#unironically he's so cute. men (positive) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sanjisblackasswife · 2 years ago

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i can’t remember if you did an nsfw alphabet for geto yet so if not can we get himm??🫶🏾

Suguru Geto NSFW Alphabet

Black Fem Reader in mind

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Such a clingy baby, but also a very clean baby. He has a personal drawer filled with clean towels, snacks, and just like his best friend a mini fridge as well filled with refreshments. Suguru loves having you cock warm him for a moment. He swears his intentions are innocent.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He isn’t biased about any part of his body. He takes care of his self very well physically .

He’s a butt/thigh guy when it comes to the sexual part, but your eyes are what always captivated him. Eye contact is always a must for when he makes love to you.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Another clean guy, but when it comes to sex he can be a bit messy depending if he wants to take his time with you or completely ruin your cute little body. If he isn’t cumming inside a condom or you he enjoys pouring his seed on your gummy slit, toying the tip of his cock on your clit.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Geto had sex with you while Gojo watched. Back when all three of you roomed together shortly after high school, You and your boyfriend were in your room being horny rabbits, & u were too busy cumming under him you didn’t notice your loud white haired friend run into the room to see what you both were doing because he was bored, Geto always had a small competition with his best friend on how well the other had sex so instead of telling him to get out he picked up the pace of fucking you.

That would explain why you came 4 times that night and why Gojo was much nicer towards you after that.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Yes. Geto has had a decent amount of experience with past girlfriends before you. He doesn’t believe in one night stands he holds himself in a higher standard but back in high school he had a good amount of girlfriends to know what to do.

He is unironically better at sex than Gojo.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He loves and I mean loves

Missionary.

Now it may seem vanilla or simple for some but it’s how he executes it. He has actually made you more flexible when putting you on your back and throwing your legs either on his shoulders or move them far apart

Your legs are spread so widely it looks like you’re hitting the splits. He also loves just looking at your entire body, the way you try to contain your breast from shaking, the way you avoid his gaze, your panting face, Geto loves looking at you.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He is pretty serious in making sure you both cum. A few sly remarks here or there but once the clothes come completely off he is focused on his one goal.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Hes such a trimmed Boy, he does grow hair fast down there so some days he will forget to shave it down but if you don’t mind it he’ll keep his happy trail until it bothers him

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Him and Nanami are the top 2 men that can be absolutely heart aching with hot romantic they can be. There was one in which you haven’t seen him in a few months due to you needing to go on some life threatening missions. When you came back safe and sound Geto completely spoiled you all night. Slow kissing, putting your pleasure before his, his long silky hair dragging over your naked panting body drove you insane but it was a night to remember

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

When he was younger he did it plenty, but now that he is with you and doesn’t have any time to do so besides in the shower he doesn’t do it much.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

….he’s very open with his many kinks so imma narrow it down to like 3

Somnophilia: He loves Waking up to your needy little body milking his cock for all he is worth because you just couldn’t wait for him to wake up. He doesn’t play with you too much as you sleep but best believe some of the best mornings with Suguru are the ones where he wakes you up with an orgasm

Role Play: He gets SO into his role. He really enjoys the “Meeting a Stranger at a Bar” roleplay, and at first you wasn’t into it, but now you’ve became so good at playing the fake married woman you guys do it at least once a month and end up having such ravish sex either in an alley or a hotel

Denial Play: This man is a bit of a Sadist …if you can handle it he will edge you to no end. There was only once you pissed him off so to the point he tied you up just to edge you and didn’t let you get off

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He isn’t a very public sex kinda guy. He doesn’t want anybody (except Gojo that one or more times). He wants to keep you to himself so really anywhere in the house

He specifically loves shower sex, both of your hot bodies hitting the cold tile wall as his fingers slide inside your cunt will never not get this man off

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Hes a sucker for a “bummy” look. Lingerie is of course going to turn him on, but when he sees you walk around the house in a big shirt w nothing under, some shorts and the shirt is falling off the shoulder. Anything like that is a tease for him because he knows you’re not being intentional to look sexy but you have been in a few situations where you bent over to grab something and next thing you know Suguru’s hard on was right on your ass

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would never do stuff like pissing on you, or humiliating you. He actually is a kink shaker btw

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

His tongue will ruin your entire well being. His favorite pastime is you sitting on his face or 69 while a movie is playing. Though Sometimes you forget to suck his cock because he’s licking you way too good. Suguru is a VERY intimate pussy Water and when your see him tie his hair in a bun he is about to be down there for a while

You sucking his cock is the best stress reliever. He does love eating you more than getting head but some days when he is just annoyed or drained you always have a 6th sense to know any begin working on his Dick. You have to be careful because sometimes he’d end up face fucking you

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

His default is a normal set pace, not too rough, occasional smacks and gentle hair tugs but he only goes by the pace YOUR BODY wants.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Does not like them he prefers to take his time. The only quickies y’all have done would be in the shower or oral sex. Either than that if you’re needy and time is crunched you’ll have to wait it out

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He doesn’t mind trying new things that you are comfortable with, but always only once before he decides whether or not to do it again.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Oh homeboy can go all night if y’all take enough breaks. He loves your body and though he isn’t a needy person like you, when he starts having sex HE DOESNT want to stop. It can go from rough, to slow to lazy to rough again all in one evening so if you’re up for it he is.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

He owns some handcuffs but only uses them when he is annoyed with you. You never can use it on him though. You did once and overstimmed him so badly he cried.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Speaking of crying, you have done it a lot w his teasing

As Long as he can be when fucking he can be cold blooded.

Touching your most private areas in public, whispering in your ear how badly he wants to bend you over while at the mall, the list goes on

He can get you so close to an orgasm and stop just to prove a point he has that much self control

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Groaner and grunter but the best moans you’ve ever heard was from when your legs were on his shoulders. He felt all of you and kept making such pretty noises in your ear. You swear you could have came from that alone while he was kissing your neck saying “So good y/n you’re so good…”

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

He is so disrespectful when playing board games. He always ends up with the most money, best cards, whatever it’s almost as if he cheats (Gojo’s words).

Also, he can write very beautiful Haikus. You’ve read a few and his way with words are so enchanting and descriptive

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Hes bigger than Gojo

About 5.8-6.9 he is a big boy, he’s very thick so best believe you feel a stretch when he bottoms out

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He can go weeks without sex or not he doesn’t really care, but if he is horny he is HORNY he cannot control himself. You usually initiate sex but if he wants it badly he is going to be on you like white on rice.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

After a nice bath and clean sheets he holds you and just listens to you speak. He will hum a few times to let you know he is awake but once you start to yawn he will adjust himself to face you and caress your tired face to get you to sleep.

And that’s when he can sleep soundly

#jujutsu geto #geto imagines #geto headcanons #getou suguru x reader #geto x female reader #geto x black reader #geto suguru #geto suguru headcanon #geto Suguru x female reader #geto suguru x black reader #Geto smut #geto Suguru smut #geto scenarios

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kythed · 4 years ago

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haikyuu!! + thanksgiving

the hq men as your boyfriend when you bring them home at thanksgiving for the first time

because thanksgiving is in a couple weeks! ik not all of us celebrate it but just pretend LOL

karasuno

sugawara koushi: marches into your kitchen wearing a little red apron and brandishing a spatula. the only thing he can really do is open the cranberry sauce and plate it, but he certainly looks very cute while doing so.

azumane asahi: eats two bowls of vanilla ice cream for dessert. is also violently lactose intolerant. you do the math.

nishinoya yuu: sprays this God-awful fruity cologne all over himself and walks into the house smelling like princess peach’s asshole. you force him to sit outside until it wears off. (spoiler alert: it doesn’t.)

hinata shouyo: frantically rakes up all the leaves in your yard into a huge pile and rolls around in it. later finds out he is in fact allergic to leaves and uses up an entire bottle of cortisone cream trying to soothe his hives. your relatives all think he has chicken pox and interact with him minimally.

kageyama tobio: comes early to help with the cooking— your mom makes him stuff the turkey and he nearly cries when he has to stick his hand in.

sawamura daichi: gets to talking with your dad and you almost have a heart attack when you see them on the couch in identical slouched positions with beers in hand-- they’re practically twins. starts calling you “pumpkin” and “peanut” after the encounter.

tanaka ryunosuke: gives a loud, tipsy toast to “the pilgrims and their funky little hats” after a couple drinks.

yamaguchi tadashi: ran a turkey trot 5k earlier in the morning with you. his entire body is sore— he can’t even sit down without tearing up so he lies face down on your living room carpet for most of the night.

tsukishima kei: literally disappears an hour into dinner and doesn’t pick up his phone. the next day you find out he left to get takeout down the street instead and just never came back.

nekoma

kozume kenma: ends up quietly sitting at the kids’ table for some unknown reason?? it’s chill though; he teaches them how to make handprint turkeys.

haiba lev: also tries to sit at the kids’ table, but they’re understandably terrified of his gigantic 6’4” self and run away when he approaches. it really hurts his feelings and he spends the rest of the night sulking.

kuroo tetsurou: announces he unironically voted for kanye and subsequently gets into a vicious political argument with your drunk uncle. 20 minutes later they’re singing a tearful rendition of “danny boy” with their arms around each other’s shoulders.

morisuke yaku: rants about how much he hates british people.

inuoka sou: pretends to be british.

shiratorizawa

ushijima wakatoshi: walks in with the stage presence of a greek god, gives your mom a huge bouquet of peonies, and thanks her for allowing him to come to dinner. she nearly faints.

tendou satori: wears a bow tie and a monocle. your mom introduces him to the family as your gay best friend— it’s not a great night for him.

semi eita: compliments your grandma’s hair cut. two hours later she’s sitting next to him with an album in hand, showing him all your embarrassing baby pictures. yes, including the naked ones.

tsutomu goshiki: drinks three hard ciders without realizing they’re alcoholic and ends up very giggly and very touchy-- and not just to you. you take him home early.

shirabu kenjirou: shows up two hours late, pretends he’s been there the entire time, and acts offended when your relatives don’t remember him.

aoba johsai

oikawa tooru: charms every single woman at the party in true oikawa fashion. at the end of the night your newly divorced aunt slips him a piece of paper with her number on it. he reassures you he isn’t going to call her-- but he also doesn’t throw it away.

iwaizumi hajime: your brother-in-law challenges him to an arm wrestling contest. iwa crushes him five times in a row without batting an eye and gives him a very respectful thumbs up afterwards.

hanamaki takahiro: makes friends with that weird third cousin who no one really knows but just kinda shows up. you see them making a secret handshake.

matsukawa issei: everyone actually loves him, but for some reason they all think he’s an accountant. has he been telling them he’s an accountant??

kunimi akira: literally just pets the cat the whole night. ignores anyone who tries to talk to him unless they’re feline.

inarizaki

miya atsumu: he ends up gossiping with all your chatty aunties. when it’s time to go home he knows about fifty years of family secrets and enough blackmail material to last him a lifetime. scared? you should be.

miya osamu: truly God’s gift to thanksgiving, everything suga wishes he could be. owns a “kiss the cook” apron (that he bought for himself) and makes five types of boujee hors d'oeuvres. every single relative at the dinner tells you to marry him.

kita shinsuke: helps you mash the potatoes. you try to not ogle his biceps while he does so, but it’s very, very difficult. wipe that drool from the corner of your mouth-- it’s embarrassing.

suna rintarou: arrives wearing all black designer clothing, a luxury watch, and a haughty expression-- the perfect trophy boyfriend. your cousin says she thinks she saw him on a calvin klein ad last week. he tells her it was actually louis vuitton.

fukurodani

akaashi keiji: handwrites all the name cards in beautiful calligraphy the day before and brings a big bundle of dahlias and baby’s breath for floral centerpieces-- you’re pretty sure your mom would rather have him as a daughter instead.

bokuto koutarou: gets involved in the thanksgiving football game with your male cousins. he scores 75% of his team’s points and by the end of it they’re chanting his name and carrying him around the field; you have to deal with god-complex bokuto for the next week and a half.

konoha akinori: your dog will not stop humping his leg. he tries to stop it but there’s really no dignified way to do that, so he just suffers in silence.

date tech

futakuchi kenji: pulls you into the cleaning supply closet while everyone else is going for seconds. your little cousin comes in looking for paper towels and catches the two of you in a compromising position-- oh, well. it’s about time someone gave that kid the talk, anyways.

koganegawa kanji: accidentally clogs the toilet and has a near panic attack trying to unclog it before it overflows.

aone takanobu: surprisingly good at chess and plays several games with your great uncle while he talks about the war

other

terushima yuuji: after dessert he proudly ties a cherry stem in a knot with his tongue, hoping it’ll impress the table. it does not.

sakusa kiyoomi: doesn’t show up. i’m sorry, but let’s be real-- did you ever really expect him to?

