#uni dropout diary

[weraceasone]

dropping out of uni is such an interesting experience because you go from being depressed and feeling like a failure to being like i’m free!!!! i can do whatever i want!!! nothing can hold me back!!! in like three seconds

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

You Are Now Entering Suddence

MG contemporary sci-fi

about an 11yo fleeing toward a town called Suddence, after being separated from their caregiver who they were on the run with

they run into a uni dropout at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere and convince her to drive them there, but are still being pursued by people who want to hurt them for their superpowers

follows present & past timelines (the latter through diary entries, with illustrations)

grief & healing

[thedyslexicstudyblr-blog1]

Day 1/Week 1

22nd Oct 2020

so .....  6 years after I first created a tumblr account I’m finally making a studyblr, despite not actually being in any formal form of education. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to be doing in my future but even if I never partake in further education again I want to start using my brain again and I want to finally understand how my brain actually works. So that is the basis of the journey I’m on I guess.

The name of this blog comes from the fact I’m dyslexic (and dyspraxic),however like many people I didn’t recieve a diagnosis until I was older, and at which point I was so far behind in Uni that I decided to prioritise my mental well being and dropout over a year and a half ago. I don’t need to go much further into depth about this right now but I’m writing this sort of as a mini diary entry, a refresher for myself you can call.

I’ve created this blog to hold myself accountable to the things I want to achieve, to set reasonable goals for myself and to be inspired by others.

So the first set of Goals for my blog ..... where to start.

well since I’m creating this blog on the Thursday I am going to go easy on myself and just set goals for through to Sunday so I can start properly on Monday,not all of these goals are going to be about studying. some are just things I need to sort out.

1. Do a short course from the Open University.

I had been doing a longer study skills one, however I became bored with it month’s ago and forgot about it. If I do a short course that I know I can complete in a few hours that is on a different topic it might reinspire me to finish that course. I was almost done with it which is a problem I often have, I’ll mostly do something and then give up by the end.

2. Respond to my local ADHD center to confirm my appointment.

After like 11 months I finally recieved a letter with a date for my (online) consulation. It was recommended in the report for my Dyslexia/Dyspraxia test that I recieve further testing to see whether I have ADHD. I should respond tommorow so that I know it’s out of the way.

Other than that I really can’t think of any short term goals for sunday. My mind’s kind of blank.

However I do just have some general things that need to get done.

1. Reread Girls with Guns and make notes on it.

This is a book I took out from the library pre covid. The overdue fees were halted during lockdown but libraries have been open since June/July. I have 4 books to return but I kept putting it off as I wanted to reread this book. I just need to sit down and fucking do it.

After that I should make a list of the books I want to read that I actually have in my house so that I can make progress with them.

I’m not exactly sure how to end this post but bye myself? I guess?

I believe in you and I love you

Amanda xxx

[asecretsummer-rpg]

Name: Brittany Fletcher Age: 29 Sexuality: Homosexual Gender: Female Portrayed By: Alicia Vikander Availability: Closed

"This place is a creepy fuckin’ deathtrap. We should burn it to the ground.”

→ Background

Brittany moved to Baberton when she was fifteen and she was furious about it. Yes, she had cousins who lived here but her parents uprooted her entire life because apparently everything was always about her brother Ryan. The damn Golden Child. Brittany had had lots of friends and was doing great in the expensive private school she attended... but when she was moved to Baberton, it was all downhill from there. Her family was very rich and her parents had the tendency to be hardasses. Brittany used to go along with whatever they said at first but when she moved to this town and had to start over, be the new girl, she stopped listening. She started wearing black clothes and experimented with dark makeup, she dyed her hair all sorts of bright and inappropriate colours, she skipped school and started smoking... her parents were terrified that she would end up pregnant or, God forbid, a school dropout.

They soon sent Brittany away to an all girls boarding school, before she even really had the chance to make many friends or plant many roots in Baberton. She did hang out with a few people for the time she was here but she was never able to make any real, proper connections. Though these were still people she saw during school breaks when she would come home. Boarding school wasn’t something Brittany liked. At all. She wasn’t allowed to wear makeup or have cool coloured hair, she was reprimanded for smoking constantly, and there were no boys - shock, horror. This was one area where her parents and everyone around her fucked up because Brittany had never really been interested in boys, but girls... God, girls were heaven, and she experimented plenty in the bathroom stalls and supply closets and unlocked dorm rooms, just for the thrill of it. Hey... at least her parents were right about something. At least she wasn’t going to end up pregnant during her rebellion.

