ACTUALLY oppressed like gee idk poc and muslims and the mentally ill and queer people', frequently fantasizes about committing violent acts against people I rationalize they deserve it including family members, untruthful, attention whore, pedantic AND pretentious, tells lies, doesn't believe in one sister's claim of sexual assault (went to smoke weed with the alleged perpetrator), UNAPOLOGETICALLY AGAINST ASEXUAL EXCLUSIONISM (LITERALLY FUCK YOU DUMBASS FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS WHO SHRIEK THAT QUEER IS A SLUR, SHUT YOUR GODDAM FUCKING WHORE MOUTHS YOU DUMBASSES AND GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE OR READ A BOOK), would absolutely punch a child over an insignificant internet argument, secretly sought out sexual pleasure from two friendly seemingly platonic encounters with two girls I just met within twenty four hours, overreacts to the slightest provocations and has bitches at or vagueposted at several people who did not deserve it, has used mental illness and physical handicap to evade trouble from being late for work because video games and laziness and excessive sleep, has spent maybe a thousand dollars on fast food in 2018 alone, evades bills for medical care from an actually great clinic, lying sack of garbage, gave up on calling out family's bigotry and is now an accessory to prejudice, despises terfs predominantly for their refusal to fuck me because of being trans and yet meanwhile would not engage in sexual relationship with another trans woman or cis man unless reeeeeeeeally drunk, can and will blame being sexually assaulted as a child which probably didn't even happen because I don't think I remember it, unabashed furry, probably as addicted to video games and masturbation AND LIES as I almost was to alcohol, pretended to have almost been an alcoholic just to "win" facebook arguments about addiction, doesn't give a fuck my dad almost died from heroin JUST because he's a *little* homophobic and racist and classist and xenophobic because of a christian upbringing, would literally fucking murder him if he EVER PUTS HIS HANDS ON ME AGAIN, only slightly depressed because of laziness and a lack of drive and ungrateful to my family because hey they didn't kick me out for being trans so HEY THATS SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH FOR SOME OTHER PEOPLE SO WHY CANT I BE HAPPY WITH THAT, legitimately salty about ~the friendzone~ and just makes fun of incels because everybody else does, takes the moral high ground for not being a misogynist even though I don't deserve a pat on the back a lap dance and a blowjob for not hating women, overly sensitive about stupid things, thinking about faking having a trigger warning for more discourse credit, HUUUGE ASSHOLE to men I deem unattractive for no other reason than every single ugly fat guy I've ever met has been an asshole, rationalizes it after the fact because they eventually say something shitty because all men are terrible, probably a little bit of a cisnormative misandrist because trans men tend to be much better people, finds trans men attractive (specifically and significantly more so than cis men) so must clearly be fetishizing them, relatively okay with people referring to me as deadnamed and the wrong pronouns so probably just lying about being trans to everyone including myself, not 100% okay with the hijab for 'no reason other than all organized religion is evil and opposed to its mandate and the shame it forces on many women in many situations the exact same way I'm opposed to no sex before marriage and wives being subservient to their husbands and treating women as property in the torah and quran alike because ITS ALL BRAINWASHING' so is clearly not unlearning islamophobia and doesn't want to let that go, hypocrite because I believe in the basics of judeochristianity

and loathe atheism and atheists entirely because their smugness and smarm literally sets my blood pressure through the roof of what is safe and normal and yet claim to hate all organized religion, mansplains yet gets so pissed off when other people mansplain to me, judgmental of other cultures because they don't have the exact same values that I have, james gunn apologist, talks and talks and talks about anarchosocialism all damn day but would beat the shit out of a coworker for leaving me to do things because they're lazy because "any job worth doing is worth doing well" and other capitalismisms, literally couldn't give less of a fuck that his mother is dying because people die but it's no reason to make my life slightly harder and making me work hard when I work because BOO HOO MY LEGS HURT FROM THE LITERALLY MOST MILD CASE OF MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY I COULD'VE BEEN BORN WITH, hasn't actually performed real suicide attempt ever but still claims to have done so to attain sympathy that may result in physical affection, countless other shitty terrible things that yeah I recognize are bad but CANT SEEM TO CARE BECAUSE I HAVE DEPRESSION... WHICH IS THE WEAKEST FUCKING EXCUSE IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GODDAMN WORLD

I am not a good person, okay?

I just pretend to be sometimes.