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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk

#asky #careposting

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jonathanrook · 3 years ago

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legally i have to give you intern 2

em you have awoken an ungodly beast inside me so i need to warn everyone that this post is. incomprehensible. but so is mymusic so i guess we're all used to it.

How I feel about this character:

i watched mymusic as it was airing/running/coming out specifically bc i'm a jack stannie, and as a kid melvin was my second favorite character (w scene being in first, obvs) for mostly that reason. he basically hovered around this ranking until my most recent rewatch in the summer of 2020, which was actually spurred by some events in my personal life that vaguely reminded me of scene's season two arc w jeff, and i thought it'd been a funny/nostalgic way to get my mind off things.

(i want to side note here that -- i know you didn't ask, but -- i love jeff. i have since i was a kid. like, obviously not as a person but i think he's honestly the best written character in the series, w indie close in second. idk what it says about the f*nes that their most interesting and well rounded characters are the villains, but i digress. to this day i'm salty that jeff never got added to the theme song and wasn't really included in promotional merch.)

however, in said rewatch, certain things about how he was written started to really get under my skin, and certain moments in particular have really stuck out to me in a negative way. like, for the entirety of season one and a good chunk of season two he's one person, and then he leaves mymusic and we have an entirely different person, but not in a nuanced character building sort of way.

i've said a few of these points before but i'll repeat them here regardless. at the risk of sounding like i've put on a tin-foil hat, it's my sneaking suspicion that scindie was supposed to be endgame, but since fan reception to it was pretty neutral, and scenechart stans were, at the very least, more vocal, changes were made to the intended finale, which is why in the last scene he's basically just. indie. like, if everything about the show was exactly the same but indie was the one who had ended up w scene in the end that would have made so much more sense since a) scene had a crush on indie that he/everyone knew about and b) indie was kind of a dick despite the half-assed attempts at redemption, so both combined make it slightly less weird/out-of-nowhere that he kisses her w/o her consent (since, even though like. implied consent is not real at worst and a fuzzy subject at best but you could argue that scene would want indie to kiss her); and this isn't even taking into consideration that c) melvin is heavily queer-coded in both seasons, with his friendship with nerdcore being, dare i say, homoerotic at times, and his arc about leaving the company and changing his name mirroring nerdcore's almost perfectly (with nerdcore being a character who b*nny [at least] has all but confirmed is actually gay).

i've also been on the fence about melvin's behavior in that final scene making more sense for indie's character being an intentional decision as a way of shoe-horning in a theme about the lasting effects of abuse/cycles of abuse/the corruption of power but i also don't think the f*nes are smart enough for that. however, for the sake of defending my straw theory, i also point to the scene where indie comes to visit the acid factory after melvin told him to shut up, and we see melvin use reggie as a foot-stool, going as far as to say that it feels good to do so (which, in all honesty, i think is a bit that was entirely improvised, since the f*nes were "notorious for never saying cut" [paraphrased from a bts video], but work w me here). he's also given a seltzer mug that perfectly resembles indie's kombucha mug. in these moment melvin is directly emulating the behavior of his previous abuser, purposefully or not, literal moments after being promoted to an equal position of authority, which was totally just included as a joke, but could also be argued is meant to show that he's becoming indie; or, if we acknowledge that the f*nes have no fucking clue what they're doing and were just directing like chickens with their heads cut off, it at least shows that melvin's new position of power is leading him to understand where indie was coming from, which is supported by their conversation in the finale.

the following contains a couple brief mentions of irl sexual assault so if that's something you'd like to avoid skip to the next section!

HOWEVER, that alone isn't what i have a problem with, since i think melvin is completely justified in being a dick to indie (and also reggie enthusiastically consents to being used as an ottoman so good for him i guess). the issue comes completely in how he treats scene in the scenes where the f*nes clearly thought what they were writing was super romantic. like, the fact that the only thing he's got hung on his cubicle wall is a single picture of scene taken from the fucking opening credits (like. how hard would it have been to have. literally any other photo[s] esp since there's an abundance of cute bts pics of the cast in costume that could have been put there) and him scrolling through her twitter at work really creep me out (and at the risk of oversharing the weird, like, social media stalking angle really fucks w me bc that may or may not have been the exact fucking thing i was trying to escape in rewatching mymusic in the first place). also, having him sexually assault scene as a means of comforting her after she had just been sexually assaulted in the same way by someone else was... a choice (which is also, uh, personally familiar).

again, i recognize that demonizing melvin wasn't what the f*nes were trying to do here, and i perhaps seem hypocritical for opening liking jeff, but what makes jeff work is he's intentionally "the bad guy." having melvin do the same things as indie and jeff uncritically only proves further that the f*nes can't write for shit, and ruins his character which had, up until he quit mymusic, been unironically good. like, it's obviously not beneficial that the exact asshole things he does are personally triggering, but the character would still be a mess and i would still dislike him regardless.

i want to say though that jack delivers a surprisingly great performance despite how shoddily his character is constructed and how little experience he has as an actor. like, it's clear he was having a lot of fun on set and i would love to see him in something, like, good; i think he could pull off even like, guest television roles, which is a lot more than can be said for other youtubers.

-----

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

nerdchart should have been canon i'm sorry. i know that close, nonromantic male friendships are valuable, esp between queer men, but also gd wouldn't it have been baller to have a canon interracial mlm ship. like. c'mon. and they could have been such a good friends to lovers story! we already got to see how melvin was the only person nerdcore could really be himself around so it would have been so cool if melvin's self-advocacy arc/flowchart arc had revolved more around nerdcore with a little role-reversal! and then they kiss! like god intended!

also i ship him and indie bc i'm a grubby little gremlin man ohoho. enemies w weird sexual tension? sign me up. not even enemies to lovers i'm not saying this one should have been canon i just love the vibes. do you think melvin and indie ever explored each other's bod-- *gunshot*

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My non-romantic OTP for this character:

i wish him and scene had just been bros. god remember in season one when they were just bros that was the life.

alternatively, i wish we'd seen more bonding w him and metal, as a means of reconciling that. uh. moment from season one. along similar lines i would have loved to see him get closer w rayna in a similar way to how she bonded w nerdcore in season two. i think that could have also worked to show how she'd grown between the two seasons.

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My unpopular opinion about this character:

HIM. AND. SCENE. SHOULD. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. BROS. (though i think my general dislike of him is pretty unpopular, lmao).

when the show was coming out i don't think it's unfair to say that scenechart/scenetern 2 was the most popular ship (aside from potentially techstep whatever) but luckily we're all gay and have better taste now. unfortunately i totally fell into this camp and scenechart was even my otp for years (until it was arguably more unfortunately usurped by reddie in 2019) and i didn't even realise that it's a hot mess until, again, the summer of 2020.

when actually watching the show the choices the f*nes made in regards to how the ship actually became canon are so odd and out of place, too? okay, so, on one hand everyone just shipped scenechart bc it was the whitest hettiest ship in the show (esp in season two when idol left) aside from scindie (and we already discussed what's wrong w that). but, on the other hand, lainey and jack clearly also just got along? and i suspect that lainey probably also admired jack's work and was happy to be working with him bc we have so many shots throughout even the first season when the ship wasn't the intended endgame of lainey scene looking really fondly at jack melvin at times when it doesn't make much sense at all, esp since she's smitten w indie? this trend continues into the second season which arguably works but it still seems really out of place for him to be the one to ultimately make the first move on her since it's clear she was the one crushing this whole time and also he's gay! this bitch is gay what the fuck!!

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One thing I wish had happened with this character in canon:

at this point i'm struggling to think of anything i haven't covered yet. oops.

i've talked at length before about how he should have been a woman/lesbian, but the tl;dr is that it would have solved a lot of the queer-coding "problems" that just didn't get resolved in the show. if he'd been a lesbian then not only would the friendship w nerdcore still made sense, but scenechart would have as well (not even mentioning that both of scene's other relationships w men make a lot of sense as comphet anyway).

#long post #this took me an hour to write i literally had to get a snack in the middle of it #mymusicshow #mymusic show #question #mlentertainment #also having a character named scene when you have to write about scenes like. in a story is an absolute bitch

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ayakashiramblings · 5 years ago

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Dawn and Twilight’s Social Media Accounts

Kuya

@NevermoreButSnore.

1230 followers.

Yes, I copied Edgar Allan Poe. Yes, I’m not sorry about the rhyme. Or calling him out.

Not that he really cares.

Insists that he is a headcanon creator on Twitter

Everyone who follows him knows that he is lying.

If we really had to classify him as a writer, it would one who posts those way-too-accurate posts about writers complaining about writing.

Like the notebook hoarding one. Not that anyone here in the fandom is guilty of that, haha... haha... ha.

Ironically is one of the more popular ones out of the whole group.

His flat responses and laziness are way too prominent to NOT be noticed.

If you actually tentatively sneak into his DMs though, for writing tips, he will patiently listen and... rather bluntly advise you.

It’s still advice though and is always the type to check out and reblog any short fanfics.

It just has to be weird, sporadic hours because he is the type to fall asleep with the phone on his face.

Koga Kitamikado

1230 followers.

@CapitalKayKay

Listen, there is a reason why a lot of successful businesses chose Instagram as their social media so Koga is no exception.

What makes his account stand out, as you can see from his rather cheeky username, is that he is willing to be an open book.

So he isn’t constantly shoving down any products he is sponsoring or whatever piece he is endorsing.

It’s more of genuinely wanting to hang out and explore what the world has to offer.

Whenever he posts a picture of the gang together, he’s the one tagging all of them, even the ones with hard usernames.

And there’s always a nice comment thanking whoever hosted the fun time or being appreciative of the area and the locals.

It helps that he has a sense of humour so the memes are always just the right amount of teasing but nothing too bad that will deter potential clients.

Because of his down-to-earth nature, he reels everyone in.

Uses the space to invite everyone following him on any celebration/casual outing.

The thing is... he has a lot of followers.

So... good luck.

Aoi

1150 followers.

@DeredArtTooTsun

Look, even he knows he is a Tsundere. It’s a small victory getting him to acknowledge that, let alone use it to brand himself here.

But god, he’s the man I’m most jealous of on Tumblr.

PERFECT BULLET JOURNALS AND SKETCHES.

