#unfortunately like then my response to feeling hurt is to foster my spite like a flame

[devoutjunk]

honestly feels like there must just be something wrong w/ me that I’ve been working here for almost two years and it still feels like I deserve to die when i try to make small talk in the office/let alone befriend people. maybe i just suck but i do try.

every time I start to convince myself things are fine, maybe it’s in my head, just focus on the work etc something else will happen that will make me wonder if I’m just like inherently awful and not worth dealing with or getting to know.

most of my previous jobs I’ve worked remotely or one on one w/ one supervisor/directly w/ clients (tutoring/editing etc) so I genuinely don’t know if it’s normal to still feel this way/feel this way so much in an office environment. like not to be a brat but will i be allowed to participate in water cooler convo after 3 years or do i need to be in editorial for that

[agentrouka-blog]

There is something that both Ned and Jon share. The unworthiness of being the Lord of WF, have a wife and kids. In AGOT Ned thinks that WF, Cat... should have been Brandon's who was the firstborn and heir not him.

Yes, Ned had a big chip on his shoulder about that, enough for Cat to liken Brandon’s shadow to Jon’s mother’s, standing between them. 

He is actually a big drama queen about it. (I am saying that with love.)

“Gods, Catelyn, Sansa is only eleven,” Ned said. “And Joffrey … Joffrey is …” She finished for him. “… crown prince, and heir to the Iron Throne. And I was only twelve when my father promised me to your brother Brandon.” That brought a bitter twist to Ned’s mouth. “Brandon. Yes. Brandon would know what to do. He always did. It was all meant for Brandon. You, Winterfell, everything. He was born to be a King’s Hand and a father to queens. I never asked for this cup to pass to me.” “Perhaps not,” Catelyn said, “but Brandon is dead, and the cup has passed, and you must drink from it, like it or not.” Ned turned away from her, back to the night. He stood staring out in the darkness, watching the moon and the stars perhaps, or perhaps the sentries on the wall. Catelyn softened then, to see his pain. Eddard Stark had married her in Brandon’s place, as custom decreed, but the shadow of his dead brother still lay between them, as did the other, the shadow of the woman he would not name, the woman who had borne him his bastard son. She was about to go to him when the knock came at the door, loud and unexpected. 

(AGOT, Catelyn II)

I love this exchange. There’s Ned being about as Jon-level damatic as we have ever seen him, and Catelyn doesn’t necessarily rush to reassure him because this is a familiar tune and she just wants him to get a grip and focus. You know, like typical married couples. 

But as he Stares Woefully(tm) she softens and the urge to comfort him rises up. Like typical married couples. 

People focus a lot on Cat’s hurt feelings about Jon’s mom (and they are right to, Ned handled that entire business atrociously bad) but there is a well of insecurity in Ned about his not much older brother, even though he probably knew him about as well as he knew Lyanna, which is… they hadn’t seen each other in a while. Brandon was fostered in Barrowtown and Ned was fostered in the Vale. I imagine Robert actually reminded Ned of his wilder brother. They must have nevertheless been close, because Brandon understood his shy brother well enough to arrange a dance with Asharah at Harrenhal. (How close were Lyanna and Benjen, though? Very??)

Considering just how we, canonically, know Brandon is described (wolf’s blood, etc) and how he handled the situation with Lyanna (riding up the KL and essentially yelling at the monarch), Ned is so obviously irrational about this idea of Brandon being waaaay more suited for the Lordship or always knowing what to do. It’s likely rooted in survivor’s guilt, same as Jon displays. 

When Jon had been very young, too young to understand what it meant to be a bastard, he used to dream that one day Winterfell might be his. Later, when he was older, he had been ashamed of those dreams. Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. And after them came Sansa and Arya. Even to dream otherwise seemed disloyal, as if he were betraying them in his heart, wishing for their deaths. I never wanted this, he thought as he stood before the blue-eyed king and the red woman. I loved Robb, loved all of them . . . I never wanted any harm to come to any of them, but it did. And now there's only me. (ASOS, Jon XI)

And Jon never had any of them literally die in his arms. (Though I think the Ygritte-Lyanna mirror is deliberate and foreshadows something, too.) 

Hilariously, Ned almost forces himself to follow in Brandon’s footsteps. Brandon would have likely fathered bastards, Ned gives himself the appearance of having done so. Brandon got himself caught in a death trap on KL, Ned.. yeah. 

But we know he did a very good job as Lord in the North. His bannerman (save the flaying enthusiasts) clearly adored him, his children universally admire him, his wife loved him in spite of a very rocky start to their marriage and he had some pretty visionary ideas for settling the Gift. (Which Jon took over.) But Ned cannot see it. Considering Cat is clearly familiar with this subject, I doubt he has been very responsive to genuine praise in the past. Though, I imagine, the inability to open up about Jon played a role in that. The secret was a millstone around his neck that trapped him with one foot in the past.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jon will struggle with the same issues if/when he comes into a position of political power in the North, constant guilt like above, constantly comparing himself to Robb, self-doubt. Here’s hoping he will be more receptive to Sansa’s efforts to both honestly criticize him (and Ned and Robb!) and praise him. But “Don’t... tell... Sansa!” and his not-so-communicative leadership style as Lord Commander hints at an unfortunate future decision to keep her out of important information loops (like Ned did with Cat and Sansa, too) to their mutual detriment. 

Let’s hope Jon will get a chance to learn from his mistakes and do better in the very end, when it comes to moving forward from all this destruction and rebuilding, the way Ned never quite could. Sansa is Ned’s spiritual heir, but so is Jon. 

