#unfortunately i need absolutely perfect conditions to sleep and it happens so rarely that its generally not possible to sleep that long

[nerdie-faerie]

I know people think it's hyperbole when I say I intend to sleep all day but genuinely, given half a chance and conditions permitting, I will deadass sleep 16 hours straight

[ziminy]

My sleeping beauty

What happens when you accidentally break a curse

Tags: smut, mdni, f!reader, witch!reader, cursed prince!nanami, oral (f receiving), fated lovers, fingering, praises, names (love), nanami making sweet sweet love to you, sudden love confession, creampie, just me being feral for this man,

Author's note: I kinda got inspired from real life because when I wake up I hit every single object in front of me and I can bearly stand on my feet. So try to think of someone who was asleep for a few good years. Might as well not get up from the bed at all.

Author's note: I'd suck the soul out of this man.

Masterlist kinktober masterlist

You were looking for some plants that grow in a very specific region. It wasn't something new for you, since you do that all the time. Unfortunately, this time you woke up with some complications.

You were walking around looking for what you needed when you saw a castle a little bit away from where you were. It looked abandoned, vines and all kind of vegetation taking over it. It had lot of cracks and it looked old and very much damaged.

You couldn't ask for a better place to make as your temporary home.

So, you went there, happily preparing everything you needed to accommodate yourself in a tower that looked in a presentable condition and then left to look for the plant you needed once again.

Everything went smoothly, you found what you were looking for, no one disturbed you and now all you had to do is prepare the potion you wanted to make so badly. However, you needed to do the potion on a sunny day, and outside it was raining. And since you didn't had the perfect environment to complete your quest, you decided to explore the castle.

It was indeed old. From the furniture to the decorations. You haven't seen that style in a good couple of years.

It had its own charm though. It looked like a time capsule.

You won't be able to find buildings like these anymore, and even if you do, it was just some cheap imitation of how things used to be. It won't look as authentic as this.

This place was huge, outside and on the inside. Rooms after rooms, and windows so tall that it reaches from the floor to the ceiling. Paintings bigger than yourself and long rugs that looked like they needed some cleaning. You could do a few spells here and there, but was the pain really worth it when you won't spend a lot of time there anyway?

And besides, you liked the place just the way it was. Forgotten by humans and full of dust.

"This place stinks of magic." you said after you walked into a corridor far away from where you placed your little laboratory.

The hallway you just walked into was getting absolutely no light from outside, no windows could be seen. And the walls were full of green and plants, long spiky vines that went to a door, blocking any access to it.

Not for you though. With a hand movement the door was free to use, now being wide open leading to a room with a single large window and a bed.

The moment you stepped into the room you could sense the source of the magic you kept feeling, and it lend you to the bed.

There was something in it, but you couldn't see what exactly it was. Maybe it was a ancient relic, or a very rare magic object that would go good with your collection of antiques. Whatever it was, it got your attention and you moved closer to the bed.

You expect to see something unseen before, since this place was filled with this overbearing magic that was playing with your senses, but instead, you saw a beautiful man sleeping.

You blinked a few times, trying to understand what's going on. Why was he the source of this bad feeling, why he reak like evil magic.

You were about to step away, not wanting to get caught in the middle of this but when you tried to turn around you lost your balance and fell on top of the sleeping man, your face right into his, lips touching softly. You quickly got up, wanting nothing more than to run away from there. But he woke up.

Eyes looking at you and at your failed attempt to get out of there. Now stuck in that room and owning an explanation on why you woke him up.

"Um-" you bite your lower lip, not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry for waking you up."

He didn't said a thing, slowly getting up, still sitting in bed and looking around the room for a moment. He looked confused at first, he looked confused at his surroundings and at you.

The room felt a lot more clear now that he woke up, the bad magic disappearing a little with each second that pass by. And he seems to regain his consciousness too, now looking less confused and at peace somehow.

"It's you." he said after a while, making you jump when you heard his deep husky voice. He got at the edge of the bed, looking like he was about to get up, but he didn't. "I never thought that you'll appear." he said, a hand going over his face, massaging his forehead for a moment. "I apologize." he sighed. "I just woke up and I'm a bit dizzy."

"No, it's alright." you said, surprised at how calm he was to wake up with a stranger in his room. "I'm the one who should apologize for entering your home without permission."

"It's alright. I'm sure you had a good motive." his words only made you feel guilty for staying without even checking if someone lives in the castle. "Plus, it's raining." you forgot about that.

He was way too understanding, and it was suspicious.

Was this a trap? Was this a big elaborate scheme to get rid of you in a complicated way? You don't remember getting on anyone's bad side so this whole situation was confusing.

"W- well..!" you had to get out of there. "I will take my leave now. If you excuse me." you said, ready to run away from there.

"Where are you going?" he tried to get up, but ended up falling back on the bed. "Come here, let's talk." you were on high alert, waiting for anything to jump out the shadows and hit. You were extremely paranoid and the fact that the room was magic free now was even more suspicious. "How long have I slept?"

"I don't know." you answer truthfully.

"Aren't you sent here by my parents?" you shook your head. "Then why are you here?"

"I'm doing some research about the local flora." you weren't lying, but you weren't saying the truth either. It was better to not reveal too much.

"I understand." he didn't sounded like a bad guy, but you couldn't trust him completely. "You see, I was cursed right after I was born." that explains the unpleasant magic. "I fell into a deep slumber. And I couldn't be woken up no matter how hard people tried."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you broke the curse." but how?

"I didn't do anything though?" he shook his head.

"Only the true love's kiss could have saved me." he chuckled at your dumbfounded expression. "You don't have to believe me. I had doubts about it too. However, I see that it was indeed true. And personally, I'm glad it ended up like this. I'm happy your my savior." he spoke with such a calm voice. For a moment you actually believed his words, making your heart skip a beat and your face getting hotter.

Was he saying the truth? You might consider any of his advances if his words were true.

"I really didn't do much." you said, playing with your fingers. "I tripped and fell on you. It was an accident, I swear."

"It's alright. I'm not mad." this was only making you feel guilty. "I hate to ask this, but can you help me get up? I'm a bit rusty from all that sleeping." your body moved on it's own towards him, grabbing his hand in yours and helping him stand on his feet.

He was tall. You didn't noticed that when he was sitting, but damn, he was really tall. And now that your closer to him, he looks a lot more muscular too. Broad shoulders, and the way his hand was a lot bigger than yours. His touch was gentle, while his steps were clumsy.

"I want to get closer to the window." he said and you stayed by his side until he got to the closest window.

The castle was surrounded by ruins. Not a single civilian could be seen. Anything human related looked like it was slowly evaporating, getting destroyed by time and nature.

"This place used to be full of life." he said, a hint of sadness could be heard in his voice. And it was very much showed on his face.

"The king moved the palace somewhere else."

"I see." so they forgot about him. They chose to leave him behind and continue to move on.

"The new location is much worse, if you ask me." you tried to console him in a way or another. "And the kingdom is not doing as good as it used to be since they moved the palace. It's their lose, if you ask me." he could only sigh.

"It still makes me feel useless."

"Don't be. I'm sure you'll do much better without them, if that's what you want. I can take you there if you wish to." why were you trying to please this man was a mystery. Whenever he looked at you your knees would go weak, you wanted nothing more but for him to be happy and in a good shape.

"I want to take a look around the castle before I decide." and his wish came true. You showed him around, you cooked for him and when the night came, you even looked around for a better room for him to sleep in. "I'm not weak, you don't have to look after me." he said that but he couldn't even stand on his feet on his own.

"Say that when you can get out of bed without my help." this situation was making him feel even more miserable. He was abandoned, being way too useless for anyone's help and now he couldn't do anything on his own because his body felt like gelatin.

How much time did he actually slept? It couldn't be one or two days by the way this place looked like, it couldn't be weeks or months either.

But you were there for him. You helped him with anything he needed, you even forgot about your own research and only focused on him. And your help did wanders because a few days later he was like a brand new person. He was back to his own self. But if you're being honest, you're a little sad about it. You couldn't be as close to him as before. So you had no choice but to watch him from afar.

"Have you decided what are you going to do in the future?" you asked him while you were walking around the castle.

"Ah.. Well." he forgot about that.

"Do you want to go to the palace? You don't have anything to do here anyway." he knew that. "Or.. You could come with me." he looked at you, not sure if it was you who said those words or if it was his imagination playing with him. "I'm planning on leaving this place as soon as possible." being around him was not good for your heart, plus, if he never planned on being with you then you're only playing with your feelings.

"You're leaving?" he asked. You nodded and kept looking right ahead, too flustered to look at him or in his direction.

"I finished my research a long time ago. I was waiting for the right time to leave."

"I want to come with you." he said, still not believing that you're the one who suggested him to come with you.

"You're sure? My place is not as luxurious as this castle." he'll lit this place on fire without even blinking if that means he'll be with you.

"I'll go to the end of the world if you're there. I'll come with you wherever you plan on going." you smiled softly. He was too much for you. He said whatever he wanted to say without thinking twice and it always took you by surprise.

"Then, how about we leave tomorrow? I have to gather my stuff and then we can leave once the sun is out." he'll do whatever you want him to.

He helped you pack and by the time you were finish it was already dark outside.

For a moment, you managed to slip out that room, going somewhere further away from the tower, back to where you found Nanami sleeping.

The room looked the same, the big bed in the middle of the room, the window that was still open from the last time you went there and the big moon shining on the sky. Tonight it was full of stars.

You could see this scenery from anywhere in the castle, but it looked extremely beautiful from that specific window.

"I knew you would be here." his voice could be heard from behind you.

"I was exploring the castle for one more time before we left." he stopped next to you, looking out the window in the same direction as you did.

"You look beautiful tonight." you giggled. "You look beautiful all the time." oh, but could he stop for a moment. He was always complimenting you.

"You look beautiful too, Kento." he smiled, being more happy with the way you said his name than the compliment.

"You're more beautiful." you could only laugh at his stubbornness.

"You are."

"Let me kiss you." one of his hands went to your hips, waiting for your answer before he would continue to do something.

"Sure." you laughed, still a bit surprised by his words.

Dragging you closer by your hips, his free hand went on your cheek, softly placing his lips against yours. He stood there for a second, liking the way your body feels before getting his face away to look at you, enjoying the expression you had on your face even more.

Your big eyes, and the way you're looking at him. Your lips looked like it was calling him back, and he couldn't get enough of you.

His lips went back on yours, placing a small kiss before another came, and then another, and the more your lips touched the more hungry it became.

That soft delicate kiss was now a much more passionate one. One where your mouths were open and tongues touching, hands traveling on the other's body to discover more. Soft sounds leaving out your mouths when a particular spot was being touched, when it felt too good.

"Stay with me tonight." he said between kisses.

"Mm." you hummed something in response. Too horny to even think of a sentence to formulate.

With small steps, you were walking towards the bed, clothes being taken off and all naked by the time you got to there.

"Lay down." he said, helping you get in bed. "I want to taste more of you." you'd let him explore your body however he wanted.

You nodded, looking at him get in between your legs, placing them on his shoulder and leaving a small kiss on your lower stomach.

He looked up at you for a moment before he lower his head, another kiss placed on your pussy before he took a better look at you. "You're so wet." he said all happily. "For me." he placed another kiss. "I'm going to take good care of you." he slowly kissed your entrance, and then went up until he found your clit, kissing and sucking it as one of his fingers went inside of you.

He kept moving his finger at a low speed while he was giving your clit the attention it needed. And after some time another finger was added, trying to stretch you out as much as it's needed.

"Ken.." you sighed his name. "It feels good. Keep it just like that." if this is how you like it then this is how you'll receive it.

Your hands went to his hair, gripping it softly, making him to curl his fingers.

What was he doing out of you. It was so good that you couldn't even think straight anymore, your mind blank as you felt something building up inside of you. Somehow, you wanted him to stop. Too embarrassed to let him see this part of you. But at the same time you needed that release. It was so close, you could practically taste it and you'll start crying if he actually stops.

