#unfortunately even though i thought i was getting better. i am sick again and fatigued :') damn it all to hell

[marvus-xoloto]

I was rereading the last chapter of "if you do it right" and i just realized mspar not only walked away into a almost strictly seadweller town(?) But they also took marvus shitty hawaiian shirt with them lol

like imagine seen some lil weird looking thing looking lost and sad as fuck but theyre wearing the MOST ridiculous clothes in existence, mspar just cannot catch a break (even when they just broke two hearts T-T) bless them

god lmao lil alien dude in the funkiest aquarium merch walking around with blood on their hands (the blood of their now broken up relationship). They meet ONE prophet (technically god) and now suddenly Marvus is not good enough for them smh 🙄 I actually didn't realize they stole his shirt lol. He's going to want that back 🤔

fun fact: in the original draft, Zebruh was there, lurking in the background towards the end of the date, and he drove you home. But I figure Marvus and MSPAR had suffered enough without him lmao. But technically MSPAR just had to walk through the mansion's sprawling grounds; a lyft was waiting outside for them (Marvus ordered it for them). Since Blafis and Olivia died (trying to induce the hiccups offscreen), there really were only the landscapers (olive blooded and below) or the valets (brown-burgundy) that MSPAR had to deal with. All the rest of the seadwellers were either inside doing cult shit or outside getting pale and jiggy with it.

[youryanderedaddy]

I like your posts, it's always cool. May i ask a yandere concept between an innocent, protected princess and a prince who obsessed with her from the first time they met, and force against her will. Thanks so much, love your writing :3

Thanks, anon, that means a lot <3 If you haven't noticed, I am oBseSSed with royalty stuff so I rlly enjoyed writing this. It's slightly different tho, but the idea is there.

Title: We all fall down

tw: female reader, non - consensual touching, obsessive behavior, coercion, implied forced marriage, war mention, abuse of power

It was cold when you woke up, terribly so. The room was spacious enough, there was bright sunlight coming from all four windows on each wall and you were sure that your sheets were warm and puffy even without looking down at them, yet it still felt freezing. You soon realized the place wasn’t simply cold, it was different too. It looked nothing like your own room back at the Southern Palace with its countless colourful pictures, books shattered all over the ground and a fireplace just across the queen – sized bed. Before you had a chance to sigh in annoyance, a quick glance to the other side reminded you of the bigger problem. Him.

“Good morning, princess.” The man greeted you cheerfully, his voice still deep and husky from the early hour. He was laying against the wooden doorframe, the sly smirk you had grown to hate over the years once again adorning his red lips. You stared at him for a moment, then rubbed your eyes to chase the fatigue away, fruitlessly so. You were too tired and sleep – deprived to play – pretend, which of course didn’t go unnoticed by the nobleman.

“You don’t look too well, princess.” He teased with a cheeky grin and walked towards the bed, stopping just before his legs hit the edge of the frame. You puffed softly, but remained quiet just so you wouldn’t have to answer him just yet. “And look at your state, darling…” The heir continued, clicking his tongue in a mocking “tsk, tsk,tsk”. “Your nightgown is a mess, I can see all of your beautiful curves.” The heir paused to lick his lips in a disgusting, suggestive way, and you had to repress the need to vomit all over the beautiful yellow sheets. “In our kingdom such appearance counts as an invitation, did you know that?” He added, smiling sharply, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, satisfied at the way his words made you embarrassed, flustered and jumpy so early in the morning.

“Your Highness, I would like to properly remind you that it was you who forced me to drink and dance all night.” You responded heatedly, all while fixing the straps of your silky dress to at least cover your cleavage. “You wouldn’t let go of my hand for a second. It’s your fault that I look like this.” You remarked, slightly offended by the man’s jokes, despite being used to his terrible humor after all those long years of shared parties and celebrations.

“If that is really so, my lady, please let me make it up to you.” The prince replied in the same smooth, carefree voice of his, the one he used before while talking to the maids and the peasant girls he wanted to bed. It made you sick to think of yourself as just another of his conquests, even though it couldn’t be further from the truth – you couldn’t stand the dark – haired male, his arrogance and absolute ignorance. “Join me for breakfast and I shall have our best cook serve your favorite meal.” The heir announced and winked at you before turning on his heels and finally leaving the room without hearing whether you agreed to his offer or not. You didn’t even have the chance to ask him how he knew what your favorite dish was or why he entered your room without permission, such a lack of manners was unsuited for a soon-to-be king. Perhaps you could use his inconsiderate behavior as an excuse to stay in bed until lunch but deep down you knew it was pointless. The egotistic little bastard knew you had no choice since you two had a lot to discuss.

---

The breakfast, if not anything else, was rich and delicious, each bite tasty and mouth – watering. The sweet aroma of cinnamon tea, vanilla and powdered sugar filled your senses with ease and a little bit of nostalgia for your childhood. The hardest part was yet to come, you wanted to deal with it fast and go home as soon as possible. As for Arthur, it was the first time you saw him serious with his brows arched and his thoughts all over the place. The uneasiness came back with full force.

“I think you know what we want, princess.” The male declared sternly after looking at the map for a while. His eyes were blue and clear, piercing in the way they were focused on you and you alone with no one else in the hall to act as a barrier between you and the monster. You understood why it had to be only you two, but these deals were always an open secret in both kingdoms, so there weren’t many reasons to keep the tradition going. “We want our territory back. We want you to surrender.” The heir hissed eerily under his breath, his pupils fixed on your frame, burning the skin underneath the thick layer of rough fabric.

You didn’t know how to respond to this – the dynasty’s requests had always been ridiculous and far – fetched, but never as impossible as this one. Yes, your land used to belong to the East centuries ago, but after several long, bloody, sacrificial wars where many of your men lost their lives, it was won fair and square. Now all your subjects lived there happily and freely, rightfully so.

“Your Majesty, please don’t dwell on the past. It will never come back.” You responded shortly after, laughing nervously at the end, hoping that would be enough for Arthur to drop the subject. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case.

“Is that so, dearest? You have two weeks then.” The prince said coldly, narrowing his eyes like a fox. You opened your mouth to speak but quickly got cut off. “Prepare your troops, train the soldiers, announce the incoming war to your people.” The man chuckled darkly and threw the map all the way across the room. “You better get ready for a thunderstorm.” He added just to mess with you some more, just to see your face turn white from the shock and the panic.

“You can’t do that!” You shouted out suddenly and stood up from your chair, feeling cornered and suffocated. You hated the prince’s constant teasing and flirty remarks but you would have never guess him to be a cold-blooded conqueror. “This is too cruel even for you!” You screamed, the tears already blooming down your cheeks, hot and wet. Arthur spared you one condescending look before moving closer and trapping your body against the table, towering over you both physically and metaphorically, as if saying “Let’s see who has the stronger mind.”

“I will get what I want no matter the cost and there is little you can do to stop me, princess.” The heir pronounced slowly, tilting your chin up so you had no choice but to meet his hard gaze, full of intense yet unreadable emotion. There was nothing left of the sly cheerful boy standing against your doorframe, teasing you about meaningless little things, and you almost missed him now. “But what you can do is stop the needless violence and bloodshed, Y/N.” You despised the way your eyes lit up at his words, but, as always, your duty was above your comfort and happiness. “What can I do?” You uttered quietly, a part of you too scared to hear the answer, the other anticipating it.

“Marry me.” The prince stated in a deep patronizing voice. His eyes were dark and sharp, just like before, and there wasn’t a trace of his usual gleeful smile. He grabbed your wrists in a painful grip and pulled them up, holding them against his broad shoulders. “We can unite the kingdoms and live our Happily Ever After. No one has to die.” The man whispered surprisingly softly, his chest heaving with each passing breath. “I can make you happy, dearest.”

You gasped in shock as soon as the proposal left his lips. Every fiber in your body was frozen still, your whole being shaken up by the unexpected offer.

“Why do you want to marry me?” You asked frantically, squirming to loosen up his grasp on your hands just to feel it tighten up even more. This was going to bruise for sure. “Isn’t it obvious?” The noble exhaled slowly, staring at you, trying desperately to find the compassion and affection he hoped you had grown to hold for him over the years. His heart broke once he realized there wasn’t any, but it didn’t matter. Feelings could change in a matter of minutes.

“I’ve loved you since day one, my princess.” His attention drifted to your open mouth, especially your soft full lips. Oh, how much he dreamt of taking you and relishing in the whines and moans you would surely let out once he decided to claim you as his own. “All I’ve ever wanted is you.” The heir confessed, his face moving closer and closer to your own, forcing you to arch your back more and more until it hit the table. Before you knew it, he was pinning you to the hard wooden surface, caging you in, kissing you violently, furiously. You couldn’t breathe.

You couldn’t say no.

[clatterbane]

I am honestly feeling pretty sick about now. Besides the rest of that impressive lineup? (Likely at least partly because the thing was called off the past two years running, thanks to the state of the world.)

I just saw that ST is indeed supposed to be playing this festival just across the bridge, the middle of next month. Between one thing and another, I have never managed to catch them live over all these years.

And I particularly feel like I owe it to everybody involved, after their work really helped me pull myself back up out of some extra-level terrible shit over like the past 5 years. Again. (May sound trite as hell, but it really is not an unusual story there.)

