#until his dad gives in and confesses its fantasies about its son

[cross-eyed-boy]

(@bulltuskbutch you asked to see where this was going so 🫣)

dad who gets home on a regular day, expecting the usual routine of hanging out with its son, making food for the both of them, then telling him its going out, knowing its boy doesn't ask questions, he's too old to care what his dad does on its personal time.

dad who's still ashamed it has so many one night stands each week. not ashamed of having sex, or doing it with guys, no... just of all of them being much younger boys who look suspiciously similar to its own son. it did stop for a while, after the first time it moaned its son's name when it came. but the urges were so strong it was afraid it might end up touching him for real, so it's back to a routine of fucking boys with the same skintone and dark curls. sometimes it even works up the courage to ask if it can call a boy a different name... thinking about raping your son while fucking another guy is okay as long as you never actually act on it, right?

dad who's surprised to find the house empty and dark, who calls for its son as it makes its way through the rooms, until it sees the faintest bit of light coming from the unused basement. there's noise coming from there, too, so it starts down the stairs in a hurry, afraid something might have happened to its son. something hits it in the back of the head, and the last thing it sees as it tumbles down is a pool of blood spreading on the floor in a corner of the room.

dad who wakes up some time later, tied to a chair under the bare lightbulb hanging from the basement ceiling. it blinks, vision coming into focus just as it takes in the sight before it. its son, covered in blood, hair matted to his forehead with sweat, crouched next to a few bodies slumped against the wall. it takes the dad too long to recognise the faces, left pristine in contrast to the bloody, lacerated bodies: the boy it fucked a week ago, who let it call him by its son's name; one from a couple of months back who looked so similar to its son it cried after it was done fucking him; another it had forgotten about, not even from the city. and, closest to its son who has his hand in the boy's hair, pulling his face back, the boy it was supposed to meet tonight.

'hi, dad.'

[glenncoco4]

You Can Count On Me

A/N: Well, we’ve finally reached the big reveal. Ch. 13

"Aw, thanks, babe." She's having too much fun with this. Leaning down, she connects their lips one more time, twice for good measure.

Julia grabs her best friend's arm, a bright smile crossing her face. "Bertie, it's happening?!"

"Oh, I think it's already happened." She gives the pair a knowing glance, something telling her that this development isn't so new.

The agent pulls back from her fiancé’s lips, a thrill running through her body when she’s met with a smirk, yeah, they’re both enjoying this way too much. Soon the smirks turn into laughter, her forehead finding his chest as they enjoy this moment of stupefaction that their know it all mothers are consumed by. 

“Why are you laughing?” Roberta quizzically looks at the couple whose still laid out in the snow and back to her best friend whose dream filled gaze is no help to her at all. 

Standing up from her straddled position on her partner’s waist, Kensi steps back, reaching for his hand, becoming an anchor for him to get up out of the deep snow. “We know what you two have been doing for the past 20 years.”

Julia nervously bites her lip, her eyes now looking at anything but the accusatory eyes of her daughter and pseudo son. “Whatever do you mean?”

Shaking his head, the younger blonde wraps his arm around his best friend, pulling her into his side. “Fess up or we’re eloping.”

Julia shakes her head, doing a double take as Marty’s words wash over her. “You’re-“

A hopefulness fills the older blonde’s being as she looks to Julia, both trying to not get ahead of themselves. “Wait, what’s going on?”

Pulling off her glove, Kensi reveals her left hand, a certain finger not bare as it was the last time the older women saw it. “We’re engaged.”

“So soon?” Julia elbows her best friend, telling her to stop with the dumb questions. They don’t need to plant any questioning doubt in the kids’ heads and have to start this whole process over again. 

He places a kiss to the top of her head, the chill of the air around them is no match for the scent of lavender that envelopes his nostrils. “We’ve been best friends for over 20 years and dating for 3 months.”

Tilting her head back, the brunette’s mismatched orbs find those cerulean blues that she loves so much. All the emotions swirling in their eyes, conveying everything they feel and love for the other. “We don’t need anymore lost time.”

“I’ve got to tell your father!” The smile that’s plastered to the older brunette’s face is comparable to an excited golden retriever. 

“Oh, about that.” Marty stops his pseudo mother and now soon to be mother-in-law from taking off in a full on sprint to the cabin.

She turns back around, a look of confusion set in her features. Great, Bertie, you already made them change their minds. “What?”

The detective grimaces knowing his fiancée’s not gonna appreciate him keeping something from her. “He may already know.”

Kensi’s hand finds her fiancé’s bicep, swating his arm in surprise that he would keep something like this from her. She’s not really surprised though that her motormouth partner couldn’t keep their news from her dad. “Marty!”

“I didn’t tell him, he just figured it out.” He shrugs, trying to look as innocent as possible.

••••

They feel the two pair of eyes on them constantly. Really they should’ve expected this from the beginning, every once and awhile the pair will share a kiss just to see the two older women’s reactions. At first it was kinda hilarious because whenever Marty’s lips met Kensi’s one or both of their mothers would be right there, squealing in excitement. Now, it’s kinda getting annoying. Not the kissing each other part, no, that will definitely never get old, but their mothers watching their every move…yeah, that’s not fun. 

It’s pretty much expected as they step out of their room on Christmas morning that both Julia and Roberta are right there to greet them in excitement. The thing that catches them off guard though is when presents are being opened and the two have giddy smiles on their faces as they thrust a box towards the partners. 

“Open ours next!” Roberta states as her eyes widen in anticipation. 

“Who’s it for?” Marty asks, brow furrowed in question.

“Both of you!” Julia exclaims enthusiastically bouncing up and down where she sits on the couch, jostling her husband in the process. 

Kensi’s brow furrows as she shares a look with her fiancé. A little bit of dread filling her being, scared to what the box could possible contain. Her mind going into overdrive thinking about a photoshopped picture of what their future child will look like or something worse like a scrapbook of their entire future planned out. “Both?”

“Just open it.” Umberto finally makes himself known, thankful that after today he won’t have to hear about this secret gift for the rest of his life. 

Slowly they each take a side, freeing the lid from the box, revealing a patterned quilt of some sort. “A blanket?”

“It’s a baby making blanket.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Unperturbed by her pseudo daughter’s look of confused shock, Roberta feels the need to further explain. “We read that if you were to create a quilt and shove it full of the couple’s baby clothes then it would bring you good luck when trying to conceive.”

“But you two didn’t even know we were together until a few days ago.” The detective states.

A knowing smile crosses Donald’s face. “Oh, we knew it was going to happen eventually.”

“How were you so sure?” The agent looks to her father but can feel the rest of the adults’ knowing eyes on her. 

“Lets see, there was Marty’s prom-“ The former marine states.

“And then Kensi’s.” Roberta’s fiancé finishes. 

Marty shakes his head in confusion at the swarthy man’s interjection. “Umberto, you weren’t even there.”

“Ah, but I saw the pictures, papi.” A grin curls at the corner off his lips as he leans back against the chair. 

Julia nods in agreement when she remembers a key piece of information that no one’s talked about since the day it happened. “Then there was the fact that Marty got drunk and cried in your father’s arms when you and Jack got engaged.”

The young blonde feels his body run cold. Not because of his supposed confession but the actions that might have followed. He’s not surprised that he showed up to talk to the man he’s always seen as a father, its just the not remembering part that has him confused. “I-I did?”

“Yeah, you were pretty wasted that night, son.” The marine interjects. 

“Huh, so that’s why I woke up in your old room that morning.”

“Yep. I was about to head to bed when I heard sobbing from the room. Opened the door and there you were…wearing one of her dresses, clutching a picture of you two and crying.” 

“Wait, what?!”

Donald bites back a laugh as the blush rises to Marty’s cheeks. “I’m just messing with you. No, you showed up at the front door and we talked, you told me that you always thought that you’d be the one proposing to her. I was trying to take you to your old room when you stumbled into Kensi’s and face-planted on the bed.”

“Oh, that reminds me!” Roberta exclaims. “One night when I was on Kensi duty after asshat left and she may have gotten into the wine…anyway, about 2 bottles later while we were watching Titanic for the 100th time, she said she felt like she was Rose and Marty was Jack, they were destined to be together but life had other plans.”

Kensi’s jaw drops in shock as she turns to her fiancé and then back to her soon to be mother-in-law. “I-I said that?”

“Yeah, and then you passed out, started doing that snort snore that always brings a smile to his face.”

Shaking her head in denial, she couldn’t’ve possible told anyone. “No, I-I never-“

“Believe me, I was just as shocked as you are now. I mean I had always hoped you two would quit beating around the damn bush.“

Marty’s eyes find his fiancée’s as they share a look of confusion and awe. His lips find hers as the new realizations wash over them. Everything makes sense now. Why after her engagement to Jack their parents started pushing them more, making these tiny decisions that would leave the pair alone…saying these little things that would stay in the back of their minds. “I love you.”

“I love you.” She places another kiss to his lips before he pulls them back against the couch, proudly throwing the blanket over their bodies. 

The former marine huffs a laugh, shaking his head. He honestly doesn’t know how these kids were so blind considering everything they’ve been through over the years. “You two really had no idea, did you.”

••••

It took a little over a week, but the childhood best friends are finally left alone on their own accord as their parents head out to the village for a New Year’s Eve party. To say he’s been dreaming about this for forever would be a bit of an understatement. There’s just something just so special about this place and what it means to them, frankly every time they make love is special, but this cabin during their favorite time of year…its the fantasy of all fantasies for him. 

Now here they are, sitting in front of the roaring fire with a pile of marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers at their disposal. More so Kensi’s than his. He’s content just watching her, watching her devour her favorite camping treat as the snow falls outside and she sends him a chocolatey grin. He is one lucky bastard.  

His eyes follow her as she takes a final bite of her most recent s’more. There’s more chocolate on her fingers than there is on her lips, which makes it an easy decision for him as he grabs hold of her hand, his eyes fixated on her finger as he brings it towards his lips.

Her breath catches as he looks up from under his eyelashes and envelops her coated finger with his mouth. If she weren’t already sitting down, she’d be laid out on the floor as her legs turn to jelly. The moan that escapes her lips is one that often leaves her when her best friend’s involved. 

He can’t take it much longer before his lips are on hers, and he’s leaning forward, bringing them both to the ground as a moan escapes his lip. “Mmm. You have no idea how longs I’ve been waiting for this moment.”

“Sophomore year of high school.”

“Okay, so maybe you do know.” His lips continue their ministrations against the base of her neck, earning him a glorious moan. 

“Marty?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Stop talking.”

He pulls back from his onslaught of kisses, his eyes finding hers. “If I had a dollar-“

Shaking her head, the brunette leans up and nips playfully at his bottom lip. “What did I just say?”

“Oooh, is Mistress Kensi getting angry? She gonna spank me?”

“Alright, maybe I’ll just go finish myself in a warm bath.” She goes to push him off of her but he begins to envelope her entire body with his. 

“No! No! No! Shutting up! Shutting up!”

“That’s what I thought.” Her fingers thread through his golden locks as their eyes darken with an intensity that neither of them has ever known. “Now make love to me dammit.”

A little while later as they lay sated, wrapped up in their baby making blanket in front of the fire, she hums in contentment. “I still can’t get over it.” 

“I know, I’m pretty fantastic.”

She playfully nips at his ear earning her a moan. “I’m talking about how everyone but us knew that we were crazy about each other.”

He turns his head, their lips but a breath apart. “Oh, we knew. It just took a little liquid courage for our subconscious minds to realize it. And then obviously running into each other after being apart without contact in months for the first time in our lives gave us the little push we needed. Not to mention our over baring mothers continuously planting these little seeds in our head probably helped too.”

“I’m glad we finally came to our senses.”

“I’d be offended if you weren’t.”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t go skinny dipping with me in the hot tub.” She places a quick kiss to his lips before hopping up and walking towards the back deck.

His eyes go wide in excitement as he follows her lead and chases after her. “Oooh, we can make our own bubbles.”

The agent abruptly stops at his words, spinning around with a look of disgust. “Ew.”

He winces, shaking his head. Way to ruing the moment, Marty. “Yeah, I heard it.”

[seostudios]

extraordinary

SEOSTUDIOS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL

synopsis. after the king went missing, y/n embarks on a journey to save her father from the kingdom's greatest secret, the fallen prince, who has locked him in his mother’s castle. trading herself in for her father's release, she soon realizes the supposed blood-sucking creature is just an arrogant prince and makes her mission to draw the cold-hearted boy out of his isolation.

pairing. kim doyoung x fem!reader

genre. romance, fantasy, angst, smut

info. prince!doyoung, vampire!doyoung, princess!reader, beauty-and-the-beast!au (with a twist), non-idol!au, medieval!au, prince!ex!jaehyun, brother!jaemin

warnings. mentions of blood and arranged marriage, alcohol, explicit language, unprotected sex, bondage, a really bad sex scene ugh

wc. 5.2k

an. hi happy halloween! i promised ‘angel’ for my halloween special but i feel like wizards were boring for halloween (no hate) but a beauty and the beast au with a vampire twist sounded sexy.. so i hope you enjoyed this romance au there a smut scene but i’m not proud since i have to pee rlly badly and wrote this in a rush (LOL) i hope the cover tricked u! it’s supposed to give a ‘blank’ theme... yk anyways ill try writing more tysm bye i love you all think of this as a halloween special + 700 special mwhamwah

The long curtain that draped over your bay windows had the same orange hue to the morning light, every morning a perfect sunrise. Reminding you of the sleepless nights spent just to get a view of the sun as it illuminated the blue as if it were igniting the most miraculous flame. Throwing the large duvet that once covered your canvas, you quietly tip-toe out of your shared bedroom with fiance and future king, Jaehyun, not trying to wake him yet.

By the time you're finished looking presentable to the outside world, you make your way down towards the kitchen. There was only a week before the wedding, so the castle was a little hectic. Seeing the tailor and his assistance run in an out the front gates, the chefs coming from far and wide to bake you the most flavoursome cake out there. The wedding was a big deal. I mean between merging kingdoms and scoring the most eligible bachelor in the land... It was huge! Jaehyun was known in his kingdom for his selfless actions, but elsewhere, it was his dashing looks. Although he still hasn't managed to swoop in and steal your heart, you had no choice but to let him believe he did so for the sake of your future.

"Princess!" The chef Johnny calls. He noticed you wandering out of your suite after using the restroom and just had to get some small talk done and possibly put in a good word for his close friend about to seal the deal with you. "Oh! Hey Johnny," You greet, flashing him a toothy grin. "It's almost the big day..." He exclaimed. Wow, he seems more excited than me, you think to yourself. "Right. I'm nervous," You confess, your frown now replacing the award-winning smile. Which didn't go unnoticed by Johnny. His eyes, which were once trained on you, shoot up to look behind your shoulder. "Speak of the devil!" He shouted, shooting you a couple glances before running over to Jaehyun, who has just woken up.

Now at the dining table, you and Jaehyun sit accompanied by his parents. "So, Y/N" His mother starts in attempts to spark a conversation. You shot your head up to listen in on what she has to say, "Did you know Jaehyun has an older brother? Doyoung." Silence. You all sat in an awkward stillness, glances between Jaehyun and his father, worried. "No, I didn't. Is he coming to breakfast?" Her cheerful demeanour was quick to shapeshift into a dejected expression. "He moved to Paris to expand his corporation." The hidden truth was that he didn't move at all. He was banished. This tall tale is told all over the lands, but it was just a tall tale about the prince, was it not?

Once upon a time, there lived a dashing prince. His name was Doyoung. Despite having all the money and power in the kingdom, it still felt like there was nothing left for him there if he still lingered in his younger brother's shadow. So the prince ventured off, hoping to find someone who'd appreciate him for himself. That's when he met the great sorcerer, Minyeon, known by only the wicked. She was a sly witch, moving only on the outskirts of the lands. Aching to pounce on any punk in the vicinity. Therefore when she noticed the prince and came to realize his selfish needs, she casts a spell. "You're stuck like this until you find peace eternally. Is being a greedy spoilt brat all you need to be a prince? Maybe you should be more like Jaehyun."  Those were her last words before disappearing into the woods. Doyoung quickly ran back home. Calling every wizard in town to inspect him. He was now cursed to live life as a blood-sucking monster unless he finds this peace. "You know we can't." His mother started. Doyoung's heart tore, hearing the crack in her voice. "I... I know Mother. I'll be quick." He said before finished packing the briefcase full of necessities. "I have a castle." She spits out, handing him a map. "Stay there. I will visit as much as I can," And it was the truth. She visited for the first few months until he started to change. The violent evil nature of a pure vampire, taking its place in Doyoung. That was no longer her son, and she couldn't risk venturing far to walk right into her death. 

And that was Doyoung’s story.

It's been about three years since the incident, and villagers still ponder on whether it's fiction or not, but with the heartbreaking look on Jaehyun's mother's face this morning, I think you got your answer. Acknowledging the elephant in the room, you and your future mother-in-law finish up and head into the fitting room with the tailor, leaving Jaehyun with his father. "He knows-" Jaehyun started, quickly being cut off by his father. "That's why we limited guests on such short notice and doubled the guards. He won't be able to get in." He affirmed before the sound of the chair screeching slowly, and someone sitting was heard. The two look down towards the end of the table. "I won't be able to what?" Doyoung said, throwing his feet on the table. 

死

"I really do think you look magnificent." The designer, Taeyong, chirped adjusting your corset. "Taeyong honey, don't you think that's a little tight? Y/N looks like she's turning blue." Jaehyun's mother jokes. Ever since you've departed from the boys at breakfast, she's been jumpy. Was she expecting someone? "Alright, here we go! Go take a look, princess." Nodding, you make your way to the large mirror. "Oh my! I love it! Thank you so much!" Doing a little twirl, as Jaehyun's mother cheers, showering you in compliments.

“So.. Y/N darling... How are things with Jaehyun?” She asked helping you undress after Taeyong exited. “What do you mean?” You asked curious, what could she mean? “You know this isn’t exactly a love marriage...” She hears a sigh from you. “I mean I like him!” Making sure you let her know that first, you turn away from the mirror to face her, “But not like that, he’s a good friend... Nothing more.” The confession left the still room feel like a ghost town. Jaehyun’s mother hands you a heartwarming smile, assuring you it’s okay. “You know, I think you’d be fit with my eldest son, Doyoung.” Smiling to herself she takes a loose strand of hair and places it behind your hair. “A-Are the rumo-” She nods. They were true, he really was a vampire. “May I ask where he is? Do you visit? How is he? Does he look like the vampires from the books?” All your questions erupt at once, causing her to burst into a fit of laughter. “Well where do I start?!” She says more to herself. “He’s in a castle, past the river banks and through the woods. Safe, hopefully. He’s also quite charming-” 

A knock at the door, grabs both of your attention. "Come in," You said, but something was off. An uneasy feeling turns in the pit of your stomach as the doorknob unwinds to reveal Jaehyun. "You can't be in here! Shoo!" His mother scolded, but Jaehyun raised his hand to silence her. "Y/N, your father."

“He’s what?!” You shout. “Been abducted? By who? He’s on everyone’s good side.” You state clearly. “It’s not his fault. It’s our fault.” He confessed, looking down at the marble tiles of the hushed room. “My brother, Doyoung. Took him.” A gasp is heard from his mother as her hand goes to rest on her chest to feel her heart. “Is Doyoung here?!” She asked. He shook his head. “He showed up and told Dad and I the news but left afterwards. He told me to pass the news over to you.” Jaehyun began to massage his temples, this was really getting to him. “He wants you to meet him at his castle to - discuss - your father's return to his kingdom.” And in a blink of an eye you were gone. Jaehyun’s mother didn’t give you exact directions but you could find out where his castle is. “What are you doing!? Stop her!!” His mother cries, “She doesn’t know what she’s heading into!” Before she was able to run out to you, Jaehyun stops her in her tracks. “This is not our battle, Mother.”

Running into your barn, You mounted Ivy, about to venture off possibly to your death. You were determined though, no matter what; you need your father back. Not for you but for the sake of your kingdom. “Come on girl, we’re gonna save Papa.” Ivy was originally a horse for the knights but it seemed like the two of you had more of a sibling bond than you and your younger brother, Jaemin... Not that you guys hated each other! The river banks were a easy to trot by, the boat passengers and fishers greeting you, and the woods wasn’t as dark and ominous as Jaehyun’s mom put it to sound like. 

There you were. Past the river banks, through the woods and you were led to the front gates of Doyoung’s castle. The castle was more ancient than any bone left in soil. The stone pathway pitted and scarred, looking up you notice it's tall walls, trees surrounded the castle. The large pillars, narrow, round towers dominate the skyline of this massive castle and are connected by enormous, firm walls made of cobblestone. Spooky was an understatement. You dismount Ivy and tie her loosely to an old log. “Stay here girl, I’ll be back with Papa.” Pushing the rusted gates open you throw your cloak over top your head and run towards the large wooden doors. Letting yourself in you examine the large foyer of the castle, it was much smaller than yours back home but the presence it held was bigger than any king to have walked the lands. Your breathing is rapid and shallow, you can feel your pulse pounding in your temples as you cautiously walked up the steps. "Doyoung?" You call out. A muscle twitches involuntarily at the corner of your right eye, after seeing a shadow swiftly move. He knows you're here. "I'm not scared of you." You spoke tenderly, moreso to convince yourself you weren't. Looking down the narrow hallway someone stands, before you were able to walk towards the figure he heads into a door. Now on a wild goose chase after Doyoung you reach a grand hall full of chambers, a dungeon. “Let me out you bastard!” An infuriated voice shouts. It’s your father. “Papa?! Where are you?” You cry running around the zigzag chamber. “Y/N? Over here Y/N!” He shouts once more, why were you here? 

There he was, there they were. Your father was on his knees, gripping the bars calling out for you, but beside him standing tall, he was a slender and well built man with pretty, unturned lip. His pale skin sparkled in the moonlight, his dark eyes matching the night sky above perfectly. Doyoung. Although your heart picked up at his astonishing facial features, you were enraged on why he would abduct your poor father. “Let him go at once!” You demand. He kisses his teeth and dangles a pair of keys above your head. “Only if you stay.” 

“I’ll be fine Papa.” You assure your father at the front gates of the castle. “Take Ivy and head home. I’ll be okay.” You embrace him once more, “But the wedding?!” Your eyebrows furrow. “It’s cancelled, why don’t you get Jaemin to merge with Jaehyun’s little sister, she just came of age and she’s arriving from Thailand tomorrow.” And thus the decision was made. You were now a resident at Doyoung’s, and your wedding was cancelled.

Sitting on the last step of the spiral staircase you watch Doyoung pace around the foyer, speaking to someone in a room. Didn’t he live alone? Getting up to explore the castle you were stopped by Doyoung, he’s quick on his toes. “Let me bring you to your room.” He said, his hand reaching out to you. Charming Slapping his hand you walk past him up the stairs towards whatever room you would make out to be your own. He trails behind you, “Feisty, I-” “I was talking to your mother about you earlier. I’m not dumb, I know it all.” Your began, opening a room door. “I want this room.” You demand, even if you showed him your stubborn side a little, it was fine. He did kidnap your father. Doyoung hums “Okay. Dinner in five” He chimed, before heading back down. The rest of the night was nothing out of the ordinary, other than the awkward glances to one another at dinner. In attempts of sparking something between the two of you Doyoung asks, “Did you enjoy dinner?” At the door frame of your bedroom. “Yeah,” All was well until you saw him begin to unbutton his dress shirt and head into the closet. “W-What do you think are you doing?” You asked frightened. Why was he undressing in your new bedroom. “Getting ready for bed?” “But don’t you have your own room?” You inquire confused. “You picked my room, so we share.” He replied. There were at least over a dozen bedrooms in this castle and you just had to pick his. “No take backs by the way, now get in bed love.” Kissing your teeth you throw on a pair of pyjamas you found in the closet; assuming it was his. Moving to the side of the bed to make a wall of pillows separating the two of you.

