#unfortunately i am the fanart guy and. i’ve been severely art blocked so.

[rivalmelty]

the order of the clocktower’s cerberus unit, save me. save me, the order of the clocktower’s cerberus unit.

[sorrowschengmei]

about the fandom and my love for kylo ren [vent post, not poetry][tw bullying]

sometimes i wonder what am i doing here at tumblr, really. they say to encourage every weirdo ‘someday you will be better than everyone who laughed at you’. we study while they hang out with their friends, we work while they sleep, and we never fucking live the life they want, they end up with the life they wanted and we end up being grateful for just being alive.

but there are things that are pure, really, that aren’t tied to capitalism, to survival, to socially fitting in, they are just beautiful and intense and poetic and brutal, and they do exist. he is one of them, the one i call my own truelove, and most people call ben solo or kylo ren.

today i watched tfa, and i could see why i fell in love with him... tlj kylo is a beautiful man, the most beautiful man, yes, but tfa kylo is more than a man. he looks like a dark angel, something that isn’t human and yet is too corrupted to be divine, he has a mystery that can’t be described with words and no one will ever decipher, he’s a poem on himself, more beauty than human.

i looked back into my early tfa days, how i interacted with the fandom, with kylo himself... i’d spend hours LOOKING FOR FANART, reblogging art, reading fic, reading headcanons, writing poetry and making my own doodles without any intention of publishing them. nowadays... nowadays i blacklisted all the artists of the reylo and kylux fandoms likewise, unfollowed all my art friends, get straight up suicidal if my stuff flops and i only publish stuff that is correctly rendered and at the peak traffic times, i got at least 5 anxiety attacks for looking at people with more followers/notes than i do, all of this why?? 

because i wanted people to like me, to like my art, to send me cute anons saying they love my stuff and asking me for requests. i wanted to know middle school was over, that people would appreciate me and my art in here as theoretically everyone loves kylo ren and i’m not a weirdo in here.

but i am a weirdo in here as well. i recently found out someone was gossiping about my love for kylo ren, saying very hurtful things about it, you have no idea of how much i cried when i found out, i think i spent 2 hours crying nonstop until i got exhausted. i look at kylo ren himself, not art, not fic, just the pictures of adam driver and i ask again: why??

why can’t things be simple like they were before? why can’t i just be myself without worrying about feedback? why did i become so bitter to the point i can’t fucking support my friends??? how did i become one of those millenials that value their self worth by the number of likes they get???? why can’t i just love kylo ren, draw him, see cute pics of him, without being crushed by years of trauma and the ‘socially inept’ stigma?? how did literally everything i hate in my life become attached to the thing i love the most?

being in the fandom hurts me, it hurts me so much. several times i said to myself ‘i curse the day i decided to watch tfa and met kylo ren’, and this is the saddest thing ever i could say, because kylo himself never brought me anything else but joy, support, lust, bliss, inspiration, contemplation, melancholy and the purest love i’ve ever felt.

i am afraid of people, and i have very real reasons for this. i’ve been lied, betrayed, deceived, attacked, pursued, tortured or just ignored by people on several fandoms. i can’t see art or fic or meta anymore, i just see the ego of the people who are doing it, how they only interact with the socially apt, repeat the same themes and styles, manipulate people into giving them stuff, gang up to harrass their enemies... people who draw kylo ren, who write about him.

you see, autistic minds work with patterns and organising logical conclusions around these patterns. in a fandom you have people you hate drawing someone you love, your friends supporting people you hate, people that never did anything but you hate them bc people you hate love them, people that hate you pretending they don’t, people that don’t hate you acting hateful just because???, and the most puzzling thing for me, that is people who hate kylo ren claiming they love him and want to see him having sex, a love life, a husband. it’s a complete mess. it’s a complete chaos. so you end up scared, running away from any kind of confrontation, blocking and blacklisting everyone, not speaking your mind because you don’t know if they are gonna agree with you and then attack you, disagree with you but agree later, attack you and then pretend they didn’t, pretend they disagree with you, ignore you...

i think i should leave the fandom, like i did in 2017. but this time i can’t, i already have a name, even a small name, i have ties with the community, everyone already knows my terrible personality and lack of self awareness, i have a place on this fandom and it is the place that always followed me: the weirdo, the outcast, ‘that guy’... 

when i entered here, all i wanted was to meet people that loved kylo ren too, as intensely as i did. i met some good, good friends, but i worry all the time they will leave me, and there are people that im not sure if they are my friends or they are just following the american social code of calling everyone ‘friend’. i wish things could be simpler, really... and unfortunately i have no place to go to enthuse about my love if i leave tumblr/the fandom =/ 

[if anyone thinks they have a thoughtful answer for my problem they are encouraged to send me a chat message]