#uwill just have to Wait

[superbellsubways]

if i wasnt out of drawing motivation today you probably wouldve gotten some robot blood and guts and death. sad! well theres other drawing days

[bts-ficrecs]

So I’ve read quite a lot of stories ever since my re-entering the fanfic community (after 3420 years) and I’ve reblogged a lot of them to remember and recommend as well. And of course, like with all things, there are some special ones that slithered their way into the crevices of my heart. These are the stories that my mind comes back to every once in a while. These are the stories that made me laugh, cry, yell, and blush - all times 3000. Yes I went there. Cry with me.

These are the stories I hold dear :“) I hope anyone who happens upon this post enjoys the stories I listed below just as much as I did (and still do).

I will update whenever I find a new favorite!! :”) Also be forewarned, there are over 40 fics under the cut 😅😂❤

➢ Butterfingers by @seokkbuns ⠀ ✎ Summary: He had you at the very first pebble he gave you. ⠀ ▸ fluff, hybrid AU, teacher AU ⠀⸙ notes: i. swear. to. glob. this. is. the. most. ADORABLE. STORY YOU WILL EVER READ !!!!!!!111111 I am absolutely smitten and refuse to shut up about it!!! Just. GO READ IT!!!! Cute and clumsy teacher!! Who loves kids!! I just cannot deal.

➢ Duck and Cover by @versigny ⠀✎ Summary: There were two things you never dreamed would become your biggest worries with your new job: Kim Namjoon, and that god damn camera. ⠀ ▸ fluff, idol AU ⠀⸙ notes: absolute fluff. minor angst. secret relationships~~ ooh la la

➢ For All The Petals by @rosaetae ⠀✎ Summary: A story in which you met him in the spring, fell in love with him in the summer, but he left you in autumn and how you missed him in the winter. ⠀⠀▸ angst ⠀⸙ notes: AUHGHHAKJGRL you don't know how many tears i spilled reading this. does soft heart ache even exist???!? like. it wasn't a punch-in-your-gut kind of attack but more like a i’ll-tell-you-i-love-you-every-day-and-then-disappear-forever like of attack..... hahahaha wow now that i think about it, that hurts even more than a punch in the gut. lmao. good luck with the emotions when you read this!

➢ Intro: Her by @jamaisjoons​ ⠀✎ Summary: You enter Namjoon’s life in the most unexpected of ways, but will you be able to stay, especially when he comes with three adorable but chaotic children, even more chaotic best friends and a bitch of an ex-wife? Not to mention your own emotional baggage. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, smut, ongoing series ⠀⸙ notes: I fell in love with the characters and the story line so fast. And so will you.

➢ Obligated by @underthejoon ⠀✎ Summary: Married by obligation, weighed down by circumstance. Except for those nights when you’re both drunk, falling into bed with one another and realizing you’re human. Occasionally this happens, occasionally you fuck. Until your life changes and you realize Namjoon, the very man you’re obligated to, might just be the very man that you crave. ⠀⠀▸ angst, smut, fluff, arranged marriage AU

➢ Out of The Ordinary by @njhsmoon ⠀✎ Summary: One of your mage students is extremely gifted and her human father is beyond overwhelmed so you take it upon yourself to tutor her outside of school. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, mage AU, teacher AU, single parent AU ⠀⸙ notes: SOBS. I JUST. I LOVE THIS TOO MUCH. can you imagine a human Namjoon extremely overwhElmed with his magical little girl with no one to help him!! and then a magical woman teacher appears and! saves the day!! and his life!! askjfaef YO UWILL LOVE THIS I RPOMISE YOU. OK OK ALSO THERE’S A DRABBLE FOR THIS CUTE ASS FIC!!! READ IT!!!!!

➢ Pages of Petals by @sodoyouknowbts ⠀✎ Summary: A change in the weather stirs a sweet encounter between a florist and a bookshop owner, where one begins to learn the language of flowers. ⠀⠀▸ fluff ⠀⸙ notes: soft namjoon + flowers. what more could you ask for? asaskdjflka <333333

➢ The Take Home Test by @versigny ⠀✎ Summary: In which your mission to deliver homework to Kim Namjoon goes very, very, wrong. ⠀⠀⠀➥ 3 extra drabbles ⠀⠀▸ dirty smut, college AU ⠀⸙ notes: IT'S DIRTY. BEWARE THE ARMPITS.

