#usually i just delete asks like this or block people if it becomes an issue

[triptychofvoids]

hey just wanted to pop in and say that your Medic (or how you portray him anyways) is slowly becoming a fictive alter in my system, specifically a soother alter.

not really relevant to what you post, just thought you should know

im genuinely unsure if this is meant as as positive thing or not....? but i feel like this is something i have to address because i have received asks like this or comments in my tags about it and it keeps happening. i understand that i am just drawing canon tf2 medic over here, but that is me. those are drawings of me. i cannot control what you do or what is happening to you or other people, and i will not start fights over this, but please do not send me stuff like this please dont tell me about it. and this goes for everyone, please dont say stuff like this to me, please dont tag any of my art as kin or me or anything like that. thank you very <3

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2018 Giving a few Facebook friends till the end of the year to interact with me. If they don’t I’m deleting them. I don’t know why but I’m very picky about that. I don’t add people to my friend list for decoration. There’s gotta be some interaction even if it’s only once a month or so.

Are the Twenties ignoring me or something? I asked them about the uptick in commercial planes and if they knew anything about it but they’ve completely blown me off. They would interact with me occasionally but lately, there’s been nothing. Mr. Twenties claims he’s not using Facebook because of privacy issues. Yet he seems to be on playing games. I have a feeling he has me blocked from his posts but oh well. His account, his choice.

At the end of the year, I will be doing friend list housekeeping and deleting a few deadbeats. Kim and Eileen from Massachusetts will likely be going and so will Sandra, an older PB lady in Tennessee that I never hear from anymore either there or on Facebook. I’ll have to look and see who else is worthy of being deleted but I don’t have many friends there to begin with. For some reason, I’m extremely picky about who I add there and I currently only have 22 people added. I’ve become more into keeping people I know and “reality” separate from other sites like PB, Twitter, etc. To me, Facebook is reality or at least it should be; real names, real people, so I’m not going to be sharing journals and stuff like that there anymore.

So what’s with the strange loud motor? In the mornings lately, I’ve been hearing what sounds like large utility trucks entering the park. Yesterday I heard the steady drone of what sounded like something running that wasn’t too close but that was probably pretty loud. I have no idea what it could’ve been but I’m dreading the next project I can’t drown out with sound machines. I still say they’re going to pave the roads if they don’t tear them up again for some shit that got fucked up somehow. Or to replace something with newer stuff.

I want the new MacBook Air. Maybe someday. It would help if the US would get with the times and not cost its people so much in medical expenses. The water tank’s pressure valve is leaking now, too. Starting to think that going to Hawaii one more time and getting a decent bed that won’t sag in a few months is just a dream.

Yesterday was a wonderfully calm day with sufficient energy. Why can’t it always be like that or at least 75% of the time? Now I don’t know what the hell to think anymore. Tom thinks I was just anxious on Monday because it was the start of the week when he’s going to be out for five days in a row. But then why do I sometimes get anxious when we’re hanging out together on weekends? We know the medication was responsible for the problems I had when I first went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That’s a no-brainer. But maybe the random anxiety really is due to my lady hormones still fluctuating unless I’ve got something else going on with me I don’t know about which seems unlikely. Too soon to say whether or not the Liothyronine or magnesium supplements are helping. Skin is still pretty dry so that may not be a good sign but then I am older and I do live in a climate that’s damn near close to being the desert.

I seriously wonder when it’s going to rain again. We’ve only had a few days of rain in about half a year. It could make up for lost time in a month or so, though. I love the rain and how it keeps things quieter but I don’t want the roof to get any worse before we leave.

Nothing from Norma so I’m guessing she either didn’t get a chance to talk to Tammy or she learned that Tammy’s just being her usual hypochondriac self. Maybe she feels uncomfortable saying anything negative about Tammy so she’s chosen to say nothing at all. Well, I’m not going to say anything more. I’ve got to live my own life and worry about my own problems.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2018 Yesterday was Kate Jackson’s 70th birthday. Jaclyn Smith is a few years older.

Tom said several people are quitting at work and going to work at some other warehouse but doesn’t know what the pay is. The thing is that they were already making a lot less than he makes. It would really be nice if he could get a job working graves because it would make doing things in the daytime easier, like going to appointments, but I can’t believe any other place would start him off at $19 an hour. But if it was third shift then being an American company wouldn’t matter. It would suck if he couldn’t get as many days off but at least he wouldn’t have to take days off for appointments.

The water was off yesterday although I went to bed right before they turned it off. The fucking water is going off again on Thursday. Damn, am I sick of this place! I hate to think of being here another 5-6 years. I can just imagine all the projects I’ll be in for. Never lived anywhere before where I dreaded the possibility of them working in the road or cutting trees down with their thunderously loud saws and wood chippers. I also can’t believe all the planes here. There have definitely been way more commercial planes. Early yesterday morning it was one after another and I’ve heard several since I’ve been up. There’s no getting peace here even at night.

I wish noise was the worst of my problems but unfortunately I was very anxious yesterday. It was almost to the point where I dreaded the idea of him leaving for work. Stopping the Amberen again after reading that they recommend stopping after 90 days and then if you have symptoms doing another 90 days. It’s a mega longshot but there is a very very slim chance that it could be contributing to my anxiety even though I wouldn’t think a blend of vitamins and minerals would do that. I suppose anything is possible even though I doubt it has anything to do with it. So far today I’m calm but it’s a little early in my day. That’s usually a midday thing so I’m still about 3 hours away from any potential trouble. Going to be taking my magnesium, vitamin D and multivitamin in a few minutes. If I get unusually anxious I may stop the magnesium. A few people did say it actually wound them up. Can’t say if the Lio had anything to do with it or not. Looking at my notes, it seems I’ve had 5 anxious days out of the last 15. As I may have said before, I’m beginning to think that if I was meant to fix this then I wouldn’t have had it for so long to begin with.

The glasses came today and I’m still not sure if progressives are right for me. I hate how you have to look through a specific spot in the lens in order to see certain things. Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to traditional bifocals even though I would lose mid-range that way. They’re awfully loose too, so they’ll have to be tightened. The round raspberry frames look better on me than the rectangular purple frames but the purples are only for the computer anyway.

Norma replied saying she hopes Tammy and I work things out, sisterhood is important, her sister left her and her brother, etc. She said she’ll keep my message between us and hasn’t spoken with Tammy recently but will call tomorrow (today) to see what she can find out.

I would still think that if she was really dying, Norma and I would’ve been notified. Plus, Tammy’s been on Facebook pretty much daily. If you were dying, would you really be on Facebook every day?

I think I’m still a bit too nice, too caring, and too forgiving. Meaning that I know I should simply ignore Tammy regardless of biology if Norma confirms she’s not dying after she calls her today. Saying you want to die, are thinking about dying, feel like you’re dying, or think you might die at a specific time is one thing. Saying you “won’t be around long” is another. That’s low. That’s just really low. That’d be great for her and the girls if she wasn’t checking out anytime soon but I’m definitely done with her, without guilt or shame, if I learn she lied about dying.

Plus there’s all the other drama I could do without. I’ve had it with the she said/he said game, and I’m not going to defend or explain myself to anyone either.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2018 I guess I better get caught up here before I get too behind.

Tom worked from home yesterday on and off for about 11 hours and made a couple of hundred extra bucks which never hurts. I may have more appointments but he’s been costing us more medical-wise, as I love to bust him about.

We both took our first magnesium supplement yesterday. He noticed no effects but it may have made me a little drowsy. I’m tired today as well but only because I was up a long time and only slept 6 hours.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning where I got some M&M’s and pork rinds which I pigged out on and ended up having heartburn and nausea at the end of my day. If I get it again today I’m going to wonder if it’s the magnesium. Took it for the second time a couple of hours ago. Still way too soon to say whether or not it’s going to help me with anxiety. I’m taking every preventive measure I can think of. I’ve tapped, I’ve taken my multivitamin, my vitamin D, and my Amberen. I’ll probably take that last one every other day instead of every day. I still don’t think it made me anxious but I have to try to find out what’s what and I can’t do that if I do too much at once.

Took my 5th dose of Liothyronine and I’m nervous about that approaching one-week marker. There are actually a few milestones I have to hope I get through. First one is a week.

At Walgreens, I also got some soda and colorful gems that you stick on whatever. I used the purple ones to stick on the little green spot of light on my laptop power cord. It’s amazing how such a teeny tiny spot can give off so much light and be so damn bright. It’s literally like having a night light in here. My alarm clock is much worse, though.

Saturday I decided to take a chance and sleep without the earbuds since my appointments aren’t right around the corner. Sure enough, traffic woke me up.

We ordered a narrow shower curtain that’s 36x72 for the master bathroom shower because I would still like to have that shower as an option if I want to shower when he’s asleep like right now. We’re going to remove the leaky glass door but not get rid of it. We’ll put it back on when we leave. That is, assuming I really survive to get out of here someday! The shower curtain has a beach scene on it with ocean, sand, and sky.

I also ordered another bronze figurine, this one doing a yoga pose. They call it a pigeon pose. This one is a little different than my other bronze ladies. The others are completely nude and in sensual or casual poses. This one has a painted body suit.

Last night the planes were amazingly quiet but I’m sure that around 6am the commercials will be zooming by one after another. I never did get a reply from them either. I sent a message to the Sacramento Airport.

Last night I had a dream Tammy and I were working on our computers side by side. We were both on Facebook. Only our “computers” were these large touch screens on the wall. I saw Tammy tap a button to add me as a friend. I accepted and wrote, “Hello, bitch,” with a smile emoji.”

It was after this that I finally decided to do something I’ve been debating on… Go to Norma and beg her to keep my message between us. If she betrays me I will simply delete her. No words, no confrontation, no nothing. I’ll just delete her. I filled her in on the situation and hopefully she can give me some concrete information as to what’s really going on with Tammy.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2018 “Implying that you’re dying simply because you’re pissed is low. Like really low.”

That’s what I posted publicly on Facebook wondering if the drama queen might see it and come to her own defense, giving me an idea of whether or not there’s any truth to her implications. But there’s no evidence she’s seen it or been to my blog.

I was also hoping that if she didn’t, maybe Norma would ask whom I was talking about and I could get some information from her. I thought about sending her a private message and begging her to keep our chat between us but I know she won’t. She’s always favored Tammy over me and while that in itself is fine, I know she can’t be trusted. She proved that 30 years ago in Springfield when she automatically assumed I was behind the prank phone calls she was getting and went to Ruth about it. I swear I have no recollection of ever calling her but it was a small city, so if I ever did call her, I dialed randomly and got her by accident. This happened to Andy a couple of times with a couple of people. Norma did apologize for the false accusation and admitted she should have gone to me but I still wouldn’t trust her with a secret.

Tom needs to invent a browser toolbar with drop-down menus with links to pages on the same site. I want to bookmark all my blogs on Blogger but that would take up a lot of the bookmark toolbar space.

Went down to the lake to give the ducks the old bread and felt warm, a bit weak in the legs, and my heart raced a bit as well. My vitals were fairly decent, though, after I got back and relaxed a bit. Might have happened even without the Lio since it’s happened before and is common in women my age.

Now I’m still a bit warm, slightly light-headed, and tired. The biggest thing is not getting anxious. I’ll make my special Sleepytime brew at around midnight.

They’re going to be turning off the fucking water for 6 hours on Monday. I’ll be asleep through most of it. I had a feeling about this too, before Tom told me he got a message about it. He said a few days ago he saw a major pipe burst by the gate. They capped it off temporarily.

We’re going to be dropping our eye insurance plan at the end of the year because of the way they restrict when we can get exams. Rather than pay them to tell us when to go, we’ll just pay for it ourselves and go when we want to.

Last night I had a dream I spotted Linda Ronstadt in some restaurant. I was eating alone and she was three or four tables away, also eating alone. I thought of going up to her but I didn’t want to bother her. Seeing that she was almost finished and would leave before I did, I decided I would say hello on her way out. Yet when she got up and walked past me, I had a big mouthful of food and couldn’t chew and swallow it fast enough to say anything. So off she went without a word from me.

Then I had this dream that I was in this strange jail. There was a lake that was pretty wavy for a lake in which we swam in. We also had these really weird gadgets that I guess were phones. I don’t know why I was there or for how long but it was weird. Stacey might have been in the dream as well.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2018 I was so exhausted yesterday that I fell asleep early and got up a little early. Felt a bit wound up toward the end of my day yesterday as well. My schedule’s definitely been rolling slower and I think it’s mostly due to how exhausted I’ve been getting. So many days I’m too tired to stay up my usual 16 to 18 hours. I see both Dr. A and Dr. O on the 17th of December and right now my schedule is ideal for my morning appointment with Dr. A but if it backs up too much more it will make Dr. O really hard.

I’m back to tapping more and having more Sleepytime tea for whatever good it may do me, and we even ordered Triple Calm Magnesium capsules from Amazon that a friend on Prosebox recommended. There are some scary reviews but most look promising. I don’t know if it will help with my particular kind of anxiety because I don’t even know exactly what it is. Is it generalized anxiety or does it fit into some other category? Tom still thinks a lot of it could be on my hormones and not the meds, which I’ve survived my second dose of. Tom wants to try them for leg cramps that sometimes wake him up.

77% of the reviews are 5-star while 4% are 1-star. Some said it made their palpitations worse and kept them up at night. The more desperate I get, though, the more I’m willing to risk potential side effects.

So far, I have more energy today and I’m still fairly calm but like I said yesterday, anxiety tends to be a mid-day thing so that’s when I’ll have my Sleepytime tea as a preemptive measure.

Worked out on the Bowflex for 10 minutes and the treadmill for a half-hour. If my energy levels and hips will let me, I’ll add a half hour a day until I’m walking two hours a day. That way I burn a little over 400 calories.

Even though the Amberen is an unlikely culprit because this particular kind of anxiety didn’t start until about 5 months after I started it, I’m going to back off of it for a while and see how I do. I’ve had a little more in the way of hot flashes lately but not too much lightheadedness. That was the biggest thing it seemed to help the most with.

The only good news is that Tom gets to work Saturday which gives us a couple of hundred extra dollars but he gets to do it from home. He’ll be working from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. instead of his usual hours.

Last night’s dream may have been a glimpse into another dimension since I lived at home with an older sister and younger brother. We lived with our single mom who looked a lot like Vera Farmiga, Mrs. Bates on Bates Motel. We were trying to talk her into going on some game show and making big bucks because she was really smart and was able to answer all the questions they asked their contestants.

The layout of the house was pretty clear. Some of it, anyway. I don’t know how old I was but to one side of my room was a bathroom in which my mom’s room was off the other side. To the other side of me was my sister’s room and my brother was across the hall.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2018 Well, I’ve got shitty news and I’ve got good news. The shitty news is that I was both anxious and depressed during the last half of my day yesterday. First half started off a little tired and a little light-headed but that improved.

The good news is that I’ve survived my first dose of Liothyronine. But one dose is far from enough to tell me anything either way. All I can say is that it’s very unlikely I’ll ever have an allergic reaction to the stuff. The next milestone will be getting through a week, then six weeks, then over two months. If I can get over two months without incident, that would be great. It would be beyond great, however, if it could help stop the anxiety.

Yesterday’s surprising and disappointing bout of anxiety has me more confused than ever as to what could be the cause. The thought of never being able to figure it out and never being able to do anything about it is, to me, a very real and scary possibility. I’m trying not to go there in my mind but it both does and doesn’t make sense for it to be the Levothyroxine. My T4 isn’t elevated right now so it can’t be that. Could my lady hormones still be out of whack despite being virtually menopausal? Could some of it simply be my way of reacting to stress these days?

I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think anymore. All I know is that I find myself entertaining some very dark thoughts way too often at times and if the anxiety doesn’t stop soon, who knows how many more years I can take of this shit before I seriously consider acting on them? I don’t want it to come to that but I don’t want to live to suffer so much of the time either.

No anxiety yet today but for some strange reason, it tends to get me in the middle of my day. I’m just tired today because I’ve been sleeping shitty for a few days now. Until I can get good sleep, I’m not going to have much energy. I have a feeling that even if I was never anxious again, I would still be fatigued a lot of the time. I’ll still take that over anxiety, the anxiety is the absolute worst.

I’ve been itchy a lot lately and I’m having serious doubts about ever finding my LS in remission. Even if I did, though, the past always comes back to haunt me. Sooner or later it will return.

On his next birthday, we’ll be able to start checking every month to see how much money he could get if he retired at that moment. I’m sure the only thing we could afford would be those $300 studios back up in Oregon.

Crazy Lisa was in my dreams last night. I was writing her letters by hand. We were talking one day and she told me she was selling them online. Apparently, selling postal letters had become a big thing since they had become less common.

My dream self loved this idea and was all excited to start selling letters too, even though I wasn’t getting any, LOL. So she was about to sign me up on a site I could sell them through, which needed my credit card info. I decided to wait and see which credit card of ours Tom thought would be the best one to use so I asked her to just give me a site tour until he got home.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2018 Worked a little on the dollhouse but might need his help with the wiring. I’m sorry I got this kit. It’s way too much work and it’s actually kind of boring. Every time I think I’m almost done, there’s more to do.

Next time we replace half of the fish’s water I’m going to remove the wasted castle and plants. He’s shown no interest in any of it and it would make it easier for me to suck shit off the bottom.

We’re also going to keep the rats on the bottom of their cage and close the upstairs because of how hard it’s gotten for them to walk.

I’m not feeling as bad as expected today but I am a little tired. I was a little light-headed earlier as well but that’s cleared up and I’m perking up a bit. I didn’t sleep all that great because I kept waking up.

I wish to hell I was oblivious to climate or liked cold weather and snow. Canada would be a great place to retire as long as the cost of living was reasonable. They have mobile home parks for older people too, and Universal Health Care. It’s a liberal country that takes care of its own. What’s not to like about it?

A cold climate would definitely make for a quieter place to live as I wouldn’t have to hear the loud obnoxious sounds of landscaping every single fucking day nor would there be as many motorcycles. They may keep making vehicles louder despite the technology we have these days but it would be a lot quieter overall. I just can’t see myself suffering through such cold and snow all over again, though. I really want to be in a tropical climate even if it means more motorcycles, more noise in general, the risk of hurricanes, and also losing a good chunk of our money to medical expenses. If we go somewhere where it’s significantly cheaper to live, like Florida, maybe that will help balance out the medical costs that will increase as we continue to age. I don’t know, though. We have to pay a grand for his MRI and now a grand for his steroid shot. We’re not going to get a place 2k cheaper per month because not even this place is that much.

When the time comes, he is going to switch to a more expensive insurance plan that will take a little more money out of his paychecks but that covers more.

Random thought of the day: I was remembering when I was shown a private girls’ school close to home when I was 16 before my mother gave me up to the state. Although there may have been much more freedom there than Valleyhead ever had and I would later come to wish I had chosen the damn place since I would end up with no choice in the end, what kid wants to voluntarily leave home to live with strangers no matter how unhappy their home life may be? Huh? Tell me. What kid? Did they really think I was going to come out that day and say, “Oh wow, this is cool! I like it! I want to live here so bad even though I don’t know a damn person in this place. I want to leave my home and all that’s familiar to me even if my mother’s an abusive bitch who doesn’t do my mood and self-esteem the least bit of good. I’ll be happier in a house full of strangers where I don’t have much of my belongings and nothing is familiar to me. So exciting!”

Well, guess what, Dureen? The daughter you were so sure was crazy was really normal after all.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2018 Yesterday I was exhausted all day and a bit depressed as well because of it. Today I had enough energy to go for a walk and I feel pretty good overall. I’m just enjoying it while I can because I know it won’t last.

Last night my mind raced with all kinds of questions and possibilities. I thought of all the stories pertaining to near-death experiences that I’ve heard over the years describing tales of visiting both good places and bad. Well, I still don’t know if I believe in any kind of an afterlife, but if there is such a thing as Heaven and Hell, I wonder if there are different versions of these places because different people have told different stories of both places. That is unless they’re just that…stories. Or maybe they’re hallucinations or dreams that they truly believe are real.

When you consider those who believe you automatically go to hell if you don’t accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, this makes me wonder about some things. If this is true, how could I get myself to accept something I don’t even know if I believe in? This is just a story people tell and not anything I can verify as true or not. I can’t make myself believe what I don’t know. And what about babies who die before they’re old enough to be told these stories and possibly turned into believers? Do they automatically go to hell?

Lately, I find myself questioning what my behavior may achieve in the end if there is any such afterlife where our actions are judged. I worry I may “pay” for it in the end if there is an afterlife and I continue to ignore my family. But at the same time, I know I should follow my heart and my head whenever I feel it’s best to do so and just be myself for there are no guarantees I’m going to be judged for anything even if there is an afterlife.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2018 Woke up with this horrible pain in the center of my back but it’s better now. I’d say it’s time I stop the HIIT routines. I’m too old and heavy for those. I’d rather just do basic cardio, work my core, and play around on the Bowflex every now and then. I just wish I had the energy to do it more regularly!

I also woke up very tired. I was up a long time last night unable to sleep because I had been caught up on sleep the day before. I was up for about 19 hours and slept for about 9. I’ve been very tired ever since. I wonder if I overdid the tacrolimus, if I had a huge sugar crash from the cheesecake I ate, or if it’s something else. I’m just sick of feeling so blah so often. Even if I had a good story idea (though I don’t), I’m still too tired for too many days to do things like NaNoWriMo next month, especially with a hard word count of 50k.