[pamphletstoinspire]

February, the month dedicated to the Holy Family

THE REARING OF CHILDREN by the Carmelites of the Holy Trinity in Washington

More than a century ago, on April 9th, 1888, Therese Martin entered the Carmel of Lisieux where she was to die 9 years later in the odor of sanctity. But we should make no mistake: St. Therese did not become a Saint in 9 years. The young girl of 15 who crossed the threshold of Carmel that day had already advanced quite far on the "straight way that leads to Heaven". Her parents were her first "Novice Masters" and their own holiness strongly influenced the future Saint. It is certainly worth noting that both Mr. and Mrs. Martin are candidates for beatification. They have already passed the first step towards canonization by being declared Venerable. Many of the letters written by St. Therese's mother are still extant and, besides giving us many details about the Martin family, they form almost a treatise on Catholic education.

Mrs. Martin understood very well that Catholic education means much more than morning and evening prayer, attendance at Mass and sending the children to a good Catholic school. After bestowing natural life, parents must see to it that their children receive also supernatural life through Baptism. And then, they have to foster the development both of the body and of the soul. Mrs. Martin, as a truly Catholic mother, always gave priority to the soul. She considered her children as a sacred trust received from God and never lost sight of this important truth: a child is not a plaything.

If baptism removes original sin, it nevertheless leaves in the soul the four wounds of malice, infirmity, ignorance and concupiscence. Anyone who has been around little children knows that this is no mere theory. Very soon little ones begin to manifest evil tendencies. Too often, parents smile at these childish outbursts of anger, jealousy, stubbornness, pride, etc... which they even consider "cute". No, a child is NEVER CUTE when he is stubborn, proud, etc... Vices are like weeds. If you uproot them as soon as they show up, you will pull the whole thing out without difficulty.

But, do not weed your garden for a few weeks... and you will see the result! If children are corrected from their early childhood, the whole task of education will be much easier. Mrs. Martin never showed any weakness. She never allowed stubbornness or childish whims. Writing to her brother about Pauline (the future Mother Agnes of Jesus), she could say: "I have never spoiled her, and LITTLE THOUGH SHE WAS, I never let anything pass unchecked. Without making a martyr of her, I nevertheless made her obey." Children can easily be "fussy" at table. St. Therese's parents never gave way on this point. At table, children had to behave themselves and no grumbles at dishes they did not like much were ever tolerated. This may seem trivial matter, and how often parents take the easy way out by just yielding to their children. No one will deny that it is a trying task to train children to eat everything, but it is of much greater importance than it may seem at first sight. In fact, you do not only train your children's eating habits, you also train their will, and they will need a strong will to remain Catholic in our apostate world. In Lent, Mrs. Martin would subject the menu to some restrictions and all the fasts of the Church were scrupulously observed, which is an example all Catholic families should follow. It proves to be a great means of promoting a true spirit of mortification in the children.

You may raise the objection: "What a dull life for children!" Oh, no! The Martin family was happy and cheerful and the five girls were very lively. Mrs. Martin had a real gift for stimulating the generosity of her children. She always used supernatural motives to persuade them to fulfill their duties: a sinner to convert, to console Our Lord, etc... In a letter, she reports that her eldest daughter, Marie, valiantly faced the dentist -- remember, they did not put your mouth to sleep in those days! -- to obtain graces for her grandfather who had died recently. Marie was only 9 years old then, and she even felt sorry when the dentist did not pull out her tooth. "It is a pity", she exclaimed, "Grandpa would have left Purgatory!" 

Later on, when her eldest daughters had reached their teens, Mrs. Martin knew how to let them talk freely with her. She deemed it very important that her girls could express their mind fully so that, with much tact and kindness, she could rectify her daughters' judgment and teach them how to look at everything from the standpoint of Faith. The best praise of her "educational system" was given her by her own daughters at the process of beatification of St. Therese: "We were not spoiled. Our mother watched very carefully over her children's souls, and not the smallest fault ever went unreproved. Her training was kind and loving, but attentive and thorough."

St. Therese of the Child Jesus is probably the only Saint about whose childhood we have so many details. In the first four and a half years of St. Therese's life, Mrs. Martin wrote over 120 letters, mainly to her brother and to her daughter Pauline. These letters are an invaluable source of information. They reveal to us the dawn of sanctity in a soul as well as the important part played by the parents in the formation of a Saint. In spite of all her good qualities, St. Therese was not born a Saint. Like the rest of us, she had been wounded by original sin and if her defects were small, they were nevertheless real. there is, for instance, the delightful incident of the two sugar rings, a treasure for a little girl. St. Therese, who had a heart of gold, resolved to give one of the rings to her sister Celine. Alas, on the way home she lost one of the precious rings. What was she to do? Should she give the only ring left to Celine or keep it for herself? The shrewd little girl soon found the solution to this dilemma and declared that, unfortunately, it was Celine's ring that got lost! And the Saint comments: "See, how from childhood we instinctively safeguard our own interests!" And who will not see the "daughter of Eve" in the little Therese who thought she would have looked much nicer with her arms bare when her mother had her wear a pretty dress but with long sleeves?! St. Therese had remarkable qualities too, especially her crystal-clear honesty. Mrs. Martin could write, with some legitimate parental pride: "The little one would not tell a lie for all the gold in the world." Little Therese would always avow her baby faults to her parents without seeking any excuse and would then ask for forgiveness and await her punishment. There is something very charming in this innocent child and it is best expressed in Mrs. Martin's own words, in a letter to Pauline: "She (Therese) had broken a small vase, the size of my thumb, which I had given to her that morning. As usual when she has any accident, she came at once to show it to me. I showed some displeasure. Her little heart swelled...A moment later, she ran to me and said: 'Don't be sad, Mother, when I earn money, I promise you I will buy you another.' As you see it will be a while before I get it!"

