#until i saw that other post about katy perry

[fridayiminlovemp3]

ur so gay - katy perry / dumb and poetic - sabrina carpenter

[urrockstar-xe]

meant for each other - j.m x fem!reader

posted april 30th, 2023, 9:23 pm

pure fucking fluff this is so cutesy im sry

masterlist

wordcount: 0.9k

“What do you see in him?” 

Sarah’s question made you laugh. What did you see in him? Please,

When you looked at JJ you saw the stars that scattered the sky the night you shared your first kiss, you saw the sunlight coming in through your curtain, shining perfectly over the boy lying fast asleep in your bed. You saw the waves crashing against you in the most comforting way possible. 

When you looked at JJ you saw your safe space, your future, and a slight fear of ever relating to “the one that got away” by Katy Perry. This is ironic considering your entire life you’ve been practically preaching words like “You’re 16 he’s not the love of your life, he’s just some boy, don’t worry, the pain will end” but now you get it because if anything were to happen you probably wouldn’t shower a lot and you’d cry so much you’d end up the most dehydrated you’ve ever been.

But as Sarah and Kie giggled beside you, you didn’t say all that. You simply responded, “What do you see in john b and fucking Topper?” 

This threw the three of you into another fit of laughter as Kiara seconded what you said and Sarah defended her taste in men. You let her, and all of her points were valid. You didn’t defend your taste because it seemed impossible for anyone to understand.

And for the most part, you were right. Your friends would watch as you laughed at a stupid joke JJ made or how fast he’d do something simply because you’re the one who asked (“jj open this beer for me?” “Yes, ma’am”), they’d watch as you scold him for the hundredth time through tears because he takes the phrase “ride or dies” far too literally for your liking. They noticed every single time that JJ sat down how he’d nod towards you as a signal to come to sit by him, and how you happily obliged every time, whether it be in his lap or on the floor in front of him. (though when this is the case he’ll have you switch places while making some dirty joke about sitting between your legs which always ends in you shoving his shoulder and him using your thigh as a pillow). They notice how gentle you act towards him whenever there's a new bruise on his cheek or cut on his lip. They notice all of it and for the last 2 years (1 year and 3 months of friendship, 8 months of something more) John B will say “They’re meant for each other,” and his two friends would nod and hum in agreement. Sarah caught on fairly fast to how you two were. The dynamic of two people who would do anything to prevent losing all they had.

The first time she fully noticed just how bad it was, happened a while back when John B was getting arrested and the cops had you all surrounded. 

She saw the look that flashed in your eyes when you saw JJ prepping his gun for whatever idiotic idea he had in mind, she saw the sirens going off in your head as he watched John B direct JJ’s plan elsewhere and give himself up. The sirens didn’t stop until all of the cop cars and boats were scattering back to where they belonged. Leaving the group of pogues without their friend. But all you could think of was the image of your boyfriend murdered in front of you by a bunch of cops. Because yeah it didn’t happen but what if it had? Sarah had seen the way you pushed JJ back just to grab fistfuls of his shirt and bring him right back to you, “what the fuck was that, JJ? Huh? If they had even seen that gun you’d be bleeding out right now, No actually you’d probably be fucking dead” Pope tried to intervene but he was quickly shut up by Kiara pulling him back to her side, silently telling him to leave you be. JJ was quiet, his eyes rapidly moving to follow the stream of tears rolling down your cheeks, his hands softly placed on your wrists to try and keep your hands from shaking more than they already had been. 

“You always say that stupid shit about having nothing to lose but I fucking do JJ and it’s you, you’re what I have to lose and if you ever do some stupid shit like that again I swear to god-” 

And at that moment, as Sarah saw you practically fall into him, sobbing into his shoulder while he held you together, she realized.

She saw what you saw, she saw everything you had, everything you needed, who happened to come in the form of a pretty and reckless teenage boy.

Now, months later, she watched as you were twirled in a circle by that very same boy. Smiling and Laughing as you danced under the tree lights at the chateau. 

“They’re meant for each other” This time it was Sarah saying it, with a soft smile on her lips. Four people agreed in hums and nods. “They've always been like that?” Cleo’s question was immediately answered by groans and laughs, “only since the beginning of time,” Pope replied, “it’s like they're in their own little disgusting world,” Kie joked.

“I think it’s sweet,” Sarah said, “me too,” John B agreed.

[iambic-stan]

Concertina

Writing this story was very therapeutic for me. I hope someone else, cardiophile or otherwise, can get some comfort and reassurance out of it, too.

"I'm not policing what you think and dream," was the lyric I fixated on, though it was only the first verse of the song.  Every explanation of the song "Concertina" I'd read contradicted my own interpretation.  Wasn't it mostly a song about feeling bold enough to be strange, even if it was frightening?  There was applause in the bar when I finished, and made me feel like the risk of a new track selection had paid off.  Tori clapped with the most vigor, as she usually does.

"Girl, who sang that one?" she asked, noting that it was different from my usual selections like Stevie Nicks and Pat Benetar.  I stared at her drink, something with pineapple and gin if I recalled, with this hypnotic red-orange-yellow ombre effect.  Without taking my eyes off of it, I said, "It was a Tori Amos song.  Not a big hit or anything though.  You share a name," I said, lightly touching her shoulder, "You should sing something of hers one night."

"Not if the DJ has anything Taylor," she laughed.  It was fair.  Tori loved to sing Taylor Swift at karaoke, just like how she loved to talk about Gaylor theories, analyze her lyrics, speculate about what her various IG and Tumblr posts might foretell, and scour Stubhub and every other possible site for the least-bankrupting concert tickets.  I was just along for the ride, though I had a couple of her albums at home myself.

"Ok, do something from Lover," I suggested.  

"I don't know.  What if all they have is "YNTCD?" she whined, abbreviating Taylor's divisive LGBTQ anthem from 2019, one that I happened to enjoy despite any criticism.  

"I know you like it, and maybe I'm being a terrible Swiftie, but isn't she just trying to hijack our trauma and claim it as hers?  *Unless* she is gay but didn't want to say so explicitly in the song.  It's great that she gave so many queer people screen time.  I didn't even know who Billy Porter was until I saw the video.  But then again, why did she make it about resolving her beef with Katy Perry?  That was so random.  Anyway, I'll see what I can do...for you, Elena."  She ran her hand down my arm and then squeezed my hand for a second.  She's drunk, I thought, but I appreciated the affection.  Her hand was soft and it felt right--sensual without the suggestion of something more.  I wouldn't want anything more.  

Well, that wasn't entirely true.  I had come to feel at home with Tori over the past year--my first close friend since college who also happened to be queer.  I had lingered longer when hugging her, and since she knew I was asexual, I didn't think she ever took anything the "wrong" way.  At home I had a bright magenta stethoscope that sat on my nightstand, waiting.  But since I'd never told Tori that 1) I loved heart sounds, 2) loved using stethoscopes, and 3) wanted to use one with her, my stethoscope could have been waiting for Godot.  I had strongly considered putting her (the stethoscope--named Alex for my love of Wizards of Waverly Place) in the living room so that Tori could just happen to notice her while we were watching a movie.  But I played the conversation out in my head and felt mortified with every possible script I wrote.  Still, whenever I pictured her wearing the binaurals and listening to my heart, I felt like skipping through a field of daisies.  It just seemed like I was struggling with level one of a video game while ravenously reading walkthroughs of the battle with the final boss I might never meet.  Not that it was a game to me--my love of heart sounds was and always had been one of the most important things in my life.  It kept me sane and grounded, and most of all, it was how I felt close to someone I cared about.

I felt a bit of envy as I watched her throw her arm around the DJ, whose adorable curly head of hair and petite stature brought to mind Jorgeous from one of my favorite shows--Rupaul's Drag Race.  But I wasn't jealous that Not-Jorgeous was enjoying Tori's affection; I wished I could have that sort of magnetism that drew everyone to me and put them immediately at ease.  Trauma had prevented me from being so gregarious.  I watched as four more karaoke singers ran up to Tori, happy to see a familiar face (she was there every week) and get their expected hug.  No, I didn't necessarily want that much attention, I realized--I only wanted the confidence and grace to be completely open with her.

When I heard the first few sharp, synth-laden notes, I knew exactly what song it was.  Tori was deadly serious in her delivery and everyone in the bar turned to gaze at this tall, striking woman who would almost look imposing if her face weren't so soft and kind.  "Combat, I'm ready for combat," she sang, and I was shocked that the DJ would have this track from Taylor's Lover album that we could agree on.  In a moment of accountability that Taylor-haters never acknowledge, the singer tells us she's been "the archer" and "the prey," and feared her propensity for causing hurt as well as her own crippling wounds might make her difficult to live with.  As Tori deftly crescendoed her way into the bridge (I had been given numerous lectures on her distinctive bridges), I felt like my heart beat louder as well.  Suddenly embarrassed, I turned away and stepped onto the bar's patio, my long wrap skirt catching a doorknob in my haste.  I pulled it out and turned to look at the wisteria still bright near sundown and the brick water feature with the goldfish.  There was a couple in the corner deep in conversation, voices so hushed I couldn't make out a single word. That was my last drink, I thought, staring at the crescent moon and the smattering of stars I could see in spite of light pollution.  I felt too much; why didn't alcohol make me numb like it did everyone else?

"Hey, did you like it?" I heard her say behind me.  I turned and saw the sheepish grin on her face.

"Oh, it was beautiful!" I exclaimed.  "I was just out here getting some air is all."  

"I was thinking about what you said last week."  She came closer and put her arms around me as she said it.  My head landed near her chest, and I could almost hear something if it weren't for her thick jacket.  I let myself fall into her embrace.  "I think it would be exciting, actually.  I want to do it.  I've never done that with anyone before," she continued.

I racked my brain and tried to remember what she could be talking about, slowly recalling that I'd had 3 cocktails and 2 shots last week.  There were a few portions of my last karaoke night that I didn't recall at all.  "Wait, what are you talking about?"

She looked at me, her eyes crinkled a little.  Gently, she pushed my hair out of my face.  "You're such a silly drunk and you don't remember any of it," she said, shaking her head.  "You surprised the hell out of me by talking about having a stethoscope and wanting to listen to my heartbeat.  And that you wanted me to listen to your heartbeat.  And I was speechless because that seemed like such a weird, random thing to say.  But then I thought about it and I'm really curious now.  None of my girlfriends ever wanted to do something like that.  Not that you're my girlfriend, but a friend who happens to be a girl, anyway.  I'm down."

I breathed in sharply.  How could I have said all of that without realizing what I was divulging?  My heart was really pounding then, and as if she read my mind, she placed her hand on my chest.  "Oh!" she squeaked, surprised.  "Am I embarrassing you?  Please don't feel that way!  I guess I should've thought you might've forgotten, like that time you went on for like 10 minutes about whether Drag Race All Stars is rigged like you were the only person in the room and had zero recollection of it the next day."  Without really thinking, I quickly placed my hand over hers, holding it fast to my chest.  Her hand so near my heart felt just right somehow.  I closed my eyes and only opened them when she pulled away to check her phone.

"Our Uber is on its way.  I told them to go to your apartment.  Is that ok?  Mine is a mess and Savannah has her boyfriend over, anyway.  He always brings that cheap, stinky weed.  Plus, we could watch more Babylon 5.  I want to see if the praying mantis thing is a 'legitimate businessman' ha."

The N'Grath reference made me smile.  "That sounds great," I almost slur, grinning like an idiot.

Mollie, my dachshund, is almost wider than she is long, so it's a struggle for her to make it up to the couch to properly greet Tori when she comes over.  This night was no different.  "She doesn't even eat that much," I said for probably the twentieth time.  "It's like she just has the worst possible metabolism, poor babe."  I stroked under her chin.

The DVD was loaded, and with the confidence that only alcohol could summon in me, I'd stealthily transferred Alex from my bedroom to the coffee table in the living room while Tori was in the bathroom.  When she emerged, she smiled all big and plopped back down on the couch.  My voice boomed in my head when I picked up the stethoscope and said, "This is Alex.  She was named for Alex Russo, you know, when I was younger.  Well, not that much younger.  But still.  Yes, I know it was a kids' show," I say shyly, wondering why I can't shut up.

