poekeyalmighty

[poekeyalmighty]

My favorite German words

Achtung. Tüte, Kugelschreiber, stimmt, bestimmt, jetzt geht’s los, raus, schauen, ernsthaft, richtig stimmt ganzgenauschonklar, es gibt-

[poekeyalmighty]

Poem for Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking, was a brilliant and awesome guy,

Who died on Einstein's B-day and the Day of Pi.

He taught the world about science and time and space,

Couldn't use his body, but used his brain and left everyone amazed.

 Stephen, despite not understanding half of what you said,

And paying próper attention to it, only áfter you were dead.

I dó realise very well, that we've lost a legend that day,

May there be a heaven, hígh above, preferably close to space.

 R.I.P.

[poekeyalmighty]

Germans have hard bread

A German visits a Dutch bakery, but complains about the softness of the bread.

He does this daily, untill the Dutch baker gets annoyed with him.

That evening, the baker takes a large, round boulder from his garden, paints it brown, wraps it in paper and sells it to the German in the morning.

The next day, the German has returned once more and says;

'It's begining to look like it. Try adding more yeast and grains and you're there."

 I know it's a really lame joke, because I just made it up myself.

[poekeyalmighty]

America and Europe are roommates

"Hey, bunch of pussies, I'm home!"

America slammed the door open, the rest of Europe looked up bewildered from their tea's and books and Finland sighed and put her bag away, júst before the USA loudly yawned and fell down on the chair.

"Alright...I helped you guys today, bé gráteful!", USA shouted intimidatingly, as he grabbed a scone from the table and took a large bite.

"Helped? What did you do?", Germany asked hesitant and the USA chewed while he gestured out of the window.

"Well..there were a couple of muslims outside. Kindof looked like those people that threw rocks, youknow. I took my guns and I've send them off..they were crying, muhahaha.."

"Jesus, America, those were our friends...Nadia and Najib were coming to visit!"

England and Netherlands jumped up from their seats with pale faces. "And you scared them off with your gún?"

"Ey, EY! I sáved you! Remember how they threw rocks at us?", America explained and threw the rest of the scone back on the table. "Worthless shit, that pastry. No sugar, nothing. Is there anything better in the fridge?"

"America..", Belgium calmly started, while looking around at the others. "America, we're very grateful for what you did....but that was a while ago and you've been harassing practically every foreigner that came close to our home since then. You've got a sign on your door that says 'Muslims are banned", which...if I may say, is véry uncomfortable whenever we take muslim-friends home, and-"

"Who's pastry is this?" America holds up something glazed in sugar and cinnamon. "Mine!", Denmark says.

"Mind if I-" USA didn't wait for an answer and took two sticky pasties from the plate.

Denmark silently looked at the floor, while Netherlands said; 'You cóuld've easily said "No"...next time, I'll help you, alright?"

"So what are you saying?!", USA said loudly, when he sat back down on the chair, holding his pastries in both hands. "You're saying you no longer need my protection?"

"Ofcourse not, we're glad you-"

"Well then! I think what you wánted to say was "Thank you!", USA shouted angrily and bits of pastry went all over the floor. "Í buy the guns for this house, Í get myself in danger whenever I go out there, Í-"

"But you don't always have to go outside, do you?", Italy said frustrated. "Not évery guy outside that shouts at you, needs to be taught a lesson. Sometimes you can just close the curtains and ignore them!"

 The USA stared at him like he was an idiot and shook his head. "I will not be belittled by people outside, I am the best, the smartest ánd the friendliest person in the world.."

He took another bite and finished the first pastry. "I will nót have them disrespect my intellect and my abilities and my-"

"But if you just ignore them, they won't be able to get under your skin..", France said calmly. "I've been called arrogant my entire life...but that's just because I ignore the haters.."

She looked at Britain from across the couch, who wasn't paying attention and then continued her conversation with USA.