I'm sick of doing it, I'm sick of trying to do well and earn people's approval by doing and saying the right things only to just be ignored which is a step up from receiving many anons that hey, never actually told me to kill myself, but did take my words out of context to paint me as a racist. I am not the kind of racist who would vote for trump and march with the kkk. that is one of very few good things I can say about myself. but I'm an arrogant, violent, and angry opinionated perverted manipulative judgmental lying asshole. I'm not a good person. I have let myself fall so much and I deserve to be alone. my only connections to people were built on personal gain and I swear to myself that I do love them but those feelings fall away in direct correlation to how much they interact with me. I could love you to the point of obsession and stalking and one month later be completely and totally disinterested. I'm a bigot who pretends to not be bigoted and just parrots what other people say not because I believe it but because it's the right thing to say, and I only say what the right thing is to say because whenever I say a good thing something good will happen to me and if I say a bad thing something bad happens to me. it's all just self preservation, nothing else at all. but now I'm at the end of a road of just trying to do good and I'm alone. out of the only two friends that I can really say that I have left, one is far away and trapped in a guilt spiral that I caused by being too clingy, and the other has been behaving in a way my mind has decoded as defensive around me which makes sense as I have been very... the best way to describe it would be the way a dudebro incel interacts with any person who possesses a vagina/breasts but sneakier. in both relationships I've pushed my own wants and desires in extremis... I can't for the life of me recall the last time I have ever offered something in return other than my own company or paying for a meal at a restaurant or I guess transportation. and instead of sex I just want them to express even the slightest bit of intimate platonic physical affection towards me but that's still a lot to offer someone who has clearly expressed the existence of a sexual and maybe something near the realms of romantic in one of the cases physical attraction because for this aspec it's practically the same fucking thing.

and I've manipulated them to attain this goal. at this point my shit brain has considered just fucking going to town on my wrists with a razor blade to draw sympathy so that I'll get a hug or something beyond just a simply hello/goodbye, and finding a way to induce tears to concoct a sob story to reach the same end result, and one time very briefly via threat and intimidation so you can clearly see that I've gone far too into irredeemable territory. I've been playing and replaying cry of fear because it's just too similar to my own issues and the first ending where he just kills everyone he loves and then himself... I see me in that ending. and it scares me so much more than the sprinting screaming twitching one hit kill chainsaw guy ever will. I don't want that to be me, I want to change something, but I just can't get the help that I need. I had hoped to go for a domino effect, where if I could be cuddled for like five minutes or something, I'd have the energy to be more hygienic, which would make me feel capable enough to take on two jobs, which would get me the cash flow I need to pay my bills and take care of my hormones, which would put me in the headspace necessary to effectively use psychological help, which would let me get over my illnesses and actually become a more successful person instead of the pathetic husk I am here in non-fantasy land.

but that won't happen.

I'm just sitting here in the dark angsting about how nobody will touch me in a way that would produce oxytocin, and it's making me so sick, so physically sick, that it's affecting my brain too. I'm in pain, nauseous, vengeful, spiteful, paranoid, judgmental, and lonely. I'm stuck and I can't even kill myself because my mind wants me to stay alive and suffer through all of this because "oh it gets better" people have been saying that for well over half of my life. I was six or seven years old when I asked my mother to kill me, and that same level of desperation and bitterness has only gotten worse as time goes by. when does it get better? I'll tell you when it gets better, after I'm in prison or comatose or forty five years old with a cane and bad eyes and high blood pressure and lung cancer from all the secondhand smoke I've breathed in my life. when my life is over, that's when it gets better. I DONT WANT THAT. I WANT A NORMAL FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW. I WANT NORMAL FRIENDSHIPS AND A NORMAL HOME AND A NORMAL EDUCATION AND A NORMAL CAREER AND A NORMAL FAMILY. or at least I want someone to hold me and make me feel like I'm not so horrible and broken that I can't be touched.

but that's too much to ask for.

[guccitama69]

Who are you top 5 favorite Bleach characters? And why?

i mean, if you follow my blog it’s pretty easy to discern who at least my 3 favorite characters are.

in no particular order, because i love these 5 equally:

- jushiro! sweet, soft loyal fish dad who would do anything for his friends. including, but not limited to: treason, general rule breaking, spying, giving gifts, and literally giving his life for his friends. old as fuck, strong, genuinely kind, handsome. imo kubo did a major disservice to him. jushiro died for our sins.