Tori laughed and picked her up, turning the chestpiece around over and over again to switch from diaphragm to bell, hearing that satisfying click each time.  "She doubles as a fidget toy, I see," she said.  "Oh what's that?" I had to follow her gaze because I was staring at her chest (not her breasts--give me some credit) rising and falling and could barely think of anything else.  She picked up a pill bottle from the coffee table, one that I usually put away when someone is over out of an overabundance of caution. But I hadn't realized we were both coming back here tonight.  "Spiro?" she asked.  "I used to take that, like in my 20s when my acne was a lot worse.  What do you take it for?" she asked innocently.

I looked up at her, struck dumb and wordless.  We both stared in silence for a few seconds too long, and that was when it dawned on me.  Elena, she doesn't know, you moron.  You're about to ask her to do something intimate and she doesn't know.  Does it matter?  Maybe, maybe not.  I sighed.  This was not the way I wanted her to find out.  What if she changed her mind, decided I'm not one of her girl friends after all?  What if she declared this some kind of "trick"?  What if she got mad, felt betrayed, and blabbed all over social media?  What if it got out at work?  This wasn't something to play with, I realized, and it made me feel like I was suffocating suddenly, imagining all the worst case scenarios. They flicked through my brain rapidly, like someone pressing the lever on one of those retro viewfinders at lightning speed, taking in all of the little thumbnails in a blur.  I gasped and then deliberately began to breathe in and out very slowly and evenly.  I grabbed the arm of the couch as if I was falling.

"Oh my god, I am so sorry.  You don't have to answer that.  It's none of my business," she insisted apologetically.  I could tell she was uncomfortable.  I had made her uncomfortable.  But it didn't feel like there was any escaping it now.  The mood had changed dramatically, all thanks to my reaction to her question, and as much as I yearned for her to listen to my heart and had pictured it many times in the last few months, it was pounding because I was terrified.  She put Alex down on the couch, where Mollie reached over to lick her eartips, and took my hand.  "What's wrong?" she whispered.

I looked up at her and it felt like someone else's voice when I choked out, "I'm trans."  Her brow furrowed.  When she didn't respond right away, I added, in a whispered rush, "I grew up a boy.  I mean I'm not one.  I never was.  I thought you knew.  That's what the prescription is for."  I exhaled loudly, then realized I'd been staring at the floor and not facing Tori.  She let my hand go, almost in slow-motion, and she looked at my body as though she was seeing it for the first time.  Oh god, I winced.  Please don't look for masculine things.  

"I'm such an idiot," she finally said, almost inaudibly.  I stared in horror as she said,  "Why didn't I know?!?"  

I felt my mouth go dry.  My voice was hoarse.  "It's not like I wanted everyone to know," I said.  "It's not like I want to lose my job."

"Oh, Elena!" she exclaimed.  "You weren't thinking it would make a difference, were you?"  When I didn't respond, she wrapped her arms tightly around me, and tears flooded my vision.  "You're one of my best friends.  You're my only friend who will go with me to karaoke, for one," she laughed.  "You're the only person besides my mom who listened to me carry on about my undying devotion to Amari, even after the third time she fucking cheated.  Not my finest moment, but that woman had a hold on me."  I inadvertently let out a snort, remembering her beautiful but treacherous ex. 

She kept one arm around me and reached again for Alex.  "She's probably got Mollie slobber on her now," I pointed out.

"Ha, I'm not worried about it," Tori said.  I watched her insert the ear tips, thinking she had a 50/50 chance of putting them in correctly, and she managed it.  There was something transformative about her wearing the binaurals, and it dried my tears to see it.  She was only about ten years my senior, but in that moment I felt like the child I was always meant to be--one who was free to play how I wanted, with whatever toys I wanted, and just be who I was without being called names I didn't even understand.  She was the older, wiser one who could really see me.  I was safe.  She unfastened just the top button of my shirt and I looked at her face as I could feel the coolness of the metal circle on my skin.

A minute passed, then another, and they were brief but filled with knowing that she could hear me so well.  "That's so cool," she said softly.  "It was fast at first and now it's slow and steady.  I kind of feel like...I know you in a new way," she smiled and looked at my face before looking back down at the instrument.  I felt so happy I thought I could cry again.  She moved the chestpiece around--left and right and center, then between my breasts.  "It sounds different in different areas," she observed.  "Like, the first sound is louder in some places and the second is louder in others."

"You're listening near a different valve each time," I whispered, thrilled that she heard those nuances that most ordinary people don't seem attuned to.  She nodded, the look on her face one of wonder.  I breathed along with her for another few minutes while she listened, and it felt like the sort of connection I only dreamed of feeling, knowing that most people don't "get" this.  I felt almost reborn, and completely satiated. 

When it was my turn to listen, I tried to push past my reservations and self-doubt.  "Is it ok if I put this under your shirt?" I asked tentatively, pointing while holding the chestpiece.  

"Girl, yes!" she practically sputtered.  "After all the poking around I just did?  It's only fair," she laughed.

Mollie jumped up to grab and lick my hand as I moved to place the stethoscope on Tori's chest, and we both had to stop what we were doing to laugh.  When I slipped it underneath her blouse, the sound was clear and strong.  She watched my eyes as I breathed in several systoles and diastoles and it made her smile.  First, I listened for the semilunar valves--aortic and pulmonic, then, gaining confidence in what could have been an uncomfortable endeavor, moved downward to listen properly at the atrioventricular valves--tricuspid and mitral.  Tori leaned forward so I could easily access these different auscultation points.  I stayed at each one for awhile, trying to commit this sound to memory in case we never did this again.  When I was finished, she said, "Wow, that was kind of a vulnerable feeling but not in a bad way."

"You sounded so, so beautiful," I told her softly, and was pleased when that display of raw emotions didn't elicit a raised eyebrow.  This wasn't a night I'd forget anytime soon.

Thanks so much for reading! If you're able and would like to, click here to donate to the Trans Lifeline, a hotline that provides life-saving assistance to trans people, staffed by trans people.

[stephaniebrownslover]

★彡[! General Nina The Killer Headcanons!]彡★

Warning: This Is so crappy and I don't like it. So it would be better if you just skip this post.

: ̗̀➛Nina really likes to eat ice cream, she likes it so much that even in a snowy weather in the middle of winter, she can open a crappy romantic comedy movie and eat ice cream.

: ̗̀➛The reason Nina dresses like a scene kid is because this style was a trend when she was a little girl. Even when she saw this style for the first time, she was literally fascinated. When she encountered people dressed in this style, she was truly amazed. She decided that she wanted to dress like this and started at about the age of ten. She became one of the people who proved that this style of clothing is not just an phase.

: ̗̀➛She is very careful about her knife, she cleans it often. She hates having blood on it, and that's her first priority until she cleans it up.

: ̗̀➛Nina, contrary to popular belief, is no longer an obsessive fangirl. She survived this period with the help of her friends and Ann.

: ̗̀➛She regrets her past, but that doesn't mean she hates Jeff to death either. She thinks most of the fault is hers and she doesn't like Jeff. She just doesn't want to be around him. But just because her friends Clockwork or Toby hang out with Jeff, she doesn't say anything to them.

: ̗̀➛She has a ton of lip products with different flavors. She prefers what tastes good rather than what looks good, for no reason.

: ̗̀➛Her musical taste is a little mixed. Unlike her close friends, she doesn't listen to rock or metal much, if she gets suggestions, she listens that song for 1-2 times, but usually forgets afterwards. She listens more hyperpop, electronic pop, dance pop, bubblegum pop, nightcore and a little indie pop/rock. Britney Spears, Katy Perry and Kesha are among the artists she listens to.

: ̗̀➛Although this is a difficult thing for her, she visits her brother Chris's grave every month. He is the person she regrets the most when she killed her family, and she can hardly hold her tears the time she visits his grave. Of course, she doesn't always manage to do this.

: ̗̀➛She also tells Chris what she did when she visits his grave, how her day was going, and a ton more things she would have told him if he were still alive. Although she doesn't get answers, she doesn't care about it, Chris is her little brother, and Nina failed to protect him. That's why there's nothing she can do but stand the consequences.

: ̗̀➛Nina's not a very meticulous person, but she's not a dowdy either. It's between the two of them, but there are some stuff that she's sensitive to. For example, her knife, her room, her clothes.

: ̗̀➛She's aware of popular culture because she spends a lot of time on the phone. She even has a Snapchat account that she uses constantly to send photos to others, she tried to get everyone she loves to download this application.

: ̗̀➛She has a pretty good relationship with Jane, when she has a difficult situation, Jane treats her like a protective mother. She considers Jane a really valuable friend and would never want to lose her. If Jeff vs. Jane happens, she would take Jane's side in this argument.

: ̗̀➛As a child, she was really good at gymnastics, even got medals in small competitions. Thanks to this, she has a very flexible body right now.

: ̗̀➛She thinks Toby and Clockwork are very cute together, so whenever they argue, she tries to make things right between them.

: ̗̀➛She doesn't like Slenderman because of what he did to the others. Especially since she personally saw what a bad time Toby is going through, she hates his methods and keeps her distance.

: ̗̀➛When she was a little kid, she was bullied a lot because of her style. That's why she has no tolerance for things like bullying in any way, and she needs to control herself, even though she doesn't kill anyone anymore unless she has to.

: ̗̀➛She loves animals very much. Cats, dogs, snakes, rabbits and more, doesn't matter. But if she had to choose one, her favorite would be wolves.

: ̗̀➛Since listening to a song is like breathing for her, she constantly carries spare headphones with her. She takes it everywhere she goes because there is no life for her without music.

: ̗̀➛She doesn't like camping very much because there are a lot more annoying bugs than she would like.

: ̗̀➛She has a tattoo on her waist. This is a butterfly tattoo. She made someone do it while she was very drunk, and she definitely can't decide if she regrets it or not. But from what she has heard, the tattoo removal process is very painful, and she's afraid of it.

: ̗̀➛When she lands in the city, she wears a surgical mask on her face. Although the cuts on her face have healed, the scars still remain and she does not want anyone to recognize her with the mistake of the past.

: ̗̀➛She doesn't drink much, but one time she got really drunk and completely forgot about that day.

: ̗̀➛She really likes to celebrate New Year's Eve. She loves that the environment is colorful and that people pretend to care about each other, even if it's just for a day. Oh, and also cookies. Lots of cookies. Cute, decorated cookies.

: ̗̀➛She likes to eat strawberry lollipops and chew strawberry gum. In general, her favorite flavor is strawberry.

: ̗̀➛She doesn't really believe in a religion, she's more at the questioning stage. But she wouldn't deny the evidence if it will ever shown.

: ̗̀➛If she still had a normal life, she would want to become a singer instead of going to university and joining academia. There are even some lyrics that she has written before, but no one can see them.

: ̗̀➛When it snows, she gets excited just like a little child. She's definitely the kind of person who would take snow in and ruin the house for the sake of throwing it at someone.

: ̗̀➛She absolutely sucks at cooking because she changes the recipes according to her head. But she makes some desserts very well. Especially the fruity ones.

: ̗̀➛The clothes she wears in winter also stand out very much because they are very colorful. That's why when they have a snowball fight, she usually gets pretty wet.

: ̗̀➛She can't play much of a musical instrument. She can only play a few guitar songs. However, she has a voice that is considered quite good, despite the fact that she has not received an education. For a non-expert, she can hit high-pitched notes easily.

: ̗̀➛She is neither very successful nor very bad at drawing. She just has a slightly different, even interesting style. There are a lot of characters she created, and she remembers the name of each of them.

: ̗̀➛She can ride a motorcycle, she learned it from Clockwork. Sometimes they go on long motorcycle trips.

: ̗̀➛She learned to skate by falling a lot when she was a little girl, and even though she took a long break, she never forgot. She can do both ice skating and normal skating. Even if she feels confident enough, she can make cool movements in normal skating.

