#unlike Manon who’s trying not to panic at everything

[pergaminaa]

Modern au

Manon would not believe she had this interaction with her sixteen months old daughter:

There was a box of cookies on the coffee table. The child has found the box, opened and grabbed a cookie and put it in her mouth. Not satisfied, he had the cookie half dangling from her mouth while her hands went to the box again.

Manon told her to finish the piece in her mouth first before grabbing another.

What did her adorable precious daughter do? She looked her straight on the eye, shoved the entire cookie in her mouth, and reached for the box hunting for another cookie.

[dramatic-squirrel]

Daminette December Day 1- Inspiration

Here is my first attempt at writing for Damianette December. For my own sake, I have chosen to be liberal with the themes but (at least to me) they still fit, so fight me.

@daminette-december2019-2020

Her mind was blank. Even though she saved Paris on a daily basis, could create a new stage outfit for Jagged in 3 days and babysit for Manon, she couldn’t solve this problem. It was her first Christmas with Damian and she was spending it in Gotham, yet she couldn’t figure what to give him.

“Tikki, what am I supposed to do!? I don’t have any ideas. I want it to be perfect but I don’t know what to give him.” The park was empty except for them, everyone else was inside avoiding the cold.

“You don’t have to be so nervous Marinette. Damian will love whatever you give him.” Tikki patted her in comfort through the purse she was always in.

“Yes, but I want it to be perfect. It’ll mean more if I put a lot of thought into it, it’s just that I can’t even think about what to get in the first place,” her pacing left a long trail of footprints in the snow. “I don’t want it to be generic, but his family is rich. He literally could get anything he wanted, what do you get someone who could just buy it themselves anyway?” At that point, the only thing she knew for certain was that she was going to handmake the gift.

She didn’t want to mess it up either. She really liked Damian. Unlike her, he was always composed and calm and even though he came off as rude to most people she knew that he really cared about those he let into his life. She saw how gentle he could be, especially to his pets, and she saw how his pets trusted and loved him. She knew that, despite the fact that he claimed his friends and family annoyed him, that he cared about them. She even bet that he would do everything he could to protect them.

Damian was amazing, and the one final thing she knew about him was that Damian wasn’t really used to affection. He brushed off Dick’s constant care towards him, even though Damian relied on Dick the most out of everyone in his family.

So she wanted to make something special for him, that would show that she also cared about him. But no idea’s were coming to mind.

“Why don’t you try walking around Gotham a bit, Marinette?” Tikki’s voice was reassuring. “You always come up with great ideas when you look at the environment around you. I’m sure if you looked around Gotham, where he lives, you’ll come up with something.”

A sigh left her in resignation. “You’re right Tikki,” she tried to be positive about it all. She still had time, and she always managed to solve her problems in a pinch. Her confidence restored itself as she left the park to go wander around the city he called home for the past six years.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Things were not going so well for Damian either, although he had to admit, he hadn’t seen a problem until Grayson had brought up the issue. 

“So, Babybird, want to tell me what you got Marinette for Christmas or am I going to have to guess on my own,” he barged into the room like he owned the place.

“What are you talking about, Grayson?” The complete confusion on his face clued Dick in to the fact that Damian was not in fact joking around. 

“You are aware that Christmas is coming up soon right?”

“Yes?”

“Okay,” the utter despair on Dick’s face as he realized what this all meant. “I’d have expected this when you first came here but, you do know that it is usual to give gifts to people on Christmas, right? Bruce has celebrated Christmas with you, I think you’ve even given Jon a gift. So, you know that your supposed to give a gift to Marinette right?”

For the first time in his life, Dick saw Damian look uncertain about something. “Well, I assumed since we’ve only known each other for a few months at this point, that we didn’t know each other well enough to present appropriate gifts to each other. After all, I doubt she knows all of my interests or what i might need, and I certainly don’t know that much about Marinette. In fact, I doubt that she is getting something for me in the first place.”

Dick could only shake his head in dismay as he placed a hand on Damian shoulder. “I can tell you, without a shred of doubt, that Marinette is preparing a gift for you. She’s the kind of person that gives everything her all, including her relationships. Lucky for you, there is still time to get her something, so do you have any ideas?”

Shocking him further, Dick saw another emotion on Damian’s face that he’d never seen before, panic. Damian had no idea what to do, he never really had to think about getting gifts for others. He never cared about anyone enough to have to deal with this but, Marinette was different. She was sweet and understanding and badass, she could handle her own against some of the Gotham Rogues with no problem. And when she smiled it was so bright that it rivalled Grayson’s, it was like an angel smiling in front of him. 

He never really cared before if people hated him but, Marinette was different. “What do I get her Grayson? I don’t know nearly enough about her to get her something she would like.”

“You know that she’s a fashion designer, you could give her something related to that.”

“That’s idiotic. I know nothing about what she would need or what would be the best present. She probably has most of the essentials and I have no clue what specific equipment or supplies would be most useful for her. Maybe I should do some research on Marinette to find out.”

“No no no. Wait a minute Damian. I’m here to stop you from doing stupid stuff like that. Before you invade her privacy and screw things up lets calm down and think this through a bit more.” He managed to stop Damian. “If you aren’t sure what she would like, or need, how about you make something for her. Marinette makes a lot of things by hand so she would know and appreciate the hard work you’d put into making a homemade gift.”

Damian nodded his head in understanding. “I am good enough at painting that I should be able to make something that she would like, but I still have to know what to paint. Thank you Grayson, I need to ponder over this for some time.”

He left the room without looking back at his brother. Grayson just committed to watching over his younger brother until he was sure that things were going to be all right.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few days before Christmas, Marinette and Damian met in a small hole-in-the-wall coffee shop that Tim recommended to Damian. Since Marinette had to go back to Paris soon to spend the holidays with her parents and helping out at the bakery. They decided to celebrate Christmas with each other a bit earlier.

They sat down and ordered their drinks, hot chocolate for her, and a cup of Assam tea for him. Their drinks arrived and before Damian could bring it up, Marinette spoke up first.

“So, I know we never really discussed this beforehand but, because it’s the holiday season, and I wanted to give you something nice, I got you a present. Of course, you might not like the gift and if you hate it I’d understand and I can get something else for you but, I hope you like it.” Her rambling cut off as she shoved the package she was carrying in his face.

The gift was long and rectangular. It was wrapped, in much to his secret embarrassment, in dark green wrapping paper with the Robin logo stamped all over it. Sometimes he wondered if Marinette actually knew his identity as Robin. He opened it up and stared in surprise at what she got him.

“I was having trouble deciding what to get you, when I was walking around Gotham and I saw a shop that sold old weapons, like swords and stuff,” she started to explain. “I remembered that you had this katana in your room that didn’t seem to have a sheath and I got inspired to make this for you.” 

The katana sheath she made was a dark green, so dark that, unless under bright light, it looked black. In a black paint, that was almost obscured by the dark green, she added a subtly design to the sheath, a chinese-style dragon. Near the top of the katana was the only bit of bright color to the whole design, a bat painted in gold. 

The words left his mouth before he could stop it, “A dragon bat,” he whispered. He couldn’t believe how well the sheath fit him. From his favorite color to the subtle design to the reference to Goliath that she didn’t even know about. “I love it Marinette. It’s the perfect gift. In fact, it makes me a bit nervous to give you my gift now but, it would be rude not to.” 

When Marinette saw the painting and what he had painted, she was confused for a moment before tears started falling down her face. “Is that… me?” she had to ask because she couldn’t believe it. 

When she started crying he freaked out for a moment and quickly explained. “Grayson recommended that I make something for you so I made this painting. I had to think for a while before I could figure out what to paint. Grayson suggested that I paint a portrait of you as I see you, so I felt inspired to make this. I apologize if your upset that I painted you without asking first, I assume that’s why your crying?” He wasn’t really sure.

She shook her head. “No, no, it’s just, the painting is just so… I never knew you thought of me that way. It’s so touching, I’m actually really happy. Thank you so much Damian!” She pulled him into a hug, and although he tensed a bit, he soon hugged her back. 

Damian had chosen to paint Marinette from when they first met back in Paris. Except in the painting he had given her white angel wings and managed to make her look stunning. It was a painting that removed any doubts she may have had about his feelings her for, and it was a gift she was going to treasure for the rest of her life.

[lena-haloways]

Hey, can you rank noorhelm remakes?

Sure, thank you for this question! 😊

1. Zoenne - love them sooo much. I generally love wtfock as a remake and I’m watching season 2 atm and I love it thus far and I absolutely adore zoenne. They are the cutest and hottest noorhelm remake in my opinion. They make out a lot, but they also really talk. Actors have such a good chemistry and they are giving me the biggest og noorhelm vibes. They are making original scenes even cuter and better. They are passionate and hot, but also very soft and dorky and cute. You can really see they are in love. They remind me the most of og noora&william and they have all of their scenes (at least for now), but somehow make them even better. And I really enjoy their cute moments, like with the blanket or hiding in the car. Also, cheeck kisses are too adorable. In season 1, i didn’t really like the cliche scene, mostly because of senne’s reaction. But, every other scene I loved and was so so great. And they gave us an extra scene in season 1 and I loved it! So I was really excited about season 2 and their story and already liked them after season 1. But now, they are my favorite noorhelm remake. They really surpassed all the others for me.

2. Incantava - okay, adore them too. Chemistry is just beautiful and edoardo is probably my favorite william because he is so soft and caring. Eleonora is also the softest noora and because of that they are giving me different vibes than og noorhelm. They are just the softest, especially with each other. And they talk a lot, which I love. They are so cute and I really really love how edo is treating ele. Also, I love that he found out from her and not his brother, and just hope he didn’t leave because he was mad at her, but rather at himself he wasn’t there because that’s what I read actor who plays him apparently said. Also, their first kiss is probably my favorite, it’s so poetic and epic. The rain is everything and the jaw kiss and him lifting her up… Just beautiful.

3. Noliv - oh man, I just love them. After I’ve only watched first seasons of all the remakes, liv was my favorite noora and they were my favorite noorhelm. And that was all after just season 1, so I was really excited about liv’s season. And I was honestly suprised that zoenne and incantava surpassed them, but they did haha. I like their season and I like the changes. But, maybe the reason they are not number one anymore is because they didn’t give us enough of their happy period content. I would’ve loved more make out sessions from them. Also their first kiss was so perfect and the clip after is my favorite 😍 It’s only that I want more haha. Their chemistry is just great. But, I’m really dissappointed noah reacted the same way as og william when his brother told him because they made it different here. If he really saw the video, how can he be mad at liv? His brother is literally undressing her without her permission while she is very drunk and not even aware what is happening. It’s more than clear from the video he’s assaulting her. So I don’t understand noah right now. But, I still adore them so much. Liv jumping in noah’s arms during their first kiss was perfection and she singing to him in the morning clip was just magic.

4. Norandro - honestly, I’m a little bit suprised that they are this high, but currently they really are. After I watched only season 1, I wasn’t really much of a fan. They were okay, but it was obvious from the start that they are gonna be different and they are definitely the most unique version of noorhelm. In season 1, I wasn’t that interested in them and then I heard season 2 won’t be about them and I was okay with it since I wasn’t that excited about them anyway. But then they developed them more in season 2, they made them more friendly and I liked that. Alejandro even told her straightforward he likes her, but only after he respected her decision not to like him back, he even tried to move on with someone else, but he understood he likes her too much so he ended it and told her honestly how he feels. I actually like that. She did reject him again, but it was obvious she was bothered a little when he was dating someone else. She probably said what she said because of viri and because she is trying to deny her feelings like all the other nooras. But all in all, I actually like how they handled them in season 2 and I am interested to see what will happen next with them. I am a little sad that now they probably won’t be as friendly as at the beginning of the season, but I’ll give it a chance. I didn’t really see the chemistry in season 1, but I like it in season 2. And it’s interesting how they are little different so I am excited to see how they will develop them in nora’s season. I don’t have much scenes of them, so their place in ranking could change with time and after nora’s season, but for now I like them and can’t wait to see what’s next for them. Also, the scene where she sings and he looks at her so in love is amazing and precious.