We ordered the glasses today so they’ll be here within two weeks.

We used the new fish tank vacuum hose to siphon out half of the betta’s water and replaced it with filtered water. I aimed the temperature checker at the stream of water coming out of the faucet to make sure it was within the ballpark of what it’s supposed to be before I filtered it and Tom added conditioning drops.

I’m still stressed out over the upcoming Liothyronine experiment and going back and forth in my mind between reaching out to Tammy and the girls and not. I still don’t know what to make of her cryptic message. I’m just not sure what the right thing to do would be. I don’t want to come off like I don’t care at all but if they don’t care about me, then why bother? If they’d rather not hear from me then I should respect their wishes, but is that what they really want? I just don’t know what they would prefer. Hell, I don’t even know what I would prefer. We may have our differences and Tammy has certainly been both directly and indirectly responsible for causing me a lot of grief in life but I don’t want her to suffer or die. I realize, though, that if she is really dying and not just hyping things up because she’s pissed or wants attention she can’t otherwise ask for, for some reason, there’s nothing I can do about it.

Tammy has never been dumb but she isn’t bright either and I wonder if something’s been wrong with her brain these last few years. She’s always had a habit of seeming forgetful or not able to grasp quite what I’m saying almost in the way Andy has, though not nearly as bad. Yet these last few years I’ve noticed it more. It’s like no matter how many times I explained certain things to her like what I really meant when I said I didn’t want any drama, she still doesn’t get it. Is she just not understanding? Or is she just determined to make a situation what she wants it to be? I suppose both age and stress along with the health issues themselves could mess with her mind and the way her brain functions.

I realize this may be selfish of me but if the end is near, I feel like I’m less obligated to attend her funeral and have to deal with her kids. I would be ready with some excuse if it came to that, and truthfully, we really do need to watch our money since we have to pay so much in medical expenses as we age and continue to acquire more health issues. I feel I have enough of my own health issues right now to be taking off on my own, assuming Tom would be unable to accompany me. So yeah, I’m torn between being compassionate and selfish.

For once I got to have weird and funny dreams.

In one dream I was sleeping in a king-size bed between Palma and her husband of all people and they had a newborn baby in a nearby crib. We were all settling in for the night and I dreaded being woken up because I knew the damn kid wasn’t going to remain quiet all night.

Then I got up since I wasn’t ready to sleep anyway and was moving about the house which seemed to be in the form of a circle. Picture a circular hallway. Later, I was commanding Alexa to turn off certain lights before returning to bed. As I climbed over Palma and slipped in under the covers between the two, Palma was still awake if only barely and asked what I was doing. I said something about turning the lights off.

In the next dream, I was going down a slide in a park somewhere over and over again. A guy in his twenties who was noticeably taller than me but skin and bones was calling out lewd and perverted comments to me. Not only was I confused at why he would say such things to someone decades older and on the heavy side, but I was also getting pissed. So after I hit the ground I walked over to him and asked, “How much do I weigh?”

He looked at me with confusion. Just like I look younger than my age, I look lighter than I am. So again I asked him how much I weighed and he shrugged and said, “I don’t know, 120 maybe?”

I grabbed his wrist painfully and said through bared teeth, “152 pounds of pure steel, fat and fury. I suggest you think twice before calling out whatever to whoever.” Then I turned and walked off leaving him stoned behind me.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2018 What the hell did I just read???

I accidentally messaged Tammy on Facebook about my medication changes and all that, then said I was sorry for hitting her name by mistake. She said that’s okay, she’s in crisis too.

I asked what she was talking about and she said, “We haven’t spoken because you stated that you didn’t want any drama. No problem. I won’t be around for long.”

She misunderstood what I meant when I said I didn’t want any drama. I was upset with her kids calling me out on my own posts. That’s what I meant about the drama.

“Don’t reach out to my daughters either. I have one dealing with breast cancer and one with a bleeding ulcer and a hole in her stomach. This family loves and supports each other unconditionally. We still have your messages about family drama and being deleted by you.”

Wrong again, sis. I deleted you, but your selfish, narcissistic kids deleted me. Their choice. I’m just respecting their wishes.

As far as I knew, though, we’d moved on past this shit. I wished Sarah a happy birthday in our family group message and both she and Tammy thanked me for saying hello to everyone. I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. Some of what she said didn’t make sense and she would only hint at some things.

I told her to please not say she won’t be around much longer and that we know she will be because she’s tough. They once told her she would die from cervical cancer but she didn’t.

“Guess again, Jodi,” she said.

Guess what???

Okay, so she’s well aware of the dream premonitions I’ve had throughout the years and my concerns for when she’s 62. Well, that’s less than a year from now and she’s hinting at something bad. Something very bad. But because she’s not exactly spelling anything out specifically, I’m going to assume she’s just having a rough time and try not to worry. Even I feel like I’m not going to be around much longer at times. Hell, I wonder if I’ll survive the upcoming meds experiment! bites nails fearfully Seriously, I hope this is just her usual exaggerations. She’s been a hypochondriac all her life. Until and if she ever says otherwise in a way I can be sure isn’t some kind of twisted joke out of spite or for attention, I’m not going to read much into it. Even Tom said not to bother overthinking that one. I think if she were literally dying and was given a terminal prognosis, I would’ve been notified. I’ll not contact her again unless I do hear more from her.

As for her kids…last time I’ll say this: I’m sorry if anything I ever said or did hurt them which was never my intention, I’ve already apologized, and I still have a right to post what I want without being called out on it just like they do.

Meanwhile, will Lisa ever apologize for wrongly calling me a liar and going ballistic on me over a simple misunderstanding she had with someone who was bordering on dementia before they died when she could’ve politely and kindly asked me about it in a civilized manner? Apparently not and apparently this family does not love and support each other unconditionally, but that’s okay. I’m done bickering over petty shit that happened years ago, so yeah, I don’t want any drama. I have enough going on in my own life right now that needs to be dealt with. Besides, it’s okay to hurt me as far as they’re concerned. My feelings don’t matter.

If any of Tammy’s kids have what I’m told they have, I’m sorry. Really, I am. But while these things may suck to have to deal with and be very scary, they can be taken care of. 50 years ago, maybe not.

There’s more I could say to Tammy and her kids right now but I won’t for reasons I just stated. Also, if this is one of those rare times that she’s not playing things up, I don’t want her to go out of this world with us fighting.

For a while, I’ve had a feeling about that 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s thing. Larry died in his 50s. Parents died in their 80s. Been having feelings about Tammy dying in her 60s and me in my 70s. If I’m right, then technically I shouldn’t be too worried about my own health, but I was wrong about Tom’s mom dying at 87 or whatever the fuck it was. She’s 95 now. So yeah, I do worry at times about not living long enough to get out of this state someday be it because I throw in the towel because we can’t figure out how to stop my anxiety or because I’m surprised by something sneaking up on me be it a heart attack, stroke, cancer or whatever.

Later…

Three out of three appointments are now out of the way and I can now enjoy being appointment-free for 2 months… As long as there are no issues with the Liothyronine, of course. Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of thinking I have longer than I actually do before the next appointment.

Felt great today and we both had our eye exams. Same doctor for the last 4 years or so. She has the same assistant too.

His vision hasn’t changed much but I’m more farsighted this year. I figured as much. I’ve noticed that I’ve been having trouble when using my phone and laptop.

According to the test I took on a site that sells glasses, I don’t have a round face like I thought I did but a pear-shaped face instead. My pupil distance is 53, which is on the small side. I’ve got a dark pink round frame picked out for my progressive/transition lenses and a purple rectangular pair for my mid-range lenses that I’ll use for my laptop. Tomorrow we’ll add in the prescription numbers and order. The pink pair is 14 g and the purple pair is 17 g.

She said my OH is stable and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever have to worry about getting glaucoma. His eyes were dilated but I opted out of that this year. Next year she’s going to take pictures of the inside of my eyes so she can make sure the optic nerve is still healthy.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way out where I got chicken strips and he got burgers.

No bounding pulse today. It was pretty consistent yesterday and I’m still not sure why. Tom thinks it’s just stress. Well, then why didn’t I have this problem when I’d be stressing in the past? Different time, different situation, he said. I guess he has a point there.

Walmart now delivers in our town so we’re expecting a delivery in the morning. Like other stores, they don’t always have everything but they are cheaper and I do like their site better even if it’s not perfect. They also have a better selection than Raley’s and Safeway.

We were kind of pissed to get a bill for a grand for the steroid injection he had in his ear. I find it awfully hard to believe it cost that much. Actually more when you consider the part that the insurance paid.

As for Tammy… I still don’t know what to think. Despite having definite health issues, she is a hypochondriac and I would think I would have been told if she was really dying. I think she knew damn well what I met when I said I didn’t want any drama, too. This may sound funny, but if she’s hyping things up and is still alive in a year I’m going to be pissed. Implying that you’re dying when you’re not just because you’re pissed or you want attention is low. I mean really low.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2018 Managed to get through yesterday without feeling anxious and I’m doing okay today as well. Not great, but okay. Even when I’m not actually anxious I’m still stressed out and worried about the upcoming experiment and sometimes just worrying about being anxious can be bad enough. However, my bounding pulse is more noticeable today than anxiety. Definitely gotta ask my PCP about that in December. It’s getting old.

The experiment may start on Wednesday or Thursday instead of Friday because of a slight change in his schedule. He may work at home on Saturday night.

It really does seem like my whole problem has lied within my T4. This is what I’ve suspected all along too. It would explain why I go hyper while having hypo numbers, though my T4 was never actually hypo. I’ve always had a normal T4. It really does seem like my body feels best as long as my T4 remains at the very lower end of normal. I don’t understand why my pituitary gland keeps screaming for more but I’m hoping that the T3 (Liothyronine) will shut it the hell up since the louder it screams the more of a risk there is of enlarging my thyroid.

Charlotte R was in my dreams last night. Since people have shown up in my dreams twice that I remember right after they died, I checked the obits but she’s still alive. She would be very old now in her mid to late 80s.

In the dream, my mother was alive and I was with both of them and maybe some others in my childhood home. I don’t know if I was younger but my mother and Charlotte seemed like they were maybe in their 50s or 60s.

I came down the stairs dressed in pajamas and Charlotte looked at me funny and said something about suggesting a different style of pajamas or something like that.

“They’re only PJs,” I told her, with a dismissive wave of my hand.

Then she was looking from the living room into the kitchen but instead of a dining table being there, there were cabinets and shelves with some kind of boxes and containers.

“What the heck was that?” she asked and walked toward the boxes. Even though I didn’t see any mice, she decided one was trapped inside one of the boxes. Then she said, “Well, that mouse wants out,” and she started to adjust the boxes so it could get out.

“No, it doesn’t,” I assured her. “I know rats and mice may look similar but their behavior is different. I could tell you all the differences but that’d take too long and probably bore you. But I can assure you that mouse definitely does not want out.”

Speaking of mice, when I went into my main office in the living room and connected to the large monitor, I still experienced mouse jumping. Was hoping the upgrade would stop the jerking motion but I really can’t stand it in there anyway because of the loud daily landscaping that’s much easier to hear in there. My God, though, how many fucking times a week can you mow the same blades of grass and how many times can you blow the same fucking leaves?

Even trash day is a big production here. As horrible as Phoenix was, they drove up, dumped the trash, and then they were gone. But now it’s like they take forever, and as Tom said, they drive around aimlessly for no apparent reason.

We’re going to be ordering groceries from Prime Now to try it out sometime soon. It’s supposed to be same-day delivery.

Still waiting on the rat pillowcase from China. I guess it hasn’t cleared Customs yet. It was in San Francisco last I knew.

Wondering when I’m ever going to stop spotting. Really hope I get an even longer break before the next period!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2018 Reapplying the Return to Sender spell today and started praying to a God I don’t know exists or if it even gives a shit about me if it does. So far I’m oddly and wonderfully calm. I don’t know what to think at this point. I really don’t. I truly don’t understand why it’s so erratic. Why do I go hyper with hypo numbers? Again I wonder if there could be something else wrong with me that we don’t know about but that’s hard to believe with all the tests I’ve had done. Tom doesn’t think anything else is wrong either.

Someone recommended acupuncture, saying that her husband has OCD, PTSD and anxiety and it worked wonders for him after just 4 sessions. I doubt our insurance covers that but if I knew it would work, we would pay for it.

Aly said it didn’t do her dad any good for his back, but a Fitbit pal swears by it and goes monthly for help with anxiety and panic attacks.

The paramedics were at the stroke house again yesterday. I saw Virginia meet them. I guess it couldn’t have been too serious cuz they were here a while.

Because I stupidly removed the earbuds thinking I was getting up sooner than I did, traffic woke me up twice. Still slept better and feel more refreshed though not exactly bursting with energy, and the best thing is that I don’t remember a single dream from last night. Skin’s better too, so it was probably just a lotion thing. Regardless of Amy’s recommendations, Curél is still what my skin likes best.

Unfortunately, Aly’s current boyfriend, Cam, joined Ask and reached out to me with a question about whether or not I believe in witches. I answered politely and asked him a question in return but hesitated to get too involved. Knowing Aly’s fondness for nutjobs, I don’t want to become a potential target when the two of them break up in a few months. I can already tell he’s the type who would gladly in happily troll someone if he was pissed enough. He may not be crazy per se but he seems a little high on himself and controlling based on some of his answers and his bio which states he bends people to his will whether they like it or not. WeaknessSeeker is his username. I mean, come on. What does that alone tell you? Aly describes him as having a type-A personality.

Other than one leg still being sore, my bounding HR annoying me again, and the usual annoyances from landscaping, traffic and planes, not much else is going on at the moment.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2018 So much for thinking that only the nights bring out the depression in me because I’m pretty down right now. Yesterday I felt good but today I’ve got a lot of fatigue and my legs are sore as hell from the HIIT routine I did. I started to feel traces of anxiety and I even got a little teary-eyed because the upcoming Liothyronine experiment has me stressed out.

I’m just afraid of my worst fears being realized in the end where I’m stuck with this for life and we can never figure out what it is or how to fix it. That’s my worst fear right now. In some ways, this fear is greater than death itself, which has always been one of my greatest fears. I’m worried that because I floated up to where I was just bubbling underneath the surface of anxiety today it could mean I’m in for an anxious day tomorrow. Especially if the problem is the medication itself because now I’m taking it more often even if it’s a lower dose.

Sometimes I wonder if I should take the time to draft an “it’s a bust” message to Dr. O in hopes of jinxing things into working out in the end and not needing it, thus having it end up being a waste of time. But somehow I doubt that that will make a difference. If the problem is the medication itself, it’s not going away any time soon. If something up there is cursing me, it may never go away.

If this shit does go away I would need a good six months, preferably a year, before I could finally let out a long sigh of relief and declare victory over this demon. A few months isn’t enough when life has had a way of yanking the carpet out from under my feet when things run smoothly for a few weeks/months.

My hair and skin are dry, appetite is down, but that’s the least of my concerns right now. Keeping a daily log on Google Docs for my doc.

Last night’s dreams were long and disturbing. Well, one of them was.

In one dream I had lunch with Kathleen and the dentist was with us. Probably just a spam dream.

In another dream, I pulled out a clump of hair. Could be a sign that the Liothyronine is going to cause hair loss like the Levothyroxine initially did.

The kind of long, detailed dream like the last one I had is the kind that makes me wonder if it could have been a glimpse into another dimension. It was actually a series of continuing dreams. The first one started with us back in Arizona and living in a rural area. The house didn’t look anything like the house we had in Maricopa, though.

We were hanging outside when a woman drove up in a silver medium-size car and informed me that I was on unsupervised probation for the same shit I was supposedly vindicated for nearly 19 years ago. So we talked to this middle-aged lady with blonde shoulder-length hair. I guess I emailed something to the black bitch or was thinking about something I had emailed her a while back. I’m not sure which. But I guess I did something because, on another day in another dream, the same woman returned, also while we were outside. She informed me that they “found a partial email” I sent and therefore I would have to report.

I remained silent until she was getting back inside her car, turned to Tom and said, “There’s no fucking way they could have found anything.”

But I knew deep down I was guilty of something and wondered if I should keep that to myself or not. I also wondered what I should do if the police drove up if I failed to report, which I assumed would eventually happen, or if I should just go to the damn PO that I assumed would still be Scott.

Initially, I decided to remain stubborn, determined not to let history repeat itself. I was not going to be told what to do, where to do it, and when to do it.

Then one evening, just as the sun had almost completely set, I was home alone, nervous and paranoid as hell. I realized that it would be very hard to hide with all the windows we had and since we had no garage, we couldn’t hide Tom’s car when he was home. There was no way we could constantly hide in the dark at night without making a sound either.

Things aren’t what they were nearly 20 years ago, I thought to myself. You’re going to have to abandon your online life completely if you want to go underground.

Then I heard a vehicle approaching and saw headlights shining, though I couldn’t see who it was.

At this point, I woke up, fell back asleep and the dream continued yet again where Tom and I were out somewhere and I was expressing my concerns. He didn’t seem worried, though.

Next thing I know we’re at the probation office. I guess we decided to just deal with it after all. I sat in a waiting area and observed some woman and a guy behind the counter. I thought wow, if that’s Scott, he lost some weight and grew a little hair on his head. We figured the reason he always wore a cap in real life was that he was going bald.

Then we were finally led into a room and I realized the guy wasn’t Scott because he was too tall and his voice was different.

We all took seats, them on what looked like a twin bed, me on a chair, and briefly joked about something. Suddenly, I had a rat on my lap but no one seemed to notice or mind. I hoped it wouldn’t get too fidgety or take a dump during the meeting.

Then the guy went on to read some journal excerpts I’d written about my supposed polycythemia vera that I sent the black bitch and thought to myself, so the first email address I guessed from memory really did go through and really was the correct one.

I don’t know if I admitted sending the email or denied it because the dream ended at that point and didn’t continue on in another dream.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2018 It was with mixed emotions that I returned to my endocrinologist yesterday. She looked the best I’ve ever seen her and I like her hair longer (bet she’ll cut it by our next visit) even though she may have put on a few pounds, and while she may be one of the smartest doctors I’ve ever known, I would have preferred never to have to see her again on account of the on-and-off anxiety I’ve suffered for over 4 years now. Just when I think it’s gone for good (along with my period) back it comes with a vengeance!

I ended up leaving her office not so much feeling relieved but definitely feeling both nervous and hopeful. I don’t know how confident she is that the new regimen will help and I didn’t think to ask. All she said was that she hoped it would help since she’s been surprised by others who have responded better to Liothyronine. She said that due to the anxiety I’ve had she had been hesitant to try me on it. She wouldn’t want to try me on Armour because it’s too much, she said. I’ve heard that because it’s pig thyroid it’s not as consistent as the synthetic version.

I am to drop to 50 micrograms for one week and then add 5 micrograms of the Liothyronine which should put me where I was on 75s. Yes, I’m nervous about it, but as I told her, I’ve gotten pretty desperate and I need to try whatever I can possibly try. I guess that if worse comes to worst I’ll have to take just 50 micrograms of Levothyroxine only and leave it at that. I would be so devastated if I started having problems on that but as far as I remember, I didn’t have problems the last time I was on 50s. If I could just go more than 6 months without anxiety, then I could begin to think maybe we’ve figured out and solved the problem.

Levo is T4, Lio is T3. Funny that yet again that very unlucky number 4 is connected to the Levo, a drug that’s made me feel so horrible. I’m still nervous as hell, though, cuz they both list similar side effects. It’s scary because the anxiety and racing/booming heart it can cause is so awful and terrifying. It’s not like I might get a headache or gassy or something like that.

Oh, fuck! I just read that a single dose of Lio can reach its max effect in just 24 hours since it’s so powerful and can even cause cardiac arrest. Great. Just great.

Okay, so Tom and I did more research. It should only be risky if you’re in a coma or something and receiving it intravenously. It also seems to be a short-acting drug which is a bit comforting to know so it wouldn’t take weeks or even months to recover like when she tried me on 88s.

He suspects Doc O thinks the low thyroid is causing my anxiety and that Levo isn’t treating it properly. Not sure if I agree, though. I mean the 88s definitely caused anxiety and panic attacks. Definitely. But could the “stabbers” be the low thyroid? But then why didn’t I have the same problem before I was diagnosed?

As I also told her, I’m doing better overall than I was in 2014-2015, but why this comes and goes when my numbers have never shown me to be hyper, we have no idea. I didn’t seem to have anything wrong with my pituitary or adrenal glands when she checked them way back when, so I’m still thinking that the main culprit is probably what I’ve always suspected, something about the medication itself. It’s too extreme for perimenopause and I can’t believe I would just up and become this way for no reason and so late in life. So if it’s not the meds, then maybe it is something else related to the thyroid.

Anyway, I went to the lab right after I saw her which was on the main floor of the building. Despite the horrible traffic to and from the place at least it has a lab in the building.

When I first entered the Endocrinology Department, it was actually kind of dead. In the past, it was usually crowded. I was checked in by a beautiful young woman with perfect teeth who was so friendly for such a good-looking woman. Usually, women that pretty are snobs.

I was taken in by a nurse who seemed kind of bored, mechanically going through the motions of her job.

