#usereddiekzpbrak

[saintflint]

for love, and the resilience it gives to us all

warsan shire, ‘backwards,’ mary oliver from ‘the ponds,’ house of life, from ‘the lord of the rings: the two towers,’ dir. peter jackson, philip larkin, ‘an arundel tomb,’ images from miscellaneous sources

[saintflint]

4/28/20 — song for loneliness

[saintflint]

Boris Borys Volodymyrovych Pavlikovsky — Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“He’d grown up to be good-looking. Even at his gawkiest and most pinched he’d always had a likable shrewdness about him, lively eyes and a quick intelligence, but he’d lost that half-starved rawness and everything else had come together the right way. His skin was weather-beaten but his clothes fell well, his features were sharp and nervy, cavalry hero by way of concert pianist; and his tiny gray snaggleteeth—I saw—had been replaced by a standard-issue row of all-American whites. […] It occurred to me that despite his faults, which were numerous and spectacular, the reason I’d liked Boris and felt happy around him from almost the moment I’d met him was that he was never afraid. You didn’t meet many people who moved freely through the world with such a vigorous contempt for it and at the same time such oddball and unthwartable faith in what, in childhood, he had liked to call ‘the Planet of Earth.’”

[saintflint]

moodboard request: for my lovely babs, who asked for a stucky moodboard

[saintflint]

moodboard request: for the anon who asked for a cottagecore eddie kaspbrak moodboard

[saintflint]

moodboard request: for my beautiful friend, maddie, who asked for a moodboard of the vegas chapters in “the goldfinch”

[saintflint]

Fem!AU Boris Pavlikovsky & Theo Decker — Las Vegas

“We looked at each other and just laughed; everything was hysterically funny, even the playground slide was smiling at us, and at some point, deep in the night, when we were swinging on the jungle gym and showers of sparks were flying out of our mouths, I had the epiphany that laughter was light, and light was laughter, and that this was the secret of the universe.”

[saintflint]

moodboard request: for the anon who asked for werewolf richie tozier

[saintflint]

what is life if not learning to love again and again and again?

[saintflint]

Pippa Blackwell — Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

“‘Well—’ She shook her head— ‘The concert scenes. The look of those rehearsal halls. Because, you know—’ Rubbing her arms— ‘It was really, really hard. Practice, practice, practice—six hours a day—my arms would ache from holding the flute up—and, well, I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of it too, that positive—thinking crap that it’s so easy for teachers and physical therapists to dole out— ‘Oh, you can do it!’ ‘We believe in you!’—and falling for it and working hard and working harder and hating yourself because you’re not working hard enough, thinking it’s your fault you’re not doing better and working even harder and then— well.’”

[saintflint]

okay the thing though, the one thing that absolutely murders me about richie and eddie remembering everything they lost, everything they were, after a twenty-seven year long ache neither of them could ever define is that richie’s memories flying through his shattering brain at the speed of light— the second after he hangs up on mike and he already feels the bile already churning at the back of his throat —all his memories and flashing images would be [summer nights filled with fireflies and mosquito bites][endless afternoons splashing in the quarry, his glasses tossed carelessly away][hours playing street fighter in a noisy, crowded arcade with a chocolate haired, slightly smaller boy, all freckles and bright red shorts and laughing and laughing, happy and beautiful][a fussing, too-fast voice always itching and fighting for the last word in][his own scrapped knees and cuts hastily covered with dozens of unnecessary bandages by shaking, soft hands][a crinkled nose and honey-warm brown eyes slightly squinting before letting out a loud, almost crazed laugh at one of his dumb jokes][lazy days crammed in a too small hammock with comics passed back and forth too close, too sweaty but somehow never close enough][that soft, soft hand clasped around his wrist as searing as a burn][and that ache— that same goddamn ache he’s felt every waking hour of his fucked adult existence —soothed and glowing brighter and more golden then the sun when he stares down into that ridiculously freckled face that finally has a name] but for eddie— for poor, desperately lonely eddie —it hits him even worse because in his limbo-existence and decaying marriage he’s convinced himself for over a decade that he’s fine he’s fine he’s fine but then mike calls and he ends up in a collision that isn’t half as bad as the spiraling in his brain at that moment, all the memories hitting him like a semi-truck and he’s sitting there, his car completely totaled but all he can see, the very first image that bursts and overwhelms his mind is [blinding terror ready to choke him alive and in the midst of it are hands on his face and wide dark eyes hidden behind too big glasses and a voice just begging him to keep looking keep looking keep looking][the feeling of complete safety even while drowning in his fears][a fierce savage voice screaming WELCOME TO THE LOSERS CLUB, ASSHOLE and feeling so proud, so goddamn proud to be standing there even surrounded by all that darkness][two incredibly familiar initials at the top of the street fighter leaderboard][snorting laugher paired with wild curls that annoyingly could never stay straight and always looked stupidly, perfectly windswept][a steady if spindly hand gripping his shoulder during his worst panic attacks][gangly limbs climbing up the tree outside his house and crashing gracelessly through the window into his bedroom][cigarette smoke— not his own —circling his head in slow tendrils up into a late august sky][a crooked smile that is always teasing, often smirking, and always so full of something eddie could never quite read and always wanted to spend hours decoding] and eddie wants to weep and weep and weep because he remembers that fucking look behind that stupid, irresistible grin and he finally remembers a name and he knows, he finally fucking knows what that look always meant even when they were both fourteen and didn’t know anything but the sad town they were born into and they’re just both hit so fast by all of it like can you even imagine how they felt in those first moments of remembering everything, can you—