 "We'd appreciate your help more, if you'd tone it down a little. We don't feel safe when you carry around your guns like that. You keep on experimenting in your room with all kinds of chemicals that you sáy are safe, but it's polluting our air and you've broken the thermostate, so the temperature keeps rising. How can we focus on being grateful for your help, if you continue to harass éveryone outside? There's more angry people nów, then there were 20 years ago, when you came to live here."

 USA nodded and finished the second pastry. "I know, it's awful, I've had to buy more guns. Those fuckers need-"

"What I mean is...", France said a bit louder. "Is that you keep provoking and picking fights with people. Sometimes it's best to ignore them.."

"And to get eggs thrown against my window?!", USA shouted angrily and got up from the chair só abruptly that it fell over.

"'They were neighbourkids!", Norway said with a joyless grin. "You took your gun out, for a fucking egg. Don't act like we were in real danger there. Keep the violence for when it's necessary and stop tweeting everyone with threats."

"Yeah, ofcourse they're going to come over and threaten us báck if you started a feud on Twitter..", Sweden sighed.

 "So..you guys are all ganging up on me..that's it?", USA asked and wiped the crumbs from his face. 'What...is this about the Paris Agreement again?"

"No, it isn't, but that ís a nice example..", Ireland said. Britain held him back, but he pushed her hand away and got up.

"France spend ages, debating with us over hów we could fix this climate. We were all willing to keep these rules in order, it was vóluntarily...and yet you had to diss it, in front of your family and tweet about it. Is that because you're one of the messiest and most polluting people in here?"

Austria nodded and Germany put an arm around him. "We've been working hard to get the house and environment clean, and you-"

"I'm the cleanest!", USA screeched and went to his room to point at the bathroom. "Look at thát. Cleanest!"

"You haven't cleaned anything, you've only used half our bottle of chlorine you dickhead", Netherlands yelled. "Not only is that expensive, but you wrecked the environment out of lazyness. Stop using so much chlorine."

"Oh, you want me to become sick, is that it?!" USA went over to his room and stuck his head out of the opening.

"Listen, if you guys are no longer willing to share your food with me-"

"You've got enough food of your own...you keep throwing half of it out of the window", Spain said annoyed.

"It's MÝ food and I'll do what I want with it!!!!!", USA ranted back at him. “Now let me spéák!”

"If you guys are uwilling to share your items with me and complain about me over-using the shared car, about wasting food, about farting in the room and then leaving, about picking fights with neighbours, about tweeting nasty shit about you, about me being stupid and wrecking the house, about my fascination for money and my cruelty towards others, about me being racist and bigoted and smelly and overweight and wasteful and agressive and intimidating and loud and superficial...then you guys haven't focussed on my good sides enough. I'm the smartest, the friendliest ánd the strongest and everyone loves me. You guys just don't know it, because your brains can't process how much you actually like me. All of you, want to be like me. Now, I want to watch my documentary about England with that funny mexican fellow Mr. Beaner. When I come back, I want dinner to be ready. And I'll leave this fart here for you guys. Bye."

[poekeyalmighty]

Breaking Bad Poem

Blue latex gloves and high piles of stacked money, A lightblue substance that has the same structure as honey. Green gasmasks on the counter of the van, Two desperate people with a changing plan. The endless chasing combined with being chased, People get choked, stabbed, dissolved and replaced. Everyone wants you and what you are selling, Spread the word please, but watch who you're telling. Still one question keeps bothering me while watching this, Maybe it's meant like this, or just something they missed.. Los Pollos Hermanos translates to Chicken Brothers, Although the two bosses, both came from different Mothers, There's guys on the pictures, and chicken, not a hawk, I think the real name is The Two Brothers C....

But obviously they couldn't name a restaurant like that, Or there'd be different chicks, in the place that they're at.. I still think this name could be different, but it doesn't matter, It's just a shop that only sells Chicken and Fry Batter...

[poekeyalmighty]

Time Travel on Graham Norton

Youknow, call me crazy, but sometimes I fantasize about time-travelling onto a nightshow, like Graham Norton’s in..let's say 2005.

