#unfortunately this is the mindset i bring to every day. my haters will be glad to know that although i experience joy whimsy and delight in

[petoskeystones]

sometimes tv shows Are so funny.

[gwynpool]

it’s 2AM and i just finished Rule of Wolves (spoilers definitely up ahead)

first, to inform everyone, i read the spoilers when it got leaked in twitter cuz i can’t help myself. (it’s a sickness, i know) i think this is important since it definitely influenced my perspective upon reading the book. also, this is my first time being early in a party so yay me! going in ROW was easy for me because i started King of Scars the day before book 2’s actual release date so everything’s fresh.

secondly, this is really long so i’m sorry. i just have a lot of feelings and need to write it all down. on with the rant.

King of Scars was wonderful to me since it gave me my favorite Shadow and Bone character and the girl who i used to hate for being a mean girl but who I now admire with every ounce of my being. It also introduced a new ship that I am now obsessed with and is ruling besides my love for Jude&Cardan. Not to mention, it gave us Nina, whom though i’m not entirely a fan of due to all my love focusing on Kaz and Inej, allowed the connection between Shadow&Bone with SixofCrows.

Moving on, ROW was a ride and whirlwind of emotions. unfortunately, it wasn’t always the best kind.

I love the fantasy elements of it (tho it was a huge leap especially with the saints power thingy) and the politics because i am a sucker for scheming and stealing thrones.

the zoyalai teasing and angst was painful but in the best way since slowburn is what keeps me going.

nina finding comfort (and attraction, apparently) from hanne made my heart flutter because i haven’t gotten over matthias but this allowed a sort of closure and next chapter for our waffle-loving queen.

the promised wedding by leigh wasn’t what i expected but i’m not complaining since david&genya deserved nothing but happiness.

almost everything seems going well (aside from the fact that aleksander was ressurected apparently)and then everything crashes and burns and i just have to wonder why?

so the promised funeral alongside the wedding one, immediately comes after two? three? chapters as they were attacked during the afterparty of the wedding. and guess what? leigh killed the fcking groom.

the thing is i already knew he was going to die (with the spoilers and all) but i did not expect it to come immediately after the freaking wedding. not even halfway through the book!

being spoiled, i think, took most of the pain from the event but it doesn’t lessen the fact that it was completely unnecessary??? like though the characters grieved, nothing much was affected from his death? also, don’t talk to me about the character development for the survivors from this tragic event because there. was. absolutely. NONE.

and then we have the fricking darling ressurected. i love him in the first book of the grishaverse though i knew he was still a villain, don’t get me wrong. and my heart ached but was also relieved with his death in the third. he also inspired one of my all-time favorite fantasy villain(antihero?) in the form of Adelina Amouteru in the Young Elites series.

Ceased to be a Darklina fan and am now shipping Aleksander with Adelina because their power tho? like clings to like and they are both imbued with unfathomable darkness. somebody write fics please.

but bringing him back was what for exactly? leigh bardugo preached on how toxic the darkling character was and how we really shouldn’t like him in terms of agreeing with his ideals and yada yada. and yet she brings him back because apparently, he’s the only one paying her bills.

his conversation with alina tho had me expecting some darklina crumbs with fan service on the side since the stans were all raving about it on twitter *vomiting noises from toxicity* but i was surprised since it just further reminded us of how he truly is a villain in his very core and would do anything to get what he wants. so all in all it wasn’t entirely awful and it actually made me like Mal a bit. (never was a fan of him but that’s my issue, not the character’s)

setting aside the darkling issue a bit, the POV from Mayu was skippable. i mean obviously it still needs to be read for the Shu politics and the khergud existence but it just made me want to go to the next pov. Same goes for the “the monk’s” POV since you all know how i feel about him and the cult with it’s assembly and shit ended up also being unnecessary towards the end. honestly, i could do without the journey of the starless saint and his cult.

i truly enjoyed the fjerdan plot to my surprise and i like how nina kind of went through the last of us 2 circle of hate journey. it was definitely difficult knowing her pain and all that she went through and still choosing to be the better person. and yet, i can’t help but be more proud of her development. also, the supposed death of hanne got me going for a second and was actually ready to storm leigh’s home to fix her mistake. thank god it was plot twist. that’s all i have to say on the nina POV because i don’t wanna ruin my good feeling on this.

