#unfortunately i am the fanart guy and. i’ve been severely art blocked so.

[rivalmelty]

the order of the clocktower’s cerberus unit, save me. save me, the order of the clocktower’s cerberus unit.

[sorrowschengmei]

about the fandom and my love for kylo ren [vent post, not poetry][tw bullying]

sometimes i wonder what am i doing here at tumblr, really. they say to encourage every weirdo ‘someday you will be better than everyone who laughed at you’. we study while they hang out with their friends, we work while they sleep, and we never fucking live the life they want, they end up with the life they wanted and we end up being grateful for just being alive.

but there are things that are pure, really, that aren’t tied to capitalism, to survival, to socially fitting in, they are just beautiful and intense and poetic and brutal, and they do exist. he is one of them, the one i call my own truelove, and most people call ben solo or kylo ren.

today i watched tfa, and i could see why i fell in love with him... tlj kylo is a beautiful man, the most beautiful man, yes, but tfa kylo is more than a man. he looks like a dark angel, something that isn’t human and yet is too corrupted to be divine, he has a mystery that can’t be described with words and no one will ever decipher, he’s a poem on himself, more beauty than human.

i looked back into my early tfa days, how i interacted with the fandom, with kylo himself... i’d spend hours LOOKING FOR FANART, reblogging art, reading fic, reading headcanons, writing poetry and making my own doodles without any intention of publishing them. nowadays... nowadays i blacklisted all the artists of the reylo and kylux fandoms likewise, unfollowed all my art friends, get straight up suicidal if my stuff flops and i only publish stuff that is correctly rendered and at the peak traffic times, i got at least 5 anxiety attacks for looking at people with more followers/notes than i do, all of this why?? 

because i wanted people to like me, to like my art, to send me cute anons saying they love my stuff and asking me for requests. i wanted to know middle school was over, that people would appreciate me and my art in here as theoretically everyone loves kylo ren and i’m not a weirdo in here.

but i am a weirdo in here as well. i recently found out someone was gossiping about my love for kylo ren, saying very hurtful things about it, you have no idea of how much i cried when i found out, i think i spent 2 hours crying nonstop until i got exhausted. i look at kylo ren himself, not art, not fic, just the pictures of adam driver and i ask again: why??

why can’t things be simple like they were before? why can’t i just be myself without worrying about feedback? why did i become so bitter to the point i can’t fucking support my friends??? how did i become one of those millenials that value their self worth by the number of likes they get???? why can’t i just love kylo ren, draw him, see cute pics of him, without being crushed by years of trauma and the ‘socially inept’ stigma?? how did literally everything i hate in my life become attached to the thing i love the most?

being in the fandom hurts me, it hurts me so much. several times i said to myself ‘i curse the day i decided to watch tfa and met kylo ren’, and this is the saddest thing ever i could say, because kylo himself never brought me anything else but joy, support, lust, bliss, inspiration, contemplation, melancholy and the purest love i’ve ever felt.

i am afraid of people, and i have very real reasons for this. i’ve been lied, betrayed, deceived, attacked, pursued, tortured or just ignored by people on several fandoms. i can’t see art or fic or meta anymore, i just see the ego of the people who are doing it, how they only interact with the socially apt, repeat the same themes and styles, manipulate people into giving them stuff, gang up to harrass their enemies... people who draw kylo ren, who write about him.

you see, autistic minds work with patterns and organising logical conclusions around these patterns. in a fandom you have people you hate drawing someone you love, your friends supporting people you hate, people that never did anything but you hate them bc people you hate love them, people that hate you pretending they don’t, people that don’t hate you acting hateful just because???, and the most puzzling thing for me, that is people who hate kylo ren claiming they love him and want to see him having sex, a love life, a husband. it’s a complete mess. it’s a complete chaos. so you end up scared, running away from any kind of confrontation, blocking and blacklisting everyone, not speaking your mind because you don’t know if they are gonna agree with you and then attack you, disagree with you but agree later, attack you and then pretend they didn’t, pretend they disagree with you, ignore you...

