#until recently I hadn’t seen many people use the term online

[pirateprincessjess]

No idea how you're reblogging sexually charged robot girl art and yet don't know what frotting is

One day people are gonna stop being surprised that I don’t know things.

[thegendercocktail]

Posting old notes to myself - 18th Sept 22

So today, I was going through my google drive, looking for stuff to delete and make space when I come across old documents I wrote for myself as sorta journal like entries over the time I’ve been questioning my gender. But now that I’ve got this tumblr page as a way to document it, I figured it would be appropriate to share those documents to here. I’ll be posting them as I find them in the google drive. This first one is from 18th September 2022

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Gender is seen from multiple perspectives. From a scientific standpoint, it’s the physical attributes a person displays at birth, but for many in the world, gender is seen as a spectrum upon which where we are placed is dependent on how we feel as individuals. 

From birth, I was labelled as a Male, making me an AMAB person. Based upon this label from doctors, the influences I experienced growing up were majorly masculine: being placed in the boys changing rooms, wearing jeans and t shirts and being directed towards masculine oriented activities such as sports and FPS video games for examples.

For all my life, I’ve been seen and identified as a male by everyone around me and I don’t have an issue with that…At least, I didn’t have an issue until recently. When I was in late secondary school, I discovered that there are people who identify with genders that don’t correlate with their birth genders and that they were referred to as transgender.

Before I learned of the term, I thought the idea of transitioning genders was a fantasy, something that could only be imagined or something from a dream. There were times where I saw people present in clothes associated with the opposite sex but tv and film had labelled them as ‘crossdressers’ and ‘perverts’, displaying it as some sort of fetish.

When I learned of the term though, my curiosity led me to search it up online and from there, I was blown away to learn that the world of gender, something which many regard as one of the smaller, basic details of an individual’s life, is vast and more expanded than I realise. Instead of two polar opposites between male and female, there was a whole line connecting the two with multiple identities such as non-binary, bigender, agender and so on.

It was fascinating for me to learn that we didn’t have to restrict ourselves because of the body parts we had or what society expects of us, but that we could decide how we wanted to present and how we want to identify.

That was my introduction to the term and the knowledge, but I hadn’t actually met a trans person in real life, not until Year 11.

In Year 11, I was struggling with my sexuality, at the time identifying as homosexual. My mum suggested to me an LGBTQ+ group in the city centre that met every Monday so that I could talk with others in the community and learn more.

My first session, I was awkward and shy but everyone was incredibly friendly and supportive. It was also there, though, that I first met members of the trans community in real life. Trans women, trans men and non-binary people were all in the same room and for me, the best word I could use to describe them was interesting. They talked about how they were doing as well as talking about their progress with their transitions. I didn’t know why at the time but I was intrigued to hear more.

Over time, as I learned and communicated more about the idea of gender, I began to find myself questioning certain aspects of myself. Memories resurfaced from childhood with the potential for deeper meaning. I’d remember times where I dressed up in princess costumes and twirled and danced in them, I remember taking photos for Instagram and thinking about how happy I felt cause of the softness of my face but also I remembered going through puberty and the difficulties I had facing it.

When I was a child in primary school, one of my favourite parts was when we sung hymns (yes, I went to a Church of England school, hymns were the only thing we sung). I didn’t like it because of the lyrics or the melodies, but because of how I’d always sing the high notes. I love to sing, especially in primary school cause of how high my voice would go. I felt like I was singing like one of heaven’s angels (I know, dramatic). I thought it would never end but then puberty came.

As I grew older, I found my voice cracking more and more the higher I tried to sing and I hated it so much. My voice kept getting lower and I begged it to stop, even though I knew it was futile. In the end, there was no choice for me but to accept the existence of an adam’s apple in my throat dragging my notes down an octave down or two. Ever since then, I had to spend years to adjust to my new singing voice but I still wish I could sing those higher notes again every once in a while. After all this time, a part of me is starting to think that my voice getting lower possibly triggered a sense of gender dysphoria within me.

It wasn’t just my voice either. From time to time, I kept having certain thoughts and I thought I was crazy or weird for even thinking them. I kept imagining myself pregnant, as in carrying an actual child in my tummy and caring for them as they grew inside. At one point, I listened to an RP of a pregnant listener and I shed a tear as I immersed myself in it only to realise that that will never be possible. If I knew then what I knew now about dysphoria, perhaps I could’ve been open about it and maybe discussed it with a professional like a therapist.

The signs of dysphoria don’t just stop there, they had also impacted me during my sexual encounters with partners. When I began a relationship with a trans man named Axel, it was during a period time before he was able to have surgery or start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) with testestorene. His body still had the physical attributes of his birth sex as female. I loved him and I was happy for them to express who they were but whenever we had sex, I kept thinking about how jealous I was of him for having boobs and a vagina. I know that it sounds awful but unfortunately it’s true. I kept thinking about why I couldn’t have those physical attributes and be on the other end, experiencing those feelings. 

During my sexual encounters, it’s usually proved a challenge to finish, I thought maybe it was because my head was out of it, or I wasn’t communicating properly what I needed, but now I wonder if maybe it’s because of my gender and how it’s affect on my sense of self. 

As I contemplate all of this, a part of me thinks that perhaps after all of this time, maybe I’m actually a girl and I need to transition to finally help my body connect with me. I bet that’s what you’re thinking reading this, that that should be what I should do. I wish it was that easy but unfortunately, it’s not.

To transition is a big change, and is rather permanent. If I want to transition, I have to be sure and right now, I’m not. There are times where I feel like my chest is missing something or that my genitalia feels uncomfortable when it shifts beneath clothing but at other times, I feel like that’s all gone away, like it was never there in the first place. It creates a sense of uncertainty that tears me in two and I think has been having an emotional toll on me.

I have all these doubts inside of me that make me worry that if I go down the road of transitioning, I’ll at some point change my mind and it’ll be too late. Everyone would think of me as a liar, as a fraud and call me an attention seeking asshole and that terrifies me so much. I don’t want to be a liar, I just want to be me.

Ever since I’ve started this journey of exploring my own gender though, my pronouns of he/him have started to feel uncomfortable. Being referred to as a gentleman, a man or a son have started to feel weird or maybe they were always weird and I’ve just started noticing. I can’t tell and I don’t know how to tell from my own perspective.

For now, I identify as genderfluid, meaning I currently don’t have a fixed gender, I fluctuate across the spectrum. This label has worked and helped me fit a little better but when the dysphoria returns and I feel wrong, it hits so hard like the Incredible Hulk giving you a gut punch. 

Even now as I type, I feel like my body is wrong and I want to change it so bad, but when I wake up in the morning, will I feel the same way, or will it feel like it was never there to begin with. That’s the struggle I’m facing with finding a correct gender identity. If you were to ask me what gender was, I’d say…

Gender is frightening but beautiful.

Gender will hurt but it will also bring joy.

Gender is who you are but it will not define you.

[secreteddsworldblog]

Can I Buy You A Drink?

Eduardo x M!reader

You really don't know how you thought going to a bar to drink Diet Cola all alone was a good idea. Though you're not really in the right set of mind to make reasonable choices.

 You've recently had a mutual break up from a long term relationship. Years, not petty months, walked out the door. Regardless if you were the one who brought up the conversation when confronting your Ex about the change of mannerism towards you it still hurt. You still felt like the Dumpy. 

Even a month now since the night it ended you still felt an overwhelming sense of loss. You're no stranger to the feeling though. You've actually had worse relationships you rather not think about unless you want to go into a fit of sobs between Cola sips. 

"Another diet cola please," you had already gone through a few cans but didn't want to stop. It's your favorite drink. Why not indulge in things to make yourself better? You're actually really picky with what you drink. Nothing makes it past your lips unless its water, milk, and Cola. 

"You've had enough, sir!" The bartender was in the middle of drying a wet drinking glass with a yellowed white rag. 

How dare he deny you, you're a paying customer, and in pain, "I know when to stop!"

From just the right distance away to hear the exchange sat Eduardo who was had been deep in thought about his own moarning. He always considered himself a tough man, the definition of machismo, someone who can't be knocked down. 

Many would say he has no right to feel the way he does after how he behaved before the life changing event he had to go through. But sometimes it takes a rude awakening to trigger a well needed over due self reflection and change in character. 

Eduardo's head perked up the moment he heard a man ask for another diet cola. Who orders diet cola at a bar? Besides him that is. If someone can enjoy a diet cola enough to drink it everywhere then obviously it's someone with good taste like him.

Temporarily getting out of his own head he got up and reached the counter, " Bartender, I DEMAND you bring a pair of diet colas for my friend and I!" 

"FINE, Mr Eduardo," the bartender slammed the glass he was working on down and went to get the cold refreshments firmly holding them out, "But this is all either of you is getting tonight."

"Whatever," Eduardo passed one of the cans over to you, "Cheers!"

You'd be lying if you said you didn't feel a little bit of second AND first hand embaressment. It's not everyday a cute rando just comes up and makes somewhat of a scene for you. You have a feeling he's the kind of guy who calls out underpaid fast food joint employees when they put pickles in his friends bugers when they asked for none. 

With the sound of a 'Tink' from cans tapping you lightened up a little. It would do you some good to know new people. Not in a thottie way. You've had to move  homes for a fresh start, staying in that house with the memories were only going to make things harder for you to recover from, so you're actually in unknown territory.  

"So what's a guy like you doing drinking cola all alone?" Eduardo glaced at you from the corner of his eyes still letting the diet cola can hover next to his lips after the first sip. You didn't know what he meant by 'a guy like you'. Though you weren't the most traditionally masculine looking bloke at the bar compared to him. You wouldn't go as far as calling yourself an E-boy but you're definetly decked out in more of a casual alternative attire. Some would call you a pretty boy, like your Ex before he stopped-

"Probably for the same reason you are?" It was strange to see someone else drinking the same thing alone- Unless this is normal for a guy like him. He didn't look like a traditional loner but weirdos come in all sorts of flavors. You knew that fairly well. 

Other broken souls in the bar are getting properly drunk and a man out with the boys would only drink non-alcoholic beverages if he's the designated driver.

"I see... You come here often?" He lowered his drink to have his other arm reach over to scratch the back of his head. Eyes avoiding yours. 

"No. I'm fairly new 'round these parts," You paused for a second deciding to say something risky, "Do you want me to come here often?" A little flirting never hurt anyone. It might be too soon to get back on the sattle but you weren't looking for anything serious any time soon nor were you planning to go far while you're still healing. You just miss being who you used to be before devoting yourself to you Ex. Your confidence wasn't always real but you'd love to go back to being the cocky flirts you used to be. Seeing just how many people call fall for you knowing you can have absolutely anyone. 

Eduardo seemed to almost spit his drink seeing his subtle attempt at hitting on you be returned. "A-Are you serious?" His eyes widened a little looking at you. He must have been on the market and unsuccesful for quite some time hm? He hadn't been seen in a serious relationship since the one with his own Ex, Laurel. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" You flex your classic side smirl and eyebrow raise. You might be a little rusty and you could use some practice in the mirror before trying that on anyone else.

Eduardo seem to have trouble thinking of what to say next only to be saved by his phone ringing, "S'cuse me, I have to take this-". On his phone Mark's icon and name popped up. 

Mark had it together and seemed to have taken the loss a lot better than Eduardo. He was the more mature one of the trio and because of that he took it upon himself to look after eduardo  remaining roommates with him. 

As Eduardo went to a less crowded corner of the bar you checked your own phone. 

You had roommates of your own. Some pals who ARE locals of this town. One of them even owns a music shop a few blocks form the bar. You couldn't trust yourself to exist alone after the break up so they were nice enough to let you move in as long as you helped around the store and did you part of house chores. 

You scoffed at the text from Kasey the other roommate who has an online business and likes to call himself an 'influencer.' 

[Kasey]: Are you still being a lil bitch baby? Where are you? Bill and I are going to lock you out of the house if you stay out late again.

With a roll of your eyes you respond back saying you'll be home in a bit. Even though they were nice enough to take you in the dynamic between the three could be considered playfully rude but tipping too close over the line into toxic. Kasey could say 'Fuck you' and you could say 'Eat my ass' then go out for a movie. 

"Sorry about that. My roommate was checking up on me". Eduardo sat back down looking at your face wondering why you looked peeved. 

Rent must be terrible in this town. It seemed everyone had a roommate. "That's fine. So were mine. I have to split actually-" You got up slyly putting your coat jacket on waiting to see if the man really was interested in you enough to say anything about seeing you again.

"O-Oh wait. How often are you thinking of coming by this spot?" Eduardo didn't have many people to see when he left home. Aside from a stiff friendship with Tom. Since the incident they've bonded over their hatred for Tord. They took turns doing each other's interests like watching a sporting event when it's Eduardo's turn to pick the activity or going to a concert when it was Tom's night. It would usually end in some fight over bashing each others choices but they always silently made up and made plans for another night. 

"Mmmm. I don't know really," it was the truth. Even if you were to say what days you'd potentially show up it wasn't for sure. You'd play hard to get but this could become a good friendship. Someone who isn't calling you slurs, reclaimable between you and your roommates among themselves of course, and someone who might actually like you. "Here, let me save my number in you phone-" You reach out placing you hand on his forarm that held the phone testing to see if he'd flinch or push you away from the gentle touch. 

Eduardo felt goosebumps from around you touch. You could have sworn you saw a hint of green blush on his face. No one really touches him besides Mark when he pats Eduardo on the back when he things he needs it. "S-sure". 

You glided your hand from where it was to his hands sliding the phone out from his grasp. Your brain did a buffer effect when seeing the person that was his lock screen. A guy with small eyes, light brown hair, and blue button up. Who was this? This better not be some unnamed boyfriend. You didn't take him for a cheater. You still saved your number on his phone but took a mental note not to flirt as much until you know for sure the guy was single. Even if it's just casual the last thing you want to be is a homewrecker. 

You handed the phone over back to him, "See ya." Okay, you can spare a wink before walking away from him. 

Eduardo sat there confused. That really happened. He really got someone's phone number. He took one last sip from his diet cola before setting down the money to pay for their drinks. 

Authors note:

What's up fellow LGBTs. I didn't see any xM!Reader content much less for Eddsworld charas so I took it upon myself to actually provide for any of the other losers who simp for Eduardo. Might do a love triangle down the line tho- 

[dearingbooks]

The Difference one Woman can make.

Late Friday night in June, we had stopped for a burger on the way to the cinema, we used to do family movie nights at the cinema when a new film came out that the majority of us wanted to watch, this time I was the one who was reluctant to go, sadly we do this significantly less now.  So, stubborn 2015 me, rolling her eyes and dragging her feet up the cinema steps to find our seats to watch the new Jurassic World movie. Pathetic! I thought, why pay money to watch a movie about a dinosaur theme park! My parents had completely lost it! Huffing and puffing I took my seat on the aisle and sipped my blue raspberry slushie and looked up at the big screen. Ugh! I wanted it to be over, quickly. I sat down and shut my mouth, despite not wanting to watch it, I wasn’t going to spoil it for the others; but I didn’t get why they would want to watch it, I watched the trailer before going, was not impressed, it looked dumb!

However, as much as my pre-Jurassic self would not like, I found who I was during that movie, I discovered a whole new admiration for actors and movies. I found that I related to the main female protagonist, Claire Dearing. She did not need a man, or children, she was so focused on her career and let no one boss her around. She was top dog, and I completely fell for this fictional character. I evolved through that movie with her character, I felt content with being a strong female who put career over family. I wanted to embody this fictional woman; I wanted to be her.

On the journey home I typed ‘Claire Dearing actress’ into google and saw this stunning redhead- Bryce Dallas Howard. I immediately recognised her from movies I had watched prior, and I was completely astounded at her range of characters she can portray and portray them well. After scrolling through her Wiki page and reading news articles about her, I learned that she is the daughter of Ron Howard, one of my parents’ favourite people in film.

“Dad, that woman in the movie is Ron Howard's daughter”, I needed to inform my family that my now favourite woman in film is the daughter of my parents’ favourite people in film. My parents were shocked that I enjoyed the movie despite my loud vocalisation of not wanting to watch it.

Googling ‘Bryce Dallas Howard’ became my new after school routine, learning that she applied to acting school as Bryce Dallas to avoid people knowing she is the daughter of an already famous actor and director, and she had met her true love at nineteen and is still happily married to him. Yet what most stuck out to the self-conscious, body hating 2015 me, was that Bryce wasn’t a skinny twig of a woman that you see in most movies, she had classy curves and promoted body positivity despite some backlash the media gave her. I made a connection with this woman I had never met because I too received negative comments about my figure, yet Bryce took that on the shoulder and learned to love herself. I wanted to feel that self-love about myself that she acquired.

After watching Jurassic World, I explored many more fandoms, and from there I became obsessed with movie franchises and TV shows, actors and directors. I could not give you a full list of all of the fandoms I am in, there are too many to count, and they have all played a role in helping me evolve to who I am today. All because I latched onto one character from one movie I did not even want to watch, one film got me hooked on this life: it’s like a drug. I cannot stop. I also went back and forth with my hairstyle due to this woman; in the movie Bryce has a stunning ginger graduated bob with a fringe, however I never had the guts to go ginger until now; shame the hairdressers are all shut.

Now, almost six years later Bryce Dallas Howard has had great success in directing two episodes of The Mandalorian. Over the Christmas break I watched the show with my dad, sat on the sofa, fire lit, the chocolate Labrador curled up between us, peach vodka and diet lemonade in my hand, hot cup of tea in my dad’s. We binge watched both seasons in a week (it’s amazing) and he was shocked to see ‘Directed by Bryce Dallas Howard’ at the end of one, let alone two episodes. “Shit, she’s come far in the past few years” he said putting another episode on.

Bryce allowed me to find my best friend, Iz, through Instagram; Bryce has brought so many people together it is so surreal. And when I found out that Iz was going to Southampton University in 2019, a 20-minute drive from my house, I was finally able to meet her, because of one woman we both adore. I was friends with Iz for three years before I was able to meet her, I asked my school friend to come along with me so she could film the moment Iz, and I met! We got pancakes and watched the second Maleficent movie at the cinema, it was one of the best days of my life. I was so thankful that I met a truly hilarious and loving girl through this one actress! Because of Bryce Dallas Howard, I have made so many other friends from all over the globe as they too idolise Bryce and together we have created the ‘BDH online family’. A small group of us do regular zoom calls to catch up and chat about the recent photos and updates that Bryce has posted on Instagram, talk about Covid-19 and the types of restrictions and lockdown rules each of our countries has. During one of our calls, we had the craziest idea- Invite Bryce to one of our zoom calls. Bryce said yes! And after a few months of organisation, we had the date. The date was-

My.

Birthday.

The day came around and I was so nervous, it was 11pm exactly. The Wi-Fi had cut out fifteen minutes before the call. I was in tears. Mascara down my face, puffy eyes, I joined the call with a few minutes to spare before Bryce joined it. My mum hung around off camera for the first 5 minutes to double check the Wi-Fi was stable, luckily it stabilised. The other girls had never been so glad to see me, everyone was panicked for me; I could not miss it for the world (despite telling my parents, in floods of tears, that I cannot join and that it’s the end of that).

“Kat! You’re here!” “Happy birthday!” “Are you okay? The Wi-Fi sorted?”

They all chimed, happy to see my little face in the bottom right corner of their computer screens. Luckily Iz was there, otherwise it would have been extremely awkward with only one of us since we are known as a duo in the online family, we have to do everything together, we come in a pair and there can’t just be one of us.

“Shit girls, that was stressful”

I hadn’t realised I was holding my breath until I exhaled the large breath when my    Wi-Fi settled, and I was on the call, I fixed my makeup and was ready to meet Bryce.

The few minutes we had before Bryce joined were intense, two of the girls left to get a drink and we weren’t sure if they would be back in time, luckily they did return.

“No way!” One of them, Anna who was hosting the call, gasped “Bryce is in the waiting room!”

We all freak for no more than 10 seconds, we compose ourselves then our faces are reshuffled, and we see this stunning glowing face that we all admire smiling at us. Omg, it's her.

“Hi girls!”

I have never smiled for so long in my entire life, my cheeks hurt afterwards. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining at all, it just hurt as I thought I would only be smiling for half an hour, since that is how long we were told Bryce had. However, we were speaking to Bryce for nearly an hour and a half, she just kept talking and asked us questions! She was so lovely to talk to, so relaxed; it was if I was talking to a friend that I had known for years!

“Before we go I want to all sing Kat a happy birthday!”

My idol wanted to sing me a happy birthday! The other girls were really ecstatic for me, I still can’t believe to this day that The Bryce Dallas Howard wanted to sing to me!

It was both the best and the worst happy birthday song that has be sung to me. It was the best because, well my idol was singing to me! And proposed the singing! It was the worst in terms of the actual song as they were all out of sync and lagging, it was bloody hilarious!

At 10:27pm the next evening, watching a rerun of Game of Thrones on Sky, I got a notification ‘Brycedhoward just posted’, I clicked the notification then see our smiling faces on her page, she posted a screenshot of our call on her social media! The call was supposed to be a secret so other fans weren’t upset. There’s a few snotty comments on the post, but they’re just jealous and to be frank, I don’t care! My smiley face is on her page forever! All ten of us have printed the screenshot of Bryce’s post off and put it in a frame, one day all ten of us hope to congregate somewhere, most likely in America, and sign the backs of all of our photos. I’m still in utter awe and shock-  How many celebrities have you seen that would do a free zoom call with some fans? Not a lot, and that amount is even slimmer when they talk for an extra hour than scheduled. Bryce truly is one of a kind and the best idol anyone could ever hope to have.

Compared to a zoom call with Bryce herself, the few times she has liked my comments on her posts feel like nothing in comparison! I remember being so excited, running downstairs to my parents.

“Mum! Dad! Bryce liked my comment! She knows I exist!”

“Was it actually her? Remember when you got a Facebook request from Robert Downey Jr and it turned out it was a fake account?”

I rolled my eyes at her, it was Bryce, it was her verified account. The comment was a book recommendation I had for her, she posted on her hashtag BDHbookshelf and I thought I’d take a chance and comment a book recommendation I had for her, and the chance paid off.

I cannot wait to see what the future holds with Bryce, she has been such an inspiration to me for the past few years, and she promotes such wonderful causes and body positivity! I hope to one day meet her and thank her in person for changing my life for the better, and I think I’ve come up with the perfect opportunity to meet her- Iz and I have decided to travel up to London for the Jurassic World Dominion premiere in 2022 (if Covid lets us!), we’d get a hotel and actually meet Bryce in person, as well as meeting other members of the online family!

Words cannot fully contain the admiration that I possess for Bryce, her soul is utterly and truly exquisite, she has been such a visionary while I’ve been transitioning from a girl who had no idea who she was with no dreams or aspirations, to a woman who has now found so many new friends and now knows who she wants to be.  

[cuddlepilefics]

Lullaby and good night

Fandom: Stray Kids

Sickie/Little: Minho

Caregiver: Jisung

 Minho’s POV.:

Our next comeback was approaching and 3racha had only finished up in the studio very recently. Now that all their tracks had been finished, it was the dance-line’s task to come up with choreographies. Being the oldest member of the dance-line, I felt a sense of responsibility, so I pretty much took the lead and spent most of my time in the practice room. In my free time, which was mostly at night, I went to the studio to practice my vocals. I knew I had to improve my singing, I read all the comments online, saying the only reason I was in the group was for my visuals. As much as it honored me that Stay found me handsome, as much did it hurt to hear I was good for nothing. Some nights I skipped entirely, not going back to the dorm at all and meeting up with my members for practice the next morning. Often it took a stern conversation with Chan-hyung to drag me back and get some rest. Couldn’t he see that I needed more time to practice? That I needed to work more to make up for the talent I was lacking? I hadn’t gone home after practice last night, instead dancing for another three hours before dragging my sore body to the studio to go over some of the new songs. I hoped with enough practice I’d get my lines down to perfection. It weren’t many anyways.

The next morning, I met up with Hyunjin and Felix to work on our choreos. The young Aussie was having a tough time, often messing up and being on edge the entire time. I saw his hands shaking every time he lost a step and his brows were furrowed as though he had a headache. Being a little myself, it didn’t take long for me to put two and two together. The poor boy was trying so hard not to slip but the stress was slowly getting to him. He wasn’t even there for a full hour before I decided to be a good hyung and send him home. It took a while for Felix to accept my decision, he didn’t want to hold us back and be a burden and I knew exactly how he felt but after quite some pushing from Hyunjin and me and a call to Chan, the dance-line maknae let the leader collect him from the practice room. From that on, it was only Hyunjin and me. We hadn’t even danced for that long but we were both drenched in sweat. My limbs ached and my protested with every movement. I doubted my dongsaeng felt any different but he put on a battle-face and soldiered on. Hyunjin really was something, though sensitive most of the time, when it came to dancing, he was pure professionalism. Not once did he complain about me torturing both of us with endless reruns of the same sequence. It was easy to work with him and seeing him be strong and push his exhaustion and pain away, gave me the strength to do the same.

We cut our lunch break short. Hyunjin gave me a proteinbar from his bag because I had eaten my last for dinner last night. I’d have to go back to the dorm soon to refill the snack-department of my practice bag. The break was just long enough to catch our breaths and force down a proteinbar and some water. Sure, it wasn’t a full meal but if we ate too much, the sharp movements would make us queasy. My eyes were burning and my head ached but on second thought, everything ached, so all I could do was suck it up and hope we’d finish soon. I was really craving a shower and my bed at this point. We had only resumed dancing for a few minutes, when my eyes were starting to bother me, well, bother me more than before. The bright overhead lights seamed distorted, casting strange shapes. I really shouldn’t wear my contacts for days on end. Blinking rapidly, I tried to clear my vision from the shimmering distortions before looking over at Hyunjin, squinting in an attempt to see him clearly. I’ve probably been staring at him for too long because he gave me a questioning look. The room suddenly shifted sideways before everything went black.

When I came to again, the first thing I heard was a loud howling noise quickly changing in pitch. It was too loud, my head was pounding and the noise didn’t help with that at all. Why couldn’t it just be quiet? I wanted to sleep. There were broken and half-suppressed sobs somewhere close. But where? It sounded a lot like Hyunjin. Trying to open my eyes, I failed as my eyelids seemed to be glued shut. There was a pressure around my hand, which seemed to come from the same direction as the sobs. Finally managing to blink my eyes open, I quickly closed them again and groaned as I hadn’t expected it too be so bright. I felt my hand being squeezed and I gave a weak squeeze back. There was also a voice that I didn’t recognize, words blurring together incomprehensible. Just wanting to sleep, I decided to ignore the voice and kept my eyes closed. It was too bright to open them anyways. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t go back to sleep. As soon as I became aware of the moist stickiness, with which my pants clung to me, it was too uncomfortable to get another minute of rest.