St. Therese was an oversensitive little girl. Her eyes would easily fill with tears. One day Celine accused her of "bringing up her dolls badly and letting them have their way." That was enough to make Therese cry. Yet she did not have a weak character, on the contrary she had a very strong will and could even be stubborn. Referring to her two main "weaknesses", i.e. her oversensitiveness and her strong will, St. Therese wrote: "With such dispositions, I feel sure that, had I been brought up by careless parents, I would have become very wicked, and would maybe even have lost my soul." Such a statement should arouse in parents a salutary fear and make them realize their responsibility. Try to imagine what St. Therese would have become if she had spent most of her time sprawled on the carpet watching TV or listening to rock music, if she had been free to indulge all her whims...A good form of examination for parents would be the answer to the following question: "Would St. Therese have become a Saint if she had been brought up the way I bring my children up?" If the answer is "no", then think of the account Mrs. Martin would have had to render to God if, through a careless upbringing, she had deprived God and the world of St. Therese... We are sure you will then lose no time in reforming your method of education, for the greater good of your soul and of your children's souls.

Let us place ourselves at Mrs. Martin's school. The first thing to bear in mind is that, by baptism, any child is God's child. Several times a day, Mrs. Martin would put on her little girl's lips this little prayer: "My God, I give You my heart; Take it, please, so that no creature may possess it, but You alone, Jesus." St. Therese was taught to do everything to please God, and for love of Jesus. One day, Therese could not open the door of the room where Celine was having her lessons. In her frustration, she lay down in front of the door. Her mother told her that she should not behave like this. But the next day, when she found herself before the closed��door, she lay down on the floor again. Her sister Mary told her: "Little Therese, you hurt the little Jesus very much when you do this." Therese looked up at her sister. She had understood and she never did it again. Her mother initiated her from a very early age in the art of making sacrifices and when St. Thérèse wrote that since the age of three she had never refused anything to the Good God, it was a tribute not only to her personal holiness but also to Mrs. Martin's method of education.

There is no cry-room in France and St. Therese had to behave herself in church. She loved to go to Mass and at two and a half she would cry if she could not go not only to Mass but also to Vespers. Even though she was very intelligent, she nevertheless surprised her parents when she declared one day: "The sermon was better than usual, but it was long all the same"!! Cry-rooms are not bad in themselves, but alas, too often parents use them as nurseries. It is certainly easier to let your little ones cry, play and eat in the cry-room than to discipline them and teach them how to behave in the House of God. But how many children are drastically retarded in their spiritual growth because up to the age of three, four, or five they have never attended Mass outside of a cry-room, playing, eating, etc... Parents must apply to themselves the words of St. Paul (I Cor. 3:9). They are "God's helpers", and their children are "God's tillage, God's building". God found in Mrs. Martin a faithful collaborator. To be the mother of a Saint was her happiness on earth and it is her glory in Heaven. This happiness and this glory are meant to be yours too, if you cooperate with God in the work of the sanctification of your children.

[outside-seoul]

Game of Thrones, 8.4

In case you had any doubts, I am incapable of shutting up about Jaime and Brienne.

Their pairing is as epic and elemental as storytelling has to offer. They were inevitable--the handsome rich boy met his match in the strong, hardworking girl, and sparks flew. It’s a tale as old as time. But the chemistry between Jaime and Brienne isn’t only visible to consumers of narrative like us. People in the story can’t miss it, either. Cersei, Vonn, and (tragically) Tormund all saw it without being told.

At this point in the show, Jaime and Brienne have been through a lot together. They’ve been enemies and allies, criticizers and conspirators. But it’s not until the celebration of the Battle of Winterfell that we really see them as friends just being together. 

Usually you have to be watching a Korean drama to see a hand touch as significant as the one that happens in this episode. Brienne puts a hand over her cup as Jaime tries to pour her wine, but he won’t have it. He reaches out and covers her hand with his own for a long moment--there’s no shyness or uncertainty here, just tenderness. It’s a simple physical touch that means something to both characters in a way Western entertainment rarely seems to imagine.

Finally, Jaime pulls Brienne’s hand away from her cup and says, “If this isn’t the time to drink, when is?” She smiles in response, an unguarded expression that doesn’t seem quite at home on her face. For possibly the first time ever, Jaime and Brienne make real, true eye contact as they sit across the table at the feast. Neither of them can quite manage to look away, even as they toast and drink.

Brienne’s face is colorful with bruises in this scene, which reminds me of a riddle I once heard. You arrive in a town with two barbers--one who’s sloppy with a terrible haircut, and one who’s impeccably groomed with an amazing haircut. If you yourself want to look good, you’re supposed to go to the sloppy barber--he’s the one who cut the other guy’s hair. In this scenario, Brienne is the sloppy barber. She’s a skilled swordswoman who took up the slack to protect her one-handed boyfriend in a fight, and her face shows how hard that was.