The audience's mind will be erased afterwards and they can only take 3 words of wisdom home with them on a sign (to avoid large changes to the future but to encourage a small change in their behaviour.)

Emma (that's me.) and several celebrities will then sit on the couch and spoil little secrets (not too much, as I said, everything needs to be erased again) about the future.

They can invite anyone from any year, but it is very expensive. The more they reveal, the more it costs to erase the minds afterwards.

*It'll be like:*

Graham: Sooooo..today, ladies and gentlemen, the celebrities on the couch will be Miranda Hart and Richard Ayoade. Áááánd we have someone from the year 2018, oh véry exciting! Let's give them a welcoming applause and let's start the show!"

*everyone sits down*

Graham: 'So..welcome everyone, I have to say, Emma, judging from your shoes, I see our horrible Ugg-trend won't last long, ihihihihihi. Ohh just kidding, there's probably still some around. They'd be antique! Hah hah. Okay..now..let's start with the question we're all curious about...what is the future like?"

Emma: "Eh..well..not that great. Or..well..it depends on which side you are, who you voted for."

Miranda Hart; Oh gód I knew it, there's going to be a war!"

Emma: "Not in my year..not yet...but the presidents are fighting and threatening with nuclear weapons.."

Richard:"Youknow, it's funny...we've all been excited about you visiting, but I'd rather have you leave now.."

*everyone laughs*

Graham: 'Is the American president still Bush?'

Emma: "Oh no...oh, wait, ofcourse..2005..eh..then I guess I first have some good news..'

Graham: Thank god, I thought my show had paid a lót of money for some depressing nightmare..."

Emma; "It gets more depressing towards the future, but the president in 2008 is pretty good. People like him, ánd...."

Miranda Hart: 'And it's a woman?"

Richard: "She said "him"..."

Miranda Hart: 'He could be a transgender, couldn't he?"

Graham: 'Will the both of you shut up, she'd going to say it.."

Emma; "Well..it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it is pretty cool. He's black."

Richard: 'I always knew I was going to make it big! So I'm going to be president huh? What about that, Graham? Take that Miranda Hart!"

*everyone laughs*

Emma: "His name is Obama, his wife is called Michelle, she's going to help kids exercise more and eat healthy. And-

Graham: Sorry to interrupt, but I just háve to ask..how do the Harry potter books end?

Emma: 'Oohhh I can't tell you that! Not even with mind-erasing!"

*Audience boohs and groans*

Emma: 'I'm sorry, I can't. But I can assure you there'll be 7 books...and the last book will be mindblowing and awesome and it'll have nearly anything you could've wanted."

Richard: 'It's good to hear that the tragedies will only be aimed towards ús and not the book-characters..."

*audience nervously giggles.*

Miranda Hart: 'Can't you just put us out of our misery? What is it...will there be murders..will the Queen die?"

Emma: 'Oh..no, the Queen is still alive. But you guys will leave the EU, now you remind me of it.."

*Miranda Hart gasps*

Graham; We will leave the EU? But why? And what about Scotland and Ireland?"

Emma; 'Scotland will have a referendum to leave you guys, but they'll stay..'

Miranda Hart: "Jesus.."

Emma: 'Haha, but that's not the worst. Oohh..I feel bad, you guys don't want to know this..aahh.."

Richard: 'Be honest, will I be forced to become a stripper? Is that it? *audience laughs* Will this beautiful body be sacrificed to dance in glittery latex to fix the debts of Great Britain? Will it-''

Emma; "Noo...Richard..Oh..okay, I'll tell you. After Obama's second term..there'll be two people that run for the presidency. A woman and a man. The woman will be the most popular, but the man will be chosen by electoral college. And the man is someone that many people don't like."

Miranda Hart: "Bush reruns?"

*audience laughs*

Emma: 'I'll give a couple of hints. He's never been in politics before, he's a bigot and racist and very orange..."