Got the spreads that literally define ‘aesthetic’, a perfect lineup of art materials even with pencils that have their numbers faded, and somehow, the emotions can pass through the paper and screen.

Even does tutorials on perspectives, positions with cute annotations. Just don’t praise them for being adorable though and focus on improving your skills, dummy.

Ironically though, it’s his mindless vents that get the most number of notes.

It helps that the pics include him, a very cute... I mean... manly boy screaming at very, very hot men.

A bit baffled but whatever it takes to get commissions.

That’s right, he takes them. At least there is a back-up option should the restaurant ever go out of business.

Spoiler Alert: Still doesn’t get paid as much. People, have you seen the number of talented artists here? Aoi might be in the rankings but it’s still hard attracting business.

Support your fandom artists, everyone!

Ginnojo

1000 followers. Just nice.

Ginnojoz

Poor grandpa didn’t intend to put that extra ‘z’ letter, it was a typo because scales don’t get along with haptic touch.

And unfortunately, doesn’t understand how to change it.

Once, he was huge on Vine before it died. The end of an era that he has to witness again. RIP.

Gin-Gin, it is RIGHT. THERE.

Expect to find his super short self-defence videos and Book Club Readings on YouTube.

Girls actually appreciate his instructions and attempts to provide help even if they are alone.

He did try to respond to the nice ones and actually succeeds.

It’s always easier getting to know the language of women when you don’t really see/touch them.

A deep baritone is perfect for some sexy excerpt of a historical novel...

Until he corrects the setting.

In fact, he sometimes rage-quits and rewrites it.

Unlike Kuya, him doing those established ideas actually catches on.

Yura and Gaku

1500 followers.

MelodyandTheBeat.

... Tik-tokers. Tik-Tok people?

WTH do you call them?

As you can see, they are the most popular since it’s combined stardom.

Look, their covers and music mixes are beautiful.

They always have their own version that somehow combines traditional Japanese music... with k-pop.

And of course, food porn.

Just be grateful there isn’t that awful squelching sound you hear when you consume jelly or the breaking of chilli seeds.

Listen, I usually separate them because it’s never nice to be grouped as having the same activity as your twin.

But in this case, being both equally beautiful AND talented sells their uploads.

Even the cringy ones made because Yura is such a Luddite.

Like just turning his head and being amazed his hair can turn so many colours, being impressed with each tilt until he gets to a black shade.

Suddenly hurls the phone away. Gee, wonder why? Guess black isn’t the new... black for him?

Gaku sometimes even introduces new filters he created based on Yura’s random requests that strangely get circulated on the site.

Oji

550 followers all know Oji-Sanz

Unlike Ginnojo, he deliberately adds the ‘z’ letter to sound cool.

You wanna know what’s worse?

He actually uses Facebook.

Aoi decides to give up on him. Nobody blames the poor student.

It’s apparently some old form of social media? Never used it, no sirree.

Always changing his relationship status but at the end of the day, he’s single and ready...

To post about all the lovely ladies destined to enter his restaurant.

He thinks it’s great publicity.

It really isn’t but one good thing about Oji is he includes EVERYONE.

This man respects his customers and always helps advertise their wares, especially if their connections lead to more resources.

And less grocery shopping on his part.

Does post the recipes he and Aoi created but will never use because the Milk Hall had a certain style to follow.

Officially makes Aoi his son... on Facebook at least.

Aoi now tolerates the account.

Barely.

Toichiro Yuri

WhatheMeSay has 1231 followers!

In your face @CapitalKayKay and @NevermorebutSnore!!

You know, I’m so glad that there aren’t any users with those names because I’d be so scared of accidentally tagging them.

Also, geddit? Because... What the fox say?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding... yeah, I’ll stop.

Pinterest Guy. And actually does spend on his ‘hobby’ to show off to everyone.

It does boost you and your father’s sales so there is nothing to complain about.

His boards are always alliterated just to sound super catchy and it works so long as he gets the right emoji.

Kabuki plays better be promoted or else.

Filled with candid pictures of his victims all taken at different angles you didn’t know were possible and in varying degrees of hilariously misunderstood positions.

He even supplies a donation link, heavily leveraged by his followers, since there are incentives tied to it like early access.

A bit suspicious the photos look like cropped out parts from Koga’s posts and some of the text resembles Kuya’s... er... wisdom?

He takes an unholy amount of selfies when he thinks no one is looking and so they are always surprised upon finding them on the Selfie Board.

There is a locked board that no one can access, even his followers who are his comrades in real life.

It’s actually just one picture in there.

It’s you smiling and giggling at a joke of his. Not even you know it’s been taken. Guess he is as soft as his fur, eh? He better come out soon or else.

Kuro

Kuroruohtumbling

Ginnojo is unfortunately just old enough to have grown up with Scooby-Doo to understand the reference.

Snapchat, like a snapping snake! Hiss!

Unironically loves the puppy face.

Ok, but the glimpses of his stunts help show snippets of the circus life.

He and his whole troupe family will even don costumes best suited for certain filters.

Sometimes ropes in Ginnojo... and by sometimes, I mean enough for everyone to start wondering if the stoic man is part of the act.

To be fair, he randomly hugs people and ranks them here.

You, of course, were number 1.

Now, if only he didn’t use the bloody song to announce it but you forgive him.

Maybe even risks revealing his ayakashi form before deleting the message to you.

Loves making international fans and learning various languages through each post, sort of like flashcards but animated and more fun!

And with 1200 followers, he might become a polyglot like Koga.

Shizuki

Everyone bans him from creating one.

Because they know the power of his roasts is too great.

Little do they know he goes undercover.

Underground.

And under their noses.

That’s right. His rant town on... MySpace.

Unapologetically uses a good chunk of his salary from serving the House of Yuri just to get nifty themes that help with the whole burning process.

Look, there’s a reason he and Oji are friends.

This is why.

Their taste in women seems fine but we really have got to do something about their affinity towards DEAD PLACES.

To be fair, he made the whole thing drunk but that doesn’t mean he should maintain it SOBER.

He just feels that it is a waste of space if he doesn’t utilize it.

And it also becomes kind of cathartic. From the intrusive hugs to his master and Sir Gaku irking each other to no end, he needs it.

Zero followers... but only because it’s super private.

It becomes 1 the moment you jokingly create an account.

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kob131 · 5 years ago

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So, who wants to see me criticize a piece of RWBY media?

Because I really don’t have anything too positive to say about the RWBY comic.

Now this isn’t to say the RWBY manga is completely bad, as it does have a few nice expressions ( a lot of Blake’s from her issue are cute and the ending to the Blake one has a nice one with Taiyang out of context) and the basic idea behind the comics being an expansion on the events that couldn’t be told in Volume 4 is a good idea.

... But there are many problems with the issues. In fact, lets not mince words here: the manga has many of the same problems people like FMF and RWDE have to lie about in the original show.

First off is the canonical inconsistencies. One example of this is in the Blake issue, where a day before she leaves for her fateful train raid with Adam she confronts him on how he got several of his men killed.

... This scene has a few issues with canon.

First off, Blake CAN’T have been in Menagrie. Because in Volume 3 Episode 7, after Cinder gets rejected by Adam in Vale, Blake shows up and the second attempt takes place a couple days later with Blake having left. So this scene can’t happen.

Secondly, Blake acts shocked to hear Adam wants to kill a crapton of humans...when in the Black Trailer, she sounds shocked that Adam would blow up the traincar full of civilians even though she would have known about this beforehand. This also contradicts the Adam Character Short where Blake and Adam fight about him killing humans which HAS TO have taken place before this.

Third, Blake tries to make excuses for Adam in Volume 3, where she talks about him going off the deep end and how it was a gradual slope. But considering how this comic starts off with Blake first meeting Adam and that moment is portraying Adam as already being a psycho. So...Yeah, that’s confusing. You could argue that she is talking about Adam from that one scene in his Character Short where Adam was shocked to have killed a human...but that scene takes place when Ghira was the leader of the White Fang and considering Sienna is speaking at the beginning, that tells us she’s the leader now so Blake couldn’t have seen that. (Maybe she was told about it before but that is never indicated nor implied).

Fourth, Blake acts scared of Adam when they meet back up in Volume 3...but in this comic, she calls him out to his face:

So...yeah, another inconsistency. And this is just one part of one issue. There are other problems with canoncity like Yang’s issue takes place before getting her arm and yet she recovers by the end of the issue, still no arm.

But another big issue is how characters are portrayed. For this, I basically have five major examples to work with here.

Raven Taiyang Yang Adam Blake

With Raven, she shows up in a flashback in the Ruby issue badmouthing Summer to a young Ruby and Yang about how she couldn’t be a true mother to Yang...which doesn’t fit Raven at all. Yes, Raven is petty. Yes, Raven hates Summer. Yes, Raven cares for Yang. But these three things are NEVER portrayed as interconnecting. Raven is petty because her ego gets bruised like with how she rejects teaming up with Qrow because he badmouthed her, Raven seems to hate Summer in canon probably because of ideological reasons (since her hatred is directly connected to Ruby’s speech) and Raven does care for Yang but it is barely enough for her to regret her actions, let alone be this emotional and petty out of the blue over losing her role as Yang’s mom. This doesn’t work.

With Taiyang, while barely appears, he’s portrayed as this generic Cool Dad(Tm) who absolutely knows whats best for Yang...which he ISN’T in canon. He’s fucked up, he’s failed as a father before with shutting down on Yang and Ruby alongside telling Yang about Raven. Hell, it’s still prevalent as he can’t help Yang in her breakdown in Volume 4 Episode 3 when dropping that glass and flashing back to Adam. He doesn‘t show any hesitation or doubt or worry in his actions with Yang, he’s just generically confident.

With Yang, she thinks that an apothecary can regrow her arm despite the fact there is NOTHING in the world in Volume 4 to imply that such a thing is possible (otherwise this shit would be common knowledge) which is pretty fucking dumb for Yang. And then by the end of the issue, she’s all sunshine and rainbows...something she isn’t completely EVEN IN VOLUME 6. And this is BEFORE she gets her arm and has that talk with Oobleck, Port and Taiyang.

For Adam, he apparently cries over the idea that his underlings didn’t kill enough humans. Even ignoring how people DON’T cry over that, Adam would either be angry or pretend to be calm and noble due to how unstable he is and the lie he leads. And when Blake calls him out on his shit to his face, which would be robbing him of control in the situation, he just grabs Blake without even so much as a frown. Adam’s gone from an unstable individual grasping desperately for control to just a generic psycho.

And Blake? She barely acts like herself in the flashbacks. Blake acts like a clone of Ruby being all smilely and cute facial expressions instead of the moody, cynical, sarcastic introvert we know her as. Even if I were to give some benefit of the doubt and say her time in the WF made her more cynical, she should have SOME aspect of her current personality here instead of being Ruby.

Also the dialogue has issues on a fundamental level. In the scene that I referenced in the above, Adam gives the line ‘My only regret was that our white fang brothers could not have killed a hundred thousand more.’

First, the ‘White Fang’ part isn’t necessary, we can infer from ‘brothers’ and the context of the conversation he’d be talking about their comrades. Second, ‘could not’ is an incredibly awkward phrase to use, usually used with overly formal or robotic characters. Neither of these apply to Adam, he should have used the contradiction ‘couldn’t.’ Finally, the use of a ‘hundred thousand’ is cringy as hell. ‘Hundred’ or ‘Thousand’ alone would have sold the mental image just fine but combining the two pushes the image into the realm of absurdity with how extreme it is, becoming rather try hard. These three on their own are annoying but altogether they’re inexcusable. The sentence should have been ‘My only regret was that our brothers couldn’t have kill a thousand more’, which flows so much better,

Again, not a singular case considering the title of the next issue is ‘The Woe’s Of Weiss Schnee’...either implying ‘Woe is’ or the woe possesses Weiss.