So, I am really not sure how I would swing it now. As basically two grown-ass adults in a trench coat by now, living in an area that gets shows like that rather than stuck hours away from good venues. Who could totally get myself there normally, with nobody to even try and stop me from going by myself if I needed to. And it looks like there are still tickets even though I am kinda late finding out.

That's plenty close enough that I wouldn't even need to find somewhere to crash on short notice, likely sharing a tent--or somebody's shitty floor here in Malmö. (Which is honestly a relief, not gonna lie. I am too bony for that shit these days.)

If necessary, I could take a freaking cab straight to the venue, which is apparently a skatepark--and damned well better be more accessible than the average shitty little club date like I have seen plenty of. (And would still attempt, even if it meant hauling my own sorry ass and chair separately up and down some steps. Sounds more fun than crutches in a place like that, and BTDT. 🙄) Unless Danish skateparks are really unusual that way, it's gotta be better than that. I feel on fairly sound footing with skateparks. 😁

Nope, what's even got me hesitant is this damned post-viral bullshit that will not give up.

I am nothing if not stubborn, not gonna lie about that either. But, that can only take a person so far. Unfortunately. Really running up against some limits here. AGAIN. After a much better couple of years, when I thought my life was finally back on a much better track. Then, BAM.

I am indeed pretty determined to figure something out, and drag my ancient creaky fatigued ass to Copenhell for that one day at least. It's just more discouraging than it needs to be, overall. I am really resenting that this is even an issue these days.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES - The Feeling's Back - Jo Maxi 1988

[Some amusingly weird lip sync TV appearance I hadn't run across before, as explained by Rob Heathcote (on bass there) in the YouTube comments. With Mike Muir in particular obviously taking the whole spectacle about as seriously as I would expect.]

I fought a thousand times, I never knew the meaning of the word fear

Till that one day when I stood alone, staring straight in the mirror...

I'm gonna breathe I'm gonna live - that's right - nothing's gonna stop me

I'm gonna shout I'm gonna scream - that's right - nothing's gonna stop me

I'm gonna run, I'm gonna fly - that's right - nothing's gonna stop me

I'm gonna fight I'm gonna win - that's right - nothing's gonna stop me

Nothing's gonna stop me, nothing's gonna stop me now - cause the feeling's back

And you gotta love the feeling...

I've got a long way left to climb but I'll still look you straight in the eye

And I can honestly say I'll never quit - not even on the day I die

(My own neuros may be diverging too much for the eyeball shit, not that he has ever seemed super comfortable with that on a literal level either for whatever reason. But still, seemed too appropriate to resist.)

[moonbaby26]

Title: Aftermath

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x Reader

Summary: Continuation of previous chapter. Set after the battle with Apocalypse, you and the others are finally picked up from Cairo by allied forces and transported to a nearby aircraft carrier for temporary shelter/debriefing while you try to arrange travel back into the U.S. The reader helps Peter work through the continued emotional fallout from realizations of all that his father Magneto has done.

Warnings: Some cursing. More emotional baggage being unloaded. But also fluff/comfort, and eventual brief makeout session to help with the stress relief.

Chapters: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Taglist: @drikawinchester , @n0obmaster69 , @alexloveskili , @what-a-silver-lining , @bluesprings18 , @weakmoony-stuff , @slytherinsi-mp , @wintwrsoldiwr , @tommy-braccoli , @amourtentiaa , @cringingmemeries , @bi-panicatthe-disco

Peter Maximoff x Reader Masterlist

——————————

Like Magneto had warned, it’d still been a long time before anyone had come to help. Trying to put back together some semblance of working communication equipment from the remnants of the jet, and whatever they could scavenge from the damaged homes and buildings all around had taken Hank and Moira long enough.

But even when Moira could finally establish renewed contact with the outside world to put out a distress call, finding a U.S. ally willing and even capable to fly into ground zero to pluck all of you out was another matter.

Unfortunately, you had eventually realized that the destruction here in Cairo hadn’t been all there was. Most population centers through the world had been impacted, many of the larger air and naval bases among them. It was hard to say how much had been Apocalypse, and how many had fallen solely because of Magneto though. From the little bit Moira did relay back to you all, the more metal any structure had had in it, the more likely it had ended up decimated.

It was only helicopters that finally came, no runway area available in all the rubble for any larger plane. When the soldiers exited them, you picked up that they were all speaking Greek.

“We’ll all be going to the island of Crete.” Xavier had confirmed, meeting with you all before boarding. “There is an allied naval base there, where U.S. officials will be awaiting to debrief us.”

It was no surprise that he could sense the unease in the majority of you, after all that had occurred the last time you’d been forced into helicopters with men dressed in military fatigues like this.

He had changed then to communicating telepathically with each of you individually, to give the soldiers no chance to overhear. Though the message was the same for everyone. “We will all be split onto only two helicopters. I will be in one, and Jean in the other. If they should even think of anything unsavory, we will, let’s say alter their plans to otherwise. But everyone stay at least paired please as precaution. Together, you are all your own best protection.”

It’d been no question that you would board with Peter. On one helicopter it would end up being the Professor, Moira, Peter, yourself, and the white haired girl you now knew as Ororo Munroe. On the other, Hank, Raven, Jean, Scott, and Kurt.

Ororo had actually been rather nice to talk to, once she was no longer trying to blast you out of the sky anyway. You’d learned she’d been living on the streets of Cairo for quite some time, just stealing to survive before she’d run into Apocalypse by chance when he was first trying to recruit powerful mutants.

When she’d spoken about having no living family, and thereby no desire to stick around in Egypt any longer, Kurt had been the one to excitedly tell her all about the school. Which the Professor had already vowed to rebuild thankfully, inviting Ororo immediately should she wish to join you all.

Gladly, she accepted, and by the time the soldiers were sliding the helicopter doors closed, the sun was finally setting. The interior lighting was already dim, as you glanced over to Peter in the growing darkness, seated together on bench like seats along the inner hull. He’d been waiting until the very last moment you thought to see if Erik would come back, but he never did. Though you couldn’t imagine Magneto ever would have agreed to travel like this. Or that the Greek airmen would have even allowed it, still knowing he was wanted worldwide.

You did believe Xavier though. When the dust finally settled, you thought Erik would be back. He’d find his own way home. And to contact Peter again, he’d only have to reach out to the Professor. Which of course Erik would no doubt, as those two old friends always crossed paths again eventually from all the stories you had heard. They never gave up on each other in the end, despite all their differences in beliefs.

You didn’t fight it when you finally began to nod off. Even over the pulsing of the helicopter and the radio chatter coming from the soldiers’ headsets, it was all just white noise eventually. Peter had his arm around your waist, his head leaned back against the hull and yours on his shoulder as you’d both fallen asleep somewhere over the now moonlit Mediterranean Sea.

——————————

Waking up had been much harder. As stiff as you were from the helicopter ride, you still had been in no hurry to move as you’d heard your name called. Xavier was trying to round you all up before the soldiers got impatient.

They’d at least provided him a wheelchair you noticed as you all groggily reconvened on what was actually the flight deck of a large U.S. aircraft carrier now docked in the bay alongside the Greek naval base.

All of you certainly looked worse for wear, Peter especially had his glasses skewed almost comically now, hair mussed in about every direction as he yawned big, standing on one leg with an arm thrown over your shoulders for support.

Once you were all accounted for on deck, the Professor spoke quickly. “Given the state of things, there will not be any transatlantic flights available currently. We will be staying here in the short term. For all of you, you will be given medical treatment as needed in this ship’s sick bay. We have also been provided sleeping arrangements separate of the crew. I am asking all of you to please rest up as best you can tonight. Moira and I will speak to these gentlemen as to the events that have transpired today.”

The “gentlemen” Xavier referred to looked about as pleased to be here as you all had been to wake up in Stryker’s base. You knew little of actual military rankings, but from the amount of bars on the fronts of their uniforms, you’d guess they were pretty high up there in authority.

But the Professor only continued in your heads for good measure. “Please understand that non-mutants especially are on edge right now. There were fatalities and very extensive damages to some cities today. I implore you all to be patient with any persons you may encounter on this ship. I believe they’ve moved the majority of the crew to the mainland already to better quarantine us here and limit tensions. But please remember, that by your demeanor and your choices, you represent us all. I will reach out to you all as soon as I know anything more on our options for returning home.”

He’d bid you all good night then, leaving with Moira and the most senior looking of the men while the rest of you had followed some nervous looking officers to the lower decks. You got the sense that Hank and Raven now felt obligated to chaperone and protect the group, as the oldest of you now, only second to the Professor.

Raven had assumed her blonde, human appearance before the helicopters had arrived, but without his medicine Hank could only remain in his Beast form. You could tell how uncomfortable both he and Kurt now made the soldiers as Hank had requested to accompany you and Peter to the sick bay, while Raven went with the others to whatever living quarters you were being given.

You’d be lying to say that their obvious judgment on Hank and Kurt’s physical appearances didn’t bother you. But you tried to remind yourself that they also didn’t know any better. They didn’t know how ridiculously smart, and even a bit nerdy and loyal Hank could be. Or how kind, forgiving, and genuine Kurt was.

When you did get to the sick bay, the doctor on call also looked like he’d just been dragged in there against his better judgement. But he did greet you all, saying he’d been made aware that there was a broken leg he needed to set and make a cast for.