➢ Through the Phone by @imaginethisbts ⠀✎ Summary: The sexual frustration is real when Namjoon goes on a month long business trip, halfway across the world. So when the chips are down and the tides get rough, and you can’t actually get to one another… what do you do? You go to the next best thing of course - phone sex. ⠀⠀▸ smut, smidgen of fluff ⠀⸙ notes: i’ll just say one thing. and that is that i love it when random moments of fluffy romance happens after the dirty :”)

➢ Tigerboy by @joonbird​ ⠀✎ Summary: You, a docile rabbit hybrid, have been waiting a long time to meet the mysterious tiger hybrid, Kim Namjoon. ⠀⠀▸ smut, hybrid AU

➢ Try Me by @jjkfire​ ⠀✎ Summary: You wanted nothing more than to leave behind your old self when you graduated from high school and moved on to college to play rugby but when you see your high school classmate, resident fuckboy and captain, Kim Namjoon, at the rugby department orientation, you feel like everything might fall apart. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, rugby AU, ongoing series

➢ By Your Side by @sodoyouknowbts ⠀✎ Summary: Jin is somewhat arrogant, overly confident and a tease. All the things you find infuriating in a man and he also happens to be your roommate. It’s a wonder how you two can live together without killing each other…but it’s not like you’re anything more than friends. Right? ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, smut, roommate AU, complete series ⠀⸙ notes: UM. this was so incredibly amazing and heart wrenching and frustrating to read. hahahaha. the friendship dynamic that changed over time throughout this series was incredible to read. both characters had a lot of growing up to do and grow up they did. i enjoyed every moment of it.

➢ Edge of Tomorrow by @thedefinitionofbts​

���✎ Summary: No matter the amount of rain that falls, what the unrelenting darkness erases, or how many times we are reverted back to the past, I’ll definitely save you. ⠀⠀▸ angst

➢ Ephemeral by @donewithjeon ⠀✎ Summary: As your eyes fluttered open, you were met with a familiar white ceiling and the sound of steady beeping coming from beside you. A quick scan of the surroundings confirmed your suspicions—you were in a hospital room. ⠀⠀▸ ANGST, patient AU ⠀⸙ notes: I almost never reread things much less sob each time that I do. I wish I was exaggerating lmao this fic makes me such a crybaby. It's great. I love pain <|:o)))) [insert clown meme]

➢ Let Me Be Yours by @glassbangtan​ ⠀✎ Summary: How did people just get into relationships? Friends getting married at such young ages, inviting you to weddings left, right and centre – it definitely left room for you to feel like shit about your own love life. After getting stood up, you decide to treat yourself – and it is during this coping-shopping spree that you come across a fellow lonely person like yourself, Kim Seokjin. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff ⠀⸙ notes: This fic just... hits a different way than all the others listed here. I relate a lot to this story. That’s all I can really say. This is special to me.

➢ Long Live The King by @remembeo​ ⠀✎ Summary: Long live the King, and may he reign forever more. ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, fluff, fantasy AU, prince AU

➢ Off Limits by @floralseokjin ⠀✎ Summary: You’ve been lusting after your brother’s best friend for a while now, ever since you met him at a house party, flirting it up a storm as you failed to realise who the other was. That was months ago now and things are still awkward, but you can’t ignore the sexual tension that’s simmers between the two of you…and it keeps getting worse… ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, fluff, complete series ⠀⸙ notes: you want PAIN? you want NASTY? you want FUZZIES? this series has got it ALL i tell you!!!!! adfhklafh yeah. i . yeah. do yourself a favor and just read it.

➢ Sehnsucht by @johobi​ ⠀✎ Summary: An embarrassing run-in with your new boss is only the start of your destructive infatuation. ⠀⠀▸ smut ⠀⸙ notes: W H E W !!!!!111 

➢ Seven Seconds in Heaven by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: In the moment of your death, Heaven drops the hammer of punishment; making him travel back in time to relive memories that can never be changed. Seven memories. Seven minutes in each. Seven seconds before they are ripped away. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, little bit of smut ⠀⸙ notes: WOW. YEAH. TALK ABOUT GETTING A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE. UUMMMM. I don't want to say anything else in case I spill the beans so I'll leave it at that. Read it.

➢ The Leather Loafers by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: Yes. You went to the ball. Yes. You ran into the prince. Yes. The shoe fits. BUT-! You aren’t that Cinderella bitch. THEY’VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON! ⠀⠀▸ fluff, Cinderella AU ⠀⸙ notes: yeah...there's some crack involved but c'mon. it's Jin we're talking about. minor angst. Great adventure :")) 

  ➢ Untimely Confessions by @jjungkooked ⠀✎ Summary: Your friendly neighbor finds his way into your (very unsocial) heart. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, neighbor AU ⠀⸙ notes: CUTE NEIGHBOR AU WHat more can I say TTT0TTT

➢ Untitled by @oh-hey-tae ⠀✎ Summary: It's been a week since you last talked, three since you saw him in person. You miss him terribly... so you call him despite your nerves. ⠀⠀▸ fluff ⠀⸙ notes: when i first read this, i was in incredible need for a soft jin fic. and this was it. this is it. an incredibly soft jin fic. giving him. ALL. THE. LOVE. HE. DESERVES.