5. Winterberg - okay so… after I only watched season 1 (before skam nl even came out) they were my favorite noorhelm remake. I know a lot of people didn’t like them based just on season 1, but started to like them after season 2. I personally loved them even in season 1, they were actually my faves and I defenitely loved them in season 2. I like how they stayed true to the story, but also changed a lot of small things to make it different. It was nice. And, although they weren’t what I expected, I liked it anyway and I liked the change. They were cute and really domestic. Those scenes where they just spent the whole day together talking and getting to know each other was really beautiful. And the first kiss was also perfect. They really opened up to each other and they talked a lot and their banter was so cute. The only reason they are not number one anymore is because other remakes got really better for me and they managed to surpass them, but I still adore them. Maybe what I missed was a little more passion because their kisses were more pecks and less passion, but I guess they are more about talking and being open to one other and staying true to themselves. They really put a lot od effort in trying to understand each other and respecting each other’s opinions. They let themselves to be vulnerable with each other and they made alex have panic attack instead of mia and I actually liked that and was really amazed how mia was there for him and by their acting in that scene. They also look really great together and I’m sad we didn’t get more scenes of them in season 3. One really adorable couple.

6. Wilsen/Graniel (not sure what is their more used ship name haha) - I’ll be honest. In season 1, I didn’t like them at all. They were my least favorite. I just didn’t like how they acted, I didn’t like them as separate people or as a couple. I didn’t see any chemistry. But, I still gave them a chance and decided to watch season 2. And in season 2 they got better. I see more chemistry now and I like them more as a couple. Separate, both are okay, but grace is not among my favorite nooras. Same with daniel. Also, i don’t like how daniel still walked away from grace even though she explained to him what happened with his brother. But, what I do like is how he is in love with her and I really liked their first kiss. It was hot and cute. And my favorite scene of them is definitely the scene after the kiss, the one where they are eating tacos. It’s supercute. I watched it a lot of times and I’m in love with that scene. They are so in love and cute there. And it’s the cutest how daniel immediately knew what is the color of grace’s eyes. So adorable. So all in all, they got really better in season 2 and I started to actually ship them.

7. Marles - I watched their season and they were hot and really passionate. But, other than that, they don’t do a lot for me. Their scenes in season 2 are the copy of og noorhelm, but unlike zoenne who makes those scenes better for me, marles doesn’t. So when I watch them I see a less good version of og noorhelm and then I would honestly just rather watch og noorhelm instead their worse copy. But, I never hated them. Like I said, they were really passionate and had a lot of chemistry and marylin and michael are really adorable couple irl. So, they were okay, just didn’t get me excited. But, honestly, they really ruined them in season 3 and 4. Charles was my least favorite william from the start, but I didn’t hate him. But now I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t understand how he could’ve defend his brother to manon in season 3 and, like that wasn’t bad enough, they made him violent again in season 4. He came back and is not respecting manon and her decision to be with sofiane, and then he goes and fights him? Did he really think that violance would help him get manon back since their problem in season 2 was his violence? He had really treated her awful this past two seasons and that ruined any small amount of love I had for them. I have always rooted for all the nooras to end up with their williams but I’m not sure about marles anymore. He treats her so bad and acts awful in general and it’s really unforgivable. Manon deserves better and I don’t think it would be right for them to get back together. So, it’s more than right to say I don’t like them anymore and that is why they are number 7. They are just ruined now and I don’t think there is any way to fix them.

~ask me anything skam/remakes related~

[all-things-skam]

Elu prompt: Someone has seen the kiss and forehead touch and taken a photo. That person sends the pic to Lucas' phone anonymously. Maybe threatens to send it to everyone he knows.

Please continue to sent requests from this list of prompt!

Title: Unknown number (part I)

Ship: Skam France | Lucas Lallemant and Eliot Demaury (Elu)

Eating lunch with the girls at the foyer had become Lucas’s new thing. Unlike with the boys, he didn’t feel forced to talk about boobs and sex and wasn’t paranoid of them calling out for saying ‘gay’ things. Sure, Daphné was a bit intense but Alexia was so bubbly and it felt good to renew with Emma.

As they were eating, Lucas felt his phone buzz, his heart skipped a beat thinking that it was Eliott. Maybe he wanted them to meet up again or maybe he just wanted to come over, regardless Lucas was excited to see the message. But he was instead met with a surprise. The message was a picture of Eliott and him kissing on the school balcony. He was stunned, he was sure that no one was around them when they kissed, how could this happen to him? He chewed on his lip nervously trying to figure out what he should do.

[12:34] Unknown number: Tell everything or I’ll send it to everyone. Might want to be more careful next time.

Anxiety twisted in his stomach at the thought of someone sending this to the whole school and outing him.

Manon caught his panic from the corned of the eyes. “Is everything okay?” she asked, concerned. She knew something was up with him but didn’t want to press or anything. Lucas will open up when he’s ready.

“I…yeah. It’s just, I realized I wrote the wrong answer in my test this morning,” Lucas lied.

“If you hadn’t bolted out of class and left it unfinished you would’ve figured your mistake,” Imane said and, although she didn’t exactly know what was up, she was right. If Lucas hadn’t bolted out of the classroom to meet Eliott, this picture wouldn’t exist in the first place.

Lucas stood up feeling faint and dizzy. He needed to talk to Eliott about this. He excused himself and ran outside, desperately looking for Eliott. He reached for his phone, texting him with trembling hands.

[12:37] Lucas: We need to talk. Someone saw us together this morning… Please Eliott

Lucas was now curled up behind the school building, where he was out of sight. He could feel a sense of panic building up inside him and Eliott had not yet answered him back. The older boy had left him without even giving Lucas a kiss. Lucas sighed reaching for his phone again to text him one more time.

[12:45] Lucas: Eliott please, I don’t feel well…

[12:46] Lucas: I’m behind the school, please just call me, I need to talk to you

Minutes passed and Lucas grew more and more anxious. He had been checking his phone every five seconds, making sure he didn’t miss Eliott’s text…but there was none.

Lucas was now having a full blown panic attack. He felt like his heart was about to leap out of his chest. It was getting hard to breath and his vision was blurring. He hadn’t gotten an attack this bad since the night Mika had found him. But now, in this moment, he felt like everything around him was falling apart. The panic being sparked by the fact that he had no control over anything, not even his own relationship. He brought his knees to his chest and put his head down trying to calm himself but it was no use. He was dreading going to class, knowing that he wasn’t well enough to even sit up for the whole lecture. What if the person who saw him was in his class?

At this rate he had given up hope on Eliott showing up. He was trying to mentally prepare himself to face everyone as the bell was about to ring. Just as he was about to stand, he heard a quiet yet concerned voice.

‘‘Lucas?���‘

[vitanes]

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 6: first times gone wrong

Lucas tries to deal with the aftermath of what he’s done with Chloé and he’s doing a terrible a job at it. Not to mention there are other problems coming up.

(a/n: theres a brief description of vomiting and a mild panic attack in the first scene)

Lucas is trying his hardest not to panic. His breaths are shallow, skin itchy and he’s lying still. He’s seen a used condom thrown next to the bed. There are scraps of memories from the night before flooding his mind and Lucas wants to disappear from here.

He most likely slept with Chloé. Had sex with her. Fuck, he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. How could he have let this happen? Does he not have an ounce of self-control? If so, he shouldn’t be allowed to drink alcohol.

Chloé stirs in her sleep and presses herself closer against Lucas’ side. He freezes and becomes very aware of their current state. They are fucking naked. They’re skin on skin. Her breasts are rubbing against his shoulder. It’s definitely too much and he needs to leave. He needs to be out of here in an instant or he’ll lose it.

He can’t believe he slept with her. Every time he closes his eyes there are images of her kissing him, them undressing and fucking. He needs to bleach his brain. The echoes of the sounds she was making are nauseating. Lucas shivers. 

There are a hum and a giggle. Lucas looks down and realises he’s got a very awake and naked girl on himself now.

She glances up at him, a blush spreading over her cheeks and down her neck, disappearing under the covers.

“Hello,” she says, her voice tinged with sleep. She props herself up on her elbow to leave a kiss on Lucas’ lips and he gets an eyeful of her naked body, the covers slipping off her chest.

“What happened?” he asks weakly when she leans away. He’s looking everywhere but at Chloé, blinking his eyes as not to let the tears spill.

Chloé’s lips start roaming around Lucas’ chest, sucking on his skin here and there. Leaving marks Lucas doesn’t want on his body. “We got here. You had some problems down there, but eventually, your body got the memo. And we, you know, fucked,” she mutters between kisses, shrugging by the time she says the last words. “You couldn’t stay up for long, probably too wasted,” she adds as an afterthought and chuckles, her teeth grazing over his nipple. “So you had to finish me up with your fingers. No big deal.” She looks up at him, smiling coyly.

Lucas gazes down at his palm, back up at Chloé and at his palm again, terrified.

“You don’t remember?”

He shakes his head, his eyes still haven’t moved away from his fingers. “I do. Some of it,” he whispers. Lucas was just hoping it’d turn out to be some fucked up dream and in reality, they only took their clothes off and went to sleep.

Chloé snorts and begins leaving kisses up his neck. “We’re both sober now. I’m sure it can go better,” she purrs and Lucas feels her hand sliding down his stomach.

Lucas opens his mouth to stay something, but his throat is too tight he can’t let out a sound. His pulse speeds up. He coughs. “I have to go,” he eventually manages to crack out. Clumsily, he escapes from under her and grabs his clothes.

“What?” she asks indignantly.

Lucas glances up at her and is filled with instant regret. She’s completely exposed. He shuts his eyes and blindly puts on a shirt. “Was it your first time?” he asks, his voice shaky.

“What kind of question is that?” Her tone is growing angrier.

“Just answer, please,” he begs her, tugging his briefs and pants on.

“It wasn’t,” she replies coldly.

Lucas sighs with relief and reaches out for his phone that’s lying dangerously close to the condom. “Good. Forget it happened,” he says, his eyes straying away from Chloé.

“What the fuck, Lucas?” she yells after him as he starts literally running out of the room and the flat. He doesn’t ponder on whose this place is and how they had access to it, simply wanting to be far away from here.

Once he’s outside the building, his heart beating rapidly in his chest, he rounds the corner and stops. He supports himself against the wall. Lucas’ hands are shaking and swallowing comes to him with great effort. He starts gasping for air to the point his throat is burning. His vision gets blurry and he bends in the middle.

He doesn’t even realise he’s puking at first, but when he does it’s hard to ignore. He starts full on crying halfway through, not being able to contain it anymore. He coughs up the vomit up until there’s nothing left and all he can do dry heave against the wall, his body uncontrollably shaking.

Lucas can’t breathe, can’t move and the smell of acid reaches his nostrils. He cries harder, clutching onto the wall to the point his knuckles turn white and his nails get damaged.

He falls down to his knees, most likely into all of his puke, and presses his forehead against the rough surface of the wall. He grits his teeth and wails. If he could, he’d scream but he thinks that he’d have to harm his vocal cords in order to let it all out. Lucas feels dirty and tired. He wants everything to stop so it won’t get even worse.

Why on earth did he do that? What’s gotten into his drunk, fucked up mind? Why does he hate himself so fucking much?

And Chloé, fuck, Chloé didn’t deserve a below average fuck with a closeted guy who apparently can’t even get it up. He shouldn’t have gotten anywhere near her. Near anyone, to be honest. He’s a fucking disaster, it’s astounding no one has realised that yet.

A shudder runs through his body and he breathes in harshly. In another universe, Lucas was enough. He and Chloé had fun and he didn’t run off. He was fucking normal.

In this one, he’s covered in Chloé’s cum, his vomit and smells like the mixture of the two, sweat and alcohol. He’s so grossed out. He wants to crawl out of his skin.

Lucas’ calms down even if the shivers still shake up his body and stands up. He doesn’t look down to see how dirty he is. He wipes his face with his hands and starts walking. He ignores the weird looks people throw his way, ignores the insistent buzzing in his pocket and throbbing in the tips of his fingers.

Lucas has no idea how long it takes him to get to the flat nor does he know what time it is. Once he’s home, he hangs his jacket by the door and takes his steps towards the bathroom. He doesn’t pay attention to Manon, Mika and Lisa, who greet him from the living room, and locks the door before he takes his clothes off.