: ̗̀➛She misses her family, she misses them very much. She wants them back, but she knows she can't do it. That's why the only thing she can do is to take the bouquet of black roses she chooses to their graves every month and apologize to them.

: ̗̀➛She has a lot of posters and stickers in her room about everything she loves. Her walls are covered with these and photos she took with friends.

: ̗̀➛Because her phone is old, she has a few photos of herself before all these events. For this exact reason, she refuses to replace her phone and only increases the storage space with an external booster.

: ̗̀➛Nina is not stupid. Just because she's an average student in her classes does not mean she's stupid. People usually see her as very careless, but she's definitely not that kind of person. Her intelligence level is higher than average.

: ̗̀➛She acts like a complete big sister figure to Sally. Although she is more of an older sister who says yes to everything Sally wants because she does not want to offend her. But she is aware of where she should say no.

: ̗̀➛Because she had unlimited internet access when she was little, she was exposed to many traumatizing things, and these began to normalize for her. That's the number one reason why she has such feelings for Jeff.

: ̗̀➛She also likes Heather Musical.

: ̗̀➛She doesn't swear a lot despite her friends.

"Aww, look! A puppy!"

"Nah, I'm too cool for that."

"You're doing amazing sweetie!"

"Ew, what's that smell?"

"Yeah, let's kick their fancy ass!"

"Oh my god, you're such a dumb dumb. How did you even survive without me?"

"I want to join too!"

"I'm famous baby."

"I'm so sorry for everything, Chris. For not being a better sister, for not protecting you, for... stealing your life."

"Hey mom, dad. Did you miss me? Because I missed you guys a lot."

"I'm gonna kill that bastard!"

[kenobster]

When I was 19yo, I was at a comicon type of thing cosplaying a character I loved. Some guy happened to be cosplaying that character's love interest, and he had already been making me uncomfortable. When he asked me for a hug, I wanted to say no, but I felt that saying no would be considered rude. So I agreed. During the hug, he touched me inappropriately. For a threateningly long period time, he would not let me go. This happened more than ten years ago, but I still remember every detail to this day. The memory brings me tremendous shame. It makes me feel powerless.

Just yesterday, I was walking around downtown on my lunch break. Some man with clearly nefarious intentions attempted to hide behind a pillar and jump out at me as I walked by (I wish I was kidding). Luckily, I saw him ahead of time and moved away from the danger zone. When he jumped out where I would've been, I glared at him to convey that I knew what was going on and that I wouldn't make things easy. He backed down.

Sort of similar but less intense story — a couple years ago, a homeless man, who was shouting violent threats at no one in particular, was walking straight toward me. He was clearly no danger, but I felt uncomfortable with what his trajectory would mean for my personal space. I told him firmly and loudly to "stay back!" The man politely changed direction and left me alone.

Both during and after those two experiences, I was neither scared nor ashamed. In fact, I was proud. I felt like I had the power to keep myself safe. In fact, by yesterday evening, I had forgotten all about the event until making this post reminded me — but my feeling of pride hasn't changed.

In the first situation (the one with the hug), what was most traumatizing was my failure to protect myself. It was not my fault that someone assaulted me, but I couldn't help but blame myself for agreeing to the hug in the first place. In other words, it was not only the act of assault itself that violated me — it was also my perception of my own culpability. In the latter two situations, I wielded my autonomy. I felt successful in protecting myself. Rather than retraumatizing me, those experiences actually bolstered me — because of the steps I took to stay safe.

As a white and decently appearing ciswoman, I'm allowed to protect myself. I'm allowed to shout "stay back!" at a homeless man without facing social consequences. If someone tries to grope me, I'm allowed to punch and kick and bite and scream in order to protect myself. No one will question me.

What breaks my heart is that male sexual assault victims are not allowed to protect themselves. If a man shouts "stay back!" at a homeless person invading his space, he will appear overly violent and aggressive. If a man is groped by a woman, he is not allowed to punch or kick or bite or scream. Not without facing social consequences. Society expects men to endure the same situation I endured with the hug. Society expects men to feel the shame that comes with the perception of their own culpability — not because they're unable to protect themselves, but because society has proven that it won't take their side. Even after the fact, if a man admits to the assault, he is often ridiculed. The man who described being assaulted by Katy Perry a few years ago comes to mind.

I can't imagine the terror of assault from that perspective. To have someone come after you and have to decide whether what they seem to be planning is worth telling them to stop, even at the risk of being blamed or demonized for it. To have to decide whether it's worth physically stopping an attacker when there's a chance it'll make you look like the perpetrator. To have to make those really complex decisions at a time when your body is going into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. To have to dread the potential for inevitable comments like "well, what's the problem if she's hot?" It makes me wonder... how many times do they let things go? How many times have they had to let something happen, keep quiet about it, and try to move on as best they can?

Idk what the point I'm trying to make is exactly. I guess — while I'm so relieved to see people reacting appropriately to recent events and calling things what they are, I can’t help but think that no one ever knows how their actions will be perceived during an assault. It's a really brave thing to choose to protect yourself, and even braver to do it when you dont know what the consequences will be. In short, I'm glad we got our response right this time. I hope we get it right next time. And I hope that we can one day live in a world where we get it right every time. That's all, I guess. Let's all try to remember this. ❤️

[miniimapp]

A-Z Fluff (Tae Young Edition)

Gen ;; Fluff - Alphabet Headcanons

Warnings ;; nope

Proofread + Edited ;; lmao

Auth. Note ;; WELCOME TO DAY 23 OF THE 4*TOWN CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN !! Our third post of the night !!

This is one of many posts tonight, so please go check out the advent calendar pinned to my page for each day's post :DD

Enjoy !! <3

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈«

A = Activities (What kind of things do you do?)

Tae likes to watch documentaries with you,, not just ones on animals (though David Attenborough is Tae's hero) but on anything

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

He doesn't want many kids, 2 maximum, but he'd love to foster kids and maybe adopt one someday

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

Little spoon <3

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

Animal sanctuaries and rehabilitation centres can be one if the locations he'll take you but a classic Tae Young date is a picnic in the park

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world)

You are his peace

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

When he saw how gentle and patient you are with his doves, it was his first time letting anyone, let alone you, near his doves so seeing you handle then with such care really affected his heart lmao

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

The most gentle probably,, he spends a lot of his time tending to injured animals, especially Doves, so he has a gentle touch by default at this point

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

He likes to hold your hand and fiddle with it,, whether that be swinging both of your hands between you as you walk or simply playing with you fingers

I = Injury (How would they react if you got hurt?)

P calm,, again he handles injured animals everyday, he'll take care of you np

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Nah,, he might get a bit huffy, like T, about lack of attention but Tae trusts you too much to be jealous

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

V softly,, it's incredibly sweet.

You initiated the first kiss, you wanted to so you asked, he said yes and you kissed him lma

L = Love (Who says I love you first?)

Him,, one day while looking after his Foster doves together

M = Memory (What's their favourite memory together?)

Watching the first blue planet documentary with you,, you just let him ramble on about and actually listened, it was v nice :))

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Tae brings you flowers all the time but they're not exactly bought flowers,, if you ask for something he'll buy it for you but otherwise he doesn't think of buying gifts all that often

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

White like his doves,, pure, innocent and loving

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Tae doesn't really use pet names, no reason really either

Q= Questions (What are the questions they’re always asking?)

"Did you know *insert random animal fact*?"

"How are you today?"

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

DOCUMENTARY MARATHON !! DAVID ATTENBOROUGH,, HERE HE COMES !!

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

For someone else,, Tae probably show them funny animal videos on youtube and ramble fun facts about whatever animal is on screen until the other person felt better

For himself,, he'd watch funny animal videos with you and tell you fun facts about each one as it pops up on screen

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Animals, environmental efforts, band stuff, gossip

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH DOCUMENTARIES,, HERE TAE COMES !!

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

After a year or more of dating,, Tae would take you on a picnic and propose at the end with the ring being tied around the foot of a Dove that he sends to you with a message asking you to marry him,, then que the speech lmao

X = Xylophone (What's their song?)

Roar - Katy Perry

Y = Yearning (How well do they cope when they’re separated from their S/O?)

He's okay,, Tae's a little bit clingy so he misses you a fair bit.. expect plenty of video and voice calls while you're apart.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

A budgie because why not lmao

[violetsareblue-selfships]

🏖, 🎃, 🎶 and 💌 for scara and/or ei-miko?

ty! mika - i'll do both :3 putting this under a readmore bc it will be a longer post

scaramouche:

��� - What would a beach date with your f/o look like?

i would be super excited bc snezhnaya does not offer much in the way of beaches and he's agreeing simply because it's making me happy. he'd stay out of the water for the most part, watching me splash around and make a fool of myself (his words not mine). however, he doesn't protest (much) if i pick him up and carry him out into the water and he will start a splash fight once he's there. another thing he enjoys about a beach trip is getting to put sunscreen on me (he insists on doing it himself, claiming i'd do it incorrectly but i know he simply wants the excuse to touch me) sadly, he doesn't have to worry about getting sunburnt (puppet abilities ig) so i don't get to return the favor

🎃 - What Halloween costumes would you and your f/o wear? Do you match?

let it be known that he is not picking the costume. he'd think it's stupid and wouldn't want to (again, he agrees because he wants me happy - though i bet he'd secretly enjoy it with certain outfits) i feel like vampires suit us pretty well! i think he'd enjoy the matching aspect (but not outwardly, you know?)

🎶 - What song/lyrics remind you of your f/o?

I'll pick some softer options for this: Valentine by Laufey & The Only Exception by Paramore

How the hell did I fall in love this time? And honestly, I can't believe I get to call you mine I blinked and suddenly, I had a Valentine

(Also the line about it being weird to experience affection)

And up until now I had sworn to myself That I'm content with loneliness Because none of it was ever worth the risk

But you are the only exception

💌 - What would a love letter from your f/o look like?

like how he usually talks, very tsundere in nature. he puts a little more effort into being flowery with his language when he learns i like romantic letters like that but it's hard for him. but somehow he accidentally comes up with the sweetest things to say without meaning it. he'd also go all out with a wax seal and stuff, but then claim that it's 'no big deal' if i comment on it.

eimiko:

🏖 - What would a beach date with your f/o look like?

it would be a pretty standard date for the three of us! given narukami island has its fair share of beaches (plus the other islands of inazuma), we go pretty frequently. ei spends more of her time reading on the sandy part of the beach (likely under the shade of an umbrella) while miko alternates between playing in the water with me and soaking up the sun.

🎃 - What Halloween costumes would you and your f/o wear? Do you match?

ei tries to stay classy with her costume while miko doesn't mind if they're more revealing... whereas I'm not all that picky. so miko usually helps us find costumes and yes! we like matching. so like a trio of angels or witches - that way we all can dress to our comfort but still match~

🎶 - What song/lyrics remind you of your f/o?

for ei - dark horse by katy perry

Make me your Aphrodite Make me your one and only But don't make me your enemy (enemy) Your enemy (your enemy), your enemy

for miko: w.i.t.c.h by devon cole

Rumor on the street is that her apples are delicious The jury said she's charming, but her exes say she's wicked I swear to God, I saw her howling at the sky She ain't out to get you, but she's better on your side

💌 - What would a love letter from your f/o look like?

ei: pretty calligraphy, wax seal, the whole thing. as for the contents, she's very sweet and her letters reflect that. she finds that it's easier to express her feelings through the written word so she'll say a lot of things that she finds it too hard or too flustering to say in person.

miko: just as teasing and flirty as she is in person. it's as if she wants me to be red by the time I'm finished reading it. though, her letters have their softer moments like if I'm away for an extended period of time and she starts to miss me. she also would be the type to sign the letter with a lipstick mark or to mist perfume over it

[tobbesdiscordkitten]

1,4,8,16,21 girl lemme know about your answers!!! ❤️❤️❤️

AAHHH! Thank you so much for the ask, love 🥰 Hopefully my answers aren’t too messy, however, I probably did overthink each one lol.