➢ Burn by @dreamscript ⠀✎ Summary: Love is a powerful force; You and Yoongi defy nature itself and burn down the barriers. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fantasy AU ⠀⸙ notes: don't let the short length mistake you into thinking it's not gonna hurt. because. it's. gonna. HURT .

➢ Cobalt and Charcoal by @tayegi​ ⠀✎ Summary: In just ten minutes, he has ruined everything that you and Yoongi have worked for in the past year. It's terrifying to realize that a stranger could have such an impact on you so quickly... except he's no stranger. He's your other half. The only person who will ever own your heart. ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, soulmate AU, feat. Jungkook

➢ Intoxicating by @versigny ⠀✎ Summary: You go clubbing and get drunk to spite your annoying, stonecold roommate. ⠀⠀▸ angsty fluff, roommate AU ⠀⸙ notes: se xual  tens ion + drunken mistakes. that's all i gotta say.

➢ Jilt by @taesthetes​ ⠀✎ Summary: Forever was only temporary. ⠀⠀▸ angst ⠀⸙ notes: don’t underestimate short fics. 

➢ Koi No Yokan by @oh-hey-tae ⠀✎ Summary: The boy on the bus could work on his bedside manners. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, idol AU ⠀⸙ notes: discovering this fic was an absolute MIRACLE. i swear to glob. i'm so glad i went hunting for this fic after finding out the person i originally read it from was an imposter. and then i got to shower the true writer with loving words. and this story definitely deserves so many loving words.

➢ Miss Dial by @versigny ⠀✎ Summary: [11:31] You: okay so i’m texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting yoongi and telling him how badly i want his cock tonight. Arent you proud? [11:32] unknown number: this is yoongi, hi ⠀⠀▸ smut, fluff, university AU, ongoing series ⠀⸙ notes: //CCOOUGGHHSSS// THIS. This is the fic. My baby. I'm so freaking attached. This. Is the story that basically started it all for me. I had only just started dipping my toes back into the world of fanfics when I encountered this. And wow did I get pulled in so quickly. It holds title for many firsts. I have so much affection for this series and I will for sure shed a lot of tears when it ends. My forever favorite. I love you Kappy and Nat for having brought this to life.

➢ Monochrome by @chimchimicorn ⠀✎ Summary: The world is black and white until you meet your true love. ⠀⠀▸ angst, soulmate AU ⠀⸙ notes: this is not a Tumblr fic but a story posted on ARMY Amino (ARA). No worries, you don’t need an account to read it! ⠀⸙ notes: it will hurt. 

➢ Play With Me by @thatonegirl ⠀✎ Summary: Your world is breaking and you and Yoongi struggle to push through the pain. ⠀⠀▸ angst ⠀⸙ notes: another story found on ARA

➢ Please Be Naked by @floralseokjin​ ⠀✎ Summary: You find it’s easy to become addicted to a distraction… ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, fluff, complete series

➢ Candy Hearts by @puppetwritings​ ⠀✎ Summary: He starts dropping candy hearts on your desk. ⠀⠀▸ fluff

➢ Delicate by @bluesxde ⠀✎ Summary: After being effectively dumped by your fuck-buddy, your attention is unexpectedly drawn towards your womanizing friend and fellow dance major, Hoseok. ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, fluff, college AU, fuckboy/fuckgirl AU, friends with benefits AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: what a ride. *wink wonk* i loved on this story so much. i have a weak spot for fwb!AUs. and y/n constantly trying to! pull! him! in! and! him! constantly! trying! to! resist! the danger. the fun. spicy~ i love this story so very much.

➢ Fetish by @versigny ⠀✎ Summary: Hoseok is the sweetest boyfriend. Even in bed. But you want him to be more dominant. So you tell him. ⠀⠀▸ fluffy smut ⠀⸙ extra notes: the fluff is so overpowering I barely paid attention to the sex. But the sex was still great 👀

➢ Misconceptions by @yoongihime​ ⠀✎ Summary: In which your roommate bails out on you last minute and you’re forced to share an apartment with this gorgeous a f human but, no worries, he’ll never see you that way… right? ⠀⠀▸ fluff ⠀⸙ notes: s e x u a l  t e n s i o n .

