#unfortunately i wouldnt be able to post that here. sad world

[pine-needle-shuffle]

dude rusty you gotta draw wedge in the fucking. what is it. the slutty little utility belt situation. with the suspenders. you know the one. rest of the clothes optional

YES. PERFECT

[molusca]

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do? throw herself onto a pyre? is she not allowed to feel lousy that this whole thing blew up in her face? because she's an adult and she made a mistake, she's not allowed to be sad or stressed? she's still an imperfect human. apologizing immediately usually means people are still sensitive to their own hurt of being called out because it's fresh and on their mind so it tends to slip into their apology, but if she had waited any longer to compose herself, you guys would probably have an issue with how long she took. also, in aaaaaallll of this, I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic? I've read her fic and I personally can't see anything wrong, although I will admit that yes, I'm a white ciswoman but I'd like to think I'm aware of negative tropes. but the only thing touted is "it made an mlm uncomfortable" but HOW??? honestly, I want to know! if anything so I can avoid doing the same thing! how is anyone meant to learn when you're not bringing up these points as often as you're explicitly laying out the problems in her apology and whatnot. I've seen 6 posts about how shit the apology was and for why and I've not once seen the original comment detailing why the fic was problematic, and I've been looking on twit, tumblr, insta, and ao3. if it's been deleted, why isn't anyone stating again and again what's wrong? also, if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it. there's one artist that's pretty popular on Twitter and I personally really hate they way they draw klance but it's all over my tl. I respect that person's art style and creativeness and keep on moving. other people enjoy it, good for them. and if I start reading something and get surprised with something I dont like, I leave! find people who write things you like and stop engaging with creators who's things you don't like, as far as I know no one is holding a gun to your head making you read problematic fic. also for as much as you rag on her for the words she used to apologize, you don't seem to be considering your own words when offering criticism. if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully? lastly, no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way (like you should do when it come to kl content creators you don't like). people sending hate in Taylor's defense are in the wrong I agree, and this isn't hate its critism its a discussion, but Taylor isn't responsible for, how many people did you say? 16k on twit? even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense. I see so many younger fans expecting perfection in their fandoms and that just isn't going to happen. yes we should be striving to be better but no one is ever going to be perfect. not you, not me, not the mlm person, not Taylor, not anyone on any side of this argument. the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.- 🦛

she apologized for how she handled the situation and apologized for brushing off someone's honest criticisms as hate. what more is she meant to do?

im pretty sure i said its good that she realizes she handled it poorly. but she makes the whole apology about this, doesnt directly talk about the issues and i know someone went to her to talk about it. also, it took her a day to say something about it so it wasnt exactly immediate (in the sense people had already stopped talking about it but that doesnt mean they werent still bothered). the apology was directed at mlm, and i havent seen one saying it felt genuine. of couse she can be hurt but when you apologize to a marginalized group the focus shouldnt be your feelings, but the feelings of the ones you have hurt.

I've have yet to once see what exactly about her work is so problematic?

she admits to be projecting on lance. so she makes him very femine and keith very masculine. and ok, gay couples like that do exist, but she is a woman projecting in this situation so this bothers people. putting mlm in this position is a harmful steriotype, bc it feels very heterosexual. this is a trope, it unfortunately happens a lot and its harmful. women need to be aware of what they are representing when drawing/writing mlm because well, real mlm are going to see it, and no one likes to feel like a fetish to others. and its not our place to question if the criticism is right or wrong when we are not mlm, so if you read this and think “but thats not a problem thats not a fetish etc” well, its not your place to judge that. theres more to it and you probably could get a better answer from a mlm sorry.

if someone is making fic/art you don't like, don't. interact. with. it. there's tons of stuff on ao3 and twit that I don't like, some of it that I think is disgusting (do you know how many fics there are with keith/kosmos?) and I just scroll past it cause it can't hurt me if I don't read it.

please, lets not compare a minority pointing out harmful tropes with. something fucking illegal.

as you said, you are a cis woman, of course its not going to hurt you in this case. but if people are making harmful content its not a simple matter of “dont interact with it” because they will still be promoting it, other people are going to read it, and media influences how we see minorities so of course people will not like when they see bad portrayal of them. also, tumblr sucks so even if you want to just “dont interact with it” its hard because even after blocking you can still cross the content of someone. not sure how it works on twitter but anyway this discussion started on tumblr and tumblr doesnt stop people who were bothered by her to avoid her by blocking.

if Taylor mistook the person's words as hate, couldn't it have been because the way he worded the complaint was done hatefully?

i think she deleted the ask by now, but i dont remember the ask being hateful. i remember someone asking if she was a fujoshi, and another person mentioned that mlm didnt like the way she portrayals klance. i dont remember it being hateful. but again, she apologized for handling it badly. its just that she stops there.

no one, absolutely no one, is required to talk about world issues when they're running a fandom account,no matter how "big" they are. we all know what's going on in the world, we're surrounded by sad and stressful stories practically 24/7 and if someone isn't, they're probably curating their social feeds to be that way

ignoring world issues is a privilege. if someone is able to turn off from all the problems in the world, its a privilige. yes no one should talk aobut it all the time thats not even healthy, but to never talk about it is a privilege. thats what black people are saying, they cant just turn off from racism, so yes they are going to expect white people to do something. online honestly i cant do shit, i dont think anything i reblog here does a difference and i do what i can in my own country, but she has a plataform that could help bring awareness. again, its a privilege to be able to curate your social media to be a perfect happy place.

even if she said hey guys stop, you think they would? she's can't control all those people and expecting her to is nonsense.

maybe they wouldnt, but if people were doing this type of thing in my name, in my defense, i would at least say something about it idk. she cant control them but she makes nothing to show that she disagrees or look for the people being harassed to say something about it.