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

If someone wanted to understand my pessimistic soul they would need to read Fyodor Dostoevsky, Stephen King, and lots of historical fiction/nonfiction works. On top of this, they would need to read DC comic books such as Batman and the Joker AND read magazines about celebrities/films.

As far as movies go I’ll list some of my all-time favorites: The Shining, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, Ghost Rider, Moulin Rouge, Mean Streets, The Godfather: Part 2, JFK, Last Night in SoHo, and The Great Dictator. Sometimes the sequels are better (based on this list) 😅 But when I was younger I used to watch a lot of horror movies (Chucky, Friday The 13th, A Nightmare On Elm Street, Halloween, Scream, Paranormal Activity, Saw, etc.) then I got out of that phase and started watching a lot of Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger action films like Rambo and Commando, until I started watching more contemporary cinema a few years ago. My film tastes have been all over the place…

My music taste is even worse lmao. People would definitely need to listen to Lana Del Rey, specifically her Dark Paradise song. Other artists/bands would include Tears for Fears, Queen, Mötley Crüe, Subvision, Oasis, Billie Eilish, and Ghost. Below I’ll list a few other songs that resonate with me deeply on a personal level:

• Daddy Issues - The Neighbourhood

• Congratulations - Post Malone

• Talking Body - Tove Lo

• In This Darkness - Clara La San

• Hey Now! - Oasis

• American Trash - Innerpartysystem

• Mad World - Gary Jules

• She’s Electric - Oasis

• Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

All in all I’m mostly a pop/punk-rock kid who grew up listening to a wide range of genres. I had artists like Rihanna, Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Adele, Lady Gaga, and Nicki Minaj play on the car radio everyday before going to school. Then my older sister would share her music with me and my brother, and she listened to bands like The All-American Rejects, Green Day, Three Days Grace, Panic! at the Disco, and Evanscence. My father even played his ‘80s music around the house which included Journey, Van Halen, Simple Minds, and Guns N’ Roses. As long as the songs are catchy I like a variety of different music. And I only have my family to thank for broadening my musical palette 🖤

4. Do you like your name? Is there another name you think would fit you better?

My real name? Not really. It’s too simple. I do like how it’s spelled differently tho, granted people often mispronounce it. As for my Tumblr name (Cine)? I like it better than my actual name. Idk…if I had to change my real name I would switch it to Dimitri or something.

8. What musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

Since I’m an old soul I connect a lot with Lana Del Rey. I LOVE how her aesthetic is vintage Hollywood glamour mixed in with 1950s-1970s Americana. I favor those time periods more than the one I’m currently living in. Her music speaks to me and I’m grateful to have found her in my life.

16. If you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

I don’t think any of us would tbh. The environment we grew up in shapes us and if that changes then we change, either for the better or for the worse, depending on how good or bad the situation is. The environment I grew up in was not perfect, but was it downright horrible? No. However, I was sheltered and it did cause me to form attachment issues and daddy issues well into my adulthood.

21. Do you love easily?

Yes 😆 Sometimes I love people a little too much lol. What’s funny is, if I look at someone, my gut instincts immediately tell me if they are a good or bad person, based on the feelings they provoke at first glance. If I feel weary of someone then I won’t have a good impression of them, but if it’s the complete opposite, then I’ll trust that person with my whole heart. It’s weird.

Phew…thanks again for the ask! 🫶🏻

✨Identity Crisis Ask Game✨

[poptod]

Cyber Security (Elliot Alderson)

Description: An online ad leads him to you, though in reality he has little interest in your ad. What interests him is how you accidentally doxxed yourself and how oblivious you are to that fact.

Notes: idrk what to say about this one its one of those things that i wrote at midnight after almost falling asleep to a fantasy and then realizing it could work as a fic. like i did this same thing with ‘close your eyes’ that one was also a before-bed-to-get-to-sleep fantasy. this is also not a particularly romantic interaction, though it can be read as such WC: 2.2k

+

Sweat drenched his sheets, bathing him in the cold wind that breezed past his only air conditioner lodged in a nearby window. He stared blankly upwards, half shivering and half overheated, as he once again found himself in a familiar predicament—the practice of sleep.

It was no secret he had trouble calming himself down, and that aspect of himself reached into the evening, as well. He already downed three melatonin pills hours earlier, along with smoking a joint that should’ve put him to bed. Unsurprisingly, that did not work.

“Xanax,” he mumbled to himself, hearing it bounce back from empty walls. “Need to get xanax.”

In the meantime he raised himself to his feet, padding across freezing floors to his computer. With a click of a button the white screen buzzed to life, shining bright onto his sleep-heavy eyes, that did their best to acclimatize to the sudden change.

Hypnotization—strange as it might’ve been—had worked a couple times before. Not all the time, but decently enough to give it a try. He had work in the morning and he didn’t need to be more miserable than usual, especially since he hadn’t slept almost the entire weekend.

sleep hypnosis

The blinker flickered for a moment before his fourth finger slammed down on enter, the last step in calculated movements. What popped up first was a video titled [ SLEEP HYPNOSIS ] 8 Hour Loop with a screencap of a spinning black and white screen. Below that, however, was something he hadn’t seen before—a YouTube video titled exactly what he’d typed, lacking the caps just as he had. The title screen appeared to be some sort of poorly-drawn painting.

Curiosity overcame his hazy, aching head, and he clicked, finding a playlist of videos containing what could be the titles of songs, along with several different poorly-drawn title screens.

The first video began to play before he could realize it. What he first noticed was it was bereft of ads—that meant the publisher made no money off the album.

Sat in the presence of God

whose name means filthy old fraud

Captions had been manually added by, he assumed, you. The author. There were three views on the video, no comments, and no likes, leaving few other options.

Maybe it was the melody—maybe the lyrics, who talked of a world plagued by aristocrats. But he found his eyelids heavy, dropping dark eyelashes in his vision that blurred the screen. By the third song, reciting verses of an Islamic poem, he was slouched in his seat.

He slid down to the floor, crawling his way back to flop onto his bed. The music continued to play till the first ad popped up, at which time he opened his eyes, seeing a music video from Katy Perry, at which time he promptly reached over and unplugged his computer. He wasn’t sure which cord he pulled out, but the screen still went black. With that, he just barely sneaked into his covers, dozing until the morning.

It was far too easy to get information on you. Your full name was stated clearly in your youtube bio, alongside several different social media tags leading to instagram, tumblr, and facebook.

Facebook alone provided him the means to your address, and he didn’t even have to go looking for it. Your most recent post was an ad, searching for someone good with computers to aid you in your recording process, which you noted as ‘dismal’.

Are you fucking kidding me? He thought to himself, reading the ad once more.

Your address, your real, physical address was stated as the place you wanted to meet those interested in helping you. On the internet. You had doxxed yourself after less than a year of being online.

Okay, he thought, clicking on your listed email. Someone needs to be taught a lesson.

Three days later—after about two weeks of listening to your echoing voice every night—you replied, sending a cheerful email detailing when you would be available to meet him. After shooting a short message back, the date was organized.

Two more days and he was standing at your doorstep, his neck craned upwards as he scanned your tall, narrow home squished between two other apartments. He just barely knocked before the black door swung open, revealing a familiar face belonging to a stranger. Elliot was dressed in his black hoodie and jeans, a stark difference to your long, colorful robes, coming out of a sort of fantasy world.

“Hi,” he said, his voice grating with how low and quiet he kept it.

“Hello,” you said with a smile that did not match his hunched posture. “Are you Mr. Alderson?”

“Elliot,” he corrected, his chin just barely raising to meet you. “Elliot Alderson. Elliot works.”

“Alright,” you said, nodding. “Come inside? I was just making tea. Do you like tea? Or do you prefer coffee?”

“I... I’m fine, thanks,” he said softly, scooting past you when you opened the door wide enough for him to enter. He sucked in a breath as his chest brushed yours.

Your home was modern—far fancier than Elliot’s own apartment, with large windows flanked by soft grey curtains. A small, upright piano was in the corner of the living room, set upon a reed mat lined with Korean symbols. The couch was clinical, made of a sort of black plastic leather that matched the grey skies beyond the window panes.

He sat down, shifting his feet closer together as his fingers dug into his palms, continuing to scan the room in its’ entirety until you returned with your own tea.

“What kind of experience do you have? School counts,” you said, setting your cup down on a tiny plate whose decorations matched your teacup.

“I’ve been... experimenting, with computers, since I was around 9,” he said, mumbling the words out as his shoulders hunched awkwardly down. “Have a job at a cyber security firm. Started a while back.”

“You still have that job?”

“Yeah,” he said with a small nod. “Jus’ thought this would be... fun.”

The dead look on his face indicated no humor whatsoever, but you took his word as it was.

“How’d you find the ad I put out?”

“I... I listened to your music,” he answered honestly for once. “Helps me fall asleep.”

“Oh,” you said, clearly taken aback. Your face grew warm as you glanced away with wide eyes. “I’m glad I could help.”

“You’re not very good with technology, though,” he said in his usual low, grating voice.

“Not really,” you chuckled sheepishly. “That’s why I put out the ad -“

“No, not that,” he interrupted you. “You put your physical address on the internet. You doxxed yourself. Do you even know how dangerous that is?”

The lyrics of your songs pointed towards a kind of brilliance, balanced against emotions felt thoroughly on pages and screens. It didn’t match your actions at all.

“What’s doxxing?” You asked.

Elliot had to physically stop himself from sighing and leaving.

“You want everyone to know where you, a minor celebrity, live?”

“I’d hardly call myself a -“

“I could’ve been a murderer,” he said, reaching into his bag.

He looked you in the eye as he pulled out a gun, clicking on the safety before he pointed it at you.

“This is how easy it would be to kill you.”

As expected, you stiffened at the sight of the iron barrel, your fingers withdrawing to your chest. Your lips pursed as you met his gaze once more.

“Please put the gun down,” you whispered, your voice cracking.

He did as you said, resting the gun on the table.

“That’s a hell of a way to start an interview, Mr. Alderson,” you said quietly. “Please get out of my house.”

His heart sank. What had he expected? For you to fall to your knees and sing to him as he desired you to do? He threatened you with a gun to teach you a lesson, and you reacted accordingly. Calmer than others would.

Elliot stood on shaky legs, sliding the pistol into his backpack before he zipped it up. Throwing the pack over his shoulder, he swallowed through a tight throat, shuffling as he delayed his departure.

“Keep safe from people like me,” he said in a strained mumble. “Take that ad down. Meet people from the internet only in inhabited, public areas.”

You tapped your fingernails on the table for a moment, chewing on your bottom lip. Suddenly you stood, tugging on his sweatshirt sleeve to get him to face you, instead of staring at his feet.

“Alright. If you’re really so good at the internet -“

He ignored your incorrect grammar.

“- and... if you actually do want to help me with my songs,” your tone softened, “then you’ll be able to find my real name, not my stage name. If you do.. I’ll hire you.”

“Alright,” he said monotone, knowing the battle was already won.

Even though he knew your name already, he turned away and left to his apartment, immediately going to work on figuring out everything he could about you. If you willingly still offered him the job after that, he knew it would take a lot to scare you off. He could impress you.

It was, after all, the only thing he was good at.

Two days later he showed up at your apartment again, quietly thanking you when you let him in. The clean floors and walls remained unchanged since his last visit, and you led him to the same table, sitting him down on the same seat.

“Your name is (Y/N) (L/N),” he started with. You already appeared to be surprise. “You grew up near LA and you’ve had a chronic illness all your life. At eleven you saw your first therapist.. that must’ve been when you first got diagnosed with depression... and anxiety.”

“Killer duo,” you muttered.

“Your parents split when you were thirteen, which came at the same time as your dog, Penelope, died. Or... sometime that year. When was that... 1997?”

“1999,” you said quietly.

“Your mom homeschooled you,” he continued. “That’s probably why you don’t know how computers work. Rather eclectic, in a.. boring way... an ex-Amish, right?”