Through all the commotion, I kept my eyes closed. Why wouldn’t they stop bothering me? Is it too much to ask to just be allowed some rest? There were hands on me and my bed was shaking. I tried swatting the hands away but I wasn’t strong enough. My clothes were pulled on and suddenly I felt cold. Was I naked? My breathing quickened as I felt helpless and violated. All I had wanted to do was sleep off the pounding headache behind my temples. Oh thanks, someone had put a blanket on me. The commotion was slowly dying down and I dared opening my eyes again, though only a crack. The reassuring hand in mine had disappeared for a while but now I could feel it again. Looking over, I was faced with a tearstained Hyunjin. “H-Hey, you’re awake, hyung”, he smiled shakily. Trying to speak, I head to clear my throat a few times before I was able to get a sound out: “J-Jinnie? Wha’ happened? People were touching me, my head hurts.” – “It’s ok, hyung. They were only helping”, Hyunjin promised before breaking into tears again, “We were dancing together when you kept staring at me. I asked you a few times what was wrong but – but-…” – “Jinnie?”, rasped, squeezing his hand like he had done to me before. My dongsaeng just continued to choke on sobs, clearly terrified of something. But what?

I wanted to reassure him but how could I when I didn’t even know what happened? I was still so unbelievably tired but I couldn’t go to sleep, knowing my dongsaeng was crying next to me. The door opened and in piled my friends. Chan sat down on the bed next to my, taking my hand into his, while Changbin pulled Hyunjin out of the chair and into his arms. “Hyung?”, I looked at him with pleading eyes. The oldest sighed, studying my face: “You don’t remember what happened, do you Min?” I shook my head a bit, waiting for an explanation. “Hyunjin called us because you suddenly collapsed and had a seizure. He called an ambulance, which took both of you here, we followed”, the leader explained calmly but in his eyes I could see he was anything but calm. I had heard anything clearly but for some reason I couldn’t comprehend his words. They made no sense to me. Why would I have a seizure? I never had one before. My hyung must have sensed my confusion because he added: “The doctor said it might have been caused by sleep deprivation but they couldn’t confirm it yet because no one knew how much or rather little sleep you had gotten recently. To me it sounds likely because there were too many nights you didn’t come back at all.” Refusing to meet Chan’s eyes, I stared at the blanket in my lap, which seemed to confirm his suspicions. “I don’t think I have to tell you that you should have taken better care of yourself. You’re one of the oldest here and I know I haven’t been the greatest role-model but not even I have ever taken it to that extreme”, He frowned disappointed. Fighting tears back, I tried to explain myself: “It’s just, all those comments online, reminding me of my lack of talent. I just wanted to improve myself for Stay.” Great, with that confession I have earned myself another round of ‘Why we are not supposed to read comments on social media’, but I knew they meant well giving me a talk.

Another hour, many compliments for my skills and hugs from everyone later, most members went home, promising that one or two of them would come back later to bring me a bag with some clothes and my toothbrush. Much to my dismay, I learned that I’d have to stay at least one night for observation. Chan and Jisung stayed after everyone else left. I was grateful for their presence because I still needed to come to terms with what had happened. I had talked to a doctor, who had explained my situation again. It gave me hope because he said it might never happen again if I make sure to take good care of my body. His words were very inspirational to me: ‘Rest is a right, not a reward.’ I will probably make a poster of this and hang it in the 3racha studio, so others could also benefit from this man’s wise words.

No one’s POV.:

Chan and Jisung stayed to keep Minho company. The dancer kept a cool exterior to reassure his friends but the two knew he was really shaken-up inside. The trio continued talking, about everything and anything, trying to distract themselves and the mood in the room was considerably light. Until a nurse came in, that is. She wanted to give the dancer an IV, which would also be useful for administering medication for the pain. The atmosphere turned sour and Minho squirmed uncomfortably. He hated needles. Jisung quickly took his hand, trying to calm the older down. The nurse gave them a sympathetic smile as she had seen the same scene multiple times. Her promises, it would only be a tiny pinch and it would be over before Minho knew it, fell on deaf ears. When she took another step closer, needle in hand, the dancer couldn’t take it anymore. He screamed, trying to pull away from Jisung, who was holding onto his wrist. Then, as if a switch was flicked, he crawled back to the rapper, clutching his shirt. “Jiji, nuh let Min huwt!”, he sobbed, his breaths coming in short strained puffs. The nurse quickly put the needle down out of sight, taking a few steps back to give them space. Chan and Jisung had both paled immediately after noticing how Minho had slipped. They were terrified of it happening with a stranger in the room, afraid the little would be treated with disgust. Jisung was quick to sit on the edge of the bed, an arm wrapped around the dancer as he whispered soothing nothings and tried to help the other to slow his breathing down. At the same time, Chan studied the nurse, hoping for any clue on how she thought about little space.

A few minutes later, Jisung had finally managed to talk the little down and the nurse considered it safe to approach them again, without a needle this time. “Hey sweetie, can you tell me how old you feel right now?”, she cooed, crouching in front of the pair. All she got was a whimper from Minho, who pressed himself closer to Jisung, and the stunned looks of Chan and Jisung. She smiled at their confusion: “Regressing in age is a not too uncommon coping mechanism. People only thing it’s uncommon because everyone’s ashamed of talking about it. What’s bad about creating a safe space for oneself? It’s harmless, unlike taking drugs or self-harming as an outlet.” She wasn’t wrong there and her acceptance helped Minho build the courage to meet her eyes. When they were going to give the IV another try, Chan silently disappeared out of the room to call the members at the dorm, asking them to also pack Minho’s beloved cat plushie and a pacifier.

“Min, I’d need to give you some medicine but to be able to do that, I’ll have to put a small tube into the back of your hand”, she tried carefully. The little’s eyes went wide and he shook his head furiously. Jisung rubbed his back, hoping to be able to convince him: “Kitten, I know you’re scared. Hyung knows. But don’t you feel icky?” Minho sniffled and touched his head, whimpering a pitiful: “Ouchie.” – “I know, bubba. She’s going to help with that, if you let her. You trust Jiji-hyungie, right? I wouldn’t let anyone do anything that’s bad for you”, the rapper promised, “You’re my brave boy, aren’t you?” Minho whined loudly, he knew Jisung was right but he hated it. “Usually when we have to give a child an injection or IV, we let them sit on their parents lap”, the nurse mused. Jisung didn’t have to be told twice to kick of his shoes and sit down on the bed properly. He pulled the little onto his lap, who quickly buried his face against the rapper’s neck. Taking a few deep breaths and inhaling the caregiver’s soothing scent, Minho held out his right hand, stretching it far away from his body. “You’re so brave, kitten. Hyung’s really proud of you”, Jisung praised. The nurse wasted no time, afraid the little’s burst of confidence would be over before she’d have the needle in. It was really only a small prick and Minho didn’t even have the time to cry out before it was over. Quickly wrapping a few layers of bandage around the dancer’s hand to make sure he wouldn’t accidentally pull the needle out, she stepped back and smiled. She walked over to a cabinet and pulled out a small piece of paper, chuckling: “A brave boy like you totally deserves some stickers.” – “Stickers!!!”, the little squealed, accepting the sheet and studying it. Jisung grinned, glad the fuss was over, and reminded: “What do we say, Min?” – “Tank chuuu!”, the dancer giggled. With a satisfied smile, the nurse connected the bag of fluids and painkillers before leaving the room.

Chan returned and listened to Minho boast about his knew stickers, while they waited for their friends to arrive with the dancer’s necessities. “Hyung, I’m going to stay here with him tonight”, Jisung announced, still sitting on the bed with the little on his lap. The leader nodded, he had already expected this given the rapper was Minho’s main caregiver and the two were extremely close. They kept playing around for a while, the dancer giggling happily, IV already forgotten, till there was a knock on the door. In came Changbin and Seungmin their worried faces brightening at the sight of the happy little on Jisung’s lap. Their worry had doubled when Chan told them Minho had slipped but it now melted away completely. “Hey there, little one”, Seungmin laughed, walking over and ruffling the dancer’s hair, “You gave your Jinnie-hyung quite a scare”, noticing the little’s frown, he was quick to add, “Don’t worry Jinnie’s fine.” – “Look we brought Soori”, Changbin distracted, pulling the plushie from the bag and handing it over. Cuddling the stuffed cat close to his chest, Minho looked up with sparkling eyes and mumbled: “Tank chu, Binnie-hyung.”

Changbin and Seungmin took Chan back home with them after saying good bye to Minho and Jisung. The rapper gently helped the little to change out of the hospital into his own clothes, making sure to pull the bottle and tubing through the sleeve first and guiding Minho’s hand, so he wouldn’t mess with the IV. The energy and excitement, that had fueled the dancer while the other members were present, soon ebbed away and the exhaustion that had brought him into the current situation caught up to him. “Is there someone sleepy?”, Jisung cooed, running a hand through the little’s hair. Minho gave a small nod, yawning widely while he rubbed a fist against his eye: “Wan’ cuddle Jiji.” – “Okay baby, scoot over a bit”, the rapper requested, climbing under the blanket too, “Here, hold on to Soori, she wants cuddles too.” Clutching the plushie, the little snuggled up against his caregiver, who pulled a paci from the bag and slipped it between the little’s lips. “Go to sleep, kitten. Hyungie will sing for you, ok?”, Jisung hummed, he was hoping Minho would be able to catch up on the sleep he was lacking, “Good night, little one.”

[kjmhj0429995486]

Perhaps a small winwin and kun college au?

okay this took me forever to get around to oops! hahahha this is honestly way too many words for nothing to really happen but I had fun writing it. would love to maybe continue this eventually!

tinder!au i guess??

kun despised the idea of dating apps. absolutely hated it. he always criticized the vanity and impermanence of meeting people online and stood by his ground that you could only find the perfect match in person. when kun created a tinder account under the influence of a few drinks and some very resilient friends on a friday night in, he still hated dating apps, but he’d admit now that maybe he was being a little early to judge.

kun wasn’t like his friends. ten lived for nights out and meeting new people and kissing boys he’d only just met. in a similar vein, lucas was always in a relationship, whether it being a fling that lasts a few weeks before he gets bored or one of his longer, more emotional engagements, kun has never known the man without someone on his arm. but kun was different. since they started college over three years ago now, he’d only kissed a handful of boys, maybe a girl or two in the beginning, and he’d only been in two relationships, both pretty long term relative to his friends. with the last one ending nearly a year ago, he couldn’t help but feel a little lonely; however, it wasn’t until the alcohol settled into his veins as he listened to stories of his friends’ most recent passionate endeavors during their guys’ night that he expressed this to anyone else.

“oh my god and then afterwards, he literally just, left me there. on the couch, naked. he didn’t even leave a blanket for me,” ten was a few shots in, speaking dramatically and drawing the most genuine reactions from his tipsy bestfriends as he spoke. “but oh my GOD did I even care after what that man had just done to me.”

kun never understood the hookup culture that his friends subscribed to, but he was happy for them; and they knew that, even if his snide remarks came off a little judgy. “i really can’t believe the situations you get yourself into sometimes,” kun laughed, shaking his head in disbelief. “like you really can’t tell me it was worth getting treated that way to have sex with someone you’ll never see again.”

“kun,” ten began, placing his hands on kun’s shoulders and looking him in the eye, feigning as much seriousness as he could muster in his current state. “you really really need to get laid already,” this made kun immediately roll his eyes and laugh softly in ten’s face. “actually you don’t even have to fuck him right away, but like you could really use a cute boy in your life, man,” he ended with a slight seriousness that hit home more than he would’ve expected. kun knew exactly why ten was saying what he was saying. obvious to his friends, he’d been really stressed lately with midterms and club activities and whatever else he managed to find to keep himself busy enough to not have time to worry about how he felt so incomplete; about how much better all the stressful things in his life would be if someone else was there to experience them with him.

“wait wait wait,” lucas intergected, his normal deep voice even more boisterous with the drinks in his system. “you should make a tinder.”

at this, ten’s eyes widened and he immediately perked up with the biggest smile on his face.

“absolutely not.” kun intended to shut this conversation down before the boys got any stupid ideas in their heads. he was a little late.

“kun pleaseeeee?” ten begged with full on puppy dog eyes. “you never know, the love of your life might be on there right now.”

kun pulled away from the grip ten still had on his shoulders and raised his eyebrows at his friends in an attempt to get his seriousness through their heads. “no way. you guys know how i feel about dating apps. i will happily wait a thousand years for the right man to meet me face to face if that’s what it takes.”

lucas was not convinced. “dude you haven’t had a boyfriend in months. literally all you do when you’re not with us is study. obviously that’s not making you any progress soulmate wise so like.. what’s the harm in giving it a go?”

neither was ten. “exactly. kun you deserve to find someone, you really do. worst case scenario you go on a couple of bad dates and we have something to laugh about, best case scenario you find someone you think you can fall in love with,” kun softens, just a bit, at the sincerity of ten’s words. for a second that is. “and yeah most of them suck but i promise there’s some high quality, top notch men on there if you look hard enough. trust me, i’ve found a couple myself,” he adds with a quick wink. when kun’s scowl returns to his face ten reverts to his previous tactic: puppy dog eyes. “pleassssse kun. you know we really just want the best for you.”

kun sighs, rolling his eyes begrudgingly at his defeat. “i can’t believe i’m saying this out loud but i guess i have been kind of lonely lately,” he begins, catching his friends’ hopeful attention. “not in like a sad kind of way but maybe in a ‘this would be better with someone else’ kind of way.”

that was enough for lucas to grab kun’s phone from its place on the coffee table and download the app before kun even had time to protest.

-

“awww he’s kinda cute.” ten said, clicking to view the full profile of a boy just a year younger than kun.

“he’s holding a dead fish.”

“you know what they say, the bigger the dead fish the bigger his...”

“literally no one has ever said that.”

“ugh fine. next.”

kun went to bed that night disappointed about to his expectations, if not a little more.

-

it wasn’t until three days later when kun was laying in bed after a busy school day that he even remembered he had downloaded the stupid app a few nights prior. after a brief battle between his strong opinions towards the dumb application sitting almost mockingly on his home screen and his skeptical curiosity, he unlocked his phone and opened the neglected app, the latter obviously winning out.

kun spent a few minutes swiping. he clicked each individual profile to get as solid of a read as he could on each guy before making his decision with a careful consideration, something he had definitely never seen either of friends apply to their tinder boy sprees. left. left. left. kun was growing ever more frustrated, none of the boys striking a chord with him. perhaps he was being a bit harsh with his standards but he really truly felt that he couldn’t see himself in a relationship with any of these men. left. left. left again. and that’s when he stopped. almost instinctively swiping on the next boy before a picture loaded before his eyes that made him rethink every criticism he had ever given his friends or their dumb app. this one was cute. more than cute. kun never really understood what the phrase “boyish charm” meant, but he knew this boy had it. he was beautiful in such an understated way. not aggressively attractive by conventional standards, but gorgeous and delicate and handsome in a way that kun thinks he could stare at for hours.

with a breath of fresh air, kun finally swiped right. he felt a brief wave of something akin to panic, or maybe excitement, wash over him when a screen he had yet to see appeared. “it’s a match! sicheng likes you too,” the screen read. kun couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on his face for a split second before he forced it into a scowl, unhappy that he had fallen into the trap of these dumb apps. soon after, kun put his phone down and went to bed. he hated the lingering curiosity about the boy that he knew nothing about, but let himself indulge in his own imagination for just a little while before falling asleep to the thought of having someone to call his.

-

the next day was busy for kun. between his four classes and studying for his upcoming midterms, he hadn’t even had a second to consider swiping mindlessly through tinder or messaging the single boy he had deemed worthy of his swipe. that was, until he was sat outside the dining hall, letting himself enjoy a few free minutes to eat dinner with ten and lucas. amidst lucas’ downward spiral into the stress of his classes and how much work he has to do, kun’s phone buzzes. he doesn’t want to be as distracted as he is from his friends’ problems by the notification his phone lights up with, but he can’t seem to fight the curiosity of what the tiny words that read “sicheng sent you a new message.” would reveal. kun decides to wait until he can give his full attention to the weird little crush that’s already begun brewing on the total stranger living in his phone. he locks his phone and puts it in his pocket before returning his attention to the people in his life he knows are actually real.

-

back in his dorm, kun immediately flops onto his bed. he scrolls aimlessly through twitter and instagram before finally landing back where he was last night. knowing that he has a ton of studying to do before bed, he clicks on the messages tab and indulges himself, maybe for a little longer than he means to.

kun: hmmm maybe if i deem you worthy

sicheng: and how do i obtain your approval oh great magician?

kun: well for starters

kun: you’re really cute so that gets your foot in the door

sicheng: 😳

kun: but it’s gonna take a little more than that unfortunately

sicheng: i can dance

sicheng: does that help?

sicheng: ooh and i have a dog

sicheng: but he lives with my parents :(

sicheng: or i can show you my anime figurine collection it’s pretty impressive

kun: haha honestly?

kun: i think you just might be worthy of two magic tricks😂

sicheng: you mean to tell me you know more than one magic trick????

sicheng: wait

sicheng: are you a wizard?

kun: not last i checked

kun: but i guess you’ll be happy to know that i actually know like

kun: 10 magic tricks

sicheng: whaaaaaat

sicheng: lol what point in your life did you not have any friends?

kun: middle school😔

kun: but it’s okay i came out stronger

sicheng: so now you have friends AND know magic?

sicheng: AND you’re hot??

sicheng: sounds kinda op to me

kun: well i’d say all of those are only kind of true

sicheng: i’m still impressed

kun: thank you

sicheng: ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

kun absolutely hated the stupid smile that wouldn’t leave has face as he read back the boy’s replies. but, as he continued to slowly learn bits and pieces of the boy that didn’t exist to him until last night through conversation that came way more easily than he ever would’ve imagined, kun decides that maybe something special really could come from this after all.

[evalinkatrineberg]

C5 - The Ball

A/N: Just shy of 19k words of Evalin being Evalin. Includes RPs with @ladyreggiewright @arin-schreave @hugo-stanton @clemencewestley and @idaliamoretti . Potential TW for the last italicized section at the end, for non-consensual kissing. ALSO I wrote one of Evalin’s thoughts before the official Theo reveal, and decided to keep it in for shits and giggles lmao

My parents picked up the FaceTime call on the first ring, their heads smushed together as they bickered over where the best spot to place their phone was, in order for me to see everyone that was there. It had been a family tradition for as long as I could remember to have a backyard barbecue on Illéan Independence Day. Normally, it was a pretty large gathering, including our family, some of the neighbors, some of my parents’ coworkers, and their families, leaving little space to walk or even sit in our average sized backyard.

From what I could see as my parents backed away from the phone, however, the event was a lot smaller this year - just my family, and June’s. Not that it seemed like anyone was complaining about that, but it did raise some questions in my own mind, especially when I considered the phone call my father had made to me at two in the morning a few weeks ago. Even Lukas had said that things were getting bad there.

I could see what he meant. It was as if none of my father’s coworkers were speaking to him anymore.

Nonetheless, I forced a smile on to my face, holding the flute of champagne Grace had had delivered to my room in the air, so that everyone gathered in my backyard in Carolina could see it. “I’m afraid I don’t have much time,” I admitted, feeling Julia tug at my hair with a towel, finishing up drying my curls before beginning to style them, “but I absolutely refused to miss the annual toast.”

“Of course,” Gabriel stated, holding the beer in his hand aloft from the Adirondack chair in which he sat. “Cheers, Ev.”

“Cheers,” I echoed alongside the rest of my family, taking about three sips of champagne before setting the flute back down on my desk. I had practically had to beg Grace to bring it up for me, spending all of forty-five minutes explaining and emphasizing just how important this family tradition was to not only me, but to my parents and siblings as well. In the end, she had relented, though Julia had grumbled about it until the bitter end.

“I wish I was there, with you,” June called through the screen, shaking her head, her dark curls bouncing against her cheeks. “Do me a favor, and find a cute man tonight, and send him my way. The guys around here just aren’t cutting it anymore.”

I laughed, assuring her, “I’ll do my best,” though I wasn’t entirely sure how many people were going to be in attendance at the ball tonight. There were the German royals, the Italian royals, and the Illean royals, of course, along with the Grahams and Wylan Caldwell, but beyond that, all I had been told was vague terms like, “palace staff,” and, “notable individuals,” which meant next to nothing to me. Maybe more specifics had been given, but I had been too focused on online classes, which had also started up this week, to pay close attention to them.

“Speaking of men,” Lydia began, setting her beer down on the brick patio beneath her chair, “has His Royal Asshole been on better behavior since we last spoke about him?”

Behind me, Julia made a noise that sounded like she was screaming with her mouth closed as she parted my hair with a fine toothed comb. I laughed, partially at the sound that Julia had made, but also at my sister’s nickname for Arin, which didn’t appear to be going out of use anytime soon.

“He’s been a good deal better, actually,” I replied, taking a few more sips of champagne. “He took me to the ballet a couple of weeks ago, and -” And we cozied up on the floor together. And we actually talked without arguing. And he called me stunning and adorable. I shook my head, feeling the color rising to my cheeks already. “It was good.”

“Just good?” Lydia raised her eyebrows, picking her beer back up and taking a long drink, glaring at the phone she was looking at me through.

It had been more than good, but I didn’t want to divulge the details of the date in front of my parents. My mother might have a fit if she found out that I had sat on the floor, even if it was within the walls of a private box. “I’ll tell you more another time,” I assured her, “but if I don’t hurry, I am going to be late.”

After a few quick goodbyes, I closed my laptop, allowing Julia to finish up on my hair, and Christina to finish up on my makeup. The dress they had had made for tonight was black, and fit me like a glove, ending with a little slit in the side down by my mid-calf. It came complete with a cape of gossamer silk, little strands of silver woven in, almost like the seamstress that had made this dress had plucked the stars from the sky to do so. I had been a little apprehensive about the cape at first, insistent that in combination with the high heeled shoes I would have to wear, it would almost certainly lead to me tripping and falling at some point, or possibly even rip the cape. However, Julia had reassured me that it would be fine, and I was in no shape to argue with her about it.

The start of the online semester had somehow made my sleep schedule even worse. At this point, I was surviving almost solely off of caffeine and sheer willpower. At the very least, the work kept me distracted, which meant I had less time to overthink that I was doing here. However, the increased workload had prevented me from seeing Arin since the ballet. Even at Wylan’s party, I had only been able to pop in for all of a few minutes, which I had spent chatting with Itzel. That had only been the week that the pre-semester work had been due. Now, with the real semester in full swing, in combination with our lessons here, and the recent slough of visiting foreign dignitaries, I was swamped. I’d actually fallen asleep in the library more than once, much to my own embarrassment. Luckily, I didn’t think anybody had noticed it, yet.

Tonight’s ball was a welcome reprieve from the work, though. I finished the last of the champagne, checking my reflection in the mirror one last time before turning towards the door, satisfied with what I had seen. Some days, I almost didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror. She stood with a straighter back, and a head held higher than the Evalin I had used to see in the mirror. My reflection even moved with a level of grace that I had not previously thought I’d possessed. The lessons we were getting here were really paying off, both inside and outside of the classroom.

I kept to myself as I walked down the hallway, speaking almost exclusively to the personal guard that had been assigned to escort me into the large hall where dinner was to be taking place. The meal itself flew by quickly, beginning with the presentation of the foreign royals, and then the Illean royals, and ending with everyone being ushered into the Grand Hall, which was decked out in gauzy strips of fabric and light colors, dousing the room in every color under the sun. I stared at it, wide eyed as I walked in spinning in a small circle to make sure I didn’t miss a single detail. Whoever had put this together must have spent hours planning and decorating. I wished there was some way I could pass my compliments on to them, because they deserved it.

With that, the dancing begun, a full orchestra playing a mix of fast songs, waltzes, and instrumental versions of more modern songs. I allowed myself to be swept up in it all, dancing with whoever was closest to me at the moment. After a lifetime of keeping myself so put together, so set in my rigid routine, it felt nice to just be able to let go of all that for a few hours, my only concern whether or not I could prevent myself from stepping on the feet of whoever was spinning me in circles at the moment.

After a handful of numbers, I made my way back to the edge of the crowd, needing a few seconds, at the very least, just to catch my breath, and get my bearings. Everyone here was dressed to the nines, having gone just as all out as I had. Though, I hadn’t seen anybody else with a cape, yet. Julia had proven herself to be right once again - the risk of falling had been worth the reward of standing out.

I stopped by one of the tables, grabbing another glass of champagne. There were other drinks laid out, their colors varying from vibrant shades of pink to pale hues of teal, but in this instance, I decided it was best to stick to what I knew and recognized. It had been a while since I had drank in a party environment, and I wasn’t about to go wild in front of a bunch of, “notable individuals.” That Evalin had to stay back in Knoxville for now, at least, maybe even permanently, depending on how the remainder of the Selection went.

Being so close to the Elite had me a bit nervous. I had come so far; it would almost hurt to be sent home now. My relationship with Arin was solid - I was confident in that, at least - but that wasn’t to say that other girls had had similar experiences to mine with him. From the rumors Christina attempted to feed me while I was studying, he had grown close with both Jen and Clemence around the same time he and I had begun to grown close. Leana’s name was thrown around quite a bit as well. Still, together, we only made up four of the twelve remaining girls. There were eight others that he could have been more secretive in seeing.

It had been three weeks since Alaina and Saxon had been sent home. We were due for another elimination, soon.

It was then that I laid eyes on Reggie, watching the dancers in the center of the room from where she stood by one of the tables, sipping on a glass of champagne. It had been months since I’d last been able to have a solid conversation with her, when I had leant her my ecology book. We’d seen each other in passing, but these days,  all of us were so wrapped up in other exploits that it was rare to be able to get in more than a few words to each other.

Tonight, though, we had nothing but time. “Hello, Reggie!” I called out as I walked up to her. “How are you?”

Blinking a couple of times, as if I had just woken her from a stupor, she shifted her weight from one leg to the other and rolled her shoulders back. She smiled as she looked over at me, one corner of her mouth slightly higher than the other, giving me a short nod by way of greeting. “Evalin. Ça va?” Evalin. How are you.

“Ça va bien,” I answered, blinking a few times as I wracked my brain to remember the French I had continued studying on the side. I am well. It had definitely taken a backseat these past few weeks, though. Coming to a stop besides Reggie, I gestured out towards the party, fighting to find the right words through the mild haze of alcohol beginning to take a hold on me. “Um, aimez-vous cela?” Are you enjoying this? At least, that was what I hoped I had asked her.