死

“It’s been over three months Doyoung.” This was one of those rare occasions you spoke at dinner. “And?” He questions. “I want to go home.” You stood your ground, it’s been over three months, nearing four and it’s safe to say this dinner was the most you’ve both communicated. “You are home,” He replies, taking a bite of his food. “No, it’s not. I sit in this castle reading books and talking to myself, I’m going mad!” You bark. “You traded yourself in for your fathers release, I can’t let you leave.” He always spoke softly but his words never failed to slice through you. 

Doyoung enters his bedroom, while you were downstairs cleaning up. He reaches into the back of his closet, sliding the clothes on the rack to the side, to reveal a mirror. It wasn’t an ordinary mirror, it was a magic mirror, to help Doyoung communicate with his mother without putting herself in danger. “I thought this was the peace I needed to come back.” He said to himself looking at his reflection. “Peace? This isn’t peace Doyoung.” A voice hollered throughout the still room as the mirror illuminated. “I know it isn’t mother, I can’t seem to find it. I’m trying.” The tension grew thick, he was frustrated. “Find peace in her.” She finally said. Just then, the mirror shatters. “Doyoung?” Your soft voice calls from the closet door. His head spins around as he readjusts the clothing. “What time is it?” He questioned, flaring with energy. “About fifteen minutes to eight, why?” This is where you start growing nervous. Although he’s kept to himself you know he yearned for human blood. “Let’s explore.” He grabs ahold of your hand running down to the front yard. “Wear this.” Handing you a coat he intertwines your hands as the two of you exit the premises. 

“Why are you being so weird?!” You roar demanding answers. “I want our friendship to blossom my love.” He spoke, a pang of guilt hitting him. Your cheeks suddenly kissed pink like the spring rose, the blooming colour so bright against your face. Looking forward,avoiding eye contact with Doyoung you tug his hand forward into the wilderness. “On my way here I remember seeing a bench surround with an ethereal setting.” You babble on the way to the destination. “Really? Would love to see it.” Doyoung replied uninterested. This didn’t go unnoticed by you so letting go of his hand you walk ahead. He catches up but doesn’t grab ahold of your hand. “I apologize.” He said, earning a scoff. “I really am, I’m all ears now.” The pleads went on until you reached the bench where you sat down and pulled out a book. “What’s that?” He asked. “A sketch book.” You reply, opening the book to reveal you artwork. “Whoa, Y/N these are amazing.” Astonished he grabs it out of you hand to flip through them, earning a rather adorable giggle from you, which did indeed cause a crack in Doyoung’s ice cold heart.

Your stay increased and the liking you had towards Doyoung has as well. Now there is never a dull moment at dinner, a new routine of late night walks. In all honesty, Doyoung hasn’t been the slightest interested in you up until last night. “Doie! Look at this, I drew you!” You cheer running over to the boy in his study. “Let’s take a look.” He stood in front of you, his eyes that told stories words couldn't, staring into your shiny orbs, piercing through you. He couldn’t help it, with your collar bones exposed with the large tee swallowing you whole.. You looked appetizing. So when his hand came in contact with your nape, leaning down, his mouth hovering over your neck, about to indulge he hears a whimper. “Doyoung..” He looks up to your frightened figure. However, you weren’t scared of him sucking a little blood out of you, just nervous of how close you were. “Doyoung. It’s okay...” You whispered your doe eyes staring right back at him. But he couldn’t, “I’m not a monster.”

These days Doyoung felt vulnerable around you. The once inhuman arrogant cursed prince acting as like another man. His crave and lust for blood sank and he desired something else, something more attainable at his end now; love. Though his love for you blossomed quickly he was insecure and full of doubt when it comes to confessing. The world seems to be on his side when the two love birds are together, fooling around, but once the tension grew his courage flees the scene. Weeks turned into months with this unbearable love for you; he no longer lusts for your friendship, he needs more. 

You sat on the edge of the king sized bed, gazing out the bay window that peered into the land. Stars shining over top the night sky, appearing like magic at each sunset. Sipping onto the last bit of hot chocolate in your mug you change into a silk night dress Doyoung has purchased for you, since he thought you should have a new wardrobe now that you live with him. Back hitting against the soft mattress you wrap yourself in the thick duvet, closing your eyes to think.

My friendship with Doyoung has really come far these past few nights. Just the other night he cooked me breakfast in bed, which was really thoughtful of him. His egoistic personality fading into a tenderhearted man. Under all the layers from his saddening past, becoming a monster from the storybooks, to his prince status. He was a normal guy. I know he wants to flee this wretched castle and run back home, though he fears what he capable of. How he could hurt his people, or worse, his family. The sinister persona taking over him that cut his bond from Jaehyun. Oh But past all this is a man... You love.

The door creaks and you noticed a disheveled Doyoung enter the room. Must have been up in the study racing his minds to wonder, you believe. “Hey you.” You chirp, to sit up on the bed unknowingly a strap falls from your shoulder exposing your collarbone. “Hello Y/N.” The reply was dry and nonchalant about. But all worries ended when he hops into the bed curling up into himself gathering warmth. You don’t know why but your heart skipped a beat when you glanced over at him, catching his stare up at you. You huff playfully before relaxing into the sheets. The two of you could’ve easily split rooms and been on your way but there was an urge for you to stay in his suite. Maybe it was the thirst to find out who he really was, and why his path was this rough... Or it was because ever since you met at the chambers, your heart always raced around him; no matter the occasion. The room was quiet, sitting in a comfortable silence, both of you awake. Should you tell him? Is this too quick? Were you ready? The questions spring around your mind for a couple seconds before being interrupted by a pleasant surprise. 

Doyoung’s hand makes it’s way to reach yours. The ice-cold finger tips, tracing over your hand. Skinship wasn’t rare but it was never making you consider he felt the same way. Intertwining your hands you turn to face him, to notice he was already looking at you. He wants to confess, he will confess. His mouth opens to speak, but quickly silenced with a pair of soft lips crashing onto him. Knowing his difficulty with words, actions seemed to have spoken better than them. His lips were warm and the taste of bourbon stung your tongue gracefully. Doyoung moves his hands from yours to rest on the back of your neck, pulling you closer to him. You two break apart for air, hesitantly looking at one another. Though his eyes told multiple stories, all you felt as of now was lust and desire. Giving yourself up to him, or how people back home would say; popping the cherry. Lips crash together and it felt like you were walking on air. The way your lips connected with his, molding together like they belonged, his mouth was so warm compared to the rest of him. The small tug onto your lips erupting a quiet moan is what gets him started.

死

You awoke to arms barricading around you, keeping your bare body close. The morning light shining through the closed blinds creating a funky pattern on the duvet. Your hands drawing funny little shapes on Doyoung's bare chest. Last night sure was hectic, he's got a lot of stamina for someone who claimed to be tired. Doyoung lets out a whine, “So bright in here..” He groans, covering his face. It took a minute to register what was going on and why you were naked and in his arms, but relaxed when he follows up on what went down last night. He could freely express his love physically and verbally. “Oh my god, I love you.” He says ecstatic. You mumble ‘I love you too’ to him before he goes on yapping, “Mother was right.” He whispers, “She was right. You’re my peace. My key to a happy life.” A soft smile dances on your lips after hearing those words, he truly did love you... But because his mother told him so? “Your mother?” You inquire, but he’s quick to reply. “She told me to find peace in you; at first I doubting her sanity because you were quite annoying-” “Hey!” You slap his chest, however he defends himself. “But I can’t live without your chitter chatter now.” He expressed.

Doyoung combs his hair, you cleansing beside him. “You got tanner honey.” You say pinching his skin lightly. “I did?” His doe eyes looking into the mirror at his skin. Then panic arose, “Quick Y/N! Fetch me some blood.” He says while you blankly stare back at him. “You don’t have any blood.” He grabs your wrist. The veins visible. “I.. I don’t want blood.” A sardonic laugh escapes. “I have an idea” He said patting your head lovingly. What could he have in mind? You hum, signaling him to continue as you dry off. “Let’s get married.” If you saw yourself right now you probably would’ve been convinced that your jaw was touching the ground. Nonetheless, life is a risk. Why not? “Okay.” You replied, wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss. The once feared blood sucking monster, was now back to being an ordinary prince. “I heard my father didn’t let our poor little sister get married..” He whispers into your lips. “Two weddings have been cancelled, let’s help them out.” Grabbing your hand he leads you towards the east end of his castle. You never ventured out there, quite creepy if I do say so myself. Digging into an old box he pulls out an off the shoulder wedding gown with embroidery on her bodice. Rhinestones and pearl beads were sewn on the gown. "It's beautiful," You gasp in awe. "It was my mother's gown. I want you to wear it now." He said handing it over. “Bring it in hand, let’s get ready there. Our big day is tomorrow isn’t it?” He smirks, taking you in hand to walk down to the foyer. “I called someone for us.” “You did?” Just then, you two hear the neigh of a horse (or two) in the distance approaching. A carriage arrived on time to bring you two home. “I can’t believe we’re going home.” You start. “Does this mean we’re gonna stay there because I’d rather not actually.” The confession was vague but Doyoung knew where you were getting at. The privacy was amazing, and hearing the sound of birds in the early morning instead of villagers was a blessing. “Me too.” He replied, helping you on top of the carriage. 

And off you go.

Once you arrived you were surprised people recognized you, and the prince himself. Whispers and rumours already begun and you’ve barely made it through the main city. “There it is, our chapel.” You joke, pointing towards the castle, earning a little laugh from him. He was no longer a vampire, and it frightened you, was getting you to fall in love with him just to go back to normal his only goal? Or was he truly head over heels for you as you were for him. Many of actions reminded you of how he loved you. “Whoa did you see that? They just let us slip by..” He whispers to you after seeing the guards let you pass by happily. “It’s cause we live here,” You replied all giddy over his childish antics when it came to being home, he was thrilled. He quickly rushed towards the the throne room knowing his parents would be there and you rushed behind after setting the suitcases. “Mother! Father! I’ve come home!” He shouts in the still room. Gasps heard from various maids and guards. “I-I’ve found peace...” He pants. “Peace?” His father questioned, his mother correcting him, “He found love.” Doyoung shares a smile before walking up to the throne, “I’ve been gone for quite awhile, haven’t I?” He snickers before embracing his parents. “Brother?” A voice hollered through the room, follow by whispers. He turned to see his loving siblings. “Jaehyun...” Running towards him his smile fades. “I’m sorry,” The apology was wholehearted, from what Jaehyun knew; Doyoung was a loving brother. But all was false, back then he was a selfish beast, not caring once of who he hurt. Now, he was back and came work up from his mistakes. Jaehyun pulls his elder brother into a hug, as he sobbed quietly into his shoulder. 

The door opens to reveal a princess; you. “You all know Y/N.” Doyoung says, grabbing your hand. At first, you don’t realize Jaehyun there, but he makes himself known. “Yes, I was engaged to her not long ago.” Shivers ran down your spine, how could he be so cold and straightforward. Did he actually love you? The straight brooding face quickly curved into a grin, flashing his dimples. “I’m joking. You two actually look like your in love, Y/N and I looked like brothers.” Laughter erupts within the room everyone catching onto the joke one by one before silencing. Doyoung clears his throat “I will be marrying Princess Y/N and merging our kingdoms into one.” It was nice to see his father smile, it was rare. This was good news and it seems like all is working out for the two of you. “Very well, how does next week sound?” He said, watching you two nod eagerly.

死 

It’s been three hours since your vows have been exchanged, and you are now rocking a stone as large as your pupil on your wedding finger, while slowly being undressed by your husband. “Why is this thing so hard to take off,” He complained right as he gets the hang of it. Your lips molding with one another in perfect harmony. It's a slow process you want to enjoy, but most of all you want to pleasure your new husband. A gasp escapes your mouth feeling Doyoung gently lifts his hands up to palm your clothed core, the gentle rubbing before going underneath the thin material to your glistening folds. He hushed your with kiss going down your torso, til he reached right above your core. In a blink of an eye, you see yourself nude and legs sprawled out with Doyoung’s face between your legs. Licking a stripe between your folds, sucking gently on your clit. “So wet...” He murmurs under his breath, before diving in. If you thought your first time with Doyoung was hectic, you’re in for it tonight. Now hands tied behind your back by your own wedding veil you stuff your head into the pillow, screaming his name. “Oh my god! Oh my god! R-Right there! Harder!” You cry, curling your toes ass he thrusts into your core. Your hair bunched up into Doyoung’s fist, keeping you two steady as he penetrates into you. Coming close to your orgasm you arch your back in anticipation; this doesn’t go unnoticed. Doyoung comes forth, hot breath and groans loud and clear in your ear. Reaching down he finds your bud and rubs harshly onto it, feeling you clench around his length. A squeal leaves your mouth, “I’m cumming!” You cried, digging your face in the pillow. Just when you felt yourself relaxing into the pillow, you feel a hot liquid coat your pink walls and Doyoung pulling out

死

The sound of the kids playing rings in the background as you sip on a cup of coffee your husband, Doyoung brewed earlier this morning. He comes to sit beside you on the abandoned bench in the forest, memories flooding off our many escapes to this very bench as kids. His hand reaches to caress your pregnant belly. “Number three.” He said playfully as you slap his hand away, “His name is Taehyun, not Number three.” He chuckles, “A beautiful name from his beautiful mother.” Doyoung says, gently raking his fingers through your long locks of hair. “I love you so much,” He whispers, bringing his hand to your cheek before kissing the top of your nose. “I love you too I guess,” You shrug, covering your grin with the book you held. “Youjin and Minhyun are still in the garden, shall we go in...” His eyes trail the vicinity, before catching your kids who were sitting in a field of flowers. “Min! Jin! Me and your mother are going to head inside for a snack! Stay close!” He shouts over the kids who just send him a thumbs up. Eagerly, Doyoung stood up grabbing your hand pulling you gently towards the castle. “What a child,” You mumble before heading in.

© seostudios, 2020.

[litteriae]

Repost it, do not reblog.

tagged by : - tagging : steal it from me!

—    basics.

▸       is your muse tall    /    short    /    average ? shoichi stands at an average height for a boy his age. most of his life however, he was behind and shorter than his peers and it caused him some insecurities. 

▸       are they okay with their height ? after being short a majority of his adolescence, once he reached an appropriate / comfortable height he became alright with it. sure, he wishes he was a little taller but he’s more than happy with his current stature, given it was an insecurity in the past. 

▸      what’s their hair like ? navy black ( with faint blue tints ) it’s on the short-medium side, enough for a mini tail, and is very voluminous. super soft too!

▸     do they spend a  lot of time on their hair     /    grooming ? as a teenager shoichi’s “bedhead” was an iconic, well-known look. he has very fluffy hair and strands were almost always sticking out. now, his hair turns more wavy-like and mature as he grows older. he goes for haircuts semi-often now. it’s far cleaner and shorter in the back as an adult as well. 

▸      does your muse care about their appearance   /   what others think ? yes, because shoichi doesn’t think very highly of himself his impression on others is very important to him. he doesn’t like to  stand out, but he always makes sure he is presentable. it’s not to the levels of obsessions ( as his self esteem honestly improves over the years ) but he does care whether or not he looks presentable or not. 

—    preferences.

▸ indoors    or    outdoors ?  outdoors!  ▸      rain    or    sunshine ?   sunshine! He enjoys feeling the warmth of the sun on his skin. ▸      forest    or    beach ?  beach! he loves the ocean. ▸      precious    metals    or    gems ?  both ▸     flowers    or    perfumes ? flowers. ▸      personality    or    appearance ?  personality. he’s not one to really judge on appearances, though it is something he’s conscious about for himself. ▸      being    alone    or    being    in    a    crowd ?  both in moderation. ▸      order    or    anarchy ? order.  ▸     painful    truths    or    white    lies ? painful truth.  ▸      science    or    magic ?  science. but he enjoys fantasy elements.  ▸      peace    or    conflict ?  peace.  ▸      night    or    day ?  night, so he can settle down for the evening and have a little time for himself.  ▸      dusk    or    dawn ?  dusk! he loves the shade of oranges and blues fading into the night. ▸      warmth    or    cold ? warmth.  ▸      many   acquaintances    or    a    few   close    friends ?  a few close friends. ▸      reading    or    playing    a    game ? he’s a little nerd so both. he owns many different books ( manga, novels, etc. ) and a collection of new and retro games. 

—    questionnaire.

▸      what are some of your muse’s bad habits ? shoichi has self-deprecating tendencies. he doesn’t give himself nearly enough credit as he should. when he was younger, he had the habit of putting himself down for the sake of others or just in a joking manner.  this is due to his older brother’s mental abuse, as he was constantly putting him down. and ( unintentionally ) from his parents comparing him to masaru, wanting their son to reach heights just as he had. 

▸      has your muse lost anyone close to them ? how has it affected them ? for awhile he and his childhood best friend, kaoru, lost touch. it was a hard time in his life, moving away to a new town with no other friends. he relies a great deal on kaoru after all, so the move was extremely hard on him, even as he made new friends in high school, life just wasn’t the same without her. like a piece was missing. at a young age his grandfather ( from his father’s side ) passed away. he was too young to really remember him, but he recalls it being very upsetting and emotional for his dad, so he’s turned off by funerals, but attends them if necessary. 

▸      what are some fond memories your muse has ? he has many fond memories with his mother and father, and little sisters, even some old ones with his older brother, masaru. he shares many good memories with kaoru, his best friend and eventual girlfriend, as well ( one of them being their first date and making it official as a couple. ) and despite it being tough at first he has fond memories of his high-school as well, where he managed to grow his character. 

▸     is it easy for your muse to kill ? no. it doesn’t matter how angry the person might of made him, how much they hurt him, shoichi isn’t capable of that sort of thing and he doesn’t like to think about it, either. in other verses its still not easy for him, but, he would do whatever it takes to survive himself. 

▸      what’s it like when your muse breaks down ? it’s not pretty at all. shoichi tends to wear a pretty good poker face, so it’s hard to tell if he’s just having a bad day or something worse is at work. he’s the type to hold it all inside and try take care of it himself, until he’s ready to burst, as he hates to burden people. and when he does, his personality turns the complete opposite. shoichi gets irrationally snappy, demands space, and doesn’t let anyone touch him ( with the exception of a few loved ones. ) it takes a lot of emotional abuse and stress for him to reach a complete break down. and after its done, he’s very ashamed of himself for the outburst and tries to put distant between him and the person who might’ve witnessed first hand, whether it a friend or family member the reaction is the same.

▸      is your muse capable of trusting someone with their life ? it would take a great deal of trust but yes, he would be capable. 

▸      what’s your muse like when they’re in love ? when shoichi’s in love that person occupies his thoughts. he finds himself wanting to be better from the influence of that person. he tends to be more open, smiles more around the person he likes, and is very thoughtful of their likes and hobbies. he wants to know how to make them smile and happy just like he is. he’ll want to know more about them. most of the time he doesn’t realize his own feelings are romantic till much later. he’s not one to initiate the lead often, but, if the two were close enough he’d attempt to confess his feelings.

[adrienaline-rushed-art]

Piece of Cake

Rating: T

Words: 4,349

Genre: Fluff/Romance

Chapters: 1/2

Summary:  Already the second semester of University and Marinette STILL hasn't confessed to Adrien. But Valentine's Day is coming up and it's about time she did.

ao3 fanfic (seriously can someone tell me how to keep italics when pasting here?)

Marinette bit her lip. She was older now, more sophisticated. She’s known him for five years, there should be no trouble talking like a normal human being. In fact, she’d been doing pretty well the first semester. Normal conversations and a knowledge of exactly which jokes made him laugh had developed over time. Now that, if anything, was a fully equipped girl. So then why wouldn’t her heartbeat behave?

After multiple large gulps of water from the bottle in her purse, clutches at her sweater (or checking for loose threads and lint as she liked to call it), three attempts of unlocking her phone to absently rearrange the apps, and a fifth re-appliance of lipgloss, she still felt like she couldn't breathe. Of course, Alya grinning at her from across the table wasn’t helping either.

“Alya, please!” Marinette wanted to tug at her hair, but stopped when she remembered she’d mess up her low double buns.

Alya hummed, “So…”

Marinette went for another sip of water and whimpered at the empty container, deciding to allow a last tiny droplet trail its way to her tongue.

“Every year you make the same promise. It’s that time again… tomorrow is Valentines’ Day-”

“AAuuuuggh,” Marinette put her head on the table and knocked against it a few times.

“This had better be the year-”

“AAAaaah- bettybotterboughtsomebutterbutshesaidthe-”

“-You ask Adrien out. Mari, no matter how much your perfect recitation of a simple American tongue twister has impressed me in the past it’s not gonna help you now. I’m your best friend so I give you the real talk you need,” Alya paused to pet the hair of the strange brunette in front of her pretending to sob, “It’s time girl, you need to show him what he’s been missing. Oh, speak of the devil.”

What sounded like a hybrid between a gasp and a choking seagull escaped Marinette as she quickly sat up. Faking an adjustment to the back of her sweater, she stole a glance behind her. There he was, walking towards her and smiling as he looked her dead in the eye. Or at least it looked that way from the distance.

Alya leaned forward and whispered, “Just imagine, you telling him you love him tomorrow over a candlelit dinner. Wouldn’t you love to see his face all flushed?”

“Alya, that sounds like you’re talking about something entirely different,” Nino finally cut in, nudging his elbow into her side.

“Who says I didn’t mean it that way?” Alya winked.

Marinette laughed a little too loudly, “Ssstooopp,” But don’t stop.

Just the thought of the beautiful fantasy Alya had painted made Marinette’s eyes sparkle and her heart melt. Before anyone could stop her she had gone into full ‘heart-eyes mode’ and watched every step Adrien made through the crowded food court, failing to notice someone following him.

“Not again… of course she would tag along today. Chloe would never let Adrien walk alone when at any minute someone could ask him out,” Alya rolled her eyes.

Nino sighed, “Does she even attend this university?”

“No, of course not. She follows him because she has nothing better to do. Sabrina’s in uni as well, Chloe is apparently taking a gap year. God, what a handful she is.”

“I know, he is handsome~” Marinette propped her elbow on the table and rested her chin in her palm.

“Snap out of it, Shortcake, you’re gonna screw yourself again,” Nino chuckled.

“Nino! You know she hated when you gave her the ‘Strawberry Shortcake’ nickname!”

“I know, I thought I’d annoy her out of her dreamland,” Nino winced as Marinette swooned, “It didn’t work.”

“Hey, guys!” Adrien started to take his coat off as he glanced at the open seat next to Marinette.

Before he could take a step closer, Chloe pulled him over to the opposite side of the table, “You didn’t tell me the fashion disaster would be here.”

Adrien’s smile faded, “I didn’t need to, Chlo. Besides, you knew she went to this university.”