Richard: Sounds like a provoked and angry and sudden racist Arnold Schwarzenegger? Sudden racism aside, that'd be awesome."

Miranda Hart: Is it-?'

Emma: "It's not Pauly D from Jersey Shore, hah hah..."

Miranda Hart: Who?

Emma; 'Oh...eh..no one, nevermind. It's from a show...in the future.."

Graham: Emma, whó. is. it?!"

Emma: 'He has very large towers....golden towers.

Graham; 'Is it a king?

Emma; 'Nó, he had an American show..he used to fire people."

Richard; I don't know who this is...but it sounds bad.

Emma: 'He goes like this *makes face and gestures with hands* 'All Mexicans are rapists.they bring crime and drugs."

Miranda Hart: 'Who the *bleep* says thát?! Are you serious? No, for real...áre you?

Emma; 'Yes. He used to organize beauty-pageants...he has a-"

Richard: 'Oh don't you dare telling me it's Mister Trump.”

*silence*

Emma: I-

*Graham gasps and holds the cards against his face*

Emma: It ís Donald Trump.

*Audience nervously giggles, but also looks panicked. Graham twists and turns on his chair while he looks up to the ceiling and Miranda Hart shakes her head with an open mouth and holds her hands up in the air.*

Richard: "Well..Graham..you certainly got what you paid for...this is more of an information-bombshell-moment than you could've ever wanted.."

Miranda Hart: 'And is he doing something to the Mexicans..youknow..setting rules or anything, against them?

Emma; 'He tried to ban all muslims from going in and out the USA...but that didn't last long. And youknow..the usual stuff you'd expect from him.."

Graham; I’m seriously struggling to continue the show here..jeesh..those Americans huh?

Emma: Well, you guys will have Boris Johnson..”

Miranda: ‘Hihi…”Johnson?”

Richard: ‘Don’t tell me he’s a unexperienced racist too..”

Emma; ‘Graham, pour everyone another drink. And get me another few glasses of water. This is going to be a long night.”

[poekeyalmighty]

I once hit a Russian clown in the face with a swimmingpool-noodle

Okay, the following story is not for people with clown-phobias.

It is however, 100% the truth.

And one of my favorite stories to tell. It's a long story, but it ends with a smile (or a painful grin, if you will.)

 I once went to Texel (a Dutch island) with my family (father, mother and sister) and we decided to visit the circus as well.

It was a Russian circus, I forgot the name, but they all spoke (bad) English. We sat down and waited for the show to start.

In came a clown, with a grey tweed suit, a grey hat, grey curls and a beard that was covered in white facepaint. Crosses over his eyes, no lipstick and very bushy grey eyebrows. His expression was depressed and angry. And very stereotypical Russian.

I could not see these details at first...but believe me, I did later.

 The clown first guided people to their seats (only half of the circus was filled yet) but then took out a swimmingpool-noodle and started smashing them with it.

Some people laughed at first, but the smashing became harsher and he started hitting people in the face as well. He smashed his way through a couple of elderly people (who screamed in panic) and went over to an unsuspecting (and yet, in another way éxpecting) pregnant woman. She was there with her daughter and husband and babygirl in a buggy (the other was in her stomach, she was about 8 months pregnant.)

The clown did not wait and slammed the noodle hárd on the woman's lower back. The audience screamed in anger and people tried to get up and help her (but she was standing in another 'aisle', they couldn't climb the fence.)

The woman was angry, the clown slapped her daughter in the face, then hit the child in the buggy with it (just slammed it into the buddy) and since the husband consoled the daughter, he ran off without consequences.

He then ran past another line of people, smashed those in the face and then he came closwer towards us.

 Now here's where I got scared and angry. The spotlight was following him, but the audience was boo-ing loudly and me and my sister had paid attention to what had been going on.

My parents had not. My dad was disorientated and my mom was searching her bag, because she was afraid she'd lost her phone. Both of my parents were looking down.

