#unfortunately i learned that jello takes several hours to set. so i had to make some egg drop soup after i made the jello fdsjkl

[dandyshucks]

Guz walking in to find me eating jello w whipped cream and i go "hooooly fuck dude have u tried this stuff. it's so good." and he looks at me like i'm insane for a second before laughing as if i've just told a joke and then i just stare at him and he realizes i was not joking at all and was being so very genuine. and then he just looks confused and is like "wait. you're telling me you seriously never had jello with whipped cream before????" and i nod and he loses his mind like "YEAH OF FUCKING COURSE IT'S GOOD JUNO, THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS AS A DESSERT FOR FIVE BILLION YEARS"

and then we eat some jello together <3

anyways guess who just had jello w whipped cream for the first time an hour ago HFDSHGDSGJKL

[well-its-not-human-anymore]

Okokok here this: april, reader and casey try to prank the boys. How does it go. With who does it fails/success, what was the prank, do they get caught? Do the boys get revenge, and if so, how?

Also, splinter sees it all unfolds, does he just gets himself a snack and watch, or does he tries to subtly join in without getting caught? (We all know hes got a playful side cmon)

Bonus: they try to prank vern too, maybe the boys join in to prank him? What do they do? Does he retaliate?

Okay so I admit I let my brain go nuts on this one, so it's a little long but I was cackling the entire time I was writing it.

TMNT Headcanons

Prank Wars

Leonardo

In your complete and utter defence, Leo had 100% started this

And also in your defence, you did tell him not to

Twice

But he tricked you into watching a horror movie and ended up dying your hair green

This meant war

You'd even wrapped up April and Casey into it

Their problems were your problems

Which meant that April was the one who convinced Splinter not to say anything to his sons

He was perfectly happy to oblige

Casey was just there to help set things up

And you liked the way his mind worked

The objective wasn't to go unnoticed, there would be no point in doing it and having no proof

You were doing this to prove that you could

Leo had emphasized that he couldn't be distracted

That you were to obvious and clumsy to prank him without him noticing

Challenge fucking accepted

And that's how you ended up at the kitchen table eating lunch with April and Casey when the boys were coming back from meditating with Splinter

April kept having to shove food in her mouth to hide her laughter

Casey just decided to wear sunglasses

And you kept overpowering the urge to smirk

"Hey guys, good to see you. Y/n have you seen my katanas?"

With the obstruction of water in your mouth you just nodded at him, pointing to the other room

He sauntered off, none the wiser to your victorious grin

When he came back in only a moment later his expression had done a complete 180

Leo made direct eye contact with you and you held that stare like a wolf cornered in its den

"does someone want to explain why my katanas are encased in blueberry jello?"

You raised your hand like a child in class

"hate to break it to you, but it's actually berry blue you uncultured bitch"

Raphael

Ohhhh you were so undeniably dead

A whole other level of six feet under

It wasn't a surprise that April and Casey had backed out on this one

It also wasn't a surprise that Splinter had offered to stand up for you if things went sideways

Donnie even gave you a sheet of paper with a list of hiding spots before hand

All of this went completely unnoticed by Raph, the target of your latest scheme.

And that was fine, you had only one objective here-

Make it out alive

But it was amazing what 1 person could do with some extra cash and internet access

So that's what led you to your current position.

Cross legged on the bench, watching the large red terrapin get ready for his first set, that in itself wasn't unusual, you always watched him lift just in case you needed to run and grab someone if something went wrong

Raph was none the wiser to your plan

At least that's what you thought

Your book was in your lap and you were calmly scanning your pages, somewhat comprehending the words but keeping a very close eye on the turtle across from you

"Hey y/n?"

You peeked over the edge of your book to meet his eyes

And your heart sank to your stomach

"Yeah Raph?"

He smirked at you, taking a lumbering step forward

"You ever seen that episode of the Office where Jim fills Dwight's phone with nickels so when he takes 'em out Dwight punches himself in the face?"

Shit shit shit shit shit shit-

"Uh... No, can't say that I have, why do you ask?"

That damn smile got even wider and all of your muscles tensed, you were ready to bolt

"I'm giving you a fifteen second headstart. Starting right now."

You flew to your feet and sprinted out of the weight room

"DONNIE WE GOTTA CODE RED!"

Your lungs were ready to burst by the time you made it to your decided hiding spot. Heavy footsteps went right underneath you and you held your breath, you wouldn't dare move.

You didn't come down until hours later when Splinter came and coaxed to you out of hiding

But deep down you knew you'd started something you couldn't finish.

Vern Fenwick

You didn't even have to convince the guys to partake in this

You didn't even get the chance to tell them what you were planning

They were already brainstorming

None of you let a word of it slip to April, she would've shut you down faster than you could blink

A complete buzz kill

But fake blood was relatively cheap and all of Vern's flooring was tile (meaning extremely easy to clean and bleach)

Donnie had really been the mastermind behind the execution, none of you had any idea how he'd rigged the apartment plumbing

But he'd assured you it would only affect Vern's suite and no one else's so you didn't concern yourself with it further

And after the fact you had to wonder what exactly the former cameraman was planning on the date he'd been in the middle of

All you knew was that you got a very frantic call from the falcon himself yelling about blood coming out of his tap and the sink wouldn't shut off and it was everywhere and what the fuck was happening?