BP and HR were slightly high.

The doctor opened the door slowly when she came in, so she knew Tom was there. Did she spot us from an office on the way in or did the nurse tell her I wasn’t alone?

I told her of the symptoms I’ve been having, including the bounding pulse but she didn’t seem worried. She listened to my heart, felt my thyroid, and checked my hands for tremors. My lungs were tight enough afterward that I needed a hit off my inhaler but that was probably due to stress.

What was strange was the doctor’s overall demeanor. I can’t really put a finger on it and describe exactly how she was acting. It wasn’t anything she said although she did seem to talk less and listen more this time around. I swear in her message to me she said she wanted to see me to go over “all the issues” with Liothyronine. Yet the only thing she really said about the stuff was that it can cause the same problems Levothyroxine can cause when it’s too much.

The way she moved and the expression on her face makes me think of anything from amusement to being uncomfortable with me to having a thing for me. Could it be that she was thinking of Peter and perhaps a bit embarrassed? I don’t know what to think or make of the airs she gave off but if I didn’t know any better I would wonder if she was into me in some way or at least liked what she saw yesterday. I can’t believe the last one is the case, though. The last time I saw her I sensed both discomfort and impatience coming from her. She was very businesslike and didn’t even crack a smile that I recall. Again, it’s very hard to subscribe but she was totally different this time. As good as I am with words, I can’t quite put my finger on this one or find the correct words to describe it. It’s times like that that I wish Aly could’ve been a fly on the wall just long enough to observe the scene and give me her opinion. She’s extremely intuitive and smart. I’d like to think I am as well at times but I’m stumped on this one. It’s not important as long as she helps me. I’m just naturally curious. I also have a gut feeling saying she reads my blog. Maybe not regularly but enough to get a general sense of what’s up with me.

She was complaining about the new computer system they just got. Yeah, change sucks. It’s frustrating as there are always problems and new things to learn. They changed the portal, too. Not sure if it’s better or not.

I’m to return to the lab and see her in a couple of months. In fact, I see her the same day I see Dr. A. It’d be great to get them both over with on the same day.

In case I didn’t already say so, I absolutely love my new White Water Fairy. She really does look like she’s kneeling in water! You can also see the finely detailed painted purple flowers on part of her dress better in person than online. Love her long auburn hair too.

We went to the Goodwill before my appointment yesterday but didn’t find anything interesting there. We also picked up “Butterboy,” as I’m calling our butterfly betta, a pastel-colored castle hideaway but he doesn’t seem interested in it. So $14 wasted unless you want to consider it a cute decoration.

With yet ANOTHER project (by Bob & Virginia) I worry about being woken up too soon this week. As is usually the case, this obviously isn’t just a day or two kinda job. I can hear vehicle doors slamming which sound like doors in apartments, and some pounding. No saying for sure that the sound machines will override it.

Furthermore, on top of the usual landscaping and traffic, that fucking car came and went 2-3 times today. Enough that it may as well just live here. God, I hope that doesn’t become a regular thing again! Love how I haven’t heard that obnoxious mutt, though.

Amazed at how fat my outdoor potted cactus has gotten!

Oh, here are my lab results. Results are as shitty as expected. T3 & T4 are normal and I’m just on the edge of menopausal. However, my TSH is 27! I showed her all the skips I charted on Google Docs on my phone so she wasn’t surprised.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2018 We got a beautiful blue male butterfly betta at Petco yesterday. He seems much healthier and much more alert and curious than Flaky did. He’s a very nimble swimmer and this time around we went with no gravel at all and wish we’d done that from the get-go. They definitely seem to like this better because the bottom is smooth for them to rest on and there’s no worrying about their delicate fins being dragged along the rough gravel or torn. He does have his leaf hammock and a few artificial plants, though. We may eventually add a hideaway as long as he lives. After losing the other one in just a week, we want to make sure this one fares well. As it was, one of the many betta fish at the store was dead.

Flaky was beautiful but this one’s even more beautiful and twice as expensive. Like with Flaky he has a dark blue-black head with a royal blue body and the tips of his fins, unlike Flaky’s, are white. No hints of green or red hues like Flaky had, though. He’s more of a vivid electric blue. Within a day he was swimming up for the flakes of food I would drop in for him. He’s not nearly as shy as Flaky started off to be. He’s got his bubble game on, so I’d say he’s definitely happy.

Backing up to last Thursday and Friday. I felt absolutely horrible those days. I was wound up, my heart raced, I felt weak and lightheaded, and I would get winded rather easily despite being in decent shape. I still sometimes get that strange humming sensation in my head too.

I went out walking both days to make sure I got some sun exposure but still felt awful.

Took my nail polish off and let my nails clear up and they have cleared up nicely. They just have the ridges they’ve always had. Putting on the last of my designer falsies tomorrow but then no more. They’re just too much of a pain in the ass as cool as they look. So, dark metallic green with silver accents then it’s back to regular polish.

I’ve been taking my medication every other day and definitely stressed out about tomorrow’s appointment with Dr. O. I worry that there are no options for me but that’s what I thought with my LS even though, strangely enough, I’ve been waking up itchy the last few days. I hope using the Tacrolimus once a day is enough! Even more so, I hope I do go into remission.

Friday I was horribly tired but part of that may have been cuz I was hung-over from taking a Zyrtec the night before.

I’m just tired of feeling like shit half the time or more! I struggle way too much of the time both physically and emotionally and it’s just not right. Never knowing what you’re in for each day is no way to live. As I’ve always said, this is absolutely not normal for me. I’m desperate enough to try any alternative but I’m also scared at the same time as I still do have a medication phobia. Worst case scenario, I stick to what I’m on and just lower my dose. At first I was thinking that I couldn’t turn these 75s into 50s since the pill cutter cuts pills in half, but then I realized that after I cut them in half I could take a cut half and cut that in half as well, and then dump the other half of that half, duh. That will amount to about 56 micrograms.

I forgot to mention that Amy said they never got the info regarding the biopsy I had done with Sutter after signing a form for a release of info. My first thought was, now why oh why does that not surprise me in the least? Figured Alyssa would give me a hard time with that. I let her have it on Facebook for it too, not that I expect she’ll ever see the message. If she does, she certainly isn’t going to say anything about it or react in any way.

Anyway, I’m nervous about my appointment tomorrow. I know what a talker she is and I’m worried she’s not going to let me get much of a word in edgewise even though I have several things to share with her and ask her. I’m even more worried that there are no alternatives for me and that I’m going to continue to suffer most of the time indefinitely if not for the rest of my life. I’m feeling hopeless enough to seriously start thinking about ending it all at the end of the year or thereabouts. I’ve had enough! Tom feels confident that suffering forever won’t be the case and says it’s only logical that I would eventually get better but after 4+ years it’s hard for me to be as optimistic. This is the last thing I can think of to try to help myself. So if no other drug helps and cutting back doesn’t help, then what’s left for me?

I’m also getting tired of how everything I eat is a problem for me. If it isn’t something that’s got too much cholesterol, sugar or sodium, then it makes me have a gassy or upset stomach in some kind of way. I’ve been trying to have more fiber to keep regular. Oh, I’m regular all right. Too regular. So just what can I eat that isn’t going to be a problem in some way?

Maybe I ought to try partial fasting since it’s not as bad for you as a lot of people think. I’ll verify it with the doctor tomorrow but it’s actually good for you. Sort of like a detox for the body. It should only be bad for your metabolism if you do it too long. Furthermore, Tom told me he just read about a study they did on type 2 diabetes. In the experiment, they had some people fast every other day and some fast for 3 days a week. They no longer needed medication afterward!

Tom decided that rather than pay $600 to get a hearing aid that only they can control and that he can’t set up and adjust on his own, he’s going to get these things called Hearphones for $500 on Amazon that he can tweak himself at any time. In fact, they’re coming today. They’re crossovers that will hopefully help with distortion. He says they may even help me in noisy situations. If I’m in a noisy store or restaurant, it can be hard to hear him. I hear him, I just don’t always understand what he’s saying but he does talk softly.

Yesterday morning we went to Sam’s Club before we got the betta and for $20 I decided to get this kids’ chemistry kit where you make your own perfume, lip gloss and bath bombs. Making the perfume was simple enough but the shitty instructions caused me to screw up the lip gloss. Not only that but the roller ball in the bottles doesn’t work well. I hate that when roller balls get stuck!

Haven’t attempted the bath bombs yet.

We updated my computer from Sierra to Mojave and so far it seems to help with the mouse jumping. When hooked up to my large monitor, it was causing a herky-jerky motion of the mouse. It could still start up at some point but so far so good.

“You’ve already shared that dog pic,” someone said on my LR Ask account.

Andy? Hmm… Aly says it’s not her and if she’s telling the truth could it be that German-speaking nurse in Serbia? But Tatiana usually asks me questions in German, if she does, and that doesn’t seem like something she would say. But Andy definitely would.

The thing is that I already shared the dog pic on my DI account. Not LR. So it’s someone who’s aware of both accounts. To my knowledge, this could only be Andy, Aly or Tatiana. I just didn’t think Andy would remember my LR account or even his login to his own original Ask account. He either logged into his first account where he would probably still be following LR and noticed I was using it again, or he remembers that account. He may also have been following it from his second Ask account, though, now that I think of it.

Last night I had this dream some tough guy and his girlfriend and I were talking and I was telling him he was going to hit the wrong woman someday. Someone like me.

“I fight back,” I said.

Then a little while later I was walking through some neighborhood with very short streets. The same guy rounded a corner and startled me and after I said I almost kicked the crap out of him for it until I realized who it was, I asked what he was doing.

“Turning the water off,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“So they’ll refuse to fix it.”

I knew this meant that someone was going to be working on the pipes in the area the following day and he didn’t want them doing that for some reason.

Then I was walking down a flight of stairs outdoors at night with two women that I was either working for or living with. They said something about getting railings put up since it could be dangerous going up and down the stairs in the dark.

Then I was talking to a guy about taking a bus somewhere because Tom would be unable to drive me somewhere I needed to be the next day and transferring buses along the way.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2018 Really like the last perfume sample I got by Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s the best one yet.

I did some research and it seems like what I have may be called a bounding pulse. There can be many reasons for it but it definitely seems like my main problem is sodium. The more I have, the more my blood pressure spikes and the more I feel and notice the pulse in the side of my neck. I don’t know why my body is reacting this way lately to sodium but I guess it’s just age.

My appointment yesterday went well. Amy can see the improvement and there’s a chance it may be curable after all. I don’t want to get my hopes up but there was a study done where a handful of people used Tacrolimus for 10 months and went into remission. The thing is that Amy doesn’t know when the study was done and how long the participants remained in remission. She said if I don’t hear from her in 2 weeks to call her for more info. She’s going to check into it for me.

For now, she recommends moisturizing cream as opposed to lotion. I didn’t know there was a difference between the two but I guess lotion has more alcohol in it and can be more drying. She gave me a goodie bag with all kinds of samples. I have like 4-5 different products and a total of 20 samples to try.

She checked the red spot on my shoulder and didn’t think it looked suspicious. I told her about the one my PCP froze with liquid nitrogen. She said if it becomes a problem she can freeze it off but doesn’t think it’s any big deal. She looked at the sprinkling of “zits” on my upper arm which is very hard to see but I can feel. It’s that actinic keratosis. This is similar to what I had on my back but I don’t think they’ll become the same problem that will need a blast of liquid nitrogen. She wasn’t worried about it. The itchy red bumps I get under my arms, however, are also LS, as LS prefers areas that get moist. She said I can use the Tacrolimus there when I get irritation.

I also asked her about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days and she said that if they were raised and reddish they could probably do something about them but since they’re flat and white, probably not. She said there’s a place that does laser procedures but it costs thousands and isn’t guaranteed. So I’ll pass!

I go back for a follow-up in June.

I continue to worry about Tom and the kidney pain he’s been having and the way he’s neglecting to get a PCP. Somehow it’s all my fault, too. At least that’s the way he makes me feel, saying all my appointments and research I asked him to do wears him out even though he says he wants me to take care of all my appointments. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Take care of things so I can cut back the appointments. I don’t have to see Amy or my ENT until June and my next dental check-up isn’t until March. Meanwhile, I don’t expect the eye exam to spawn any additional appointments but I can’t say for sure about Dr. O. Believe me, I’m a lot sicker of all these problems and appointments than he is!

He says it’s important that he works to support us and I understand that he needs to work since I can’t supplement our income but as I reminded him, he can’t work if he’s in the hospital or dead because he let things get out of hand. So I told him that if I stop asking about how he feels, it isn’t that I stopped caring or worrying but because it seems to bother him when I do ask. I will start doing my own research, which I usually do anyway and had only asked him in case he came up with additional info, but it’s not my fault if something’s wrong with him and I don’t think he should use my appointments or anything else as an excuse to neglect his health.

Most of the soreness in my boobs is gone but I’m still spotting. :( Still getting that strange “humming” or vibrating sensation in my head at times, too.

Looking forward to this cute white pond fairy with really long auburn hair on Saturday. We also got things in preparation for whatever new fish we end up getting this weekend which could be a betta, tetras or both. There is actually a type of tetra that can live with bettas just fine. I really like the GloFish. Our 3-gallon tank would be a little small for the bigger ones but Danios would be fine if we found some we liked.

The Brita water filter pitcher arrived and I wish I’d gotten it a long time ago! It makes the tap water almost completely tasteless like our bottled water. I think I’m going to use it in the Keurig and the fish tank along with a special chemical you add to make the water even safer for fish, but I will continue to drink bottled water and use that for the plants and rats as well. After doing some research, I found that filtered water should be fine for fish. Besides, the tank has its own filter as well. He printed out a screen to keep them from getting sucked into the bottom of it and we also ordered a new heater.

I had some weird dreams last night. In one of the dreams, a character from one of my stories was driving us to the center of this town that displayed a large number each year, though I’m not sure what the number represented. I said to “Michelle,” “Look, the number is always the same number of years we’ve been together.”

Then I had a dream that I was browsing through a store and I noticed the same particular fabric with the same colors and design on yet another style of clothing. I had seen it on purses and other apparel and this time it was on a sundress.

Then I was driving somewhere and I was absolutely terrified.

Then Tom and I got into some silly argument over abortion. More like a debate but either way he seemed to be against it even though he is pro-choice like I am. I said something to the effect of us using birth control rather than following instinct.

In the last dream, Scott and Tom were present and we were heading somewhere. Tom walked out the door of some large room and Scott was about to follow when he told me to pull my panties up. I was wearing nothing but a pair of plain white panties as if that was perfectly normal and was struggling to pull them up even though they didn’t seem to want to budge, haha.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2018 I’ve had a definite rough night and it has nothing to do with anxiety, fatigue, or anything like that. Instead, we lost Flaky.

When I got up I noticed his “tail” caught in the filter. I immediately ran and unplugged the filter and thought he would be okay. However, he struggled to rise from the floor of the tank. All he could do was sort of slither along the bottom. I thought he was a bit injured and perhaps a bit in shock as well but would eventually recover.

With him in the kitchen, I returned to the bedroom where my laptop was and heard this strange knocking sound I’ve never heard before. My immediate thought was that it was some kind of nocturnal animal underneath the house. A skunk, a possum, a raccoon… I didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later I heard it again but still didn’t think much of it. Then I went back into the kitchen to find him gone.

Although I always try to be a realist in that I look for scientific proof and evidence in things and try not to assume anything based on wishful thinking, I thought of the knocking and wondered if it could possibly be his way of saying goodbye. I’m not sure if there’s an afterlife but it was definitely a weird coincidence and I haven’t heard the knocking again since. I would think there’s some kind of logical explanation for it but I’ll just have to wait and see if I hear it again.

Then Tom got up who didn’t get home until after I crashed yesterday. He told me he was sure he didn’t die because he got caught in the filter but because he was having trouble swimming and that’s why he got caught in the filter. He thinks something was wrong with him when he got home. He was acting sick and like he was having trouble swimming.

So with sadness, since Flaky had adjusted well and seemed like a very bright, alert and friendly little guy who would swim right up to me when I would put my fingertips in the water, I flushed him down the toilet and said goodbye.

Then I took a shower and we went for a walk. Now, when I got up I wasn’t having any bleeding and thought my period might have been over as of yesterday even though that’s not what my still sore boobies were telling me. Sure enough, after we went walking, mixing in a bit of running, it ended up causing me to flow like a river. It’s beyond frustrating and disappointing but it is just my shit luck and now I realize that not only does this reset the one-year clock I was within 6 weeks of hitting, but that I’m anything but menopausal. I may not be for several years to come. Although unlikely, it really is possible to get a period every so often throughout most of your 50s. I did read that no one in their 60s has ever had periods so that’s good.

I also realize this still leaves my hormones wide open to affecting my moods. I still believe the medication is the main culprit and I always have but now I realize that some of the anxiety could be attributed to that. I just hope it’s a little longer before my next period, and yes, there will be a next one. I know better now. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I’m going to be in the perimenopause stage for quite some time to come even though I just read that the average woman in the U.S. has her final period at age 52 and I’m still 52.

That isn’t it. Oh no, there’s been quite a bit of action today. I nearly burned the fucking house down. I don’t know why I did something so stupid but I took the filter and heater out of the tank, forgetting to unplug them first, and placed them on a towel because they were wet. Then I dumped the 3-gallon tank and suddenly I could smell burning plastic. That was when I looked and saw smoke coming from the heater which I immediately yanked out of the plug and doused with water in the sink. My lungs are a bit tight now. Glad I have an inhaler but I shouldn’t need it!

I am seriously beginning to wonder if something is trying to stop us from having fish. And then I had this crazy thought about our beloved long gone but never forgotten Tinkerbell, and it’s not the first time I’ve had this thought either. We’ve had such shitty luck with pets overall since coming to this state 11 years ago that a part of me wonders if there is an afterlife and if she is there saying, “Oh no, I was the queen. No pets allowed that are even remotely as good as I was!”

Tinkerboy was a good rat and Sugar was an outstanding one but then he had a stroke. And now this friendly little fish is gone. What, was Tinkerbell up there thinking he was too friendly to be our pet that he must be replaced with a timid fish that always runs and hides whenever we walk in the room? Again, I’ve always tried to be a realist, logical and base things on science and don’t see how an afterlife or reincarnation is very plausible. But every now and then some weird things happen that make me wonder. I mean, I’m proof that people can have dream premonitions yet there’s no explanation for knowing the unknown, is there?

I wonder why my dreams didn’t warn me about Flaky but I certainly don’t see everything coming my way. I did have a dream my parents were alive and we were hanging out with Caroll Spinney. Anyway, in the dream, I asked him to do his Big Bird voice for my parents and he did. Yet my parents didn’t seem the least bit fazed.

I learned something interesting about Ask. I was a naughty girl and anonymously said something I knew would annoy Aly as a prank. Even though it was just one thing, she blocked me. I didn’t think you could block anonymous questions but then why wouldn’t you be able to when you now need to have an account, after all? I don’t know why it let me “heart” some of her answers but she never received any of my questions even though I never got a message saying that I’ve been blocked. So I’m just assuming that’s what happened even though the site is notorious for glitches. This was the Dusty Illusions account that I used mostly with Andy.

I then realized he probably did harass me as well only I never saw the questions cuz I had him blocked. This is only if Aly blocked me. If she did, then you can apparently still ask questions; they just won’t be visible to whom you’re asking.

So I decided to delete the Dusty account and reactivate Lady Rainbow and I also unblocked Andy because I’m curious to see what happens. I don’t think he remembers that account but we’ll see. I won’t ask Aly anything with my name showing so that if he’s watching her, it won’t flag his attention.

Since I couldn’t tell Aly I’m switching accounts because I sent her a nasty question and she blocked me, I told her it was because that account not only is less associated with Andy but is also plugged into an email address that still exists, and this is the truth. Dusty Illusions is connected to my old MyOpera email which is no good since the site went down 8 years ago and it won’t let me change it.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2018 Here we go again with my “gift” that I don’t exactly feel grateful for or see as a gift. I’m 52 years old, hadn’t had a period in nearly 11 months, and was pretty sure I’d hit menopause. On September 29th, I dreamed I told Stacey that I was so pissed to find I had a period starting after going nearly a year. Although the dream gave me a bad feeling and I knew deep down it meant something, I tried to push it out of my mind. But then a couple of days ago I noticed I started feeling a bit PMSy. Can you guess what happened yesterday? Yeah, you guessed it. Now the dream is an official premonition. rolls eyes This is just one of many negative dream premonitions I’ve had over the years.

I said to Tom, “Why can’t I ever see good stuff coming in my dreams?” I just got an adorable kitty figurine from Amazon that I randomly spotted when browsing the site. Now why couldn’t I have dreamed of spotting a cute little kitty figurine, then spotting one for real as I did? LOL

So I went 6 or 7 months before a period, then 10.5 months, so maybe next time I’ll go 14-15 months.

I don’t think it means anything but I also dreamed that someone asked if I was scared and my dream self automatically knew I had terminal cancer. I just said, “yup” in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

Not the kind of dream a person like me wants to have (or even non-psychics) but I really don’t think it means anything.

Really getting sick of the “insufficient energy” messages I’ve been getting and how some sites run snail-slow because of it. Or maybe it’s connected to the monitor. I know I’m getting tired of the mouse jumping that I’m contemplating doing away with the monitor altogether as much as it helps me see better.

