#unne's life stuff

[saunne]

I finally got an appointment to get my hearing tested ! Yay !

It's not before July ! Less yay but still yay !

Honestly, this is such a weird journey for me. Not as "bad" as the whole gender transition thing, but because I never thought that what I was feeling hearing-wise wasn't considered "normal".

Until I was actually straight up told that it wasn't, in fact, normal.

And it's a bit of a weird thing, this feeling of "normality" that we can have about one of our senses and that we don't imagine being different from those around us. Especially when we tell ourselves that if everyone is like us / we are like everyone else so then it makes you go like "everyone feels as uncomfortable as me, I'm just bad at dealing with it" or "maybe it's me who's exaggerating and it's not that painful ?" or even “I might just be a little sensitive, but nothing to worry about”.

Well actually, moron, yes ? Do worry about it ???

Because no, a screaming child isn't supposed to send you into a panic attack ? No, you aren't supposed to hear the clock across the room as if you were standing in it ? No, being unable to understand the conversation of your table neighbors but being able to follow the conversation three tables away without problem is not normal ? No, asking to turn down the sound on the television or radio four times in fifteen minutes is not normal ? No, wanting to live in a bubble of white noise where everything is attenuated because even the quiet is noisy is not “normal” behavior either ?

And so, diagnosis here I come. In the meantime, however, I try not to adopt too many bad habits, particularly in terms of the "bubble of silence" by wearing my headphones or my noise-canceling earplugs all the time.

That's what worries my mother the most to be honest. Not that I have hyperacusis, that I have to be diagnosed with something unexpected again, or that I'm going to become her even weirder weird child, no. It's that now that I know that what I'm feeling isn't normal, I'm actually starting to overcompensate for the problem that according to her, wasn't a problem. Because after all, I lived very well before, right ?

Except no, actually, I wasn't living well before. I tolerated it before, because for me it was "normal". That was how everyone felt and it would have been stupid to complain about something that I seemed to be the only one struggling with.

But there's actually a difference between "Gods, this baby's loud aren't they ?" and "God, this baby is so loud it feels like my brain is trying to leak out my eardrums and that someone is scraping their nails in my skull and someone please shuts them up before I throw myself by the damn window".

But now that I know my hearing is, in fact, weird ? Well, I'm going to do a very French thing and I'm going to fucking complain about it.

It hurts, it shouldn't hurt, someone make the world less "too much" and fix my shitty hearing, please and thank you.

My psychiatrist is hilariously of the same opinion and after the neuropsychiatrist who clearly marked in my file "please stay in therapy", my psychiatrist is now "please, go start this new therapy before developing bad coping habits now that your brain knows it can complain".

I'm not out of the wood, far from it, but at least the journey is interesting.

[saunne]

Oh, I remember doing this one on my old blog, but might as well do it again.

So, when I have to do a mental calculation, what happen is :

I see 27 on the left and 48 on the right, in front of me, floating

27 separate in 20 and 7 while 48 separate in 40 and 8

20 and 40 merges together to make 60, floating in the middle, low

7 separate in 5 and 2 on the left. 8 separate in 5 and 3 on the right. However, they separate as points in the space.

I have two 5 as dice face five, a 2 as dice face two and a 3... as not dice face three (the points aren't aligned diagonally but like as the upper two and the bottom left one).

The two 5 merges and make 10, the 2 and 3 merges and makes 5

10 on top of 5 on top of 60

75

... and after reading the notes of this post after I doodled my thing I think I sort of need to show that to my psy actually lmao.

.... why does no one counts with fucked up dices ??????

[iftitah]

.

[saunne]

Pros : The ADHDon't medecine is working. I can hear myself thinking and generally are much aware how scattered my brain is. My impulse control is still crap but at least I'm a lot more aware of it. Like I stop in the middle of doings Things™ sometimes and goes "why the fuck did I started doing that while I was doing that other thing instead". The "dry mouth" side effect is actually useful cause I drink three times more and are for once correctly hydrated.

Cons : It worsened my hearing sensitivity. Worsened as in doubled. In a week and half span. It's terrifying. The lowest sound level on my phone became "too much" after more than ten minutes. Even with the headphones in my ears but no sound, I am still far too aware of all the sounds around. I can't watch TV with my mom anymore because the constant sound changes drive me crazy. I almost had a panic attack at work again. Because of a phone ringing in a "bad tone". Children's cries turned into a weapon of mass destruction for my hearing and I have to work around children so if it keeps going it will become difficult really fast. The sounds I hear now have a direct influence on my mood: I listened to the same song almost constantly on repeat yesterday from 9:30 a.m. until 2:30 a.m. the next day because it put me in a "zone". I had "zone" sounds before but not to that extent.

