#uselessbard

[uselessbard1031]

New pfp on Ao3 and Tumblr because I dyed my hair a while ago and have been vibeing with an Airbender nature more than Earth these days. Learning to let go.

[uselessbard1031]

Updates, Fanfiction, and Sylvia Plath...

“If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.” -- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I have a finishing problem. There, I've done the first step. I have a problem of getting down a path, getting close to the next step of that path, and going 'wait oops what if I want this other thing instead?' I do not know why I do this, but I do. Example A is the almost completed final chapter of Burnout sitting in google drive beside the two and a half chapter yet unpublished BG3 fanfic that leapfrogged over my thirteen chapter vampire novel that was only started when I had two scenes left of my detective novel.

The point is, I'm neurotic, lol. But I don't want to be.

This New Year, which I am starting right now because New Year's resolutions hardly last statistically, but which I am still calling a New Year's resolution for the simple matter of it sounds more motivating than a goal or a decision, I am going to try to finish my writing projects. Nope. Goals are supposed to be worded in definites. I will finish my writing projects (barring that I don't for one reason or another).

I'm putting my mind to it. Starting with Burnout. It's almost done and I just have to put my ass in a chair and finish it. Something I didn't do today in favor of writing something completely different that I may not even ever publish. But I'll do it. And soon, to prove I can and because you all deserve it for sticking with me this far haha.

If you've read to the end of this little update, then I will reward you with a little tease of my Baulder's Gate fanfiction. Will it ever be published? Maybe. Not sure. Depends if I even finish it. No, bad bard, you will finish it because you will be finishing things from now on. But currently it's just a hobby work. Still, I hope this little bit of chapter one makes you laugh or grin. It's set as the protagonist, Carmilla Kane (A Dungeons and Dragons OC of mine) chats with the quasit that Jekyll and Hydes her soul:

"Avernus is a cruel place. With it's crimson sky and craggy juts of volcanic rock it is what most people first imagine when they think of the hells. Volcanoes constantly flooding with lava illuminate the corpses and broken weapons of a constant battlefield and every breath of air assaults your nose with the smell of iron and blood from the river Styx. Clouds of ash lay heavy over the landscape, often bursting into spontaneous fireballs that mar both devil and demon. This may be a land of lawful evil, but this hellscape knows no alliance. The frontline of an eternal war, it's not a place many would choose to call home. But who here has a choice?

Boo! Boo! Uzuh Shabarra! First Carmilla fucks a devil and now Carmilla goes to work meeting for a devil! Shame! Shame!

"Good morning to you too, Dice," I mumble, still not sure how crazy it makes me to be talking to the demon voice in my head.

Boo! Boo! Boo! No fun! Let's skip the meeting. Let's kill something -- oo! Oo! Let's go tell Ardorach that Humusi is fucking an imp.

"But she's not."

But it would be so funny!

"Dice, we have to play by their rules, remember?"

Boo! Boo! Rules are boring! Carmilla is boring! 

"I--"

Boo! Boooo!

He's only going to get louder. It's through a chorus of boos that I make my way to the Basalt Citadel. By the time I arrive I feel twenty brain cells lighter and about twenty seconds from snapping. 

"Dice?" I say sweetly.

Uzuh shabarra! Carmilla shabarra!

"You're about to be ug if you don't quiet down." I pause. No response. Good. "Look, your life and mine both depend on Zariel's mood. If she starts to think we're unstable, my soul will be drop kicked Hades and you'll be stuck in the abyss again. So we have to behave, alright? At least for the council. After that, I'll take you down to Nebo's where you can reap as much chaos as this body can take. Alright? Deal?"

…Ngae amagi ibashen. Fineeee. 

"Good. Now keep quiet. I can't listen to the devils if you're shouting in my head."

Hehe!

"Dice," I scold.

Ugh! 

I wait. One. Two. Three seconds of silence proves his ceded temper so I head inside."

Abyssal Translations (Sumerian):

Uzuh Shabarra -- Unclean Bastard.

Shabarra -- Bastard

Ug -- Dead

Ngae amagi ibashen -- I crave freedom

[uselessbard1031]

If I had a nickel for every time UselessBard wrote a woman in an abusive relationship that wears a coin around her neck given to her by a sexy evil older woman I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it's happened twice.