He doesn’t put them in the basket, deciding he’ll throw them away as soon as he’s clean. He won’t be able to wear them again without remembering how much he hates himself.

Lucas gets in the shower and turns on the water. It’s nearly boiling, but he doesn’t care. He reaches out for his sponge, pours a few drops of shower gel on it and starts scrubbing his skin. He does it pressing the sponge hard, trying to clean the dirt off himself. He doesn’t want to feel Chloé on himself anymore but no matter how raw and red his skin is by the time he’s finished, he still can’t shake the events of the last night off himself.

Sliding down to a sitting position, Lucas hugs his knees to his chest and hides his face between them. And then he cries, and cries, and cries until he’s run out of all of the tears in his body.

The water washes them away, unlike the shame and humiliation he can’t get rid of.

After the shower, he goes to his bedroom and shuts the door closed. Like in trance, he turns his phone off, ignoring all of the notifications and crawls into his bed. He doesn’t leave it for the rest of the day.

 ***

 Sunday morning comes and goes. Lucas has only left his room to use the toilet. He hasn’t spoken to anyone and they must have understood he isn’t in the mood to be bothered by anyone.

He’s floating, not sure whether he’s awake or asleep most of the time. He’s numb, staring at the ceiling. There are no thoughts passing through his mind, only consistent white noise.

It must be midday by the time he hears knocking on his door. Lucas doesn’t acknowledge it, not having enough energy to care.

The door opens and his bed dips under someone’s weight.

“Hey, Lucas,” someone whispers gently, brushing their knuckles over the side of his face. Lucas’ eyes jump over to them and he sees it’s Mika, looking down on him with concern painted all over his features. “You haven’t eaten anything ever since you got back yesterday. Or left your room. We’re worried about you.”

Lucas gulps. “I’m fine,” he mumbles.

“You’re clearly not,” Mika states matter-of-factly, frowning.

“I did something with someone I shouldn’t have done it with,” Lucas says, his voice cracking in the middle. He turns on his side and hides his face in the pillow. He already said too much. He can’t have Mika figuring it out.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mika asks, rubbing comforting circles over Lucas’ back. Lucas shakes his head. “Do you want me to stay?”

Does he? A part of him wants to isolate himself from the whole world, disappear completely. But another part of him, the one craving human contact, wants to clutch on Mika’s shoulder and beg him not to leave.

“Go, I’ll be okay.” The first one wins as it always does. He builds yet another wall around himself, determined not to let anyone in.

Mika sighs and squeezes Lucas’ shoulder. “Alright. But I’m here. And Manon, and Lisa. We got your back,” Mika says and stands up.

Lucas wants to say thank you but the words are stuck in his throat. Mika leaves and Lucas starts sobbing once more.

A few hours later someone visits him again, interrupting his pity nap. His head snaps towards the cracked door.

Manon doesn’t come inside, only her head is peeking from behind the door. Lucas is grateful for that.

“I’ve cooked dinner and um… turns out there’s too much for one person. If you don’t want to eat now, I can wrap it up and put it in the fridge?” she asks, nervously biting down on her lower lip.

Lucas wants to cry from completely different reasons now. Manon’s been doing it for a week or so, having “too much” food for herself and sharing it with Lucas. She must have noticed he hasn’t been eating anything resembling a proper meal. And it’s not a secret he’s got no money.

Lucas nods. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

She smiles at him and quietly closes the door behind herself.

Lucas curls up into himself, willing to shut everything off.

 ***

 He doesn’t go to school on Monday. Lucas is far from ready for the boys asking him questions about what went down on Friday. If anything, he’d rather forget anything happened at all, although he’s not sure it’s possible. There are still faded hickeys splattered over his skin and his gut is churning every time images from that night come to his mind. Reliving it all, pretending he enjoyed a second of it for the sake of his friends is not in his repertoire.

Lucas wants quiet – and that’s exactly what he gets on Monday. He cracks his door open and all he hears is blissful nothing. Mika and Lisa have gone to work and Manon to school.

Lucas is all alone, free of pity and questions. Free of pressure.

He hasn’t turned his phone on; he doubts he’s going to do so any time soon. He wants to act like nothing exists, build a bubble around himself that will give him safety he can’t get from nowhere else. He’ll brace himself and go to school tomorrow, be ready to put on a mask for his friends. But he needs one more day. 

He leaves his bedroom, freshens himself up and takes his steps to the kitchen. Lucas opens the fridge and his eyes skim over the shelves. His looks poor and pathetic. No wonder Manon has taken mercy on him. Aside from what she’s left for him, there are three slices of salami, a half-finished stick of butter and two eggs. Organic ones.

Lucas sighs and his eyes move over to the carefully wrapped plate in the middle of his shelf. The food looks soggy by now, but it’s more he could wish for and he takes it out. Lucas unwraps it and puts it in the microwave.

Logically, Lucas knows he hasn’t eaten in a long time so he’s tired and out of energy and that’s why once he’s finished with the meal, there’s more strength and warmth inside of him. But still, he can’t help thinking that what fills him up now is Manon’s care she transferred into what she was cooking.

Maybe it’s Lucas’ stupid yearning for someone giving a shit about him.

It doesn’t change the fact every cell in his body is upset at the moment and wants to disappear. So after washing the plate he goes back to his room and lets himself drift off.

 ***

 It’s taken all of Lucas’ willpower to drag himself to school on Tuesday morning. He hasn’t bothered checking his notifications nor does he know what assignments he had to prepare for today. The fact he’s waiting in front of the school building, counting the minutes until the first bell to ring shouldn’t fool anyone. He’s this close from running away.

His friends haven’t said anything to him besides greetings. Yet. They’ve been giving him questioning looks ever since he arrived. Even Eliott seems concerned so Lucas can’t really shield himself with him. What a shame.

What Lucas is sure of is that something is coming. He can feel it in the air. They’re too tense, too awkward and clumsy in their conversations Lucas is mostly tuning out.

His eyes move over the schoolyard and momentarily all blood drains from his face. Chloé is here, making her way towards the entrance.

Lucas turns away before she can notice him and holds his breath until he sees her entering the building out of the corner of his eye.

He exhales loudly and drags a hand over his face, feeling nauseous all of sudden. He doesn’t want to go in there.

Lucas glances briefly towards the boys and sees that all of them have gone quiet and are watching him now. Oh, well.

“What was that?” Arthur asks.

Lucas shrugs. “Nothing.”

“Dude, she was trying to kill you with her eyes,” Basile says, gesticulating wildly.

Lucas can’t blame her. He treated her like shit.

“What exactly happened between you two?” Yann asks, his tone soft and curious.

Lucas feels trapped. They’re all looking at him, scrutinising him and he can feel his palms getting clammy. If he doesn’t address the issue, they won’t drop it. Unless he bullshits them or acts normally, but he can’t see himself acting like usual. Not in his current state. He had troubles dragging himself out of the bed in the morning, too scared of confrontations, of questions. Of having to explain his absence.

He should tell them ‘we had sex, it didn’t go well’ and get it over with, but he’s so ashamed of himself, too terrified of saying it out loud and making it real. He can’t bring himself to utter those words. Lucas wants to forget and he can’t do that here, with his friends.

His heart is beating loudly, too loudly for him to barely hear himself speaking over it when he says, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Lucas needs to get out of here. He can’t risk running into Chloé, can’t have Yann’s big brown eyes demanding answers Lucas isn’t up to giving. He won’t stand it for the whole day. He can’t even take it now.

The bell rings. The guys start walking, but Lucas’ legs are glued to the ground. He can’t move. The boys stop in their tracks and look at him.

“You coming?” Yann asks, one of his eyebrows raised.

Lucas shakes his head and clears his throat. “No, I’m not feeling so well,” he lets out.

They all watch him for a few seconds that feel like an eternity.

“Let us know when you get home,” Arthur whispers. Yann and Basile hum in agreement all the while Eliott steps towards Lucas.

“I’ll walk you, okay?” he asks, looking at Lucas meaningfully and for some reason, Lucas nods.

“Okay, we really need to go. But see you later,” Arthur says and waves at them before he, Yann and Basile disappear in the building.

Lucas and Eliott are left there, staring at each other for a long moment.

“You didn’t have to,” Lucas blurts out, his cheeks turning red. All he wanted was to leave and not deal with the guys and their question, but then he went and agreed on Eliott keeping him company. That’s stupid.

“I wanted to.” Eliott shrugs. “Do you really want to go home?”

Lucas thinks for a long moment. Would coming back to the flat be a good idea? He’s really distraught at the moment and Lucas isn’t sure that cooping up in his bedroom can end up well. He’s not as shaken up as he was during the weekend, sure, but what’s just happened affected him badly.

He shakes his head. He needs a distraction.

Eliott gives him a half-smile. “Come on,” he says and turns on his heel, not checking whether Lucas follows him.

Lucas hesitantly catches up to him and soon enough they are out of the school grounds. Presumably, they’re going nowhere, but Lucas can see an intent over Eliott’s face.

They don’t speak, not at first. Walking together in a comfortable silence is good. Lucas isn’t completely alone with his mind, but he isn’t pressured to say what’s happening either. He appreciates that.

He’s got no idea how much time passes until they stop, but by the way Lucas keeps sniffing and the tip of his nose is nearly frozen, he assumes they’ve been walking around for longer than he’d think.

“It’s a gate,” Lucas deadpans, seeing how Eliott is fiddling with a rusted chain.

Eliott smirks at him over the shoulder. “Oh, is it?” He wiggles his eyebrows and gets back to the task at hand.

Lucas rolls his eyes but with no ounce of annoyance. He watches Eliott struggle with the chain for a while and then it drops down. Eliott opens the gate and they both go in.

The place is big and seems like an abandoned park. Lucas takes it all in and then realises Eliott has moved forward. He joins him.

“What’s this place?”

Eliott shrugs. “I don’t know. I found it a few years ago. I like to come here when I want to be alone,” he explains, his eyes straying over the trees. “You’re the first person I’ve actually brought here,” he admits, a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Not even your ex?”

“You’re first,” Eliott repeats, looking up at the sky.

Lucas doesn’t mull over this information much, but feels warmth spreading over his chest at the fact Eliott wanted to show him his place. It means he hasn’t shown it to the boys he’s had a good relationship with from the beginning. It means he hasn’t brought Arthur here.

“Are you and Arthur dating now?” he asks, kicking a rock to the side. Eliott huffs. 

“Are you and Chloé?” Eliott retorts back and Lucas frowns.

“God, no.”

“See.”

“But I saw you at the party.” Lucas knows it’s a weak argument because it’s not like he wasn’t making out with Chloé at the party either.

Eliott scratches at the side his head, his nose scrunched up. “We were drunk. Kinda upset. One thing led to another. Sometimes you just feel like making out,” he says, his tone nonchalant.  

“I slept with Chloé,” Lucas confesses and sees that Eliott’s steps falter for a second before they get back to normal.

“Oh. That’s nice?” He looks at Lucas unsurely.

“I hate everything about it,” Lucas admits. “At least it wasn’t her first time.” He glances briefly towards Eliott and sees him watching him.

“But it was yours?” he asks, figuring Lucas out quickly. Maybe too quickly.

Lucas nods, his fingers curling into fists. “I spent whole Saturday crying,” he shrugs one shoulder, “It’s stupid, I know.” He can’t exactly tell Eliott the reasons behind his breakdown but he needs to say at least a bit of it instead of keeping it inside.

“It’s not stupid. But I think that glorification of first times is such bullshit. And then when it’s bad and disappointing it fucks people over. Listen, my first time wasn’t brilliant either and it was with someone I was in love with. Don’t let it get to you that much.”

“If I wanted to do it and it was with someone I was attracted to, I wouldn’t mind it going bad at first,” Lucas murmurs. It’s the fact he doesn’t like Chloé, he doesn’t remember shit and Chloé is a fucking girl.

“Why did you do it if you don’t like her?” Eliott asks, genuinely confused.

That’s what’s expected of me, he wants to say but ends up with, “I was drunk and she was there.” Wow, the award for the douche of the year goes to Lucas Lallemant. “The guys wanted me to,” he adds nervously. He doesn’t want Eliott to think Lucas uses women or something.