I showed Aly, who was diagnosed with severe anemia years ago, a picture of my cloudy, whitish unpolished nails and she said that that’s what hers look like. She said symptoms include pain on the left side of the breast, pale skin, feeling cold to the point of having chills, weakness and sudden fatigue. But many things can cause fatigue and I get cold easily.

She said she’s never seen ridges as bad as mine and asked if it could be a health issue but as far as I know it’s just how I am. Maybe I’ll go with unpolished nails to Dr. O and see what she thinks.

Interestingly enough, I read that low iron can cause anxiety. So they’re either not testing my iron like we think they are or it’s recently become a problem if there’s a connection at all. It could just be all the polish and remover but why now? It’s not like I recently started polishing my nails. I always have polish on my nails. Always.

In Bleederville, I’m still between spots and a light flow and my tits are still a bit sore. Wouldn’t be surprised if the dam burst into a full flow in a day or two.

Had some neck knockers in my sleep and I’m definitely feeling fatigued right now but that’s probably the period. Bleeders are iron suckers. Some things make sense now…the intense hunger I had for a few days, my weight up a few pounds, getting stuck when I was 155. That usually doesn’t happen until I hit down at 152-153. I’m 155 right now and I haven’t gone. I don’t want to either after yesterday’s butt explosion. Yeah, I may have hemorrhoids if it isn’t my LS that caused the bleeding when I took a dump yesterday. My shit has been hard lately which can cause hemorrhoids. I think it was more likely that than the LS.

Just went, actually, but my ass remained gratefully intact.

The buzzing sensation in my head gets annoying but my BP hasn’t been high lately and I’ve been monitoring it closely.

My schedule better not back up anymore because now I’m on for 5 AM Dr. O day. I don’t want to deal with her after being up 12 or more hours. If it keeps slowing down as it has been I just might make Dr. A after all.

My shower is no longer usable as water leaks out from under the door so much that I may as well shower with it open. I think the plastic guard underneath came loose but I can still freshen up in there cuz water doesn’t hit the door when I do that like it does when I shower. No problem. I can just use Tom’s shower. One of the things I like about my 2-in-1 Pantene is that while it makes my hair a little less manageable, it stays cleaner longer so I don’t always have to wash it every day.

Later…

We installed the prism window cling in the laundry room and it looks great. Maybe in a few years, for variety, I’ll get this blue floral design that will make it look like a stained glass window.

The Hawaiian course is “hatching” but still in beta and not all the lessons or sounds are there. I guess I should wait a while.

I sent one final message assuring Nissan that I would never contact her again after this unless I was contacted but that I think it’s pretty sad that some people harbor so much hate, resentment and animosity in their hearts over such petty nonsense from decades ago. I was young, for God’s sake, and I think it’s safe to say she was guilty of similar things. I mean come on, does she really think I don’t think she was behind some of those prank phone calls any more than I think Maliheh wasn’t behind the ones I got in South Deerfield?

I noticed she went and hid her friend list as small as it was and next, she’ll probably block me but I don’t care. No account is sacred to me. Especially if we haven’t paid them anything.

I know everyone is different and we all have a right to be how we are but it just seems like such an extreme reaction to what happened. Yet people can be so hateful and unforgiving for the dumbest of things. Again, where’s all this forgiveness the world preaches? No one seems to actually act on it but hey, sometimes I wish I was just as unforgiving.

Went to Walgreens yesterday morning and I got a pair of small “diamond” barrettes. They’re too small to hold all my hair but if I want to put the sides back they’re good for that.

I also got blue nail polish by Vinylux which is an expensive but great brand of high-quality polish. It lasts longer than most polishes though you still need two coats. At first, I didn’t like it because it’s such a dark shade of blue that’s almost navy and even looks black in dim lighting but it’s kind of growing on me.

Flaky really seems to be avoiding his brightly colored gravel so after finding things online suggesting they really do get stressed by bright colors, I removed the neon gravel. This kicked up a lot of debris and I really think I should change all of his water every week instead of just half of it.

Skipped my meds today and the day before yesterday. I’m a little fatigued and lightheaded but feeling better than I felt earlier. I just want to get all my fucking appointments over with!

It almost depresses me to think how long Tom has before he retires. I always loved spending most of my time alone but now I definitely don’t care for it. Hell, I’d love to go back to the days when I didn’t feel the way I feel so much of the time now, wishing he wasn’t around so damn often like when he was unemployed, never having appointments or needing medication.

The shower door in the master bedroom which is a piece of shit is leaking. That’s the one with the door that opens outward. The water guard on the bottom is bent so we’ll have to replace it again. I know this place isn’t as old as some of the places I’ve lived in but damn am I sick of old places! Please tell me our next place will be built in this millennium! Seriously, it’s no real big deal because I can still freshen up there and take showers in the bigger shower which I prefer anyway.

I wonder if they ever had the Oktoberfest concert they were supposed to have yesterday? I hope they got it out of their system while I slept because I hate it when I have to listen to the bass-thumping when I’m awake and be forced to drown it out with the sound machine or something. I absolutely hate it when others force their activities on me!

Not sure if I mentioned the adorable rat pillowcase I ordered from China with a picture of a rat on it eating a candy bar. I have one of those gel cushions on my desk chair and I think I’ll use it there.

Tom uploaded OSX’s latest operating system, Mojave, and he’ll use it for a week to test it out. If there are no problems we’ll load it onto my computer.

I had a dream I was jogging through the park at night. I was just coming around by the RVs and heading to Oak Lake. As I went to turn onto OL, I looked out the front gate at some strange bluish light just beyond.

Then all of a sudden I had this shopping cart at my side. I don’t know what was in it but this strange woman who morphed into Kathleen was curious about its contents and started sifting through the items. I asked what she was looking for and she said, “I should get some serious favors for all these questions.”

“Just tell me what you want done and I’ll do it,” I told her.

Then I was in the hall of an apartment building and could hear her arguing with some guy. One of the apartment’s doors was open and I knew it was Kathleen’s place. I stepped into the apartment and didn’t see anyone. Then I stepped back out into the hall where a black woman was passing through with an amused expression on her face which I knew was on account of the bickering. I stopped her and said, “I’m deaf in one ear and can’t tell the direction of sound. Can you tell me where those voices are coming from?”

She pointed upward and then walked on.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2018 Flaky, as I’ve been calling the betta because of the way he prefers flakes to pellets, now has some artificial plants and a leaf hammock in his tank. So far he seems unimpressed with all of it. He probably just needs time to get used to it. It seemed to take him a while to get used to his brightly colored gravel. I guess bright colors can stress some fish out. I probably should have gotten neutral-colored gravel since that is what they’re used to in the wild, after all.

He warmed up to me rather quickly. He doesn’t seem to mind it at all when I stick my hand in the tank. He was actually more afraid of the damn plants than of me, LOL.

I also got my new kitty figurine and I totally love it! Very cute, realistic, and life-size. They’re typically intended for gardens but I don’t want to throw something so beautiful outdoors to be spoiled by the elements. It’s just too adorable to eventually end up dirty and faded by the sunlight. The next one I want to get is a playful Jack Russell Terrier.

I also got the final round of bamboos to complete the organizer. I got 10 stalks and I’m not sure what they are. The rings are further apart than on the lotuses but they’re closer than on the regular bamboos. The leaves sort of resemble that of the lotus but are placed a little further down the stems.

Last week was the first week I was on nights and didn’t get woken up while sleeping during the daytime. Slept with a bamboo on the headboard shelf and I wonder if it helped safeguard my sleep. Really wish they could safeguard me from anxiety! Was borderline yesterday and so far I’m okay today. I skipped yesterday but not today.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2018 We got the betta set up in the new tank and he’s definitely happier there. He’s been making bubble nests in the top corner of the tank. According to what I looked up, it has to do with breeding. Well, he isn’t getting a girlfriend!

The artificial plants going in the betta’s tank will be here tomorrow. For now, he has colorful gravel with a mix of pink, blue and green.

The filter is gentle enough so that the farthest corner of his tank is almost still and the heater keeps him at about 78 degrees.

I continue to have random BP spikes and I sometimes get this strange vibration in my head. This “humming” sensation of sorts. Worst of all, I was surprisingly anxious yesterday and well past the amount of time it usually lasts after taking my meds. Totally dismayed too, of course, and feeling hopeless where that’s concerned. Unless my endo can work some kind of miracle, I may literally be forced off the medication my body otherwise needs. Again I find myself wondering if there’s something up there and if it deliberately gave me a disease in which it knew damn well I couldn’t handle the medication to treat it with. It’s a scary thought to think something up there could do that to me but I still say it’s unlikely there’s anything up there at all. I really hope not! Either way, I really thought it would be a while before the next bout of anxiety. Really, I’m just SICK of this fucking game! Sick of trying to figure it out year after year and getting nowhere. Do I literally have to die to stop it?

Anyway, I’ve skipped today but also surprisingly, I’m still slightly wound up. Went out for a half-hour walk and now I’m doing the laundry as Tom sleeps.

Aly sure is becoming angrier these days, mostly due to political shit going on and corrupt politicians. I understand her anger but nothing is going to change the twisted world we live in and make it fair. I realize it’s pointless to get angry over things that can’t be changed. I don’t like them but I accept them.

I slept better last time around and I think this is the first week I ever slept during the daytime without traffic waking me up. Really wish I discovered these sleeping earbuds half a decade ago! They may not have existed then, though. Watch, now traffic will get even louder. Seriously, I still wake up enough on my own but as I said, I slept better. Didn’t even have to take anything. I was so tired. I fell asleep a little earlier and slept longer.

When I got up to pee, though, in the middle of my sleep, I swear my boobs felt sore as if they were watery like they would get before periods and I automatically remembered the dream where I was telling Stacey I got a period after nearly a year.

I had a dream that Liz was working in some kind of cafe that was possibly in an apartment building Tom and I was living in. One time I went there for coffee and asked if I could keep the mug for a while until I finished my coffee. Liz nodded and I left. A few hours later I headed down a long corridor and could see Liz sitting behind the counter at the end of it. She had her hair curly. I reached into our apartment that was off the corridor and grabbed the mug as well as a necklace I might have wanted to give her.

In another dream, Tom seemed kind of down in this place we were living in that was laid out differently than where we live here. I asked if he was okay and he said something about a money problem and held up a small piece of paper. For some reason, we were without a physical address for a few months which he referred to as a “drop-off.”

“Whenever there’s a drop-off,” he said, “there are always problems.”

In the next dream or possible dimension, I was living in yet another place that also didn’t look anything like any place I ever lived in before and was very small. I had the back door off the kitchen open when a teenage boy with dark hair and eyes suddenly appeared at the screen door. He asked if I could write and said something about winning money for it or being paid or something like that.

I told him I was a writer and let him in. He had a much younger sibling with him and I didn’t want the nosy brat messing with my devices which its brother didn’t seem to care to watch. So I picked up my phone and a tablet and placed them out of reach. Then I was in the living room talking to the guy when I realized there was no writing job or contest and that he was definitely up to no good. My dream mind reeled with the best way to get out of the situation and I told him I had something interesting to show him in the backyard. Not sure how that dream ended.

The only other dream I remember was looking up my lab results online.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2018 Jean Paul Gaultier is going to be the next perfume sample I receive. I’ve heard of him before but I don’t know that I’ve ever had his perfume.

Had some real rain for the first time in months. There was even some thunder. At one point it was so loud I would have had trouble hearing my show if I were watching TV. I know whose TV I won’t be hearing much of tonight! Probably won’t be much flying either. That’s okay. I would much rather the sound of the rain.

A few nights ago I heard about a dozen gunshots. They came from the East. Pretty sure that’s what it was anyway. The last two shots sounded farther and farther away as if the person shooting was running or in a moving vehicle.

I dreamed about some sort of family reunion where we got together with members of his family. Mary and his mother were there only he didn’t seem too happy about it while I was for some reason.

Nissan’s lack of a reply - and I know she’s been around because she changed her profile picture on one of her accounts - is a classic reminder of the hatred and grudges so many people harbor within their hearts decades after the fact and over silly things, too.

I realize that even though I didn’t do a damn thing wrong to my cousins, say I had sent them a message saying I was sorry and wished them well and hoped to hear from them and all that; I never would have. In reality, I can just imagine all the lies they’ve been told that they believe and I have no doubt that others probably pulled various pranks on them that they automatically assumed I was behind.

Either way, the point is that I don’t understand all this preaching of forgiveness when very few people are willing to actually do it. It amazes and saddens me just how many people will remain angry for little to no reason decade after decade. But I would also be lying if I said I didn’t wish I was more like most people in that respect because then I wouldn’t bother to reach out to people who are just going to ignore me in the end. Or turn on me at some point. I wish I could’ve had it in me to not give Kathleen my number but I didn’t want to seem rude and I knew she wouldn’t call anyway.

A few days ago I started having more burning and itching similar to the kind I would have when not treating myself with anything. Not a severe burning sensation that almost makes you feel like you’ve been cut like the steroids gave me, but just general inflammation and itchiness. So I skipped a dose and the irritation backed off.

I’m both eager and nervous about my upcoming appointment with Dr. O. When I’m feeling my worst I’m willing to try anything new to stop that feeling from returning. But once it comes down to actually trying something, if I do, I’m going to be terrified, of course. Well, I can at least get more info and then decide what to do from there. Worst case scenario, I will have to skip the stuff I’m on periodically as the anxiety kicks up. It’s really too bad I can’t stand it when it does because I may be able to get some weight off if I could.

For now, I’m hoping I don’t get depressed now that I’m pretty much on nights. We’ll see if the full spectrum light helps, though I’m not flaring right now and my TSH should be too high for me to have anxiety from the medication for another month or so.

Was watching this Barbie hack on YouTube and it showed a woman dipping the hair of an old Barbie with knotted hair into fabric softener to make it easy to brush. So I went and tried that on one of my BFF dolls and it improved it a little but definitely didn’t make it easy. Her hair is pretty gnarled and tattered. I just threw it in a ponytail because it looks shabby and I’m not going to keep this doll forever anyway. Her joints are way too loose. Hey, she’s a Goodwill doll. That’s where she came from and that’s where she’ll eventually return to.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2018 The “bad guy” who dares to support his disabled wife in the oh-so-independent US that the government doesn’t give a shit about and who isn’t really “disabled” if others don’t get it or can’t see it, like with someone in a wheelchair, let his forgetful wife forget to do his ear. LOL, he’s been throwing peroxide and alcohol in it to break down the wax in preparation for his appointment tomorrow with the hearing aid people.

I don’t like the fact that I’ve been having more itching and burning lately even though it’s not like the kind of burning the steroids gave me, and Tom says it looks like it’s healing nicely down there when he checked the other day. It’s a good thing I have the Tucks and the Aquaphor and that Amy is only a week away.

Although it was a bit warm, I went out walking earlier for about 25 minutes. Did some strength training exercises on the Bowflex too, and worked my core and arms.

We ordered our new betta a square fish tank with a filter that’s 10 x 10 x 10. We’re adding a heater to it as well as some artificial plants and colorful gravel. He doesn’t seem to like his pellets as much so we’re getting flakes instead. He also seems to be a really shy guy, too. I wonder if he’ll always be this way. His alertness is cute in the way he follows my movements with his eyes as I move about the place.

I’m also getting a bottle opener to make it easier to open tough caps, an adorable 2019 rat calendar and another kitty figurine. This one is a single standing orange tabby looking upward.

During the last order we made we forgot to get the decorative window cling I picked out for the laundry room window. We grabbed it this time around, though.

Norma posted how upset she was about 1600 immigrants being denied help in Texas and how no one will help the children and Tammy was like, how are we supposed to handle an amazing number of illegal immigrants? Yes, she feels bad for the kids and it’s not their fault but their parents’ who should have come here legally.

Tom and I both agree that children should not be abused in the way they’ve been pulled out of houses and thrown into tents in the desert. However, something’s got to be done. I understand people not wanting to spend so much money on a wall and I understand that it isn’t going to keep everybody out but if it will slow the flow of moochers then it may be worth the money. I would still love it if we could take a giant knife, cut Mexico away from the US, pick it up and plop it down on the other side of the world. The middle of the Arctic would be nice. There’s just too damn many of them and they’re burdening the shit out of our resources.

Tom’s co-worker, the Indian woman named Pawandeep, recently vacationed in London. She brought back a bunch of keychains with the word London on it and Tom brought one home, not that we’ll ever use it. It was still a very nice thought. It’s hanging on one of the kitchen cabinet knobs right now.

Wondering if I’m starting to get another precancerous lesion on my shoulder where the arm and shoulder meet. Thanks, Mom, for making me sit on the beach all damn day every summer until you decided you no longer wanted to be a mother to me, even if I know you didn’t know this would happen and would’ve taken measures to prevent it if you could have.

It’s too small to say for sure what it is, but it’s definitely suspicious and similar to the other one I had on my back. It is kind of reddish and has a similar feel to the other one, almost like a bubble. When you press on it, it sort of seems like it’s filled with air. It could still be a wart or a mole. We’ll see where it ends up as time goes on.

Speaking of cancer, when I was looking at my conditions on the new medical portal, I was surprised to see polycythemia vera listed as one of them. That’s a blood cancer. I don’t see how having a couple of very slightly elevated red blood cell count readings constitutes having that condition, but even if I did, it’s so slow-growing that it would take 25 years to kill me, anyway. After having a couple of high readings, I did have a couple of normal readings, and I would be willing to bet that my next round of lab work will be normal as well. I’m sure the white cell count will be slightly elevated, though, as always.

I had a dream that I was seeing my GYN and she had a friend with her in the room. At one point the GYN asked her, “Want to get together tonight?”

“Nah,” the girl said, and then I left, realizing I didn’t have another appointment scheduled with her and wondered if that was a good thing or not.

[jimines]

Whats actually happened between you and taemaknae? I read about it on the tea blog and still confused

This is an insanely long story so I'm going to put it below the cut so for anyone interested in this absolute shit show, continue on.

Essentially, I posted these headers about a month ago:

It was a set of like 8 colours and it was the first time I had ever posted any headers or anything. The issue nic had with these, was the ripped paper bottom. Because apparently you can trademark that. I had asked a (now ex) “friend” of mine if she knew where I could find the ripped paper effect because I had seen the effect on the header of her network blog and I had been trying to find a similar thing for months and google images never gave me anything good. She ended up referring me to google images anyways and after like an hour of dedicated searching, I found this ripped paper effect and used it. This ex “friend” went on to tell another friend of mine that I had "asked where nicole gets her resources for her headers" and then screenshotted my dm as "proof", which still confuses me because I never mentioned nicole there lmao. I've seen the screenshot.

Tell me where I said nicole. It was literally just a question born from seeing the header they had on their network lmao. I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t know this person ran said network at that time, which is why i said “these people”.

This other friend then came to me and just said my headers "may be seen as similar to nic's” and said she noticed it on her own and never mentioned my other “friend” approaching her. I was confused because other than that ripped paper effect that I know many people on tumblr use, I saw no similarities. Nic's headers are usually more complex and more than just a coloured background with a little effect in it. I just wanted to make some simple headers for fun because I was bored. But, regardless, I messaged nic about it to make sure she didn't feel the same way. I told her a friend of mine was worried nic might think my headers are similar to her's and I assured her that if she found them similar I would take them down, no questions asked. Nic told me she was surprised this friend brought it up and told me that it was entirely up to me if I found the headers similar. She never once told me she felt they were the same, never mentioned anything about them, she insisted it was up to me to do as I pleased. So, since I genuinely found no similarities, I left them up.

About a week went by and things between nic and I were fine, or so I thought, based off the fact that she was interacting with my posts, sending me cute asks and replying to a lot of my comments and stuff being kind and whatnot. Then, I decided to post a small list of my creations and the series I had running at the time. 

After that, all of a sudden I got an influx of rude hate anons:

To anyone I mentioned the anons to, they agreed with me, you cannot trademark circular icons. This anon also accused me saying “just the fact that you had an anxiety attack about it proves you copied them” Like no sweetie, it’s called three strangers walked into my house and I got anxious.

Despite me not seeing the issue, I messaged nic, assuming she wouldn't care about the icons (it wasn't like I was taking her exact work and copying and pasting them as my own) and that made her very upset. When she responded to me, she was incredibly heated and gave off the vibe she was waiting for me to message her about it. 

She said things like "this has actually been bothering me for a while", "i expected you to be able to read between the lines and delete the headers", "i don't know who that anon was but clearly they recognize my style". For starters, she never told me that she was annoyed with me, she was being very kind to me publicly. And I have no idea how I was meant to “read between the lines” of what she said especially considering how kind she was to me the following days. I also never accused her of knowing this anon, she just insisted it wasn't her and she didn't know them right off the bat. She also insinuated that I copied my gifs from others as well, which ticked me off because I made my 100+ layer psd myself thank you very much. But I kept my cool, and I told her I had no idea she felt the way she did, and I told her I would delete the headers (which i did as the conversation was going on), and that I would stop posting my icons and bringing attention to them because no one ever paid it any mind before that point. And I asked her “please tell me straight up the next time you have an issue with me because I am generally pretty dumb with social cues”, I have my adhd to thank for that. And instead of replying, she just blocked me. And conveniently, the hate anons stopped dead right after we blocked each other and I haven't received any since.

