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meansbehindwords · 7 years

Text

sup.

I am tired. And yes by tired I means tired of sitting around and doing nothing. I am bored out of my mind. For the past month I have been sitting in the chair I am currently sitting on doing nothing but watching videos on youtube and Netflix and reading tweets of people doing things out of their comfort zone and making money. In about 4 weeks I am heading to college and I am scared out of my mind. The pressure of succeeding is scaring me and I do not think I can do it. I am listening to "feeling alive" by earl st. clair right now and the lyrics he is saying resonates with me so much because I don't feel alive. I am someone that is scared to go out of their comfort zone to try new things and today is the day I change. I am accepting the fact that life comes with struggles and my struggle right now is trying to tame the boredom that is my life. The song just stopped… hold on while I press replay because it is giving me fuel as I am writing the truest form of words I have ever written (don't know if that made any sense) but I am gonna keep on going (no need for Microsoft Word to correct me). This is me. This is my dryness. This is what is happening in my mind right now… what I am thinking of as this current moment. I feel trapped and too free. I have so much time in my hands and I am not using it at all or putting it to effect (or affect whichever word fits in this sentence right now) – sorry but the summer has taken a toll on my grammar and ability to think clearly. I feel like the world has given me an opportunity to spread a message. I don't know why am I doing this but maybe it's the universe or God or whatever telling me that it's my time. Now I don't know what I'm gonna do with this message but I am on a role so there's no stopping for me. I feel like I can tell you anything and by "you" I mean anyone willing to even give me their attention. I am on my period. Yep I said it. It's a sensitive and weird topic but I am just going to say it. Maybe my ovulation cycle is playing a factor into why I am so inspirational but I don't care because I like this side of me. Maybe I woke up on the right side of my bed and that changed how I vewed life. Now I am the type of person that worries of the conseqeuences for every action I make. I know that's not living to my full potential but that's how I am. And to tell you the truth I'm sick of it. I'm sick of waiting around. I;m sick of waiting for lifde to tell me that's my life is over and it's time to go. I am scared of death. Everything about it is scary. And to think that I may not be alive tomorrow scares me out of my mind. So I'm going to take this opportunity to tell you (whoever is reading this) a little about myself. My name (or part of my name anyways) is Danika pronounced DAN-I-KAH (like Danica Patrick- the race car driver). I was born in Haiti and came to the U.S. when I was one but no one would no that because I hide the fact that I'm Haitian American. I don't know why I do that. Maybe I'm scared of the reactions or embarrassesd I don’t know right now. I am the oldest of 4 . yep that's right. I am the oldest which means I have a load of responsibilities. To be this role model for my brothers and sister to be the model that my parents want me to be. To be this inspiration that I don't think I can with so much fear within me. I am majoring or hope to major in communications. Ironic right? I can't even speak in front of a group of people and I am majoring in the one field that requires you to speak. I don't know why I am majoring in it I just know that I want to help people and be the voice that no ones wants to be. I want to be an inspiration. I might not show it but it's there. I swear. Now the song that I previously mentioned has been played 3 times right now and I am fueled even more to speak my mine. I have been in this cocoon of mine's since kindergarten. Yep… since setting foot in my elementary school. This shyness takes over me. It's something I can't control and sometimes I love it because it protects me from getting hurt from trusting those that shouldn't be trusted in the first place and would just let you down and disappoint you in the long haul. Umm sorry I just took a long breath and clicked on the replay button and totally forgot what I was going to say next. Anyways I think it’s time for the world to know me and see my potential in making a difference whether I am helping people in the medical field - which I doubt cause blood makes me nauseous – or helping them through their education or mindset as a therapist. I want to help people. That's one thing that I know for sure. Holy crap.. I just looked at the word count on this thing and realized I have type 959. Now 960 now 963 (you get the point) in about 10 minutes. That's the more words I have typed in my whole life especially without pauses and use of the backspace key. All of the things I am saying right now is coming right from my mind with no hesistation about what I am putting on this document or the care of others opinions about me. (sorry for the lack of punctuation marks) I want to show tha rare side of me the side that doesn't care about punctuation marks and grammar and uses of capital letters or lack of capital letters. I don’t really know if anyone is going to read this