Chloe groaned, “Why do you even go to school with this same old group of idiots. What business do you have in an art school anyway? Aren’t you going to take over your father’s business?”

Marinette smiled and didn’t take her eyes off Adrien for a second, “I thought you were his best friend, Chlo, shouldn’t you know he’s double majoring in dance and drama?”

“Of course, I knew!” Chloe blushed, “I meant why would he go to this art school. It’s so… cheap.”

Alya laid her hand over her heart, “I know. Bless.”

Adrien pinched the bridge of his nose, “Look, if you’re going to be rude, you should go home. Besides, I’m sure you don’t want any of this ‘poor people food’.”

Nino smiled, “Mmm, man, I’m craving some pizza…”

“Ew, how can you live with yourself? Fine, I’m out of here.”

As she turned, Chloe heard Marinette giggle. Adrien was looking at her.

Chloe leaned on the table and glared at Marinette, snarling, “I loathe you, Marinette.”

Without missing a beat, and a still steady gaze into Adrien’s eyes, “I love you.”

Adrien’s eyes widened.

Marinette’s face dropped, “I said that out loud…”

“You said that out loud!” Alya squealed.

A strained squeak seemed to come from Adrien as his face became redder and redder.

Chloe growled and practically had steam blowing from her ears. Surprisingly, all she could do was storm away.

Nino came around the table and pushed a very dazed Adrien to his seat and gave him a pat on the shoulder, “Well, now that the formalities are out of the way. I guess we won’t be needing to convince you to go to a Valentines’ double date with us tomorrow?”

* * *

“Alright, I guess this is our stop,” Alya grabbed Marinette’s hand and started towards the dorm. She let Marinette continue and she stopped short, turning towards Nino, “Thanks for walking us, you dork.”

Nino shared a quick kiss with Alya before giving her hand a squeeze, “You know I couldn’t let a beautiful girl walk alone when at any minute someone could ask her out. The day before Valentines’ and all…”

Alya snorted, “I wouldn’t be alone, I’d have Marinette with me.”

Nino scratched his chin and pretended to look into the distance in deep thought, “Oh, right. Because two beautiful girls definitely won’t get hit on.”

“Ah,” Alya raised a finger, “Two beautiful girls who look like they’re dating. Come on, we both know how good we look together.”

Nino shook his head and smiled, not saying another word because she had a point.

Alya took a step towards the door again but turned around again, pointing a finger at Adrien, “Remember what I told you,” her eyes shifted between Adrien and the phone in his hand and nodded pointedly.

Adrien nodded back. Alya grinned and scratched his chin, “I’ll text you.”

Nino raised his hands in protest, “What about me?”

“Oh no, don’t worry, you don’t need me to text you. You aren’t an idiot.”

Adrien huffed. Alya stuck her tongue out and wiggled her fingers in the air, “See you.”

Alya finally went inside, leaving the two young men stunned.

“What was that about?” Nino wrapped an arm around Adrien and started walking to their dorm.

“Oh, it’s nothing…” Adrien sighed.

“Nervous about tomorrow?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“I don’t see the big deal, you two have been single and confused for five years, doesn’t hurt to give her a chance.”

Adrien shook his head, “It’s not that, not at all. I’d love to out with Marinette… the thing is, no one’s ever said that to me. Well, not in a long time anyway.”

“What? Oh, you mean when she said she loved you?”

Adrien coughed loudly.

“Yeah, I hear you. You don’t know how heavy that word is until you hear it. There are a lot of four-letter words said to be strong, but that one’s the strongest.”

Adrien turned his head away and looked at his shoulder, watching Nino’s hand shift.

“Hey,” Nino rubbed Adrien’s arm, “what’d you mean by no one ever saying that to you before?”

Adrien shrugged, “That’s just it. I literally haven’t heard it from anyone.”

“Well… I’m sure plenty of fangirls have said it to you.”

“You know what I meant. Like, say it, say it. The way fans scream that they love you, it’s easy. The same way they love me is the way I love a chocolate croissant.”

Nino furrowed his eyebrows, “They sob as they take a bite and you gush all over them? Wow… you have a secret life you aren’t telling me about.”

Adrien gave him a pathetic look. Nino stopped smiling, “Sorry, not the time. But… I mean you can’t really mean never, right?”

“Last time I heard it was from my mom, and well…”

There was silence for a few minutes.

Nino pursed his lips, “You know, that doesn’t mean no one feels that way. As much as he pisses me off, I’m sure your dad cares about you-”

“OTP!” someone shouted as soon as Adrien and Nino walked into their dorm lobby, Nino’s arm still around Adrien’s shoulders.

Nino laughed, “Hey, Lucas!”

Waiting till they were in the elevator and the doors had closed, Nino turned to Adrien again, “I mean, if it makes you feel any better, it’s pretty uncommon for any father to say that directly to their son.”

Adrien closed his eyes, “Caring is different from loving.”

Nino went quiet again. The elevator stopped at their floor, and they walked to their room.

Nino shut the door and caught Adrien’s hand before he could walk away, “Hey, well… you deserve to hear it more. I love you, Adrien.”

Adrien whimpered. Nino kissed his forehead and brought him into a tight hug.

“I love you too,” Adrien snuggled into Nino’s chest.

Adrien’s phone buzzed in his pocket, “That must be Alya.”

“Dude, I’m sorry she’s dragging you into her schemes.”

Adrien stepped away from Nino and plopped down in the desk chair, “It doesn’t bother me, if anything at least I know what to do to make Marinette happy.”

“You’ll make her happy by being there.”

“Well…” Adrien blushed, “I hope so. Oh, she even has a favorite cologne.”

“What? Marinette? Why would she have a favorite cologne… she’s never been interested in anyone else but you.”

Adrien looked up from his phone, “What’d you just say?”

“Ah, sorry, it’s not my place to say that. Forget I said anything. What’s the cologne anyway?”

“Alya says she’s double checking, still typing… oh… I already have that one. It’s called Escentric Molecules.”

Nino burst into laughter, “Bro… I’m sorry but… that sounds like the pocket protector of colognes.”

“I know it sounds dumb - or too smart - but it’s actually really special. I’ve only worn it once…”

“Oh? So you have dated without telling me,” Nino crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.

Adrien rubbed his neck, “Or tried to date anyway. I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. Sorry.”

Nino tilted his head, “No problem, just messing with you. So, mind if I take a whiff of this famous cologne.”

“Sure, but you’ll have to wear it to smell it. It’s unique because it reacts to you, so only you can smell a particular way,” Adrien stood up and started to rummage through his dresser.

Nino squinted, “That means there’s no certainty Marinette will still like it on you.”

Adrien froze, “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Relax, I’m still teasing. Man, you really are nervous. Trust me she wouldn’t care if you smelled like sewage.”

“I DON’T WANT TO SMELL LIKE SEWAGE!”

Nino smacked his forehead.

Adrien grabbed his towel hurried to the door, “I’m gonna take a shower.”

* * *

“Mari…”

Marinette groaned from inside the blanket cocoon she had created.

“Marinette…”

The cocoon shuffled and inched its way along the bed, far away from the annoying call. Marinette tensed as she heard feet treading around the bed followed by silence.

“THERE SHE IS! AH HA HA!” Alya tugged the blanket away in one swift movement and revealed her little flower princess. Alya jumped onto the bed and hugged Marinette from behind, “YOU’RE FINALLY GOING ON A DATE WITH ADRIEN TOMORROW AAAAAAHH!!”

Marinette danced in Alya’s arms, “This can’t be real!”

Alya leaned in and rested her cheek against Marinette’s, “But it iiiiiss,” she sang, tickling Marinette’s stomach, which peeked out from under her pjs.

The two of them calmed down and lied peacefully with wide smiles on their faces.

Alya put her hand on Marinette’s hip, “It’s finally happening.” She turned her head and smirked down at her best friend, “so wanna practice kissing?”

Marinette blushed into her hands, “Alyaaa!”

“I’ll show you the basics… or more if you want~”

Marinette giggled, “Oh. EEeeek, leggo!”

Alya bit down on Marinette’s ear, “How’s this? Should I write any of this down to tell Adrien?”

“No- AHAHA- nonono- hahahaa!”

“I’ll call him now… Adrien? Yeah, your girl likes to be stroked on the thigh, especially under the table in a public restaurant it really turns her on.”

“PPPPffff, nnoooo,” Marinette gasped for air as she tried to stop laughing, “Don’t tell him that!”

“Oh? Mlle Dupain-Cheng - or should I say - Mme. Agreste-”

Marinette squealed.

“Would you like to tell me what I should tell Adrien? What do you like? Hmm~”

“Uuuhh… I like… no love… my… best friend, Alya!”

“Awww,” Alya planted multiple pecks to Marinette’s face, “But that won’t do, what do you want him to do to you?”

“Mmmm, kiss me?”

“Ugh,” Alya pushed away from Marinette, “You’re so boring,” she reached over and stroked her face, “But pure.”

Alya rolled over to her twin bed, which had been pushed up against Marinette’s, “Night.”

“Goodnight, Alya.”

“Ssslllleeeeepp.”

“Sweet dreams.”

“Have sweet dreams about Adrien~”

“I will~”

“...”

“Ok to be honest I might like if one of his famously long showers was with me-”

“Mari, oh my God! I knew it.”

  * * *

Nino was the first to be in the meeting spot. After a day of classes that just couldn’t be canceled for love, they all had to come on their own. Nino’s classes ended a bit sooner, he’d gone to the dorm and gotten ready, and in no time he was all set an hour ahead of time. And after deciding to use the spare time to get some homework done, he instead listened to his playlist while staring at his homework. He had no idea how forty-five minutes could have possibly gone by, but regardless he made his way towards the cafe they had agreed on.

“You’re here early.”

Nino whipped his head around to find Marinette leaning on the wall next to him, “So are you.”

“Well, I thought I was, but you’re even earlier than early.”

“Couldn’t help being early,” he grinned, “never could, never will.”

“That’s sweet of you,” Marinette hugged Nino’s arm, “I never knew you were the romantic  type.”

“Ah, no I can’t help being early because Alya’s always late,” Nino winked.

Marinette poked Nino’s side, “Somehow I doubt that’s all there is to it.”

Nino rolled his eyes and chuckled, “Whatever. So… nervous? Excited?”

Marinette wiped her sweaty hands on her coat for the third time in a row, “Ha! How could you tell?”

“Man, you two really are perfect for each other,” Nino patted Marinette head, “you’ll be fine, he’s been looking forward to this.”

Marinette pursed her lips, “You don’t think I scared him? Throwing ‘love’ in his face?”

“Ohh no, of course not. Trust me, he took what you said to heart. I think you made him really happy.”

Marinette blushed. She couldn’t quite wrap her head around the idea, but making him feel happy felt amazing, it was all she wanted. To love him, and make sure he knew it.

“Hey, you know,” Marinette looked him over, “You look really nice.”

Nino looked down at himself as though he couldn’t remember what he was wearing. He wore a light gray cowl-neck sweater with a dark gray blazer and slim dress pants. He felt it was a comfortable fit between casual and formal.

“Thanks, you too, but what else is new?”

Marinette looked just the right combination of flirty and delicate; a white turtleneck crop top with a black leather jacket, a dusty rose high-waisted skirt, and black heels.

She smiled, “Aw, what a charmer. So… have you ever gone out without your glasses?”

“No-”

“You should try it!” Marinette reached up and snatched Nino’s glasses, “Ooohhh myy… look at you. Right when you thought he couldn’t get any better, 10/10 upgraded to 20/10!”

“Gee, thanks, I can’t see,” Nino squinted.

“Meh, love is blind.”

“Marinette!”

“I’ll just put them in my clutch.”

“Give them back…” Nino lunged towards Marinette’s coat pocket.

She giggled and twisted out of his reach. Nino grabbed her waist with one hand and reached around with the other, earning him a slap on the wrist.

“Give it…” Nino had a grip on her purse and tried to pull her hand off of it, “Oh, yeah? You wanna play this game? Shortcake?”

“Eewwwww,” Marinette cringed, but kept her hand firmly in place.

“Hmm, why do you hate being called Shortcake so much? Is it because you hate being called short?”

“I don’t know! It’s just… weird.”

“Would it still be weird if, say, Adrien called you that?”

Marinette flinched, “A-Adrien?”

“Aha!” Nino took his opening and grabbed his glasses back.

“You two are early.”

They both looked at Alya, watching in amusement, Adrien just behind her.

Nino smiled. His dimples suddenly challenged by the twinkle in his eyes, perfectly accented by the sunset’s reds and yellows. His face was glowing and desperate to be smothered in kisses.

Alya bit her lip and cocked an eyebrow, “Can you even see?”

“No,” Nino frowned at Marinette.

“But doesn’t he look great?” Marinette pinched his cheek.

Alya nodded subtly, “Please, I’ve seen him without his glasses before, among other things.”

“Alya, someone might misunderstand!”

“Well, I don’t plan to keep that a misunderstanding for long~”

Nino choked for a moment and hastily put his glasses back on.

“So, shall we get going?” Alya offered a hand for Nino to grab.

“Oh, right. Adrien,” Nino gestured to Marinette with a sly grin, he lowered his voice to a whisper, “This is your date; Shortcake.”

Adrien blinked, “Oh…” he walked up to Marinette after Alya nudged him. Adrien took Marinette’s hand and kissed her knuckles, “Hey, Shortcake.”

Marinette wheezed, “Ahahaha hi… um… Muffin?”

Adrien winced, “Sorry, was the name weird? Nino said-”

“Anyway, let’s go!” Nino waved them over and started walking, “I’m starving.”

Adrien looked at Marinette with a lopsided smile and offered his hand. Marinette swallowed visibly, taking his hand with an awkward laugh. They jogged to catch up with their friends, ending up taking the whole sidewalk while walking side by side.

Alya side-eyed Adrien and whispered, “Did you bring her anything?”

Adrien lifted a finger to his smiling lips, “Later.”

* * *

Outside of the restaurant, Adrien stopped outside the entrance and turned to Marinette. He reached into his overcoat and pulled out a folded square of tissue paper.

“Marinette,” he unfolded the paper and revealed a flower crown, “I made this for you. I figured I’d get you a bouquet, but I couldn’t decide on one. You’re the most beautiful flower, you can be the bouquet.”

The crown was made with peach, red, light pink, and dark red miniature roses. Adrien stroked Marinette’s hair - half up in a woven braid - and gently settled the crown on her head. Marinette smiled shyly and covered her mouth. She couldn’t even look up at Adrien now, she was redder than the scarf around his neck.

“Thank you- I mean- no, yes that’s what I meant… eheheh,” Marinette covered her entire face.

Adrien took hold of her wrist, leaning down to peer into an opening in between her fingers where her eye blinked back at him. Eventually, she let him pull her hands away; he lifted her chin and waited for her to return his gaze.

“I forgot, I never asked… will you be my Valentine, Marinette?”

Marinette bit her lip and smiled down at her toes, “Ye-”

“Look at me, Princess,” Adrien chuckled.

Marinette squeaked, looking back into Adrien’s eyes, “Y-yes.”

“Are we going inside or what?” Alya brought them out of their daze.

Adrien and Marinette giggled nervously, hurrying into the restaurant ahead of Alya and Nino.

“Why do I feel like I just watched a marriage proposal. Although, that last part made me feel like I shouldn’t have been watching that,” Nino put his arm around Alya and walked her through the doors.

“It practically was a proposal,” Alya pretended to dry her tears, “they’re growing up so fast.”

After following the waiter to their booth, Alya removed her white princess coat, revealing her red, off the shoulder sheath dress. It had a split neck and an asymmetrical hem and hugged her curves perfectly-

Nino coughed, “Uh, I have to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.”

“S-same here!” Marinette rushed alongside Nino.

Alya sat down across from Adrien, “So, you’re a lot more romantic than I thought you were.”

“Ah, thanks,” Adrien glanced over to the restrooms, “but I hope I didn’t upset her.”

Alya snorted, “Are you kidding? She’s over the moon. You were amazing. God, if it were me I’d pull you into the family restroom and jump you right then and there.”

“Oh…” Adrien blushed, “Well, you weren’t so bad yourself.”

Alya cocked an eyebrow.

Adrien leaned forward, “I mean, you didn’t even have to say anything… you just slipped out of your coat. You say you’d pull me into the bathroom? I’d race you there.”

Alya’s jaw dropped in amusement, “Adrien Agreste, are you flirting with me?”

Adrien circled a finger around the rim of his cup of water, “Sorry, people constantly get confused and mistake small talk for flirting. Didn’t mean to lead you on.”

“Ha,” Alya squinted at him, “smartass.”

She kicked him in the shin, then ran the tip of her shoe along his calf, “You're such a sly little shit, you know that?”

Adrien rubbed his leg, “I do now.”

“Tch,” Alya rolled her eyes.

Nino and Marinette returned together.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Marinette scooted next to Adrien.

Nino looked at the four waters and menus on the table, “Did you guys order yet?”

“Nope, waiter left these a second ago,” Adrien lifted the menu and started looking through it.

“Order soon I want to have time after this,” Alya passed a menu to Marinette, “I have something planned.”

        * **

Alya waved goodbye to Adrien and Marinette. They’d agreed to split up and enjoy the Valentines’ fair as couples. The problem was, they didn’t know where to start. There were karaoke rooms, boat rides, compatibility games, rides, artist booths, clothing and jewelry booths, and all sorts of activities.

“Are photo booths bad reminders to you or…?” Marinette turned to Adrien after looking around.

Adrien laughed, “No, but to be honest, I haven’t really been in one.”

Marinette raised her eyebrows, “Seriously?” she glanced back at the photo booths, “well…”

“Let’s go! If you want?” He squeezed her hand.

Before she could overthink things, Adrien ran and pulled her along into the first booth.

“What kind of pictures do we take?” Adrien pushed a couple euros into the slot and blinked up at the bright screen.

“Whatever we want, just improvise.”

The first countdown started and Adrien did the first thing that came to mind; teasing.

He lifted his hand over Marinette’s head, palm facing down. She looked up at it and growled. For the next picture, she already had Adrien by the scarf, lowered down to her eye level so she could glare at him.

He stuck out his tongue and licked her nose, she attacked him and he looked genuinely afraid, she tickled him, he tickled her back, he sat on her lap, she pinched his butt and captured the best face she’d ever seen him pull. They continued to make faces and crazy poses - Marinette allowed one anime pose and immediately regretted it - until the last photo. Adrien leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, her smile seemed to glow.

They wandered around aimlessly while talking about the photos. Anyone who walks around like that gets noticed.

“Excuse me, mademoiselle.”

Marinette blinked up at the man sticking a small paper in her face.

“Would you like to put your names in for a chance to win a prize? It’s free as long as you fill this out,” he continued.

“Uhhh,” Marinette looked over to Adrien, who had just noticed what was going on.

“What’s the matter?” Adrien stepped closer to the sweepstake host.

“I was just telling your girlfriend-”

They both blushed.

“-That it’s completely free to enter for a prize, what do you say?”

“Um,” Adrien looked at Marinette, who shrugged in response, “I guess it doesn’t hurt.”

“Of course, not! Excellent, here just fill this out,” the host handed them the paper and a pen and waited for them to write their names, phone numbers, and emails.

He walked away with the paper and stood up on the stage upfront, “Ok, everyone! I think it’s due time for another draw!”

The crowd cheered.

“Let’s see who are next winners are!” The host looked over to the woman who had been entering names into a computer. She lifted an ok sign and a couple of names spun onto the screen.

“I don’t believe it, what a lucky couple, Marinette and Adrien - Sandrine, what have they won?”

An animated prize wheel popped up on screen and slowed to a stop. “Three nights at Le Narcisse Blanc spa hotel! Incredible, it must be meant to be! Congratulations.”

Adrien and Marinette couldn’t hear the applause of the audience, they just stood there, petrified. As they finally looked at each other, they both wondered the same thing; what was Alya going to say?

[aros001]

First time read through light novel vol. 15. Random thoughts.

No waiting! Door's open! Car's ready! Let's go!

Oh, and just as an added note, I have not yet watched any of the second half of season 2. I wanted to wait until after I'd read this volume, which I believe is the first time I've ever avoided watching episodes of a TV series so that I wouldn't be spoiled on what happens in the book it's based on.

The greatest asset they had—Garfiel—was almost certainly already engaging the main threat—Elsa. Both possessed superhuman strength, so they could be considered evenly matched—or at least, Subaru hoped so. He couldn’t be certain.

It does occur to me that Subaru probably wouldn't be the best for judging people's relative power levels. He's met plenty of powerful people in this world; Elsa, Reinhard, Puck, Julius, Petelgeuse, Roswaal, Garfiel, etc. But the thing is they all completely dwarf him in power, to the point that on an even playing field he wouldn't even be able to put up a fight. Yes, Garfiel could be an even match for Elsa...but I could also see Subaru thinking the same about Frederica and she was way outmatched by Elsa. All Subaru was going off of was that Frederica was stronger than him in a way he could never naturally obtain himself and so is Elsa, so he immediately conflates the two in his mind as equal strength, simply because he's so low all the bars above him look like they're overlapping.

“Truly...it would have been better if Betty were simply a book.”

Unable to indulge in even fleeting fantasy, Beatrice confessed her sad, painful wish.

If only she could be a doll without a heart, a storybook unshaken by the passage of time, then she wouldn’t have to suffer.

Ironically, though books themselves can't suffer, they can certainly cause suffering, both in the meta sense with what Re:Zero puts its characters through and the audience along with it, and the literal sense with how the books of knowledge and their prophecies are ruining Beatrice and Roswaal's lives but they can't bring themselves to give them up.

“Even if it’s only within Roswaal’s book of knowledge, the fact that Betty has been recorded... Does that mean Mother has not forgotten about her daughter, I wonder?”

Though there's something to be said about those who wrote the books too causing the suffering. Again, both meta and literal.

“O-of course I thought about it! Betty tried checking if there was anything on these blank pages again and again...but nothing ever changed!”

“That’s why you’re an idiot! What about trying to heat them to see if anything was written in invisible ink?! These days, no one falls for that trick anymore, even when it’s a novelty New Year’s card! Consider some more possibilities, would you?!”

...

“Like what if your mother messed up and gave you the wrong book by mistake?!”

“Huh...?”

The latest theory Subaru proposed was so haphazard that Beatrice didn’t even know how to respond. That surprise quickly gave way to anger as Beatrice’s ire only grew.

“Do you intend to insult Mother, I wonder?! Mother would never make such a stupid mista—”

“Can you say for sure it absolutely couldn’t happen? You don’t have even the slightest doubt? Are you so certain the only possible explanation is that your mother deliberately handed her own daughter a book with nothing but blank pages?”

Subaru used fallacies and questionable logic to massage and obfuscate the truth.

Subaru's become kind of an expert on dragging people down to his level, hasn't he? Rem, Roswaal, Emilia, Garfiel. Now Beatrice. Also, he just keeps digging himself deeper against Echidna. First he rejects her in favor of Satella, then vandalizes her tomb by carving love letters into its walls, then he makes out with Emilia inside her tomb, and now his basically insulting her intelligence to her daughter. If they ever meet again I suspect Echidna might just try and drown Subaru in her tea instead of offering him any.

“M-Mother surely would never make such a mistake. I-is that not obvious, I wonder? This is Mother we’re talking about! Would you doubt your own mother’s words?!”