the only way to avoid this kind of circular dog piling and hate sending is to better curate your fandom experience by ignore those you have issues with.

when it comes to simple things like “i prefer taller lance and i dont like taller keith” yeah, its fine to ignore people who draw taller keith and move on with your life or something like that. but we are talking about mlm, a real group of people, being upset for being portrayed in a harmful and steriotype way. its everywhere in fandom, and in real life. they cant escape from real life, and then they come to fandom where everyone wants some escapism and have to deal with more issues. its tiring

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>

[rkxangel]

too little too late (cover) (public) uploaded by krystal.valentine / 4 hours ago

sorry i haven’t posted some stuff in a while but here you go!! a cover from one of my favourite singers, jojo. :)

it’s complicated.

she hasn’t posted a recording in a long time since being she’s signed her name to the music industry to pursue a difficult dream of becoming an idol one day. the truth is, it’s not really her dream but following the footsteps of what her parents wanted her to fulfill. she wishes that she was competent, just good enough to make it through a debut but she knows that she’s never enough. these days, krystal has had immense hardships as she’s separated from sehun. the lonely nights come back once more ( just as she’s thought she’s buried them in a grave ). the same monsters that held her to the point she would shake, cry silently and not scream out a single word with a million thoughts racing in her mind. these problems break her inside as she’s only been trying to run away when things get worse. that’s right, she should’ve expected it. what was her decision? to back off and say words she’s regretting? that’s right. she didn’t back herself up with honesty, just throwing fists by the choice of words that cut like a knife, to him.. the one who’s only ever been there.

and she’s back in her zone, crumbling through the days but music helping her get through the times. singing her heart with covers or her compositions, recording in the studio all day when there’s downtime from training is her medicine to her heartache. it burns so much that it feels like the moment they both agreed on taking a break, a part of her soul was ripped from her heart. in a way, she sees oh sehun as her twin flame. not exactly the same soul but the one who’s able to stitch her heart or break it. she feels so complete with him.. but without him, her world is a void currently. 

the lighting in the room is so dim, but the camera focuses on her features perfectly. she doesn’t care enough to polish her face with makeup as she prefers to go au nautrel themes anyways. from where she’s started, she has realised her so much potential with her voice. the tone might be nasally but not like before, she’s definitely improved. her control is better with her notes, she can run tougher riffs and runs! as the instrumental starts playing, she opens her lips to pour out the pain in her heart. singing, that’s her saviour.

come with me stay the night just say the words but, boy, it don’t feel right what do ya expect me to say? (you know it’s just too little, too late) you take my hand and you say you’ve changed but, boy, you know your begging don't fool me because to you it's just a game

(you know it's just too little, too late) so let me go now 'cause time has made me strong i'm starting to move on i'm gonna say this now your chance has come and gone and you know

the lyrics are slightly different than what she’s going through but she feels empowered through her vocals, showing emotion with her intense vocals and facial expression on the camera as she hits the notes wonderfully. it isn’t getting to the part where she has to do the adlibs and the higher notes, of course. so she’s at a good start with the song. the melody meshes with her soft yet strong tone.

it's just too little, too late a little too long and i can't wait but you know all the right things to say (you know it's just too little, too late) you say you dream of my face but you don't like me you just like the chase to be real it doesn't matter anyway

(you know it's just too little, too late) yeah, yeah, it's just too little, too late, mhm i was young and in love i gave you everything but it wasn't good enough and now you wanna communicate (you know it's just too little, too late) go find someone else in letting you go i'm loving myself you got a problem but don't come asking me for help  'cause you know

they’ve been with one another since their younger age, the ice princess and oh sehun. she’s grown so much with him but there’s still things that they need to work on. truthfully, she admits to this as stubborn and burdensome she may appear to be. there’s still that part of her that has trouble conveying her true colours but not like before, she does vocalise her emotions but it appears to be better when she sings or write through some form of poetry.

it's just too little, too late a little too long and i can't wait but you know all the right things to say (you know it's just too little, too late)

you say you dream of my face but you don't like me you just like the chase to be real it doesn't matter anyway (you know it's just too little, too late) 

i can love with all of my heart, baby i know i have so much to give (i have so much to give) with a player like you, i don't have a prayer that's no way to live oh, mmm, no it's just too little, too late yeah! 

and her higher notes come natural to her as she’s a light lyric soprano, despite how shrilling they may sound at times. krystal has adjusted to what sounds best and what doesn’t when it comes to her range, she likes to keep it at a calm pace. unfortunately, there were cutscenes where she deleted that provoked her tears but she cut that portion out and re-recorded what wouldn’t make it obvious to the public that she did have a relationship since both in the idol and trainee world, dating is strictly prohibited. but clearly, her sadness is still seen through her distinct eyes.

it's just too little, too late a little too long and i can’t wait but you know all the right things to say (you know it’s just too little, too late) you say you dream of my face but you don’t like me you just like the chase to be real it doesn’t matter anyway (you know it’s just too little, too late)  you know it's just too little, too late (i can't wait, no) 

her falsetto possesses and airy but sweet sound to it, her melisma compliments the sound of the notes as they don’t come off too overwhelming.

it's just too little, too late a little too long and i can’t wait but you know all the right things to say (you know it’s just too little, too late) you say you dream of my face but you don’t like me you just like the chase to be real it doesn’t matter anyway (you know it’s just too little, too late)

when the song ends, the ice princess bows in front of the camera and waves goodbye. the video transitions to a black screen.

her heart’s still bleeding.

[midz13]

Sorry for being abscent tumblr, I’ve been super busy with the work! I’ll make a mega update here to get us caught up, and ill upload more photos after.