- shunsui. handsome strong man. probably the only character i relate to: a) doesn’t ever feel like working, b) would rather be napping c) or drinking, d) flamboyant, e) ladies’ man (or so he thinks. let’s be honest, he could get this), f) f l i r t y, g) stylish (i’m totally calling myself stylish, fuck you), h) but will totally get down to business when necessary. like jushiro, he’s loyal to his friends also for the aforementioned reasons (treason, rule breaking, etc). shunsui has more going for him than meets the eye. i’ve always secretly hc’d that he suffers with depression despite what his cool demeanor and smooth exterior give off. (i might be projecting myself here)

- aizen. ooh wee ooh. where do i begin? y’all know i have a serious kink for aizen. for so many reasons. and like, tbh i would hate someone like this irl. i mean, pre-defection josh groban aizen i would be thirsting for hardcore, but post-defection noodle head ass aizen i would highkey make vagueposts about on facebook. but since aizen doesn’t exist irl, i can thirst for him Guilt Free™. i guess i need to break this section down into 2 parts? one for josh groban aizen (JGA) and the other for noodle head aizen?the reasons why i love JGA:

A Certified Cutie

polite af

he had that disheveled but kindly professor look about him 

lovable

seemingly would do anything for his subordinates

glasses

sociable

theory: probably based his Captain JGA persona on ukitake

tea

haha now that i’m listing out the reasons why i love JGA, i’m realizing that i like noodle head aizen better.

the reasons why i like noodle head ass aizen:

A Certified Cutie

still polite af, but now with Menace™

a e s t h e t i c s - the hueco mundo clothes, las noches, the eternal night. Good Shit.

aizen is the revolutionary we all know and love. want to take down the current system because the status quo is garbage and corrupt? hell yeah.

kyoka suigetsu. that’s some raw power right there, my dude. has aizen achieved bankai? has he not achieved bankai? can he perform bankai but just doesn’t need to show it because his shikai is powerful as hell? can he not perform bankai and did he trick everyone into thinking he achieved bankai by means of his shikai? who knows!

wants to spank raw the ass of god

entertaining af

snark master supreme

he’s op and 100% nonchalant about it

literally can’t die

the short exchange he had with urahara about “that thing” sealed my love for him even more tbh. aizen is straight up living the See Something, Say Something life. he saw the bigger picture and did something about it, even if that meant he had to take down people in the process. (please don’t send me anon hate for this haha)

that’s about it for aizen. short and sweet, right?

- gin. sarcastic, devoted, mysterious, calculating, sadist, antagonizing, adorable, snake, persimmons, silver. the range of emotions and the thoughts i had with gin went from rage and ‘i hate this fucking guy’ (when we first meet him), to ‘ok he’s alright he’s got ulterior motives’ when he was with aizen post-defection, to finally ‘i love him with all my heart and i would die for this character he is so much more than i thought he was’. because he is! don’t fight me on this. he is a lovely character and has the mark of being well-written based on the emotional changes you go through with him.

- yachiru. lil pink haired spider monkey. small and fierce. goofy as all get out. gives 0 fucks. Roast Master Supreme. Nicknaming Champion. the relationship she shares with kenpachi is so dynamic and wonderful. candy. heads up an association of grown ass women and bosses them around. frivolously spends the association money on food. which, #goals. ain’t scared of nothing. her story is nothing short of amazing.

i wasn’t expecting this to be as long as it did. no thanks to the aizen section.

[memegoat]

the last week

got my first covid vaccine dose and didn't tell my mother ahead of time because i knew her qanon-believing ass would lose it

she attempted to guilt-trip me out of it by crying and saying she was only looking out for my safety etc etc

got back from the shot for her to come in and guilt trip me again that "i can never take this back" etc etc

screaming match between my parents with my mother accusing my dad of almost killing me because apparently i don't have a brain of my own and he's manipulating me into getting the covid vaccine because he's "biased" because his mother died of covid a month ago

called me disgusting for getting the vaccine and she looks at me like i'm a leper now

she basically ignored me for two days

my grandpa called the house and she had to take the call outside so i wouldn't hear her tell him all about me and my dad "disrespecting" her

comes in on thursday and tells me she's "leaving for idaho" (to my grandpa's) in the morning and doesn't tell me why, just goes off about how i "hurt" her that i didn't think i could come to her and discuss if i should get the covid shot even though i'm 23 years old (?) and that we "couldn't have an adult to adult conversation", and that "if i knew what she knew i wouldn't have gotten the shot"

didn't even say bye to either of us just texted my dad while he was out of the house that she was leaving and dipped

is vagueposting about me on facebook that i "shit talk her behind her back" and "have no idea what's going on in the world"

started using the camera in the house to spy on us/listen in on my dad and i's conversations, repeatedly (thinks she's being discreet. is not)

absolutely no contact from her whatsoever since she left

is probably going to divorce my dad over this if she ever comes back so i guess my parent's divorce after 25 years of marriage is all on me :)