→ Back to Baberton

Brittany never came back to Baberton after school finished. Her parents really thought sending her away would straighten her out but Brittany didn’t think she needed straightening out, in any sense of the word. She had fought all these years to find out who she was and if that person was a little messy? So what? She didn’t go on to college or uni and her parents pretty much cut her off. No financial support and.... whatever, Brittany didn’t care about money and being ‘rich’, but wasn’t it so dramatic? Brittany did want to have a family and she kept in touch with her cousins, and every now and then her brother or father, but apart from that, there wasn’t much contact. She lived in London with her girlfriend in an apartment that was way too small and way too expensive and she worked way too hard, and drank and smoked too much... but she was happy. Until she came home and found her girlfriend in their bed with another woman. Brittany was furious and threw them both out. Brittany locked herself in her apartment crying. She’d been so in love and been about to propose. Two days later she heard that her brother was dead.

Her mother was apparently so distraught that she needed to be medicated - go figure - and her father didn’t want to deal. So it was up to Brittany. Wanting to get away from her ex, she changed her phone number and bailed, heading for Baberton with only two bags of stuff and left her key on the kitchen table. The bitch could move that woman in, whatever. Brittany had bigger things to face. She had to go home. Her parents wanted her to be in charge of all the funeral stuff but she’d never done anything like that before and it was overwhelming to try and sort it, to be expected to swoop in and fix everything when Brittany had been all but cast out the past years. She’s staying in Ryan’s flat, which feels a little morbid honestly, but no way is she staying at her parents’. She’s keen enough to reconnect properly with her cousins but other than that... Brittany isn’t too sure where she fits in here.

→ What’s Her Secret?

Was actually a little scared of her brother, especially growing up. When they were kids, Ryan used to take his temper out on her when he had to babysit, they’d usually have arguments that ended with him grabbing and yelling at her. Once, when she was ten and he was fourteen, Ryan actually tried to push her down the stairs of their parents large house. If he’d succeeded in pushing her the whole way, Brittany most likely would have broken her neck. She did hit her head and had to stay in hospital overnight but nothing too serious happened and because of that, and due to Ryan being the “perfect son”, her experiences were downplayed and she was gaslighted. Her parents acted like Ryan’s behaviour was just part of sibling squabbles but Brittany, despite her rebellions, learned to be scared and tiptoe round him and it was a little bit of a relief to end up in boarding school.

For a few months in boarding school, there were a couple of girls who attempted to bully Brittany. One in particular seemed set on beating her down. She ended up getting so fed up that she stole the ringleader’s diary one day, photocopied a bunch of random pages, and scattered them all over the school. In the hallways and the bathrooms and the dorms. Brittany was angry and she didn’t want to let someone like this girl push her around. If she’d stopped to read some of the contents of the diary pages beforehand though, Brittany wouldn’t have put them out there. The diary had dark secrets about abuse from that girls childhood and, when the whole school knew about it, the girl couldn’t take it any more and she jumped from one of the dormitory windows, the ones on the highest floor... and she ended up in a coma. She’s still in a coma in a private hospital to this day and Brittany visits her sometimes out of guilt. She wishes she could take it back and not release specific pages despite how awful the girl was to her. She deserved to be embarrassed, not driven to end it all.

[weraceasone]

not this airline sending me an email with “prepare a pitch in English explaining who you are and why you want to work for *airline*” at 4:30pm when my interview is at 11:00am tomorrow

[weraceasone]

already applied for a job i’m really being a terrible uni dropout rn

[weraceasone]

i know dropping out was sooo the right choice for me because i literally haven't had any anxiety since i did so. literally all my anxiety: boom, gone.