You all knew that Splinter thought it was hilarious, he'd never been particularly fond of Vern

But he did make his sons assist in the clean up and bleaching of the victims apartment floor

You went too and offered moral support

Vern had hit on you one too many times, so there was no way you'd feel bad about this

Michaelangelo

As far as pranking went, you and Mikey were partners in crime

He always had great ideas and you always came up with the best ways to execute those ideas without getting caught

But when you separated those two chaos was guaranteed

You weren't entirely sure how you had been pitted against each other but you weren't entirely mad about it

You couldn't say the same for anyone else though, the others had been on edge all week.

Pranking Mikey was a challenge, he knew how you worked and vice versa

You'd been brainstorming with April for weeks now, maybe a new perspective would help

That's what the two of you told yourselves anyways

Much to your dismay, Mikey and Casey had been plotting against you as well, the traitor.

And perhaps even more unfortunate was the fact that both of your pranks somehow overlapped and backfired on the rest of the family

Because Mikey and Casey may have replaced the family tea set with a edible sugar replica that looked identical to the original

So that when you were asked to make tea for Splinter and Leo it would dissolve the second you poured the hot tea

But they didn't tell anyone else so Leo was left with an impromptu anxiety attack when he made his own tea before sitting down to meditate and it melted into sugary leaf water

And you and April had planned the 'cutting off your finger in the kitchen' with the knife, fake finger, and fake blood

Which in theory should've worked because Mikey was in the kitchen the most, that was his territory

However once you'd started your plan you couldn't stop it

so when you 'cut your finger off' and screamed for Mikey you didn't have time to yell "wait it's a prank!" before Donnie caught a glimpse of the scene and fainted

In your defence you didn't know the purple turtle could move that fast

And to Mikey's relief he was going to throw that cutting board out anyways

Splinter explicitly banned the two of you from pranking each other after that incident

Donatello

Per your own common sense you had come to the conclusion that pranking the families resident genius was a horribly stupid idea

So for once, you'd practiced some self control and refrained from any pranks involving Donnie

Now that's not to say that the turtle vowed from aiming any pranks towards you

He had morals but messing with you walked the line separating adorable from batshit crazy

And he was all for it

April advised against it severely and even Splinter seemed to think it wasn't the best idea, but that was a lesson his son had to learn on his own

On the flip side, the second Casey heard about Donnie's plan he was all for it

So when you came over for dinner they both had to hide their excited smiles as Casey passed you your spaghetti

He knew it was your favorite

Everyone else was oblivious, which looking back on it was a very bad thing

April had her suspicions that Donnie was pulling something this evening, but she couldn't put her finger on it

That wasn't until you swirled a mouthful of noodles around your fork and shoved it into your mouth, you were starving

Here lies your predicament-

You swallowed thickly and blinked like you were in pain, your hand went to your throat and you reached for your water, ending up chugging almost the entire bottle.

Your eyes met Donnie's in a serious type of concern

"Is there hot sauce in this?"

April choked on her breadstick and quickly covered her mouth

Casey hadn't picked up on it yet

"Awh yeah- how'd you figure it out so quickly?"

You erupted in a coughing fit that sent April rushing to your side before you could tumble to the floor

"You fucking assholes! Y/N has a capsaicin allergy! Casey go start the car we need to get them to the hospital!"

On the bright side you were fine after you were rushed to the ER

But you didn't speak to Donnie or Casey for two weeks following the accident

You eventually forgave them for it and they haven't targeted you since

Sorry if it got a little dark at the end, but I felt like it was more realistic. Also that has actually happened to me but it was a nut allergy (and that's how I found out I was allergic to cashews) But I feel like the ending was a good example of how pranking someone can go horribly wrong, you should always consider the possibilities before doing something that could cause harm to a person. (Unless they really really deserve it)

I really enjoyed writing this one and I hope you guys like it as much as I do! 😁🧡👍

-Mars 🌠

[lost-inyourwords]

New Town (Carol Danvers x Reader)

Request: Can I please request a Carol Danvers/Reader where she’s still a pilot and meets reader in Pancho’s, and they start flirting and stuff? Hope you can write, love your style. (@dearcaptain99)

A/N: this was super fun to write! if anyone wants to request anything else (carol or not!) my requests are open!!

Warnings: alcohol consumption, terrible puns, fluff

Looking at your reflection in the mirror, you had never regretted a decision more. Ever since moving across states, you quickly learned that making friends meant an awful lot of drinking and an ever-increasing amount of hangovers to make up for it. The last two months had consisted of you being excitedly dragged through dozens of clubs and loud venues by equally shiny and volatile people; often ending up with a pounding headache before the binge drinking even began. Tonight, unfortunately, was no different. Your phone was erupting with notifications from several group chats as you put your sneakers on (the extravagant clubbing outfits had been retired after weekend 3) and checked yourself over in another mirror. Okay, four drink limit and agree to dancing; might get Steph and her Jello shots away from you for long enough to run and hide. Taking a deep breath, you left your apartment and prepared yourself for yet another boring night of receiving the “Haven’t seen you around here before,” pick-up line from thousands of small-town fuckboys.

Pancho’s was a lot more charming than you figured it would be. It was a bar with class; a traditional feeling that all the glossy new clubs had failed to present. Perhaps this night wouldn’t go as badly as the others. Planting yourself at the bar as you waited for some of your friends to arrive, your eyes scoured the place surrounding you. The wooden interior was sleek and old-fashioned at the same time; you wondered if it had recently been refurbished. The arcade machines in the corner caught your attention with their flashing invitations to play. Hopping from the bar stool, you sauntered over to the Flight 2000 machine and dug a quarter out of your pocket. The game started up and finished almost instantly as the realisation hit you that you didn’t actually know how to play. You remembered games like these from your childhood, hundreds of hours spent trying to beat your high scores in your dad’s bar back home. You missed those simpler times. Before you knew it, a tear had started to roll down your cheek as you reminisced about the life you had in the past.