[soras-majestic-butt]

alright tumblr i know i vaguepost a lot about life and how i wanna forcefully eject myself off the nearest mountain peak but i never really try to go into details but tonight I AM FEELING EXCEPTIONALLY BITCHY (sorry mobile users)

i. am very stressed. about a great number of things. i have no job, i have no education, i can’t afford an education, my family is falling apart and i feel like i’m having to take sides. i can’t even say that i have my health because i have constant back issues now thanks to my previous job (even though i can’t prove it was them so go off i guess). i’m having to move out of my apartment and go back to my parents’ house to get my medical debt lowered and credit score improved before trying to find a new place to live. (cuz good luck finding an apartment that will rent to you when you got a less than 850 score...)

i have no will or motivation to get out of bed most days. any positive emotion is fleeting at best and most of the time i just feel listless. this is the longest period of depression i’ve ever had and i honestly don’t know if it will lift. my exec dysfunction is at all time high and guilt eats at me every day bc i feel like an ungrateful undeserving festering pile of human waste.

i haven’t attempted to draw anything substantial in months. people are constantly asking me when i’m gonna draw again and it makes me want to break down crying because i don’t know!!! stop asking me!!! i feel bad enough for not drawing as it is!!! i dont need daily reminders that i’m a failure piece of shit okay!!

i feel isolated and lonely even when i’m talking to friends and people. i feel like i’ve fallen down a well in a busy town square and no one can hear me calling for help. just when i think i’m making progress climbing out of the well, i slip and fall back in.

my constant mantra is “what’s the point?”

i’m sick of trying to be nice and kind and courteous, especially to my family. i get lied to, walked on, used and manipulated... i let my brother stay with me last year and he crashed MY CAR (leading me further into debt since insurance only paid off half what i owed thanks bro) and now continuously disrespects me; bringing people over at all hours of the day and night without asking, doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t contribute, wont do anything i ask... he fucking let his friend take MY laptop home with him and I AM SO PISSED OFF ABOUT IT I COULD CRY AND SCREAM. 

“but jess why dont you just kick him out?” astute observation! because i have the confrontational capacity of an orangutan’s toenail. a lifetime of growing up with an alcoholic dad has rendered me unable to stand up for myself, as i shut down as soon as anyone starts yelling at me! i hate it! :D

i feel like a failure because i’ll be thirty this year and i don’t have a partner, don’t have kids (or anything to show for having a lack of kids), haven’t met any of my goals in life, only have an 11 year old GED and no college experience for jobs... what’s the point? what’s the fucking point??

and like. ive internalized so much of this and feel so fucking stupid and weak for bitching about any of this on a website.. i feel like i’m 14 again bitching about my life’s issues before i even realized what adult issues even were.

alright i’m done. i guess i just needed to get this off my chest. if you read this far, congrats. i don’t want sympathy messages and lots of “there there”s or anything, this is strictly just.. venting.

[dangerous-disposition]

like this isn’t a vague at anyone rly bc i see this a lot so pls pls pls do not take this as a vaguepost i’m not even mad, just tired i guess?

but like in ffxv it doesn’t matter how much of a time jump happens between altissia and the train scene like......grieving isn’t something you can just turn off. like MAYBE if there was a YEAR between the battle and the train, i can see SOME of gladio’s frustration but i mean.....it’s like two weeks.

if someone told me two weeks after my dad died in front of me to get over it, i would probably have stabbed them in the throat, no matter the context or stakes but like

idk that’s my personal opinion as someone experiencing grief.

like this is a game where noctis is given zero time or room to process his grief, first about his father, then about luna, and then about ignis being gravely injured on his behalf.

and in one scene gladio literally throws ALL OF THAT in his face.

and like, i’m sorry guys that’s AT THE VERY LEAST super toxic to do to someone who’s grieving, if not outright abusive.

and idk maybe i’m projecting on the game too much bc it was a major coping mechanism for me while my dad was dying, and i feel rly connected to Noct in his despondency after Altissia and like i said, if anyone had told me to get over it that soon after i had lost my dad, i would have cut them out of my life so fast. like idk.

i’m coming at this from the point of view of someone grieving a loss and what gladio did.........was fucked up. regardless of the situation.

and even ASIDE FROM THAT like, his comments about iggy that entire chapter are DISGUSTING and his constant yelling and passive aggressive sniping at Noctis is AWFUL. Again, AT BEST, toxic.

[accidental-memory]

Vagueposting time I guess.

I had a female friend, who I have known for a long time. You will not learn her identity from me beyond this; that'd be shitty. This post is long.

