#uselessbard

[uselessbard1031]

New pfp on Ao3 and Tumblr because I dyed my hair a while ago and have been vibeing with an Airbender nature more than Earth these days. Learning to let go.

[uselessbard1031]

Updates, Fanfiction, and Sylvia Plath...

“If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.” -- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I have a finishing problem. There, I've done the first step. I have a problem of getting down a path, getting close to the next step of that path, and going 'wait oops what if I want this other thing instead?' I do not know why I do this, but I do. Example A is the almost completed final chapter of Burnout sitting in google drive beside the two and a half chapter yet unpublished BG3 fanfic that leapfrogged over my thirteen chapter vampire novel that was only started when I had two scenes left of my detective novel.

The point is, I'm neurotic, lol. But I don't want to be.

This New Year, which I am starting right now because New Year's resolutions hardly last statistically, but which I am still calling a New Year's resolution for the simple matter of it sounds more motivating than a goal or a decision, I am going to try to finish my writing projects. Nope. Goals are supposed to be worded in definites. I will finish my writing projects (barring that I don't for one reason or another).

I'm putting my mind to it. Starting with Burnout. It's almost done and I just have to put my ass in a chair and finish it. Something I didn't do today in favor of writing something completely different that I may not even ever publish. But I'll do it. And soon, to prove I can and because you all deserve it for sticking with me this far haha.

If you've read to the end of this little update, then I will reward you with a little tease of my Baulder's Gate fanfiction. Will it ever be published? Maybe. Not sure. Depends if I even finish it. No, bad bard, you will finish it because you will be finishing things from now on. But currently it's just a hobby work. Still, I hope this little bit of chapter one makes you laugh or grin. It's set as the protagonist, Carmilla Kane (A Dungeons and Dragons OC of mine) chats with the quasit that Jekyll and Hydes her soul:

"Avernus is a cruel place. With it's crimson sky and craggy juts of volcanic rock it is what most people first imagine when they think of the hells. Volcanoes constantly flooding with lava illuminate the corpses and broken weapons of a constant battlefield and every breath of air assaults your nose with the smell of iron and blood from the river Styx. Clouds of ash lay heavy over the landscape, often bursting into spontaneous fireballs that mar both devil and demon. This may be a land of lawful evil, but this hellscape knows no alliance. The frontline of an eternal war, it's not a place many would choose to call home. But who here has a choice?

Boo! Boo! Uzuh Shabarra! First Carmilla fucks a devil and now Carmilla goes to work meeting for a devil! Shame! Shame!

"Good morning to you too, Dice," I mumble, still not sure how crazy it makes me to be talking to the demon voice in my head.

Boo! Boo! Boo! No fun! Let's skip the meeting. Let's kill something -- oo! Oo! Let's go tell Ardorach that Humusi is fucking an imp.

"But she's not."

But it would be so funny!

"Dice, we have to play by their rules, remember?"

Boo! Boo! Rules are boring! Carmilla is boring! 

"I--"

Boo! Boooo!

He's only going to get louder. It's through a chorus of boos that I make my way to the Basalt Citadel. By the time I arrive I feel twenty brain cells lighter and about twenty seconds from snapping. 

"Dice?" I say sweetly.

Uzuh shabarra! Carmilla shabarra!

"You're about to be ug if you don't quiet down." I pause. No response. Good. "Look, your life and mine both depend on Zariel's mood. If she starts to think we're unstable, my soul will be drop kicked Hades and you'll be stuck in the abyss again. So we have to behave, alright? At least for the council. After that, I'll take you down to Nebo's where you can reap as much chaos as this body can take. Alright? Deal?"

…Ngae amagi ibashen. Fineeee. 

"Good. Now keep quiet. I can't listen to the devils if you're shouting in my head."

Hehe!

"Dice," I scold.

Ugh! 

I wait. One. Two. Three seconds of silence proves his ceded temper so I head inside."

Abyssal Translations (Sumerian):

Uzuh Shabarra -- Unclean Bastard.

Shabarra -- Bastard

Ug -- Dead

Ngae amagi ibashen -- I crave freedom

[uselessbard1031]

If I had a nickel for every time UselessBard wrote a woman in an abusive relationship that wears a coin around her neck given to her by a sexy evil older woman I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice.

[uselessbard1031]

Burnout Readers RN

Burnout Readers: Oh wow, they're cuddling! Awe, it's just a matter of time. Lin confessed?! How exciting! Wow, I sure appreciate UselessBard; They would never just leave me hanging.

Me: *Silently sitting here knowing I already have two more arcs planned after The Fire Ferrets and neither of them have so much as a kiss planned*

Also Me: *Knowing I can make this post and drive you all crazy because I'm God* 😈😌😇

[azulatte]

dear uselessbard you're a criminal

Exaggerated preview of Burnout - Chapter 20

Izumi: So, Y/N is a friend of yours?

Lin: No.

Izumi: It must be strange having her stay with you then.

Lin Externally: Not really; she's stayed here before. It's nice to have someone around who cooks for you.

Lin Internally: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT; I BET SHE NEVER COOKED FOR YOU, BITCH!