➢ Transference by @jeonjagiya ⠀✎ Summary: During a routine visit to the local bakery, you stumble upon an intriguing business card and figure, what the hell. ⠀⠀▸ smut, angst, therapist AU, complete series ⠀⸙ extra notes: the Hoseok series that took BTS Tumblr by storm, lol. And for good reason!! The character development!! The rawness and vulnerability from both characters! The naughty goodness! Just wowowow, a great Hoseok series that definitely deserves the hype it received :')))

➢ Written on Our Veins by @army-author ⠀✎ Summary: You and Hoseok are sick of spending the holidays soulmate-less while your friends enjoy Christmas as couples… tired of waiting for fate to make a move, you decide to take matters into your own hands. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, soulmate AU, complete series ⠀⸙ extra notes: if you want a story that will give you lovely feels and then RIP IT AWAY FROM YOU only to give it back (with extra goodies), this is the story for you :") I absolutely enjoyed watching Hoseok and Y/N get themselves into what they thought would be innocent fun for the holidays only to find out that maybe... it wasn’t such a good idea... but maybe it was? :”)))))

➢ Azure Blue by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: You set off on a journey only to be joined by Jimin: the boy with elegant, azure blue wings. ⠀⠀▸ fluff

➢ Beneath the Water by @jungshookz ⠀✎ Summary: His legs were sparkling. You looked up from his face slowly and towards his legs, your head tilting in confusion when you were met with the sight of… well, it certainly wasn’t a pair of legs. What the fuck? ⠀⠀▸ fluff, smidgen of smut, mermaid AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: I think this was my first mermaid AU?@?@?@ but oh my goossshhhhh asdfj;alje yeah. that’s all I can really say. I’m in love with mermaid Jimin. I thirst for morrre from this AU afaaa;kls don’t mind me as I spazz all over my keyboard once more :’))))

➢ Cordially, Jimin by @kpopfanfictrash​ ⠀✎ Summary: When you start work in your new office, the last thing you expect is a distraction. Especially not one as cute, witty and impossible to handle as Park Jimin. A story told through correspondence. ⠀⠀▸ fluff

➢ Desires by @nightbts​ ⠀✎ Summary: It wasn’t your place to worry for him, you shouldn’t, it wasn’t good for you. But since the day you saw him that hurt, you couldn’t help it. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, bad boy AU ⠀⸙ notes:

➢ The Blue Notebooks by @inktae ⠀✎ Summary: You meet Park Jimin after a particularly rough landing. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, time traveler AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: I didn't think a fanfic could affect me so much. Even now as I write this, without having to reread to refresh my mind, my heart thumps painfully. It feels like I only read this a few days ago. It's one of those stories that doesn't rip your entire heart out in one go but slowly tears a few slivers out and continues to do so even when you're done reading. The pain is never ending. No, no one dies. No, there isn't an ugly break up. It's one of those "what if" stories. To me, anyway. I can't reveal anything more or else I'll spill the story lol I don't know what's up with this fic. But I'm never ok when I think about this story. My rambling doesn't do this story justice. Just read it.

➢ Away From the Sun by @inktae ⠀✎ Summary: You leave your home in search of your brother.. in search of answers.. but you end up making a slight detour. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, soulmate AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: this was. a. journey. i kid you not. 20k story. i lived every moment of this - that's how good the story is. i felt the respect and fondness y/n felt for the eccentric taehyung. i felt the confusion of the "what next?" phase in y/n's life. i felt that hard. an amazing story beyond romance.

➢ Amaranthine by @rainwards​ ⠀✎ Summary: In which the sun loved the moon so much that it died every night just to let it breathe. ⠀⠀▸ angst, reincarnation AU ⠀⸙ notes: :-)))))))))))))) don’t read if you donut wanna be SAd.

➢ Give Me Your Hands (I Will Pick the Stars for You) by mindheist ⠀✎ Summary: I miss you like the moon misses the sun, destined to chase you until the end of time. ⠀⠀▸ angst, historical fantasy AU, feat. Jungkook ⠀⸙ notes: ur heart will heart. i can promise u that.

➢ laser tag AU by @kpopfanfictrash ⠀✎ Summary: You go laser tagging with the boys and come face to face with Taehyung. ⠀⠀▸ s e x u a l  t e n s i o n but it's PG ⠀⸙ extra notes: I have never been so invested in a drabble I swear. The amount of times I've fantasized about this lasertag!Taehyung and Y/N's story is almost embarrassing to admit, hahaha.