Also, these are the kinds of icons I posted:

Looks pretty generic and idk, universal, right?

Then, as I've recently found out today, she was in an "anti-loverjimin" groupchat with at least 2 other bloggers. 

Which explains why this all went and fell into place. I know who the two other bloggers are because of what happened two days later but I won't name them just yet, but these two people had been "friends" with me for several months. So, a day or two after nic blocked me, all of a sudden some good friends of mine were blocking me and not talking to me when I asked what was going on. I found out soon after it was because nicole and those two now ex “friends” of mine had taken old dms I sent them and were showing them to people. And I will go into detail about them but I won't name the people they are about for privacy reasons.

Before I move on, to clarify some lies nic has been spreading about me, I never once shit talked nicole to my friends. One of these ex friends also said I was trying to get people on my side. I would have reacted to this all very very differently if that were the case. I would be dragging everyone through the fucking dirt but I don't get off on drama or micromanaging what my mutuals do. My issues are with these people, if you're still friends with them that's your decision i could not care less. So, back to it, the only thing I said about nic was that she and I had a stupid small fight over icons and that she was spreading lies about me, based off of what nic said to jordan.

That exact message, or slight variations of it, was sent to anyone I interacted with because I didn't know if nic was going to stop at jordan or try and get to everyone I fucking knew lmao. Some of the people I messaged this to told ME nic had done this kind of thing before, that she has sent hate anons, launched hate campaigns, cancelled people, etc. Over stupid shit like icons lmao.

Here are some responses I received after I mentioned nicole:

And nic or one of her friends also took it upon themselves to send anons to that tea blog to blow shit up and named everyone and made it an even bigger mess when they saw no one was actively trying to fight me after the dms got out. 

I also love that in this following ask, they named my two “friends” that were behind the whole dm drama and backstabbed me, as well as two other people I never badmouthed, that story was twisted. But we’ll get into those details shortly.

And she also told people I clout chased big blogs and only cared about notes. At one point, yes, I did care a lot about my statistics. However, never once did I think clout chasing was worth my fucking time or energy, Nic is the biggest clout chaser on this damn site and there are receipts of that, ask jordan lmao. And I couldn’t give two shits about my statistics anymore lmao, much less anxiety that way. Do I still crave validation sometimes? Sure. But it's not a driving force of my tumblr experience like it used to be.

But, moving on to the dms, the first one was sent when I first came back to tumblr full-time and didn't understand why people self reblogged things, I found the pretence of self reblogging annoying and greedy and I complained about it and it was a comment fuelled by two bloggers that i would see sr a lot on my dash. But I never thought THEY were annoying, as these people are saying I did, it was self reblogging I found annoying and as you can see I have come to understand why people sr and I do it myself too. I didn't even know these two bloggers at this time either. That dm was cropped to hide the fact that this "friend" agreed with me and hid the date as well so it seemed recent, and was sent to one of the bloggers I mentioned as an example, someone I had since become good friends with. 

I didn’t befriend one of the people I mentioned there until mid to late June. That friendship is now over thanks to this drama and all the lies. The second friend of mine they went after was never spoken about in dms, they went and turned her against me through lies and manipulation so that friendship has ended too. And while those two were doing that, nic went off to try and turn jordan against me.

There was a particular user on here that I did say some nasty things about but we weren't friends, as many people have been made to believe. I was particularly mad at this person in those dms and was hurtful, I admit, and I have since apologized and owned up to all of it to these people. I did call them fake and/or two-faced. 

And what in the gassing me up bullshit was their response though lmao. I also sent this following dm before I even talked about the issue with this person. They urged me to continue and to name drop the person, and I stupidly thought they were trustworthy.

My reasoning for what I said wasn't unwarranted though, I don't make a habit of going around shit-talking people, unless they do something to me first. I vent when I am upset and this person had sent me a passive aggressive ask and then denied sending it when I asked and I thought that was just very fake, especially since she was so kind to me in dms before the ask came in. But all of these dms were cropped too to hide timestamps and responses, and in most cases, like those screenshots prove, these "friends" either gassed me up or egged me on to continue ranting or to name the people i was mad at and they had agreed with me on several, several occasions. Turns out they were trying to get dirt on me to use in their cancel campaign. But the point is, nic has made me out to be this horrible person that befriends "big blogs" (an overrated statement) and then shit talks them behind their back without remorse. Yet it was one person I said rude things about and I, again, owned up to it all and apologized to them the first day. I would've done it sooner had I a) remembered feeling the way I did all those months ago or remembered the dms themselves or b) felt that way still after meeting them. But neither is the case.

I find it really amusing though that these people wanted things to be kept quiet and didn’t want anyone they spoke to to talk to me about it because I was going to “out them on my blog” and “make a big scene”, then they three went and made it a big fucking scene and ruined my friendships. I’m familiar with this pattern of manipulation as it has happened to me in real life before and it’s the most childish bullshit to witness.

Before this callout day for nic, I had never once been directly rude to or about her, same goes for those ex “friends” that betrayed my trust and friendship. The fact that they plotted against me in a group chat while still actively talking to me and being all buddy buddy is just disgusting. Both of them were talking to me that day at the same time they were sharing the dms and shit-talking me to my friends. But yeah, that's my side, the untwisted side, of the whole story. I tried to be mature and talk to nic and when I didn't do what she wanted me to do, she blocked me and launched the hate campaign with dms and the power of photoshop. I’ve been hesitant to make any of this public because it was meant to be a silent ordeal but I’ve grown tired of her constantly publicizing everything without consequence while I remain silent like I promised.

[golbrocklovely]

Im going anon because last time i submitted an ask to another fan acct on here, word got out to reggie and he blocked me on twitter.

Based on stuff that has been said and now deleted i believe certain people were not okay with Sam and Colby just expecting them to drop everything and film with them, or participate in stuff of theirs but when they asked for the same stuff in return the former were aways busy or just not interested. Reggie was doing late night twitch and “not sleeping enough” and getting stuff to edit short notice. After this was said or claimed, Colby said reggie was not going to edit for them so he can focus on his own stuff “twitch”. Right after this it was known by another former friend that they sat down Kevin and had issues with him always filming. Suddenly Reggie unfollows Sam, Colby unfollows Reggie, and then Reggie unfollows Colby. Reggie & Kevin became close to the KnJ group, there is an actual video of those guys making fun of them for always being around and eager. Reggie became all those guys i.t guy for twitch (not to mention Cassie & Devyn started hanging out Jcs house with Reggie and Kevin). Suddenly Jake becomes super distant from sam and colby, he just stays in his room and does twitch and would tell Tara we cant do this or That and would do the weirder shit to impress KnJs friends (this was all live on twitch) while you could hear Sam and Colby and Kat hanging out outside his room. Little bit after this is when Corey and Jake moved out, Jakes actual announcement to moving out was kind of like he was poking fun of the situation.

Its no coincidence they lost 8 friends all at once. They didnt grow apart, something happened. Not to mention Sam actually called them fake friends during one of their lives during 2020 because no one called him or checked in to see how he was.

(figured i would add all of your asks together.)

👀👀👀

this all just sounds like everyone got slightly upset with one another and instead of being adults and talking things out, they all just decided to be petty and not speak and give each other the silent treatment.

i LOVE that 🙄

i will say the kevin thing i knew about bc of the mike situation that happened recently, but everything else i didn't know about.

it seems as if there is a lot to the story that we don't know about. and i'm okay with that bc it ain't our business anyway. but my only problem is they ALL got the fans into their friendships. and while i don't expect them to tell us what happened, they could at least pretend to not dislike each other lol

or address it if it's really not that much of a problem. even just saying "hey i'm not close to xyz anymore, so if yall could stop asking about them, that would be great" would be better than awkwardly ignoring the person's name (usually snc's lol).

as someone who is easily annoyed by confrontation that could be easily solved by talking/petty situations, this whole thing is irritating and ngl i'm kinda over it lmaooo

[bisluthq]

it's basically #bisluthqisoverparty at one of the blogs I follow today so if things are worse than usual in your inbox, that's probably why

So I don’t know the exact blog to which you refer but I’ve had like a few people idk I guess feel quite strongly about stuff I say and like block or unfollow me which is absolutely 100000000% fine.

I think everyone should curate their fandom experience in such a way that they’re genuinely happy. That means following blogs that make you happy, making content that makes you happy, and like avoiding shit that’s triggering or upsetting or yk what? Just no fucking fun for you. Like this shit should be FUN. Any pop culture exercise - whether you’re in fandom or reading Buzzfeed or watching films or listening to music - should be fucking FUN.

So idk I run my lil blog and my lil community the way I do, and I don’t say it’s perfect because it’s not, and I don’t say I’m perfect because I SO am not, and if you don’t find it fun as I’ve always said run your own. Like the fucking fun of the internet is everyone gets a voice and a possible platform. Shit, I’ll promo you if you explain what you’re doing and it’s a vibe I like as - most recently - @craicvacuum did and she legit started something I’m not that interested in but is imo dope.

If you want to run a blog on similar topics to mine but in a different way I get it! That’s cool! Again genuinely happy to say “so if you like my blog but you don’t like X here’s Y” and people’s feeds aren’t limited to one thing! Go forth and have fun babes like that’s all there is to it.

Tbh I’m not even gonna ask people not to shit talk me because as Karlie says “at least I trended” and weirdly since this has ~allegedly~ become a discussion I’ve been gaining followers in a way I haven’t in ages - could be something else - so like idk besties idk. I’m not saying it’s that but 🤷🏻‍♀️💀

What I will say is if you have actual things you want to discuss with me on like specific things you feel I’m wrong about, I’m always listening. And what I have heard through like rumblings of this little cancellation and being sent vagues and stuff is people don’t like Grammygate discussion (their problem tbh I don’t talk about it that much but lmfao what a mess), and think I’m mean (I’m actually gonna take that on board and try to be nicer and block/delete more like that’s very fair I think I could try be a nicer person online). If there are actual issues then those can be addressed with me directly. That ideally means a DM but if you wanna @ me in a call out like I’ll read it idek where to look for this stuff.

And also if you wanna like vaguepost about me being a mean bitch on your blog fucking aces babe live your best life and genuinely do whatever makes you happiest.

[thenighttrain]

And I know some people won’t agree with that and think they should be able to put whatever they want on their blog. It’s not really about that though! We all go through week long obsessions but usually it doesn’t become a daily thing we blog about forever. Fascinations come and go! It didn’t hit me that blogging about Taylor on my main blog initially was such an issue until one of my friends I’ve had since 2014 apologized and asked if it was okay to unfollow me because they weren’t able to block out all of Taylor’s tags somehow. I immediately made a side blog because idk the friends I’ve made here are more important to me than just being able to blog whatever I want to whenever I want to. You can literally have endless side blogs!

oh you make a good point yeah, i mean like i said, even if people don't want side blogs they could just make sure they tag all their posts of that fandom with the same tag? it's really not hard. but like you said, you can have endless side blogs and you can always delete it if that interest passes..... i get that people like just doing whatever they want and this is a very unregulated site anyway but still. you know. u get me!

[thehappyrealityproject]

Message from Mariya:

Creating a Happy Reality

Hey everyone! I believe an update is in order! Last time I posted on my blog was September 2019, and now it’s April 2021.

First, I’d like to say that I’m very thankful for my friend, who agreed to type up this message and post it. I’m also very thankful for this incredible tech-free journey, which turned out to be more like a gradual letting go of things rather than letting go of everything that I wanted to let go of at once, and the many wonderful discoveries I made because of it. 

Recent discoveries: Not using artificial lights makes it a lot easier to go to bed earlier and promotes a sense of inner peace, while not checking the time lowers anxiety.

At the core of why I wanted to leave modern technology was a deep desire to reconnect with myself and the magic of real life. And the electrical sensitivity – which reflected my deep dissatisfaction – provided me with the motivation to actually do it.

“Technology is the knack of so arranging the world that we do not experience it.” – Rollo May

The aim of everyday modern technology is to get things done faster, but what that actually does is keep people away from fully living.

Relatable excerpt from a book I was recently writing:

“I see what’s going on here,” said George.

“You do?” I asked.

“Yes. People are skipping the journey and going straight to the destination. You want food? Pop a package in the microwave. You want clothes? Order some online. You want to travel to a new faraway place? A plane will get you there while you sleep. ‘Instant gratification,’ they say. Yet that’s not gratifying at all. Life isn’t about the destination, it’s all about the journey. There is joy in cooking. There is joy in growing your own food and making your own clothing, too. The end result contains only a tiny fraction of the joy compared to the whole experience. People have forgotten this. They’ve replaced the whole experience with activities that only leave them feeling empty, like sitting online all day or watching television. On the flip side, if they returned to the whole experience of things, they might appreciate it much more, knowing that the alternative is senseless; it literally doesn’t require most of the senses. So there is a great lesson in this, one that I’ve learned myself. Maybe that was the reason for why it all came to be this way,” he replied.

I learned that many of the things that people think they need and often seek happiness through are not only the very same things that distract them and keep them away from the happiness they seek (which happens to be our natural state), but also cause harm to them, the environment, and the very life that sustains us – stuff that we actually do need! 

For instance, something we really need – like clean air – is completely taken for granted and diminished because of car fumes (one of the top causes of air pollution) and smoking. The population of bees, which are vital to many of the foods we eat, is decreasing at an alarming rate because of cell phone signals and pesticides. 

Wild nature, another thing we really need, has also diminished. The less I distract myself, the more I feel like I need to be there. I wonder, are we all consciously or subconsciously distracting ourselves from that need? After all, deep down, we are wild creatures who were conditioned to be otherwise.  

In other words, we need much less than we think we do, and we need to protect and take better care of that which we actually do need.

As I was letting go of electronics/modern technology, another interesting thing happened: I became increasingly aware of the state of modern society, AKA the comfortable prison, and it didn’t take long for me to want to leave that behind as well.

I noticed that cities have significantly small amounts of trees; some blocks don’t have any at all. There’s concrete all around, “Keep Off the Grass” signs, overcrowded stores with plastic everywhere, car/train/construction noises, saturation of cars, car fumes, and contrails being dispersed in the sky, releasing carbon dioxide and soot into the atmosphere. Some people are afraid of opening windows because of fumes.

Suburbs have perfectly manicured lawns, so much so that nobody steps on top of them. “Private Property” signs. There’s still concrete all around. Nobody is outside. Why? They’re all inside, staring at screens.

More rural areas have power lines hanging everywhere. Any sensitive or energy-intuitive person can feel the unpleasant energy coming from them. Houses are farther away from each other, and there are larger lawns. More “Private Property” signs. Again, nobody is outside. Same reason. Whether here or in the suburbs, people don’t usually take walks, they take their car everywhere. Unless people choose to exercise, movement is minimized and so is strength. A common theme in these places is stagnation and isolation. 

Most people pollute their bodies with drugs, alcohol, or smoking, and it’s considered completely normal to do so. In fact, many of them get startled when they discover that someone chooses not to do that.

Ironically, organic food, AKA real food, which is our birthright, is considered a luxury now and costs more than fake food.

Is this what they call progression?

I just want to add that even if this really upsets some people, it’s important to know in order to be inspired to create some real and amazing changes. Once you know what is going on, you can turn your attention towards creating what you do want.

I never used to be one of those people who focused on global issues much, but they’ve gotten so out of hand that they are affecting normal day-to-day living. This is not normal.

Meanwhile, I was just looking for a quiet place in nature where I could take walks barefoot on grass (a very natural and beneficial practice), relax, breathe fresh clean air, and not have to ask someone to drive me to a state park.

Can you live in nature without a car? YES. By becoming more self-sufficient.

Last summer, I met a family that grows their own organic fruits and vegetables (and what a magical thing that is!) without any machinery. They shared their strawberries with me. By the way, there are books that teach you how to grow everything, even how to make your own flour and yarn. That’s how they learned their skills. 

I realized that you don’t actually need money to live a joyful life and that the money and exchanging goods and services system is an outdated fear-based system that completely eradicates the joy of giving – one of the highest joys we can experience here. Giving to receive doesn’t feel nearly as good. That’s why many people don’t feel comfortable with that system, even if they do what they enjoy.

So if modern technology or modern society isn’t progression, then what is?

Love. Becoming more loving and allowing yourself to be loved! 

Treating ourselves, others, and the planet with kindness and love, realizing that we’re all connected. That includes not using substances that pollute your own body. 

Falling in love with your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others. 

Falling in love with life!

That’s what it’s always been about, folks.

At this point, however, it’s also about creating a completely different and better way of life. So what I’d like to do is bring The Happy Reality Project into real life, where it was always meant to be, and create an intentional community that reflects happiness and the true meaning of progression. This community can later extend to other places around the world.

Details below:

I’m looking for people who feel like they’re done with modern society – done with distractions, staring at screens all day, being around drug use/alcohol/smoking, air pollution, light pollution, and all the other pollutions, the concrete jungle, the rat race, stagnation, hiding and feeling shame or being shamed for their own beautiful bodies, etc., and done with being under the spell that this is all normal. I’m looking for people who see through the illusion and know that this isn’t progression, but actually quite the opposite. I’m looking for people who want to create something new with me and would be interested in living off the grid without electricity or electronics, observing a sky full of stars, dancing to or playing live music, rediscovering the magic of nature, becoming more self-sufficient, and exploring what it truly means to be a human being and to naturally feel happy, free, and alive!

Let’s put life back into life!

Harmony and being in awe with life is the norm.

Location = open for discussion.

If you’re interested or have any ideas or suggestions, send an email to ------, where my friend has agreed to respond.

Almost 4 months later, update: The email has been deleted due to no responses. Perhaps the internet isn’t the best place to find people who want a lifestyle without electronics. Regardless, we still think it was important to share this message.

[schrijverr]

I Have a Heart Condition, You Dick

Tony lets it slip to Steve that he has a heart condition.

Steve wants to make sure Tony is okay and not needlessly hurting, but Tony thinks Steve is babying him and thinks him incapable of taking care of himself. They talk it out.

On AO3.

Ships: none, could be interpreted as pre-slash Steve/Tony

Warnings: mentions of medical condition

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It started when Clint dropped out of a vent behind the obviously tired genius, who was waiting for a desperately needed cup of coffee, and said: “Boo.”

Tony jumped in the air as he startled violently and clutched his chest as he exclaimed: “Jesus fucking Christ, Birdbrain, you can’t do that! I have a heart condition, you dick!”

Steve had been enjoying his breakfast when the spectacle occurred and looked up in alarm as he asked: “You have a heart condition?”

“I have a heart condition? I have- are you fucking serious, Steve?” Tony ranted, “What do you think this is, a fancy night light?” he tapped his reactor harshly, then saw the faces of Steve and Clint, with a disbelieving voice he said: “Oh my God, you two didn’t know I have a heart condition.”

“That’s important information, you idiot. I could have killed you,” Clint sounded distressed.

“Blah, blah, it was mostly a hyperbole,” Tony waved his concerns away, “I thought it was in my file, granted I did delete a lot about the arc reactor, so maybe it was unclear. Hmm, that would explain why Agent threatened to tase me.”

“Tony, a heart condition is nothing to joke about,” Steve said, looking at Tony intently in the hope his message got across.

In turn Tony only rolled his eyes: “I am aware, Capsicle. Might surprise you, but I’ve actually been living with it for a few years, I know my limits and I’m not going to be a liability out there. Trust me, geez.”

“That’s not what I-”

“Spare me the lecture, Spangles,” Tony got his coffee and left the two there.

Steve looked at Clint and said: “I swear that’s not what I meant with that.”

“I could have killed him,” Clint merely repeated, still distressed.

“No, you couldn- well, maybe, but I don’t think so. Tony will need more than a small scare to take him out,” Steve assured him.

“How would you know?” it was obvious that Clint didn’t believe him.

“Because I used to have one, Clint,” Steve smirked, “A lot of people seemed to forget I was a little squirt from Brooklyn with a list of medical issues longer than army paperwork.”

Clint looked him up and down with distrust, before seeming to take his word for it. Though he did vow to be more careful around his favorite snark buddy and it seemed Steve had decided to do the same, because after that things were different.

Not bad different.

Not even obviously different.

Just different.

It was mostly Steve, though. Clint only started to announce himself when he entered a room Tony was already in and made sure not to scare the man too much.

Steve on the other hand researched foods that were good and bad for heart conditions and made sure to only cook with the good kind for Tony. He also remembered the unpleasant sensations of when his heart was beating too fast from before the serum and made sure Tony didn’t have to do anything too straining and checked in on him during battle. On top of that he started to nag Tony, that was not what Steve called it of course, Steve called it making sure he didn’t overwork himself and died of stress, but same difference.

And Tony noticed.

Of course, he did he wasn’t stupid. He was the opposite of stupid, actually. Though it did take him a while to add it all up.

It had started with a sandwich, which doesn’t sound that dramatic and it wasn’t either, honestly. Just one day, Steve knocked on his shop’s window and held up a plate. He’d done this before of course, but this particular sandwhich would be the start of getting Tony to eat regularly.

Tony had been down there for nearly three full days, living off granola bars, smoothies and coffee, so he merely appreciated the food as he waved Steve in. Snatching the sandwich up, he asked: “What brings you here, Cap?”

“Nothing much,” Steve shrugged, “Just hadn’t seen you in a while, figured you’d be neglecting to eat down here.”