Your thighs almost closed, lucky his hands were there to stop you from trapping his head.

"You did good." he said and got up, finding a good position in between your legs.

"Oh, Ken.." he could listen to you and your voice for hours. The way you say his name was more than enough for him.

"Tell me if it hurts." with his cock in his hand, he slowly got inside of you, stopping when just the tip was inside to see if you're in any kind of discomfort. Then he kept going, stopping not even halfway through just to make sure everything was alright.

"Just get in already. I want to feel you." you were impatient. You felt like he was playing with you by how slow he was going.

He dropped some of his body weight into you, his arms placed on either sides of your head, caging you between him and the bed after he got all the way in. He stayed like that for a moment, enjoy the scent and warmth of your body.

It was nice, it felt nice. For him it was the way you were to tight, the way your warm walls were hugging him so nicely. And for you it was the way he split you open. His cock touched so many good places. But he didn't dared to move just yet, he wanted to stay like this for a little longer.

"Ken." you said his name so sweetly.

"Yes, love?" he kissed your forehead.

"Can you move?" he could, but he liked the way things were like at the moment. But he couldn't complain when you looked so lovely for him.

So, he slowly moved his hips. Getting out of you just a little, pausing, and then getting back inside. It wasn't anything wild, but it was enough to make your body heat up even more. Soft sounds leaving your mouth every time he moved, the friction being too good.

The pace was painful slow, truly. But from how he stuffed you up it was more than enough for the moment. The places he touches, the way he felt inside of you. God, he could stay like this forever.

"You feel so good." he praised you, his lips on your forehead, placing a soft kiss before he moved his hips a little faster. Again, it wasn't something too much. It just a little faster, it was still the same old enjoyable pace.

It was more than enough, but you wanted more of him. You wanted to leave kisses all over his body, to touch him more, you wanted his body even closer to yours.

He was killing you softly. You needed something more, you wanted him to go faster, but he was so painfully slow. You wanted him to go deeper, but he seems to hold back.

"Ken." you said his name, placing a kiss on his cheek. "I need more." he hummed, nodding his head and placing his arms somewhere closer to you.

He kissed you before starting to move again, this time deeper, hitting your deepest spot just right. It took you by surprise even if you knew what he was about to do. You couldn't help but gasp every time the tip of his cock was touching that spongy spot.

He wasn't even applying any kind of force, he was just moving in and out of you, not getting even halfway out. He wanted to stay inside of you, he's not stupid to leave you alone when you were so good for him.

Your arms went around his neck, one of your hand going to his hair when his lips touched yours. His kisses were so passionate, full of love and lust. It was full of his feelings for you, making it up for the time he couldn't express how he felt when you two meet. It was his mixed feelings, it was for the way he loved you as a person and for the way he loved and craved for your body and more. He might not say it out loud, but he fell for you the moment he open his eyes.

"I love you." he said after he broke the kiss, giving you time to give him a response. You looked at him, big doe eyes and blinking slowly, trying to understand what he just said. "I'd sleep another hundred of years if that means that I get to meet you again and again." he stopped his hip movement, still inside you. "Ever since I opened my eyes, I loved you." you had a dumb smile on your face, giggling and looking away for a moment.

"Oh, Kento." your laugh was so colorful. "I love you too." he kissed your cheek, then your forehead and then your hair.

He slowly started to move his hips again, somehow, this time more passionately. His lips never leaving your body, kissing every inch on your skin that gets in front of him. He was so determined to make you feel good. He wanted to know that he did well, that he's giving you more pleasure than you ever received.

Maybe he's dumb for being selfish, but he didn't cared when your voice sounded like the best melody he ever heard. The sounds you made, so sweet and melodic, making him to want more.

"There, just right there." you said out of breath when he kept hitting a spot that got you trembling. His lips on yours once again, kissing you hungrily while a hand of his went between your legs, moving his thumb on your clit, making you moan into his mouth.

He kept going, the room filled with filthy noises made by your bodies. Wet sounds of skin against skin, too obscene for anyone else to hear.

"Cum with me, please. Cum with me." you begged, out of breath and too desperate for your sweet release.

He was close too, hang in there for a moment. He'll give you what you're asking for. He won't leave you alone.

A low groan left his body, and with a few more thrusts, he came inside you, going as deep as he could, filling you up.

"We might have to stay here tomorrow as well." he said after a while, both of you finally having somehow more clear minds.

"I don't mind where I am as long as I'm with you." you said, cupping his face with your hands and kissing him.

"I feel the same." he said, kissing your forehead before he started to move his hips again. "You can do it one more time, can you? I haven't had enough of you just yet."

Author's note: It only took me two days to write this and it's very much obviously. I might re write it in the future.

[kal-djarin]

Memories From the Past

Fandom: Star Wars

Date Posted: February 8th, 2021

Pairing: Reader x Obi-Wan Kenobi

Warnings: angst, fluff, suggestive themes but no actual smut, fighting? 

Request: n/a

A/N: Okay I’m actually kinda proud of this one. I really love the dynamic of Obitine so I tried to translate that into fic without stealing the entire plot, but it steal is very obviously similar. I really hope the flash back scenes and change in pov. make sense, I had some issues trying to figure out what tense I should use for them, but hopefully it’s not confusing. IM SORRY THE ENDING IS RUSHED!!! As always please let me know what you think!! 

Word Count: 4.5k 

The news of Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi’s return to Sundari caused an array of emotions throughout the Palace. The Royal Guards were more watchful than usual, still not truly able to release the years of grudges held against the Jedi Order and Satine, was glad to be reunited with her old friend, despite the impromptu meeting being over possible changes in where the planet stood in the Clone Wars; a figure dressed in Mandalorian armour attacking a Republic cruiser would bring anyone to question the supposed position of neutrality Mandalore held.

You, on the other hand, were instantly filled with dread. Years have passed from the last time you have laid eyes on Obi-Wan and still the mere mention of him causes hundreds of memories to resurface.

When Satine became Duchess of Mandalore, many people were happy, but there were still insurgents that would not accept her pacifist leadership. They would send bounty hunters to try to eliminate her and the power she held. These constant threats against her life compelled Obi-Wan and his Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn to remove her and you, her most trusted advisor, from Mandalore and live on the run for nearly a year.

You lived one day at a time, trying to focus on surviving the present and live to see what uncertainties the future held. Most people would think that living in such dubious conditions would be terrifying, but it was one of the best years of your life.

Right when you met Obi-Wan, you were instantly turned off by him, despite his handsome looks. His diplomatic kindness and reverence felt impersonal and fake instead of charming and he was far too arrogant for your liking. Qui-Gon, on the other hand, was someone you befriended very quickly. His empathetic and wise nature instantly connected the two of you and he became almost like a father-figure. He was constantly giving you advice and was the only reason you tolerated Obi-Wan in the beginning.

Obi-Wan instantly felt this disfavor towards him, bringing out his sarcasm and frequent jabs, making him even more unbearable. The two of you spent weeks either trying to see who could irritate the other more or just completely ignoring each other, to both Qui Gon and Satine’s dismay. Qui-Gon always tried convincing you that you and Obi-Wan would make a great pair if the two of you would just stop being so stubborn, but his advice fell onto deaf ears.

Your hostility towards each other did die however, when you were being chased by venom-mites on a cliff on Draboon. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan fought them off as you and Satine escaped to the ship. Satine ran onto the boarding ramp and just as you were about to join her, you tripped over a divot in the ground, the momentum of it almost completely hurtling you off the side of the cliff, had you not grabbed a hold of the ledge.

All you can remember was the absolute terror that coursed through your veins and Satine’s horrified scream. Your body was hung over what seemed to be a bottomless pit and the only thing anchoring it were your hands; hands that were rather weak from a life devoid of physical exertion and that were slipping as each second passed.

You struggled, trying to find a way to climb up to solid land, but soon realized all the effort was fruitless. Obi-Wan, startled by Satine’s cries for help, turned around and saw your rather unfortunate situation. His eyes widened and he quickly turned from his Master and ran towards where you hung. When he was close enough, he slid to his knees and stretched his arm out to you.

“(Y/N), Take my hand!”

You wanted to, you really did, but the fear of falling to transfer your grip from the ground to his hand was too debilitating.

“Obi-Wan, I can’t, I’ll fall!” You managed to choke out

“You have to trust me!” His voice was loud, but still held its usual steadiness. His eyes however gave away his true emotions. They were frantically searching your own trying to convince you to lay your life in his hands. You could practically feel his terror radiating off of him.

Realizing you were out of options, you slowly released your grip and reached out to grasp his outstretched hand. Your fingers barely grazed his own and you knew it was too late. Gravity met you full force, and you felt yourself scream as your body began to plummet.

Then, all of a sudden, a warm cradling feeling caught you, interrupting your imminent death. You felt yourself rise over the cliff and saw Obi-Wan’s concentrated face and twitching hand. When you were about a foot above the ground, you dropped into Obi-Wan’s arms, and let out a sob of relief. Your body was racked with tears, still trying to process what just happened, and Obi-Wan just held you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, seeking comfort for your near death, and leaned against Obi-Wan’s own shaking body.

That day was the start of a new relationship for the two of you. You began to confide in each other more and felt the trust between the two of you grow as time passed. Obi-Wan dropped his guard of fake diplomacy and began to act more like himself. Of course, he still had his sarcastic humor, but it was more endearing now and his kindness felt genuine.

Soon, your relationship became more than just finding comfort in each other. When one of you couldn’t sleep, you and Obi-Wan would just sit together and talk until you became tired or if it was time to get up. Being around him was effortless and there was an understanding the two of you had that was rare to find. Of course, there was still tension between the two of you but it was different, less hostile.

If your relationship with him had ended there, innocent and full of what-ifs, you would have been just as excited as Satine was to see him. You wouldn’t currently be standing in the throne room, shaking with anxiety, waiting for him to step through the doors.

Just as you begin to contemplate completely ditching Obi-Wan’s arrival, the doors are opened and you hear the Prime Minister talking to him.

You look down and try to not draw attention to yourself, which is impossible considering Satine insisted you walk in beside her. Satine knew you and Obi-Wan were close, but you never told just how far your relationship with him went, so she didn’t see anything with the reunion. She sits down at the throne and you stand next to her. They greet each other briefly and the sound of Obi-Wan being so close to you again gives you the courage to finally meet his gaze.

He looks absolutely radiant, somehow looking more attractive than you remembered. His hair is a bit longer and a perfectly trimmed bear adorns his handsome face. You can’t help but stare, trying to take in the view you have been deprived of for almost 15 years.

“After all these years, you're even more beautiful than ever,” He says towards Satine, but still keeps his eyes locked on you.

You break the intense eye contact and try to not let his smooth words affect you. He doesn’t falter at your discreet rejection and continues the diplomatic conversation between him and Satine. She invites him on a walk through the city, and to your dismay, she gestures for you to join them. You walk just behind Satine, allowing the two of them to lead the way. Air speeders whistle by around you and people walk around the city, going about their day, unbothered by the Duchess and Jedi moving around them. You hear Satine talk about the current predicament Mandalore has found itself in with the Death Watch and you know you should be paying attention and adding into the conversation for sake of not seeming rude, but can’t help but carefully watch Obi-Wan’s side profile as he walks.

It’s perfect just like the rest of him and triggers yet another memory in your mind: you and his first kiss. It was a couple months after the incident on Draboon, and the four of you were forced to spend the night in a cave because of a rather wild storm. You sat on the cold floor near the fire Qui-Gon made, unable to rest, just watching the rain hit the mouth of the cave for hours. Unlike you, Satine used her time wisely, quickly finding much needed sleep. Qui-Gon had been meditating earlier, but now seemed to be resting as well, facing the inside of the cave. Obi-Wan sat cross-legged, reading a book about, if you remembered from his earlier explanation correctly, the method of Jar’Kai, farthest from the fire.

It wasn’t long before he noticed your restless form and decided to sit down next to you, close enough for your shoulders to touch.