Reggie opened her mouth, and I braced myself to receive corrections on my grammar or pronunciation. I deserved it, honestly, for not giving the language the attention it deserved, but Reggie stopped herself, smiling and shaking her head before taking another sip of champagne. “I’m enjoying myself, thank you. So are you, it seems,” she finished, raising an eyebrow at me.

“A bit,” I laughed, still a little breathless and flushed from dancing. “You look amazing, by the way! I love your dress!”

“Can’t take the credit for it.” She looked down at her dress briefly before meeting my gaze again, offering me a close lipped smile. Her face lit up every time she smiled, though I wasn’t sure she realized it. It was a good look on her.

She frowned as she took in my own ensemble, though. “There’s a cape.”

“I know!” I giggled a bit, grinning from ear to ear. “I thought the cape would be a recipe for disaster at first, but it’s been fine so far.” I hadn’t tripped over it yet, and nobody had stepped on it while we were dancing, either. It was nothing short of a miracle, though in this room, right now, it truly felt like anything could happen. I’d never felt such a sense of magic in the air, even in those happy moments with Arin on the floor of the theater. That had been magical, but in a different sense of the word.

I hoped we’d be able to recreate some of that magic again tonight. It had been so long since I’d last seen him, since he’d complimented me, and shown me that he did care about me, even if it wasn’t love yet. It was something, as he would say, and I was willing to take it from there.

I took another sip of champagne. “So, have you left the side of the room at all yet?”

“I have,” she answered with a solemn nod. “I went to the bathroom.”

I was really glad I had swallowed my champagne before she had answered. The laughter now emitting from my body had already nearly caused me to double over, and might have caused the champagne to come out of my nose. I couldn’t decide whether or not that’d be worse than getting another nosebleed.

When I straightened back up, Reggie was looking at me, her eyes almost imperceptibly wider than usual. “Oh, I haven’t danced yet, if that’s what you meant.”

I turned my head towards her, offering her a smile. “Why not?” She was an absolutely gorgeous girl, and there were plenty of eligible men here looking for a dance partner. She’d have no trouble getting someone to dance with her, if she tried.

“I don’t think I’d make a good impression if I’d attempt it,” she admitted, taking another sip of champagne as she inclined her head towards some officials, and the visiting royalty from Germany and Italy.

“You can’t be as bad as me.” I’d always had two left feet. I still sort of did, though the lessons here had definitely helped a bit, as I’d noticed earlier. I shook my head a little, still smiling as I continued, “Besides, I think everyone is too caught up in their own dancing and chatting to notice one or two uncoordinated people.” At least, I sure hoped so. That was one of the mantras I kept repeating in my head as I danced. That, and that the earlier dances were a warmup, so I wouldn’t step on the feet of the people who mattered later. I wasn’t entirely sure that the theory behind the latter statement would hold up, but it was a nice thought, at least.

Reggie bit her lip. “I’ll take it into consideration.” Then, pursing her lips, she glanced at me out of the corner of her eyes. “Any hopes for a dance partner for the evening?”

I felt my face grow ever redder, and averted my gaze to the floor, hoping Reggie wouldn’t notice. “I was planning on asking Arin, later, maybe, but I’m not sure. I might make too much of a fool of myself, in that scenario.” The last part was more or less a mumble let out under my breath. Arin was one of the only people here I actually wanted to dance with, if I was being completely honest. I had missed talking to him these past few weeks - even bickering with him. I might be eternally confused by the way he made me feel, but there was no denying that it was nice to have his attention every once and awhile, and it had definitely been a while.

I looked up at Reggie again, realizing that her name hadn’t come up often in Christina’s gossip. That was odd, considering that if any of the girls here were ready to run a country, and do it well, it would be Reggie. There was no question in my mind. So, why was Arin avoiding her, then? Or, was she avoiding him?

“What about you?” I asked, hoping her answer might reveal something.

I could’ve sworn I saw her cheeks turn pink as the question left my mouth, but I supposed I must’ve been mistaken, because she simply inclined her head towards me and asked, “You’re not sure?”

My blush deepened, if that was even possible at this point. I was likely redder than a tomato. “I would probably accidentally step on his feet,” I mumbled.

“Yes,” she replied, an amused smile flickering across her face. “that would be quite unfortunate.”

Indeed. Thanks for the reassurance, Reggie!

When I looked over at her again, she was frowning. “Are you alright?”

I furrowed my brows. “Yeah, why?” Had I voiced my thoughts aloud? I hoped not. They hadn’t exactly been the nicest words to ever have crossed through my mind. It wasn’t Reggie’s fault that I couldn’t dance, though, and I shouldn’t take my own frustrations out on her. She had done nothing to deserve that.

“Never mind.” She shook her head, turning her attention back to the people dancing in the center of the room. They spun around each other, a mass of couples smiling and laughing, just enjoying the night. That could be you and Arin, if you just sucked up your pride and asked him. I wasn’t nervous that he’d say no, but rather that he’d say yes, and then be miserable the entire time. Neither the guests, nor the cameras lining the wall, needed to bear witness to that.

“With formal dancing, you can follow Arin’s lead, I’m sure,” Reggie instructed, glancing over at me briefly with a smile on her face. “It’s usually best not to look at your feet, however, even if it’s tempting.”

“Right.” Maybe that was what I had been doing wrong. Looking at my feet had seemed like the easiest way to prevent myself from stepping on my partners feet. I flashed Reggie a small, close lipped smile, before turning back to the crowd before us. “I’ve truly never seen anything like this. It’s incredible.”

“Very,” she replied, nodding and smiling as she continued to watch the sea of people in the center of the room. The crowd seemed to be growing larger with each passing second, more couples leaving their tables and refreshments to join the fray. “I admit I haven't celebrated Illéan Independence Day in any way close to this either.”

I laughed, shaking my head. That was quite the understatement. “Me neither. We’d normally just have a barbecue, and maybe invite the neighbors and some friends over.” I turned my head to the side, looking at Reggie again. For someone who didn’t want to dance, she was utterly entranced by the people who were dancing. “Other than this -” I gestured towards the mob of people on the floor “- how have things been? I really haven’t had the chance to talk to you since we met in the library!”

“We haven't.�� It seemed like she had just come to the realization herself, judging by her frown, and the shake of her head.  “I suppose things have been -” she smiled again, gesturing towards me “- busy, for both of us then. I'm sorry I still haven't returned your book. I almost finished it though.”

“Oh, no worries! I’m in no rush to get it back!” I assured her, smiling as I turned back to the crowd. The idea of a book club that had first popped into my head when I had met her came back again, except this time it included not only me and Reggie, but also Arin. Maybe Jen, too, since it would make sense that she liked to read, given the amount of reading she’d have to do for law school. I liked the image of the four of us, cozied up around a table, books in hand, just reading, completely at peace.

If only we had the time.

“There’s been so much going on recently, I’d honestly forgotten about it,” I mused.

She dragged her attention away from the dancers, raising an eyebrow at me. “I presume it wasn't just the French keeping you busy?”

I had to laugh. “Clearly not, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.” Then, with a shake of my head, I continued, “No, I’ve been doing other work in preparation for online classes, and then we had the proposal, and of course meeting and talking to people.” It had been a crazy couple of months, a whirlwind of activity sprinkled with flakes of fun.

With a nod, Reggie replied, “Online classes are definitely time consuming. Were you happy with how your project worked out?”

“For the most part, yes. What about you?” The truth of the matter was that I was pleased with my proposal, but I wished I had had more information for the logistics of how it might be implemented. I hoped that even if I didn’t end up being involved in politics when this was all said and done, somebody would still at least consider putting my proposal to use. There were so many brilliant people in lower castes, that deserved a shot at a career they’d excel in.

“I am, actually,” Reggie answered with an absent minded smile. “Hopefully they'll assign us another one -” she paused to take another sip of champagne, raising her shoulder slightly “-while I'm still here, of course.”

While she was still here? It almost sounded like she expected to be sent home soon. I couldn’t imagine being in the palace without Reggie. Even though we didn’t talk frequently, it was always nice to see her around, and she was such a constant presence at meals, and in lessons. Who else was going to ridicule me for missing breakfast to run, or using too many exclamation points while texting? There’d be a hole if she was gone, that I was sure I wouldn’t be the only one to feel.

We’d all grown kind of close lately. There were very few girls left that I hadn’t spoken with privately - just Nemesis, Brooke, and Tavi. I felt rather attached to all of them. If only there was some way that we could all stay here, even though only one of us could win Arin’s heart.

I hoped with every fiber of my being that I’d be the one to do just that. I got happy just thinking about talking to him. It was completely irrational and illogical, and went against all reason, but I couldn’t control the way that I felt. Yes, Arin was frustrating, confusing, a tad prickly, and easily upset. He had his flaws - we all did - but he was also caring, willing to listen, and, quite simply, kind. He didn’t push others to do what was too uncomfortable for them to bear, but was willing to help them if they wanted to push themselves out of their usual comfort zones. It was difficult not to want to love a man like that.

I hoped he knew I thought that of him.

I took another sip of champagne at the thought of anybody being sent home soon. “That’d be lovely. There’s so much more I’d like to do, and yet I get the sense that my days here are numbered.” I sighed, looking over the crowd. Much like Reggie, I had considered my own fragile position in this competition. While I felt like there was definitely something between Arin and I, I couldn’t deny that his advisors would probably push some of the other girls over me. What did I really have to bring to the table, after all, besides the ability to speak Swendish, and some killer organizational skills? I may have strong feelings for Arin, but that didn’t necessarily make me worthy of being the queen of a nation. That would take a different kind of person; one with more confidence, poise, and political savvy than I possessed.

So I had begun coming up with background plans. I was a biologist. It was near impossible to imagine my life outside of the Selection without the subject I had been passionate about for nearly all of my almost twenty-one years at this point. If Proctor was going to prevent me from working in labs or research centers in Illéa, then I’d set my sights across the ocean, in the country of my grandparents. Swendway. I’d submitted three transfer applications for the Spring of 2091 - one to the University of Stockholm, one to the University of Oslo, and one final one to the Arctic University of Tromsø. Nothing was set in stone. I likely wouldn’t even hear back from the universities until October or November, but it was still comforting to have a backup plan that wasn’t writing terrible travel brochures, just in case.

I hoped with all my heart that it wouldn’t come to that.

Reggie tilted her head to the side, frowning. “Care to elaborate?”

“It’s just with the recent eliminations, getting so close to the final ten,” I began, turning my head to look at Reggie again, “it’s starting to feel so much more real, you know? We’re not just flying under the radar, sliding through, anymore. We’ve got to be here still for a reason.”

“I'm aware, yes,” she responded, looking as if she was holding in a sigh, “though, I was under the impression you are still here for a reason.”

“Yes,” I began, nodding, “arguably the same reason we’re all here - to win. I just hadn’t expected to get this close. I’ve…” I trailed off, looking at her, trying to determine if she was annoyed by my carrying on. She simply maintained her same curious expression, however. “I’ve definitely learned a lot, just from being here, which I’m beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to do, but I’m not sure I’d be able to apply what I’ve learned to my old life, if I’m to go back to it.”

I wasn’t going back to Knoxville, to Proctor, to Lukas. I refused.

Pressing her lips together, she nodded, looking out over the crowd once more. “I think you will, if that's the case. Perhaps not directly in your lab work, yet these months hold experiences that go even further than work alone.” After a moment’s pause, she furrowed her brows, as if she was confused by her own words. Knowing that Reggie was just as much of a workaholic as I was, I couldn’t blame her. We were both the type to let out work and passions eat away at us until they consumed us whole, controlling out every waking thought and second of time. That wasn’t usually seen as a good thing, but a queen would need a strong work ethic, so I didn’t think it was an entirely terrible trait.

“Indeed. Do you ever think about it - what’s going to happen in the next few months?” I nodded as I took another sip of champagne. This was my third glass, counting the one I had toasted with my parents, and the one I had had at dinner. Maybe I needed to slow my roll. I was beginning to feel more pensive than usual, which was typical of me when I drank wine or champagne.

“I try, since I prefer to plan ahead. However all the things I had planned a couple months ago didn't go as expected either, so perhaps I shouldn't even attempt it.”

I nodded, understanding where she was coming from completely. “I feel the same way. There’s so many different paths this all could take, and there’s only so many occurrences I can plan for,” I finished with a nervous chuckle. Up until a few months ago, I had had my whole life planned out, at least in a vague manner. I was going to graduate college, get a job in a lab, researching potential cures for cancer, buy my own apartment, share said apartment with a dog and some small plants, meet the man of my dreams somewhere along the way, and start a family with him. Our children would watch the two of us grow old, seeing how much we loved each other, and knowing that we loved them just as much.

She raised an eyebrow at me, the corners of her lips twitching upwards ever so slightly. “And if you could plan it?”

That was a good question. There were two main paths my life could take from here. Either, I’d make it all the way, and end up becoming Arin’s wife, or I’d be sent packing at some point. Both paths had their own unique slough of interesting consequences. The former option would mean that I’d likely have to transfer to Angeles University and finish up my education there. I’d have to learn more about what being a princess, and eventually a queen, would entail. In addition, I’d likely also face some pressure to provide Arin with a heir. Hopefully I’d have a few years before people really started pestering me about that. I was just barely an adult myself - I wouldn’t know the first thing about caring for a child.

The latter option would entail first figuring out how to tell my parents that I would not be returning home, since I hadn’t even told them that I’d submitted transfer applications to Swendish universities. The only person I had even sort of confided that to had been Jen. Then, I’d have to get myself to Swendway, and likely find some living arrangements there, make some new friends and professional connections, and figure out how to move on with my life. Ideally, I’d like to still at least be friends with Arin, but I wasn’t entirely sure that’d be possible, at least not immediately. Even just the thought of him choosing someone else over me made my heart ache. I’d better get used to it, though, because statistically speaking, that was the more likely outcome.

Isn’t the prince of Swendway around your age? Maybe you could meet him and fall in love with him instead.

That’d be ironic, and highly unlikely.

I rolled my eyes at Reggie, flashing her a crooked smile. “Do you even have to ask?”

“I was simply not trying to presume anything, Evalin,” she answered, her voice betraying her amusement at the matter.

“Naturally,” I replied with a chuckle. “What if you could plan it - what would that look like?”

“I'd make use of the experience as much as possible, of course. Finish my studies,” she paused, straightening her spine, her voice alight with passion as she spoke, “and hopefully, come back, for a job.”

So her intention in coming here had been to open more doors for her professional life, then. I had to hand it to her, that was an incredibly well thought out plan, that had been an overwhelming success, if you asked me. “Hoping to be an advisor, then?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. Lord only knew that Arin, and likely his future wife, whoever she may be, would need as many of those as they could get.

I’ll give her the job for sure, if I win.

“Possibly.” She kept her tone casual as she looked out over the crowd. “Don't plan to apply for maid, at least.”

Had she just made a joke? I never thought I’d live to see the day! “I’d imagine,” I laughed out, lowering my voice before turning back to the crowd. “You’d be great at it, though. You truly are extremely knowledgeable, and think things over very logically, which is a useful skill.”

She lit up, a wide smile flickering across her face, before it faded back into her more common close-lipped smile. “Thank you.”

Smiling in return, I shook my head. “No need to thank me -” I elbowed her gently in the side “- thank yourself, and the hard work I’m sure you put into it.”

She blinked once as I pulled my elbow back to my side, a small smile playing on her lips as her eyes scanned the room again. They locked in on an important looking man in a suit, standing against the wall by himself. A government official of some sort, then? As I pondered who he might be, Reggie cleared her throat. “Speaking of which -” she pursed her lips “- Good luck tonight, Evalin. Remember to not look down at your feet; it won't help.”

I nodded. It was clear that regardless of who the guy across the room was, she wanted to talk to him. Time for me to return to dancing, then. “Yes, thank you.” With that, I began walking off into the crowd, finishing my glass of champagne and then looking over my shoulder at Reggie. “I’ll see you around, I hope?”

Nodding, she smiled. “Of course.”

I watched as she power walked across the room, impressed that she could do that in heels. My own feet were beginning to hurt, but I knew that I’d be able to ignore that as soon as I started dancing. Surprisingly, I had found that dancing was a lot like running. If I just focused on getting through the first few minutes, my body would go on autopilot, my mind emptying itself of all thoughts as I waltzed and reeled my way through song after song with partner after partner. Some of them were more interesting than others, and I made an effort to keep track of the names of the ones I rather enjoyed chatting and dancing with, but I was beginning to suspect that I wouldn’t remember many of them come morning.

Another song ended, and I curtsied to the man I had just finished up dancing with, laughing as I turned away, my cheeks aching with the size of my unfading smile. This night had truly been exactly the kind of break I had needed.

When I opened my eyes again as I finished laughing, I was greeted with the sight of a hand in front of me. I knew that hand. I had looked upon it often, as I sat on the floor of the Angeles Ballet’s theater, my head resting on his shoulder, and his head on mine. I felt my mouth form an o-shape, and I dragged my gaze upwards, only to be met with Arin’s smiling face.

I couldn’t tell whether my face felt hot from the champagne, or something else entirely.

“May I have this dance?”

Yes, sir. In fact, you can have all of my dances, if you want to.

I placed my hand in his, the same feeling of rightness I had felt that day in the theater washing over me like a wave. “Of course,” I answered with a smile.

He pulled me closer, leading me through the first few steps of the dance. My heart was beating so loudly in my ears that I almost couldn’t hear him as he asked. “How is your night so far?”

I could barely focus, being so close to him. All that champagne had been a bad idea. My walls were lowered, my inhibitions all but gone, and yet, I was kind of okay with it. I was vaguely aware of the fact that I had to be careful, though. I couldn’t kiss him, or anything of the sort, not with all the foreign dignitaries present. It was a damn shame. He looked pretty kissable tonight.

“Pretty good, I’d say,” I answered, already laughing as I planned my next joke. My head lifted upwards, my eyes meeting his as my laughter faded into an amused smile. He had such a nice face - nice to look at, and kind, at its very core. Although, I was pretty sure I only thought that second part because of the kindness he had been showing me, recently.“Warming up, so I don’t accidentally step on the feet of anybody important, you know? What about you?”

He just shrugged. “It hasn't been too bad- just a lot of making the rounds.”

The rounds? Did he mean with the Selected girls? Here I had been, thinking I was special.

Reminder: you really are a goddamned fool.

I didn’t think it was the increased jitteriness and nerves associated with sleep deprivation speaking, this time. Or maybe it was that, just in combination with a good bit of alcohol. Either way, I had questions, and I needed answers if I had any hope of sleeping tonight.

I raised an eyebrow at him, smirking a little. “Is that all this is to you, then?”

He blinked once, as if the question had caught him off guard. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t have expected it. It had been a few weeks since we had talked, and he had just admitted to making rounds at this party. My question was the product of a logical conclusion I had drawn.

“I was actually taking a break from that, which is why I came over.”

“Good answer.” My eyes were completely lost in his face - his eyes, his lips, the way he was looking at me - as I chuckled. I had to keep talking, if only to prevent myself from doing something I’d live to regret later. So, lowering my voice, I added, “I’d hate to be just another box to check off on your to-do list.”

Not a lie. I wanted to mean something to him. I wanted him to love me.

I couldn’t force him to do that, though.

“Do I make you feel that way?” he asked, curiosity glimmering in his eyes before he looked around us, and then spun me.

I waited until after I was back in front of him to answer, too focused on keeping my balance as I spun to trust myself to talk without falling flat on my ass. Sure, he had fallen in front of me, but not surrounded by foreign royalty and the prominent political figures of Illéa. I kept my voice low as I spoke, just loud enough so that he could still hear me over the music. “Generally, you just kind of make me confused,” I answered honestly, shrugging, and still smiling at him.

He took a deep breath, something about it almost shaky to me. That mustn't have been the answer he’d wanted. Oops. “I seem to get that a lot. I'm working on being more clear.”

“Yes, you’ve told me as much before,” I said, giving him what I hoped was a reassuring smile as I recalled the time we had talked over bourbon in the hallway outside of the library. I wanted to let him know that his efforts weren’t going unnoticed. I saw him trying harder. We were kind of similar in that sense - both more willing to listen to other people’s thoughts and feelings, than to share secrets of our own. It was something we’d have to remedy, if we planned on pursuing this relationship. From what I knew, which admittedly, wasn’t much, good communication was the key to a successful, long-lasting relationship, and right now, Arin and I weren’t there. I hoped that we would be one day, though, sooner rather than later.

“I appreciate it. I’m sure I don’t make it easy either, with my constant questions, and my own -” I paused, trying to find the right word, “- omission of details in most of my answers. I guess it’s something we both have to work on, in a way,” I finished with a shrug.

A small frown crept down his face. “Are you okay, Ev? You seem a little bit off tonight.”

“Ev,” I repeated, my smile softening, my eye drifting down towards the floor to my side. A nickname. He had a fricking nickname for me. Nobody outside of my own family had bothered to give me a pet name, ever. The significance of that one syllable wasn’t lost on me.

“Oh!” My eyes snapped up, focusing on Arin again. Right, he had asked a question! “Yes, I’m good! Really enjoying myself, actually!” This is the best I’ve felt in the past few weeks. All my exhaustion, all my worries, all my plans for the potential futures in front of me were gone, tossed out the window as I looked at him. The couples around us faded into nothingness in my mind, the music itself even dimming out in my ears, until it was just me and Arin, dancing, close together.

“Are you sure?” He smiled, the appearance of it somewhere in between reassuring and concerned. “We can talk about it if you like.”

I wasn’t sure, if I was being honest. I was tired, I was stressed, and I was probably a tad overworked, though that wasn’t really an uncommon combination for me. On top of school, I still didn’t know why my father had called me at two in the morning his time all those weeks ago, or what Lukas had meant when he said things were getting bad back home. I had decided to forego the credit for my biochemistry lab, so I’d have to figure out how I would make that up at some point. I wasn’t sure what Proctor was up to, and the fact that she had been so quiet set me on edge. Lastly, I was nervous about where Arin and I stood in terms of our relationship, if we could even call it that. I knew how I felt, but his feelings were still entirely a mystery to me. I was losing sleep over it all. Most nights, I just laid in my bed for five hours, managing to sleep for maybe half of that time, until I just gave up, and went for my morning run. It wasn’t sustainable. It might help to confide in someone, about it all.

Here was my chance.

My smile faltered. Part of me still wanted to just brush off his concern and say that everything was fine, because he was already stressed enough about his own workload and problems regarding the Selection and politics. I absolutely did not want to add to that. At the same time, though, I had told him multiple times that I would appreciate him being more clear and open with me, and I’d be a complete hypocrite if I didn’t do the same thing in return.

“I’ve just been lost in thought a lot, lately. I -” I shook my head, averting my gaze to the ground the moment I heard my voice crack. I wouldn’t break down. Not here, not now, not yet. “I’d like to be more open, I think, but is this really the time and place?” I looked up at him again, trying my best to smile. Please don’t worry about me. I don’t want to put that on you. “Tonight has been a lot of fun, and you should get to enjoy it too, without having to hear about my problems, that probably aren’t even as big as I think they are anyway.” I hesitated for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to assuage even one of my worries, before taking a chance and adding, “Though, if I could ask you one question, maybe?”

He blinked, that same look of surprise flashing across his face yet again. “Yeah, of course.”

He was going to live to regret that answer. He probably wouldn’t even answer my question - or, in classic Arin fashion, he’d give me a non-answer. Still, if it meant I could sleep a little easier tonight, it would be worth it.

Here goes nothing. “Okay, you asked me how you made me feel, and I gave you my honest answer, but -” I took a deep breath, the sound of it shaky, my shoulders trembling slightly as they rose and fell, and looked up again to meet his eyes “- how do you feel about this?”

“I'm still figuring out my feelings.” His voice was quieter now, the deep breath he took a mirror image of my own. It wasn’t exactly a non-answer, but it wasn’t much of an answer, either. It changed nothing. At least he had been honest, though.

“I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted.”

I narrowed my eyes, offering him a small smile as I shook my head. “The only answer I wanted was the truth. I’d rather know that, than you lie and tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“Have I ever done that to you - lied, I mean, about my feelings?” His throat bobbed as he swallowed, his eyes darting away for a moment.

This was not the conversation I had intended to have at all. Yet, I was glad we were able to finally be so candid with each other. It was a relief to get his full and real opinion, like the first, frantic breath of air after breaking through the surface of the ocean.

“I don’t think so,” I answered, shaking my head. “I mean, we talked in the hallway, after the roller skating date, and you said you basically wanted to send us all home, and then a few days later, we kissed in the library, which kind of sent out mixed signals, but -” I sighed a little “- I think that’s more on me overthinking than it is on you.” Sorry, for doing that with every interaction we have. I would’ve voiced my thoughts allowed as I looked up at him again, my smile soft, had I not remembered how often he asked me not to apologize. Hadn’t I told him I was working on that? I had to live up to my word, if I expected him to live up to his.

“Well, how do you feel now?” he asked, squeezing my hand gently.

My own gaze drifted down to our hands, clasped together like they were two halves of a whole, like they were meant to hold each other. I needed to stop seeing it like that. He clearly had feelings for other girls. It was best that I brace myself for the worst.

Yet, I couldn’t give up the hope that we might be meant to be.

“A bit better than before, now that we both know where we stand.”

He took a deep breath, holding it for a few moment, before releasing it and asking, “Tell me what you want?”

I narrowed my eyes. What did he mean by that? What did I want right then and there? To dance the night away with him, to laugh, to sneak out with him into someplace secluded, and maybe confuse his feelings a little more by stealing some kisses. Or did he mean the question more generally?

I decided the latter was more likely. “Just to get to know you - even as simply a friend! I -” I swallowed, trying to figure out what direction I should take this sentence in “- I’ve never had many, and I’d like that very much.”

I had more friends now than I had ever had before, and I was afraid I hadn’t been a very good friend to them in return. I’d been stubborn, quick to criticize, aloof, judgemental - everything a friend wasn’t supposed to be.

“Evalin, haven't we been friends?” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts. “I don't take people I don't like to the ballet or give them book recommendations, and I certainly wouldn't ask them to dance with me - unless they're so foreign head of state and I have to.”

Good to know I get the same treatment as a foreign head of state. How romantic.

How to explain myself? “No - I mean, yes, those are things friends would do - but -” my shoulders sagged, and I was unable to quite meet his eye “- I just feel like I don’t know anything about you, is all.”

Why had I said that? Fuck, I was really making a mess of what had been a nice night.

“And I know you’re working on it, and I get that, I just…” I shook my head, my eyes wide as I forced myself to offer him a smile. “Sorry, this isn’t coming out right, at all.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” He tilted his head to the side, his eyes on me, boring into me, like he was trying to read me like a book.