➢ Rent-A-Boyfriend by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: Are YOU lonely? Need someone to cuddle at night? Do you want love? If you said ‘yes’ to any of the questions previously mentioned then we have a service for you! RENT-A-BOYFRIEND TODAY! ⠀⠀▸ F L U F F

➢ Seoksanhwa by @gukyi​ ⠀✎ Summary: May you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Watch your back, keep to the wall. Always be ready to attack. Do not let your guard down, for it will be the last thing you ever do. The game of love is cruel and treacherous, the obstacles high and the stakes even higher, and the royal family never did play fair.  ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, smut, prince AU, joseon AU ⠀⸙ notes: r u ready to cry ur fcking eyes out :-)

➢ Song of Sunrise by Fable ⠀✎ Summary: Late at night, as dawn started painting the horizon, a night elf was running, his thin silhouette shining in the moonlight, the sound of his light steps resonating in the leaves of the silent, silent trees. That elf’s name was Tae. And Tae was heartbroken. ⠀⠀▸ fluffy angst, fantasy AU ⠀⠀▸ platonic Taehyung x Jimin ⠀⸙ extra notes: another story on ARA

➢ All's Fair by @goldenscript ⠀✎ Summary: Sometimes people can surprise you and do absurdly kind things, even the ones you least expect… even your rival, Jeon Jungkook. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, enemies to lovers AU, baseball AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: this fic made me blush a whole lot. just a lot of wholesome fluff. :")

➢ A Piece of the Moonlight by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: For your loved ones, the people who are waiting at home, the people who have died - you will fight. And sometimes to fight means to sacrifice: who you really are and the person you really love. ⠀⠀▸ ANGST, mulan AU ⠀⸙ extra notes: this is the fic that led me to KNOW WITH STRONG CONVICTION that there are some fanfic writers who are unbelievably talented way beyond the world fanfics and deserve so so much joy and success if they decide to pursue writing as a career. This is it. This is one of them. If ((((jimlingss)))) ever decided to make this into a full fledged book with her own OCs, there's no doubt it'll be even more A M A Z I N G than it already is. I just love this story so much. It moved me to tears. And not just tears -- but legit ugly crying. Do yourself a favor and read this masterpiece.

➢ baby!Jeon drabble series by @an-exotic-writer ⠀✎ Summary: A series of drabbles and scenarios about (Not-So-)Baby Jungkook, his 6 older brothers, and you. ⠀⠀▸ F L U F F !!!!!! ⠀⸙ extra notes: 6 GROWN MEN. 1 GROWN WOMAN. 1 LITTLE BABY. SO MUCH FLUFF. AFJALEJGAJFAE. 60k+. this is 2 years worth of writing, y’all. so much fluff. so much luv.

➢ Blue Orchids by @inktae ⠀✎ Summary: You were eighteen years old when Jimin’s name showed up on your hand. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, implied smut, hanahaki AU, soulmate AU

➢ Date in a Box by @jimlingss ⠀✎ Summary: If you’re in a hurry then we’re here to help you! Everything you need in a box. Delivery less than five minutes. Upgrade and we can personalize your date even more! Guaranteed 100%! Don’t fret, we’re here. ⠀⠀▸ F L U F F !

➢ Heat Wave by @iq-biased​ ⠀✎ Summary: The air conditioner breaks during the hottest week of summer and you have to figure out how to stay cool. ⠀⠀▸ smut, fluff, roommate AU ⠀⸙ notes: the title is accurately named bc reading this will definitely make you warm. very warm.

➢ Five Dates by @kpopfanfictrash ⠀✎ Summary: “Ten dates,” he nods, smile tugging at his lips. “Ten dates, to decide if you want this – want me – or want me to go. Ten dates to get to know me. Ten dates,” he says, oddly soft, “to fall in love with me.” ⠀⠀▸ fluff, smut

➢ Hiraeth by @thedefinitionofbts ⠀✎ Summary: We are always yearning for someone, even if that person may not exist in this tangible realm. ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, smut, college AU, soulmate AU

➢ Human Error by @gardentulips ⠀✎ Summary: Jungkook is your latest creation, and so much more... ⠀⠀▸ fluff, angst, robot AU

➢ Mamihlapinatapai by @tayegi ⠀✎ Summary: You reunite with an old flame. ⠀⠀▸ angst ⠀⸙ extra notes: it's not a happy story. i'm sorry. but it is a definitely good painful story. so i'm not sorry.