And lastly, the art. Not only is the art so off that some characters look younger than they should (Ghira, Kali and Taiyang look more like older siblings than parents and Adam without his mask looks the same age as Blake despite being five years older) but the art actively CONTRADICTS what is being said in the comic.

Again, look at the above images with Blake calling Adam out. Does she REALLY look like she’s scolding Adam and calling him a monster? Because the image more conveys that she’s trying to kiss him unironically. And the face she makes that’s suppose to look determined and defiant? Yeah, more like she’s miffed she didn’t get to kiss him. The art is REFUSING to convey the emotions that the dialogue and narration are trying to get across. And, one last time: this is not a single time problem. Adam not looking like his age gives him a look of innocence and purity when the story is all about how much of a monster he is, conflicting with what the story is trying to say even though the show made by overworked animators and written by people with barely any writing experience outside RWBY managed to do this FAR better (same with the looks of the scars, with the comic’s scar looking like goo while the original’s looks crusty and painful.)

I could go on (like how the Yang and Blake issues are basically pointless as Volume 4 Episodes 3,4 and 9 and the Adam Character Short do their jobs but better) but I’ve made my point. The comic feels like the delusions that RWDE has been spouting out for years (the ones they need to purposefully misinterpret scenes, cut context and outright LIE to make up) but real. I still can’t fully believe that such a thing can actually exist.

Fuck, when I can fully understand what RWDE means, you know you fucked up. (Although don’t go harassing the creators, that’s not okay no matter what.)

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kuroopaisen · 5 years ago

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haikyuu matchups: i'm an enfp. i stand at four foot eight. i'm lowkey (read: highkey) insecure about it. i aspire to be a preschool teacher at this moment in time. i'm into guys but i will run away from them because i find men scary. i'm awkward around strangers but loud around friends. i'm clingy with my loved ones. i talk to myself a lot. i like to stay at home. i love watching documentaries especially ones about nature or historic events like world war two. i’m a sucker for romantic comedies.

aaa this was really fun to do!! i had a bit of trouble picking between five guys, but i got there in the end

that being said, i match you with…

hinata shouyou!!

✧ okay first of all, hinata loves that you’re shorter than him. he’s not going to poke at your insecurities or anything like that; he’s just happy that he can comfortably sling an arm around your shoulders or press a kiss to your forehead easily.

✧ hinata’s so friendly and talkative that even the most awkward of people have an easy time getting along with him. hell, he probably wouldn’t even notice that you were awkward at first; as with (almost) everyone, his immediate opinion of you is overwhelmingly positive.

✧ honestly?? hinata doesn’t even notice that you’re scared of him. it’s a running trend with him and shy people; and it works, every time. you can’t really run away from him because he’s just going to chase after you in a panic, trying to work out what’s wrong

✧ but finding out that you’re actually loud?? it makes him unreasonably happy. hinata needs to be with someone who can match his energy, and i get the feeling you fit the bill (esp. since hinata’s an exfp himself). being able to match his energy means you’ll probably have an easier time handling it, too.

✧ while he’s not the most intellectual person, hinata strikes me as pretty open-minded, and therefore it’d be quite easy to rope him into watching documentaries with you. he’s pretty easily impressed, too. you know those wwii documentaries that are in full colour?? that sort of stuff blows his mind

✧ i also see him as the type to get super invested in media, regardless of what it is. so, whenever you crack out a romantic comedy, you can bet hinata’s probably shed some tears by the end. and he unironically tries to replicate scenes and gestures from them, to varying levels of success. it’s cheesy, and yet, sweet in its earnestness

✧ you may have a hard time keeping him at home, though; he’s always out doing something (though, let’s be honest – it’s usually volleyball practice). but, when he finally does get home, you’ll have his undivided attention.

✧ idk why exactly, but i feel like hinata would be really good with kids?? he’s got a temperament that’d mess well with them imo, especially those of preschool age. so, he’s really supportive of your goals; and he’s very popular with the kids when he comes to pick you up from work after the day’s over

✧ he loves seeing how well you get along with his little sister!! he loves getting you to help babysit with him, and you’re always finding fun things to do together. of course, in hinata’s mind, a lot of that centers around volleyball; but, a solid team-up of you and natsu can probably convince him to stay home for a movie marathon (natsu also has a fondness for romantic comedies) or even a games night (which end up just as disastrous as you’d expect)

✧ you two would just be so cute and wholesome?? i ended up liking this match more and more as i wrote it, if that says anything,,, but yeah, please love my good sunshine son, because he’d absolutely adore you!!

other possible matches

✧ nishinoya yuu: i’d pick him for pretty similar reasons to hinata, tbh. you’d match his energy pretty well once you’d gotten to know each other, and similarly to hinata, he wouldn’t really process that he’d frightened you in the first place (which i think can just,,, help facilitate a friendship?? but literally only hinata and noya could pull it off). i think noya would love having a clingy partner, because it’d just make him feel really good about himself; like “yeah!! they’re with ME and they love ME and they wanna spend time with ME.” noya’s probably going to tease you for talking to yourself, just because he can be so,,, blunt. but, it’s all well-meaning.

✧ bokuto koutarou: okay, as much as i love the concept of this couple, bokuto may have a hard time getting to know you. because, let’s be honest, he’s such a chaotic force of nature that would be terrifying to have charging at you. that aside, i think you and bokuto would get along really well once you’d gotten to know each other; you’re both loud, and he also strikes me as quite clingy (and like noya, i think having a clingy partner would really boost his ego hhh). and your aspirations to become a preschool teacher means that you’d be able to handle his antics (i’m mostly joking). oh, but bokuto?? also great with kids. thinking about it makes me emotional–

#you sound so cute!!#thank you for your request <3 #rowan plays matchmaker

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twtrv · 7 years ago

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an accurate guide about red velvet

So since so many people are getting into Red Velvet recently, I decided to make a guide to help them out. You know, give yall some slack because learning five names is super hard. A guide accompanied by my half-assed jokes, interesting.

PSA: If you’re only here to stan the girls because of their recent comebacks like Peek-A-Boo and Bad Boy and are going to drop them as soon as they release tracks similar to Dumb Dumb and Ice Cream Cake, leave because we don’t want you here.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s get straight to business (TO DEFEAT THE HUNS WHY DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS WHEN I ASKED FOR SONS)

Basic Facts

Red Velvet is a South Korean girl group formed by SM Entertainment in 2014.

There are five members (OT4 stans can choke).

They debuted on August 1st in 2014 with a single called “Happiness”.

Fandom name is Reveluv. Since “rêve” means “dream” in French, the meaning behind the fandom name is that us, Reveluvs, make their dreams come true and Red Velvet gives us their immense love in return, thus the “luv” part. Sometimes they also call us “Luvies”.

Official fandom colour is pastel coral and not red because l o g i c

The fact that they were formed by SM Entertainment doesn’t mean they got a free ride to the top so sit your entitled asses down, thanks.

Now, you see, they weren’t actually supposed to debut in 2014. I bet you must be confused but don’t worry, it is I, your trusty homie, that is gonna help you realize how many similarities every student has with SM lmao plus the reason for their early debut.

2014 was a rough year for our buddy Lee Soo Man. Jessica left Girl’s Generation; Sulli left f(x); Kris, Tao and Luhan left EXO... This, of course, caused a goddamn World War III amongst the fans of the respective groups. They were about to go in front of the official SM building with torches and pitchforks to demand SM to step up their game. To calm the situation down, our amigo SM must have thought: “Welp I sure fucked up. How the hell do I fix this? Wait, I have an idea! Let’s debut another girl group to cover up all the shit that has been piling up for years now!”

And your boi gone and did it. He basically debuted another group despite the number of problems he had to deal with already. This is every student ever, just make another problem to cover up the first one.

Red Velvet debuted with four members; Irene, Seulgi, Wendy and Joy. The “Happiness” music video got 2 million views in a day and was the most viewed kpop music video for the month of August in 2014. See, the queens already breaking records.

However, the original version of “Happiness” was full of controversial topics such as 9/11 being the most prominent one. This caused such hate to the girls that everyone started calling them “flops”. Lmao Red Velvet stays unbothered as the kpop act with the most Billboard charted albums bYE.

Some of you still may be wondering what the hell happened with Yeri. Well, because their debut was rushed and due to her age, Yeri, unfortunately, couldn’t debut with them. When Red Velvet debuted, Yeri was 15 years old so basically a child.

“bUt jiSUnG fROM ncT DreAM dEBuTed wHeN hE WAs onlY FoUrteEn”

Before, there was a law which stated that kids under the age of 16 couldn’t debut.

No need to worry fellow Yeri stans! Red Velvet only released another single called “Be Natural” before Yeri was officially added. The single featured NCT’s Taeyong on it too so if you are one of those fangirls, better go and check it out because your oppar is there + it is an underrated bop.

Yeri was added to the group during Ice Cream Cake era! Of course, many people hated her, acting as if Red Velvet released so many songs and solved world hunger without Yeri. Um, bitch they had two songs take a seat.

Discography and music in general lol

IT IS GOLD!1!!!!111!!

Okay listen, every single song of theirs makes me thot-drop in the middle of the goddamn school. Jesus Christ sunbaenim is shaking.

Albums: Ice Cream Cake, The Red, The Velvet, Russian Roulette, Rookie, The Red Summer, Perfect Velvet, The Perfect Red Velvet.

Queens of naming their albums don’t even @ me.

Listen to every single song if you want to cure your depression, clear your skin, feed your children and harvest your crops. Seriously, all of their b-sides are so amazing and such bops they are worth a listen and you, as a person who chose to stan Red Velvet, deserve to have your ears cleansed.

Another topic that I want to bring up is “the red concept” and “the velvet concept”. It is not complicated. Basically what it means is that they split their concepts into two. The red concepts are more upbeat, catchy and poppy songs such as Dumb Dumb, Rookie, Russian Roulette etc. However, the velvet concept is where they show their mature, more serious ballads. Songs that represent the velvet side are Automatic, One of These Nights, Peek-A-Boo etc.

They filmed 13 music videos so you are going to get attacked by visuals 13 times, good luck.

The members

The most interesting and fun part of this guide to be honest. So yeah, five members and five completely different personalities. Trust me, you’re gonna love every single one of these girls because they all have such amazing personalities and are extremely funny. Get abroad the homo express!

- Stage name: Irene

- Real name: Bae Joohyun

- Colour: Pink

- Position: Leader, Visual, Main Rapper, Lead Dancer, Vocal

- She really is a bae tho we love a powerful woman

- Born on March 29th, 1991; the eldest

- She literally looks five what the fuck

- tiny

- Takes pictures of everyone and everything so that she can stare at them while she does the laundry because she is such a mom

- “Shut the fuck up I am not a mom”

- A GODDESS PLUS TOP VISUAL OF THIS GENERATION NO PRINTER JUST FAX

- loves pussy

- Drinks men tears to stay hydrated

- Forgets names of her kids aka the rest of Red Velvet

- Snorts laundry detergent

- Talk shit get hit

- Silent but plotting world domination with her at the top

- Speaking of tops, she doms bYE

- She survived the World War II and was Stalin's deskmate when they were in the third grade

- xXButtLoverXx

- Likes winning. Who got to the finish line first? Her. Who travelled to space first? Her. Who found the cure for world hunger? Her.