I mimicked his head movement as I considered his question. “Anything, I suppose. Details - I like little details. I’ll even make a trade - a detail for a detail.” Righting my head once again, I gave him a sheepish grin, though it was more genuine than my smile had been moments ago.

“Okay.” He nodded. “Then, ask.”

“Okay.” The question was, what to ask him? I stared at the wall over his shoulder, biting my lip a little as I did. The details I wanted were more personal, and not at all befitting of the time and place. Most embarrassing childhood memory? What would your ideal life look like? Tell me a story that shaped who you are today. “How do you take your coffee?”

I made a mental note to ask him to talk at some point in the upcoming weeks. We could be more open then, and ask less superficial questions, hopefully.

He paused. Then, “Usually I prefer tea, but if I have coffee I like it with a  bit of milk.”

“Any kind of tea, in particular?”

“Earl Grey,” he answered, raising his eyebrows at me.

I wrinkled my nose, laughing at his answer. At home, we referred to Earl Grey as, “the British dishwater tea.” Somehow, it felt like that fit with who he was, as a person.

“Interesting.” No, this isn’t. “So, um, I guess you get a question now, if you want.”

“What's your favorite ice cream flavor?” he asked with a soft smile.

“Strawberry,” I answered without hesitation. Perhaps I could make my answer a little less superficial by elaborating. That might be a good tactic! “There was this little ice cream shop in my mother’s hometown that we always used to go to when we visited my grandparents, that made the best strawberry ice cream I have ever had.” I shook my head, chuckling as I added, “Nothing quite compares.”

“Strawberry is okay.” He looked lost in thought, as if he was mulling over my choice of ice cream flavor. “I prefer chocolate though. Always chocolate.”

“Chocolate can be good. It’s a classic,” I conceded, nodding once, then laughing a little. “As long as you don’t say vanilla is your favorite flavor, we’re good in my book.”

“What's wrong with vanilla?” He narrowed his eyes slightly, furrowing his brows.

“It doesn’t taste like anything!” I wrinkled my nose at the memory of trying vanilla ice cream as a very young child. “It’s like eating ice!”

“I can't say I agree with you there. Vanilla is a good flavor. Just not the best.”

I hummed thoughtfully, shaking my head. With a grin, I replied, “This might be a dealbreaker.”

He shrugged. “Aren't you supposed to accept all flaws in a relationship?”

“I was taught never to compromise my morals in a relationship.” I shook my head, doing my best to keep my expression serious for the sake of the joke, but I couldn’t hold it for more than a few seconds. This conversation was ridiculous. I had to laugh.

He raised his eyebrows at me. “I think it's a mixed bag. Compromises have to be made.”

“Yes, of course,” I agreed, “but not all the time. People can be wrong sometimes.”

“Wrong?” He inclined his head to the side, looking at me with genuine curiosity.

“Yes.” Did he seriously not think that it was possible for some people to be incorrect? The thought was absurd! With a laugh, I continued. “Some things do have a right and a wrong answer, you know?”

“And what about right now? Is one of us right or wrong?”

What did he mean by that? I wasn’t sure if we were talking about ice cream at this point, or something more.Was one of us right or wrong about this relationship? If that was the case, I sure hoped I was right, but did that mean that he didn’t agree that we had something between us, if we disagreed on that?

Ignoring the fact that my head was spinning, I raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you think?”

“Honestly? I’m not even sure anymore?”

Oh, good. “I guess we’re confused together, then,” I announced with a laugh.

He wasn’t as amused as I was, apparently. With a frown, he nodded slowly, his eyes distant even as he looked at me. “I guess we are.”

“Is there something wrong with that?” I inclined my head to the side, frowning now as well.

“Indecision isn't exactly a great quality of a future leader.”

He was right.

The song began to wind down at that moment, and I just about thanked my lucky stars. If we kept going like this, I was either going to kiss him to shut him up, and to shut my own thoughts up, or say something that would get me kicked out of the Selection for sure. Or, worse than both of those options, I might cry. Nope. I needed to get out of here. I’d ask Arin if he could talk another time, when I was more sober, and he didn’t have to make rounds, and there were no foreign dignitaries surrounding us.

“Well, just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean nobody does,” I offered, fixing him with one last smile. “You can ask others for help, input, or advice, you know?”

“About us?” He inclined his head for a moment, keeping his eyes on me even as he let go of my hand and took a few steps away. So, he had meant our relationship, then. Oh, God. He didn’t feel the same way about me that I felt about him, and now he was stepping away, because either he was trying to let me down slowly and gently, or because he just didn’t know what to say.  

I couldn’t breathe. I needed to get out of here.

“In general.” I forced a laugh, curtsying before beginning to back away. “Thank you for the dance, Arin.”

He just nodded. “Of course.”

“See you around!” I offered him one last smile and nod before scurrying off. Air. I needed air. When had it gotten so stuffy in here? I beelined for the doors to the garden, which I had heard had been decorated with lights for the guests. The cool night air would do me some good.

I grabbed another flute of champagne on my way out, downing half of it in one go. More mistakes, but if my days here were numbered more than I had thought they were, I was determined to enjoy my time here while it lasted.

I wasn’t sure where I was walking, but I didn’t really care. The cool night air felt good against my skin, and that was all that mattered to me. There weren’t many people out in the garden at the moment, and those that were walking around weren’t familiar to me. So, I took in the lights and decorations instead, just as intricate as their indoor counterparts. To think that this might be one of the last time I walked these paths…

No. I couldn’t let my mind wander down that path. For all I knew, I was just overthinking things again, and in my tipsy stupor, Arin had confused me, and I had confused him in turn. We really needed to work on our communication skills. I’d have to start asking him to clarify what he was trying to say when I couldn’t tell in the future. It didn’t matter if doing so made me sound unintelligent; he already knew that I was smart. He had called me as much before we had kissed in the library. Very smart. Stunning. Adorable. Plus, he had said he liked me.

We were going to be okay. I just had to breathe.

There was a person blocking the path in front of me. I squinted, trying to make out who it was in the dim lighting, based off of their silhouette alone.

Hugo.

It was nice to see a friendly face. Or, rather, to kind of see a friendly face, given the lighting.

I walked up to him, watching the way he just seemed to stare into the distance, looking at everything and nothing in particular, his hands in his pockets. “Stopping to smell the roses?” I asked, chuckling a little at my own joke.

He turned around, smiling softly as I came to a stop a few feet from him. “Oh, hi, Evalin. How are you tonight?”

“I’m really good, actually,” I lied, smiling as I attempted to keep the good spirits I had been in at the start of the ball alive. “How are you?”

He looked at the ground for a moment, his smile growing as he did. Someone must have made him very happy tonight, then. At least somebody here knew where they stood in a relationship.

“I'm doing really well, thanks,” he answered, glancing around. “What brings you out here?”

“The breeze,” I answered, moving to stand beside him, my attention caught by the yellow flowers that dotted the bush in front of us, “and the fresh air. I never thought a room here could feel so stuffy.” Wrinkling my nose, I looked up at him, a small smile playing at my lips.

“And this wasn't that stuffy at all,” he replied with a laugh, taking a deep breath.

I felt my eyes go wide as I considered his words. The crowds could get bigger than this? From the sounds of it, they very likely could, and often did. That didn’t necessarily seem like a bad thing to me, though. The only reason I had felt like I had needed the fresh air to begin with was because of my own thoughts, and Arin, muddling them up even further.

So I shook off my concern, taking a sip of champagne before turning to look at Hugo again. Speaking of Arin…

“Oh, while I have you here - I wanted to thank you, for, uh, encouraging -” there was a certain uptilt to my voice, like the verb I had used was the only thing I was questioning within the sentence “- me to ask Arin to take me to the ballet. We went, and it was amazing.” It really had been. I couldn’t figure out why I had even freaked out about the possibility of Arin not liking me, I realized, a smile creeping back onto my face. That entire night had been so lovely. There was no way something that wasn’t real could feel so right.

He tossed a smile in my direction, turning his head to look at me. “Did it? I'm really glad. I know he can be difficult sometimes, so I'm really glad he took you.”

Yeah, “difficult,” is one way to put it.

“You know, when you first suggested it, I thought it was crazy. I had to wonder if we were even talking about the same Arin, you know?” I snorted, shaking my head. “He’s complex.”

He raised his eyebrows at me, the movement so similar to what I had seen Arin do many times before, that it was hard for me to comprehend how I hadn’t realized they were related earlier on during my first meeting with Hugo. “Aren't we all?”

He was right. Even I had noticed how some of the traits that frustrated me the most about Arin were traits that I exhibited myself. I had likely been too quick to judge Arin, after our first few interactions.

“Arin's always been a bit -” Hugo paused, glancing off into the distance “- different, but there's some good there even if it's hard to see sometimes.”

Once again, Hugo was right, I realized, feeling my smile soften.“I think I see it, sometimes.” My voice was distant, even to my own ears, as I thought about the moments of kindness that still shone through to me - the way Arin always offered to listen, the way he never pushed me for details if I didn’t want to share, even the way he had literally pulled over the car to help me with my nosebleed. Had I offered him the same compassion in return? I wasn’t sure I had.

Turning back to Hugo, I concluded, “But you’re absolutely right. Complexity is what makes humans so human, for lack of a better word.”

He nodded in agreement, but his words contradicted the motion. “But sometimes simplicity is best - like the way those lights in the garden look, or how there's something so calming about night air.”

“That’s why science was always so appealing to me,” I admitted, glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. “There’s a right answer, and a wrong answer, with little room for interpretation, most of the time.”

“I like the in between - where there's no right or wrong. Where everything is open for interpretation.”

“Is that not more complex?” I furrowed my brows, turning my head to look at him once again. Did such a thing even exist? Sure, there were shades of grey in many conceptual arguments, but there was still a spectrum of right and wrong. It was what governed human morality, and the majority of our actions.

Hugo simply shrugged in response. “Not to me. It just feels right. Like that tree over there -” he pointed “- I don't need to know all the tiny details about how it works to see that it's beautiful.”

I tilted my head a bit, biting the inside of my cheek as I followed his finger to the tree he had mentioned, all the while considering his words. Had it not been for the one brain cell in my head still functioning properly, I might have started to explain xylem and phloem to him, and why they were important to the survival of the tree. That made more sense to me than the argument that the existence of the tree itself was just beautiful. Beauty was such a subjective thing. The tree wasn’t ugly, sure, but I wouldn’t have described it as beautiful, either. It was just a tree, plain and simple. Why complicate it, and assign it more adjectives?

“That makes sense,” I relented, though I still wasn’t entirely sure I agreed. “I guess just knowing the tiny details makes the big picture more interesting, to me.”

He looked down at me once more, offering me a small smile. “And that's fine. That's what makes you who you are.”

I blinked a couple of times, not prepared to handle talking with a Stanton or Schreave and being introspective at the same time. One often baffled me, and the other was something I actively tried to avoid. I was tipsy, sure, but not nearly enough to be having this conversation. Taking another sip of champagne, I nodded slowly, mustering up the courage to ask the only question on my mind at the moment. “Is my need to know everything really that obvious?” And is it as annoying as I imagine it to be?

His affirming nod made my stomach roll. “Yeah, but it isn't bad. It's just part of who you are.”

“Duly noted,” I replied, nodding and letting out a wry laugh before averting my gaze to the lights again. At least he was trying to make it seem like I was less nosy than I must seem. With a half smile, I went to ask my next question, the irony of me doing so not lost on me. “Any other facets of my personality I need to be made aware of?”

“Sweet, funny, has a nice laugh,” he answered, turning his head upwards, his eyes locking in on the stars.

“Oh.” I blushed at the compliment, finishing off the little bit of champagne I had left. I’d been expecting him to point out more areas of myself that I might improve upon, but I supposed what he had said was welcome as well. Maybe it was just the alcohol, but his voice began to mingle with Arin’s in my mind. Very smart. Sweet. Stunning. Funny. Adorable. Has a nice laugh.

I needed to focus on something else. I had come out here to get out of my head, not further into it.  

I followed his gaze upwards, taking in the stars, which were surprisingly easy to see, despite the fact that we were fairly close to a large metropolitan area. I had expected the light pollution levels to be higher. Nonetheless, I squinted at the stars, attempting to see if I could make out anything familiar. My grandfather had tried to teach my siblings and I how to use the stars as a method of navigation when we were younger, but it had never really stuck with me. I did, however, recognize one constellation, shaped like a lopsided box. “You can see Lyra really well tonight,” I observed, pointing it out.

“Which one is it?” he asked, squinting in the direction I was pointing. With a little laugh, he added, “Sorry, I haven't picked out constellations since I was a kid.”

“Don’t worry,” I reassured him with a laugh, “Lyra is the only one I really know, because it made me so angry as a kid.”

“It’s so stupid,” I complained to my father. “It’s a diagonal square. How is that a constellation?”

I pointed upwards towards the brightest star in the constellation, a ball of gas three times the size of our own sun. “That bright star is Vega, which is the bottom right corner. Then, connect the dots into a lopsided parallelogram -” I traced the shape in the sky with my index finger “- and voilà - Lyra.”

I felt his eyes on me as I drew the constellation in the air, watching him nod out of the corner of my eyes when he finally saw what I was pointing out. “Aha! There it is!”

“Yep!” I offered him another smile before looking back up at the lopsided parallelogram that had the audacity to call itself a constellation - and a lyre, at that! The homonym “liar,” was more fitting, in my opinion. “It’s a funny little thing.”

He glanced over at me again. “I'm impressed. Thanks for pointing it out to me.”

“No problem,” I replied, shaking my head. “As I said, though, my knowledge of constellations starts and ends there, so I can help you no further, I am afraid.”

At that, he laughed, the sound mingling with the crickets and the low voices of the other people in the gardens. “Well, that's better than my absolute lack of knowledge.”

“Is it, though?” I angled my head towards him a bit, a small smile playing at my lips. “Hear me out - if you know nothing, nobody questions you on it, because nobody expects you to have the answers, but if you know the bare minimum about a subject, people ask you questions as if you’re an expert, because they expect you to know all the answers, even if you don’t.”

Once again, he laughed, though I couldn’t quite figure out what about what I had just said warranted such a reaction. “Well, then it looks like I need to brush up on trivial facts so I can become an expert on everything.”

If only. I laughed. “It works until someone asks you an easy question that you would know, and you answer it incorrectly.”

“Didn't you say the bare minimum is enough to make you an expert?”

No, I hadn’t. At least, I didn’t think that I had. That hadn’t been what I was trying to say.

“It’s enough to make some people expect you to be an expert,” I explained again, frowning. “Sorry, I must’ve jumbled up my words when I spoke earlier.”

“Perhaps it's the champagne?” He laughed again. Maybe that was all he knew how to do, in these types of situations.

I laughed lightly, feeling some of the heat that had left my face return. “I’d like to think I’m not that much of a lightweight.”

“The bubbles can catch you off guard,” he offered by way of explanation.

I shot him a look out of the corner of my eyes, a joking smile on my face. “Speaking from experience?”

“This isn't my first ball,” he answered, chuckling. The thought of Hugo drunk, or even tipsy, was rather entertaining to me. It seemed like something most of the members of the royal family were somehow above, though I supposed it was impossible for someone to be completely immune to the effects of alcohol. They’d probably all been drunk or tipsy at some point. They were human, after all. Why did I have to keep reminding myself of that?

I nodded. “Of course. Fond memories?”

The smile that lit up his face was answer enough. “I always take away at least one good memory from a ball.”

“Any notable ones from tonight yet?” I asked, nodding once as I looked back up from the sky. It was a good philosophy, to always look for the silver lining. It was something I should try and do more often, if I was being honest with myself. It might spare me from some of the negativity I had been feeling as of late.

Hugo averted his gaze to the ground. “One or two.”

I smiled at him, genuinely happy, for his sake. He was a nice guy, and, much like everyone else present tonight, deserved to enjoy himself. “Good. I’m glad to hear you’re having a good time!”

“Are you having a good time?” he asked, looking back up at me.

Hadn’t I already answered this question at the beginning of our conversation?

“Yes,” I answered firmly. “This is the most I’ve danced, ever, I think, and I’ve only stepped on three peoples feet, which is a personal best, for me.”

“I'm glad to hear you're having fun,” he replied with a laugh. “I know these sorts of events can be a bit tricky sometimes.”

“Thank you. It’s -” my smile softened a bit, as I considered the manner in which I’d have spent this evening if I was back in Carolina, surrounded by my family, “- different, but not necessarily in a bad way.”

“It's all about who you dance with,” he stated, smiling. “According to my sister you should avoid Clarke Monroe at all costs, ‘no matter how cute he is’.” With a laugh, he answered my question before I could even ask it. “That's a direct quote.”

I chuckled. I hadn’t met his sister yet, but she sounded like a fun girl to be around, if that sort of statement was typical of her. “I haven’t bumped into Mr. Monroe yet, but I’ll keep an eye out,” I said, nodding once. Then, sighing, I looked around us one last time, my gaze lingering on the palace doors in the distance. I couldn’t spend the entire night out here, as nice as it might be.

Turning to Hugo, I  decided, “Speaking of which, I think I’m going to head back in.”

“I think I'll stay out here a little longer,” he replied, inclining his head a bit. Then, with a glance towards the palace and a smile, he amended, “Not too long, though.”

I couldn’t help but wonder who that smile might be for as I began to back away, meeting his smile with one of my own. “Well, if you find yourself in need of a dance partner, I promise to try my best not to step on your toes.”

He just laughed. “I just might take you up on that offer.”

“Well, you know where to find me if you do, but if you don’t, then enjoy the rest of the dance.” I waved one last time, before turning around and heading back inside.

True to my word, once I returned back inside, I danced until I couldn’t feel my feet at all anymore. Somewhere along the way, I had consumed another glass of champagne, though I swore up and down to myself that that would be my last one of the night. I didn’t want to accidentally fall asleep before midnight, when we’d throw the powder in the air. That was the part I had been looking forward to the most.

As another song ended, I made the decision to take a break and leave the dance floor. I was breathless, and knew I was red in the face as I chuckled to myself, drunk on happiness and joy, more so than just champagne. It was time for some water, and maybe some conversation. I scanned the room as I picked up the tiny plastic cup of water from the refreshment table, my eyes stopping when I spotted Clemence sitting by herself off to the side of the room, a plate of what looked like cake on the table in front of her. That seemed odd, for her, but I shook my concern off for the moment, deciding to approach her and at the very least say hello. I hadn’t seen her in ages.

“Hello!” I called as I got closer to where she was sitting, waving to her with the hand that was not holding my cup of water.

Clemence was using a fork to cut another bite of cake as I approached. Hearing my voice, she looked up, blinking once, as if she was seeing the ball, and the people dancing around her for the first time. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Oh, hey, Evalin.”

Something was wrong.

I frowned, pulling out one of the chairs next to her, and taking a seat. Clemence had been there for me whenever I had needed her to be. She had been the definition of a good friend, and what had I been, besides an additional source of stress in her life?

It was time to repay the favor. “Is everything alright?”

“Fine enough,” she answered with a distracted bod, taking another bite and looking around as she chewed. She didn’t sound or look fine at all. Remembering what she had shared with me the first time we had spoken, I frowned, ready to sit with her the entire night, if that was what she needed.

Before I could say anything else, she asked, “Enjoying the ball?”

“Very much,” I answered, my frown deepening despite my positive feelings towards the majority of the night’s activities. “You?”

Clemence shrugged, the smile on her face clearly forced. “I’ve had better balls, to be honest.”

Yeah, okay, Clemence. Between her faked contentment with her current situation, whatever it was, and her uppity joke, it was impossible for me to not roll my eyes. I couldn’t help but feel sympathy for her, though. Hadn’t I been trying to cover up my own problems in front of everyone else I had talked tonight? We were all going through the wringer right now, it seemed.

So I offered her a small smile. “The closest I’ve ever come to a ball was high school prom,” I joked, shaking my head at the memory. At the time, it had seemed like the worst night of my life. I had begrudgingly agreed to go with a boy from my calculus class, despite the fact that I loathed his personality and sense of humor, just for the sake of having a date to take pictures with. He had insisted on my sitting with him and his friends instead of letting me sit with June, and had stepped on the hem of my dress multiple times when we had danced, staining the light green fabric brown by the end of the night. To top it all off, during dessert, he had spilled his coffee in my lap. Not exactly a night to be remembered fondly. Still, it was humorous in retrospect.

Clemence’s smile was more genuine now, as she tilted her head, a hint of curiosity glimmering in her eyes. “This must be quite the change.”

“It is.” I nodded, smiling as I looked over the crowd. I had never been in a situation like this, though as I had said earlier, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yet, I couldn’t help but wish things were as simple as they had been before this, before the Selection. “I toasted a glass of champagne with my parents’ beers over FaceTime while I was getting ready today. They’re barbecuing.”

Her answering laugh was choked, as if she wanted to laugh but couldn’t really bring herself to. It was sad, to see her so upset. Clemence was always so warm, welcoming; she always had some happiness to bring to others. What could have upset her like this? More importantly, what could I do to help?

“I almost forgot people out of here celebrated too,” she admitted.

I shook my head. “I think they’re celebrating having off from work more than anything else,” I admitted, but that was besides the point. I turned my head to look at Clemence again, half tempted to just reach over and grab her hand, and give it a reassuring squeeze, but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure she was the kind of person that liked the sense of touch when she was upset. What if I made her more uncomfortable?

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I tried again. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” You’ve helped me so much; please let me return the favor.

She only nodded, taking another bite of her cake. “I know, but it’s nothing to worry about. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

I raised an eyebrow at her, rather skeptical of the truth of that statement, but I didn’t press her for details. If she wanted to talk about it, she knew where to find me. Instead, I could try and cheer her up.

With a small smile, I asked, “Besides today, how have things been? It’s been so long since we last talked!”

She raised her eyebrows, her eyes scanning the crowded dance floor until they settled on their target. Arin. Interesting. Her smile softened as she looked at him.

Interesting, indeed.

“Wild,” she answered, “but not unwelcome.” Her eyes were glazed over, her mind clearly not in the room at the moment.

I grinned. It wasn’t easy knowing she, along with other girls, I was sure, was developing feelings for Arin as well, but when she looked at him, she looked more at peace than she had before. She deserved that bit of happiness. I had no control over who he chose in the end, after all. Besides, Clemence would make an amazing queen.

So, why was I so torn up inside about her liking him?

“Now, that’s a change of tune I never thought I’d hear from you,” I teased, nudging her a little with my elbow.

She blinked as she turned back to me, as if she had forgotten that I was sitting there. “He’s still an idiot,” she stated, though her fond smile betrayed how she truly felt about the matter.

My heart might have broken, had I let it. I couldn’t though. Not here, not now.

I nodded in agreement, chuckling. “He has one of the worst short term memory spans I’ve ever encountered.”

“I guess he has,” she agreed, turning away with a pensive look on her face.

“No,” I explained with a laugh, “I mean, he took me to see the Angeles Ballet, and afterwards he asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I said seafood, and he said okay, and then five minutes later when we got in the car, he asked me the same exact questions again.”

She let out a small laugh at the story, seeming genuinely interested in the conversation for the first time since we had started talking. “In his defense, the ballet probably turned his brain all mushy. What did you see?”

I was kind of surprised by her answer, considering her figure skating background, but I let it slide, laughing lightly. The fans of the ballet were few and far between, apparently. “Don Quixote,” I answered. “It was the best case scenario. Had it been anything else, he probably would’ve fallen asleep.”

“I would’ve slept too,” she admitted, smiling as she looked away once again. “I performed to Don Quixote, once.”

“Really?” How had I not know that? “That’s so cool!”

She looked downright melancholic when she responded. She must have really missed her figure skating career - that much was obvious, written all over her face.. Was that why she was so sad? Did being here somehow remind her of that? Did today’s date mean something to her, in terms of her career? It was the summer, though, so that last possibility didn’t make a ton of sense.

“It was at my first Olympics,” she explained. “Seems like a lifetime ago. I was a baby.”

“If you were a baby, then I must have been a fetus,” I joked.

“Thirteen is fetus age indeed,” she teased. “Barely an actual teenager.”

“And sixteen is definitely baby, age,” I agreed, nodding. “My younger brother is sixteen now, and the rest of us definitely have the urge to protect him at all costs.” I wondered what Randall was up to now. Was he looking at universities? Had he decided what he wanted to study yet? It had been so long since we’d talked, which was kind of sad. We’d grown close the past few years, being the last kids left at home.

“I was fifteen, actually.” She inclines her head towards the size, her eyes darker as she continued to think. “So I guess it’s newborn age?”

“Wait, when’s your birthday?” I could’ve sworn she was three years older than me. Maybe I was mistaken, though. I should definitely not have any more champagne. “I’m going to be twenty-one in almost exactly a month.”

“I’ll be twenty-three in November,” she answered, raising an eyebrow at me. “Arin isn’t the only one with memory issues, it seems.”

“Right,” I said, doing my best to ignore her jab at my memorization skills. Memorization was one of my strongest assets; I was just very much drunk right now. “Okay, you mentioned you were a sixty-seven baby, but not when in sixty-seven -“ I nodded “- but I’m going to place the blame on the champagne, just this once.” I tried to laugh off her earlier insult, which she had probably only meant as a joke, but I couldn’t shake it, especially now, knowing that she actually liked Arin.

“I also said I was still twenty-two,” she replied with a wink, “but, yeah, we’ll say it’s the champagne.”

I smiled a bit, shaking my head. I remembered her calling me a baby, and saying she had been born in sixty-seven, but not when her birthday was, or her age. Oh, well. “Sorry, I must have missed that.”

“Sure,” she responded, rolling her eyes. “Not memory loss at all.”

I grimaced, inhaling sharply. If she insulted my memory one more time, I was going to lose it, which was counterintuitive to the purpose I had come over here with. “If I have early onset memory loss, that’s going to be a big problem, because online classes just started recently.” A slight change in subject, but nothing so drastic that she’d think she’d bothered me. An ideal solution.

“Oh, already? Sorry, I’m more used to the German calendar.” She patted my hand. “But I’m sure you’ll do great. You were doing fine before summer break, right?”

I had been doing much better than “fine,” actually. I had made the dean's list every semester, had made close connections with most of my professors, had secured my internship, which was coveted amongst biology majors. I was on top of my game.

Humility is a virtue, Evalin.

“Yeah, but being online is kind of weird,” was the response I settled on as I wrinkled my nose. It was odd only having power points, with limited audio lectures, and only being able to ask questions via email. “I suppose it’s only temporary, though, because eventually I’ll either have to transfer, or go home.” And by that, I mean I’ll go and make a new home for myself somewhere else.

“This Selection starts being a long pause in our lives, doesn’t it?”