➢ Orange Tulips by @kainks ⠀✎ Summary: You’d remember Jungkook with every life you lived. Only he’d never remember you, never recall how your fates were written in the stars since the beginning of time. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, smut, soulmate AU, reincarnation AU

➢ The Swirling Ways of Stars by @inktae ⠀✎ Summary: He feels like the thrill of the unknown and the unexplored, like that hesitant feeling of a new sensation under your fingertips. He’s like the first taste of a newly discovered flavor, one that hits your tongue and quickly spreads through your body from head to toe. ⠀⠀▸ angst, fluff, fantasy AU

➢ Tea and Ice Cream by @blackcatkuroi ⠀✎ Summary: It’s the small moments that truly shine. ⠀⠀▸ platonic OT7 ⠀⠀▸ fluff ⠀⸙ extra notes: another story on ARA. Super cute story that briefly illustrates the close bond between these guys.

Random notes: (cause I just LOVE to blab even when no one cares hahahaha) 1. Not surprising that JK has the most, lol. People just love writing him... and I'm okay with that :"))) I am surprised by the amount of Namjoon fics though, I didn't think it'd be that many! I guess I'm lowkey Namjoon biased................. no scratch that. I'm SO Namjoon biased. Lmao. 3. I realized quickly on that I'm very picky about Taehyung fics I read thus I have few Taehyung favorites :"( I need more. Also I really need to read more Hoseok and Jimin fics. Also I'm whipped for Yoongi. What can I say. He my Master 4ever. And of course I read a lot of Jin fics considering he is my UB, so I have a lot of favorites :"))) 4. Haven't read found very many OT7 fics. I would very much like to find more stories that explore their amazing brotherhood/bond!!

[campusvibesght]

About Rock Bottom

People have a tendency to throw it in your face when you show them vulnerability. 

I write this blog as I am scared of what you will think of me, how you will see me; and some of the harsh things you may say. 

However, I also write this with the hope I may inspire someone who is facing their ‘rock bottom’.

The past couple of years have been extremely difficult for me. Life stripped me naked and had me crawling for mercy. I think it all began when I got raped around 2011.

I didn’t tell anybody. 

My best friend says that I said something in passing but then avoided the topic. I believe that is when the depression began. 

I tried to use my art and music to distract myself and pretended nothing happened. I have a memory of my older sister saying to me she thinks I am going through a depression. I got defensive despite the fact that I was crying every day and couldn’t get out of bed. 

On the surface, my twitter account was still fire (as that’s what depressed people do... deflect).  In real life, I was losing my ability to manifest. Gigs were drying up and the media was on an active smear campaign with my name. They made everybody hate me. 

You may argue that my tweets made everybody hate me. But I would hate to believe that South Africans are so dark that they are attracted to my twitter account for the evil spewed there. 

I am a poet. 

In isiXhosa I am called imbhongikazi yomthonyama - which means ‘I have a spiritual gift with words that don’t take sides’. I have words that hit the spirit and make people question themselves. A lot of the time, people are not ready to hear what I am saying and yet five years later my writings come up in trending topics on social media. 

I have never had to apologize for anything I have said because I stand by my truth relentlessly. I do apologize whenever the need arises but that is usually due to my temperamental nature with my tweeps - not because of the subjects I am raising. 

To be quite honest, I hate people who make me feel bad about my twitter account. It has created multiple unspoken mental and spiritual shifts in our society - at times globally. The power of my twitter account is not my doing. It has blessed me and it has cursed me - which is how I know that I’m on the right path.

I started to internalize all the hate. It was not only to you who the media made me unlovable towards. The media made me unlovable to myself as well. And so the depression festered inside the silence of the four walls of my bedroom. 

Life is a journey where you have to connect the dots. I was invited to perform at Poetry Afrika when I was thoroughly bleeding in 2014. No money, just sadness. The universe always brings balance. I met a lovely man at Poetry Afrika who was a great guy to date when you’re going through the most.

It was also at Poetry Afrika where I found out I could do my Masters in Writing at Rhodes University, and I was just in time to meet the deadline. Literally, just in time. I didn’t have a cent to my name when I got accepted to Rhodes University. I was banking on a scholarship I applied for. Had I not won that scholarship, I wouldn’t have that degree today. 

The universe conspired.

I sold everything I owned to save up money for my move to Grahamstown. A lot of my best relationships were in tatters. This is around the ‘Stoan incident’ on twitter. I had had enough with everything, and in the still of the night, I took the remainder of my life’s possessions and drove to the Eastern Cape. 

I put everything in my car, it was packed to full capacity I could barely see through the rear view mirror. I had decided that I was actually moving to the Eastern Cape and after Rhodes University, I would build my career from there.