You nodded and his heartbeat tripled. Everything was right thus far despite a two year difference in his guesstimate of your life’s timeline.

“Then there was your dad... logger in the Redwood forests. Burly guy. Not a great man, from what I saw,” he said.

“He was fine,” you said with a small shrug as you looked away. “Didn’t ever hurt me, or anything.”

“Abuse isn’t always physical,” he said faster than he could think, dizzied by his own memories playing behind his eyes.

“I know,” you murmured.

You went silent, so he continued, hoping to pry more precious words from you.

“Your favorite color is yellow,” he said, leaning closer to you. “On Valentine’s you get chocolate strawberries, and on easter you get kinder eggs.”

Nothing.

“You studied mythology as a kid, and you made paintings of the forest you lived in with your mom. Santa Cruz mountains, I think.”

“Yeah,” you said. “I miss the forests.”

“I know. You want to visit Ireland again because it’s a land of faeries and moss, it’s a breeding ground for your song lyrics.”

“How did you find all this out?” You finally asked.

“You use the same password on everything,” he said, though that was far from the actual answer. “Your web browser tracks all your movements and you don’t try to stop it, or hide ads, or stay away from sketchy websites. Your parents aren’t much better, either.”

You chuckled, shaking your head as you brought your hand to massage your brow.

“You’re way too smart to be helping me,” you said with soft laughter, blushing with your smile.

“It’s better than working for E Corp,” he said, huffing out a laugh that was hardly humored.

“E corp?”

“My.. uh, place of work,” he brushed off his slip. “My point is... I’d rather work with you and do easy work than work with my current fucking coworkers.”

You laughed, truly and fully this time, curling into a little ball that shook with the force of it. Your feet tucked into your tiny chair, making you even smaller.

“Bad people or just annoying?”

“Stupid,” he chuckled. “Don’t let me wear my sweatshirt.”

“Ooh, now it’s my turn,” you suddenly interrupted him, earning a strange look. “I’ve noticed things about you, too. I couldn’t learn anything off the computer, but you, you have anxiety too. Probably some childhood trauma.. maybe a dissociative disorder of sorts or a form of PTSD. Your jacket is like your home, and... you have sensory issues. Few types of fabric, don’t like to be touched, if I had to guess I’d say you might be autistic.”

“Blunt,” he said after a full minute’s silence.

“Do you mind?” You asked.

“No, not really.”

“Good. Then you’re hired,” you said with a smile, extending your hand for him to shake. “If you still want the job, of course.”

He watched you with evident apprehension, but took your hand after much thought, shaking with a firm grip.

“When do I start?”

[doccywhomst]

I posted 10,954 times in 2021

1040 posts created (9%)

9914 posts reblogged (91%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 9.5 posts.

I added 3,953 tags in 2021

#doctor who - 1582 posts

#classic who - 738 posts

#eighth doctor - 537 posts

#thirteenth doctor - 222 posts

#fifth doctor - 212 posts

#edas - 149 posts

#fourth doctor - 145 posts

#whovian - 134 posts

#twelfth doctor - 122 posts

#tenth doctor - 112 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#there are people who know me and paintings ive made and memories ive created in the minds of others and one day ill be a small patch of dirt

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

real talk, which doctor would you smoke a blunt with? what would even happen if a time lord smoked weed

i remember something from "Alien Bodies" (EDA) about how timelords can't really get drunk (and therefore probably can't get high), but fuck that. let's play in the space for a bit. *drugs, smoking, alcohol cw*

first doctor: he pretends to discourage drugs and alcohol around humans but then goes to other planets and is like "this is the snorgal ham plant and it does unthinkable things to your mind and body" before swallowing it whole

second doctor: he's a chatty drunk and a quiet smoker, he's so chill that you think he might be dead until he randomly says something like "jamie? how many hats do you think i can wear at once???" in a distressed voice

third doctor: he's done literally every single drug you can imagine for scientific purposes. this man has been crossfaded upside down and sideways. jon pertwee was out here lookin like this in the 70's and he had a villa in Ibiza. bitch smokes weed.

fourth doctor: he doesn't even need drugs, my mans is already sky high from the adrenaline rush of one eternal manic episode. he's never been sober in his life. 

fifth doctor: look, i love him, but he'd be a total dad about it. he'd say some dad catchphrase like "no, no, you know me - i stay on my toes, i stay sharp" and then swing a cricket bat and break a priceless vase

sixth doctor: you pass him the blunt and he laughs. "what, that's all? no triglyceride tetrachrolonitrine 5? no Lady's Nightgown? no double helix paper?" he pulls this monstrosity out of his pocket.

seventh doctor: he's so fucking neurotic that you can't even get him to sit down. he tries but then he sees something shiny and goes to investigate. it was a cyberman. he commits some war crimes.

eighth doctor: legally not allowed to have any kind of stimulant or depressant, per Liv's orders. keep him away from the coffee and sweets. he hasn't slept in four months, thirteen days, nine hours, forty-five minutes, seven… eight… nine seconds. yes, he's counting.

shalka doctor: smokes HELLA kush, on god, but you already knew that.

war doctor AND ninth doctor: continues to smoke lethal amounts of weed and drink fruity cocktails to cope with specters of the past. jesus christ, that's his fifth strawberry daiquiri in twelve minutes. someone hide the white rum.

tenth doctor: he has girls' nights with donna where they hotbox venusian saunas and listen to katy perry. don't let the existential dread set in. don't let it set in. let's do some karaoke.

eleventh doctor: 

twelfth doctor: you know, i've seen all of his episodes many times, and for the entire duration of his run, i never saw him stop vaping weed. must be the respiratory bypass. he's always spewing thick clouds and flipping everyone off with both hands. it's an interesting cinematic choice.

thirteenth doctor: her tardis literally looks like the inside of a disco ball and you think she's sober??? well, you'd be right, because she doesn't know how to find a dealer and she's too scared to ask. someone help her. 

please please tell me which one you'd pick, i genuinely want to know. i think that every single Doctor is a disaster and smoking with any of them would result in my immediate demise, but if i had to choose, it would probably be twelve. let's go out blazing.

2133 notes • Posted 2021-06-25 04:47:42 GMT

#4

i love that the doctor started out older and got younger because it enables me to look at these dudes

and say "oh!! babies!"

and then i can look at these folks

and say "those are my unfathomably and terrifyingly ancient, eldritch grandparents" and i'm right both times

2255 notes • Posted 2021-07-14 01:48:35 GMT

#3

Doctor Who: A Summary

3996 notes • Posted 2021-06-04 18:43:38 GMT

#2

can i just say: there's something lovely about the idea of a tardis key.

for most of the show, it was necessary to have one. the tardis needed to be locked like an ordinary police box, and if locked, it was incredibly difficult to get into.

(unless you steal the whole-ass lock, which the sensorites totally did. we like to pretend that it can't happen again.)

anyway: this meant that companions needed to receive keys to the tardis in case of emergencies. thus, the key-giving ceremony began to crop up, and it's very, very soft.

part of the significance of this is that it represents vulnerability. the tardis is an extremely powerful bit of kit and it's the doctor's only home. she's their wife, even, in a roundabout way. plus, the tardis can technically be summoned with the key alone, so you can imagine how important this thing is. in the wrong hands, it can do a lot of damage on many levels.

and here's the real kicker: technically, the key isn't completely necessary anymore, and i really like this. it gives the tardis a new sense of agency. rather than being a pure machine - something to lock and unlock, something without a voice - she opens up to people when she chooses to. the key remains a rite of passage for companions, and it's still an important symbol of vulnerability, but now the tardis gets to make the choice as well.

i have so many feelings about this. i just love my small alien and their enormous sentient dimension wife.

4745 notes • Posted 2021-07-25 17:05:25 GMT

#1

one of my favorite doctor who moments without context:

4853 notes • Posted 2021-11-14 21:55:41 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[oikawasbliss]

long time no see.

seeing your most loved ex after years.

⇢ timeskip ex!M. Osamu

⇢ M. Osamu || O. Tooru || S. Koushi || B. Koutarou

⇢ playing: small talk – katy perry

⇢ word count: 0.2k

⇢ author's note at the very end hehe

you thought you're in a different branch of onigiri miya. you're not bothered if osamu's there, you're just hungry, your tummy growling begging for someone to stuff food in it.

you repeated the word fuck in your head while waiting in a line full of people wanting onigiris. you wanted to leave, you were about to. until you saw a figure at the end of the line. it's him, the person who had a more mellow personality than you, also the guy you used to give your smooches to.

” wow. ” you whispered to yourself. the feeling of wanting to leave faded and you suddenly have the patience to wait. you felt like you want to interact with him again after long, thoughtful and unforgettable years.

you want to see his reaction seeing you again, you're feeling ecstatic to see it.

it didn't take long for you to finally lead the line. facing the man himself. ” hello.. miya osamu. ”

it didn't take long for you to finally lead the line. facing the man himself. ” hello.. miya osamu. ”

” oh, do i know you? ”

” ..if you think hard and deep then yeah, you do know me. ” you replied jokingly, ” you know.. y/n..? ” you added.

his eyes widen, showing suprise as he heard you mention the name. ” y/n..? you? ” furrowing his brows, making sure.

” yeah. ” you had a genuine smile on your face, having the other to form the same smile. ” anyway can i get... ” you proceeded to order, the expression still stuck on your face.

” noted. also, long time no see. ” he looks at you thoughtfully. ” also uhm.. want to talk later? I have a lot of things to share with you. ”

” oh wow friends already? ” you replied whilst giggling, ” sure. though i also have some things to share. ”

a/n: AHHH this is just a quick drabble i did to get rid of my writers block(again) i was gonna add oikawa, sugawara and bokuto here too but i'll just do them in individual posts hehe

© howluvish 2020. please do not modify, edit, copy or reproduce any of the works published.

[yangrdn]

Cherry Chap Stick

pairing: Mj x Fem!Reader

a/n: it literally took me MONTHS to finish this bc of lack of motivation and time. But oh my god ... it’s finally done!! Bad news: there’s gonna be a part 2 to this, because else I wouldn’t post it now. It’s my longest fic so far, but ig i’ll write more in future or also part it in 2 parts. enjoy!!

part 2

Summary: You ask your crush, or uses to be crush, for help

words: 2.3k

Warnings: none

my masterlist

→ → → → → → → →

Your heart drops at the sight of the two of them laughing at something he whispered into her ear. Peter and Mj have been spending a lot of time together lately and you don't know how to feel about it. You'd be happy, of course, but then again, you wish you could sit there. No, not with Peter, but with Mj. 

You look back down to your open spanish book and try to concentrate on the task, blocking out the giggles leaving her mouth after he told another, what seems to be, joke. Your mind is racing 100 miles a second trying to find out the answer to the question in your book and trying to listen to the two of your friends at the same time, until, finally, your teacher tells you to pack your things and gives you the homework for the next week. You quickly pack your things and storm out, trying not to walk with Peter and Mj, but you fail. 

"Hey!" You turn around to be met with Peter waving at you and smiling. You smile back and greet him with a quiet 'hello' before letting your head sink again. 

"What's wrong? You seem so...off?" he seemed to notice. Usually you're the one talking non stop and telling him about your week and other exciting things, so of course your sudden silence worries him.

"I just...I don't know. I'm just thinking." You sigh and turn your head to him to let him know you are ok. 

Your mind was racing 100 miles a second. Two days ago you thought you had a crush on your best friend, Peter, turns out you were wrong. So. Very. Wrong. You were sitting in front of your phone when you realized. Katy perry's voice repeating the words over and over again as you scrolled through the endless amount of videos with the same sound on TikTok. In every single video, the girl was kissing another girl and you just couldn't stop thinking about it. What if the girl could've been you and...her? First you thought it was Peter, but then you noticed the different feeling you got thinking about her and let your phone drop. This was all so new for you. 

"About what?" he asks, "you know, you can tell me anything. We're best friends, right?" he says now, much more concerned. You sigh and continue walking after you nod. 