“All I’m hearing is blah blah blah, Stevie,” Tony grinned, there was usually a lecture attached to food offerings, which he allowed because food, “You’ll be talking differently when you see these fire resistant suits I’m making for the squishy members.”

“Fire resistant?” Steve questioned.

Tony lit up: “See, I knew you’d see my wa-”

“Is that safe?” Steve ruined it.

“Is it- He asks if it’s safe. I’m making it, of course it’ll be safe,” Tony said indignantly.

“No, that’s not- I trust your engineering skills, just not your self preservation,” Steve clarified, “How are testing it? Is that safe?”

Tony blinked a few times, not expecting that response. No one had really cared how safe he was before, if he got the results.Then he laughed and deflected: “Steve, Stevie, Capsicle, Star Spangled Man With A Plan, I’m never safe,” Steve looked like he was about to interrupt, “But – and the buts make it important – but I am also never stupid.”

He was well aware that that was a lie and JARVIS had many tapes to prove it, but Steve didn’t have to know that.

“Are you sure?” Steve checked.

“Yeah, Cap, sure,” Tony assured him, “I’ll be as safe as humanly possible.”

“That sounds fake,” Steve eyed him suspiciously.

“And that is your cue to go, thanks for the food,” Tony shoved him out the workshop with a small wave, leaving him stunned for a second, “JARVIS, lock down, don’t let Mr. Health & Safety back in here.”

“Sir, do you think that is wise?”

“I do think that, I also think that a community college would be happy to have you, buddy,” Tony snarked.

“Tony. Tony,” Steve tapped on the glass when Tony didn’t respond, “Stark.”

“What?”

“Don’t do anything too stupid. And rest.”

“Whatever, Mom,” Tony rolled his eyes and got back to work.

It was little things like that which started to add up. They had already been happening, since Steve was unable to let anyone ruin their health in peace, but now their frequency increased.

Then it happened more overtly during battle, Tony had lost his suit and was running down a street, hoping to not get eaten by mutant rats, which was just iew.

His breathing was coming kind of ragged and it was uncomfortable, but he was managing. He still had a gauntlet and determination since he wasn’t going to admit to anyone that he’d been practically useless by some rats.

“Iron Man, status update,” Steve’s voice crackled over the coms.

“Down- Town- Chased-” Tony heaved, firing his repulsors, “No- Suit- Got- Three- Here- Handling- handling it.”

“Thor, get Iron Man out of there,” Steve ordered.

Tony wanted to protest, but he was too out of breath to do so and a small guilty part of him was glad the God of Thunder was coming his way, because- fuck.

He was nearly being chowed down by a rat when Thor appeared and came down with a mighty swing that decapitated the rat. Tony weakly raised a hand and wheezed: “Thanks, Thunderstruck.”

“No problem, Shieldbrother Stark. Are you alright?” Thor bellowed, dealing with the leftover rats in the alleyway.

“I- I’m fine,” Tony said.

Steve injected over the coms: “Get him to a high place out of the fight, Thor. Then head to the Hulk.”

“Aye, Captain,” Thor said, cutting off Tony’s protest of how he was still able to fight as he dropped Tony on top of a building before flying off.

“I know you’re still able to fight, Tony,” Steve sounded tired, “It’s just not a smart idea and we have it handled. Get started on prep for clean up in you want to help.”

Tony grumbled something, but didn’t comment further. He wasn’t in the mood to pick a fight right now and overall fighting didn’t sound very appealing. Steve wouldn’t lie about needing him and he’d done quite enough today.

It was only after that that Tony began to suspect something was up.

He first realized the visits to make sure he rested and ate had become more common. Then, when Steve asked about his schedule, he realized that had become a thing lately, before he noticed the food and added it to the most recent check up in battle.

Steve was babying him.

Once he had made that conclusion, he started to rewind to when it started to see what on earth he had said to make the other man think he was incapable of handling himself. It hit him when he went to grab some coffee and saw that Steve had left a bag decaf for him last time he was here.

“That motherfucker,” Tony said.

“Sir, I do not th-”

“Mute,” Tony didn’t want to listen to that right now. He had confessed a small weakness once and immediately Steve had jumped on it to treat him like less, he didn’t want to hear excuses for him, least of all from his own AI, his JARVIS.

He let the anger built up, he usually wasn’t one for not poking someone’s buttons when they had pissed him off, but he was smart enough to realize that a big fight between them would be bad for the team.

Because no matter how he spun it, they both kept everyone alive through communicating. Tony could see what needed to be done and Steve could strategatize a plan on the fly that completed that goal.

They needed to work together.

Naturally when Tony was pissed at someone, he didn’t want to communicatewith them, which was a minor detail he had forgotten in his grand master plan of ignoring.

His anger only grew each time he blocked Steve entrance from his workshop, denied his requests for his schedule or sparring or when the man wanted to know how he was doing. JARVIS wasn’t any help either and after too many times of trying to talk to him, Tony had ordered him to stop talking about Steve or his health for that matter.

When after two weeks of ignoring everyone – including his own body – the call to assemble went off, Tony suited up, despite the tension. He wasn’t letting New York be in peril when he could stop it, just because Steve thought he was too weak.

Steve would eat his words, or his motherhenning in this case. Tony wasn’t fragile, nor did he need special treatment.

The battle with the squid-robot-type creatures could be described as a proper disaster.

If Steve said go right, Tony would go left. If asked for imput, Tony would just do what he calculated to be right without saying a thing. If someone talked, Tony blasted music.

Sure, his moves worked and if anyone needed air support, he would show up out of nowhere, but he was being unnecessarily reckless.

He didn’t stay when the battle was over, just shooting off to the Tower on his own, giving everyone the cold shoulder. They walked into the Quinjet as Clint frowned: “What did we even do? Did any of you piss him off?”

“No, he just started shutting me out two weeks ago,” Steve said miserably, “From one day to the next I wasn’t allowed into the ‘shop anymore, I have no clue what I did. I didn’t even think it was this bad until now.”

“Well, you better go talk it out, Captain,” Natasha said, “Because that was a disaster.”

Steve sighed: “I will, but let’s just direct clean up for now. Everyone, you did good, let’s get some rest, alright?”

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Clint saluted lazily from where he had collapsed onto the Quinjet pilot seat in exhaustion.

Tony naturally avoided all attempts at communication again afterwards, until it came to a head. Steve had ben asking permission to enter the workshop for the past few days, never yielding any success, so he was trying a different method: “Tony, please come out of the ‘shop, I made food. Just come and eat something.”

“JARVIS why am I hearing Captain America in my workshop?” Tony asked icely.

“You stated – and I quote – “I do not wish to see Captain America or anyone unless the world is ending and they’re all on the brink of death” end quote. There was nothing about hearing, Sir,” he replied.

“J, remind me to donate you to the local High School,” Tony huffed.

“Noted, Sir,” JARVIS said, “Though I would advise to take up Steve’s offer on food. You have been here for 71 hours Sir and have not eaten in 21.”

“Blah, blah, I’m sure I have an energy bar somewhere around here,” Tony waved him away, “If I eat that, will you leave me alone?”

“I would, Sir, however, your emergency supplies have run out,” the AI informed him.

Tony cursed, he was kind of hungry now that JARVIS had mentioned it, but he didn’t want to admit weakness and eat Steve’s food.

In the end hunger won out and Tony mopily made his way to the kitchen.

It seemed like the whole team was there, each as surprised as him that he actually heeded their call for food. Tony would never admit it, but the loneliness had been setting in and getting yelled at and belittled sounded better than being by himself. He’d realized that the moment he’d heard Steve’s voice.

Steve smiled and handed him the plate: “Tony!” the smile faded when he took in the engineer’s state, but Tony ignored that in favor of taking the plate.

It was fish with veggies and nuts.

Health food.

Helps-gainst-a-heart-condition-food.

Fuck this.

Tony snapped, he was tired and hungry and had been beating himself up for weeks for allowing himself to show weakness, knowing what could happen. And now here it was, being shoved in his face yet again.

He just didn’t have the energy for this.

“What the fuck is this supposed to mean?” he demanded angrily.

Steve frowned: “I don’t understand.”

“Oh sure, play dumb, Captain Perfect,” Tony spat.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Tony,” Steve sounded frustrated, “Talk to me about what’s bothering you.”

“Like you’re not perfectly aware of that.”

The rest of the team was watching the argument like a tennis match, no one daring to interrupt the two, but all wanting to know how it ended.

“I am not aware of it, okay,” Steve threw his hands up, “I try to help and all I get is this attitude back. What am I doing wrong?”

“The healthy food, the constant checking up during missions, the benching me during straining stuff, the forcing me to sleep, you knew my goddamn schedule at some point, Rogers,” Tony told him, “I don’t need to be babied, I don’t need your coddling. I tell you one thing – just one – and you jump on it immediately. So, shove off, Mr. Pinnacle of Human Perfection or whatever. Just for once believe that I know what I’m fucking doing.”

Steve connected the dots to Clint scaring Tony all those months ago and sighed. Of course Tony would think that Steve was smothering him unnecessarily.

“Tony, I’m not babying you,” he started, “That was at least not my intention, I just wanted to keep you alive for as long as possible.”

“Because you think I can’t do that on my own,” Tony filled in the nonexistant blank, “Newsflash, I’ve been keeping myself for a long time already.”

“I don’t think you’re incapable, goddammit Tony, just fucking listen to me,” Steve yelled, everyone shocked by the cursing, “I care about you, you’re my teammate, the closest thing to family I have left. I just don’t want you to suffer needlessly, okay. I know how much it sucks and if I can help in the little ways, you can bet your ass that I will.”

Tony opened and closed his mouth while thinking of an answer. People caring for him was a bit new and he didn’t know how to accept that at face value, so instead he grumbled: “How would you even know it sucks.”

Steve smiled, he knew Tony wasn’t trying to be difficult, then answered: “I know for everyone else it is a long while ago, but from my perspective I was running around with countless health problems, including a heart condition, just a few years ago.”

“Oh…” Tony said, remembering the file he’d read on Steve, how stupid to let that slip his mind, “I- uhm, well, I guess that can be a reason.”

“Drop it in the hat of forgive and forget?” Steve held out his hand for Tony to shake.

He shook the hand and shrugged: “Might as well,” he was just glad he hadn’t fucked this up, that they didn’t think him weak.

“I for one am glad mom and dad made up,” Clint commented, finally breaking the silence the rest of the team had held while Steve and Tony made up.

“For that comment, you’re grounded, young man,” Tony said with an eyeroll.

“Resent that statement,” Clint shot back, “Especially coming from someone who’s swaying with hunger and exhaustion. Just eat your damn food and take a nap, Stark, then you can talk about grounding.”

Tony just flipped him the bird as he attacked his food with vigor while the rest started up all sorts of conversations around him.