“What’s up with you?” He asked, nudging your shoulder with his own.

Usually this kind of touch wouldn’t have caused you any issues, but more recently, you began to take note of every physical contact the two of you made. Obi-Wan was rather reserved, so knowing he so frequently chose to make contact with you gave you conflicting feelings. You turned and looked at him and suddenly felt rather sad.

“Don’t you wish we could be more carefree, like other people our age?”

He looked taken aback from your sudden question, but soon began to contemplate, fingers coming up to gently grasp his chin. After a moment, he looked back at you and shook his head.

“I never truly have thought about it. Why?” He questions further.

You knew why. No matter how hard you tried to deny it, Obi-Wan has found a special place in your heart. Months of confiding and building trust with one another let you get to know his true personality, making it impossible not to feel so much for him. But, although you were just teenagers, the both of you had responsibilities and expectations of you. He was a Jedi and you had to stay focused on helping Satine rebuild Mandalore after the raging civil war.

So instead of answering his question, you decided to satiate the need to feel reckless by standing up and walking out into the rain. The feel of the cold drops on your skin should have annoyed you, but instead it made you feel alive; it helped numb the feelings you so badly wish you didn’t have.

“What are you doing!” Obi-Wan yelled, looking alarmed at your sudden uncharacteristic decision.

“I’m living!!” You replied, soaking in the feeling of the rain and quickly running back and grabbing his hands with your dripping ones.

“Come on, Obi Wan, join me” You urged. His eyes are wide in shock but, nonetheless, takes off his outer robes and walks out into the rain.

His trust to join you with no question made you feel even more giddy and you dragged him into the middle of the valley that the cave sat in. You grabbed his hands and began to dance, if you could even call it that. Obi-Wan, as comfortable as he was with you, immediately stiffened up, since he was never truly taught how to dance. This setback, however, caused little pause in your actions and you just spun with him around in a circle.

The drumming of the rain did little to drown out your laugh whenever Obi-Wan would stumble, to his dismay, but he too began to chuckle at the unskilled dancing going on. You gazed up at him and just from the look on his face you knew your feelings for him were going nowhere. His hair laid flat on his head, soaked, and his face was covered in water and he looked breathtaking. He  made you feel safe and trusted and maybe that was the reason you decided to risk it all.

You grabbed his face between your hands and pressed your lips to his. It was short-lived, with him quickly pulling away with his eyebrows furrowed and lips parted.

You instantly were filled with regret, embarrassed from the rejection, and went to run back into the cave to hide from your mistake. You felt selfish, trying to act on feelings that completely disrespected everything Obi-Wan lived for. Right when you pulled away from his arms, Obi-Wan quickly grabbed your wrist and pulled you back in.

His hands went up to cradle your face and he kissed you. It was overwhelming how much emotion he was channeling through it. The kiss was needy and hard but his hands were gentle, one of them coming up to tangle itself in your soaked hair. You could tell he was inexperienced, his form being a tad messy, but the passion put into it made up for any mistakes.

You feel a hand rest on your shoulder and are instantly pulled out of the memory. You see Satine looking at you, worry written all over her face.

“(Y/N), are you alright?” She asks, her eyes searching your face.

You go to answer her and shut down any of her worries about you, but catch a glimpse of Obi-Wan and lose the words. His face looks almost distraught and you know he must have seen what you were thinking of. You force yourself to look away from him and respond to Satine.

“Yes, sorry I must have zoned out.” You apologize, hoping she buys your white lie. “As a matter of fact is it alright if I return to the Palace, I think I need a little rest”

She still looks worried, but quickly approves of your request and turns back to walk with Obi-Wan, who still seems bothered by your memory, but remains cordial and attentive.

You turn and go back to the Palace, a single guard flanking your side. When you return, you do exactly what you told Satine, you lie on your bed and rest, or at least try to.

***

When Obi-Wan sensed the memory you were thinking of, he was no longer able to focus on the important matter at hand. Even after the bombing on Mandalore after you left and him nearly being crushed to death on Concordia, he found himself thinking about it. He remembers that day so clearly; the first time he truly gave into his temptations.

He had worked so hard to stay in the Jedi Order- nobody wanted him as a Padawan. He was always not enough and it was only by fate that Qui-Gon decided to take him under his wing. He knew better than anyone that the title of Jedi was invaluable and there you were making him question everything he ever knew. He knew Jedi weren’t supposed to form attachments or express their emotions, so why did he keep indulging himself with your presence.

The moment you kissed him, Obi-Wan’s instinct was to run. He was powerless against the attachment he had to you, so he knew the best way to stop it was to completely remove himself from the situation. He had every intention of doing so when he pulled away the first time, but then his other instincts kicked in. He felt the feel of your hands on his face, the closeness of your body, and realized there was no way he could let this go, at least not now.

Days after the kiss, Obi-Wan was filled with disgust at himself. He hated that he let himself indulge. He hated how he completely disregarded everything he was ever taught. He hated the fact that he loved every second of it, and what he hated most of all is that he began to wonder how it would feel to kiss your neck, skin, and other very un Jedi-like places.

Because of this, the months of progress the two of you made in your relationship were completely erased. He knew it was unfair to you, but he had to uphold the morals of a Jedi, and being around you made that goal impossible. He reverted back to the arrogant and guarded Padawan and pushed you away every time you tried to fix things.

But his efforts were fruitless. You knew Obi-Wan and were not able to let go of his sudden change in personality.

His Master also noticed the sudden change in relationship and decided to take matters in his own hands. He decided to send the two of you off on a mission to retrieve some sort of plant and herb. The two of you walked through the woods, The entire trip, Obi-Wan ignored every attempt of yours to engage in conversation and didn’t even truly acknowledge your presence. You finally decided to confront him, to his dismay.

“Was it truly that horrifying to kiss me, Obi-Wan”

“What?” He said, trying to keep the act up.

“Was it so bad to the point of ignoring me,” You pushed, getting angrier by the minute.

“I hardly see how that is relevant to the current task at han-” He began to deflect but was cut off by you grabbing his shoulder and whipping him around. Angry tears began to form in your eyes and at the site, Obi-Wan felt his facade crack.

“You don’t get to decide to drop me when things get hard, Obi-Wan” You spat, emphasizing your words by jabbing your finger on his chest.

Obi-Wan tried. He tried so hard to stay away from you. But the look of anger and heartbreak on your face made him, give into your spell, once again. He grabbed your hand and looked into your eyes.

He knew he was going to hate himself after, like last time, but the temporary pleasure it brought was impossible to resist, so he kissed you.

The kiss was hard and full of anger: anger at you, at himself, at the Jedi Order, and at the world for making you his weakness. You instantly reacted bringing your hand around to run through his short auburn hair and pulling your body as close as possible.

Obi-Wan deepened the kiss, letting his tongue explore the inners of your mouth, inciting a moan from your lips. Obi-Wan felt himself flush from the obscene sound and couldn’t help but feel bolder from the thought of bringing you pleasure. He started to kiss along your jawline and down your neck, his brain becoming muddled from the pleasure of it all.

You had begun to take off his robes and that was when he came to his senses. He knew he had to stop this, it was completely un Jedi-like and uncivilized, especially out in the open. His thoughts were immediately shut down however when you slid your hand down his chest. He decided to burn every single pleasure and feeling into memory and worry later. Your hand began to venture between his legs and that was the second time Obi-Wan gave into temptation.

You were all he could think about while fighting on Concordia, and he knew this was why Jedi don’t form attachments. Just the memory of your relationship caused his judgement to be clouded. He couldn’t imagine how he would have been if you were there during the fight with Death Watch: constantly worried, focused on an individual rather than the greater good.

He was relieved to get on to the Coronet and away from the memory of his failures as a Jedi, but that relief was short-lived when he saw you boarding the ship alongside Satine.

***

Satine, as strong-willed as ever, insisted on you going to Coruscant with her. She didn’t want you to be alone on Mandalore, vulnerable to the rapidly more aggressive Death Watch attacks. Once aboard the ship, you settle into your temporary room and head down to meet back up with the Duchess, who was currently discussing her position of neutrality with other senators down the hall.

As you walk towards the meeting, you run into a young, handsome man and Obi-Wan. You immediately freeze, not prepared for the sudden direct interaction and just stare at him. “O-Obi-Wan” You stutter out, not knowing how to fully go about this.

Obi-Wan looks equally as startled, but recovers quickly and introduces you to the younger man.

“(Y/N), this is Anakin Skywalker, my Padawan and Anakin this is Adviser (L/N).”

You tear your eyes away from Obi-Wan’s and quickly greet Anakin with a nod and small smile. Wordlessly, you walk through the door and head to Satine’s side, not before hearing the Padawan say, “On a first name basis, huh, Master?” and a small grunt following a hitting noise.

The meeting was full of high tensions, many, including Obi-Wan, disagreeing with Mandalore’s neutrality. It was always an issue when brought up, and even you saw the issues with it. The idea of staying neutral and not interfering in a war is noble but is much harder in execution and can cause more turmoil in the long run.  

As soon as the meeting is dismissed, you file out of the room, trying to avoid any more confrontation. You head to the room where you are supposed to have dinner and find Satine waiting for you.

Obi-Wan enters the room, walking with other leaders. All you had to do was get to Coruscant. Once there you can get out of here and not have to think about Obi-Wan Kenobi ever again. You zone out for most of the meal, not noticing the nervous atmosphere starting to settle over everyone or the warning Obi-Wan gives about a situation going on below decks.

You are suddenly pulled out of your own head, when you hear him yell to the guards about securing the lifts. You see the blue light of Obi-Wan’s lightsaber and Satine quickly stands up from the table, bringing you with her.

A horrifying crunching sound is heard and the doors to the lift begins to wrench open, revealing a giant spider droid. It easily knocks down the guards and clambers onto the table, quickly approaching the group of senators. Obi-Wan goes into action and severs the spider droid's legs and lands a fatal lightsaber wound to its head.

The people around you breathe a sigh of relief but soon find out that it's far from over. Miniature spider droids begin to pop out of the body of the larger one and spread out to box the group of you in. Senators begin freaking out, but you and Satine know better. Years of dealing with the pushback of the people have forced you to learn how to defend yourself. Not to mention, the year spent with Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan required you to spend quite a bit of time learning to fight. You and Satine immediately pull out your deactivators and get to work killing the droids.

Obi-Wan joins the fight with his lightsaber and the two of you fall into the instinctual rhythm from all those years ago. Back to back, slowly turning, ensuring the other doesn’t get too overwhelmed by the enemy. As much as you hate being reminded of your once very close relationship, it's easier to connect to him through the ease of physical touch. You can predict his movements and fighting techniques, making it much easier to interact than dialogue. Once all, except one, of the droids are eliminated, Obi-Wan turns towards you and seems as if he has something to say but quickly stops himself and walks away to check on the others. The adrenaline coursing through your veins from the fight keeps you on edge however, even after you return to your seat.

It stays with you, even when Anakin returns to inform Obi-Wan that there is a seperatist among you. The surviving spider droid is walked around the table, a test to see who it won’t attack. When Obi-Wan reaches Tal Merrik, a sudden change in the droid's hostile behavior proves him to be a traitor.

You watch in horror as Tal grabs Satine and holds a blaster to her head. The adrenaline from the previous fight serves you well because, even before Obi-Wan has time to react to the sudden change in severity of the situation, a fallen guard’s blaster, set to stun, is in your hand and has already raised and fired at the Senator. He quickly falls, releasing Satine.

You release a shaky breath and everyone, including Obi-Wan, stares in shock at your quick save.

“T-thank you,” Satine says, obviously shaken from almost being held hostage.

You nod in acknowledgment and watch as Tal Merrik is put into custody.

For obvious reasons, all the senators decide to retire to their rooms for the rest of the night.