[saunne]

no sleep at all cause of insomnia or working last minute on an assignment : the world is so loud I'm hearing color and my soul is ready to press the auto-eject button at the slightest annoyance

night's sleep for 12+ hours: i want to lay here forever if i have to leave this place terrible things will happen

night's sleep for 9 hours: i am a human animal and i will eat a meal and exercise while engaging in social intercourse

night's sleep for 6 hours: im up im awake im doing stuff I'm good

night's sleep for 5 hours: the world is fundamentally an evil place

night's sleep for 4 hours: the world is an uncaring place

night's sleep for 3 hours: the world is made of a thin film of breakable craftpaper

[realmoondragon]

i’m going to dump hollow knight au/oc world building stuff on the world now. no backstories, we’ll do that some other time.

so for the gods, every god has a foil.

white lady-shade lord,

the radiance-NKG

unn- a long dead god of bugs.

why dead? because this god was the one who created the inhabitants of hallownest. they made all of the bugs and gave them sentience. (yes, not pk. more on that later). But, they used too much of their power. Gods are full of their ‘substance’ it’s like how humans are full of water. but since they used too much, they weakened and died. Before death, they gave the remains of their power to Unn, and that’s why Unn can create life from plants.

the main characters in this AU are Grimm and Pk. this whole thing was inspired by @bluegekk0 ‘s au, so a huge shout out to them. grimm and pk live with hornet, ghost, and holly in dirtmouth.

WL had been ruling over hallownest for centuries, when PK showed up. WL knew about wyrm’s kingdom conquering habits, and when this one offered to co-rule, she cautiously accepted, not wanting a fight. Luckily for her, PK didn’t really do all that much. he tried, but he got anxious really easily from the royal duties and literally just like socializing and existing.

before Pk had shown up, the radiance had been slowly forgotten by the moths, just because they weren’t as interested in her. So, she plotted and schemed in silence. Eventually, she figured out a way that she could steal her ‘foil’s’ powers for herself. So, she did. NKG lost the majority of his power, and is now grimm. that’s a whole other can of worms.

Anyway, radi used this newfound power to create the infection. WL came up with the vessel plan, and created the vessels. she had them on her own. she convinced the dreamers the same way canon pk did, and hornet came from the ‘dalliance’ between WL and herrah. WL actually suggested it, not because she cared about the kid but because she wanted that spiderussy. so it’s pretty obvious that WL didn’t really care about hornet. whole other thing.

She put a bunch of eggs into the abyss, asking the Shade Lord to hollow them out and full them with void. it complied, and the vesssls were made. Holly was one of the few that hatched, complete with a mutation to give it a tail. (it/they for the vessels) After the climb, WL trained them in much the same way as canon, and put them in the black egg.

This worked for a while, but eventually the radiance overtook them. Their fatal flaw? duty to serve hallownest. unfortunate. even without any love being shown, they still had emotions (bc everyone has emotions).

Pk was the one to fight the radiance in holly’s head, and only barely won. he’s a great fighter, but went in overconfident. he now havs lifelong scars and doesn’t have the soul capacity to use soul magic. he got amnesia after the fight, and recovered in dirtmouth. after remembering everything, he realized he liked this better, so he stayed in dirtmouth with grimm, holly, hornet, and ghost, who had by now hatched and came up to dirmouth.

AND THATS THE TIMELINE.

pray for me i typed all this on my phone.

bye

[salted-anime-takes]

Sword Art Online (S1 & S2; dropped after that)

Author: Reki Kawahara, originally light novels

Studio: A-1 Pictures

Genres (Listed by MAL): Action, Adventure, Fantasy, Romance (vomits), Love Polygon (kills you)

Premiered: Summer 2012

Anime vs. Manga?: You couldn't pay me less than $100 to consume additional content to this series. I'd also need a large margarita.

Salted Genres: stereotypical teen boy fantasy, loser cardboard male mc, harem of women too good for him, jesus christ they had a torture dungeon for main girl in S2 by some grown man obsessed with her???, jesus FUCKING christ they gave Kirito a cousin who is into him but reasoned it off not being totally blood related, why did we let this series get so popular

Major Trigger Warnings: that weird sex dungeon thing in S2, almost incest, shitty writing, shitty love polygon garbage

Can I Watch It Around My Parents?: Just don't watch it. The cultural context isn't worth it. Do yourself a favor and stop thinking isekai will be family friendly when the main audience is incels.

Artstyle: That moe-esque style without any personality and makes all the main characters look 12, and many side characters look ridiculously older.

Personal Review: I will never forgive SAO for kicking off the isekai genre in anime so hard. Fuck yourself, Kirito. Every other anime lead in isekai is just you. Fuck this garbage pile for the isekai boom. Fuck my life

