#unless every psychiatrist diagnosing a kid takes their time to sit down with their parents and make it clear what the diagnosis means...

[taibhsearachd]

You literally had to go to my blog, from all of the reblogs, to cut out my clarification that it doesn't matter what your actual sex or gender is, perception is everything. You literally went out of your way to get my original post without any clarification, and you couldn't even say your disagreement with your chest, you put it in some tags. I'm absolutely talking about inattentive vs hyperactive ADHD, I'm just not using the actual terms because these were not terms that existed when I was growing up and, frankly, not terms that a lot of parents will pay attention to. I'm fully aware of the types of ADHD. My concern is about the parents of children who are diagnosed with ADHD, who hear that their kids have ADHD and will look at their (often female) kid and go "well they're not hyperactive, that's not possible".

IT DOES NOT MATTER AT THAT POINT THAT THE HYPERACTIVE PART IS REFERRING TO WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR HEAD. The adult caretaker has already assumed it means "physically hyperactive, disruptive, etc" and often will not hear anything otherwise. My wife was diagnosed as ADHD as a kid, and their parents refused to acknowledge it and hid it from them because my wife did not behave in a way that was perceived as hyperactive, they only found out they'd been diagnosed years later by digging in their parents' files. And when they brought it up (still a minor) , their parents told them they couldn't be ADHD because they didn't behave the way their sister (a classically hyperactive person) did.

My dude I know plenty about ADHD, I'm a full grown adult who's been autistic and ADHD my whole goddamn life, I'm specifically talking about the way both AMAB and AFAB kids with ADHD are perceived in school and the way they're treated differently over time. I never said it was comprehensive or absolute (which you'll note if you hadn't gone back to my OP to reblog me instead of the reblog chain from which you absolutely found this post), I never said it was an inherent thing, but there's no denying that currently in the US, girls tend to have inattentive type ADHD, boys tend to have hyperactive type ADHD, hyperactive type is more recognized and so it's harder for girls to be accepted as having ADHD at all.

...ngl, the fact that ADD and ADHD got condensed into ADHD when the hyperactivity specifically is part of the reason so many girls were simply not diagnosed drives me up the wall.

It's not that the whole name isn't bullshit, because it is. It describes the way people outside of our experience perceive us, as opposed to the difficulties that are part of our lived experience. Even from an outside standpoint, it's recognizable that "deficit" is not always the issue with our attention... but that's beside the point.

When psychiatrists noticed that ADD and ADHD were basically the same thing... they chose to favor the typical male presentation in the literal naming of the condition, and in doing so condemned a generation of girls (and other afab people) to suffer through being told they're so smart, they just don't apply themselves enough, that it's a personal failing they can't regularly turn in homework, that they're lazy for waiting until the last minute to work on an assignment... because those girls weren't hyperactive. Those girls just kind of drifted off and daydreamed in classes. Those girls doodled or wrote stories all through their school years, and functioned measurably worse when a teacher noticed they were doing that and tried to stop them. Those girls are now so many of my adult friends who are now being diagnosed with ADHD as adults, because the hyperactive part of the diagnosis almost solely applies to children (CHILDREN, when, I might note, this is a lifelong condition) who are socialized male.

We need a whole other name for the condition, because attention deficit is not our problem at all. But my god, the hyperactivity part actually ruined my life for so many years, because I had no way to explain to my dad why it physically hurt me to be bored, why I had to read or write or doodle in class in order to keep my focus, why I excelled in tests but failed at homework so my grades sucked because of that. No one even considered I might have ADHD, all through my childhood, but earlier this year I had the opportunity to go through all my grade school reports, and they could not be MORE CLEARLY talking about a child with ADHD. "Pleasure to have in class", "assignments not complete", "does not pay attention in class", "Birdie is a highly intelligent child with specific and unique needs" (I would LOVE more follow-up on that one, from third grade, do not have it). But I was a quiet and reserved child, so obviously I couldn't have ADHD.

I'm legitimately angry about it in retrospect. I went off my Adderall for a couple months recently, as an adult who only started taking Adderall as an adult, and it completely fucked up my ability to function. For years I was just out there as a teenager struggling through high school and college entirely unmedicated because as a child I was too withdrawn to be diagnosed. Fucking wild and also infuriating.

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #175

“imagine living like a king someday, a single night without a ghost in the walls.”