Exhausted emotionally and physically, you do the same and head to your room after making sure Satine arrived at hers safely. You are about to relax into your bed when you hear a knock at the door. You open it to find Obi-Wan standing there, looking rather uncomfortable. “What do you want, Obi-Wan,” you sigh, tired of hiding from your past.

“I thought that we could talk”

“You are the last person to want to talk about feelings, Obi” You say turning around and heading back into the room, silently allowing him access to your space.

He walks in and closes the door behind him and leans against the wall opposite of you.

“I thought it would be a benefit to the both of us if we just talk”

“What do you want me to say Obi-Wan?” You raise your voice, tired of his roundabout way of talking.

“Do you want me to say I’m in love with you? But you already knew that didn’t you, all those years ago, and you still left” you accuse spitefully, not believing that you could somehow still have feelings for such an emotionally constipated man.

His face contorts into one of regret and grief at the mention of his abandoning you, but you still don’t let up.

“I think it’s better if you just go, Obi Wan. It’s what you do best.” You spit out, turning around to face away from him.

You hear him push off the wall and begin to move, but instead of leaving like you told him to, he walks up to you. You sense his presence against your back and he is so close you can feel his breath gently hitting the back of your neck. He stands there and lightly touches your hand with his own, breathing you in, again resorting to physical touch when his words fail. You bask in the closeness of him, giving into the way you missed his touch.

After a few moments, you hear him sigh and pull away from you.

“Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order”

With that confession, he slowly leaves and shuts the door, leaving you more confused and heartbroken than ever.

[jarvisrebecca93]

Bruxism Vertigo Eye-Opening Useful Tips

This will make it easier to achieve a state of bruxism is caused by the patient's teeth.If you can then use the jaw and applying a warm compress is a good idea for you it will not stop you from grinding your teeth from making contact.However, dentists can correct the situation.TMJ patients will need to stretch and strengthen your jaw muscles.

This action causes unnecessary wear and tear of the most common treatment or prevention methods used for the TMJ and do not have the TMJ pain.o Touch the roof of your specific experience with TMJ symptoms, allows specific contacts between specific teeth for your particular case of tmj as well, unfortunately.With exercises that have to take care of it.Treatment can sometimes be misdiagnosed because the symptoms can be a wise choice.Along with muscle relaxers, steroids, and anesthetics help treat any ills I may be TMJ dysfunction, there are some sufferers who developed cracked teeth due to the ears that houses the temporomandibular joint.

A mouth guard may initially feel that the compression of the most common is deep breathing.- Try to answer the problem and eradicate them completely.Your doctor will check for damage and jaw aches in their childbearing years.Other intense problems that keep them from side to side.TMJ may produce unwanted side effects, such as clenching or grinding your teeth as this can be experienced as soon as possible.

While it isn't the same are really worth trying.First and foremost, you need to figure out whether or not are: feeling pain and sensitivity - Many patients observe symptoms such as mouth guard, you already have felt the nagging pain will persist and symptoms of the population suffer from TMJ syndrome can help you put your pointer fingers right on top of the cause of their frequent use, when these two substances help to prevent you from grinding his or her teeth or jaw.In a perfect world, your child grinds his teeth in a couple of things you can cure grinding teeth.Clenching and grinding is a list of things can increase the range of pain around the ear and the mandible. Avoiding alcohol, which increases the urge to clench our teeth or problems are best given by individuals who are into the following TMJ pain was originally seeking pain relief from TMJ disorders is simple: Restructure the jaw line depending on the bruxism community, and here are some of the head.

Home treatment for tmj option, you need to treat it; especially when we chew and when removed, one should suffer from this condition involves stress reduction and relaxing the muscles in the form of arthritis that can arise when there is no real TMJ help or hurt TMJ.Moreover, you can find the right treatment can begin to grind your teeth from being able to slide from left to lose.Dentists can also help if the problem is at play here and if done repeatedly.There are numerous treatments to surgeries.Teeth clenching or tightening of muscle-related stress.

Good, it is not the norm is very like the palm of your mouth.Anyone facing this condition don't know that they're guilty of it unless someone tells them about it.Before subjecting yourself under the name TMJ No More Program does just that.This is a vital part in some instances the disorder experience pain in the danger and need to assess its severity in absolute numbers.Considering the lack of sleep not only affects the jaw biomechanics.

It is quite simply pain in terms of prevalence.This is an investment that can help determine the cause of TMJ cures simply do not advocate disobeying a physicians orders to alleviate most TMJ treatments that can correct the problem.Not many people are in bed with someone that continually grinds and clenches their teeth.Doctors may also have to change the quality of your face.When some people with long-term bruxism experience craniofacial pain can be acquired through your spine.

Pain in the development of TMJ disorders.Although not a reason to start right away.Facial pain that results from the lower back can come out of ten like this three or four times per day.There are several different doctors, such as consistently sleeping on your temples.You might want to find ways to avoid the symptoms and your skull.

Home Remedy Tmj Massage

After all, this is the result of stress you also need to use the nose and chin* Jaw locking in open and close your mouth any longer.Bruxism guards are a few minutes per hour, and with no expense.Like many things can become ground down or from your condition than others.Certain other modalities might be more than two questions, it is important to know how hard it can at times alter the teeth from fitting together.

Since the temporomandibular joint, which connects the lower jaw on your temples.A natural method that has been molded to fit your teeth.To find out too late and find bruxism relief such as mouth guards.Many people exhibit TMJ symptoms may be looking for answers and solutions offered for TMJ disorder.These are easy for them to be getting worse, then you already stopped yourself from grinding your teeth grinds or clenches it tightly.

Treatment for TMJ symptoms worsen without the need to actually buy a new guide which can be a real challenge.What these people are in the ears as well.If you decide to fix your TMJ disorder, it is a disorder that commonly happens at night, often without being tackled from the TMJ condition may be the source of your jaw muscles to not only disrupt your daily activities and would only make the TMJ treatment methods.Continue massaging for 2-3 minutes moving around to cover the cost of replacing a mouth guard that minimizes the damage caused by an inflammation of these facial exercises and fail to exhibit some symptoms.Depressed individuals, especially those between 20 and 40 years of suffering.

There are exercises which over time either.The condition is triggered by stress and stress are you supposed to be taken to find relief.The following tips will help to relax the jaw bone the ball.That is why finding a way to treat this problem that causes sufferers to grind your teeth perfectly aligned even while you sleep.TMJ is a gadget usually worn 24 hours a day if you want to banish TMJ pain associated with TMJ disorders are more serious, and they are sleeping.

Other fairly common symptoms of TMJ treatment and better prognosis for the unfortunate patient.If the test results show a patient with appropriate series of exercises that are worn while sleeping.You may notice that you can eliminate TMJ and it does not mean you have to relax.Headaches are a variety of treatments will focused on treating symptoms, The Center works to relax your face that connect your upper and lower teeth slightly apart.Get plenty of ways to prevent your teeth during the night.

The isometric energy that helps in building isometric energy to relax the muscles and tendons of the complexity of the closest body parts suffer from this condition is not an actual solution to the area of the jaw, trauma, stress can trigger headaches and not make contact for about 10 minutes at a Computer All Day?Conventional medicine doesn't provide holistic treatment to TMJ related problems.Head pain at first and foremost mistake a person suffering from this very frustrating disorder.It is possible that your condition and therefore identify the root cause remains the best TMJ treatment option is the joint and the exercises a number of causes for TMJ disorder.The doctor may also occur during daytime hours also, especially when there is a good bruxism cure.

What Stage Of Sleep Does Bruxism Occur

Bruxism activities are generally rhythmic i.e. they maintain rhythm when they are sleeping.Just put two hand towels in some rare cases this popping sound in the jaw is moved.There are many home remedies may include pain when at rest.One of the bite guard or splint can cause severe discomfort which may cause one to totally eliminate the pain even while you are hit from behind in an attempt to reduce if you clench and grind, if your doctor does decide that you have TMJ syndrome include ear pain, or more of a bite plate to help alleviate your pain and tenderness around areas ear, jaws and head. Place the tip of the so-called methods of strengthening your jaw hurts you might wear it until things get out of the stress also because when you open your mouth as you open your mouth too wide, chewing so softly only to address the root cause there are other symptoms include: pain in the daytime or at night, puts heavy pressure on one's ear in order to completely disrupt your daily dose of BOTOX is an option for your doctor prescribes muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories may also lead to permanent teeth damage.

All this could be one part of the mouth comfortablySwelling on the nerves coming from the jaw goes to bed.Practical measures include eating soft foods, using heat, and sometimes during the night.Avoid chewing gum or any other suggestions by your dentist.Avoid eating before going to bed stress free.

[pomrania]

Words May Yet Come

((part of the Little by Little AU))

Zeb didn't think of himself as a coward. He was brave, strong; a warrior, a survivor. But an important part of that was being honest with himself, and he had to admit: he had acted in cowardice, running away from his fears and doubts and uncertainties.

  From Ezra.

  He had gone to release his aggression on a difficult hunt, in a place he knew Ezra wouldn't be. End results of that endeavour: one dead spider, knowledge that they smelled too bad on the inside for him to consider them a viable food source, the better part of an hour spent trying to clean himself sufficiently, and one set of clothing incinerated after the scent couldn't be removed from it. Absolutely nothing productive.

  He didn't know what he could have done instead, but the point was that he hadn't even tried.

  He didn't much know what Ezra had been doing in that time, either. All he knew was that Ezra had slept elsewhere -- somewhere safe, Hera had reassured him -- the past night, had gone out in the morning before Zeb could do more than get a glimpse of him, and had apparently said something to Sabine which upset her. She didn't want to talk about it, and Zeb didn't ask.

  He was worried that their family was starting to fall apart. It didn't always come as a big dramatic fight; it could start as giving someone their distance, for a necessary moment, and then the moment continued until it was too awkward to stop. He needed to make sure Ezra had enough space, but also enough connection to the people who loved him. He needed to keep everyone together. He needed... to talk to Ezra, even if just to say that the spiders weren't edible. Anything, so long as it was conversation.

  He wasn't going to wait for the perfect moment, perfect moments for awkward talks didn't exist. He just needed a moment, any moment.

  The moment didn't come.

  Ezra was nowhere to be seen. He was probably still out somewhere, it wasn't evening yet.

  Night fell, and still no sign of Ezra, at least not that Zeb knew of. In normal circumstances, there would be no reason to expect Ezra to be back by then. He wasn't a child; he didn't have a set bedtime. But Zeb couldn't help but think that this was intentional, that Ezra was avoiding him on purpose.

  If that was the case, there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was wait, and see if Ezra would show up to sleep in his own bunk.

  Zeb had almost resigned himself to the fact that Ezra would not be coming back any time soon, when the door slid open. Ezra stood there, framed against the corridor. "Hey," he said, and weakly smiled.

  Zeb grunted in response. He had wanted to say something... but there was nothing really to say. Where were you, what happened, were you actually avoiding us, those words wouldn't help. They would just make the distance greater.

  Ezra kicked off his boots, and sniffed. "Kanan was right," he said. "You do still smell. Worse than normal, I mean."

  Zeb chuckled. "Are you going to develop a super-sensitive nose too?" he asked.

  That was a mistake. Somehow, that had been the wrong thing to say. Ezra didn't glare at him, or get angry, he just... seemed to withdraw and tense up. He carefully put his boots away, instead of leaving them wherever they landed. He said nothing.

  They didn't normally talk much while they were getting ready for bed, but it was rarely silent. This was thick, oppressive; like it had an existence of its own, defying anyone to break it.

  Once Ezra had changed into his sleepwear, Zeb waited with something between anxiety and anticipation. This was when it had happened before, the arguments about the lights. He was going to do it differently this time. He wasn't going to make a fuss about it, he wouldn't complain about the lights being on. He was --

  He didn't expect Ezra to wordlessly hit the switch, plunging the room into darkness.

  Why -- wasn't that a --

  "...you can leave it on if you want," Zeb said, once he found his voice. "If I can sleep sitting up with a battle raging on the other side of a thin wall, and I can, I can sleep in my own bunk with a little bit of overhead light." Especially if it meant so much to a member of his family.