His reaction to the metal splint Peter already had though was almost something funny. You knew Peter wanted to joke so badly about his “dad making it for him”, but you’d all agreed before the helicopters had arrived to downplay Erik’s role in all of this if he didn’t show himself.

Xavier had promised to make clear to the U.S. officials that Erik had been on your side in the end though. Yes, Magneto had blood on his hands from past and present, but having the world pursue him any further would only lead to more violence. It wouldn’t undo anything that had already been done.

Beast had been strong enough to unbend the metal with his bare hands, carefully removing the splint. He’d also helped Peter get out of the flight suit and dirtied clothing to wash up. Though they’d just cut his clothing away from his broken leg with surgical shears, not to injure it any further.

They’d put a screen up for some privacy while they worked on him. You knew Hank would protect Peter, so you were okay focusing on yourself a bit as you also got undressed and a nurse checked you for broken bones. With your clothes off, you finally got to see how badly bruised you were everywhere. But they’d agreed that your only actually damaged bones were cracked ribs, which there was no real treatment for save going easy to give them proper time to heal.

After the examination, you were allowed to take a shower. Which was honestly more amazing than you expected, not realizing just how much dirt, sweat, and blood had accumulated through all of this. Afterward, you’d gotten dressed with some clothes they’d left you. A plain white t-shirt with a small U.S. Navy insignia, and dark blue sweatpants essentially.

They’d offered to escort you to where the others were bunked. But you declined, choosing to wait for Hank and Peter instead.

And it had been a while, but eventually they cane back out. You could see they’d gotten the same treatment as you while here. Both had showered, though Peter made a point to laugh at how poor Hank had had to help him essentially get a trash bag tied over his leg cast first so he wouldn’t get it wet.

They had on the same white t-shirts as you as well now. Though even in the largest size, Hank’s looked uncomfortably small. Hank also got the same blue pants as you, but for Peter it was only blue shorts to accommodate his cast. You all looked like you were late for P.E. class honestly, albeit maybe at a U.S. Naval academy somewhere. You’d gotten a good deal of amusement from that.

They’d given Peter crutches too, which he was clearly playing with as he tried to see how quick he could move on them. Hank reprimanded him more than once when Peter had almost fallen flat on his face a few times on your way to the bunks.

The soldiers hadn’t separated you into guys and girls for the sleeping arrangements. Probably because to them the separation was more mutant/non-mutant only in all reality. But it didn’t bother you any. Really you felt safer knowing everyone else was close. By the time you had gotten to the bunks though, it was already lights out and Raven was the only one still awake waiting for you three.

“Sleep where you want,” She said, motioning to all the still empty beds. It looked like this block was meant to house a lot more than just your small number, but had evidently been cleared out for your arrival. Still being on a ship though where space was at a premium and the beds were double stacked and inset into the walls, it would be sleeping like books on a shelf.

You’d walked down a ways past your sleeping friends to find some open ones. Naturally you started to climb into the top bunk, knowing Peter would need the bottom with his cast in the way.

But you didn’t even have both legs pulled in before he startled you by grabbing your ankle. “What?” You breathed in a whisper, not wishing to wake the others as you tried to look down at him in the dark. With the main lights off, there was only the faintest glow from small emergency type lights sparsely spaced along the walls.

Mostly you could just see the white of his teeth, knowing he was grinning back at you. In this moment it reminded you only of the Cheshire cat, mischievous and a little disconcerting.

“There’s room down here, goofball,” He whispered back.

“Peter,” You answered, the tone saying far more than the short response. You weren’t alone here, and it, well it just didn’t seem proper. With the immediate threat of death now finally passed (hopefully), it really felt more like being back at school for the moment. There were standards of behavior and-

“If one of Hank can fit in these, then two of us definitely will.” He was clearly unfazed by your sudden reservations, though seemed to realize the cause pretty quickly. “Raven doesn’t care. Where do you think Scott and Jean ended up? You didn’t even notice did you?”

You could hear the bit of amusement in his voice. But no, you didn’t count heads as you were walking by. Why would you? If Scott and Jean had made it into the same bunk already, it wasn’t your business.

Which, yes, admittedly if you felt that way, would the others be as okay with it for you and Peter? He’d rightly guessed that it was more the fear of being judged that made you hesitate, than actually being uncomfortable sleeping beside him. You’d already slept side by side in the helicopter on the way here after all, but that wasn’t quite the same as being in the same bed.

“Still waiting,” He reminded, squeezing your ankle lightly.

You knew if you actually said no, he would drop it. It was only your indecision that he was waiting for you to resolve. But, how often would you have this chance again? Thinking of it in those terms, you relented at last, climbing back down.

You could still see his smile in the dark, no doubt excited over the small victory as he scooted back as much as he could to allow you in.

Trying to get into a comfortable position was a little awkward at first, especially with his cast. But you eventually ended up both laying on your sides, your back against his chest as he wrapped an arm around you under your shared blanket.

You were quickly learning how much he seemed to be comforted by physical contact. It wasn’t long at all before his breathing steadied out and you realized he was fast asleep, his head nuzzled into the back of your neck.

The feeling was warm and pleasant though. Yourself following suit not long after, sleeping deeply at last for a long deserved rest.

——————————

When morning finally came, there was no real way to know it. There were no windows to let in the daylight. By the time you’d woken to hear the others’ voices and the fluorescent lighting buzzing back on when one of them hit the switch, you’d learned it was actually almost noon local time.

Which none of you were complaining about. But you were hungry now. Sleep had been the primary physical need beforehand, and with that now met, you needed some more calories to burn.

Peter especially. You could actually hear his stomach growling as you’d all gotten up and headed into the common bathroom to brush teeth, brush hair and the like with the standard toiletries they’d left in there for everyone.

“Yeah, I’m like a hummingbird basically,” He’d explained nonchalantly on your walk to the mess hall afterward. “I just haven’t fallen out yet here because I haven’t gotten to run since dickhead busted my leg. But normally yeah, high octane all the time to keep things going. My blood sugar tanks if I don’t keep snacking at least. Twinkies are a personal fave in the old survival kit.”

“Those are good,” Kurt agreed. “I like the little pies too,” He gestured a circle shape with his hands, “With the little...the dried purple fruit, what are those in English?”

“Raisins, my bro.” Peter responded. “Old raisin creme pie. I swap back and forth on those. Oatmeal pies are alright too, but you know where it’s really at is zebra cakes, man.”

“Zebra...cake?” Clearly Kurt was trying to envision in his head how a zebra would have anything to do with the naming of a cake.

“It’s got white icing with brown stripes,” You answered. You weren’t super into junk food, but you did grow up in the U.S., so a lot of this knowledge was entirely unavoidable.

“But zebras have black stripes?” Kurt replied with some bit of bemusement.

“I don’t think Little Debbie or Hostess are too concerned with accurate representations of wildlife.” Raven chimed in, halfway amused at the randomness of the topics you all came up with, but still looking quite unimpressed.

“They do have brown stripes when they’re juveniles, before they get their adult coat.” Hank corrected though, glancing down at her.

“So they should be called baby zebra cakes. Got it.” Scott finally piped up, though also clearly thinking this ridiculous.

Raven and Jean just exchanged a look of their own as Ororo glanced to you. “Is it always like this?”

“Pretty much,” You answered with a slight smile. It was good to see Peter meshing in so well with the others though, even if he was a little bit older. You hoped that whenever the school was rebuilt that he’d consider staying. Xavier always seemed to be able to make room for any young mutant willing to learn and also work as a mentor to the even younger kids.

You were all still chatting lightly as your group walked through the mess hall doors. But after being just the few of you for so many hours, it was a bit of a shock to see several tables worth of sailors look up at your sudden intrusion.

It was clear by the amount of still empty tables though, that this wasn’t near the normal occupancy rate. You remembered the Professor commenting that he thought a lot of the men had been forced to disembark to the mainland, just to make a larger bubble for you all.

And by all the expressions on the faces of those that were left, it seemed that most disagreed whole heartedly with that decision.

Your group quieted immediately, everyone picking up on those stares and the bit of whispering as you got in line together. The mess hall was set up cafeteria style, so you had to grab trays and slide them along, picking what you wanted as the kitchen staff would spoon out or serve whatever it was you’d chosen onto your tray.

“Maybe we should just take the food back to the barracks?” Kurt asked quietly, looking down with an evident bit of anxiety building.

“It’s okay,” Raven answered, “Just keep your head up. We won’t be long.”

You were conflicted though. You shouldn’t have to eat, segregated out of everyone else’s sight like some sort of criminals, just because your presence might offend someone. But then again, what purpose did it serve in the larger scheme of things if you antagonized these sailors into an avoidable confrontation right now?

As the Professor had said, tensions were already high. Throwing any spark into that powder keg couldn’t possibly end well.

Hank had volunteered to carry Peter’s tray for him, as Peter needed both hands to work his crutches. You were glad for that at least as you could only envision yourself dropping it all in spectacular fashion. Especially when Peter insisted on a triple portion of some kind of strawberry cake desert they’d had.

“I think we should go back to the bunks,” Jean spoke up though when you were all about to walk away from the line with your trays and drinks. “There’s one of them, he’s about to go off.”