the crows cameo gave us a mini heist and it just made me miss reading their adventures. also the suli scene tugged at my heart.

imma skip zoya’s transformation but it utterly made me feel amazing and i have never been more glad that she’s kind of overpowered. she deserves it so fck all them haters. you can choke.

nikolai’s revelation and decision for the ravkan throne was not all that surprising, even without my knowledge of the spoilers. i honestly had a feeling that he was always his best self when he was strumhond and he only chose to fulfill the duties of the king because at that time, there was no other choice. so him giving up the throne to his beloved soldier, summoner and saint was a quite satisfying choice of route. there has been some others who would contest nikolai’s decision to step down as something unnecessary in the grand scheme of things but i would stand by my belief that nikolai made the best choice for ravka and for himself. not to say that i didn’t want to see both the queen and king side by side ruling but what are fanfictions for?

zoyalai is canon and endgame. finally. i can die now.

now the last two chapters was a toss up. for the first one was the darkling’s sacrifice. okay, so i was also spoiled by this from twitter but when i was reading the book, i keep expecting it to be brought up and it wasn’t. so i honestly thought that maybe that spoiler was a prank. lo and behold it was not and it wasn’t until the very last end. so the buildup was goddamn awful. the whole concept of the thorn wood and sort of atlas moment was just no. like you’re just springing this up now? when we’re supposed to be tying up loose ends but making sure it had history and buildup to well, back it up.

also leigh outright writing genya saying it was not a redemption for the darkling and him being unapologetic about his crimes (basically being a truly evil asshole) doesn’t remove the fact that it still comes off as a redemption arc especially with what is now the synopsis of SOC 3 but ill get to that. he still was the one who did a heroic deed and that fucks me up because it was just devastating to me after making peace with his end in ruin and rising. not because i was hurt that he died yet again boohoo but because it kind of invalidates everything that alina, genya, zoya and countless other victims went through.

on a side note, the darling stans on twitter who keeps defending his actions, i would really advise you to reflect on your decisions cuz it is honestly unhealthy. also, you lot talking smack about nikolai and zoya refusing to sacrifice their lives? stop twisting the story to suit your toxic admiration, nikolai was even first to offer up his life and would do so if it was actually possible. so just go hide in your darkling cocoon and stop hating on other characters to justify your favored aleksander.

the very last chapter aka coronation was good because it gave us inej ghafa cameo as captain of her ship and bonding with our resident privateer and also genya, alina and zoya bonding. but it was bad because apparently the darkling chronicles is still not over and now we’re supposed to grant him death like that’s going to make everything okay? i know forgiveness and breaking the circle of hate and revenge is a huge theme in this duology but honestly, this is just too extreme. with nina it was understandable and the people she hated were born of twisted mindset and circumstances but the darkling? hahahah no. he is a literal immortal who was delusional so now that he’s paying for his crimes, you want to allow him death because you have nightmares? zoya, goddamit no! same to you genya and alina. and so this will be the plot for the third six of crows? why can’t we just stop making this about him. now he gunna steal kaz’s thunder? over my dead body.

in the end, i gave this book 4 stars in goodreads because if i ignore the darkling plot, it was a really good use of politics and fantasy merging in a storyline. i can’t fault leigh for choosing to do this since it’s still her book so i definitely don’t have a right to dictate what i expected from this. also, i have a half a mind to believe that she fell in love with ben barnes and had him in mind writing this so i really cannot blame her because i have been under that man’s charms since prince caspian came out. the spoilers i read made me more open in reading this (backwards thinking but eh that’s how i roll) so i’m not at all crushed by what transpired. it was just weird and was lackluster in its attempt to give ravka some sort of peace. frankly, i just want to read the third six of crows book to maybe find some sort of calm in all this craziness and also delve in some zoyalai fanfiction because it was a long time coming.

shameless promotion but if you guys want to check out my nikolai duology spotify playlist, here’s the link:

[sacha-fallen-human]

I’ll Bring You with Me

Prompt by and for the fireplace contest, done by myself.

