#update he acknowledged theres stuff other people can do that he cant but they still have worth

[mx-paint]

the ableism on the internet is Unmatched

[nviatey]

ok heres a quick update

its 2020 i dont know why i didnt do this during the lockdown

*cue the Apparently kid*

well apparently its been about 2 years since i posted here... i havent updated in a while..

and apparently its my birthday.. and apparently ive never been 25 before LOL

> okay so xmas was great, grey day but had a lovely meal outside (tonys 7 dishes made in like 3 hours - magic) with aunty taloa, susi, both grandads, all the AKMavs, all the wellingtonians (mish tony mac) and uncle cliff present. Jake in Auckland with his humungous family lol, I should have gone with him but we’re not married yet so whatareyagunado. yashudasuckanigaddickfafree

I would like to have a special mention for Uncle Cliff who was having a riot of a time and was my talent quest partner, although we lost the comp I think we won in Xmas cheer hahahaha.

I would also like to have a special mention for Cliff’s brother, my dad lol who was my other talent quest partner and was holding it down for the bro so he could have a good time without it getting out of hand (it be like dat sometimes - cliff is alcohol dependent, misdiagnosed w schizophrenia, actually bipolar i think, regularly medicated i think, super crazy talent music art brain, constantly damned to hell by their minister father)

> ummmm the year - i had a great time in isolation sorry lol, i really liked being allowed to do nothing and not having to feel guilty for it. 

> ahhh what else im sick of being broke? well actually im okay with it and im happy to go job searching and spend another year here actually venturing out into the canterbury world, BUT: jake has decided he wants to move to australia and get rich quick lol. no opinions about it yet except weve both been floating around here for 3 years tryna do our theatre thing and nothing is working lol. (im coming to realize that there are certain people here that say they wanna support us with our artist ventures but still expect us to work for free - could be our fault because we joke about being broke all the time, but I still dont think its right. imagine you went to school for 3 years to get a paper in a thing and then people still expect you to work your qualified ass for exposure) so the mindset is, if we’re gonna switch lanes to start working shit jobs just to make money, we may as well go to a place where the shit jobs make shitloads of money.

> and to address all those broken ass posts from a while back... holy frick was i a mess. glad to say i am in a better place mentally and emotionally. i think i have matured a lot and even though i still dont think that whole situation sits right with me, i have accepted that theres nothing i can do or could have done and im ready to get the fuck on with it. 

the depression stuff was/is a lot and i realized that jake was a shitbag during my depression because hes been depressed his entire life and didnt even want to acknowledge it (call back to that other post where he said ”we all have it”) its not something i want to get into with him yet, but i keep it in the back of my mind. im strong again, im at a place where i can feel genuine empathy for him - which is an emotion jake’s robot brain knows how to identify but cant actually feel. yet. he needs help and i hope he can find it before the big leap idk if thats my job or if i just have to squeeze his hand through his journey to being a new man (this is a ref to him getting his pe’a this year woop woop)

thats all i can process atm

happy happy birthday me

[fairy-made]

I dont think I ever said anything about this, but when I replayed the skyrim romance mod after it got an update a while back, it seemed like someone read my random comments about it and like....actually tweaked the mod?? which is really cool imo. putting this under a cut since I think the mod still generally has a bad rep, even though it seems like theyre working on that in some capacity. I didnt really even know what the drama was about in the first place.

literally everything I talked about that could be fixed within a reasonable amount of time was fixed. back then (~3-4 yrs ago) I was a little more tolerant of the “bad boy, borderline abusive” type and while the character himself seems to be intentionally pushy, it seems to be a bit better. if I remember correctly, I think they cut the rapey bits and just worked around it so that bishop was still a brat about your player not wanting to have sex, but not a scary horny nutcase. theres a big difference between “youre gonna have sex with me one of these days wench!!” and “ugh, fine, be like that!” its def not A+, but it is an improvement that still suits the character. I obviously wasnt too bothered with the earlier version back then (had some stuff I was going through), but now I can see the concern, and to me its less cringey. Id have to replay it again to see how I feel exactly, but Im sure its better at least.

they re-did the whole interaction with cael so instead of him talking about how he could give you orgasms like youve never seen, hes cautious of you yet still kind of flirty. a real sweetie. I mean, I like the new bit, but he could also let me know hes dtf a little bit. lmao thats just me though. 