“Of course I would! The times I can trust her don’t come along all that often! My mom’s the same person who heard a report about a satellite falling into ‘the atmosphere’ and somehow thought it was ‘Aichi Prefecture.’ I stopped believing any news that came from her mouth after that! It’d be mega-embarrassing if I spread around something that stupid again!”

It was impossible to forget how he’d been mocked by his classmates and neighbors for taking that story seriously and sharing it with everyone. To top it all off, the original culprit herself forgot she had started the whole thing and even asked him, Why on earth did you tell people that?

I kind of love this, especially after Subaru's trial showed just how loving, kind, and supportive Subaru's parents are. This series makes a point of saying that good doesn't mean perfect, and that's okay. People are naturally going to have flaws and shortcomings and that there's nothing wrong with that, so long as those flaws aren't toxic or harmful to others or themselves. Nothing about Subaru's mom being an idiot who too quickly buys into click-bait sensationalist news keeps her from being the woman who saw him off to school and was supportive even after his long absences.

Emilia's Unknowable Present trial, getting to live a life with Fortuna and Geuse like Pandora and Regulus never came to their village, reminds me a lot of what the Black Mercy plant showed Superman when it got attached him, namely getting to live a life in a world where Krypton never exploded and thus he was raised by his birth parents and even started a family himself on Krypton. The plant feeds you a hallucination of your heart's deepest desire as it in turn feeds on you, and the only way to escape it is to basically give up everything you've ever wanted. For Clark, that was his son, who was as real to him as his actual child could be.

Interestingly, though the story is similar with both Emilia and Superman rejecting the fake world in favor of the real one, the state they're left in afterwards is very different. For Emilia, her resolve is strengthened and her feelings for everyone still frozen have only grown deeper, while for Superman he flies into a rage at the villain who put him under the Black Mercy, and once that fades he's just left with sorrow over what he lost. I suppose a cause for big difference is that Emilia can, in theory, get back at least some of what she's lost. Not Fortuna and Geuse because, well, they're kind of dead, but the other villagers she can save from the ice. Emilia's escape from the fake world wasn't just accepting what she'd lost but also a push for her to stop hiding behind the protections of everyone in her life, including her own, and actually face the world. She has a goal she can work towards to find strength in. For Superman it was meant to be just a straight tragedy.

“—Why do you desire a future that will hurt you so much?”

“I don’t want to be hurt. I’m searching for a future where I don’t have to be hurt, where I don’t have to run, hide, or push things away, where I can hold hands with others.”

“And the wounds you suffer? The pain? What you have lost will never return. Will you search for such a thing even so?”

“ ___”

Even Emilia had thought of what it would be like to have no one think of her as detestable. Many times over, she’d wanted to cast all the pain and suffering by the wayside.

The earnestness in Archi’s words gently and deeply touched upon scars that covered Emilia’s weak heart.

“...I want people to think I look cool.”

...

“I want to be like Mom, who I look up to so much. I want to be gentle and strong, like Geuse. I want to be like Granny Tanse and the others, who were never mean to me even once. I want to be like Archi, who smiled to the very, very end so that I wouldn’t get scared.”

“___ ”

“I want to be like Puck, who kept protecting me so I wouldn’t be alone. I want to be like Ram, who wants to work harder than anyone else for the person she holds dearest. I want to be like Otto, doing his utmost for the sake of his friend. I want to be like Garfiel, who refuses to speak one timid word or complaint.”

“Emilia...”

“And I want to be like Subaru, who suffers and gets all beat up, who’s always reckless—who told me he loves me.”

I say it almost every volume but I'm loving the parallels between Emilia and Subaru. They don't want to be in pain, they don't want to suffer. They just want to be loved. They want to feel important and valued by those they love. They want to live up to the coolness and strength of everyone around them. Heck, Emilia seems to model herself after Fortuna about as much as Subaru seems to model himself after his dad. Both really are their parents' child (even if Fortuna is Emilia's aunt).

Even just her thanking Echidna like Subaru did for showing her the trial's world and giving her some closure she never could have had otherwise. Though Echidna's reaction is quite a bit more hostile than it was to Subaru.

The way to end the Trial was for Emilia to find herself and seek out a way to acknowledge, accept, and understand that self.

I'm curious if that is the general theme for the 2nd trial or if it's just specific to Emilia, because what we saw of Subaru's unknowable present, though he lost the right to face any more of the challenges, could certainly fit that description depending on how you view it. Emilia acknowledges, accepts, and understands herself by finally seeing herself as she is in the present and no longer turning away from her own reflection, while Subaru acknowledges, accepts, and understands himself by finally seeing the value in his own life beyond being a chip he can cash-in for RBD.

I am curious if there's any meaning to the differences in how Subaru and Emilia go through their trials though. Emilia's 2nd trial is like Subaru's 1st, where she's actually living and interacting with the world the trial created, with her memories of the real world needing to come back to her, while her 1st trial is like his 2nd, looking in on the world the trial creates only as an observer and unable to interact with anything.

Of course, it did not even think of defying the orders of its master. But it would obey those orders and nothing else. It simply owed a debt to the master, who had liberated it from the Curse of the Horn. Accordingly, it had listened to her request.

Hm. Now that's a curious bit of thought from the Giltirau. It's been established that demon beasts will obey whoever cuts off its horn. I'd always just assumed there was no choice in the matter. So is this just what the beast thinks is the case and it's deluding itself or under some kind of mind control, or is this genuinely how the beasts think and it obeys the cutter in order to pay them back for freeing them from the horn? If it's the latter, why is the horn a curse then?

“Eat the power of science, baby—Dust Explosion!”

Science, bitch!

The candle remained on the floor, showing no further sign of change. The one who had thrown it was frozen in place and sounded like there’d been a miscalculation.

Opp. Never mind. Subaru should have taken a lesson from Goblin Slayer. That man knows how to cause a dust explosion.

You know, one spoiler I got for this volume was that the mansion would catch on fire. I thought it'd be some way Subaru would be trying to free Beatrice from the library and the book of knowledge. I didn't think it'd be because of Otto accidentally burning the place down by using too much oil to kill a lion. Poor guy is going to be back to square one after this, if not horribly under debt. He only came along in the first place to try and sell his wares to Roswaal. If he burns down the clown's home he'll be lucky if Roswaal just declares them as even.

The Trials first showed a past linked to one’s greatest regret; then they showed a present that did not and could not exist; last, the challenger was shown a future she would inevitably have to confront head-on. These were the entirety of the Trials the tomb had prepared for her.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie, I couldn't make heads or tails of anything Emilia saw in "Face the calamity to come". I get the message and why she's able to pass but the descriptions were way too vague for me to get even hints of what was to come in this potential futures. Even looking it up didn't help much. All I've got for certain is Emilia telling someone she was once close to how much she hates them.

Of course, I am now wondering what Subaru's third trial would have been, had he not lost his qualification.

So the woman in the coffin looks like Echidna but isn't Echidna, at least from Emilia's POV. I've got three theories as to what that could mean:

This could be a case like how Satella and the Witch of Envy are technically two different people due to a split personality and thus Echidna and the Witch of Greed are two different people.

It is not Echidna's complete soul that was bound to the tomb. We know the soul transfer was an experiment that failed due to it not working out the way she wanted, so perhaps some parts of Echidna were lost in the transfer. Or we're going with Horcrux rules here and the Echidna in the trials is only a piece of her soul.

It was never Echidna who was giving the trials and having the tea parties but rather someone/something else assuming her form.

Then, as Emilia raced out of the tomb—

“—Eh?”

—the skin-stabbing cold and the ferociously blowing snow covering the Sanctuary made Emilia let out a white breath.

Aw, f**k.

“You ain’t immortal. It’s that ya won’t die till someone kills ya, right? Ain’t that right, vampire?”

“...You knew.”

“I had a hunch. Me, I loved readin’ books since waaaay back. I knew there were special sorts like that. Didn’t think I’d meet one right after leavin’ home, though.”

Oh! That explains a lot about Elsa, actually.

Elsa's story about growing up an orphan in the cold, being nearly (and thankfully only nearly) raped by a man she tried to rob, killing him and then finally feeling warmth from his blood and insides reminds me of a pitch I'd heard for a movie about Dracula's origins. After becoming the first vampire Dracula would take revenge on all those who had wrong him in his tortured life and the audience would feel sympathy for him...but only for a moment. Because whatever justice or righteous vengeance that might have been had is quickly overshadowed by the realization of the monster that has been unleashed upon the world.

“—I’m gonna kill ya, Elsa Gramhilde.”

“—It is because you will kill me that you are my first love, Garfiel Tinzel.”

Yeesh. They not on complete opposite ends of the spectrum but it's still hard to imagine a contrast more different than Elsa and Ram. Heck of a love triangle for Garfiel.

And of all the ways for Elsa to finally be slain, I can't say being crushed underneath a giant hippo thrown by a teenage man-tiger was one I expected.

“I’m impressed by how meticulous you are. How and when did you cast that spell on Lia...?”

“Spell...? Great Spirit, to what do you refer...?”

“Well, just listen. It got really hard to come out of my icon ever since we returned from the royal capital. If that was all, I would’ve pegged it as some kind of scheme by the Witch Cult group that attacked the village and the mansion, but I was stuck in there even after reaching the Sanctuary. So the spell had to come not from an enemy but from one of our own.”

...

“Fortunately, Lady Emilia was in low spirits from her argument with young Subaru. A little sabotage of your pact with Lady Emilia before departing for the Sanctuary was a trifling affair.”

“On the other hand, a pact between spirit and spirit mage is sacred... It’s not something that can be toyed with from the outside.”

“Even so, I have lived with Beatrice for quite a long time, you seeee. For better or worse, creating loopholes in predetermined things is a specialty of mine—though that girl is too obstinate for such things.”

Okay then. So while Puck definitely isn't a good father overall, it actually wasn't that he was refusing to come out when Emilia needed him. Roswaal used a spell to make sure that he couldn't, which makes sense given his big scheme, shown in a past loop, was to isolate Emilia from everyone and break her mentally.

“Love me? What are you saying?! You hate me. I am the man you hate. To you, I am a man linked to the cause of your homeland’s destruction. Surely, the truth is that you hate me enough to kill me!”

“In the beginning, it was so, but now it is not. Now Ram loves you.”

“That is absurd...! Who—who, I ask, would believe in such cheap emotions?!”

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, and it's not because of any shipping reasons because I don't really have anyone I ship with Ram. Obviously I knew she had an attraction, I'm just wondering what it was that caused the change in Ram's feelings and what caused her to fall in love. With Subaru for Emilia and Rem for him we see how those feelings were sparked and even Garfiel for Ram has reasons that are simple attraction but easy enough to understand. So what was it for Ram?

“To Ram, this is...the root of all evil.”

Roswaal’s face went pale as he raced over to Ram. Smiling faintly at his action, Ram did not hesitate—she hurled the book of knowledge into the green flame still clinging to a fallen tree.

Sometimes the conditions for victory have little to do with actually winning the physical fight.

“No matter how far you go, you’re still human—you’ll never be like that devil.”

As the spirit flew off, his voice became distant, and his presence vanished, leaving behind only a soft glow.

What remained was the scattering snow and a girl carried by a devil—Nay, there was only a clown.

He was a wretched fool who had tried to become a devil and failed.

That is a really good line. I'm assuming the devil in question is Hector, given he's called the Devil of Melancholy. It is an interesting concept, trying to act like/resemble something you fear and horribly humbled you in the past.

“I won’t let anyone say it’s fine. As long as we’re alive, there’ll be none of this it’s fine stuff—that’s why I don’t want to give up on anyone, not anymore!”

She stood up. That instant, Emilia whirled around, thrusting her arm toward the forest behind her.

She froze to the bone the demon beast leaping toward her, enveloping it in blustering snow and glacial cold.

The creature she had caught was white, small enough to fit in her palm.

However, this was a ferocious being with gleaming red eyes.

—It had arrived. The demon beast known as the Great Rabbit had finally come.

Well....that definitely qualifies as a badass moment for Emilia. I remember when I first started reading the LNs I was worried I might have an unintentional bias against Emilia since, while I liked her fine in the anime, I liked Rem and her pairing with Subaru a lot more. Thankfully the books have really done a great job with Emilia, especially in her character development. I said back during the royal selection that LN Emilia definitely feels like she has more fire to her than her anime counterpart, at least in season 1. I don't think I ever would have expected her to yell at Roswaal the way she does here, and with it still being in character as she's doing it because she's worried about him and Ram.

Puck was a Great Spirit with origins identical to Beatrice’s. However, unlike how she lived according to the will of Echidna the Witch since days long past, he had started a new life long before the birth of the Sanctuary, and she had not seen him since.

Does that mean Puck has a witch as his "mother" too?

But what she found surprising was that he knew of Beatrice’s talents yet did not desire them in any way. Indeed, when he came to ask about curses, it was Beatrice, and not the archive of forbidden books, he came to consult.

The boy harbored no interest in the knowledge left in her care or Beatrice’s power whatsoever.

It's kind of funny how Subaru's ignorance and cluelessness have been both his greatest strength and biggest shortcoming since coming to this world. It wasn't even a thought in his head to consult the books for answers to his problems...probably in part to the fact that Subaru can't read this world's language. His logic was more than likely "Books might have the answer to my problem Beatrice has read a bunch of books. I should ask Beatrice for help!"

—She felt like she had reduced herself to a frivolous and very cheap clown.

Roswaal: "Achoo!"

For as Subaru ran through the inferno, swearing he would bring the girl with him, he was enveloped by an incredibly dense black miasma, almost like a cloak of shadow that shielded him.

Is this because of the Unseen Hands witch factor he got from killing Petelgeuse? Because the black miasma instantly make me think what happens when he tries to tell people about RBD and thus makes me think it's some protection the Witch of Envy is giving him.

A figure dressed in black emerged from the flames: a black-haired woman holding a black blade in her hand.

“Elsa...?”

OH COME ON!

“You’re not Elsa anymore, are you?”

When Subaru posed the question, Elsa—nay, the thing that had been Elsa—turned its empty black eyes toward him. There was no glint of life within them, only bottomless darkness. Subaru was peering into an abyss.

An empty body, a departed soul, and obsession incarnate. Driven by inexhaustible bloodlust, it dragged its smashed lower body along as it crawled toward Subaru through the raging fires.

This was far beyond an unnatural vitality that kept death at bay. The power had become nothing but a curse.

Just like Subaru’s Return by Death, it was nothing save a curse, a yoke placed upon her very life.

I've said it before, I like that dark magic in Re:Zero's world isn't just "spooky evil bad stuff" magic but rather DARK magic. Unnaturally and feels like it should not exist in the world. Elsa's a vampire but usually being a vampire in most stories tends to just equate to drinking blood, strong, and being hard to kill. Here, being a vampire makes Elsa truly seem like some unholy monster. Something truly undead. She's not a vampire because she was bitten by Dracula but rather she's a vampire in that she's a curse upon the world.

I really like how Subaru finally wins Beatrice over, and it's consistent with how he typically tends to make progress, by just being honest with people. He knows Beatrice doesn't need him and that he doesn't have anything to really offer her. So he simply tells her that he needs her and that he wants her around. He could lie or assume and just say he's the person she's waited 400 years for, but instead his words put the choice more in her hands. He's not going to set her free, she has to choose that freedom for herself.

Also, if Subaru's lifespan is just a blip in comparison to hers, what does Beatrice have to lose? If it's a waste of time, well then it's basically just a minute of her time being wasted, all things considered.

“—You wanted someone to take you outside! Isn’t that why you always sat in front of the door?!”

With a decisive sound, that world finally met its end.

The girl’s lonely cage, that solitary world known as the archive of forbidden books, was engulfed by flames and vanished.

But just before that happened, there was a sound.

—The sound of a single tome falling to the archive’s floor.

I HAVE WAITED SO LONG FOR THIS MOMENT!!!

—So began the pair’s first battle, one of the many, many times Beatrice the spirit and her contractor, Subaru Natsuki, would fight hand in hand.

I'm just imagining Subaru shoving Beatrice into Julius' face to brag about her.

Subaru: "You can keep your six little spirits, Julius! I got the best one of all right here!"

Beatrice: "Kindly keep Betty out of this dong measuring contest."

Once they gather the Great Rabbit's copies all in one place I thought they were going to either burn or freeze them all, but sending the Great Rabbit into another dimension was probably the better idea. If Beatrice's theory is right and the rabbit can only create a finite number of itself, even if it can spawn up to that number and infinite amount of times, then even if they failed to get all the copies, say one or two, then the remaining ones would be far less dangerous, since it can't spawn new copies as they all would still technically exist.

“I think you should say something to the one who worked the hardest.”

Subaru couldn’t help but give a short sigh when he saw her childish, cheek-puffing gesture. Then—

“Waaah!”

���sweeping an arm under her, he hoisted up her light body.

Ignoring her cutesy, plaintive cry, Subaru continued to embrace the girl as he twirled around on the spot.

“You did awesome! That’s my Beako! I love you!”

“W-wait a—! That’s not... W-would you let go, I wonder?! Betty is not...!”

“Good girl, good girl! You’re so, so cute! You’re wonderful, Beako! You’re the best, Beako! Beako forever!”

Aww. Subaru's such a good dad.

Given that Roswaal is indeed the original Roswaal, student of Echidna, having lived on into the present day by transferring his soul into the bodies of those in his direct family line, what age is the child when he transfers his soul into them? Is that like a Tanya situation, where Roswaal remembers everything from his old life but has to restart each time as a baby? Or is this like a rite of passage for the men in Roswaal's line and they take on the burden of the original's soul once they come of a certain age? It's difficult to say which is worse.

“It’s just—I think we need to have a proper talk about the baby in my belly!”

“...Excuse me?”

“I don’t know if it will be a boy or a girl, but we need to give it all the love and attention it needs! Still, I don’t know anything about these things... That’s why I have to discuss it with the child’s father...”

...

“Emilia-tan, you know babies aren’t delivered by birds or harvested from cabbage patches, right?”

“But babies are made when a man and a woman kiss, aren’t they?”

...

Given Emilia’s mindset at the moment, Subaru’s words were tantamount to saying he wanted to have lots and lots of children with her. Certainly, there was a part of him that did wish for that, but his top priority was setting Emilia straight.

“C-curse you, Puck...!!”

Subaru directed an angry murmur toward the absent kitty spirit, who continued to sleep deep inside the magic crystal.

—In the back of his mind, he felt like he could see the kitty spirit putting a paw on his head and sticking his tongue out with a thbpttt.

That is just bad parenting right there. Even if Emilia's mentally 14 her body is still physically 18 and would be dealing with at least the aftermath of puberty, if not puberty itself. Regardless of whether she should or shouldn't have sex it's still something she should know about, especially in a world like Re:Zero's where life expectancy probably isn't that high and thus it'd be more common for people to get married and have children at younger ages than in ours.

Also, I'm just kind of amused that in Rising of the Shield Hero, Raphtalia thinking pregnancy was caused by kissing was an anime-only thing, as in the LNs she was well aware of what sex was. Now I'm just going to be expecting Re:Zero to do the opposite and have anime Emilia know what sex is.

“Even if you’re not at full health, you just stood back and watched while people settled things with Roswaal. I was sure you’d flip out seeing him get smacked around that much.”

“What a foolish thing to say... Even Ram does not think Master Roswaal is someone who is never mistaken. If being punched is the natural course of events, he must accept what he deserves. But Ram is free to treat him with great gentleness after the fact. To not comprehend such a thing is the height of foolishness.”

Well, at least Ram's not blind to Roswaal's faults or unreasonably loyal.

“...This is your mother, right?”

“More importantly, this is Echidna, Subaru. Not the ‘Witch of Greed’ you are familiar with.”

Subaru echoed a question first hailed by Emilia, wondering about the two different Echidnas. At present, neither she nor Subaru had found a suitable answer to what that actually meant.

More fuel to the first two theories I had.

So the condition of Subaru's pact with Beatrice is that he can't form contracts with other spirits, and she used up all the mana she had stored up over 400 years to kill the Great Rabbit, meaning she can't do anything like their big battle again. Subaru's gate is completely collapsed, meaning he can't use magic at all, and just keeping Beatrice out during the day consumes all the mana he has. ...Fair enough. It does fit with how Subaru wins each arc, by drawing every sword he has to use and just barely winning despite what he loses in the process. Heck, he still is somewhat in the green here with what he's gained, given he has Garfiel on his side now. And I still feel like Subaru is going to brag about Beatrice to Julius. It also goes along with Beatrice's thoughts of how she and Subaru interacted in arc 2 anyway. He wasn't there for the knowledge or power in her possession. He came there simply for Beatrice. Everything from their pact to her knowledge and powers was simply an afterthought, if even a thought in his head to begin with.

“Emilia—I am your knight and yours alone.”

“—Yes.”

When Emilia responded to the words he spoke, an irresistible wave of emotions brought tears to her eyes.

Yet, even then, Emilia somehow managed to maintain her composure as she gently brought down the sword she had raised. She returned to Subaru, who continued to kneel, the symbol of a knight’s pride.

Reverently accepting it with both hands, he returned the sword to its scabbard.

Completing the ritual, Subaru looked up. With Emilia nodding in assent, he stood on the spot.

And then—

“Emilia-tan, it’s a bit late to mention this, but you look cute and superhot in that outfit.”

“Idiot.”

—with the solemn atmosphere of the ceremony shattered, Emilia stuck out her tongue at him with a reddened face.

My feelings for the Subarem ship haven't lessened but this arc has definitely raised the Subamilia ship up for me, and I didn't even dislike it before. I really did just need them to communicate and have more honest back and forths and this arc really managed to develop that nicely for them. I can buy that these are two people who will eventually have a romantic relationship.

“Mentally speaking, Anne and Emilia are not as far apart as some might think. If anything, Anne puts on greater airs than Lady Emilia. She might very well be the more mature of the two.”

“I’m still holding a grudge against her for planting the idea in Emilia-tan’s head that babies are made by kissing.”

Yeah, I'm still gonna blame Puck for not setting her straight on that.

“And now that you have rejected the path of the Sage and chosen the path of the Fool, I will never allow you to compromise. Is this not natural? It is you who wished for this.”

With Subaru unable to speak a word, Roswaal took a step forward, closing the distance between them. Then, reaching out with a hand, he grasped Subaru’s shoulder, gently pulled his face close, and whispered into Subaru’s ear.

“—Hereafter, if you lose someone around you who you should have protected, I will swiftly burn the remaining others away without hesitation and, with the cursed seal, become ash myself.”

“—?!”

“You have decided to shoulder all. You must not abandon anything. I will not allow a lost world to continue into the future. I reject your compromise—now that I have lost the book of knowledge, I have only you to guide me to Teacher, young Subaru. You and the path you walk.”

Jeez, Roswaal is such a good villain. Yes, he'll work with the hero and he'll do it willingly and genuinely...but that doesn't make him any less dangerous than before. If Subaru falters or fails, Roswaal will push him into using RBD to do things over. And there's little doubt he will, since we've seen him in a few loops already in this arc perfectly content with dying or throwing everything and everyone away when a plan didn't work out, either because he knew Subaru would loop and another life would be better...or simply because continuing on in a world where his plan failed wouldn't be worth anything. It's a good little wrench to throw into the story now that Subaru is going to try to rely on RBD less, and it's a good way of showing Roswaal has not magically changed 100% from who he's been throughout the story and that even bound by a curse he can still do a lot of damage.