“I’m sure they didn’t want you to have sex with someone you aren’t into and have trauma because of it.”

“They wouldn’t stop pressuring me to do stuff with her. I was tired. And drunk.” The fact he met the guy he’s having problems because of at the moment, earlier that night and then saw Eliott and Arthur making out so freely only added to it. But in the end, he’s got no one else but himself to blame.

“You can’t just do everything the society tells you.”

It’s easier said than done.

Eliott stops and Lucas looks around. He notices a path leading to a bridge and after a few seconds recognition dawns on him.

“Isn’t it the place from your short movie?” he asks Eliott, pointing at the bridge and the tunnel underneath it. Eliott only grins at him cheekily and walks forward, tugging on Lucas’ sleeve to drag him with himself.

It’s dark when they get to the tunnel. They find themselves a place to sit down against the wall and plop down. Lucas hopes his clothes won’t get too dirty.

“You know, you don’t have to treat it as your first time if you don’t want to,” Eliott says thoughtfully. “I don’t count my first ever kiss as my first kiss for example. We barely touched lips and he smelled of garlic. Once you have it with someone you enjoy it, you can claim it as your first. That with Chloé? It was an error.” Lucas can hear a smile in Eliott’s voice and he looks to the side to get a glimpse of it.

“How long you and your girlfriend were together?” Lucas asks.

“A couple of years. Mostly on and off, though. It was so bad at the end,” Eliott says, magically pulling a joint and a lighter out of his pocket. He presents it to Lucas with a ‘ta da!’ and Lucas chuckles. It’s a little rumpled but will do. Eliott lights the joint up, takes a drag and passes it to Lucas. “We got toxic at some point. We weren’t good for each other. And the whole time we were together I was searching for something I couldn’t feel with her. That’s why we were on and off. I’d meet someone new, think they are it and break up with her. Turns out it wasn’t what I wanted and I’d go back to her.”

“And she took you back?” Lucas asks, giving the joint back to Eliott.

“Like I said, toxic, so yeah. But then some shit happened, I had to change schools. I got here and finally had an epiphany. I decided to end it once and for all. She didn’t take it well, but it was good for both of us.” Eliott lets out a thick cloud of smoke and for a second Lucas is mesmerised before he catches on and takes the joint to himself.

“You won’t tell me why you had to change schools, right?” Lucas asks, drumming his fingers over his knee.

“Maybe one day.” Eliott smiles at him, his eyes full of sparks.

 ***

 Lucas gets slightly better after the day he spends with Eliott. He’s less shaky, gets back to school and tries to act normal. He still avoids confronting with Chloé and gets worried looks from his friends, but no one asks him any questions and it’s easier to just be.

There’s this want in him to kick his past self for not realising Eliott was so awesome sooner.

Still, though. Things aren’t as perfect as Lucas wishes them to be. He can’t focus on school, he can’t sleep. He starts worrying about what he’s going to do with the blackmailer once he checks his bank account and sees there isn’t much. Every time he catches Chloé watching him he feels like throwing up again. He’s stressed out and the fact that Yann keeps trying to reach out to him through intense gazes gets insufferable. By Thursday, apparently neither of them can take it.

They’re coming back from lunch, another one Lucas sat through empty-handed and Yann stops Lucas by grabbing his elbow, letting the guys get ahead of them. 

“What’s happening, Lucas?” he asks in a hushed voice.

Lucas looks around and opens his mouth, but Yann beats him to it. “Don’t say everything’s fine, it’s bullshit.”

Lucas clamps his mouth shut.

“You don’t have money? And what the fuck happened on Friday between you and Chloé that made you like this? You go MIA for three days, come back looking like death and then ditch school again. What’s going on?”

Yann doesn’t look angry, only concerned. And that’s what’s the worst about it. If Yann was mad at him, Lucas could lash out at him, scream as much as he wants to without feeling that guilty. But Yann is gentle with him, worried and Lucas can’t stop his chin from wobbling and body from shaking by the time Yann is done.

Man, he’s so tired. He’d love to tell Yann all about what’s going on; that his father doesn’t give a fuck about him and hasn’t replied to any of his messages literally begging for money, that there’s someone wanting to out him, that he’s had sex with Chloé and feels disgusted with himself for it.

That he’s gay and sometimes he’d rather be dead.

“You wouldn’t understand,” Lucas lets out in a weak voice and Yann’s eyes widen.

“You think I wouldn’t? I’m your best friend, Lucas.”

“That doesn’t change a thing,” he mutters and now Yann looks like he’s been slapped in the face. He lets go of his arm and steps back.

“I’m so worried about you, I just want to be there for you and know what’s going on with you, fuck. But fine, don’t want to talk? Whatever. Stop worrying everyone then and we’ll get over it. And if you, by any chance, want to say something, you know how to find me,“ he mutters and before Lucas can say anything, rushes off in a different direction.

Lucas stays there, in the middle of the corridor, his lips parted and eyes glassy. Breathing is difficult, but he takes a few deep inhales, willing his heart to stop beating so fast. He blinks his eyes a couple of times and sniffs.

He simply needs to start acting like a typical Lucas, fully ignoring every single issue in his life. Easy.

 ***

 A few tentative knocks on his door and Lucas knows it’s bad news. It’s Friday, bad things happen on Fridays. That’s his life.

Mika doesn’t wait for an invitation, but opens the door and walks in. He radiates anxious energy and Lucas squints at him. Did he forget to clean up? Does Mika want to address weird sobbing sounds coming from Lucas’ room every few nights?

“What’s up?” Lucas asks.

“Well. It’s awful that I have to say it. I don’t even know how to start.”

So it’s not about cleaning up.

“It’s the best to start from the beginning,” Lucas suggests and gets a tight smile in return.

“So, we have to pay our rent if we live here.” Well, Lucas knows where this is going. And it doesn’t seem like Mika’s typical nagging. It’s serious now and that’s what Lucas has been scared of for the past few weeks. “I know you’ve told me you were going to handle it, but… you haven’t paid for the last month and soon we will have to pay for this one. Lisa and I, we covered your rent last time. But you know we aren’t like, loaded or something.” Lucas didn’t even know they did that. But it makes sense, otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to pay the whole thing to the owner and their media would be cut off. “We love having you here, and if it depended on me I’d let you stay for free. We know you have problems. But the owner, man, he doesn’t care. He,” Mika stops and looks to the side. Lucas notices he’s wringing his fingers.

“Yeah?”

“He said that if you don’t pay, you’re out. He’s already unhappy we’re letting Manon stay here.”

Realisation hits Lucas so hard he nearly tumbles over. “You’re kicking me out,” he says under his breath, his voice weak and small.

He’s got no other place to go.

Mika gasps. “No, no, no. We aren’t. But you need to pay rent. And not soon, but like instantly? I hate delivering this news to you.” Mika says, apologetic.

Lucas needs to go. He needs to leave, like now.

Without much thinking, he grabs his phone and gets out of the room.

“Lucas? Where are you going?” Mika asks, following him. Lucas doesn’t answer. He puts on his jacket and shoes and literally bolts out of the flat.

By the time he’s reached the end of staircase and is nearly out of the building, he’s ringing his father.

Five signals, that’s how long Lucas is waiting for him to answer.

“What?” He sounds just as unpleasant as Lucas remembers.

“I need money for rent,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound as desperate as he feels.

“I transferred you already.”

“Yeah, last fucking month. I don’t have any and I’m about to be kicked out.” He starts pacing, dragging his feet over the pavement.

“Watch your tone. It should have lasted you. Not my fault you keep spending it on stupid things.”

Lucas wants to punch him so badly. “Dad, I’ll be homeless. Please, send me enough for rent. You owe me.” He’s about to start crying again. He’s been crying a lot nowadays. He starts walking forward, not really caring where to.

“I don’t owe you anything, you brat.”

“You left me and mom.” How can he say that he doesn’t owe him anything? How can he just not care at all? Lucas has no one else to rely on and his father is turning his back on him.

“I’m paying for her stay in the clinic. I have to live, too. And I send you enough every month. You think you can live on your own? You should be responsible with your money,” he barks out. It seems as if he’s putting the blame on Lucas, on the fact he’s moved out. But what else was he supposed to do? He tried taking care of his mom, but it didn’t work out. He was only her son, he couldn’t work a miracle. He had to get away.

“You haven’t sent this month, though. I don’t have enough for food, let alone to pay for my room. I’m your son, you have to–“

“I don’t have to do anything. And I’m not sleeping on money, either.”

“Please. Please, just for rent,” Lucas pleads, his voice breaking. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if his father doesn’t give him money. He’s got no one else to ask.

The silence answers him and then his dad hangs up. Just like that. Lucas is appalled at first and he stops. He keeps staring at his phone until the screen goes dark. Then he panics when he tries to call again and again, but it goes straight to voicemail now.

“Please, I have no one else to ask. Please,” he says into his phone, clutching on it so hard to the point his knuckles turn white.

He gets no reply.

It’s then that Lucas realises how fucked he is. No money to have a home, to eat and to pay off the blackmailer. He can’t imagine his life now. It’s ended. He’s completely helpless. Lucas can’t ask anyone else to provide for him, he can’t go back to the flat. He doesn’t have enough courage to face any of his friends.

He’s completely alone. He always is.

Lucas leans his forehead against the wall and lets out a guttural sound, his teeth gritted. He wishes he could cease to exist. He can’t take all of this anymore. It’s too much to handle, he thought he was strong enough, but turns out some things are much bigger than him.

Lucas is bone-tired, exhausted beyond the point of explanation. After all, he’s just a simple teenager, not cut out to deal with all of that.

He punches the wall. Once, twice. He loses count. He needs to let out all of that somehow and there are no other ideas in his head than just ripping his skin on the rough concrete. He’s already damaged and torn apart, no harm can make it worse. And this way he can at the very least release some of that’s been piling up inside of him for weeks if not months.

Maybe it’s started when his father left. Or before that, when all he could hear were screams of his parents and his mother’s cry.  

Everything’s always been surrounded by pain, ever since he can remember. So now he embraces it, he hits the wall up until there’s piercing ache shooting up from his fingers and then a little more up to the moment he can’t move his hand anymore.

He exhales through the snot dripping down his nose and coughs, bringing his shaking hand before his eyes. Lucas looks down and reaches his uninjured fingers towards his bloody knuckles. He sniffs, trying to gently maneuver them but giving up when he can’t stand the sensations. He clutches the hand to his chest and slides down to the pavement.

Lucas ignores the buzzing of his phone in the pocket of his jacket, ignores his damaged fingers or the way the sky has turned dark.

He’s fine. Totally fine.

[she-is-tim]

I love hating you | Elu enemies to lovers AU | Ch.11

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 6.5, 7, 8, 9, 10

Lucas is an angry, closeted and frustrated gay teenager, while Eliott is the handsome, smart and popular guy in school. They hate each other… but not forever.

I don’t know what to do

The couch started to become Lucas’ best friend through the agonizing days. He spent most of his time laying on it, wrapped in a blanket, crying his eyes out, his mind replaying the events of saturday over and over again. He could see Eliott’s face looking at him from the side of the bed, all serious, then his naked body disappearing behind the door. He pulled the blanket over his head and tried to calm himself down. His breathing were uneven, his chest was hurting like never before. All he wanted is to just scratch off his skin and get rid of the pain inside his body. It was so hard.

His hand reached for the phone on the coffee table, despite all the effort trying to hold himself back, he just couldn’t. He opened his messages, ignoring everything coming from his friends, since he had no energy to deal with them. It took him almost a minute to finally press on the name, opening his chat with Eliott. He felt tears blurring his vision, but he didn’t needed to see the letters, because he knew well what was there on the screen.

From Eliott I think we should stop seeing each other for a while. I am sorry that I scared you, but I need time to recover and being around you wouldn’t help with that. I hope you understand. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.