- Actually very talented in everything she does and is a blessing to humanity

- Stage name: Seulgi

- Real name: Kang Seulgi

- Colour: Orange

- Position: Main Dancer, Lead Vocal

- Either as fluffy as a teddy bear or a fucking sex God there is no in between

- Born on February 10th, 1994; second eldest

- hER EYES MAKE ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY

- She, in general, makes me question my sexuality

- also tiny

- “Hello I am the 71st prettiest face in the world”

- First half of the “DD” also known as “Dumbass Duo”

- Someone help her she is lost in time and space

- The type of person to put a red sock to wash with the whites

- Is not capable of doing the splits because she dumb lmao

- How the fuck is one this confused???

- Gets bullied by her members a lot

- A sunshine in human form. You know that sun from the Teletubbies? That be Seulgi

- Her abs make me feel like Kylie Jenner, y’know... pregnant

- “If there’s no food I’m going home”

- THE number one fan of Beyonce™

- Pringles advocate

- She didn’t train for 7 years to have people shit talking her because she is multitalented and leaves people all around the world shooketh

- Stage name: Wendy

- Real name: Son Seungwan

- Colour: Blue

- Position: Main Vocal, English speaker

- Is also a HELLA good rapper

- Born on February 21st, 1994; third eldest

- Used to live in Toronto when she was younger, her English proceeds to give everyone a boner

- the tiniest out of all

- The kpop singer with the widest vocal range (this is an actual fact)

- “S H I N E O N M E”

- So caring it makes me bawl. She literally cooks for everyone and is so supportive it is truly beautiful

- Is actually the one behind the iconic “PARK SOOYOUNG! WHEN YOU SMILE I SMILE TOO”

- If she ever covers your song, you can say goodbye to it because it’s hers now

- A soccer mom

- Also that famous Kris Jenner “You’re doing amazing sweetie” meme

- Rescue her scalp someone pls

- Probably used “WHOMST” once in her lifetime unironically

- The gayest out of all the gays

- She is a boob person and also has a very nice butt Irene knows

- Once stacked a gazillion hats on top of her head because why the fuck not

- Is also a sexy pornstar ... no wait, I meant a “saxophonist”

- Is so beautiful and deserves all the love in this entire world but the world doesn’t deserve her at all

- Stage name: Joy

- Real name: Park Sooyoung

- Colour: Green

- Position: Lead Rapper, Lead Vocal, Mood-maker

- + an actress

- Born on September 3rd, 1996: fourth eldest

- Invented “cute” and “sexy” don’t fight me on this

- TALL (for a Red Velvet member lmfao)

- Has the prettiest profile, God took extra time in crafting such a masterpiece

- Speaking of God... God is real and in a form of Park Sooyoung

- Likes finer things in life such as herself

- If the song “Me Too” was a human, it would be her

- Ruthless

- When she gets scared her soul deadass leaves her body and it is hilarious

- A dramatic bitch

- HAS THE BEST BODY SORRY YALL CAN’T COMPETE

- Can get very angery

- Probably was kinkshamed by someone once

- Is having a mental breakdown at every waking moment

- “Can you stop I’m very sensitive”

- Tom to Yeri’s Jerry

- Just the most amazing human being, an all-rounder and a happy virus

- Stage name: Yeri

- Real name: Kim Yerim

- Colour: Purple

- Position: Maknae, Lead Rapper, Sub Dancer, Vocal, Songwriter

- Is being an absolute savage a talent?

- Born on March 5th, 1999; the youngest

- The other half of the “Dumbass Duo”

- So much sass is contained in this tiny human being

- Plans to take over SM soon one day

- HAS THE MOST CONTAGIOUS LAUGH IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND IT IS SO GENUINE I LOVE IT

- Likes pineapple on pizza cancelled

- The OG Sone

- A mess

- (ง •̀_•́)ง

- Not a big spoon nor a little spoon, she a knife

- Tries her best

- Knows everyone and everything; what a social butterfly it warms my heart

- Likes to read smut so all of you smut fanfiction writers, watch out, she is lurking

- SPEAKING OF LURKING

- She lowkey had a fan account that was all about Girl’s Generation

- A woman we all aspire to be

- Is an actual cinnamon roll that yes, could kill you but everyone loves her because she really improved a lot. WE WATCHED HER GROW UP INTO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN SHE IS NOW B L E S S

Popular ships, let’s play a game where you guess which two people are paired up (not like it is completely obvious)

SEULRENE

WENRENE

WENSEUL

JOYRI

YERENE

JOYGI

JOYDY

WENRI

SEULRI

Ending note

On a more serious note, Red Velvet is an amazing girl group that deserves so much more. I hope this at least got you to check them out. If not, your loss lol.

I could use a fuckton adjectives to describe their perfection but trust me, that ain’t enough.

Anyways, OT4 stans can fuck off, don’t comment on this post.

Just love all the girls and don’t point out their insecurities in a rude way mmkay?

This is all from me and I hope you enjoyed and that this helped you and maybe made you chuckle (maybe?)

If there is another question that you want me to answer, ask me because I would love to.

P.S. It doesn’t have to be Red Velvet related because I am trash that stans more groups than the number of bad jokes I made in this post.

Follow for more quality top-notch content.

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eight-legged-norsehorse · 6 years ago

Photo

I think about this a lot.

Everything about me has been defined by how masculine I perceived it to be, and I refused to accept the perceived “feminine” things til a man I respected proved to me it was okay.

I never liked dressing up. That was just who I was, but I continued to resent and scorn dressing “pretty” or “cute” well into late middle school or high school. I didn’t wear pink. I refused to do anything frilly. I resented it all for being “girly,” and no one even knew I was capable of being beautiful until semi formals rolled around, and then it was forgotten again til proms rolled around. Dressing up is for girls, and the only thing worse than being a girl is acting like one.

I refused to even admit that One Direction’s hit from my sophomore year of high school — “That’s What Makes You Beautiful,” was it? — was even catchy because it was a song by a boy band. Their fan base? Teen girls. And to me, that damned it forever, despite the fact that I did like the song and we sang it in choir more than once(though, being an alto, songs’ reputations regularly get tarnished). I hated that song because girls like it, and I’ve been trained that if it’s for girls, it is an object of ridicule. And other girls in my classes did express unironic, genuine love for the song — so why wouldn’t I? Because acting like a girl was the only thing worse than being a girl.

Being romantic was always an inherently girly thing, right? Girls watch romantic comedies and the like. It’s a genre. “Chick flicks.” And guys hate them, that’s the joke. They only put up with them to make their girls happy. Because girls like them, I couldn’t. Anything romantic was off the table — not because I’m asexual and only barely heteroromantic, but because the only thing worse than being a girl was acting like one.

In the end, a woman didn’t teach me that being a romantic is okay. Adam Young — the man responsible for Owl City — did.

When I read or hear the words “toxic masculinity,” the first thing that comes to mind is the perceived importance that men never, ever share their feelings unless they’re “strong” feelings like anger. I was prey to that too, because by attributing “soft” emotions like sadness or affection to girls, they because Very Bad Things to me. I never hugged my friends like other girls did. I never told them I loved them. I never talked about my feelings to anyone including my sister and parents. When in my junior year I was struggling very hard in school and emotionally it was very obvious because I was a living nightmare — I lashed out at everything and everyone because letting myself internalize the struggles and stresses of my mother’s surprise pregnancy, a false positive test that almost caused a divorce, and the mounting inability to keep up with everything was better than telling anyone what was wrong, including my parents. If I opened up and tried to confront any of it, I’d be vulnerable. Being vulnerable was for girls. And the only thing worse than being a girl was acting like one, and that nearly ruined my life.

I didn’t learn that being vulnerable is okay from a woman. Matthew Thiessen — a musician and family friend — taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable, because he was willing to be vulnerable. And to me, it was only okay because he could do it.

I refused to be interested in marine biology because it was “girly.”

I refused to like dolphins because they were “girly.”

The only interest I allowed myself in horses was barrel racing and poles, because at least western riding wasn’t about pretty ponies posing for a panel of judges to show off their pretty braided manes.

I didn’t play flute because it was “girly.”

I took pride in being an alto capable of singing tenor because it wasn’t as girly as soprano, and god, it kills me to wonder how far I could be now if I hadn’t been afraid of singing like a girl.

Even to this day I express myself nearly exclusively through a lens of masculinity. I tend to write a male-heavy cast when I write. I tend to create more male characters than female. When I play Dungeons and Dragons, I play nearly exclusively male characters, and rarely think twice about it. I explore romantic interest through that. I explore range of emotion through that. I explore what I’m allowed to be through male characters to this day.

So I don’t know, maybe this hits us harder than we realize sometimes. Maybe internalized mysogyny is a thing.

#ramblings

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fume-knight-of-shovelry · 8 years ago

Text

Overwatch Shipping Chart

Updated for Orisa!

More under the cut!

(For the larger sections I’m not going to add all of them b/c laziness. If I edit them in later I’ll remove this note).

My OTPS:

Genji/Mercy (Gency, Emergenji, Emergency): This is pretty obvious, huh?

Emily/Tracer (Emilena/Lemon Tea): It’s canon and what little we’ve seen so far indicates that it’s pretty cute and very healthy.

Torbjorn/His Wife (No ship name): It’s canon and dear lord, do we have ample evidence that Torbjorn adores her.

Ana/Canadad (No ship name): At this point I feel like there’s enough here. Anahardt will always have a place in my, well, Anaheardt, but it and Ana/Jack and Ana/Gabriel have been pretty much sunk in terms of the “Pharah’s dad” question. The Uprising spray pretty much was the biggest factor for me.

I Have No Problem With These:

Mercy/Roadhog (MercyHog): I unironically adore these two. Yes, most of it is due to my experience not killing Mercies that I hook (or, less frequently, not being killed my Roadhogs that hook me), but I can imagine some cute dynamics for them and have witnessed a few in fanart/fanfic/in game.

Ana/Reinhardt (Anahardt): Yes, Reinhardt is not Pharah’s father/Ana’s husband, but they still have some adorable interactions. And due to the ambiguity surrounding whether or not Pharah’s father knows that Ana is still alive, the idea that they could get together at their age is really cute.

Symmetra/Pharah (Symmarah): Yeah, it doesn’t have a lot of canon basis, but I’ve encountered enough cute fanart of them at this point that I can picture some of how they’d play off of each other, and the image I’ve been given so far has potential.

Bastion/Orisa (Oristion, I think?): Mostly due to imagining that they’d have the same sort of dynamic that Wall-E and EVE have, with Bastion as Wall-E and Orisa as EVE.

McCree/Hanzo (McHanzo): Like Symmarah, doesn’t have much of anything with regards to canon basis, but there’s enough good content of them that I don’t have a problem with it.

Junkrat/Symmetra (Junkmetra/Symmrat): Again, not a lot of canon ground for them to stand on, but the dichotomy is a solid foundation for some interesting interactions, if there’s not hostility.

Mercy/Soldier: 76 (Mom and Dad, Mercy76): The fanart pretty much speaks for this. I’m a sucker for certain good, meme-y pairings.

McCree/Mercy (McMercy): They’re a cute duo that recalls more than a few silly couples, like Han/Leia. The “gruff dude with coquettish/prim and proper lady” is the sort of thing I’ve seen a lot and have come to enjoy.

Zarya/Mei (ZaryMei): I still can’t conceive as to why this exists, but some people really like it, so I don’t have anything really against it.

Hanzo/Symmetra (Hanmetra, Symmhanzo): Credit to the fanartists for introducing me to this one. Though they don’t even interact in-game, they’ve got the same personality, the same sorts of problems, and I can’t help but think they’d adore each other.