The girl walked forward, her long pink hair swaying as she murmured to herself.

The Witch had been released unto the world once more.

...That's probably not good. If I'm reading this right, Echidna, or at least the not-Echidna of the tomb trials, has come back from the dead by way of soul-transfer into the body of one of the Ryuzus.

I cannot state enough how happy I am for this volume to come out and for this arc, that I did really enjoy, to come to an end. Not only was I not letting myself watch the anime until I got this but I wasn't going to let myself start on the web novels either until I finished reading this arc in the LNs. Since vol. 16 doesn't come out until the near end of June and there's no f**king way I'm waiting that long again, I think at some point I'll just start on arc 5 in the WNs and go all the way until wherever it is in the present because I NEED TO KNOW!!! Might even do random thoughts on both the WNs and LNs, which would be kind of interesting. The only comparisons I've been able to do before is the LNs to the anime. I've heard the LNs are pretty faithful to the WNs but I have heard of some differences, like Puck not being in the battle between Ram and Roswaal (and just Puck being a bit more of a prick in general in the WNs).

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Re_Zero/comments/m64crq/novels_first_time_read_through_light_novel_vol_15/

[xtruss]

The Assassination of Beatles Legend John Lennon

On December 8, 1980, Mark David Chapman shot and killed John Lennon in front of the Dakota Building in Manhattan.

Why Did Mark David Chapman Kill John Lennon?

by Tarkan Rosenberg, Contributing Writer

Updated May 03, 2018

John Lennon — a founding member of the Beatles, and one of the most beloved and famous music legends of all time — died on December 8, 1980, after being shot four times by a crazed fan in the carriageway of his New York City apartment building.

Many of the events that led to his tragic and untimely death remain unclear and decades after his murder, people still struggle to understand what motivated his killer, 25-year-old Mark David Chapman, to pull the trigger on that fateful night.

Lennon in the 1970s:

The Beatles were arguably the most successful and influential group of the 1960s, perhaps of all time. Nevertheless, after spending a decade at the top of the charts, producing hit after hit, the band called it quits in 1970, and all four of its members – John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr -- moved on to launch solo careers.

Throughout the early ‘70s, Lennon recorded several albums and produced hits like the instant classic Imagine. He had moved permanently to New York City with his wife Yoko Ono and taken up residence at the Dakota, a fancy, old apartment building located at the northwest corner of 72nd Street and Central Park West. The Dakota was known for housing many celebrities.

By the mid-1970s, however, Lennon had given up music. And though he claimed he did so to become a stay-at-home dad to his newborn son, Sean, many of his fans, as well as the media, speculated the singer might have sunk into a creative slump.

Several articles published during this period painted the former Beatle as a recluse and a has-been, who seemed more interested in managing his millions and holing up in his decadent New York apartment than in writing songs.

One of these articles, published in Esquire in 1980, would prompt a pudgy, disturbed young man from Hawaii, to travel to New York City and commit murder.

Mark David Chapman: From Drugs to Jesus:

Mark David Chapman was born in Fort Worth, Texas on May 10, 1955, but lived in Decatur, Georgia from the age of seven. Mark’s dad, David Chapman, was in the Air Force, and his mom, Diane Chapman, was a nurse. A sister was born seven years after Mark. From the outside, the Chapmans looked like a typical American family; however, inside, there was trouble.

Mark’s dad, David, was an emotionally distant man, not showing his emotions even to his son. Worse, David would often hit Diane. Mark could often hear his mom screaming, but was unable to stop his dad. In school, Mark, who was a bit pudgy and not good at sports, was picked on and called names.

All these feelings of helplessness led to Mark having strange fantasies, starting very early on in his childhood.

By the age of 10, he was imagining and interacting with an entire civilization of tiny people he believed lived inside the walls of his bedroom. He would have imaginary interactions with these little people and later came to see them as his subjects and himself as their king. This fantasy continued until Chapman was 25, the same year he gunned down John Lennon.

Chapman managed to keep such strange tendencies to himself, however, and seemed like a normal youngster to those who knew him. Like many who grew up in the 1960s, Chapman was swept up in the spirit of the times and by age 14, was even using heavy drugs like LSD on a regular basis.

At age 17, however, Chapman suddenly proclaimed himself a born-again Christian. He renounced drugs and the hippie lifestyle and began attending prayer meetings and going to religious retreats. Many of his friends at the time claimed the change came so suddenly they saw it as a type of personality split.

Soon after, Chapman became a counselor at the YMCA—a job he relished with fervent devotion—and would remain there into his twenties. He was highly popular with the kids in his care; he dreamed of becoming a YMCA director and working abroad as a Christian missionary.

Problems:

Despite his successes, Chapman was undisciplined and lacking in ambition. He briefly attended community college in Decatur but soon dropped out due to the pressures of academic work.

He subsequently traveled to Beirut, Lebanon as a YMCA counselor, only to be forced to leave when war broke out in that country. And after a brief stint at a camp for Vietnamese refugees in Arkansas, Chapman decided to give school another try.

In 1976, Chapman enrolled at a religious college under the encouragement of his girlfriend, Jessica Blankenship, who was very devout and whom he had known since the second grade. However, he lasted only one semester before dropping out once more.

Chapman’s failures at school caused his personality to undergo yet another drastic change. He began to question his purpose in life and his devotion to his faith. His changing moods also put a strain on his relationship with Jessica and they broke up soon after.

Chapman became increasingly despondent about these events in his life. He saw himself as a failure at everything he tried and frequently spoke of suicide. His friends were concerned for him, but could never have anticipated what this shift in Chapman’s temperament portended.

Down a Dark Path:

Chapman was looking for a change and at the encouragement of his friend Dana Reeves—an aspiring policeman—decided to take shooting lessons and obtain a license to carry firearms. Soon after, Reeves managed to find Chapman a job as a security guard.

But Chapman’s dark moods continued. He decided he needed to change his surroundings and moved to Hawaii in 1977, where he did attempt suicide but failed, ending up at a psychiatric facility. After two weeks as an outpatient there, he obtained a job in the hospital’s print shop and even volunteered on occasion in the psych ward.

On a whim, Chapman decided to take a trip around the world. He fell in love with Gloria Abe, the travel agent who helped book his round-the-world trip. The two frequently corresponded through letters and upon returning to Hawaii, Chapman asked Abe to become his wife. The couple married in the summer of 1979.

Although Chapman’s life seemed to be improving, his downward spiral continued and his increasingly erratic behavior concerned his new wife. Abe claimed Chapman began drinking heavily, was abusive towards her and would frequently make threatening phone calls to complete strangers.

His temper was short and he was prone to violent outbursts and would engage in screaming matches with his coworkers. Abe also noticed Chapman became increasingly obsessed with JD Salinger’s seminal 1951 novel "The Catcher in the Rye."

The Catcher in the Rye:

It is unclear when exactly Chapman discovered Salinger’s novel, The Catcher in the Rye, but one thing is for certain, by the late ‘70s it was beginning to have a profound effect on him. He identified deeply with the book’s protagonist, Holden Caulfield, an adolescent who railed against the seeming phoniness of the adults around him.

In the book, Caulfield identified with children and saw himself as their savior from adulthood. Chapman came to see himself as a real-life Holden Caulfield. He even told his wife he wanted to change his name to Holden Caulfield and would rage about the phoniness of people and of celebrities in particular.

Hatred of John Lennon:

In October of 1980, Esquire magazine published a profile on John Lennon, which portrayed the former Beatle as a drug-addled millionaire recluse who had lost touch with his fans and his music. Chapman read the article with increasing anger and came to see Lennon as the ultimate hypocrite and a “phony” of the very type described in Salinger’s novel.

He began reading everything he could about John Lennon, even making tapes of Beatles’ songs, which he would play over and over for his wife, changing the tapes’ speed and direction. He would listen to them while sitting nude in the dark, chanting, “John Lennon, I’m going to kill you, you phony bastard!”

When Chapman discovered Lennon was planning to release a new album—his first in five years—his mind was made up. He would fly to New York City and shoot the singer.

Preparing for the Assassination:

Chapman quit his job and bought a .38-caliber revolver from a gun shop in Honolulu. He then bought a one-way ticket to New York, told his wife goodbye, and departed, arriving in New York City on October 30, 1980.

Chapman checked into the Waldorf Astoria, the same hotel Holden Caulfield stayed at in "The Catcher in the Rye," and set about seeing some sights.

He frequently stopped at the Dakota to ask the doormen there about John Lennon’s whereabouts, without luck. The employees at the Dakota were used to fans asking such questions and generally refused to divulge any information about the various celebrities who resided in the building.

Chapman had brought his revolver to New York but figured he would buy bullets once he arrived. He now learned only residents of the city could legally purchase bullets there. Chapman thus flew down to his former home in Georgia for the weekend, where his old buddy Dana Reeves—by now a sheriff’s deputy—could help him procure what he needed.

Chapman told Reeves he had been staying in New York, was concerned for his safety, and needed five hollow-nosed bullets, known for causing immense damage to their target.

Now armed with gun and bullets, Chapman returned to New York; however, after all this time, Chapman’s resolve had diminished. He later claimed that he had a type of religious experience that convinced him what he was planning was wrong. He called his wife and told her, for the first time, what he had planned to do.

Gloria Abe was frightened by Chapman’s confession. However, she did not call the police but simply implored her husband to return home to Hawaii. He did so on Nov. 12.

Chapman’s change of heart did not last long. His strange behavior continued and on Dec. 5, 1980, he once again departed for New York. This time, he would not be back.

Second Trip to New York:

Upon his second trip to New York, Chapman checked into a local YMCA, because it was cheaper than a regular hotel room. However, he was not comfortable there and checked into the Sheraton Hotel on December 7.

He made daily trips to the Dakota building, where he befriended several other John Lennon fans, as well as the building’s doorman, Jose Perdomo, whom he would pepper with questions about Lennon’s whereabouts.

At the Dakota, Chapman also befriended an amateur photographer from New Jersey named Paul Goresh, who was a regular at the building and well known to the Lennons. Goresh chatted with Chapman and would later comment how little Chapman seemed to know about John Lennon and the Beatles, considering he had claimed to be such an avid fan.

Chapman would visit the Dakota regularly over the next two days, hoping each time to run into Lennon and commit his crime.

December 8, 1980:

On the morning of Dec. 8, Chapman dressed warmly. Before leaving his room he carefully arranged some of his most treasured belongings on a table. Among these items was a copy of the New Testament in which he had written the name “Holden Caulfield” as well as the name “Lennon” after the words “Gospel According to John.”

He arranged the items for maximum effect, expecting the police to come looking through his room after his arrest.

After leaving the hotel, he bought a fresh copy of "The Catcher in the Rye" and wrote the words “This is my statement” on its title page. Chapman’s plan had been to say nothing to police after the shooting, but to simply hand them a copy of the book by way of explaining his actions.

Carrying the book and a copy of Lennon’s latest album Double Fantasy, Chapman then made his way to the Dakota where he stood chatting with Paul Goresh.

At one point, a Lennon associate, Helen Seaman, arrived with Lennon’s five-year-old son Sean in tow. Goresh introduced Chapman to them as a fan who had come all the way from Hawaii. Chapman seemed elated and gushed about how cute the boy was.

John Lennon, meanwhile, was having a busy day inside the Dakota. After posing with Yoko Ono for famous photographer Annie Leibovitz, Lennon got a haircut and gave his last ever interview, which was to Dave Sholin, a DJ from San Francisco.

By 5 p.m. Lennon realized he was running late and needed to get over to the recording studio. Sholin offered the Lennons a ride in his limo since their own car had not yet arrived.

Upon exiting the Dakota, Lennon was met by Paul Goresh, who introduced him to Chapman. Chapman handed over his copy of Double Fantasy for Lennon to sign. The star took the album, scribbled his signature, and handed it back.

The moment was captured by Paul Goresh and the resulting photograph—one of the last ever taken of John Lennon—shows a profile of the Beatle as he signs Chapman’s album, with the killer’s shadowy, deadpan face looming in the background. With that, Lennon entered the limo and headed for the studio.

It is unclear why Chapman did not take that opportunity to kill John Lennon. He later recalled he was waging an inner battle. However, his obsession with killing Lennon did not abate.

Shooting John Lennon:

Despite Chapman’s inner misgivings, the urge to shoot the singer was too overwhelming. Chapman remained at the Dakota well after Lennon and most of the fans had left, waiting for the Beatle to return.

The limo carrying Lennon and Yoko Ono arrived back at the Dakota around 10:50 p.m. Yoko exited the vehicle first, followed by John. Chapman greeted Ono with a simple “Hello” as she passed. As Lennon passed him, Chapman heard a voice inside his head urging him on: “Do it! Do it! Do it!”

Chapman stepped into the carriageway of the Dakota, dropped to his knees, and fired two shots into John Lennon’s back. Lennon reeled. Chapman then pulled the trigger three more times. Two of those bullets landed in Lennon’s shoulder. The third went astray.

Lennon managed to run into the Dakota’s lobby and clamber up the few steps leading to the building’s office, where he finally collapsed. Yoko Ono followed Lennon inside, screaming he’d been shot.

The Dakota’s night man thought it was all a joke until he saw the blood pouring from Lennon’s mouth and chest. The night man promptly called 911 and covered Lennon with his uniform jacket.

John Lennon Dies:

When the police arrived, they found Chapman sitting beneath the gate’s lantern calmly reading "Catcher in the Rye." The killer made no attempt to escape and repeatedly apologized to the officers for the trouble he had caused. They promptly handcuffed Chapman and placed him in a nearby patrol car.

The officers did not know the victim was the famous John Lennon. They simply determined his wounds were too serious to wait for an ambulance. They placed Lennon in the backseat of one of their patrol cars and drove him to the emergency room at Roosevelt Hospital. Lennon was still alive but barely able to respond to the officers’ questions.

The hospital was made aware of Lennon’s arrival and had a trauma team at the ready. They worked diligently to save Lennon’s life, but to no avail. Two of the bullets had pierced his lungs, while a third had hit his shoulder and then ricocheted inside his chest where it had damaged the aorta and cut his windpipe.

John Lennon died at 11:07 pm on the night of December 8, due to massive internal hemorrhaging.

Aftermath:

The news of Lennon’s death broke during ABC’s televised Monday night football game when sportscaster Howard Cosell announced the tragedy in the middle of a play.

Soon after, fans from all over the city arrived at the Dakota, where they held vigil for the slain singer. As the news spread around the world, the public was shocked. It seemed a brutal, bloody end to the ‘60s.

Mark David Chapman’s trial was short, as he had pled guilty to second-degree murder, claiming God had told him to do so. When asked at his sentencing if he wanted to make a final statement, Chapman stood up and read a passage from "Catcher in the Rye."

The judge sentenced him to 20-years-to-life and Chapman remains imprisoned to this day, having lost several appeals for his parole.

— American Experience | PBS

[diddlesanddoodles]

DUMPLING (g/t fantasy)

CHAPTER 11

“Um...Jae?” she called out into the dark. “I can’t see anything...”

“Give me a second,” Jae replied from somewhere ahead of her. And suddenly the space around them exploded with opaque light. Jae stood next to the wall to her left, his hand falling away from a large orb set into a metal bracket on the wall. He regarded her with a smug grin. “Impressive isn’t it? Maevis made them for me and Hev made the brackets. Connar and helped me put them in since I haven’t the first clue on this kind of thing. I mostly watched and held his tools for him. Oh-! Connar’s another human. He hangs around Hev’s workshop, but he kind of has his own space near the stables. He was probably the one to make your marker there.”

Nenani touched the metal trinket resting against her clavicle. “They said there were four other humans plus me.”

“Yep. You, me, Barnaby, Connar, and Sawyer. And Kent, but he passed away a few years ago,” Jae replied. He turned his back to her and walked down the tunnel. Just as the orb’s light seemed to be fading, another orb lit up, banishing the shadows to the farthest reaches of Nenani’s peripherals. As one orb illuminated the tunnel, the one before dimmed back to dark. It was as though the light inside was following them, bouncing from orb to orb as they transversed the stone tunnel’s pathways. Ahead of them was a small collection of steps. “Most humans who find there way here don’t stay very long. The war’s still pretty fresh on a lot of folk’s mind and most of them haven’t really forgiven Vhasshal for everything that happened. Most either go back to where they came from or join one of the hill tribes. Warren’s set aside a good bit of land for them to settle and make their own. Most giants stay away since it was made illegal to bother them without express permission.”

“What was the war about?” she asked.

Jae stopped to stare at her. “You don’t know?”

She shook her head. “Everyone always talks like I should already know, but no one ever really explained why the war happened.”

“Well. Long story short: someone killed the crowned Prince of Vhasshal. Never found out who. But they were human, whoever they were. And it happened in Silvaara. The Blood King got pissed and utterly destroyed Silvaara over it. Killed the King of Silvaara and every blood relative and most of the nobility for that matter. My family fled with most of the capitol. We weren’t some members of a noble house or anything like that though. We made shoes,” he said, continuing on and up the steps. “The Blood King earned his name, killed a shit ton of people, brought back the ancient tradition of eating humans, and got all but one of his sons killed because he was a fucking nut job. Until Warren and the last few folks with their sanity intact rose up and killed him.”

“...what happened to your family?”

“The war was over. But I didn’t know it at the time. We’d been hiding from the blue coats up in the hills for a few days and were making a move for Dander Pass. It’s a clear shot to the nothern plate from the moors that way. We stopped to rest our ox and to get a drink, but I was asleep in the cart. Someone had poisoned the pond. I only woke up when the ox died and it flipped the cart over. Everyone was dead. My Dad. My Mom. Everyone.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. They were hardly the only ones who died and theirs was quick and painless. Not many got such a luxury,” he replied. “Anyway, Warren and Keral showed up not too long after. I tried to hide, but Keral sniffed me out pretty easily. I guess I was pathetic enough to earn the King’s pity because he took me in and I’ve lived here since. He even taught me to read and write. Kent showed up about two years after that and Connar and Sawyer….hm, about three years ago? No, Connar was three years ago and Sawyer was two. And now you.”

“Who is Keral?” Nenani asked. “I keep hearing that name.”

“Have you not met him either?” Jae asked. “Damn. I’m gonna have to take you on my rounds and introduce you to everyone. Keral’s Captain of the Rangers. The blue coated bastards walking around like their shit don’t stink.”

Nenani gulped, as she recalled her recent and unfavorable meeting with the blue coats. “...I’m don’t think I wanna meet him.”

Jae paused and looked back at her with genuine curiosity. “Why’s that?”

“...I’ve already met a few of the Rangers,” she replied. “It wasn’t a good experience.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Which one?”

“Thrist.”

“Him? Ha! That fucker’s half-a-penny short of a half-a-penny,” replied Jae as he turned and continued on. “What’d he do?”

“He tried to eat me,” she replied acidly.

“Ooooh, that’s not good. Anyone tell Keral about it?”

“Bart did, yeah.”

“Ah, well, then there’s no worry. Thrist’s gonna regret ever looking at you wrong after Keral’s done with him. It’s a big no-no to mess with any of us with markers. We’re under the King’s personal protection. So messing with one of us is paramount to giving Warren the finger. Oh, Warren’s the King’s name. Don’t know if anyone’s explained that to you yet. I never call him by any honorifics though. Special privileges, being his ward, I guess.”

Jae paused and turned back to Nenani and pointed to her. “You should probably stick to all the formalities though.” He turned back around and continued onward. “Anyway. Keral’s a decent guy. His sense of humor sucks, but he’s a good fella’ overall. He’d never hurt ya. Especially since your Farris’s.”

Nenani made a noise of confusion.

“On the account of them being brothers and all,” Jae replied casually.

Nenani stopped in her tracks, regarding the older human ahead of her. “Farris has a brother?”

“Yup. Twin actually,” he said and then laughed. “But they’re really easy to tell apart. One’s always grinning like an idiot and the other always looks like someone pissed in his ale.”

Nenani smiled at that and then hummed as she contemplated the notion of there being another giant walking around who looked just like Farris. Someone with the same red hair, same square jaw, and the same...green eyes…

A blue coat Ranger with sharp green eyes. Her heart skipped a beat as vague memories surfaced. She could almost feel the chill of a cold night from so long ago brush against her arms and the smell of trees and dirt. An echo of a voice…

‘Hello there, my little sweetling...’

There was an uncomfortable knot in her stomach, but Jae seemed to pay no notice as he continued through the tunnels, making a sharp right and up another flight of stairs. The light followed them, bouncing from orb to orb, illuminating their way. She jogged up the stairs to catch up, her head reeling a bit as she tried to make sense of the jumble of thoughts and feelings bouncing around in her skull.  

“Maybe another day I’ll introduce you” Jae was saying. Her head snapped to attention and she opened her mouth to decline the offer, but found her voice failed her. “He’s a guy you want on your side, that’s for sure.”

Nenani picked at an uneven section of her fingernail, trying to find some words to spit out, but found her mouth too dry. Her heart hammered in her chest.

Why did these memories scare her so much?

“You okay?” The concern in Jae’s question startled her out of her thoughts and she looked up to see him regarding her with a curious, but slightly worried expression. “Is it the tunnels? I know they’re kind of creepy, but there’s nothing down here. Just us. None of the other humans even use them. Connar and Sawyer never really come inside the castle and Barnaby never leaves the library without Maevis. So it’s just you and me.” A pause. “Are you afraid of the dark or something?”

Nenani saw an opening to dismiss her behavior and jumped on it. “A little,” she confessed. “I’ve never been inside a castle before all this. It’s...a little strange for me.”

Jae just smiled indulgently and gestured for her to follow him. He waited until she was on the same step as her and put his arm around her shoulders.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I know these tunnels like the back of my hand. Better even. I never pay attention to the back of my hand. Heh. Anyway, we’re almost to the big stairs. Those will take us to the tower. That’s where the big library is. It use to be a watch tower during the war, but Warren gave it to Maevis and he filled it with books so now it’s the big library. Or King’s library. But Warren never goes up there. He has his own study. It’s pretty impressive too.”

“The one with the big window? The colorful one?”

“Yeah, that’s the one,” Jae nodded. “You’ve seen it?”

“That’s where I was taken for judgment.”

“...judgment?” Jae asked with a suspicious raise of an eyebrow. He smirked at her. “What’d you do?”

She shrugged. “...I stole fruit from the kitchens.”

“Why?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“I was hungry,” she replied defensively with a furrow of her brow.

Jae laughed at her pouting. “So you thought it was a smart idea to steal from the King of Vhasshal? Didn’t your parents tell you the horror stories about this place? Giants are suppose to eat naughty children, right? That’s what the stories say. Well, I suppose the ones who would actually eat you don’t give a rat’s ass whether you ate your vegetables or finished your chores that day.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “I knew the stories. But I didn’t mean to come here. It was an accident. I got stuck in a basket that was on its way here. For the wedding.”

Jae seemed to consider her as though he was only now getting a true look at her. “Where are you from, anyway?”

“The Southlands.”

Jae choked on empty air, staring at her with wide eyes. “Wow! That...is not a small distance. You spent, what – how many days in that basket? By wagon? Damn.”

“A few days, yeah,” she replied. “Yale caught me when I tried to run. I was taken to the King later and he gave me to Farris. I met Lolly too. I like her. Her and the other ladies. They’re nice. They made me this dress.”