i think i should leave the fandom, like i did in 2017. but this time i can’t, i already have a name, even a small name, i have ties with the community, everyone already knows my terrible personality and lack of self awareness, i have a place on this fandom and it is the place that always followed me: the weirdo, the outcast, ‘that guy’... 

when i entered here, all i wanted was to meet people that loved kylo ren too, as intensely as i did. i met some good, good friends, but i worry all the time they will leave me, and there are people that im not sure if they are my friends or they are just following the american social code of calling everyone ‘friend’. i wish things could be simpler, really... and unfortunately i have no place to go to enthuse about my love if i leave tumblr/the fandom =/ 

[if anyone thinks they have a thoughtful answer for my problem they are encouraged to send me a chat message]

[kingofthewilderwest]

do you still blog about httyd anymore or should I just give up on this blog now?? I really don't wanna give up on this blog though

Short answer: Helheim YES, you bet Odin’s black eyepatch I’m still blogging a ton of HTTYD! Looking forward to RTTE S6, any of ya’ll?????

Long answer: Thank you for asking and seeing what I intend, you sweet friend! It’s very thoughtful of you to check with me rather than assuming something about my intentions and accidentally unfollowing someone who’s still going to blog plenty of HTTYD. If it’s okay for me to say, sending you nothing but kindness… perhaps in the future consider avoiding words like “give up on this blog” - those words can come across unintentionally unkindly. I know you’re expressing your own emotional worries, and I understand that, though unfortunately this can come across as hurting since it seems to suggest others’ interests are a disappointment to give up on. But don’t worry, it didn’t hurt me one bit, I’m thankful you think my blog is worth holding onto… and thankfully, you have a happy answer awaiting you.

I ***absolutely*** do blog about HTTYD. HTTYD’s still the bulk of what I talk about and what I plan to keep talking about. I know that that’s what my follower base wants and I’m never going to ignore that, so this is a HTTYD blog to stay forever. I can’t escape ya’ll, nor do I want to. ;) If you take a peek, even just yesterday, I posted another HTTYD analysis about Hiccup and Astrid influencing one another in incidences like Blindsided! In the last few hours I have answered two asks about my opinion of HTTYD characters. Within the last week, I’ve also talked about topics such as Heather’s dragon lens and reblogged a number of fandom art, images, and links about DreamWorks Dragons. And tomorrow I have in queue another HTTYD-focused analysis. So I’m mostly definitely blogging about HTTYD still!

What’s awesome is you also have got a lot of power within you to help direct my blogging habits, too! ^.^ Lots of my blogging is based upon the questions people field me. Feel free to send me ask prompts about anything HTTYD if anything comes to mind! Interacting with other dragons fans is something that helps keep me stimulated, excited, and active, too! I’m not saying on you, of course, to keep me blogging, because that’s not true… but it’s definitely a fun and energizing way for us all to participate in fandom to our fullest together. It makes us all in the community more active. I can only say so much without bouncing off others who share my same love.

If you’re wondering why I’m a little quiet about HTTYD right now, it’s because I’m waiting for RTTE S6. Because of the long hiatuses between content, it means that sometimes I’m going to be a little quieter about this fandom than other times. There’s a nice, natural ebb and flow to fandom. Sometimes I’m quieter, but never hibernating; sometimes I’m blogging four analyses a day about HTTYD, sometimes blogging HTTYD analyses twice a week. I know some people newer to fandoms get worried when fandoms enter their quieter phases, but that doesn’t mean the fandom is falling apart… in truth it’s probably just a happy, healthy, hearty fandom as always. I’m definitely not drifting away from HTTYD. Even in the quiet times, I never fully stop blogging HTTYD, and frankly I’m much more consistent blogging HTTYD than many fandom blogs are during hiatuses. And since RTTE S6 is coming really, really soon, you’re frankly about to be inundated with HTTYD. Inundated.

For you can bet your boots that the second RTTE S6 hits Netflix, that’s all I’m going to be raving about, and I’m going to be raving about it hard.