You have only liked boys, and now a girl? At first you tried to excuse it as platonic love. I mean, friends are very close to each other, right? Like, hugging and kissing each other's cheeks? Or cuddling and wanting the other to care about you. But the way you thought about her crossed the line between friends and lovers already. 

You are sitting next to Peter at lunch, whilst Ned is talking about some new lego set he got a week ago. He seems excited so you try your best to seem interested and look like you're listening. But a certain someone keeps distracting you.

"Are you even listening?" Mj snaps her fingers in front of your face twice and laughs. 

"Huh? Uh, yes. I was just thinking...about," you look around the room, "someone." Ned's eyes widen as he sends Peter a look. 

"About someone? Uhm, who?" Peter sits up straighter and purses his lips, trying not to seem interested. You bite the inner side of your cheek and look at Mj, but her head is buried back into her book. 

You sigh. "It's no one, I gotta go." You take your backpack and leave the room, not daring to look behind you. 

After school you don't hesitate before packing your things and going out, leaving your friends confused behind you, calling your name. 

First thing you do is run into your room and close the door, after throwing our backpack on the floor. You let yourself fall face-first on your bed and lay there for some minutes on your stomach, thinking about today, and Mj. 

"Whyyyyy" you whine and turn around laying on your bed. You didn't even have someone to talk about it. You can't tell Mj, because she would ask how you found out and about who you thought. Ned? No, he would go and tell someone else, even on accident.               

Your parents? You don't know how Steve would react. Sure, he is very accepting and you don't think he would bash or embarrass you, but things were way different back then. Bucky? No, he would tell Steve. That leaves you no other chance but to go to your other best friend, Peter. Even if it means risking and telling him you had a crush on him, or at least thought you liked him in that way. 

You quickly jump out of your bed and grab your phone, which lays on the floor after you failed to throw it on your bed. 

The phone rings twice before you hear Peter's voice from the speaker.

"Hello?" 

"Peter, do you have a minute?" you ask, fumbling with your fingers and biting your bottom lip. Your voice probably shaes, because he immediately notices. 

"Uh, yeah. Did something happen? Should I come over?" You smile at him worrying and shake your head, forgetting that he can't see you. 

"Yes and yes. Maybe you can come over now? It's nothing bad, promise. I just...need to talk, y'know?" 

"Yeah, yeah. K, I'll be there in 10," he says and hangs up. 

You quickly lay your phone on your desk and run to the bathroom, washing your face and breathing in and out. How are you going to tell him? "oh yeah, hey Pete. So uhhh...I thought I had a crush on you because I was sad when I saw you and Mj together but turns out that I actually had a crush on Mj and was mad that she was with you." ? No, absolutely not. 

Your heart starts to beat faster after you hear a silent knock on your door. 

"Uh..come in!" You say and leave the bathroom to sit on the bed in the middle of your room. Your heartbeat is so loud and strong, that you're sure Peter can hear it the minute he enters your room. 

"Hey! Is everything alright? You sounded so...worried on the phone," he asks and sits next to you. 

"Uh..yes? I actually wanted to ask you something and don't know how to start..." You look down at your feet on the floor, knitting your hands and biting your lip again. How are you supposed to tell him you've fallen for a girl? Your best friend?

"What's it about? You know you can trust me, right? You're my best friend, I'll always listen to you." You smile at his tenderness and feel another warm feeling spread through you, which makes you stop for a second. But it's not the same warmth you get when talking with Mj or just looking at her. You sigh. 

"It's kind of complicated. I...like someone and 

don't know how to feel about it?" You look up and into his brown eyes. You catch him staring at your lips and quickly look away again, suddenly feeling uncomfortable in his presence. 

"Uhm...that's great?" he says, which comes out more like a question than a statement. 

"Who's it?" he digs in deeper.

 "Oh, is it Brad? Or Flash? Well, I don't think you're in love with Flash, because he-" 

"That's the problem," you calmly say whilst looking anywhere but at him. 

"Problem? So...it is Flash? Or someone else you can't ge-" 

"Peter, it's not even a boy!" you sigh and throw yourself back, now laying on your back and hiding your face in your hands. You feel a blush creep up your face and spread at the back of your neck. 

“Uh...what?” he asks, in hopes he heard you wrong. “You’re in love with a...girl?” he asks again. You feel tears prick your eyes at the way he says girl, as if he is filled with disgust. You nod once and risk moving your hands away from your eyes, opening your eyes and meeting his gaze. The moment he notices the tears in your eyes, his eyes soften too and he sighs. 

“I didn’t mean to sound so...rude. I just- it 's, ugh.” He sighs again and looks up. 

“I didn’t expect that, like, at all. Who 's it?” 

You sit up and take a look at him before speaking up. 

“Will you promise me not to judge?” you ask.

“I’d never, promise,” he says and shakes his head. 

“Uhm, it’s one of our friends. Her name’s,” you exhale, “Mj.” You immediately look away when her name leaves your mouth and squint your eyes, scared of Peter’s reaction. 

“I- Mj?” he asks, trying to make sure that he heard you right. You turn your head to him and nod, biting the inner side of your cheek, a habit you get every time you are nervous in a situation. He quickly lowers his head low, scared you would notice the tears filling his eyes at the mention of his and your best friend. 

These past days, he did notice your gaze resting on him and it gave him hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, you felt the same towards him. But every time he would meet your longing stares and dreamy expression, Mj was next to him. So you didn’t look at him, you were looking at Mj this whole time. And Mj was only hanging out with Peter so often last week, because he asked her if she could help him, help him to ask you out. All the struggle to think about what you are interested in for nothing. 

“Yes? You’re- you’re not mad right? I mean, you like her a-” you get cut off by him.

“I’m not mad. And uhm...how did you find out?” he asks now, directly looking into your eyes. Your cheeks redden and you exhale before explaining. 

“Uhm, y’know how Mj and you have been hanging out a lot together, lately?” He nods. “Well, I thought you were the one I had a crush on because I got mad so fast...turns out it was her the whole time.” You feel him shift next to you and sit up straight, inhaling. 

“Uh-” His voice cracks and he coughs. “You..you don’t like me? As in, more than a friend?” You shake your head and sigh again. 

“No. Like I said; it was Mj this whole time, but I thought it was you because…, you trail off and look up at the ceiling as another rush of embarrassment runs through you. 

“Because?” 

“I did like you for a long time in 7th grade, but then when we met Mj and she started to hang out with us, with you, I guess I didn’t really think about how I lost feelings for you, and developed some for her.” 

“Okay, so what exactly do you want to do now? Do you- do you want to confess? I don’t kno-”

“Ughhhh, why’s life so complicated?” You let yourself fall back, back pressed against your bed and with your hands covering your teary eyes. Peter takes your hands and makes you open your eyes, looking up at him. He caresses his thumb over your palm and gives you a smile. 

“Do you want to confess to her? Like, tell her you’re..?” He stops and frowns.

“Bi? I mean, at least I think I’m bi...I’m still new to this, but I guess that’s it, I still have time to figure it out..so.” You shrug and sit up again. You are not wrong. You still had time to figure this all out, and at the moment, that was the label you felt comfortable with. You liked Peter, and then Mj. 

“Yeah, that. Do you want to tell her first and see how she reacts? I mean, you should feel comfortable doing that, so if you don’t, it’s ok. But it’d be better if you did- not that I’m pressuring you or anything. I really want you to feel comf-” You let out a breathy laugh as you feel your cheeks heat up again.

 You loved how much he cared about you, one of the reasons why you  thought about telling him first, before anyone else. He always wanted to make sure all his friends and important people, to him, were safe and felt comfortable with telling him important things. Like right now, he’s thankful that you trusted him enough to talk about this. 

“Peter, breath! It’s okay, really, I’m comfortable right now.” He nods and lets go of your hand again. 

“Thank you,” you look at him through your lashes and catch a smile from him. 

“Always. But what are you gonna do? Do you- do you want to tell your parents first?” 

“I don’t know. I just want to think about everything at first, and then later on tell someone else, y’know? Not tryna rush this or anything.” 

“Yeah, I get that.” 

For the rest of the day, you were thinking about how to tell your parents and if you were right or not. Your mind kept telling you that you don’t like her. Maybe it was just thinking she was pretty? Maybe you were just longing for touch and because she was not touchy, you liked the idea of hugging her and being the only one to do so. But maybe, the thought that kept you up the whole night, you were faking it all and still liked Peter and your mind was playing tricks with you. Regardless, you just couldn’t close your eyes and rest for a second, the thought of your parents, the Avengers or any other of your friends reacting bad and being disgusted. 

But then again, if they really loved you, they wouldn’t think any less of you. And you also didn’t know their views on these type of things, so you could be completely wrong. 

→ → → → → → → →

》feedback is appreciated!《

[coridallasmultipass]

Native American Remains Found in Montecito, CA

I ranted about this on Insta the other day, but I want to bring it up here where I have more space to vent without text-walling my story.

Sources: https://www.independent.com/2021/06/04/riven-rock-remains-are-native-american/

Follow-Up Article: https://www.independent.com/2021/06/09/mystery-surrounds-human-remains-found-on-montecito-property/

This is an extremely depressing discovery I learned about earlier this week. Made even more depressing by recent circumstances.

Let me start with a bit of backstory for the area… Montecito is known to be the area where Rich People move to retire or get out of LA. It’s basically all multimillion dollar homes (the whole southern area of Santa Barbara County is like that, too) and sits comfortably facing the Channel Islands. Montecito/SB are known for being the homes of celebrities like Katy Perry, Oprah Winfrey, and now the new royal couple Prince Harry and Megan Markle.

Now, if you ask me, there are too many Multimillion Dollar McMansions in our county. I’m from the Chumash tribe (specifically Ineseño, the one inland from Santa Barbara; we have the Reservation.) Just a couple years ago, my tribe purchased a plot of land that was historically ours - as in, part of the original Reservation documents. My tribe made a large contribution to the county along with the purchase. But owning the land was not the same as annexing it into the rez.

I’m a 90s kid so I remember what the rez used to look like before our casino grew in the early 2000s. Multiple generations would have a house, and have to keep adding onto it to make room; each property would have multiple trailers so others could live there too. Space was cramped. Especially pushed up along the Santa Ynez River that used to flood before we got the drought (which made for some fun times swimming in the rain as a kid..) Housing on the rez is a lot safer now, though, but the space is still needed.

Our tribe had planned to use that land, purchased in 2010, for more (badly needed) tribal housing. Then comes along this racist group called “Save The Valley”/“Santa Ynez Valley Coalition” who claimed that our tribe was a leech on the county, and that building (necessary, modest) housing there would “ruin the view”… They, and the county, took the tribe to court over and over - county court, state court, federal court, all because they did not want us to use our land for our people.

I should also mention here that the Chumash Reservation is probably THE GREENEST place in the entire county. The casino and resort are all ~ zero waste, solar energy, whatever. They have won awards for being so eco-friendly. So the new housing was going to follow suit, as well. Certainly nothing I would call a leech with how much business the casino brings to the local shops and wineries around the county.

Things are still up in the air in regards to this issue, but it seems to be moving forward finally.

Source: https://lompocrecord.com/news/local/bureau-of-indian-affairs-makes-final-decision-on-taking-camp-4-into-trust-for-chumash/article_0e798813-1710-5d27-9d2d-5e2618db8da9.html

Conversely, here’s another anecdote about an appropriate way to preserve “the view”: This year (this month!! June 2021), a group planned to permanently alter the landscape of the foothills of the San Marcos mountains in Santa Barbara, by building more multimillion dollar mansions over this historically Chumash land, and keeping it as a private community. Another group, Save The San Marcos Foothills, crowdfunded over 18 million dollars (!!!!) to halt the construction, purchase the land, and work WITH the county AND the Chumash to preserve it and keep it as an open space that the public can go to, to enjoy the natural landscape, without harming the wildlife.