Closing my car’s door behind me, I took place in the driver’s seat, dropping a box next to me. My hair was sticking to my face and I was so glad that my hair wasn’t dyed yet. I don’t want to stain my car with red spot. I took a moment to relax, breathing deeply and listening to the pitter-patter of the rain. The truth is I love rain, it’s so powerful and it make me realise each time that I’m alive. I always want to just go and dance in it, sing about it, but I can’t afford to get even more wet right now. Maybe another day.

I finally bring my attention to the box. My parents were doing their spring cleaning and they found a bunch of my things, apparently forgotten there when I moved. To be honest I don’t think they are really important but it gave me a reason to visit my parents and to steal one or two of their muffin. I just wish That the rain would have waited until I could get the box inside of my car. It’s all wet and I kind of worry about the things inside of it.

I don’t actually know what is inside. It’s a mystery to be solved soon, but my mom looked very happy with herself. I consider starting my car and driving back to my apartment before opening it for half a minute but I’m far from a patient person. My parents’ house is on the other side of the street; I realise I could have just stayed inside in the first place. It would probably have been far more comfortable but I don’t want to risk getting the box in a worse state. Also because I’m lazy and don’t want to run back there but yeah.

I reach to open the box, ready to finally know what my parent found when my phone start to ring. “fucking hell” I say softly to myself. I reach for it and check who is calling. It’s my sister. I seriously consider answering but then I decide against it. I refuse the call, text her I’m busy right now, to tell me by text if she need anything or I’ll call her later.

I wait almost one minute for her to answer but she doesn’t so I pick a song to play softly in the background, not too much volume just enough to fill the silence, then place my phone on the dashboard. Now that that’s dealt with, time to bring my focus back on the mysterious box. I love resolving mysteries and I can’t help but smile as I open the lid. Inside of it sit a deep blue book, a game of tarot, a black notebook, three… no four sketch book, some pictures and a bunch of other things. I stare in wonder all of them. I take the blue book and delicately drop it in my laps as I read the title out loud, with a small voice; “They both die at the end”.

I take a moment to just look at the front page. After a moment the silence break. “This book was so great!” I suddenly freeze in my track, and I can feel a shiver down my spin. Because it definitely wasn’t me who spoke. That voice is a bit more singsong and a lot less rough than mine, yet it feels so familiar.

I turn around sharply, looking at the back seats and there I see something I was not ready to witness. There sat someone who look exactly like what I used to when I was a teenager. Wait, actually it’s literally a younger me. We have the same face, his hair is a pale blue and he’s wearing a big hoodie that engulf him. He looks like he just heard my most embarrassing secret, as if he knew something about me that I didn’t. I stare in his eyes for a while, holding my breath.

“Hey.” He said to me, looking like he was talking to a frighten animal. I mean to be honest, I was actually scared. It’s not everyday your younger self materialises in your car. I broke our eye contact to touch with precaution his legs. My hand passed trough so I finally let myself take a breath. I can deal with hallucination or ghost, but a real human who look like what I used to and who broke in my car would have been something else.

“I have a lot of question but first is; Are you here to kill me?” I said looking at him suspiciously.

He had the audacity to laugh at me. Gosh, I used to look like that when I laughed? “Don’t worry, I could never kill someone as beautiful as me” Did he flirt or was that a joke? Probably both knowing myself. “But seriously, don’t worry about the fact I’m here. I’m just…” he moved his hands as if that would help him find the answer. “A manifestation of your nostalgia. Yeah that sound good. Also you should stop pulling all-nighters non-stop. This is what happen when you don’t take care of yourself.” I was about to protest saying that I had things to finish that could not wait but then I realised I was talking to myself. So first; He already knew. Second; He was right. “Like seriously I can’t believe you ended up like that. You used to tell everyone to start a healthy sleep schedule. What happened?”

I just shrugged, unable to create an answer that would satisfy myself. He seemed to understand it and just smiled a bit sadly at me. “Anyway, I guess I should just accept this adventure and keep doing what I was doing or…?” I let the words hanging knowing that he would finish with what he wanted if my first guess was wrong.

“I think it would be more like a journey since you won’t have to fight anything or risk your life but yeah, just…keep looking at the things in the box.” He said smiling to me and bringing my attention back to the book in my laps with a nod of his head. “Remember how much this book affected you? You really wanted to live like every moment was the last after reading it.”