Best Friends:

Genji and Zenyatta: Student and his therapist mentor is, by default, a friendship. And their dynamic in this fashion is ripe for some interesting psychology.

Lucio and D.Va: They canonically are fans of each other, at the least, which given their similar standing seems to naturally lead to friendship. Even if I enjoy Bunnyribbit, my initial view of them frames them more as a Brotp than romantic. I don’t have any issues either way, though.

Bastion and Orisa: Please Blizzard let them interact. Them being friends is obviously infinitely more likely than any sort of relationship, so I just want them to have some voice lines together.

Reaper, Sombra and Widowmaker: Even if she betrayed their goals in “Infiltration”, according to Michael Chu, she considers the other two friends. Whether or not it’s reciprocated is a more difficult question to answer, but I like to hope it’s at least one of the reasons they haven’t gotten rid of her.

Tracer and Lucio: Speedy buddies. And they joke around a lot, too.

Zarya and Reinhardt: Strong friends are best friends. And they arm wrestle, too!

Soldier: 76 and Ana: Considering that they’re hiding out together and were first and second in command back in the Overwatch days, this feels pretty strongly canon.

Roadhog and Junkrat: I know there are a lot of ways to interpret their relationship, but I honestly see their arguing as more friendly than truly hostile, given the positive interactions sprinkled between the nastiness.

Torbjorn and Reinhardt: This is canon. Reinhardt visits Torbjorn’s family for the holidays, and their interactions are all positive.

Ana and Torbjorn: I know that she gives him some grief, but at the end of the day they still feel like buddies given their time together.

Tracer and Mercy: Given the latter’s behavior during the Uprising mission, I’d say Mercy considers tracer a friend, and vice versa.

Not My Ship:

Pharah and Mercy: I think this should be perfectly clear. I have a few issues with the pairing itself, but really, the ship is not my primary reason for disliking it; it’s the people.

Reaper and Soldier: 76: I personally am not comfortable shipping two characters together who are so avowedly determined to kill each other and have attempted to do so on multiple occasions. Reyes and Morrison is a different story, but I still see things there that turn me away from that pairing (not as strongly as the first one).

Widowmaker and Tracer: Both Tracer and Widowmaker have canonical love interests (prior in Widowmaker‘s case, but she’s still clearly hung up on him). Besides this, the same issues that I have with Reaper and Soldier: 76 apply.

Genji and Zenyatta: I really, really prefer their student/teacher dynamic to any romantic one.

D.Va and Soldier: 76: I know D.Va is technically an adult, but the age difference here is a little too large for me to be comfortable with it. I try not to begrudge people who ship it.

Roadhog and Junkrat: The age difference rears its head again, but for me it’s mostly just because I much prefer to interpret them as “Bash Buddies” who swear and argue with each other a lot without being romantic.

Just Don’t:

Tracer and Men: Tracer is canonically lesbian.

Sombra and Katya Volskaya: Given that Sombra is blackmailing Katya Volskaya, and threatening Katya’s daughter, any romantic relationship between them would be sexual extortion on Sombra’s part.

Genji and Hanzo/Ana and Pharah: Incest.

Winston and any human character: I love Winston, but he’s a gorilla. A gorilla that’s more intelligent than most humans, but still a gorilla.

#my post #me #mine #overwatch #overwatch ship chart #gency #not gonna tag as other ships because too many

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romancevsreality-blog · 7 years ago

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the bachelorette, season fourteen, episode seven: i dolphinately know these people are the worst

Guess what? The Bahamas? A great place to fall in love. Also, a great place to get some tourist promotional consideration, of course! Great job, Bahamian Tourism Bureau.

Becca’s ready to get her dates started because really, next week is hometowns, and then she’s ready to get down with the fuckings. She sits down with the actual reason that No Man’s Land exists, Chris Harrison, to discuss her hopes and dreams going forward in the Bahamas. She just wants to relax and have some romance. Becca’s convinced this is all working for her, and she’s falling for a couple guys there.

What I don’t understand is why she’s wearing a cool-toned smoky-eye at what can only be 10:00 AM. Honestly, their makeup artist is the devil. Her outfit - a black tank top and a sarong - does not warrant a grey smoky eye. At least she’s not wearing the hyper-aggressive lashes for once.

Becca’s nervous this week because she knows what a big deal it is to meet someone’s family, so the guys she picks this week are The Real Deal. Back with the guys, Colton’s talking about how he hasn’t really brought anyone home to meet his family, and this is a huge deal. My Boyfriend Wills feels the pressure in his cheetah print shirt. He looks so fly. I love him so much. Come home, sweetie.

Becca comes in one of those dresses you get at Marshalls that you put your legs in and discover it’s a romper and you’re massively disappointed and wanting to sue whoever came up with this concept, but it’s pink and his pirate sleeves. Honestly, I wish they would set the makeup artist and the stylist for this show up on a two-on-one and abandon them both in Death Valley. She reveals this week has no rose ceremony - just three one-on-one dates and a group date, and two of them are dolphinately getting the kaput.1

And they’re starting right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colton gets the first one-on-one, and all the guys are palatably pissed. Everyone thought it was going to be alumni of NYU Tisch School of the Arts, Miles Teller/Blake, no one expected Colton to be the one with the one-on-one today. Oh, and this is when we find out that Colton’s a virgin, and he’s the one who has the most hidden away from Becca. All the guys are debating whether or not he’s going to reveal it to her, but they don’t think Becca’s going to want to take on the huge impact of him being a virgin.

Becca wants to fuck the shit out of him regardless, though. She’s dickmatized by him. Becca wants to climb Colton like a tree. She feels so strongly with Colton and has chemistry with him and if he wanted, he could have his way with her. Again: She wants to bone him. Why, when he literally should be cast as the live-action Crimson Chin from Fairly OddParents. We see them do an unironic “I’m the king of the world” from Titanic and make out on a catamaran. Literally, we don’t see them talk, we just see them making out. What a deep relationship, this is James Joyceian right here.

Colton tells Becca he doesn’t have the “most experience” when it comes to dating, and then they’re interrupted by a man with dreadlocks on a bright yellow paddleboat comes to board the boat and tell them they’re going to get some conch. Cue conch jokes, and how the “pistol” of the conch is Bahamian Viagra, apparently. They go and catch some conch, and Colton is horrified. I bet Colton doesn’t eat seafood. He seems like that kind of monster.

Becca and Colton go to not eat dinner and she’s far more dressed up than he is2, and Becca’s like, “oh, Colton has a rose, he’d have to literally murder a baby in front of me to not get a rose tonight.” Then Colton lifts up a dead baby and smiles at her but you would never know because he’s always fucking smiling - I mean, he tells Becca that he’s rather inexperienced in dating because he’s a Sports Guy who does Sports and didn’t have time to get to banging. He’s a virgin because he was too busy doing sports.

Becca’s glad Colton told her, of course, but it is a little unnerving. She gets up from the table, and anyone who knows anything about editing knows this is just some producer garbage to imply that she isn’t really okay with it. I’m not analyzing that any deeper than that, sorry. But Colton’s concerned because he doesn’t know what’s going through her brain. Back at the hotel, Blake and Garrett are essentially making the point that at this point, yeah, it could be a dealbreaker. This show results in someone getting engaged at the end, and the Fanty Sweetz are a big part of the deciding factor. Physical chemistry is important in a romantic relationship and really can make or break a couple’s compatibility3.

We find that Colton, a twenty-six-year-old virgin, made up stories in the locker room about who he was in order to protect himself from scrutiny, and he plays this like it’s some eternal struggle. It’s not a marriage thing for him, really - at this point, he just wants to find someone’s in love with. Well, at least there’s that for Becca.

Colton gets a rose. Barf.

Back at the hotel,

THERE’S A DATE CAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s for Garrett, and Blake’s CRUSHED. It’s fine, Blake, you’re Mister Fantastic!

Colton comes back to a room with literally no air in it, and he’s thrilled but no one else is for him. Meanwhile, Blake is entirely in his head, having a meltdown. He needs to have a one-on-one or else he’s going to freak out.

Garrett and Becca meet, and her dress is too short for a shirt-dress. And that’s coming from me, so that’s saying a lot. They’re going island hopping by seaplane, and of course, the plane takes them across the hotel balcony to salt the wounds of Andrew Keegan and Miles Teller.

The two of them galavant along the beach and Becca feels like it’s just the two of them on earth. Okay, this man is going to win. She just seems to enjoy her time with him and we see some natural actions out of her, which is interesting because this entire season she’s done a great job of being aware of the cameras. She commends him for not getting discouraged or for ever being down in the dumps during his time there, and he says he’s serious about the entire endeavor but he’s trying to stay positive.

Back at the hotel, BLAKE IS STILL FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!4 If he doesn’t get a one-on-one this week, he’s going to jump from a bridge.

Well good, because IT’S HIS DAAAAAAATEEEEEE CAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At dinner with Garrett and Becca, the stylist who should have been left in Death Valley put Becca in the strangest one-shoulder-shoulderless white gown. Becca would be the first girl to come home to Garrett’s family since his ex-wife, so that’s a major deal. Becca asks why he wanted to settle down so quickly, and the basic gist is that he found the first girl he could be serious with straight out of college, hoped and prayed that the red flags he saw would change colors, and when they didn’t, he tried to change himself to fit the situation rather than give up.

The discussion turns to their engagements - his successful, hers a failure - and that they both have a lot to work on, but Garrett’s more willing to call out potential red flags than he was before. He’s falling in love with Becca, and Becca is teary-eyed, she’s so happy.

Garrett is going to win this show, and he gets a rose.

Garrett loves Becca because she’s “bubbly, giggly, and cute”, which… isn’t the foundation of a relationship, but what do I know? I’m single. They go for a night swim on the beach and make out in the ocean.

The next day, Blake is a ball of anxiety. He literally cannot get out of his head the idea that Becca might have a deeper relationship with one of the other guys over him, and he needs the day to prove to her how he’s feeling. Considering his first one-on-one was the first week of this show, I totally understand his anxiousness. But also, getting a one-on-one this week? Blake, you’re fine. Just tell her you want to fuck her a lot.

THEN WE HEAR WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????????????

IN 2018??????????????????????

We’re at a beach party with the Baha Men??????????????????????

Becca is wearing cargo pants? Everything is awful. Also, this is when we learn that Blake is a great dancer and I… have a crush on Blake. Oh no. OH NO. I do not LIKE THIS. This is a sign of how dire my romantic prospects are, falling for a guy on a reality show who dances well to the Baha Men is now my standard.

They go and sit on the beach, and this is when I know Becca’s super into Blake because she actually apologizes for the grief he’s gone through over the last few days. Blake’s friends with Channing Tatum, I don’t get it. Blake admits that he’s been questioning how Becca feels about him simply because of the lack of one-on-one time with her, and Becca tells him that she now understands how Arie fell for multiple people when he was the lead5. It doesn’t help Blake at all. He’s literally crestfallen at the idea that she could have feelings for multiple men. Meanwhile, Becca admits her feelings for Blake are the strongest but she also felt the need to be honest with him because she also has feelings for other people.

At the hotel, there’s a

DAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTEEEEEEEE CCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

My Boyfriend Wills, Leo, and Jason are all hoping that Blake somehow fucks it up today and gets sent home so they have a higher chance of making it to hometowns.