Source: https://www.savesanmarcosfoothills.org/

Let me take a little time to explain a bit of Chumash history. I’m no expert, and might not do it justice, but it’s important to understand the full context of why I’m so upset. The Chumash people originated on the Channel Islands. We grew and prospered and lived happily alongside wildlife, until our islands seemed too small for all of us. Our mother goddess Hutash decided that we were ready to travel to the mainland and grow as humans do. She built us a rainbow bridge and cautioned us not to look down. Those who became scared and looked down, fell, and transformed into dolphins, who we consider family. As we move into the mainland to live, so we return towards the sea when we die. Our spirits venture to Point Conception (near Lompoc, CA) where we begin our trials and journey through the afterlife.

Our lives and spirits are deeply tied to this local area of California, and it’s a damn shame that it’s been branded as the expensive rich white people area to retire or the pricey beachy getaway for celebrities to buy privacy.

Historically, the Chumash have lived here for a long time. We’re a long ways away from Central America, but even our language has a few loanwords from Nahuatl. It’s also theorized that we had (peaceful) contact with the seafaring Polynesians, too. When the Spanish brought native Mexicans with them, we saw them as our bretheren, yet we were treated as a much lower class during the Mission Period. This is where we were hit the hardest. We lost our language in such a way that it is not natively spoken today. (Though there is still hope with many people studying and learning it on their own and with the help of language experts.)

So, back to the original link I posted. Native American remains found in Montecito. It is truly, deeply, filling me with a sorrow I can not come to terms with. It’s depressing. It’s angering. It’s Disturbing. The fact that these remains were found during the construction of a (likely) multimillion dollar mansion is bad enough. And after the decendant/tribe is notified (it’s still not clear if he was Barbareño Chumash or a visitor), they’re going to continue building that mansion.

But to make matters even more disturbing, is that the neighbors within earshot include Prince Harry and Megan Markle’s fancy new estate.

Let that sink in.

A tribe that had no historical contact with British Imperialism, now has a royal couple living (basically/almost) on top of the grave of one of us. One of us that had been left to the elements for so long that the bones found were in fragments.

Not far from Montecito is a street in Santa Barbara that, up until last year, was called Indio Muerto Street (“Dead Indian”) because a dead Chumash man was found there. ((Thankfully, the street was renamed in 2020 to Hutash Street, and a memorial made to all the natives who died alone.))

Source: https://www.independent.com/2020/09/30/santa-barbaras-indio-muerto-street-to-be-changed/

I just can’t get over how much of this county we lived in, like, we Really Lived In and With the land. Our spirits are tethered to this land while we live. And so many of these fancy rich houses are built on soil that was once soaked in our blood. All while our tribe has to fight the legal system that favours racist objectors, just to try and get land that is appropriate to house our tribe.

Words do not bring justice to describing how deeply discoveries like this hurt. I’m still crying about it because there’s nothing I can do. The real battles are long over, and the only way to fight now is with money, so I sit here and mourn and cry for the dusty remains of my long-forgotten cuzin.

[thelittlestcheshire]

even if you have to cry, don't let your crown fall

a love letter to luxor’s ches elswood

Well, it’s finally time that I feel ready to post this, and while I’m aware it may be bittersweet with my upcoming departure, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Today I present to you a three hour Ches playlist, divided into sections and covering her entire time at Luxor, from when I first picked her up in June of 2019 all the way to now. There’s quite a few plot references, and small (and not as small) references to other muses throughout, especially when it comes to Elliot, so keep an eye out for those as well!

I’d like to thank Lex for giving me the idea to make these, and her support throughout the process because without her, these playlists wouldn’t even exist. And thank you to everyone who has gone on this journey with us, while I’m sorry I need to dip out early after this event to focus on my health, I love y’all so much.

The standard Ches tws apply (poor mental health, alcoholism, etc etc), and anything I think may be a bit abnormal / section exclusive is noted on the sections.

twist me like a key, then you open the lock | pre-luxor:

the section of time before I played Ches at Luxor, very James heavy. additional tws: Death (Sign of the Times), Toxic relationships (nothing explicit tho)

Sign of the Times (Jasmine Thompson) [ Remember everything will be alright. We can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here. ] // Sweet Ophelia (Zella Day) [ Singing like it's a full moon, careless now that he has you. Turns you on to the right songs, promises that you're hooked on. ] // Couple of Kids (Maggie Lindemann) [ Now I'm fallin' heavily, recklessly, trying not to lose my sensibility; but gravity, it pulls me into you. ] // Glowstick (Sofia Karlberg) [ You play me like a line-up; long con, you make me wise up. ] // Crying in the Club (Camila Cabello) [ Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, let the beat carry away, your tears as they fall, baby. Ain't no crying in the club, hey, hey, with a little faith, your tears turn to ecstasy. ] // Ember (Katherine McNamara) [ Reignite; you lost your grip on me, and now I blaze wild and free. ]

nobody shows up unless i'm paying, have a drink on me cheers to the failing | summer & fall 2019:

the first time I was at Luxor playing ches, from June - October 2019

7 rings (Ariana Grande) [ Been through some bad shit, I should be a sad bitch. Who woulda thought it'd turn me to a savage? ] // I'm a Mess (Bebe Rexha) [ “It's gonna be a good, good life;” that's what my therapists say. ] // OMG (Little Mix) [ Oh my gosh, I did it again. He said I broke his heart, it keeps happening. ] // Only Angel (Harry Styles) [ Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, but I think that's what I like about it. ] // LA Devotee (Panic! At The Disco) [ Drinking white wine in the blushing light, just another LA Devotee. ] // Woman Like Me (Little Mix feat. Nicki Minaj) [ I made a few mistakes, I regret it nightly. I broke a couple hearts that I wear on my sleeve. ]

all of this emptiness i've been sharing, it never comes when i want it to | winter 2019:

the period of time Ches went home to be with her family and was away from luxor additional tws: vomiting (Habits (Stay High))

Carmen (Lana Del Rey) [ Darlin’, darlin’, doesn't have a problem lyin’ to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf ] // How You Remind Me (Avril Lavigne) [ And I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle. These five words in my head scream, "Are we havin' fun yet?" ] // Playing God (Paramore) [ This is the last second chance (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm half as good as it gets (I'll point you to the mirror). I'm on both sides of the fence (I'll point you to the mirror). Without a hint of regret, I'll hold you to it ] // Habits {Stay High} (Tove Lo) [ Staying in my play pretend, where the fun ain't got no end. Oh, can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain. ] // Bedroom Window (The Pretty Reckless) [ As I look out of my bedroom window; is it all real or just fantasy? I have lost touch with what makes me human, I have lost touch with reality. ] // Impossible Year (Panic! At The Disco) [ There's no sunshine, this impossible year; only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear. ]

i wouldn't say you got the best of me, i'd say you got me somewhere in between | spring 2020:

Ches’s return to Luxor, and the months following leading up to her mass text about Leo’s dad following the Lake Bash

3 O'Clock Things (AJR) [ Would you go running if you saw the real me? Maybe you'd love 'em, yeah, maybe you'd feel me. ] // Wild Heart (Bleachers) [ Well, everything has changed and now I can't tell what matters. I will find any way to your wild heart. ] // Rise (Katy Perry) [ When the fire's at my feet again and the vultures all start circling. They're whispering, “you're out of time.” But still, I rise. ] // Don't Stop Me Now (Queen) [ I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars on a collision course. I am a satellite, I'm out of control. ] // Princesses Don't Cry (CARYS) [ Girls, so pretty and poised and soft to the touch, but God made me rough. Girls, so heavy the crown, they carry it tall, but it's weighing me down. ] // Save Rock And Roll (Fall Out Boy feat. Elton John) [ You are what you love, not who loves you. In a world full of the word 'yes', I'm here to scream... no, no (no, no). ] // Making a Monster out of Me (Katherine McNamara) [ And I don't know how to recollect the morals that I always did possess. Don't know where its leading me. ] // We Don't Have To Dance (Andy Black) [ You're never gonna get it, I'm a hazard to myself. I'll break it to you easy. This is hell, this is hell. ]

tonight it's alright, i can see the tunnel at the end of these lights | summer 2020:

summer camp and the months leading up to a new school year

Night Owls Early Birds (Foxes) [ A wild fire inside me burns. Why do I look like I'm wear for worse? Save me, save me, go underneath the ground. ] // Too Much (Carly Rae Jepsen) [ When I party, then I party too much. When I feel it, then I feel it too much. When I'm thinking, then I'm thinking too much. When I'm drinking, then I'm drinking too much. ] // Royal Blue (Alberto Rosende) [ My regrets are a shade around my neck I know. It's torturous, and there's a burden that I can't let go. ] // Who You Selling For (The Pretty Reckless) [ And when Roger showed me I was building a wall. I've been waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting a long time, waiting for it to fall. ] // Heavy (Linkin Park feat. Kiiara) [ You say that I'm paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. ] // The Archer (Taylor Swift) [ I've been the archer, I've been the prey; screaming, “who could ever leave me,” darling. But who could stay? ] // Everybody Lost Somebody (Bleachers) [ And there's a reason I wake up alone in strange places, a reason I see myself in a million faces, a reason I can't stop it all from changing. So come on, motherfucker, you survive, you gotta give yourself a break. ]

no cameras catch my muffled cries. i counted days, i counted miles | fall and winter 2020(/21):

a new school year, from the start of the semester right until the aftermath of the kings’ party

So It Goes (Guards) [ I don't know who I am but I do know who I'm not. I'm just looking for a friend, I'm still searching for the plot. ] // Wasabi (Little Mix) [ Love to hate me, praise me, shame me; either way, you talk about me. ] // Think Before I Talk (Astrid S) [ Maybe I should think before I talk; I get emotional and words come out all wrong. Sometimes I'm more honest than I want. ] // Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince (Taylor Swift) [ No cameras catch my muffled cries. I counted days, I counted miles to see you there, to see you there. And now the storm is coming, but... ] // Sober Up (AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo) [ Won't you help me sober up? Growin' up, it made me numb, and I wanna feel somethin' again. ] // The Show Must Go On (Queen) [ Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places, I guess we know the score, on and on. Does anybody know what we are looking for? ] // Waiting For A Friend (The Pretty Reckless) [ My head is like a prison cell, I'm all by myself. I'm waiting for my friend to come and break me out. ] // Sober (Demi Lovato) [ I'm sorry that I'm here again, I promise I'll get help. It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry to myself. ] // Eight (Sleeping At Last) [ I'm just a kid who grew up scared enough to hold the door shut, and bury my innocence. But here's a map, here's a shovel, here's my Achilles' heel. ]

i got this handled, i don't need rescuing | spring and early summer 2021:

ches’s progress from the end of march until now

The Man (Taylor Swift) [ I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I'd get there quicker if I was a man. And I'm so sick of them coming at me again, 'cause if I was a man, then I'd be the man. ] // Princess (FLETCHER) [ But we're all going through it, so why do we do it? Why do we hide? ] // Humpty Dumpty (AJR) [ If I can't breathe, then you can't see, but aren't you excited that I'm giving you the best me? ] // My Mistake (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Am I jaded? Am I meant to feel this way?  I'm a loser, getting beat by my own game. But if I falter, well, at least it was my mistake. ] // The Climb (Miley Cyrus) [ The struggles I'm facing, the chances I'm taking; sometimes might knock me down, but no, I'm not breaking. ] // breathin (Ariana Grande) [ Some days, things just take way too much of my energy. I look up and the whole room's spinning. You take my cares away. ] // Clean (Taylor Swift) [ Ten months sober, I must admit just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it. Ten months older, I won't give in, now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it. ] // Not a Pop Song (Little Mix) [ A hamster on a wheel that's how it feels tryna be real. These unrealistic expectations said we'll make it if we fake it. ] // Queen (Loren Gray) [ Eyes on me like I'm a prize but you better recognize I'm not your angel 'cause I belong to me. ] // The Cure (Little Mix) [ This happiness was always inside me but Lord, it took a minute to find me. ]

[miutonium]

4, 10, 11 for the katy perry asks

I'm answering this one with my s/i too sorry bout that hhh (also gonna put an undercut just so it doesnt clutter people's feed ;w;)

4. Firework: Were there sparks the first time you kissed? Do you ever still get them?

Ooh so I actually have thought of this before omg I cant believe I never posted it before aaa sorry if I go off the rails for this one 🥺🥺🥺

I like to think that they had their first kiss after their 2nd date. They had a movie date and decided to take a walk in the park a bit before he drove her home. He offers to walk her to her door and as they reached her front door, he told her he really enjoyed the date and apologise if he acted awkward and nervous throughout their date since he rarely landed on a 2nd date and as he was apologising, Chloe gave her a peck on his cheek, giggled and thanked him for spending the night with her.