[weraceasone]

so happy to see you happy at work!! like yeah tell us more abt it!! brag it!! own it!!!

hi sweet anon!! I wanted to wait to answer this ask until I actually had the time to answer it properly 🫶🏼 (and I felt like I also wanted to give an update on my whole uni-dropout-story, because I actually haven't done that in a while so here we go).

first of all, thank you for saying that, that's so nice!! it's funny because I feel like I am most famously known for hating work, like. maybe I sound really lazy or entitled when I say this but if I didn't have to, I just literally would not work, because I just don't like it. that sounds terrible, doesn't it?

however, I feel like I always put so much pressure on myself in the past to get it right somehow anyway; to find something I thoroughly enjoyed, which was also something that earned me good money and felt socially acceptable (as in: I felt pressure to do something that was the highest achievable for someone like me) and that's probably why I felt so stuck when I was still studying. because I did not like it. everything that's like, a really good paying job and a position that people will be impressed by, requires you to work at least 40 hours a week and sit in an office and answer emails in your free time and that's simply everything I hate, because I just don't like working.

now I'm in a situation where I have a job that doesn't require me to do any work after I've finished work because it's kind of difficult to board an airplane from my house and they do send emails but it's literally only weather updates regarding airports in other countries (and I have to admit I haven't read any of them in like two weeks). I work at extremely odd hours but that also gives me so much freedom, like I'll have the whole afternoon off on a random wednesday and for me personally, that works so well because I get overstimulated easily and I feel like in this way I actually have time to calm down and feel okay again before I see friends/start my next shift/anything really. and what makes the waking up at odd times so worth it is simply the bonuses you get, I only have to work around 30 hours to achieve a salary that's comparable to a 40-hour work week. how insane is that!! (also it feels like such an unserious and silly job. I have a friend who works at a bank and that sounds sooo serious and then I'm over here telling people that no, they're not allowed to bring a hamster on an airplane. it's so silly)

and I feel like by dropping out of uni, I also took off the pressure for myself to know everything about how my life should and will be. I just put so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out, and now I just don't know. I have a job that is enjoyable enough for me to stick to it for the foreseeable future, but if I want to do something else in the future I'll just find a way to do that. also, I have completely stopped worrying about what other people think of my job and whether it's is socially acceptable enough or not (none of my friends cared when I dropped out and none of my family cared. so, why should I care what anyone else has to say about it?). this realisation completely solved my anxiety honestly, I haven't felt nauseous for such a long time, whereas before I literally could not eat for months because of my anxiety. for now, I'm just sooo glad everything worked out and I'm earning good money and I can save up and I actually have time to do the things that I want in my free time like I'm so happy with that!! I can't believe I was fighting for my life during that uni course only five months ago, when it feels like a different life now.

this got so long and also made me realize I need to stop and be grateful a little bit more often, so thank you for making me realize that anon!! I hope you are having a great day🧡

[weraceasone]

not even two months ago i was screaming crying throwing up over a uni course i didn’t even like and now i go to the airport, check silly little passengers in for their silly little flights only to be home by 3pm on a random wednesday

[weraceasone]

i have wanted to end/put-some-distance-in the relationship between my best friend and i. things haven't been okay for months. it is terrible most of the time. I've brought it up multiple times and i get told that they'll do better without any actual action. it's going to get sour and bitter.

all of this to say, that right now it might seem the hardest thing you've ever done — having this conversation, but if you think that you need to do it for your happiness, please do it. and please be firm in what you want. draw boundries and make sure the other person cannot manipulate you into doing the opposite. i was polite the first time and now i am just stuck in this limbo. wouldn't recommend this.

this conversation will be the hardest thing, but your future self will constantly thank you for it

anon🫶🏼,

here’s my situation: i have decided i’m going to drop out of uni, because i’m absolutely miserable and have been for a very, very long time. at the moment i’m doing an internship that’s a part of my course, so ending my studies obviously means i have to end my internship too (i considered finishing it regardless, but i barely get paid and have a debt i need to pay off, so that’s not really an option). the people at my internship are incredibly nice and i feel terrible about it, but i need to do this. for myself and for my own happiness. even though it is so, so hard.

thank you for sending this message, anon. this feels like confirmation for me that i just need to go through with this, even though it’s hard. i think it’s time you and i choose our own happiness, even when that disappoints others. i hope everything works out for you, anon. thank you again for sending this message and i wish you all the best🧡

[weraceasone]

Hi :)

Do you have any tips of how to talk to your parents and teachers about dropping out?

hi anon! I hope you’re doing okay🫶🏼

I think, when it comes to talking to people about it, it almost feels like you’re delivering bad news to a person. I convinced myself I would disappoint everyone in my life by dropping out, hence why I delayed telling people that I was even considering it, for a very long time.

start small! tell someone you really, really trust and see how they react. the first person I told was my mom, a person I knew was not going to react badly, and she gave me the confidence to tell other people. and when you do tell other people:

the absolute most important part of talking to people about something like this: staying true to yourself and staying close to your own feeling. a lot of people in my life were very nice about it and didn't try to push me into reconsidering it or try to tell me that it was better to just continue, except for this one teacher at school. he told me his advice for me was to just continue, even though I was mentally in a terrible spot. so, I didn't listen to him. he didn't see my struggle, he didn't know how much of a fight it was for me and he probably thought I was just giving up because I didn't feel like going on anymore. but, does that one teacher truly matter?