I bit my lip, shaking my head before turning to look at Clemence again. “I feel like it was more of a jump start, for me, at least. It was the kick out the door that I needed.”

That much was true. If I hadn’t been Selected, I likely never would have left Carolina. I wouldn’t know nearly as much about the world, or even just this country, as I did now, and I wouldn’t have made any of the connections that had forced me to open my eyes to the problems that existed in the current day.

I probably would’ve ended up with Lukas, out of convenience. I didn’t know where that realization had come from, but it didn’t sit well with me. Had I really been that ready to settle? Thank God I had been Selected.

Clemence only nodded.

My presence here was clearly doing nothing, except for putting me in a worse mood. With a sigh, I finished the last of my water, inclining my head slightly as I put the glass down, offering Clemence another smile. “I think I’m going to head back out and dance some more. Do you want to come?”

Her wince as she eyed the dance floor answered the question before she did. “No, I’ll stay here with my cake, but thank you.” She flashed me a right smile, one of her hands clutching her dress.

If she didn’t want to talk, that was fine, I couldn’t force her to, but she clearly wasn’t okay. I just wished there was something I could do, or say, to make her feel better. Maybe I should send Arin her way. She had looked happier when she looked at him. The heartbreak would be worth it, if it meant my friends were happy.

But what if he chooses me over her? Would she be happy for me then?

I was tempted to say yes, but I didn’t know for sure.

I needed to move.

“Alright,” I replied with a soft smile, pushing my chair in and beginning to scan the crowd for my next dance partner. I needed to forget about this conversation. “Well, don’t hesitate to wave me over if you need anything!”

“Thank you, but I have a waiter dedicated to me already,” she stated, pointing towards one of the waiters with a slightly amused smile. The message was clear. I don’t need you.

That was fine. I looked back at her over my shoulder, wiggling my eyebrows with a laugh. “Well, I won’t get in the way of that! I’ll see you around!”

With that, I began to walk away, spotting a man in a suit who appeared to be in need of a dance partner. I didn’t know who he was, and quite frankly, I didn’t care. I just needed to get out of here.

Clemence waved her hand in response, rolling her eyes with a little smile. “Don’t drink too much champagne! You have no idea how many diplomatic incidents could be avoided without it!”

“Don’t worry, I’m winning all the foreign dignitaries over with my grace, charm, and good looks,” I assured her sarcastically, adding in a wink for good measure.

She laughed. “Keep up with that good work, then.”

“I live to serve,” I joked with a small, mocking curtsy, before taking the opportunity to exit.

Clemence liked Arin. She had a familial background in politics and international relations. She was beloved by any Illéan who watched figure skating, and had a truly kind and compassionate heart.

I was so screwed.

That was a problem for another day.

I lost myself in the music again, paying only the bare minimal attention to my surroundings. I was pretty sure I had seen Arin dancing with Felicity at one point, but I didn’t care to confirm whether or not I had actually witnessed that. He was figuring out his feelings, still, with a lot of people, apparently. Me. Jen. Clemence. Felicity. Probably more, if I was being honest. He was entitled to that. I just needed to stop being a jealous bitch.

By eleven-thirty, I was running out of new people to dance with. I had already had a second dance with some of the guests, though not with Arin. I had lost track of him at some point in the past hour or so, but that might have been for the better. My fatigue was starting to get to me. I just needed to push through until midnight, when we’d get to throw the powder in the air. I wanted to be here for that.

Someone was heading my way. Idalia. It had been ages since I’d seen her - since she’d almost made me cry. I had almost forgotten about that.

She looked radiant tonight as she crossed the floor towards me, smiling widely. I had seen her here and there throughout the night, either talking with the Italians, or dancing with Wylan, but she’d never been alone when I had spotted her, so I’d never had the chance to say hello. Now, though, I waved, making my way to her as fast as I could in this dress and these heels, hugging her as soon as we had made it to each other. The one positive lesson I had learned from our last conversation was that she gave great hugs, and I could have used one right about then.

Pulling away, I smiled, holding her on the shoulders at an arm’s length. “Hello!”

Her eyes were a bit wide as she looked at me, but she smiled nonetheless. “How’s the night going?”

The night had had its ups and downs, especially by this point, but I didn’t miss a beat, giggling a bit for good measure. The champagne helped. “It’s been so much fun! How’s yours been?”

“Lovely,” she answered, raising an eyebrow at me. “How was dancing with Arin?”

Well, in Arin’s own words, it sure was something.

“It was good! It was nice to be able to talk to him, even if it was only for a few minutes.” I smiled, looking for him one last time in the crowd. I wasn’t sure why. Was I hoping he’d come back over to me, and offer me another dance? That was impractical. He was busy making rounds, after all.

I turned back to Idalia. “How was dancing with Wylan?” I asked, being sure to lower my voice as I wiggled my eyebrows at her.

“Why are you saying it like that?” She asked in response, looking around us, like anyone hearing that she danced with Wylan would accuse her of committing a crime. As if other Selected hadn’t been dancing with people other than Arin all night long. “It was just a dance.”

“Okay,” I practically sang, finishing with a laugh. “Whatever you say!”

“Evalin, stop it!” Her words were annoyed, but her tone betrayed her amusement.

“Sorry,” I replied with a laugh, “as your friend, it’s basically my job to tease you.”

Idalia just shook her head. “How much have you been drinking?”

Too much.

“Just enough,” I answered with a smirk.

She narrowed her eyes, like she didn’t quite believe me, and I couldn’t blame her. However, she didn’t push it. “Well, I do have some good news.”

Thank God one of us did.

I raised my eyebrows, my curiosity piqued. “Do tell!”

“Dancing with Arin was not terrible.”

He really is making the rounds.

“No, he was one of my favorite dance partners of the night.” I smiled, scanning the crowd for him once more. He had to be out there, but there was no way he was looking for me. At least, it wasn’t likely.

“Well,” she began, chucking, “I don't know if I would say it was my favorite, but it was good.”

I opened my mouth, about to ask her what she meant by that, but before I could, someone announced that midnight was getting closer. As soon as the announcement ended, Idalia stood up straighter, and turned to face me. “We should go pick a color!”

“Yes!” This was what I had stayed for! I grabbed Idalia’s hand, pulling her behind me as I made a beeline for the bags filled with shimmery powders. “I’ve been so excited for this part!”

“Let me guess, you're doing yellow?”

“Well,” I started, my tone a mix of sarcastic and mock-offended, “now that you said that, I think I’ll have to pick something else!”

She laughed, the sound barely audible over the music. “Hey, you can do whatever you want.”

“No, I know,” I reassured her, shrugging. “I’ll just see what catches my eye.”

“I heard some are shimmery!” She exclaimed excitedly, practically jumping up and down as we made our way closer.

Her enthusiasm was infectious, I had to admit, my own eyes going wide at her description. “That sounds so pretty!” We were like two kids in a candy store, given permission by out parents to buy whatever we wanted.

Her grin only grew as we finally reached the area where the bags were sitting, her eyes drinking in every color option, considering each choice with equal time. Despite my earlier protest, my eyes were immediately drawn to the yellows. They stood out to me, their vibrant hues like little rays of sunlight, brightening my day without any effort whatsoever. I tapped my index finger against my lip, trying to decide just which shade of yellow to grab. Should I go for a darker, richer, gold, as lavish as the decorations around me, or a lighter, pastel yellow, shimmery and bright with hope?

I stopped my debate to look at Idalia, whose eyes were darting between about three different bags. “Do you know why yellow is my favorite color?”

She perked up, dragging her eyes away from the neutral tones she had been considering. “Because it’s happy to look at?”

“Because of what it symbolizes,” I answered, offering Idalia a small smile. “According to color theory, yellow represents optimism, joy, hope, intellect, and loyalty - all things I think we could use a little more of in life.” All things I could use a little more of right now.

It’d be fine, I reassured myself, as soon as I got a restful night of sleep. There would be more of those in the future, now that the craziness surrounding the ball was over. I’d have a bit more time to sleep, to relax, to talk with Arin.

It seemed like no matter what I did tonight, my thoughts went back to him.

Idalia flashed me an amused smile. “Ah, color theory. My dad was always fascinated by color psychology even if it’s a very niche subfield. Talking about it with my mom around was always fun.” That sounded like it was in character for her parents, for what she had told me of them. They sounded like lovely people, who it would be interesting to speak with, should I ever have the opportunity.

“What’s your favorite color?” I smiled, raising an eyebrow at Idalia as I settled on a bag of yellow powder the color of daffodils - my favorite shade of yellow. It wasn’t as dark and powerful as gold, but wasn’t as soft and washed out as paler shades of yellow.

She made her way over to powder bags containing more shimmery tones, smiling as she looked down upon them. “It’s been a while since I’ve been asked that one. What’s your guess?”

Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I narrowed my eyes at her, as if I’d be able to see the answer on her face if looked heard enough. She wasn’t a red, or a blue - that much was for sure. Definitely a warmer color, but not yellow. That left one answer. “Based on color theory, I’m going to go with orange, because it represents warmth, fire, energy, and excitement, and you’re exemplary of all of those things.”

“Orange is at the top for sure,” she replied with a grin, picking up a bag of pearl white shimmery powder, flecked with pieces of fuscia and blue, “but if I really had to pick, I would say gold.”

Of course an Olympian athlete would say something along those lines. With a smile, I responded, “I can see that. I suppose your future Olympic gold will fit in well with the rest of your home decor when you have your own place to decorate, then.”

She laughed, dragging me by the wrist, away from the crowd of people trying to get powder for themselves as well. “I don’t know if I would go for gold decor but glad that’s where your mind is going. I’m a women of simple tastes.”

“I can also see that,” I admitted, humming thoughtfully to myself as she pulled me further into the room. “All I wanted in terms of decorations for my dream apartment was plants.”

“I haven’t even thought about moving out of my family’s home yet,” she admitted, her tone more amused than sad. That was good. I didn’t want Idalia to be sad. She was always so cheery and happy. I admired that about her.

“I thought I had a good two years, at least, until I left home,” I stated, absentmindedly smiling. I had imagined taking my college graduation photos on our front porch steps, side by side with June. I’d have been there for Randall’s high school graduation, and all of the events surrounding it. I could’ve even driven him home from his first college party, if he had stayed local as well, which I was pretty confident he would. My entire childhood was tied to that house, from the stairs I had tumbled down as a toddler, to the small bedroom where I had whispered my dreams into the dark, to the attic that contained a mystery that I’d likely never solve, now that I knew I wasn’t going back.

How long had I been zoned out for? I snapped back to the present, smiling wider at Idalia now, repeating what I’d told Clemence earlier tonight. “I’m glad this kicked me out the door a little earlier, though. I think I’ve learned more in these past few months than I ever have before.”

Her smile faltered, and she asked, “Is everything alright back home?”

The question caught me off guard. Without a real answer to give her, I sighed. “I think so? We FaceTimed today, and everyone looks well, but I did have an odd phone call with my father a few weeks ago.” I shook my head, looking down for a moment before meeting Idalia’s gaze again, this time forcing myself to smile. “I’m probably just overthinking it, don’t worry!”

She ignored my request, and frowned, definitely worrying. “Is he concerned for you?”

“He seemed like he was, but I was more concerned as to what he was doing in the lab at two in the morning.” I closed my eyes, shaking my head in a short, rapid motion at the memory of the phone call. When I reopened my eyes, I looked at Idalia, waving my hand through the air in a dismissive gesture. “Seriously, don’t worry about it though! That’s my job,” I finished, nudging her with my shoulder, hoping the playful gesture would ease her worries.  

She didn’t seem convinced, but luckily for me, the countdown to midnight started right then. We joined the crowd, practically squealing with excitement as we screamed along with the countdown, out voices lost in the cacophony of shouts around us. As soon as we hit the end of the countdown, I looked over at her, throwing most of my powder into the air, being sure to save a small amount in my bag. I looked up, watching the different colors descend back down upon us all like a tangible rainbow dissolving after. It was magical, in every sense of the word. I was beyond glad that I had stayed for this, instead of calling it a night early.

I turned to Idalia again, a mischevious grin spreading across my face as I reached for the remaining powder in my bad, flicking it towards her. She gasped in response, glaring at me as she flung her own remaining powder at my chest.

I could only laugh as I crumpled my now empty bag in my hands, shaking my head just to watch some of the powder drift down, out of my hair. “Thank you,” I began, turning to Idalia once more, “for keeping me company at this point, when I know there’s other people you probably would have loved to throw powder at.”

“I came to throw the powder with you because I wanted to!” She looked downright offended that I’d suggested otherwise.

“Well, thank you nonetheless.” I offered her the biggest smile I could muster, though it wasn’t much. I hugged her once more, waiting until I had pulled away to add, “I think I’m going to call it a night. I’m dead tired.”

“Alright,” she conceded, smiling back at me as she pulled away. “Do you need me to come along? I can come back right after.”

“Only if you want to. You by no means have to,” I answered with a shrug. Idalia was too nice to be true. How had I found such a good friend?

“I don’t know if I trust you to make it back,” she admitted, hooking her arm through mine. “I’ll take you back.”

We were silent the rest of the way back to my room, pausing only long enough for me to hug her goodnight before she turned back the way we had came. As soon as I was inside of my room, Julia, Christina, and Grace were all on their feet, rushing towards me to help me undress, to assist in removing my makeup and contact lenses, and, of course, to ask for more details about my night. I gave them as much as I could bear, watching their face light up when I had mentioned dancing with Arin, in particular. They knew just how hopeless I was, and I think they sort of loved me for it, somehow.

I frowned as I looked in the mirror, noticing just how covered in glitter I was. “Should I shower before getting into bed? I’d hate to make you have to wash glitter out of my sheets tomorrow, but I am exhausted.”

“I’m sure,” Julia said, crossing her arms once she had handed off my dress to Grace. “How much sleep did you get last night?”

I just shook my head, exhaling heavily through my nose. “Not much, but still, I can stay up the extra fifteen minutes it’d take me to shower. I’d hate to create more work for you.”

“Nonsense!” she scolded, ushering me towards my bed, going as far to pull back the sheets to make it easier for me to get in. “If you made any less work for us, we’d all be out of a job!”

“I just have one last thing to do, then,” I decided, sidestepping around her, and then walking towards my desk and pulling out a piece of paper. I had planned earlier on on writing Arin a note, to send tomorrow or later in the week, depending on my own schedule, and I’d be darned if I was going to forget to do it.

The note itself only took me a minute to write, though I didn’t pay close attention to my diction, or the legibility of my handwriting, too eager to get into bed to bother with that.

Arin,

Do you have any spare time to talk, this week, maybe? I’d like to clear the air. I’m genuinely very sorry if anything I said at the ball upset you - not that this is any excuse, but I had five glasses of champagne on maybe two and a half hours of sleep (if that), and didn’t stop to think about how bad of an idea that might be. Though, I think I was only three glasses of champagne in when I danced with you, but my point still stands. I had no intention of worrying you, and again, am truly sorry if I did.

I’d also like more details, if possible. I was a tad too afraid to ask deeper questions at the ball, what with all the people and cameras around. It didn’t feel like the right time or place for it.

Sincerely,

Evalin

P.S. - in case I wasn’t clear, I like your nickname for me.

Julia watched as I wrote, sighing as I stuck the note against the screen of my open laptop, to ensure that I’d see it tomorrow and remember to send it. “Now, bed,” she commanded as soon as I had finished.

Too tired to argue, I just smiled in response, slowly maneuvering myself under the covers as Grace and Christina crossed the bedroom, making their way to the door. As soon as they were out, Julia flicked the light switch, whispering, “Goodnight, Evalin,” before leaving the room herself, and shutting the door behind her.

Sleep took me instantly.

--

It was dark. From where I lay in the backseat of June’s car, the only light I could see came from the taillights of the car in front of us. I remembered seeing stars when we had arrived at the party, but I couldn't now. Her stupid car roof was in the way, too busy shielding us from the rain that wouldn’t stop hitting it to let us see the stars. Logically, I knew we wouldn’t have been able to see a lot of the stars anyway, with the rain clouds blocking them, but I would have liked to see some. I would have liked to see that stupid lopsided parallelogram that my grandfather loved so dearly.

I laughed. Everything was funny to me, especially the way that neither June nor Lukas found anything funny. “We’re going to have to stop for gas,” Lukas said from the passenger seat in the front, which was funny. We hadn’t driven far - only the twenty minutes to campus - and June had had more than enough gas on the way there. Where had her gas gone? Maybe it had grown legs and had walked away, and there was a big gasoline man walking through campus right now. That would be funny.

“Shit, really?” June asked through gritted teeth. I closed my eyes as she changed lanes, likely to pull into a gas station. I didn’t open them again until we had pulled up to a pump, the faded white and green coloring that I could see through the window letting me know that we must be at the twenty-four hour Gasoline Haven about fifteen minutes from my house.

Fuck. My house. My parents. “June, I can’t go home like this,” I groaned. I was so very, stupidly, foolishly drunk. How many shots had I taken? I’d lost count after eight. I doubted I’d remember this tomorrow. That was not funny. Why the fuck had I done this, and how was I still even alive?

“I know,” she reassured me, turning around in the driver's seat to face me as Lukas got out of the car, walking around to the gas pumps. “You can stay with me tonight, like you told your parents you were doing originally.”

I nodded, offering her a toothy grin as I pushed myself into a sitting position. “That’s why I love you.”

She smiled in return, opening her mouth like she was about to respond, only to be cut off my a sharp rap at the driver’s side window. She rolled it down, listening to Lukas as he yelled something, his voice completely drowned out by the rain, for me. “Fuck, okay,” June said, swearing more as she fumbled with her seatbelt, “I’ll go inside and pay.” With that, she exited the car, the annoying beeping noise signalling that she hadn’t closed her door all the way.

The sound of the rain got louder as her footsteps retreated, and the door to my left opened. I laughed as Lukas leaned into the car, bracing his forearms on the seat and smiling at me. I smiled right back, blinking slowly as I said, “Well, hello there.”

He said nothing. While my eyes were closed, he must’ve leaned forward, because the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, strong and frantic, and all wrong. My eyes flew open, but all I could do was watch, and try to say something, anything, but my words were swallowed by his mouth. I was paralyzed, whether by fear or drunkenness, I didn’t know. I couldn’t lift my arms, to shove him away, and I couldn’t back away myself, not without opening the car door and allowing myself to tumble onto the wet pavement.

I stared at him in shock as he pulled away, instinctively attempting to bring my knees to my chest. I couldn’t unscramble my thoughts quickly enough to form a coherent sentence. Only one word rang through my mind. “Bad.”

“Why won’t you admit that you love me?” he asked, smirking, something sparkling in his eyes as he looked at me. I didn’t like it. I wanted him to go away. This was not funny.

I shook my head, trying my hardest to get the right words out of my mouth. “I don’t love you. I definitely don’t love what you just did.”

He raised his eyebrows, as if I had somehow challenged him, inviting him to rise to the occasion and prove me wrong. Except, I wasn’t wrong. I was never wrong. He was wrong. Something about him had always been wrong.

This was wrong.

“Would you like me to try something different?”

“No.” I shook my head again, but the gesture meant nothing to him, and he came in for another kiss. I tried to kick him away, but the motion seemed to do nothing. He was completely undeterred.

I heard footsteps splashing against the pavement as he pulled away. June’s voice cut through the noise of the rain. “What are you doing back there?” June would help me. June always helped me.

“Making sure she has her seatbelt on, now that she’s sitting up,” Lukas answered, reaching for the seatbelt as he spoke, slowly dragging his fingers diagonally across my chest as he made to fasten the buckle.

This couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. Lukas would never.

“She said she wants to stay at my house tonight,” Lukas announced as he got back into the passenger seat of the car. I hadn’t said that. This was not funny in the slightest.

“No,” June told him, but I knew he mustn’t understand that word. Hadn’t I told him no? He had heard me, and had kissed me again anyway. Despite being blackout drunk, I knew with clear certainty that I was lucky it had stopped there, that June had come back just then. “She has to stay at my place, or her parents will worry, and we’ll all be busted. Besides, I’m the nursing major. I’ll handle this.”

All I could feel was the chill of the car window against my forehead. All I wanted to do was forget about this.

Maybe it was a good thing I was blackout drunk.

--

I awoke in a cold sweat, my mouth open as if I was screaming silently, my breathing rapid and shallow. Reaching for my phone, I clicked the power button, the time blinding me as the device flashed to life. Four o���clock. It looked like it would be yet another, almost sleepless night for me, then.

[pentanguine]

I am not above just answering my favorite ask meme questions even if no one asks them, so here we are:

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“I don’t want another label…I just wish we had words so pretty we’d go out of our way to say them out loud.” -Leslie Feinberg, from Stone Butch Blues (p. 254). If it weren’t so long, this is the kind of quote I would want to aspirationally tattoo on my body. Every time I read it, I love it even more.

To me, it means that I see gender as more creative than taxonomic. It’s a way of interpreting yourself, not discovering what you Truly Are. And so I want words that are beautiful to say. I want words like poetry. I want words that don’t define things in clinical Latin or Greek roots, but that just sound beautiful, like something you’d want to say out loud. I want a word that means whatever you want it to mean.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

I Will Be Lighthearted If It Kills Me: A 10-Step Plan to Spontaneity

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

Would it be cliché if I talked about MCR? Probably. 

That being said, they really have done the most of any musical artist in terms of changing my view of the world and myself. They made me feel freer to delight in my weird morbidity, they helped motivate me to face my fears (which included things like driving and talking to other people), they helped me process my grandfather’s death, they taught me more useful things about queerness and identity than any of the LGBT resources I’d encountered, they gave me an online fan community to be part of and a shared language to speak, they helped me figure out my sense of style, and they gave me context into the world’s recent past, stuff about 9/11 and the Iraq War that no one was teaching in elementary school because it was happening around us, but that I was too young to actually be aware of. There are probably a lot more ways, subtler ways, that they’ve affected my life, but those are the main ones I want to highlight. 

They also just make me happy. Their music is so damn good, and so enjoyable to listen to, and I feel comfortable when I listen to it, in a way, like a strange kind of nostalgia for a time you never lived or a time that’s still going on.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

Lindsey Stirling—While I really enjoyed the show, she only played a three song set as part of a larger festival, and so my most vivid memories of the occasion are of getting there and back (and at one point, if memory serves, running down the street in downtown Philly singing songs from The Sound of Music and possibly skipping). Also this festival/concert thing is the reason why the first artist I ever saw live is technically Shawn Mendes, which is always a wild thing to remember.

Brand New--It was an outdoor show in the South in the middle of July and I think some people got heatstroke. Jesse Lacey is a sexual abuser. Believe survivors. Don’t stream their stuff. I ate a hamburger that made me throw up. It was a co-headliner with Modest Mouse, but we had to leave to drive back across the entire state at the start of their set.

Sigur Rós—They are spectacular live. The music just enters your body and fills you up like some kind of otherworldly magic, and they have glorious visual effects to go along with it. I remember being so thrilled that they played Fljótavík, which at the time was my favorite song of theirs, and which I wasn’t expecting at all. It was here that I acquired the Shirt That Says Krunk.

Creeper/Waterparks—Creeper are probably tied for the best band I’ve ever seen live, and they were only the opening act. They put in so much energy and passion, and Will Gould is a fantastic live singer. I’d love to see them as a headliner some day. Waterparks is a band I would not see again now, since I’m not super into their new style of music and I’ve since found better alt rock musicians to project my gender onto, but I was very into seeing them at the time. Awsten Knight threw water into the crowd and most of it landed on my shirt, and this was a high point of my week. Someone crowd-surfed on crutches. At one point I hear this deep voice singing along to 21 Questions, and I turn around and it’s one of the bros from the mosh pit. I remember not actually liking the music live as much as I’d hoped I would, but I think the delights of the concert-going experience made up for it.

Enter Shikari—The best band I’ve ever seen live. This whole show was spectacular from start to finish, from the way the songs sounded live to Rou’s frenetic dancing to the crowd’s incredible energy. I went up on the balcony, and watching the pit from above with a strobe light flashing over it, fracturing this seething mass of people into flashbulb moments of movement and adrenaline, was literally awesome. I think this is the only show I’ve been to where the crowd felt united, and like part of the show—we were all chanting “Still we will be here, standing like statues,” we all clapped together during Sorry You’re Not, and at one point someone started up a rousing chant of “Fuck Tom Brady!!” (I think the Superbowl was the next night). I never wanted it to end.

The 1975—The 1975 may be many things (well, to be fair, just one thing, and that’s pretentious as fuck), but they’re also great live. My favorite part of this show was how satisfyingly long it was. I think it lasted for well over two hours, and I got to hear most of my favorites, plus fall in love with some others I hadn’t appreciated until then. I remember it as a spectacular evening full of that special concert feeling I get (that maybe other people get?), like the music is swallowing you whole and you feel so giddy you end up laughing like a child. This was also the time I learned how to put in a tampon in your car in a parking garage (without getting blood on anything!), which I feel is a valuable life skill.

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

When I was thirteen, I put together a bookworm costume out of various light green clothing, dust jackets taped to my shirt, and pipe cleaner antennae. I remember it very fondly, because it’s by far the most creativity and DIY work I’ve ever put into a Halloween costume, but at the time I was just painfully aware that it was very dorky and in all the pictures I’m staring at the ground looking like I’m about to get beat up on the playground. Little me should have had more confidence! It was a creative and original costume!

[dariodanoite]

catch of the day | margot & dario

TIMING: before the fish rain ended. PARTIES: @boogaloomagoo and @dariodanoite SUMMARY: dario and margot make their best attempts at catching sky fish. met with...limited success.

Dario had brought the trash bag. He wasn’t entirely sure why the girl from online who he’d been mentally referring to as ‘wood woman’ since realizing he hadn’t gotten her name had insisted on a net. You didn’t need a net to catch fish that were already on the ground. Dario had sent her another message just some ten minutes ago, alerting her of a fish rain he’d heard of that was happening in the streets of downtown before rushing over here himself. After all- fish were good and these fish were free. Now he waited for her to show, staying just outside the radius of the falling fish to avoid getting pelted by them. At least these ones didn’t seem to be the enormous bluefin tuna another girl had mentioned falling from the sky. Getting hit by a 200 pound tuna, even if they did taste delicious. But he was growing restless, having the irrational fear that someone else might be getting all the good fish while he waited here for the girl to show up. At least he knew what she roughly looked like from ‘creeping’ her profile. That was a term he’d just recently learned, but it was proving to come in quite handy. Seeing her approaching from a distance, he raised a single, lazy arm to signal her over, not having a name to call out.

