#using toxic masculinity to make myself feel better about probably having to grow up quick bc daddy liked beer too much

[fandomfluffandfuck]

Not to be 👃👃👃 but I'm curious 🤔 whats you're relationship with your male-ness? Like crying and such? Were you raised with the boys🤷‍♂️dont🤷‍♂️cy🤷‍♂️

I don't think this is too nosy, don't worry. Actually, I think it's a good thing. Self reflection is always good. But, because it's not fandom related and probably gonna be a bit of a lengthy ramble, I'll put my relationship with masculinity below the cut-

*sensitivity warning for: discussions of toxic masculinity, body image issues, eating disorders, the Q slur, LGBTQ+ realizations & identity, offscreen hunting, strained family relations, depression, etc.

Before I say anything specific, I'm going to mention that I definitely have had to do a lot of unlearning and lot of work around my masculinity. There are still things I need to work on. Completely. But I do think I have a better relationship with it than, say, the male peers I have at my school. Especially considering the environment I find myself in being predominantly white, straight, and cis (outside of my art specific courses because art kids are weird lmao). White boys who've never questioned their sexuality are... uh... sometimes a bit like rocks lmao. They don't understand a lot of things that I, still a white male, but a queer male have had to confront.

Also- for the purpose of social science, I grew up in the lower-middle class with straight, cis, Christian parents that were older (in their 40s) when they began having children and I'm the youngest. Meaning, my parents are DEFINITELY in a separate generation from me.

Crying - let's start there since you outright mentioned it in your ask. Crying is incredibly difficult for me, point blank. I totally grew up being told that "boys don't cry" and to "man up" or "buck up" if I was crying. So, that's a reason, but also, I typically have other coping mechanisms than crying when something upsets me? I don’t think it's a toxicly masculine thing so much as it's a me, a human being, thing. Perhaps I don't cry often now because I cried all my tears as a kid lmao, I cried a l l the time as a kid.

*insert that CE quote here, [in response to, "what were you at 10?"], "uhh, crying, probably."*

I have two older siblings and as siblings do, they would often beat up on me, but also just- I had a lot of emotions growing up. And I was ignored a lot. So it made sense for me to cry all the time lol, crying meant getting attention or getting mercy haha. I used to cry so much that I was taunted for being a "cry-baby" and a "cissy". Then the teenage depression hit and I stopped. [This is not a flex and not good for you-! But, to illustrate my point, I don't think I cried once between 6th (11y/o) and 12th grade (18y/o) and those were the darkest times of my life so... that checks out]

Queerness - another prominent thing that relates to my masculinity is my status in the LGBTQIA(+) community. Being in the community usually makes people brush me off as less masculine instantly. Sometimes with the stereotypes of queer men, people won't even believe me because I'm not FEMININE enough for them. Femininty, flamboyance-y, or anything like that doesn't equate to sexuality. My voice being deep doesn't mean I don't like dick, Karen. Anyway lol- I generally use bisexual with a preference for women/feminine people (or I just say queer, depending on the person I'm speaking to) as a quick short-hand when I meet people because it’s much easier than saying, well, you see, I have a very difficult time being romantically or sexually interested in anyone unless/until I know them well enough to consider them a friend. And I tend to make friends with women easier than men therefore, even though I don't feel the difference between falling for women, men, or NB/GNC people, I tend to date more women. But, labels aside, because of my sexuality, I've always had to war with the "inherent femininity" of being attracted to men. It used to bother me a lot, imagining being with a man as opposed to a woman, because I thought it made me instantly become the "woman" of the relationship (y'know when the first question by straight people is always "so who's the woman?") , which unlocks another masculinity feel...

Appearance - if you have been around on this blog from the beginning (totally fine if you haven't) then you know that I share a striking resemblance to pre-serum Steve. I'm not blonde and I don't have blue eyes (I have brown, curly/wavy hair with dark green eyes), but I am short and skin-and-bones. I'm 5'6 and weigh about 110-120ish. So. I'm not super muscular. I'm not a big man, I'm just not. It's not how I'm built, even while in the best health I've ever been. Neither are the other men in my family built super "masculine-ly". But that didn't stop me, as a young dude, from working-out incredibly unhealthily, dangerously really, and developing eating disorders. I'm not built in the "classic" or "correct" masculine way (I also have a birth defect, pectus excavatum, but that's more just- oh, I don't look like other people, not specifically masculinity issue). Now, I try to shrug it off on bad days and on good days, work towards peace with it, this is the only body I'll ever have and it mostly works so... what else could I want? We're not gonna talk about genitalia today lol, that's a different line. Just know that I quickly unlearned that gender does Not equal genitalia because the fuck?? It's just flesh. Who gives a shit.

Fashion - I'm separating appearance in body here and fashion because I think there's a difference, at least for me. I can't change my body, I can change the fabric on it though lol. Fashion wise I definitely gravitate towards black and dark values as opposed to color, also - perhaps because I'm queer and therefore have always been told I should care about my fashion and appearance in a different way to straight men - I like alternative aesthetics. Which, both, also got me called some pretty nasty things (F and Q slurs included) behind and in front of my back. Both by family and peers. I've had people say they "could tell" I'm gay because I wear clothes that, sure, are oversized because I'm smaller, but still fit relatively well. Because I'm not in camo and cargo shorts and caps pulled down to my eyebrows. Whatever. Within alternative fashion I still am attracted to really stereotypically masculine things: leather jackets, t-shirts or button ups, clunky work boots, thick watches, silver rings (I am an artist okay? Of course I have decorative rings (my friend gave me one that looks like a dragon and I adore it)), chain wallets, straight cut jeans (sometimes ripped if I'm extra edgy, but usually not), leather belts (I had a spiked belt at one point but I broke :( and I can't afford to replace it). I just love the look, classic but edgy. Even though I've been given shit for the way I dress, I've never been able to muster up a lot of guilt about it in relation to my manhood. Just more, like, why do people give a fuck? I dress like this because I like it. Why do you have to get pissy about it? You like what you like. I like what I like. I'm not hurting anyone! C'mon!

Face - as a man, I don't get much messaging about how you. must. be. beautiful. or. you're. worthless. However... the funny thing about mental health issues is that they tend to envelop all of you. I've had quite the battle with my own face. Especially having acne. There's about 5, 6, 7 years of my life with only a handful of photos because I hated it so much.

Hobbies - I'm not built with super huge muscles or super lanky, nor do I dress entirely "traditionally masculine" but at least I really like trucks-! That's masculine as all hell! Right? Just kidding. Other than camping/hiking/some outdoorsy stuff I grew up doing that were considered "boyish" activities because you have to get a little dirty and a little smelly for, I really did not follow the path of traditional masculinity in what I enjoy on the weekends either. I've mentioned it here and there but I'm an art major. I'm going to be an art teacher (which also is seen as a "feminine" thing because teaching is interacting with children and *gasp* how dare a man be around kids! Oh no!) I love making art. Drawing. Painting. Sculpting. Pottery. Writing. Poetry. Etc. All of which growing up, I could see as disappointing to my father because he expected me to be like my older brother. Who followed exactly in his footsteps, being a car/truck/mechanical, fixer-upper kind of guy. They even went hunting together for years and years (I tried to hunt with my father once my brother moved out, to fill some sort of role my father wanted for me but... quite frankly, I found it boring. And I learned quickly that I will never be as close to my father as my brother is to him, which is fair). Always outside on the weekends fixing our vehicles or improving the house or whatever tinkering they did. I was never interested and because of it, I was called a "mama's boy" a lot. But. Eh. I like art. I've had my guilt about it and gotten over it by now. I find the ability to know what kind of car is passing and what's wrong with said car by the sound of the car alone to just be a weird flex now haha. Sure, I've plenty of thoughts of, oh, I should be that way... why aren't I? here and there but... it came from other people more than myself really. I have never been wired that way. I like art, not cars and tools lol

Friendships - sexuality and masculinity get wrapped up together here again. Most of my friends are somewhere in the rainbow. Most of them are women, cis and trans. I find a lot of women I'm not friends with give my the cold shoulder until they find out I'm in the LGBTQ+ community. Then they get really really friendly, which gave me guilt for two reasons for a while... 1) Because it always makes me re-remember how unsafe a lot of women feel around men through social training or horrible, lived experiences. 2) Because it made me feel just like the "gay best friend" who's looped into being one of her [aforementioned female friend] "girlfriends". I still feel that first one - the way society treats women like helpless, innocent flowers but men like uncontrollable predators ready to attack constantly makes me so angry - but the second one I've been working on. It doesn't make me less of a man to be accepted in with a group of women. Im just being included. It's a little upsetting to be stereotyped in such a way but, usually it's something that they don't mean harm by, y’know? Also, to be contradictory, it's actually nice sometimes. I'm not expected to only have surface level relationship as a lot of straight, cis men are expected to with their other male friends that way. But yeah... friendships are always in progress, you gotta work at them, and I have to work at my relationship with my relationships lol.

Behavior - the main behavior I have that has gotten me ostracized for feminine behavior/body language is talking with my hands. But, I don't care. I never really have. Like, oooh, oh no, I'm not a man because I have visual excitement and passion in my hands, how scary! Whatever. Other than that... I get told quite often to be more "confident" which equates to people telling me to "man up" and "take the bull by the horns" because an unfortunate amount of white men, I don't want into every room like I both built and own it y’know? Also I was a hell of a lot worse at one point in my life because I didn't have any confidence and I say crumpled in on myself because of aforementioned body issues. Posture is important though people, whoever you are, whatever your gender, take care of your fucking spine lol.

All in all though, masculine in traditional ways or not, I still am a man. I still feel masculine. I can't tell you what makes my brain feel like that and I can't change it. And now in life, I'm the most confident and comfortable in that as I've ever been before.

Thank you for the ask! It makes me wonder, why people are interested in me, but, this was fun to think about <3

[333dolans]

Light Within The Darkness // G.D

Hey loves! This is my first attempt at writing anything for either of the twins so any constructive criticism is welcomed and very much appreciated. I love you!🤍

Summary: After a heated fight with Grayson leads to a cold night alone, an unEXpected and unwelcomed visitor arrives.

Warnings: Mentions of Abuse and Anxiety. ANGSTY with a lil fluff at the end.

“Are you actually taking the piss Y/N?!” Grayson growled, slamming the door to your small, but cozy apartment. You two had been leaving a small cafè in downtown LA when you had ran into an ‘old school friend’, or atleast that’s what you had told Grayson. He didn’t buy it at all of course, he had a talent of always seeing straight through you anytime you lied. He could read you like a book, he had your body language memorised like his favourite tame song and he knew this wasn’t simply an acquaintance from your early teenage years. When he tried to ask simple questions about him, you became very tense and he could see you had began grinding your jaw at the very mention of his existence and the encounter you had just had. you’d began cracking your fingers, a tell tale sign that you were rapidly becoming more and more on edge. He didn’t want to cause an argument from his tendency to always want to know what is going on, his need for control, so he let it slide. Well that was until you crossed paths with mystery man once again. “Two years with no interaction and we see each other twice within a half a hour period? It’s a sign from the universe Y/N, we should get back together haha!” The man joked. You smiled awkwardly, feeling the heat rising within Grayson. You couldn’t tell if it was due to the mans comment, or the fact that you had lied about this man being your most recent ex. It was probably a mixture, you thought to yourself. Grayson turned on his heel and was started off towards the Porsche just a few metres away. You rushed a quick farewell and dashed after your boyfriend.

“Gray can you just let me-” “Y/N. Don’t.” He interrupted. You didn’t dare speak another word until you made it back to your apartment. The car ride was a silent one, something you wasn’t used to in your entire relationship with Grayson. You two were always jamming out to a throwback playlist and singing your hearts out. When you arrived, He made his way across to where you were standing in the living room. “Gray, I’m sorry ok? I didn’t want to make things awkward for you. He’s my ex- boyfriend, it was uncomfortable and I just wanted to diffuse the situation as soon as I possibly could.” You tried to reason. “Don’t you think I was just as uncomfortable probably even more so when I found out he was your ex?! You should of just told me but instead you lied to me.” He argued back. “How could it possibly have been worse for you G? I have so much history with him and things didn’t end well between us. Why are you making this about you? You’re not even considering how I felt, it’s always about you isn’t it?” You whispered the last part, defeatedly. “If it’s ‘always about me’ then maybe I should leave, Wouldn’t want you to be stuck with someone so selfish!” He screamed. You could feel the tears building behind your eyes, he knew as well as everyone else in your life that if there was one thing you couldn’t take, it was someone shouting at you. It always sent your anxiety sky rocketing and left you spiralling. “Leave Gray. Now please.” You whispered, holding back the desperate urge to breakdown in front of him. “With pleasure, Bitch.” He spat before leaving your apartment the same way he entered. Those words, although simple ones, held so much more meaning to you when they fell from his lips, lingering in the air and consuming your mind. The tears instantly began to stream, letting out a choked sob. “If only you knew.” You thought out loud.

You were jolted awake by an increasingly louder banging on your door. You glance over at your clock, 2:39AM. Grayson. He had came to apologise for acting like such a dick. You slipped out of bed and wrapped your blanket around you tightly. The relentless torture your front door was under not once letting up. You peaked through the peep hole, you weren’t a complete idiot, you had to be sure it was Gray. But who else would turn up at your door at this time right? Crack. You felt your heart shatter and swore you could hear the broken pieces hit the hard floor of your hallway. There, stood your ex boyfriend, Riley. You could of sworn you were frozen to that very spot, but your brain took control and carried you off towards the bedroom, rapidly grabbing for your phone and gripping it tightly to your chest. You creeped back towards the door cautiously, not wanting to make too much noise. “Riley you need to leave. Now please.” You spoke politely, which was beyond what he deserved. “Y/N! Open the door please. I need you. I’m a mess without you. Seeing you today reminded me off that!” He pleaded. “You’ve survived 2 years, keep going. I have a boyfriend Riley. Please leave.” You responded, heart non stop pounding against your chest, taking your breath away with every thump. “Y/N! YOU STUPID BITCH! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!” He growled through the door, repeatedly kicking at it now. “JUST LEAVE RILEY!!!!” You retreated into your bedroom, then into the bathroom and locked both doors. You violently sobbed into the blanket that had been wrapped around your body as you reached for your phone.

To Babe💘: Gray, please.

Read at 2:45am

3 missed calls from Babe💘

To Babe💘: Hello?

Read at 2:52am

You sobbed even more, realising that he was ignoring you at a time when you needed him the most. You don’t remember when, but you must have eventually passed out on the cold bathroom tiles. You didn’t have the energy to get up, so you sat up against the side of your bath. You reached for your phone, only to see not one single sign of contact from Grayson. You felt the all too familiar feeling rising in your chest and taking control of your breathing. Another panic attack. You hadn’t had one in months due to the calmness Grayson provided, he was your light within the darkness, but he wasn’t here to save you this time. You texted him once more before you fully broke down.

To Babe💘: Grayson please, I need you. Now.

You knew this would work. His full name over text was only ever used in an emergency. You shut your phone off to try and focus on your breathing rather than how shitty your boyfriend was being right now. You had completely forgotten about the text and 30 minutes later you heard the front door swing open. “Y/N!? Where are you?!” Seconds later he enters the bathroom and finds your small form, tear stained cheeks and violently shaking from your cold night alone. “No no no, baby I’m so so sorry. Y/N look at me yeah? Focus on my voice. Deep breaths for me.”

He tried to scoop you into his arms but you cowered away. In that moment he swore he could feel his heart shatter. He had become the man he’d promised you he’d never be. Grayson knew you had and still struggle with your mental health, although he didn’t know much about the causes of it all. He let his anger get the best of him once again and he hurt you in the process. “Angel, I cant express how sorry I am. I didn’t mean to snap at you and I certainly didn’t mean what I called you.”

There it was again. His words began to replay in your head for the 100th time. “With pleasure, Bitch.” “STOP! Please make it stop Gray. I don’t wanna be back there anymore, I can’t be back there.” You begged him, clinging to his shirt now. He cautiously began to rub his hands along your back, palms sore from the strength he used to grip the steering wheel on the way over to your apartment. “Back where love? Talk to me please, I want to help you.” The feeling of Grays hand on your body, knowing he was close to you, knowing you were safe now, your breathing slowly began to regulate. You finally lifted your head and looked up to meet his eyes. Teary and bloodshot, a mirror image of yourself. You could see, scrap that, you could feel that he was sharing your pain. He didn’t know why you was feeling it, but he could feel it all nonetheless. You took in a shakey breath as you began.