To Eliott Can’t we just talk? I am fine we can get through this together Eliott, please don’t do this to me Say something Eliott, I’m begging you

From Eliott  Just leave me alone, I can’t do this

Lucas wanted to respond to that, but Eliott blocked his number. Then he blocked him on instagram too, cutting himself off completely. He felt like he was drowning, suffocating in his own tears. Dealing with such a heartbreak, being rejected by the person you love is the worst thing in this world. He didn’t understand this at all. They were so happy, things were perfect and even when all went downhill, Lucas couldn’t stop loving Eliott, he was worried, upset, but he wasn’t even thinking about leaving him. He just had a manic episode, he read a lot about it and was aware of what he has to face when being with Eliott, but it seems like the tall boy had different sight on things.

He closed the chat now, shoving his phone under his pillow and forcing himself to close his eyes. He wanted to sleep, but as soon as he was drifting off into the painless void, his mind started to show him memories. The most painful ones where he and Eliott were happy together, laughing, kissing, talking and just having fun in general. Hanging out with the boys, the girls, with everyone in the flat. The aching in his chest grew stronger, making him feel like something is pressing the oxygen out of his lungs. 

He got back to earth when Mika was shaking his body gently, calling his name multiple times. He was gasping, his vision was blurry, so he had to blink a few times while his breathing started to normalize. His lung was burning like hellfire and he hated that feeling, since his chest was already in pain. He looked at Mika and Manon, who were standing by the couch, looking at him worried. He probably had a panic attack, that’s why he felt like he was underwater with no oxygen. 

“I’m fine.” he mumbled, voice awfully hoarse and he could feel how chapped his lips were. He haven’t eaten anything or drink much since saturday, so he was kinda dehydrated. 

“Lucas, I get that you probably don’t wanna talk about it, but we are here for you.” Mika said softly, brushing a strand of hair out of the boy’s face. He could feel the tears building up again after that tender move. He didn’t want anyone to touch him, not like this. He pulled his head back, trying to melt into the back of the couch. 

 “Do you need a tea?” Manon asked softly now, grabbing Mika’s arm and pulling him away, seeing that the boy didn’t wanted any physical contact. Lucas pursed his lips and just shook his head. “Okay, we let you sleep now.” she said and shot a look at Mika.

“But Manon...”

“Come on, Mika.” She said seriously, pulling the man away now. He just let out a big sigh and followed the girl to the kitchen.

Lucas was really glad that it was spring break, because he was sure that going to school would not be an option to him. And somewhere in the back of his mind he was relieved that Eliott won’t be missing school yet again. He was already having troubles for staying home too much, so it wouldn’t be good for him to skip another week. Although he knew that Eliott’s parents informed the principal of his illness, it wasn’t an option to allow him to miss school too much. 

He wanted to smack his head into the wall for thinking about the tall boy again. Even with his best efforts, he just couldn’t not remember him and worry about him. It was hurting his feelings, yes, but Eliott was the person he loved, that was not something that goes away after a few days. He kept checking his phone from time to time, hoping that it was just a mistake, that Eliott is going to call him and ask him to come over. But it never happened. When he got a text from Lucille, though his heart skipped a beat. 

From Lucille Let’s meet at the coffee shop tomorrow at 10

To Lucille Is he okay? 

From Lucille  It’s not a topic for texts, see you tomorrow? 

To Lucille I’ll be there 

Lucas barely slept, he looked like a walking zombie when he saw himself in the mirror. He decided to take a shower, trying to fix his hair and refresh his face, though the redness in his eyes didn’t disappear. He put on jeans and a long sleeve shirt, pulling his jacket on, grabbing his keys and left the flat. He was nervous, but not like last time. This time it was because he was truly afraid of what Lucille is going to say. They haven’t talked since sunday morning and it was wednesday now. He was suffering for three whole days on that fucking couch, drowning in his tears and sorrows. But now he had to get his shit together, acting like he was a well-functioning teenager. The aching in his chest started to become part of his daily life, it didn’t bother him anymore.

When he got to the coffee place, Lucille was already sitting at a table outside, stirring her coffee. There was a latte, ready for Lucas to drink and two croissants on a white plate. He tried to stop his hands from shaking as he sat down and looked at the girl. She seemed exhausted too, dark circles around her eyes, but she was still beautiful, unlike the boy. There was clear worry in her eyes when she loked up and down on him, realizing how fucked up he was. She sighed. 

“He is having a difficult time.” she started and looked at the busy street now. “I don’t know what he said to you, or what...”

“He said nothing.” Lucas cut her off, being the rude little hedgehog he was. “He told me to leave him alone and then blocked me.” he said seriously, fighting back those damn tears yet again. Lucille sighed and ran her fingers through her curly locks. It was painful to see how similar it was to how Eliott used to do it. 

“He is so dramatic.” she mumbled and looked at the street again, then back at Lucas. “I don’t know what he’s thinking, because he’s not talking to anyone, not me, not Sofiane or Idriss. I told our parents that he’s having an episode, but asked them not to come back to Paris. I don’t think it would be helpful if they would be in his neck 24/7.” she explained and continued to stir her coffee that didn’t even seemed to be hot. 

“I don’t know what to do.” Lucas said suddenly, surprising even himself, but the girl just looked at him with anticipation in her eyes. “I was scared that night, yes, but I had no intentions to leave him... I knew what I have to deal with when I became his boyfriend. But all this... that he’s cutting me off his life is just too painful... I want to just stop trying and let it go sometimes, because it’s just too much.” he muttered, not even trying to stop his tears now. Lucille reached her hand over the table and grabbed Lucas’ softly, rubbing it with her thumb. 

“I know that it’s hard... After we found out what is going on with him... What is this that he has to live with, it was really difficult. Not just for him, but for us, his family. We were talking with doctors, looked up things online to make sure we are not pushing him to the wrong direction. Mom and dad were fighting a lot in those times and I had to stay with Eliott, making sure that he is okay. He was blaming himself for the fights, but that wasn’t true. They weren’t angry because of the situation, they were frustrated because their son was suffering and they couldn’t do anything about it. We learned through the years and now we know when to give him space, when ask him questions, when can we take him seriously and when we have to let his words just slip away.” she said, voice calm and soft, just like the look on her face. Lucas haven’t stopped crying and she raised her free hand to wipe off tears from his face, caressing it slowly. “Do you love him?” 

“Yes.” he answered without hesitation, nodding his head.

“Then don’t give up on him, okay?” she said softly. “I know he is a problematic person, not because of his illness, but because of his personality. He can be a real pain in the ass, but I saw how he’s looking at you, how he’s talking about you.” she paused for a moment, pulling her hands back to take a sip from her coffee. “He had flings, boys and girls after Sophie, but never anything serious. Then you came into his life and I’ve never seen him being happier.” 

“And now he’s in pain...” he mumbled, looking down at his lap.

“There will be times when he will be in pain, Lucas. He will suffer and you can’t do anything to make it easier.” she said, her voice cracking a little at the end and as the boy snatched his head up, he could see her wiping off a single tear from her cheek. “You just have to be strong enough to get through these times with him. Because after that everything will be perfect and it’s gonna make things worth it.” she finished and continued drinking her coffee now. 

Lucas didn’t know what to say, but her words were digging their way inside his heart, making him feel better. Suddenly he felt like he can actually breathe again, the constant pain in his chest were easing up. He decided to just sip on his latte too, enjoying the calm silence with this wonderful woman. If he ever had the chance to have a sister, he wanted her to be like Lucille. Then he remembered that he does have a sister, not by blood, but he still had her. Manon was always there for him when he needed someone, she was more understanding than anyone and seemed like she could read Lucas’ very soul. He just wanted to go home now and hug her, thank her for everything she had done, for putting up with all his bullshit and carrying through his worst days.

When they both finished their drinks and ate the croissants, not really talking to each other, they got ready to leave. Lucas wasn’t expecting from Lucille to pull him into a soft, careful hug, but he enjoyed nonetheless. After that they both went on their own ways, Lucas taking a little detour, buying some groceries and everyone’s favorite sweets too. When he got home he found Mika and Manon on the couch, talking about something, but they went silent when they saw Lucas entering, so he knew they were talking about him. 

“Hey guys!” he said softly, still holding the bag in his hand. Mika and Manon looked at him seemly in shock.

“Hey!” the girl said after thirty seconds of awkward silence. 

“I got some groceries.” he said and raised the bag. “Also got some sweets for you guys.” a soft smile appeared on his face, weak, but at least honest. 

“Oh that sounds awesome.” Mika jumped up from the couch, running to Lucas and wrapping him up in a bone-crashing hug. “I missed you, Kitten!” he mumbled. Lucas laughed and wrapped his free arm around Mika softly, it felt good to be hugged by him.

“I was away for just a few hours.” he said softly and glanced at Manon, who walked towards them with a soft smile on her face. 

“You know how he meant it.” she said and rubbed the short boy’s arm. “It’s good to have you back.” 

“It’s good to be back.” he whispered into the older guy’s shoulder now, dropping the bag and wrapping both of his arms around him. Manon decided to join in and hugged both of them from the side, burying her face into Lucas’ neck. 

Lucas spent the rest of his day answering to his friend’s messages. All of them were concerned after he wasn’t responding for days. They had no idea what happened with Eliott and it was good like that. He only told Mika and Manon, because he trusted them, plus he made them promise not to talk about it to anyone else. He explained what happened exactly, how things went downhill, how scared he was when Eliott just ran off naked, how he felt when the police called him. What happened at the station, his fight with Lucille, Eliott’s texts, him blocking Lucas everywhere. He felt relieved after finishing the story. He got some hugs from his flatmates and they decided to watch a movie together. Lucas agreed, but he was mostly on his phone, reassuring the boys and the girls that he was fine. Then he saw the messages from Sofiane and he opened it with shaky hands. 

sofalaoui Lucille called me and told me what happened Is everything okay with you?  You must be in shock, but Eliott needs you  Answer, please

The first two messages were from sunday, the third from monday and then the last from tuesday. Lucas sighed and leant back on the couch, staring at his phone for a couple minutes, thinking about what he should say to Sofiane. He was Eliott’s friend, but he probably had no idea what he did after his episode. How he pushed Lucas away. The boy wasn’t blaming Eliott or anyone in fact, but he had the right to feel heartbroken. He took a deep breath and started typing.

lucallemant Hi, I’m sure you have no idea, but I think Eliott broke up with me 

The reply came within a minute and Lucas couldn’t stop himself from smiling. Sofiane was just like Eliott, texting back immediately.

sofalaoui What do you mean? Why would he do that? 

lucallemant I am not sure, he blocked my number and blocked me on instagram 

sofalaoui Woah, that’s extreme Did you talk to him? 

lucallemant I tried to, before he blocked me  I met Lucille today and she said that he’s not well 

sofalaoui I’m sorry, Lucas I wish I could help, but you know him... 

lucallemant  He is fucking stubborn...

sofalaoui Exactly You wanna meet up tomorrow maybe? 

lucallemant No, I’m meeting the boys tomorrow And I’m not sure if we should meet 

sofalaoui Why? Did I do something wrong? 

Lucas could feel the concern in those words and see the worrying frown on Sofiane’s face. He sighed and pulled up his legs, hugging them while texting back to him. Mika, Lisa and Manon were too busy watching some shitty romantic movie.

lucallemant No, of course not But you are Eliott’s best friend and he might not be happy if he would know that you were hanging out with his ex

sofalaoui You are not his ex

lucallemant Apparently, I am 

sofalaoui You’re just giving up on him like this? 

lucallemant I am not gonna give up I love him 

sofalaoui Does he know that? 

lucallemant  Not yet 

He sighed and put down his phone for now. He kept saying to people that he loves Eliott and it was burning his chest how he couldn’t tell him too. It wasn’t hard, not after all this. Realizing how terrified he was when Eliott disappeared in the night, not knowing what can happen to him, not knowing if he’s safe or if he gets hurt before the police finds him. These all combined made him sure that his feelings were strong, stronger than he ever expected them to be. It was something he never felt before, something he only read about in those shitty books that was required for literature classes. He had to smile when he remembered how much Eliott loved those sappy books. 

The next day he met up with the gang in the park. He was nervous and not sure what to tell them. He didn’t wanted to make Eliott be a bad guy, because he wasn’t, but he also wasn’t sure if he could speak about his bipolarity without him agreeing to it. That was something Lucas couldn’t just decide by himself. Suddenly he just wanted to run back home and not meeting the boys, maybe meeting up with Sofiane instead, since he could talk to him honestly, maybe even asking his opinion on things, but he got off the bus now and he could see them from far away. He took a deep breath and started walking. 