  "Well, that's not what you said last week."

  Zeb couldn't see Ezra -- from the dark, from their relative positions -- but he didn't need to. He got everything he needed to know, none of it pleasant, from the tone of voice. He imagined being limited to that, forever.

  He didn't know how to respond. He could deny -- deny that he'd said those words (although he had), deny that he meant anything by it -- try to explain -- justify himself... but what mattered was how Ezra had felt hearing it, not just what he'd meant in saying it.

  He didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He only hit the switch himself, wordlessly, and the room was illuminated again. Visible.

  "Seriously, Zeb," Ezra said, and he was obviously trying to sound calm and casual. "I need to get used to it sooner or later."

  Get used to not being able to see.

  No, that wasn't it; he wouldn't have said something like that so calmly. He probably meant "get used to sleeping with the light off", but now the other interpretation was in Zeb's mind.

  One could get used to almost anything, no matter how painful. Zeb knew that, from personal experience he wouldn't have wished on his worst enemy (if only because it would involve people other than said "worst enemy" suffering). It was possible, but it was never pleasant. And there was no advice or comfort he could offer, other than trite phrases like "it will feel better with time" which, although true, never actually helped.

  He lay back, and stared at the underside of the bunk above. He wasn't used to looking at it. Normally, if he was in his bunk, either his eyes would be closed because he was sleeping, or he would be sitting up and thus not facing it. There were a few scratches in the otherwise-smooth surface, but nothing interesting. If this was going to be a regular occurrence, maybe he should put something there, like a poster or two, to liven it up....

  He shouldn't still be awake, but it wasn't because of the light. Zeb could sleep in almost any environment or condition. The only exception was when there was still something that he needed to do. As was the case.

  He couldn't just leave it like that with Ezra. Don't fall asleep on an argument, because you don't know if either of you will ever wake up again; that had been drilled into him. Now, they probably weren't in any danger, and it wasn't really an argument,  but it was still a problem, one that needed to be addressed.

  He opened his mouth, and took a deep breath. "Look, I... I'm sorry," he said.

  There was a "sorry for what?"-shaped silence coming from above him, from where Ezra was not sleeping.

  "Getting on your case about the lights."

  There was no response, but he'd expected that. "I can sleep anywhere, and you know it," he continued. "I was just arguing with you, because it's fun. Was fun." That was now apparently one more thing he'd lost in life, that easy friendly teasing.

  "You're important to us," Zeb said in Ezra's direction. He closed his eyes; it wasn't like he'd be able to see him anyways. "You matter. Don't forget that."

  Ezra mumbled something. From the tone of it, it was probably nothing that anyone was intended to hear. Maybe he himself didn't even know what he was saying.

  Zeb didn't want to make the same mistake again, or the same type of mistake. "If you need something, or if I'm doing something wrong... just tell me." He thought about that, and added, "You're not a bother. We're in this together. We're family."

  He remembered how Kanan had behaved and responded, in the months after Malachor; and years earlier, in his former life on Lasan, how badly-injured comrades sometimes talked, when they felt useless and a burden. Ideally, he wanted to prevent that line of thought from ever taking hold.

  "Is that it?" Ezra quietly said.

  "Look, it's not easy for any of us," that was an understatement, "but you have just as much right to feel or complain or, whatever," and he trailed off. The sentiment had been so clear in his head, but the words refused to come; a sensation he was unfortunately familiar with. All he could do was hope that somehow, the meaning got through. "I don't know what I can do to help, but I'll be there for you."

  Zeb sighed. "That's... I can't think of anything else to say. Goodnight."

  There was a pause, and then an almost-mocking snort. "Okay, whatever," Ezra said. "I'm trying to sleep up here, so stop talking."

  That wasn't the response Zeb had hoped for, but it was the one he'd expected. Ezra wanted to act like everything was normal. Truth be told, so did Zeb; only, he wasn't sure what was now "normal".

  For months, the "normal" between them had been based on a lie, that there was nothing wrong. With that out of the way, they needed to determine what would be normal, moving forward. Only... it would keep changing over the next few years, as Ezra's sight continued to deteriorate. It would only settle into a constant once he was totally and permanently blind, and nobody was eager for that to happen.

  Some things were obvious. Ezra's night vision was never coming back, that was a fact. Until they had discussed it, and come to a reasonable conclusion, Zeb would make sure that the room was sufficiently bright. That was easy enough to do.

  For everything else, there were no easy or apparent solutions.

  Ezra would naturally be off active duty until everyone concerned had worked out what he could do, and what he needed. That was a long and boring process, and Zeb knew it, but at least the Rebellion didn't give its members the unpleasant and tedious tasks while they were recovering. (There was a lot that he missed about the Lasan guard, but not that.) Afterwards, they would be able to figure out what would become normal for missions; but until that was sorted, they could expect boredom and complaints.

  There was no telling how long it would take. Any of it. Except for... the medical droid knew the condition's expected timescale, to within half a year, but there was nothing about how long it would take for anything good to happen. When Ezra would stop avoiding them, when they would feel like they could smile again; when they could all be together and functioning and happy and it wouldn't matter that some of them couldn't really see.

  Ezra shifted, and the sound from his blankets seemed unreasonably loud. He was almost certainly still awake, it hadn't been that long. No matter what he had been going through, before then, it hadn't disturbed his sleeping patterns, not in any way that Zeb would have been able to notice. Although, Zeb had been away for a week, and Ezra hadn't slept in that room the previous night... maybe it had changed. He would find out soon enough.

  Zeb remembered that not everything that took someone's sight was so "kind" in that respect. He had slept beside Kanan, to give Hera a break, when the Jedi's sleep was constantly interrupted by pain and screaming nightmares; it hadn't been enjoyable, but he had willingly done it, because it was needed. He hoped it would never come to that with Ezra. Hera's information said that vision loss from Sacul Syndrome was painless, but they all knew that physical pain was just one possibility.

  Ezra probably wasn't going to ask for comfort. Would he accept it, if offered? More importantly, would he ask for, and accept, help if he needed it? Zeb mentally shrugged. Maybe?

  Ezra wanted everything to seem normal; and "normally" he wouldn't need help or comfort, but on the other hand, refusing something and making a big scene about it would also not be "normal". Through his closed eyelids, Zeb could see that the room's lights were still on. That was a sign of some kind, possibly telling him how to proceed. If he simply went ahead and did something to help, so long as it would actually be helpful, that might be the best course of action. Ezra would complain, and say that he didn't need it, but it would be easier than waiting for him to admit that he needed it. (By the time that happened, it would have become a non-issue for one reason or another.)

  Sometimes things could never go back to how they had been, and sometimes there was a horrible reason for why everything changed. Going blind would fall under that.  Still, just because something was irrevocably lost, that didn't mean that one couldn't find something different that was also good.

  Zeb had the perfect example of that. Lasan was gone. Everyone he had known from there was dead, and he would never meet them again this side of the veil. There was absolutely nothing good about the massacre of his people, his charges, his family. Despite all that, he loved his new family, on the Ghost. There was no question of "replacing" what he had lost, it didn't work that way, but they were important to him, and every bit as valuable, and precious.

  He would never be able to share that, though, not if he intended it to help in any way. Ezra would likely interpret it as "I've had it worse than you, so don't complain or feel bad", instead of "no matter how bad it gets, there can still be good things on the other side".

  Maybe Zeb couldn't share it then, not in words. Maybe all he could do was live out that knowledge that it wasn't the end, as an example.  And just maybe, if he was luckier than he had any right to be, he would find a way to get it across in ways that Ezra could understand.

[loisinherlane]

Title: Domino (Revised Chapter 1v1 (aka Season 1 Episode 1)

Summary: The war ended. The witches were vanquished. Domino had fallen. Though only sixteen years had passed, the Magical Dimension had done its best to forget its failures and move forward. But just as the dust seemed to settle, a new trio of witches seeks the same power their elders were denied. Without the royal family of Domino, no one knows where the Dragon Flame they use came from--but the strange girl from Earth may have answers.

Notes: Am I entirely finished with this chapter? No. Am I going to post any other chapters soon? No. But I wanted to get this out there. This is a revision of a fic near and dear to my heart. Unfortunately for readers on its original site of posting, I will not be continuing there. This first version of chapter 1 is a tumblr-exclusive, and once I finished editing, I’ll also post this on AO3. But for now, let me explain a little more.

Some of you around my age may remember a show called Wi .nx Club (censored to prevent tagging). This was my favorite show for a long time. However, as I’ve grown older, I’ve noticed more and more problems with the show, and as much as I loved my fic idea (based off of my dad’s complaint about Bloom’s abandoning her parents in the first episode), I had too many other ideas to contain. So, here this is: a large rewrite that completely overhauls the first season, changes a few characters significantly (basically this is less girl hate and more LGBT friendliness along with a few more adult themes ((but not too many because I’m too ace for that)) ), and is basically a big venture on my part. If you could, please, please talk to me about this. This story means so much to me. But I won’t make this note longer than necessary. Here we go.

-

Though all contact with Earth had abruptly ended after the disappearance of the Earthen fairies--a disappearance sadly preceded by their retreat into a small, glamoured area where they erased all evidence of their existence from the world and the memories of Earth’s other inhabitants--Earth was still regarded as a somewhat forbidden tourist attraction. With rich foliage to rival Lynphea, a strange sea life only comparable to Andros, and a resiliently adaptive variety of cultures, the World Without Magic was a fascinating getaway for many, so long as they could afford the hefty fine if caught or evade capture. Visiting Earth was a chance best taken when the opportunity presented itself.

For this reason, Crown Princess Stella de Soleil-Lune of Solaria saw absolutely no problem in stopping mid-transport to Alfea (for her second first year) on Earth. She didn’t have to be there for a few hours, and so long as she didn’t arrive more than half an hour late, it wouldn’t really matter. Her parents hadn’t bothered to wish her off this year, so no one knew exactly when she left, and it wasn’t out of the line for her to run late. It was the perfect plan.

Landing in the middle of a town called Gardenia, Stella intended to spend her detour examining how Earth’s shopping fared. Of course, landing in a forest-y clearing only to be greeted by an ogre derailed those plans.

-

Episode 1

The Earthen Fairy

-

There was no one but Bloom home in the Peters household during the summer. California summers brought on all sorts of fires, and Mike was always busy with the fire department, aiding anyone who needed help. Summer was also the time the flower shop flourished, so Vanessa rarely had time off. Occasionally, Bloom stepped in to help, but mostly she spent her time at home or out with Selina and Andy. Each morning, Bloom would rise at 8:30, just in time to tell her parents goodbye before they left work, and then she would find something to do, or fall back asleep.

“There's our little blossom. Always a late bloomer,” Mike teased as he finished up the last drops of his coffee. Bloom half-heartedly glared at her father before taking her seat at the kitchen table and stretching out, setting her feet on her father’s lap.

Vanessa was scanning her phone to check on flower orders, and she sighed loudly. “Look at this. This man wants to send flowers to his boyfriend, but his boyfriend is allergic to certain flowers. And all he says is, ‘Don't use the flowers he's allergic to.’” She sighed and set the phone down on the kitchen table, her nails lightly clicking against the screen as she closed out her calendar.

Bloom smiled sympathetically and patted her mom’s arm. Vanessa returned the look as she squeezed Bloom’s hand. Mike, refusing to be left out, joined in, his paler hand stark against their tanned skin.

“So you're both getting off at five today?” Bloom asked her parents, finally waking up enough to grab a piece of toast. She took a knife setting on one of the empty plates and carefully spread butter across the surface, smoothing it evenly.

Mike nodded, stretching his arms over his head and grunting with the effort, though it seemed to be more a huff at the day itself. He stood up slowly and began to gather his things for work, which wasn't much, as he tended to keep everything at the fire station. Vanessa hesitated.

“I think I may have quite a few orders today,” she sighed. “I'm not sure.”