Margot wasn’t exactly sure why this random guy on the internet seemed so intent on cooking his fish on a wooden plank, but honestly, she couldn’t find the will in her to judge him. After all, she herself had gone through cravings so insatiable that until she did finally carry out in fulfilling it, everything else seemed fairly inconsequential by measure. Maybe he was just super into getting his seafood on? Either way, their little arrangement seemed harmless enough, though she still donned her swampers and raincoat after receiving his message. And getting both large fishing nets from the backyard’s shed. Seriously, a trash bag? That would help in carrying them back, she supposed, but, it didn’t seem terribly sanitary. Then again, it had been a while since she had gone fishing, but she still felt the need to bring an ice chest alongside the nets. She didn’t take long getting downtown and, true to the other’s word, fish were already flopping on the streets and cascading from the heavens. Seriously, did no one else find this completely disturbing? Ah, well. At this point it almost seemed close to normal. Blue eyes flitted across the expanse of road before eyeing someone who was waving in her general direction and - yep, he fit the one, grainy picture she had seen of him. She flapped a hand back, having it hooked around the arm of the two nets she’d hauled along before quickening her step towards him. “Yo,” She greeted, plopping the ice chest down between them and motioning to his trash bag. “Go ahead and line it with that. It’ll be a lot easier to carry.”

As the girl grew closer, Dario’s generally stoic expression turned into the beginnings of a frown. What the hell was she wearing? It looked like she was getting ready to go jump in puddles in the middle of a hurricane. Was fish catching really all that serious? And why was everything so...yellow? “You look like a duck,” he said nonchalantly, a simple observation that perhaps wasn’t the most cordial of greetings. But it was the first thing that had popped into his head. His skepticism only grew as she asked him to put the trash bag over the net. What was the point of that? Why not just pick the fish up, and plop them right into the bag? “Is the trash bag not fine by itself?” he asked stubbornly, not yet realizing they were on different pages. And what was this ice chest? He’d never been regular fishing or sky fishing before, not having had a reason to in the past. Well- at least not while he was human. He had vague memories of catching and eating fish while stuck as a jaguar, but those were fleeting, as he still had trouble recalling exactly what had happened for much of those thirteen years. “We should get over there soon, though. I don’t want someone to get all the good fish, first.” Perhaps he was overestimating just how many people would be out ‘fishing’ on this day.

Margot’s brow furrowed, lips parted in utter speechless shock. A duck? The first words out of his mouth were that she looked like a freak-fracking duck. Well, this was definitely gonna get off to a wonderful start, wasn’t it? “Hey, I look prepared,” She promptly corrected him after finding her voice, shaking her head with a light scoff. “I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be bed-ridden again just because I didn’t wear the appropriate gear,” Seriously, did people just not hear about the news? At least the parts that were potentially life-threatening. No, they probably just read the gossip portion, sports or entertainment and called it a day. She rolled her eyes at the thought, before being brought to attention by his question. “It’s a start. And not in here, in here,” She tapped the top of the ice chest before opening it up and, if he allowed, taking the bag from his hands. If not, she’d simply extend one of the nets out to him. “Okay, then let’s get going,” Though she highly doubted anyone else was going to be desperate for fish at this point - if anything, she thought everyone would be fairly sick of the very idea of seafood. He actually picked a decent time to do this. “Were you looking for a specific kind of fish, or just the biggest one you can find?”

“Yes, you look like a prepared duck,” he insisted, the very beginnings of a tease entering his voice to overcome his often monotone words. Dario was still getting used to this whole...speaking thing again. At the mention of her being bed-ridden, he glanced down to her ankles, once again affronted by the footwear she’d chosen. “Is it okay to catch fish with your ankle?” he asked, not entirely thinking it’d be the best idea to go traversing through a storm of scales when an ankle might give way on you. But...he really wanted to catch some fish. Dario was hungry, and he was getting rather tired of the same old chicken flavored ramen day in and day out. In contrast to her apparent readiness to get the catch of the day, Dario had thrown on a random t-shirt, jeans, and the sole pair of sneakers he currently owned. It would have to do. His frown deepened as she took his bag, wondering what he was meant to put his fish in now. “And I get a net now, yes?” He held out an expecting hand. “Unless I’m just meant to catch them bare-handed.” As for types of fish. “I’ll go for anything that doesn’t look too squished. But the other girl also told me to catch only the live ones.”

The deadpan Margot fixed him with could have withered even the brightest of flowers. “Oh yeah, that’s much better,” Well, she would much rather be a prepared duck than an impaled cool… looking person. Which was what she assumed was the alternative to her own attire, although she rarely ever cared about what she wore. If it was practical, comfortable and easy to maneuver in, then it was in her closet. And even that wasn’t terribly big to begin with. Already, she had noticed that he had a rather distinct accent when he spoke, though she couldn’t place the origin right off the bat. Perhaps she would ask him about it later. For now, she tilted her leg a bit to the side, a small wince resulting from the angle. If she had actually just sprained it, she would have been fine. Having serrated jaws sink into it was an entirely different story, however. “Yeah, it’ll be alright. If it gets sore, I’ll just let you handle the bulk of it. Sound fair?” At his request, she snorted lightly before placing the pole into his hand. “Duh. That’s why I brought two. It’ll be super easy to catch them with these,” Wait, too squished? Why would they be… Oh, no. “Uh, you’re also not going to pick any up off the ground, so that won’t be a problem… right?” The blonde appeared distinctly appalled that he would even suggest doing such a thing. Using a fish that had already hit the ground sounded like the worst possible idea ever. No, they were going to do this properly - with a net, and some seriously coordinated catching from the heavens. Just like… some version of Mother Nature intended. In some universe. Sure.

She was pricklier than he’d anticipated from their online meeting, but so far- it was amusing to watch her face crinkle up when she made her funny little expressions. “Thank you, I thought so too,” Dario quipped back, apparently undeterred by her stern looks. At this point in his life, self preservation wasn’t exactly a primary instinct. But his frown returned as she tested her leg, not entirely sure whether or not to approve of it. “Yes, I’m familiar with the whole- man does all the work while needy girl benefits.” It was yet another poke of fun, though he was curious to see if she’d only get more prickly the more he pushed. Nevertheless, he’d try his best to be aware of her ankle and how it was faring. However he was pleased as she handed him a net, feeling just a bit more prepared, and like he now had an official job. “Why wouldn’t I pick them up off the ground?” he asked casually, heading towards where the fish were falling, the strange slapping of them against the ground growing louder. Not entirely waiting for his answer he simply said, “Let’s go,” his senses being overtaken by even more fish smell as one sloshed onto the ground next to his foot.

The urge to stick her tongue out towards him was so very pressing, but Margot resisted it in favor of rolling her eyes to the opened heavens. So he was a wisenheimer, eh? Just her luck. Her father had always warned her about those types of people, though, so she felt fairly equipped to deal with any shenanigans he might throw her way. And though she bristled at his comment pertaining to gender roles, she simply snorted and smirked. “Obviously. What else would men be good for if not taking care of the one’s doing the real heavy lifting?” She quipped with a tap to her forehead. “And, I can’t believe I have to actually explain this but, you seriously don’t see a problem with picking up ground fish? I’m already skeptical about eating one of these things, the least we could do is get one that hasn’t been flopping all over the dirty road,” Granted, had they been ‘sky fishing’ in the forest, she wouldn’t have been so adamant. Not that she made a habit of eating off of the forest floor, but man-made pavement and cement just had such a generally… gross feel to it. Chewed gum, shoe marks, people spitting all over the place. She shivered just thinking about it. “It’s a lot safer to get it straight from the sky. And… I can’t believe I actually just said that, but, it’s out there,” Walking beside him, she held the pole a bit against her side, net opened and waiting. It didn’t take long for one to fall into the netting, and though she stumbled a bit, she didn’t fall. “Oh, sweet! I think it’s a rainbow trout,” 

The corners of Dario’s lips tipped upwards in the slightest grin, perhaps a little amused that she seemed so ready to combat his every claim with one of her own. But then he gave her a lingering once over, summoning as much of a judgemental look as he could before continuing to tease. “I don’t think you could lift all that much.” Not exactly an eloquent reply, but he thought it got the point across when it came to ruffling her duck feathers. As far as the street fish went...he still didn’t see a problem. “We clean them after. And we’re not going to eat the scales.” Right? He’d never prepared fish but- he’d never eaten a fish that was still fully intact. Jaguar moments exempt. “I don’t think that’s right,” he said succinctly, obviously not convinced on the whole ‘sky fish are better’ concept. It sounded like much more work to try and pluck one out of the air. At least she didn’t fall over when she caught the fish, though. He looked into her net at the fish, recognizing it from it’s pattern rather than her words. “Yes- I know that fish. They taste pretty good.” Not to be outdone, he proceeded to use his own method of ‘fishing’, bending at the waist to pluck a nice looking fish from the ground that was still flopping about. “Look- I caught one too,” he said smugly as he plopped the thing into his own net. 

That little...! Margot tried not to appear phased, but the corners of her mouth tightened just a tad, giving into a small pout at his judgement about her appearance. Oh, if only he knew. "Looks can be deceiving," Was all she gave back in response, deciding that for the time being he wasn’t worth getting any more agitated or going in depth about just why he was incorrect. “Okay, but it’s still kind of… I don’t know, shifty to eat the ones already on the ground. I might settle for if it just landed on the ground, but then you can’t even be too sure…” Was she likely being too anal about the whole process? Maybe so. Did it really even matter considering they were talking about potentially eating fish that had rained down from the sky? Perhaps. In the end it could have all been futile and already signed her death warrant the moment she agreed to help him catch fish in the first place. But it didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world after she had talked to some of her co-workers, who had claimed to have eaten some earlier in the week and found nothing awry. Still, she would always have her doubts. If nothing else remained about her, those would withstand the test of trial and time. “It is. And that was super easy, too-- Oh, come on!” She huffed, narrowing her eyes up towards him before shaking her head. “Fine, you eat what you catch, and I’ll eat what I catch. And we’ll see who winds up with a belly ache,”

“Sure they can, Ducky.” Dario had decided to make that stick, perhaps only because he thought it amusing how it seemed to make her expression a little more scrunchy. But he simply rolled his eyes at her continued attempts to have him not eat the ground fish. “I am pretty sure that you’re just being paranoid. Scaredy cat.” He’d never entirely liked that phrase. Cats weren’t scared. They were fierce and regal. Unless it was one of the cats that didn’t like him. Those cats could eat it. “Won’t even eat ground fish,” he finished in a mumble, still apparently finding too much fun in his teasing. This time, he nearly almost chuckled as her outrage was voiced, somewhat surprised such passion could come from the girl in front of him. “That sounds like a good deal. I’ll take that deal.” Then he was bending over again, choosing the most questionable fish he could find, and picking it from the asphalt to toss it into her net. “Oh, look. You caught another. You’re pretty good at this. Must be the hat.”

Okay, was there anything this guy wasn’t going to call her? At this point, Margot simply rolled with the nickname, piping up with a gleeful, “Yep, yep yep!” And not caring if the reference whizzed over his head or not. The Land Before Time was a treasure. “Oh, sure, I’m a scaredy cat for not wanting to get food poisoning... Ignoramus,” There, see? Two could play at this game of name calling, and one could use big, fancy words, too! Obviously superior and sure of herself, Margot continued to angle her net in order to catch another, smaller fish from the sky. This one she wasn’t sure of, but the moment she bent over the opening to examine it further, she gasped as he tossed a fish into her net. “What the heckie?!” Did he seriously just do that? Oh, he was so done for-- Growling, she reached into the net, pulling out the disgusting, contemptible ground fish out by it’s tail and, without hesitation, tossed it in the general direction of the other’s face. “I don’t want your gross ground fish, jerkwad!”

The reference, indeed, entirely missed Dario. However his uncertainty seemed to be rather effective when it came to making him be quiet. Though, perhaps the strange thing was he hadn’t even had a problem with being quiet until this moment. At least, not since turning back into a human. The word ‘Ignoramus’ proved to be no better, and it took him a second longer to make a connection between the word he was pretty sure she’d made-up to the word ignorant. “No,” he insisted. “I’m very smart, thank you.” Not exactly a scathing response, but giving any sort of flak back was enough for him, as well as proving that he could figure out her silly names. When the fish hit him smack in the face he was actually grinning, perhaps for one of the first times in...well he wasn’t sure how long. How could he not, though? She was simply too hilarious of a picture. But that smile was quickly wiped away, replaced by disgust and fish slime as he recoiled and cursed. “Merda!” He didn’t mind the smell. It was the texture that got him. “Jerkwad?!” he simply repeated before taking his own fish out of his net, and chucking it towards her face. “Now who’s the jerkwad?”

“Hah!” Margot pumped a triumphant fist into the air, elated that her aim had been spot on in smacking him with the sea creature. Normally, her father would have chastised this sort of childish behavior, and in the back of her head she wondered if maybe this was taking things a step too far. But those thoughts were quickly wiped away as she saw him reach into his net, and she dropped her own to raise both arms in order to protect her face. However, she was a second too late, and the slippery sting hit her cheek, causing her to shiver and recoil. “Ugh!” All thoughts of catching any more fish virtually forgotten, she grabbed two fish with each hand, hurling one at him and not caring where it hit - so long as it smacked him somewhere. “It’s still you!” She retorted scornfully, tossing the other fish at him as well. 

Dario nearly growled as she took pride in her triumph, not at all pleased with having been apparently bested by the all yellow girl. It was utterly ridiculous that someone who looked like an oversized duck could get the jump on him. But all that was fixed by the sweet satisfaction of seeing his own fish meet its mark, and his grin was back in full force, along with an actual laugh. Once again, it was wiped away as soon as it had been wrought, as he warned her with a raised hand before she struck, “Don’t you dare-” It was all for not. Again he was covered in fish and slime, and a sound of pure frustration and vengeance was brought from his lipe. “No! It’s you! You’re the jerkward!” In a move he thought to be rather inventive, he took his now empty net, and tried to hook it over the top of her to catch her in it. “Now who is gross fish?!”

Okay, this was actually starting to become annoying. Margot, though displeased with how wet she had become through getting thoroughly whumped in the face with a fish and touching so many that had been on the ground, still found herself smirking as he was nailed again. The momentary triumph fled from her features at his next comeback, however, and she made a maneuver to duck below and off to the side. Skidding a bit as her knees hit the pavement, she ignored the sting in favor of taking another, smaller fish in her hand. She leapt up as best as her ankle would allow and surged towards him. With his hands preoccupied by hanging onto the net, she hoped he wouldn’t have time to stop her from shoving the still wiggling fish down his shirt. “Pretty sure it’s you, fish boy,”

Damn it, the net had missed. Whatever, he’d go back for another for another swipe the next chance he got. Dario wasn’t sure what to make of her practically launching herself at him, but didn’t have any reaction other than standing there in surprise, and by the time he realized what was happening it was too late. Another sound of utter disgust later, and he was reflexively trying to wrap his arms around her, and lift her feet from the ground. If she couldn’t move, she couldn’t shove fish down his shirt, right? His words still held something of their teasing element, but the air of frustration was also prominent in them. “Ducky, if you wanted to get into my shirt that badly- you only needed to ask.”

At this point, there were more than a handful of people observing the two fighting amongst the fallen and still cascading fish. Probably just as flabbergasted as Margot was when it came to how this whole scuffle even started, but that really didn’t matter to her at the moment. Right now, they were fighting, and that meant she needed to focus on winning. Everything else came secondary. A very child-like ‘Hah-hah!’ sing-songed past her lips and straight into his face, the blonde revelling in watching his expression curl into displeasure. But the moment she felt a pair of rather muscled arms wrap around her, and begin to raise her up from the ground, she uttered a shocked squeak and began to writhe in his grip in earnest. After a few seconds of this, she locked eyes with him, putting as much fury and ice into her gaze as possible before practically growling out, “Put me down. Now,”

Dario was blissfully unaware of those watching the show, or perhaps it was simply that he didn’t care. Perhaps in his past life, he would have minded. But now what did it matter? The only person’s opinion he had to consider anymore was his own. There wasn’t anyone else, particularly. As he tightened his grip on her, he rested most of her weight against his body, not seeing how else he’d be able to maintain this for an extended amount of time. Vengeance was sweet as he smirked at her reaction, looking like the cat who had caught the canary. Which she might as well be when dressed the way she was. “No,” he replied succinctly, stubbornly. He wasn’t about to give up his success and let her through another fish now his shirt or something.

When it came to close contact with others, Margot typically held off on it for as long as possible. Brushing against someone on accident was an unavoidable occurrence, but as for purposeful gestures such as handshakes and even high fives? Those were reserved for a very few, something to be cultivated over time. Even going in to shove the fish down his shirt was a gutsy move, and one she normally wouldn’t have carried out had she been in her right mind. But with judgement clouded by seeking to gain the upper hand, she had placed herself in a terribly uncomfortable situation, and was now paying the price for not using her common sense. Her discomfort only heightened as his grip became tighter, and Oh, if someone could burn a hole through steel solely by glaring at it… Well, she had a trick or two up her sleeve as well. Though he had her at a disadvantage height wise, his tactic also left him vulnerable in a couple of areas. The thought of spitting in his face crossed her mind, but it was fleeting and soon replaced by another manner in which she could get him to release her. Smoothing out her furious features, she simply shrugged in his grip. “Fine, your loss,” Without another word, she reared her right leg as far back as it would go before delivering a swift kick with the toe of her boot - directly against his shin. 

Dario, perhaps opposite of Margot, was generally quite a touchy person. It was simply the culture he’d been raised in, as well as the family. And in addition to all that- the warmth of another person was something of another little reminder to tell him that he was alive. As he continued to grip onto her, he took in her expression, trying to figure out if she was still simply angry, or if this was actually uncomfortable. As he was pondering this, and whether or not to set her back down to see if that helped, it seemed the woman made his decision for him. Pain. His shin suddenly burst out in a sharp pain that made him instinctively want to get whatever was causing that pain  as far away from him as soon as possible. So he dropped her none too gracefully, not entirely thinking about how she may or may not land. “Foda-se!” And then he took off in rapid Portuguse, far too distressed to deal with anything but his mother tongue. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” His words found him clinging to where she’d kicked him, his hand rubbing over the spot in a soothing motion.

Thank goodness Margot still had one ankle that wasn’t totally out of commission. And had rough housed enough with her father to know where to hit someone where it hurt. Judging by the words he yelped - likely an expletive of some sort in whatever language he was currently speaking - that had definitely hurt like a bitch. But, as with even the best laid plans, or haphazardly tossed ones, she had miscalculated just how high off of the ground she was. When he finally released her, she attempted to ready herself for the impact, but her bad ankle hit at an awkward enough angle that she crumpled, falling back flat on her backside. “Agh! Son of a bitch, cock-sucking-- fuck, my ass!” She groaned in both annoyance and pain, keeping both hands placed behind her in order to keep herself upright. The pain from her ankle spread up the length of the entire leg, and when she tried to put even a bit of pressure on it, she winced and swore under her breath once again. Strings of blonde locks were plastered to her damp face, and through them she glared up at the male with pure loathing. “You’re such a fuck-head!!”

At first, Dario felt the sweet and glorious feeling of vindication rush through him as she cursed, glad that he might have at least gotten a smidge of revenge in return for her little stunt. Reflexively he quipped back, “Well I do love a lady who knows what she likes and wants.” But the words came out as more of a sneer than anything else. His frown turned a bit deeper as she seemed to struggle, uncertain if she was faking or not. What if she simply wanted to get him close to kick him again? “Why are you sitting there? Aren’t you going to get up?” Again, his brow furrowed in disapproval, and perhaps some confusion this time. Was ‘fuckhead’ an insult that had sprouted up since he’d been gone? 

Where did he get the gal-- Who did he think he was-- Ugh. UGH. Margot could feel herself getting worked up again, the ache and that sneer of his sending her blood boiling - but the sensation didn’t last very long. The pain emanating from her ankle was winning out over any urge she had to somehow one-up him, focusing all her attention on how she was going to maneuver on it now. After scooting herself into a sitting position, she felt a sting on her hands and, upon raising them to her face, cringed. They were skidded, a few beads of blood beginning to seep out of the slivers lacing her palms. Wonderful. Rolling her eyes, she tentatively placed both hands atop her thighs and shook her head. “What do you care? Just… just leave me alone,” 

Dario watched her carefully, still trying to figure out if this was some sort of ruse or not. He was vaguely aware of some memories while he’d been a jaguar that included animals acting hurt to get the better of him- but...well the girl wasn’t an animal, was she? At least- not in the traditional sense of the word. His nose twitched for a moment as he smelled the blood in the air, a flash of guilt going through him for the slightest moment. “You’re hurt,” was his simple answer, not a question, and more of a statement than anything. He hasn’t wanted to hurt her. She’s just been so insufferable. “You can’t walk home like that- you can’t walk anywhere like that.” He’s most likely have to help her which was….not the most appealing to him at the moment. But- she looked much more innocent on the ground, unable to move. 

The blonde’s features scrunched up in further irritation as he stated the obvious, fingers curling into the fabric of her dark jeans. “No shit,” Margot refused to look at him, choosing to glare at his shoes through her slightly tousled hair. He was so stupid. People were stupid. It was a mistake to think that just because someone seemed personable that they wouldn’t wind up being trouble in person. Why had she even agreed to help him in the first place? It seemed like the nice thing to do. Well, now it resulted in a throbbing ankle and scraped up palms. And now he was acting concerned? She huffed out a decidedly humorless laugh - more of a scoff if anything. “I’ll figure something out. Why are you still standing there, you don’t… have to feel sorry for me. Or are you just gloating because you ‘won’?” It seemed likely, however the venom that had previously been in her voice was replaced by an exhaustion. The fire had burned out, and now there was nothing but wisps of smoke, not enough to carry her anger any further, and so it simply faded into exasperation. 

Dario didn’t bother to resist the roll of his eyes when she spoke again, apparently unable to not be annoyed by her even now. Perhaps he could have left her here on the ground, but...he supposed she hadn’t needed to say yes to come and help him try and catch fish in the first place. Why had she agreed to it? Beyond that- he could practically hear his mother’s displeasure at how ungentlemanley he was being. Most likely she was rolling in her- ah- he didn’t know if she had a grave. The sting of that was far too sharp to linger on, Dario not particularly being a fan of processing emotions as of late. For now, he pushed that realization down, though it had strangely softened his expression. “I don’t feel sorry for you.” Though he did still feel that bit of guilt. Now that her claws had seemingly retracted, it was easier to swallow a portion of his pride. Now she just seemed...alright- perhaps he felt a little sorry for her. “Come-“ he said with little explanation, reaching out once more to try and lift her from her spot on the ground. “You can’t live there.”

Then why does it feel like you do? But Margot wouldn’t dare ask that question, knowing she likely wouldn’t care for the answer. She wasn’t one to garner pity from anyone, at least intentionally. Having people look at you in that way, the one where you could just sense a ‘Poor dear’ on the tips of their tongues. It almost made her sick. Even glancing up at his outstretched hand caused her to frown, staring at it as if a viper would materialize from his palm and strike her. But of all her options - hobbling home, crawling home, calling her dad - this one seemed the least likely to wind up putting her in more distress than she already was. Plus, she considered it would make them even for all of this… mess. Sighing, she grabbed onto his hand, wincing slightly at the sting of contact against her skin. “You don’t know that,” 

It was mostly the guilt that had Dario reaching out, though was also, perhaps, the beginnings of remembering an age old human tradition re-emerging. Helping your fellow human. Not that he was any sort of bleeding heart, but he couldn’t just leave her there- no matter how annoying she might be. Gripping her hand lightly, he moved forwards to try and wedge another hand beneath the pocket of her arm, to help him bring her to her feet. This time, it was rather obvious to see which of her ankles was the problem one, and he did his best to avoid jostling it. An arm went around her to try and help with steadying, though it wasn’t heavy against her. Despite it all, his eyes crinkled again at the corners, glad to see that some of her determination to be difficult was still present. Though- wouldn’t he be better off if it wasn’t? “Maybe I do know it,” he answered childishly.

Margot utilized his grip in helping her stand upright, although she still remained wary of his intentions. Any minute now she could see herself landing right back onto her butt due to his carelessness - which definitely wouldn’t bode well for him, so, maybe he was actually attempting to be a decent person. Maybe. “Or maybe you just have to pretend that you know everything to be even more annoying…” She murmured under her breath, trying to lift as much pressure off of her bad ankle as possible. It felt a little odd, using someone she barely even knew or recognized for support, but, they were well past the point of being awkward about it. This was for function, not comfort’s sake. “Wait--” Her expression bunched up as if mentally warring with herself, before she sighed and waved a hand in the direction of the still flopping ground fish. “Pick one up and put it in the ice chest. I can hold the nets,” 

Dario didn’t entirely understand what it was about her annoyance that amused him so much, at least when she wasn’t throwing fish at him. But he couldn’t seem to stop himself from feeding into it. “I never said I know everything. Just that you cannot live there on the ground.” He’d been readying to head out to...wherever he needed to take her when she caused him to pause, and a half-smirk began to form. This time his tease was barely perceptible, not wanting her to go back on her words after she’d said them. “You want me to...take one of the ground fish?” Still, a moment later he was releasing her as carefully as he could to consider the fish that were still flopping around. He chose one that had fallen most recently, and didn’t look too dirty or anything of that sort before plopping it into the ice chest. Once he’d straightened, he looked her over, lingering on her ankle. “Can you walk?”

The blonde could practically feel the smugness emanating from him, and had half a mind to insist that he forget the whole affair entirely. But then that would mean they hurried out here, fought each other and got herself injured for absolutely nothing. At least this way they would be coming away from the situation with something for all the trouble. Even if it was ground fish. “Yeah, yeah, don’t - don’t rub it in,” She mumbled, attempting to balance her weight on her good ankle while he retrieved a fish. At the mention of it, another throb of pain went through it, and she winced when even a bit of pressure was put onto it. “... I’m not sure. Hop on one foot, maybe, but walking’s gonna be slow going,” 

Dario abided by her request for the time being, happy enough that’d they’d at least gotten one fish after all this trouble. But he wasn’t sure how to get everything back now, Margot’s hurt ankle that he felt at least partially responsible for complicating things. He hummed for a moment, looking around at everything. “Would you be able to carry the ice chest and the nets? And then I would carry you with them.” It shouldn’t be too bad, right? She seemed just a bit taller than average girls. 

… Was he serious? Margot’s lips formed a thin line as she pondered the offer, needing a moment to process it fully. Wow, deja vu had never felt so, incredibly, absolutely infuriating before this very moment. “Fine,” She ground out, before she could over-think the matter and stop herself from accepting the much needed help. There was absolutely no other way they were going to make it back without more physical pain; so she would settle for a blow to her pride. Without waiting, she grabbed the chest, nets, and held them in front of her before motioning for him to go ahead and get on with it.