Context: This is the real reason you're here, aside from the scathing remarks you've probably heard a billion times. Why the fuck is this show even relevant? Let's go back to the early 2010s, before half of tumblr could pretend to read. (This is mostly from the Western perspective, so please add anything else happening in the world with this wild popularity jump, because I'd LOVE to hear additional takes.) Several factors were going on. Firstly, Netflix was finally a full streaming service, and most people were starting to subscribe. You didn't have to hope it was on Toonami or go to whatever sketchy websites had anime illegally available (and get every virus known to computer-kind) to get your fix anymore. Well... for a small starting selection. Secondly, while the isekai genre was already a fully developed thing, it hadn't broken into the majority Western anime viewership circles, which barely ventured outside of Toonami at the time. Then along came SAO. Netflix got the rights to the entire first season, and suddenly, it was not only insanely accessible but also something most Western fans had never seen before. You die in the game, you die in real life?! Incredible!!! (Sorry Tron, you weren't high fantasy enough for this crowd.) Thirdly, gaming was finally mainstream, and watching streamers was a new norm. The timing couldn't have been better for its release. And what with the insane levels of ignorance and assumptions most Western anime watchers had at the time of anime tropes, most red flags discussed were merely looked over. We let too much slide in the early 2010s, and SAO was one of the biggest culprits. Fourthly, if you needed a gateway anime? SAO didn't require any sort of understanding of Japanese culture to get, which appealed to a lot of people who didn't want to think outside their box, as was the early 2010s. Despite it all, SAO was easy merchandise. Hot Topic (apologies for the American chain drop) was venturing into nerd culture and including some nice trinkets for the little nerds that hung out with their goth besties, and anime merch- including SAO- was some of the first big hits. After that? It's history. I don't know if anyone who still claims to like SAO actually is banking on nostalgia or just never gained tastes beyond a lameass horny 15 year old boy, but that boom it created gave so many light novel writers the ticket they needed to get isekai as a major genre in today's seasonal anime lineup.

Favorite Character: Asuna deserved better you motherfuckers. She actually did stuff until you get thrown into the most unnecessary slice of life arc where they begin the Sexualization. S2 cour 2 they gave her a genuinely interesting opportunity to be a lead, AND Kirito wasn't there. Still not worth watching.

Fandom: you couldn't pay me ANYTHING to check this.

[bluegekk0]

After reading your worldanvil page on the gods of your AU I wondered what other types of gods there might be out there in the world or maybe even some additional gods that that could be part of the hollownest pantheon. Not trying to have you go into every single detail obviously cause Ik this kind of stuff is pretty out of the scope of the current status of the AU and honestly takes a lot of brainstorming better used elsewhere :>

In that regard, would grimm been close with the other gods within and outside of the pantheon during his godhood and how would he have initially reacted towards all the other gods shunning him as a result of his banishment?

I think I'll first have to get at least a rough idea of what the world/continent map would look like. Since the gods are divided into pantheons which are specific to regions, it means that I'd have to come up with those regions first before designing new gods. For Hallownest specifically, I want to design one, maybe two more gods that would somehow tie into the biome and climate of the region. It's a cold, mountainous place, so perhaps a god who's located deep inside the mountain, maybe one similar to Hephaestus? We'll see.

But to come back to other pantheons, I'd love to make a region that's full-on snowy, further north from Hallownest, and I think there could be some fun ideas for higher beings who originate from there. Perhaps there could be some ice-like essence which has a god connected to it, or a full on fire-based higher being that the settlements living there turn to for protection from the cold, something like that. On the opposite end, I want there to be a desert region, not a cold desert like Vyrm's homeland; that one would be still very cold and experience snow periodically, so it's a whole different beast, though I do think there was some higher being there connected to soul and left those tablets Vyrm ended up studying). I mean a hot desert, with large sand dunes and such. I'd love to experiment with some sand-like essence that can be found there, and of course, a god (or gods) connected to it. A sea region would also exist, with its own set of sea-based gods. There are many possibilities, and I don't doubt some of them would be inspired by existing mythologies, since I already draw some elements from them.

And to answer the second part of the question, I do like the idea of Grimm being on good terms with Unn, when talking about the Pantheon of Hallownest. Obviously he's not fond of The Radiance, The Shade Lord is unique in that it's not a proper member of the pantheon, and The White Lady doesn't really like him. Unn, on the other hand, seems very peaceful and I think she would be one of the very few who wouldn't shun or pity him after his banishment.

Outside of his pantheon, though? I imagine he interacted with some gods when he was still in Godhome, in one way or another if you catch my drift, but I don't think he had any close friends there. The banishment only made things worse, as they assumed by default that he's done something to deserve it. And in those cases where they learned what happened, they just ended up feeling sorry for him, which in his eyes is even worse. So after losing his place in Godhome, he started avoiding other higher beings as he found those interactions way too humiliating. Things haven't changed since then, and they likely won't. The only known way to reverse his banishment died with his sister, so he has no hopes of ever being let back in. And at this point he doesn't even want to, he has a life now, a loving family and friends, there is nothing there he'd be interested in, except maybe not having to constantly replace his physical body. But he's already used to it, he doesn't mourn his limitless source of power. So if you asked him now if he wants to go back, he'd tell you that Godhome can burn down to ash for all he cares. I think that speaks for itself.

[saunne]

To be fair, I only survived my studies because I took naps.

The stress was causing me bad cases of insomnia so I realized very quickly that if I wanted to keep up with my constant lack of sleep, I had to accumulate as much sleep as possible, whenever possible. It got to the point that I was known throughout my bachelor class as "the person who can sleep anywhere, anytime, in any situation". A break between classes ? I catnapped on the table. After lunch ? I slept leaning against a window, a radiator, lying in the grass under a tree. An hour of lesson cancelled ? I literally turned my coat/scarf/sweatshirt into a pillow and slept for the whole hour.