The boys were sitting on a bench, facing the small lake and were talking about some nonsense, laughing too much. Lucas slowly appreached them and just watched for a little, listening to all the stupid shit Basile was saying, smiling fondly when Arthur shut him off. He walked around the bench, smiling softly.

“Hey.” he greeted them. The boys jumped up, all of them at the same time and wil a loud “Lulu” they pulled him in a tight group hug. Lucas laughed and tried to wrap his arms around all three of them, he was a bit overwhelmed, but also really happy.

“We missed you, Lulu.” Arthur said and he rubbed the boy’s back softly.

“We really did.” Baz continued.

“And we were worried too.” Yann added, ruffling Lucas’ already messy hair with a gentle smile on his face. 

“I’m sorry, boys. Things just happened and I needed some time alone.” he explained and sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two fingers. 

“What things?” Arthur raised his eyebrows and they pulled back now, sitting on the bench again, while Lucas was standing in front of them. 

“There was... Things are difficult between me and Eliott right now. Something happened that was out of our control, so we’re... sort of taking a break.” he explained slowly, trying to keep his emotions inside. He was crying enough lately, it was time to be strong and fight for the person he loved. 

“Wait, did you guys break up?” Basile asked confused.

“Yeah.” Lucas answered shortly and sighed. “Things are hard for us now and I think he needs some time... he is... He’s depressed.” he said finally and looked at the trees nearby instead of looking at his friends.

“Wait a second... is Eliott bipolar?” Basile asked suddenly, shocking everyone with it. Lucas eyes opened widely, staring at his idiot friend in disbelief. 

“How do you...?” 

“My mom is also bipolar.” he said simply, shrugging and looking around to see that all the boys were looking at him surprised. “You guys never asked, so I didn’t tell.” he defended himself. “What happened with Eliott?” 

“He... he had a manic episode.” Lucas said now honestly, letting out a deep sigh. “He ran off naked in the middle of the night.” 

“He was naked?” Arthur asked shocked, while Basile started laughing.

“That’s so funny.” he said between two laughs, earning a deadly look from Lucas. “Okay, sorry.” he coughed. “So he’s depressed now... because you guys had a fight?”

“No.” Lucas shook his head. “After the police found him, his sister talked to the officers, while I brought our stuff from the hotel room...”

“Wait, hold on.” Yann said suddenly. “Hotel room?” 

“Yeah.” Lucas mumbled and felt his ears burning now. “We went to a hotel on saturday... it was his surprise for me.” he explained.

“Fuck, you really have the best boyfriend, huh?” Arthur said with a jealous look on his face. Lucas wanted to remind him that they weren’t a couple anymore, but he felt like if he says it too many times, it’s going to be real. That was something he wanted to avoid at all costs. 

“So what happened after?” Yann asked now, paying full attention to his best friend now. 

“He didn’t wanted to see me, so I went home... I was really worried, Lucille, his sister didn’t contact me at all, but then I got a message from Eliott. He said that he needs space, he wanna get well, but I would just hold him back... and then he blocked me.” he finished, sniffing a little to help holding back the tears. I can’t cry again. I can’t cry again. 

“Man, that’s tough shit.” Arthur sighed.

“But you aren’t going to give up on him, right?” Basile asked curiously. “I mean... My mom did stuff like this, yelling at me and throwing stuff when she was mad or depressed. It sure can get nasty, but We’ve all seen how Eliott looks at you.” 

“I’m not planning to.” Lucas said with a soft smile and he felt a sudden urge to just hug the shit out of Basile. He knew that with all the stupid stuff he was saying and doing, deep down he was a kindhearted boy, but right now he grew big in the short boy’s eyes. “I wanna talk to him once he’s feeling better.” he said honestly and seeing the proud look on his friends’ face made him feel happy.

“That’s the spirit, Lulu.” Yann said, smirking and got up from the bench. “Now let’s go and have some fun! We can borrow my sister’s electric scooter.” he offered, which made everyone excited now. 

“Let’s go then.” Lucas said laughing and he left the park with the boys, heading to Yann’s place. 

This one might not have been as long as the previous ones, but I wanted to end it here, with that hilarious insta picture, because we all love le Gang! The next one might be from Eliott’s POV, so prepare for more angst before they actually get back together. I also feel like getting to the end of this story, so If you guys have suggestions for other AUs, feel free to tell me. I have some plans, but nothing is clear yet. Bisous

[dapanem]

Okay since i dont always update for fics (Actually I just lost motivation for it once I got too into it) I decided to just do it like this:

-Marinette/Ladybug’s background would be that Marinette isnt a skater and she still design in my plot of this AU and she did design ladybug’s outfit. Marinette is always fascinated with all the figure skater’s outfits. Though she did skated on her childhood along with her best friend,Nino, she wasnt into it that much unlike him. Until she watched Adrien’s junior debut. Marinette then became a huge fan of Adrien Agreste. She was surprised to know that her figure skating otaku friend became best buds with him. So she had met him once (on his first debut). A few years after that Ladybug exsisted because of an accident. A video of her trying out a new costume while skating one of Gabriel Agreste’s master piece and a few complicated jumps and step sequences there got out. The perpetrator was cute little Manon who is also a skating otaku. Their family owned the skating house Marinette and Nino used to practice on their childhood (they still occasionally do it but of course Marinette trips here and there). This video went viral to all Skaters. Nino had called his friend the morning it got out because HIS FRIEND CAN SKATE AND DIDNT FALL ON HER FEET. Of course Marinette is all like I WAS FEELING THE OUTFIT I DIDNT MEAN FOR IT END UP LIKE THAT and went on a full day Panic Mode. Sure no one would recognize her (with the make up and all) but she was still scared. Enter Tikki who knows Marinette with or without make up (She was the one who painted her face on that video after all) saying she should join the next competition! But Marinette wouldnt budge. Because there is no way Marinette wont trip in front of the whole world. Eventually she was then convinced by Tikki’s reasons (like not letting the world know who is behind the “mask” and having an alias)(I honestly dont know if thats possible). So she joined the competition. With Tikki’s help, she met a proffesional coach name Alya Cesaire. There begins Ladybug’s adventure as a figure skater.

-Now enter Adrien Agreste/Chat Noir. Chat doesnt show much in this AU since I have absolutely know idea on where to put him (WHICH SUCKS CUS I LOVE BOTH OF THEM!!!) So it means Adrien has the most screen shows. So yeah Adrien Agreste is the son of Gabriel Agreste, A legend in the Skating World. Gabriel Agreste has made himself a respectful title because of his records. Every Grand Prix he enters, he break his record. Currently, the highest record he had made which is the highest skating record is 403. 50 for a combined score of the short program and free skate. This leaves Adrien being more pressured. He did well on his Junior debut. He won but it wasnt enough for his father because he didnt beat the highest record(Gabriel’s record). He didnt take much of the harsh words of his father that night before the celebration because he met his best friend there, Nino Lahiffe. He brought his best friend who made his costume and had supported him all through out. She was very shy around him and cant seem to make her words which he found cute (Reverse Crush AU!! But not really). Eventually he fell for Marinette but only Nino knows. His friendship with Nino is also something new to him. He was used to the intimidated hostile act towards him but with Nino’s chill personality, it surprised him. Then enter Ladybug’s viral video, his father became more strict. Practice almost 24 hours, He had to run two or three more miles than usual and stretching till he felt like he no longer have bones. It became a hell for him. His father had retired to become his coach(sorry forgot to mention this earlier). He didnt exactly hate Ladybug, it wasnt her fault his father is very competitive and demanding. But he did built a certain competitive attitude on her. So when she comes to the skating industry, he didnt fully welcomed her. But he was still nice to her. Then enter a small relaxing time for the skaters, which was more practice time for him, he decided to break a few rules. He decided to go around the country their in(which is where the Grand Prix Final happens). As he was about to go out, the papparazzi and his fans are waiting outside. This was a hindrance to his plans. Eventually he thought about diguises and asked Plagg, his make up artist, to do a unrecognizable “mask” to be able to hide to the press. Now Chat Noir he went around the country and had an accidental meeting with Marinette at some busy street. She was lost and got carried by the crowd. Marinette then fell in love with him (he doesnt know though) because of his fun and gentle way of being with her. Their hang out (*cough*date*cough*) got cut off by Nino noticing Marinette’s pigtails on the crowd. He doesnt want his identity be revealed to Marinette because he didnt act the way Adrien Agreste should act, so he left her with a goodbye and a kiss to the cheek.

-Nino/Carapace is ,as i stated earlier, the childhood best friend of Marinette. They grew up together and he always tried to keep Marinette from falling on ice. Eventually because of that he built up a slow pace. This became his signature move. He was called “The Turtle” on ice. Eventually that became a joke to all his friends and had decided to call him “Carapace”. His coach, Wayzz, helped him on getting his name known in the skating world. In his Junior Debut, he met his Best Friend who beat him to first place. He wasnt that depressed about it because he knows he did well on his short program and free skate. But he was worried about Adrien’s well being when he first laid his eyes on him. The boys was so skinny and he looks like he’ll fly away when a light wind blows. He was amazed once he saw him on ice. Adrien’s jumps compared to his are higher and much smoother. He step sequence are longer and faster. Everything about his skating just blew him away. When he looked at his best friend he saw how amazed she was and teased her about it. Marinette of course noticed the dissapointment in him and encouraged and supported him. She smiled and laugh with him. He really did love his best friend. Then a few years later, he met this tenacious coach, Alya Cesaire. The coach of his best friend. At first he was in denial about his feelings until she confessed to him at the small break for the skaters. He was confused at first. Then before the competition starts, he kissed her in front of the press.

-Alya/Rena Rouge enters the stage. Alya of course is a well known coach. But she has a secret. She is the infamous Rena Rouge of the Ice. She hid that title and lived the life of Alya Cesaire. She knows Tikki because she was the mentor of her make up artist, Trixx. Then she met Marinette and they just hit it off the perfectly well. Her alias, Ladybug, was made by her. Marinette also knows about her past as Rena Rouge. She found out about it when Alya told her her first every competition. Marinette’s Panic Mode had eased and she was avle to perform well on ice. Then time skip to when alya finds out she’s best buds with Nino Lahiffe, Alya freaked. She wasnt flustered around him but she acted more guarded and her tenacity level doubled. Then she found out why she was like that, its because she likes him. And the whole break she asked Marinette for help on trying to confess. All day was a failed attempts on romantic moods. So when Marinette got lost and the two of them are being carried by the crowds, she shouted and admitted her feelings. Of course that left a flustered Nino. She assured him that its fine if she doesnt reciprocate her feelings and fine on staying as friends. Eventually they found Marinette with a guy and Alya told her of what happened once they got to their hotel room.

-Chloe/Queen Bee is still somehow the same. Chloe is a teammate of Adrien. She and Adrien are friends but nothing as great as his friendship with Nino. She is boastful but when being Queen Bee, she acts the complete opposite of Chloe. She created Queen Bee as the persona for dating her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, Nathaniel Kutzburg, is a judge on the boys free skate. At first she only dated him for Adrien’s sake. But alas she was captivated by his shy demeanor. Nathaniel was hurt when she admits that she first approached him because of Adrien, but when Chloe told him that it was the greatest idea she had he was confused. She explained further as to why it was thw best idea she ever had. It was because she met him. The real him. But itll be a scandal if word got out that a skater and a judge are dating. So they both created Queen Bee. Pollen helps them on their secret meet ups and her outfits. She’s basically like her big sister. Then Ladybug came and she didnt really felt threathened. But she acts like it as Chloe.

-I also like the idea of Chloe acting hostile to everyone because of her mother(canon verse) so i put it in this AU. Both she and Adrien are mother less. Chloe’s mother left them because she got tired of the skating world and wants to settle down, but her dad (her coach) wanted to keep the skating legacy his family have. So they filed a divorce when Chloe was young. As to Adrien, his mother is a Ballet Artist. But she had died due to a car crash with him. He survived because of her mother. His father of course is a famous figure skater and he met Adrien’s mother, Emilie, when he was a newbie. Gabriel once studied ballet for the sake of skating and Emilie just loves Ballet.