“Oh, sure,” Jae replied, making a face. “So long as you’re on her good side. Do me a favor if you see Lolly, don’t tell her you saw me. I’m hoping the whole gravy fiasco will blow over in a week or so and I can sleep in my own room again.”

They continued on through the tunnels until at last they were standing at the base of a wide set of grand stairs. Each stone step was wide enough for eight men to stand side by side and had inlaid carvings of figures and trees and rivers. An example of exquisite mastery of the masonry arts. Each step was different and seemed to tell a story as one climbed upwards. Along the walls, flashed colored tiles. Deep blues, greens, and gold. A small spot of red among waves of orange and yellow. Figures dressed in finery walking through forests, hand in hand. A castle upon a hill. A winding river. It was a marvelous work of art. It seemed such a waste for it to be lost down in some dingy tunnel. And then the thought struck her that it seemed quite odd that within a giant castle, were tunnels that were decidedly human sized.

“Who built these tunnels?” she asked as they began to climb the large stairs.  

“That’s the great mystery!” Jae replied, his eyes alight with a fierce passion. “I’ve been trying to figure that out since I found them years ago. It was an accident that I even found a door, but they’re all over the place. All hidden in plain sight. Like servant’s doors. But then why all this?” he waved to the mosaics and fine masonry. “I can get to pretty much any part of the castle through these tunnels. But the weird thing is that no one seems to know why they’re here. I mean, obviously they were made for humans, but why? Warren didn’t know they were here and he was born and raised in this castle. Barnaby scavenged through every book in this place. Nothing.”

“How odd,” Nenani remarked, running a hand along the tiled mosaic as she moved up the stairs. “They’re so pretty.”

“Yeah. Barnaby did some sketches of them for Maevis a while back since he cant’t come in to see them. He has some theories, but just that. Personally I think they’re all hooey.” A pause. “Don’t tell him I said that.”

At the top of the stairs was a carved archway. The stone had been carved to appear like two willowy trees growing from the slate flooring and up to meet in a delicate archway, their branches intertwined.

“It’s so pretty,” Nenani breathed, eye eyes darting around to take in all the details of the stonework. “I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“I guess I’m so use to it now,” Jae commented. “That I don’t appreciate it as much as I should. There’s other parts of the tunnels that have some nice masonry and mosaics, but I’d have to say this area has the nicest of them.”

He walked up to the center of the archway and put his hands against the seemingly solid stone. A fine line of bright light formed at its center as he pushed and the stone parted into a set of double doors. A gentle gust of wind blew towards them, bringing with it the scent of parchment and ink and the deeper rich smell of mahogany.

Jae walked through with easy strides while Nenani took her time. She eased into the new space, blinking as her sight adjusted from the dim gloom of the tunnels. Once her vision cleared, she was met with a magnificent sight. It was obvious that the big library was housed in a tower by the impossible tall cylinder shape of the room. A set of ornate mahogany and iron spiraling walkways swirled around and around to meet at a platform at the ceiling hundreds if not thousands of feet above them. And the walls were covered, every visible inch, in shelves that were filled to bursting with books and tomes and manuscripts and scrolls and all manners of writings. The floor was a gorgeous pattern made of light and dark wood patches that looked as though they had been woven together into the floor. The wood mosaic floor had been flawlessly polished, leaving such a reflective surface that Nenani could see her own reflection. It seemed presumptuous to walk across it with her dirty shoes. At the center of the round room was a table, made with the same level of craft and skill as the floor. The four thick legs were beautifully carved and finished with inlays of mother of pearl. A single door, set in between the books at the ground level and partially obscured by a purple velvet curtain was the only other feature to the room.

Nenani stood still, looking up and all around her, her jaw hanging open in wonder. Jae regarded her with a smug grin. “Impressive, huh?”

She nodded dumbly, spinning in slow circles as she tried to take in the room fully.

“Halooooo!” Jae called out, walking further into the room towards the large table. “You up there, Barnaby?”

“Indeed, I am,” came a muffled voice from above them. “Just putting the finishing touches on the new pages. Come on up and take a gander, young master Jae.”

“Be right up,” Jae replied. He glances over his shoulder and gestured for her to follow him. As she did so, she was wondering how in the world they were going to get on the table from the floor. She had been expressly forbidden from table climbing. Even if she had not been so, Nenani would have not been at all keen at doing so. Perhaps it was a trick of the eye, but this table seemed much higher than the one in the kitchen.  

And then she noticed a feature to the table that was very unexpected. Set within the one of the legs, carved from the thick dark wood, was a human sized staircase. Hidden from view unless standing under table, there was a groove cut into inside of the leg, sloping upwards in a gently arch, hidden by the decorative arched panels on the table’s sides. Jae was waiting at the bottom. He held his hand out to her and she took it with a smile and he helped her up the first few steps. They were much more narrow than they first looked and part way up, she bent down to all fours and began to climb it more like a ladder than stairs. At the top was a landing, set into the table top and a single step up to the table’s surface proper. She waited on the landing until Jae came up beside her.

The table was a mess.

Giant sized books were sprawled out at one end as well as several glass jars and tubes filled with various liquids in varying colors of vibrant hues.  The other side was dominated by an oddly sized book, too small for a giant and far too large to be of practical use to a human, and it was propped up on an easel. She surmised that if it were placed on the ground, it would be as tall as a fully grown man. A human sized table sat close by and pallets of color paints and inks and water colors and dozens of brushes, both clean and used, sat about in organized chaos. A bucket of murky colored water sat to the other side of the easel. From behind the bulk of the book, a hand appeared and dipped a brush into the water and disappeared before reappearing on the other side where it was dipped delicately into a small tub filled with yellow paint.

“So I brought you a surprise,” Jae said as he walked closer. Nenani followed belatedly behind. “One I think you’ll actually like.”

“Oh?” asked the voice from behind the book with a chuckle. “That would certainly be a nice change, wouldn’t it? What would it be then, my lad?”

“Well, if you look up from your paints for more than a second,” Jae said, though he was smiling brightly. “You’ll see for yourself.”

The face of an old man popped out from behind the bulk of the large book. Tufts of white hair sprouted from the sides of his balding head. The bare skin looked as polished as the floor far below them. A pair of thick spectacles rested on a curved hawkish nose. The glass magnified the pale blue eyes that peeked from behind them and they blinked curiously at Nenani as their owner made sense of what he was seeing.

“Oh my goodness!” The old man exclaimed. He rose from the small stool on which he had been perched and he came into full view. He was a lanky man of some years, marked by his white hair, ample wrinkles, and the slight stoop to his posture. He was dressed in a plain brown tunic and dark trousers with a tan apron that had splatters and flecks of colors from his various paints. His sleeves had been pulled up around his elbows and as he rounded the table, setting his brush down as he did so, he rolled them back down. He wiped his hands briskly with an old gray rag hanging at his hip as he ambled over to Nenani, a bright and happy smile stretching his face. “What a wonderful surprise indeed! It is very good to meet you, my dear. I am Barnabas MacVoy Devonshire, but it would please me greatly if you simply call be Barnaby.”

He reached a hand towards her and she instinctively offered her own. Instead of shaking it as Jae had done, the old man bowed lightly and brought her captured hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss onto it. He looked up at her from his bow through his spectacles and thick white eyebrows, asking, “What may I call you, my dear child?”

“Nenani,” she replied, feeling oddly flustered at the formality of the greeting. “M-my name is Nenani.”

His eyes twinkled and he placed his other hand over hers, sandwiching them together. “Such a lovely name. It is my greatest pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Nenani.”

“She’s Farris’s new pet,” Jae supplied.

Barnaby frowned at the young man. “Now, you know how much I detest that word. That is a gross misrepresentation of our roles, as should you know, young man!”

“I’m just teasing you, Barney,” Jae replied with a grin.

Barnaby shook his head and murmured something under his breath as he turned his attention back to Nenani. His frown melted away back into a pleasant and curious smile. “So, Farris, eh? I hope he and those boys aren’t being too rough with you. They can be quite a rowdy group. Good souls, to be sure, not a bad apple among them. But we can hear their brawls from here some days.”

“They are, a bit. Yeah,” she replied with a smile. “But they’ve been nice to me. They tease me a lot, though.”

“Oh? How so?” the old man asked.

“The usual sort, probably,” Jae added. “Acting like they’re gonna eat you? Or put you into a pie? Or the stew? Like I was saying before, Farris needs some new material.”

“Oh, I do hope someone explained the rules to you,” said Barnaby, the joy gone from his face and replaced with a stern and serious expression. “King Warren has explicitly forbidden the consumption of human flesh in Vhasshal. It’s a grave crime indeed.”

“Doesn’t stop everyone though,” said Jae lowly. “Some got a taste for it during the war and have been having a tough time giving it up. Like Thrist.”

“Thrist?” Barnaby asked with distaste. “Is he not that foul mouthed Ranger who was found urinating on the portcullis during spring festival last?”

Jae seemed to ponder that. “You know,” he said. “I think it was him. Anyway, he tried to take a bite of this one. So Bart sicced Keral on him.”

“Oh my. Well that does not sound like you have had the smoothest of introductions to our strange side of the world,” the archivist said, patting her hand in sympathy. “Very unfortunate. But in any case, you should know you are perfectly safe here within these walls. A few simple rules to follow will make sure you’ll be avoiding any unsavory characters who might not have the purest of intentions.”

“Yeah. Warren’s done a pretty good job of weeding out the crazy ones who would rather have us as dinner than as an acquaintance,” Jae was saying. “But they’re kept in line for the most part. That’s why each of us is given to a Vhasshallan. Their job is to pretty much babysit us.”

“I would most certainly not refer to it as such, but yes. In principle, young master Jae is correct. Each human who lives on castle grounds is assigned a guardian,” said the old archivist. He pointed to Nenani’s marker. “That little ditty there is very important. Never lose it.”

He reached into his tunic and pulled out a marker of his own. The leather strap was well worn and the metal medallion hanging from it lacked the bright sheen that her own possessed. He pulled it from around his neck to show Nenani, flipping it so the Vhasshal Crown’s crest faced skyward. “This is the King’s seal here, my dear. That is very crucial. It means we are under the King’s protection. In a way, making us all wards of the crown.”

He pointed to her marker.

“Your’s there has Farris’s seal and the Crown’s. Meaning you’re both ward to the King and to Farris.” He flipped his marker over to reveal another crest. “And this here is Maevis’s seal and means he is the Vhasshallan who watches over me.”

“I still make the argument that you do more watching over him than he watches you,” Jae said with a grin.

“There might be some small truth to that, perhaps,” the archivist admitted with an amused grin of his own. “But we watch out for each other to be sure. We both can be forgetful or far too engrossed with out individual passions sometimes. It’s good to have someone to watch your back.”

“And remind you to eat,” Jae added. “Which reminds me: have either of you eaten today? I don’t see any breakfast plates.”

The archivist replaced the marker around his neck and tucked it into his tunic. His eyes trailed upward, a finger tapping thoughtfully against his chin. “We had some tea not too long ago. I think. What time is it?”

Jae rolled his eyes and looked to Nenani, waving at the older human. “See? This is why I make my rounds. I came up here once and neither of them had eaten for two days. How do you just forget to eat for two days?”

“Well, Maevis had made a profound breakthrough regarding one of his spell theories and I was in the throws of the most splendid inspiration, I simply had to finish the piece before the spark left me,” the archivist defended himself. “Oh, but you’ve still to see my current project! Come, come, tell me what you both think. This way.”

The old man pulled Nenani along and around the small table to face the other side of the large book. The left page was a wall of delicate text, written in gilded ink that shone when the light hit it. The border surrounding the wall of words was exquisite and intricate with fine lines weaving around a strong red line. Flowers and fruits were clustered at the corners. And then there was the right page. A full length illustration of two figures, a man and a woman, both finely dressed in gold and white and red, standing side by side with their arms interlocked. They were smiling at one another, their profiles revealing regally sculpted noses and flushed lips.

The man was dressed in a red knee length tabard with gold adornments, a long gold mantle with a gilded and bejeweled crown atop his head. The woman was dressed in a white and silver gown, the full skirt spilling around the front of her and the man’s feet, almost as though embracing them both while his golden mantle flowed behind them, doing much the same. The gold and white of their overflowing garments created a visible circle around the two, signifying their unity. The man’s shoulder length black hair was straight and without much other detail, but the lady’s orange locks were intertwines with gold and yellow and white so as to create texture and depth.

“Wow, Barney,” Jae breathed. “You did all this in three days? Your hands must be killing you!”

“Well,” Barnaby replied sheepishly, “It would have been only two days in truth. I spent the first day sketching mostly and organizing my thoughts as to how the passages would read. And also, no one seemed to be able to tell me with any certainty how the Queens’s name was spelled! And also, Queen Rosanna’s dress had such delicate patterned bead work, I wanted to be sure I got it right. Thankfully, Lolly was very gracious in helping me with both those problems.” He glanced at Jae with a small smirk. “I did take a bit of creative liberty and left off the gravy, however.”

Jae groaned and looked to the archivist, his face void of any amusement as if to say ‘Not you too’. Nenani snickered though and got a mild glare in return.

A loud crash startled all three of them and they simultaneously turned to the door behind the velvet curtain. There was a cacophony of bangs and scuffles and muffled curses before the door burst open and billowing blue smoke spilled out. From the furling rolls of smoke emerged a tall figure, dressed in a long maroon robe. The ash brown haired giant stumbled blindly into the larger space of the library, coughing before he closed the door behind him and shut the curtain for good measure. Still coughing and sputtering, he turned around and waved the remainder of the blue fog away from his face.  

“My goodness, Maevis!” Barnaby exclaimed, moving towards the end of the table closest to the giant. “Are you alright? That was quite a bang.”

The giant coughed a few more time and adjusted his maroon robes, pulling down his yellow vest over his pot belly, and straightened the white leather gloves on his hands. “Oh yes, perfectly fine. Just a mild – cough – miscalculation. Forgot to carry over the variable element and when the primal sources don’t quite get along, well...you see, they make quite the light show when they haven’t the proper buffers. Nothing to worry about, my friend. Nothing at all. Though, I will need some more Yewling Root now. Blast. And Farris has already left for the markets, I’d imagine. I suppose I might try Garrish Parsley...”

“Well, while you think of equivalent herbal exchanges, come greet our new guest,” Barnaby told the giant as he turned and made his way back over to Nenani and Jae. The giant’s honey colored eyes drifted up to follow Barnaby. They fell on Nenani and he smiled warmly.

“Well, well, well,” said Maevis amicably as he approached, pulling a chair along with him in the same motion. He sat lightly into it to bring himself a little closer to the three human’s level. His attention focused on Nenani. “What a pleasant surprise, indeed! What might your name be, little one?”

“Nenani,” she said.

His honey eyes began to sparkle. “Named for the Daehil Nenani river, I take it?”

She nodded.

“That name carries a great amount of history with it,” Maevis said said, gesturing with one hand. “Barnaby would be more qualified to explain the particulars, but I do believe it was tradition to name the – oh what was it? - the first born of the sixth child? Something to do with the golden ratio and symbolizing infinity. I think. Or renewal. It has been many years since I’ve read anything on Silvaaran naming customs. The book was rather large...”

Barnaby laughed. “Your memory serves you proper, my friend. That is correct. The first born of the sixth child. Daehil, if they be a boy, and Nenani, if they be a girl. It was widely believed for many years in Silvaara that what you were named greatly affected your life. Your name, your family, which patron saint’s star you were born under. Very superstitious lot we were. And also why our King’s all took the name Haeral upon ascension to the throne.”

“Yep,” Jae added. “Luckily, all that nonsense was reserved mostly for the upper crusts. Otherwise I’d be named Ruthren Feithchild, born under Timinus the Wise, and be destined to be a magistrate. But nope. I’m Jae. Named after my Dad who was named after his Dad and so on and so forth. Because shoe makers are boring. So instead of all that, I am destined to wander around a giant castle, spilling gravy on Queens and sabotaging hard won treaties. What a waste of my talents that would have become a judge.”

“Agreed,” Maevis said with a humerus grin. “Diplomacy and politics never did suit you, I’m sorry to say, my boy. But then again, we wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Jae laughed and waved a hand dismissively. “Oh stop Maevis, you’re making me blush.”

“Now, my dear Nenani,” Maevis said, turning back to the little girl and planting his hands on his lap with a flourish. “How might you have found yourself in our midst? We don’t get many new humans these days.”

“That is right!” Barnaby exclaimed, moving to his table and ruffling among a pile of papers, pulling out a leather bound journal and quickly grabbing up a quill. “I shall need to write this down.”

Jae turned to Nenani. “Told you he’s want to write it down.”

“Where...where should I start?” she asked, looking at her audience.

“Anywhere you feel is proper, my dear,” Barnaby replied as he settled on his stool, quill at the ready. “Anywhere at all.”

So she told them how she had found herself trapped in the persimmon basket for several days, trying to escape and being caught by Yale, how she had been sick with the red reap – much to everyone’s very clear shock – and how the King had ultimately given her to Farris. It did not take long to tell and no one interrupted her, but Barnaby had an odd look on his face as he scribbled with ardent flecks of his quill. When his writing stopped, he regarded her with a soft expression. “Forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds, but I feel I need to ask: where are your parents, my dear?”

“They died,” she said simply.

“May I inquire as to the circumstances?” he asked gently, but he was quick to add, “If it is a tender subject I will not press you, please understand. I do not wish to upset you.”

She could have made it simple and omitted the major facts as she always did, glazing over the painful details of that day three years ago. Or was it four? Almost four. Gods, had it really been that long ago?

She thought on it for a moment, sifting through the darker corners of her memory. “They...well. They went to visit a friend and left me with my Uncle. When it got late and they hadn’t returned, my Uncle went out looking for them. It was a rule that no one should be out at night. They found my Dad. He’d...he had been murdered. And his sword was missing. They think that’s what he was killed with. His own sword. Because of the marks.”

Jae’s face was unreadable, but there was an intensity to his eyes that she found surprising. Both Maevis and Barnaby looks horrified and sympathetic.

“And you’re mother?” Maevis pressed gently.

Nenani shrugged and in a small voice, she admitted, “They never found her.”

“How do they know she’s dead?” Jae asked.

“My Uncle was very insistent that I not hold onto the hope that she was alive,” she replied. “And I guess after a few years I believed him. I mean, if she was alive, she would have come back. I know she would have.”

“I’m so sorry, my child,” Barnaby murmured, carefully making notes in his journal.  

“So was it your Uncle took care of you?” Maevis asked. “After your parent’s passing.”

She nodded, allowing the ghost of a smile to break through.. “Yeah. He was a fisherman. He tried to teach me, but I was never good at sailing or reading the tides or anything. I can throw a line pretty good, though.”

“And where is he?”

“There was a fire. A...really big fire. It destroyed the village’s entire fleet. A lot of men didn’t come back. He was one of them.”

“Oh you poor thing!” Maevis exclaimed. “How awful.”

She could have left it there and let them be satisfied with what she had said. But something inside compelled her to keep talking. A strange desire for someone, anyone, to understand. She had mentioned it to Yale and had managed to not allow her feelings to get away from her. He had even smiled at the idea and it made it all the easier to believe him. But in that moment, the real dread was seeping through her carefully built defenses.  

“They said it was my fault,” she added, her voice almost a whisper. There was a pain in her throat as she started to choke back the encroaching emotions. “That they were dead because of me.”

“Why would anyone say such a thing?”

“They said I was cursed,” she replied, her hands clenching the fabric of her skirt hard enough to turn her knuckles white. “That my parents deaths’ were an omen and the fire proved it. That I was cursed.” She began to sob. “...and they kicked me out. They said…they said I was dangerous.”

Arms were suddenly pulling her forward and her face was pressed into someone’s chest. Jae’s voice spoke above her. “Don’t ever think any of that was your fault, kid. Never. Let those cowards and idiots say whatever the hell they want, but never – and I mean never – believe a lick of it. They made you a scapegoat for their own stupid fears because bad things were happening and they didn’t understand why. It’s not you. It never was. It was always them.”

“...how can you know?” she breathed. “What if I am?”

“Well, there is a simple enough way for us to tell,” Maevis said confidently. Nenani turned him, scrubbing at her watery eyes.

“T-there is?” she asked.

He smiled kindly at her, nodding. “Of course there is! My dear, I happen to be a practitioner of the magical arts and while I am not one for shameless boasting, I freely admit to being quite good at it. I shall be able to sniff out any hint of a malicious spell about your person.”

Nenani’s heart leaped into her throat and she stood a little taller, looking into Maevis’s face with pleading eyes. “Y-you can? Really?”

He hummed in the affirmative and nodded. “If you’ll indulge me for a brief moment.”

Maevis carefully reached out to scoop her up into his gloved hands. He stood slowly and made his way over to a book shelf where a comparatively small chest sat between two large fat tomes. He shifted her to one hand and opened the chest up, reaching in and pulling out a magnifying glass before closing it shut. He walked closer to the center of the room where a bean of light from a window far above their heads shone down. Raising her up to eye level, he brought the magnifying glass to one eye and studied her, humming in contemplation as he did so. Nenani sat stiff as a board, heart hammering against her chest and watched him with wide nervous eyes.

The giant honey colored eye, made larger by the glass, shift and dart minutely as he studied her. Her arms began to tremble as she was overcome with the notion that she did not want to know after all. She could go on pretending that it did not bother her. Because what if she really was cursed? What if all those bad things were because of something she had done? Whatever it had been that warranted a curse be put on her head. What if her Uncle really was dead because of her?

Her father, cut down by his own sword.

Her mother, taken away and never to return.

All…because...of her.

Nenani saw the magician’s eye pause and the contemplative quirk of his mouth fell into a concerned frown. He took in a startled breath and her heart sank, fell through her feet, and crashed into a million pieces onto the floor so very far below.

Oh Gods, it was true! She was cursed! Despite herself, she hung her head and bite her lip. Fat droplets of water fell down her face to drip off her chin and she hiccuped out a sob.

“Well, there can be no doubt,” Maevis said with an air of finality as he moved back to the table, setting down the magnifying glass and bring his hand back up to cup Nenani in his hands. She was quaking now, terrified of the answer, but his eyes told her the truth. She was cursed. She was a wicked decrepit thing that had brought ruin and death to her people. Maybe it would have been better if she had died on that boat with her Uncle that night…

“Not a drop,” he said at last.

Nenani looked up with watering eyes. “Huh?”

Maevis smiled indulgently, his honey eyes soft and regarded her kindly. “You haven’t a spec, drop, or string of malignant magic about you, little one.”

“…n-no curse?” she asked with a small voice, not daring to hope that she had heard correctly.

“No curse,” he affirmed. The wave of relief that overcame her felt as though someone had poured cool water over her feverish head. But the tears did not stop. In fact they seemed to only increase and she covered her face as her shoulders rocked with relieved sobs. Built up guilt and fear that had dug itself into her soul and settled like sediment was breaking up and being washed away. The large hands below her shifted and she was tucked against Maevis’s chest as he took his seat, patting her back and murmuring to her. “Oh, oh, there now. Shhh. Poor little dear. Come now, let me see those pretty eyes.”

He pulled her from his chest far enough to bring a large white handkerchief to her face, dabbing lightly at her wet cheeks. Her cries were ebbing way now, leaving her utterly drained and exhausted.