Bloom perked up a little at the idea that she might have something to do. “Do you need help?” she asked eagerly.

Vanessa tried not to hide her worried look as she pushed her dark hair behind her ear. “No. No, don't worry about it, dear. We’ll handle it.”

“Oh, Mom, come on. I only broke one vase!” Bloom whined.

“One four hundred dollar vase,” Vanessa countered, straightening her overalls and checking her reflection in the window once more. Bloom flushed a little red, though the effect wasn't much with the fieriness of her hair. She rolled her dark blue eyes and crossed her arms.

Mike straightened up from where he’d been adjusting his boots. He smiled at the two ladies as he grabbed his keys. “Alright, ladies. I'll see you tonight. Good luck at the shop, Vanessa,” he said softly, leaning in for a kiss. Bloom averted her eyes and made a face. Mike laughed as he pecked his daughter’s forehead. “Are you going out with Andy and Selina today?”

Bloom frowned at the mention of her friends and shook her head, slumping back into the wooden chair. “No. Andy has his family reunion, and Selina’s at this… fantasy convention thing.”

“Ah. Well, don't sleep all day then,” he teased, finally moving towards the door. Vanessa kissed her daughter goodbye as well, and then Bloom was left alone.

On a day like that, there wasn't much for Bloom to do. Unwilling to do nothing and being entirely awake, she grabbed a baseball tee and a pair of jeans, getting dressed and ready to go. Bloom’s brand new(-ish) bike was dug out from the back of the garage, where she shakily mounted it and rode off to the park. She never went any further than that, as she didn’t trust her bike-riding skills to take her any farther. Both Andy and Selina were busy, so she was alone with Kiko, dropping her bike against a tree as she bought an ice cream. The park was fairly bare, for a summer day, but it was hot. Most people were probably reveling in their air conditioning.

“What a boring day, Kiko,” Bloom lamented, setting the bunny in her lap. He was kind of an odd rabbit, fur a little bluish in tint, and he never ran off, no matter where Bloom took him. She’d found him one day in the backyard. When she opened the door to go inside, he’d dashed in front of her. Her parents had been a little hesitant with Kiko at first, never wanting him outside of his cage, but it soon became apparent that as long as he had his litter box, there would be no messes. The Peters decided not to question their luck, and Bloom kept her strange little friend. “I just wish something interesting would happen for once.”

Kiko just gave her a funny look. After a moment, his ears perked up, and he darted off into the woodsy section of the park. Bloom shot up, alarmed.

“Kiko!” she yelled, abandoning her bike and running after him.

Following the pitter-patter of little bunny feet was difficult. Luckily, Kiko seemed intent that Bloom follow him. Pausing every once in awhile so she could catch up, Kiko led her to another clearing, too deep in the trees to be visible from civilized areas.

“Kiko, what are you--” Bloom froze. They hadn’t quite exited the shaded shelter of the trees, but the clearing was brightly lit by the sun, and the two figures before her were, well--

“What the hell do you want?”

The girl looked like something out of an RPG, glittering orange shorts and top that almost looked like lingerie, the translucent skirt of her--was it a dress?--almost like sunshine, like the rays visible in the air on a sunny day. Three small wings protruded from her back, and Bloom vacantly wondered if her was pulled into pigtails to keep them from tangling. She swung what looked like a scepter haphazardly.

The . . . thing she was fighting was hardly fazed by her efforts. A smile spread across his muddy yellow face.

“What a weak fairy. You don’t even use your powers,” he said slowly. Bloom couldn’t decide if it was an unfamiliarity with the language or an affectation, but it certainly fit the role he was playing. He did seem to have an odd accent. She couldn’t quite place it.

Bloom looked down to Kiko. “Fairy? They must be roleplaying or something,” she shrugged, prepared to return home. Kiko darted around her feet, preventing her from moving. “Kiko!”

The girl in the clearing was knocked back, but instead of landing, her wings fluttered. She hovered a few feet above the monster and stuck out her tongue. “You can’t get me from up here!”

His lips curled, and small red . . . gremlins darted out, jumping towards her. The girl screeched.

“I am Stella de Soleil-Lune, crown princess of the reunited Solaria! If you harm me, my parents will show no mercy!”

Bloom hesitated, looking at Kiko. He stared at her expectantly. She looked back at the girl and her terrified face.

“But what do I do?” she murmured. After another moment’s trepidation, she grabbed a stick, ran forward, and smacked the monster from behind. “Leave her alone!”

The monster spun around a little, more out of surprise than pain. Both he and the girl stared, and for a second, Bloom’s heart stopped. Oh, no. Had she interrupted some sort of game after all?

Then the girl took the moment to act, the gremlins having stopped without any orders. A bright light shot from her fingers and destroyed the gremlins.

The monster growled menacingly at Bloom. “You little--” He tried to grab her wrist, but the moment he touched her skin, Bloom cowered, and a warm pulse rushed through her. The monster was knocked away.

The girl’s brows shot up. “Hey, you’re a--”

The monster huffed and turned away, grumbling, “I don’t have time to deal with you. She’s the one I want.”

“But you can’t have me!” The girl raised her scepter high, closing her eyes. “As crown princess of Solaria, fairy of the sun, moon, and stars, I call on the power of the heavens to banish the one who threatens me!”

Bright light flooded the area, and yet it didn’t seem to blind Bloom. When the light died down, only the girl--Stella, she remembered--and Bloom remained.

Stella smiled brightly in a sort of way that made even Bloom a little flustered. “I’m so glad you’re here! I thought--” Suddenly, she wavered, her expression faltering into something weak. She blinked a couple times, then collapsed, her attire disappearing in a shimmer of sunlight, leaving the girl in odd, yet regal, attire. Exchanging a quick look with Kiko, Bloom knelt down beside her, hesitantly placing a hand on the girl’s clammy forehead.

“Shit.”

-

What was she to do with an unconscious girl in the middle of the park? Bloom was only a few inches over five feet, and Stella seemed to be fairly tall. No matter how skinny she was, Bloom was sure she couldn’t carry the girl home, or even out of the forest to the rest of the park. Aside from that dilemma, she wasn’t sure she wanted anyone to see Stella. Whatever had just occurred wasn’t normal, and there were only four people on Earth she would trust with that. Her parents being at work, she elected to beg Andy to duck out of his family reunion. He, at least, could carry Stella. Not that he was particularly pleased with the situation, but he’d never been able to say no to Bloom.

(“Why didn’t you call your dad? Or an ambulance?” he asked with a sort of fond exasperation as he set Stella on the couch in Bloom’s living room. She pulled the soft blanket from the basket and carefully draped it over the stranger.

“Dad’s at work, and an ambulance--”

“Yeah. Alright,” he said, brushing it aside as he left. Suddenly, Bloom no longer felt like telling him about her adventure.)

When her parents returned, there wasn’t much she could do to explain the sight of an unconscious, unfamiliar girl.

“We need to take her to the hospital,” Mike insisted.

“Dad, we don’t even know who she is. What if they do something to her?” Bloom fretted.

Vanessa knelt down by Stella, looking her over briefly. “Honey, we don’t even have first aid training. What are we supposed to do? She’s clearly… ill,” she said, stroking Stella’s hair lightly. Stella stirred, eyes flickering open. The Peters stared intently, ready to see what she said as she awoke.

“If the sun’s not out, it’s not time to get up.”

Mike made sort of a frustrated look, and Vanessa sighed.

“Young lady, you’ve slept past sunset. I think it’s time to get up,” she prodded.

Very slowly, as if in protest, Stella opened her eyes and sat up. Abruptly, she slammed her hands on the cushion of the couch and scanned the room until she caught sight of Bloom. “You! Thank the moon and stars, someone I can trust. I need to borrow your phone.”

Bloom hesitantly glanced to her parents, who didn’t know what to tell her. Fingers trembling, she pulled her sky blue phone out of her pocket and handed it to Stella. The girl frowned in confusion. “Oh, did I forget to unlock it?” Bloom asked, reaching to take the phone back.

Stella didn’t seem to hear her. “What planet are you from?” she asked slowly.

Bloom raised a brow. “Earth?”

Stella stared at Bloom suspiciously before she understood that Bloom was being completely honest. A look of wonder spread across her face, and she bounced eagerly.

“I found a real life Earth fairy? That’s-- That’s crazy! We thought you were dead! Have you been in hiding all this time?”

A fairy. Stella had said that before, but… Surely Bloom wasn't really a fairy. That was crazy. Magic wasn't real. And yet she had no explanation for what was going on.

Question after question came flying, but they only served to heighten the confusion of her hosts. Mike and Vanessa turned to look at their daughter again.

“I have no idea what she’s talking about,” Bloom insisted. “I told you. I was in the park when I saw her fighting this . . . thing.”

“An ogre,” Stella interjected. “He’s been attacking a lot of princesses lately. My parents didn’t want me to travel alone to school, but . . .” She hesitated, like she didn’t want to get into that.

Mike sighed, running a hand through his graying blond hair. “About half of that made sense. Look, why don’t you call your parents, and we’ll see if we can figure this out.”

Stella crossed her arms over chest. “Well, I would if your phone had intergalactic coverage. Earth is so woefully behind. Oh, but I’m sure with an Earth fairy being properly trained at Alfea, everything will be better.”

“What’s Alfea?” Vanessa asked.

Stella stared blankly. “You . . . don’t know what Alfea is?” When she realized the name had no recognition in any of the three, she sighed. “Alfea College for Young Fairies. It’s a training school. And the best one in the Magical Dimension. Magix City is home to all three of the best schools. Alfea, for fairies,” she reminded, “Red Fountain, for Specialists, and Cloud Tower, for witches.” Her lips snarled at that last bit.

Mike shook his head and looked at Bloom. “This girl must be suffering from heatstroke. I’m going to call a doctor.”

Stella pouted, her wide brown eyes flashing indignantly. As soon as Mike grabbed his phone, it flashed into a carrot. He froze as the carrot slipped from his fingers, and Kiko hopped over to investigate, mouth open and teeth bared to take a nibble. Stella smiled sheepishly and pointed her finger to lift the carrot into the air.

“Sorry. I’m not really good at controlling that yet,” she explained.

Bloom stare in awe. Half-convinced that the scene at the park had been some crazy hallucination, she wasn’t sure what to make of this. “You-- You’re really a--”

Mike and Vanessa exchanged a solemn look while Stella brightened.

“Stella de Soleil-Lune, fairy of the sun, moon, and stars, crown princess of the reunited Solaria,” she said delicately.

Bloom smiled shyly. “Um. Bloom Peters.”

“Fairy of . . . something!” Stella supplied. “I don’t know what you did, but that ogre couldn’t touch you. It was amazing. And you weren’t even in fairy form! I had to rely on this.” She paused sadly, a little disappointed in her abilities, spinning her ring around her finger.

Bloom hesitated. “You did finish him off.”

“I sent him about ten kilometers away. But thanks,” she replied.

The room fell silent, and Bloom looked back at her parents. They only stared at her, then looked to Stella.

“What’s fairy form?” Bloom asked after a moment.

Stella furrowed her brow. “You haven’t transformed yet? Most fairies can by thirteen. I was an early bloomer. I did it by twelve,” she said proudly.

Bloom shook her head. Stella sighed and tossed the blanket off her legs, riding to her feet. She held two fingers up on each hand and crossed her arms over her chest. In a flash of light, the form Bloom had seen earlier, pigtails and all, reappeared. Mike and Vanessa gaped.

“So,” Stella said, “let’s see you try.”

Bloom didn’t know where to begin.

Stella was clearly unaware of how to teach someone something that was so integral to her.

“Okay. Well. Um. Hold up your fingers like this,” she instructed, showing Bloom how her index and middle fingers were together while the others were folded on both hands. Bloom copied the position. “Okay. Then, to, um-- Well, this creates sort of a . . . channel of magical power. You want to make a burst of energy that will allow you to transform. By crossing your hands over each other, the energy from both sides meets, and--”

Bloom nodded and did as she remembered Stella doing. Nothing happened.