-Marinette’s parents are still bakers. Though her mother was a gymnast. She used to win olympic medals. She was friends with Emilie too. But she never heard any news about her since she got married to Gabriel Agreste. She met Tom at her trip in France. She did her usual running and stretching at a park when she noticed a cute bakery nearby. She went inside and found him covered in flour with a cute smile on his face. She fell in love at that moment. He did too. So they went on cute dates and such. They got married before Emilie got married with Gabriel. So Emilie was at their wedding.

Okay so thats all that i can think of for now but i might add a few ones some time in the future. And just a heads up, if you guys think some of these sounds familiar its because i used Yuri on Ice!! As some base plot and just tweaked it a bit. I havent seen any fics about the skating Au for Miraculous Ladybug so I have no idea if they’ve been made yet. Now as for the drawing…Im not a good artist and Im doing my absolute best to draw and make up for the not updating for Marichat May thing. Also I kinda imagined Ladybug weaeing simple clothing for skating because of course you woulndt want things to get in your way as u skate. Her ribbons arent supposed to be long but I messed up lol. Thanks for reading this!

[vitanes]

say it’s okay when it’s not

chapter 2: the waiting game

Lucas is going through an emotional turmoil, is forced to spend more time around Eliott and finally gets a reply from his blackmailer. In short, this week is exhausting.

(a/n: there’s a brief description of a panic attack and a fragment quoted from an article about a homophobic crime. the scene starts with “Lucas can’t sleep.”)

Lucas has stared at those pictures so much since Friday, he’s already memorised every single detail. It’s ingrained into his mind.

The first picture only shows glimpses of Lucas, hidden behind the person devouring him with his mouth. It’s too much, although nothing is fully in the open. There are two dudes making out, but everything seems blurry and covered. He could say that it’s only his look-alike. Unfortunately, in this case, with the second picture explicitly presenting Lucas in a compromising situation, the possibility of claiming it’s not him is non-existent. He wants to puke, thinking of the expression of pure bliss on his face when the guy was kissing his neck while his hand was groping Lucas’ ass.

It’s undeniably him. Anyone looking at it could say it’s him.

The worst part is that he has no idea what’s next. The person who sent those pictures has been keeping him on edge since fucking Friday. Almost three days. Besides sending messages, he tried calling them, but there was no answer. This thing is weighing down on him and he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about the matter. All the while this person must be having plenty of fun. Holding this over his head and knowing he’s completely helpless.

He can’t even tell anyone about it. He’s not ready to come out, he doesn’t want to do it. He holds his breath, thinking about how in this situation he might end up not having another choice; after all, they aren’t keeping those pictures for entertainment purposes only.

Lucas is so fucked.

He gets a notification. Initially, he hopes that the person has decided to stop torturing him with the radio silence. But no, of course not. If things are bad, they have to go fully to shit for him. Because lo and behold, Eliott has just been added to the group chat Lucas and the boys have had for God knows how long now.

A few seconds pass and the welcoming messages start flowing. Lucas groans and mutes the chat. That’s what he needs right now. More stress.

He tosses the phone to the side and presses the heels of his palms to his eyes, up until it hurts.

What is he supposed to do now? He needs to go to school tomorrow morning and unlike last week, he not only will have to bear spending time with the Invader, but also he won’t be able to stop fretting over those pictures and whoever took them.

He moves his hands off his face and blinks a couple of times. If he could, he’d just stay in his room forever. He wouldn’t have to face any of these problems and worry about what will be.

“Lucas!”

He snaps out of his daze and turns towards the door, which is still closed.

“What?”

“Manon is calling, do you want to come out?” Mika asks, his voice muffled from the other side, but audibly eager.

God, what a situationally ironic question.

“Yeah, I’m coming,” Lucas says, dragging himself out of his bed.

He comes to the living room, where Mika and Lisa are nestled on the couch, holding a phone between each other. Mika pats the place next to himself and Lucas joins them.

The moment his face comes into the view, he sees how much of a mess he is, but he chooses to ignore it in favour of greeting Manon.

“Hey, Lucas. Did they wake you up?” she asks, beaming at him. Lucas shakes his head.

“No, it’s okay,” he claims, hoping that Manon can’t see his distress.

“Is everything fine? How’s school?”

“Yeah, it’s good and–“

“Our Lucas here,” Mika throws his arm over Lucas’ shoulder, bringing him closer, “just doesn’t care about school.”

Lucas frowns at him.

“I do.” He tries to escape Mika’s embrace but gives up after two tries. The guy is persistent.

“He literally got a concussion the first day he came back to school after being sick for a week.”

“It was PE,” Lucas mumbles like it explained everything.

“Of course it was.” Mika winks at him as if they shared a secret. Lucas sighs in exasperation.

“How’s London?” he asks Manon instead, letting her take the lead in the conversation.

He’s sick of things regarding him. He needs something distracting and there’s nothing better to relax one’s mind than listening to someone talking about British museums.

 ***

 It’s Monday and there’s still no answer on his phone. It’s Monday and he’s yet again on the schoolyard before the first bell rings. It’s Monday and Eliott is back.

This time, Lucas doesn’t have half the mind to be petty or rude. He distanced himself from the conversation that’s going on between his friends and Eliott, but unlike last time, he just doesn’t feel like engaging in anything with anyone altogether. He’s not even trying to pay attention to their words, looking around at other people instead.

He’s detached and there’s a lump in his throat each time someone as much as glances at him. He tries to decipher whether any of that has some meaning. Whether the person who’s just passed by him knows his deepest secret and is currently laughing at him.

There’s that tension in his muscles every time someone’s eyes land on him for a second too long and his brain is convinced it’s them. The rational part of him tells him that it can’t be every single person, though. That he can’t let his fears get the best of him because soon enough he’ll start suspecting his friends as well.

He’s this close to running the fuck away.

But what if this person’s plan is to come up to him? To humiliate him in real life, in front of everyone? He needs to stay aware of his surroundings.

Lucas checks his phone again, but other than some Bible verses from his mom, his inbox is completely empty. He inhales sharply, his eyes glued to the screen. Another minute passes.

And then another one and before he knows it, someone is shaking his shoulder.

He snaps his head up, ready to face the blackmailer.

He deflates upon seeing it’s the boys, all of them looking at him in worry, even Eliott for some reason. Arthur’s hand is gently rubbing over his shoulder.

“Hey, man. Everything okay? You look very out of it,” Arthur says, his tone cautious.

Seeing how all of them are looking at him like he’s a spooked animal, something tells Lucas he really isn’t hiding things that well.

He gulps and in panic, his eyes move over to Yann.

“It’s family stuff,” Lucas blurts out and Yann nods in understanding.

“What about your family?” Basile asks, apparently not getting the memo to drop it.

“Let’s go,” Yann says, jerking his head towards the entrance. His eyes don’t leave Lucas’ face for a second. He’s grateful for Yann being considerate, but also he’s got a feeling Yann isn’t completely convinced.

Well, can you blame him.

They get going, Lucas falling slightly behind. They walk into the building.

He can feel his friends glancing towards him, but he doesn’t acknowledge it in any way. If he doesn’t make a fuss, they will forget about it. Lucas just needs to remain composed and next time work on schooling his expression. He knows they aren’t going to push him if he doesn’t want to talk. So he has to pretend everything is perfectly fine. He can do it.

He almost falls onto his face, but something stops him. Or rather someone, if fingers clutching gently on his biceps are an indication. Lucas looks up and to his utter surprise, it’s Eliott. Not too far away, the boys have stopped walking and are turning towards the scene.

In a moment of fear, Lucas brushes Eliott’s hands off himself. As if he was burned. With how quickly he moves away, he nearly trips over his own feet again.

Eliott’s arms are still extended in front of him, sadly hanging in the air, but soon enough he must realise what’s happened because he tucks his hands into his pockets and looks away from Lucas.

“Next time watch your steps,” he says quietly.

Right after that, he leaves. Lucas’ eyes follow his back up until the moment he disappears around the corner, his steps hurried and shoulders hunched.

“The dude saved your life and you’re still an asshole,” Basile comments close to Lucas’ ear and it’s then that he realises the boys have come closer.

“I’ll have to apologize for your behaviour again,” Arthur whines, propping his elbow up on Lucas’ shoulder and leaning against him.

“You don’t have to,” he mutters under his breath and hears a snort.

“Yeah, no, I do. I want him to stay around,” Arthur retorts and ruffles Lucas’ hair.

God, they are so far up Eliott’s ass they’ll be able to see the light coming in from the other side sooner than later.

“Whatever,” Lucas says, swatting Arthur’s hand away.

 ***

 Lucas can’t sleep. Of course, he can’t. He keeps tossing and turning around but to no avail. His mind just can’t keep calm. He feels way too awake at 3 a.m. in the morning.

Reaching out for his phone and unlocking it in the dark might as well be a testament to yet another sleepless night. What else is he supposed to do, though? He needs some kind of distraction. And if it goes fine, he may as well fall asleep while watching something online.

He searches for a relaxing compilation on YouTube and lets his brain turn off.

Around fifteen minutes pass, but there’s something gnawing at him and he isn’t able to stay still. He changes his position a few times, his legs are bouncing and he’s fidgety. He’s staring off into the distance instead of focusing on whatever is displayed on the screen. His heart is beating fast all of sudden, his stomach in knots.

Lucas inhales sharply and exits the YouTube app. He opens the browser and quickly types in homophobic attacks in France in 2018, then hits enter. He hesitates a moment before opening the first link. There are pictures and a description of the crime. Lucas gulps, his eyes skimming over the article. His palms are sweaty.

He goes to another website talking about homophobic accidents. He reads and reads, and reads, his brain becoming number with each word. Violence and hate are astounding. There’s a piece about a gay couple being assaulted, a transgender woman who was murdered and much more. So many names next to the information of what was done to them.

–they hit me in the face, all over the body, everywhere – at one point, my head hit the rear window like a bullet […] I thought I was going to die–

The letters become blurry, the screen keeps shaking and his breaths become shallow. Before he knows it there are tears streaming down his cheeks. Relentlessly. The only thing he can hear is the loud beating of his heart.

He’s gasping for air, he’s drowning.

Lucas loses the grip on his phone and it falls down between the sheets. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe. He holds his head between his palms, tries to block out the aggressive pounding even though it’s impossible. It only grows in sound.

He’s choking and he’s trembling. He can’t see, he can’t speak, only whimper. He’s lost all of the control over himself.

…

Then;

There are arms around him and lips pressed to his temple. There are whispers and hands rubbing over his tensed muscles. Grounding presence and the counting of breaths. Tight embrace and soon enough, a glass of water. His drenched hair pushed back from his forehead and Mika’s concerned eyes.

It comes with great effort, but eventually, Lucas is aware of his surroundings and he coughs. He blinks a couple of times, trying to inhale and exhale without sobbing. He realises his grip around Mika’s middle may be too tight and he loosens it. His body keeps shaking.

He slightly withdraws from Mika, not far enough to lose the body contact, but so he can properly see his face.

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” Lucas rasps out and the tears well up in his eyes again. He tries to hold them in and he sniffs.

“It’s okay, kitten. I’m here,” Mika says as he squeezes Lucas’ shoulder. “Want to tell me what caused this?” he asks, his tone gentle.

Lucas’ chin wobbles and he bites down on his lower lip, unable to utter any more words. He shakes his head and buries it in Mika’s chest, his breathing becoming ragged once again. Mika coos at him and brings him closer, starting to rock them back and forth. Letting Lucas cry his heart out.

It’s the first time he’s consoled like that and briefly, Lucas thinks it’s nice. Not having to suffer alone.

 ***

 Exhausted. Lucas is utterly exhausted after last night, but he tries not to think about it. There are other pressing matters at the moment. Or so he tells himself.

Although Eliott hasn’t shown up in the morning, he’s still arrived at their table during lunch. And seeing how unbothered he seems to be, Lucas figures out that Arthur really has apologized to him. As if there was anything to say sorry for in the first place. Ugh, that makes Lucas quite irritated.

He’s sitting next Yann and Basile, all the while Arthur and Eliott are on the other side of the table. Everyone’s eating from their plates, Basile being the only one trying to make a conversation. But when isn’t he, to be honest?