At the dinner they’re not going to eat with Blake and Becca, Becca’s wearing a gorgeous navy gown and I am living. Finally. FINALLY. Why didn’t we do this before?! Oh, and this is when we find out Blake’s messy, Ryan Murphy-scripted life. The reason why he’s kind of closed off because his family was very private and brushed things under the rug. Oh, and his mom cheated on his dad with his high school English teacher and basketball coach.

What in the Jason Katims realness?!

Blake’s family was the talk of the town, even finding out that his mom moved out not from his parents, but from the community.

As someone also from a very private, sweeping things under the rug family, I’M NOT CRYING. I mean, don’t go yelling my business up and down these streets, but Blake talking about wanting a family that communicates and isn’t private is at least a realistic goal. Blake is more open and communicative with her than he has been with anyone else, and Becca finds that communication to be attractive. I agree, Becca. Dudes talking about their feelings? Yas, honey. Blake takes the time to tell Becca that yes, he is in love with her, and Becca is Over The Moon.

Blake gets the rose, and they make out, and as much as I know Garrett is going to win, oh man.

Is Blake going to win?

Blake and Becca are on the same page, and Becca can’t tell him that she’s in love with him just yet. Ooh, girl. The DRAMA.

And it’s time for the three-on-one. Leo, My Boyfriend Wills, and Andrew Keegan are going on this season’s volleyball date because this show has a budget of $7. We hear Becca gush over all three of the individual guys and honestly, going in, it really does seem like Becca likes My Boyfriend Wills the most. My Boyfriend Wills and Becca take a moment, and Wills admits the reason he’s been so anxious that week is simply because of how much he wants Becca to meet his parents, who have been married almost 50 years. How the hell old is My Boyfriend Wills? Becca talks about how similar Wills and Becca are purely in their foundations. This has been the longest My Boyfriend Wills has gone without seeing his parents, and I swoon.

Also, his floral print shirt? FLY. He IS SO FLY!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Keegan takes a great approach - he talks about their similarities, and he’s fighting for what Could Be In The Future as a motivator. He’s so ready for what they’re going to be.

Meanwhile, Leo says my favorite thing of the season - “A lot of these guys can give her a big house, a great lifestyle. I can give her love.” I hate stupid shit like that but I also swoon so hard over stupid shit like that. Leo knows his relationship with Becca isn’t the same as the others and asks her if they're in the same place as she is with the others by virtue of time. He says he might need more time to get on one knee and ask her to marry him, and he’s going to need a hometown date to be sure, and while yes, in the real world, that makes sense, it’s a red flag here. Becca doesn’t have the time to hope and pray that hometown dates propel their relationship forward.

She doesn’t think it’s fair to go home with Leo to his family, and Leo’s being abandoned on the beach forever. He’s even so sweet as to wave as the guys drive away by boat and he’s alone on the beach.

See ya in Paradise, Leo.

Becca comes to the dinner no one is going to eat with Andrew Keegan and My Boyfriend Wills wearing a PINK BODYCON DRESS AND SHE LOOKS AMAZING. Finally, they’re not shoving her in sequins. This is what she should be wearing, JESUS. Becca thanks the guys for being so honest and good with her throughout the day and they’re moving forward. Her first personal time is with Andrew Keegan, to ask if he has any reservations about her coming home with him. Becca’s nervous because Jason’s been closed off and the other guys have been more open about how they feel towards her.

Read: Tell Her You Love Her, Dumbass.

Jason doesn’t, but he wants her to know he’s going to be vulnerable and truthful and honest and he just wants to give her the real answers she needs in due time.

My Boyfriend Wills is wearing another patterned shirt and makes out with Becca for a while. Wills tells Becca that she makes him believe in love, and a future, and a family, and hope, and kindness, and happiness, and all the adjectives you want to feel when you’re in love. Becca makes him want to be a great man, and every day he’s falling more and more in love with her. He doesn’t have a doubt in his mind that he loves Becca, and has a feeling she might love him too. This is why My Boyfriend Wills is My Boyfriend Wills, y’all.

The two men are forced to stare each other down over the last rose at the after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after party, and Becca admits this is the hardest role she’s had to give all season. She takes hometowns seriously and knows what a major decision this is, which is why Andrew Keegan is the one winning out in the end.

My Boyfriend Wills looks fucking crushed. Like, head to his chest, George Michael Bluth depressed.

Becca Walks Him Out and tells him that she just wasn’t where he was romantically. She’s so sorry, but she didn’t want to bring his family into the whole gig. She thanks him for everything, and I hate how sad she seems to be because I’m sad and My Boyfriend Wills is sad. His limo exit is tragic - he wasn’t ready to go home, he liked being there, he thought they were on the same page. He’s sad he’s not Becca’s person like he hoped he could be. He’s sobbing and asks to get out of the limo so he can have a moment to stand by the side of the road and cry.

Damn. Who would have thought The Bachelorette would come at us like this?

Next Week: Hometown week! Meeting potential in-laws! Family is important to Becca, and Colton’s probably going to be a hot dad. Jason’s mom doesn't think Becca’s that Into Him. Both of Blake’s parents are nervous. Garrett’s parents are skeptical and someone’s sibling doesn’t want Becca to pick him just to spare him the heartbreak. And then - a group girl time turns into Tia talking to Becca, and she’s sick to her stomach about something. Probably the fact that she’s still NOT the Bachelorette.

See you next week!

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Somehow this has simultaneously been the longest season and the shortest season ever, right?

If Colton is The Bachelor I will KILL myself.

Give Jordan the stylist job, he’d be so good at it.

I hope Garrett and Becca banged in the ocean like Ben and Courtney.

Again, I do commend Becca for giving the top 6 each a one-on-one before giving anyone else their second one-on-one. Fairness is good.

I am so jealous of Becca’s ribcage.

I’m going to miss Leo’s hairography this season.

Becca loooooves making out in a guy’s arms. I don’t think he knows a single thing about any of these men.

I literally look so good in My Boyfriend Wills’s clothes, y’all.

Leo is a given, right? He's the guy who lucked into the top 6. ↩︎

Is there stock in sequin dresses I can buy? Like, do I need to make an investment in sequins because Becca is literally only dressed in sequin gowns or The Worst of Anthropologie. ↩︎

Do I think I could be in a relationship with someone who was a virgin? I don’t know. I mean, on one hand, you get to start with a blank slate and mold that person into your sexual ideal, but also, there are a lot of things to keep in mind when it comes to that kind of thing… primarily, consent. It’s kind of a bizarre power dynamic, right? I don’t think I could do it. One’s sexual identity is key to who they are, and I don’t know if I necessarily could be attracted to someone who didn’t know theirs. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

I loved Blake being like, “She knows what I’m going through right now,” and I understand he means in the Bachelor Experience, but I dolphinately was hoping the producers were just making Becca watch b-roll of Blake freaking out. ↩︎

Becca, you may be boring, but you’re not that boring. ↩︎

#the bachelorette #yes i know this recap is late #but at least you got it #we're here!!!!#hairography #arrested development

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moviessilently · 8 years ago

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When a railroad paymaster and the $25,000 in cash he was carrying disappear, returning WWI ace Billy Stokes is put on the case. This independent feature has an all African-American cast and is the only complete surviving feature of the Norman Film Manufacturing Company, a Florida-based studio that specialized in so-called race films.

Home Media Availability: Released on DVD and Bluray.

Up, up and away. Ish.

Richard E. Norman is not a household name these days but he left his mark on motion picture history. Like so many filmmakers operating outside the studio system, Norman tried various approaches until he found one that worked. He started with “home talent” pictures—that is, films shot by itinerant filmmakers in smaller cities and towns that made use of non-professional local talent (you can read my review of one such picture, The Lumberjack, here) but then discovered his niche in making films aimed at African-American audiences.

Poster for the film touting its cast.

Norman was a white Southerner but he did not seek to include the sort of insulting, dangerous, condescending stereotypes that D.W. Griffith was spreading in his films. Black audiences of the day were sick and tired of seeing white performers in blackface acting like monsters, fools or infants; they wanted to see themselves as they really were. There was a strong demand for positive African-American pictures and Norman sought to fill that demand. The Flying Ace is the only extant Norman film and it was the second-to-last feature he made. Like so many independent concerns, the cost of converting to sound proved to be a fatal blow.

Movies were mad for airplanes and Norman aimed to join the fad.

(If you would like more detail on Norman’s life, career and place in African-American film history, I recommend Richard E. Norman and Race Filmmaking by Barbara Tepa Lupack, which traces Norman’s career through personal correspondence and shooting scripts.)

The story opens with three disparate men standing outside a railroad station. Finley Tucker (Harold Platts) is a local sheik with a mysterious source of income, Dr. Maynard (Sam Jordan) is a respectable dentist and Jed Splivins (Lyons Daniels) is the buffoonish local constable. The trio observes the arrival of Blair Kimball (Boise De Legge), the railroad paymaster.

A dentist, a cop and a sheik walk into a speakeasy…

It seems that Kimball has decided to deliver the payroll early. Because no one will be expecting him, he has left his guards behind and is carrying $25,000 in cash all alone. Kimball waits for the next train with stationmaster Thomas Sawtelle (George Colvin).

The stationmaster has a charming daughter, Ruth (Kathryn Boyd), and she is just crazy about airplanes and flying. Tucker has been courting her and he offers to take her up in his plane but nefarious deeds go down while she is home changing into her flight suit.

He wants to get serious but she’s having none of it.

Sawtelle is knocked out by some mysterious substance and both Kimball and the cash disappear. This looks like a job for… Captain Billy Stokes (Laurence Criner)!

Stokes is an ace pilot who has just arrived back home from service in the First World War. Before the war, he was a railway detective and his old job is open to him; he heads over to Sawtelle’s station with orders to solve the mystery. He is assisted by engineer Peg (Steve Reynolds), a fellow veteran who lost a leg in the war. (Reynolds really was an amputee and his ability to still move with balletic grace was a popular feature of his stage show. It’s refreshing to see a disabled part played by a disabled performer, something that modern Hollywood would do well to learn.)

A decidedly unimpressed Stokes.

Stokes asks Peg to disguise himself as a hobo and reconnoiter the situation. Meanwhile, Stokes takes the more direct approach and introduces himself to Sawtelle as the railway detective on the case. Ruth is interested in the dashing pilot while Tucker tries his best to use reverse psychology to throw the blame on Sawtelle. You see, this is not really a whodunit as the film makes it very clear that the money was stolen by Tucker, Dr. Maynard and Jed. The fun is watching Stokes and Peg unravel the clues with tidy efficiency. These fellows are great at what they do!

Impossible in the real world but this is the movies!

The story of The Flying Ace can be viewed as existing in an alternate 1920s, one that contains no white characters, no racism and absolutely no content that would have been considered political (interracial romance, passing, Jim Crow, and so forth). Norman chose to avoid overt political statements in his films (and complained when other filmmakers, such as Oscar Micheaux, did) and instead sidestepped the topic entirely by attempting to portray aspirational African-American characters, heroes and heroines who would never have been allowed within a hundred yards of a mainstream Hollywood production. Captain Stokes certainly would not have been able to earn the title of ace in the heavily segregated U.S. military of WWI. Norman’s approach has been variously described as utopian, savvy and cowardly. Perhaps it was touches of all three.

Stokes knows his stuff.

Now we will compare The Flying Ace to other mystery/adventure productions of the time and see how it holds up in direct competition. First, the bad news.