JULY We had not spoken much in a long time, and it had been even longer since we'd seen each other in person. She was sending me photos of where she lives now (which, where she lives now is awesome), and I was gushing about how beautiful the scenery is. Then I asked: Me: "with apologies, would it be weird to ask if I could see your face?"

Her: "No but it's not great!" And then she sends a single photo of her face.

Our conversation continued for awhile after she sent the selfie. I thought nothing more of it.

AUGUST We have another conversation. She stops the conversation to say the following:

Her: "I just have to stop for a second and tell u. I like talking to you, as a friend. But my husband did get mad when sent you a picture and I do have to make sure u understand I’m happily married and just feel like [[context of how we know each other]] and we have that bond of all having that same ridiculous experience, I feel bonded to them. But u have to understand that this is fully platonic and I can never send another picture or anything like that."

Okay. This as you can see is her setting a boundary. That's fine; great, even! More people should be that open about their boundaries!

But also, I want you to notice the part where she says her husband *got mad* that she sent me a picture of her face. This raised some red flags for me, and I wanted to make sure she was okay:

Me: "Like.. 'that picture' was just you chilling at your house; I wasn't trying to read anything into it. Past experiences aside, frankly, it's just nice to see a friend. That said, I find it alarming when people don't let their significant others be a person with other people if they're the gender their partner would otherwise be interested in; and I feel dutybound to say that out loud."

Her: "No I def know that and so I don’t think we are inappropriate at all but later when I thought about 'how would I feel if he had done that?' I realized I wouldn’t have liked it either. I’m allowed to talk to and do what i want, which is why I do, but I also think feelings are valid. I don’t at all judge other people’s lifestyles. If they are polyamorous, anything people want to do between consenting adults that’s not exploitative I am completely fine with. But I entered into a traditional marriage with eyes wide open to what I was doing and so I did need to clear that up before I kept talking to you."

Me: "<3 understood"

I feel like this was a very good, productive moment. But I want to know... did I miss something? This sounds like a perfectly reasonable adult conversation to me. I let her know that what she had just said was concerning to me. She told me not to be worried. So I said I understood. The boundary is thus set, and we can move on with our lives and continue being friends, yes?

SEPTEMBER: I send her a wild story from the Riverfront Times. She responds that I should keep an eye out for another story that she is interested in. Talked for a few minutes, went on our ways.

OCTOBER: I mention I went and looked around to see if I could find details on the news story she wanted me to look out for, and shared what I'd found; but it wasn't related to what she was trying to find. Talked for a few minutes, went on our ways.

JANUARY: I send her a couple of funny photos of a frog, and a link to my New Years Cabin photo album. She does not respond.

FEBRUARY: I tell her about a shitty thing my dad emailed me lionizing Clarence Thomas. She does not respond.

APRIL: I show her a couple of photos of a bizarre stuffed-dog-pillow that was left in a basket outside the laundromat just as the pandemic was hitting. She responds: "Put it on [[facebook group for weird stuff]] !"

MAY: I send her a funny webcomic. She does not respond.

YESTERDAY: I send her a message telling her about how I've spent the last 30 minutes bawling my eyes out because I watched the collage of police violence in the latest Some More News episode about the riots: "my nerves are fuckin' frayed. I'm so angry. And the only thing I can do is talk about it."

TODAY: She responds: " Adam I don’t know how to be more clear after essentially ignoring your messages for months. So I’ll be blunt. Women in general, and me in particular, are not on the planet to emotionally labor for you. It sounds like you need a therapist. I’m guessing you will say you can’t afford one but that doesn’t oblige me to do it for free.

After I placed a boundary with you, received a lecture about how I’m in an unhealthy relationship because it has boundaries, realized you’re just another male who is going to be mad and throw a fit when he doesn’t get what he wants from a woman, I honestly lost interest in talking to you altogether. So if you were under the impression I’m a bird in a cage not being allowed to, that’s false. I got nothing out of sending you a photograph, aside from avoiding the discomfort at having to say “no.” It wasn’t something I’m over here DYING to do until my Neanderthal husband said “no way!!!” Your reaction to a normal boundary threw up a thousand red flags for me and I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

We are all sick over what’s happening in the US right now. I’m sure you can find someone else to discuss this with. "

...................What did I miss? Like, genuinely, if I'm in the wrong about something here, tell me. I don't understand what brought this on!

Stop reading here if you don't want my opinions or interpretations or any of my expounded confusions.

I don't want to sit here and tell you how to feel about this message to me. You can make up your own mind. But I'm going to express how I feel about this.

1. We talked intermittently for years. Not responding to me is no indication that you're ignoring me; it means you're busy. Plenty of other friends of mine have that kind of communication style.