Have you ever had a teacher hit on you? Not to my recollection. Have you ever seen your ex’s new partner? If so, what do you think of them? I don't know or care if he currently has one. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months? Done it twice now, it's not difficult if you're picky and serious with who you date. Does anybody know about your sex life other than your partners? Well my mom was somewhat aware of things that were happening. What was the last piece of candy you ate? Good question. I got my tongue re-pierced because of a bar length issue with swelling, and now this one is just shy of long enough to disable me from biting down entirely (they're snake eyes, so across the tip). I'm only just getting back into eating soft things very slowly unless I want pain, so candy's a no. I have to wait no less than three weeks to get a correctly-sized bar, and it's only been just over one aaaahhh. Have you ever been dared to do something you totally regretted? No. Is your room painted or wallpapered? Painted. What is the best kind of pizza in your opinion? I'm an American I stan them meat lovers. Is there something that someone has done to you that you cannot forgive? No. Well actually idk, I still don't know for *sure* if I forgive him. Like I'm completely over it and it no longer affects me, but I could never ever ever ever look at him even remotely the same or even consider trusting him. I don't think that's supposed to happen when you forgive someone. Have you ever broken a plate/bowl? Accidentally by dropping. What is your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden. Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you? I don't think so. Do you know anyone who has a homosexual parent? No. What type of music could this world live without? Pure screamo (no, not as a carpet term for metal). Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Who’s the last person you cried over? Does myself count? Did the house you grew up in have a fence? Yeah, but not all around. What’s your YouTube channel name? 0zzkat. Who of your FB friends has the cutest toddler(s)? Uhhhh idk. Anastasia's baby girl is pretty cute, I guess. Did you decorate pumpkins this year? No. :/ They were totally gone the day we were gonna get one (the day before Halloween so no, we weren't that surprised lmao). What’s the craziest color you’d dye your hair? More like what color WOULDN'T I dye it? What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again? Shadow of the Colossus. I've beaten it around 30 times. Would be more if I didn't lose the disc, buuut it's actually coming in the mail now! What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Don't show me that fucking Linkin Park "crawling in my crawl" worm video. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name? None come to mind. What’s your dearest souvenir? *shrugs* What was the last strong scent you smelled? Probably coffee bc of Mom. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? If so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? Long instance + same-sex simultaneously. Distance is fucking hard when you really want each other's company, especially for emotional support. Being same-sex makes me nervous due to potential violent homophobics, especiiiiaaaally living where I do. I do it regardless, but even just holding hands leaves me worrying some asshole is going to cause a problem. I know my sister's husband isn't at all fond of it either and I'm 99% sure he's why Sara's never met the kids. But anyway, all those things are absolutely worth it. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? Absolutely not, because I strictly believe in the exclusiveness of love. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? Colleen, probably. We are just about the antitheses of each other, yet we were "best friends." We disagreed too frequently, she was drama-ravenous, we kept leaving and coming back, etc. No, we don't talk now, and I refuse to ever do so again as friends. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? No. I absolutely do not believe in "making amends" with your abuser. Keep them the fuck out of your life. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? Toxic... you mean Colleen? Did it too many times, and no, she didn't. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? Part of me says no, another says yes. I guess it depends on the subject. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? Being socially awkward as all hell, and yes. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? I was playing Spyro just earlier today lmao. In almost all cases, no. I do believe that something like a full-grown adult playing pretend with dolls or something may be questionable, but even then there's not a real reason I can give you. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? Something PTSD-related, but I can't remember exactly what it was, I guess because I got past it pretty quickly. There are certain songs I should avoid, I canNOT look at the medicine I ODed on, I don't like seeing or being near large knives at all... If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? All of them, yeah. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? I feel that too many people working in the field care far more about the pay than the people. I can't guarantee a professional truly cared about what I was dealing with until Holly Hill. I've had one particularly horrible psychiatrist that threw diagnoses and pills around like they were nothing (the most ridiculous being ADHD, which I in no way exhibited), and a long-time therapist I had was pretty bad, something I realized only after I started with my current one. She was strict about that "you've got an hour, you're staying an hour, you're leaving no later" shit, and we always ran out of things to talk about so I'd just be sitting there super uncomfortably and numerous times start crying because I felt so awkward, and she'd just take it as a sign that I wasn't telling her something. She drove "and how does that make you feel" and "what're you thinking of" into the goddamn ground. Yeesh, having been a mental health patient for so long, I could really write a novel here. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? Hm, idk. I'm so uninvolved with others that that's a hard question to answer. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? HAVING THE BOTTOMS OF YOUR PANTS GET WET. I hate chapped lips, too. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal. Have you ever ridden a motorcycle? No. Are you ticklish? YEAH. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol? No. If you were to join one of the armed forces, which would it be? I wouldn’t. Have you ever been in a submarine? No. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Only hot tubs. Do you believe there used to be dragons? No. What was your first alcoholic drink? A Mike's hard lemonade. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? Idk, I was a baby. What was your first detention for? Too many tardies. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid? No. Have you ever been on radio? No. How long has your longest ever phone call been? A few hours. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Ummm I guess some kind of chicken is common? When was the last time you felt unable or unwilling to speak your mind to someone? Idk. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Uhhhh how am I blanking, I change my mind on things every five minutes. Who was the last friend you saw, and what did you do together? Sara's both my girlfriend but also the only "friend" I ever hang with now even tho we live several states apart lmao. I was there two weeks, so we did an array of stuff. Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Hell, I barely ever remember my dreams. Jason still shows up maybe ehhhh around or maybe less than once a month, and I have no clue why other than maybe there's some PTSD effects I don't actually detect or something? It's not like I think about him much, so I really don't see why he shows up, but the theme is constant: awkwardness seeing each other again, and he sometimes tries to get back with me (thank FUCKING GOD even in my dreams, I don't). Sara's in some dreams that I remember. Mom, maybe. What is something you wish you could say to someone who is no longer in your life, or something you wish they could know? Nothing. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? I'll usually turn to YouTube for a distraction. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? Probably Bite Me by idr-who. I actually don't remember. What was the last thing you broke? How about fixed? Another sensor came off the keyboard. :') I dunno about fixed. Is there a sign or symbol that means a lot to you for whatever reason (eg. seeing certain animals or birds, 11:11 or other repeating numbers, syncs, butterflies, hearts in nature, etc)? Butterflies and semicolons. Hence my semicolon butterfly tattoo. Do you have any personal ghost stories or paranormal experiences? Yeah. What do you get complimented on the most? My hair. What is something unusual that you find attractive? why does?????? everyone hate fedoras tbh?????????? What time do you tend to eat your first meal of the day? And your last? BOY this varies so much like fuck. Sometimes I don't eat breakfast at all, sometimes I do right when I get outta bed. Dinner can be at like almost 10:00 with Mom's schedule, or I may have it like five hours earlier. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I'm getting into a horror LPer and I'm binging her Silent Hill playthroughs. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? I like pink but bloody guts and brains are cool 2. What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? N/A What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video/computer games. Have you ever been close to drowning? No. Do you watch any Japanese anime? Not currently, but I've kinda had the urge to pick an interesting one up? Do you have someone who is protective of you (father, brother, etc.)? Mom and Sara above anyone else. Where was the last place you went, that you hadn’t been to before? Uhhhhh good question. I don't exactly go to new places often. Do you have any bad habits you aren’t working on changing? If so, do you ever think you’ll try to break them? I don't believe so off the top of my head? Then again I think everyone has little bad habits they don't try to improve upon, but I can't think of anything serious. When was the last time someone surprised you with their reaction or behaviors? I'm sure something with Mom, but idk what. Are you good at committing to things like Nanowrimo or Inktober? Nope. What is your preferred method of expressing yourself? Writing. Or drawing if I'm in the mood. Have you ever reached out to a crisis center for mental health support? If so, how was the experience? I tried to reach the suicide hotline via their online one-on-one chatroom because I was too afraid to actually call, but I ended up waiting I think 45 minutes before the OD happened. When was the last time you did something you were afraid to do, and how was the outcome? I drove at night and ordered food at a drive-thru myself. It went well. What is one positive thing you believe about yourself? I have a strong sense of right and wrong. What is something you have been through that has made you stronger? Depression as a whole. Other than money, what is something you wish you had more of in your life? Social life, success, and motivation to name a few. Is there anything that you tend to ignore for the sake of your sanity? Sure. Mental health stuff flares up sometimes if I think about some things too deeply. What was the last thing you argued or debated about? Did you eventually agree, or did you have to agree to disagree? Getting rid of Bentley, and neither, really. Mom knows we shouldn't have him for a world of reasons, yet she refuses to try to find a far more suitable home for him or at least talk to Nicole about it (he's her dog, but she doesn't live here), who's never even paid him almost any attention. I could rant about this for hours. What is something you wish was different about your family? THAT WE WERE CLOSER. What is your main struggle or focus in life right now? Getting out of the house/becoming more of a functioning adult. Are you more dramatic or stoic? I'm neither extreme, really, but I'd say I'm much further from stoic. Are you on medication for anything? If so, do you feel like it helps? Have you ever been afraid to take medication or had a particularly bad experience with it? A lot, but the only ones I feel don't work are the ones for my tremors and knees. I was on one med for a while that I was scared to take because it made me vomit (safe to say I wasn't on it long), and even my life-saver med made me sick at first, but I took prescription nausea pills to ride that out as my body adjusted. Do you prefer having long or short nails? Short, but not too short. When was the last time you had an argument with one of your parents? Idr. Do you tend to eat the same few things all the time or do you vary your intake? Would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? Are there any commonly enjoyed foods that you don’t like? I'm picky and definitely have a limited palate. Some foods I can think of for the last question include fried chicken, BBQ, watermelon, tacos, all cheeses but American, aaaand I'm blanking again in an area I should have a book about. Do you have good body image? Do you feel more confident about your body or your personality? What is one thing about yourself about which you do feel particularly confident? Ha, as if, so personality. I like how open-minded I am. How likely are you to compliment other people? How do you react or respond when you receive a compliment? What are your favorite types to receive? It depends on the person, the atmosphere, and my anxiety level. I sometimes fear complimenting people because I don't want someone to be like "um why is she talking to me?"