You all paused, looking to Raven and Hank simultaneously, seemingly all deciding without speaking that they’d become the de facto leadership in the Professor’s absence.

“Fine,” Raven relented, obviously not wanting to roll over in this situation, but also remembering all you’d already been through recently. Just getting to eat in peace should be a reasonable thing to want.

But even turning the other cheek, didn’t seem to be enough.

“Hey!” One of the sailors called out before you could get close enough to the door.

“Keep walking.” Raven just directed.

“Do you even know what the rest of the world looks like right now!?” He kept on, standing up as his voice only grew louder. “My Mom and my little brother were in San Francisco. Their goddamn apartment building collapsed!”

Peter was the first one to stop, looking back then.

You could hear the tone in the man’s voice change though, and in that moment you knew he was not going to attack anyone. But it almost made it worse that he didn’t as his voice broke, nearly pleading to you all. “I don’t even know if they’re alive, if they made it out or not. The phones won’t work...no one can get through.”

“We didn’t do that,” Raven spoke up as calmly as she could, looking back to him as well then. “I’m sorry.”

“But you know who did, don’t you!?” He countered. “It was him. Wasn’t it? The one from Washington D.C. that could move metal. And he got away. You let him get away!”

The men next to the sailor were trying to pull him back down to sitting now, trying to remind him something about orders, making you realize they must have been given a similar talk as you all had. Don’t cause trouble, don’t antagonize, keep the peace because you’d been told to.

Even with two food trays in hand, Hank was now trying to usher you all through the mess hall doors just as intently as the man’s friends were trying to make him stop as well.

But Peter just twisted right out of Hank’s reach in a blur, calling back suddenly then. “It was Magneto. I’m sure it was. But he’s gone, man. He ran.” Peter looked pained, but shook his head. “His family was killed...but that doesn’t mean he had any right to take it out on the world. I hope you find your family. I really do, and I’m sorry.”

With that Peter shoved through the doors, going on ahead of you all and not looking back. His frustration was palpable as the crutches limited him. If his leg hadn’t been broken you doubted any of you would have seen him leave at all. Like he too wanted to run away now, instead of having to face the painful reality that this was.

——————————

Nothing was said about the incident for quite some time as you’d all eaten quietly in the barracks. The food was plain, the simple kinds of things that could be made in bulk to feed a large crew on a ship like this. Macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, rice, and the like.

You were sitting on the floor eating while Peter was sitting on his bottom bunk, now just picking at the strawberry cake he’d most wanted with a fork. “This was definitely some pre-made frozen crap they just defrosted and put whip cream on.” He commented in dry disappointment.

“Yeah, I guess it’d be hard to keep fresh strawberries for long on a boat,” You replied, sipping one of the soft drinks you’d brought back. At least these were canned to still be carbonated well, but it wasn’t all that cold anymore.

He smirked. “I’d go crazy living on this thing out at sea. Not too many steps up from a prison cell really.”

Though you could imagine submarine life would be even worse, you didn’t think he was far off base. “It takes a special kind of person to enlist that’s for sure.”

“Yeah,” Peter agreed, going back to silence for a while as he dissected the cake idly.

You’d about finished all your food before he spoke to you again.

“What do you really think of him, (Y/N)?” Peter asked you in a somber tone then. “I mean, am I an idiot for trying to get to know him? My whole life I thought about what it would have been like if we’d had a real dad. If it wasn’t just Mom stressed the hell out all the time trying to keep us from getting evicted, or me from getting arrested honestly, or her worrying about Wanda being depressed so much. It’s like we were always broken. I had this idea if we’d just had that missing piece of a father, that everything would have been fixed. But then I finally meet him, finally find out who he really is, and he’s just as fucked up as anyone.”

You moved your tray to the side, considering your words carefully as you got up to go sit beside Peter on the edge of the bed. “You’re not an idiot.” That was the easiest point to make first. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to know who your parents are.” But the rest, that was muddled and complicated.

“I mean, that was the first time I’ve actually ever met him in person. So I only know the stories really.” You continued. “I know the Professor thinks highly of him. They’ve always been close.”

“Xavier punched my dad right in the damn face the first time I saw them together.” Peter responded, turning his head to look at you directly. “Knocked him on his ass actually.”

You blinked. “Um, well...I have heard their relationship has had its rough patches too. They disagree on a lot of things as well. But they always seem to care about each other in the end, when it’s all said and done.”

Peter laid the last of the cake back down on the floor, before laying back down behind you in the bunk. “So you’re saying that’s what I have to look forward to? Alternating between wanting to kick his ass, and wanting him to stick around and have a relationship together?”

You could only be honest. “Not really what I was going for, but, I mean, that’s kind of Erik right?”

“But he’s killed people hasn’t he? How do I get past that?”

That was really the hardest question of all, wasn’t it? And now the one probably weighing on Peter’s mind the most after the interaction with that upset sailor in the mess hall.

“His sins aren’t your sins, Peter.” Was what you finally said, sighing and looking at your hands now in your lap. “Erik has lost so much too. His parents, your grandparents, I know they died at Auschwitz. The Professor told us that. And they experimented on Erik, tortured him to try and use his powers as a weapon. Erik ended up killing the man most responsible for that. But Xavier had tried to stop him anyway and ended up paralyzed for it. It was an accident though.”

You could feel Peter shift behind you, sitting up slightly in the bunk. It was most likely that he’d never heard any of this. You hated that it had to come secondhand from you. That you, this random mutant would know more about his own father’s history than himself.

But you continued. “And then what he told us in Egypt, about his wife and daughter....I mean, my God. Like you said, it doesn’t mean he can just go around hurting everyone else just because of what’s been done to him. But what would anyone else really do? How can we say where our own breaking points would be?” You weren’t trying to absolve him by any means, but how could you sit here and judge him either?

“Yeah,” Peter answered, sounding distant. “I mean, I tried not to think about it too much, everything was already so messed up. But I’ve got to tell Wanda all of this too at some point. And I don’t know how. We had a little sister, and she’s already gone. How do you...how do you even process that when you didn’t even get to meet them? How do you get closure?”

You heard him moving around like he was wiping at his face with his hands. You didn’t think he was crying, but maybe his eyes were trying to build up something that he wasn’t willing to allow yet.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” He asked you after another moment.

“Sure,” You answered, laying back down in the bunk with him. This time you didn’t care if the others would pay any mind or not. He needed someone right now.

You were just laying the same way you’d slept last night with your back to his chest. But after a while you felt him tug at your side.

“Turn around,” He asked.

You did hesitate momentarily, knowing how much more personal that would be in the confines of the small bunk. But you allowed it, rolling over so that now you were nearly face to face, torsos touching as he wrapped his good leg over you before pulling up the blanket.

“Hey,” He smirked, seeming to cheer up at your awkward look. Your stomach flipped as you thought he was going in for a kiss, but he just ended up kissing your forehead once before pulling back.

Whatever expression you made then got a real laugh out of him.

“I was just going to tell you thank you.” He said teasingly, before leaning back in to whisper in your ear, “But you look kind of disappointed...did you want a little more?”

There was no question you were fully flustered now as you felt that heat rising in your face yet again. You’d have to make a mental note to apologize to Jean later if she was getting any of this broadcast to her. But then again, she did live in a house full of teenagers doing God knows what at any given time. Maybe she was already used to it. But you didn’t even want to think about Xavier possibly picking up on your current emotional panic either, that would be mortifying.

Sensing your spiraling distraction, Peter lightly touched one fingertip to the end of your nose. “Boop. Earth to (Y/N), have we lost signal? Overheated the engines already?”

You blinked. “That’s not funny.”

“Oh, it’s hilarious. And still waiting, dear. Always waiting...”

To be honest, when you finally kissed him, it was more just to wipe that smug look off his face. But on second thought, maybe that had been his plan all along. To taunt you into action. But it worked. It worked extremely well, as you’d both closed your eyes. His hand pressed into your back, making sure you stayed tight against him as you’d let it happen again and again. One kiss after another.

It’d been different too. The first ones back in Cairo had been so desperate more than anything, just a burst of emotion like a dying wish when neither of you had really expected to make it out of that desert.

While this now was far slower, much more thought behind each. It did make you forget everything else for those moments except the taste and feel of him.

But as much as you liked the sensations, you also knew you had to be the one to steer you both back out of it. When you felt his hand starting to move under your shirt, sliding up greedily across your bare skin, you realized he was already wanting more. And this wasn’t the place, not the time. Not yet at least. You weren’t immune to those feelings either, but it’d be much better if you waited. As much as you knew he hated waiting...

You’d pulled your lips away, but he then only moved to kissing your neck instead as you had to speak his name to try and call him back out of it. “Peter.”

“Mmm?” He responded after a moment, at least pausing, even though his lips were still touching against your throat.

You tugged his hair a little to try and get him to look back up at you.

He resisted slightly, not a lot, but you knew he was stalling as best he could before he finally relented. “Stop sign comes out huh?” He breathed, though not upset, just clearly having trouble coming out of the mood as his hand slid back out of your shirt to rest only on top of your clothes.

“Not exactly enough privacy here,” you responded quietly. Which was of course a huge understatement as the others were probably just out of earshot right now. If you were lucky anyway.

“It’s a big ship, babe. I’m sure we can find a place,” He joked, but only partially you were sure. As you really thought if you said the word right now, he’d make it his mission to find such a place immediately.

