#userautumn

[meyhew]

ah. hm. you know what makes me insane (genuinely) is that none of these people actually gave a shit about liam unless they were punching down on him. caveat: i am not excusing his actions, not by a mile. liam died, and it hurts us. but from maya's perspective, her abuser died today, and i can understand the enormous and complicated relief of that too. so this isn't about her. but. the level of unjustified hatred he receives even in death is. yeah. it's going to make me enraged, because like. every moment spent in the public eye, liam was subjected to bullying and abuse. whether from their management back in the 1D days (yeah! i still remember that shit!) or from their "fans." like. these things don't just happen in a vacuum, people don't break because they experience five seconds of trauma and that was it. there were so many contributing factors to liam's spiral. years of abuse that had nothing to do with his ex. and no one cared! they mocked him and they will mock him still and they will celebrate his death and then when it's someone they like, they'll say "man, how can we let this happen, we need to take the warning signs seriously" like !!!! YEAH. YEAH THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT. AND NONE OF YOU DID. jesus fuck

SAY! THAT! i have not seen a single person i follow excuse anything he did to maya or anyone else. but i have seen people who have continuously looked at liam in bad faith, regardless of context, say that this is so awful and he was so young etc and it’s like. you were dog piling on him! way way way before maya henry said anything incriminating! his death is not about maya henry, his death is about him and the mistreatment and abuse he started receiving when he was a kid that went unchecked and unresolved and turned him into a kind of person he did not want to be. it’s not like he was unaware of his problems. he spoke about his addiction. he spoke about his relationships and the regrets he had and his desire to get better—he just didn’t get the help he needed!!!!!! that can happen to literally anyone. i’m not going to forgive him for his mistakes bc that’s not my place but i sure as hell can and will be bitter about people who think they can say this is a tragedy while they were actively contributing to it

[dadbodbuck]

WE'RE BREAKING UP

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THIS TO ME.

WHY WOULD YOU TYPE THIS WORDS WITH YOUR FINGERS AND THEN PRESS POST.

GET AWAY FROM ME

hi jack unfortunately we got married when you weren't looking so you have to pay for an attorney :/

anyway

Buck texts him I need to talk to you and Christopher knows it’s going to be a bad day. He was actually thinking about coming home over Thanksgiving break—it’s not as clean as going back over Christmas, but he misses Denny (who’s been telling him a lot about his cool new sister during their nightly meme exchange), and he misses his school friends (even if they’re exhausting to be around sometimes), and worst of all he misses his family. He misses his dad, he misses Buck. He even misses Tommy—despite only having met him a few times, he knows he’s been good for Buck and for his dad. 

He liked seeing his dad smiling so much when he first started hanging out with Tommy, before her. He liked the way Tommy talked to him like an adult with his own thoughts and opinions. He liked the way Tommy talked about Buck, even though it was kind of gross seeing a grown man swoon that much.

But then. I need to talk to you. And it all comes crumbling down around him. Buck even has the nerve to follow it up with Can I call you? like some sort of therapist or school administrator. Chris opts for a video call, because he’s not eighty years old, and when Buck picks up, his eyes are bloodshot, his face is pale, and he’s nestled in his bed like a stereotypical teenager girl after she gets dumped.

Oh. Oh no. “What,” Chris says, and he kind of regrets the video call now, because Buck flinches back like he’s been physically hit.

“Uh, hey!” Buck says, trying to recover and failing miserably. The smile he plasters on his face looks so forced it’s painful, “How’s Texas in November treating you?”

Chris looks at Buck and decides to play nice. Just a little. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but you sounded like you had something important to talk about.”

“You’re right,” Buck sighs, “I’m procrastinating. I just wanted to let you know that Tommy and I have decided not to see each other anymore.”

And, yeah, Chris is pretty sure he knew this was coming, but it still makes him want to cry, or bite something, or throw his phone into the lake. “What happened?”

“Well—uh—Chris, I don’t—the details really aren’t important,” Buck says, with a wince, “What is important is that I love you, and your dad loves you, and just because Tommy won’t be around doesn’t mean you won’t have our support. I’m really sorry, bud. I know you liked him.”

It blindsides Chris, and he doesn’t know why. He should’ve seen this coming a mile away. He shouldn’t have gotten attached. He never should have sat down to watch The Batman with his dad and Tommy and stolen Tommy’s popcorn and talked shit on Buck’s taste in Star Wars Prequels. 

“What did you do?” Chris asks, feeling a startling rage building in his throat. It’s familiar, now. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he knows this is Buck’s fault. Buck looks like a dog that pissed on the carpet and is waiting for you to step on the wet spot.

Buck clears his throat, and visibly weighs truth and comfort in his mind. “I asked him to move in with me. It was—it was too fast—”

“You asked him to move in with you?” Chris balks, “He has a house!”

“I wasn’t thinking!” Buck hisses, “Listen, I know I fu—messed up. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am, Chris. But it—it was the best decision for both of us.”

“You’re lying,” Chris seethes, because he knows so, so intimately the look of an adult lying to protect his innocence. “He made you happy. He made dad happy.”

Buck looks away, chin trembling, and Chris feels bad for all of three seconds before the rage consumes every other feeling in his chest. “Call me back when you find someone who wants to stay. Otherwise, keep your love life away from me. And maybe you stay away from me too.”