Your musings were interrupted by a light tap on your shoulder. You spun round and your hand instinctively shot up to wipe the tear away. You were greeted by a blonde woman, smirking at you with bright eyes.

“Did you lose that bad? Man, I wonder what that’s like,” she remarked sweetly, clearly referencing the teardrop that was now gone from your face. You couldn’t help but giggle in response, both surprised and intrigued by her forwardness. She moved to put another quarter in the machine and looked back to you, that same smirk back on her lips.

“I’m Carol by the way,” she stuck out a hand. You took it and gave a weak shake, marvelling at the warm friendliness emanating from this (not so) mystery woman.

“Y/N,” you responded, trying to match her confidence level in your tone.

“That’s a nice name. You wanna learn how to play?” She asked. You automatically nodded, completely entranced by her. You felt yourself relax as she started explaining the rules of the arcade to you. Maybe this night would turn out even better than you hoped.

Carol let out a loud groan as the machine in front of you lit up green and announced that the previously set high score (achieved by the blonde, of course) had been beaten. She beamed at you as you celebrated your return to arcade game glory and offered to buy her a drink as a thank you for re-teaching you. She agreed and led you through the now packed Pancho’s to the bar. Ordering two beers, you swivelled back to Carol, determined to learn more about the cocky and, quite frankly adorable, pilot. She told you about her work at the nearby Air Force base and you admired her ability to overcome the struggles of being a woman in the military, lending Carol even more of your adoration. You could swear you saw her cheeks darken at a few of the compliments that flowed from you so effortlessly.

“So, what brings you to this lonely little town?” she enquired while sipping her beer coolly.

“I’m a chemist. Got sent over here to work on some development project on a nearby farm. It’s really not super exciting, unfortunately,” you replied, embarrassment growing on your face. You hated talking about your job; especially with someone who had a much more interesting occupation; like Carol. She simply offered you a smile and you instantly felt yourself relax again.

“I think that’s awesome. You’re definitely a lot smarter than some of this lot,” she quipped with another signature smirk as she gestured around the room. You felt a blush crawling up your cheeks and went to take another sip of your beer.

“Didn’t think scientists could be so pretty though,” she remarked, locking eyes with you. Wow, she really liked being forward. You almost choked on the beer and cleared your throat as you set the bottle down. Carol giggled at your flustered state and finished her bottle.

“Guess it’s been a while since you got flirted with? Hope it’s not been as long as since your last time playing Flight 2000,” she teased. All you could do was blush in response.

“No it’s- it’s not that, I just- you’re really pretty and funny and bold and-” you stammered.

“Wow, it’s really been a while,” she exclaimed, sculpted face adorned with a shit-eating grin.

“Shut up! I’m good at calculations, not flirting!”

“Well how about you solve this for me, then?” she asked, grabbing a napkin. She pulled a pen from her bag and scribbled on it. Sliding it to you, your eyes travelled to the neat handwriting on the tissue. It simply read: U + I = ?

“Well, since you’re a chemist, I actually need help with this chemistry equation,” she said, pride laced in her tone.

“Wow, it may have been a while for me but the cheesiness of this one is a first,” you snarked at her. She rolled her eyes and set a $20 bill on the bar, grabbing your hand and leading you out of Pancho’s. You silently thanked the arcade machine as you passed it to continue your night with Carol.

[thankchaosforspellcheck]

So I’m gonna rant for a bit on a GG/KHR crossover idea I had a while back because why not (the very start of said idea is actually already on ao3):

So after Barry drops Agatha off with Adam and Lilith and finds the other, he ends up getting blown into another dimension because he had to set a charge to take out the space station or whatever that Lu’s currently on, which caused a chain reaction that threw Lu through time (which explains the time travel) and Barry through space.

He ends up landing in Japan, and gets rescued by a women who lives near where he crashed named Hanako.  He takes weeks to recover, and in that time he runs all sorts of tests, which only tell him that it will take years, maybe even decades to create anything close to the machine that could get him back home.

So, he forges an id, gets a job, and patents a lot of inventions. (all of which were very minor sparkworks that he can easily translate into something normal people can actually build)  He also gets to know his now-housemate, the same women who picked him up.  She’s actually been very practical about this strange scientist that fell out of the sky.  Namimori’s a pretty strange place, after all, and her old roommate just got married so she was looking for someone to split the rent with anyways.

As the years go by, the two get closer and closer, and getting home seems farther and farther off.  One day, he’s working on something at the kitchen table, and he looks up and sees her just standing there, doing the dishes, and he freezes.  And realizes that he doesn’t think he could ever find anyone better then her.

So, he asks her out.

They get married a few months later.

Shortly after, they have their first child, Nana Heterodyne.  Barry’s very worried about when she will spark out, and goes a bit overboard in preparation, but the thing is... She never does.

Nana is sweet, intelligent, a bit air headed, and is 100% pure minion.  Barry has literally no idea how this happened, but he’s mostly just glad he isn’t essentially introducing an invasive species into an unsuspecting environment.

(He still preps her on how to handle sparks though, just in case.)

SO years and years later he’s finally finished up the transporter and is almost ready... and nana just had a baby who’s definitely a spark.  You can tell just from looking at the kid.  He really does have to leave so that he can make sure the other didn’t have any backups and root them out if she did, but he quickly writes up several in-depth manuals and makes up some good sparky distractions for when he gets older.  He kind of just hopes this will be enough for Nana’s new baby to survive his breakthrough, because it’ll be pretty rough with only one proper minion around, and said minion being his mother.