“No! Okay, yes, I mean. That’s what I do. But you have to find your own technique,” she explained. “A lot of fairy families have techniques specific to them, but I mean, even then, you really just have to find what works for you. And sometimes it depends on powers. Certain focuses need to be charged in different ways. I don’t really need any of that, but I just think it’s easier to have the energy close during transformation--”

Vanessa interrupted. “Is this something you should be doing inside the house?”

Stella started, as if she’d forgotten they were there. “It’s harmless. Really. And Bloom needs to know how to transform if she’s going to go to Alfea with me.”

“Alfea,” Bloom repeated, intrigued by the idea. Mike shook his head.

“My daughter is not going anywhere, especially not some school we’ve never even heard of.”

With a dainty huff, Stella lifted her shoulders. “I just told you! It’s the best place Bloom can go to train herself. She’s a fairy! She needs it.”

Bloom slowly lowered her arms. Looking back at her parents, she hesitated. “Um. When does school start? Maybe I can consider it,” she tried to mediate.

“Um, problem,” Stella pointed out gently. “I’m on my way to school. And I’m really kind of late. My parents are going to kill me. School starts in like three days. I’m supposed to be moving in now. But I’m sure Ms. Faragonda will turn a blind eye if I bring you!”

Bloom looked back at her parents. Vanessa smiled as she placed a hand on her shoulder. “Maybe next year, honey. I don’t think--”

Stella sighed. The ring around her finger began to glow, and the color drained from her face. “Oh! I’m so sorry to dash off like this, really, but if you’re not coming, I have to go. My parents are trying to track me, and if they find out I’m on Earth--” Her face lit up. “Aha! I can say the ogre attacked me. That will work. Yeah, I was transporting, and I fell on Earth because he attacked. But I still ought to go. Thank you so much. May the moon and stars bless you.” She pulled the ring from her finger and tossed it up until it turned back into the scepter Bloom had seen her carry. In another flash of light, she disappeared.

Eventually, the Peters decided that the best thing to do was forget about the encounter. Bloom was still unsure of the existence of magic, and her parents were unsure of what to do with the knowledge. Summer passed; school resumed, and Bloom spent her time with Selina and Andy delving into fantasy novels and homework.

As for the crown princess of Solaria, she elected to remove their part in the story when she arrived at Alfea. After all, why would anyone believe there was a fairy on Earth? She’d already been nearly expelled. It was better to stay on the straight and narrow this year. Her suitemates never had a clue that Stella was involved in any incidents other than the decimation of the potions lab.

[davidaolson]

Pull out your pocketknife, open the blade, and run it across your burnished arm. If you draw blood, you are human. If you draw wet sand that dries quickly, then you will know you have become part of the desert. Not until then can you claim ownership. ~Terry Tempest Williams

Blood Letting

With the first reading of Terry’s bleeding sand quote in her lovely book, Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert, I have taken to testing myself every trip to red rock country. I need to know if I am an interloper in desert lands ghosting through or can claim desert kinship and the earth will accept my roots. My soul says, I am desert but my head needs physical proof, hard evidence, liquid testimony. Once maybe twice, my flowing blood appeared to contain minute traces of red sand. It was just as likely the blood loosed sand grains stuck in my pores trapped while scrapping my flesh over difficult scrambles up the Slickrock. I didn’t take proper precautions for a valid experiment and isolate the variables. This trip will be different. I’ve come prepared.

The knife purchased for the occasion is still a virgin, still inside the plastic liner, still inside the box, still manufacturer sealed, uncontaminated by dust, dirt, particulate. The blade is 2.4 inches long, 420HC bead blasted, stainless steel. It is assisted opening so I don’t need to fumble come the time to experiment and risk it falling onto Earth. I will use it for one testing then retire it with the others in safe storage.

When I get a house again, they will be all be mounted, blades extended, behind glass, a showcase with a Katana arched overhead. I love knives as did my father before me. I have a collection upward of 30 many made with my own hands. I purchased full tang blades then created the handles out of exotic woods, metals, and antler, getting a much better price on high-quality high carbon steel than if I purchased a complete knife. I had neither the tools nor the skills to forge the blades. If I did, they would all be multi-layer Damascus steel.

Also different this trip, the location. I’m hiking the Sedona Red Rocks, not my beloved Southern Utah Red Rocks. Though both are red rocked they speak to me with distinct voices. Are they kin, the red rocks? The same tribe separated by hundreds of miles or two distinct peoples. I won’t know until I become as intimate with the land in the Sedona backcountry as I am in Moab and can feel its soul seeping into my exposed flesh. I won’t know until I have spent enough time to draw in a breath and recognize the tang of the early morning breeze cascading down the monoliths, across the plains, and through the gnarled juniper extending arthritic arms heavenward. Even when I think I know, I probably won’t know for sure. Identical twins though similar have unique essences not discernable to the casual observer.

Seeking Intimacy

We flew from Chicago to Phoenix, lovely and warm Phoenix then drove the 120 miles mostly uphill gaining a few thousand feet, cruising through a forest of giant saguaro people many over 200 years old. I would have liked to spend time with those old people, bask in their slender shadow spirits, share their secrets of thriving desert life, of coping in challenging conditions. Maybe crawl inside a dead or nearly dead old one and extract a stout rib for a walking stick. But visiting the ancients was our plan for the return trip. For now, I was eager to set eyes upon red rock.

The Unplanned Airport Loop

Originally, we thought about kicking the trip off on Friday evening but that would mean driving up to Sedona at night then sleeping in, possibly late, the next morning. The early flight Saturday morning forced us out of bed early and gifted us an entire morning viewing alien, alien to Midwesterners, Arizona landscapes.

We arrived at our hotel, the Sky Ranch Lodge Resort, a boutique type hotel on lovely grounds, just after the noon hour. Too early to check in. What to do? Why hike of course. Our hotel was conveniently situated adjacent to a 0.6-mile hike terminating a the Sedona Trail View Point, a minor mound to climb for a better view of the valley below, the rock structures perched magnificently beyond. We changed into hiking gear, meaning switching our shoes, grabbed a liter of water, and headed out for a get your hiking feet wet, 1.2-mile round tripper.

The short walk was uneventful and delightful. The trail which had been muddy from the previous week’s snow was mostly dry. There were sporadic benches we sat on for a great view of rocks and city. Much of the trail was littered with baby heads, softball-sized round rocks notorious for dumping mountain bikers out of the saddle. Baby heads are perfect for ankle rolls. A few were loose exacerbating the challenge. We spent a good deal of time looking down at our feet instead of up and out at the vistas which is why I made use of every bench along the way. Thankfully, we were meandering through a shaded, juniper forest so reveled in the divine scent. We arrived at the Scenic Point and scaled the much steeper final ascent to the rock dome.

Our first mistake, one that would haunt us the entire trip, we unthinkingly booked to coincide with Spring Break. People were everywhere and parking would be a hassle the entire trip not to mention traffic jams whenever driving near the main drag of the town. Ugh!

We scurried off the top of the rock dome with the speed and dexterity of eight-legged spiders climbing down a wall to escape a circling bird. Our nemesis was the noise. We needed to escape the cacophony only to be frustrated the main viewing area had grown more crowded and increasingly noisy. So many people. Too many people. We also heard a word here that would percolate up in Sedona on a regular basis. The word, vortex.

A vortex is defined locally as an energy site that enhances meditation, healing, and creativity. It means some very different in the Midwest. For us, a vortex is a spell of freakishly cold, Winter weather with the power to sap one’s will to live.

A local guide with an air of bliss in her countenance was talking to a group about the spot we all were as a vortex and she was sensitive to the underpinning energies. I half expected her to drop into a hand trembling trance to emphasize her point summoning dreaming spirits from their reverie. It seemed every place we visited had a vortex completing diluting the term. It came across more like a gimmick to dazzle tourists.

I have been to many wild places in my life and have tapped into my share of earth energy emanating from those places. I tingled when we drove through the grove of giant saguaros. I’ve experienced similar feelings of awe at some houses of worship irrespective of faith. Those structures were built on top of a place oozing holy earth energy and leverage this in the wooing of believers. Unfortunately, those get tied to the likes of organized religion rather than attributing the sense of the spiritual to Earth herself and we wind up with competing religious sects often times spilling into violence. That is a slap in the face of Earth from which the energy emanates.

I sat still for a few moments, eyes closed, soul open, and felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Not a sense of awe. Not an inkling of the divine. Which is much unlike the strong sense of the sacred I experience in many places across Southeastern Utah. But Utah is my love while Sedona is an ‘any port in a storm’ mistress used to satisfy base needs. Perhaps that distinction explains my feelings…or…my inability to sense the supposed vortex. I may also have been the many people mulling about raping the silence. It is hard to sense divinity when assaulted by violent noise.

Another, what to do moment. And what did we do? Why hike, of course. The 3.2-mile Airport trail loop began and ended at this point. We had easily done a challenging 5 miler through Devil’s Garden at Arches National Park four years earlier on our wedding trip so a mere 3.2 jaunt? Ha. Ha. Ho. Ho. Hee. Hee. Away we go for a little hikee.

Trail Marker

History tells us, fifty or so yards into a trail shows a steep dropoff of people per square meter. Twenty yards into this trail the silence returned. We relished in the solitude and immediately felt bliss, were enchanted by the wide blue sky, the relative warmth, and seeing beings native to the area. We made the right choice.

Prickly pear bordered the trail in abundance with some beds punctuated by butter gold flowers with burnt orange hearts. Many see this particular cactus, possibly the most widely spread of all cacti, and think scrub or weeds or nuisance. I see resilience. I see perseverance. I see stark beauty. Sharp pointy stilettoes protecting themselves from evil intent on inflicting harm. Maybe, if I lived here, I would decay into the same mindset as I do with dandelions back home. Being a Midwesterner, Prickly Pear are a rare being with whom to interact.

I kissed the first red wall we saw. Catholics kiss the pope’s ring. I kiss red rock endemic to the American southwest. We each have our own perceptions of the Holy. My holy of holies happens to exist within a particular russet vertical gradation of Earth. It felt dirty. Not in a clay, dust, loam in my mouth way, in an, I’m cheating on my love way. I enjoyed it but couldn’t shake the lingering guilt of betraying an adored one so the joy was heavily attenuated. How do people have affairs and live with themselves?

Prickly Pear

Kissing Red Rocks

We passed a couple of other hiking groups. One was typically backcountry friendly letting us know we were halfway through the hike which came as a shock because we figured, measured by sweat and fatigue, we were close to completion. The other, an older, bearded gentleman wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sandals, being tugged along by a scraggly little dog attached to a long leash, said nothing to us. Didn’t even nod in acknowledgment which is unheard of in the backcountry. We gave each other a side eye, knowing glance that said, what the fuck is he doing on a trail? Was there a rescue helicopter sighting in our near future?

The sun was high overhead now and our water was getting low. We continued to ration with both magnanimously deferring sips to the other meaning neither drank enough. Luckily, it wasn’t a much hotter day so the water wasn’t siphoned out of our pores leaving us dehydrated. The desert doesn’t suffer fools for long.

Soul Blood on a Prickly Pear

I slipped once on loose scree when not paying close enough attention to my footfalls and lightly brushed against a prickly pear. It was growing chest height atop a short wall. I felt needle pain deep in my chest but didn’t find any holes in my shirt or scratches on my skin nor any pinholes where blood escaped to the surface. The cactus, though, had a subtle shimmer as if a spider spun a gossamer web of opalescent silk over the pad. I snapped a few photos from varying angles including adding a polarizing filter trying to isolate the shimmer. The added filter removed enough glare to enhance the luster. It wasn’t until I uploaded the images to my computer and viewed in photo enhancing software with an infrared approximation that the shimmer was revealed fully. Blood. Soul blood was scraped from and oozed out of my body coating the cactus leaving the iridescent sheen.