2. We had lengthy conversations between me stating my concerns and this moment. We had intermittent conversations too. How would this have ever been an indication that you were upset?

3. Fucking... you were my friend! I wanted to talk to my FRIEND about a hard time I was having, and now I'm literally having chest pains because I'm being accused of... what? Being manipulative?

4. What do you say in response to being called manipulative? Cuz like. Anything I say is immediately going to be called manipulative! That's infuriating!

5. I didn't say your husband was a Neanderthal. I said that what you said was concerning. I don't even know the guy! In fact, that's part of why it's concerning; if the only thing I know about him is that he GOT MAD AT YOU FOR SENDING SOMEONE A PHOTO, then yeah I think I'm absolutely in the right to make sure that you're not in a fucking abusive relationship! I've had friends in abusive relationships before and that's exactly the shit they'd say to me. It's not an accusation; it's an invitation for help if the situation is actually bad, which you said it isn't, and I took your word for, said as much, and never brought it up again.

6. What do you mean, "angry that I'm not doing what you want?" I know of precisely two things I've ever asked of her in my entire life: that one single photo of her face for which I had no intention of asking another, and advice as to how to get makeup out of your clothes (I still have no idea why there was makeup in my pants leg, either).

7. I did not have an "impression" of you being "a bird locked in a cage." You said something alarming, and I confirmed with you that it was actually fine, and that was all it ever had to be!

I don't know what else to say on the matter. My heart hurts. I saw this message pop up while I was in the middle of a tutoring session. I was like, "Oh, she responded! I hope we can commiserate for a moment so I can feel like this is even remotely normal ....... Oh. ....oh, what??"

I'm absolutely certain someone on my timeline knows even from any of this who I am talking about; she may have even talked to them about it. I'm not really interested in the gossip. I'm not even looking for advice. She's blocked me; the friendship is over, however much that hurts to say. But like. If you have actual fucking light to shed on it, that'd be nice. But also. Not right now.

I don't want to talk to anyone right now. I had to hold it together through several hours of tutoring. I'm fucking hurt and I need some time to heal.

[boba-t-butch]

ive let more people i know irl follow me here so i try not to get into too much detail about my family situation. and ive recently realized a big part of that was conditioning from my parents where they trained me not to tell people abt stuff at home but that's probably to protect themselves from looking like the shit parents they are.

so anyway ima just write this out and i guess i'll delete later if i feel too exposed but its irritating to keep vagueposting or holding myself back on my own blog. also if you know me irl idc if u wanna talk to me abt this id be fine with it. but like dont treat me with delicacy or pity cuz i fukn hate that.

so my dad has bipolar disorder and he's been arrested/ hospitalized for it multiple times throughout my life because he doesnt like staying medicated. he was off his meds for a while and became unemployed almost as a direct result. when i went home over winter break, i recognized that he was becoming more emotionally volatile and was nearing a manic episode.

i understand how medication for bipolar disorder can negatively impact a person's quality of life and i recognize that my dad has the autonomy to choose whether or not to be medicated. but i also feel that when he is unmedicated, he cannot fulfill his responsibilities to me (and my 14 year old sister) as a father. and now that i'm an adult, i also have the autonomy to choose the relationships i maintain in my life. so i decided, even while i was home over winter break, to stop speaking to my dad if he was going to be off his medication.

the subsequent semester, i did not keep in contact with my family and managed to find a way to stay at my college campus over the summer so i wouldn't need to go home. my older sister is an ex-military republican redneck married to a white trump supporter, my little sister is p chill but she used to pass on any info of my life she could find to my parents, and my mom is an extremely emotionally manipulative/abusive alien conspiracy theorist bible thumper. so i just kinda don't keep in touch with any of them if i can help it.

this summer, my dad went manic and intentionally smashed his pickup truck into another car that had people in it. he put his car in reverse and smashed into them again twice. he'd gotten into an argument with my sister and wanted to show her what she made him do by not listening to him/ disrespecting him.

he was arrested for criminal mischief, criminal assault, and assault with a deadly weapon. at this point, i reached out to my other family members to express support and concern. this kind of thing has happened before, we all saw it coming, we all know if he doesn't take meds it's just a matter of time before it happens again.

i encouraged my mom to divorce my dad and take a portion of his assets (bc she has no education and no source of income) so that she can take my little sister somewhere safe and raise her in a stable environment. i told my older sister she doesnt owe it to him to do him any favors when he's knowingly disrupted her life so much. she currently has a newborn child at home with health complications to worry about as well, so it's not her responsibility to clean up his mess, even if he is mentally ill.