You toyed with his hair a little more, moving the messy silver strands out away from his eyes. “I think it’s getting to be pretty inevitable if you really want to know the truth.”

He leaned into the touch, just kissing your hand once more as your palm neared too close to his mouth. “You make it really tough either way, I’ll say that.”

You knew better than to lecture this one on the virtue of patience. But this was already the most physical you’d ever been with anyone as it was, and all so soon. Yet you knew it was only a matter of time. These new feelings were only growing. None of this would be fading any time soon.

You just laid your head back on his shoulder after a while, speaking to him, “Hey, after we’ve cooled down a bit more here, you want to see if anyone will allow us on the flight deck? It’d be nice to see the ocean at least before the sun goes back down. Get some fresh air.”

“Romantic stroll in the ocean breeze you say? Well maybe more a romantic hobble for me.” He chuckled dryly. “I’m game.”

——————————

(Continued in next chapter here)

[mashiraostail]

Can I get Present Mic, Aizawa, Vlad King and Gang Orca when their S/O wakes up with a bad fever and they're a little loopy but they're shivering so bad because despite the fact they're burning up they feel super cold.

coincidentally i have been sick since yesterday night pretty rad i just slug over to my roommates like ‘leon...i need...water....’ and he’s like ‘no <3′  also I'm getting so soft for gang orca idk why sfslfdsal

Hizashi Yamada/Present Mic: It’s like the fatigue ran over you the second you opened your eyes and rolled over. You had barely been awake for 2 seconds but you felt like you’d just done a week's worth of patrols.  “Hey look who decided to join us.” Hizashi is already awake beside you holding his phone above his face, “you’re later than normal. Good morning.” He grins at you, but his grin slips away at the sound of your groan.  “Babe you’re shivering.” You hear his phone click off as he shuffles up, “want me to close the window?”  He inspects the flush on your cheeks, “you feel alright?” He reaches out and slides his hand over your forehead. You just groan again, flopping back into the pillows. “You’ve definitely got a fever.” He frowns cupping your cheeks, “wait here, I’m gonna get a thermometer, and some medicine.” His hands feel perfect and cooling on your cheeks, all you can do when he starts to pull away is whine.  “Zashi no-” You complain and so he goes back to you, letting you grip his wrists in your clammy palms, “your hands feel nice..”  if his hands felt this good then...you shrug them away and slump forward to bury your face in the crook of his neck, “you can’t leave me I’ll die.”  “Don’t say something like that!” He pats the back of your head, “it’s only a fever, probably a pretty high one. You’re so warm..” He wraps his arms around you and you warble. “No I feel like I’m gonna freeze to death.”  “Stop talking about dying!” He complains, but slumps back into the pillows, taking you with him. “Did you feel okay yesterday?” He slides his hands up the back of your shirt as you nod.  “It’s probably the flu.” He rubs flat palms in slow circles between your shoulder blades, “poor you.”  “poor me.” You agree with a sniffle and he chuckles a little, “well let me take care of you. I’ll be right back, you won’t even notice I’m gone.” He promises as you shuffle higher up his chest until you’re pressing your nose into his jaw.  “I’ll be right back. You sure got lucky getting sick on a Sunday like this.”  “You’ll stay with me all day?” You press your face further into his neck, trying to find a new cool patch of skin to lean on.  “I’ll stay with you all day.” 

Shouta Aizawa: Sweat. Cold sweat. That’s all you can think of when the sound of the front door opening wakes you up. You sit up and rub your face then down the whole glass of water on your bedside table. By the time your done Aizawa is cracking the bedroom door open.  “I didn’t wake you, did I?” He’s already starting to remove his hero costume.  You shake your head, technically he did but you had a feeling anything would have woken you up in your current state. “No...just..up.”   “Well then what are you doing up so late it’s almost 4 in the-” He squints at you, “you don’t look so good.” He’s quickly tying the drawstring to some sweatpants before sitting before you in bed.  “‘m...alright..how was..?” You trail off, “where were you? School?”  He snorts, “yeah extra 4 am classes. I was on patrol. Slow night.” He slicks your hair off your sweaty forehead, “you have a crazy fever.”  “Mhm..no..just..kinda cold in here.”  “That’s the opposite of a fever.” Shouta lets you fall forward onto his chest anyway, “did you feel alright when you went to bed?”  “A little achy.” You wrap your arms around his back, his skin was cold against you. His hands were freezing where one cupped the back of your neck, though despite your shivering the sensation was welcome. He presses a long kiss to your hairline, “you need medicine and some more water.”  “Just come to bed.” You moan turning your face into his chest, “I just need to sleep.”  “I don’t think so.” he disagrees, “come on, take some meds, drink a little water, and then I’ll get in bed with you.”  “I don’t wanna.” You grip him tighter as he moves to get up turning your nose into the shallow divot of his sternum between his pecs. “Stop whining.” His other hand pats the back of your head, “come on if you take medicine before you go back to sleep you’ll feel better when you wake up. If you don’t take any and then wake up feeling worse I won’t take care of you.”  “Cruel!” You nuzzle into him further and he sighs. “Okay I would but I’d say I told you so, and you’d feel worse. Come on.” He pries you off of him, “I won’t leave you again after I get back I swear.” 

Sekijiro Kan/ Vlad King: When you wake up all you can think about is just going back to sleep. Sekijiro is still passed out beside you, it’s probably pretty early. You stick you leg out from underneath the covers, hoping that will rectify the temperature issue you were having. It does not. You were melting and somehow also freezing.  Sekijiro looked pretty content, all things considered. You were sure he wouldn’t mind if you just..shuffled over..you press yourself into his back, face buried between his shoulder blades. This was helping worlds more than sticking your leg out did. You coil one arm around the much larger man, you were sure this all looked pretty comical. Your nuzzling and shifting must wake him up.  “Huh?” He’s reaching back, patting around your back and shoulders until hie finds your hair, “oh.” He settles back into place once he does,  “aren’t you sweet?” He yawns, “could’ve came around my other side, you woulda fit.” You just lean into him more. He turns over to face you, careful not to knock you away.  “What’s got you up so early?”  He doesn’t let you answer though, one look at you gives it away. “You’re pale. Not feeling well?” Your groan is more than sufficient.  “You’re nice and cool though..” You shuffle close to him again, now against his chest.  “Jeeze, you’re burning up..” He’s rubbing long strokes over your back, “shoulda got me up sooner..”  “‘s okay...” You sling an arm around his ribs, “you’re up now..”  “Yeah, I am..” He holds the back of your head with his other hand and lets you wallow for a moment before pulling you up towards him by your jaw, “you should take something for this fever. Once that’s cleared up you’ll feel much better.” He presses a kiss to you and you hum into it. “Will you be okay for a few minutes?”  You nod, turning into his lips for another kiss, which he obliges before getting up.  “I wonder where this came from all of a sudden.” He hands you two small pills and a glass of water. You take the pills quickly before beaconing him toward you again, he just sighs affectionately.  “Yeah okay, okay come on, get up here, right on my chest. That’s it.” He wraps two big arms around you, “I’ll stick around here today alright?” 

Kugo Sakamata/ Gang Orca You were already feeling pretty bad when you decided to call it an early night, but you’re hopeful it won’t be so bad when sleep finds you easily, though when you wake up a few hours later you’re feeling significantly less hopeful. You pat around the sheets for Kugo but he’s not there which isn’t exactly surprising, but it is unfortunate.  Normally you appreciated the cool of his satin sheets but right now they just made you shiver even more, all you really wanted was Kugo You manage to slide out of the bed and stumble down the hall in search of him, you wonder what time it is as you nudge open his offce door, sort of surprised you’d found it so easy in your weary state. Sure enough he’s there at his desk, tapping a pen against some papers.  When the door clicks open against you he turns over his shoulder.  “Hm?” He perks up at the sight of you, “I thought you were in bed?”  “Kugo..” You warble, rubbing your face, he turns in his chair completely.  “Oh, what’s the matter my love?” His voice is laced with affectionate sympathy at your bleary eyes. “Can’t sleep?” He asks, watching you lean dramatically on the doorframe.  “Mhmn..” You shake your head, pressing your cheek into the cool material. “You can’t?” He tilts his head at you, “but you look so exhausted my dear.” He holds an arm out to you, “come here. Sit with me for a bit, maybe I can help.” You trudge over to him as soon as he extends an arm and clamber into his lap, though when you’re close enough to touch he’s taking your face in his hands.  “Oh dear..” He looks down at you, “feels like you’ve got quite a fever. You should have told me you didn’t feel well..”  “Hm...I’m alright..” You lean into him and he sighs as you continue, “what are you up to?”  “Just finishing some reports, honestly it’s putting me to sleep, maybe it’ll do the trick for you.” He slides his free hand into the back of your shirt, you’re more than grateful for his cool skin against yours, the sigh you let out at the contact makes it obvious to him.  “Oh, does that feel good?” He slides his hand up the small of your back, pulling you in closer with a chuckle, you just nod grip the back of his shirt.  “Close your eyes love, I’ll carry you to bed once I’m done here.”