Since unwrapping the environment I have taken it to substance, got all the maps generated, made some optimisations on render time (Still some noise but render time is at 18minutes at some points so wont push it any more - waiting to hear back from Sang on how good the render time is/optimised the scene is before i send render farm requests) and done my animating!! Phew!

The substance painter stuff was good fun - I learend some lessons with the character, and knew the best way to approach this was to put everything under one material that I wanted on one map. To that end I put the entire room (walls floor etc) as one material (due to its physical size and wanting to put text on the floor) and the objects within the room - computers, piping, platform etc - on another atlas. Both atlas’ were 4k, and the only exceptions to that was a few individual maps - one for the robotic arms holding her, as I made them seperate and couldnt/dont know how to combine maps, and one for the pistol (ill show in next post) as I did that after (I decided a couple days before starting animation to test myself to model, wrap and texture a pistol in one day - I did it!! :D

I messed around with colour palette a bit with the room. I wanted a dark ominous room, but felt that showing the room with grey or dark surfaces lost the clean room/labratory feel. I think its vitally important in a sci-fi environment to try to keep real world links as close as possibly as they act like markers for the viewer to follow. I.e. by maintaing an aesthetic in this room or a labratory or hospital with the clean shiney surfaces, and the screen terminals using words like testing etc, the viewer will hopefully understand that its a lab/test facility of some description for the robot - That’s the plan anyway. By making the room darker, it might all into question the use or purpose of building. For example. is she there to be interogated? Has she been captured? As opposed to thinking oh this is a new technology...

I’ve not done any animation before, so was both excited and concerned to start, although it was a nice change of pace and helped keep me interested with a change of the usual workflow.

Luckily, as my story focuses on her being restrained for a large majority of the film, I didn’t have any massively challenging animation to do. However this didn’t mean I would coast the work and get it done as soon as possible. I wanted to make sure her acting and performance read as clearly as possible, as I need her movements to be one of the key indicators of her “state” i.e. human, or robot. I also quickly created blendshapes for her - I planned on her being unable to emote, but I felt this was a bit of a cop out. I didn’t want her to open her mouth, sure, as I felt that was a one way trip to uncanny that I coulnd’t use within the story, and would make her impossible to empathise with (if I had time, sure it would be a fun experiment to see what worked better, but time isnt on my side). This did mean that her emotions were slightly limited , BUT, because i wanted her to see trapped in her own body, and like her faculties were limited (due to the fact her head has been removed and put on a robot!!) I think it worked well. I created blendshapes for fear, sadness, anger, a blink, and a frown (to augment the other emotions). I’m so glad I did these, as the became key in a few of the shots, and really make them pop, and make her “come to life”, so I’m pleased I took the time to do them.

The animation was fun, a few issues came up however, but for the most part it was pretty straight forward. I took some videos of myself doing some of the movements as reference for the animations. I tried to do it in a week or less, which I managed, to make sure that I stay on target time wise, and as I opted to use After Effects to show the screens, I wanted extra time to learn - I want the screens to flash and change, and thought it would also be a good oppotunity to learn how to use After Effects as I’ve not used it at all.

I’ve spent a bit of time too working on camera movement and set up. I’ve weant for a 25mm focal length for most shots to show as much of the set as possible, situating the camera more. I try to frame each shot as well as possible to make it look good, draw the viewers eye to key information, and on a few shots, frame screens so that they can get plot information as to what is going on. It’s been difficult to make sure the camera looks as natural as possible, and not like a maya camera, which is tough. Camera work itself is an entire artform in itself...

So, I want to discuss a few of the issues I’ve had and how I got around them or solved them.

So, as I mentioned I had some issues with the animatiom. These came from the rig, and the blendshape.

First of all the blendshapes for her face - as I think I mentioned before, I did blenshapes for her bicepts so that when she moves her arm, her biceps will tense and relax to show that movement. It’s very subtle and probably never be noticed, but it looks cool when you look for it, and it was a great learning experience. I had to move its order in the channel editor to make sure it moved at the right time within the rig, and it worked totally fine, and easier than I thought! I did the same with the shoulder muscles, but more as corrective blendshapes as the rig/deformations isnt perfect. However, the face blendshapes wouldn’t play ball... I tried adjusting their order, I tried every combination, I tried deleting their history and their transforms, nothing worked - everytime I applied them, her head would shoot off into the distance. I spoke with both Sang and Michael and Patrick Sloan, eventually the 2 Sloans worked out that by deleting the meshes post, and applying them all as one blendshape (originally I did them one by one) it worked. I tried doing them as one BS without deleting them and for some reason it didnt work. I took it as it was and even asked Sang if he knew why (he didnt). As long as it worked though, I didnt care...

The next issue with the rig was something that totally slipped by somehow; When I rotate her global control her chest and abdomen wouldnt deform right AT ALL. I had no idea how it happened and started freaking out. The 2 Sloans couldn’t work it out either. If I grabbed her chest and her global, she would rotate better, but her stomach would twist up strangely. Eventualy Sang diagnosed that the issue was the IK Spine not twisting right, and that I must have done something wrong during the rigging stage. This was super frustrating as I took my time with the rig and followed Sang’s video perfectly. It must have been one little step, a constrain or a parent, that i missed, omited, or applied incorrectly, and more than a month later, it came to the surface. I was especially confused/frustrated as I tested the rig post completion and binding to check, but obviously hadnt used the global control to twist her. Sang found a work around, but it did mean that one of her spine controls was lost. I then realised towards the end of the animating that a few of her poses caused strange deformations, like verts jutting our, or generally not following the rest of her body too well. I would go into weight paints and smooth out the issue as best I could even though I couldnt see anything glaringly obvious, like an arm joint effecting her lower stomach, but now that I’m processing this, I wonder if perhaps losing a handle reassigne weights and didnt do it right??