“There,” Maevis said, looking down at the little girl with a sympathetic smile and tucking the piece of fabric back into his robes. “All better.”

He sat her back onto the table, catching her when her legs wobbled unsteadily under her, and waiting until she was steady on her own before pulling away.

“Thank you,” she told Maevis meekly, embarrassed at her display.

“Think nothing of it,” he told her. “In fact, I believe I have just the cure for such morose moods. Tea!”

With that, the magician stood up with vigor and walked back towards the velvet curtain, pulling it aside, and stepping through the door beyond.

“That does sound lovely,” Barnaby said, coming up beside Nenani. “Come sit, my dear. Have a rest.”

Jae was leaning against the table, watching her closely. There was an understanding in his eyes. It was a little odd for him to be so quite, but after a time, he seemed to shrug off whatever it was occupying his thoughts and he smirked at her.

“Maevis makes the best tea,” Jae said. “Grows his own plants and dries the leaves himself.”

“A man cannot have too many hobbies, my boy!” came Maevis’s cheerful voice from inside the far room.

“Do you know how tea is made?” Barnaby asked her. It was a clear attempt at steering the topic of conversation towards more pleasant topics. Which was just fine with her.

“No,” she replied.

“It’s a fascinating process. All tea comes from the same plant, but it is the manner with which those leaves are processed that yields all the vast varieties that we enjoy. Controlled oxidation and fermentation! First the leaves are allowed to dry. Then they are bruised. On purpose, mind you. Bruising is very important as it aids in the oxidation. The more oxidized and fermented the leaf, the blacker the tea. So to achieve a firm and robust black tea, the leaves are thoroughly bruised and oxidized while a lighter tea such as green or white, there is none to little bruising and the oxidation and fermentation period is much shorter.”

As Barnaby spoke about the peculiarities of the makings of tea, Nenani became aware of just how tired she was and her sobbing episode had done little to remedy that fact. Maevis was a magician, so surely he was the expert concerning curses and such and to hear from a professional that she was definitively not cursed was beyond anything she could have hoped for and she was very happy despite the tears.

So she sat on Barnaby’s small wooden stool as the archivist and Jae fell into conversation regarding their preference of tea. Barnaby was valiantly defending white tea as an incredibly underappreciated drink while Jae insisted that only black tea was worth drinking. Nenani decided not to weigh in as she had very little experience regarding tea. It was not a regularly consumed beverage in the Southlands, at least in her village. They simply could not afford it and their version of tea consisted of various weeds and grasses and sometimes seaweed boiled in water. She never liked the seaweed tea, even if the older villagers claimed it soothed their rheumatism. She preferred sour grass tea that, despite the name, was actually mildly sweet.

It was not too long after that Maevis returned carrying a small tray laden with a tea pot and several cups.  Giant cups. He silently sat the tray down near the three humans and Nenani wondered if he was expecting them to drink from giant cups. The idea seemed to be cemented when he began to pour the tea into the cups, looking to Jae and Barnaby and listening in on their conversation as he did so.

“How do you take your tea, Nenani?” he asked her.

“Uh...” she began.

“One cream, three sugars!” quipped Jae, raising his hand.

Maevis regarded the young man with a reprimanding, but amused tilted of his head. “Yes, yes, I am well aware of how you take your tea, Jae. I was asking Nenani.”

“Um...I don’t know,” she replied. “Is...there a correct way to drink tea?”

Maevis grinned and laughed. “Now that is a loaded question! Careful with that one, my dear. Wars have been fought over such questions.”

“What he means,” Jae explained. “Is that it’s a very personal choice.”

“How about this,” Maevis said. “One cream, one sugar, and that will give you somewhere to start and next time you’ll have a better idea, hm?”

She nodded, still confused as to how any of them aside from Maevis would be managing any tea drinking from a cup the size of a barrel. She watched the giant prepare all four cups according to everyone’s preference and once all were ready, he picked up Nenani’s. Maevis peeked at her from the corner of his eye and smirked knowingly and...it began to shrink in his hands.

Nenani gasped, watching wide eyed with wonder as the giant cup shrank smoothly until it was perfectly portioned to human size, sitting innocently in the center of the magician’s palm.

“H-how did you do that?” Nenani asked with a bright smile, delighted by the blatant display of magic.

“Years of study and practice,” he replied, lowering his hand close to her so she could retrieve the cup. “A remarkable and endlessly useful little trick, I must say. Especially when one’s friends tend to be on the -shall we say- shorter side.”

She grinned widely and watched with growing wonder and excitement as he repeated the trick with both Jae’s and Barnaby’s cups.

“Never seen magic before?” Jae asked, taking a long drink from his cup.

She shook her head. “Nu-huh.”

“Truly?” Maevis asked, sounding shocked. “Well, it pleases me greatly to be the first.”

She took a tentative sip from her cup and marveled at how far a cry the taste was from the tea with which she was accustomed. It was sweet, but not overly so and the cream mellowed out the deeper earthy flavor of the tea itself. It was delicious. She took a longer drink and hummed appreciatively.

“I believe she approves,” Barnaby said with a smile, sipping lightly at his own cup. “There’s nothing better than a good cup of tea. Especially as the season changes.”

“Wholeheartedly agreed,” Maevis added with a placid smile.

The settled into a content and largely silent spell of time where they nursed their drinks. The warm tea warmed Nenani’s belly and she could not muffle the yawn that rose up through her chest and stretched her mouth.

Barnaby laughed softly. “I do hope we haven’t tired you out, my dear.”

She was quick to reassure the man. “No, it’s just everyone downstairs gets up really early and they go to bed really late.”

“Well that won’t do,” Barnaby replied. “Children need their sleep. Much more than I’m sure their schedule allows for.”

“Is that why Avery was serenading the rafters with his caterwauling?” Jae asked with a laugh. “Trying to keep you awake?”

Nenani made a face. “Something like that...”

Maevis sat his cup down and stood up. “Well, I might have just the thing for you.”

‘Just the thing’, as it turned out, was a small bottle filled with violet liquid. He shrank it and handed it to Jae with the instructions of adding ‘just a drop’ to the remainder of Nenani’s tea. As she and Barnaby  questioned the magician on what exactly the liquid was, Jae was carefully eyeballing the small drop that dangled from the brim of the bottle over the tea cup. Maevis barked out a laugh at something Barnaby suggested and Jae started. A little more than ‘just a drop’ of the liquid spilled into the tea cup.

Jae hurriedly put the stopper back into the bottle and sat it aside to swirl the tea and potion mixture. He handed the cup to Nenani as though nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.

“Now, it’s not the most palatable thing ever,” Maevis said as Nenani took a drink of her tea. She reared back at the taste hit her tongue and she squinted at the overly bitter and medicinal flavor. “But it should do the trick. A little ‘pick me up’, if you will. Very useful when the need for sleep interferes with one’s academic pursuits.”

Close to an hour later, it became apparent that they had a problem on their hands. Nenani no longer felt tired and the time passed smoothly through pleasant conversation. But, rather than feeling well refreshed and rested, Nenani became more and more energetic as the afternoon progressed. The time to return her back to the kitchens prior to Farris’s return was drawing nearer and nearer and her energy only seemed to be increasing.

Maevis was understandably concerned. Jae thought it was hilarious. Until Barnaby reminded him that he would be the one explaining to the Spice Master why his ward was, for lack of a better term, vibrating. As the humans and magician pondered helplessly for a solution, Nenani was content to bounce in her seat. One side effect, besides the seemingly boundless energy, was that she suddenly found everything very humerus.

“...maybe they won’t notice?” Jae suggested. Three pairs of eyes focused on Nenani who was quietly giggling at her feet as she swung them out and bounced up and down on her seat. Jae deadpanned. “Okay, maybe they’ll notice.”

He groaned and laid his head in his hands. “One week. One week where someone doesn’t end up pissed off at me. Is that too much to ask for? Am I being selfish?”

“Don’t fret,” Maevis replied. “This is not a permanent state. It shall wear off in time. My worry is that given the unknown amount she ingested, we do not have the full scope of how her metabolism might be affected.”

“You mean when the happy juice wears off,” Jae said. “She’s gonna crash and it’s now a question of when and how hard?”

Maevis nodded gravely, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “Precisely.”

“Farris is gonna kill me...” Jae groaned.

“And I doubt that I won’t be far behind...” added Maevis.

Barnaby walked over to Nenani and held out his hands which she took with alacrity and hopped off the stool. “I think,” the archivist began, smiling. “The best course of action is to simply tell the truth. Lying will do us no good. If there is one thing Farris respects above all, it is the plain truth.”

“No bullshit,” Jae translated.

“Language!” Maevis chided.

So it was that Nenani and Jae bid farewell to Barnaby and Maevis, disappearing through the small door set into the ground and down the great stairs. After the door closed behind them, the first thing Nenani did was bound down the steps three at a time.

“Fucking hells!” Jae cursed, rushing down after her. He caught her arm at the bottom, frowning when she just giggled at him. “Don’t do that! Bouncing like a frog and laughing like an idiot is one thing, but I am not going to be the one to explain your neck being broken too!”

“But I didn’t break my neck!” she replied, smiling all the while. “And it was fun!”

Jae sighed in exasperation. “Let’s just get you back to the kitchens in one piece, alright?”

“Okay!” she chirped and began skipping back down the tunnel.

[netunleashed-blog]

'The Bachelorette': Tia Admits She Still Has Feelings for Colton Days After He Reveals He's in Love With Becca

http://www.internetunleashed.co.uk/?p=9213 'The Bachelorette': Tia Admits She Still Has Feelings for Colton Days After He Reveals He's in Love With Becca - http://www.internetunleashed.co.uk/?p=9213 Oh, how we appreciate a good love triangle! It's usually betweenThe Bacheloretteand a couple of men on the ABC dating show, but Monday's episode treated us with a little surprise when Tia returned to help Becca cut her four final guys down to three -- and admitted she still has feelings for Colton. As fans of the show know, Tia and Colton revealed earlier this season that they had a brief fling before Becca became the Bachelorette. Becca confessed to feeling uncomfortable with the situation, but both Tia and Colton told Becca those feelings were in the past. She decided to keep Colton around, and their feelings grew -- until he told Becca on his hometown date that he was full-on in love with her. But that's not the only drama that went down on Monday's episode (looking at you, Blake). Here's what happened: Garrett's Great DateThough he's seen his fair share of drama outside the show, Garrett's hometown date was pretty straightforward. He and Becca planted tomatoes on his family's farm before going to meet them. They were all worried about Garrett moving on after his seemingly traumatic divorce. His sister cried and his mom issued a stern warning, insisting, "I take my family very seriously, very seriously." But everyone got along great, and Becca seemed to get the Yrigoyen stamp of approval. Jason's Going For ItJason's mom was also pretty tough, as after her heart to heart with the Bachelorette, she told Jason, "I couldn't read if she's falling for you." Ouch. But it was Jason's brother who was the true romantic in the family, pushing him to move it along and share his true feelings with Becca. Jason told Becca he was in love with her "with the most confidence I've had," and solidified himself as maybe the greatest kisser in Bachelor Nation. Blake's Continued BombshellsNext came Blake, and this one could have gotten its own episode. The 28-year-old sales rep brought Becca back to his old stomping grounds at Platte Canyon High School in Colorado, aka the place where his mom, who worked at the school, probably fell in love with his coach and ended up leaving his dad (remember that bombshell?). Anyway, Blake didn't even address that drama during the episode, instead opening up about another trauma, revealing that he experienced a school shooting when he was a senior. He, his mom and his little sister were all on campus when a stranger camping in the area opened fire, and ended up taking the life of a student. "It changed my outlook on life," Blake admitted, before trying to lighten the mood by surprising Becca with a Betty Who concert in the gym (how did he set that up, Bachelor producers?). Becca then met his family, and we're still trying to figure out if she also met his old coach that his mom fell in love with. While they were worried about Blake, they could all tell he really loved Becca, and honestly, we believe it too. A+ on you, Blake! Colton and KidsLast was Colton, who took Becca to work with kids benefiting from his foundation for people with Cystic Fibrosis. They had a great time, and then headed over to meet his family, where he awkwardly brought up to his mom the fact that he was still a virgin (she said it was awkward, too) and his dad told Becca that he'd prefer she break up with his son now, rather than down the road (FORESHADOWING). Colton couldn't have thought the date went any better, however, and he told Becca he's in love with her. Here's Where It Gets Tricky Becca then reunited with her pals -- Bekah, Kendall, Caroline, Tia and Seinne -- for a little girl talk about hometowns to help her decide who she can really see as her future husband. Then Tia brought her aside. "When I think about Colton, if I'm being completely honest with myself, I do still have feelings for Colton," she told Becca, who was shocked, even though we weren't. "It makes me sick to my stomach." "I wish I would have known that," Becca coldly replied, before telling the camera how she really felt. "I thought we put that to bed weeks ago... It makes me frustrated, it makes me angry, it hurts my heart. I don't want to lose any friendship over a guy, but the last time I saw Colton, he told me that he loves me, and so now I don't know what to do." Fantasizing About the Fantasy SuiteWhile Becca mulled it over, Colton, high on life, anxiously approached Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony to get advice on how to handle his virginity in the fantasy suites he unfortunately wasn't going to (spoiler alert). "I want to know sort of what the expectations are," he said, as Chris, trying to keep a straight face, insisted everything would be alright, "as long as you and Becca are on the same page." Colton then lined up with the other men as Becca made her choice... to move forward with everyone but him. Interestingly enough, she said her conversation with Tia "didn't change anything," but she also didn't tell Colton that Tia still had feelings for her. Guess we'll have to see how that plays out in Paradise. But for now, we're still in Bachelorette mode, and the promo for next week is GIVING US LIFE! The guys are all in love with her and she's seemingly on cloud nine -- until she's not. "What am I doing?" she cries. "I literally just did to him what Arie did to me!" Drama! The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC. Talk about this week's episode and much more on Facebook at Group Date: ET's Bachelor Nation Support Circle. RELATED CONTENT:  ‘Bachelorette’ Fan Favorite Wills Reid Reveals If He’s Been Approached to Be the Next Bachelor (Exclusive) 'The Bachelorette': Becca Kufrin Walks Away After One Man Reveals He's a Virgin ‘The Bachelorette’ Sneak Peek: Tensions Rise as a Man Calls Becca’s Date Pick a ‘Slap in the Face’ (Exclusive) Related Gallery Source link

[recentanimenews]

Bookshelf Briefs 3/27/17

It’s the Affordable Briefs Act!

The Boy and the Beast, Vol. 3 | By Mamoru Hosada and Renji Asai | Yen Press – This novel, and in turn this manga, is at heart about an adopted dad and son who have issues that cause them to lash out, but get along well anyway. Kyuta has the excuse of being a teenager who has met a nice girl and also runs into his birth father again but can’t pick up where he left off. Kumatetsu is simply a bear man with massive anger and abandonment issues. But they both manage to man up and evolve to another level in this book, which is immensely satisfying until the cliffhanger, where everything goes horribly wrong. This should wrap up next time, and it’s an excellent adaptation, with nicely expressive art and some cool fight scenes at the end. – Sean Gaffney

A Centaur’s Life, Vol. 11 | By Kei Murayama | Seven Seas – I’m still reading this series, mostly because I want to see how many times it makes me stare at the page in disbelief. Half of its is still slice-of-life monster girls, with chapters like “little girls’ first day at school” and “are the main cast good enough to try being idols?.” And then you get chapters with frog terrorists breaking into a brothel and slaughtering nearly everyone in order to rescue one of their own, or the human soldier who’s involved in a war with the same frogs and runs into phenomenal prejudice from the other soldiers, which is clearly meant to be a commentary on World War II. Either of these genres might be interesting by itself. Together they’re a hopeless mishmash, and I mostly just end up frustrated. – Sean Gaffney

Complex Age, Vol. 4 | By Yui Sakuma | Kodansha Comics – If there was an award for introducing a character to a series and immediately making you hate her so much that every time you see her on the cover you’re filled with the urge to kick her face in, then Yui Sakuma would surely win it. Rui is the girl whose shabby cosplay Nagisa shamed back in volume one, and now she’s back, having become a perfectionist herself. Clearly unhinged, she’s outraged by newbie Aya receiving Nagisa’s attention and sics internet trolls on her. I might hate her, but I love that Nagisa must compare herself to Rui and articulate how she’s different. Because of this interaction, and the way Nagisa breaks things off with her boyfriend after he’s critical of a chubby friend enjoying cosplay, I’ve got a stronger sense of her character than ever before. I can’t believe there are only two more volumes of this series! – Michelle Smith

Everyone’s Getting Married, Vol. 4 | By Izumi Miyazono | VIZ Media – Guess what? Asuka still wants to get married and Ryu still doesn’t. Shocker, I know. A sizable portion of this volume focuses on the insecurities each has regarding someone else in the other’s life—for Ryu it’s Kamiya, a banking-industry comrade of Asuka who sees her as his perfect woman and has proposed to her, while for Asuka it’s married actress Yuko Sakura, Ryu’s former lover and co-host of a new music program. The resolutions to these situations are sweet, and there’s one comment by Ryu that suggests a bit of thawing on the marriage question, but I admit it’s all beginning to feel a bit repetitive to me. That said, I did like the oneshot at the end, and will definitely continue reading the series. – Michelle Smith

He’s My Only Vampire, Vol. 10 | By Aya Shouoto | Yen Press – We’ve reached the end of this series, and I will definitely give it credit for not ending the way that I was expecting to. The school life is not making a comeback, as the final battle between Aki and Eriya proves to be life-changing and not something that you can walk back. As for the battle itself, it’s filled with last-minute plot twists and turns that unfortunately did not have as much impact on me as they should have. This series has an unfortunate habit of being interesting while I read it but immediately forgettable otherwise. But it looks quite pretty, and certainly those who love vampire romance got their money’s worth. Probably my favorite Shouoto series, though it still had a lot of issues. – Sean Gaffney

Kiniro Mosaic, Vol. 2 | By Yui Hara | Yen Press – Slice-of-life fluff is always difficult to review, even in brief format. “The cute girls do cute things” doesn’t really tell you anything. We do see more of their teacher, who appears to be well-meaning but a bit ditzy, and Youo seems to settle into her role as the closest this series has to a normal girl. For the most part, if you liked volume one you’ll like the second—there’s still yuri tease that doesn’t really go beyond “I really like you in a blushy way,” there’s still “these girls are all airheads in various ways” humor, and Karen continues to be the only one who suffers from not being a strong enough stereotype. If you enjoy this sort of series, it’s good fun, but it’s quite inessential, even for yuri fans. – Sean Gaffney

Love at Fourteen, Vol. 6 | By Fuka Mizutani | Yen Press – It’s been a year since we last saw this series, but not much has changed. Kanata and Kazuki still awkwardly pursue a secret relationship, even as Kanata realizes that “I love you” has never actually been said. A lot of Japanese romances involve the idea that deeds are always more important than words, and this proves to be the case here as well. We also discover that there is more than one lesbian character in the series, which is surprising, and nice to see. As for Nagai and Hinohara, that’s there as well, and we see she’s not above abusing his obvious crush on her to get him to do something for the school, though it backfires on her somewhat. Ignoring the power issues with that ship, this remains a great manga for romance fans. – Sean Gaffney

Of the Red, the Light, and the Ayakashi, Vol. 6 | By nanao and HaccaWorks* | Yen Press – Oh dear, and now we’re running in place again. There’s a lot that goes on here, but there’s less forward progression than I like. We do get some nice backstory between the fox-tailed miko of the shrine and the ayakashi killer, and we also learn, and I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was, that there is more to Tsubaki’s sister than it appears. (If nothing else, I guess that means I can rely on her to not get killed for the sake of drama in the next book.) But I have similar issues with this series and He’s My Only Vampire, in that I find it very hard to keep track of everything that’s happening, even with the release being relatively fast in North America. For fantasy fans. – Sean Gaffney

Of the Red, the Light, and the Ayakashi, Vol. 6 | By HaccaWorks* and nanao | Yen Press – Akitoshi and Akashi have partnered together to infiltrate the shrine of Utsuwa, but once Akitoshi realizes Akashi doesn’t care if other people get hurt, he joins up with Yue instead to look for their missing friend, Tsubaki. Once everyone gathers inside, Akashi and Mikoto have a standoff, and some of their past is revealed. Honestly, although I found this volume to be fast-paced and interesting, it’s also still fairly confusing at times. Some of what puzzles me are mysteries yet to be explained, but I’m also not sure why Yue, a vessel of someone important like Shin, was also destined to be someone else’s meal. I strongly suspect this series will benefit from a straight-through reading rather than in installments. Still recommended, though! – Michelle Smith

That Wolf-boy Is Mine, Vol. 4 | By Yoko Nogiri | Kodansha Comics – And so, a heartwarming tale comes to a close. Komugi’s memories of Yu and friends have been buried by Yata-sensei, but thankfully it doesn’t take too long for her to recover them. I very much liked seeing the other ayakashi boys arguing in favor of their relationship, and we finally learn what happened twelve years ago. It’s a pleasant and non-surprising ending, and it is satisfying, though I confess I still kind of hoped Komugi would end up with Rin. What pleasantly surprised me, though, was the absolutely lovely bonus story about Senri, the two-tailed cat who has been most distant from the main narrative, and the time he loved and was loved by a human. I enjoyed this series very much and hope we see more of Nogiri’s work here in the future. – Michelle Smith

By: Michelle Smith

[cerebusfire17]

Progression and Recovery 3-20-17

TL;DR I’ve figured out it never mattered that ***** isn’t here. There are other people, and also, I probably am better off not being friends with a whore. <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Okay, so after the whole thing with my coworker (Where she was actually considerate and curious about my daughter, Alice), my mind is slowly but steadily going back to the way it was, and all of my emotions are finally getting set back into place.

Which is good, because being emotional and shit really pisses me off. I can’t think right, and it just clouds my judgement completely. I don’t understand or even know why my mind calmed and I felt so much of the burden lessen, but it did, and it made me realize something....

***** really IS A BITCH!

Okay, so check it out: I think it was last Saturday or some shit, right? And I go and make a new twitter cause I wanted to do some ARGs. I deleted my old one because of ****** (the bitch) but I started into some new stuff on Youtube, and I decided to make a new one just to play the games.

GUESS WHO JUST HAPPENS TO SHOW UP UNDER WHATEVER THE FUCK TWITTER FEATURES AS A SUGGESTION?! The bitch.

So, like a cheetah hunting on the savannah, or safari, or wherever the fuck they hunt, I start stalking the shit outta her twitter, and two dates: January 15 and January 16. The last I talked to ***** was January 13, two days after my birthday. (I just now remembered that she didn’t even have the balls to say happy birthday to me. Cunt) January 15 said “I want to lift people up, and surround myself with people just like that. January 16 said, “Well, I’m alone, but it’s better to be alone than have a toxic friend and keep hanging on.”

Bitch, are you fucking retarded?  The answer is FUCKING YES, YOU ARE!

How do you want to lift some people up, but not the ones you’ve known for over a decade, specifically one who’s done whatever they could for your selfish ass, you ungrateful bitch. Do you know how many times I got my ass beat by my dad for taking food from the church and giving it to you because I knew you guys were starving? EVERY SINGLE TIME! Second, What the fuck do you mean by “toxic?” I keep trying to think of some meaning to that word, but it doesn’t have any. It’s a fucking label, and I HATE labels, especially ones used against me by the very people who possibly define it to a goddamn T.