/"is she flirting with me?"/"why did she notice that?", etc. I become so giddy (at the very least internally) when people compliment me because of how my self-esteem is, and I really appreciate them. The compliments that mean most to me are regarding my photography. With how badly I want to be a successful photographer, people seeming to genuinely like what I do has actually made me smile like an idiot and giggle publicly. It just means a lot to me. Describe the last thing you reblogged? How many posts do you tend to reblog during a day? A clip of Mark having a fit over a dog in RDR2. How much I reblog varies greatly; depends on how much I get on Tumblr that day, what I feel like sharing at that moment, what I queue... Have you ever lost your cool at work or somewhere else important? What happened as a result? No. Do you listen to your friends’ advice when they give it to you? Depends. If it's Sara, I usually do. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? Vegetable. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It is pierced. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? I don't recall. Did you ever have a favorite teacher in high school? What made them your favorite? Coach Collie. He was very friendly, wise, his sense of humor was great, he cared deeply for his students, was super chill, shared life advice all the time, etc. etc. Can you think of a time when you were really obviously judged by your appearance? What happened? Not that I recall. What’s something your mother told you growing up that you actually listened to? Mind your manners. What are three emotions you experience regularly? Stress, content, but also discontent. What is your favorite Halloween candy? Reese's. Is there anyone who refuses to communicate with you? *shrugs* What was the last lengthy packet you filled out? Something for vocational rehab. Is there something you still can’t do even though you’re an adult or might be expected to do this thing? I don't have a job or drive. When was the last time you congratulated someone? Were you happy for them, indifferent, jealous? When I found out one of my closest high school friends is pregnant. I was obviously happy for her. What would you say is your STRONGEST emotion? Maybe not the most frequent, but the most intense? And what emotion do you feel most weakly, even if you might feel it more often? Anger; envy (but it's not often). Have you ever gone somewhere in your pajamas? What makes this acceptable or unacceptable to you? Plenty times, but it depends on my level of shits given and the location. Honestly wish pjs were more acceptable in public places cuz like why not, you've got clothes on, just don't go around where everyone can totally see your dick, ass, or tits. Other than the usual things like IDs, etc, what do you always carry with you when you go out? My phone. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? LOTS!!!! I particularly love fantasy-styled portraiture or macabre work, and omg give me soft lighting. I'm a sucker for emotive or conceptual portraits and the like. I like to photograph an array of things, but my faves are nature and animals. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Nope. Busiest shopping day I indirectly experienced was when I worked at GameStop during the holiday season... nope. It's a small store and it was flooded. I hated it. Idk about one where I/my family was the shopper. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? No. No. No. NO. I can't stomach going any further back than '15 at the RP forum because fucking cringe. All old stuff like physical journals and such, they're long gone because I never want to see them again lmao. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Hmmm, probably video games were the first things I was *really* deep into. Recently developed... good question. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc? I'M FUCKING /CRANKY/ IF I'M HOT. Serious lack of sleep makes me moodier. What is one common area of life in which you feel you have little to no experience (college, children, marriage, etc)? Work and independence. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? HEAT. If it's hot to me, you're gonna know. I'll complain if my stomach especially hurts, sometimes with other pain. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? I don't cook, so. But I'd definitely be the latter. When was the last time you were mean or rude to someone else? How about the last time someone acted that way toward you? I hung up on this insurance agency or whatever they are that call me every other goddamn day. I dunno about the second question. What kinds of things are most likely to make you lose your temper? Have you ever done something regrettable or embarrassing while angry? I fucking dare you to ridicule the mentally ill in front of me. Goddamn dare you. For the second part, not to my recollection. Do you have a large dog? No, both our dogs are medium-sized. If not, are you afraid of them? Not at all. Do your parents know that/if you smoke? I don't. What is the reason you last received money? Mom borrowed some from me so she was paying me back. Is anyone in your family sick? Not to my knowledge. Are you very upfront about things or do you "beat around the bush"? The latter, typically. Do you ever write poetry just to get your feelings out? Not really anymore. Middle and high school? I was all about it. I wrote only one poem this year. How many bones have you broken? None. Whose house did you visit last? My sister Ashley's. Have you ever bought a fragrance by a celeb because you liked who it was? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. What’s your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia.