I smiled to myself, turning the page slowly, not even reading the words. I was just reminiscing about the old day. For a whole week after finishing it, all I wanted to do was find a stranger at my school and do something, anything. To just be free to do what I wanted with someone new. I never got around to it, unfortunately. It did change how I saw things in life though. I had no time to hate myself, no time to bother with people that weren’t interesting enough or would be bad for me. I didn’t have time to care about who like me and who didn’t. Sure, it still scared me and I couldn’t just change my whole mindset in one week but I just decide that I would try not to change my actions in functions of the “haters”. I don’t owe anyone my precious time. Except my mom because, let’s be honest, I wouldn’t have any time in the first place without her.

“I don’t think I managed to do that as much as I would have like to but I don’t think I did bad either.” I said softly to the weird passenger in my car. I heard a small breathy laugh coming from behind me. I looked at him and told him with a smile I couldn’t repress; “What? You think you’ll do better?” we both shared a smile at that. The way he smiles was identical to mine except for the fact that I didn’t have my “vampire” teeth anymore. It’s still weird to see myself sitting in the back seat of my car, don’t get me wrong, but this wasn’t as weird as it probably should be. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep and the fact I’ve always kind of talked to myself that gave me a strange sense of normality in this moment.

He stretched to look in the box, curiosity clear on his face. He looked at me like he just discovered a treasure. Maybe it was. He spoke with such joy in his voice. “Do you still keep a bullet journal? It was so fun and we were so good! I wonder if you do it a different way now.” I smiled back at him, a bit sad. The thing is, I didn’t anymore. I had kept it up for a long time but then I stopped at one point in my life. I can’t remember why exactly.

I reached into the box to take the notebook and started to look at pages and pages of planning and drawings. They were filled with everything that would go trough my head at that time. I didn’t write about my feelings in it or anything (except two page about one of my crush. After that I had decided to never do others like that again since I had to look at them even after the rejection). I had a lot of portrait of myself, calendar and ideas in it. I looked at my younger self and said looking in his eyes; “I guess I could try to do that again soon.” He gave me a look. You know that look when you just know that the person you’re talking to is probably not going to do it. My mom used to give me the same ones when she would ask me to do some chores. “I’ll go buy a notebook on my way back home.” He finally smiled to me again.

After a moment of content silence, me reading more pages and him looking at a couple walking under the same umbrella a bit further down the road, I closed the journal and putted it on the dashboard close to my phone. I looked at what was left in my box, my new friend looking over my shoulder. The tarot game was what caught my attention.

“Oh my god. Remember how cool it was to tell people you could read their future? It was super helpful to get friends. We only did readings for us when we were crushing on someone. You should do a reading later tonight.” He said while sitting back in his seat. I was about to take one of my sketchbook but I decided against it.

“hey, we’ve been here for a while we should probably get back to my apartment now.” His smile dropped a bit. “We can keep looking trough my things then, ok?” I look back at him and he smile at me with that same damn smile he had on when he appeared earlier. I gave him one back and start the engine. I change the music and turn the volume up.

On the way home, I’ll stop looking behind me. I’ll sing along with the music, hearing another voice scream the lyrics with me. I’ll stop on my way to buy a new bullet journal, picking the one with the brightest color. To make it a clear contrast with my first one. I’ll go back in my car and look in the mirror to find blue eyes watching me in wonder.  

Later, I’ll be back home and when I finally look behind me I’ll be alone in the car. No friend or hallucination smiling at me from the back seat. I mean, I guess there never was someone. I’ll give a sad smile toward the space he use to occupy and then bring the box inside my home. I’ll look trough all of the sketchbook, comparing with how my art look now. I’ll start making the first page of my new journal, after finding all of my pens. I’ll understand just how much I’ve grown and I’ll fall in love a bit more with myself, my heart filling with pride and love for the person I was and who I became. I’ll put the pictures that were sitting in the bottom of the box on my fridge, near the drawings of my nephew. I’ll try on these big earrings that I used to wear. Maybe I’ll go to sleep with my cheeks wet but this time not because of someone who broke my heart; Just because I was overwhelmed with good feelings for the first time in a while. I’ll be hugging my pillow and saying in the quiet of the night these words; “I’m sorry I left you behind.”