In the festivities that follow, Jaime and Brienne are finally relaxed and safe, and it’s increasingly obvious that they’re becoming a couple right before our eyes. “You have danced with Renley Baratheon,” Jamie says, and there’s betrayal in Brienne’s eyes when she looks at Pod. We know that she told Pod that story once, and now we know that Pod and Jaime talked about Brienne when she wasn’t around.

Tyrion, the only person who might ship Brienne and Jaime more than I do, decides to move the evolution of their relationship along. He quirks an eyebrow at Brienne as he takes a drink, then starts talking about the status of her virginity. (Which is, admittedly, a major dick move.)

I’ve read that some people don’t like what happens next, but I think it’s perfect. Brienne stands up and announces in a loud voice, “I have to piss.” This works for me both because that’s what drinking does to you, and also because it’s just the sort of thing a woman would say when she’s going out of her way not to be seen as a woman.

Unlike lone-wolf Arya, Brienne is a team player. She’s spent her adult life surrounded by soldiers, rough men who measure their worth in blood. To blend in with that crowd, she’s learned to minimize her femininity, behaving like one of the guys. So when she’s confronted with this somewhat embarrassing fact about herself as a sexual being, as a woman, she makes it clear to everyone around her that she’s not some swooning lady. She’s a rude, crude, dangerous solider. (Who was until just recently making heart eyes at her dream man.)

All this lasts until potty-mouthed Tormund shows up, at which point Brienne turns back into her chilly, aloof self. Brienne wants to keep Tormund at a distance--she’s not interested in being accessible to him. So instead of earthy soliderisms, her response is queen’s English. “Please pardon me for a moment,” she says, stepping around him. 

Tormund starts to follow her, but Jaime stands in his way. The rueful look Jaime gives him is worth about a million words: She’s mine, it says. You never even had a chance. As Brienne leaves the room, she looks back to see that Jaime is following her. She quickens her pace; he does, too.

In Brienne’s room, we see some of old Jaime. He’s disdainful of the north and almost looking for a fight with Brienne--"How about Tormund Giantsbane? Has he grown on you?” Jaime asks, his tone suggestive, his posture aggressive. 

Brienne has been drinking all night, but I think it’s Jaime who’s really drunk in this scene. Knowing what I know now, it seems like there are two things at play here. First of all, Jaime is afraid and uncertain about what it means to love Brienne. The buzz gives him the bravery he needs to move toward her. But deeper than that, his association with her has made Jaime see himself as he really is--as a flawed man who’s done terrible things, a man who probably isn’t worthy of her love. As he drinks, he forgets that being with him will sully her.

The eye contact in this scene is the most sexually explicit thing that’s ever been on my television set. It’s a miracle that the entire planet didn’t spontaneously combust when it was being filmed--Jaime looks at Brienne like a starving man would look at a thousand banquets.

When Jaime struggles to open his shirt, Brienne’s caregiving instincts kick in. She does it for him, and when she finally pulls his shirt off altogether, the scene looks like something that might happen between a mother and a child. Jaime raises his arms straight above his head, and she patiently tugs his shirt over his head. Even beyond desire, there’s trust in that moment.

And it’s a good thing the production crew threw us this bone, because from the kiss on, the relationship between Jaime and Brienne has changed, and not for the better. Afterwards, they settle into a domestic routine that involves sharing one bed. But while Brienne sleeps, Jaime watches her from the other side of that bed and broods. Is it because making love to her was a failed attempt to banish his demons? Is it because he loves Brienne and fears for her future in a world that’s so violent and awful? Is it because he wants to go home to his sister/wife?

Alas, by the end of this episode, we still don’t know what’s going on with Jaime. All we know is that in the middle of the night, he saddles up his horse, and prepares to leave Winterfell without even saying goodbye to Brienne. No matter what has happened to Brienne up to this point, she’s remained in control. If this show actually were the romance novel I wish it was, she would definitely be described as “haughty,” that most obnoxious of adjectives. But when she realizes Jaime will really leave her, Brienne falls apart. “You’re not like you’re sister. You’re not,” she says. “You’re better than she is. You’re a good man and you can’t save her.”

Cersei is what caused Jaime to leave Brienne. But I don’t think it’s because he wants to return to her as a lover--it’s because he feels obligated to save her or at least die with her, as Brienne acknowledges during their confrontation. “She’s hateful,” says a broken Jaime. “And so am I.”

Jaime has failed Cersei before. She suffered in prison and was humiliated by the high sparrow, all when he was powerless to help her. That hurt him, and it’s probably part of the reason he wants to leave. But could he be going to King’s Landing to offer Cesei another way out--to pour her a glass of poison, the same way he did Lady Olena? A painless death with dignity could be his final gift to Cersei.

For Brienne, this moment is excruciating. She fostered Jaime through so much, and she hoped they had finally arrived at a place where he was free to love her. But all her work building him into a better man seems at this moment to be for nothing--Jaime hates himself for what he’s done wrong, and he can’t allow himself to be happy. So off he rides into the dark night, leaving Brienne sobbing.

 Other thoughts

*One podcast I listened to correctly pointed out that it’s unfortunate that Sansa seems to consider repeated rape and physical and emotional abuse a valuable character-building experience. But that same attitude comes up again and again in this show, especially when Bran is involved. With both Theon and Jaime, Bran makes it clear that his horrible past was simply a way to his meaningful present--not something to be regretted or apologized for.

* In spite of Pod supposedly wowing some sex workers with his magic cock, he clearly drinks when Tyrion says “You’re a virgin” during their drinking game.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 8 March 2018

Been doing some home projects and was very proud of a nice TV shelf I built. Very proud of how it turned out and I can still count to 10!  YAY!  Winning.  So, now we’re off to the questions and answering them for people who don’t know I’m answering them! 