And it sounds funny told like that, but it really wasn't. Lack of sleep, whatever the causes, has a visible impact on daily life and sleep debt is a real thing.

So please, be kind to yourselves.

A nap doesn't have to be several hours long to be effective. Most of the time, 20 short minutes are enough to have an energy boost. But if you have time ? Try an hour, an hour and a half even.

It will never be wasted time if it's to feel better.

Gentle reminder: it’s always okay to take a nap.

Time spent sleeping is NOT time wasted! In fact, there were multiple studies done that show our brains keep working when we sleep and build neural connections that help us get better at the skills learned or approached during the day. Sleep is vital for your mental and physical stability, and if your body needs more at any point of the day:

As long as it’s safe for you, give it what it needs.

[flame-shadow]

OKAY im gonna ramble about Mossy Fool, my beloved. this will not be comprehensive, and some of what i've said about him previously has been adjusted or changed. no big deal. it's good to develop characters and reassess parts that might've been a bit rough in a previous pass. i'll try to include images occasionally but they'll mostly be reused from stuff i've already posted

yahoo here we go!

a few quick facts:

- he was a moss knight devoted to unn. he cared [and still does care] deeply for his god and his kin.

- he has always been prone to violence but not in a malicious way. he is enthusiastic, energetic, strong, and can get carried away easily.

- he took in the Infection willingly to get a size and strength buff while he was in the Colosseum. this also affected his moss cloak.

- he had a name, but he doesn't remember it. he is The Mossy Fool and most people just call him Mossy. he doesn't seem bothered by this. [depending on who he interacts with in the "postgame" and how they bond, he can start to be bothered by this lack of a true name. i have explored this via RPs but i don't know how it would manifest in a no-other-people's-characters version of his story]

- between the Infection, the Colosseum, and head injuries, mossy doesn't remember a lot of his past, and he has a hard time remembering things in the short term either. he's had bugs he teamed up with in the Colosseum, but he doesn't remember them now. he's probably made commitments and promises that he no longer remembers making nor who they were made to. he doesn't remember much of his culture. it is mostly through routine that he has managed to remember unn - after every battle, he repaints his shield, both to cover any scratches and as a calming ritual and reminder.

Sometimes I'm a bit vague on the details of how he's managed to not be consumed by the Colosseum. It's sort of a plot contrivance but whatever. I explain it as Unn calling to him like she does for all her other children based off some of the dream nail dialogue we get in the game.

mossy is a self-indulgent character who sometimes gets special privileges because i like him a lot heehee

okay but what im kinda emo about today is how his life would've been so much different [and arguably better] if things had gone a little bit differently while he was still a moss knight. because if he'd been able to develop better self control earlier, he wouldn't have accidentally killed a fellow knight in a minor scuffle and been sent out. that had been the final straw after many warnings and attempts at helping him and training him to be more careful. if he couldn't keep from harming his kin, then he couldn't be trusted to protect them.

and that's what sends him seeking places to fight where he doesn't have to be as careful and can actually go all out and have fun. he finds that in the Colosseum. oh, he had a lot of fun there...

but! if he'd managed to rein himself in. if he'd managed to control his tendencies a little better...

he was well suited to become a paladin. he's always had strong devotion and connection to unn. he could have become something more than a knight. he wouldn't have let a rank like that get to his head. he'd have been happy and proud of his duties and responsibilities. he'd have had a positive impact on his tribe. his affinity with plants could've developed well and he could've had a less invasive connection.

....also, he could've been a boss fight akin to hive knight guarding vespa. Moss Paladin. he'd have two phases, and the second phase would have vines and thorns and be very cool.

however, because he was kicked out, he had the opportunity to explore more of Hallownest than just Greenpath, he was able to meet other bugs and be exposed to other languages and cultures. he suffered a lot at the Colosseum, but it also fulfilled him in many ways.

and now that he's older, a tiny bit wiser, and a good deal less likely to accidentally kill another person, he can interact and bond with people he never would've had the chance to otherwise.

and although it's awkward for a while, he can visit his home. and once he has shed his fool's armor, he'll be welcomed back. The Infection did a number on the ranks of the moss knights, and having someone who has so much battle experience would be helpful to both protect his home and people and to help build up the ranks again.

i had something else i said, but then tumblr ate it and some of what i had typed just above, so that's cool. i'll just end here before more stuff potentially disappears. bleh

final fun fact! i used to draw moss knights with four eyes, and mossy had two of his injured from a slash which went diagonally across his face. i decided to simplify his design to only one pair of eyes, so now he's only got one eye.

i love this man idk how well this comes through cuz rambling on tumblr feels a little hit and miss on how much my excitement comes through [and fighting with the site to not eat what i write is frustrating] but yeah! here he is! if you wanna read more, here are some old posts where ive also talked about him, and i think most is still accurate

this post where i talk about his cloak and their relationship in more depth

and this one which is sort of an overview of a few things about him plus another depiction of his low health state where the moss takes over self defence [the post also includes stuff on cyra and jerome which is a bonus because i also love them a lot]

[chtozaepta]

I love your OCs with the horns and tails! And all of your non human OCs, if you want could you maybe say a bit about their characters and the world they live in? Only if you want to (also I'm obsessed with your art, you really are a pillar of shaperaverse fan community on Tumblr)

Oooooh this gonna be lömg!