A year later the Eastern Cape heartlessly kicked me out. I couldn’t find a hustle that side. I was devastated and in denial. It was with my last R400 that I had to put petrol in my car and go back home. There was an angel/stranger who stepped in for the remainder of the petrol money. 

I stayed in Dube with my grandmother in 2016; mentally exhausted, drained and depressed about a dead-end career. In hindsight, some magical things happened in that year. For starters, I grew a beautiful veggie garden whilst wondering ‘What’s wrong with my life?’ 

What I know now is that the Universe was just giving me time and space to rest. For the first time since I was 21-years-old, I was home and spoilt. There was always a dinner plate waiting for me. I didn’t have to struggle for anything. 

My grandmother expected nothing from me. Instead, in the first month, she helped me with my car installment. Imagine. My laundry was done for me. I can honestly say that even at rock bottom, there are some cushy areas.

Nonetheless, in early 2017 I was unpleasantly pushed out the nest again. However, in the midst of desperation, I found a beautiful backroom in Mofolo. I had no money and I found the private school of backrooms. It was fully furnished with a big Jacuzzi bath and a glass ceiling. The walls were bright in colour and I had a beautiful peace garden. 

My landlady, who later turned out to be my everything, was a former exile with long dreadlocks. A true lover of nature. The woman breathed new life into me. She gave me talks and loads of love. She would send me the most inappropriate WhatsApp messages; showing me crazy meme. She is very carefree.

Funny that was my rockiest bottom, living in a back room and having to wash my dishes in a ‘Ndish’. I love Soweto with all my heart but all I could hear around me was ‘uwile.’ Something I didn’t want to hear. 

Pain always makes me work harder. I put all my efforts into the album The Masterpiece and in commercial terms, it was a complete and utmost failure. In spiritual terms, however, it united women in music in the various townships I took the tour to. 

It inspired young female musicians and I see them going from strength to strength in their careers. I personally could not have been more proud of that.

So there I was with a flop of an album to contribute to my falling self-esteem.

Not to mention the ‘global citizen’ backlash. Can I admit that I didn’t think people could possibly ever hurt me like that on Twitter? People were so vicious. 

I think what hurt the most was your dedication to misunderstanding me. All I was trying to say is that it is inappropriate to show off in front of people you have excluded. It is an action that has a reaction.

“With so many people coming at me

“I just don’t know who to trust anymore

“Can you hear me out there?

“Can you hear me out there?

“I need your intervention

“I can’t take it anymore.”

The universe intervened a month later when Moja Love called me and offered me my dream job as a talk show host. They said it was because of what I was doing with my twitter account with my opinions on social issues. I was vindicated. The same platform which has caused so much hatred brought me my biggest joy. 

It is not easy working for Moja Love because TV is new to me as a day job. I have to learn to control my fire and not burn people. However, it certainly beats what I have been through to get here. I remember jogging around Mofolo in the mornings all of last year wondering why ‘ngiwile?’ 

Little did I know that my inner hot body was getting ready to show off. Have you seen my legs on that show?

I have felt so bad for so many years about the disruption I cause everywhere I go. The older I get I realize that the universe is on my side and none of the ‘drama’ is my doing. 

I want the next couple of years to be extremely happy for me.

If you have hit your rock bottom, it’s probably because you are a month away from your dream job. 

I remember crying to my niece’s guardian, Nomakhwezi, and she said

“Isinangamuva Liyabukwa.”

-Ntsiki Mazwai (TV Presenter, Musician & Poet)

[poekeyalmighty]

America and Europe are roommates

"Hey, bunch of pussies, I'm home!"

America slammed the door open, the rest of Europe looked up bewildered from their tea's and books and Finland sighed and put her bag away, júst before the USA loudly yawned and fell down on the chair.

"Alright...I helped you guys today, bé gráteful!", USA shouted intimidatingly, as he grabbed a scone from the table and took a large bite.

"Helped? What did you do?", Germany asked hesitant and the USA chewed while he gestured out of the window.

"Well..there were a couple of muslims outside. Kindof looked like those people that threw rocks, youknow. I took my guns and I've send them off..they were crying, muhahaha.."

"Jesus, America, those were our friends...Nadia and Najib were coming to visit!"

England and Netherlands jumped up from their seats with pale faces. "And you scared them off with your gún?"

"Ey, EY! I sáved you! Remember how they threw rocks at us?", America explained and threw the rest of the scone back on the table. "Worthless shit, that pastry. No sugar, nothing. Is there anything better in the fridge?"