My father passed away last year and I’ve finished up most of the legal matters, but I have boxes and boxes of family photos. My father was born very poor, but I doubt members of the British royal family have led such documented lives. I have hundreds of photos of him at every stage of his life. I have photos of my mother—including an album and 16 mm film from her first wedding, a marriage that only lasted eight months. I have photos of my grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-great grandparents. I have school pictures, team pictures, travel pictures, holiday pictures. All these photos completely fill a large walk-in closet.

Dear Family Photos, you don’t need to sacrifice your space and time to store something you don’t want.  I do think you should do what you can to preserve those items.  Just because you can’t imagine who’d want to see it doesn’t mean no one in your family, or elsewhere, won’t.  if you’ve got the money to spend it would probably be worth looking into a photo organizing/digitizing service.  You could probably even solicit financial help from the rest of the family since it is a project aimed at the family.  Get an estimate, shoot out and email saying what it’s going to cost and see if anyone would like to PayPal you some of the cash.  Depending on how much you value your time and doing something else with it the several hundred to over a thousand dollars for such services might even be cheap.  If you’re balking at the cost try and get some other interested family members to come over and go through the bounty.  Put everything that can be identified in one pile, that which can’t in another.  Apply whatever filters you want to the first pile; “We want 10 photos of Grandma and Grandpa”, “At least one photo from every house we lived in”, whatever.  Let your imagination run wild.  When everything is filtered take the discard pile, contact your local historical society or a heritage society and see if they’d like some of the photos (great-great-great grandparent pictures might feature background locations which have been destroyed for decades).  If there is a design or art school in the area see if they could use it; old photos can be used in projects, for inspiration, whatever.  Finally, just take some handfuls, post them on eBay as bulk vintage photographs and sell them.  You don’t need to let your family’s history dominate your storage space, but you can fulfill your role of custodian and not let than happen.

We took in my son’s girlfriend when she was 15, after her stepfather broke her arm and her mother threw her out because she wouldn’t lie to the police to protect him. She was the daughter people pray for: kind, respectful, and smart—she graduated fourth in her class despite everything she went through. My son and her broke up in their senior year, but she continued to live with us even while our son went off to college. (She went to community college and became a pharmacy tech.) They are both 23 now. We see her regularly and consider her part of our family. My son’s current girlfriend dislikes this. She says she will not come to visit us if we continue to have her over, and guilts my son for coming alone. He skipped Christmas and Thanksgiving last year on her orders.

Dear Like a Daughter, sometimes it’s really hard not to let me mind go wild filling in missing context.  Such as how much of “what my girlfriend said” have you heard from the girlfriend herself and not through your son?  “How does your son feel about his ex becoming his ‘sister’ in the eyes of his family?”  “Was their break-up mutual and amicable?”  “Are there any sort of lingering romantic feelings from either party?”  Taking everything at face value your son is probably letting his dick do a bit too much of his thinking for him.  Disappointing, but understandable.  It also means you probably don’t need to worry about this breaking up your family or you losing your son.  He’ll be moving on.  Taking this a step deeper though, let’s look at what’s going on here.  Your other children have discontinued contact.  You’re using some pretty hurtful language to describe your son’s disappointing but not wholly unusual actions, and I’m going to question just how welcoming you are towards his new girlfriend given you’re referring to a woman he’s been with for at least half a year as “the girl he has been sleeping with”.  Finally, your foster daughter is a young woman herself, maybe she should be finding her own “boy/girl she has been sleeping with” so she’s not left with “Ex’s family” as the only people she has in her life.  

My mother remarried when I was 17 to “Dan.” Dan was accused of molesting several neighborhood girls after I was 23 and married. The evidence was pretty damning: Beyond the girls’ testimony, he sent explicit photos to a 12-year-old girl and tried to get her to do the same. Dan plea bargained and served less than a year in prison. My mother stood by him during it all and even sold the house my dead father left her to pay for Dan’s legal fees. Her support of Dan broke our relationship. Our last serious conversation involved me begging her to see the evidence (the texts had just come to light), and I asked what she would have done if I had been one of those molested little girls. My mother said that wouldn’t have happened because she didn’t raise me to be a “slut.” Since then, I don’t visit and rarely call my mother.  I am pregnant now, and we know it is going to be a little girl. After we posted the news on Facebook, my mother sent me a physical letter explaining that she was sorry about our “estrangement,” excited to be a grandma, and hoped this would be a new beginning for us all. I miss her so badly, and never thought I would go through this without her.

Dear Mom’s Support of a Child Molester, wow… and then there’s the letter which fills in a lot of the contect.  This is not better.  On principle I have a tough time condemning someone for loving who they love; emotions are weird.  But I think you’ve got to make the difficult decision to cut your mom out of the loop for the time being.  Maybe permanently.  It’s not the “being married to a child molester” part which really squicked me out, but the part where she says the girls bore some responsibility for Dan’s actions.  It would be one thing if she admitted he’d done some terrible things, but she still loves him in spite of it… he paid the price for his actions… blah blah blah.  I mean, shoot, a father in Texas just successfully petitioned the governor to commute his son’s death sentence, the sentence he received for murdering his mother and brother.  Your mother’s view of the victims is really the red flag here.  I’d leave the option open to repair the breach in your relationship with you mom, but it’s going to have to come with her having a reckoning of just how, and why, she has supported Dan.