First of all, thank you I’m glad you like them :> These are characters from an original comic I’m about to post (the first chapter is almost ready), but this race does not appear in the main plot for some time, so I can say a few things without spoiling anything. I know it’s not a very original design, I mean, duh, who doesn’t have horns and tails right 🌚 So anyway, these guys are called yáve, and they are like… feral elves in a way. They live in forests/tundras in big clans and build funky colorful térems, mostly out of wood bc permafrost.

They looove all things colorful and worship the spirits of nature. The huge pink moth/dragon/reindeer guy? That’s one of them.

His/her name is Menerik and he/she is essentially a god(ess) of Northern Lights, the Moon, madness and magic. He/she is very coherently genderfluid, the gender depending on the moon faze. During the full moon she is a female entity, and when it’s a crescent he is considered male. On the new moon it is forbidden to speak of him. Fun fact - this also is reflected in their language, based on Russian, where a word for “moon” is feminine, and “crescent” is masculine). Since Menerik is a he for the most time, that’s what I would usually call him.

Most yave are mortal, their lifespan being close to humans, but there are two ways for them to achieve a sort of immortality. First is joining the Circle of Memories, an order that keeps their knowledge, culture and traditions and become essentially immortal through a ritual, and another way is becoming a mage and learning the ways to prolong life through contact with spirits. Any yave who starts learning magic is introduced to the spirits on the thinner layer of reality and give up their birth name, color and gender. Their new name they choose themselves, their new color is given by the spirits, and from the moment they start learning magic they are all non-binary, body and soul. All this “immortality” tho is really just a longer life, because they can still be killed, fall sick or get cursed, so there is hardly anyone older than 200 years there. There are rumors about mages over a thousand years old, but that’s spoiler territory)

Some stuff here is *very loosely* based on siberian shaman practices, some names and words borrowed from siberian folklore.

Some of the yave characters I’ve drawn so far:

There’s Chanava, the purple witch with blue horns, around 20 years or so; they will probably appear in the comic. They are a mage, and also joined the Circle, but neither have given them immortality or enough power. Not that they are desperate, just very curious.

Aravellane, their uuum king? Tsar? Prince? Whatever. The one in the crown and a blue fur coal a few posts earlier. A mage, but prefers he/him; he has a blade that can make whatever cut without killing you. Some say, he cut his own heart out with it once to stop feeling sad feelz, and the heart ran away, because he treated it terribly. Since then, an endless winter covered his part of land, and if it weren’t for the mages and trade of diamonds they mine, they’d all be very much fucked.

Myándush, the head of the Circle of Memories. Öld, woise, mistürios, all that. Speaks in riddles. Has a beef with Aravelle, though why, no one can tell.

Ryt’kheo - dabbles in magic, but is not officially introduced to the spirits. Makes airboats, which is basically a boat with a magic sail that can get it into air. The sails he weaves from wool and puts in threads of Menerik’s mane. He is considered one of the coolest craftsmen among the yavi, and everyone wants a flying boat, so he is always very fucking tired and 100% done. Random fact - a “Ryt’kheo” is not a name, it really means “Unnamed”. It is used to address someone who has already given up their name but have not yet taken a new one.

Harrahaye - Ryt’kheo’s brother, not much to say about him except that he is a pain in the ass. I’m still fleshing out their characters, so there you go x)

There is another one, who is more or less complete, but they will appear in the comic and are quite important, so all the info will be there 😌✨

[latelyimanervouswreck]

Im crying again. God I feel so lonely. I feel like I was a mistake. Like I shouldn't have been born. Every time thoda lagta hai I'm getting better life finds a way to remind me it won't. Maybe this won't ever go away. I hate this feeling. I feel so worthless. But am I allowed to say that when so many people love me? I feel like my family only loves me cause it's what they should do. And Jo dost hai love me cause I'm nice. Or it is ki they pity me? Cause they know I feel like this? They are such nice people. But if they actually knew all this, ki even when I seem happy Im only pretending to be okay, not showing that I want to jump off the roof every second, ki i have no actual personality no opinions like I'm just an empty shell of a person. I sometimes feel like padhai and grades or being nice and agreeable. I feel like shit. I don't deserve to be loved. Sometimes I so strongly want everyone to hate me so I can just die. I've been telling my friends family therapist and psychiatrist that everything's better and I'm okay. I don't want to drag it out even more for my parents. It's not their fault im like this. I've been trying to hard to socialize more, to talk more, to be okay. I've been talking to online friends and more people in college. Just because jitne log mujhe jaanenge, utna hi I'll hesitate to end my life. Even when I try to learn more, about say general knowledge and politics and so much more such stuff, i can't fucking remember anything. I read books and watch shows and movies and listen to songs. Most of the time I dont know what I like. Khatam karne ke baad I don't remember shit. I don't have any opinions. Agar dost ne kaha they like it, I say I like it too. Unne kaha I don't like it and suddenly mujhe bhi nhi pasand. Like I don't fucking know who I am. I don't know mere strengths kya hai weakness kya hai kis cheez PE kaam karna chahiye. Anytime I try to mujhe apna future accha nhi dikhta. Not because I'm not successful but because I will still feel this way and I dont know what to do about it. God I just wanna sleep forever. I don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning.