instead, my sister convinced a judge to drop all of my dads charges, send him home to my mom and sister, and his main consequence is just that he's court-mandated to take his medication for a few years (i have no clue how). my mom says she owes him too much so she's staying with him and even leaves him home alone extensively with my younger sister. he has continued to take everything my older sister and mom do for him for granted, even continuing to accuse them for making him go manic by not understanding him enough.

i have continued to refuse contact with my dad, though i'm trying to be there for my little sister more. my older sister and i are trying to navigate how to have a relationship as well. my mom though... my mom is now trying to use me as an emotional crutch because i express sympathy for her bc i know she's in a tough situation. but i also feel like she's neglecting her duty as a mother by not protecting my sister more and that she shouldn't be coming to me for this support when she's been a terrible mother to me. lately she sought reassurance from me because she was feeling worthless and depressed and i havent responded at all, which makes me feel cruel and guilty. but i also refuse to play that role for her.

there's a lot of other random shit happening in my life rn too but honestly im too tired to deal with any of it. im too tired to try to navigate complex interpersonal relationships that hardly matter when im already trying so hard to figure out my family situation.

[karanan]

I had a good time up north in Ostrobothnia, good food, good company (mostly).

Some less fun shit: Dad went to an online message board to shitpost about being disappointed in me after our FB argument, which is hilarious because clearly I got to him. He also vagueposted on FB about me, spewing rather fascist-sounding garbage and patting himself on the back for standing up to... people saying white privilege (or just privilege in general) is a thing I guess. To be fair, dear father, I’m shitposting about you too. Talked to mum and she apparently told dad (on the same message board) that maybe today’s youth have better things to do than argue with their dads on FB all day on Midsummer’s Eve. I’d be happy she had my back if my bro and I didn’t then enter an argument with her about the same goddamn thing and she got really dang defensive about it. Ironic considering what she said she wrote to dad. Fun times when she denied her straight/cis privilege to her bisexual trans son’s face, so that hurt a whole fuck of a lot. She’s also deciding to stay with her terrible husband despite the damage he’s done and like that’s fine, she’s an adult, but it means I’m going to keep her at arm’s length for the rest of my/her/his life I guess. I used to be sad for her because she deserves better but it seems she really made her choice and it feels like I lost something.

TL;DR: my friends are the best and I love them dearly. My parents are liberal trash. They just do not get the point no matter how simple you try to make it. They raised us to think independently, so joke’s on them. Thank fuck I haven’t lived with or had a lot of contact with either of them since I was 19.

WTB new parents

[teambfalcon]

I am happy. Sometimes my brain forgets that. But then I watch shows with lots of drama and tragedy and I remember how good my life is.

Unfortunately, I have Obsessive Love Disorder. I am neurologically addicted to love. Until recently I had looked at addiction as something that only happened to people who did avoidable things, like drugs and alcohol. I guess this was sort of my comeuppance for that.

I have been engaged seven times and handfasted twice. In between those disastrous relationships, my life has been a series of flings and, well, pining after someone I can't have. The pining started when I was seven. The actual, physical heart troubles started when I was 20. Then came respiratory problems.

There's a lot I could blame. My dad and grandma for telling me what men want (I was AFAB and present as femme unless my brain is actively screaming at me not to) and expecting me to live up to it, and for instilling me with the idea that because I was born different, it'll be harder for someone to love me. My failure to develop proper eating and exercise habits. My brain for not letting me just ACT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON in social situations and scaring everyone away. Everyone for leaving me and giving me all these trust issues.

But blame isn't really productive, and I wasn't raised to be a quitter. Well... The way I was raised was actually highly problematic, but you'll get to know that as you get to know me. But anyway, nowadays I just kind of drift along in relationships, taking it as far as the other person wants to. I can't be celibate because I don't want them to hate me and leave. I can't ask questions or inquire about labels because I don't want them to get defensive or think I'm clingy. (I am, by the way. Super clingy. My ex-husband's dad nicknamed me "Crazy Bitch", which is super creative because it's not like people haven't been calling me that all my life 😂😂) So I just float along and hope "this one will call me again, this one will come back," while holding onto an obsession over someone else as a safety net.

Because if I'm "in love" with someone else, I won't get attached or be clingy or any of those things that "men don't like". And if I start randomly shaking and crying on the bus, out of nowhere, because my asshole brain reminded me of my last ex-boyfriend who convinced me to leave my emotionally abusive husband and then strung me along and then blocked my friends, stopped talking to me, and unfriended me on social media without a word when I began to lean on him, it's OKAY because think of how much worse it could be. I've got a home and a job and a roof over my head and access to a variety of food I actually like and a shower I can use anytime I want, unlike when I was married. And I don't have a missing son or violent stalker or any of that TV drama stuff (which I realise happens IRL but, leave me alone, I'm ranting).