"America..", Belgium calmly started, while looking around at the others. "America, we're very grateful for what you did....but that was a while ago and you've been harassing practically every foreigner that came close to our home since then. You've got a sign on your door that says 'Muslims are banned", which...if I may say, is véry uncomfortable whenever we take muslim-friends home, and-"

"Who's pastry is this?" America holds up something glazed in sugar and cinnamon. "Mine!", Denmark says.

"Mind if I-" USA didn't wait for an answer and took two sticky pasties from the plate.

Denmark silently looked at the floor, while Netherlands said; 'You cóuld've easily said "No"...next time, I'll help you, alright?"

"So what are you saying?!", USA said loudly, when he sat back down on the chair, holding his pastries in both hands. "You're saying you no longer need my protection?"

"Ofcourse not, we're glad you-"

"Well then! I think what you wánted to say was "Thank you!", USA shouted angrily and bits of pastry went all over the floor. "Í buy the guns for this house, Í get myself in danger whenever I go out there, Í-"

"But you don't always have to go outside, do you?", Italy said frustrated. "Not évery guy outside that shouts at you, needs to be taught a lesson. Sometimes you can just close the curtains and ignore them!"

 The USA stared at him like he was an idiot and shook his head. "I will not be belittled by people outside, I am the best, the smartest ánd the friendliest person in the world.."

He took another bite and finished the first pastry. "I will nót have them disrespect my intellect and my abilities and my-"

"But if you just ignore them, they won't be able to get under your skin..", France said calmly. "I've been called arrogant my entire life...but that's just because I ignore the haters.."

She looked at Britain from across the couch, who wasn't paying attention and then continued her conversation with USA.

 "We'd appreciate your help more, if you'd tone it down a little. We don't feel safe when you carry around your guns like that. You keep on experimenting in your room with all kinds of chemicals that you sáy are safe, but it's polluting our air and you've broken the thermostate, so the temperature keeps rising. How can we focus on being grateful for your help, if you continue to harass éveryone outside? There's more angry people nów, then there were 20 years ago, when you came to live here."

 USA nodded and finished the second pastry. "I know, it's awful, I've had to buy more guns. Those fuckers need-"

"What I mean is...", France said a bit louder. "Is that you keep provoking and picking fights with people. Sometimes it's best to ignore them.."

"And to get eggs thrown against my window?!", USA shouted angrily and got up from the chair só abruptly that it fell over.

"'They were neighbourkids!", Norway said with a joyless grin. "You took your gun out, for a fucking egg. Don't act like we were in real danger there. Keep the violence for when it's necessary and stop tweeting everyone with threats."

"Yeah, ofcourse they're going to come over and threaten us báck if you started a feud on Twitter..", Sweden sighed.

 "So..you guys are all ganging up on me..that's it?", USA asked and wiped the crumbs from his face. 'What...is this about the Paris Agreement again?"

"No, it isn't, but that ís a nice example..", Ireland said. Britain held him back, but he pushed her hand away and got up.

"France spend ages, debating with us over hów we could fix this climate. We were all willing to keep these rules in order, it was vóluntarily...and yet you had to diss it, in front of your family and tweet about it. Is that because you're one of the messiest and most polluting people in here?"

Austria nodded and Germany put an arm around him. "We've been working hard to get the house and environment clean, and you-"

"I'm the cleanest!", USA screeched and went to his room to point at the bathroom. "Look at thát. Cleanest!"

"You haven't cleaned anything, you've only used half our bottle of chlorine you dickhead", Netherlands yelled. "Not only is that expensive, but you wrecked the environment out of lazyness. Stop using so much chlorine."

"Oh, you want me to become sick, is that it?!" USA went over to his room and stuck his head out of the opening.

"Listen, if you guys are no longer willing to share your food with me-"

"You've got enough food of your own...you keep throwing half of it out of the window", Spain said annoyed.

"It's MÝ food and I'll do what I want with it!!!!!", USA ranted back at him. “Now let me spéák!”

"If you guys are uwilling to share your items with me and complain about me over-using the shared car, about wasting food, about farting in the room and then leaving, about picking fights with neighbours, about tweeting nasty shit about you, about me being stupid and wrecking the house, about my fascination for money and my cruelty towards others, about me being racist and bigoted and smelly and overweight and wasteful and agressive and intimidating and loud and superficial...then you guys haven't focussed on my good sides enough. I'm the smartest, the friendliest ánd the strongest and everyone loves me. You guys just don't know it, because your brains can't process how much you actually like me. All of you, want to be like me. Now, I want to watch my documentary about England with that funny mexican fellow Mr. Beaner. When I come back, I want dinner to be ready. And I'll leave this fart here for you guys. Bye."