“Riley seriously, they’re a pair of shoes? I bought them as a treat for myself for getting promoted.” You tried to explain to him, annoyance growing every passing minute. You were always smart with your money, never splurging out on fancy items. You’d never really felt like you’d needed them. However, earlier this month you’d been called into your bosses office and offered a better paying position at your work, which you gladly accepted. You’d decided that you would finally buy the shoes you’d been eyeing up for months now but had never talked yourself into buying. They were $300 but you decided you deserved them, your boyfriend clearly didn’t feel the same way. “I don’t care Y/N, you cant just start spending our money so carelessly, especially not this close to when rent is due and for something so minor as a promotion.” He countered, words laced with resentment. You couldn’t help but let out a snort. “Our money? It wasn’t ‘our money’ when you went out and bought that watch.” You pointed to the, in all honesty, hideous watch that was strapped around his wrist with pride. “I spent my hard earned money on those shoes because I deserved them, I worked for them.” You spoke, calmly and with confidence. “I seriously don’t understand your problem, please explain? Like I know it may be hard for your fragile masculinity to accept that not only a woman but your own girlfriend earns more than you, but that doesn’t give your misogyny a free pass to belittle my achievements”. You knew the second you said that, you would come to regret it. “You want me to explain? With pleasure, Bitch.”

The tears were once again streaming down your face once you finally stopped to breath again. “It was abusive and toxic, I knew I had to leave him, I had to get out of there so I did. I never looked back after I left but I guess life has a way of not letting you forget your past, no matter how hard you try to.” You sighed, so tired from the nights previous events. You’d explained to Grayson about what had happened with Riley turning up at your door, you’re grateful he’d left before Gray got there otherwise you may of been spending your night bailing his ass out of prison right now instead of in his arms. You’d explained about your past with him and why things had ended. You knew Gray had many more questions but it was clear you were not ready to answer them right now and you were extremely thankful he left the topic alone. You quite frankly didn’t want to entertain your memories of Riley anymore and Grayson knew that. He planted a kiss on your forehead before scooping you up, “wanna watch a film and cuddle? You can choose the movie.” He wiggles his eyebrows and gave you his signature smirk. “Yes please, only if you bring me the ice cream though!” You giggled, letting the last 3 hours fade to the back of your mind.

You were out like a light after 30 minutes, head in Grayson’s lap as he carelessly traced shapes along your arms, watching your chest rise and fall and lips slightly parted. “I will never let this happen to you again, you have my word. I love you more than I love myself angel.” He spoke gently, watching in awe as your lips curled to form a faint smile. “Mine” he thought to himself, “All mine.”

[toonbly]

Oh please do give us the essay I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.. your Freemind content is like kisses directly to my brain 's all so good.

OKAY SO LIKE. quick tw for discussions about internalized transphobia and internalized homophobia

QUICK CLARIFICATIONS: I’m a queer transmasc nonbinary and some of this is projection. A LOT of this is cherry-picking from and overanalyzing little bits of FM canon.

im gonna put this under a readmore to save yalls dashboards

HERES WHY FREEMINDS NARRATIVE IS 10X MORE INTERESTING IF HE’S QUEER:

So some things to cover: We’re cherry picking from canon and MOST of this is based off of fanon interpretations of freemind’s character. i should also clarify that I myself am asexual and nonbinary transmasc (though i only use they/them pronouns), im not entirely sure of my romantic orientation but yknow, obviously im not cishet lol. Some of it’s self projection, some of it is character study, either way I think it’s important to clarify that some of this is my OWN experience and that what im outlining here obviously isn’t the universal queer experience.

SO COVERING CANON. like okay, most of us tend to go down the route of “Freemind is gay/bi/otherwise queer in terms of attraction and he’s just in denial of it” in our freemanverse content and like, if you pick apart the source material there’s canon backing for this! (ie: Freemind saying he can’t wear earrings cause sailors do that and sailors are “kinda gay”, then later going on and on about how he wants to be a pirate and how he should’ve done that instead of being a scientist.) LIKE OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THIS WAS JUST ROSS MAKING A HOMOPHOBIC JOKE AND PROBABLY DIDN’T THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS AT ALL. obviously that is the case, but as most freemanverse content does we are casually Throwing That Out The Window and cherry-picking from canon because Freeman’s Mind is full of gross content and we are simply here to take whatever we want to and RUN AWAY AS FAR AWAY AS WE CAN WITH IT. What I’m saying is basically, yeah, there’s some canon backing for Freemind possibly being gay/bi/whatever and just in denial of it due to internalized homophobia and some toxic masculinity issues. In terms of toxic masculinity he constantly brags about how cool and tough he is, makes himself out to be an invincible genius, etc. He very much frames himself as the “Tough man who feels no emotions because ReAl MeN dOn’T cRy.”

That’s basically all we need from canon. Accidental subtext on Ross’s part implying internalized homophobia and Freemind’s constant attempts to frame himself as what a “real man” would typically be considered as resulting of toxic masculinity.

Now moving onto fanon: Many fanon narratives take Freemind’s character and try to give him a redemption or healing arc. Basically the guy learns that he’s allowed to show emotions and that this doesn’t make him pathetic or lesser than anyone else, and usually he does so with the help of those around him (typically the other Freemen, sometimes Eddie, hell sometimes h/lvrai characters like Tommy!) So here we have the narrative of “A man struggling with toxic masculinity and self worth issues learns to better himself, he lets others in and starts to be true to who he actually is strengthening both himself and the connections with the people he loves.” This is an arc I love and have incorporated into a LOT of my works involving Freemind! Hell I think it’s difficult not to take his character into that direction.

But, okay, what does this have to do with Freemind being queer? Obviously I’ve mentioned the internalized homophobia subtext and all that but up until now it seems like I’ve only really mentioned the more emotion-based aspects of Freemind’s arc. Well this is where we get into my own personal interpretation of Freemind’s story.

My version of Freemind is a gay trans man, he realized he was trans sometime in his teens but only came out and transitioned sometime during college. In my version of the story, I think Freemind grew up around a kind of rough crowd. He’d hang out with those sort of boys at school that were just the EMBODIMENT of toxic masculinity, and I think he kind of internalized a lot of what they told him? They told him things like “Boys don’t cry” and “Boys are tough” and “Boys can’t like girly things” and “Boys can’t like other boys, that’s weird.” etc etc etc. He hung out with a rough crowd and didn’t have the best support system at home, and a lot of this resulted in his more egotistical larger than life personality- He acted out a lot both because his peers told him to and because hey, at least it got him some form of attention. He was a smart kid, sure, but that was never really enough to impress anyone around him. He kinda developed this “I’m better than ALL OF YOU” attitude as a defense mechanism, and as he started coming into himself and actually accepting that he was trans he took those things that his peers told him “””real men””” do and don’t do and cranked it up tenfold, just to further prove that he was better than all of them and than he was even more of a “””real man””” than any of them could tell him. He took these toxic view points and internalized them, making them a key point of his personality just so he could prove himself and put himself above others. I don’t think he struggled too badly with internalized transphobia, at least in the “I can’t be trans cause that’d be bad” sense. I think he struggled with it more in the “I have to do all of this or I’m just lying to myself and doing this for attention” sense. Granted, he never held anyone else to this same standard, he’ll never admit it but to him things are always different when it’s him. Sure Freeman and Feetman can have their little boyfriends and do gender nonconforming things, but that’s different, they don’t have to prove themselves for anything, they’re not held on the same pedestal as he is, they’re not Gordon Freemind. It’s different whenever it’s him.

BUT, as he begins to grow and learn and not hold himself to such a high standard, Freemind begins to learn that all of these things aren’t true. He learns that showing emotion, being gender nonconforming, being attracted to men, etc. doesn’t make him any lesser than the others around him and there’s no “different standard” for him JUST BECAUSE it’s him. Hell there’s no different standard for him at all, there never has been, and the people who told him otherwise were just toxic assholes who he shouldn’t have to please in order to exist as himself. As he is, he’s good enough, he’s always been good enough, and allowing himself to be vulnerable and accepting who he is doesn’t make him lesser than those around him.

What I’m saying is this: Freemind’s narrative outlines the journey of a man learning vulnerability and learning to accept himself and allow others into his life. His character arc cannot be complete until he does these things, and in certain stories Freemind’s inability to be vulnerable and accept who he is might become a detriment to his goals and the goals of others around him. If he doesn’t learn to accept himself and open up to others he will fail to achieve his goals. Ultimately it is Freemind allowing himself to open up, accept himself, and be vulnerable that saves the day. Alone, this is already narratively interesting, but if you also mix in the ideas of him being queer in any fashion and learning to accept that and that there’s no “right way” to be himself, it adds a LOT of layers to the narrative. It becomes less a story about some dudebro learning that he’s allowed to feel emotion and more a story about a queer man learning to accept who he is, being proud of who he is, and how allowing himself to be vulnerable contributes to this acceptance. It becomes a narrative about how being open with yourself and others can lead to you discovering who you really are and accepting and loving yourself for it. Freemind’s identity as a queer man becomes DIRECTLY TIED into his character arc of learning vulnerability and allowing himself to make connections and I feel like that’s really important! Sure, not every narrative needs to be about a queer struggle and frankly I don’t like tackling it constantly myself, but Freemind’s story in particular becomes much more interesting under a queer lens especially considering how you could very easily tie the discovery and acceptance of his identity into his general character arc. It’s a story about a queer man learning to love himself and becoming a happier, better person for it.

TL;DR: As a queer transmasc nonbinary myself, I find the idea of Freemind’s narrative being queer incredibly interesting. It’s easy to tie in Freemind’s identity to his character arc of becoming more vulnerable and open about both who he truly is as a person and in an emotional sense, and I think it’s really interesting to make a character’s identity relevant to their arc somehow. Granted, this doesn’t always need to be made the case because queer struggle narratives can get tiring on some queer audiences, but in this specific case I think it’d be an interesting character study. 

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me -Chapter 89

Warnings: none

Tagging:  @innerpaperexpertcloud, @tragiclyhip, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007​

“Can you feel this?”  Esme asks, as she lightly drags her fingernails down Tyler’s face. Starting just below the stitches under his eye and then stopping at the corner of his mouth

In the past forty eight hours -and following a lengthy and heated debate pitting her and Julie against the head of anesthesiology-, they’ve significantly lowered the amount of sedation being pushed through the central line.  Upping the pain meds, but slowly easing the heavier drug out of his system. In twenty four they’ll cut the sedation all together; stopping it in the middle of the night while he’s asleep and then allowing both his body and brain to walk naturally.  It will be hit or miss; he’ll either react calmly to full consciousness or wake to overwhelming panic and fear over his surroundings and the state of his body. And while he’s nowhere in the clear when it comes to even a partial  recovery, it’s a remarkable beginning; his strength and overall health and physical condition allowing an earlier than expected start to the long and arduous healing process.

“I can feel it.”

His wakeful moments are coming more often now, yet still relatively short in duration. The pain medication and those to keep nausea at bay make him groggy and often disoriented; the quick return to exhaustion his weakened body’s response to fighting the injuries and the pain caused by them.

“A hundred percent or…?”

“A hundred percent.”

She gives a pleased smile then presses a kiss to his temple. “Good! The plastic surgeon was a bit worried; it’s deep enough that it could have messed up some of the nerves. But if you can feel it…”

“I can feel it,” he assures her. “I wouldn't lie.”

“What about this?” She scrapes her nails across the top of his eyebrow, followed by higher up onto his forehead. “And this?”

“The first one, not so good. Second one is okay.”

“Not so good as in you can’t feel it all or…?”

“It feels weird. I don’t know; kinda fuzzy. It didn’t scratch but it didn’t tickle either. Just feels...fuzzy.”

“Might take a little longer than the other spots. I’m sure it’s nothing. You want something to eat? Are you hungry?”

He glances over at the tray on the bedside table. Disgust registering on his face  at the sight of the cup of extremely weak tea, a styrofoam bowl of soup, and a container of red gelatin.  “Not for that. That’s not food.”

“It’s the only food you’re allowed right now. Nothing solid. I don’t make the rules, honey. I just follow them and enforce them. You should eat a little bit; get your tummy used to food again.”

He grins. “My tummy?”

“Listen, I’m used to talking to little kids about this sort of thing. I can’t turn the mommy side of me off.”

“You’re a good mommy. A really good mommy.”

“I try.  You really should eat. Just a little bit. The soup doesn’t look too bad. You want to try that?”

“It looks and smells like shit. Probably tastes like it too.”

She moves to the bedside table and pops the lid of the soup; using a plastic spoon to stir and poke at the mushy, pale green concoction before placing some in her mouth.   “It’s surprisingly not bad. There’s actual taste to it.   I think it’s a mixture of cream of broccoli and cauliflower.”

“I don’t know if I can take your word for it. About whether it’s good or not. I’ve been living with your cooking for almost seven years.”

“And you’re alive, aren’t you? You’re a big boy; you’re not wasting away. So it can’t be THAT bad. Hang on for a second; don't move. Don’t even make a different face. “ She fishes her phone from the pocket of her hoodie; flipping open the front cover of the case and then quickly snapping a picture of him. “Thank you, husband. Now I have proof.”

“Of what? The huge fucking mess I am? How I need my wife to babysit me?”

“Don’t be like that.  I am not babysitting you, I’m taking care of you. And in case you haven’t noticed, you need a bit of help right now.”

“A bit? I’ve got a tube in my dick so I can take a piss, and I’m eating baby food. Which I can’t even feed to myself. What’s next? You’re going to have to wipe my ass for me?”

“If I have to, I will. In a heartbeat. And you know why? Because I love you, you insufferable bastard. And you would do it for me; if the situation was reversed. You would, right? Take care of me like that?”

“OF course I would. You’re my girl. My  wife.”

“And you’re my husband. It’s what people who love each other do. Take care of one another.”

“But I’m the man. The man is supposed to…”

“Shhh…” she lays a palm over his mouth. “...none of that toxic masculinity shit. Here, have some soup.”  She removes her hand from his face and holds the spoon to his lips; the other hand cupped under his chin to catch any spills.

“That’s not soup. That’s baby food.”

“Which kept your first four children alive and helped them grow, right?”

“But I’m not a kid.”

“No. You’re not. But this is all you get right now and you need to at least eat a little bit. A few spoonfuls. It would make ME feel better; if you ate something. Happy wife, happy life. Eat the fucking soup.”

“I don’t remember you using the F word when you were feeding our babies that kind of shit.”

“I was thinking the F word. A lot. Especially when TJ used to blow raspberries when he had strained peas or green beans in his mouth. Don’t make me shove this food down your throat, Tyler James.”

“I’d like to see you try.”

“I could always get one of the personal support workers do it.”

He frowns. “No.”  It’s one of the things he hates the most; the thought of a complete stranger helping him with basic needs.

“Eat the goddamn soup. Please.”

He sighs heavily, reluctantly opening his mouth and then quickly shutting it again.

“Tyler…”

“Esme…”

“What is your issue with the soup?”

“Why can’t I do this for myself again?”  The confusion and the forgetfulness are courtesy of the amount of medication -sedation wise- that had been pumped into his system and still continues -albeit minimally- to be administered. Once he’s fully weaned off, those issues SHOULD disappear within a couple of days.

“Because you’re not supposed to use your right arm at all and your hands shake too much. From withdrawal.”

He accepts the explanation, and the first spoonful of food. “Why can’t I use my arm?”

“You have a torn rotator cuff and a shredded labrum and a lot of scar tissue pressing on some nerves. That’s why you’re getting those pins and needles in your hand,” she explains, and gives him another helping of soup.

“Why didn’t they just fix it?”

“I didn’t want them putting you through too much once.”   Her tone never changes, nor do her eyes or the expression on her face. Always patient. Gentle. Loving.   “It’ll get fixed when you get home. When we get you into the hospital there.”

“When’s that?”

“I don’t know yet. Couple weeks, probably. Maybe sooner if you  keep doing as well as you are.  And if you keep eating your soup. Not too bad, right?”