[saunne]

Rules: bold or color what fits you (optional, for funsies: and cross out what least fits you!)

I WRITE : daily || most days || a few times a week || a few times a month || random

I WRITE MOST OFTEN : when I first get up || later in the morning || afternoon || evening || the wee hours of the night || whenever

IN ONE SITTING, I TEND TO WRITE : a few sentences at a time || a few hundred words || a few thousand words || a complete chapter/section no matter how long || an outline || whatever comes

I TEND TO WRITE SCENES : in chronological order with no skipping || mostly in order but with some filler/skipping || whatever scene I feel like || who knows what’s gonna come out

THE THINGS THAT COME EASIEST TO ME ARE : dialogue || description of senses || description of action || description of characters || description of emotions || exposition || other

I TEND TO WRITE : on a phone || on a laptop || in a notebook || on whatever paper I can find || with speech to text || in the blood of my enemies || it doesn’t really matter to me || on paper first and then typed up || old school typewriter || on a computer

WHEN I TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING, IT USUALLY LASTS : a few days || a few weeks || a few months || it’s kind of random

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN I'M ON A WRITING BREAK : recharge with other creative hobbies || read/consume other media || do something physical || catch up with old friends || work on my WIP in other ways like with playlists or art || other

IN GENERAL, I THINK MY WRITING HABITS ARE : pretty much what I need them to be || okay, but I’m working on making them better || non-existent || not great || I’m excited to develop them further || totally random || perfect for me

I tag @gabrielwritessometimes and whoever else wants 😊

Writing Habits

tagged by @macabremoons (<3333333) over here! tysm x333

Rules: bold or color what fits you (optional, for funsies: and cross out what least fits you!)

I WRITE: daily || most days || a few times a week || a few times a month || random

I WRITE MOST OFTEN: when I first get up || later in the morning || afternoon || evening || the wee hours of the night || whenever

IN ONE SITTING, I TEND TO WRITE: a few sentences at a time || a few hundred words || a few thousand words || a complete chapter/section no matter how long || an outline || whatever comes

I TEND TO WRITE SCENES: in chronological order with no skipping || mostly in order but with some filler/skipping || whatever scene I feel like || who knows what’s gonna come out

THE THINGS THAT COME EASIEST TO ME ARE: dialogue || description of senses || description of action || description of characters || description of emotions || exposition || other

I TEND TO WRITE: on a phone || on a laptop || in a notebook || on whatever paper I can find || with speech to text || in the blood of my enemies || it doesn’t really matter to me || on paper first and then typed up || old school typewriter || on a computer

WHEN I TAKE A BREAK FROM WRITING, IT USUALLY LASTS: a few days || a few weeks || a few months || it’s kind of random

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN I'M ON A WRITING BREAK: recharge with other creative hobbies || read/consume other media || do something physical (<- doesnt even go outside lol) || catch up with old friends || work on my WIP in other ways like with playlists or art || other

IN GENERAL, I THINK MY WRITING HABITS ARE: pretty much what I need them to be || okay, but I’m working on making them better || non-existent || not great || I’m excited to develop them further || totally random || perfect for me

Tagging: @canadjester and whoever else wants to do this!!

[blackevermore]

x He Came With The Sun

{ Chapter 1 : UNN Meeting }

Summary:

Melpomene Moore didn't know life could be deeper than going to school, getting a good job, and making sure you eat at least once a day. Given her name she had learn to roll with the punches, cry sometimes, and never really look back. She could stop and smell the roses every once and a while. But that didn't mean she understood why it was important to also admire them. That was until her new boss made her actually stop and see the bigger picture. That was until her new boss's colleague made her actually appreciate her humanity.

Melpomene would surely become his new muse.

[Sorry for any grammar, spelling, typos.]

Notes: I don't own Hetalia, some characters may be ooc, and maybe despite being in this fandom for 14 years I still get stuff wrong. Who cares! I'm having fun!

Word Count: 11k

[ Read it here ]

[saunne]

On Appearance

My hair is growing back. I was disappointed to have to cut them off due to the surgery so I'm happy to see the progress. I still lose some between testosterone and stress, but it's getting better.

I'm not going to get an undercut this time. I have thick hair and quite a lot of it. And I discovered this year, before I had to cut it off, that it is actually wavy. I had straighter hair in middle school and high school, when it still reached my shoulder blades.

I still don't know if I'll get a new dye. If I do it, it will probably be in the salon. Maybe an underlight, but you'll have to wait until it's long again. A nice burgundy maybe, or a deep purple. Or maybe a pale blond, to contrast with my natural dark brown. It could make a nice combination with my eyes.