(unfortunately, the machine isn’t calibrated quite correctly, so he ended up much earlier in time then he meant to be, but that’s another story entirely)

Fortunately (or unfortunately, in Tsuna’s case) he ends up not needing any of it, because just before Tsuna starts his proper breakthrough, it all gets sealed away by one visiting mafia grandpa, who is operating under the assumption that he’s just getting his flames early.  So tsuna has to deal with going through life almost like Agatha did, except without the understanding parents or the occasional sympathetic ear.  The seal works a bit differently then Agatha’s locket, so Tsuna feels like he’s constantly trying to swim through cold jello with his brain, instead of getting headaches when too excited or angry.  He wants to understand, and he knows he could if he could just-!

and then the thought slips away, and he’s forced to start at the beginning of the same page again for the 75th time in a row.  It’s no wonder that, combined with the utter lack of encouragement from everyone around him, he just decides to give up on it entirely.  

He’ll have the odd thought now and again “that light is so inefficient” or “I wonder if anyone’s tried splicing the genes of axolotl with lizards to create a superior regenerative species...” but has never really been able to do anything with them...

...until reborn came.

Reborn’s very first meeting with Tsuna goes more or less the same, right up until he shoots him with a dethparation bullet, which was meant to make Tsuna go confess to Kyoko.  See, a person’s thought process and what they’re actually saying can often be vastly different, so while Tsuna was yelling at reborn “WHAT, I don’t have a crush on Kyoko-chan! Don’t be rediculous!” his actual thought process had already gone ‘Kyoko -> class -> that one annoying clock that runs about an hour late -> ARG I WISH I COULD FIX THAT STUPID THING’

so as a result:

Tsuna, bursting out of his clothes: “RAAA! FIX THE CLASSROOM CLOCK WITH MY DYING WILL!”

Reborn: “what.”

There’s something to be said about determined heterodyne sparks that just completely skipped breakthrough: they get the job done.  That clock was running perfectly on time to the millisecond once he was done with it.  It was also such a deathtrap that they couldn’t use that classroom anymore for the rest of the year but, hey! You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette and all that.

running out of steam a bit so I’m gonna revert to bullet points for the rest of this:

Gokudera has some minion blood in there somewhere and is determined to be the best chief minion ever when he learns about sparks and how they work.

Yamammoto does not have minion blood in him but he doesn’t really need any, honestly.  He doesn’t really get all the technical mumbo-jumbo that Gokudera & Tsuna talk about but he’s excellent at heavy lifting and at least pretending to be a sane ear for Tsuna when he needs a break from all the crazy.

Tsuna is actually more or less like he is in canon, if more distractible and a bit less... morally strong.

*Tsuna, complaining about Mukuro’s family*: -I mean, why would they even think that would work!  If you’re going to do horrific experiments on someone that will kill them permanently if it doesn’t work and will give them incredible power if it does, you make sure that person is already completely devoted to the cause, instead of just being forced into it.  Brainwashing is not that hard, for crying out loud!

Takashi, blinking and raising his voice slightly in concern: Uh Tsuna-

Tsuna, not missing a beat: and brainwashing is just as horrific of course, I’d never condone to it, but it’s still not hard.

Other experiments & inventions include trying to get lambo to collect enough electricity to charge his phone (his mom talked him out of that one, thankfully), making Takashi’s sword have a lightsaber option, and on one notable occasion making a retaliatory boobytrap around his bed that not even Reborn could get through.

This all happens in fits and spurts though.  Some days he can get through all of his homework in seconds with little to no wrong answers, other times it takes him hours to even solve one, and even then it has only a 20% of being right.

reborn has been adjusting the curriculum accordingly.

Also, the first thing that he did after saving Gokudera (because that, at least, stayed more or less the same) was, while still a little high on flames, make him proper armor so that he wouldn’t blow himself up (Gokudera was so honored he almost cried)

oh and eventually Tsuna finds his grandfather’s transporter, realizes it wasn’t calibrated correctly, and goes back to save him. (but he also ends up in the wrong spot and meets Agatha & crew instead. but that’s another story)

[the-master-cylinder]

Empire Pictures/Tycin Films (1986-1987) “At the time everyone was talking high concept so I said let’s do RAPISTS FROM OUTERSPACE.” Charles Band bought the film released as Breeders as well as Mutant Hunt, which Kincaid shot back-to-back. Director Tim Kincaid was rewarded with a long term, ten picture deal with Empire in which some of the films will be made under his Tycin Films banner and others under Millennium Pictures. The latter will include some bigger budget items. Make them for under $1 million each on 10-day shooting schedules, back to back. Kincaid explained that most of the Tycin features will be produced for direct-to video sales probably through Empire’s own Wizard Video. The remaining films will see a theatrical release.

Although filmed after Mutant Hunt, Breeders (1986) was the first to land on video store shelves aided by a stylish pulp-influenced poster. Though no censors could get at his script Kincaid did have a domestic overseer. “My wife is very much into making sure that women aren’t being ripped-off in these films,” he said. “We had a lot of nudity but we weren’t brutalizing women on screen. Everything is implied. Variety speculated that BREEDERS went out on video because of problems with the rating board, but we had always planned to make it an R-rated film. Nothing has been cut for the video release.”