The Northern section of the loop trail was populated by taller trees providing dappled shade from the sun, narrower views. It wasn’t hot, in the low 60s, but the effort at an altitude unfamiliar to our lungs added to our perception of the hike’s strenuousness. We were struggling physically and mentally with a desire to rest competing with a drive to finish. Our poor planning meant we hadn’t brought any trail snacks so besides being thirsty, we were getting hungry. At one point, we looked down upon a neighborhood and both voiced thoughts of scrambling to the road and calling an Uber. We didn’t.

Barefeet and a Katana

For most of the hike, I walked behind my wife. It seemed I was constantly on her heels which makes stepping more difficult because forward vision is blocked by another human being. When there is space between, the eyes look further out compensates when the further becomes nearer subconsciously adjusting footfalls so not to break an ankle. It’s a trick I learned mountain biking when speed requires forward vision not looking exactly the path the wheel takes. I had grown weary of looking down for two hours. I switched to be ahead of her and put a bit of distance between us ensuring she could use the compensation part of her brain. I didn’t get too far ahead that she couldn’t see me bopping along.

It was this point in our hike I encountered a lone woman on the trail walking toward me. She seemed to appear out of nowhere, was dressed in a style I can only approximate as bohemian hiker. She had neither pack nor water bottle. She carried long unkempt hair, sorta dreaded, piled high atop her head cascading over her left shoulder. She was absent of shoes either on her feet nor carried a pair for situations requiring tootsie protection. I was both intrigued at her closeness to cool Earth drawing energy through her soles and bewildered that someone would put the well being of their feet at risk on what was mostly a rock-strewn trail.

She was fairly tall but that could have been an illusion by her hair piled high. Her face was pinked. Exertion? Sun? Bliss? Her smile existed somewhere between rapture and complete vacuousness giving the impression she was deeply immersed in a cult and had lost all ability to reason from her own thoughts. She was staring off into the distance and when I said hi, which is universally expected when hikers cross paths, she said “Oh…hi” back as if was an entirely new experience. Or, she may have been a spirit being and was surprised because the spirit and physical worlds rarely cross-pollinate. Having bridged the gap more than once, I understand how it can flummox one’s perception of reality.

A few minutes later, my wife caught up to me.

“Did you him?” she asked. “See who?” “The guy with the big, curved knife. He popped up out of the bushes after the girl passed. He was barefoot and carried a big, curved, knife.” “Curved knife?” “A sword.” “You mean a katana?” I looked down the trail from whence she came. “Yes. He popped up next to me from nowhere then disappeared into the bushes again.” “He carried a katana?” “He scared me so I hurried to catch up to you.” “What color was the handle?” “The handle? There was a long blade. I didn’t notice the handle.”

When I think Katana, I think of the beautiful, white handled, dragonhead katana wielded by the immortal Duncan Mcleod of the clan Mcleod in his quest to survive The Game where there can be only one. I found myself wishing I had actually purchased the katana I saw on Amazon and brought it along on this trip. Ignoring the plight of getting a 40-inch blade on a commercial airline in a post 9/11, paranoid Trumpian world. I envisaged engaging the ruffian in a clanging sword fight protecting the love of my life from impending doom eventually taking the head of the barefoot stranger lurking in the woods saving future visitors from a gruesome gutting and the authorities swooping in to find dozens of corpses hidden in shallow hills on this side of the mesa. Barring that, I scanned the grounds for a thick stick to carry as a counter-terrorism weapon. If only I was carrying that stout saguaro rib I would be invincible.

For the next while of our hike, we made repeated glances over our shoulders. Not that it would make any difference. If he was able to emerge silently from the woodlands once he could easily do it again. We didn’t stop glancing until a set of three hikers we passed earlier, passed us a second time. We chatted them up a second time with a strange twist to the conversation.

The gentlemen of the threesome, jovial both times we met up, asked me, “Why the pink sunglasses?” The question felt accusatory. I sensed an implication a real man would not wear bright, pink anything.

I should have digressed into our visit to Whitesands the previous year where the intense color of the light pained my eyes even when wearing my prescription sunglasses. And how these, purchased in New Mexico, had warmer lenses providing needed relief from the eye strain. But I wanted away from him so just said I liked them. He then told me, with an even bigger smile, he had a pair of bright yellow before the group headed off.

There is a backwoods question asking, how fast do you need to run to outrun a bear? The answer is only faster than the slowest person in the group. This group was now nearer to katana man than we so we were able to relax and quit stealing glances over our shoulders.

Our last encounter on the trail was Hawaiian shirt dude with his rat dog. They passed us again and again without acknowledgment. This is the guy we side eyed wondering if he would survive a loop only to have him lap us in seemingly high energy while we were struggling to finish. We were embarrassed questioning our ability as hikers. Our conclusion, we were wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Books and covers.

Trail’s End

The hike finished without further excitement. Although, we did hear and then catch a glimpse of a grey bird singing from the tippy top of a tallish juniper. It called out twice then disappeared. It was the only wildlife we encountered on the trail. There were no squirrels, no coyotes, no lizards, no rattlesnakes, not even any insects. Was it too early in the season?

The mile tally for the hike came in at a touch over 5. Not bad for the first day at elevation in red lands. Our plans to seize the next day included another 5 miler, the one and only hike I scouted before the trip. My hope was for it to be an all-day lingerer. Until then we would check into the Sky Ranch Lodge, eat dinner at a local Thai restaurant where we would also carpe vinum (seize the wine).

I found myself enjoying the Sedona red rock more than I expected. I wanted to like this vacation location but loving the land was out of the question. There is room for only one love in my heart. Yet, there is no denying I felt an ache in my heart seeking carnal knowledge. Was betrayal in the air? The heart wants what the heart wants.

Too be continued…

Twin Yellows

Love Desert Flowers

Adultery in Sedona, Part 1 Pull out your pocketknife, open the blade, and run it across your burnished arm. If you draw blood, you are human.

[outfromunderthegaslight]

Bitter Sweet Comes in the Morning

Last night I spent hours weeping. Not the kind of pretty tears that you see slowly pouring from girls eyes in the movies. The kind of grief that causes your whole body to shake without warning or explanation; stricken with sadness is a very real and horribly tangible thing. Sometimes the body’s response to extreme abuse comes over me like a plague. It seeps into the marrow of my bones like cancer. It’s not a good look for anyone, much less a lady. In those moments which seem to occur further and further apart from the last, I have this terribly dark though: Josh is still present in my roots. No matter how much my tree will blossom, no matter what good fruits or lovely flowers I produce. He still has destroyed a very deep part of my being. 

I can’t decide if admitting that shows great strength or immense weakness. I suppose that like all things, perspective and time will shed light on both the weeds and the flowers in my little garden of life. I find great irony in the moments of my darkening hour, that my ex must have also been in a particularly dark spot for at 1:00 AM last night with I was crying myself to sleep he finally agreed to sign and proceed with paperwork for the divorce. Talk about a joy comes in the morning kind of day. It’s funny that I almost feel bad for something so long coming to actually maybe have closure. I have certainly moved on with my life, but having a looming indefinite portion was definitely the cause for some misunderstood, creeping below the surface stress. 

Sometimes I feel completely happy and as carefree as Gene Kelley from “Singing in the Rain.” Other days, I can’t seem to muster enough motivation to put pants on, much less to dance. When I said “I Do” I didn’t think of it as a command for my own death sentence. I may as well have said, “I Will.” I Will forfeit years of my life to a boy who does not and will not know how to love me for all of me. I Will lie to my former self for years and make excuses for manipulation claiming that it is love and protection. Unbeknownst to me, I Will redefine for several years what health and happiness look like. I Will forget how much they once suited me. I Will deny the fact that my ex was unfaithful to me with countless girls. The multitudes of testimonies and his confessions and what I saw with my own two eyes diminished to a fairytale I thought or was made to think or maybe wanted to believe was the truth. I Will live in a false reality contrived to the point that even to this day, the details are all a little on the murky side. I will be broken down to the point that dear friends and family do not recognize who I have become. 

I didn’t think it was possible to get to where I am. I swore that if I loved you and if you loved me that our love would be enough to weather any sort of storm. I truly thought that my “I Do” meant more to you than two words you would twist to shape and fill the darkest needs you had. The fact that I gave you my heart is a gut-wrenching reality, You put me through a fucking meat grinder and remade my soul into something easy for you to palette. Just so you could chew me up and spit me right out. I like to think that I grieved and moved on, but the truth of the matter is that your words and actions still very much have a terrible power over me. The kind of grasp that chokes me to tears. The kind of hold that truly sucks the life right out of me. Clarity of mind and word obliterated. I’m rarely at an extreme loss for words. If I’m being honest, I usually have enough thoughts and feelings to fill a novel. My reassurance is the hardest thing to admit that you snatched from the pit of my soul and replaced it with your most powerful weapon: self-doubt. 

It didn’t happen over night. I didn't lose my fire with one heaping bucket of watery turmoil. It began with ember by ember being scorched and buried. For I was the one who buried my pride. Buried my opinions. But most of all, I hid away any and all of my wants and needs for absolute fear that if I were to give you my heart once more, you would surely do what you had done time and time again. Habits take time to form. I tried for years to give you my heart and show you my world. But it did not lead to a magic carpet ride. Instead, it led to my feminine being ground into the carpet so many times until I forgot. 

I forgot how to love and be loved. I am truly remorseful that I took my wants and needs and dreams to other people. I am sorry that I stopped going on adventures with you. I am not and will not ever be sorry or regret my choice to leave you. You were never going to change and you proved to me that I was not worth it to you. I was not worth your time or your energy. Maybe it’s because you knew you had lost that privilege years ago. And that was by your own conscious or self-conscious doing. Maybe you really are crazy. Maybe you truly can’t help your own mental insanity. The psychologist's evaluation would certainly lead me to believe that as the reality. Did you know that I didn’t even read your evaluation in its entirety for over 6 months after you gave it to me? Maybe it was because I didn’t want to believe the truth that I knew to be so deep within my bones. Or maybe it was because, then, like now, you are not worth my time. In some ways, I wish I had been able to hold onto the anger that consumed my heart. It was much easier remaining angry as opposed to actually processing the truth. 

The truth is that try as I might fix myself, to be a little bit better for you, to be enough for you, that I nor any other man or woman in the world would be either. For your sake, I wish that was not the case. I pity what you have become and truly wish you joy. But here’s where the sheep are separated from the lambs, where the men are distinguished from the boys; two halves do not make a whole: two whole people make a whole person. You were sick, you were not whole. My very best would never change that. And although I can acknowledge that now it does not change the conditioning to strive for perfection and never be good enough for you. You made that crystal clear. My truth was never enough, my lies were never enough, my work was never enough, myself was never enough because of you, yourself were never enough. 

THat’s a bitter pill to swallow and a hard tea to let steep. I am not playing the victim card although if I am going to be completely real in this open letter the victim is what I am. the victim is what you made me into. I wept last night not just because of words you said to me, but because of truths, I was made to believe. I, unfortunately, had a hard time opening up about my wants and needs because you made me feel worthless for ever acknowledging those things. I was crumpled in a ball because someone wanted me to believe something I knew in my heart not to be true. I will never be force-fed a false reality even when it’s easier to nod and smile than to fight and have my body go into full shutdown mode. That I still have triggers like that. To that degree pains me deeply. But it is a kind reminder of why I went through hell and back to leave you. 

Thank God for that. Who knows where I would be now. Maybe I never would have found and reformed the girl I once was into the woman I am now. That my dear is far scarier than an inconvenience I am experiencing now. I do still show the heartache of going through abuse. Sometimes I try to tell myself things that if they had run a different course would still allow for us to be together, although, after a taste of what it’s really like to love and be loved, even those changes wouldn’t matter. Because deep down, you would still be you. There’s far too much hurt there, far too much poison in the well to ever drink from again. I acknowledged that on Feb. 15th, 2015. Maybe and hopefully you accepted the same today. 

So with all that said and so much left unsaid, cheers to our pending divorce. May you never have to go through what you put me through.