Now, it’s true that I’m someone who does like multiple fandoms, and I’m not going to restrict myself from blogging about the other things I love. I mean, that’s the point of us having recreational fun on this website, right? To interact with that which we love and care about? There’s freedom in us expressing what we love, and so I shouldn’t be restricted, either! ^.^ That said, knowing some people don’t want to see everything I’m interested in, I’ve separated some of my non-httyd content out onto another blog. I have a side blog for video games, space, aliens, and the like. 

And within this own blog, if you watch the tags, I’m quite vigilant about tagging everything and anything. I’ve tried to make my tagging system a valuable resource for anyone who wants to control what content they wish to see from me. I know not everyone does blacklisting, but I’ve set my tagging up to make it easy to blacklist. If you don’t want to see non-httyd content from me, I’ve created a personal tag for all material that isn’t about DreamWorks Dragons! That tag is #non-dragons. If you blacklist #non-dragons, you won’t see a single post from me that isn’t about the How to Train Your Dragon franchise. I also have tags marking all my fandoms - be it #vld, #lotr, #mcu, or anything else I enjoy that isn’t DreamWorks Dragons. You’ve probably noticed I’ve got a bit of Voltron stuff I blog about. That’ll still happen - consider when Season 5 comes out at the start of March - but that doesn’t mean I’m abandoning HTTYD, or have quit blogging about HTTYD during the premieres of other shows I lot. I’m never not blogging about HTTYD. So if you are someone who does a tag blocker, feel free to block out Voltron, and you should be all set to go to see lots of RTTE stuff without anything else.

There will of course be some periods that makes my life busy and mean I’m blogging less than average original content. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped blogging or that I intend to slow down long-term. We can’t decide that a recent blogger’s trend means that they’ve forever abandoned you, because we often don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes influencing their blogging habits. Oftentimes, it’s the blogger dealing with temporary irl situations. Once the blogger deals with that temporary event, they’re going to be back on track. That’s definitely the way it is with me. I can’t control all my life circumstances and sometimes things come up. Like, well, now, for instance. In the last few weeks I’ve been fighting to get enough money to pay rent. Thankfully that trial is coming to an end and I’m ready to jump back and pound things out on tumblr again. But whenever I get into irl situations like those, I use a queue and reblog fanart from any fandom. It’s not as HTTYD-centric, but it quietly shares with people that I’m still kicking and haven’t left this blog behind. ^.^

And yes, there will be asks I receive that aren’t about How to Train Your Dragon (and I fully welcome those asks, by the way! Please send anything about anything I love!). But it’s definitely the case that the majority of the people I interact with are in the HTTYD fandom, the majority of my internet friends are in the HTTYD fandom, the majority of the content I search for on tumblr is HTTYD, and the majority of my analyses past and present and future are going to be HTTYD.

I’ve explained in posts months back that I do have to balance my time online writing analyses (which can take a very long time to write). Several years ago, circa 2015, I had more free time. Now I have to balance my blogging life with a financially strained position where I have to focus on making a living for myself and paying rent. I mean, I’m twenty-five, I’m an independent adult, I have to take care of myself, it eats hoards of free time. Adulting sucks. But because How to Train Your Dragon is so important to me, and interacting with the HTTYD fandom is so important to me, I’m always trying to make the effort to keep my blogging active. I’ve been slightly quiet in the last week because I’ve had a bit of irl circumstances hit me hard, but they’re alleviating again. Hence why I can guarantee there’s going to be another HTTYD analysis on the blog tomorrow, 9 AM MST, and more to come thereafter!

And really… guys… the HTTYD fandom means so much to me. I’m sad someone thought I’d stepped away from this fandom because I’m always wanting to be here as a forever friend to the HTTYD community. It’s my forever home. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep on saying it: you guys have made a difference in my life. I’m so thankful to be in a community like this. It’s very important to me and you all are reasons why this is such a great place to be.

I hope this helps thoroughly explain what you’ve been seeing in my recent blogging habits, friend. I hope it assures you that I’m still heartily blogging HTTYD (and that even more concentrated HTTYD is on the way). I mean, I posted an analysis yesterday on HTTYD. Pretty sure it’s still something I talk about! XD

Now, sending you best wishes, and have a wonderful day! Take care and stay awesome!