[imaginarycircus]

What it’s like to explain that you have ADD to a new psychiatrist...

(this is a long and messy to illustrate my point. you do not have to read this unless maybe you’re stuck in a peat bog waiting for someone to come rescue you. if you are one mobile? I am sorry.)

Because my psychiatrist suddenly quit his practice with no warning and the practice didn’t contact me--I’m scrambling to find new doctors. I have time to do it so it’s not a total disaster so far. But I hate having to break in new psych/medical people. I either feel like I am making stuff up and exaggerating OR I forget important things like, “I have a history of epilepsy and asthma. Did I tell you that? Ooops.”

My mental health and cognitive situation is weird and hard to explain. It just sounds ridiculous. I have inattentive type ADD, sensory processing disorder, some anxiety, and chronic depression. I have a history of ptsd stemming from childhood abuse. So that sounds like too much and I immediately want to distance myself from it and pretend I am totally normal. Look at me. I am a normal. I can totally process what you’re saying despite that weird humming sound of some electronic device or those overhead lights. No. I wasn’t just randomly making sounds or humming while trying to think. I totally did NOT just swap all the letters or syllables around in what you said or what I wrote to make new words and phrases. And I am not laughing at them at all because then I’d have to explain that I am giggling about words turning into other words and I’m sorry were we having a conversation?

If you’ve been hanging out here a while you’ve seen what happens in my tags. I’ve tried to explain before. That is literally what it is like in my brain all the time: Here’s three thoughts. You can finish two. The third will lead you on a meandering path and hopefully you won’t stumble into that fen and drown. Those peat bogs are deadly from what I hear. Now, if you’ll pardon me, I need to spend an hour reading about how to make it through a peat bog so I don’t drown.

lol do you think I am kidding?

So. To make a long story as long as I could possibly ever make it--I called the new psychiatrist and they want to interview me about my ADD. I am totally fine with that because ADD drugs are crazy and over prescribed... 

Sorry. I’m still reading about avoiding death in peat bogs...

No. Wait. I am making this tumblr post about my ADD. For fun I am also doing a cryptic crossword.

Without filtering very much in this post--this is what it is like for me. Though oddly I can sit down and do one thing for like 10 hours. I can read, or watch TV, or write, or think for hours and hours without moving. This is not good. Because I will not notice that I am cold, or if I am thirsty, or hungry, or in low level pain. I can sure read a lot or get a lot of writing done. But not in a particularly healthy way. You can’t write screenplays and novels if you die of dehydration half way through. Speaking of which. I need to drink this water, which I have had sitting next to me for three hours. Oh. Just realized. I forgot to take my meds. Which is why I put my pillbox on the arm of the couch next to me. Next to this glass of water. Several hours ago.

Today is a particularly all over the place day. Because my doctor quit and I ran out of adderall over a week ago. I now have some because my GP wrote me an Rx. I am going to take my very small dose and things will quiet down somewhat.

The thing I wanted to describe from the start is that I called the new psych office and spoke to them last week. We set up two appointments. And I knew I was getting confused when the lady was telling me dates and times and office suite numbers and jumping around. But I wrote it down and I thought, “No. It’s okay. You totally understood what she said.” So I didn’t clarify. And yesterday I knew I had an appointment today and I set up reminders because I live in fear of forgetting appointments or meetings of any kind.

My calendar today said: dr “smith” 29 002 12:30 PM

So here’s part of the problem. The woman told me to come 10-15 mins early to fill out paperwork. I don’t know if my appointment was at 12:45 and I noted show up at 12:30 or if my appointment was schedule for 12:30 and I was meant to show up by 12:15. So I showed up at 12:10. The problem? My appointment is next Monday.

And that notation? I know it looks odd. I wrote the street number, but not the street. (Which I know because I know the building.) I do things like that all the time and I don’t even notice.

What I’m nervous about is my whole history of being diagnosed with ADD. I don’t have paperwork from a previous doctor with a diagnosis. So they won’t prescribe meds for me without evaluating me. Which is fine and they should. But when I was 5, I made my first trip to a psychologist to be tested for various issues. The psychologist told my parents I was bright and very shy, but like whatever. And every year after that my teacher would be frustrated and send me for testing, insisting I must have a learning disability or something. I was never “working up to my potential.” The disparity between my test scores and my work was always extreme. And the testers always sent me right back saying, “Oh. She’s so smart. No problems.” And then my teachers were LIVID. If I was sooooo smart I must be lazy or willful or have some flaw in my moral character that made me bad at organizing and completing school work. This went on until I graduated high school.