the one thing I did not like too much was that they added animations for the sex scenes, and that you had no choice but to sit through them (unless you said no to sex altogether). since I literally set the camera so that I could not see the sex anims, I did get to hear bishops VA during the scenes and Imma just say.......... you should hear them. even if its just the once. lmao. I read that theyre gonna cut out the sex mod dependencies so that you can just have fade to black scenes, and I am for that 1000000%. 

now I just hope it gets ported it to the special edition, because it seems waaay too hard and time consuming to do it myself. I tried to start but the list of tasks was just too long to justify working on when I have homework and other stuff to do.

outside all that, I can see why there was such a bad vibe surrounding the mod at first. it all made sense when I read about the drama on reddit, but the harshness  was a bit... much?? from what I read, the creator made some bad choices and eventually acknowledged/fixed them. her reasoning and intentions for making them could be questionable, but people are human, idk what else to say. Im just... not grabbing a pitchfork over this and I fail to see any reason to continue that now lmao. she obviously still wants to hold everything together for the mod and do things better so... Im not gonna hold a grudge even if she made bad choices. she ultimately canceled the kickstarter, and this is all ultimately over a mod. a skyrim mod. you either wanna play and support it or you dont because of very valid reasons. its up to you. but either way it just will never be that serious.

I honestly got the impression that she might be a bad person from stuff I read until I got the chance to read about everything, and then I was like wow.. she fucked up, but the worst thing she did was undone the same day it happened so...like... yall couldve just went on about your lives and left this woman alone. 

anyway, long talk. it seems like the mods at a standstill, since it hasnt been ported to the SE yet and I dont think the creator herself has made any announcements about actual updates coming soon. but I actually hope things stay positive for the mod. 

(also psa, this is for my followers/mutuals if there interested in talking about it. Ive tagged this for the sole purpose of being able to be filtered by those who dont want to hear anything about it.)

Update: so I downloaded the beta for the SE. it wasnt working for me as the dialogue would seem to break anytime after I used racemenu. I literally cant play skyrim without changing my hair, and the person in charge of the beta said to try playing it on a no-rush new game so... I kind of gave up. I had started over twice after already sinking 4-8 hours into those 2 new games, specifically for the mod, and I just didnt feel like doing it again.

Replaying the bits that I could, I will say it is... kind of cheesy. Doesnt bother me much though. I used to write bad fanfiction, so its not the worst. Its just not impervious to being... cheesy at times. Idk how to put it lol. Maybe you could say its tropey? Like something youd read in a romance novel with those dramatic traditional cover illustrations. Not bad. Just, if you hate that kinda thing, you might not be into it. Im not very critical because the alternative is like. 1 other mod? So I just dont mind.

Outside of that I kind of have no idea what my complete opinion is on it now. I intended to find out, but gave up due to modding issues. I was a little younger when I first played it, so I may have different opinions on it now. As I mentioned before my opinion of sex and certain character traits used to be different, and its changed a lot since then. Its still kind of changing even now. I still go “yeah... that was the trauma” about stuff I used to think was not so bad.

To be honest I didnt even remember having an opinion of it as cheesy a few years ago, but now after replaying for the 3rd time Im like... from what little Ive seen so far, its some pretty sharp cheddar lol. So if it is a lot worse than you felt you were led to believe from reading this, Im sorry, and you can inbox me about it. Especially since I may not ever even play the newest version.

[jadeune]

5/10

I was challenged by @kangofu-cb to do the 5/10 thing! 5 OTP and 10 facts about me!

1) Duo and Trowa from Gundam Wing. -I used to only be obsessed with Heero/Duo and Trowa/Quatre BUT after reading Two out of Three by The Manwell over on AO3 I had to open my eyes to what that could be. Like, now it seems wrong in some ways. Trowas calm collected quiet to Duos impulsive wild make them a better match to me than the homicidal Heero and Impulsive Duo. 

2) Sister Rosette and Chrno from Chrno Crusade. They are literal opposites and they complement each other so perfectly. 

3) Lady Une and Treize from Gundam Wing. To me it is basically hinted at throughout the series that shes hardcore crushing on him to the point that him saying that she basically disappointed him caused her to have split personalities. it’s not a pretty relationship, but I feel it shows the lengths that a woman will go to change herself for a man, and still not be good enough in his eyes. It seems like an over-dramatization of what people actually do in RL. 