“Tastes like shit.”

Sorry, I don’t have access to vegemite. This the one and only time I’d actually suck it up make you a vegemite sandwich AND feed it to you. And by the way, the picture I took? It’s my evidence.”

“Of what?”

“That you pout.”

“I don’t pout. That wasn’t a pout. That was  a frown.”

“It was a pout. You want more? Or do you want to try the jello?”

“I’ll try it. It’s not baby food, at least.”

“Probably not real jello, either.  And don’t be grumpy. I don't care how adorable it is when you are.”

“What did I tell you about the A word?”

“You’re adorable and you’ll never convince me otherwise.”  She places the half eaten bowl of ��soup to the tray, licking the spoon clean as she returns with the gelatin.

“Don’t do that,” he teases. “I don’t want your cooties.”

“I think we’ve shared way more than cooties in the past seven years. You seem to forget I’ve had your dick in my mouth. On multiple occasions.”

“Oh trust me, I could never forget THAT. What flavour is it? What does it taste like?”

“Depends what you eat during the day.  Sometimes it’s salty, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes there’s no flavour.”

“ Not THAT. The jello.”

“I think it’s supposed to be cherry.”

“Supposed to be?”

“Shut up and try it.”

“You’re bossy. Like your daughter.”

“You like it.”

“Depends on the circumstance.  You’re beautiful, by the way.”

“I look like shit. But thank you,” she pecks his lips.

“Never. You never look like shit.”

“All the ass kissing in the world won’t save you from trying the jello,” she chides.

Neither of them speak for several minutes, and when the cup of gelatin is finished, she playfully -and affectionately- ruffles his hair and places a kiss on his forehead.

“You’re a good patient. My all time favourite. Even when you’re grumpy.”

“I don’t mean to be grumpy. Not with you.”

“I know. You have any pain?”

“A little.”

“Back?”

Tyler nods.

“It’s the pressure on the wound. Lean forward a little bit.”  She places a forearm against his chest for support, then moves one of the pillows further down the bed; wedging it between him and the mattress and then helping him lay back. “Better?”

“A little. You’re good at this. This nurse stuff.”

“You and the kids are the only ones I’d be able to do this with. Strangers? No thanks. Feel a little better?”  She uses two fingertips to gently clear any leftover food from his lips. “Tummy okay?”

“Feels okay,” he confirms, then scowls. “Why can’t I feel my legs?”

“Nerve blocks,” she gently reminds him. “To help with the pain. You had three pretty serious surgeries done all at once. It was the best option. I didn’t want you to be in agony and I didn’t want you to be able to move and maybe hurt yourself.”

“You told them to do it?”

“I had two options. Nerve blocks, and a tube they’d put right into your spine that they could put medication through. I chose the nerve blocks.”

“Like an epidural? The other option?”

“Kind of . And seeing as you almost fainted when they gave it to me while I was in labour with Millie, I decided to spare you.”

“Good call, baby.”

“Don’t worry, I got you. Always. You feeling alright?”

“A little tired.”

“This is the longest you’ve been up. And the chattiest. I’m shocked.”

“Maybe I just like your company.”

“Well I like yours, so…” she softly kisses him.

“Will I be able to feel them again? My legs?”

“They’re going to stop with the blocks while you’re sleeping tonight.  It’ll take a couple days; to get the feeling back.”

“Are you sure? That it’ll come back?”

“I’m sure, baby.  This is only temporary. Just give it a couple days, okay? You trust me, right?”

“With my life.  And I think it says a lot that I just let you feed me baby food. And what’s up with this stupid fucking thing?”  He nods down at the metal ‘cage’ around his thigh.  

“It’s helping the femur heal. It was a bad break. A VERY bad break.  It was the best option to fix it.” She’s explained it all -the surgeries, the loss of feeling in his legs, the apparatus on the right one- at least a dozen times in the past twenty four hours. But she’s always the same; calm and gentle. But she hates how it makes her feel. Not having to answer the same questions over and over again, but at how confused he gets and in turn, how frustrated he becomes.  And how he sometimes looks and sounds so sad and scared. Like a lost, hurting little boy.

“How long do I have to have it on for?”

“A while.”

“How long’s a while?”

“Three or four months.”

“What the fuck? Are you serious? Why so long?”

“Because your leg needs to heal. Properly. This was the best way to do it. I would have picked another way...an easier way…if they’d given me another option.”

“I’m not mad at you. Please don’t think I’m mad at you. I’m not.”

“I know you’re not.”

“I’m a fucking asshole.”

“No. You’re not. You’re scared and you’re confused. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up, Tyler. This is a fucked up situation.”

“I'm not scared. I’m pissed. At this whole mess. At everything that happened. And the fact that sometimes, I don’t even remember what DID happen. And I’m pissed at...at…” he frowns, unable to come up with the name.

“Nathan.”

“Yeah, him. I’m pissed at him. I swear; I am going to fucking hunt him down and kill him when I get out of here.”

“He’s already dead,” Esme gently reminds him, then puts down the railing on the left side of the bed and takes a seat beside him.  “You don’t have to worry about him; he was taken care of.”

“You sure?”

“One hundred percent sure. Calm down, okay? Don’t get worked up. Especially over him. Why don’t you close your eyes and try and rest? You’ve been up for a long time.”

“I don’t want to rest. I’m tired of resting. It’ll rest when I fucking want to.”

“Don’t you get pissy with me, young man. Or I’ll never give you a sponge bath.”

“I can’t exactly enjoy your version of sponge baths with a tube in my dick. And I’m sorry. For getting pissy. I love you.”

“I know you do. And I love you. Even when you are pissy and grumpy.   You’ll be getting rid of this soon too,” she lays a finger against the port of the central line.  “They’re going to switch you over to a regular IV tonight. So you have to promise me that you won’t rip it out. You have a real uncanny ability of tearing your IVs out.”

“I can’t make that promise.”

“Don’t make me get them to put no-no’s on your arms. Remember when TJ split his head open?”

“The time he fell off the back deck in Telluride?  Or right after we moved back to Australia and he announced he was Superman and he could fly and he launched himself over the second floor banister?”

“The Superman incident.”

“Yeah, I definitely remember that. I was home alone with him. All of them. And he did that stupid shit.”

“They had put the no-no’s on him so he wouldn’t pick at the stitches. He was so pissed! He is a TRUE junior. Not just in name, either. He is so much like you, baby. A mini you.”

“I miss him. I miss all of them.”

“I know you do. And you’ll see them soon. When you get sent to the hospital back home.”

“That’s not soon enough.”

“No. It’s not. But I knew you wouldn’t want them here or staying in Mumbai. That’s why I sent them home.  It wasn’t to hurt you. Or punish you. You know that, right?”

“I know it wasn’t.  I know it’s what was best for them. I just miss them. And I guess I don’t really want them seeing me this bad.”

“You actually look really good considering. And you’ll get the stitches out in three days. Are they getting itchy?”

He nods.

“You’re going to be so sexy; with your new scars.”

“You have a very weird definition of sexy.”

“You’re my definition of sexy. I don’t care how many scars you have. Would it bother you? If it was me all beat up?”

“Nope. ‘Cause you’d still be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”

“And that’s how I feel about you. To me you’re the most beautiful man in the world.”

“Did you just really drop the B word?”

“You’re beautiful and I don’t care what you say. Fight me.”

“You’d be able to kick my ass right now. Can I get rain check?”

She sighs dramatically. “I suppose.”

“Do they know? The kids? Do they know what happened?”

“They know the basics. I didn’t give them too many details. They know daddy got hurt and that he needs to stay here until the doctors say it’s okay to send him to a hospital closer to home. Maybe when you’re fully off the sedation and you’re up to it, you can video chat with them. They would love that. And I know you would too.”

“I can do that. Are they okay? With what you told them?”

“They’re sad. A little scared. But they’ve got a lot of people around them that will reassure them that you’re going to be okay. And they’re back at school and doing pretty good. They have a lot of crafts to show you. And the principal said there’s a special school. A private one; for kids like Tanner.  Gifted kids. Because he’s so smart and he’s not being challenged where he is and he deserves better than that. And we can more than afford it.”

“Do whatever you think is best for him. You know what that is. I trust you to make the right decision.”

“Both of their classes made you huge get well cards; they’ll show when you video chat with them. And they have so much to tell you.”

“I bet they do. And I can’t wait to see all of it. I miss it; that kind of stuff. I miss life in general. OUR life.”

“We’ll get back to it soon. We’ve got a lot of years ahead of us. Together.”

“Yeah…” Tyler smiles. “...we do.”

She leans down to kiss him. “Your daughter is super pissed. At me. For lying to her at first. She won’t talk to me.”

“She’ll get over it. You’re her mom. She loves you. You did what you thought was the best for her. And it was. It WAS the best thing for her.”

Esme nods in agreement, then closes her eyes and rests her head back against his chest. It’s incredible. That solid, strong body and the warmth that radiates off it, being able to both feel and hear his heart beating; the weight of his head as he rests his cheek against her hair. How even with those stitches in his left shoulder, he still manages to sneak his arm around her; hand resting on her baby bump.

“It’s getting big, huh?”

“It’s cute. Just makes you more beautiful. I can’t wait to see it; watching you get bigger with the baby. MY baby.”

“You sappy bastard you,” she teases, and tilts her head up towards him and presses a kiss to his chin. And for several minutes, neither of them speak; his hand moving in slow, smooth circles over her bump,  her body relaxing against his, feeling as if she could drift off into a peaceful, well deserved nap. But it’s short lived; eyes snapping open when she feels his body tense and then begins to tremble. It’s heartbreaking; the mental anguish so clearly etched on his face, the tears that stream down his cheeks.

“Baby…” she turns to face him, laying a hand on the side of his face. “...what’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

“I know; life’s pretty shitty at this moment.”

“You’re the only thing that’s right in it. You and the baby.”

“Don’t leave out how great you’re doing.  Because this is a huge right. Believe me, it is. You came so fucking close, Tyler. But you’re here and you’re doing amazing and things will only get better. And you have proved so many people wrong. That has to feel good, right?”

“It does actually.”

“I’m sorry. That you’re going through this. I’d take it all away if I could.”

“I know you would. I’m just glad you’re here. Not just here, here.  But HERE. Alive. Because what he said…”

“No,” she gently orders. “We are not going to talk about that. Don’t do this to yourself.  It doesn’t matter what he said. I’m here. The kids are fine. Fuck what he said. Please don’t think about that. Don’t think about him at all.”

“Hard not to. He’s the reason I’m in this fucking mess.”

“And he paid for it. Trust me, he did. So don’t give him another thought. Think about other things. Think about us. The kids. How good it’s going to be to get home. Even if it’s just to a hospital there. The one in Cairns is really nice. The ward you’ll be on? All the rooms overlook the beach. That’s perfect for you.  And you’ll be able to see the kids all the time once you’re there. That’ll do you a world of good.”

He nods in agreement.

“You’re tired. You need some rest. You’ve been up  a hell of a long time. I’m so proud of you. You have no idea HOW proud.”

He manages a small smile.

“You need sleep. You’ve used a lot of energy today already.”

“Doing what? Sitting on my ass?”

“It takes a lot of energy to heal. And you’ve been sleeping well; no pain for once. No bad dreams.”

“I had a good dream though. Good in a sad way.”

“About what?”

“My mum.”

“When you were a kid?”

“No. She was with OUR kids. At our house. She was on the beach with them; walking in the surf. And she looked back at me and she smiled and she was so beautiful…” his voice cracks with emotion. “...like that picture I showed you; the one when I was five. She looked just like that. And she was happy. She was SO happy. No bruises, no cuts, no old man in sight.”

“Baby…” she carefully kneels on the bed, then pushes her hands through his hair and kisses his brow. “...it’s okay.”

“I’d give anything for that dream to be real. Anything.”

“So would I, believe me.”

“After this first happened, I had a dream about her then, too. She told me not to be afraid. And I don’t know if that meant not to be afraid because I was going to be okay, or don’t be afraid to die.”

“I’m pretty sure it was the first one.”

“I didn’t want to die. But I was expecting to.”

Her heart shatters at his confession, and it takes all her willpower and strength to not cry herself. Instead, she places a hand on the back of his head and draws it down to her shoulder. Both of his arms -despite their injures and the pain and discomfort accompanying them- wrapping around her waist. His entire body shaking as he sheds enough tears for both of them.

*****

Koen and Rata take up residence in Tyler’s room while he sleeps. He can’t be left alone; panic immediately taking hold of him if he awakens and no one -especially her- is there with him. It’s the confusion and the ‘fog’ caused by the weaning of the sedation and the increase of pain meds; his brain not allowing him to remember where he is, why he’s there, or that she is even alive. Torturing him with the last thing ever said to him inside the storage facility; the promise that Asif’s people would get to her and the children, torture them, then kill them.

She goes to lunch with Sanjib and two others from the ICU ‘family’, a young woman whose brand new husband had been in a horrific car accident, and an elderly man whose only surviving relative -a great grandson in his twenties- had overdosed on a near lethal combination of street drugs.  And it makes her blood run cold when the latter situation leads to talk of Amir Asif and his long standing -despite his death- reputation as the biggest and most evil drug lord in Bangladesh history. She offers no comment or opinion; not revealing her own seven year long tie to the man in question or her connection to the infamous ‘shoot out’ on the Sultana Kamal Bridge or the now well known incident three days before. She acts oblivious to it all; pretending to both listen intently and concentrate on her food. The conversation makes her feel nauseous and anxious; internally screaming about the false information and pure speculation   being spread around the table. Desperately wanting to set the record straight yet knowing it isn’t her battle to fight anymore; the last of Asif’s men dead, their demise hopefully ending his posthumous reign of terror.  It’s hard not to share her personal -and very accurate- account of what happened seven years ago; the memories and the images still so vivid and fresh. She is still able to to remember certain moments right down to the very second; recall conversations word for word.  But it would be for nothing; stirring up a hornet’s nest that’s better left to wither and rot. That chances are good that she won’t be believed; her lunch companions would laugh it off and accuse her of lying and she’d be left with the anxiety or reliving the nightmare in the first place . And she’s thankful when the conversation changes  to other matters; world news and celebrity gossip.

“I almost forgot what it feels like,” Sanjib says, as they slowly make their way back to the hospital; a two block journey from the small dinner they’d converged on. “The sun on my face. The breeze in my air.”

“I almost forgot what it was like to wear real clothes,” Esme quips.  “ARE leggings considered real clothes? Real pants? Because none of my shorts or my jeans fit. I can’t even get them over my stomach, let alone closed and done up. I am not amused.”

“Real clothes are whatever you feel most comfortable in. My wife always says that; when someone complains about her choice of casual attire. How far along are you?”

“I don’t even know. We were in Mumbai when we found out about this little bean. It’s what we call them; when I’m pregnant. Little bean. Or beans, for the twins.”

“That’s very cute.”

“My husband started it; after the very first ultrasound with our daughter. He said she looked like a little bean and it stuck.  I can’t be anymore than thirteen weeks; it’s mathematically and biologically impossible. That’s the first time we...you know...after our last baby was born. And she was three weeks then , so…”

“It was a surprise? This baby?”

“Very much a surprise. In more ways than one. None of our kids were really planned, though. Declan in a way, I guess. That’s number four. We had a miscarriage between him and his older brothers; that’s why there’s three and a bit years between them. It did a lot of damage to both of us; mentally speaking. It took us a while to be ready to try again. But it happened quickly when we decided to go for it.”

“Do you have a preference? Boy or girl?”

“If I’m totally honest, I do. I want a boy. Our daughter Millie is six, and none of my boys have been as difficult as her. I love her to death; she’s my first and she’s beautiful and incredible. But holy crap! The drama! And the attitude! She’s just...I don’t know...she’s just extra. Do they use that word here? Extra?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well let me tell you , she is very extra! The pre-teen and years are going to be brutal. My husband wants a boy, too. Although it doesn’t really matter that much to him; he’s very ‘as long as momma and baby are healthy’. That’s all he really cares about. He worries about me. All the time. Even now. No matter what he’s going through...how brutal it is...he always puts me first. He’s pretty incredible that way. Actually, he’s pretty incredible in a lot of ways.”

“He sounds like a good man.”