Another issue I had was her armor and torso/muscles being SUPER Shiny. I couldn’t work this out especially as she looked totally fine within substance. Initially I assumed it was an arnold render setting and that I hadn’t turned samples high enough, but after optimising the samples using Sang’s tutorla (which made the render time too high unfortunately) I realised the issue remained. One day I eventually decided it wasn’t right and that it wasn’t just me - it was too much. I worked my way through Arnold’s material settings, turning this up, down, off, every which way, to see if it effected the shine. I eventually found the culprit was Diffuse Roughness and nothing more, and that by simple adjusting the exposure/alpha in the settings, it reduced this shine completely. The way I set up my materials meant that it effected her whole texture (even though muscle/skin and armor are in different graphs) so I lost a tiny bit of shine to her skin, but I think it still looks fine - if anything before hand her lips looked too shiney, as if she had on lip gloss.

I also had some issues creating the cabling for her helmet. I needed the cabes to flex and bend with her as they moved. In my head the best way would be and IK set up. Initially I tried this, and I use a cube to measure the start and end points, and used an arc to create a perfect bend over the 90 degrees. This was a good idea, and the cable could go from a 90 degree bend to perfectly straight, but any additional bend didnt work and just turned the cable. I then started thinking about IK Splines, and watched a few tutorials online but couldnt get it to work. It made sense though, a spline would allow the perfect movement! Evnetually me and Sang spoke a few times and he was able to find a solution. An spline set up that didnt work like an IK and meant I had to do lots of manual adjustments, but for the most part it looks great. So for the small cables on the sides of her helmet, i kept the simple but effective “fire and forget” IK cables, and for the rear of her head I used the spline, as this area would move and twist much more. It took a while to create and solve, but meant that it looked good and only took a small amount of additional work to animate.

I will upload some more images, such as test shots, the pistol (which barely gets any screen time, but only took a day to work on so not a massive loss.

Only a few weeks to go! Waiting for Sang to get back to me on scene set up and optimisation, once that gets the green light I’ll start sending render farm requests!

[untoldfayrietales]

re·sil·ient \ri-ˈzil-yənt\

Why is it always underrated to seek and take advice from the people who failed the board exam?

They should be heard too. We should be heard too. I should be heard too.

Yes. You've read it right. I failed the recent interior design board exam, yet I am not ashamed to admit it. All of the examinees almost felt the same and experienced the same, so what made it different from those who passed? Anyway, It is also good to hear us (or me) out. Because not everybody would understand how to be joyful and resilient in (all) circumstances.

Resilency is what I have learned starting from the time I didn't get to enter my dream school for my highschool, times when I have to repeat my Kumon worksheets, persevered in my Thesis, and looked for another job after the rejection of not being hired. There are series of experiences that would mold me to have the ability to bounce back no matter how sad I became or how tragic it feels. The comfort and assurance that you will have because you are in the Lord and that you believe that His plans will prevail. Dont get me wrong, I cried a bucketful of tears, questioned my abilities and whole being. I felt so disappointed at myself. I also came to a point where I see myself as someone who always fails. Who disappoints everyone in the world, who doesnt have any purpose at all. I cried. I get sad from time to time. I get anxieties every night and it hunts me. It freaking hunts me and eventually eats me and my hope. But here’s a good reminder that pushes me to strive harder for tomorrow, the fact that seeds are buried down the soil--- dark and under, for it to grow and bloom. It also has its own time and pace because not all seeds are the same. As well as a reminder of “if I am NOT Happy on how I did today, I can always strive and improve tomorrow.” Better said than done right? but if you come to realize these things, it will hit you deep down in your heart and mind. If you come to surrender everything and trust in the process and what the Lord has planned you, then you can find peace. Peace within. Advice to those who failed? What can I say about the exam even if I didnt make it? What will I do after knowing the (unfortunate) results?

Well, here’s my cent or two: advice? NEVER STOP. Try again, NOW. Yes, no matter how tragic it feels, what you have to do is to accept and try again, as long as the PRC Allows you to retake, then go. What else and how else will you get the license? There are no shortcuts and easy way, dear. Everything worth it, everything beautiful and sweet are to work hard for.  what can I say? It may be a very subjective thought and opinion. You might find me boastful and not reliable if I were to say that the exam was easy. But, my dear, it was. I didnt pass because I didn't finish the drawing part and Part of me was really sick at that moment. I was feeling nervous and stressed. I was not able to think clearly and I have to admit I really didnt do well. I am veryyyy slow in doing the drawings, as well as I had a hard time “defending” my work. it was my weakest point, so from that day, I know I wouldn't make it, but hey, I tried. I passed everything, all of the subjects, except for the drawing part -- and yes, it pulled my grade that results to failure. And boy, it was hard for me to rejoice with my passing batchmates and friends but do know I am very very grateful and happy for them. I still feel some regrets with my personal performance but what can I do? IMPROVE, PRACTICE and TRY AGAIN. and if you are afraid to take the exams because of the possibility of failing? girl, chin up and take that exam, let go of what scares you because your mistakes and failures won't define you.  and If you failed and scared to try again, then, take your time to heal but dont make it longer, try and try again. don't let one failure or even two failures or three failures or even more failures stop you.  What will I do after seeing the results? Accept. heal. move on. Easier said than done right? Dont get me wrong again because I may be quiet about it but it still hunts me at night randomly. It still projected to me by my interviewers as if passing an exam is an easy task. Interviewers even insult, degrade or question me for not passing but you know what? Brush it off. You dont need that negativity in your life (haha!) Just so you know, reverse psychology isn't effective to me, as well as I am a very sensitive person (personal friends would know this) so what happens and is happening currently for me is very degrading (if that's the right word). I would probably say Im laughing the sadness away but even so, I manage to learn not to take everything personally, and not to not care at all but the art of not giving a f*ck as they would say. I managed to brush off things at the moment so that it wouldnt eat me. It wouldnt take SOOOOO much of my time.  As I’ve said earlier, Resiliency. The ability to “bounce back” after being hurt and thrown so deep. The Lord has been extending his love and mercy through good good friends and family I have around. The Lord has been teaching me to be humble and patient in everything I do, as well as reminds me to do everything for Him, and to Him. I tell you, you’ll never go wrong with trusting the Lord. It is more powerful than trusting yourself.  To you who were able to read this until here, thank you for your time. Thank you for visiting (inaalikabok na ‘tong “blog” na to pero salamat napadpad ka pa).  https://untoldfayrietales.tumblr.com/ask ^talk to me virtually HAHA I have nothing to do at the moment. Any thoughts, improvements (Im sorry If I have typos or wrong grammar sentences, sobrang raw lang talaga nitong post na ‘to), or anything you wanna know? Also, Im open for “Review Tips” if you have questions regarding it. Some things I just realized after taking the boards itself and some encouragements I guess hehe. 