Later he would get lectured anyway about not taking care of himself, but afterwards he would get pulled into a hug and maybe the next time Steve bothered him with food or sleeping a bit. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be that much of a bother anyway.

~~~~~~~~

DISCLAIMER:

God, I am not a medical person, please for the love of God and everything that is Holy to you: DO NOT and I repeat, DO NOT take anything in this fic as a fact without checking.

[nightswithkookmin]

GOING ON A HIATUS

Thanks to everyone who's taken the time out to read my posts and has enjoyed it so far. It's really been fun and entertaining exchanging thoughts and having these much deeper ship discussions.

I thought this issue was gonna go away but I woke up this morning to more people messaging me about finding my last video analysis on several other platforms without appropriate credit.

But that's not disturbing. The disturbing part is the people sliding into people's DM'S on other platforms to get them to take down my video because they don't want people sharing my content on other platforms as they believe it would only make my blog popular.

For those worried about this whole credit business, thanks for showing this much concern for me? I really appreciate the love and concern if it's from a genuine place of concern. Thank you...

I think some of you already know this by now or might have figured it out, I am a law student, I am very much well aware what is and what isn't within my rights? Lol

I honestly didn't see this whole credit thingy as a big deal. It's not. Not to me. Lol. I repost people's photos without credit too all the time. Often, it's because I don't know who to credit and most time my lazy ass just forgets to. Lol. I think it's normal? It's inconsequential I mean.

The videos I use are usually often water marked by the appropriate owners so I don't go through the hustle of figuring this whole credit business out. If I should decide to come back here again I will check that habit of mine?

While this whole credit business is not a big deal to me, malicious slander and defamation to my character is and I don't take it lightly.

It has been brought to my attention that some Jikookers from Tumblr have since been sliding into people's DM's on other platforms asking them to take down my video and or remove the credit they give to my post.

They are telling people I am problematic, calling me the Taekook Lives of the Jikook community. That I have been spreading lies about Jikook, that the Jikook Tumblr community hates me or something like that and to further caricaturize me and make me appear more evil in order to get people to turn on me and hate me, they make up the most ridiculous lies about me claiming that I believe a notorious serial killer is innocent.

Now I have since deleted my YT account because I don't want my colleagues to find out I am into shipping too lol- shipping is a guilty pleasure of mine and I know how this fandom works unfortunately. I've been a silent part of it since 2014. I mean it's started already. The Doxing and shit.

The original post under which these replies are from couldn't save sadly as my account has been deleted but you can see from my notifications the general feel of what my interests outside shipping looks like.

I am interested in a myriad of topics, from literature, Aliens, writing, Harry Potter, history, activism, advocacy, philosophy, law, politics, NASA, and mystery and murder among other things.

My quora is mostly filled with notifications from my Book community and True crime community and often I do share my thoughts and answer questions with regards to the psychology of murderers, legal evidence, notorious villains in literature- well I guess now you know the kind of lawyer I want to be if and when I'm able to complete law school.

But what has my interest in these topics got to do with Jikook and shipping please?? How does this prove I hate Jikook and spread lies about them?

This Kookie Min Monsta person slipped into someone's DMS and asked the person who had put up my video analysis to take it down or discredit me because to her I am problematic. She is not the only one.

You want so bad to paint me black- no pun intended just to win an argument? You claim I am the evil malicious person here but I am not the one sliding into people's dms trying to take credit away from people for their hardwork, spreading hate and negative energy, making things up to manipulate people's perception of others and get them to hate and turn on them- and all because of A SHIP? Damn. This is pathetic.

Who died and made you the gatekeeper of the jikook shipping community? Honestly antics like these don't work on me try again.

I made a video commentary on my Booktube YT account- yes I am part of the book YouTube community as well sue me or better still slip into their inboxes and tell them I voted for Trump therefore I hate chipmunks.

The commentary I made on YT months ago was when I was in the highs of finding a new passion and it was on Ann Rule's book, The Stranger Besides Me- a true crime novel on Ted Bundy which I found so poorly written that at the end of the book it left with me wondering whether or not Ted Bundy was guilty at all!

The Author's writing style which deviates from most writing styles of True Crime novels I have read gave me trust issues as I stated in the video. It felt more as if she was writing a made up fictional novel than an actual True Crime novel but because she knew Ted Bundy in person she made it seem as if we just had to believe her account.

Then there was this whole thing about the police not being able to match the DNA samples taken from his rape victims, to his own Semen because his Semen was DNAless- in lay man's terms. I'll spare you the technicalities involved.

As I stated in that video, I do believe Ted Bundy was guilty but I do not have much faith in the Judicial system, or criminal procedures or even the Author of that book- a sentiment most people within the true crime community share as well. We just had differing views on whether the writer's style took away from the narrative and waters down on the extent of Bundy's guilt.

We had a Similar conversation about Chris Watt. If the community I was engaging in didn't have a problem with my commentary why do you? Please don't meddle in things you know nothing about. It's embarrassing.

The conversation about whether or not Ted Bundy is innocent is moot but a philosophical one. It has nothing to do with Ted Bundy's guilt but more so the criminal procedures involved in his case and the different accounts that exists surrounding his case.

He was electrocuted, he confessed to his crimes no damn person with brains would think or assume he is innocent and I never said anything of that nature drew any conclusions to that effect.

Besides, I moved on from Ted Bundy a long time ago. Now I am into the Serial Killer who writes death poems and signs it off with drawings of the size of his dick at his crime scenes- mind your own business please or don't and let's have an intellectual discourse about him? Lmho.

I am also into cat memes if you care to know and have a whole IG dedicated to cat memes. I believe human beings are the most dumbest species in all the galaxies and when the Aliens arrive I am snitching.

When my mind is at rest, I often wonder if Aliens have masculinity complex and if they do whether or not their masculinity is contingent on the size of their dicks or whether they have to engage in a battle to the death with an alien grizzly bear to determine who is the man.

I love BTS memes too- a little too much and often end up debating over the internet with random people over whether BTS memes are funnier than cat memes- I'm weird, true. But how does all of that make me a bad person?

It's crazy how these people can go on these other platforms to ask people to take down the credits to my posts as well as my posts itself but can't ask people who run to these other platforms with misinterpretations of my work to take those down.

Instead they come on here to call me out for people's interpretations of my work?? It doesn't work that way. You are the author of your own opinion and interpretation of other people's work. You don't call out the original author for someone's opinion of their work. If that were so I would be emailing Stephanie Meyer for Anna Todd and her After series. Get some education.

I have since blocked this person and others whose Tumblr I have been able to find thanks to all those that's helped me finding them on here.

My gf also tried reaching out to the persons who shared my post after we realised this was becoming an issue and had asked them to credit her or my blog- but honestly I don't care about that yet she won't give it a rest. Lol. My ride or die this one. Sigh.

However, we realized soon that this is not about 'stealing' credit- can't call someone out for not giving credit when I suck at that myself. Lol.

This is about people's malicious intentions and their attempts to silence me and take away my right to freedom of expression however way that they can. This is wrong and evil.

I honestly don't care for all these ship politics these people are engaged in. I've had enough intelligent conversations to know the distinction between arguments that flows from bruised egos and actual conversations around a subject matter.

This whole I am right, she is wrong politics... y'all get that the point of having an opinion is not to be right, right? We all cant have the same perspective and you can't call someone a liar for holding views that is different from yours. That is a bizarre mentality to have.

As I stated in my post, that content I made was a rebuttal to the Taekook theories running around on the internet alleging JK glared at Tae when he pulled on his shoulder because he was jealous Tae and Jin were having fun behind him. He wasn't. He was worried Tae was gonna expose him and JM holding hands behind Suga.

If you don't think they were holding hands then Taekookers were right and his reaction was because he was Jealous of Taejin I guess...

But thats your truth. That's not my truth. I don't believe Taekook is real. JK isn't jealous of Taejin he is not Twelve- but then again he was sneaking around behind Suga holding his boyfriend's hands so I guess he is twelve? Lol. Jikook!

Do you.

But please stop the evil malicious attacks and seek immediate help. There is such a thing as right and wrong and this is just plain wrong. Your Karma and chakra are in the negative nodes and you need to fix it. It is not funny anymore.

Thank you to everyone who has shown genuine concerns for me in the past few days and thank you so much for trying to stand up for me. There are good people on here and I have met and interacted with a lot of them and thank you so much for such a wonderful experience and insightful discussions.

I don't hate people because of our differences in thoughts, beliefs, opinions. There's always room for dissenting opinions in every sphere. At the very least, we can agree to disagree and shake on it. But You can't make up shit about people just to prove your opinion is right and their opinions and views which differ from yours are 'wrong.

I am not a victim though, and they are not bullies, psst. They are just vile pathetic human beings exposing the greens of their insides. What you do says more about who you are as a person and human being. And this is who they are.

Just be a nice decent human being. That's what this world needs. Fix whatever is broken inside of you and free your mind and spirit. Hate is never the answer.

I'm going to be away for a while because I have studies, work and other interests I want to pursue at the moment- it's just my AADD flaring up so if you see me henceforth raving about Nana at least you'd know why. Lol. She's wrecking my Jimin bias. Lmho.

Spread positivity, do the right thing, stand up for a good cause and keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Until we meet again.

Signed,

GOLDY

[smalltowndetective]

Warm Melodies

Sorry that has been taking way too long to get writing out! (I’ve written quite a bit, but I am not happy with it, and I want to mass delete it, but I am trying to resist doing that) 

But lo and behold, I get this, and well, that finally broke through my writer’s block

Thank you so much @gloynporslen​ for requesting this! (You did not know you did, but thank you!) This is such a cute idea, and I had to write it haha!

But without anything further, I hope you like it! :)

Ao3 Link

Title: Warm Melodies

Pairing: Felix and Thea

Words: 1.1k

Notes: Yes, my first fic was also kind of similar to this. But, since I am acting like that does not exist, consider this a rewrite of it :D

“I could if you wanted me to”

               The words had had come out lightly, almost a whisper, a linger of hesitance in her words as she moved her head to look at him. The two of them were taking full advantage of the quiet evening at the warehouse, something that seemed to so rarely occur.

               Felix continued to sit there with her, the two of them almost tangled together in a mess of limbs, as he gently traced circles with his fingers from the top of shoulder all the way down to her inner wrist. Her skin was always cool to the touch, a great contrast to the warmth of his own.

               He gave her a smile, perhaps a smaller one then usual, but it was only more genuine as she continued to look at her, “I would be honored to listen to you play”

               A couple of months ago now, he had asked about the piano that was in her apartment, Thea’s Clavinova as she had called it. He knew that she could play, but had never actually heard her do so.

               Her face seemed to cover in a rosy blush at that, but he was not sure if that was from the statement or from the way they had become locked in a gaze as if they were the only two people to ever exist.

               “I’m not very good”, she stammered, but her eyes never left his, and it made him realize that no one had ever looked at him like that before. As if she could stare at him for eternity, never wanting him to leave. That was something that he had never had before, and he really did not it to ever end.

               Don’t sell yourself short”, he grinned, the slightest bit of seriousness entering his voice, “I’m sure you’re amazing”

               Thea’s eyes left his for just a moment to look at the piano that had been kept in the corner of the room since the unit had made their home here, the warm flames from the fireplace almost seeming to glow against her skin.

               “Okay”, she simply said, giving him a smile, even if it was slightly uncertain. Gently untangling herself, something that Felix almost whined at the lost of, but he watched as she made her way to the piano, sitting down in the bench before turning back to look at him. Feeling as though he was too far away, he moved closer, until he was only about a foot away, watching her with a sense of curiosity.

               The piano itself had originally been Nate’s, and while he had liked listening to him play, it never really had a special sort of significance in his mind.

               But it was hard to argue that it was not beautifully crafted, the maple wood never failing to look polished as if it was new, even if he had gotten the impression that it was actually quite old. Thea let her long, slender fingers go over the ivory keys, as if it was the most precious thing she had ever handled in the entire world.

               Taking a deep breath, as to help calm herself, she finally pressed the keys down enough to make a sound, and started to play.

               And while he did not recognize the song, not that he fully thought he would, but he was surprised by just how much it made him feel something. Like a memory, something fond, something that you always went back to think about again, but perhaps having just the hint of bittersweetness of it.

               All Felix could do was stand there and drink in the sight of her, as if he would never get the chance to see it again, and this was the last time she would ever be before him.

               It almost felt like a memory, even when it was happening before him. A photograph, a moment forever captured in time, able to show all the emotions even after time had passed.

               But it was real, realer than anything had ever felt or would. Felix had believed, that after seven years in the human world, he had made himself pretty well acquainted with it, and everything that was a part of it.

               That was before Thea. All of sudden, nothing about his surroundings seemed the same. Everything became more intense, from colors to sounds to touch, but God was it sweet. It felt surreal, knowing that he had never felt this way about anyone before, and would likely never feel this way about again.

               She looked beautiful, not to say that he did not always look so. But there was something special about the way that her half-lidded ocean blue eyes stared at the keys in light concentration, her long, wavy hair falling around her face.

               And as she closed her eyes fully, as it was all memory to her, her long eyelashes resting on her face, he could feel himself holding his breath, as if even the act of breathing might disturb her, a strange action for him.

               It was ethereal, and so was she, and he never wanted it to change. She was kinder than anyone he had ever met before, gentleness that he only seemed to find grew the longer that he knew her, full of so much love and with the desire to give it that it took her breathe away.

               “Thea”

               Felix had been hardly aware that he said her name, almost as caught in a trance, but as he heard the final conclusion of a chord, she looked back at him, gazing at with in quiet anticipation of what he was going to say, but for a few times in his life, he could not think of a word to say.

               What could he possibly say to her? The light of his life, someone who was so special to him. How could he say anything that would even make sense in this moment?

               With words failing, he moved closer to her, until he was sitting on the piano bench next to her, and she still continued to gaze at him, her eyes bright. Reaching his hand out, he gently pushed aside the curls of hair that always fell in her eyes in an effort to see her face better, before gently cupping her face.

               She smiled, leaning into the touch as blush formed on her cheeks, and while the room was now quiet with the absence of the piano, it seemed hardly offensive at all, as Felix leaned even closer to gently taste his lips with hers, before moving his lips to move with hers.

               Her eyes closed as she returned the motion, words not needed in the slightest as the two of them seemed to melt into each other, it enough to convey what could have been spoken.

Tags: (It is never an issue to add or remove you, just let me know!) @lilyoffandoms​, @lividlyinlove​, @sosolenoo​, @amlovelies​, @solus-reaper​, @lady-calypso​, @zyneryther​, @pearlsandsteel​

[lizacstuff]

EPISODE 34 - Sen Çal Kapımı/Edser Asks

(asks under the read more)

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the episode? I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel which is the end of this current storyline. Very much looking forward to Eda & Serkan being reunited at which point I will delete episodes 30-34 from my memories. This episode to me had the same vibe as 32 which overall had the feeling of actual progression for Eda & Serkan. It has been said before but the amnesia storyline and Serkan falling in love with Eda again could have been much more enjoyable with better writing and no Selin or Deniz but this is the plot we were given. So hoping for another Edser filled episode that includes Serkan professing his love to Eda in front of everyone.

YES, LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. Me too. I think we’re close to being rid of Selin and Deniz. 

As for the episode, it was a LOT better than the last one and was probably the easiest episode to watch since 28, but it’s still part of this unenjoyable arc. I agree that it had a similar vibe to 32, which was one of the best of this stretch. The writers seemed to have fixed the Edser screen time issue that plagued the last episode. I always want more, but there was enough in this episode to where at least I didn’t feel cheated. The episode was a lot lighter and had more of a romcom feel than any since Serkan lost his memory and I welcomed that as well. There were a number of very enjoyable Edser scenes AND the icing was very little Selin. 

That gave the episode room to breath, and room for Serkan and Eda to breath, which was much needed. 

Their bickering, starting at the station was fun to watch. And while I was pretty skeptical about an episode centered on Serkan trying to get Eda to admit her engagement is fake, it lead to some fun scenes. Him taunting her in the office about love gave us back some of that old romantic comedy sexual tension. Engin’s couple game gave us a few good moments, but, wow, it was really, really poorly constructed. Seriously, Serkan, you have to find someone savvier to do this sort of work for you. Leyla would have been better, even Erdem would have done better! Probably.  But the looks that Eda and Serkan were giving each other through that sequence gave me life. Squinting, peering one eye open, but always finding one another. Good stuff. 

As for the boxing, I’m glad they waited to do that sequence for a time when she had some anger at him to deal with! It just wouldn’t have been the same if they’d been playfully sparring. I equally enjoyed her beating the shit out of him and how hot her climbing all over him was. 

The catwalk was hot. Like really, super duper, 5 alarm fire, hot. I love that the editors made a 30 foot runway seem like it was 300 feet. And when they turned and she put her hand on his shoulder. I swooned. I don’t even care that it makes no sense to ask your architects to walk in a fashion show... though when one of your architects is as next level beautiful as Eda, you can see why they’d want her. (Sorry Selin, they probably saw you walk at the charity show too, but passed) Though why did they want Deniz? He’s not famous or attractive. It would have made more sense if they’d wanted the famous and handsome Serkan Bolat from the start. Though this way was more fun. GO MELO. BEST FRIEND EVER. Can we get her some sort of prize? She has her dada’s back, ALWAYS.  Serkan and Eda are going to owe her for life.

Having Eda fall off the boat was... extra. Especially since I’m sure she will be fished out no worse for the wear right off the top. Is it too much to ask that Serkan accuses Selin of pushing her? Please!?!?!?

Anonymous said: is it bad that deniz is now annoying me more as a villian than selin.. granted, last ep selin had very little screentime (thank god) and when she was there was usually playing third wheel to edser.. but deniz is slowly getting worse and worse.. manipulating eda into continuing their fake game and now basically pulling the puppet strings with selin. as much as i hated how ceren told serkan about the fake engagement, i WAS rooting her on when she yelled at him about him taking advantage of eda.

Deniz needs to take a long walk off a short pier. Good gawd he’s really turned into a psycho, hasn’t he? 

Look, I know Eda and Serkan are both awesome. They’re insanely good looking and charming and smart and successful, BUT, PEOPLE, even they are not worth losing your dignity and your sanity over. Balca, The Prince, Selin and Deniz... all gone crazy over them.

With Selin this episode, though, she sort of struck me as resigned to her fate. Like she’s still going through the motions of being a psycho stalker and playing the game, but deep down she knows she’s lost.  She’s seen this movie before, she knows what it looks like when Serkan is falling in love with Eda, and she knows it’s happening again and that she doesn’t stand a chance. She’ll keep trying on the off chance Eda gets hit by a bus (or falls off a boat) and because she is seriously not right in the brain, but she’s lost all her swagger. 

Think about all StalkerSelin has witnessed. In 30 she saw them having intense moments by the fire, in 31 she saw them having intense moments on the boat. She knows Serkan took off on her birthday to go help Eda with the project and they spent all day together. Then later that same day she was abandon by him before she could blow out her candles so that he could go save Eda, then she saw him sleep snuggling with Eda, all so they could come back and she could go spy on him planting terrariums with Eda and then he lies to her face and she watches him go to meet Eda for dinner. In this episode, Eda and Serkan were bickering about whether or not Serkan was staring at Eda and they didn’t stop when Selin entered the office and neither one even seemed to noticed her! Serkan is fixated on Eda and Selin knows it. 

She was acting defeated before she got the photos. Now that she has them... what will she do? Crawl in hole and die? One can hope!

Anonymous said: just general thoughts: i was able to enjoy this episode way more than the previous ones and not cause there was miracle occurrence in the episode.. but because there was minimal selin lol. the selin fatigue is real!!! it also helps that while yes, serkan was teasing and trying to rile eda up, he wasn't using selin to do it this episode. for some reason with how it's going (and with neslihan's emoji spoilers for next ep) i do believe he's gonna remember at the end of next ep.

The Selin fatigue is real.  They really ruined what could have been an interesting and good batch of episodes by inserting her unnecessarily into the plot. I really think amnesia was enough drama and enough of a stumbling block without this aggravating nonsense. Every second she is on screen is a chore to watch. 

As for him remembering at the end of next episode, it’s possible. A lot of people are out there selling spoilers (which almost every source of spoilers has been so wrong so many times, that I’m not sure why anyone pays attention to any of them anymore) that he remembers by the end of the next ep. 

Here’s the thing though, he has to tell Eda he loves her before he remembers.  That’s what all of this has been leading to, him falling in love with her again from scratch, so as long as that happens, it’s plausible. But any theory that involves him getting his memories back and then going after her... doesn’t ring true to me. I mean with this batch of writers anything could happen, (because they have some issues) but if they do that, then I have no idea what this entire arc has been about. 

Anonymous said: The mystery person has got to be Ferit, right? ever since that first episode back, they've been sure to throw in one scene each episode where he's delivering some sort of warning to Selin telling her to knock it off. Unless its a random new/returning character that we haven't seen as part of this arc yet.

I don’t know. He’s definitely a suspect, but here’s my thing with that theory, a) Ferit is not the sharpest tool in the shed b) Ferit is usually such a straight forward, honest character. I mean this is the guy that blurted out in episode 1 how happy he was that Serkan was engaged to such a beautiful woman because he considered him his rival for Selin. No filter. 

It’s hard for me to believe he’s become this diabolical and sneaky and savvy. I feel like if he had the photos he’d just hand them to Serkan. But we’ll see. 

He’s on my list of potentials, but I also wonder if someone hired a PI or someone to follow Selin, and on that list of suspects for me is Aydan, Babaanne, Alptekin and Serkan himself. 

Anonymous said: one of my fav scenes from last ep was weirdly the girl talk scene between melo, eda, and ayfer. them talking about eda's feelings and encouraging her was much needed. and for once in the entire show, ayfer actually spoke some sense.. guess her little stint with alex woke up her eyes to love or something lmao. we need more scenes like that where character motivations are laid out plainly.

Ayfer made up for a LOT with that one scene. Wow, she actually wasn’t thinking selfishly and put Eda’s heart first and didn’t immediately vilify Serkan. A miracle! 

It was a very good scene. And when I rank characters (in my head) from best to worst, she’s now above Piril and Ceren! Oh man, Ceren really out did herself with the way she framed Eda’s fake engagement to Serkan. I really don’t understand where her rage at Eda came from, but she better seek help soon if she wants any chance at redemption. 

Also I know it’s terrible, but when Piril was upset about Engin potentially cheating... I LAUGHED out loud. I think I might have also yelled, “SUFFER BITCH!” I really can’t stand her and I loved seeing her miserable. After enabling Selin she deserves the pain. 

Anonymous said: So I kind of felt bad for Serkan because of Eda’s strong reaction to him kissing her but at the same time, not. His out of the blue invitation to dinner and the kiss with no explanation was just never going to go over very well after his recent behavior. And of course she was going to think he got his memory back because in her mind it is the only explanation for him kissing her at this point. But at the same time it would have been really interesting to see how he reacted to her just pulling him in for another kiss. He clearly would have been totally into it and then who knows how the rest of the episode would have gone 🤷🏻‍♀️. They are stuck in a bad cycle, he overlooks her sensitivity to things due to not remembering their past and she is unable to overlook his insensitivity due to their past together. And the writers want to keep dragging this out so Eda & Serkan are constantly interrupted before they can talk stuff out.

They did a nice job of finally having Eda talk about what’s going on in her brain box. She wants her Serkan back just as he was before. Which is understandable, but she’s pinning all of her hopes on Serkan remembering and when he doesn’t she loses it. 

Thank goodness Melo and Ayfer were there to gently talk some sense to her. It isn’t his fault that he doesn’t remember and he’s not doing it on purpose. And as Melo said he’s falling in love with her again, him walking in and kissing her was a big sign of that. I think we all worried he was going to say something jerkish to her after the kiss, but he didn’t. He was just honest that he didn’t remember, and I think slapping him was a little harsh. I mean she’s definitely not in the wrong here, he’s been a whole jackass at times, but she’s putting all her effort into getting him to remember, and she’s not succeeding, but she should maybe recognize when she’s making other headway with him. You know, like him arranging a dinner and walking up and kissing her. Maybe ride that wave and see where it goes! 

As you said, if she’d kissed him again, things would have ended differently. Or if instead of getting angry she had said, “Okay, you kissed me but you still don’t remember, where do we go from here?” However, slapping him in that moment is very true to her character. We know she reacts emotionally, and her spontaneity and volatility are a part of her, and he loved all of her. 

Anonymous said: I guess the writers pay attention to some details - seems the project that got cancelled in 32 was the same Serkan said was going badly in 28. But not other details - Leyla puts down the papers to say the project was cancelled without telling Serkan, knowing that he'd see them on his desk right away, and he does. So wouldn't he have noticed the envelope the day of the surprise dinner? He had plenty of opportunity. I thought this ep it would be revealed he saw the pics but he didn't seem to know.

I find it hella hard to believe that those photos sat on his desk all day and he didn’t open them (in 33) or that they hit his desk this episode after Eda handed them to him and he didn’t open them. So, yeah, either he’s seen them or this was a big writing fail. (Right now I’m thinking it was a big writing fail).

Though personally, at this point, I don’t want them to be found until after Serkan declares his love for Eda. Let him make the decision and then lets have the evidence that makes everything guilt free and easier to humiliate and punish S/D.

Anonymous said: Is Deniz trying to trick Eda into a real legal marriage? is that what is about to happen here? I can't decide if he is worse than Selin now. I'm going to need Ayfer to bring back her threat to expose everything.

They can be equally psycho and bad. I’m not sure overall he’s worse, yet, but he was definitely way worse this episode. How has Eda not noticed that he has interrupted intense moments between her and Serkan too many times to be helpful? That’s one thing I hate about this storyline is that they have had to dumb down both Eda and Serkan to make it work. 

I have no idea what Deniz’s end game is. Is he going to trick her into marriage? But even so, what then?  If she thinks it’s a fake ceremony, but it’s real, what does he think Eda is going to do? Does he really think she’ll think his lies and tricks are charming, and stay married to him? 

Or does he think that if he gets Eda to the wedding day, and Serkan doesn’t make a move, Eda will just go “Okay, then I guess I might as well marry you for real.”  Good grief. The guy is delusional. 

I admit that I yelled, “FUCK YOU” multiple times during his scenes. This was a very vocal episode for me. I was so happy when Melo outmaneuvered him at the fashion show. Finally, someone was able to turn the tables on him. 