[katsukavi]

I wanted to make this a full fanfiction on my wattpad, but I didn’t want to disappoint everyone with the super slow updates (like my scumlord lol) so.. here’s crap I pulled out of my notes called arise, undead (“pretty obsessed” sung jin-woo x male, zombie reader) I also really like the options I have in tumblr lol. I’m a little embarrassed to add tags because I’m not sure if people will like it and stuff.. But yeah! This is the book cover I made for it here too! :D

Im having too much fun with these new stuff~ (please excuse me. this is my first long post and i love everything here—)

(spoilers)

The plot is that Jin-Woo finds an undead in the woods, tries to arise him and it does work. Now they fight together because the zombie has no memories and is literally immortal (yet dead). Near the end, they discover that MC was murdered and his body was buried in the woods yada yada. Then when Jin-Woo goes back, he has to save him. But, he has to save MC as a 15 year old while MC is a 27 year old..

(I planned that part out and I think it’s a little funny how suddenly a kid approaches you like “You’re going to die if you go somewhere. Come with me, I’m your lover from the future.”

“Ah, it’s a chuunibyou.. Sorry kid, but I need to go to work—“

“No.”

‘Alive or not, MC still looks like a zombie.. Why are you so overworked?!’)

IT WAS SUNG JIN-WOO’S FIRST TIME using his new job skills, so naturally he’d get excited in testing every single little thing about it. He just exited the purple hued portal behind him, feeling like he acquired an interesting new toy to play with. Even though he was tired from the lack of sleep, his joy kept him from passing out.

Either it was that, or the rain pouring over his head. All his excitement flushed into disappointment as his shoes got muddy from the damp forest foor and his clothes getting completely soaked in rainwater. It would be impossible to pass out with the loud thunder rumbling in the background.

He cursed with every step on his path, finding it hard to walk with the slippery and uneven soil, his vision blurry from water and dark skies and his body dragging itself against harsh rain. Unfortunately, he was also already very exhausted.

Out of all the times for a thunderstorm, why did it have to be right after the job change quest?

From behind the trees, he heard a low distorted roar—forcing him to dip his head towards it’s direction. He held a dagger in one hand, trying to make out its shape from behind the trees.

It was in a humanoid shape, making him relax just a little bit. “Is anyone there?” he questioned.

His voice seemed to reach the stranger as they left their hiding spot in the trees’ shade. The person looked to be a man wearing a formal suit, diluted blood marking over his chest and face. Even though he looked human, he didn’t seem to breathe, just limply staring at Jin-Woo with a blank and lifeless expression.

Strangely, the stranger’s (s/c) skin was pale, like blood hasn’t been pumping through his veins. But attacking a person because they looked really sick wasn’t a good thing, it’s like attacking an overworked person because they looked so dead. It was either it was too dark or the view was too blurry.

“Hello?” Jin-Woo called out one time, staying cautious from the stranger. It lunged at Jin-Woo with a raspy growl, nearly scratching his face. Jin-Woo ducked, a small scratch appearing on his face from the speed. It definitely wasn’t human.

Sung Jin-Woo was already fatigued, at a disadvantage with the location as well. He cursed, barely dodging every slash thrown at him. “Igris!” he called out, the shadow materialising from behind him. Igris grabbed the humanoid monster, a splash of mud splattering around as it was thrown.

Sung Jin-Woo stabbed it deep in the chest, not a single drop of blood spilling out as he stepped back to breathe. He put his hands on his knees, staring at the lifeless corpse as he sent Igris back. ‘It seems pretty strong.. Should I extract it?’

He took a deep breath, getting closer to the body as he raised his hand. His posture was elegant, holding a composed expression as droplets of rain streamed down his attractive face, adding to his charm. A deep and soothing voice left his mouth, sending chills to anyone who would hear it.

“Arise.”

Though unfortunately, the Shadow Monarch was greeted with nothing but silence and the sound of ambient rain. That’s odd, if it was a failed extraction then a notification would pop up to let him know or something. Was the system suddenly broken? If that’s the case, he should try again.

“Arise.. arise. ARISE!” he shouted multiple times, but a shadow didn’t get extracted. He furrowed his brows, squatting down to find out the cause of his skill suddenly breaking. “Why isn’t it working..?” he mumbled under his breath, getting closer to the body with a puzzled look on his face.

“Arise. Arise. Arise arise arise. Wake up. Rise and shine. Arise. Awake. Good morning. Arise.”

“I’m not dead yet, dimwit.”

Did the body just.. talk back to him?

“You didn’t hear anything,” Jin-Woo blurted out, getting embarrassed from the montage of Arise and synonyms he was saying to something that was alive. He stabbed the body once again, trying to kill it as he attempted once more. “Arise.”

“You don’t have to try again. I’m not dead,” the man just sat up like it was just his average tuesday, sliding out the blade from his chest, handing it to Jin-Woo and dusting off his clothes. The undead just raised his head towards the sky, watching clouds part as he lifted his palm, no more droplets landing on top of it. “Oh, the rain is clearing up.”

“Excuse me. Didn’t you just try to attack me?”

“Did I? I don’t remember,” the stranger scratched the back of his neck, looking bored as he yawned. “My name is (L/n) (M/n), age 27. And you are?”

“Sung Jin-Woo, 24.”

“Nice meeting you. Now where in the hell am I?”

/////////////////////////////

(L/N) (M/N) HAD A NASTY SCOWL on his face, plopping the sewing kit on Jin-Woo’s bed as he angrily tried to open it with one arm. Unfortunately, someone had cut off his right arm that he spent ages trying to sew back on.

“What next, my leg?” he cursed under his breath as Sung Jin-Woo opened it for him. “Wait a minute,” Jin-Woo said, sticking the end of his arm to his shoulder. “Hold this,” he said, making (M/n) keep his limb in one place as he put the thread in the needle.

“What?” The zombie still looked very angry, knitting his brows together as he held still. “I thought you needed a hand,” Jin-Woo lightly joked, trying to make (M/n)’s mood towards him a little better. The undead male gave him his signature dead stare, tightly holding his severed upper arm before speaking.

“Jin-Woo, I am dead serious here.”

He started to lightly chuckle, noticing that Sung Jin-Woo was almost finished with sewing his arm back on his body. “Hey, you’re pretty good at this.” His remark made Jin-Woo smile as he opened and closed his hand, almost as if it was brand new.

“My clothes kept getting ripped when I was E-Rank. I learned naturally.”

“The next time you rip off my limbs, please fix them too,” (M/n) said, flailing his right hand in the air with satisfaction.

“Well next time. I’m sure I’ll make you mine.”

“I doubt that.”

///////////////////////////// (now it’s just random dialogues i pulled out of my idea dump lol)

“OH HECK! There goes my leg!”

“Oh no... He’s dead! It’s not like I’m happy about it or anything~! ...Arise arise arise arise—“

“IM NOT DEAD!”

“God damn it.. Jin-Woo, could you go fetch my torso, and my arms and my legs and uh.. my head. Yes, thank you.”

“You don’t have a heartbeat and your skin is ice cold. I stabbed you 32 times. How are you still moving?”

“Dunno, ask Jesus.”

“I CAN’T BREATHE! I’M DYING.”

“You don’t breathe, (M/n).”

“Oh yeah, you’re right.”

“Sometimes I wonder if you want me dead or if you want me alive. Which one is it?”

“Either way is fine as long as you’re mine.”

“Gross, necrophiliac.”

“Good night, (M/n).”

“Good night, Jin-Woo..”

“Alright.. arise arise arise arise arise arise arise—“

“Once again, I am not dead.”

“You’re not useless, (M/n). Because when you die, I WILL MAKE YOU MY SHADOW.”

“HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO COMFORT ME?!”

[justmeandmysickies]

2 hours and 41 minutes

characters: Key and Jaylen warnings: emeto

1 hour and 48 minutes. That's how long they'd been sitting on the bathroom floor. And key was done.

But of course, he wasn't the one who should be complaining. It was his boyfriend who had been dry heaving constantly for the better part of the last two hours.

But his knees, ass and back were hurting from sitting on the floor and his arms were getting sore from the constant motion of rubbing Jaylen's back. And on top of it all, the sick brunette refused to leave the bathroom, even though he'd been unable to bring anything up, claiming he'd throw up 'any minute now'.

Key knew he shouldn’t be whining but he couldn't help pitying himself a little bit.

And yes, he knew he could leave. He could simply walk away and find somewhere comfortable to relax and Jaylen wouldn't even be mad, considering he himself would have left ages ago. But Key couldn't bring himself to - not when his boyfriend looked like this.

Jay was shivering, despite his white shirt being basically see through with sweat. His face was ghostly pale, and tears of exertion were streaming down his cheeks. His head was resting on his arms, which were crossed over the toilet seat. At this point Jaylen was a sniffling mess and Key couldn’t help but feel bad for his usually bright boyfriend.

Another dry heave sounded from within the toilet bowl and Key cringed at the sound. Jaylen on the other hand barely showed any reaction at all – he was just too exhausted to care anymore. A thick gurgle made its way up Jay’s throat before manifesting as a sick sounding belch. In response, Jaylen buried his head even deeper in the toilet, his mouth hanging open in anticipation. Key quickly grabbed his boyfriend’s long hair to prevent possible damage, but the effort turned out unnecessary.

The intense wave of nausea passed as quickly as it had come, and Jaylen straightened up slightly. Groaning in frustration, he spit into the toilet, hoping the action would help move things along.