Dario only just managed not to roll his eyes. He was offering help, and this girl was going to be snippy about it? Honestly- was there a more ungrateful person on the entire planet? But, whatever. He wasn’t about to let her walk home in this state, despite his current opinion. Once she seemed ready to go, he bent and carefully lifted her in his arms, one arm under her knees, and the other cradling her back. He shifted her weight a couple of times, finding the position that was most comfortable before asking. “Where to, then?” As if he were a taxi service. Again, he realized he still didn’t know her name, and figured now was as good a time as ever to ask. “What���s your name, anyway? Have to know what to put on the death certificate if you don’t make it with that ankle of your’s.”

Once in the position that felt far too familiar for her liking, Margot attempted to relax herself as much as possible. The ice chest rested in her lap, the nets atop and turned so they wouldn’t smack him in the face as he walked. Though the image of it happening brought the beginnings of a smile to her features. “Start down the street here, then make a left at that lamp post,” She motioned a bit further down with her free hand. After promptly rolling her eyes heavenward at his… attempt of a joke, she contemplated giving him a fake name just to mess with him further. “Don’t joke about that - some people have actually died because of a sprained ankle,” She paused, gnawing on the inside of her cheek a bit before finally mumbling, “Margot,”

Dario followed her directions carefully, still rather miffed that they’d only gotten one fish. Still- at least they weren’t going home empty-handed. Though...he seriously doubted the girl would want to cook the fish with him now after their entire debacle. Besides, did he even wanna cook it with her, anymore? But then, who would get the fish? Maybe she should have it. He barely knew how to cook it, anyway. Damn it. He’d really wanted to figure out the fish thing. Oh, well. “Oh- I’m sure,” he simply replied blandly, not looking to start another fight at the moment. “Margot,” he said after a moment, trying her name out. Then he gave a musing hum, as if deciding whether or not to give his own name in return. “Dario,” he offered gruffly, and just like that, the fish rain had come to a stop as soon as it had started

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Fri 1 Feb

Happy 25th Birthday Harry!!!

For anyone who enjoys a picture of Harry Styles and come on, what's not to love, today was a Very Big Day. First, Helene Pabrum posted a pic that will be a classic for the ages, mark my words. Some people found it annoying in that it was clearly meant to be released (going by the inclusion of the Rob Sheffield book) but most were just glad it was released with its glistening hitties and beautiful lighting, swooning all around. Harry's cousin posted a throwback pic with Stan in it, Waseem posted a pic of Harry glaring intently at a pool game, Sarah Jones gave us Harry cuddling with her and Mitch, and when we were all half dead already Alister Mackie allowed himself to be bribed by the promise of a corn chip from a fan and tipped us over the edge with approximately 100 outtakes from the Another Man photo sessions, including our boy in that flowery field in a straight up dog leash that hadn't been visible in the published pics. Another Man mag made the Harry issue available to read free online until Mon. Pics were posted of Harry with Camille Rowe from 2017; he's wearing a shirt with a huge ass pride rainbow on it, lol.

Naturally there were lots of pictures from Japan as well. The video from Mt Fuji was from Jan 1 and the outfit in it suggests that many of the pics we've seen were from that day. There were various random ones, and Kunichi Nomura (who, evidence suggests, has some tie to Jeff/ HSHQ) posted yet another pic with Harry in the background. His blurry lil self is wearing braces and a hat shaped like a birthday cake! It was posted 5 am Tokyo time which was convenient for maximum exposure to European and American fans and it could have been taken at any time at all.

In completely unrelated news, Louis, previously MIA for weeks, was suddenly Placed in L.A. by a video from Jordan Green and a change to his ig location. He was playing footie with the lads! In a beanie! It would be the best two seconds of most days no contest, but stiff competition today so I'm gonna call it a draw for this reporter. Not only that, there is reason to believe music stuff is happening! Jordan posted from Village Studies, a famous studio where, among many other things, part of HS1 was recorded. Jordan's pic had something in it that isn't usually there though, a PIANO! God help us all if they're recording Louis playing that piano. We're unlikely to find out anytime soon though- Sony documents show that LT1 will not be released this quarter (a period ending in April). Disappointing news indeed and many are taking it hard, but the single could still come out at any time.

Eleanor posted some pics of Clifford and Bruce, I guess to establish that she dogsits for Louis while he's out of town? Seems like that could bite them in the butt pretty hard next time they want to use her posting dog pics to suggest that he's with her but sure okay. I mean, I don't even necessarily believe SHE'S with the dogs but Clifford looks great and that's the important thing.

Niall is promoting the RTE orchestra Flicker with a video of So Long, because he heard the fans saying they wanted a recording of the song he was playing on tour and ponied up when would your fave ever*coughHARRY* (JK love you hbd Harry babe!) But anyway thank you Niall Horan, Man of the People! He also tweeted a happy birthday to Harry and chatted more with Derry Girls actress Nicola Coughlan who said he was a "model customer" when she waited on him. No no, he's a MODEL! If you ever need help remembering Nicola, just think "shake like ...vibrato... a _____ , or some kind of bottle..."

Meanwhile rumors flew about Liam! It was suggested that his constant companion of the last few months, Edward Enninful, was less than constant to his long term partner, Alec. An anon suggested that Edward and Liam appearing alone at recent events could be connected to said partner unfollowing Liam on social media. Shocking if true! While Edward's post showing his and Liam's pictures snugged up close beside one another in a wedding-like place setting was, indeed, interesting, it seems that his partner never did follow Liam so we have no reason to suspect untoward behavior. This is good news but I had gotten so excited to talk to you all about a ship name for the pair! I mean come on Payneful was just RIGHT THERE!!! Oh well.

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EDIT: oh crap! It was such a busy day that I literally forgot to say that the face girl's tattoo was fake! Well big surprise there, yawn. I find cheap stunty promo annoying enough when the boys do it and worse when someone else just decides to use them for it, no thanks. Next please, BYE

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #219

“make a move and you pay for it; pick a lord and you pray to it.”

Do you actually love your grandpa? I don't really remember either of mine. I do from what I remember and have learned of them, though. Do you actually love your grandma? I don't remember my dad's mom at all, but I mean, I love her simply for being my dad's mother, who loved her. My mom's mom, yeah, even though she's. Hard to like a lot of the time. Do you have Facebook? Yes. What was the last thing you posted on someone’s wall? A birthday post. Do you have MySpace? My old one still exists, but I sure haven't been on it since it was current. What is your favorite kind of music? Heavy metal. Favorite soft drink? Mountain Dew Voltage is actually cocaine to me rip. Favorite food? Probably like... pepperoni pizza or cheeseburgers. I'm a full-blooded 'Merican. Have you ever felt replaced? OH, HAVE I! Have you ever worn false eyelashes? No. Do you ever regret making a friend? I don't think so. Can you cure mental illness? I don't know about cure, but you can certainly learn how to handle it better and alleviate symptoms. Is God good? Define "God." Cats or dogs? Kitties. Do you play video games? Yeah, but I don't play nearly the variety that I used to. Do you take medication for mental health? Yes. Can you really be racist to a white person? No shit? Do you have a favorite hair accessory? What does it look like? No. What’s your favorite type of insect? Butterflies. What’s your LEAST favorite type of insect? Larvae, like maggots. Disgusting. Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What did you say? What’s his/her favorite food? Idk and I don't feel like checking. I rarely use it. What was the last song you listened to? Does it mean anything to you? "Thoughts & Prayers" by Motionless In White is a mood with my mad-at-God-24/7 ass. It needs to stop honestly. I've become so hateful about religion. Not towards followers, mind you, just the concept itself. I could write a novel on this, but I don't feel like it. Just me and organized religion don't get along anymore. Have you ever slept in a water bed? On a water mattress, yeah. How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? Never tried, not for me. Sounds messy. Does your ex have a job? My most recent, I guess you mean? Yeah. Have you ever slept in a car? Yeah, on long drives to like New York and stuff. What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? *checks phone* "Sweetie." How often do you use Flickr? Never. I can't log into my account anymore since Yahoo said "fuck u Britt," so there's no point. Have you ever been on a blind date? No. Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? She's my girlfriend so y'know like- Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? We very much disliked each other at first, so... guess, lmao. Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Eh, that's a mystery... Juan was very sweet to me, but I know he had a bad rep. I didn't really see how he interacted with others. How’s your appetite atm? It's normal. I'm not currently hungry. Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? Sara randomly and excitedly texted me to tell me "Welcome to the Jungle" was on at work, which was on the radio both when I was there and she was here, so she thought of how much she missed me lakdjsfkalwe I smiled my face in half. Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? Eh, it wasn't awful. It was for my school ID. What is one vacation destination that many people think is just fabulous but which you personally have no desire to visit (or revisit)? New York City. My sis went and said it was 1.) insane and 2.) disgusting. If you were five years younger but knew everything at that age that you’ve actually learned over the last five years, what is one thing you would definitely do differently? Go to the partial hospitalization program way sooner. What serves as the greatest motivation for you in your daily life? To earn a happy, content future. What activity that you have to do every once in a while that you dread the most? "Every once in a while," I'd say clean Mitsu's cage. She is such a strange rat. Enjoys pets, but being picked up is a no sir. When people hear what you do for a living, what is the most typical question or comment they give you regarding your job? N/A If you were left alone for one hour with nothing more than a pen and a notepad, what would you be inclined to draw or write during those 60 minutes? I'd probably write a poem. I know I wouldn't draw 'cuz fuck no am I doing so with a pen. If you could witness anything at all in super-slow motion, what would you want to see? Uhhh. Idk. Anything I can think of, like lightning, I've seen because of the Internet. If someone were looking for you in a bookstore, in what section would they be most likely to find you? Probably like, young adult fiction/fantasy, something like that. What do you forget to do more often than anything else? Lately, take one of my mood stabilizers. I need to get the box out... aaaand forget every day. I haven't felt any different without it tho so like... If you could teach everyone in the world one skill, what would it be? Compassion, maybe. You’ve been offered the chance to paint a billboard along a highway with any message you choose, as long as it’s only 10 words long. What is your message? I'm not spending time musing over something that serious lakaljdsfawe. Would you ever travel to Africa? Hell yes. I desperately want to go to South Africa on the Tswalu Kalahari tour. Whose house were you last at? Besides my own, my older sister's. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I guess this depends on how near death you mean. I've been in one car accident that my mom managed to make minor only by being a good driver; realistically, we should've flipped, according to the cop. My mom just acted quickly enough. Then I heavily ODed, but I was given more than enough fluids in time to keep me surprisingly okay. I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't told Mom so quickly, and I don't care to think about it. I'm fucking lucky and don't want to think about what could've happened. Have you ever met anyone who was overly addicted to a computer game? Tbh I myself could've been in this position when my depression was so bad, but then there's factors to that that lean towards it just having been a preference versus addiction. Idk. It's not a problem anymore so not worth debating over. Have you ever been fingered? That was the first cheat when you chose abstinence lmao. What do you do the most when you are online? Watch or listen to something on YouTube. What video game have you played the most? So in WoW you can actually type in /played to see how long you've played JUST that one character up to the years (or maybe days?) down to seconds and. I will never type it in lmao. Ongoing games are v depressing. Do you have scars you don’t like to talk about? No, those are thankfully gone. What is something you and your significant other do that may seem weird to others? Be helplessly and openly in love with imaginary demons while dating each other lmao (she's a Freeza fanatic). When and why did you last cry? The second day of school because of math class. When was the last time you drank? I think like... back on the 4th of July. Or some days after 'cuz I know Mom and I didn't finish the container in one night. Do you wear jewelry a lot? Just my piercings, really. Save for on my ear lobes because the holes on the left are fucked up, yay. I'm going to wind up just slightly stretching the first holes when I can afford a small kit; actual studs or hoops look stupid. Never wanted gauges until the holes got too stretched by the weight of hoops; now something needs to be there. Who in your household do you not have a good relationship with? My sister's (who doesn't even live here...) dog Bentley. I hate him and he doesn't like me. No, that doesn't mean I mistreat a pet. He's just a pain in the goddamn ass. Who in your life are you scared to lose more than anything? My mom. I don't know what would happen to me or how I'd cope at this time. Honestly, would you rather be single or in a relationship? I'm happier in a healthy relationship. Do any of your friends not get along at all? No. I mean, not that I know of. What are your 3 favorite internet sites? I'd be LOST without YouTube, then KM follows up close. #3, uh... Facebook or Tumblr, I suppose. Have you ever gotten anything autographed, if so by who & what was it? No. Well, I do have a little book of Disney World character autographs, but I don't think that really counts. Do you prefer Walmart or Target? We use Wal-mart. Who is your favorite model? Sara is a gd model don't even @ me about it. What have you done that is out of character for you? The Joel thing is the most anti-Brittany thing I've ever done for sure. I can't think of anything more current that stands out, unless it's- NO WAIT, this was quite a few months ago, but I firmly stood against an opinion my psychiatrist made known. He's very talkative and open as hell about his beliefs in current events, and he said something about pit bulls where I was just like... um no sir. I wasn't going to be rude though to HIM of all people so just said I don't base dogs by their breed and shut up. Awkward silence and we moved on. What do you feel strong enough to protest about? LGBT acceptance and rights. I already protest by having given up Chic-fil-a okay I care y'all. What’s the biggest blooper you’ve never lived down? Who knows... What is the best thing you have done just because you were told you can’t? Idk. I'm lucky to not have really been told that... What are you most thankful for? Thinking it all over, probably being born where I am. Boy is America FUCKED UP in some places, but boy would I be in a MUCH worse place if I was born in, say, North Korea, between my mental issues, sexuality, and opinions that can go to either end of the spectrum. How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? I love them! You can find the coolest, wackiest shit. What do you like to put gravy on? I hate gravy with a passion. Have you ever gone canoeing/kayaking? No. What one thing in particular makes you feel good about yourself? I genuinely think I'm a nice person that has other's well-being in mind. What is priceless to you? Love, in any form. What is one thing you know about your family history you’re proud of? Uhhh. I guess more than anything, I'm proud of my distant cousin for her unwavering love for and loyalty to her daughter when it came to escaping the Middle East and her dictatorial husband. Read Not Without My Daughter, it's great. Do you keep a budget? I don't have an income. What makes you feel rested and refreshed? Rested, a good night's sleep following being truly exhausted. Refreshed, oh man, gimme a hot, long shower. Who depends on you the most? Nobody. Could you ever be someone’s bodyguard? Hell no. Has one of your biggest fears come true? Yes. I was entirely convinced the world would literally end if Jason left. That night still doesn't feel real. Have you ever let your mom or significant other fight a battle for you? Colleen and Mom once fought after I'd ignored her, so I guess? It wasn't my wish or anything though for her to do it; Mom had shit to say by her own volition, and I wasn't going to tell my mother "no you can't do that." Did you create a checklist for your ideal spouse? No? Have you ever ridden on a subway or train and what did you like about it? Nope. Do you have to experience something to fully understand it? Yes. What embarrasses you instantly? A LOT A LOT A LOT!!!!! It is SO easy to embarrass me, including second-handedly. Do you think you could be a firefighter, why/why not? Hell no, I'm most certainly not in the necessary shape, and quite honestly I'm not that willing to risk my life for random people that could be assholes. What do you think should be censored? Idk. I have mixed feelings on censorship, no matter how stupid it seems. Eh... yeah, idk. Are you related to anyone famous or historical, if so who? Queen Victoria and William Clark. Would you ever donate a kidney to anyone, and who? Depends on who and obviously if we're even compatible. Have you ever fired a gun? No. What is the main quality you think makes a great parent? Sincerely caring for them, probably. Who is a female role model in your life? My mom, in some ways. What childhood dreams have you neglected? Jfc a lot, I don't want to think about it. What do you have trouble seeing clearly in your mind? My future, honestly. It's hard picturing my elderly days. Like I'm not suicidal anymore, I just don't really... realize I'll get there, I guess. I can't picture myself being old and alive. Would you travel to space if possible? No, too long of a trip. Are you an optimistic person? I'm a realist. Do you consider yourself more realistic OR idealistic? ^ Have you ever felt bi-curious? I started out accepting myself as bisexual through thinking myself as bicurious. I quickly realized "bisexual" was more accurate than "bicurious," but it was an easier thing to shift acceptance towards in regards to yourself when you thought you were straight for 21 years. Are you a fan of U.S. President Donald Trump? No sir. I agree with some of his ideas, but I hate him as an asshole person without a trace of manners. Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Multiple. I'd assume most people know someone who fits at least one criterion there. Are you green-eyed? Not exactly, but they definitely have a green hue to them. They're a gray/green blue. Would you consider UFC fighting and WWE real sports events? I think it's beyond debate that a lot of it is staged, but I mean, I guess to a degree? You still have to fight. It's physical exertion. Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? No. Wait. I can't remember if my grandmother had cancer or not... but I don't think so. She was just old. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? An office, definitely. In my work-hunting as well as actual work experience, office work is probably the only job I could actually do that doesn't require a degree... Do you have a favorite wild animal? Why? You can't know me and not be fully aware meerkats are my favorite animal. Why? Ho boy. I love social species, and meerkats have such strong personalities, and holy shit are those little things brave as fuck. They're so GOSH DARN CUTE!!!! too, and their loyalty to each other is astounding. I love how playful and curious the little guys are, and... just wow okay, I could write an actual essay on how I adore meerkats so goddamn much. Do you have any unusual, uncommon phobias? I'm sure there are other people afraid of whale sharks, but I don't think it's common? And is an actual phobia of pregnancy uncommon? Idk. Do you prefer Android or iPhone? I hate my Android. I've had an iPhone in the past, and it was great. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? All, depending on my mood. Most often I'd say I like sweet. Do you believe climate change is real? We can't be friends if you don't. Do you believe in evolution OR creationism? Evolution. Do you think people can really predict the future? Nah. Have you been to a lot of shrinks? I hate that word. Just call them therapists. But yeah. How often do you clean your room? Not often enough. I need to dust... Any movies coming out soon that you want to see? I DESPERATELY wanna see the "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" one. Those books were my CHILDHOOD. What was the last fear you overcame? I don't know about totally overcame, but vocational rehab helped me quite a bit with answering the phone to numbers I didn't recognize. Have you ever hurt yourself trying to crack a body part? No, nothing on me really cracks. Well no, both my big toes do, but no, I haven't hurt myself trying to crack them. What’s the worst part about winter? The days where it's cold BUT ALSO WINDY asdkljfaklwej;awe Summer? It's too fucking hot and probably humid, too. Spring? POLLEN. Fall? Literally nothing. :') Are you allergic to anything? Pollen and silver. How many times have you changed a diaper in your life? Like, once. Which country has the most fascinating culture? Oh boy, idk. Who does your favorite song? Idrk what my current favorite song is. I say my all-time fave is "False Flags" by Massive Attack, but it's not something I constantly wanna listen to. I guess you could maybe say it's "Headache" by Motionless In White; I play and repeat that a lot. I've really been digging them lately. When was the last time you wore makeup? Shit dude, idk. Months ago. Do you prefer males or females or both? I'm generally afraid of men, but I mean, I don't "prefer" one over the other if he's a good guy. Where in your town do you go when you wanna chill with a few friends? I don't have any friends I go out with. But there's nowhere to go here anyway. Where’s the best place to get coffee? N/A Have you ever seen someone struggle with an addiction? My dad was an alcoholic, but he's recovered. He loved (idk if he still does it) fantasy football, too. Pretty sure I got my addictive personality from him, lol. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Early 2017. Do you like cranberry juice? omfg NO. Do you play any zombie-killing video games? The Last of Us is fucking dope, but I didn't finish it before my PS3 broke. :'( I like the Resident Evil series too, and some of those games have zombies or similar creatures. And The Walking Dead game tears my heart out every fucking season. What is the dominating genre on your mp3 player/iPod? Varying forms of metal. Do you have a book shelf? No. What website do you spend way too much time on? YouTube is ALWAYS open. I constantly either watch let's players and a few other kinds of YTers, moving windows around so I can see it and do other things, or listen to music. Do you like wind chimes? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!! WINDCHIMES!!!!!!!!!! Do you have a fetish? No. Do you have a pet fish? No. Don't get me wrong, they're beautiful and calming, but not worth it for me personally. They don't have much of a personality at all, and cleaning a tank so much for just a fish isn't for me. Do you like kettle corn? (That sweet and salty popcorn) Yessss! Do you enjoy classic rock? Hell yeah, man. When was the last time you went for a walk, just cause? Not since I was at Sara's last. Do you listen to Type O Negative? No. Do you have any fillings or cavities? Yeah. Have you gotten your wisdom teeth taken out yet? No, and thankfully I don't need to. One was very close to needing to be, but it has just enough room. Do you actually read privacy policies when signing up for new things? "Depending on what I’m signing up for, I’m likely to at least skim it." <<< This. Did you have a lot of birthday parties when you were younger? If so, did you invite everyone in the class? I had a party every year up to... idk what age. And no, I only invited friends. Do you like when things are color coordinated? Yes. Have you ever participated in one of those “guess how many jelly beans, mints, etc. are in this jar!” contest? if so, have you ever won? Yeah, and no. Can you juggle? Nope. Have you ever mistaken a ringing phone on TV or in a movie for your own? Who hasn't? How often do you use bobby pins? Never. My hair's really too short for them. Well, I'd probably pin the right side up if I was doing something like cleaning. Do you live on an avenue, road, drive or something else? Road. What are your school colors? Blue and white. Have you ever taken a picture with Santa when you were little? Yeah. Have you ever rolled down a steep, grassy hill for fun? Actually yeah. Do you like Nerds candy? Yes I do.

[procancelled]

So have you read that update on that stulid petition? It's some interesting "insider info" Idk I'm pretty sure its all BS but idk idk idk

I hadn't but I looked it up, read through and here are my thoughts on it (I actually made notes on paper). You might want to grab and snack and a drink because this is a long one.

1. Anyone can claim to be a friend of Holly or Jared. Nothing written here has any evidence to support it. If they know Holly and talk to her online I'd assume that they'd have shared at least a few written conversations. They also claim to have known and sent nudes to Jared. I don't want screenshots of nudes but conversations. Where is evidence?

2. Bringing up Holly's mental health wasn't needed, it was probably for sympathy and did they even have her permission to talk about this (if they do know her)(Also same thing about Jared's mental health. More on that later)?

3. I get that Ross wants to stay out of this, more on that in a moment, but if what Heidi has said is completely false and he and Holly had an open relationship, and he and Holly split on any kind of decent terms, and Ross had been mad at Heidi for stopping Holly and Jared's relationship  (which yeah, he's mad because his wife isn't fucking another man, makes sense(!)), and for yelling at Holly, then why would he remain silent on everything and let Holly take the heat?

4. Ross wants to be left out of this. They shouldn't be giving out all this information. Say he was aware of Holly and Jared's relationship (though I have my doubts) and that he and Holly were poly (things already stated by people involved in this situation) but any other alleged relationships he was in aren't the public's business.

5. Oh, and we're claiming that Ross and Holly's marriage was toxic for Holly now? I'm gonna be honest Ross is the only person in this situation I still really trust and respect so if he turns out to be not so great I don't know what I'm gonna do, but that's besides the point. Holly and Ross' marriage wasn't the healthiest? Well no shit if she was off telling another man she only had feelings for him and that he had awakened sexual feelings in her she'd never felt before. Shit like that is making me question if she ever actually had feelings for Ross.

6. Also, can we just acknowledge the fact that the person (I'm guessing creator of the petition) asking about the situation pushes the narrative they want and the other person just agrees with what they say? Seems sketchy to me...

7. Why would Ross be mad at Jared for being a good partner and stopping a relationship his wife wasn't comfortable with? I feel like Ross is reasonable enough and would understand (like yeah he may be a little insulted because that's his wife but he must have seen how close she and Jared were and would understand feeling weird about it). Even if he didn't, wouldn't he be mad at Heidi? If this is the truth (which I doubt) then the four of them should have sat down and talked about ground rules and just communicated more. Clearly none of them are cut out for being poly. And again, if Ross was mad at Heidi and not a fan of her see point 3.

8. The whole shit with Heidi and Cristina is speculation. Nothing said is factual, it's just what they 'believe'. Just because Cristina said a few things about Holly and she and Heidi reply to each other occasionally does not mean Heidi had a big scheme. Nate and Cristina broke up a while ago and I haven't seen Cristina and Heidi interact until recently. And even if they did talk they would have known each other through Nate and Jared working together. Unless we get evidence for this claim I'm not going to entertain this idea further.

9. Holly showed a sexual conversation Jared and Heidi had about Heidi's partner. The fact that their relationship was sexual isn't news. Also we don't know when Jared and Heidi stopped being poly. We know that Heidi wanted Jared to end his relationship with Holly because she made Heidi uncomfortable. I seem to remember Heidi even stated that she was fine with Jared pursuing someone else who wasn't Holly and then later they stopped being poly.

10. Heidi said Jared used the fact that he made more money over her. She also said that she and Jared had been together before Jared got big on YouTube. So claiming she was with him for money seems strange to me. Also, maybe not the wisest thing to bring up when Holly has brought up money struggles and when Ross was doing Grumps (and Holly's channel money went to her grandfather's healthcare) she was making less money than Ross so anyone could claim she stayed with Ross for money. See how easy it is to make claims? And this whole idea that she tried to isolate Jared and didn't let him 'have a life outside of her' doesn't seem believable when he had Normal Boots (talking about the guys not just the newish channel) and DCA. They claim she tried to isolate him when Jared clearly had many friends and was far from isolated.

10. They say Heidi 'ransacked' his house; Heidi says she went back to get some stuff she'd left because she had to move out quickly and Jared was out of town at the time. Holly tried to make it seem like Heidi wanted to go back and therefore she clearly wasn't abused. Who knows at this point? All that's for sure is Holly's claim was disgusting.

11. If Jared was so scared of Heidi, why did he make a statement about the divorce knowing that she'd she it even if he blocked her? Heidi said she wasn't going to say anything until she saw his statement and that he blocked her. It's funny to think that this wouldn't be happening if Jared had left it alone or just said they were getting a divorce and wanted to deal with it in private. Holly not responding about how she'd be there to suck his dick if she needed him would have helped too.

12. Just because you had a good experience with Jared doesn't mean everyone did. If someone jumped of a building and somehow ended up being completely fine after that doesn't automatically mean it's safe to jump off of buildings. Your personal experience doesn't not equal everyone's experience. I don't care if this helped you (which by the way just seems like a way of being like 'Jared helped me, he can't be a bad person because he helped me'). It was an abuse of power when he solicited nudes from his fans and minors may have been involved.