He froze for a while as she bids her goodnight but as she walks away, somehow, something in his head tells him he should make the next move so he pulled her closer to his chest. They locked eyes into each other before slowly leaning in and sealed their lips together.

Utonium has not kissed anyone for so long until that point, he has been single and lonely for a long time. It was unreal for him at first because he always thought she was out of his league for someone as plain and nerdy as he is but when he felt her hand winds his neck, he starts to believe this is real, it's happening and she chose him and he felt really good, in a warm and pleasant way after he left. He actually screams inside his car for a minute because of how unreal it was to him (unknown to him, Chloe actually saw him losing his mind in his car from the view of her window lol)

Chloe had her fair share of kisses, but she felt her first kiss with Utonium was one of the memorable one they had because she had gotten over an unhealthy relationship at that time and she always thought he was really sweet and loving and right after they kissed, she has a very strong feeling that he's the absolute right person for her.

I do feel that they still get the same fuzzy warm feelings after they kissed, especially after not seeing each other for a while or when they had a moment together, but I do think the first one will always be the memorable one for them :')

10. Never worn white: Are you two married? If not, would you ever marry them?

I haven't thought of them being married yet (I'm not ready I just got over a previous f/o lol) but I think Chloe wouldn't want to marry him just yet. She's still kinda get a hang on dating a single dad and she just started to feel comfortable around his kids, but she's not really fully commited to the idea of being married just yet.

Utonium on the other hand would put a ring on her in a heartbeat if he could but he doesnt want to pressure her, not when they only dated for less than a year, but I feel that he would dropped a few subtle hints about it in their conversation in hopes that Chloe would consider it in the future.

11. Cry about it later: Are you two good at comforting each other? Or is it a little awkward, but y’all are doing your best?

Utonium is exceptionally great at comforting people, it might be because of his paternal instinct or him being much older and experienced than her, so it's expected that he's good at making people feeling much better about themselves. Chloe is lucky she's able to lean on him when she's feeling the blues because she swears she feels a lot better after talking to him.

So I do feel it could be a little awkward for Chloe to comfort him because she doesn't really know what to do when Utonium feels down since she feels she wont be as good as how he did to her when he gave her his signature pep talk. But she still would try her best to make him feel better and be extra nice to him ;w;

Thank you for the ask :3

[artificialqueens]

Pretty Please (Crystal x Gigi) - Katy

A/N: hi everyone, I used to post on here back in the day but this is my first fic this year. This is written about a real life experience I actually had, where I told the girl sitting next to me in maths class (who I had a huge crush on) that I just didn't feel well, and was not in fact having the worst panic attack of my life, and when she helped me leave the room to go the the medical room, i proceeded to faint down an entire flight of stairs :). And no, we did not get together. So here's what I wish had actually happened lmao. If you enjoyed please leave me a comment or like, I really enjoyed writing this so I may be persuaded to do more ;)

Gigi inhaled, a short shaky breath that rattled her lungs and left her nauseous. She knew she was panicking, the familiar feeling that settled between her ribs, constricting her airflow with each quiver of her hand, but letting the others know that she was panicking, was not an option.

She sat in the corner of the Untucked lounge, heels off and headphones in, the Katy Perry track on repeat. She knows she fucked up the challenge, and she wasn’t proud of it, her limited political knowledge finally catching up to her. Her teeth chattered as she tried to mime the words, preparing herself for what she knew would be her first time in the bottom two, but her brain and her mouth wouldn’t connect and she let out an audible whimper.

Jackie and Widow were just steps away from her, but both were in a completely different state of mind, with Jackie pinning her hijab to her dress, and Widow immersed in her final rehearsal of the lipsync song, strong actions and emotive faces. She prayed Jaida or Heidi didn’t hear her, because as much as she loved them, there was only one person she wanted.

Crystal was sat on the sofa; legs crossed and smile bright as she laughed animatedly at Heidi, arms flailing. She wasn’t looking at Gigi, and Gigi couldn’t work out whether that was a blessing or a curse.

Talking about feelings was not Gigi’s strong point, nor expressing vulnerability, making her and Crystal the perfect pair. They balanced each other out, the calm to the storm. And right now, Gigi was certain that a hurricane was coming.

Her eyes were wide and glassy, staring at the back of Crystal’s blue wig, frozen with fear. All of the blood plummets to the soles of her feet, and she puts her head between her knees to try and curb the overwhelming dizziness surrounding her. She can’t remember what happened next, the edges of her memories hazy with anxiety, but then Crystal is there.

Crystal is here.

She knelt down beside Gigi, quickly discarding her heels and blazer over the back of the sofa. There’s a hand on the small of Gigi’s back, and she flinches, before quickly calming as Crystal hooks a finger under her chin, and raises her head to meet her gaze. Gigi hears mumblings of ‘sweetheart, look at me’ and ‘what’s going on, babe?’ before she realises she’s being scooped up by Crystal and taken outside, blowing a thankful kiss at Jackie, who’s moved to hold the door open for Crystal so she can get her out. Out of the hot, overwhelming room that Crystal knew she had to remove Gigi from, as soon as she glanced over and saw her, curled into herself and breathing unsteadily.

She’s placed on the ground outside the smoking area, Crystal supporting her weight as she gently helps Gigi place her head back between her legs, almost being able to see the stars swirling around in Gigi’s head. There’s a supportive hand on her shoulder, and as soon as she hears the mumble of ‘feel sick, Crys’, there’s a cool palm immediately on her forehead. Gigi already knew that she didn’t have a fever, but the harsh reality she’d have to face of telling Crystal what was actually going on, was enough to stress herself into a high body temperature, and soon Crystal’s pulling her hand away, sighing softly.

The high pitched whimper Gigi makes is enough to stop Crystal’s heart beating. It’s fragile, it’s vulnerable, and it’s so not Gigi.

Then there’s sobs.

Huge, gut-wrenching sobs that make Gigi’s hands shake more so than they were, her chest heaving in ragged breaths as she tries to calm herself down, stop making a fool of herself in front of her crush. There’s a long, drawn out ‘baby’ releasing itself from Crystal’s throat, and before she can stop herself, she’s reaching over and cradling Gigi in her lap, stroking her wig away from her face, shushing her gently. She’s rocking the taller girl back and forth, praying she’s not making her dizziness any worse, humming under her breath.

Time passes, but Gigi’s sobs are getting louder and sadder, and Crystal’s worried she’s about to start hyperventilating any second.

She doesn’t have a huge amount of experience comforting others, as the so lovingly named ‘cry baby’ of the group, it’s normally her being comforted by Gigi or Jackie. Everything Crystal wants when she’s upset, she’s trying with Gigi, from rubbing her back to running her hands through her wig, but she can’t get her to calm down and she’s beginning to run out of ideas.

She tries once more. Crystal starts slowly, taking both of her hands and cupping Gigi’s face, raising her head from its place on Crystal’s chest. The change of position makes Gigi’s head spin, and she’s falling weightlessly back against Crystal’s body before she’s even registered what was happening. Gigi blinks her eyes up at Crystal, who’s leaning closer and closer to her face, and then she felt it.

Lips against hers. MAC on Anastasia. Cherry red on cherry red.

She can’t fucking breathe.

She runs.

She’s nauseous and lightheaded and still not breathing properly, but that’s all out of the window as Gigi desperately tries to process her feelings. She wants this. Why was she running from it? She reaches the staircase inside leading to the lounge, drapes herself over the bannister in a futile attempt to stay upright. Crystal’s running behind her, calling Gigi’s name, telling her to stop, she’s going to hurt herself.

Crystal sees Gigi leaning heavily on the staircase, heart in her throat as she desperately tries to reach her before the inevitable happens.

Thud.

Crystal’s screams echo through to the Untucked lounge, and Jackie runs out just in time to grab onto the arm of Gigi’s coat, as Crystal dives in and clamps her hands around Gigi’s waist, catching her just inches away from hitting the floor. Gigi’s as pale as a ghost, sweat glistening on her forehead and upper lip, heart thumping against Crystal, who’s precariously balanced on a single step, Gigi in her arms.

Crystal feels outside of her body. Jackie’s crouched next to her, prying Gigi’s upper half away from Crystal and into her arms, fearing from the look on Crystal’s face, that she would be the next to drop. Then Jackie’s moving, laying Gigi carefully onto the floor, unlacing her corset, sliding off her wig. Gigi’s completely out of it, but letting out soft, regular breaths for the first time that evening. The sound of Jackie’s heels clicking against the floor as she’s running out of the room, and returning with a fan and a bottle of water breaks Crystal out of her trance and she’s standing, moving to sit by Gigi’s head.

Crystal’s crying, her tears dripping down into Gigi’s hair as Jackie hands her a tissue, reminds her to breathe, tells her one casualty is enough.

She hasn’t had time to process everything that’s just happened, and honestly was feeling close to an anxiety attack herself, but she looked down and saw Gigi’s eyes beginning to flutter. Jackie takes Gigi’s hand, strokes over her knuckles with her painted thumb, asks if Gigi can hear her. Her eyes flutter twice more before she’s awake. Confused and disorientated, Gigi pushes herself up into a sitting position, before a rushed ‘No, Gee, you need to lay back down’ is heard and there’s Jackie’s hand on her chest, easing her back onto the floor, and Crystal’s hand tangles in her hair.

Gigi can’t see Crystal, too busy trying to get her eyes to concentrate on Jackie. Sweet, caring Jackie who’s grabbed her a blanket from set, draped it over her the second she saw her teeth clicking together.

Gigi’s mind was hazy, and she had no clear recollection of what had happened for her to be lying on the dirty floor next to the staircase, before she remembers.

Crystal.

‘Jacks’, Gigi mumbles. ‘Where’s Crystal?’

Jackie and Crystal lock eyes before Jackie’s nodding, squeezing Gigi’s knee and walking back into Untucked, and Crystal’s scooting into Gigi’s vision line. ‘Gigi, I’m here, you’re okay’.

Their eyes meet and Crystal sees Gigi let out a huge breath, her eyes beginning to glisten, so she takes her hand in both of hers and rubs the tension out of it. ‘You’re okay’, Crystal promises again.

‘What happened?’

‘You passed out, darling. You were having an anxiety attack and you tried to run, but this is as far as you got.’

‘I wasn’t having a panic attack, I felt sick.’

‘Gee, don’t lie to me.’

Crystal looks up and Gigi’s in tears, again. Crystal gently scoops her up from the floor, positions her in a somewhat upright position in her lap, and combs her hand through Gigi’s hair.

‘Why was I running?’

‘Because I kissed you.’

They lock eyes, the tension sitting heavy between their chests. Crystal heaves in a huge breath, about to spew everything she feels about Gigi out in one sentence before Gigi beat her to it.

Lips against lips.

They sit, limbs intertwined and lips together, until they hear the dreaded announcement of ‘5 minutes to go, ladies.’

‘You sure you’re gonna be okay if you have to lipsync Gigi? You won’t be in the bottom two, but just in case you are. We can tell production if you’re still feeling lightheaded,’ Crystal reassures.

‘I am still feeling dizzy.’

‘Oh, baby, okay, let’s go and tell the crew,’ Crystal starts, before Gigi cuts her off.

‘No, babe, I’m kidding. I just want you to carry me back into the room.’

Crystal chuckles before standing up, pulling Gigi into her chest like a goddamn koala, leaving a huge red lipstick kiss on her forehead.

‘Don’t ever, ever, scare me like that again.’