[schlenanigans]

Sundown on Cape Town

[JANUARY 30, 2019]

Howzit ma brus?

What a whirlwind few weeks in the Mother City!! I cannot believe my time in Cape Town already came and went. Between spending half the last weekend in the Winelands and the other driving down the Cape to see the southwestern-most point of Africa and the PENGUINS at Boulders Beach (along with some of the best fish & chips EVER), the time flew by, but man did we have a good time! 

I realize that in my last post I did a very poor job of laying out exactly what I am doing, for those of you that I did not explain it all to in person :)

Remote Year is the name of a company that offers 4- and 12-month itineraries around the world. I was picked by my company to choose an itinerary; I was given 4 options and the one I chose was here in Africa and Europe… the company has many itineraries going in different areas at once, both 4 and 12; mine is a 4-monther called Kuungana, which means “connect” in Swahili…. and did I mention there are 50 of us? We did our first month here in the Mother City, head next to Marrakesh for 5 weeks, followed by 4 weeks each in Lisbon and Valencia. Each group has a Program Leader accompanying them to all the cities on the itinerary; our mama on Kuungana is Jen, a wonderfully bubbly and funny Aussie who has been living the nomad life for 4 years and been working for Remote Year for over 2— she rules. Once you have completed a program, you can jump into any city where there is a group and take advantage of the activities and resources that RY makes available to their newly christened Citizens (what they call folks who have finished a program). Obviously, I am already making big plans to figure out where I am going in May once my run with Kuungana has ended.  

But I digress. With the whole setup of Remote Year, you truly do feel like you have an entire network in the city you find yourself, and there is always someone willing to go find a new restaurant or explore a new neighborhood. They encourage everyone to get to know EVERYone, which is actually kind of nice, as you find yourself able to talk to anyone in the group and have shared interesting interpersonal experiences in close proximity. And did I mention there are 50 of us in the Kuungana fam?  It’s also interesting to learn bit by bit about what people do for work and how they form work habits in a remote environment. Some people are adhering strictly to their American work hours; others are not working at all. Some of use hang in the workspace til 11PM, others are early birds knocking out their tasks in the early morning. Today we actually had an “UNconference’, a quick event where everyone presented one slide about what they do, like to talk about, can offer to teach other, and want to learn from others…it was such a neat opportunity to understand how people got here, but also get an idea of the great resources available when you bring together a group of gifted and talented people, to see what other ways we can work and learn. Everyone is so eager to help, it is pretty freakin rad to see.

I have already gotten really close with my “tramily”— my travel family (an RY term, not mine)— and it’s pretty interesting to reflect upon the relationships forged in the first month, both with the other Remotes and with the folks on the city teams and who work for Remote Year. Obviously, I am already making big plans to figure out where I am going in May once my run with Kuungana has ended.

As my month in Cape Town came to a close, I found myself reflecting on the time warp… it feels like I just got there … and now I have already left. I was so sad to be leaving “so soon”… but I am also filled with excitement and anticipation at what this next stop brings. January has been a true emotional rollercoaster— mostly highs, a couple lows, with a little stress in the mix to keep me honest. It feels like Cape Town was sort of a holiday, one on which I had to work, but also one on which I went NON.STOP. Seriously, no sleep. So, it will be nice to chill and spend a little more time alone and reflecting…. this whole journey is one of the crazier things I have had the opportunity to do in my life— and I have had a lot of crazy opportunities— and I am determined to squeeze every last drop out of the experiences; I remain unbelievably grateful. I have met amazing people, seen amazing sights, learned a lot about South Africa and its history and people, (hit some pretty rad parties,) and found myself feeling so at home and in love with the place. I was SO not ready to leave, and I already can’t wait to go back. (And I am still convinced I will marry a South African…)

I know I promised to be good about sharing, through photos and more…. This month I did not do a good job on ye olde social media; but I hope you all know that I have been living my best life, enjoying the moments to the fullest, and feeling incredibly blessed to share every second with people that I love, whether I knew them before getting here or met them upon arrival. Having Kristina and Nadia and Kelsey from home be around to get a glimpse into what this whole thing is (and drive convertibles down the coast of Africa while on a carrot cake tour for the ages) has been so special and SOOOO fun. I said it before, I’ll say it again: this is a life-changer.