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The climactic scenes of BREEDERS take place in the monster’s underground lair, where it has created a nest for its victims. Kincaid filmed in a series of catacombs under the Brooklyn Bridge, used by workers who built the structure. There are vast rooms with brick and stone archways, the largest of which is a prayer room used by the men before they went into the depths to work. Kincaid learned of the location from BREEDER’s makeup effects man Ed French.

The monster’s victims were to be seen immersed in a pit of translucent slime actually gelatin. But with the actresses disrobed and immersed, the jello failed to gel. Kincaid was wary of adding the chemicals necessary for fear of harming the girls.

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“The art director jumped in a van and headed for the nearest supermarket,” said Kincaid. “He brought back ten pounds of flour and we poured it into the pit. It worked, but unfortunately it turned it white and gave the scene these sexual undertones that we never meant for it to have. The girls ended up working in the stuff for four or five hours-until 4 a.m.”

Necropolis (1986) Reincarnated “Satanic Witch” from New Amsterdam, circa 1600’s comes back to revive her cult members by sucking the life force out of people.

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Robot Holocaust (1986) Just outside New Terra (whats left of New York City), Neo, a drifter from the atomic-blasted wastelands, and his klutzy robot sidekick arrive at a factory where slaves labor to fuel the Dark One’s Power Station. He meets Deeja, a woman (Nadine Hart) who convinces him to help rescue her father. The father is a scientist (Michael Dowend) who has invented a device that can break the Dark One’s control over the factory slaves. Gathering a motley crew of allies on the way, Neo goes to the Power Station to confront the Dark One’s evil servants.

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Mutant Hunt (1987), which Kincaid calls an adventure film with a science fiction background” finds Manhattan in a state of terror as Z, a mad industrialist, alters a squad of cyborgs with a drug known as Euphoron, turning them into crazed killers. The cyborg’s original creator is imprisoned by Z, but his sister escapes and seeks the help of Matt Riker, a private operative.

Kincaid directed MUTANT HUNT in 15 days, stretching the budget to give it more value and making up the difference by cutting corners on BREEDERS, putting that film in the can in only eight days. Empire is easily the most prolific distributor of genre films and their tactic of using both theatrical and video markets to release their product should enable them to keep a constant supply of films flowing to the fans. This is fine with Tim Kincaid, who seems to get a genuine joy out of making films, even on restricted budgets.

The location is a large industrial type complex, eight stories high and several blocks long. The Army abandoned the terminal more than a decade ago. Today, it is the home of a noisy spice factory, hundreds of dilapidated city buses, and a small, but eager film crew. “There’s nothing like a set that doesn’t move,” says Rick Gianasi. The beefcake actor plays the film’s macho hero, Matt Riker. “This place is fabulous,” he observes.

The same location, with its scores of broken windows and rusty train tracks, conjures up a nice post apocalypse scenario on this windy and cloudy morning. Despite the atmosphere, Kincaid explains that his movie is not set in the next century. “Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt is not Road Warrior or Star Wars,” he notes, but it is in the future, only about six years from now.”

Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt certainly has its share of Fango moments, so don’t get the idea that this flick is simply another science-fiction yarn. The movie’s mutants are actually diseased cyborgs, exploited by an evil genius called Z, who eventually run amuck throughout the Big Apple. Kincaid, while looking around the set and mapping out the morning’s schedule, adds that his film will not take itself too seriously, either.

“It’s sort of-I don’t want to say tongue-in-cheek because that term’s overused-a contemporary adventure,” he explains. “There’s not much hardware, just some lasers and effects. It isn’t knockdown, fall about-funny, but Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt has a sense of humor. The heroes are a happy-go-lucky trio of mercenaries, adventurers for hire who share a kidding camaraderie with each other. It’s a comic strip.”

The first shot of the day, which Kincaid is now planning, will take place on a concrete walkway inside a spectacular atrium that bisects the terminal. Grey buttresses jut out from both sides of the enormous hangar-like structure. Sunshine streams in from a huge skylight above, reducing the need for artificial lighting. To the left of the walkway, New York-based special effects man Matt Vogel peers over the charred remnants of Z’s dummy corpse, the victim of a Vogel pyrotechnic effect from the previous night’s lensing.

Vogel, who honed his incendiary skills on the pyromaniac horror flick Don’t Go in the House, is also contributing cyborg sparks, various fireballs and assorted gunshots. And included in his makeshift FX lab–actually his very own spot on the floor are boxes of ornaments, Christmas balls. Christmas balls?

“We have this chemical called titanium tetrochloride, ” Vogel elaborates. “When you open it up, slivers of smoke come out. It was once used for skywriting. The smoke is nice, but you can’t contain it. If I put it in a Christmas ball and seal it up, I have a titanium tetrochloride bomb. With a small explosive charge, the ball breaks and tendrils of smoke emerge. The hardest part of my job is finding Christmas balls in September!”

A few feet from Vogel’s effects “shop�� is makeup man Ed French’s cluttered work area where he and his assistants John Bisson and James Chai leisurely paint some cyborg appendages. Later, French will supply an immobile six-foot cyborg “stretcho” arm, plus the diseased facial features for a cyborg duo. French took on a multiple challenge on these dual productions. Not only is he providing the special makeup effects, but Kincaid is letting him direct most of the FX sequences as well. “In terms of directing the special effects,” French reveals, “much of it is up to me. I don’t have any designs on becoming a director, but it is something I’ll have a lot to do with on these films. My storyboards are followed very closely by the editor. They’re very practical in terms of our shooting time. We can’t compete with An American Werewolf in London, but if it’s planned intelligently, we can have a lot of fun.”