After I graduated from college (which is a separate story) I had a therapist who kept saying she thought I had ADD. And I wanted to scream. I’d been tested for ADD like 18 times. And then I found out about being twice exceptional and I am still so angry about this. I am both gifted and learning disabled. And they fuck each other up and mask each other. So I either seem not as smart as I should be OR too smart to be learning disabled and completely inconsistent. If you have a headache from reading this--try living this way all the time. I mean, I’m used to it. I’m fine.

So now I have to take this whole MESSY history and dump it on a new doctor and hope they agree that I am not an adult seeking a very low dose of a controlled substance for nefarious reasons. I need it to make my brain settle down.

Oh. I was going to drink some water and take some meds. Ok. I did that. And you know what I was doing before I started making this post? I was half way through a cryptic crossword...

[suchawonderfullife]

2. My body is a Picasso

I’ve been incredibly fortunate in my journey to try some cutting-edge treatments in Australia, as well as having a very intelligent, compassionate and hard working CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) specialist on my side. A specialist like that doesn’t come cheap either (very little if anything is covered by medicare so you have to be prepared to be out of pocket by tens if not hundreds of thousands over the years). He’s been my Dr for 8 years and yes he couldn’t get me better, but he has helped me in so many ways. 

He was able to diagnose a multitude of problems within my body through tests regular doctors would not have access to. His understanding and knowledge of CFS and what it does to the body on a cellular level is extraordinary. For those who know who I am talking about, they would agree that he is a brilliant man, who I owe my life to. He got me into private psych hospitals when I was suicidal, he got me in to see him on spur of the moment appointments to treat flu’s and tonsillitis so that a GP didn’t mess me up even more, he diagnosed me with Lyme Disease. Most of what I know about my body and these illnesses are because of him. 

My first 2 years of being chronically ill consisted of spending tens of thousands of dollars on testing and trialling supplements and medications. I did a tonne of research and learnt about “pacing” and other things I could do on my own to help my body repair. I did everything I was supposed to and my health slowly built back up to 80%. I went back to work part-time, back to Uni, I could leave my house almost everyday and things were getting better. Having a diagnosis of CFS without Lyme Disease (because it doesn’t exist in Australia), meant that the cause of my CFS was not being treated and therefore just a ticking time bomb. Of course I didn’t know this and neither did my doctor. 

So when I relapsed HARD, it was a complete shock to my doctor and myself. My heart became so bad I couldn’t shower standing up anymore, I couldn’t lift my arms above my head to wash my own hair, sitting up for longer than 10 minutes at a time was impossible, talking or paying attention to someone speaking to me was exhausting, looking at my phone or a computer made me feel incredibly ill and I was lucky to sleep 2 hours a night. 

It was terrifying to be this ill and not no why. I ended up on 5 injections, 52 tablets, oxygen therapy for 4 hours and drinking litres of special liquids every day. Without all these I would have been far worse than mentioned, but I wasn’t getting any better. 

You wouldn’t believe some of the tests I’ve done. I’ve peed into a huge jug over a 24 hour period and carried it into a pathology (multiple times), I’ve had to poo into a container and scrape pieces of it out to go into special containers and sent that off, I had to pee in complete darkness into a special container covered in foil because if any light hit my urine it would destroy whatever needed to be tested. Boy was that something I’ll never forget. I had to do it in my bedroom as I had blinds to make my room pitch black. Due to how sick I was, I wasn’t well enough to “squat” and hold my own weight, so I needed my mum in there to help hold me and being a girl you can’t really get your pee flowing unless you’re at least squatting. And how do you aim your pee as a female when you’re in total darkness? I’ll leave that one to your imagination. Being in my bedroom and not at a toilet wasn’t triggering whatever part of my brain was needed to tell my bladder to let it out and I possibly had stage fright from having someone standing there waiting for me to “go”. So it took some time and both my mum and I were getting quite frustrated. Then there was the logistics of finding the toilet paper, wiping, putting it into a bag once I’d finished and hoping I didn’t get any on the floor- all in pitch-black darkness. The things parents do for their kids huh? 