🇲🇦Next stop: MOROCCO!!!! 🇲🇦

We left Saturday for our new home in Marrakech— two ~9-hour flights and a 3-hour bus ride away. The whole group of us traveled together (kids’ stuff—reminded me of Plexcon, traveling with a big ol’ group—we. got. this.). This city around, we are living in the same apartment complex (we were split across two here in CT), with new roommates, 25 min from the famous Medina marketplace and 20 min from our workspace, which is in the hip, up-and-coming part of town. Our city team here is a married couple from Marrakech and from our exposure thus far, they are sweet and knowledgeable and lovely and very enamored with their home (they both served the military, she as an engineer and he as a pilot, and they are amazing tour guides). So far it looks like the opportunities for doing unique, awesome things are vast and varied; I have already signed up for a leather workshop, a cooking class, and a heritage tour of the city (this one starts in about 8 hours)… camel rides on the Sahara are also on the table, and I already just know the shopping is insane.

On our first night (Sunday) a small group of us went “for a quiet dinner after our 25 hours of travel” and ended up sitting in a beautiful Moroccan restaurant for 3.5 hours eating delicious food, listening to live music, which was then interrupted by a show complete with belly dancers and women gyrating and shaking with trays of candelabras on their heads…. all followed by shisha (hookah) brought to the table after dinner…to accompany the most insane salted caramel dessert ever. Another wonderful, memorable, completely unexpected welcome to our new home. This morning we went for a traditional breakfast in the marketplace and had warm flatbread with eggs and khlii, a fermented meat mixed in, with the most delicious mint tea ever…. For about $3.60. YES.) The food does NOT disappoint here.

Morocco has already proven different from Cape Town in many ways; from the slower pace of activities organized by RY (orientations, etc.) to the dynamic of the workspace (pic above), as we share it with a whole bunch of entrepreneurs and remote workers who are not associated with RY. It is not as fancy schmancy as the one in CT, but we do have a delightful rooftop deck with reliable internet where we can work outside for the few hours that it is warm enough in the sun. (YES, it’s cold here. Really cold.) They do have some educational meetings set up for us to learn about language and culture, which is awesome to help us navigate the city, and—surprising to many—it is actually safer for us to walk around at night here than it was in Cape Town (albeit much more psycho drivers here!). I was at the workspace til late tonight and walking after 11 I wouldn’t have dared back in CT; here I feel fine walking with just one other girl the 20 min back home. (Which reminds me, I had my iPhone stolen on my very last night in Cape Town….unfortunate, and I am not proficient with the backup android I am using, so my photo quality has really taken a nosedive...)

☝My new home sweet home for the next 5 weeks!

Morocco promises to be pretty amazing; it is exciting to be in a place I have never been before and that is so completely different from really anywhere else I have been. The culture here is such an interesting mix of histories and the way Moroccans view themselves as a nation is fascinating, given how different it is in the rest of Africa, the Arab nations, and Europe. I am so excited to walk around, exploring, getting to know a new place, and to meet the people and eat alllllll the food.

So, month one down in the Mother City! We will be here in Marrakesh for 5 weeks, followed by 4 weeks each in Lisbon and Valencia. Again, please reach out if you have any questions about any of this— even if it's about being new to juggling time zones or what I have been eating. It’s always fun to hear back…. And I am amazed if you made it to the end!

[sunggyushines]

11 Questions

Rules:

Always repost the rules Answer 11 random questions posted for you Create 11 new ones Tag 11 people tagged by @leesungjongg​ @flowrsoo​ @infnthoya​  @sungyours​ and @star-hoya​. thank you so much guys!!! <3333333333 tagging: @leesungjongg​ @flowrsoo​ @infnthoya​  @sungyours​ @star-hoya​ @jjonghs​ @princesungjong  @wonyeols  @inpinitaize @namstar @woohyung a lot of you have already done it so you don’t have to do it again!! even if you haven’t done it its alright if you don’t do this :) 

here are my 11 questions just so you dont have to go through a bunch of my answers 1. if you had one question you could ask infinite (as a group or towards a single member) what would it be and why? 2. Have you been to a concert? Who’s concert? What was it like? 3. Your favorite live performance and why? 4. What infinite member do you think has the personality closest to yours? the member that has the personality most different to urs? 5. Do you like getting up early or late?  6. What’s something you feel super passionate about? 7. Lead pencils or normal pencils or pens?  8. Sparkling water or still water? 9. Grab the closest book, go to the 11th page and read the 22nd word  10. string instruments or band instruments? 11. 3 reasons why you stan infinite

leesungjong’s Questions:

1. Are you a chicken nugget?  wait have u called me one ? i think u hve so i guess i am. or did u call something else a chicken nugget. my memory sucks

2. Can you whistle with your fingers (bc I can’t and I think it’s pretty darn cool)?  no! but when i was younger i used to able to whistle through my hand in like a fist? i had watched this elephant movie and they called the elephant like that i think...its been a while. anyways its like this guy right here! except not that good i could only make one or two notes. 

3. Do you know how to read or write in another language? Yessssss

4. What color is your room? Very white

5. Favorite quote(s)? Favorite Spongebob quote(s)?

All of hoyas rap in footsteps

“i’ll sail through the pouring rain. of course i’ll get wet but who cares, i’ll dance in the rain”

i havent watched spongebob enough to have a fav quote from the show (on the list of many banned shows as a kid hahah now that im grown up im lowkey glad my parents didnt let me watch it)

6. Do you wear makeup? Nah

7. Can you burp the ABCs? i havent tried but its not something i think id want to do ;D

8. Are you an alien? Can you beam me up your spaceship? i dunno am i? 

9. Highlighters (the makeup kind) are actually stardust. True or False? idk what they even do where they go what they look like so i have zero answers. 