The clown came nearer, (we sat in the back) I made eyecontact and shook my head with a serious face. He came closer, took the swimmingpoolnoodle and smashed it on my dad's head. It echo-ed and my dad screamed out in pain.

The audience gasped and I stared angrily at the clown (we were in cramped up seats, I couldn't easily get out.)

He then hid the noodle and my dad looked around confused. The clown gestured at him as if he was a lunatic and walked off.

My dad said; 'I felt something..did something fall on my head? It húrts...is it a bloodcloth in my brain? What happened?'

But when we tried to explain it was the clown, my dad said; 'He wasn't holding anything? And..wait..oh there's so much noise.."

 I was so upset that I whispered to my sister; 'If I get kicked out of the circus for this...tell mom and dad what happened, don't panic, I'll be fine.."

Meanwhile the audience was still booing and the clown stood in the back, about 2 meters away from me.

I then struggled to get up from my seat (the clown was done with his act and rolling a cigarette, unaware that the spotlight was still on him) and I stepped out of the aisle.

Normally I would've said; 'Ik ga even naar de WC!", but I chose my words carefully and said; 'Ik ga naar het toilet!"

The clown understood 'toilet' and looked away, the poolnoodle still under his arm, but his focus on the cigarette.

I walked by the clown, turned around to (fake-)"check my pockets" and then jumped at him, grabbed the poolnoodle and smashed him in the face, repeatedly.

 The clown dropped his cigarette, grabbed the noodle back and angrily stared me in the face with his dark eyes before he smashed the poolnoodle back into mý face, which was painful and left my eyes watering and nose running.

Meanwhile in the back, people were cheering and applauding loudly. Some had gotten up and were jumping up and down. They weren't sure if I was part of the show, but they were very happy to see what I did.

 I then fought the clown off, jumped back info my seat, he picked up his cigarette and left, while muttering Russian curses.

My mom and dad had stíll not paid attention, turned around and went; 'Didn't you say something about going to the toilet? Why aren't you going then?' My dad was just busy holding his head and ignoring the pain.

 Later that evening, the pregnant woman with her children came up to me again and said; 'I want to thank you for what you did to that clown. It was wonderful to see him get a taste of what he did to us. I was fearing for my newborn's life for god's sake.

I can't tell you how great it was to see what you did, I was cheering in my seat. My husband thought it was fake, but I thought it wasn't."

 Another few people put their thumbs up at me, went; 'Yeeeaahh! High five!' or cheered when I walked by. My mom and dad still did not understand why 'all of these people suddenly cheered at you' and they still to this day, fail to grasp what happened.

My dad's head kept hurting and got worse, for 3 days straight. After that, it got better, but it was still ashame that it was right in the middle of the holiday-week. My face was feeling better after 2 days and I was able to speak without my jaw hurting.

But it was worth it, seeing that Russian clowns scared face, dropping his cigarette and realising his shitbehaviour wasn't acceptable here.

 On a sidenote: Two days later, we (foolishly) decided to go back and pet the camels outside in the pen, because we hadn't done that yet and we wanted to.

One of the horses in the pen, had a bruised ankle and deep bloody cuts, that seemed to come from cuffs. I photographed it so I could perhaps make a report of it, but then I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone dragged me off the lawn.

I said; 'W-wait..what?' and when I looked to the side, I recognized the angry face, beard and eyebrows, just with no white facepaint and tweed jacket. The clown in his normal attire was scary enough. I was dragged towards the sidewalk and left there with some more angry Russian words and a loud, stern, deepvoiced; 'Nó photo!"

But I just laughed, because I already had the picture, the clown was still grumpy about being attacked and my mom's face, while she came running to the sidewalk too, was priceless. "What did you do thís time? What is it with you and that clown?!'

 My sister and I have often told my parents the whole story. But then a month later, we make remake remarks about the clown and see if my parents remember it. Both just answer; 'It was dark and loud. I only remember there was loud music. Was there a clown as well? Didn't your dad hit his head on a steel-bar or something, in there?' The story doesn't stick with them, somehow. :)