For you folks who hate needles, I could have 10 viles taken at each appointment if needed, I have permanent needle marks on my arm where blood gets taken because it happens so often. I also did a spit test, where I had to spit into this test tube and fill it to the top within a certain time frame. It was actually bloody hard to meet that deadline as I wasn’t allowed to drink for ages beforehand so I was dehydrated. My Dr also does a standing test for POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which is one of my heart conditions. This is really horrible when you’re so sick as standing completely still for 20 minutes can be near impossible. Some patients faint before the 20 minutes are up due to lack of blood flow to their brain. I never fainted luckily, but my blood pressure would drop to something ridiculous like 45/60 and my heart rate would shoot up to 160bpm. I’d become very disoriented and brain-fogged due to oxygen not getting to my brain, my legs would shake with fatigue, I found it difficult to breathe let alone speak (the nurse would keep asking you how you’re feeling) as my heart was beating as if I was running.

Hydrogen breath tests suck too, for people that have done those. You go into a specific clinic, drink this disgusting liquid and then have to sit around for hours and have your breath tested every hour to see if you have an intolerance to foods like lactose and fructose. Being that I am intolerant, drinking a liquid containing things I’m intolerant to gave me gastro like symptoms, running to the toilet throughout my testing and feeling very bloated, nauseous and just yuck. Gastroscopy, colonoscopy, endoscopy, liver & kidney scans (very painful when they’re inflammed), I’ve been lucky enough to have all of those too!  

Then there’s the trialling of all the medications. Because when you have illnesses that are incurable and largely misunderstood, even regarded as not existing, you are essentially a guinea pig. It’s not only that, but every single CFS or Lyme patient has different symptoms and different biologies, which means all our treatments must be individualised and what works for one might not work for another. My body is also very sensitive to medications (it runs in my family) and having a bad reaction to things is common for my mum, brother and I. Every doctors appointment became a Russian roulette of new medications or supplements. “This test shows your body can’t absorb potassium, take 7 of these a day/ we found your stomach can’t produce acid to digest food, take these with every meal/ your mitochondria can’t produce energy, take this injection daily/ you’re chronically dehydrated, drink 2L of this a day/ you’re not producing the hormone that helps you sleep, take this highly addictive sleeping tablet plus these horrible tasting drops just before bed/ your blood pressure is too low, take this beta blocker.” The list just goes on and on. 

My body is like a Picasso- a jumbled mess, a masterful fuck-up, where down is up and up is down (actually this is sounding more like Dr. Suess). Nothing in my body makes sense or works how it should. So when I trial a medication that I react badly to, thats where you get side effects on top of chronic illness, I have to wean off it and start all over again with something different. I’ve tried hundreds of medications, supplements, tinctures, herbal remedies, whatever was recommended to me. Because I will do whatever it takes to get better and to just feel better. But the more I tried, the lower my success rate of finding things that actually worked. 

New doctors wouldn’t understand how seriously complex I am. A kinesiologist put me on some tinctures that made me seriously ill. My CFS Dr was furious because she wouldn’t have understood that putting me THAT b12 concoction would then irritate this part of my illness and he would never have let me take something like that. Then my Dr’s own colleague tried to treat me and she even made me really ill by telling me not to take certain things and trying others things, as she didn’t know my history for the last 6 years and wouldn’t have had time to read through my hundreds of tests and doctors notes over that time. Again my Dr was angry. This doesn’t make her negligent either, we are just so complex and confusing to the majority of the medical community, can you begin to understand why we are shunned as hypochondriacs or put in the “too hard” basket? 

This is what makes my CFS doctor so amazing, he never gives up on us. It can actually be traumatic for patients like myself throughout our fight to get better. We aren’t even heard, listened to or taken seriously. I had to yell and argue with my GP when I first got sick, just to get him to write me a referral to a CFS doctor because he didn’t “believe in it” and said I must just have low iron or something (he already tested it and it was within the spectrum). He even WORKED with a CFS doctor, so he had an easy connection and getting that referral was like extracting teeth. Years into my diagnosis he would then argue with me over prescriptions and why I needed to take certain things. “7 potassium tablets a day, you should be dead!” Yet I’d have my prescription bottles with me for proof. “Wow you’ve lost so much weight, you look great, are you working again now?” Would be his opening line to me as I slowly dragged myself into his office with a walking stick, barely able to stand or hold my own head up. I don’t think he’s a moron either (well he kind of is), but this is the general consensus of how people with my illnesses are treated by the people that should be helping us the most. So if I’m being frank with you here, the majority of the medical community are morons when it comes to illnesses like mine. They’re brilliant in many other ways, but that doesn’t help me or change my story. 

