#unownership

[cherishedproperty]

Unowned

The word itself implies a sort of default state—a way things should be. A state described by the absence of something important. But the longer I am single, the more I wonder about this word. 

It’s been nearly 15 months since my last D/s relationship ended. At first, “unowned” described perfectly the aching void left in me without the structure of our dynamic. I had no one to ask for permission. No one to make sure I went to bed on time. No one who craved my ever-deepening submission. It was the absence of so many things—not just ownership or love, but truly a loss of identity. What is a submissive when they are unable to serve? 

I used to say that I’m a relationship person—that my happiness depends on my connection to another. And frankly, I never bought into the idea that you have to be happy as a single person before you can be in a healthy relationship. Some people just aren’t meant for single life. As a submissive, part of me has always felt incomplete without ownership. When your sense of purpose and fulfillment rely on serving and obeying another, being single can feel empty. It’s right there in the word. Unowned.

But over time, the aching void of unownership faded. I learned to live as a single person. And now I just feel...fine. No, really. At first, I knew I wasn’t ready to submit. Now I’m just not sure I need to. Submission feels like another me in another lifetime. That girl was so sure of her needs that she turned her life upside down for a chance at fulfilling them. Have my needs changed, or have I just been unfulfilled for so long that I’m numb to them? Am I walking around, unaware that the color has drained from my world? Am I actively looking away from the color, too terrified of what it might mean? Too afraid to get hurt, too afraid to make the wrong choice, too afraid to feel so deeply and give so much of myself. 

Either way, my submission feels so far away most days. It feels abstract. I have rebuilt my life and my heart so much in the last 18 months that I nearly feel like I new person. But maybe under all of this newness, there’s still a little girl waiting for the right moment to kneel. A friend once told me that these things are like balloons—you can hold them under the water, but they always fight their way to the surface again. I guess time will tell. 

But that word—unowned—no longer feels like part of me. I am not defined by the absence of something; I am the presence of many somethings. And I have to trust that those somethings will lead me down the right path, whether I am meant to kneel or not. 

[fukdiplomacyphoenyxedtruth]

Welcome to #moabgeartrader in #moab #utah where #fun meets the #rocky #archesnationalpark #fourwheeler #shopping #tastyfood with a flare for #adventurousjourneys #adventurenthusiasts #adventuretime #adventure #journey #nature #arches #naturalbeauty #goodpeople #barkpark #dogs and #unownership Come visit and enjoy the #outdoors #camping or #hotels even a #hostel Next photo I played #dressup in the store with a photo taken by an employee as I stripped and dressed many times!LoL layered clothing though pervs! (at Moab Gear Trader) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cb70egTL5QJoCPFPM-rkmva6Ya4Tbz4cKpHRqE0/?utm_medium=tumblr