When viewing any independent silent production, there are usually a few pitfalls to watch out for. In order to save money, low-budget films would often use an enormous number of title cards—it was cheaper to write more cards than to shoot more movie. The Flying Ace uses this trick with cards here, cards there, enough cards to open a casino. They also lack the professional snap of Hollywood intertitles and instead have stiff, formal sentences with plenty of semicolons and an honest to goodness, unironic use of the “I have you now, my beauty!” chestnut. Oh my. Further, there are clunky moments of exposition, like when the film screeches to a halt so that Tucker can show Ruth the mechanical workings of an airplane.

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While the title cards are about as poor a lot as I have ever seen, I am delighted to report that the actual plotting of the film is excellent, if hardly original. Far too many movie mysteries of the period would force their investigators to be stumped by a puzzle that the audience solved an hour before. For example, many mystery films would have had Stokes fret about just how Sawtelle was knocked out, stretching it out for a big reveal. Meanwhile, the audience is shouting, “The dentist! He has all kinds of drugs! The dentist!” Well, Stokes walks in, figures out that drugs were used on Sawtelle, finds a small vial on the floor, meets Dr. Maynard and puts it all together. It’s highly satisfying to watch a detective keep pace with the audience and even get ahead of us.

Don’t take your eyes off Jed!

I was also a bit worried about the characters of Peg and Jed as they are both introduced as broad comedy stereotypes. While this is not entirely done away with, both prove to have more depth than I expected. Peg is shown to be a clever gadgeteer who can innovate new uses for his crutch on the fly and ends up capturing two villains single-handed. Jed soon shows that his Keystone Cop routine is all an act and he proves to be the wiliest of the conspirators with his concealed handcuff key and trusty pistol. I would have preferred the dialect title cards to have been eliminated but at least the characters have some dimension to them.

Peg and his versatile crutch.

Norman had been in talks with Captain Edison McVey, a pilot who billed himself as the King of Stunts, and with famed aviatrix Bessie Coleman. However, McVey pulled out of negotiations and Coleman was killed in an accident before a deal could be closed. Norman finally cast a group of experienced stage actors to serve as the lead performers in the film.

A real charmer!

Without a doubt, the standout of the cast is Kathryn Boyd, who is a perfect charmer as Ruth. With her cute body language and infectious smile, she is exactly what the doctor ordered for a 1920s heroine: sporty, sweet, flirty and loyal. Laurence Criner (Boyd’s real-life husband according to Lupack) is fine if a bit stiff as Stokes, the two-fisted railway detective. He certainly throws himself into the fight scene with Harold Platts, which is always appreciated.

That’s gotta hurt!

Good though the cast turned out to be, the loss of experienced pilots meant that Norman’s options were limited. (Assuming he ever had the budget to include much airplane stuff, which is doubtful.) The Flying Ace rather famously shows no flying. Tucker and Stokes both taxi their planes around the airfield and then we are shown closeups of the cockpits against a sky backdrop but very few shots of planes in the air. It’s not really a dealbreaker but it’s another element that exposes the picture’s micro budget.

Totally up in the air.

In fact, Peg’s pursuit the villains on bicycle is far more dynamic than any of the airplane stuff. He peddles with his crutch and once he gets a good speed built up, he fires at the fleeing car with the gun he has concealed inside that same crutch. It’s exciting and the scene is unusually well-shot and edited for a budget picture. Great work there!

All in all, The Flying Ace is a fine bit of unpretentious silent entertainment and even without its historical importance, it works as a diverting detective yarn. This is a must-see for nerds and casual fans alike.

Where can I see it?

The Flying Ace was released on DVD and Bluray as part of the Pioneers of African-American Cinema box set. It’s accompanied by a fine score performed by the Mont Alto Motion Picture Orchestra.

The Flying Ace (1926) A Silent Film Review When a railroad paymaster and the $25,000 in cash he was carrying disappear, returning WWI ace Billy Stokes is put on the case.

#1926 #African American Cinema #Crime #George Colvin #Kathryn Boyd #Laurence Criner #Richard E Norman #Steve Reynolds

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doublenegation · 6 years ago

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Too Early

Being too early in a night club feels like dying young. You can see the whole thing stretching ahead of you, all the things yet undone sort of fading in a distance you will never reach.

Only young men seem to go early, stuck somewhere between the cloak room and the toilet, struggling for what was it again? The night is still young. Too young, like it will go on forever until suddenly it no longer does, and here you are -- stuck waiting for something, anything to happen.

There's a faux arcade machine in the corner, lonely and not exactly retro -- I might be the only person in the room who knows what it fails to properly reference, 90s rave aesthetic weirdly displaced by an 80s that never was, begging for change, any change, loose change, admonishing responsible drinking while sporting that accursed deer mascot, rendered unlovingly in a wireframe aesthetic that never was, unartfully ripping off that drag-and-release mechanic killed by ludic literacy and a terrible tendency towards complexity but lacking any understanding of what it's for.

Very videogame. Like a real videogame (made by love, with love), it doesn't know what it is except perfunctory and limited, potential delimited by a marketing budget and ... zero ambition? It feels unfair to judge, I'm sure the good kids at Chloroplast Games with their weak blob logo would have preferred to excel, to push a boundary or two.

But here it is, in a corner, across from the bar, most likely unseen by anyone but those who miss the bathroom queue, make a right too early, find themselves in an alcove populated only by that herbal alcohol mascot and their own misunderstanding.

I suppose part of my ennui stems from going to a rock'n'roll club an hour too early. I should have learned by now -- the party is at least half an hour away, maybe an hour even! And rock? Do I even listen to rock unironically? Am I in a position to judge this scene as anything but maybe something I missed out on ten years ago?

Hard to tell, I suppose I ended up here because the other place was shut and this seemed to have, well, open doors and some people. Maybe it was the girl who briefly held my gaze before her boyfriend arrived and pulled her back to reality?

She might have preemptively lied to me, suggested an impossible connection or at least given my half-drunk mind the illusion of one, her gaze a reminder of what I need but don't know how to get in this strange city with its strange people and strange ways.

I mean, this is just playacting anyway -- I'm not really out tonight, I'm just investing in a potential future, seeing what's up, how it's hanging, so I'll get to sleep okay tonight and not lie awake staring at the ceiling waiting for sweet nothing to embrace me so another day can promise me things it can't keep.

There's supposed to be a dance floor, but it's empty. I paid to access this emptiness -- a pittance to be sure, but it still obligates me to try, I guess, to pretend like I'm out and about; seeing town when I'm really just waiting for tomorrow, the real deal, a potentially chance date with a hairdresser who thinks it's funny she can't pronounce my name.

It's nearly as expensive too. A quarter hour of work to spend what, a couple of hours in this cellar with its post-rock and empty dance floor and cockroach I just stepped on because my peripheral vision is way acute and I can't help myself.

Tomorrow is the real deal, the real illusion, the current fantasy, the affirmation that I'm doing something other than typing out future blog posts on my phone in this cellar on this park bench as far as I can get from that Jägermeister fauxcade game only I can put in its proper cultural context.

We're 30 minutes into the cellar life and there is still hardly anyone here, meaning my initial assumption is wrong -- there's no life after midnight. It happens at some witching hour yet to pass, one I might not even get to see before I decide I've had enough and go home to find that sweet bedtime I've lied about wanting to avoid, like I've lied to myself about the severe blonde at the bar looking at me, like I've lied to myself about maybe being in the mood for rock'n'roll.

Turns out my gut feeling is true -- rock'n'roll is a state of mind divorced from the presence of that cultural touchstone rock'n'roll. If I like rock'n'roll, it's because I like that confidence and that swagger and that noise and not because I strictly enjoy real guitars and real drums.

The other people literally just left, which lends me courage to stay just a little longer to see what they will miss, if anything. I like the idea of exclusively witnessing potential lost to others. It's my inner hipster god justifying itself -- to boldly go where no man thinks there's any fun to be had, to hope that the DJ is not as lonely as me, on this early November night in a city I don't know.

Hey, worst case I have produced my most spontaneous piece of prose in whoa, a long time, wrapped in my language, a critical language, one that is knowing and distant in lieu of knowledge and distance, wrought under the very limited auspices of autocorrect. And it only cost me a fraction of the expensive alcohol I bought as soon as my invoice was reimbursed this very afternoon, the sweet Mammon I've waited for all week, months worth of rent and -- well, this.

I might be too advanced for this chance experience. I might need something less haphazard, something I know I want instead of something I maybe think I need. Healthy, though -- I have chosen to be disappointed in an effort to discover myself.

The DJ is doing good. Maybe because it's empty. He's wringing out some noise I haven't heard before, like he's loving it despite being unheard -- maybe because he's unheard by anyone but me here on my park bench that doesn't belong here in this place I don't know.

Once upon a time I would have paid for two people to nearly enjoy this emptiness but now I only spent what, one percent of my monthly fun-budget having this epiphany, this realisation that you can't win 'em all but you can reflect very, very eloquently on that belated epiphany, that sudden realisation that your princess is in another castle.

A couple just stumbled into the cellar. They are ... well, nearly gone again. They are not sitting down to write essays and reflect upon the empty dance floor. They went towards the toilets (or maybe the fauxcade machine, my view from here is limited) and then vanished.

No, this is just a trial run, a ... premature anti-climax, a preemptive disappointment before tomorrow's big whatever, the real club night where maybe I'll find my hairdresser in the crowd and we will kiss desperately because we're no longer young and want some beauty while we can still offer some of our own.

I will be on drugs and I will listen to music more suited to my state of mind, to my ironic distance, nothing as forceful as rock or whatever this undead amalgam should be called. I will lose myself even if it's not to her.

The couple found the benches too. I suppose that is the death-knell, the final proof that I am not an outsider here as I touchscreen-type this little screed. I am just ahead of my time, settling into the non-event I could see not unfolding before me even hours ago, even before I left my new home to find something new, something I'm not bored by or angry at yet.

They are smiling and laughing. They have, like me, paid to be here and like me they are making the most of their bad investment, listening to the really quite great music and trying to ignore the fact no-one else is.

Entrance came with a free drink. I should go to the bathroom then claim it and have a cigarette. Maybe I will emerge to find the dance floor filled. Or maybe I will sow the seeds of that throat cancer I so desperately hope won't eat my voice before I get famous.

Either way, the new me is yielding something, rock'n'roller or not. This is something. This would not have happened just a week ago, and the price is very, very low compared to the cost of all those empty moments I have wasted these last few years.

Love is a lonely thing, and the more time I spend alone the more I come to understand, accept and -- yes -- kind of relish in it. The couple are talking over the loud music and I am typing this on the world's worst typewriter as I bury my rock'n'roll persona and head past the advergame, past the empty dance floor, towards the toilets so I can emerge and provoke that cancer I hope will pass me by and grab someone else by the throat so I can live forever.

Hey, unlike the DJ, I am free to leave. And in the grand scheme of things, I am paid more for my time here than he is.

On my way out, I stop for that smoke. A cute Italian girl asks me whether there’s anyone dancing downstairs. I let her know it’s dead. She’s disappointed, since she wants something -- anything -- but reggaeton. I argue in favour of reggaeton, my contrarian streak flaring up like a shooting star, and she thinks I’m funny.

I leave, and I get all the way home (which is only a ten minute walk, granted) before I realize I am drunk and I am not sleepy, and I decide fuck it, I might as well stay out. I head back.

She’s not there anymore. I convince myself this was just a trial run. Tomorrow is hairdresser day, and I need to be awake, alert and in a party mood for that. I am only half-convinced, but really -- I don’t have much else to believe in. So I live and I learn. And I won’t go out too early again. Except maybe tomorrow because I wanna be there before the place fills up so I can spot her or she can spot me and I can say hi, I’m here, just like I said I would be, and she will smile and it will be like tonight never happened.

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