French is particularly excited about a mechanical cyborg puppet that both he and Tom Lauten built for Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt. Its enticing features include a blown-away face with missing jaw, but French resists displaying this trophy, explaining that it is so fragile that he prefers to bring it out only when the cameras are rolling. Instead, visitors to the set get to see his chicken-wire-and-foam dummy, an unfortunate body that many crew members delight in kicking.

“This is our generic, all-purpose cyborg-dummy,”French announces, pointing to the abused double. “We took him apart yesterday, and pulled his arm off and had sparking as it came out of the joint. We divide him in half for an operating table scene. He also does some falling. This is body part city. We have an action scene where a cyborg knocks another’s head off, a combination dummy-puppet. We even have industrial strength cyborg blood squirting all over. It looks like anti-freeze.”

Nearby, two of the actor-cyborgs sit patiently while their bizarre crew cut hairstyles are neatly trimmed by the set’s conventional makeup artist Laurie Aiello. With their threatening height and muscular builds, these guys seem perfect for the cloneesque cyborgs, but their haircuts make them look like demented sailor boys. “We knew what we were getting into when we were offered the roles,” jokes Beta Cyborg Mark Legan, one of this production’s chiefly unknown cast. Alpha Cyborg Warren Ulaner doesn’t mind his appearance. “I was in the East Village the other night and my haircut was, more or less, conservative.” Adds French, “The makeups and designs are very stylized and give them a punk-heavy metal look.”

“I was looking forward to playing this kind of role,” says Legan, “because these guys are as villainous as you can get. Warren does a number of nasty things to people and gets a lamp stuck in his eye. Yesterday, I got to tear somebody’s arm off. That’s more fun than saving the girl. For me, the film’s highlight will be when I attack a couple in an alley, tear the girl’s head off and roll it down the street.”

For a production that is supposed to wrap in only 10 days, things are going very slowly on this Wednesday morning. Most of the crew point to the reason: they’re recovering from late night shooting of some extra action stuff to impress Charles Band. Band flew in earlier this morning to get an advance peek at the dailies and, according to French, liked what he saw. Today’s first shot involves a short dialogue scene with the intense Z (Bill Peterson) holding a fellow scientist (Marc Umile) at laser point. Kincaid is an atypical, laidback director who stresses the “please” when he calls, “Quiet, please” as things finally get moving.

“Maybe the pace will pick up suddenly, and it will be rat-a-tat-tat, scene after scene,” predicts the hopeful Ron (New York Ninja) Reynaldi. He plays Johnny Felix, a martial arts master and electronics expert to Riker. He also doubles as Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt’s comic relief and stunt coordinator.

Following the short dialogue scenes, Kincaid readies the next few shots in which the heroine (Mary Fahey, sister of Jeff Fahey), is chased down a dark tunnel. The crew pauses for the sun to hide behind some clouds (day for night). Despite the brief delay, the director remains confident that Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt will come in on schedule.

“I plan my films like any other feature,” he notes during a lunch break. “It’s like a jigsaw puzzle. What you have to realize is that a Magnum P.I. even though it’s 52 minutes long and they have a bigger crew and bigger budget-goes out in seven days. Everything is carefully planned out in advance and really set up so that we know where we are going. We know how long it’s going to take to shoot each thing and how much time to allow for it. That’s why we’re shooting so radically out of sequence.”

After Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt wrapped principal photography a week later-inserts will be shot soon and Band’s California-based technicians are doing the post-production opticals. Kincaid and company immediately began Breeders, a tale of lustful aliens invading Fun City with sex, sex, sex on their otherworldly minds. Some new crew members have joined this film, along with another batch of unknown performers, including makeup man Ed French. Breeders is shooting in the same underground tunnels.

“I think Breeders is going faster, but I don’t know why,” observes French, while preparing a shot with a grotesque half-alien/half-human baby. “Maybe it’s the script. Breeders is more elementary and straightforward. The style, which is very ’50s sci-fi monsters on the loose, almost dictates what you should do. On Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt, the script kept getting rewritten and getting bigger and more complicated. It’s an action movie with a lot of special effects. We knew Matt Riker would go over schedule a bit since it’s so ambitious.”

French steps aside to talk with his assistant, James Chai, who is lying on the dusty concrete floor for his part in bringing the monstrous puppet to life. The baby alien is appropriately disgusting, with an immense, gaping mouth running vertically down its face. A big, bulging bug eye blinks blindly. French applies some gooey methyl cellulose to its row of razor sharp teeth. Meanwhile, gun toting actor Lance Lewman and stake-wielding Teresa Farley wait for French to call action so that they can battle the crippled beastie. As on Matt Riker, Kincaid lets French direct his own special FX sequences.

Acting is another experience French is enjoying on Breeders. The occasional actor plays a doctor possessed by the aliens. Eventually, he even turns into one. “It’s really kind of exciting,” French laughs. “There was an eerie moment yesterday. I’m supposed to be hiding this little creature and then let him loose on these people. I was in the shot, so I just couldn’t step out of the scene and check out the creature. I had to stay in character and let my assistant take care of it.”

In a connecting tunnel next door, a couple of production assistants place the finishing touches on the aliens’ “nest,” a squat six-foot-square box made of foam, goo, plastic and some broken glass. The “Gigeresque” nest is where the captive women are taken. Attractive actress Francis Raines, last featured as the first victim of The Mutilator, does not mind wallowing naked in the nest for her upcoming scene as alien breeding stock.