“He is. He really is. He’s big and he’s tough and he can be pretty intimidating IF he wants to be, but he’s got a huge heart. When he loves, he loves huge. You should come into the room sometime and meet him; when he’s up to it. I think you’d really like him. He’s a little tough on the outside, but I promise he’s pretty tame.  Unless you’re threatening his family. THAT doesn’t go over well. He’s not afraid to defend and fight for what’s his. Or stand up for what’s right.”

“I’d like to meet him. He sounds…interesting.”

“He is. In his own way.  People are always surprised when they get to know him. They look at him and assume things about him.  Some ARE true, mind you. When you do meet him, you’ll see what I mean. He’s a study in contradiction. I learned that real quick. And I think it’s what made me fall in love with him in the first place.”

“And you met working?”

“We did. We were assigned to the same job. Just the two of us. Things took off from there. It’s kind of strange and a little complicated; the hows and the whys.”

“Try me. I’d like to hear it.”

“You sure? It’s a dandy. I don’t tell many people.”

“How bad could it be?”

“It’s not that it’s bad. It’s just...surprising.”

“I’d like to hear it.”

“Alright. Keep in mind, this is something I don’t just don’t tell everyone. You’ll understand why when I DO tell you. No one ever expects it.”   Sighing, she takes a sip from the plastic cup of iced coffee in her possession. “Tyler...my husband...is a  mercenary.”

Sanjib stares down at her, both eyebrows arched.

“Right?” Esme laughs. “I said it was surprising. That’s not what you thought I was going to say, was it.”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Well he is. A mercenary.  And we met on the job. Here in Dhaka. Well, we technically met in Australia, but everything between us started here.”

“You’re one as well?”

“No.  I’m not. I never have been. My job was to help guys like him information they needed; about people they’re after. And this job we were on was a little different than most. We actually had to pretend we were married. That’s how it all started. How WE started. We met and things happened while we were working together and well…seven years and five kids….” she lays a hand on her bump. “...SIX kids later, here we are. My fake husband became my real husband.”

“Now I’m even more curious. What kind of job?”

“I had to help him find where a fourteen year old boy was being held. Amir Asif took him.”

“You’re talking about Ovi Mahajan's son?”

She nods.

“I was just a boy when that happened. Only sixteen. Forgive me, but how old ARE you?”

“Old enough to have almost six kids and an almost forty two year old husband. But if you thought I was younger, thank you. My ego needed that.”

“So you did know. About what we were talking about at lunch.”

“Yeah, I did.  And I wanted to say something and clear some things up, but it wouldn’t have done any good. It just would have stirred up a lot of bad things for me. A lot of bad memories. Things I can’t seem to let go of. And it wasn’t entirely wrong; what you guys were talking about. We DID cause a big old mess on the Sultana Kamal Bridge. That was all us.”

“You were there. On the bridge?”

“I was. I pretty much heard and saw everything that went down. It’s pretty accurate; the way it was described at lunch.  But the man who got the boy out…who was responsible for it...he is very much alive. And I’m very much married to him.  He got off the bridge. Barely. But he did.”

“I’m sorry. The stories have all been the same. That he died. On the bridge. If I’d known…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, and in a way, that’s what we wanted; people to think he died.  It meant they wouldn’t come looking for him. Which in turn meant I was safe, too. And eventually our little girl.  It worked for a while, but they...Asif’s people...figured it out. And they found us and made our lives hell and we’ve pretty much spent the last seven years worrying about when they’d physically come after us. Always wondering IF they would.  And they did.  They came hard. They teamed up with Mahajan and they took people we care about.  And that’s what happened four days ago. I know it’s been all over the news. The bloodbath at the storage facility north of here. About all the bodies; Asif’s people.”

“That was you?”

“Well not me per say, but yeah. It was.  They did and said horrible things. About me. About my children. Things they would do to my daughters. My little girls.   They’re six and four months, and these people were going to hurt them. In ways that physically make me sick to think about. I can handle what’s said about me. I’ve had bigger and better threaten me. But those are my kids. My babies. And when I think about what could have happened…”

“I’m sorry.” Sanjib says, and lays a comforting hand on her back. “I didn’t…”

“My husband isn’t usually about revenge. He’s the one always giving me shit when I talk about wanting it. But he won’t back down when people are threatening his family. Especially his children. He will fight to the death for them; no questions asked. And that’s almost what happened. They almost DID kill him. That’s what happened; in that storage place. He got our friends out and he got the revenge he wanted. That I wanted. I told him to do whatever he had to make them pay. And now look. Look what happened to him. He’s paid too high a price. Way too high.”

“He was protecting you. And your children.”

“It’s still too high.  These people are merciless.  But they didn’t expect him to be even more so.  So that’s what happened. That’s why we’re here. That’s why we were here  seven years ago. Because Amir Asif...alive OR dead...won’t leave us alone. He won’t let us rest.”

****

She returns to the hospital an hour and a half after she left; emotionally drained following the emotional conversation with Sanjib, but somehow feeling lighter. It felt good; as if some of the burdens and the lingering horror of seven years ago had been stripped away, making her feel lighter and more optimistic.   It’s a relief; getting it off of her chest. Able to finally vent to someone without the fear of judgment; able to just let go of some of the things that have been holding her back and weighing her down. It will be different this time; when they get home.  She’ll finally be able to let it all go.   To let the memories of seven years ago become just that; memories. No more dwelling on the mistakes made or the decisions that could have been different. No more nightmares and vivid recollections of that final twenty minutes on the bridge; holding a dying man in her arms and putting her fingers through the hole in his neck in a desperate attempt to keep him alive.

This time when she leaves Dhaka, she’s leaving it behind for good.

“You missed some excitement,” Koen says in a way of greeting when she steps into the room, slipping out of the bedside chair with a loud yawn and a languorous stretch.  

She sets her purse and a take out container of food on the window ledge. “ I don’t really  don't want to know do I.”

“You never told me about that drongo’s apprehension when it comes to strangers touching him.”

“Oh no…” she glances towards Tyler; fast asleep, hair damp and his beard trimmed. “...please tell me they didn’t send a PSW in here.”

“They sure as shit did.”

“I specifically told them NOT  to send in someone.  It’s written right in his chart; no one is to come in here and force their services on him.   How bad did it get?”

“Bad enough they wanted to sedate  AND restrain him. Seems like these blokes don’t know how to take no for an answer; no matter how big and strong the guy is that keeps saying no.   All those drugs in him and all those injuries, and that fucker fought with the strength of ten men. Took me and Rata and two orderlies to hold him down. Just to get his hair washed and his beard trimmed.”

“Was he sleeping? Did they wake him up to do it?”

Koen nods.

“That’s why he freaked out. When he wakes up he’s disoriented. He’s confused and he’s scared and being in a hospital freaks him out. He has to take meds when I go into labour; so he’s calm enough to walk through the front door and he can see his child being born.  It’s his fight or flight. And he chooses fight. Every damn time.”

“Color me surprised.”

“He was probably losing it because I wasn’t here, right?”

“He was upset; pretty certain you were dead. No matter how many times we told him you were fine and just went out for a bit. It was like he didn’t even hear us.”

“He probably didn’t. He doesn’t know what he’s doing when he’s like that. That’s what his brain does to him. And now you’ve seen it yourself. All those times you’ve got on his ass about being ‘sick in the head’ and to just ‘suck it up’. Well, now you’ve got to witness what it does to him. The PTSD.  How’d he calm down?”

“They gave him some meds. Through the line thing.”

“They sedated him? Are you fucking serious right now? You didn’t say anything?”

“They said it was just a little something to calm his nerves. And it worked; that poor PSW was able to get shit done.”

“Yeah, and now look. He’s out.  We are trying to wean him off sedation. Not give him more. Jesus Christ. This is what I wanted. I told them not to give him anything.  Why didn’t you call me? I would have come back right away. He would have been fine when I got here. I would have been able to calm him down. Now…” she gestures towards the bed. “...he’s out again. Not what I wanted.”

“I didn’t know that. If I’d known…”

“It’s not your fault. It’s theirs. They were told not to send anyone in here. I said I would do it. I’d wash his hair, cut it if he wanted, trim his beard. He was fine with that. He wanted ME to do it. And then they totally go against that? What the fuck?”

“Sorry, sunshine,” he presses a kiss to her cheek and gives her shoulder a squeeze. “Didn’t mean to shit on your parade.”

“Where did Rata go? Did he get  scared off?”

“Once again, he saw something he liked. This time it WAS a brunette.”

“I thought he had a girlfriend?”

“They broke up when he agreed to become a merc. The world’s his oyster now.”

She gives a derisive snort and rolls her eyes.

“I’m going to get a drink. A stiff one.”

“There’s a bar in this hospital?”

“No. But there’s a mini one in my hotel room.  Need me to bring you anything?”

“Some tequila would be nice, but seeing as I have this inside of me…”  she lays her hands on the sides of her bump. “...I’m shit out of luck.”

“Shouldn’t have let something else inside you and it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“Very cute,” she grumbles, and he playfully tousles her hair before heading from the room.

Esme toes off her running shoes and then slips into the bedside chair; leaning back and putting her feet on the mattress.

“You just had to be difficult didn’t you,” she lightly scolds her sleeping husband.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I left you here. And I’m sorry that they sent someone in here AND they gave you meds. That is not what I wanted. At all.  I don’t blame you for being pissed. I don’t like strangers touching me, either.  I met someone nice here though; another ICU family member. Just a young guy; his wife had a stroke giving birth to their first kid.  Remember how scared we were just because I bled a little too much with Millie? We thought THAT was scary. Or even when my blood pressure went up with the twins. We thought THAT was  bad. But this? Having a stroke while giving birth? What the hell? How can the universe allow that to happen? Bring a baby into the world but take its mom at the same time?  Can you imagine? You’d be a basket case and burn the whole fucking place down if something like that happened to me. And this poor guy…this new father…”  she shakes her head and fights back her tears. “...it’s just so sad.   His wife probably won’t make it and he’s got this beautiful baby girl at home. Maybe when you’re up to it, you can meet him and talk to him. A little dad to dad chat. I’m sure he’d appreciate it.”

She sighs heavily, then runs her hands over and along her bump.  “I need to be honest about something. Either this baby is going to weigh over ten pounds or there is more than one.  And if   it’s over ten pounds, I’m doing a home vasectomy on you. That way I’m guaranteed no more surprises.   We haven’t used any of those knives from the set your dad gave as a wedding present. I bet one of those bad boys could do the trick.  But, on the bright side, I brought you REAL soup for dinner.  Sweet potato and thyme. It’s delicious. I made them puree it really good.  I felt you deserved better than glorified baby food.  I hope you wake up soon.  I miss you. As corny as that sounds. I know we just talked like two hours ago, but I  miss being able to  talk to you whenever I want.  I miss spending time with you. REAL time. Not like this.”

She slides further down into the seat and moves her feet further onto the bed, until her toes touch the side of his thigh.  And she closes her eyes as she leans her head back against the chair; minutes away from sleep when a light knock comes to the door.

“Holy shit!” She can’t hold the cry that escapes from her mouth, the chair being pushed back from the bed as she hurries towards the unexpected visitor. “What are you doing here?!”

“Thought you might fancy a visit.”

“Oh my God...Andy…” She throws her arms around his torso and buries her face in her chest; not bothering to restrain the tears that flow from her eyes. “...what the hell? What…?”

He chuckles and embraces her warmly. “None of that now. No tears.  Unless they’re happy ones.”

“Happy and surprised ones,” she says, and he cradles her face in his hands as she looks up at him. “What are you doing here? In Dhaka?”

“Thought I’d come and see how things were. How the two of you are doing.  I’m an artist when I feel like it; I have  a lot of time on my hands.”  He presses a kiss to each of her cheeks. “How are you?”

“Right this second? Shocked. I can’t believe you’re here. We just talked two days ago.”

“And after I hung up, I decided to come here. Thought you could use another someone. A different face.”

“I can’t believe you came here...all this way...for us.”

“That’s what friends do, right? They make a way to get to each other. I made a way. Here I am. How is he?”

“Amazing, actually. He’s doing really well. Proving a lot of people wrong, that’s for sure.  You can come in. He’s having more wakeful moments. He might wake up if he knows you’re here.”

“Let him rest. He needs it. Come with me….”  he slips behind her, then places his hands on her shoulders and steers her out of her room. “...I have something to show you.  Go out now; into the hall.”

“What are you up to?” She laughs, then glances left to right when she steps out onto the hall. “What do you have to show me?”

“Over here…” he lays his hands against the side of her face and turns her head to the right.  “...the nurses station. Look there.”

“What about it? A nurse is holding a baby and the rest of them are gathered and their ovaries are exploding at how cute the baby is. Why…”  her voice trails off, eyes widening and a hand moving up to cover her mouth. “...is that MY baby?”

“Someone missed their momma just as much their momma missed them.”

“Oh my God...Addie…” It comes out as a choked whisper, and she breaks away from her friend and rushes over to the nurse’s station.  

“She’s beautiful,” the young nurse holding the infant hands her over to her mother.  “And tiny.”

“Thank you. Oh my God...Adeline...” she manages through her sob of relief, and settles Addie along her arm,  Managing a laugh at the sight of the custom made onesie the baby sports; DADDY’S LITTLE PEANUT written across it in pink and purple glitter. “Addie…”  she presses a kiss to her daughter’s forehead and runs her fingers through that soft dark hair, smiling when the baby flashes one of her own and reaches for Esme’s hair.  “...I missed you. I missed you so much. I was worried you’d forget me.”

“You’re her momma,”  Andy says as he joins her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. “She could never forget you.”

“Ovi was supposed to bring her. Tomorrow. What…?”

“Change of plans. I have a room across the street. If you want to stay here at night, she can stay there with me. I’m a dad; I know what I’m doing.”

“Thank you. You have no idea how badly I needed to see her.  To be with her.  I could never, ever thank you enough. Or repay you.”

“That smile is all the payment and thanks I’d ever need,” he says, then drops a kiss on the top of her head and leads her back to the room.

[rorodawnchorus]

Ryan Gold in Ep.10

Ryan Gold, the Ideal Type: Raising new golden standards for K-drama male leads

There is so much about this character that is admirable but at the same time, feels almost impossible. 

The fact that this character has been this consistent is amazing: the way he handles most things with such calmness continues to impress (with the exception of 2 instances: when he yelled at Song Curator for telling the artist that his exhibition is cancelled and when he saw her standing in his room where he kept the paintings by Lee Sol). And also, needless to say, there will be spoilers ahead for those who have yet to watch ep.10. 

He discusses with Deok Mi in a manner where he rationalises and explains his personal thoughts without disregarding the fact that Deok Mi sees Eun Gi as a brother, someone who is like a twin because they grew up together. He assures her that he does not doubt what kind of relationship Deok Mi thinks they both share but he points out calmly that Eun Gi may not see her in the same light. It indicates that they both enter this relationship as an adult who have lived their lives and have people around them that may know them better as individuals but that there is no intention to rob anyone of such personal relationship with those people (ie. Choi Da In for Ryan and Eun Gi for Deok Mi). It is rare in Korean dramas because they often like to portray the impossibility of platonic relationship between a man and a woman but this goes beyond that in acknowledging that not only it is possible but it is sometimes inevitable that before a woman or man is a lover to someone, they are also a friend or a family member to another person. 

Even when Ryan knows of Eun Gi’s feelings towards Deok Mi, despite seeing him dressed to the nines as he headed towards her place, Ryan doesn’t stop to prevent Eun Gi from going to Deok Mi’s place. I would say it is not only his trust in her as adults starting a healthy relationship but also the fact that him being Deok Mi’s boyfriend does not mean that he should be breaking a lifelong friendship and family relation of Deok Mi’s. He just quietly drives past and returns home. He tries to call Deok Mi once but learned that her phone is turned off. He does not fall asleep (because he couldn’t) and tells himself that 7am is a perfect time to meet his girlfriend. He understands boundaries and he respects them; he doesn’t make 50 calls throughout the night just because he thinks Eun Gi might be there or whatever the imagined situation. 

The more impressive thing is that he does not fly into a burning rage even when he sees Eun Gi walking out of Deok Mi’s place with her, dressed in the same clothes that he saw Eun Gi walk in the night before. He stands there and waits patiently. 