4) Relena and Dorothy from Gundam Wing- These girls would make a power couple the likes that have never been seen! Relenas influence with Dorothy’s ability to manipulate would be hard to go up against. They would also make an amazing couple in that Dorothy tries to support Relena in her own way all the time, and Relena would have someone who would tell her when shes acting rash. They would also be great at debating each other which is so important. 

5) Ed and Winry from Fullmetal Alchemist they complement each other so well and they have that whole growing up together thing, and she can fix his metal parts, and theyre just cute in the way they interact. 

Still reading? 

1) I’m not a very interesting person. I’m a server in a restaurant and a substitute teacher. I’m also a single parent and a veteran. 

2) My little one is super awesome. Ridiculously high energy, he seriously drives me friggin nuts, and I;m so worn out by him most days. I wouldn't change the time I get with him. I have recently had him evaluated and medication suggested. I am so against it, however, he says that the other kids make fun of him because he cant sit to do a task, and that hes a loser who cant do anything right. I’m torn between my dislike of it, and seeing if it will help him so he’s not feeling that way. 

3) I went to school for illustration and video design when I was in High School, I hadnt picked up a pencil with the intent to draw anything since about 2004/2005. I am working on some stuff and hope to have it up eventually. I want to get some editing software and clean up my work that I’ve already done. I need to get a better and larger notebook for my work because the 5x7 size that i’m using really isnt working. 

4) I have severe co-morbid depression, anxiety, insomnia and PTSD. If you can figure out where one of these stops and the other begins, please let me know because they all end up rolling into one. These also dont help with the whole talking to real people or making relationships thing.

5) About a year and a half ago, I started having really really bad depression and I was looking for any way to deal with it. I had for some reason had someone say something that reminded me of a fic that I had read MANY years before, and I began searching it. That lead me to FFN which in turn lead me to AO3. I came across some amazing authors whos work just pulled me in and I needed more. They had works in progress and I kept thinking, ok, I can do this because I really want to know what will happen. Eventually it lead me to here because (I want to say @lifeaftermeteor mentioned it as being where LAM got posted first) and I enjoyed the updates. I also see MANY of those authors whos works I adore on here 

6) I totally fangirl when any of those authors acknowledge me in any way. I really am only on here to interact with you, and get updates quicker.  

7) I generally dont sleep well if at all during the night. Occasionally, I go through times of not being able to stay awake. one does not make up for the other. 

8) My monkey and I just moved out of my parents house and into our own place. some of my furniture was damaged in the move back here, and my mattress ended up with mold. So I’ve been sleeping on the couch for almost 2 months and I’m tired of it, especially because someone climbs up on the couch during the night and theres not enough room because I’m fat. LOL

9) I have a very dark sense of humor. I enjoy reading dark things and I think that people who write dark things have actually seen the darkness and thats why they can understand it to be able to write it.

10)I really just want someone of my own to love, and be friends with. someone who I can talk to whenever and I dont feel like I’m imposing on their life. It would be even better if theyre someone who doesnt mind the way I look and can love me for me. Someone I can have grown up conversations with. Because everyone wants to be loved, and cared about.

IDK who has and hasnt been tagged, so if you wanna do it, go ahead! 

[thespanglydragon]

a brief (not at all brief) update on my life until the next time I remember i have this blog and need to sort out my thoughts:

i got a 1st in my first project of the year. I find out my dissertation and second project marks next week, and if they’re both in the high 60s i might be able to graduate with a 1st overall. Which is scary, because if I could then I will feel really disappointed if i dont manage it. I cant tell how to deal with that... but a 2:1 is awesome and would be fitting. I expect that mark, I dont know if I expect a 1st. 

I’m fairly stressed in a preemptive way because of all of the work I need to be doing soon, I’m learning lots of things in these projects that I wish I’d learned last year (which I didnt learn because instead I was trying to direct a project which was another learning curve. I wish I had more time to fit in what I’m learning now, cause I wish I knew it now to make my input into my current projects all it could be). Another 6 months of this course would have done me well. 

The boy I like, I’m constantly between ‘hes cute and nice’ and ‘hes a friend’ because he is both - i’ve gotten to know him better and i like that regardless of whatever my romantic feelings are. I’m still not 100%, and it’s a crush, but I’m happy not doing anything much about it. I take the opportunity to spend more time with him, but I also do that more with my close friends anyway because I think i’m feeling that soon, once we graduate, we’ll all split off and I love these guys so much in such a gentle friendly way.