[uselessbard1031]

UselessBard1031 101

A user on Ao3 just asked me what I'm like and I realized that after these few years a few of you might like to know as well. So, I replied there and I'll repost the response here.

If any of you ever have questions about me or my stories dm me, comment! :) I really love hearing from you <3

***

"Hello!

I will start off by saying I do recognize your user name. It's still so crazy to me that I have readers who have followed me that long.

As for your query, I'm not sure what you'd like to know, so I suppose I'll just offer up a UselessBard 101, lol.

I am in my 20s, I have blue eyes and blonde curly hair; I'm 5'5 and 125ish pounds with tattoos all down my arms and an extra special top secret tattoo only very special ladies and actors sharing a changing room with me get to see ;) (my Tumblr pfp is pretty much me lol). I was going to do a face reveal during livestreaming but, as I've mentioned in some author notes, I'm starting a Cruise Ship job this month so I won't be able to do so, unfortunately. (But never say never!)

As for hobbies, I write, act (currently I work as a scare actor at a haunted house), bake, crochet, sew, do martial arts (Marcaida Kali, Krav Maga, Haitian Grappling, Mhuy Tai, Boxing, Ju Jitsu, Judo, Taekwondo, Kendo, and bits of others), I do yoga everyday along with meditation, and I love love love to read (currently reading Later by Stephen King and the Pali Canon).

My favorite color is red, specifically Crayola Crayon red, like, the color that comes out of the crayon labeled simply red. My favorite food is a garbage plate (though I'm a vegetarian and Rochester Meat Hot Sauce is a must on any plate so I just cry instead of indulging lol). My favorite book is a tie between both books in the Parker and Pentecost series by Steven Spotswood (Stephen?) (Lillian Pentecost is another one of my fictional crushes because omgodddddd that woman <3) My favorite film is Bullet Train (yes that modern one; I just love it sm and relate to Ladybug on another level).

I've been writing since, well, forever. There was this thing at my elementary school called the 'friendship pole'. It was just an old tetherball pole they had taken the ball off of when parents decided tetherball was 'too dangerous' of a game for us kids. The concept being that if you were a friendless little child, you would go sit by the pole and someone would ask you to play. Well, I'd go there every recess and sit and wait and watch other kids get asked to play and never me. It was tricky then to get a swing or slide without being 'in' with whatever group had claimed them that day. So I started bringing a notebook. That's the first time I can really remember writing for fun. By the end of fifth grade I was finsihing my first 'novel' (I have no idea if it actually met the wordcount for a novel, it was just however long a composition notebook was).

The story was called 'BroadFire' and was about a girl from a horse farm who befriended a wild horse. she had named the thing BroadFire, hence the name. Anyway, I don't remember much other than that he father didn't approve for some reason -- I think he thought it was dangerous because it was wild -- so he sought to kill it. In the original ending he did kill Broadfire, but I know my mom yelled at me for that so I think I ended up changing it, though I can't recall what to. That proves then that my original ending was definitely the best, or at least the most memorable.

I guess that's me then. Um, other labels are Buddhist, Lesbian, German/Irish American. Not really sure what more to say, so I hope I've helped you know me a bit better. <3 :)"

[uselessbard1031]

Burnout Readers RN

Burnout Readers: Oh wow, they're cuddling! Awe, it's just a matter of time. Lin confessed?! How exciting! Wow, I sure appreciate UselessBard; They would never just leave me hanging.

Me: *Silently sitting here knowing I already have two more arcs planned after The Fire Ferrets and neither of them have so much as a kiss planned*

Also Me: *Knowing I can make this post and drive you all crazy because I'm God* 😈😌😇

[azulatte]

dear uselessbard you're a criminal

Exaggerated preview of Burnout - Chapter 20

Izumi: So, Y/N is a friend of yours?

Lin: No.

Izumi: It must be strange having her stay with you then.

Lin Externally: Not really; she's stayed here before. It's nice to have someone around who cooks for you.

Lin Internally: YEAH THAT'S RIGHT; I BET SHE NEVER COOKED FOR YOU, BITCH!