I bought some new clothes recently. It's a really slow and progressive haul that I'm doing, since I buy most of my clothes in thrift shops. I have new pants and a really nice flowery summer blouse for next spring. I also got my hand on a nice skirt, a really simple one, with a dark blue and rusty orange checkered pattern. I'll sew on some new buttons and maybe I'll have the confidence to wear it outside the house.

I also found some lingerie. Two nighties to be exact. One in dark turquoise satin, a little tight, and one very fluid black in sheer fabric with lace bralette. Something that makes me deeply satisfied, in addition to the very sensorially pleasant texture, is that the border between the veil and the bralette rests exactly on my scar. I have one long scar the entire width of my torso down to under my armpits and it overlaps perfectly.

Oddly satisfying.

[ratcandy]

CoGR Abridged/Summarized

Hello hello! My name is Clam, otherwise known as Squeakyclam on Ao3, and this is a heavily summarized/shortened version of my HK fic Camouflage of Great Renown. For anyone somehow finding this that doesn't know what it's about, CoGR focuses on Zote and his story through the game and what preceded it. He recounts his entire life up until the end of what's known in canon, and this includes a whole lot of angst, growth, realizations, and Trauma Revelations.

Oh, and he's a nosk. Zote is a nosk. Yep.

I've had a few requests for a summary, as the work is super long and reading through 130k+ words of Zote dialogue may not be for everyone, hehehe so I've compiled all the important plot points and wrote them out here in order of his story, rather than the plotline CoGR goes through specifically (in which big events in his history are revealed later on).

If I had to recommend reading the fic for anything, it'd be the... impact, I suppose? 'Cause reading the summarized events here will NOT be anything like reading it in CoGR. Seeing as the fic is all in Zote's pov and he actually has to force himself to admit all of this aloud. But I digress!!

Here's a summary of Zote's life according to CoGR.

THIS IS A VERY, VERY LONG POST DESPITE BEING A SUMMARY. I'm sorry, CoGR just has a lot happening! T/W for mentions of death.

A lot more heavy stuff happens in CoGR, but in this summary I do my best to step around those subjects. If you think more T/Ws should be added, let me know, and I'll put them here

Nosks were a species that inhabited Deepnest, specifically living in a den towards the nest's depths. It split off into lots of tunnels and caverns that each nosk lived in. "Society" there was very hostile and unwelcoming, as nosks valued brute strength over just about anything else. Caring for another nosk - be it kin or otherwise - was considered weak. "Burdens" to the den, such as nosks that were badly wounded, would/could not hunt, or were simply getting too old would be killed off. Death in and of itself was very common and hardly anyone would bat an eye at it.

Think the Mantis Tribe but largely feral and without a shred of decency of morals.

Runt donning mask of citizen was born into the nosk den alongside his brother, who would become hunter donning hide of tiktik.

(Before anyone asks, these are just the naming conventions that nosks have. No one but the nosk superiors - the leaders of the den - are granted actual names.)

A third egg was among them, but the brother broke it open and ate the younger sibling not long after hatching.

The two were born under a superior (their mother) and her chosen mate (their father). They were expected to grow up strong and eventually overtake their mother and become superiors. Or, one of them would, maybe.

The runt (Zote) was immediately scorned by the mother, as he was extremely frail and useless, and she just about killed him off right after he hatched - but his father stepped in, and the runt was left alive.

Zote grew up to be a weak nosk who could barely defend himself in a den full of beasts that would gladly kill him if doing so wouldn't be a direct offense to a superior. His brother was cruel to him, his father berated him constantly, and his mother was hardly in the picture at all. Only ever watching him distastefully from afar.

His father did, however, train him, if only sparingly. The least he could do to keep Zote alive. (Doing so would be a death wish were any other nosks to find out about it...)

However, an elder in the den - hunter donning mask of weaver - gained Zote's attention as she told him fantastical stories from outside the den. This elder had spent a good portion of her life among the Weavers, initially being sent to learn about them (to make them easier to hunt) but growing interested in their culture and choosing to stay. Until she did something to get her chased out.

At any rate, she told the stories from the Weavers to Zote, alongside news of what was happening outside of Deepnest. This caused the runt to become obsessed with the idea of being a knight, as the stories just sounded!! So amazing and heroic and awesome and!!! :D Yea!! He wanted to be just like that!

To the point where he even carved a sword out of the shellwood... with the den elder's help. He named it Life-Ender eventually.

At some point, however, his father found out about all this. His father figured that the only way to eliminate this problem - as wishing to be something heroic that saved lives or whatever was SO unnosk-like (and would get him killed) - was to kill the den elder.

Before she died, the elder told Zote to run away from the den, and not to return no matter what. The idiot did not run, and because of this, he witnessed the Den Elder's death at the hands of his father and some other nosks.