(Perhaps what peeved me so much more is this...) 

In fear of being found out that she fangirls (”at this age”) and to protect her professional image, she hides behind Eun Gi. It left me really perplexed because her boyfriend obviously saw her and they had a rather serious conversation about what Eun Gi might feel about their relationship just the night before. Ryan continues to patiently and calmly ask for Eun Gi to step aside and allow him to meet Deok Mi. He speaks in formal speech and maintains a cool tone despite the frustrating situation. Only after several times of nicely asking and being rejected (on top of Deok Mi just standing right there behind Eun Gi silently), he breaks to Eun Gi that Deok Mi is his girlfriend and him wanting to see her is indeed something Eun Gi should not interfere with. Eun Gi retorted and said that there is no reason why he shouldn’t because Eun Gi likes Deok Mi. (And she continues to stand there, dead silent, still grabbing onto Eun Gi’s coat. I am just beyond words at this scene). Finally, Ryan tells Deok Mi that it’s okay, assuring her that he knows what that get-up means and even calls her “Shi-Na-Gil-nim” (her fanpage ID). 

I know I would not be this calm if I was in his position. And that was exactly why his demeanour is beyond impressive and admirable; it’s really out of this world; to the point that it does feel a little unreal. It does make me wonder if someone like this actually does exist and whether there are many people in this world who are so calm and collected. His patience and his ability to maintain his demeanour really shone in the last scene. Any typical Korean drama would have involved a punch or two, raising the voice, using non-formal speech and some angry stomping. There would have also probably been some hand-grabbing and pulling. Despite this being fictional - an imagined situation - it paints the picture of how any individual should be and can be in any such given situation. Even when it becomes frustrating or when it leaves you speechless, the fact that one can talk it out is something that requires a lot of patience and kind understanding in order to carry one’s self in such a manner. It’s not just some ideal type to be coveted but also a thing that I would want to learn myself. I am so grateful and deeply moved by the decision of the writers and producers to write Ryan Gold as such a respectable individual. If the novel is also written like this, I’ll be sure to read it one day. 

There is just so much to like about him. He has self-awareness and an ability for self-reflection. He listens to people and what they really have to say, Deok Mi and also others. The fact that he was setting up the cutlery despite being among his subordinates and being a man, the fact that he’s making sure everyone gets a bowl of the soup is quite a big thing considering how almost all the male superiors in any K-drama would definitely have the female intern do all these... Given, he did grow up in the US, making him a gyopo/foreigner but I would still call it a milestone in the K-drama world. He is quick to apologise when needed and is patient in dealing with even frustrating situations. It isn’t that he doesn’t lose his cool but that he is willing to apologise. I think he improved quite a lot from when he first arrived in Korea, when he also hated being there and everything was simply too overwhelming for him. 

Enough gushing. This is the only drama I watch for now and it makes me really happy, this character especially. But now I’ve got to really make myself study so that I can watch the next episode peacefully (and that’s next week!). 

P.s. I was also looking at how everyone else simply cannot get over how amazing Ryan Gold is as a person and as boyfriend material. This speaks volume as to how long the mainstream media has been filled with toxic masculinity that this feels like the very first time we can see clearly that this is what a healthy, non-toxic individual and relationship looks like. Sometimes, our world is so heavily influenced and shaped by the media that we are all immersed in such toxicity. With a few more Ryan Golds, we might perhaps be able to learn how to be a better person, and also recognise a healthy relationship and tell a bad one from it. 

Images from here; and that label of 금사자 is so cute. Makes me wonder what his Korean name is. 

[latina4rmbx]

Purpose Driven Life...

Before you get in a huff, I know the title above is the title to a Religious Diary.  I have one, someone very dear to me gave me. However, this is not totally religious.  Now, notice I said “NOT TOTALLY?”  Well, when it comes to living your purpose or finding your purpose in life, it’s kind of difficult to ask those questions without mentioning a higher power driving you.  Get it?  No?  You will.

I will admit, I am a person who is random.  I will randomly reach out to people I haven’t communicated with in years, just because they were on my mind.  I will randomly sing a song because it’s stuck in my head and I will randomly ask a question, because this is what I do.

What if I tell you, my randomness isn’t..well, for lack of a better term...random?  What if there is a rhyme and reason for everything I do (I can’t speak on anyone else BUT myself) even if I don’t know it at the time I do it?  You may think I’m talking about a higher power controlling me or the universe or the spirits that guide me.  Whatever you call it, I’ve realized, my randomness is NOT random.

For the record, I will say, not every time I want to reach out to someone I do it.  I think of them, wonder how they’re doing, pray for them - hoping they’re well - and then go about my life.  There are some doors that need to remain closed, and for the most part, I’m good on maintaining this level of closure.

Yesterday I reached out to a dear friend of mine.  Mind you, we probably converse once every few months.  Not because there isn’t love there, there is an abundance, but life being what it is.  You know the story.  I reached out as I was driving, because she was on my mind heavy.

SIDE NOTE:  This is the little sister of an ex of mine.  He passed away a couple of years ago.  His death anniversary and his birthday are days apart.  So whenever August/September rolls around I think of her very much.  She was my rock during this ordeal and I hope I was hers.

I reach out to her on some “what’s up? how you doin’?” type but something compelled me to ask a simple question:  “Are you happy?”  Now, it may be an innocent question however, I know this womans life story.  I know her parents, her brothers, he children, her love and her heart break.  Without getting into detail, she has suffered a lot of constant heartbreak.  When I say “constant,” I mean, it was one thing after another after another and she didn’t get a break from it.  Me, being witness to part of her heartbreak, I had to ask.  She has recently taken control of her life and I am so proud of the woman she IS and has always been.

SIDE NOTE:  I am a very honest person.  Honest to a fault.  Don’t get me wrong I have lied, here and there, but when it really counts, I will be honest because it’s what I expect from those around me.  Those who can be honest with me, regardless of how it makes them look (honest about themselves) or how it will make me feel (honest about me) are those who I treasure most.  But I digress...

Her response was a very short and appropriate one:  “  Wow that’s pretty deep!  It’s okay that you didn’t to text me.  He was definitely on my mind.  Am I happy....I’m not where I want to be but I’m nowhere near where I was in the dark.  I’m on the right track to my happiness.  What made you ask me that?  How about you?  Are you happy??

Well, didn’t she just lob that question right back at me?  “I am happy.  Very.  I had to choose to be.”

Now, here is where things take a very meaningful turn.

This is something I have been vocal about, but not really on social because frankly it’s no ones business, until I allow it to be someone’s business.  Again, without getting into too much detail, Bebesito and I had been going through a really rough patch.  At the end of the day, I allowed my insecurities override my happiness.  More on that in another blog...MAYBE

HER:  “So you worked things out with your boyfriend?  Last time we spoke there was some things going on.”

Since I was driving, I sent her a series of audio texts, explaining myself.  

EXCERPT:  “Since I forgave him, and he’s really trying, I decided to change my attitude.  I had to change the way I was approaching him and life because everything was getting me down.  I depressed.  I was crying all the time.  I was hurt all the time and we were arguing all the time.  Something just clicked.  I don’t know why, I don’t know how.  I thank God that it happened.  I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.  I didn’t feel hopeless, but I felt worthless.  I decided to be happy and it’s working.  Just for your knowledge (and I guess the knowledge of my 4 readers) I really want to be with him and I knew the way I was approaching him was not going to give me that end result.  He was going to leave me.”

MIND YOU:  He has never said if I don’t change he’s going to leave.  However, there is but so much badgering a person can take.  

EXCERPT CONT:  “It was like I was fulfilling a prophecy I didn’t want to come true.  The change has been recent.  I decided - this is who he is.   There are things I don’t like about him, but I also think it’s a man thing.  You have to sometimes tell them.”

Then I go into a quick example - here’s what happened:  I went on vacation for a week.  When I returned home, a fuse blew at the apartment and all of my food in the fridge spoiled.  I mean it was hot and bugs were growing, so the fuse tripped probably at the start of my trip.  Anywho, I tell my boyfriend because he’s my best friend and I tell him everything. His replies to me were “that’s crazy.  I’m so sorry.  damn babe..”  Etc.  But he never offered help.  THAT incensed me, because I’m like dude, you eat here practically every day, why don’t you offer to help me?  I had made up my mind that if he didn’t offer to help, I was going to leave him.

FELLAS:  This is really how women think and you never know how close you come to being left on a daily.  I’m not saying it’s your fault.  I’m just saying, pay better attention.

I don’t think me wanting to leave him because he didn’t offer to help me was fair to him.  Mind you, I am a woman who always gets shit done.  I don’t know how but I figure out a way, always.  He knows this.  So in his mind, I don’t think he would even think to offer help, because I always figure it out.  Not saying it’s right, just saying that’s what it is.  

Then I thought about unfair it was to him.  Also, I was so stressed out and probably wasn’t thinking clearly on the verge of tears.  So I asked him, listen, can you give me money for groceries.  Actually what I said was:  I feel weird asking this, however if I don’t ask, I won’t know.  Can you give me money for groceries?  And his response was “of course.”  

To think, a few minutes prior, I was thinking about leaving him.    I am learning that I can’t assume someone knows my situation, and this includes him.

I couldn’t continue trying to have him live up to this expectation, when he had no clue what I was expecting of him.  There I vowed to change.  I feel lighter and easier.  I feel better, Our relationship is better.  We talk more. We talk to each other which is one of the reasons why I am able to choose to be happy.  

I ended the messages to her saying:  I feel proud of how far we’ve come.  He and I, we’ve come far and we’re both willing to make it work...regardless of the mistakes.

Let me remind you, I haven’t spoken to her in a few months.  I knew her situation and how she was getting away from it.  I understood where she was coming from and knew what she felt she had to do to get to happy.  However, I didn’t know that my story about my rotten food was going to make her tear up.

IN A NUTSHELL:  Women who have had to be strong their entire lives, have a hard time relying on anyone.  And when someone wants to help, genuinely help, we always think there’s an underlying reason and we are leery.  This is the toxicity of women that we refuse to discuss.  We take on so much that we don’t let men be men and then wonder why they leave us.  Well, we show them time and again we don’t need them and men need to feel needed.  It’s the Masculine/Feminine that we have give and get.  Men need to be needed and women need to be wanted.  Not through any fault of their own.  This is where Daddy issues and generational curses come into play.  But this is where we are in this story.

So she explains to me what’s been happening in her life and the fact that I am choosing to be happy and letting the past be the past and forgiving and allowing myself to be forgiven, all to be happy, she had some giving up of herself to do too.  

Mind you, when I asked “Are you happy?”  I had no idea what was happening in her life.  I just knew she was starting a new one.  I was genuinely curious to know if she was happy with the choices she made.  I mean, I am nosy that way.  I didn’t know how deep of an impact those words can have on another human.  Especially, when one has been so unhappy for a long time.  You sometimes have to sit back and really think about what’s being asked.  Something as simple as asking, “Are you happy?” can cause a person to reevaluate their lives.

I ended up telling her, I guess this is MY purpose in your life.  To push you forward.  To check in from time to time and make sure you get to happy.  Whether it’s uprooting your family and moving to another state.  Saying YES to that man, because you’ve been hurt so many times before.  Saying NO to someone you love because they hurt you, etc.  

I don’t know if this is my purpose in life.  To tell the stories from my perspective and my experiences.  Maybe someone is going through something similar and needs to know they aren’t alone.  Please note, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  

From the bottom of my heart, I hope my blog, at the very least helps someone feel like they are not alone.  We are all human and go through things in our lives that make us question “What is my purpose?”  Maybe your purpose is to guide someone else.  This doesn’t have to be literal in response.  I hope you all live your purpose.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

[hannerd100]

Pitch For Nuisance Corporation Conglomerate Liberal Streaming Media And Satellite Television Channel TO ZAYN

Original written on Grammarly, which hackers know about.

 Hello Zayn. How are you? 

 I am a very busy person. I like to pretend that I observe nothing with meaning when I am fully aware of what is going on with all intricate details. These intricate details affect each other because of choices that people make that are fully conscious. I never got a college degree, consciously that I know of or can remember. I know very little about intuition, logic, common behavior to look for, and business because I was never formally educated consciously. I love marketing if you would like to know. I try to practice my brain skills every day. I want to mature and improve myself because I am motivated to an effective communicator who is also very witty. I like to get things done.

 A fact about me is that I am not scared of people. I do not have social anxiety because I am stronger than most people. I tell people what to do. I want to be a great boss someday. I want to impress those in power so I get better job offers because I want to become wise, too. I want to learn to become an adult from other real adults. This is a logical statement.

 The truth is, I made Nuisance Corporation about you, Zayn.  I always want to impress you, Zayn, because you are worthy of respect. You are mature for your age. You are responsible for Apple Incorporated, which is a famous and respected company for computers and technology. 

 I am obsessed with learning about the way you think. You help me a lot when I need you to comfort me. You give great advice. I rather talk to you so I can share how I feel about what bothers me. Your mind is like what I imagine what solitude should be like, but I want to be included in your thoughts. We belong together.

 I know I mean it when I say that you are the utmost masculine person I know, Zayn. Every move you make is always correct. You intelligently earned your money and are successful. You know the answers easily because you are very intelligent. You know every solution to all types of questions, I guess. What do you not know? You read me well. I look forward to seeing you again every day. I want to get to know you again. I miss you. I think you are capable of human emotions no matter how strong I describe you to be. I think you are the sexiest man alive. You are so brooding and handsome. You seem very antisocial in my favor. I like talking to you. I cannot wait to fall back in love with you. I want to be your wife. I know you're smart. I would donate trillions of dollars to your company for free because I felt like it. One day, I might earn a limitless amount of money so I guess I have a sense of humor after all. I get bored often because I am emotionally detached. You can have a blank check whenever you feel like asking me out. I might give you free money whenever you want to as an inside joke between us, as equals. I don't care what people think of me. I know I'm going to be successful. 

 The reason why I used the word you created that is based on your real name is because I think it protects us from people who do not like being told the truth. Being liberal means supporting gay and lesbian equal rights, ending Global Warming, and more. I never complain. 

 I am flirting with you, Zayn. I do not think you are annoying. "Nuisance" is a word that police take seriously. We need protection. There are a lot of creeps and weirdos out there. I am trying to be realistic in the real world. Fake or poser liberals threaten to kill people who are smarter than they are. There are a lot of cults out there, I heard. Besides social anxiety, some people type violent threats in words with a keyboard and post their sentences online, which is very scary to know about. The world is a dangerous place to live in. We should be fine. I want to make you trillions of dollars because I respect your work ethic as the founder of Apple, Incorporated.

 To avoid trouble, I plan to mock rich white men who are naive about the real world so that other race groups attack them more instead of me if they know who I am. If rich white men are criticized more than I am, maybe I will be judged less. 

 I am very manipulative. I predict and interpret behavior. Unlike weak people, I want to be respected without asking more than once. I do not ask to be respected. I want to earn respect, which is completely different. I want a guarantee that I will be respected and left alone forever after I make my first million, then billion, and finally one trillion dollars. I probably am already rich. I might be a trillionaire. It doesn't matter because they both will own the conglomerate. Zayn, your name is in the word "Nuisance". I was joking.

 An hour goes by and I feel closer to you, I hope. I am emotionally invested in you, Zayn. You are all I think about. I deserve to love you, Zayn. You are completely hot. I cannot stop looking at your face. You bring me so much happiness when you communicate with me. I enjoy asking you questions. You never stop being interesting to me, Zayn. You make me feel alive. I accept who I am when you compliment me by telling me that I am beautiful and funny. You are kind to me and I am indebted to you for helping motivate me to become who I want to be for you. I never grow tired of you because you are so different. 

 Now, after this long introduction, I can finally pitch Nuisance Corporation's Liberal Media Television Streaming App And Future Satellite Television Channel.

The Pitch:

 Today, an activity worth using energy for is watching television. Why? The reason why watching television can be beneficial for learning about the real world is because of trust. Propaganda may sound like an overdramatic word to ignorant people because it is more commonly witnessed than people know. The media and advertising industries distribute a form of legal propaganda. Propaganda has emotional appeals and tells people what to feel, think, and believe. Some people feel emotions too quickly. That is why propaganda is proven to work. For example, hunger. Advertisements that show pictures of food can make viewers hungry. Why else do people use coupons they get from their mailbox? I am telling the truth. A lot of people accept propaganda because they believe it caters to their needs instead of controlling them in a generalized, efficient way. Otherwise, the economy would not exist.