“Still nothing?” Key asked, actually a little disappointed.

Jay whined miserably in response. His head was pounding, his stomach felt like it was trying to turn itself inside out and he was getting light-headed from the constant dry heaving. If only he could finally bring something up, so he could start feeling better or at least somehow empty.

2 hours and 12 minutes. Key hadn’t known it was possible to lose feeling in your ass but apparently it was. At least this way it wasn’t actively hurting anymore so the blonde considered it a win.

His boyfriend on the other hand, was still slumped over the toilet. Even though wet, unrelieving burps were gurgling up his throat almost constantly now, he was still not able to actually bring anything up. Instead Jaylen was left panting over the bowl, eyes almost falling shut, as the dizziness and the fatigue were taking their toll. Key could only imagine how miserable he had to be feeling.

“Come on baby, let us go to bed. I will bring a bucket for you, just in case. You need some rest.” It wasn’t really a question anymore. Key couldn’t stand seeing his obviously ill boyfriend on the bathroom floor any longer. He needed some proper rest in a proper bed, rather than on the floor with his head in the toilet.

“But what if I make a mess?” Jaylen’s voice was shot from dry heaving, his volume barely above a whisper.

“Then I will clean it. Please, let us get up.” Key’s voice however was firm and left no room for argument.

Jaylen sighed in defeat. He knew his boyfriend was right, but he was just so damn tired. He didn’t want to move – unfortunately one look at the determined man in front of him confirmed that he had no choice.

So the sick singer used the toilet to push himself up on shaky legs. Key almost sighed in relief at the thought of finally going to bed when things took a turn for the worse.

Standing upright did nothing to help Jaylen. A wave of dizziness crashed over him so hard, he had to put both hands on Key’s broad shoulders to steady himself. Another burp forced its way out of his mouth – and with it came a thick wave of barely digested spaghetti carbonara. Neither of the two men reacted fast enough to prevent the mess so it landed in front of Key’s feet with a sickening splat.

Jaylen whirled around, crashing to his knees in front of the toilet, just before another slightly thinner wave of foul liquid fell into the toilet. Key was repulsed (Jay really needed to chew his food better), but one look at the brunette and Key was at his side in an instant, not even caring about the puddle of vomit he was now basically kneeling in. This was bad.

At first Jaylen hadn’t been able to start but now he couldn’t stop. Sour smelling liquid just kept pouring out of his mouth, giving the singer no time to breathe. Tears were streaming down his face, which was now bright red as he wheezed, desperately trying to take in a breath.

Key’s eyes widened – he had no idea how to help his ailing boyfriend. “Hey baby, listen to me, okay? You will be alright. I promise. I just need you to stay calm and try and breathe for me, okay?”

Jaylen tried. He really, really did. But his lungs weren’t cooperating. Everything hurt. His ears were ringing, and black spots were dancing in his vision.

Just before Jay was about to black out entirely, the spell tapered off and he could finally draw in a much-needed breath.

Key exhaled audibly. Thank God. But Jaylen was still struggling to catch his breath so the blonde did the only thing he could think of: he sat right behind Jaylen, pressing his own chest against his boyfriend’s heaving back and took a deep breath, encouraging the slightly smaller man to breathe with him.

It worked. Only a few minutes later, Jaylen was back to breathing normally. And, as Key realized, he was about to fall asleep, still braced against the toilet.

He chuckled, relieved to see that his boyfriend was doing okay. “Hey, sleepyhead. Feeling any better?”

“Mh.” Jay hummed sleepily. “‘think I just needed it out of my system. ‘m really tired.” He mumbled, his eyes already falling shut.

“Yeah, I can tell. Let us get you to bed then.” Key got up, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand. Once again, Jaylen got dizzy at the sudden motion but fortunately the vertigo passed quickly.

“How about you go to bed, and I will join you, right after I am done cleaning the floor, hm?” Key said, the wet spots on his knees unpleasantly reminding him of the vomit on the floor.

He got nothing more than an approving hum before his boyfriend slowly trudged into the direction of their bedroom. Key immediately got to work, cleaning as efficiently as ever.

Just as he was about to leave, he glanced at the clock.

2 hours and 41 minutes. That’s how long they’d been sitting on the bathroom floor. And now Key could finally go to bed.

[cora-vizsla]

The Broken Jedi

Every Choice Has A Consequence

For those of you that are used to my writing, this story is a bit darker. I do have an authors note* if you’d like to read that first. If you have any questions about triggers feel free to message me and I'll be happy to let you know what may be coming up. <3

I was running as I laughed. There was something about being able to run freely that cleared my mind. It was one of my favorite things to do, even if I wasn’t very coordinated. The moon lit up the tall grass, but I knew that I would end up tripping and falling. I always did even when I was focused, and right then I was laughing too hard. I could hear the footsteps following me, which only made my laughing fit even worse. I turned my head back, which was a mistake, and I was falling to the ground. I caught myself with the force right before my face hit. I turned my head to the side as I heard a thump next to me. I pushed the grass down that was blocking my view and was instantly greeted by a smiling face.

“You need to learn to use the force more. You would be less likely to fall.”

I continued to laugh as I let myself fall down to the ground the rest of the way. I kept my face turned towards him, watching his face in the moonlight. He was still breathing heavy after out impromptu run. His raven hair was splayed out across the ground around him.

“I was being chased. Kind of hard to focus.”

His face became more serious as he rolled to his side to look at me.

“You could be chased during battle, Aurora.”

“Me? No.” I laughed. “I’ll always face my enemies. Square on. No running needed.”

The end of this memory was supposed to be him smiling and telling me that I was beautiful when I was stubborn. He then reached forward and gently brushed the hair out of my face as my cheeks flushed. Suddenly things started to change in a way that was new to me.

His eyes turned red and a sick smile spread. His energy turned sickly and wrong. I started to scramble away from him, unable to unlock my eyes from his.

“You’re wrong, Aurora. You will run, but I’ll catch you. And when I do...”

I tried to get up and run, but I felt his hand pull my ankle out from under me. He climbed on top of me, pinning me down.

“I’ll kill you.”

He growled it in my ear as I felt my sight go black. I let out a scream as the pain overwhelmed me.

The scream carried over into my consciousness, waking me up. I groaned as my muscles contracted from the effort of trying to jump. I wiggled my fingers trying to get some type of relief. The straps on my wrist were tight, but I was still able to wiggle a bit.

XXX

Every time I woke up, I made an effort to get the blood flowing. I didn’t think that I would be able to walk after being strapped down for so long, but I didn’t want to lose use of my extremities either. I lost track of the cycles that I was strapped to the damn table, but I wouldn’t ever give them the information they wanted. It didn’t matter how many beatings or torture they put me through.

I was almost thankful for the strap holding my head in place. It made my neck sore, but it meant that I couldn’t actually survey the damage done to me. They had droids, troopers and officers all in there trying to get information. I was sure that every bone in my body had been broken at some point.

I laid there focusing on the pain instead of how shaken up I was over the dreams. It had been at least fourteen cycles since anyone had been in to harm me, but that was when the dreams started. The dreams made it easy to remember the cycles, because they left me shaking. I couldn’t ever seem to forget them, and each one added onto the fatigue. I figured that was a new way to try to break me. My body didn’t matter to me. Pain didn’t phase me. I had learned at a very young age to work through the pain.

I was rubbish at working through my mental torment though.

The only thing that I could focus on was just how damn tired I was.

My eyes had started to flutter shut, despite my attempt to keep them open. It felt relieving to move what little parts of me that I could, but it also made me exhausted. My captors had hooked me up to tubes for nourishment and hydration. It kept me alive but weak enough that even if I found a way to get out of the straps, I wouldn’t make it very far.

“You are a particularly strong being, you know. Most of those we capture give up information within a few hours.”

I opened my eyes to see the red headed man that usually watched my beatings standing above me. I blinked and licked my chapped lips, trying to prepare to speak. It had been so long since anyone had spoken to me.

“I to-told you. I won’t tell you anything. I won't do anything you command either.”

“Hmm. Yes. You did say that.”

He crossed his arms behind his back and looked at me almost as if I were an experiment.

“Then why is it so surprising that I have yet to crack?”

“Oh, you have started. Our Supreme Leader has made sure of that.”

I let out a painful scoff as he moved down towards my feet.

“Only children are bothered by nightmares.”

“Ren seems to think the particular route that they will be using is going to work.”

“Ben has always underestimated me.”

He let out a laugh as he moved back to my side.

“Don’t let him hear you calling him that, child.”

I grit my teeth. The man staring at me couldn’t have been much older than myself. Probably born into a rich family and appointed as a leader because of his last name.

I resented him calling me a child.

“Ah, did I touch a nerve? Would you prefer I call you prisoner?”

“Yes.”

“Unfortunately, for you, I am not in the business of making you comfortable.”

“I can clearly see that by the straps digging into my skin. I mean I understand keeping a prisoner uncomfortable, but did you need to have your men strip me down first?”

“You are an obstinate little thing, aren’t you?” He grinned. “Some would find that endearing.”

“I am not one to find much endearing. Unless you wanted to answer all my questions right now. That may possibly be considered endearing.”

I let out a soft laugh and moved my eyes back up to the ceiling. “That is what I figured. I would wish you a good evening, but I doubt that will be possible.” “Thank you for the kind words.” I snarked.