Lucas isn’t very focused on what’s going on, his fork mindlessly moving the food left on his plate around. There’s laughter coming from the boys when Basile says something stupid. Lucas’ reactions are half-hearted at best, though, his mind too far away at the moment.

He’s developed a new hobby. Thinking of all the possible scenarios if the pictures get leaked. He’s already come up with his friends rejecting him, the school kicking him out and people picking on him in various levels of horrible. It’s fun, everyone should try it. Headache, anxiety, and the feeling of complete defeat guaranteed.

He gulps. God, his breath is unsteady at the mere prospect of someone hurting him for who he is. He knows it happens. He hasn’t stayed up late reading all those articles and freaked out for nothing. People hate anyone who’s like him. So many would want him dead.

He’s terrified. He doesn’t want the truth to come out. Lucas hasn’t even accepted himself. He can’t use the word for himself, let alone have someone use it while describing him. He isn’t ready for the world to find out.

He wants to stay in the closet, where everything is safe and no one wants to kill him. He can’t be brave like Mika. He isn’t able to imagine himself embracing that part of himself. For God’s sake, he only kisses boys when he’s wasted enough not to remember anything the next day.

This situation is so hopeless. He can only stress over it. Lucas feels like he’d literally do anything for these pictures to disappear forever. He can play straight for the rest of his life if it meant that no one would find out. He’s fucking desperate at this point and he doesn’t know how long he’ll withstand being kept in the dark. It’s been only a few days and he hasn’t been able to think about anything else but this.

Lucas pushes his plate away and buries his face in his elbows. He hates himself. He should have just gone and made out with a girl. He was so high he wouldn’t have minded it at the time anyway and he wouldn’t be in such messed up situation now. Just his fucking luck.

He wants to turn his thoughts off, get some fucking sleep. Turn back time and never leave that damn house to make out with someone. A nameless stranger is about to ruin his life. What’s even funnier is that the guy will be untouched since the only thing one can see of him is his back. It’s Lucas’ face on full display. It’s Lucas who’s going to pay.

Someone kicks him under the table and Lucas sluggishly raises his head. He blinks slowly, his hand going up to his hair to push it away from his forehead.

“Earth to Lucas.” Arthur waves a hand in front of his face. “You’re like a zombie.”

“Yeah, man. Are you alright?” Basile asks.

Lucas clears his throat and sits straighter. “I haven’t slept well tonight.” Well, that’s the truth. He’s been too focused on making himself feel miserable and then he couldn’t fall asleep for a few hours, his mind running a million miles a minute.

His eyes meet Eliott’s across the table and for a moment it feels like Eliott sees right through him. It’s unnerving and Lucas quickly looks away, not being able to handle the intensity.

“Anyways, you guys will never believe what I found yesterday while browsing the web,” Arthur says, his tone cheeky.

Lucas yawns and props his head up on his palm. He feels so drained.

“What is it?” Yann asks in the same moment Lucas’ phone vibrates.

His pulse speeds up, but once he sees it’s just Mika reminding him about rent, he groans under his breath. He checks the folder with the messages from the blackmailer, though, just in case he’s missed something. He isn’t even surprised when he’s met with his own pathetic replies staring back at him.

Then he hears a sound and perks up. It’s Eliott’s voice, but it’s not coming from Eliott. Lucas looks around and sees Yann and Basile watching something on Arthur’s phone. He glances at the screen just in time to see Eliott in the video smiling at something he says before the sequence changes to some animation. Lucas' eyes involuntarily move towards the real Eliott.

He seems flustered, his skin flushed. And maybe nervous from the looks of it. He’s brought his hands up to his face and his fingers are moving over his lips, all the while he’s watching the boys’ reaction to the video. There’s a slight tremble in his palms. Lucas frowns. Should it make him this worked up? Why does he care about their opinion as much?

Lucas’ brain supplies a why do you care about other people’s opinion as much? Ugh, never mind.  

Eliott looks over to Lucas again and something in his expression changes. It’s not as intense as it was the first time their eyes locked, but it’s not as anxious as it was seconds ago. Maybe a bit sad, but it doesn’t annoy Lucas like any other time. For that brief moment, Lucas is more curious in regards to Eliott than he is hostile. And his mind gets devoid of any thoughts that have been torturing him all the time lately.

Lucas just focuses on holding eye contact with Eliott. Eliott doesn’t shy away from staring either. And the best thing? No one notices. It brings Lucas’ mind peace and for those couple seconds it lasts, the whole world along with its problems seems to disappear.

The noise comes back the moment Eliott turns towards the boys and Lucas registers them saying words of praises. Maybe he should know what exactly they were watching if whatever they say makes Eliott turn into an abashed mess.

But Lucas just keeps looking, hoping that Eliott will look back. He doesn’t, though, engaging in the conversation.

“Thank you, but it’s not that big of a deal,” Eliott mumbles, his lips stretched into a smile.

“It must be a big deal to you if you wanted to make a short film about it,” Yann says.

“Exactly, don’t water it down,” Basile says.

Eliott shrugs, his eyes dropping to his plate. “It’s never been fully funded, so.”

“That’s a shame, I’d love to watch it,” Arthur adds in a resigned voice.

Eliott shrugs again, his fingers reaching out to play with some stray fries scattered over his plate.

In the end, they all move to another topic, but for the remaining time they are there, Lucas keeps glancing towards Eliott in hopes to get a look back. Not even once do Eliott’s eyes find his.

Lucas hates him even more now. He hates Eliott for allowing him to have a moment of peace and then depriving him of it altogether.

 ***

 “What answer have you chosen in the fourth?” Lucas asks Imane, staring down at his own sheet. She brings her paper closer to him and he frowns. “No, it can’t be.” He looks up at her, his eyebrows drawn together.

She looks unimpressed. “Yes it can,” she claims, convinced.

“It doesn’t even make sense,” he retorts, looking at the exercise again and trying to work out the answer for himself. He hears Imane sigh in annoyance.

“If you don’t believe me, why do you bother asking?” she mutters under her breath, pulling the paper away.

Lucas hums, squinting at the words before him. The answer cannot be whatever Imane has settled on. If only–

His phone buzzes and his whole train of thought stops altogether. He sits straighter and reaches out for the device. He unlocks it and his eyes fall on the new notification. It’s from that taunting number. He’s never clicked on a text message as quickly as he does now.

“Find the answer?” Imane teases, but her voice fades away. He doesn’t register anything around him.

I figured out what I want from you. Send me 50€ every week and I won’t leak the pictures. If you agree I’ll give you more info.

Money. They want money from him. Something he really fucking lacks. But fuck, he can do it, right? If he saves on food, he can manage to have 50 euros each week. Maybe he’ll look for a job. It’s better than nothing. Better than having the pictures released.

He stays staring at the message, up until his screen isn’t lit up anymore, his mind too far away from where he’s now. Trying to come up with how he’s supposed to deal with the situation.

“Lucas, can we go through this?”

He turns towards Imane, confused before he remembers and nods. There’s a weird expression on Imane’s face, but Lucas doesn’t have time to think about it.

He can finally see his future not being as fucked up. Now, he just needs to get money from somewhere. It’s a lot to give away each week, but he will manage.

“Is everything okay?” Imane asks when Lucas doesn’t do anything.

He nods repeatedly and clears his throat. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s get down to it.”

She agrees, but her eyes stray on Lucas a minute too long, searching. He smiles at her and starts scribbling down some nonsense on the paper, hoping he isn’t acting too suspicious.

 ***

 He’s had some time to think things through.

He’s agreed to the deal, has gotten the link to the person’s PayPal  and already made the first transfer. It doesn’t sit well with him, especially when he realises how little money he’s had to begin with, but what has to be done, has to be done. He doesn’t see any other resolution to this problem. He’s not about to let the person leak the pictures for the whole world to see. That is simply not an option for him. And transferring money, even if dangerous for his bank account, seems plausible to a certain degree. After all, he could have been asked to do something mortifying. Maybe in another universe he wouldn’t mind the truth coming out, hell, maybe he’d be out and proud so the blackmailer wouldn’t have any power over him. But in this reality, Lucas is scared and determined to stop things from escalating.

Lucas doesn’t think about how long this may go for. It’s bad as it is, torturing himself with this will only bring him more distress. Which he’s overflowing with anyway.

He’s lying on the couch in the living room. He puts his earphones in, presses play and finally gets some relax. He breathes out and it’s almost as if all the tension that has been building inside of him for the past week or so, has just left his body at once. He closes his eyes and lets the music take his mind somewhere else.

Lucas thinks about how only a couple of weeks ago everything was remotely fine. His only concerns back then were his parents and how he was going to manage on his own. It was still a lot for a sixteen-year-old, yeah, but it wasn’t impossible to face. On top of that, he had his group of friends that let him forget about everyday struggles and be a normal teen. Now, he also has to worry about some guy stealing his closest people from him. Which, he’s aware is childish to say. No one can steal people because they aren’t his property. Lucas also knows they can have more friends, it’s not like they’ve forgotten about him. But there’s just something not clicking about Eliott for him. Each time he’s around him, he feels weird in an inexplicable way. He doesn’t get how he’s the only one to notice something is off.

Maybe he’s overthinking and letting his insecurities fuck with his head. All he knows is that with everything going down with the pictures, Eliott appearing out of nowhere wasn’t needed. He only makes things worse, more stressful. Lucas feels uneasy around him, nervous and if it depended on him, he wouldn’t spend more time around him than necessary. The way the other guys have accepted Eliott in an instant and act like usual, while Lucas can’t bring himself to be comfortable is messed up. He doesn’t know what to do, but for the time being, he’ll have to let it go. If he doesn’t want to lose his friends, he’ll have to swallow his pride and act at least civil towards Eliott. He can do it. He’s got other, more serious things to stress about anyway. Lucas will keep observing Eliott, though, just in case.

He sighs deeply and blinks his eyes open. He looks over to Lisa sitting on an armchair, watching something on her laptop and munching on crisps. She looks unbothered and Lucas knows it’s not completely true, that she has her own shit to deal with, but he wishes he could put on a façade the same way she does and push forward. It’s unfair to think like that, it’s like he said his problems were worse and more serious than hers. Which is not the point, he has to remind himself. He just wants to be stronger on the outside. Like Elsa sang, conceal don’t feel, don’t let it show and that jazz.

He moves his eyes towards Mika, cuddled up in the remaining space on the couch and busying himself with his phone. Lucas feet are tucked under his thigh and Mika doesn’t seem to mind. They haven’t talked much since Lucas’ freak out a couple of nights ago and they definitely haven’t mentioned this incident, but Mika has been quietly attentive towards him. Often offering comforting touches without asking questions. Lucas appreciates it.

At the very beginning, he was scared he wouldn’t fit in and that Mika and Lisa wouldn’t want him there, but he’s happy to know that he’s welcomed in the flat and can count on them. It makes him feel less alone, in a way.

His phone buzzes and he checks what it is now.

 Arthur: feel like pure shit just want her(Eliott’s short film) back

Basile: ugh I Know

Arthur: I’m never getting over this

Eliott: it’s nothing special really

 Lucas frowns at the messages. He’s the only one out of them who hasn’t watched that thing. He was too busy having a staring contest with Eliott and not enough fucks to give. But he’s also curious. That’s what he tells himself when he searches for the site. He wants to see if the guys are only making a big deal out of it for nothing and Eliott is right, or if he’s just fake humble.

He eventually finds the website and stops his music to play the video. He watches Eliott explaining the concept. Seeing him talk, already feels familiar. They haven’t even spent that much time together, ugh. This guy and his ways of getting under people’s skin.

For some reason, he smiles when Eliott does so and immediately scowls at himself for that. The plot seems interesting, he has to admit that and the animation sequence is really pretty. But what gets him the most is eagerness in Eliott’s eyes when he summarises the story. Lucas gets invested and for a moment, he feels kinship with the guys. Being upset over the fact Eliott has never raised the amount of money needed to realise the project.

He shakes his head at that and exits the website. Lucas can’t let himself be sympathetic towards the guy, that would go against everything he’s felt ever since he’s met him. It wouldn’t be like him at all.

Lucas needs to get a grip.