I’m feeling really good about having a crush because... for once, even though I’ve always been ‘im happy not doing anything about it’, it’s not preventing me from being the best I can be. I’m not avoiding him or feeling weird around him at all, if anything it’s making me feel more confident about myself because it just feels very nice and my life is culminating right now into a place where I feel good about myself and my friends, where I could go with my career, and having a crush is a part of life that is enjoyable, and i’m happy and surprised that i’m more confident around him than I ever was before I liked him (since we’ve been friends for almost 2 years).

That said, I’m annoyed because I’d told people a few months ago I liked him, but now another person gave away the game to another friend and it’s not something I want to go around. I know full well how I feel about him but that doesnt mean I want other people to know, mainly because of that first issue - I’m happy with him as a friend, and I dont want to disrupt that friendship because people find out and try to either force a situation, or let him know which could very easily disrupt a normal friendship. I’m getting to the point where I just want people to shut up about anything involving me and relationships - because there are also people who still bring up my ex being like ‘oh how’s he’ ‘oh what about ryan’ or making comments implying theres something there when there isn’t. Leave it. I’ve gotten over it, he has too, it was almost 2 years ago now, I dont see him much but you guys see him a lot because the friends group has gone that way. Just allow us to exist as people who arent involved in each others lives beyond being on the same course and having similar friends circles. It really pisses me off. 

However, I definitely dont help this point because I’ve developed a habit of being ruthlessly truthful as a defense mechanism, specifically about feelings. I think I got to the point where being totally accepting of my feelings, and not hiding that (in fact letting people know) about them was a good thing I got into when I was getting out of depression, cause I could accept any emotion I had at the time and do something about it, and was very unapologetic if people expressed any kind of intrigue. I used it when I was younger and depressed as a way to try to give blame to other people by making them feel guilty, but it turned into just not letting me blame myself for the illness. Growing out of that kind of means now, I’m overly happy to share my feelings or secrets, when in reality I dont really want people in on the situation. I’m slowly trying to learn about .... emotional modesty? I dont need people to know everything I’ve ever felt, I dont need to tell my every hearts desire or secret. I think acknowledging that is part of me feeling much better about myself and my life in general that’s been happening over the past year - I dont feel like I need other people’s validation to be happy (which is something that plagued me in first year). But I just need to get out of the habit of being so wanting of attention in that way. I’m good as I am, people do like me, I have awesome friends who love me, I dont need some kind of extra quirk or something that will make me interesting.

Oh, and my parents got a new puppy!!!! and i went to an AWESOME harry potter quiz with alcoholic (and delicious) butterbeer that was waaaaaay better than the stuff you get at the studios tbh, me and my sisters and co came 15th out of about 50 which isn’t bad considering some of the rounds were so hard I’m amazed people actually got any answers (such as naming the specific scene a short clip of music was from - and they were obscure like ‘the first time the staircase moves in the first film’ but not when they go into the out of bounds corridor etc)

I’ve also gotten into a routine (something I’m sure 16 year old me would attack me for) of being in uni by 10 (soon to turn to 9), staying tile 8 each night, doing work, not letting myself have facebook on my main computer screen, and i’m really... enjoying it? Posting my collaboration work on the group each evening to recieve feedback. We had two media weeks (bit like reading weeks) where I was in every day, and now lessons have started back again I’m getting annoyed cause I cant do as much work as usual because lectures are getting in the way! I’m really liking it!  It’s really nice to feel because the routine is making me feel better, sleep better, not so much eat better cause I’d rather cook for lunch than spend but ehh, but it’s just nice to feel like I’m now someone who can work in this kind of ‘working life’ routine, I will actually fit in and enjoy office work if it’s like my uni work life now (I’m not the only one spending days in our uni room doing work rather than staying at home - a core group of us are agreeing that separating home life and uni life is definitely beneficial to our work and keeping on track, and that being a good feeling rather than feeling like a chore). It’s nice to experience learning that, rather than having that idea forced on young people as it sometimes seems to be (ending up with people who isolate themselves and are unhappy and dont know why, because they’ve not learnt to have a working life balance) I dont know, everything’s really good right now, I actually feel like I want a career in this, I am enjoying my work, I’m doing well at uni, I have lovely friends, I cant get over how lovely and yet calm my life is. It’s like everything is happening in my life with this tinge of yellowy sunlight, bad things may happen but overall, my life is good and regular and I have aims and there are things that could be better, but that’s good because i can work to get them.