I truly believe that as long as you are staying true to yourself, you'll eventually end up with what's best for you. and not what's best for that teacher or for your parents or for whoever you feel like staying in this spot you are in right now for. this whole process was extremely hard for me, but in the end I know I made the right choice because I made a decision with my heart. I chose what I felt was right for me. and even though that may mean my future is a little unsure right now, I can still vouch for myself and the choices I made, because I did that for myself.

also, I postponed talking to people about this for a very long time out of fear of their reaction but I learned that it's important to remind yourself of how you would react if a good friend of yours would tell you they’re thinking about dropping. would you be angry? would you be disappointed? or would you feel proud of your friend for choosing themselves and following their heart? the truth is, even though some people may not react very nicely, that is probably an indicator that this person is not interested in what’s best for you or committed to misunderstanding what you believe is best for you.

you deserve to feel good, and in order to feel good it is okay to sometimes disappoint your parents or whoever and just go your own way. it's your life. so, stay true to yourself and you'll end up with what's best for you. I truly believe that.

hope this helped a little bit, anon🧡

[weraceasone]

Hi :)

If this is too personal please feel free to ignore.

Can i ask how did you know it was the right decision to drop out?

I've been thinking about it, i'm absolutely miserable at school and i know that's not the career i want but what if there's nothing better? but on the other hand i don't think things can get much worse tbh

Thank you and hope you are well <3

hi anon🫶🏼, don’t worry it’s not too personal!!

personally for me, it was a decision that took a long, long time. the first time I thought about dropping out was back in october 2021 (during my second year) when I realized the subjects we were studying actually didn't interest me at all. I pushed it away at the time, out of fear of the opinions of others and because I didn't really know what else to do.

so, I went on and on and on, and like you mentioned, it just made me absolutely miserable. the subjects didn't interest me, I had no motivation whatsoever to do my assignments and I knew in my heart that this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. but I persevered because I've always put the opinions of others above mine. I thought this was what I was supposed to do: go to uni, get a degree and all that kind of stuff. I also felt bad about the fact that I had already made it this far, so I told myself to just finish it.

then in my third year, I had to do an internship. so I applied for internships, got accepted at one and told myself I had to do this. the internship started in february, but I already started having physical symptoms back in december. I started having a lot of panic attacks, was constantly walking around with headaches and stomach aches, was always nauseous and just could.not.stop.crying. seriously, I cried every single day. it honestly made me depressed. but I still moved on, cause I was scared of the consequences of dropping out. so I started the internship and it was the absolute worst time of my life. the people were incredibly nice, but I just hated it. I hated the 9-5 lifestyle and the work and I hated feeling isolated working in an office all day, it just made me absolutely miserable. so after feeling incredibly depressed and crying my eyes out for two months straight, last week I quit and dropped out.

I know I joke around a lot on tumblr about being a uni dropout, but it has honestly been the hardest decision of my life and the hardest time of my life. but I know in my heart that I made the right decision, because I automatically felt a million times better when I made it. I want to start living my life for myself and not care so much about the opinions of others. and I know in my heart that getting a degree and working in an office is not the right choice for me, even though that may be most desirable to a lot of people.

I was just like you, anon. I always worried so, so much about: what if there's nothing better? what if there's nothing I enjoy doing? but I think the answer to that is this: maybe it is okay to just see where life takes me. I am allowed to try whatever I feel like trying and if it doesn't work out, then I'm just going to try something else. I don't need to know the whole roadmap of my life right now, it is enough for me to just know the next step. I have passions and hobbies and I'm a hard working person and everything will work out for me, just because I said so.

I hope everything works out for you, anon. whether you choose to continue with your degree or drop out, I wish you all the best🧡.