It wasn’t until yesterday, when that nurse just wanted to talk to me as a person and showed consideration, did I realize that THAT is what I needed from ***** , that I found that I didn’t need at all. The validation, I think is what it was now that I’m writing this, is what gave me so much peace. It’s addictive, and I want to talk to about her more to people who might know about her. It was never about *****; it was about having someone believe she is and was just as alive and well as I am. I want people to know she exists so she never can die, at least in my heart anyway.

That’s what made me so angry in the beginning. I could give a shit less about the relationship now, but my daughter.... she was important, and I felt that if ***** didn’t saying anything about her, she didn’t exist. But to have that nurse talk to me about her changed that for me. She doesn’t feel like a hallucination anymore, a bad dream. She feels so much more real. I can only hope that if there is an afterlife, and I do end up in hell, that, if there is a god, he’ll let me hold her one more time before I go. If I could hold her in my arms and tell her I love her to the moon and back just one more time, I would be so grateful and eternally happy. I love her so much, nobody will ever know, and not many can actually come to terms to understand completely. 

When her mom told me that ***** was “heartbroken” that I lost Alice, I wanted to leave the hospital and strangle her to death, then bring her back, and stab her to death. She doesn’t have the RIGHT to be heartbroken. She doesn’t know what that word really is. She didn’t lose her best friend; I did. She didn’t lose her child; I did, while she still has her son. I have to live in fear of trying to get pregnant again and losing another daughter or even a son, while all she has to fear is whether or not I would ever try to talk to her again... which I won’t.

Over all of this, I have a theory. She’s doing all of this on purpose, because I won’t be with her, and my life is driving her nuts. 

Okay, so years ago, back in, I believe, 2014-- I’m living with my sis-in-law, my husband is in jail over doing something really, really, really goddamn stupid, and my best friend, currently living in NY, is getting ready to move down to the WV, yes. (I’m a born and raised West Virginia resident. Yes, I still have all of my teeth. No, I’m black. Yes, black people do live in West Virginia.) My husband, Matt, and I aren’t getting along. Literally went months not speaking to each other, mostly his fault by his own admission, but I still have some responsibility of being an asshole in the whole thing. I was barely scraping by, with a leech of a sis-in-law when it came to funds (To the point where I had to never mention money or how much I had around her. They never even knew I got a student loan while I lived there.), and a dealing with a husband that wouldn’t call or write back (he had a reason, he just didn’t tell me about it until later). His last letter to me wanted me to send money after we’d gone a while without talking. I would put whatever I could on commissary, but what he was asking for just made me want curl up in a ball and cringe. He made a confession about a situation that had been bugging me for a while, that made me think he was cheating before he went to jail. Our marriage was getting bad, and this letter made me feel like I was worthless. Worse, he wanted me to write a letter, pretending to be wanting a divorce, but it didn’t say why.

Fuck. No.

Why the hell would I write something like that in my own handwriting? So you can use it to pick up bitches? Is that what we’re doing? I’m not going to do something that would incriminate me as the asshole in something like that. I told ***** about it via the power of the Skype. I was angry and hurt and I didn’t understand what the hell his problem was or why he wasn’t telling me what was going on. I was lost, and she agreed that it was fucked up that I was being ignored and not told what the problem was (Interesting how the morals of the value have changed over the years, I should say)

Now, normally, what friends do is, you know, try to comfort you as best they can, even though its really awkward to have a snivling adult crying in front of you. My friend--My VERY best friend--asked me why I never told her I had feelings for her. “Uh, cause you always bitched about people trying to get with you.” was one answer I gave her. Another was “Plus, you turned me down like two years ago, remember?” Matt and I had broken up for a couple months before we got back together, and I had tried to talk ***** into hooking up. She declined and I backed off back to the friendzone where I belong. 

Which is fine, because I built a condo there, and nobody fucking bothers me. But now my friend is asking about a relationship with me, and I was pissed at my husband so it was like, “Fuck it, and fuck him.” ***** and I gave each other fictional names: Camel and Rose. If you can’t tell, I suck at naming on the spot, and Camel was the first thing I thought about for some reason. We roleplayed it like an RP, with Camel telling Rose, “I don’t need you to give me anything, I just want you.” and it was all cute, but then I started thinking of Matt.

Eventually, ***** did get back to Wv and stayed with her dad for a while. Once she got back, we kinda got drunk and made out. Twice. Her boobs are pretty soft too. But never sober, which is weird for me cause if I’m into you, I try to stay sober if anything could happen. ***** had to be drunk in order to kiss me. That was the first red flag.

Like, don’t get me wrong here. I’m the asshole in this situation for even participating in this while being married and I know better. And as much as I was enjoying the fantasy of finally getting the girl I’ve been wanting for years, Matt was more important than her. When I was flirting with her, I would think of what he would say in response, his humor, his way of looking at me with his light blue eyes, how he would tell me how much he loved me. Flirting with her made me miss him. I didn’t want her anymore, I wanted him. Whether it was written on my face or not, I’m not sure. I wanted him to say something, after three months of silence I needed him to say something.

So, I wrote a super mean letter to him, telling him I’m actually contemplating fucking my friend when she got back home because he’s being a silent asshole, and I made sure to list as much embarrassing shit as possible to get the point across that if you piss me off, I will make you friends laugh and feel bad for you. They read letters out loud in jail. 

He responded rather quickly, and in a pissed off way.

He was mad that I put out such personal shit that he shouldn’t have told me if he didn’t want me telling people in the first place. He was mad that I wouldn’t listen to him. He was mad that I wanted him to make a choice. He was mad that I didn’t understand what HE was going through, even though he hasn’t told me shit. He was mad that I let others know that a letter about faking a divorce. He was mad that I would leave him for a chick and I should just go ahead and do it if I meant it. He was mad that I would be so disloyal to him. He was mad that I stopped writing him after he stopped writing me. He was mad that I, struggling with paying leftover bills with a shit job at Hardee’s while his sister and her husband were sucking me dry finacially, was expecting him to be concerned with my situation when he was having a hard time in jail--which nothing he has mentioned previously has given any hint of that! He was mad because I blamed him for my crying, which was one of the first things he apologized for later on. He was mad about a lot of things. 

On the next page he started on the day after, he was calm, and he realized what was going on was partly his fault. He ended up calling me, and we wasted nearly $30 talking about everything and what we were going to do. He was still pretty upset about the pod getting to hear all that embarrassing shit, and I apologized for doing it, but it got his attention. I also apologized about what I was doing with ***** and told him everything, and he forgave me for, without skipping a beat. I still feel bad about it to this day, but I’m so happy he gave me another chance, even though I don’t think I deserve it at all. He did his best to explain that people in the jail were fucking with people, trying to blackmail them into having family members send money. I told my husband he was a fucking idiot for not saying anything. He said I should have realized what was going on sooner, which he’s probably right. we talked about the next I could visit, and we made a date, and gave our “I love you” and goodbyes.

The next day after getting the letter and talking to my husband on the phone, I talk to ***** via the almighty Skype and savior, and she starts telling me she feels guilty about everything and shit, right? I feel the same way, but as I’m about to tell her that I talked to Matt, She tells me, “I’m sorry, but the only way we would be together anyway is if you divorced Matt. If you want to do that, dude, that’s up to you, but I’m not going to encourage it.”

“Oh?” Bitch, what? No, seriously, what the fuck did you just say? I sat there, looking at her, trying to find words as to who the fuck she thought she was. I’m married and I’m being selfish, okay? I have two people in my heartstrings and shit, but I don’t believe I would ever have the audacity to make a passive-aggressive demand that someone leave their spouse for my pussy. It is not made of gold, it is just regular unleaded. Also, how the hell are you going to tell me you feel guilty after essentially starting an affair, and then turning around and saying you don’t want to “encourage” it. No, “continue.” Continue is the correct word you want to use, because it was already established. We crossed the line of flirting when we made out those times before, so as far as I’m concerned, we do have an affair because I feel like I cheated on my husband. Plus, it was more of an emotional affair than anything else, but an affair nontheless. 

Now, this isn’t totally crazy to say, but I’ve never had sex with this girl. Ever. I’ve just had a hidden lady boner for the past 15 years and I was cool with it. She was like my muse, but with Wifi and anime to watch. We’ve always just been friends. I’ve never had a different type of relationship with her other than that, so for her to ask me to leave a man I’d been with since 2009 and got five years in at that moment is kinda fucky.

What also kinda threw me was the fact that she had just gotten out of a relationship. JUST. Like, not even a month, and that relationship was a red flag itself, along with many other parts of all the relationships in her life. The guy she was with, Tyler, was best friends with George, ***** ’s ex boyfriend right before Tyler. And when I say right before, I mean they started fucking right before she moved out of the house of the guy she was still fucking...but he didn’t know that. And technically, Tyler chose her over his best friend, fucking up their relationship, possibly beyond repair--which I’ll never know cause I lost contact with both dudes over the years.

And that’s not the first story of her fucking over former flames either. There was a time--Actually when I was visiting her in NY is when she finally admitted the truth-- when she told me an ex, Jamison, hit her and she was done with him. Waaaay later though, she ends up telling me that she was smacking and shoving at him over and over, yelling “hit me” until he did it. Then she got with George. Then she broke up with George, and then moved in with George into his parents house. Then she meets Tyler.... Then there was Joey. She claimed he broke up with her because her house burned down and he didn’t want to be with a homeless girl. I thought it was weird, because she told me the day before that Joey wanted to move to Ohio with her, that he wanted to stay with her. I see the dude’s sister the next day and she’s telling me how heartbroken her brother is because ***** broke up with him. And then there’s Maria.... That’s an interesting story I’m not going to get into, but I digress;

The crazy bitch started to bring other things up to, like telling my family about our relationship because she would want them to know (Even though I was 26 at the time and an adult living somewhat on my own.) and that she doesn’t want to hide a lesbian relationship. Okay, I’m a fucking adult, and I don’t care who knows who I’m with, but there’s a two year warranty, okay? I didn’t tell my family about Matt until two years after we’d been together, okay? What the fuck makes you think you’re that special when we haven’t even been together yet for you to feel like a goddamn princess. I wouldn’t bring just anyone to my parents and be like “I hope you like this one. It lubricates it’s own motor instead of being a dipstick!” These are my parents: I’m not just going to bring whoever gave me an orgasm to them and present that person like they’re worthy enough to meet them. My parents are always going to be more important than any fuck I bring home, and they deserve better than a bitch who’s going to try and talk me out of my marriage.

Also, my father is a pastor, so that wouldn’t have been good. If it were to come down to alienating my family and possibly being disowned vs having my family in my life and staying the private person I am, the latter is more appropriate. I can fuck whoever I want, but only one set of people are going to take the time to smack the shit out of me and tell me to “watch” what I say or be introduced to the ground. And, unlike ***** , my parents showed up to the funeral  and actually give a shit about me as a person!

Then, she starts talking about her STD: Herpes. I didn’t even know she had contracted that, and that was YEARS ago when it happened. Now, I don’t really know if she was telling the truth about having the disease or if she was trying to make a test of my resolve, but either way I had to think about that. I’ve always tried to be with a person at least a year before going into the whole “no protection” thing, and I was finicky about that shit. Diseases everywhere, yet people want to keep fucking without a safety net, and It made me wonder  wtf.

Now, for a week, I had been making her videos (privately) about my issues and what actually has happened in my life to make me a bit “nuts” over the years. Later on that evening, after our weird conversation, I made a video for her to watch that had to do with not only my mental disorders and illnesses, but also talked about my molestation at 4 by a relative. Ten minutes after uploading the video, my friend--the woman who was trying to talk to me about leaving my husband and how I need to tell my parents about the non-existent “us,” and how I would need to handle her having herpes--tells me to stop sending those videos, that she “doesn’t have time for your bullshit. I have my own problems to deal with and I’m not about to deal with yours too. You need to go to a doctor, and stop making these. Either get what you want to say off your chest, or stop trying to talk to me about them.” She even went and elaborated that she was “not Matt.” 

Her being “not Matt” is the exact reason she couldn’t, wouldn’t, and will never take that man’s place.

I LITERALLY made a (extremely private and personal video about my life, which had things I hadn’t even shared with my husband yet) video about all of my troubles and childhood horrors, but this bitch wants me to accept an STD for her sake. Mind you, I haven’t even told her that Matt and I had talked and reconciled and shit, so she has no idea that she’s even sealed the deal that we would never be together. The way she reacted to the things I was telling her--and when I say telling, I mean, I would send her stuff and she never bothered to watch or take the time to fucking listen, the dumb bitch--was like dealing with my father, which is amazing being that he and ***** are both Libras. I’m a Capricorn who was also raised by a Virgo mother, so for anyone wanting to know how that went.

I ended up telling her to forget everything and not to bother. I don’t open up to people about things like that, and the stories behind some of them were really private, and she just tossed them away because she couldn’t be fucked. As I said before, ***** was my muse, and I would draw pictures of her, write poetry, flatter her to watch what beautiful face could be fueled for inspiration. But after her words, NOPE!

Fuck that shit. Ive never once blew off her issues [QUESTIONABLE] when she spoke to me about them, but for me to unload my burden for someone else to lift me up some? Nope. My husband has taken my issues and kept me going. he knows a lot--not everything, but enough to let me sleep at night. That’s a rare thing, and I’m lucky. I wouldn’t have gotten that kinda comfort and help from her. It didn’t fit her fantasy. How could I want to be with someone who won’t help me through my problems when I need them the most, just listening when I need them to. If she couldn’t even take the time to try and see if she could handle my issues with me, what’s the point. We would drive each other mad.

At some point, like a week after the letter and the call, we were on Skype on high and I finally told her about the letter. “Oh, well that’s great!” She said with a really chipper voice, but her face, and the way she said it... It bothered me. It struck with a sensation that was similar to how she responded to my admissions of insanity via the YouTube. It was completely the same. She was smiling, but she didn’t mean it. She sounds happy, but it doesn’t sound authentic, but practiced. 

Then, things took a strange turn. A couple months after that, ***** meets up with her husband, and they get married after being together a month. Her husband left a girl he was already engaged to in order to be with ***** .

I say again: HE LEFT HIS FIANCE IN ORDER TO BE WITH ***** . I would assume there’s a bit of a pattern here if I weren’t stupid, you know? And I’m pretty sure I’m not. And it almost seemed like a crazy move to make too. She just gets married? Just like that? Mind you, they’ve been friends since childhood, but really? Really? You don’t know a person until you live with them for an excessive amount of time. I don’t know how I would feel if I married someone after a month of dating. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m thinking too much into it, but I believe ***** got married to make me jealous somehow. Like I said it could be wrong, but it was just a move that didn’t make any fucking sense.

When she got prego with her son, I was jealous and wasn’t there as much as I should have been, but it was hard to deal with. I’ve always wanted to be a mother, at some point in life. My best friend was going to have a child, and then soon after other friends started having their own kids. Eventually, after %%%%% was born, Matt and I started trying. I got pregnant in April and lost that baby in june/july. We tried again and got pregnant in October with my daughter, Alice. I was excited.

I told ***** about it as soon as I found out. I told her everything first. I talked to **** about my baby all of the time. And then, in January, she decides to ditch me for no fucking reason.

Yesterday, when that Nurse came up to ask about my daughter and talk to me, she gave me something I thought I would never have and that I can never be given to me by ***** . My dear old friend abandoned me for no reason but for her own selfish reasons, but it’s not because of me. She calls me toxic, but we rarely saw each other and spoke through texts often, and sometimes didn’t get back to each other immediately and that was okay. Well, it was okay until she did it for days at a time, and then would call me to tell me she was upset that I wouldn’t call her or contact her in some manner more often. You would think toxicity wouldn’t be on a “every once and a while” kinda thing, you know?

My husband recently lamented with anger that he was pissed at the fact that ***** made the suggestion of me leaving the relationship for her. “If it were cheating, I would understand that and I wouldn’t be so upset about that. But telling someone ‘oh, you break up with your husband and we can be together’ is just fucked up. That’s just so you don’t have to feel like you’re a cheater is all.” Matt hadn’t really liked hanging out with ***** since then, and this situation makes him not like her at all. It’s rare that my husband hates someone, and I’m not sure he would admit to me completely either, but the way he talks about her now...

To be fair, I don’t blame him for not liking her at all. I don’t think he should be completely okay with me, but he did forgive me, but his anger goes more to her than to me. I’m not blaming @@@@@ for leaving his fiance for ******, but there seems to be a habit on her part of ruining other people’s relationships in order to get someone she caught her eye on, which is insane and I never realized it until I started telling my husband all of this. 

I had never had a reason to imply that my friend was a homewreaker, on a regular, but then again, she never really pissed me off either. Like my dad always said, “A friend to everyone is a friend to no one”? She knew what to say, I think, because we knew each other for so long, but looking back, all of her responses were generalized and only encouraged my mentality if anything, which is more confusing if she thinks I’m toxic. Why encourage the behavior if you don’t like it? The idea that, if someone slighted her, I would ignore a person if I believed they didn’t have a right to treat her unfairly plays heavy in my mind, because right now one of her sister in laws are playing the same game I would for her. As soon as I tried to ask her what was happening, she blocked me and refused to talk, and I swear it was like watching myself do something, and feeling bad for it.

None of the people I left behind ever came for answers, but then again, I would at least answer them before cutting the off. Something ***** doesn’t have the will or the courtesy to do for anyone she finds “useless”. In the end, she didn’t care about my daughter and she didn’t care at all about me. It still bothers me that she won’t even say my daughter’s name and understand she was important and a person, but that would mean giving me some solace, and she can’t do that. No, treating a person like a human being after they didn’t give you what you wanted is uncalled for in these times. She’s forgotten what it means to need people, because she now has a token for people wanting to have something to do with her, and it’s the very thing she ‘s going to end up hating very very soon. That token is going to make her realize how much she’ll hate herself. Reflection can be a bitch if you don’t take the time to be aware of who and what you are and what you’re doing with yourself.

My old friend, whom I believed loved and endeared me, proved herself as not to be the case; she can make you believe that she has interests, but they’re as shallow as her compassion is visual. The fact that she won’t even tell me what her problem is--Now that my brain is semi-functional at the moment--tells me that this isn’t about me. Over all these years, she’s been the first to tell me when I’ve done something wrong, and I’ve always responded in the way she believed would justify the action, but now is nothing but silence. It’s the words of a coward and a vindictive person.

To leave someone in the anguish of silence on purpose is fucked up; to FORCE a person into the anguish of silence is fucked up. If ***** wants to be alone or whatever the fuck, that’s fine and I wouldn’t have argued that, but to just leave without a word and forcing me to have nobody else to talk to about things that go on in a flash and not even show any compassion over my daughter is what an evil person does.

To call me toxic for being who I am is what an evil person does. What I am is not a reason to suddenly treat me like trash, you know? in the end, she would always say “I love your brain” and it made me want to punch and break her goddamn nose. What do you mean, you “love my brain”? what about the rest of me? What about my goals, my dreams, my nightmares, my issues? what about my personality, which stems from this fucking brain, which you call “Toxic”? What, you love my brain whenever it’s convenient for you, or when you need inspiration for what you’re feeling? Was I only there to coax you along, thinking that if I was around you could feed off of this brain? Did you believe this brain wouldn’t one day turn around and snap at you for doing what it considers wrong and painful? Because I’ve been in pain this entire time, pain you can’t even imagine. Losing two of the most important people in my life has changed the fuck out of me and I’m not the same person I thought I was. Everything is so different, including how I see myself.

I know I’m not the best person, but I try  to be a good person. I don’t fuck anyone over because it’s happen to me so much. I don’t hurt people who don’t deserve to get hurt, because I know what it’s like. I don’t try to interfere with other people’s lives, because nobody seems to bother with mine (until recently. now it seems more people cared than I thought). I sure as fuck know I wouldn’t do some shit to you as you’ve done to me. Unlike you, I don’t look at people like their a trait or a book character with really good background development. I’m a person: with emotions and thoughts, a paradigm of complexity that has developed over years of experience and nurturing and critical thinking with rationalization that has continued on with the developement of my growth to this very fucking day. “Toxic” is not what I am, it’s a description of something, and I am more than just a fucking description! 

I’m pessimistic, cynical, a total fucking cunt, make really morbid and dry humor jokes at others expense, I say fuck a lot, I’ve listened to people and done shit that I’m absolutely ashamed of, I’ve been the other woman and got my ass beat like I deserved and learned the hard way that you don’t try to interfere with someone else’s relationship and I never did it again. I have learned over the years through my own stupid actions not to fuck people over because it hurts people. You have yet to learn what I’ve learn. You’ve never tried to venture out and try to find people to communicate with; I have. Unlike you, I do struggle with connecting with people, and the ways I’ve gone about it have always fucked me over and that’s my fault entirely and I have to accept that and live with that everyday I’m on this planet. You use your shy nature to say you can’t be around people, but the exact opposite is true. I’ve had panic attacks in front of you so many times, and most of those times you’ve never even noticed it was because there was more than 4 people in a small ass room, or because someone was talking about something that just caused me to think of some fucked up shit. Never once have I ever remembered you asking me if I were okay. Someone else did. Someone else who was in the room did. If there was no one there, you ignored it. I remember that so fucking well.

See, unlike *****, I’ll stick around with a toxic person, even when they hurt me over and over. Unlike *****, I’ve never been good with goodbyes. Unlike *****, I guess I care too much. Idk, I’m venting a lot and coming off as a psychopath--which in all fairness, I am, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this, in a way that just says what I want to say but can’t. I don’t know, words can’t explain it, not verbally anyway. I have so much more in my head. I don’t think ***** is inherently evil, but I just don’t think she knows the shit she does has impact and doesn’t want to think about it, and that makes her evil. She has good traits.... I just can’t think of any of them anymore. It’s not that they’re gone, its just that I’m so fucking angry at you for this shit that they don’t matter anymore.

I swear to christ, if Wrath was a zodiac sign, Capricorn would be spot on. “The Grudge” by Tool describes it perfectly, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. The fact that my daughter died knowing that kind of pain and sorrow.... Just writing that make me want to punch a wall, man. She should have never had to know those feelings, ever, and you forced her to go through that less than a month before she died, and AAAARRRGH!

Okay, I’m going to chill before I piss myself off. I’m trying to deal with all of this, it’s just hard to, you know? It’s really, really hard, and I’m trying not to be too harsh in this, cause you know I’m a fucking nut and “toxic”, but I want some justice somewhere. I just want to feel like I have to say it out loud, because you’re part of the story of what happened to my child, whether you and I like it or not. I can’t think of Alice without thinking of you, and that’s hard. I don’t want to be angry anymore, but you haven’t been much help either.

I hope I can get over the anger, but I know I can get over you. I’ve been working on this for the past week, a little at a time, having to come back once I’ stopped being so angry and crying. I’m only a month and some odd days Post Partum, so I’m not going to be the same, and you will never understand how this feels. Nowhere close. You don’t know that empty can be an emotion too, and it’s worse than any depression you could face. Empty is like space.

Okay! I’m done. I will do my best not to bring this up again, unless I need to vent, or if something else could possibly happen, in which case hopefully nothing ends up being greasy shit going on. Trying to stay away from the fucky, so far.

Have a good one. Except for *****, go fuck yourself.