13. Mentioning Jared's mental health as a way to gain sympathy. Also, mental health is not an excuse. It can be an explanation, but if you do something that is harmful, especially to others, then you address it and get help. If you engage in risky behaviour then you get help. Jared could give his phone to someone else to stop him sexting people when depressed and fine other ways to distract himself. Additionally, to backtrack slightly, if you know that you are doing something that hurts others and don't try to stop; don't get help, then you are being abusive because you know what you're doing isn't right but you aren't trying to stop (this is more about Holly's behaviour in terms or harming others but Jared knew the risks he was taking in terms of minors possibly being involved and should have gotten help).

14. And lastly, let's go back to the fact that this person claims to be Holly's friend. Holly, who has proven many times how manipulative she can be; who has been called out for her toxic behaviour and lying. So can we trust a friend of Holly's? No. Not just because they may have false information but because they're biased anyway due to being her friend. Also, you know who else is a friend of Holly's? Her previous buisness partner who helped scam a cancer survivor. So yeah... I don't trust friends of Holly's.

[thornshadowwolf]

wow another vent rant thing (I do get quite personal (but if I didn’t want anyone seeing this I wouldn’t’ve posted it online so still go ahead and read it)) (also this is prolly gonna be long)

To start us off:

I don’t wish I was cis.

I’ve made my peace with being trans. It’s a huge part of who I am, and you know what? I’m proud of it. And I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes it sucks. Like, REALLY sucks. But it’s an integral part of my identity, and so many of the experiences that have shaped who I am wouldn’t have done so or even happened at all if I was cis. And in general, I like who I am as a person.

But there are still a lot of things I don’t like about being trans. Heck, there are absolutely things I HATE about being trans. And there is one specific one I’m gonna talk about here:

Being trans seems to invalidate a lot of my other struggles.

I've had a hard time coming to terms with me sexuality. And this might come as a surprise to some (or maybe not) because I’m open about it to the point of flaunting, but I still struggle with it. And maybe that’s why; maybe flaunting it is my coping mechanism. For a long time I tried to force myself to be attracted to girls. I felt like I was supposed to be attracted to girls. I don’t know exactly why; it might’ve been my brain going “hey you’re gay” and another part saying “well I’m a girl so that must mean I like girls.” It could have been the flip too, my brain going “hey, you’re a guy” and the next thought being “well guys like girls, so I must like girls.” I don’t know. But no matter the reason, up until quite recently I tried to force myself to find girls attractive, and that has caused me a lot of confusion and distress. But what makes it worse is that, for the most part, I’ve struggled alone. Because trying to explain my sexuality would’ve required trying to explain my gender, and I wasn’t ready for that. And, because I’m trans, a sh*t ton of people wouldn’t have taken my struggles seriously anyway. Most likely, my parents aren’t going to react the same way when I come out as they would if I was a cis guy. There are people who would see me talking about my crushes and write me off as another “boy-crazy teenage girl.” There are people who would see me struggle with having crushes on straight guys and say, “I don’t see the problem, because you’re basically a girl.”

The other thing I want to mention is that I’ve struggled against toxic masculinity for a long time. Longer than I’ve known I was trans. I was in ninth grade the first time I was able to put it together in my head, “I’m insecure about my masculinity,” and it would be another year before I really started questioning my gender. And, once again, I felt like I had to deal with this alone, partially because so many of my other conflicts and concerns (especially ones related to my masculinity) were written off as “silly,” and partially because, in my head, I still hadn’t put it together yet. “Why would I, as a girl, be insecure about my masculinity?” And I knew that if I couldn’t make it make sense to myself, I wouldn’t be able to explain it to anyone else. I know that a lot of my run-ins with toxic masculinity are probably rooted in my (often subconscious) need to be seen as a boy or a man. To be “one of the guys,” y’know? I guess my one small positive is that I've rarely directed my toxic masculinity towards anyone else; of course, the resulting negative is that I’ve directed it all towards myself. I’ve been working on this, especially over the past couple years, but excluding that time frame, the last time I willingly participated in and allowed myself to enjoy any “feminine” activity or interest I was eight. In the past, I have tried almost desperately to be unemotional, and subscribed to the idea that “boys don’t cry.” There have been moments, I’m sorry to say, that I have held girls and/or women in contempt. I have worried that by not behaving aggressively, or by being “silly,” or by admitting my faults, I’m somehow “not masculine” or “not a real man.” And this is heightened because, as a trans person, I already have to fight my dysphoria and other people over this exact topic. And from a logical standpoint, I know that there are men who are more feminine than I am, and that they are still men. But I’m going to have to fight harder to be accepted, and sometimes it seems like fitting in to the stereotype of what a man “should be” seems like an easy way out. I’m going to have to keep resisting people who will want me to either be a stereotype or not consider me a real man. And I’m also gonna have to fight my own tendencies of demeaning and self-hatred when I don’t seem “masculine enough” for a long time.

(usual disclaimer about trans people are individual people so we’re not all exactly the same not everyone has the same experiences etc)

[rose-of-pollux]

Quiz thing

Tagged by @belphegor1982​

When did you last sing to yourself?

This morning, and it was Queen’s “I Want it All.”

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

“What are my finches actually saying about me?”

Rest under the cut--

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

Getting my master’s degree in biology/my thesis project on finch learning.

What is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

Traveling in New York City with @ksturf​, seeing Anastasia on Broadway and catching 100 Unowns.

Do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

Not really.  I want to publish a thing, though.

Do you feel you had a happy childhood?

I think so!

When did you last cry in front of another person?

Ummm... I honestly don’t remember.

Pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them

...Does the person have to be living?  My answer depends on that. XD

Would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

No, but it’s been my experience that strangers like opening up to me for some reason. *shrug emoji*

When was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

Back when I was doing my master’s, my procrastination habit had come back to bite me hard, and I had left a first draft of a term paper on crocodilian behavior til the night before it was due.  It was @ksturf​ who got to hear me screeching into the void at 3AM as I got the thing done (time zone differences made it not as bad for her).  That is the last time I ever stayed up that late.

(The kicker to this is that 1. I was one of two people who turned the first draft in on time, and 2. My professor said that it was “Such a wonderful first draft and very clear that I spent so much time and effort on it” that I didn’t need to revise it and would get an A on it.  Lesson learned: it’s easy to bluff your way through a term paper--even at 3AM--if it’s something that genuinely interests you)

What is your opinion on brown eyes?

...I love them.  And I would say that even if I didn’t have them myself--because ^he does.

Pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally

"...I’ve enjoyed a lifetime of adventures around the world...” -- Robert Vaughn.

Honestly, it means so much to me--he lived such a full and fulfilling life, and if I even accomplish a fraction of the things he was able to do, that will be time well-spent.

What would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

The Life and Times of a Scatterbrained Writer

What would you do with one billion dollars?

Keep/save enough to live comfortably (maybe slightly frivolously--gotta have my Nintendo games and fandom merch), make sure my best friend also lives comfortably, some for my family, and give whatever we don’t need to those who do.

Are you a very forgiving person?  Do you like being this way?

Hahahaha... No, but I am very good at hiding it.  Should I be better?  Yeah.  Will I?  *shrugs*  Who knows...

Would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

Pastel, I guess?

How do you feel about tattoos and piercings?  Explain

Tattoos aren’t for me, nor are piercings other than ears.  And I have such a low pain tolerance that I probably wouldn’t have gotten my ears pierced if my mother hadn’t had it done when I was a toddler (my mother was a traditionally-raised Hindu who had only emigrated to the States from India a few years prior, and toddlers getting their ears pierced is a tradition going back literally thousands of years; getting a nose piercing as a mark of adulthood is also a tradition going back thousands of years, but my response to that was a firm #NOPE, and that was the end of the conversation).

Do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

Nooooooo, I hate it, I hate the way it feels on my face.

Talk about a song/band/musician/lyric that has affected your life in some way

So, Rockapella, Genesis, and Queen are three bands that I’ve known since childhood--in the case of Queen, I didn’t know it was them until I was much older (“We Will Rock You” was my hometown’s unofficial fight song for sporting events, so I’ve heard that song since elementary school--usually coupled with “We are the Champions”), and even then remained a casual fan until I watched Bohemian Rhapsody last year and just went headlong into loving them.  Freddie Mercury was an absolute legend, and finding out that he had ties to India like I did was an absolute thrill.

Rockapella were my first music loves--saw them on the Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego game show, rediscovered them years later, and never left them again.  I’ve conversed with two of the Carmen-era members online, and met two others in person.

Genesis has been my musical fixed point, along with Bryan Adams.  I’ve just constantly been listening to them throughout my life.

The Monkees brought me to tumblr and subsequently led to my meeting people here that I’m still in touch with, even if I’ve drifted away from the fandom.

And Zach Adkins holds a special place for me, as well, seeing him as Dmitry in the Anastasia musical with @ksturf.

List the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel

So, I have seen Rockapella in concert 3 times, the Monkees twice, and a solo Nez concert once.

The Nez concert was in 2013, before the more recent... clouds covered the sun, shall we say?  I had a wonderful time at the time, and many good memories, and I feel awful that things have come to this--especially when a good portion of it seems to not be in Nez’s control at all.  It’s a dang shame, but I’ll cherish the memories I have.

The two Monkees concerts were in 2012 and 2014.  The 2012 “Gazpacho tour” was truly a remarkable thing--honestly, I don’t think anyone saw a tour coming after Davy had passed, and suddenly, here it was--and I remember the night before the official announcement, when Nez had teased us and everyone here was going absolutely bonkers over the possibility, before he broke the news before the official announcement.  And then, the concert itself... there was something magical that night, undoubtedly--Micky having us, the audience, sing Davy’s signature song, “Daydream Believer,” saying that it belonged to us now.  It was so sad and wonderful at the same time.  The 2014 tour had a more upbeat and celebratory feel to it, sort of the promise that the daydream was still alive.

The first two Rockapella concerts were before my Carmen Sandiego Renaissance; they just happened to be performing in my hometown twice, so I went to see them because “Oh, these guys!” (though only two of the guys from the Carmen era were actually still with the band).  I had a great time, but it was nothing like the third time, when I went because I had rediscovered how much they’d meant to me (and drove over an hour in a snowstorm to see them.  Abysmally foolish?  Yes.  Do I regret it?  Absolutely not).  The third time was also when I got to meet the two Carmen-era guys (and the new guys) after the concert, which was... more amazing than I can ever describe.

Who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

I would have loved to have received a reply to the fan letter I had sent Robert Vaughn just two months before he had passed.  Obviously, I learned after the fact that he probably had been too sick to reply, but a reply I would have wanted would have been... just him knowing that he knew how much I admired him, and how much better he had made the world.

Do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organized/not organized?

Hahahahahaha, no.  I’m the most disorganized person in existence.  Any computer stuff I do on the couch.

What is your night time routine?

Dinner, toss around story ideas, make sure the finches are roosting/turn their light off, eventually sneak into bed as quietly as I can so as not to disturb the finches.

What’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

How unhealthily I eat some days...

If you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

Nooooo, I wouldn’t want to...

Pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

...I don’t do groups well; I’d just pick @ksturf and we’d go back to New York City.  Or maybe Hollywood this time, who knows?  Sightseeing and things--catch some Pokémon, too....

Name three wishes and why you wish for them

I wish:

I had enough money so that I and those I care about could live comfortably (self-explanatory)

That I could understand what birds were saying, and they could understand me (as someone who did a thesis on bird learning and behavior and has been trolled multiple times by multiple birds [including my own], I have personal questions I want answered).

That Robert Vaughn was still here (again... self-explanatory)

What is the best Halloween costume you have ever put together?  If none, make one up

I put together an awesome Carmen Sandiego costume in like... 2011?  Everyone knew exactly who I was.

What’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

...There are a lot of things I would never do for a million dollars.

What’s your Starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

Dragonfruit refresher with lemonade.  @ksturf is the one I trust.

What is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

Well, I just wrapped up my one-year position as a lab tech, so finding where I go from here is pretty much the biggest thing right now...

[theclaravoyant]

I've been questioning my gender too lately and I just want to know what made you realise you're NB? I'm struggling to figure mine out. Xxx

No worries, I am happy to help!

The story of it all got a little long so my key tips/bits of info I picked up are:

Try to start from a position of gender neutrality. Ask yourself, if I had not been assigned this gender at birth, what would I be?

Remember that dysphoria is about discomfort and disconnect; it does not have to be a strong, aggressive, instantly recognisable experience, and you may be surprised when you reflect how it shows up in you.

Accept flexibility and not-knowing on your journey. Don’t be afraid to try things out and see what sticks.

Familiarise yourself with a wide range of gender diverse experiences. This will give you things you can relate to and identify with, which will help you navigate the waters of gender identity. This has been extremely helpful for me as I have heard some experiences that very much resonate with me, and that more than anything has given me the confidence to explore my identity and to come out.

That’s the short version of my advice, but there’s a bit more detail and explanation below the cut. I am super happy to give more examples and things like that, or explain/clarify, etc, but this should get the ball rolling :D

First of all, a couple of years ago when I was basically introduced to the concept of trans people and gender questioning (rather than the ‘always knowing’ narrative), and I was contemplating my sexuality at the same time, I decided I might as well question my gender as well. However it was soon clear to me that I was/am not a man or trans-masculine, because basically it sort of… didn’t make sense to me on an intimate level, Like, I understood the concept of being trans, but the being a man part I could never imagine or grasp. I didn’t want a penis, I didn’t want he/him pronouns, but on another level a bit more intimate than that… It’s a bit hard to explain, but basically I went “could I be a man? probably not? cool”.

At that time I had not heard of nonbinary people and though over the years I became more aware of nonbinary genders and such, I always thought of it like “I’ve questioned my gender already, it’s time to question my sexuality now”. I didn’t revisit my gender questioning with this new information until a few months ago. When I did, it was in the wake of several things - for example, the exclusion of trans & nb people in debates about marriage equality going on in my country last year made me much more aware of them as a people, as a community, as well as their issues, relationships etc. Seeing trans people in media, and my first nb person! (Syd from ODAAT), also helped, because it normalised those experiences and started to make them part of my life. Syd was also an example of a nonbinary person who ID’d as gay and was in a relationship with a woman, so this showed me that I could still be who I am essentially, and still potentially be nonbinary. So there was this rep and these resources and awareness slowly sort of trickling in and piling up, and then earlier this year I had a very interesting conversation with a colleague from Amnesty International, where I am quite involved.

This conversation with this colleague was in the context of an LGBTQI+ allyship workshop. We had stickers on which we wrote our name and pronouns and this colleague hadn’t written anything under pronouns. Since she was fairly high up I wanted to get her to participate more fully in the exercise and I was all “fill out those pronouns babe!” (paraphrased) and she shrugged and said “I don’t really have pronouns. I don’t mind, I’ll go by any.” Later in this exercise, we were asked to think about and express where we fell on a spectrum of sexuality and a spectrum of gender.

I asked my colleague about what she had said regarding the pronoun thing and she explained in a little more detail using terms and phrases such as:

I don’t feel like a woman.

I don’t identify with women / as a Rights Holder for women’s rights (at Amnesty, RH basically means a community member as opposed to an ally of that community)

I don’t really care about my gender.

I found these sorts of sentiments really strongly related to me, except that I did care about gender. I wanted an answer to why I felt this way, this disconnect with womanhood, and that’s what (re)ignited my questioning process. I found that a lot of nb people, especially those somewhat aligned with their gender assigned at birth, expressed similar sentiments, including Rebecca Sugar, a creator of Stephen Universe (which I don’t watch, I just stumbled across a video clip recently of SDCC where she says):

I like both she/her and they/them. I am fine with being perceived as a woman, but it’s not something I really identify with internally, which is why I’ve been hesitant to talk about it, but I think that the characters in the show have been a really wonderful way to express myself because I think, like, many of the Gems, they don’t mind being seen as women, and it’s sort of part of their experience, but it’s not something they really think about, about themselves. That’s very much how I feel.

This was RIGHT on the money for me. So my first main bit of advice would be, search for those experiences and don’t be too willing to disregard experiences that gel with you. They mean something. Other things I found incredibly valuable to my questioning process include:

Start from a position of gender neutrality. Similar to removing heteronormativity when we are questioning sexuality, this can be difficult to do or even conceptualise, but it might be worth trying to start from a place of, “if I had not been assigned this gender at birth, what would I be?” I found that my experience of questioning my sexuality gave me good practice in this regard, as I sort of found that I was just ID’ing as a woman because that’s what I always had been, just as many people ID as straight because they just sort of… are, or haven’t had the resources to recognise they’re not yet.

For me an example of this is pronouns. My mother and I were talking about gender neutral pronouns (in general), and she told me she found them weird and dehumanising whereas I was completely fine with them. However, what she was describing sounds very much like feeling misgendered, including how I would feel if someone were to refer to me with he/him; I would want instinctively to correct the person speaking. Mum would also feel that with “they/them”. I would not. 

Learn/Remember that dysphoria isn’t always as dramatic or traumatic as ‘popular’ trans narratives make it out to be. It is not always a very strong, clear, sometimes violent experience, like “I need x body parts or I’ll become depressed”. It was not like that for me at all and for a long time I thought I did not experience dysphoria at all, but I do - it’s just that it’s more in the sense of a disconnect with the identity of “woman”. Dysphoria is about discomfort with your perceived or assigned gender. It’s up to you to explore that relationship and that discomfort - eg are you comfortable with your name, your pronouns, your presentation and/or expected presentation? If not, what would you prefer? If you would prefer something associated with the “opposite” gender, you may shift further around the scale than I did. If there is a disconnect, but it’s harder to find something to connect to, then you may be more in the neutral space.

Familiarise yourself with a range of gender diverse experiences. There is no “one way” to be nonbinary, and familiarising myself with a wider range of these experiences helped me to understand that nb isn’t necessarily a third gender of sorts, it’s more like, the space between / beyond / outside “male” and “female”. From there it can then be used as a gender identity, or there are more specific ID labels for you to explore. I felt swamped by the specific labels, but I am quite comfortable with the general one. You may prefer to go hunting for a specific one that matches your experience more closely/specifically. Either way, seeking out nonbinary people - whether online or irl - helps you find something and say “that sounds like me! I feel that!” and that’s what it’s all about.

Don’t worry too much about the trolls. It is hard to explore being nonbinary in a world where people from one side or the other are likely to attack for being too special, too political, etc etc. It’s especially hard in terms of the questioning process, if you don’t have a strong sense of dysphoria and/or euphoria guiding you to the right answers. However, it’s important to remember some important things during the questioning process to help you focus on the questioning itself and not the response to the questioning, which can scare you off (and which, I believe, is what was keeping me from coming out). For example:

You can’t fail at identifying as a gender, even if that gender is the one you were assigned at birth, and you don’t have to pick one and be stuck with it for life. You can change genders 50 times if you have to to find the one that suits you best.

Changing your gender doesn’t have to change everything you are. You don’t have to change your name or pronouns or your body, or even your sexuality (though you might have a different relationship with that too) just because you ID as something where people might tend to do that.

Don’t be afraid of being ‘political’ - eg I’m concerned that if/when I come out, people are going to say “is this because you’re gay?” “is this because of your uterus/child having problems?” etc to which many people will answer ‘no’ but to which my answer is actually ‘I don’t know, and I don’t care.’ People should respect you anyway, and you know who you are better than they do. Your gender isn’t defined by your name, pronouns, clothes, hobbies, or anything, but those things - and your relationships with them - can definitely help (and complicate!) this journey.

If you are not sure where exactly you fit, perhaps try out a broad label and work out your place within it as you go. For example, I identified as “wlw” loooong before I found my relationship with terms like gay, lesbian, queer and so on. Nonbinary or genderqueer can be broad labels if you’d like to sit with them for a little while and see what comes to you. Sometimes “well, I’m not x” is the best you can do, and from there just sort of see what happens.

Some blogs you might find helpful to check out include @nonbinaryresource @genderfluidsupport and @nonbinary-suggestions. They often have asks etc in which people describe their gender experiences and look for terms and such.

Again, feel free to ask me any questions, I’m a pretty open book, but I hope this has given you a little help for now!

Much love & good luck~ Clara

[montydollcrew]

The Experience - Getting my Luka

As I said before, I will soon be the proud owner of DD Luka - tomorrow evening is when she should reach me. Before she arrives I thought I would write about how the actual experience went down as something separate from the event reports I like to do. After all, while I initially wasn’t going to get her for a while due to recently buying a new laptop, one of the main reasons I wanted to get Luka at Dolpa was because there’s a good chance that it will be my last Dolpa I can attend for a long time, and I thought it’d be a nice memory. There have been numerous different methods of doing the limited dolls at Dolpa over the years, and recently its changed slightly again. If the process interests you, read on.

First, we arrived at Tokyo Big Sight bright and early. There are two lines - the general line and the Sumika line. The people in the general line have immediate access to the event itself and the Dealer space, but the line for the Sumika store - the store for licensed Dollfie/Dollfie Dream items - is for people who wish to try for the limited dolls - like me. The Sumika store doesn’t open for everyone else until after everyone in the Sumika line has already gone through it, so you have to decide if you want to try for (but possibly fail) the limited dolls, or try for (and possibly miss out on) dealer items of limited quantity.

The Sumika line had us standing about five or six abreast. An amazing coincidence - the person I was standing next to turned out to be one of my twitter mutuals who has a custom Kaito! She was there with her friend who was super hyped for Luka, and she let me take a pic of her itabag. 

I wasnt too far from the head of the line, but at this point, the position doesn’t actually matter as it’s not first-come first-serve.

Around 9:30am, the staff distributed numbered tickets to all of us - but vertically, rather than in the horiziontal snaking order we were queued in. (Meaning, my number was 217, the person in front of me had 216 and behind me 218, but the my twitter mutual next to me, who was technically the person in front of me in terms of the order we lined up in, had 139. So yes, the numbers were in some kind of order and not randomly distributed which is where I believe this method differs from one of the old methods I read about on the DD forums in the lottery guide, where the queue order was determined by the random number you received alone(correct me if I’m wrong on this as that info is gone now). 

After everyone had their number, some Volks staff addressed us with a megaphone and told us that there were over 900 people in the Sumika line. (I cant remember the exact number, but it was a lot). Obviously, not all these people can get Luka - not even half of them I would guess (although many people in the line were aiming for the other limited dolls - the two new SDs Lucia and Mia, and the rerelease of DDs Sheryl and Ranka). The staff member then drew three numbers from a box - ping pong balls with numbers from 0-9 on them. The person with that number would be the head of the queue. I remember it very clearly - it was ticket number 885! 

This meant that the queue order would be first 885, then all the people behind them, and then the rest of the queue from the very beginning. (885-->900andwhatever, then 1--->884. A moment of silence for the person who got 884.) At this point I wasn’t sure if that was good news for me or not, and I started looking around to see other peoples reactions. Some were pretty pokerfaced and others had started smiling. I calculated in my head that, since I would be the number 217, with 216 people in front of me and the people from 285-900andwhatever, that put my position roughly in the early 300s. I had read from SakuraSylph on the DD forum that any line position under 400 was a sure thing, but I was too anxious to believe it, and didn’t want to get my hopes up just in case.

That wasn’t the only reason I was feeling a bit nervous - it was also because i was in line to get a doll I hadn’t seen in person before, which i’ve never done for any of my other DDs. (I had been hoping thered be a display Luka in Akihabara before the event but there wasnt). Even though I knew that almost every single DD ever released looks better in person than the official photos, and I already liked Luka’s official photos, I still had a nagging feeling that I might not like her when I saw her. And then finally the line was moving into the venue through a back door near where the Sumika store was (a different point of entry to the people in the regular line), and the first thing we saw was the dolls in cases, letting us get a really good look at them as we went past, and I saw her.

And that was the moment I decided I definitely wanted her, but I still had no idea if I was even getting her today at this point. The Sumika store was still up ahead - first we approached a counter with one Volks Staff member at it.  On the counter were pictures of the limited dolls with numbers. There was no sold out sticker on any of them yet. When the guy asked me what doll I wanted, I was so nervous and so elated that I pretty much blurted MEGURINELUKA like a dumbass. When he asked for my numbered ticket, I accidentally thrust the ticket from Doll Show the previous day at him instead. I really hope I wasnt the only one that got like that, but I didn’t really care, because the next thing I knew I had this in my hand:

and then went back to stand in the queue still waiting to get into the Sumika store, and all I could do was stare at it. And then I thought ‘oh...I did get her’, and immediately messaged everybody who wanted to know. I didn’t know this at the time, but I found out later looking through tweets and time stamps exactly how close I was to missing out. According to those time stamps there were no more Lukas available not that long after I’d gotten my purchase ticket. I also found out just today that two people from the Fukuoka doll group I am in had also tried their luck and failed. So it was definitely a close call, and I feel even luckier about it.

The wait for the store was pretty long, but I didn’t care - I was holding that ticket so tightly because I was scared that I would drop it or something. I didn’t even want to put it in my pocket in case it fell out. But even though I didnt even have her yet, it felt very special. The Sumika store was even playing my favourite Luka song (Dreamin’ ChuChu by emon) so it felt extra special (and was also a relief, because although the song was only audible around the Sumika store area, the rest of the event space has the...extremely questionable playlist thats at every Dolpa, and needless to say I still have Dancing Queen stuck in my head)

Once I finally was able to go into the Sumika store I went right through it - I didnt even want to look at the other new items because I can get them from the Fukuoka store later anyway, and I’d rather save my money for the dealer stuff. At the cash register I paid for Luka, was instructed to come to the designated area to pick her up after 12, and then went off into the event hall to enjoy the event.

Some time after 12 I went to that designated area with my receipt. The staff member went out the back and came back with a huge box, and I’m thinking ‘oh shit! That’s my one!’ As I took the box another staff member took a photo, explaining that they were taking photos of ‘the moment the owner receives the new doll’. I have no idea what they do with these but he did at least tell me they dont put them online without permission. 

Just like the other vocaloids, Luka’s box is huge...honestly annoyingly so. I don’t really know how I’d get her on my flight home without either paying extra or unboxing her now/throwing the box away (or maybe folding it up). Since I wanted to unbox her at home I decide I wouldn’t open her and would mail her back to my apartment. Luckily Dollpa has a booth just for this with various boxes of all sizes (including one big enough to fit four doll boxes in...) As I was going to be busy with a few things and didnt want distractions, I made the delivery request field be the night of Thursday 10th.... tomorrow after work, now. 

It was pretty hard to resist the urge to just have a quick peek at her but quickly boxed her up and sent her off.

Many other people at the event were not so patient, and so after 12 there were quite a few Lukas around the event space. Some people had even already put her in different outfits and wigs. I might show some of those when I do a report post.

Anyway, that was my experience - I dont know if it was interesting to anyone other than me, but it was my first time experiencing getting a DD in this way. Among other things such as getting to hang out with some friends from the forum, it certainly made it a Dollpa to remember.