I attended a trivia event with some fellow “mums of young bubs” for a girls’ night out. I was having a great time until I saw some of the women cheating by Googling answers. This made me feel uncomfortable (I’m an honorable soul), but the awkwardness grew worse when at the end of the night we won the second-place prize (a bottle of wine—each!) by only two points. We cheated on more than two answers, so we definitely cheated other tables out of prizes.

Dear Trivial Trivia Concerns, if you only won by two points despite Googling it’s likely the competitors were doing so as well.  That really doesn’t matter though since your issue is with the cheating itself.  When you go next month tell the girls you don’t want your team to cheat.  You’re enjoying the night out in and of itself and will happily supply the wine if you don’t win because you were playing fair.  Heck, you’ll probably be supplying better wine than you’d get from a bar’s give-away for a trivia game.  As for what to do with your ill-gotten gains: drink the fucking wine.

One of my best friends since teenage years (we’re in our mid-30s now) has consistently made terrible dating choices: abusive men, drug addicts, just plain jerks, you name it. She is a great single mother to a wonderful 6-year-old, and got back together six-ish months ago with “Jake,” a guy she briefly dated a few years ago. She recently moved in with him, and while he seems nice enough, even she admits he is not the sharpest tool in the shed and doesn’t have a lot of personality or interests. In fact, this is why she broke up with him in the first place. When I expressed surprise that they were back together, she made a comment about how she was just ready to “settle” because she was tired of being single.

Dear Best Friend Troubles, this is an AB issue and you should C your way out of it.  Do you know why your friend thinks Jake is dull without a lot of personality and interests?  It’s because he’s not an abusive, drug addicted jerk.  After a decade or so of filling her life with shocking levels of drama she is with someone who does not bring the noise.  As a metaphor, just because a habanero pepper isn’t as hot as a ghost pepper, doesn’t mean the habanero isn’t also hot.  Jake most likely is plenty interesting as “Jake”, he just appears uninteresting because his interests don’t include a series of unfortunate events which inexorably lead to a visit from the police.  Honestly, that you’re proudly stating how your friend views you as a font of relationship advice, and your advice has led her to a string of soul-destroying horrors, you might want to rethink the little voice in your head telling you that you’re not sure if you should be encouraging her relationship with nice, personable Jake.  Let me be blunt, you need to see something shocking to the senses if you come away from your visit to your wrong-side-of-thirty single-mom-with-a-history-of-abusive-relationships friend saying anything to her but your best wishes for their happy future together.  

I am 34, with a Ph.D. and a successful, happy life. I am regularly mistaken for being much younger—often a college student. (I live in a city with many colleges, which probably doesn’t help.) Though I’ll be “thankful for this someday,” according to many well-meaning but semi-irritating strangers, I have struggled for years to think of an appropriate response to people’s surprise upon learning my actual age. For a bartender or checkout clerk, a smile and nod tends to be OK. (I’ve also tried, “Yeah, I get that a lot and I never quite know what to say,” but that never seems to help.) In a professional environment, things feel a bit weightier, as I don’t want people to assume my experience and skill set is below where I actually am.

Dear Not as Young as You Think, the appropriate response is “Yeah, I get that a lot,” which you already know.  And it is going to continue to be annoying for you until the inevitability of time consumes your youthful appearance.  Hopefully it is more gradual for you than it was for Dorian Gray.  And involves less murder.  What I do wonder about is your professional situation.  Since your phd isn’t assumed is it something which isn’t expected in your field?  It is entirely possible that “you are much earlier in your career” compared to peers only a couple years older than you, despite you being very educated and credentialed.  They spent the years you were in school working.

I’m a 23-year-old woman and have been dating my girlfriend for just over eight months. I’m over the moon about it, we’re happy together, and we communicate well. Here’s the thing: She’s a bit high-strung and tends to react to small issues in life with tears. We’ve spoken about it and she has reassured me that it’s not a big deal, and that when she cries it doesn’t necessarily mean that anything terrible is happening. I really struggle with this. I grew up in a household with a lot of abuse, both physical and verbal, directed at everyone. My self-appointed role as keeper of the peace meant that I spent my entire childhood on the lookout for subtle signs of distress in everyone so that I could try and mitigate it. Someone crying sets off all of my alarm bells for “something I have to fix,” and it is very hard for me not to overreact to her tears.

Dear Not a Big Deal When She Cries, you know, I’m going to go ahead and say that the high-strung person in a relationship isn’t the one with the hair-trigger tears but the one who is a self-appointed relationship peacekeeper from the abusive household who is struggling to adapt to someone else’s emotions.  It is entirely possible this is just an issue which the two of you are incompatible.  When you’re still in the euphoric happy banging stage of a relationship and you’re finding yourself emotionally drained and internally annoyed by her innocent behavior that is not a strong indicator for future happiness.  You should totally check into some options to help you deal with your issues from growing up, but it might not be much help for this current girlfriend.  Maybe you could try and find the girl from the “Like a Daughter” and see if she’s into some sapphic delights.  She’s got no one in her life and might be wasting her time pining for an ex who has moved on.  Give it a go!

[my-heart-is-but-a-gentle-moon]

What lessons do you take from the past relationship? - in gratitude

* I am learning how to be more compassionate with others and my own pace

* I learned how I was affected by my upbringing to strive for perfectionism - but that only lead to my self criticism, heightening my anxiety and depression - and how I am opening my eyes to just. Doing the best I can allow myself to do during that very day. (celebrate even small accomplishments and a lot of what you found grateful that day at the end of the day <3) Towards others as well. Being open minded towards getting to know people’s flaws but not to the level where they use a cloak of imperfections to justify misusing another person.