Can you imagine a cancer patient getting a positive test result or scan of a tumour and being told to just take some panadol (pain reliever), get out more and see a psychiatrist? Or you find a lump in your breast and want a scan, your doctor tells you you’ve imagined the lump, probably from stress or depression and that fatigue is because you need to exercise and lose some weight, then your imaginary lump will disappear. Later you find out your body is riddled with cancer, how angry would you be? My body is riddled with billions of deadly and destructive bacteria because of this ignorance and negligence towards certain illnesses. Can you imagine my anger when I was diagnosed with LATE STAGE Lyme Disease at age 24 and I should have been diagnosed in the hospital when I presented very clear symptoms at age 16. Instead the doctors found me a novelty, they kept coming in all night and gawking at me like a medical marvel. “What the hell is wrong with her? Those are some fucked up symptoms!” is what I imagine the talk outside my door would have been. Lyme Disease is more common than HIV/AIDS, it is not a unique or unheard of disease in the medical world. 

Anyway, so I was FINALLY diagnosed with Lyme Disease in 2013, better late than never, through overseas testing that costs upwards of $1,500-$2,000. So again, you better be rich if you want to get anywhere with treating this bastard illness. This is where the fun begins! 

[ruffboijuliaburnsides]

#once again... I'm not saying 'girl adhd' and 'boy adhd' are things #but society perceives them in specific ways #kids are often socialized according to their agab #I never once said that people don't have adhd types that aren't typical for their gender #but specific genders tend to have specific adhd types because of socialization #it has to be socialization because there are not sex hormones going on when these kids are being diagnosed #PRIOR TO PUBERTY

#I understand the subtypes of ADHD entirely  #what I was saying is that it's sexist to call it ADHD  #when what people perceive as hyperactivity is a typical male presentation of the disorder #I think the 'attention deficit' is fucked up to start with #but I frankly don't care about the clinical definition of hyperactivity #when I am still as an adult trying to convince my parents I have a condition I have been diagnosed with and medicated for for years #because the name of the condition implies things that don't apply to me

#IT'S A BAD NAME TO START WITH #IT"S ESPECIALLY BAD WHEN IT IMPLIES A THING LITERALLY HALF OF THE PEOPLE UNDER THE UMBRELLA DON'T EXPERIENCE #I literally don't care that the 'hyperactive' means what my brain is doing #what my parents hear is the external thing #and I'm an adult #unless every psychiatrist diagnosing a kid takes their time to sit down with their parents and make it clear what the diagnosis means... #DO YOU SEE HOW THIS IS A FUCKING PROBLEM (via @taibhsearachd​)

...ngl, the fact that ADD and ADHD got condensed into ADHD when the hyperactivity specifically is part of the reason so many girls were simply not diagnosed drives me up the wall.

It's not that the whole name isn't bullshit, because it is. It describes the way people outside of our experience perceive us, as opposed to the difficulties that are part of our lived experience. Even from an outside standpoint, it's recognizable that "deficit" is not always the issue with our attention... but that's beside the point.

When psychiatrists noticed that ADD and ADHD were basically the same thing... they chose to favor the typical male presentation in the literal naming of the condition, and in doing so condemned a generation of girls (and other afab people) to suffer through being told they're so smart, they just don't apply themselves enough, that it's a personal failing they can't regularly turn in homework, that they're lazy for waiting until the last minute to work on an assignment... because those girls weren't hyperactive. Those girls just kind of drifted off and daydreamed in classes. Those girls doodled or wrote stories all through their school years, and functioned measurably worse when a teacher noticed they were doing that and tried to stop them. Those girls are now so many of my adult friends who are now being diagnosed with ADHD as adults, because the hyperactive part of the diagnosis almost solely applies to children (CHILDREN, when, I might note, this is a lifelong condition) who are socialized male.

We need a whole other name for the condition, because attention deficit is not our problem at all. But my god, the hyperactivity part actually ruined my life for so many years, because I had no way to explain to my dad why it physically hurt me to be bored, why I had to read or write or doodle in class in order to keep my focus, why I excelled in tests but failed at homework so my grades sucked because of that. No one even considered I might have ADHD, all through my childhood, but earlier this year I had the opportunity to go through all my grade school reports, and they could not be MORE CLEARLY talking about a child with ADHD. "Pleasure to have in class", "assignments not complete", "does not pay attention in class", "Birdie is a highly intelligent child with specific and unique needs" (I would LOVE more follow-up on that one, from third grade, do not have it). But I was a quiet and reserved child, so obviously I couldn't have ADHD.

I'm legitimately angry about it in retrospect. I went off my Adderall for a couple months recently, as an adult who only started taking Adderall as an adult, and it completely fucked up my ability to function. For years I was just out there as a teenager struggling through high school and college entirely unmedicated because as a child I was too withdrawn to be diagnosed. Fucking wild and also infuriating.