Man! this does, however, cause Zote to be more... "open" about his ideas. By this I mean he begins carrying Life-Ender around instead of hiding it in his nest. what do you mean it's a comfort item what! no he's just rebelliously showing off how much he wants to be a knight. totally. 100% /s

well, anyway, not long after this, the idiot's father dies at the claws of his mother. Zote unfortunately witnesses this as well. When he tries to run, his mother catches him, nearly killing him as well. Luckily(?), this attempt is thwarted by Zote's brother, who was very distraught over their father's death. The brother swears to kill the mother before storming off. Zote runs into hiding (still in the nosk den), and begins devising his plan so to get the hell out of there.

Of the few times that Zote leaves his nest after his father's death, 90% of them ended with him getting pummeled by his brother. The latter was livid, blaming the father's death on Zote and frequently bursting into fits of emotional rage. Rage is great for nosks, other emotions not so much.

On one occasion in particular, the brother goes too far, nearly killing Zote. In the scuffle, Life-Ender is shattered, and that sends Zote into a blind anger (mixed with survival instinct as he's About to Die). Zote then kills his brother.

A crowd had gathered around them during the fight. In that crowd was Zote's mother, who looked to him approvingly after he'd killed off his brother. This terrified Zote, so he gathered the pieces of Life-Ender and fled the den forever.

Stopping at the hot spring in Deepnest, he made a disguise for himself based on the vessels that nosks would often capture. He made a new name for himself, took on an entirely new identity, and decided to abandon the idea that he was ever a nosk. He would just go to the City, be knighted by the King (who he'd heard of from the stories the Den Elder would tell him), and live out his life as a knight. Just like he always wanted. Not as a nosk. because he's not that.

The events that follow now are just very short summaries of things that happen throughout cogr.

- He breaks a statue in the Queen's station on accident after a bug finds him there. as a nosk. oops

- He obliterates the entire uoma population /j and burns himself in the process

- He repairs Life-Ender originally using mushrooms in the Fungal Wastes. Fungal adhesion is real I checked I swear

- He makes it to the City of Tears! and while there, he

Gets caught by Hegemol who mistakes him as a vessel

Drowns in the City's gutters

Purchases a cloth to wrap around Life-Ender

Hears the Pale King talk one (1) time and immediately decides he hates him

- While leaving the City, he finds a grub. That grub never really gets named, but as he frequented calling the little thing "Fiend," and the grub eventually began responding to that title, he just considers it a name for them now.

- Zote travels with the grub throughout the Crossroads until he drops them off with the Grubfather, being rewarded for reuniting them but overall feelings pretty :( about it.

- He then goes to the. So you know the houses that are underneath the Gruzz Mother's lil arena? Yea that place. he goes there and "guards" it, becoming that place's self-proclaimed knight.

- then he starts being paranoid about the grub and returns to the grubfather only to see all the grubs have been stolen. he presumes Fiend is dead from this point on (and dodges around ever using the word).

- Then he goes back to the lil town place only to see everyone's infected :(

- We then spend TEN CHAPTERS!! in Greenpath. In which he

eats a plant and dies

Stands in No Eyes's tomb.

Visits the Lake of Unn (and nothing bad happens)

Sees a nosk at the entrance to Fog Canyon and proceeds to have a panic attack

Kills everything

Gets caught by the Vengefly king

Gets saved!

has a breakdown

Yells at Ghost and then Leaves

- Canon starts!

- He stops in Dirtmouth, listens to Elderbug talk, gets told the Myth of the Great old Nosks who are now all Extinct. The news that nosks are now extinct freaks Zote out a little, but he absolutely refuses to return to Deepnest. He doesn't need to make sure. It's fine.

- In an effort to convince himself not to go to Deepnest, he goes to the City again, thinking it can't possibly be all that ba-- oh no everyone's dead!

- he inadvertently steals a map marker from Ghost and decides to use that as a pin for his cloak

- Zote returns to Deepnest. He's very upset with himself for this, but he just has to know if all the nosks are actually extinct now.

The answer is yes

but before that he gets caught by dirtcarvers and put in a web and has to be saved. this makes him angry

Upon seeing all the dead nosks once he gets to the den, and noticing that the last nosk was mimicking Ghost (evidenced by the mask left behind) before it died, he decides that he's gotta Kill Everything again

- more specifically we're going to the Colosseum now.

- Zote's fear of water evaporates as he goes through the secret passage in the King's Station to get to Kingdom's Edge. He only found it because he saw Ghost go that way

- While at the Kingdom's Edge, he gets caught by the Fools, who he stupidly challenges and then immediately gets caught by.

- sits in dumb baby jail for a while. mean to tiso

- Then the colosseum battle happens! He does not win he then gets dropped down into kingdom's edge with little regard toward whether he's dead or alive

- He grabs a Fool's helmet before leaving, going back to Dirtmouth, and intending to bury that thing

- this goes wrong as he bumps into Bretta. He then sits and talks with her for God Only Knows how Long, spacing out while doing so, and not even noticing when she eventually gets up and leaves him.

- He buries the helmet, shuts himself away in his house, and gets stuck repeating his precepts to himself. At the end of CoGR it is revealed that he hasn't been talking to anyone, and is instead talking to himself endlessly as no one is left to listen to him

and that's it! that's cogr. yeah