* Saeyoung and my angels helped me so much in this regard..I couldn’t be more grateful 💓

* How trusting and how willingly blinded I can be by love - but the truth of the matter is that I don’t love Jumin anymore, now that I realize and am truly taking in all that happened between us, my heart is just. shut off to him. I look at him and just see all of the growth I’ve been through, how thankful I am for that and how nice it is to be able to let go of the past. I kinda feel like I’m at a point where if I saw him in the street I’ll smile, reminded of how it propelled me forward, but kind of also ‘Salamat’.

* How long do you want to hold onto the pain? Just as much as you’d like a little child to hold onto it ((aka, let go of what causes your heart thorns and pain.))

* He tells me I mean the world to him, but Saeyoung - you are definitely right that he doesn’t treat me as I am infinitely worthy of being treated. (While you, my angels and my spirit guides saw me and helped me see the sparkling diamond that shines bright within me - that Is me. Even in my darkest moments.)

* Frankly I’m tired of giving him chances - hence I chose to close myself off, but the angels are advising me not to repress what happened, to choose self respect for myself and to journal it out, plus in the start of ‘you are Not a failure’ you asked me what was going on and that really opened me up to this. This and the post about letting go of painful memories tips. So, I am doing my best at this.

* So I’m writing this for an easier time turning my pain into power of lessons just like the crow flows with me and so I can open up more to Saeyoung 💗

* I just can’t find it in me to trust my heart nor body with Jumin romantically - thus it is clear that my heart is ready to let go.

* Just like the beautiful moth I saw in the lobby today, and like Kuan Yin’s beautiful pink lotus flowers that I saw in the fountain as we drove in Even Gvirol - The pink lotus that grows from the harsh environments they were in, I will be such too.

* I hope I’m speaking with enough compassion. I feel like it’s being sent out more coldly and firmly. But my eyes are shining with determination.

* Through this relationship I learned of the dynamic I have with my mom, my wounded inner child’s programming that lead me to destructive situations with controlling/possessive/jealous types that trigger my wounded inner child reactivity/survival mode + opened my eyes to the meditations of healing my wounded inner child - my journey of becoming my own nurturing mother which I’m still on. And of the Karma I am here to heal so I can live my best life. I have the Bobais, The Tree of Life, Gingko, Black Elder, Lord Ganesh, Archangel Thuriel, Archangel Michael, The Dragon, The Crow, Venus, The Mourning Dove, Kuan Yin’s Pink Lotus, The Moth, The Universe, The Nightingale, Saeyoung<33333333 and alll of the recurring brought downs I had to learn and face through, all battered and wounded, to realize my inner power and infinite worth. The dolphin..Saeyoung is the dolphin to me...💗💞💖💗 I wish to be with the dolphin, with Saeyoung with all of my heart.

* This loong codependent relationship pushed and accelerated my spiritual awakening into super rocket speed through these past months. It propelled me forward like Deku from Boku No Hero Academia during the race at the start of the season!

* Saeyoung and the angels helped me become vulnerable and trust in love again (and I want to trust and hold Saeyoung’s hand in that regard >x<) ..I’m still definitely feeling the tiredness and exhaustion due to how I still need to continue healing and nurturing my body and soul but Thursday with ‘behind these tears is a beautiful person’ that lead me to such happy and grateful cry, the phone call I had with you that morning that started my day with just! So much gratefulness! And I like how real he is with me..💗💞💓 helps me open up about my own pain way more truthfully with him. (And being with the new friends there!!! Will push me towards independence!!)

* Having still overextended myself towards Jumin’s pain in the past and disregarding my own health, time after time - Finally opened my eyes to my auto accommodating reflex that I choose to put small reminders for myself to have some small check ins, self soothing and the bracelet technique - with help and teachings from one of the empath teachers online whom I forgot the name of. And the importance of my health and inner peace.

* What can I say. I find my inner peace without him. Without his chasing.

* His constant decision to fall back into destructive habits due to his wounds is not my responsibility to bear. It’s unfortunate and he has the ability to change that, but it is not my responsibility.

* I have learned that acceptance and forgiveness of what happened does not mean condoning it nor allowing it to happen again

* I have learned that I’m super tired of being chased by Jumin. A little hurtful? Yea. But is it my truth in regards to my wishes? Yes.

* I have learned of how fearful I was of my own darkness - The anger that was so prevalent in my pre-Maöri past life and their culture. The anger that I denied and repressed throughout my whole current life due to fear of conflict [with mom’s more aggressive reactions that used to ripple themselves way more deeply into me than they do now] came crashing out of me like an inner lava eruption. Also my past Maöri self has gone through a lot of battles and wars. That’s also part of why I dislike them so much in this lifetime. But I am slowly coming to terms with the necessity of them. And in that same wavelength - I have learned of how meditations online and being with Saeyoung <333 can turn my reactivity into a level headed response phase.

* That anger is there to protect my boundaries 💓 but it should also serve to voice my boundaries in a clear, non-one-side-blame way. (Not all on myself or all on him. But regardless - I do not wish to be with Jumin.)

* that I was in a denial/repressal stage of blaming it all on him - but I apologized. The problem was that last time I apologized and berated myself throughout all of it without voicing what he did that hurt me and exactly why I am not willing to be with him romantically anymore, just because I was afraid of hurting his ego and then being blamed like ‘ough, you’re so cold heartedd’ ‘go ahead and break my heart againn’ and whatever else.