“This stuff is like food preservative,” explains Raines referring to the buckets of methyl cellulose ooze. “It’s not like they hired 40 Ukrainian elephants to spit in there. I go through the pit and transform to become another Breeder. I can’t wait! At least, I keep away from the dirt.

“My biggest scene is where it does its transformation and chases me around this photography studio while I’m modeling swimsuits. He gets me, attacks me, and uses me. The biggest effect occurs when this stomach cord shoots out and grabs me. Its tentacles drag me away.’

French insists that Breeders is not as lewd as it sounds, while Kincaid obviously believes that sex and violence sell flicks. “I’ve always liked the lurid exploitation movies of the ’50s when I was growing up,” Kincaid remarks. “I think the time is right for them to come back, since we’re coming to the end of the wholesome-family-type science fiction that appeals to a wide range audience. Now, we have a big video market for these low-budget pictures. There hasn’t been an audience for these movies in the last 10 to 15 years… until now.”

In addition to “tactfully” filming the alien rapes, Kincaid and French wanted an abstract look for the invaders. French based his designs on a book of insect microphotography. Most of the black-painted Breeders suit lies in sections around his ad-libbed workshop. A separate Breeders insert head is used for close-ups, and includes waving antennae. An alien hand snaps out a line like a frog’s tongue as well.

“The most challenging bit about the whole thing, and what I’m learning the most about, is integrating the monster suits into the film so that it doesn’t look like a monster suit,” explains French during a 4 p.m. lunch break. “I hate monster suits. Everytime you see this thing, we show a little more of it, like in The Elephant Man. First, you see its hand, then its shadow, a partial transformation, etc. It’s all judiciously shot and generally nightmarish. You’re not going to see a guy running around in a rubber suit.”

Monster suits or not, everyone at Entertainment Concepts is banking that Breeders and Matt Riker: Mutant Hunt serve as the first of a succession of independent New York productions all to be released by Empire… if all goes right.

“Empire has approached us about working with them as an East Coast off-shoot of their production suppliers,” Tim Kincaid reveals. “Their films are shot all over the world, Spain, Rome, California, but they don’t have a group of people to supply them from the East Coast. They like the feel and scenic look of what they’ve seen. We’re hoping it’s the beginning of a series.”

Waldo Warren Private Dick Without Brain (1988) (The Occultist, MAXIMUM THRUST) A cyborg private eye is hired to protect a Caribbean president visiting New York City. Unknown to him, the president’s daughter is in league with his country’s rebels who are trying to assassinate him.

The History of Empire Films Part Four Empire Pictures/Tycin Films (1986-1987) “At the time everyone was talking high concept so I said let's do RAPISTS FROM OUTERSPACE." Charles Band bought the film released as Breeders as well as Mutant Hunt, which Kincaid shot back-to-back.

[365daysofj2]

Reunited (Library AU, 27/?)

Jared spends the rest of the morning texting with his supervisor and emailing back and forth with HR about paperwork for FMLA leave for himself and Jensen. Luckily, both Samantha and Loretta from HR are amenable to Jared taking several weeks off to care for Jensen. Once Jensen gets released from medical leave, he can take administrative leave with pay until Kline gets back up and running.

In the meantime, Kline’s PSAs have the option to take any open positions they’re qualified for, and they’ll be given first preference for substitute shifts that come available. Unfortunately for the part-timers, they’re not eligible for administrative leave, so most of them will probably have to leave Kline. HR wasn’t terribly forthcoming on whether they’d be allowed to go back to Kline once it reopens. Mark, Jensen, and the full-time PSA, Lauren, will get administrative leave since there are no open positions for them to take.

Jared’s on the phone with Loretta when his lunch arrives. He puts the phone on speaker and looks at the time. Holy shit, he didn’t realize it was almost one o’clock. He’ll get to see Jensen in a little over an hour, which is good, because he has so much news. At least it’ll be something to take Jensen’s mind off his suffering. He hasn’t said much about how he’s feeling, but Jared still feels rundown and headachy and sore from the ordeal, so he figures Jensen must be feeling ten times worse, considering all he’s undergone in the past twenty-four hours.

The food is crap, which is pretty normal for hospital food, and Jared isn’t that hungry. His throat is still raw and sore from the smoke and nothing tastes quite right, so he eats half the turkey sandwich and the vanilla pudding and leaves the salad and apple slices on the tray. The cold milk feels good on his throat, though, and he wishes they’d given him two or three cartons instead of one.

It’s one-thirty by the time he finishes picking at his food, so he sends one last email and hooks his phone up to the charger. He needs a break. Trying to deal with his own workplace issues is hard enough, but dealing with both his and Jensen’s is exhausting.

He doesn’t realize he’s fallen asleep until Alona gently shakes his shoulder. “Rise and shine. It’s time to go see your boy.”

Jared blinks awake and yawns. “Yeah, thanks for waking me up.” He stretches his arms and crawls into the wheelchair. He’s glad he doesn’t have to make it down to the ICU under his own power.

Jensen seems to be asleep as well, but his eyes fly open when the door closes behind Jared and Alona, so he must have been awake. His eyes are still quite red and watery, so he must have just been resting them. He grins when he sees Jared, but it’s not as bright this time.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” asks Jared in a low voice.

Jensen shrugs and picks up his pen. Like shit, but I’ve been told that’s “normal.”

“I’m sorry.” Jared wishes he could take the hand Jensen’s not writing with, but it’s still covered with a thick pad of gauze. “What happened to your hand, anyway?”

There was a piece of glass embedded in my stomach from the window frame. I didn’t realize, and I cut my hand open on it.