[saintflint]

little women (2019) changed me irrevocably, it took my insides and rearranged them, it forced me back into the mind and the soul of the girl i was a lifetime ago and suddenly i was there caught in the middle of life with my siblings running and arguing and laughing around me and i was there on the couch again pressed against my big sister’s chest, her arm around me, her hand in my hair, letting me cry, letting me break, and holding me through it all in a way no one else ever could or ever will and making me feel so sheltered, so safe and warm, warmth like candle light, like the spring sun, like lights on a christmas tree; but it also relit the fire in my lungs i thought i’d burnt out and made me want to dance, want to write, want to scream my happiness to the stars, want to leave something on this earth that is more than just myself, and it made me look in the mirror at all my memories, the most joyful to the most heartbreaking, and just realize again what i’d forgotten but known since birth; that love is the beginning and the end of everything and if all i ever do in this life, if all i am ever remembered for is having loved and loved and loved and loved, that would be enough and i don’t even know, maybe this story, this film won’t hit others the same way but it’s been an hour since the credits ended and i’m home and listening to my sisters and brother bicker at the kitchen table and my eyes are still burning from too many tears and my nose is clogged and all i can do is smile and smile and smile and smile

[saintflint]

my lovelies, last night i reached my next follower goal. never would i have ever thought that i would wind up with 2k followers yet here i am. this isn’t really a “follow forever” with my whole blogroll and all that, just a thank you to a few beautiful individuals who have made my five years (holy shit five years) on this blog wonderfully beautiful and turned this often turbulent site into a place that always feels like coming home:

🍊✨🧡 @gentlepeople — @apricaughts — @margaretatwoof — @gayphoebewallerbridge — @ppeachicetea — @frogandtoadpdf — @bumblena — @jomcrch — @frissliebe — @titanic97 — @loverstop — @peachpdf — @cescedes — @mushstool — @bikenight — @lesbianmuslimgal — @ophanic — @1990danieljohnston — @27yrslater — @thotfuss — @wutheringheights1978 — @mackereltins — @filmbitch — @spacewitch — @kabbalicgay — @donnatarttpdf — @myellenficent — @littleweirdsmp3 — @farmcorelynch — @paperbagmp3 — @bogbaby — @successsionhbo — @eddiemylovee — @chamomillles — @unaccidentage — @gracetowns — @dykehader — @edddiekaspbraks — @foreheadtouch — @lovesickens — @hotknifetheory 🧡✨🍊

( p.s. special shoutout to these mutuals who i’ve come to love and think of as my dear, wonderful friends, all who have genuinely been there for me again and again when i had no one else: @foxesmouth — @dinasydstan — @daenersys — @nycs — @ratatouiile — @enjols — @halfwild — @ode2lovers — @marianotfe )

[saintflint]

okay i read this brilliant and sad post and it got me thinking about richie again and yeah, i know at this point we’re kinda past this but i still can’t help but think it’s interesting that richie doesn’t have a personal encounter with pennywise until AFTER they first go to neibolt......his first encounter is after bowers screams slurs at him in the arcade......like the implications of that

i will continue okay so pennywise approaches and encounters ALL of the losers early on in chapter one, all before they first go to neibolt SO the only thing RICHIE first sees of pennywise is in bill’s garage but even then, he summons his courage with everyone else and goes because it’s bill and bill’s so determined and angry and broken-hearted he goes for his friend and HE ONLY LEAVES after EDDIE is hurt and BILL seems to completely disregard this and everyone else’s safety

all this to say that even though, of course, he does go after richie the first time in neibolt (with neibolt!eddie leading him into the room full of clowns, mocking richie’s supposed “fear” and neibolt!eddie’s head throwing up whatever that black shit was in front of him) pennywise finally taunts richie specifically BY HIMSELF with the paul bunyan statue (that literally actually says “you want a piece of this”) when richie feels that he is finally and truly alone

MEANING that as much as we know richie knows he’s gay, obviously knows what that means in his world, i think it’s almost telling how pennywise didn’t go after him until after he felt that his closest friends, his only friends had abandoned him......almost as if to say that he could’ve kept lying, kept suppressing, kept hiding from himself behind his jokes and outward confidence but that’s all stripped away when he feels that his one final shield of protection, his friends are gone. that’s when his fear finally becomes vulnerable enough for pennywise to discover it

because when eddie asks him what he’s afraid of, he hesitates then lies because his deepest fear isn’t clowns, it’s his own self......because unlike all the other losers who are all able to admit to each other their deepest fears, their fears aren’t secrets— richie’s fear is the only secret

....“I KNOW YOUR SECRET, YOUR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET”...

[saintflint]

moodboard request: for my beautiful friend, who asked for a moodboard of spring and summer love; the sweet, pure kind of love mitski sings of in “strawberry blond” and sufjan sings of in “the predatory wasp of the palisades is out to get us”

[saintflint]

so stephen king, andy muschietti, jack dylan grazer, finn wolfhard, james ransone, and bill hader actually said “gay rights” huh