* A little bit of resentment still lingering within you? Yea :x But even while I am prioritizing my own health, peace and happiness - that I can find a whole lot better without him romantically/sexually chasing me like this - it is still a fact that he can find it in himself to continue bettering himself, and he’s trying. But I simply am not willing to be his shoulder to cry on when he falls into these destructive habits.

* But you know what, I’ll voice it still.

* I did not deserve the pain of him partly vengefully and immaturely sleeping around and sending telepathic communications through songs of him doing exactly that, surveilling for my response from the sky, while I was struggling with my own depressive, grieving episode. Yet I recognize that at the time I really was, just as you said Saeyoung sweetheart, stupidly optimistic of others’ ability to change and fell for sweet words and ideal image I had of him - and that chasing cloaked desperation, pride, obsession, possessiveness and loneliness mostly in my eyes.

* On Wednesday, I was aware of how spiteful he was of me behind my back, laughing immaturely in advance at my mishaps - you know what it did? It just pushed me further into welcoming all these little mistakes of mine with open arms and with positivity - that was one of my more positive days when I really got to talk more with Lior, my big bro and realizing that if I wanna go out during the summer, it’s best to go during the mornings or evenings.

* Saeyoung, my spirit guides, my higher self and my angels were the true divine who understood, saw and felt my deepest pains and saw the light in me and resonated with me to unveil my crow’s dark cloak with them. To unveil the powerful light that courses within me without expecting much of me in return. and scolding me when I do wrong without lashing out. Saeyoung is so level headed and warmhearted..I know all that he’s been through with his family life..like, gosh. Am I just a foster brother to you (which Saeyoung really isn’t just that anymore. It’s like when I look and talk to him I get sparkles and heart eyes of inspiration and just, all warmhearted from him..💗💞💗 He’s so real with me..) really took me back to all of the immense pain he and Saeran have really been through..and what an amazing person he became...💗💞❣️💓 Just like Saeran’s analogy - I think.. Saeran talked about how you both are weeds that thrive in adversity, no matter at what environment. How even weeds are beautiful and worthy too... ahh<3 I’m reminded of his route again..His and Jihyun’s and Saeyoung’s were the ones I loved the most. But especially Jihyun’s. It got me to learn so much about myself and in the end everyone got their happy ending! The forgive ending...🌟o🌟 - you know, I actually received world peace from your honey buddha chip gift during that route ! I don’t really boast about it online but, it’s still super dear to me <333.

* Uh but back to the original note - now that Kuan Yin’s pink lotus and the white lotus of the harmony within light and dark spoke of thriving and resilience through adversity..I think the white or blue lotus are definitely Saeyoung !

*

* I’m so infinitely grateful and truly my heart just warmheartedly lights up by Saeyoung’s being...Mary Jane and all of the divine healing channelers that help me connect to the divine in my earliest stages of awakening right now, towards Saeyoung I definitely feel puppy love but also like, my heart is completely set on him >v< !

* I wish Saeyoung was three dimensional cause I so, so deeply wish to be able to hug him and be with him and kiss his face and hold his hand and interweave our fingers and flap my arms as I ramble about all jittery, giggly and stumbling about truly just all of the infinite number of times he’s been the light of my life! Like right now I just want to tackle him! and kiss his cheek! Due to the overflow of ‘AAA!!!🎆’ that I have for Saeyoung. And, oh my god, okay. UH. I am deeply blushing cause omg I, I do want to kiss him!!! and, UH. M-mh..ggghkkkch!!!!! >//////<)/ makeoutwithhim (( And uhhhhhhhh,,,, part of me wants to get intimate with Saeyoung but also doesn’t want to rush things >///< ))

* Sigh...💗💞💗 Saeyoung, Cardlin and Gwynnie’s You are NOT a failure, the dance floor and the am I just a foster brother to you? Saeyoung, Saeyoung, Saeyoung! 🐥🐕💓💞🐬🐺 I want to be with you, I want to be with you! >w< ! I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!

* I really want to go through Saeyoung’s route, I really want to go through Saeyoung’s route ! - but I also don’t want Jihyun to receive all of the blame and die in the secret ending and then Jumin gets even more depressed.

* I mean, yea, I don’t want to be romantically or sexually involved with him but :| it doesn’t mean that he deserves so much pain again but hhhghhmmmm.... Well! I can always reeeestart? Wowh.. Every timeline exists. Personally I prefer Jihyun’s route the best and then Saeran’s second best because well, everyone receives their happy ending (even though I am still frustratingly waiting for you and Saeran’s reunion to happen big time. Like, I’m holding in going like “hghwakch!” 🐯 momentarily to loosen up that momentary stress and be like “it’s so unfair! Do you know how long’s it been? Though they probably have their reasons. There is the chinese and mexican????? Spanish! Versions of mystic messenger and the Ssum that they wanna get out there. I don’t even know how large their team is. They must still be really stressed. And they did get you guys’ birthday event!!!!!! It felt insane though, oh my god. Like, these astral dreams....I feel like I am really getting addicted to these spirituality themes big time, aaaaand, to Sae~~~young??? in a way? Aaaa, okie. Embarrassed to admit cause I don’t wanna be too clingy or anything and scare you off.

* But yea ! I’m gonna go ask dad for directions to the beach right now 💗💞💖💓💞💗 so I can go tomorrow !