10. Did you drink water today? Hydrate yourself and then finish this questionnaire.  i have drank water!! 

11. Someone comes from another universe and tells you about their world. From what they’re talking about, it sounds pretty awesome (despite a few aspects) and you’re thinking about visiting this cool place. The person asks you to come with them, but there’s two conditions. 1) Only you can go. 2) If you go, there’s a 50% chance you might not be able to come back to this universe. What is your decision? Why?

idk that planet doesnt have kim sunggyu’s music infinite so no (it is not an exaggeration to say that infinite is my lifetbh)

flowrsoo’s Questions:

1) If you could live in only one season, which season would you choose? Probably spring

2) Favorite flower? hoyahoyahoyahoya

3) Have you ever prank called someone? If so, what happened? OMG this statement just brought back a truckload of middle school memories of sitting on the bus to go somewhere for some club or something and the kids prank calling people. i didnt personally prank call anyone but ppl near me have hahaah. dont quite remember what happened

4) Have you ever danced in the rain? not that i know of but i feel like little me might have

5) If you could stop what you were doing right now and be somewhere else, where would you be and what would you be doing? playing music

6) If you could live in a book/movie what would it be? hmmm good question. its been a while and i think i’ll cheat and put down a tv series. avatar the last airbender lolol just bc i always have wanted to bend stuff...but i wouldnt want to live in warring time

7) What was the last picture you took on your phone? well it wasnt my phone but a random old phone which has like zero pics so i commemorated it with a pic of my dog lolol but on my phone its a pic of hoya during kcon

8) If you could have a superpower, what would it be? well not invisibility bc i already have that power ;D maybe time travel?

9) What do you think is your best trait? i dont have one

10) What’s your favorite song atm? atm?? dunno. all time fav though is def shine by kim sunggyu

11) What is something that makes you happy? shine by kim sunggyu  infinite

infnthoya’s questions!

1. Let’s say superheroes exists. Would you like to be one who saves their people from inhuman enemies like those in the movies? Why/why not? probably not. i think ur life would be in constant danger like 24/7. although itd be nice to have super powers, its not nice to constantly worry about ur life or something idk?

2. A song that makes you think “I wish i was the one who wrote the lyrics to this”? hmm i tend to focus on musicality more than lyrics (and how the lyrics influence the musical decisions and stuff). honestly having a hard time thinking of a song where all of the lyrics really resonated with me. oh time spent walking through memories. i love the lyrical progression of the song. the imagery is so ridiculously pretty  3. An mv that makes you think “I wish i was the one who shot/directed/wrote the scenario to this”? hmmmmmmmmm again i spend wayy too much time focusing on music rather than filmography and stuff. i’ll just say white confession by infinite. bc its one of the few infinite mvs where they are just being happy i guess? like other mvs have gore and sadness and all that stuff id be very sad watching it. but the white confession mv had some genuine moments of ot7 and i think id love to have been the one to see that irl.  4. Is there a song without an mv that makes you create your own in your head? If yes, which song and what would be the mv like? shine by kim sunggyu. jkjkjk as much as i love the song im not sure if ive created a mv for it bc  i feel like the live version would be MV quality worthy honestly. now that i think of it, for a lot of songs i just kind of imagine ppl singing it? or rather the colors and feelings that are evoked by it. like habitual irony sounds like a sunset thats the imagery i get from it. so i’ll just say habitual irony with a sunset theme i have no idea.  5. Something that made you happy recently? HOYAS PERFORMANCE AT KCON I JUST KSDJLFKSJDLFK 6. Something you bought for yourself just for pleasure (not a necessary item) recently? (Pics if possible) recently? nothing but i did by the reality album + poster like when that came out (lol guess whos pc i got ;D)  7. Does your bias look better in formal or informal clothes? Convince us with pics! both??? 

8. Movie recs? i really don’t watch movies hahaha

9. If you could form a duo with someone (not necessarily a singer/celebrity) who would it be? Why? kim sunggyu  i have no idea maybe someone who could duet with me on an instrument thatd be cooll...except my instrument skills are so subpar. i honestly cant think of anyone bc i feel like id bring every partner down

10. Dream job? a musician but im already way off that track and i’ll never get there ever hahaha 

11. Something you’d like to say to anyone (just one person) right now? (Except for me. Since im the one who asked, i dont wanna sound like im forcing you guys to say something to me xD) recently flowrsoo gave me some awesome advice so i want to thank her for that <333

sungyours’ questions :) Are you more of a cat or dog person? i have a dog...but idk if i am more of a cat or a dog person Sweet or salty popcorn? idk i really like butter  Is tomato a fruit or vegetable? A FRUIT FRUIT IS EVERYTHING THAT HAS SEEDS. CUCUMBERS ARE FRUIT. AN AVOCADO IS A FRUIT  Your favourite subject at school? bio or chem probably (music is where my heart is though) An idol’s body you wish you could trapped into for one day? hmm eunji? shes a great singer i wantt os ing like her A social media you use frequently (other than tumblr)? nothingggghahaha ok twitter bc i have to keep up with the romeo fandom ;D A talent you wish you could have? EVERYTHING OH MY GOD i wish i was like brilliantly skilled an something but an instrument would be ideal so then i could major in music without hesitating. Something that could instantly turn you off from other person? being mean Your ideal weekend? sitting alone i guess What did you dream about last night? idk what i dreamt last night, but the most recent dream i remember was that there was some sort of musical that i had to rap the rap part in “day by day” and i kept searching for the song on my phone but i couldnt find it and i kept getting distracted by other things and then it was my turn to go on and the dream stopped. i woke up and realized a) there was no song called day by day that i knew b) the song i was thinking of was day after day c) that song does not have a rap part Any book(s) you would like to recommend to me and your followers? ive stopped reading books unfortunately :( so no :( 