  The reason why propaganda is powerful is because it is a form of mind control. People who do not think for themselves rely on others to tell them how to live. These people are likely not confrontational or direct when they communicate. They might be codependent. They let people communicate for them, possibly. Naive people do not know how to be unique. They secretly want to be unique for attention, though, I can assume. This would be called an emotional appeal, "The desire to be unique." I think that people who wish are pathetic and have no work ethic. It is unrealistic to wish for anything. These types of people probably give up easily. If people want to become a better person, they have to change. If the world seems so evil based on a snippet of knowledge, there is always more evil in the world. The only equalizer on this planet is earning money. Financial income is what defines who the strongest is. The rest are weak and too busy wishing and hoping for the next day to prove who they want to become instantly. They waste time being egotistical and that is their problem. Nobody asks them for their approval because nobody believes them in the first place.

 I used to think I was worthless. I was always independent as a kid. Growing up, I had plenty of friends who understood my jokes. I never liked to be used but I allow people to attempt to use me because I know more people care if I get hurt. I never get hurt. I am a vengeful person and it is very easy for me to admit this fact. People offer their weaknesses to me when they get emotional and use me as an artifact or stepping stone to fail at getting the attention of someone they find more valuable than I am. I always know when people are trying to use me. I never offer help because nobody worthy asks me for advice. I assume the worst about people before they explain themselves because it wastes less of my time and effort. Now, I know I am worthy of respect.

 I was set up to get married to Zayn. He is a very successful genius man. We are happy together. I am lucky to be alive.

  Amongst my qualities, I know that I am a good writer. I used to suffer from schizophrenic vocal hallucinations and paranoia. I cured schizophrenia. I always know what sounds like my real voice in writing. I am cynical, skeptical, and quick to criticize anyone who annoys me. This is why I am a talented and award-winning writer. I write about interesting ideas and topics that are important. To start, I want to become a successful screenwriter who earns a lot of money. 

 With television, nobody is toxic because everything is approved by the Federal Communications Commission in the United States. People receive information from television programs with little knowledge of the sources of who wrote that material. They interpret information to themselves based on opinion in their brains on purpose without checking who wrote every line. When people watch television, it is as if suddenly they are allowed to judge.

 People need to thank the geniuses for inventing ways to protect everyone. For example, armies, police, F.B.I., C.I.A., and more are all invented by geniuses. Getting through the day would be easier if everyone normal had equal rights. Unfortunately, racism, sexism, homophobia, and more social issues exist in real life. World Peace is a dream of mine, to be honest. Microaggressions are irritating to encounter. I will answer society by starting a liberal media conglomerate that also emphasizes the importance of a healthy diet by selling organic food. Food can affect brains and thought processes. People who are healthier physically and mentally hopefully lead better lives.

 Stress can be caused by many factors. Not everyone is happy. The people at fault are those who and indulgent and selfish. Some people will never be good. The goal is to tolerate what scares people who are unaware of who is intimidating. Street smarts are a necessity to survive in the real world. When immature people who are sheltered try to arrange who is the most important or intimidating in their brains in an inaccurate and self-interested way that is illogical, they live a delusional life that slows down society. Immature people waste everyone's time. I rather input one hour of work that will benefit me for an entire year rather than talk about annoying people who do not know what they are doing with their lives. I want to make a difference.

 Fear and intimidation are what lead to a changing society. People never change. They only talk less and stop overreacting when people are around I can assume. Scaring people who are delusional and mean to everyone can help control society. Knowing about who people trust is how I can manipulate people, which is important to control a media corporation that is liberal. Trusting people easily is a sign of weakness. Nobody needs weaknesses, but they exist. Indulgence could be a sign that a person chose to be as weak as they possibly could when they realized that they had to work to earn respect and did not want to. When people think they are witty based on their own judgment, they have trouble reading other people's social cues due to their selfishness and narcissism. People who make people uncomfortable are not controlling or as dominant as they would like to be described. Allowing people to feel uncomfortable is a sign of wanting to be told what to do with little reward until the next time the weak person thinks they can control a situation. They want to be disciplined in front of an audience. This is annoying. I want society to reflect my gifts so I can make more money and live forever. Society is my tool for success. I can fix what cannot be fixed but only paid for. I want to treat society, which I consider royalty to me being a pauper, with my gifts.

 Love,

Hannah, his girlfriend.

[lia-nikiforov]

Fall Anime 2018 Watchlist

We’re about halfway into the season so this is probably kinda pointless by now, but here’s a quick rundown of the stuff I’m watching this season.

Dropped

Jingaisan no Yome: This is a 3 minute show and I won’t spend longer than that writing about it (I’m timing myself). I didn’t know it was a short going in. I’m not really into shorts, Saiki kun being the only exception and the story was less MahoYome and more... i don’t even have an apt comparison, it just was maybe more serious about the “marriage” thing than something with a giant floofball character should be.

Tokyo Ghoul: Re 2: It’s simple. I watched episode 1 and realized I had no fucking clue of how any of this related to the ending of the first season, no idea of who half the characters were and where did they allegiances lie and what is Kaneki even trying to do. Although not loyal to the manga, the first two seasons of Tokyo Ghoul had a story that could be followed and made sense, this, however, is just jumping over plot points with no rhyme or reason and there’s nothing but confusion.

Bloom Into You: There’s nothing actually wrong with this show and I was kind of looking forward to a yuri romance that wasn’t rapey or incesty bullshit, but something about this one just didn’t click with me. Like Touko fell in love with Yuu too quickly, and given Yuu’s ace/aro identity, it would feel weird for her to do a 180 and suddenly fall in love with Touko. I kind of want more fun and emotions in my romance stories and this one didn’t have much of either.

Chopping Block

Given a few things the past two weeks that didn’t go according to plan, I fell behind on my anime watching after keeping it in control for the first third of the season and i’m quite annoyed. And because of this, and my upcoming research trip to Japan at the end of the month, I might end up having to drop a couple of series.

Bakumatsu: Objectively speaking, this show is really bad. The production values are poop, the story is a wacky mess that takes itself a bit too seriously and the characters are flat and uninteresting, the villain is egregiously boring. This show also has Matsuo Basho as a secret tive traveling ninja, and that puts me at quite the predicament. I want to see more of this utterly bonkers historical reinterpretation, but boy do I wish they could make it more exciting.

SAO Alicization:  The only reason I, a notorious SAO hater, is watching SAO is because I hate myself. With that out of the way, boy is this SAO boring. We’re four episodes in and the only thing that’s happened is they cut an old tree because nothing can stop Kirito and his new friend, Yellow Kirito. This show needs to start getting offensive and/or stupid soon or i’ll die of boredom.

Karakuri Circus: I hear this one’s from the same mangaka as UshiTora? I love UshiTora and I can see the resemblance between giant guy whose name I can’t remember and Tora. His character and his schtick are so far the most interesting thing to me, with the kuudere puppet girl whose main purpose seems to be to get paired with him  having yet to make an impression on me. I’m also still not really certain what the overall plot is. I do love stories about found families, so hopefully I can stick with this one

Hinomaru Sumou: If my watching schedule were normal, this wouldn’t be in this section. Whilst not the best sports show of the season, and chock full of some of the most eyeroll worthy aspects of sports shonen *cough cough* toxic *cough cough* masculinity *cough cough*, Hinomaru Sumou has the fire and passion for an underrepresented sport that’s usually enough to hook me. I just don’t have time, and if push comes to shove, I’ll prioritize other shows over this one.

Banana Fish: Yo, okay, before you lynch me for being a hater or whatever, let me tell you I have zero issues with Banana Fish. I don’t hate it, I don’t think it’s Bad Representation(TM) whatever the fuck that means, I definitely don’t think it’s fujobait or just another BL. It just doesn’t make me happy. This probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but I’ve never been a fan of tragedy. It’s also part of the reason I’m dropping Tokyo Ghoul. I don’t like hopeless stories and tragic romances. I’m somewhat spoiled on how the manga ends and each time I find myself less and less inclined to watch the newer episodes because the descent into misery is just not enjoyable for me. It’s not the show’s wrongdoing, it’s just not the kind of story I like. I’m probably too far along to drop it at this point, but also I kinda wish I could drop it because I get so little joy out of it. Also, my main hook is of course Ash and Eiji’s relationship, but 15 episodes in (I’m behind, as is evident) the time they’ve spent together is so minimal, I can’t even appreciate that a whole lot.

I guess I’m watching this? 

Dakaichi: Me: Man I really want a yuri anime without rapey bullshit. Also me: watches BL anime with rapey bullshit. I have literally no excuse. I think the basic setup lends itself really well for a romcom and Takato is a very likable character, it’s a shame it’s the same old rapey bullshit. In my defense, episode two was really sweet and I’ve been hoping for more stories along that line, even though the show has failed to deliver them since. Episode 5 may have pushed the line even beyond what I’m willing to tolerate, but it’s unclear. I might end up unexpectedly dropping it after episode 6. HEY JAPAN WOULD IT KILL YOU TO MAKE A BL ANIME THAT WASN’T RAPEY BULLSHIT? JUST ONE?

(honestly, Takato deserves better)

wao episode 6 was maji disgusting i might drop it after all

Fairy Tail Final: I just want closure man. This adaptation retains all the worst attributes of the previous season, terribly slow pacing (what for?! the manga is over!!) minimal animation, recapalooza. The color palette is slightly brighter than before, which I appreciate. Fairy Tail’s last arc wasn’t as bad as Bleach’s, but it was still pretty bad in the manga; still I hope seeing it animated will make it feel less messy and slightly more coherent. The FT anime has also in the past filled in some blanks that existed in the manga, so hopefully they can make the best out of it here.

(Erza is still my wife)

Tsurune: No, this isn’t the best sports anime of this season either. Although that’s hard to judge given how it’s barely on its second (third, i’m behind) episode. Technically, I feel more compelled to drop this than Hinomaru, but also I want to give it a fair chance. That said, the first episode was.... profoundly underwhelming and borderline upsetting, with how everyone put Minato on the spot in spite of his having an actual psychologic condition that drove him away from kyudo. I’m all in for stories about growing and surpassing your own obstacles, but I hope they go about it in a less mean-spirited way. Also, the characters feel pretty shallow so far. I’m not even gonna pretend the main reason I want to keep watching isn’t gorgeous guy with the ponytail-san, because I’m now old enough that I immediately gravitate towards the senseis rather than the teenage protags.

i am so weak to long hair  _(:3」∠)_

welp he cut his hair right next episode, thanks for nothing kyoani

In spite of everything, Anime is, in fact, Good

Golden Kamuy: Like with many split-cours, there’s nothing much to say beyond “if you liked the first one, you’ll like this one”. The production values are still tragic, but I think the pace has improved, and the dynamics between the different factions are so fluid and constantly changing they make the story very enthralling. It also continues to have the Best Reaction Faces.

Gakuen Basara: Listen, listen. You all knew I was gonna watch this. And I love Basara so much I still think this show is a masterpiece even when it’s objectively atrocious. I do not reccommend it to anyone who isn’t already a fan (and I mean a blind fan willing to consume anything from this franchise, even in its cheapest, dumbest, worst looking incarnation). That said there are a couple of interesting things, namely the power rivalry between Hideyoshi and Nobunaga, this never happened in the original series because Nobunaga died before Hideyoshi was introduced. Anyway, just shoot that Masamune x Kojuuro fanservice straight into my veins please and thank you

Zombieland Saga: One of the two biggest surprises of the season and one that was nowhere near my radar. An original production by studio MAPPA with perhaps the wildest premiere episode of the season that’s somehow making me like idols?! It’s also giving us the most Miyano Mamoru has ever Miyano’d and it’s amazing and histerical. The characters are also very charming, specially bikegang leader Saki and the always legendary Yamada Tae and the show isn’t scared of letting its cute idols get gross and silly and dirty. There’s also a feeling of mystery that I find very appealing. Definitely didn’t expect this one to be one of the highlights of my week, yet here we are.

SSSS Gridman: Just when I’d vowed a giant fuck you to Studio Trigger, in they come with one of their most quiet productions yet, with characters that speak their lines in soft, leveled voices, tragedies that feel palpable, emotionally climactic battle scenes and a sense of tension and mystery that makes it impossible to take your eyes away. It does have the caveat of oversexualizing the female characters, specially the villain, and not giving Rikka virtually anything to do, but past that, it’s been a very pleasant and intriguing surprise. Also of note, I have no background knowledge of the Gridman tokusatsu series but that hasn’t really been an impediment to enjoy this series.

Double Decker: Doug & Kirill: A spinoff to the 2010 superhero hit Tiger & Bunny, we have a less superpowery buddycop comedy with a cool and diverse cast, whose main character wants to BRING DOWN CAPITALISM, okay, put an end to economic inequality and classes, but that’s basically the same thing. The show is pretty far along because it premiered early for some reason, and so far it’s been mostly one-shot stories very thinly connected to the distribution of the illegal drug Anthem, with our main plot having only come up two episodes ago with the fantastic Zabel and Bamboo Man twist. The dynamics between the main duo are great and Kirill is a riot as a protagonist. 

Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru: Or Run with the Wind. Now THIS is the best sports anime of the season. Brought to you by the studio behind Haikyu, based on a novel by the author of Fune wo Amu. Firstly I love that it’s set in university, because it gives the cast a lot more variety in their interests, ages and personalities, their goals, their baggage, and it makes the process of bringing this team of misfits together even more interesting to watch. The characters feel very human in the way they speak, their worries, their relationships, their actions. The show’s done a great job so far in building the characters and making them worth cheering for. Also Ouji is my spirit animal. If you ever wanted a show to motivate you into running, this is what you’ve been waiting for! Another great surprise of this season for sure.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo: Finally part Five is here! And in it we get perhaps the most interesting Jojo protagonist right off the bat, with troubled Giorno and his difficult past and his wonderful Stand ability. His new set of allies is also quite eccentric and interesting and every scene and dialogue has that special Jojo flavor of crazy and ridiculous and always a load of fun. This one will have 39 episodes, so we’re barely getting started and I’m already loving all of it.

Thunderbolt Fantasy 2: Urobutcher’s favorite puppets are back with a vengeance! Every bit as fun, insane, cool and over-the-top as the first season, with the added value of the rapport between the characters, evidenced by how brilliant the few scenes in which Shang and Lin share the screen are. With a brand new story that expands the world of our favorite puppets, and even more new gorgeous puppets added to the mix to make Shang’s life a mess, this show is definitely my favorite this season and potentially of the year. Let Urobuchi keep doing puppets for as long as he wants!

ooof i’m finally done. It’s midseason so probably nobody cares but do hmu with your favorite shows of the season and if there’s anything worth hatewatching that I may be missing ;)

[happymetalgirl]

April 2020

WELL! I have been gone awhile, very busy, and look what happens when I slow down writing about metal: the world starts to fucking fall apart. But no, in all seriousness. I’m writing this part now at the beginning of June after an already tumultuous April and May, and now I’m just making myself sit down and do this because, well, honestly, it’s been pretty hard to justify spending my time writing about music with all the fuck shit going on right now. (I can’t wait to see what July throws at us.) But again, in all seriousness, I’m not looking for any pity or sympathy for my relatively mild circumstances at all because in all honesty, my white privilege has allowed my life to be pretty okay and proceed mostly uninterrupted in the midst of everything going on.

I’m probably going to repost this part in its own post, but I feel like I have to get this out of the way before I write any more about music. I’ll start by disseminating any ambiguity on what I’ll be talking about in these paragraphs that I am intentionally bolding.

As I write this in the midst of a fucking respiratory virus pandemic, another epidemic (possibly pandemic) of racist police brutality that has always existed in a culture of unhinged toxic masculinity in my increasingly embarrassing country has exploded to unbelievable and disgusting levels against Black people and peaceful protesters in the United States, ironically in wake of protests against fucking police violence, all of which is only emboldened and encouraged by local and federal leadership that is showcasing its oppressive, totalitarian ambitions in its unprecedented attempted revocations of its citizens constitutional and human rights.