or the point of this document. I just feel trapped right now and writing this message is helping release my frustration. Did I talk about myself. I don't really know. oh yeah something else about me.. I forget a lot but in other occasions I can rmember moments from my life that is important to me and has an impact on my life. I can remember things as far as I was at least 4 years old. Some people say it's a gift others say it's not I say why can't this memory help me in my schoolwork because I can't remember a darn thing in any of my classes. No matter how hard I try I learn something one day and forget it within an hour. It's a defect of my memorixation ability. (did I jus create that phrase or is that a thing) anyways what was I saying… crap I forgot… see it works everytime…. I think I just layed out my personality or my "hidden" personality in this document or message or diary whatever you want to call it. My shyness has taken over me and hid parts of me that I would absolutely love to show my friends and sometimes my family. I have a lot of personalities. Don't worry they're not split personalities like that movie about that guy with his split personalities. Don't ask me about whther I saw the movie because I didn't. oooo something else you will learn about me is that I hate horror movies but I love the rush it gives me especially the jump scares. I wouldn't watch a scary movie without the comfort of others so don't expect me to watch any of them. I don't really get scared but when I do it's showcased clearly. The scariest move I have ever watched or I could veer recall was that scarecrow movie i don't know what you call it. I kinda forgot… hahahahaha see I forgot. I don't remem… oh wait! It's the "Texas Chainsaw Movie". Yep that film scared the bajeezus out of me. I just pause gain and forgot my train of thought. Umm I don't know what to say and I pretty much expressed all of my emotions. If anyone has even gotten up to reading this part I would like to apologize for my weirdness. I don't know what I am writing or even know if any of this is specific or helpful in any way. I feel like I'm talking to a therapist which is weird cause I never talked or seen a therapist ever in my life and suddenly feel like I'm talking to one maybe it's from the tons of therapist scenes I see in movies and tv shows. Uh what else can I say about myself. I like strawberries( that's my default information). Uh holdon I need to click on replay. Okay uh feel like this is a biography or autobiography to be correct. What else can I say about myself. I'm 18. Did I say that already. Uh I like to sing or try to sing and no I am not that person that has the most angelic voice and says they can't sing. I literally can't sig. some days I have this miracle where I can sing or yell out these falsetto notes and other times I sound like a goat specifically a lost one looking for its mother. I don't know what I am talking about. It sounds like I am writing gibberish. Uh I have an obsession with superheroes (holy crap I just scrolled up and saw how much I wrote in like 20 minutes) lol never done that before. Anyways uh wait I have to click on replay and I'm sorry if it's a little annoying that I am writing or typing everything I am doing including my actions but that's how I concentrate. Anyways hold on while i press replay this song is really truly inspirational by the way anyway hold on. Ok I'm back,. And I just moved from the most comfortable spot I have been for the past twenty minutes. And it was a really good spot… dang it. Ok what was I talking about? Oh yeah ummm superheroes ( I just scrolled up to see what I was talking about last) umm I am obsessed with superheroes whther they are from DC or Marvel I am obseesed with a lot of them. Please don't ask me if I know the difference from dc and marvel in the comments section or if there is even a comment section. I don't know the difference.. I researched it a while ago and read about it and still don't really know the difference except that there are different superheroes in it and right now marvel is killing the game with their movies no offense to dc and dc is killing the game with their tv shows no offense to marvel. Umm my two favorites right now from the tv shows at least are the green arrow and the flash. And my favorites from the movies are spiderman because I recently saw the movie that came out in july this year (this year being that it's 2017) and it was amazing. I also have a man crush on chris evans who plays captain America, and chris hemsworth who plays thor. They are hunks…and that's all I'm going to say for now. I also have a woman crush on the badass otherwise known as black widow a.k.a. scarlett johannseen (I feel like I spelled her last name wrong and Microsoft word is validating that feeling). Ok umm I love these superheroes so to all the superhero obseessors (is that a word, cause Microsoft word is saying no) anywas to the superhero fanatics hit me up cause yah girl want to talk about superheroes. Or wants someone that is interested in superheroes to talk about superheroes with. After typing non stop I just realized that my mind is like an 8-yr old me. I did not know my vocabulary or my default vocabulary if this miniscule and non-advance. I need to build it up in the future. I don't know if that made sense but that's what I thought about in my