Jared winces. “Jesus Christ.” He rubs Jensen’s arm above the bandage. “Hey, I’ve got news.” He tells Jensen everything he learned from Loretta in HR.

Jensen’s face gradually clouds over with frustration and anger. He scribbles furiously on the pad. So not only did I lose half my building, I’m also losing more than half my staff. So I get to keep Lauren, who I don’t even fucking want, but I have to lose Osric, Felicia, and Briana? Putain de merde, je déteste tout ce moment.

Jared doesn’t know what the last sentence means, but he gets the idea. “Just try not to worry about it for now. There’s nothing you can do from in here. Stressing about it isn’t going to help you get better.”

Jensen doesn’t respond for a long moment. Finally, he writes, You’re right. But it’s so boring in here, there’s nothing else to think about.

“Think about Max,” replies Jared. “And me. Relive our greatest hits. Plan our imaginary wedding and honeymoon. I mean, I know this whole thing sucks, but there’s so much other stuff in your life that’s good. Focus on that. The rest will take care of itself.” He smiles softly and traces a heart on Jensen’s arm. “I love you. I know I can’t always be with you in body, but I can in spirit.”

Jensen’s face softens. His eyes crinkle up just the tiniest bit. When did you get your psychiatry degree? ‘Cause that’s pretty good advice.

“Ed psych 115 and 215 in college,” answers Jared with a grin.

“Time’s up, Jared,” says Alona from behind him.

Jared grimaces. “I gotta go. I’ll be back down at six, though.” He kisses his fingers and presses them to Jensen’s pale cheek. “Love you.”

Love you too, Jay, Jensen writes in big letters, then draws a heart around it. See you later.

Jared smiles. “Count on it, babe.”

* * *

Jared spends his afternoon texting Osric and Briana and FaceTiming Felicia and Max at the house. He can’t wait to get home and into his own bed and shower. Felicia says Max has been subdued, but is still eating and walking, so Jared figures it’s just because he misses them so much. Jared can’t blame him. Under the circumstances, he and Jensen have been pretty subdued as well.

It’s about five o’clock when Jared hears a noise in the hallway that he assumes is the food cart, but when he looks up, he sees Jensen in a wheelchair, tethered to an IV bag and a nasal cannula only.

“Jensen! Hey!” Jared beams as a male orderly wheels Jensen to the bed opposite Jared. The orderly gets Jensen settled and hands him his notebook and pen.

I’m free! Jensen writes in huge letters and flashes the page at Jared.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” says Jared, and his huge smile still hasn’t left his face.

You and me both, Jensen writes back.

“Although, it’s not quite the same without your voice,” Jared admits, his smile faltering. “When do you get to talk again?”

Jensen frowns. I’m on complete vocal rest for two weeks, and the doc’ll decide then if it has to continue.

“Oh, man,” blurts Jared. “That sucks.”

Don’t I know it. Jensen runs out of room on the page and flips it over to a new one. I need a dry-erase board or something, I guess.

“Well, I’m getting out of here tomorrow, so I can pick one up at Kmart on the way home,” says Jared.

Jensen sighs, but it turns into a coughing fit that sounds horribly rough and painful.

“Are you okay?” Jared asks when Jensen finally quiets.

Jensen shakes his head and writes on the page. I hate when that happens.

“Does it happen a lot?”

Too much.

Jared bites his lip. “Is it getting better?”

Not fast enough. Jensen drags his unbandaged wrist across his forehead, and for the first time Jared notices the light sheen of sweat on his face from the exertion. Jared’s throat tightens. He had no idea Jensen was in such bad shape. But he’s out of the ICU, which should mean he’s a lot better, right?

Jensen slumps back against his pillow and Jared is stunned to see just how much the coughing fit took out of him. “Get some rest, babe,” Jared says softly. “I’ll be here. I’ll always be here.”

Jensen gives him a weak thumbs-up. Seconds later, he’s asleep.

He doesn’t wake up until the orderly with the food cart delivers their evening meals. Jared’s is Salisbury steak, macaroni and cheese, and a fruit cup, none of which look terribly edible, but Jensen’s is completely different: a can of chocolate Ensure, applesauce, red jello, and the same vanilla pudding Jared had at lunchtime. It dawns on Jared that if Jensen’s throat is too damaged to talk, it must also be too damaged to handle solid food.

But why? Jensen was out of the smoke for longer than Jared was, so why was he so much worse off?

Jared chokes down as much of his meal as he can stand, and then watches as Jensen struggles through his own. It must be horribly painful to swallow, because Jensen is nearly in tears by the time he finishes the can of Ensure. He takes only one or two tiny bites of everything else, and finally he picks up his notebook and turns it toward Jared. You want the rest of this crap?

“Sure,” answers Jared, figuring that the hospital can’t screw up canned stuff too badly. He carefully climbs off the bed and leans as far as his IV line will allow to grab Jensen’s tray. Jared finishes the small servings in no time.

“How are you holding up?” asks Jared once he’s set both trays aside.

Jensen shrugs. I’m alive. Guess that’s all I can ask for.

“Well, I’m certainly glad you are,” Jared tells him, smiling softly. “I just wish you were feeling better, that’s all.”

Yeah, me too. :(

Jensen pauses and starts writing again. <i>Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel normal again.</i>

“You will,” insists Jared. “It’ll take time—more time than you want, I’m sure—but it’ll happen.”

Jensen writes something, pauses, and then crosses it out. Unable to think of anything else, he sets the notebook aside, shrugs, and turns away.