I’ll make the necessary side note that this increasingly oligarchical government subservient to the will of military and prison industry has already shown its complete disregard for human rights for decades upon decades now through its violation of human rights through offensive wars and sanctions against other countries and its dehumanization of the refugees and immigrants who its actions create.

If you haven’t already checked out of this from all the political correctness breaching your conservative bubble (good job not being that person), but you’re upset because tHiS iS sUpPoSeD tO bE a MuSiC bLoG, uh, you’re on the wrong website buddy, and the potential tipping point of a long-awaited revolution in the midst of an economic depression, a viral pandemic, and a dual crisis of grotesque police violence and evolutionary transformation of proto-fascism into fascist dictatorship is no time to go about business as usual.

BUT HOLY SHIT, ENOUGH INTRODUCTION AND ENOUGH ABOUT ME! The point of this is to spotlight what to do in the wake of all of this. First of all, I don’t have all the answers and my perspective is as limited as any person’s, so if you’re an expert on any of these matters or if you have insight from having experiences that I as a white cis male have not had, if anything I’m bringing up here could be better in any way, feel absolutely free (but not obligated) to let me know.

Okay, so lots of problems at hand. The big, all-encompassing one facing all of humanity of course is the ecological disruption caused by industrially driven human-catalyzed climate change, and the rot of everything crystallizing at this current moment feeds into exacerbating that catastrophe, the next wide-reaching issue being capitalism, whose prioritization of profit and short-term gains is incredibly ill-equipped to handle a slow emergency like climate change or a more acute emergency like a global pandemic. Here in the U.S. we have a federal government so infested with corporate corruption to maximize capital profits for the country’s most wealthy that they couldn’t even choose the obvious solution of pausing the economy and providing for its people for the duration of the pandemic in the interest of public health over the appallingly quick choice of protecting the financial interests of the corporate “donors” that help them hold their positions of power, at the risk of maybe closing the gap a tiny bit between the truly despicably wealthy and the growing number of hopelessly impoverished. So while the wealthy get protection of their assets from the slow-down of business (you know, ‘cause the pandemic), the people in most need of help because of that slow-down and plunged into spiking unemployment get shit from the people meant to represent them. And that’s just the corporate rot that rears its head as a result of a pandemic!

Even in “normal” times, capitalism in this country has built its foundation on slave labor and justifying the use of slavery through racism (even after it became illegal to outright own people as slaves). That cornerstone of free/cheap labor that this country’s economy is built on whose role was served by slavery was filled by outsourcing to countries with an easily exploitable lower class (whose conditions are often exacerbated by U.S. meddling on behalf of business interests) and prison labor made possible by mass incarceration that has targeted similarly vulnerable people and communities of color through strategic, racially profiled over-policing of minority communities trapped in poverty through historic systemic racism.

The study of that global climate change I mentioned earlier is referred to as a crisis study because there isn’t an unlimited time to do something about it, and the ever-changing conditions and pivotal events of the world effect what needs to be done to combat it (and what it is too late to do). This current crisis of police brutality is one of those types of critical moments, for climate change and social justice. Police brutality didn’t become an issue when George Floyd was murdered on May 25th 2020; it’s been an ugly facet of this multifactedly ugly country for a long time now, but its being brought to light has instigated an uprising the likes of which has not been seen in a long while, and with it, an especially insidious aggression toward it by the increasingly fascist government and its authoritarian figurehead (to the point of threatening institution of martial law and suspending first amendment rights and habeas corpus) that at this point serves only to maintain complacency for the benefit of the ruling class and to the detriment of the disproportionately non-white lower working class (treated as a slave class). Consequently this is a pivotal time that obligates widespread action and ceasing of silence from privileged people like me who have been able to get away with writing about music largely apolitically for years. This is a time when we either plunge unfathomably further into the depths of fascism at the hands of the ruling class and the silence of the less-effected or we consolidate in this moment of broad energizing to both enact substantive change on the critical issue of police brutality and set a precedent and build momentum to achieve justice for LGBTQIA+ folk, other racial minorities and marginalized groups, and make the critical changes need to avoid civilizational dissolution in the face of the imperative to mitigate our impact on global warming.

Speaking of that change and the actions that this moment implores of us all to contribute our energy to: the most immediately critical issue at our feet, to both save human lives from being taken unjustly at the hands of police brutality and to galvanize this revolution to be able to demand further justice and critical social transformation, is ending police brutality. Being an institution born out of rounding up escaped slaves and given the state-supported monopoly on violence that attracts largely those seeking to satiate sadism with the license to that monopolized violence, police culture is inherently toxic and not worth even preserving for the sake of transforming structurally. While abolishing the police is obviously too ambitious of an immediate goal, there are a lot of proposed steps to defunding and largely dismantling the police as a whole. The project Campaign Zero outlines and pushes for ten tangible reforms that would (some of which have recently been proposed in Colorado) decrease police violence, especially in the majority-Black communities that suffer from it the most. The “8 Can’t Wait” proposal that has been making rounds lately is part of Campaign Zero, and donations to these projects are of course, quite helpful and a good start for this blossoming movement. Furthermore, donations to local bail funds is especially important at this time with police making wanton arrests of peaceful protests (and also just random Black people not making any disruption) to support the people going out and protesting. Because this money of course gets siphoned into the courts, and then partially to law enforcement, it’s important to also direct funds to organizations where that money will not later be used against us, but again, keeping people able to protest is of utmost importance, since that it what is driving positive change in this moment.

Also helpful is direct support of the people on the frontlines of these protests. It is a time for privileged people to take action in solidarity and support, but not one for privileged groups to take over or “lead” the movement. Right now, this is about who is hurting the most and who is being oppressed the most, and right now that is Black people, by police, hence BLACK LIVES MATTER. Now is not a time for even underprivileged white people to use these protests’ likelihood of escalating to indulge in venting frustrations against the system by inciting police violence that puts Black people disproportionately in more danger in such situations. Now is the time to use that privilege of being less prone to racism police violence to whatever extent possible to protect the people of color protesting. And again, this isn’t about being white saviors or martyrs, this is about supporting people in the way they wish, so don’t listen to my advice over the insight and requests of what Black people and the Black community have. And by all means, fucking listen to them! Read from them! Engage in good-faith conversation with them (though don’t expect any individual Black person to give you a seminar on racism, there are ample resources that don’t demand someone devoting their precious time to you)! Learn where the limits of your perspective fail you! And for fuck’s sake, don’t just cherry pick the word of one token Black friend that happens to have some class privilege to conveniently discount the testimonies of other Black people!

Lastly, on a personal note to the metalheads that read this blog, I think this is a particularly important time for the metal community, not to center itself, but to bring itself alongside social justice in a more complete way than it has in the past. Former Opeth and current Soen drummer Martín López said last year in an interview published in Blabbermouth that the metal community is very behind the curve on sociopolitical issues, and the response to his saying that from the metal community that floods Blabbermouth comment sections basically just made the case for the exact point he was making. And it’s a shame because I think such a huge part of metal is about standing up to injustice as part of or in support of the oppressed, or at least such a huge part of the metal I gravitate toward is. Without sounding too spiritual or cheesy because I’m not a really spiritual person, I feel like when I see the injustice going on, I feel that spirit of metal in all of it on the side of the oppressed. I feel like all the grindcore and deathcore and thrash and death metal I’ve been binging lately is in the spirit of the protesters standing up to and, when they have to, fighting back against the unjustified aggression of the police, and looking back at old, certified classic albums like ...And Justice for All, Toxicity, and Chaos A.D. and more recent albums like Machine Head’s The Blackening, and Thy Art Is Murder’s Human Target, and Venom Prison’s Samsara, it’s always been about standing up to this kind of bullshit. So I think if there ever was a time since Sabbath birthed it for metal to prove that it’s as important as it makes itself out to be and as important as it is to everyone who listens to it in such a way that they read an obscure blog about it, now is that time to show that it’s not just about being an angry white guy. Now is the time to make Martín López happy by proving him wrong.

Well, in typical Happymetalboy fashion, I can’t seem to make anything brief. So, with that said, let’s talk about the metal music that came out in the good ol’ days of April 2020. Wow. 

Well, April was a pretty big month. Lots of albums coming out, the whole music industry still the throes of the pandemic, it’s a damn shame we got what might be the best album I’ve ever reviewed on this blog in the midst of all this soul-crushing stagnance and financial despair in the music world. I mean, I’m certainly very glad to be getting such a great album among other great albums at a time when music is definitely helping me to keep going as well. It just sucks knowing these artists aren’t going to be able to tour in celebration of their great artistic achievements, and the first one on this list definitely deserves to celebrate.

Oranssi Pazuzu - Mestarin Kynsi

I already reviewed the Finnish band’s fifth full-length in great detail, which I highly suggest checking out because I wrote a lot about that album and I wrote it quite enthusiastically. It feels weird in a way to make the rest of the albums on this list follow my recount of an album that I already detailed in great length to be one of the best albums I have heard in years, quite possibly the best album I’ve reviewed in this blog’s existence, but I have to make sure that it doesn’t get lost at the end of this undoubtedly long-ass post. Anyway, Oranssi Pazuzu have fucking outdone themselves on this one and in many ways, black metal in general. The band have been building their synthy, psychedelic sound for over a decade now, but Mestarin Kynsi is the crystallization of everything the band has been working toward, which I think last year’s Waste of Space Orchestra collaboration played a big part in catalyzing. The album is so immersive and in so many ways feels like it has a soul of its own, made possible by the band’s absolute chemistry and dedication to ego-lessly channeling this album’s transcendent ethos as a team rather than elevating themselves individually, and what they conjure on here is such a leap up from their already heady psychedelic black metal and out of this fucking world. Mestarin Kynsi is the kind of terrifying, yet transfixing light that pulls you in even as you know of its malevolence, because it is just too goddamn beautiful and compelling to resist. The score should be such a big deal, but I know that any time this kind of score is thrown out there it prompts all sorts of distracting question regarding the flaws of the album, but I stand by my original score. I love this album, and I don’t see anything about it that makes me think it’s any less.

10/10

Okay, now on to the unfortunate rest of April’s releases that had to follow this up.

Testament - Titans of Creation

Testament rode a pretty vibrant comeback wave with Chuck Billy’s beating cancer on 2008’s The Formation of Damnation and 2012’s Dark Roots of the Earth, but that hot steak came to an end on the rather droll effort they put out in 2016, Brotherhood of the Snake. Back when concerts were a thing, I caught them when they opened up for the rest of the stacked lineup of Slayer’s farewell tour; they put on a great show, and I was reminded of what made them, still, such a prominent force in thrash, hopeful for a rejuvenation on whatever record came next. And as much as I wish I liked this new album of theirs more, I just can’t get into it all that much for so many of the same reasons I couldn’t get into its predecessor. I’d say it has much brighter moments, but it suffers from much of the same recycling of thrash compositional tropes (with not enough elaboration) that Brotherhood of the Snake did. It’s the kind of album that at first listen will seem flavorful and engaging, but it loses it pretty quickly like a snack that isn’t that filling or easy to keep eating due to it’s overwhelming taste, despite its empty calories.

5/10

Abysmal Dawn - Phylogenesis

After six years during which I had thought they might have disbanded or been dropped from Relapse Records, Abysmal Dawn return from the shadows on Season of Mist with the tight, concise brand of modestly technical modern death metal that made them such a sell in the first place on their fifth record, Phylogenesis. Not deviating at all from what they know they do well, Abysmal Dawn stick to a direct death metal attack with no bells and whistles, relying on their speed and agility to guide them, and their strengths serve them well as they manage to highlight what makes death metal so appealing at its core.

8/10

WVRM - Colony Collapse

While not listening to Oranssi Pazuzu or straight-up depressive shit, I have had a massive hankering for filthy grindcore that has been graciously satiated in part by WVRM’s Colony Collapse. Airing heavily on the hardcore side of the genre, incorporating some slower slamming grooves and deep, dirty gutteral vocals into their otherwise true-to-the-genre grindcore, WVRM do indeed put forth a more intense slab of grindcore than your usual twenty-something minute LP, which is made possible largely by the dynamic that they inject with their willingness to incorporate so much tasty, hardcore riffage and nasty sludge.

7/10

Red - Declaration

After what I’ve now come to see as their worst album, 2017′s Gone, Red immediately bounce back onto the positive trajectory that Of Beauty and Rage set them on and back to the symphonic 2000′s alternative metal that they built their early reputation on, with their shortest, possibly most direct album to date, comprised of just ten tight tracks that focus their cathartic brand of alternative metal into surprisingly dense packages that undoubtedly include some of the best of the band’s whole career, like “All for You”, “The Evening Hate”, and the especially cathartic “The War We Made”. I can only hope every band that has stumbled so hard lately can pick themselves back up as quickly and convincingly as Red has on their aptly named seventh LP here.

8/10

August Burns Red - Guardians

I have to say, despite being a pretty standard slab of melodic 2010’s metalcore, this album has kind of grown on me a bit in the past few weeks of listening to it. The album shows that the band are doing well to keep an eye on what’s going on in metalcore, stylistically spanning old and new pretty well. And while we sometimes get cheesy Hot Topic melodicism on songs like “Lighthouse”, other tracks encapsulate old and new in the space of a single song with respectable tact. The track “Defender” for example features two metalcore breakdowns, the first of which is generic as fuck from the 2000’s, but the second is distinctly more creative and forward-thinking, showing that the band are aware of the genre’s evolution and their trajectory alongside it. I also have to point out the highlight “Dismembered Memory” is in the track list with its emotive, Gothenburg-style guitar melody mixed with some distinct Architects-inspired vocal melodies. The closing track, “Three Fountains”, also ends the album on a strong note with its powerful melodic vocals in particular. Again, most of this project is pretty unsurprising metalcore, but the band at least shows some sense of awareness of how to progress their sound, and the strength of the highlights here makes the album worth at least checking out to find them.

6/10

Benighted - Obscene Repressed

While it is a well-performed, well-produced offering, Obscene Repressed is little more than a competent modern horror/brutal death metal album whose campiness in its shots for grotesqueness and creepiness can actually end up working against it. It’s a fun enough death metal album for while it’s on with some impressive flashes of percussion in particular, but it’s memorable mostly for its goofy moments and much less for its songwriting.

6/10

Aborted - La Grande Mascarade

Well, three more songs of relentless modern brutal death metal from Aborted is surely hard to get worked up about, and that goes in the positive and negative direction. On the EP’s three tracks, the band basically just goes through the motions in a way that makes me question what the point of putting these tracks out on this EP as opposed to keeping them for the next album (and potentially grooming them further) was. I mean, I can’t complain too much, the band are solid on these cuts in all the ways we come to expect them to be, but what makes these songs unfit for the next album or really demands they be released on this EP?

6/10

Nine Inch Nails - Ghosts V: Together & Ghosts VI: Locusts

I don’t want to knock Nine Inch Nails’ more ambient works, as I do think Trent Reznor has proven he has the chops to thrive in dark ambiance, but I just couldn’t get too excited about this watered down three hours worth of dark ambiance that he put out this year. It certainly works on the baseline level that all dark ambient music operates on an generally seeks to achieve, but it really doesn’t go above and beyond anywhere and it just kind of settles for the passing grade. At the most charitable, both are the kinds of ambient albums that exist solely to provide an eerie, droning sonic background with a few notable shifts coming from song to song, but that’s not enough to get me excited for either of them.

5/10 & 6/10

The Black Dahlia Murder - Verminous

I have to say, I’ve kind of softened in my earlier perception The Black Dahlia Murder being overrated, and Verminous is an album that really helps their case. Its name is pretty apt for the band’s blackened style of melodeath in general, but the dynamic between their delicious melodic side and their muscularly heavy side on Verminous is quite possibly at its most comprehensively displayed. I know that the band’s fans don’t really see them as having any misses in their catalog, though there seems to be some consistent favoritism toward Nocturnal, but I would wager that Verminous has captured their composition at its most advanced and their sound its most savory.