mind. Now I am also obsessed with musicals.. yes I said musicals I don't how I gain this interest but I love musicals especially playing the parts of the charcters in the songs. I love bring it on the musical, Hamilton of course, umm hairspray, grase, and crap I forgot the other one. I recently found out about david Hansen and I really want to hear some the musicals. I just haven't gotten to doing that yet. Musicals help me concentrate I guess or I just love how the sound resonates with me and how the voices of these artists mesh together and create these beautiful angelic notes and melodies. I just love the togetherness expressed in these musicals. Okay huh what else can I talk about. Uh I like to ummm I like to watch youtube videos. Especially vlogs yes I said vlogs also known as video blogs. Whther their family, couples, or one person vlogs I love watching them. I am currently interested in (don’t hate me for this) Logan Paul Vlogs. Yes I said it. I love watching logan paul on youtube. I started watching when youtube recommended me. I'm pretty sure the first one I watched was the chloe one or when he communicated with a girl through a starbucks store glass window. Yep all the things I just said is true. So the date when that video was posted is when i started watching logan paul. I never really knew about him but after that vlog wait hold on I think the other old one I watched a long time ago was one with him and iphones. I think it was a giveaway. I watched that one. And now as I am typing it, it could have been the first video I watched. Anyways umm what was I saying? Uh after watching those vlogs I was hooked. I have never laughed as much to a youtuber as I have watching logan do stupid stuff(sorry but they are stupid). He's is just this funny charismatic dude. And I can't stop watching (hahaha I sound like a stalker) (which I shouldn't be laughing at… sorry). Okay I am totally wiped this message has become a long paragraph and I mean long ass paragraph about nothing but me talking about myself and my problems. So I'm sorry if I have wasted your time. I have never been this focused in writing a document this long non stop without signing into any social media outlets. Hold on my dad is calling me. That was my dad. He just called to know how we were. And by we I meant my siblings and I. he and my mom are at work right now. I love them to death. And now I am tired like I have nothing to talk about anymore. My creative juices are gone. I feel empty like I can't say anything like I have said all the things I needed to. I don't know where I'm going to post this. Or of I should even post this. I don't even know if people are interested In opening this. Umm maybe I can put this on my tumblr page. Yep I have a tumblr page . I created it a while ago and haven't used it at all except to post a message describging my account and what I would have been doing with it like posting topics that matter to me and talking about it. Maybe this could be my starter page or book hahaha get it cause this doc is long as hell. Sorry for that stupid remark. Ok uh maybe I can post those on my tumblr page. This could a diary session of mines. I never really had a diary. Like I had diariy like notebooks but I was forcing mysaelf to be like that typical person of expressing their feelings down on a notebook like the movies portray when they are showing teenage girl and what they do. I know that's not what happens now because a lot has changed. Not going into that topic right now because that would add an extra 4 pages to a message I expected to be 1 page or no not 1 page but 1 very short ass paragraph. Crap I lost focus again which is weird cause I never even had focus in this doc. Umm I don't what I'm going to do next. right now I'm going to put my tumblr profile to use and showcase my feeling and thoughts that sounded weird… thoughts and feelings… okay uh yeah that's what im going to do. I'm not aiming to collect an audience or even have an audience reading this. I am going to use tumblr as my therapy sessions or a folder holding records or transcripts of my sessions of me talking to myself. That did not make any sense. Okay I'm leaving. I'm tired. And by leaving I don't really mean physically leaving I just mean i am leaving this document and uploading it on tumblr. Okay bye uh I don't know what to call it or this,. Uh bye thing. And starting now i am going to record the date and time I started and finish each of my sessions. Since did not come up with that idea before I started typing I don't have a specific time of when I started typing so I'm going to leave the start time blank. Okay now I'm just blabbering see ya later thing. Dani out hahaha that was lame.

p.s. I apologize after advance for the lack of paragraphs and indentations. I did not think about how hard it would be to read this thing. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. Okay bye thing. Also the grammars may make it hard to read. I am not going to correct them unless it's really hard to make out what I'm saying sorry but I am tired of trying to be perfect. Okay that sounded harsh. Sorry gain. Okay for real this time.. bye thing.

End time – 8:21 p.m. Date of Session – 7/31/17 Word Count (minus the recording details I am typing in right now and this parentheses info) – 3,126

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