starhoya’s questions

Are you usually early, right on time, or late? usually early!  Tell me who your 2nd bias is and why you stan him/her? 2nd bias in infinite? (sunggyu) i blame his music 100%  What was the last thing you ate? hmmm ithink salad?  Do you like spicy food and what’s your tolerance to spiciness? this might sound a bit weird to ppl who dont eat my cultures food on a daily basis like i do but i literally dump plain yogurt on everything and eat it. not bc its spicy but bc i need the calcium and i like the taste of how it tastes with everything...so over the years my spiciness tolerance has gone down a lot.  Recommend 3 songs to me please (it can be any language/genre). :) habitual irony~nell btob ~ spring day’s memory (remember that is the english title i think) house of cards ~ bts  tried to keep it to non infinite songs What concept are you hoping INFINITE’s next comeback will be? honestly infinite has yet to disappoint me with a concept. as long as it has the classic infinite flair i dont mind whatever concept it is...(though there is one concept that would give me hard time to get used to) Can you play an instrument and if so, what instrument and why did you learn it? yes! a bunch of them and all for different reasons! violin bc i wanted to play an instrument in 3rd grade and someone i knew chose violin so i chose violin lolol. then piano bc i got a keyboard for xmas one year so i picked it up. and then viola bc i thought it was such a pretty instrument. and then xylophone/vibraphone/bells/other misc percussion bc i was in the pit in our marching band bc i thought itd be cool to learn instruments  Is there any movie you’ve watched more than 10 times? oh wow maybe a miyazaki movie? i literally grew up on those  How many people do you follow on Tumblr? 270! Tell me about something you’ve achieved? hmm what have i achieved? lolol not much recently but when i was younger i got a black belt so thats cool :D Do you wanna build a snowman? :D COME On LETS GO AND PLAYYYY im p sure ive never made a sucessful snowman in my entire life so if u can teach me how to as well, that’d be great ;D 

[noticeeverything]

Closure

This past Tuesday I found myself crying on the subway. A couple bad days into my week already, I was really struggling with my mental health. I couldn’t shake the feeling that nothing mattered and everything mattered; that I was not enough. Tuesday came and I woke up feeling like a mess. I had to pull myself out of bed (as I’ve been doing this whole week unfortunately) and I made myself get ready for work. The thing about me is that when I get to work and I finally have interaction, I’m totally fine. It’s when I’m alone that I suffer the most. So here I am on the subway, feeling like shit, and I needed something to pick me up. I went to check on the Google Doc that I have with my two friends where we are planning our trip to Texas to see my boyfriend. I was so excited to see what else has popped up there as we plan this adventure. Instead, I open up my drive and the first thing I see is a document titled, “Dear Nicole”. I couldn’t remember what this was… Did I write myself a letter? Within seconds of opening it and reading the first line I knew exactly what it was. My Ex-boyfriend wrote me a really long letter after we broke up for the final time. I had no idea it was still there. I could’ve just closed it and deleted it; instead, I had this urge to read it, to remember, to feel something. So I did. This letter was a plethora of our memories–almost 5 years of our lives together. It was hard to read. I laughed, I smiled, and I cried. There was one part that really made me feel, and this is why this post is called “Closure”. This section, one of the biggest, was Wesley’s way of telling me that I deserve better; that I deserve someone who will treat me like a queen; that I deserve someone who will explore this world with me and be my partner.

“you better pick someone better than me dude i friggen mean it. because if i cant be with you it better be some dude whos going to love you like i do. someone who will show you then attention you deserve and more. someone unlike me who is not gonna be to embaressed to do something like dance with you, or eat sushi, or anything you want to. nobody less than what i would do for you deserves you and you shouldnt settle for it. if at any point you feel that wesley would or wouldnt have done that you start keepign a mental tally. you deserve the fucking world. the moon, the sun, everything and anyting you want. he better be gentle and make you gifts like i did and write letters and give you massages and let you sing as loud as you want with the radio and let you win when you give the puppy face and not let you win when you are challenging him to games. especailly scattegories. you better never lose a game to anyone cause i never had the pleasure of beating you. he better make you dope ass sandwiches and breakfast food. and fucking take you out on some fancy goddamn dinners. He better support you on your trips to india or china or indonesia idk idc fucking anywhere. he better make you laugh harder than i could or tickle you till you did. he better hold you when youre crying or bring you some BBQ chips instead. Youre mom and dad should like him more than me and knock on wood about trinny but if she were to like him i would too. you should steal his sweater and he should have no say in it. He should watch cooking shows with you and all the chick flicks i never ended up watching with you. He shoudld be able to work with his hands even if thats not what type of work he does. he has to go out with your friends, and be the stud of the group Sandra has to like him, and lu and daniel better too. He should encourage you to keep playing lax at all costs or work out with him sports anything to keep that booty looking fine. He should take pictures with you and keep some on his bedside, or wallet bound or his phone backround. he just better show you the love and the things I did for you and all the things i shouldve done for someone like you.”

Let me tell you, I haven’t felt something this strong in a while. I shed tears sitting on the subway Tuesday morning reading this. But they weren’t sad tears; it was more of a sigh of relief. As I cried, all I could think of was that despite all he tried and despite all he could’ve done, we ran our course. We did our best. And I learned so much. And all the things I wanted, he knew I wanted too. And he hoped for me; he hoped that I would one day get all of these things…. And I did. Frank, my current boyfriend, is everything I need and want and more. I never imagined my perfect person to exist. And so I cried not only of sadness that my best friend at the time and I didn’t work out, but also that what he wished, and what I wished for, came true. Gratitude is all I could feel. And as I realized what day it was–June 27th, Wesley’s birthday–i realized that it was the first time that felt true closure. It’s like the universe made this happen for me… And I am eternally grateful.