Chris ends the call, and two seconds later Buck is ringing him again. Chris doesn’t pick up, just sets his phone on his desk and buries his face in his arms. He doesn’t want to cry. He did too much of that after he got to El Paso the first time. But he’s going to miss Tommy. He’s going to miss seeing his dad smile like that. He’s going to miss the dopey lovesick way Buck moved through the world.

When Chris finally composes himself, he sees two more missed video calls from Buck, and a string of texts:

Love you, buddy. Sorry you’re upset. Call later to talk? Or call your therapist?

I really am sorry. I thought Tommy was going to stay too.

Text me pls? So I know you’re ok

Chris texts back: im fine. we’ll be fine. i need some time and gets a response almost immediately.

OK. Take the time you need. Your dad says if you decide to come back and you’re still mad you won’t have to see me if you don’t want to

Chris, always being left behind, feels a sick surge of satisfaction at the prospect. He could be the one who leaves. He can cut his losses before they’re fatal, he can amputate the limb before it goes septic. He texts Buck a single k back and does not examine the way something in the back of his head tells him, quite viciously, that this isn’t the first time that Buck’s been left this week.

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

you being a ryan/eddie mustache hater........ have to give you the sic semper tyrannis treatment. it was nice knowing you, Abe

I cannot BELIEVE you would betray me like this LOOK AT WHAT THEY DID TO OUR PRINCESS. I DIE DEFIANT!

[bigassbowlingballhead]

the fact that you're only 33ish is blowing my mind a bit. i for sure thought you were, like, 37/38.

i'm a 34 year old who acts like they're 70. i shuffle around my house in my sweaters with my grey hair and go to bed promptly at 7pm

[mistchievous]

MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN POLL, JESSICA MISTMARAUDER

I MAKE POLLS ALL THE TIME. I WAS TRYNA DO YOURS!

[malinaa]

hi pookie 💕 i would LOVE to read more plays this year. any suggestions? 🎤

hiiiiiii jack <3 i LOVE PLAYS. haven't read as many as i'd like tho but:

ANTIGONE by jean anouilh — it's what u wld expect ANTIGONICK* by anne carson — yet again what u wld expect EURYDICE by sarah ruhl — orpheus and eurydice but somehow worse and her father is part of it in such a nasty way 'NIGHT MOTHER by marsha norman — suicidal daughter prepping for her death while talking to her mom FOOL FOR LOVE by sam shephard — toxic couple but with a fun liddle twist THE LAST DAYS OF JUDAS ISCARIOT by stephen adly guirgis — kinda like a courtroom case for judas...actually vile to read ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD** by tom stoppard — kind of a meta view of two side characters from hamlet, or as emma wld say, the tragedy of two side characters stuck in the tragedy of a larger main character, or as seed would say, hamlet's friends die

*i wld recommend reading anouilh's ANTIGONE before ANTIGONICK bc it's a "loose" translation of sophocles' ANTIGONE

**this is only if you like HAMLET enough tbh but the tragedy in this is DISGUTINGGGGG

and if u want them they're probably in my liddle digital library <3

[ravipanikking]

happy birthday kj!! 🎉 my love, you'll never know the depth of the pride i feel for the fact that you've survived another year but just know it's deep and plenty. this year was hard for you in places but you fought like hell and you came out on the other side with a deeper, fuller knowledge of yourself and that alone is worth celebrating. you're a champion and a hero to me, and i hope this day and this year are so so good to you and that you are filled with an unquenchable joy that lasts a lifetime. love you 🫶🏾💕

JACK MY BELOVED YOU'RE SO AMAZING THANK YOU!!!

Your words mean more than I can express. I'm so grateful for your and our friendship. Thank you so much for your beautiful and touching words 🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵

[firefamfandompositivity]

lowkey in love w @userautumn. i check out her blog like im reading the morning paper.

[jakeperalta]

oh my god your autumn theme is so pretty

thanks jack!! 🧡

[insecuregodcomplex]

Dick Grayson was Batman's first Robin before he went to Bludhaven and became Nightwing so you would have a FANTASTIC mentor tbh

oh amazing! that also makes sense why i at least recognize the name. thank you!!

[freewayshark]

happy birthday, love! hope the rest of the day is puke free and very fun/relaxing. ily ❤️

Hahaha thank you Jack ❤️

[dadbodbuck]

hii you're in my notifs so i'm giving u a forehead kiss. love u <3

HIIII JACK I LOVE U TOO <3 in my mind we are having soup and i am letting you talk me into watching star trek

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

*taps mic* hi yes hello are you aware that i love you a ton 🎤

*tearing up* hi hello are you aware of what a wonderful person you are and that I love you bunches?

[bigassbowlingballhead]

watching u turn into a trekkie in real time is so fun

it's ur fault jack

[honestlydarkprincess]

hi sweetheart <3 i love you, i hope your brain stops making you depressed soon but even if it doesn't, know that on all levels except physical, i am cuddling you and also feeding you soup (or your preferred comfort food) until things get better. mwah! <3

WAAAAA ILYSM 🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖 you’re so sweet my love i appreciate you soooo much<333

[malinaa]

OKAY YES!!!! i like going into books completely blind so pick one and surprise me and let me know which one we're reading ✌🏾😗

HEHEHEHEHE i was just thinking of picking up the next book in the series (PETALS ON THE WIND) but we cld read her standalone (MY SWEET AUDRINA) if u wish 😋