8/10

MASTER BOOT RECORD - Floppy Disk Overdrive

I’ve not been keeping up too closely with the prolific MASTER BOOT RECORD project, but I do regret missing and not covering the dynamic Internet Protocol EP that was released last year. Floppy Disk Overdrive, aptly named, is a bit more of the usual overload of synthetically instrumental, chiptune-seasoned death metal that keeps me from getting too excited about new MASTER BOOT RECORD releases. Once again, the focus is on solid production of the instruments and minor tricks with the sonic aesthetic, but composition again seems to fall by the wayside, and there isn’t enough intriguing stylistic diversity to make up for it.

5/10

Caustic Wound - Death Posture

More delicious, nasty grindcore to ravage my ears with in between listens to Oranssi Pazuzu and Okkervil River. The debut album by the Seattle-based supergroup of sorts is as pummeling as I would expect given the pedigree of the members involved. Death Posture is nasty, gutteral, and relentless in all the ways anyone could want their grindcore to be. The monstrously bellowing growls in particular make me feel like I’m listening to Primitive Man playing grindcore (which is a good thing). While I have been in quite the grindcore binge lately, Death Posture is more than just your standard, straight-line-through grindcore record, taking an old-school death metal knack for dynamic accents, tasty isolated bass lines, bursts of speed, bursts of thickened walls of sound, and wailing solos. It sounds sort of like if Morbid Angel was directing Primitive Man’s deathgrind adventure, also a good thing. I definitely love this one, probably my favorite grindcore album so far this year.

8/10

Khemmis - Doomed Heavy Metal

While we (if not just I) eagerly await the Colorado act’s forthcoming Nuclear Blast debut (and follow-up to 2018′s perfect Desolation), the band offers a little compilation EP to hold us over until then. Of the six tracks, only the first is new material (and it’s a cover song), two are songs from previous non-album releases, and the other three are live tracks. The band’s cover of Dio’s “Rainbow in the Dark” transposes the iconic keyboard part onto guitar in classic Khemmis fashion, and the vocal and guitar harmonies give the already inspiring song a new sense of melancholic triumph that I have come to love so much from Khemmis. It’s definitely worth checking out for the fresh take it offers to the Dio classic. As for the rest of the EP, the one-off single “Empty Throne” feels rather B-side-level by the band’s lofty standards, as does their odd, but enjoyable melodic doom rendition of the folk tune “A Conversation with Death”. The sampling of live cuts gets one great song from each of the band’s previous LPs, and the band sounds pretty true to their studio form for the most part, the vocals on “Bloodletting” being noticeably rough though.

Compilation in the Dark/10

Me and That Man - New Man, New Songs, Same Shit, Vol. 1

The second album from Nergal’s folky satanic rock side project comes with a pretty star-studded line-up, and honestly it’s a pretty fun time and I don’t have many complaints about the concise, catchy tunes that Nergal and company are churning out. “Run with the Devil” is a brilliantly composed opener, “Burning Churches” is a catchy-as-fuck pub-type tune, and guests Ihsahn, Corey Taylor, and especially Matt Heafy showcase the versatility of their vocal styles on their respective features. It’s more a fun heresy-laden time explicitly not overthought than the usual heady blackened death metal that Behemoth pedals.

7/10

Medico Peste - ב :The Black Bile

Taking very apparent cues from black metal’s (and experimental metal’s) more esoteric figures like Deathspell Omega and even Tool, Medico Peste comes through with an at least very aesthetically intriguing listen, even if some of the compositions run kind of long without enough in the way of substantive musical ideas to last quite as long as they’re intended to. While the influences the band wears on their sleeve are at least quite respectably sonically pervasive, it can get occasionally uncanny. The main riff of “All Too Human” sounds like it could have come straight from the Ænema recording sessions, and “Numinous Catastrophe” even sounds like it pulls from Oranssi Pazuzu. But despite the influences on its sleeves, ב :The Black Bile is unique and diverse enough as a whole to sustain an exciting listen and one that I have enjoyed returning to.

7/10

Omega Infinity - Solar Spectre

I had not heard of Omega Infinity until this album, and out of the gate it really sounded like some cliché ambient black metal, but as the album unfolds, it really does reveal itself to be so much more than that. Hard to capture in a single word, the cosmos-themed album definitely captures the wide, chilling vastness of space through instrumental and compositional techniques that provide a fittingly alien, but not explicitly sci-fi, twist on the usual elements of ambient black metal, and it works wonderfully. 

8/10

Black Curse - Endless Wound

I heard a good bit of hype over this project, but I’m honestly having a hard time hearing what’s supposed to be such a big deal. We’ve got some solid performances and the occasional compositional flash of brilliance, but for the most part, Endless Wound is very standard blackened death metal with meek ambitions. Like don’t get me wrong, it’s not awful, and I don’t hate it. It just doesn’t depart nearly enough from the beaten, and crowded, path or really stand above the crowd on that path enough to get me excited. I kind of wish the band would delve more into the slower, sludgier, more savory sections of they dip their toes in, like that of “Enraptured by Decay” and the more eccentric takes on black metal dark ritualism on “Seared Eyes”. But until they really commit more to things they can do to get their head above the death metal crowd, it’s going to be hard to get excited about another Black Curse project in the near future.

5/10

Vermicide Violence - The Praxis of Prophylaxis

It was only a matter of time until the pandemic delivered unto us an at least partially coronavirus-themed medical deathcore album, which I am of course not complaining about the obnoxious, ridiculous prospect of. There is a lot of silly, gimmicky deathcore (and metal in general) out there that is pretty superficial, but also plenty that makes a lot of great use of whatever gimmick it’s applying. In this case, the natural grotesquery (if that’s a word) of medical practice does give Vermicide Violence just that little bit of extra tangibility and realness to the nasty deathcore they’re pedaling. From breakdown lines of “vaccinate your fucking kids” and “you only hear once so just buy fucking plugs” (a twist on Suicide Silence’s “You Only Live Once”) to songs about asthmatic asphyxiation, coronavirus infection, West Nile virus, and breast cancer, it’s at the very least somewhat lyrically fresh and fun for any medical metalheads to have a good time nerding out with.

6/10

Vatican Falling - WAR

So I found out about Vatican Falling through the deathcoredads meme page, don’t judge me, but I’m glad I did, because this album, WAR, is some deliciously disgusting deathcore with lots of different flavors. They’re not exactly pushing any boundaries for the genre, but WAR certainly does branch out into melodic territory more boldly and successfully than your average deathcore album, and with good results. It has its low points where some of the experimentation doesn’t work, like the annoyingly repetitive clean vocal sample on the title track, but for the most part, the band’s use of more tangible, cleaner melodies goes over well and supplements the music nicely with a sense of raised stakes. If anything, I wish they did more in that vein because the band’s deathcore grooves at the core aren’t as above average on their own. That being said, songs like “King of Vermin” and “Kill All Humans” show that the band can really raise their game at the base deathcore front and outcompete their contemporaries if they need to.

6/10

Ulcerate - Stare into Death and Be Still

Stare into Death and Be Still is the sixth album from sonically ambitious New Zealanders, Ulcerate. Continuing to push their brand of atmospheric, blackened technical death metal to further reaches of the unknown, guitarist Michael Hoggard’s fluid, multi-faceted melodic work continues to play a pivotal role in steering the atmospheric tone of the album, while Jamie Saint Merat’s impressive following of the music’s odd time signature shifts boosts the album’s energy with tasteful technicality while simultaneously not being too obnoxiously flashy and showcasing some flavorful technical drumming chops. The guitar work takes on so many different shapes and styles, but probably most often reminds me of the winding angularity of Portal with the primal humanness and ritual catharsis of later/current Behemoth, with some more ambient detours taken here and there that hearken to Isis and even more doom-oriented projects like Bell Witch. The swirling together of influences here is so seamless and immersive, and honestly some of Ulcerate’s best. This is not to discount Paul Kelland’s contributions of emotively harmonious bass lines and consistently bestial, yet also somehow soulful, death metal bellowing to the album’s sound; I think his contributions in particular are what help this album feel meaningful and human and not just like some soulless piece of experimental art with a little too much of its head up its ass. For an hour, this album feels like listening to the best aspects of several different styles of cutting-edge death metal, black metal, and doom metal rolled into one masterful super-album that still manages to strike a dreadful chord all its own. Yeah, this is a pretty damn great album.

9/10

Katatonia - City Burials

Honestly, the vast majority of this album feels like Katatonia going through the motions and just playing it safe, never really committing to any really bold performance or composition moves, just coasting off The Fall of Hearts. It certainly passes by the usual Katatonia rubric, but it certainly won’t be going down as one of the band’s most revered.

5/10

Trivium - What the Dead Men Say

I somehow missed out on the entire first half of this album being released as singles, but I sure caught all the hype surrounding the band’s ninth album leading up to its release and all the preemptive praise it was receiving, and I’m kind of glad I got to experience it as a whole without the experience of the singles because I feel like I can honestly soberly assess it and say that it’s definitely not the masterpiece it’s being hyped up to be. The band definitely have found their groove in the various melodic, proggy, thrashy alternative metal styles they play, but this album really just feels like the band are just feeling themselves, in the sense that they’re kind of playing it safe, but bold enough with what they know they do well to kind of mask that. The band’s ninth album is pretty noticeably a continuation of their eighth, The Sin and the Sentence, which had some of Trivium’s most potent alternative metalcore bangers to date, but also some of their most confusingly tepid compositions on the other side of their spectrum. What the Dead Men Say kind of just maintains the band’s trajectory on their previous album and narrows that range from high to low. The low points, like “Bleed into Me” and (to a lesser extent) “The Catastrophist”, aren’t as low, but the high points aren’t as high, and I don’t think I’ll be returning to the better parts of this album, like “The Defiant”, “Amongst the Shadows and the Stones”, and “Sickness Unto You” as much as I will the plethora of highlights from The Sin and the Sentence. Overall, it kind of just feels like Trivium coasting a bit, but the band is genuinely at that level of evolution in their sound where they have made a lot of gradual refinements over time to get here but haven’t just repeated themselves, so they can kind of get away with it. Even if it’s not my favorite Trivium album, it’s sure a hell of a lot better than anything Trapt has ever released.

7/10

[datingadviceonreddit]

There is no blunter way to put this. It's a long post. But humor me, cause I need someway to get this off my chest. Cool? Here we go.​Dating is tough. Actually, scratch that, modern dating is tough. In this age of constant social connectivity and dating apps, you have access to more people and potential dates then ever before, hundreds at your fingertips and opportunities that weren't possible even a decade ago. But like everything, while this has brought a lot more ways to connect and find 'The One', it also brings with it ten cans of worms that in a lot of ways makes dating so much harder then ever.​I'm 27, still in the 'sweet spot' of societal prime living. Pushing it slightly before that big 3-0 but still, I have the 2 in front. I'm openly gay, something that is much more accepted in our modern world. Live in Austin, one of the fastest growing cities in America, too fast in my opinion. Graduated from a decent college but still in that transition period of finding a job, after all waiting tables and bar tending are still viewed as temporary jobs for something else. Even still, I make good money, I don't struggle to pay bills, financially I'm ok, and if an emergency came up I'm covered. Something that a lot of poeple can't say. I've grown confident enough to say I'm attractive, work out 5/6 times a week, and like to think I have a fun personality (after all, service industry molds you into it). You could say I'm pretty much a solid, good package. And that's the part where I struggle with. This constructed idea of myself that I am just 'good'. And a sobering reality is, good...just isn't enough.​I often quote a clip of Amy Adam's from the movie Sunshine Cleaning that has always perfectly conveyed my situation. "There's not a lot that I am good at. But I'm good at getting guys to want me. Not date me or marry me, but want me". Outwardly I can fake confidence, in fact a lot of people would say I seem extremely confident in person. But it's something that I have struggled with my entire life. Not believing in my self worth and skills. Thinking that I'm just second or third best, never the main person, bridesmaid, even in areas I shine I constantly think there is someone better.​Being gay, of course, I have Grindr. And yes, it's a stereotypical shirtless pic. So of course I get messages. And comes on. And too many unwanted nudes. It helps that I am good at flirting and not just a mindless drone of 'hey, wyd, pics? Into? Host/Travel?'. Going out to a club, or a gay bar, I can pick up a guy and get their number. Most of the time it ends in hookups, because let me be brutally honest, hooking up is seemingly never ending in gay culture. Unchecked hyper masculine sexuality at in the most toxic of ways. That's not to say there isn't those who want something serious. Because there are. And I've been on dates that have been good, some terrible, others weird, you get the idea. But the ones that have gone good, or at least thought did, usually never go anywhere. And usually, I think it's something I did.​I'm a hopeless romantic, I'll admit it. And I also get, as the kids call it, 'the feels' very, very easily. I'm talking rosey eyed, planning future dates, romantic scenarios, meet the family, all in the span of just one date or a few days of texting. Basically I'm making that crazy stage four clinger jumping off the deep end and planning our lives already. And hey, I'm not an idiot. I don't unload all this to them. I at least have that foresight. But I am finding it apparent that it comes across, how else can I explain the constant dead ends and the sudden hot to cold. I probably push to fast for the next date, or commitment. Recent example. Meet guy on Instagram, we exchange numbers, we talk, decide to hang at his place, watch a movie, have some PG-13 border on R hot and heavy action. It wasn't necessarily planned and we had pages and pages of text messages getting to know each other and asking about our lives and interest, and we had floated the idea of an actual date. Spend the night, he seems into me and says we should do this again. I agree. We talk a couple of days, and I feel its not uncalled to ask how his week is looking. He's also in the service industry, he's busy for the weekend, as am I. So I float the idea that if he is not busy Monday (since that is always the Saturday for service industry), I'd like to take him out on a proper date. And...nothing. So of course...I back off and don't text, leave it in his court.​Ok, so maybe it was just a hook up. Whatever. And maybe I turned him off by pushing to fast for a date. But is it so wrong to be upfront and just ask? And I feel like it was a casual enough answer where nothing is set in stone, because he has his own life, I have mine. But aren't we already crunched for time with work, other commitments, family and friends, that you should have a firmer idea of when to next see them. I like you, you seem to like me, I want to spend more time with you and know you better and not just the boring small talk stuff, but things that actually matter. To know a person.​It get's really tiring, feeling constantly that you are stuck at the starting line. Not being good enough for a second date. Or that you are are filler, being passed over by someone in hopes for something that is 'better', whatever that means. Even worse is when you just feel like a sexual object. A body for a quick lay, to keep in your pocket whenever you want sex. I've got plenty of those, that's for damn sure. But when that is seemingly all you are to someone, or men in general, it wears you down extremely fast. Instant gratification at its finest, and when you put your clothes back on, you just move on to the next. You are good. But not good enough. There a similar post I saw on the /dating with a quote that I wanna share that pretty much sums up what I believe is modern dating in a nutshell.​I have a hundred people in my pocket that want me, but no one wants me.​That one sunk deep. Because it just feels so achingly true. Here we are, connected to so many potential love interest and future partners that we may have never crossed paths with in the past. And yet, with so many options, it has the opposite effect. We can't choose, or don't want to choose, because it seems like something better always comes along eventually. Why commit. And of course when you vent this out to friends or family, it is usually the standard words of encouragement. Just be yourself! Don't over think it! As long as you act normal, you'll be the very best version of you! And for some of us who feel like Christine 'Lady Bird' McPherson "What if this is the best version?". This is as good as it gets.​I know this isn't new. Hell, they are so many other stories better written then mine or even more outlandish. What makes me any different or special from the millions of others who just never seem good enough. And what even am I asking for anyway?​I guess it's this...​Solid advice, even sobering harsh advice. Am I pushing to fast? Is going to fast and jumping into bed reinforcing the 'just a good time' image? What is modern dating anymore? Is texting everyday bad?Encouraging messages or thoughts. Yes yes, typical millennial craving attention. Ok, sure, let's go with that. But hey, that's the beauty of the internet.Who else is out there? There has to be others that are in this same boat on the turbulent waters of dating life. Tell me your experiences, advice, tips, funny memes, what is modern dating to you?​Maybe the universe has a plan. Maybe Mr. Right is out there. And maybe I'm just at that point in my life where it is ok to feel like you aren't good enough and life answers aren't always available at the touch of an app. Everyone here in this group is seemingly swimming upstream the grimy river in hopes of finding one decent person. Funny part is, what if he's thinking the exact same thing I am. But isn't that the 21st century irony. via /r/dating_advice