My life is SO GOOD and I'm SO LUCKY and I have the BEST BOSS & COWORKERS & SIBLING and i have mediocre talent at a variety of things (which I'm told is better than being the best in THE WORLD at one thing and sucking at everything else).

but I have the WORST taste in men, and because of the way my brain is, I can't stop obsessing for very long. I'm taking a break from Facebook for a while because watching my current crush and his ex-wife vaguepost nastily about me pushed me to an off-schedule suicidal ideation (usually ideations happen every couple of weeks or so), and my so-called """friends""" are either "too busy" or "uncomfortable" because of who the subject of my current obsession IS and the fact that no matter how much his former stepdaughter tries to deter me, everything she says about him just reminds me of me when I was 15 and I have no one to really talk to because everyone has stuff going on and my sibling is the most kind and supportive person EVER but she also has stuff going on and i feel guilty because I haven't been able to switch gears and take a real interest.

I should be happy, but I'm miserable. I have a distinct responsibility NOT to die because of all the projects and my boss depends on me, she practices special needs law and that's a niche in my locale, and the firm is SO small and it takes SO much time to train a new person and plus, I'm like 90% sure I'm her pet autistic.

and then there's the show sibling and I are working on. I can't just quit life and leave all the work for her. She would probably be too upset to even touch it and then that's years of planning and personal catharsis and social education gone to waste. Then there's the crafts -- I made a promise and I can't break it and i *will* get these items to the people i promised--

but if I didn't have such a high sense of responsibility and fear of failure even beyond the grave, I would have given in by now. Actually, I've tried. I'm not very good at dying. I guess it's okay to be bad at some stuff, though

even if James and Kristina would be 9001% celebrating getting me out of their hair forever with my pesky fun facts and political opinions (which are in line with their beliefs but a little better informed) and my habit of talking too much

anyway the point is, I'm happy, now if only my brain could remember.

[teenagerwithinternet]

hey, its time to do this again

a lot has happened. im 18, compared to the 14 (13?) year old i was when i started this.

shit. im gonna have to change the name since im not going to be a teen in two years.

oh well.

i matched with this one girl on my school i had been eyeing on tinder some time ago. talked a bit on tinder, she added me on facebook to continue with it on messenger instead. we talked a bit there, i think i had a good impression, but she ghosted me. i wasnt really that invested in it so i was like okay, i ghost people for no reason but "i dont feel like it" all the time.

second time rolls around, a month ago i'd say. we match on tinder again, and i really didnt want it to end like the previous time so i just immediately hit her with "pizza at my place + some vinyls next sat?" and she was really optimistic about it, told me that she looked forward to it etc etc etc

the date went incredibly well. i feel like we hit off well, again. at this point id gotten pretty invested in it, daydreamed about what we were going to do next, how i would proceed, how i wouldnt fuck it up and learn from my past mistakes. our plans for a graveyard date were cancelled since she was hospitalized (felt too private to ask why, but she said she would be perfectly 100% fine). she gets out of her 3 day visit and then

silence

i dont know why this affected me so much. we met once. we talked very little since she, in her own words, is terrible at answering. it really shouldn'tve. but yet im sitting here all melancholic after crying a bit.

i've also been thinking about sex a lot lately and how it fucks me up. (one thing i probably havent mentioned is that im incredibly uncomfortable with my biological sex, but not quite comfortable as a girl either. so i guess im non binary). i love sex, i am in great terms with my sexuality, my kinks, my dos and donts, but as soon as i imagine myself there, i get appalled. there is quite nothing as disgusting as the thought of me penetrating someone with my parts, something in addition to the regular turning away mirrors when showering, tucking it in to hide my bulge etc.

despite that, i am quite happy with where i am right now. i present as pretty androgynous as i presently am, something i am very content with. what worries me is the recent thought that, without any intervention, i will grow into an old mans body. i will become my 7 year older brother, or my dad, and i will not be able to be who i want to be.

so i thought that i need to get some therapy sooner or later. i dont know where to start, just somewhere.

oh, and im going to a halloween party with the girl this friday. i've decided to respect her decision and not approach her (but im open to the idea of talking to her there again).

she has also followed my main tumblr for over a year without knowing me funnily enough. on her tumblr however, there have been a lot of "boys are a fuck" vagueposts which might be the reason or whatever. i dont really want to care (even though i do).

see ya in a year