Anonymous said: I am so tired of hearing on Twitter that the Eda is entirely to blame for Edser not being reunited yet. Nope, that does not rest entirely on Eda or Serkan’s shoulders. The writers have created a never ending cycle of the two of them hurting each other directly & indirectly and also being manipulated by their so called childhood friend/fiancés. This Serkan does not even believe in true love and has been manipulated to think Eda is an awful person. Eda has been watching the love of her life getting cozy with Selin and he has repeatedly told her that they do not have a future together not to mention Deniz’s manipulations as well. Regardless of what they are each feeling, they do not think the other person feels the same way. The fake engagement with Deniz is awful just like Serkan’s real engagement with Selin is but again not solely Eda’s fault. And saying that Eda needs to be the bigger person because she has her memories is not fair. She does not know if he will ever get them back and again he has repeatedly said they have no future together & he is with Selin. Eda walks into that office everyday to be close to him and she puts up with his crap comments and the bs from Selin in the hope that things turnaround. And for the boxing scene, yes, it would have been great if Eda has poured out her true feelings but not 100% sure the writers would have let Serkan reciprocate in that moment not to mention Deniz showed up 3 seconds later. The real people to blame are the writers that came up with this plot where no one wins.

Someone said Eda is entirely to blame for Edser not being reunited yet? Where are you hanging out on twitter? You need to find better people to follow who understand that Serkan HAS AMNESIA and is being manipulated. No need to play the blame game on this one, it’s a horrible situation for both of them. 

Eda has been dealt a lousy hand, very lousy, she and Serkan are both victimes here trying to find their way out. That being say, she decided to go on the offensive and play a game, and in that game she’s made some tactical errors. Which is not laying blame it’s just saying she’s made some missteps. 

Where she’s going wrong, as I said above, is that she is doing everything to get Serkan to remember, and she isn’t focused in on the fact that he’s falling back in love with her regardless of his memory. That’s pretty extraordinary! 

I really think when she answered “Yes” to loving Deniz and wanting to marry him, that was one of those missteps. A big one. I’m not saying she should have bared her soul right then and there, but I think she probably would have been better off not answering the questions at all. Perhaps telling him that he can’t ask her that while he’s engaged to Selin. Turn it back on him, but saying she loves Deniz when they were having a very serious, raw moment... mistake. And that’s why the whole thing is going to go right up until the wedding day.  Let’s hope one of them puts their stubbornness aside before she’s shackled to a psycho. (Don’t worry, they will). 

[annegbrands]

A letter to my cyberbully

TW: Su!c!de, ab4se and over all strong language

_

You know you were actually the first, the first one to send ME that on tiktok, the first one to actually make me feel something just by sending a comment. 

Wait, not just a comment, by creating 7 different tiktok accounts just to comment on my videos AND three instagram accounts just to dm me after I blocked you. And all of this on top of your main account.

You see I have actually been bullied before, in primary school, later I isolated myself from other people during high school. Social media was my getaway, gosh I hope nobody finds those cursed images of me thinking I actually had what it took to become an influencer at the time! I hoped that I would finally find a community of people that liked what I liked, listened to the same music, read the same books, watched the same movies. In my conservative town they don’t watch that, they don’t listen to the same music, they don’t even wear the same clothes I do. Especially not those in my class, they would lock me up in closets for 30 minutes, I was quiet so the teacher wouldn’t notice. I would be thrown under one of those iron soccer goals, I could barely breathe, they’d do this after cornering me in the little pee corner the boys had in my school.

But here I was, 5 years later, almost 6, with 136k followers on tiktok, that girl I just described saw her dreams come true. I finally saw myself do something in the future and I was able to let go of things.

By creating content I was able to let go of several trauma’s that I had experienced. Some of the events that I mentioned above shaped me to become somebody who blends in easily, someone who doesn’t like the spotlight in real life, who is just part of a crowd instead of a leader, someone who needs 15 minutes before saying hi to somebody in the street. I was able to be who I wanted to be on my tiktok account.

Now I know it’s just a tiktok account, but for me creating content had so much meaning and reaching 136k made me feel like people wanted to hear me, hear my story. I finally became the leader I know I’m supposed to be, and this time I couldn’t see the judgemental faces I’d see in real life, even before they’d happen I would imagine them, and I'd just stop, or embarrass myself and leave.

You see, I'm not the type of girl to just sit there and beg someone to fight them. You mentioned you lived to fight Christians, so I made a joke and welcomed you with open arms to come and beat me up.

You took this seriously and started to threaten me on instagram and tiktok. Obviously I blocked you because I was not taking this as serious as you did.

I might be a Christian, but I’m pro choice, an LGBTQ+ ally and I 100% support BLM. I do realise for these groups that it might not be all Christians who will say hurtful things, but you don’t know which ones. So usually I don’t open up about my religion as much. Whereas your comment, I did feel a bit offended. You LIVE to FIGHT Christians? That’s just a weird statement and that’s not how we will achieve the goals we both strive for: Equal human rights.

The comment was a joke, but it did have some defence mechanism in it. 

After blocking your main accounts, you came from spam accounts and later newly created accounts that you proudly showed in your video on tiktok. I blocked those too, causing your friends to come after me. 

One of them wished my future husband to beat me senseless, they called me a psycho, they told me to k!ll myself, to ch0ke and definitely other hurtful things. I laughed before these comments, but when I read them, my heart sank. Was that how you and your friends thought of me? I got several texts not only from friends, but also from classmates, my parents and my co workers. They saw the comments, they wanted to know what happened and they asked if I was okay.

What was I supposed to say? “This girl wanted to fight Christians so I said okay come over then, and then she got obsessed and her and her friends are coming after me from different accounts that they’re creating”? That sounds like bullshit but it is exactly what happened.

I made a video on this, which made you upset. You instantly rushed to twitter to play the victim after this. Even though it might not have been you who told me those things, it was your friend. I had ‘beef’ with you, not your friends. What your friends say in OUR situation is YOUR responsibility. 

Later I saw a video you made where you mentioned your ex hit you, but yet you support and defend your friends who wish the same if not worse on me, someone they don’t know.

If you’re still reading this far, I want to thank you, actually, because this is very personal that I’m just putting up on here, because even after an entire week, I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about the things said to me, I still see you guys laughing on social media because I asked for an apology for those things, yet I’m being laughed at for basically being wished to d!e.

Yes, you won, my account got deleted. Tiktok refuses to take me seriously, they don’t read my emails, they don’t even read any message or text I write, they continuously send me this automatic email. I guess that makes you happy or excited: Wauw I got a tiktokker deleted. 

You should be proud of yourself, you got your friends to ruin my dream together. You got me to actually fall back into the routine: Another day of this lifeless life. Because again: This wasn’t just an account, it was a way for me to cope with things and move on from several things.

You mentioned I begged you for that fight. Did I though? Or did I just leave one comment. Yes, I made the two videos but I didn’t even mention the fight there, just your dm, asking for my address, and your comments, also....asking for my address. 

I guess you’re just that: A bully who thrives off of negative attention. You just need 3 friends to love you, but anyone besides that can hate you as much as you want, because you act like you don’t care and then blame it on mental issues. That’s what your behaviour towards me and your social media posts portray at least. 

My tiktok account was me being the best version of myself, my tiktok was a safe space for poc and the lgbtq+ community, my live streams were full of amazing talks with people. You took that not just from me but also from them.

So much just to prove you’re a bitter person.

I hope you’re proud, proud of yourself for ruining a person’s dream. A person who might be more similar to you then you might realise. But you refuse to realise that, because I begged you right? With one comment? I begged you with one comment while you created 7 accounts, besides your main and your spam and the two you made last night and this morning. 

But that’s it.

I have nothing to apologise for, you do. So yes, you do still owe me an apology and so do your friends. I am sorry however for your boyfriend beating you in the past, nobody deserves that (I guess you disagree on that last statement).

Have a great day, 

Anne.

[firstlovesuggestions]

Disclaimers, Rules, FAQ, and Resources

Hi everyone! Here’s the official one-stop post for this blog and how it runs. I’m excited to get things moving again after my long hiatus!

Disclaimers and rules are subject to change at any time~

The resources list is always expanding; if you have resources for help in the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please message me so I can include them in the list. As of right now, I only have US resources.

Note: as of April 20, 2021 I am putting a temporary hold on answering advice asks. The inbox is still open for advice, but I’m just going through some personal things and need a little break, so I might not respond as soon as you like. Submissions will still be posted and my own suggestions will still be coming! Thank you~

Disclaimers

All suggestions are my own thoughts and feelings about my own partner and relationship. I have not, do not, and will not ever take another suggestion blog’s work as my own. Submissions from followers are tagged “submission” and I will never take credit for someone’s submission. If you think I am stealing another blog’s posts or there are any other sourcing issues, please message me directly.

I am a 22 year old cisgender bisexual woman in a relationship with a 25 year old cisgender straight man. As such, I may not always give the best or most fitting advice to others of different genders, sexualities, and ages, but I really do try my best.

Any advice I give is purely based on my own thoughts, opinions, and experiences. I try to be objective at the same time, but at the end of the day, I’m going to go with what I feel is the best answer for you. If you disagree with or are upset by my advice, please ignore it and move on. I can’t tell you what you want to hear just to make you feel better; that doesn’t help anyone.

I’m not responsible for the outcome of your situation if you choose to apply the advice I give. I’m a stranger on the internet you asked for help, not a fairy godmother. I can’t fix things for you, just give you my input. Please don’t blame me for things not working. I don’t like being harsh about this, but I just want to make this known and understood.

Rules

Homophobia, transphobia, racism, misogyny/misandry, and any other sort of discrimination is prohibited in your reblogs, replies, and tags. If I find anyone breaking this rule to any degree, you will be blocked on the spot, no questions asked. It’s 2021. You’re better than this.

If you find my advice or my suggestions to be problematic in any way, please message me directly and tell me why, so I know to correct myself and to delete the problematic post in question.

DD/LG blogs will be blocked immediately if I find any interaction with my posts whatsoever. This is not kinkshaming. This is me wanting no part of a community that sexualizes children.

No asks about family situations and relationships. These will be deleted, as I am not in any position to help with matters like these.

Asks about sex and sexual relationships are allowed, but please do not be overly graphic in your descriptions. Sex asks are reserved for those 18 or older**. I will tag all sex-related posts with “tw sex” for those who wish to avoid them.

I won’t post submissions about breakups, rejections, or any other sorrowful situations. I want this blog to be a happier place for people. I’m really sorry for this one, and I can still be here to support you if you want to direct message me.

If you have any questions about the rules, please send a message! I don’t want to discourage anyone from interacting with this blog.

** If you are a minor looking for resources relating to things like sexual assault or birth control, please see the resources below. If you have any other questions or situations you need resources for, please message me directly.

FAQ

This is a list of the topics asked very, very frequently and a quick answer to them. If I find your ask to be redundant and think it can be answered on this list, it will be deleted. This is not meant to ignore you; this is to keep ask traffic lower so that I can answer more people instead of repeating the same answer for one general topic.

“Would it be wrong of me to get revenge on [person] for [reason]?” - Yes. I don’t ever condone revenge for any reason when it comes to relationships. Don’t stoop to their level. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing you’re angry/upset with them. The best way to say “fuck you” to someone is to cut them off and move on, because you’re taking away the power they held over you.

“I’m in an LDR and my partner isn’t reaponding to my texts like they used to.” - Communicate. LDRs have no room for not responding to texts and calls because that’s the only way you get to connect. If they still aren’t willing to talk after multiple attempts to discuss the issue(s) at hand, you can give them an ultimatum or just leave.

“How do I get my crush to notice me?” - Talk to them. If you’re wanting to get their attention, reach out to them.

“How can I start a conversation with my crush?” - Casually compliment them, find something in the environment to comment on or send them a meme “accidentally”. It’s not creepy to start a conversation, and it could lead to a new friendship or something more! Just don’t rush things.

“How do I impress my crush?” - Be yourself. Seriously. If you try to be anything other than you, or if you do things you usually never do or don’t like to do, it won’t end well. If you did manage to reel in your crush and start dating, it would be under false pretenses and likely wouldn’t last long.

“I confessed to my crush, but they rejected me.” - Accept their answer. No means no, no exceptions. The worst thing you could possibly do is keep trying to get them to say yes. If they offer to stay friends after they reject you, it’s your choice to keep them in your life or to move on.

“I have a crush on someone who is already in a monogamous relationship.” - There’s nothing wrong with having a crush. What matters is that you do not, under any circumstances, interfere with their relationship. It will hurt to see them with someone else, but if you love them, you should respect their choices and who/what brings them happiness.

“I have/my partner has a crush on someone else.” - If you’re dating casually, this isn’t super uncommon, but if it bothers you, say something. If you’re in a committed relationship, this could be an issue because one of you doesn’t have your heart fully in it. If you feel like you two have become distant or that the trust is broken, communicate and determine where to go from there.

“I have a crush on someone, but they’re [sexuality, gender].” - In the same way they respect your gender and sexuality, you need to respect theirs, too. If they express interest outside of their sexual orientation, you can be there to support them, but do not force things unless you want to push them away or break your bond with them.

If you feel your question isn’t answered here depite being related to something on the list, or you need more specific advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out after you have read this list thoroughly and completely!

Resources (USA)

Crisis text line: Text HELLO to 741741

Domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Sexual assault hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)

Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)

Substance abuse services (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-4357 (HELP)

Trevor Lifeline (LGBTQ mental health crisis hotline): 1-866-488-7386

Eating disorder helpline: (Call or Text) 1-800-931-2237, via NEDA

Dating issues/abuse: via loveisrespect.org

Birth control information: via Planned Parenthood

If anyone has resources for the UK, Canada, Australia, or any other country, please let me know. I want to only have the best and most reliable ones here, and it’s difficult to know which ones to include. Thank you in advance!

…………………

About Me

My main is @serenityfive! If reply to you in a post, that’s where I’ll be talking from. Same with if I follow you or I’m scrolling through and liking stuff on your blog. I like to pick a blog at random in the notes and look around since I’m trying to find people to follow despite tumblr being dead!

I started this blog in 2018 to express my feelings for a guy I had a massive crush on who eventually became my boyfriend. We have been together for 2 and a half years now and are living happily in Colorado! My side of our story can be found here 💕

So, a little bit more about me... I’m 22, I like cooking, gaming, cats, nature, and I have a strong interest in health and nutrition. I’m currently finishing my associate’s degree and want to obtain a certification in surgical technology!

I’m happy to make people smile with this blog; you guys are very fulfilling and kind, and I thank you! If anyone wants to chat, just hit me up~

With love,

Lily

[alines7777]

i btfo'd a terf on twitter who decided to chime in on a discussion i participated in on trans issues, namely the topic of arkansas banning gender-affirming therapies for trans youth.

i finished my part of the discussion, or so i thought, by linking an editorial with a list of fatal assaults against trans people that were reported on by the media in the year 2020, in reference to a fear i expressed that the recent legislation in arkansas might embolden hospitals to refuse life-saving care to people with a medical history related to being trans.

and that's when the terf chimed in, changing the subject, with a scholastic paper on crime statistics measuring fatal assaults against women, with the implied but still obvious intent to belittle trans issues, saying that that the 44 named by the media in the editorial i cited didn't compare to her 2000 victims who were unnamed as statistics in a scholastic paper.

i realized all of this immediately the moment i saw it and called it out, starting with the obvious, that a few reports on tragic events made by the media can't be appropriately compared in scope or method to statistics, involving cases not known or reported on by the media, and made a piss-poor sugue into the plight of cis women, and given the context, it was also made in poor taste. i was also quick to point out that there aren't even close to half as many trans women alive or dead as there are cis women. as soon as i finished pointing out these facts, i moved on to berating her conduct, by letting her know that i don't change the subject to the plight of trans people when the subject is on the plight of cis women, and certainly not with the intent of belittling their interests, and that i don't tell anyone to take the back seat, and then i added the remark that i thought she saw me as an abomination like so many other transphobes.

i'll admit, her chiming in and changing the subject like that to belittle my interests as a trans person did annoy me. i was going, to quote a certain someone who shall remain unnamed, "both guns and a hand grenade".

but i wasn't done yet.

i also noticed something amiss in the paper she linked -- it made no clear indication that it was intended to measure fatal assaults solely against cis women -- and i went to the trouble of explaining that to her, and asking her how she could know that it did, multiple times. she never gave a satisfactory answer regarding the author's intent and method. i also pointed out that the paper didn't even indicate any kind of method, which probably meant that it cited other works by other statisticians, whose intent i called into question in turn.

to be clear, i wasn't denying any murders against cis women, nor was i denying that it's as bad as people say it is, i know that it's as bad as people say it is, i was merely expressing doubt that the work she cited was actually faithful to the argument she made, particularly in terms of cis women having it worse than trans women, when i know that neither she nor i were qualified to make any claims attesting to that or the converse.

i kept asking, "how can you be so sure that the research was to measure crimes committed just against cis women when they never said that was what they were doing?"

she only replied and repeated that "women means biological females," you know, attributing her own intent to the author she cited.

i was getting more annoyed by that the more times she said it, and i finally said, "the paper never specified that, and since you said that it's about biological females, that would lead me to wonder if that would include trans men," and having just about had it, i told her that she should contact the author of the paper before continuing the discussion.

then the replies stopped, and then i noticed an older reply that i hadn't before.

"i don't think you're an abomination, you are jumping to conclusions."

still annoyed, but less so, i responded, "yea, just like how you jumped to the conclusion that all the crimes against trans people that are reported on by the media are simply all the crimes against trans people."

and then, before i knew it, she deleted all her replies to me, including where she chimed in, probably realizing that she looked like the combative fool she was being. if she wasn't embarrassed, then i presume she would have blocked me instead, like countless others.

and i won't lie. it felt good knowing that.

but seriously, terfs, i am a specially trained and battle-hardened antifa supersoldier, DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

i'm certainly not the brightest, but don't take me or my intellect lightly.

but in all honesty, and to her credit, the debates i have with others on twitter usually become a lot more heated than that, and they usually aren't nearly as brief

[bluebloodstained]

;|; Mobile Rules ;|;

Mun Info

name: Moe Loogham

age: 21

birthday: September 25th

pronouns: She/Her

faceclaim: Deadpool, Rose Quartz, or Loki

rp experience: 8+ Years

discord: Available to Mutuals on Request!

HELLO!

I'm Moe! It's great to meet you. After taking a very long break from the tumblr rpc, I've decided to dive back in, because why the hell not.

I'm from New York, I have two beautiful guinea pigs named Sage and Rosemary and I'm a witch, that's just about everything you gotta know. I recently graduated from college, and still trying to figure out where I wanna be in the world, so this is my little corner of the internet where I come to unwind and scream about my favorite roboy.

My Rules have been broken up into sections. I will try to keep each section as brief as possible while still informing you of everything you need to know about how I like to run things.

Blog Etiquette + Following

This blog is

PRIVATE, SELECTIVE, and MUTUAL'S ONLY and 21+.

I do not follow for a follow, and I do not follow back unless I am interested in threadding with you. If I follow your blog, it means I have read your rules and bio at the very least! I do not send in passwords, but if you have a post that you would like to direct followers to when they've read your rules, I will like it.

If we are not mutuals, you are still free to interact through asks and ask memes. i reserve the right to delete/ignore asks from mutuals and non-mutuals alike! this is mostly out of precaution, and would only be done in cases that violate privacy or cause discomfort.

I will only thread with other Roleplay/Ask blogs. Sideblogs are fine, but if your main blog is a personal, please let me know and tell me your sideblog url! If you RP off of your personal, I will not follow/thread with you. This is mainly to keep my dash organized. That being said, I will not unfollow someone just because they post OOC a lot. I know I have a tendency to do the same sometimes.

I am not okay with nonmutuals reblogging my content. Feel free to like them, but reblogging anything will result in a soft block. Repeated offenses will result in your blog being blocked. I'm not here to be your aesthetic/graphic archive.

The same applies to ask memes. Do not use me as your meme resource. ALWAYS reblog from the source.

Just as a general note, sometimes I will have periods of low activity. I try to be active at the VERY LEAST once a week, and sometimes I'll be able to crank out like 10 replies in one day. But real life always comes first, for me AND any of my rp partners. RPing is a hobby for me, and I don't let it stress me out. Of course, if it's been a week or two since I've replied, there's a very good chance that I've just forgotten to respond. If that happens, do not be afraid to poke me about it.

If I ever want to drop a thread, I'll let you know, and I'll very much appreciate if you do the same, but it's absolutely not required. I don't mind at all, if anything I'll usually ASK if you want to drop it and if you do, that's completely fine. The other option I have for threading is ARCHIVING, for when we have a thread that we want to put down for now, but maybe pick up again later. If you'd rather Archive a thread instead of drop it, just tell me. :)

Also!

All Icons on this blog are made/screenshotted by me or RK800ISALIVE, and my post banners were made by DENICDLIFE Please do not take them or use them!!

Shipping + Exclusivity

this entire section is very important. please read it carefully, and feel free to ask me if you don't understand something.

This isn't my first rodeo. I love shipping. I am perfectly open to shipping. HOWEVER, that is not the sole purpose of this blog. Regardless of canon, fanon, personal preference or otherwise, unless we have spoken previously about it, Connor will not be automatically shipped with your muse. This blog is OCxCanon friendly, and canon ships are fine too. But for ANY case, I ship chemistry If your muse doesn't click with mine, that's totally fine. But please don't try to force a ship on me, and do not follow me if shipping is the only thing you're looking for out of our threads.

On that note: Original Characters. They're great, I love hearing about them and seeing their depth and complexity. But if your OC has little to no history, or if their sole purpose is to flirt with Connor, please do not ask to interact.

I've had so many experiences in the past with OCs whose existence is based around wanting to bang my muse and it really grates on me. It's nothing personal, I know writing only gets better with practice, but if you come to me asking to be a detective who works with Connor and that's all the information you have, I really ask that you go find another Connor to interact with.

I will only ship with your muse after discussing it out of character. IC flirting is the only exception to this, but do not get angry if Connor does not respond the way you want him to.

I don't want to have to put that there, but it's happened to me too many times before and it's an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. Please don't do it.

This blog is NOT Exclusive, but I do practice Maining with other muses. What that means is if we have previously discussed it, and have had enough interaction, my muse will refer to yours in conversation or in terms of relationship depending on circumstance.

Once I have created mains, they will be posted in the Navigation tab. Occasionally I may post a mains call, which invites anyone interested to discuss becoming a main with Connor.

Mains have top priority for threads.

TRIGGERS + NSFW

I am 21+ years old, and NSFW can and will happen on this blog, however I will always keep anything that contains NSFW under a "read more" cut for the sake of any followers who are not comfortable with seeing NSFW content.

I am comfortable with most NSFW topics. I absolutely WILL NOT write about pedophelia or incest, and definitely WILL NOT rp sexual situations with minors or people who I have not shared consent with. This is for my safety as well as those who I interact with. I'm trying to get into grad school, not jail.

I will try to tag triggers accordingly as they appear. Triggering content that MAY appear on this blog include:

Abuse

Child/Character Death

Disease

Drugs/Drug Use

Alcohol

Execution/Murder

Gore

Nudity

Self-Harm

Suicide/Mental Health Issues

Verbal/Physical Violence

Torture

Important: mun and muse are mutually exclusive. I am not Connor. Connor is not me. Actions performed in threads do not reflect me or my personal beliefs, unless otherwise explicitly stated by me.

If you've made it this far, I would really appreciate if you could like this post, just to let me know you've read and understand all my rules. If you are not comfortable doing so, that's fine! It's really just to help me know people cared enough to go through the whole list. :) It's not at all an obligation, but it would be really awesome.

Despite the fact I am comfortable with NSFW, I prefer to be comfortable with the other mun as a person before agreeing to write these topics with you. I am not obligated to write NSFW with anyone.

Last Updated: 8/19/2020

[dramarising-replacement]

Sorry, had to sleep

So.. I've been stalking this blog for a while, but in my almost 5 years on FR I didn't expect that I would have a story to share. I do now.

A bit of quick background info; I live in Europe, so my timezone is CET+1 which means I'm FR+9. I exalt and flip fodder as a main source of income on the site. Because of this, it's not uncommon for people to message me, asking to buy a fodder dragon. I'm always more than happy to sell them or trade for another dragon and I've never really had a bad experience with people. Usually they're super nice when asking!

Not this one user tho.

I woke up this morning to a few pings and pms. Not uncommon, so I went to check. One was just Baldwin telling me he was finished cooking up some snow but the other one was a comment on my profile by user L.

I went to check, but the comment had been deleted. I didn't think a lot about it, it might just have been a simple mistake or something. So I went to take a look at my pms. I had two. From the same user. L again. First message was pretty standard for someone looking to buy fodder.

The second message however, made me scratch my head a little.

Please notice that these two messages were only 50 mins apart. I went to check the users profile, thinking that they might be a new or younger user, so I wanted to assure them that I was not angry, offended or anything like that, I was simply asleep.

However, I was met by this screen:

Now I was just confused.

I went to a few of my friends and talked about the issue, one of them suggested me to post on the dragon in questions bio, saying that I'm willing to sell the dragon but I am unable to contact them. Just in case they were checking up on the dragon again. Here is the text, in case anyone want to know what I wrote:

Another one of my friends went and took at look at Ls profile, they didn't message L or anything like that. I told them not to, since I didn't wanna cause anything bad to happen. My friend then sent me two images of text from Ls profile:

Alright then... An image of what type of person I was dealing with was starting to become clearer. I stayed calm though. I've interacted with neuro atypical people before and for the most part, they're very sweet, if a little awkward at times. Might explain why they blocked me. Could have been a moment of anxiety.

Curiosity then got the better of me and I went to the 'Post Your Current Thought' thread to sniff around.

And I. Struck. GOLD.

All my pity and goodwill towards this user, dissapeared faster than the fucking Tidelord.

Please notice the time stamps here for everything. They messaged me first at 16:10 FR time, then made a follow-up message at 17:00. By no later than 17:11! God. Dang. 11 MINUTES later, they wrote this! And by the way, this timespace for me, was between 01 and 03 AM. I was sleeping you absolute daft doorknob! How do you even live your life with that lack of patience?

I still have the dragon. I'm still willing to sell it to them. But I will demand they apologise to me for acting like an entitled, impatient, bratty kid. And having aspergers is no excuse for acting like this.

Don't play the fucking victim card like this for pity points because I wasn't online at 01 AM due to the friggin' rotation of the god damn earth!

Moral of the story? Timezones exist. Please be patient with people. I hope you enjoyed my journey! In case images aren't working here's a link to the imgur.