I heard his footsteps as he walked out, leaving me alone again. I wiggled my body, wincing as the straps dug into my skin. I figured that the more I moved the tighter they got, but it was hard to not try to shift and move. Meditation had gotten me through the beginning, but I couldn’t afford to fall asleep anymore.

As I fought to keep my eyes open, all I could think about was just how damn tired I was.

I was tired of the straps digging into my skin. I was tired of the beatings and torture. I was tired of the masked man that used to be my rock standing by as I was ripped to pieces. I was tired of waiting to be saved.

I was honestly just tired of existing.

It didn’t matter though. I had to continue fighting. I had to keep pushing forward and holding strong. I had no idea what was going on in the rest of the universe, but I knew right then my purpose was to stay strong.

I just had to stay strong.

XXX

I was running as fast as possible as my chest heaved. It felt like I had been running forever. Normally running had been exhilarating for me, but I felt nothing but terror. I was tired of running, but the darkness following me kept me moving forward.

I ran down the hallway that seemed to stretch on forever. I pushed through the pain and my lungs that I was sure were literally on fire at that point. The further I ran, the more I noticed that there was a light up ahead. I pushed myself even harder, knowing that the light would always be able to fight the dark. Even if small battles were to be lost, the light would be my saving grace.

I felt a smile spread across my face as my body found its second wind. The darkness was falling back as I moved forward. The light was almost blinding as I got closer. I felt a laugh bubble out of my chest, out of relief. I started to slow, knowing that it was almost over. I wasn’t sure if it meant death or salvation, but anything was better than the black tendrils trying to pull me back.

I saw a hand reach out, finally, to help me the rest of the way. I reached out, letting joy wash through me as our fingertips touched. I blinked into the light, trying desperately to see my savior. I smiled as I tried to still move forward.

Suddenly, the hand gripped tightly onto my hand as I felt another grab my other wrist. I winced as the grip tightened onto me, crushing me. I cried out as I felt my bones start to bend.

“You thought you could get away from me so easily, Aurora? The light can’t save you. There is nothing but darkness.”

My heart sank as I heard the words come from his voice modulator. His towering frame came into view as he walked me back towards the tendrils that were now dancing around my ankles, getting tighter and tighter.

“Just give up. It’s so much less painful if you would just give up.”

“I can’t!”

He paused briefly before he pushed me back. I clawed in the air, desperately trying to hold onto him to stop my descent. I cried out in pain as the tendrils pulled me deeper and deeper. The dark was suffocating but all I could see was Kylo Ren watching me fall deeper.

Give in child. Just give in.

“I can’t! I won’t!”

The pain will stop as soon as you give in.

Before I could answer, the tendrils pushed into me deeper. I screamed out in pain, just wanting it to stop. I begged for it to stop but it just hurt more. The more I struggled the more it hurt.

XXX

I woke up to tears streaming down my face. My whole body was on fire and I could feel the blood running down the now open cuts from the straps holding me down. I let the sobs wrack my body as I tried to calm myself down.

The nightmares had been relentless no matter how long I tried to stay awake. The moment I would let my eyes shut, I would be thrown head first into pain and torment. I was trying to stay strong but the exhaustion was finally getting to me.

I heard the door open and knew I should try to stop crying. The tears just kept streaming down my face as I stared up at the ceiling. The footsteps stopped as soon as they got close to me.

“Get her up.”

“Yes, Lord Ren.”

I felt the straps fall off me as the troopers released them. Sobs continued to escape me, no matter how hard I tried to stop them. I screamed out in pain as the troopers dragged me off the table. All the blood flow was returning to my body just as much as the cuts were being aggravated.

“Bring her to the Supreme Leader immediately.”

“Yes, Lord Ren.”

My hair fell in my face as they dragged me forward. I tried to move my feet to keep up, but I couldn’t get them to work.

“Supreme Leader wants to see her bleeding and naked?”

I turned my head to the side to see the ginger standing there next to Kylo Ren. I shuddered, having the memory of my nightmare flash through my head. I couldn’t shake the feeling of his hands crushing mine.

“She isn’t a doll, General Hux. She is a prisoner and will be treated as such.”

“Very well.”

The troopers dragged me down the hallway, pausing just long enough to let the Monster and General lead the way. I gave up trying to move my legs, opting to just let them drag me. We got to the door and I realized that we must have been moving slowly, because we were being waited on. I almost felt ashamed for being waited on, although it was their fault that I was in that condition to begin with.

The doors opened and Kylo Ren grabbed my arms, taking me from the troopers. I flinched, still reeling from the damn nightmare. I felt as if I were being dragged to hell by the creature all children were told to fear as they sat around a fire. As we moved forward, I heard Snokes laugh ring out into the room. I picked my head up as much as I could, though it wasn’t much to be proud of. He still looked just as hideous as I remembered, if that was even possible.

“Drop her there, apprentice.”

I crashed to the ground, barely able to catch myself with my hands and knees. My long hair was matted but still somehow fell around my face. My whole body was shaking with all of the effort I was putting forward.

“You walk among the living, Aurora! Well, barely I see.”

If I could have spit venom at that point, I would have.

“Are you feeling alright? You seem a little.. weak.” He sneered.

“I am.” I said quietly.

“You are what? Weak? Tired? How have your dreams been treating you?”

I forced myself to pick my head up to look him in the eyes as a sick smile spread across his face.

“Oh, if looks could kill. There is still so much fight left in you, child.”

I grit my teeth at the name. I was a fighter, and here I was reduced to nothing but a bleeding mess.

“Oh, dear Aurora. You came to me so strong and full of life. Now you look as if you’ve fought off an entire army. What happened to you?”

I grit my teeth, not wanting him to ever see me that weak. I felt tears sting my eyes from the pain and embarrassment. It wasn’t bad enough that I had been tortured, but now here I was absolutely exposed as well. I wondered what Master Skywalker would think of me, seeing me so low.

“He would think that you gave it your all. But I am sure that he would still ask for more of you. The Jedi never seemed to be understanding of pain and anguish. It’s always about their order and their code.”

I looked back up at him, letting the tears stream down my face. The salt stung the wounds, but it was honestly nothing in comparison to the shame I was feeling.

“I know it hurts. I know every part of your body is screaming in agony. You yearn for a bed and a good nights sleep. You wish you could smile and laugh again. You miss your darling Ben and the future you dreamed up.”

I dropped my head back down, afraid to look at him more. “I can give you proper food and a bed.”

“I need nothing from you.”

“Clothes? A shower?”

“And what price would I have to pay? How many innocents would I need to slaughter in your name?”

“Just do as you’re told. You do whatever Kylo Ren tells you to do. Renounce the Resistance, Master Skywalker and the Jedi. Submit yourself to your new master and the First Order.”

“You’re asking me to be a slave? To give in to the Dark side and be a slave to your.. your lap dog?”

“I’m telling you it’s how you will survive.”

I growled in frustration, trying to will my body to stand up.

“Think of it as being a guest here.”

“A guest with chains.”

“Our slaves live better lives than our prisoners. Aurora, anyone with an ounce of self-preservation would do what I am telling you to.”

“I won’t give you any information. That hasn’t changed.” “You don’t need to. You have other ways of being useful.”

He was promising me a shower, clothes and even a bed. Real food. I hated the fact that it even sounded remotely appealing.

“The nightmares will stop.”

“How can I believe anything you say to me?” I whispered.

“You don’t have any other choice. Either choose to go back to the table, or to a warm bed. It is your decision and you must live with the consequences.”

[barbasbodaciousbeard]

If You Love Someone, Let Them Go: Part 11

Summary: Since starting with SVU, Sonny hadn’t kept much terribly close to the chest. The squad knew about his family, growing up on Staten Island, the classes at Fordham. What was hidden was why he didn’t date. Sonny Carisi was also separated from his childhood sweetheart, a separation neither ever took to divorce. They had the same haunts. They’d grown up neighbors. Their paths crossed every few months, and divorce talks would turn into reminiscing would turn into a night spent together, sometimes sex sometimes just talking until the early morning. It always ended with one of them waking up alone however. How will that change when the squad finds out?

Pairings: Sonny Carisi x Original Character

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10

A/N: One of the first chapters I wrote. 

March 2016: 

“I don’t like this,” Victoria muttered, brushing his hair back. 

“I know, doll. I’ll be home soon enough, okay?” He was going undercover, staying in a shelter for sex offenders, and she was clinging to him beforehand. Sonny was thankful when Victoria came home with a bag of clothes he was inheriting from Margy’s husband so that he didn’t have to bring anything from this home after. The only thing he refused was taking his ring off, working marriage into his back story. It wouldn’t come off again. 

“I know. I just hate knowing where you’ll be. Who you’ll be around.”

“Me too, Tor. I gotta pretend I’m one of them.”

“We’ll go see Bella and Tommy when you’re home. Play with our newest niece.”

“I’d like that a lot.”

“I love you, Dom. I’ll miss you.”

“I love you, Tor. I’ll miss you too. Be home as soon as I can, okay? You call Liv if you need anything. Amanda has your number too, in case she needs help with Jessie.”

“I know. Go catch the bad guy, okay?”

He kissed her softly, and she ruffled his hair as he left. Sonny didn’t want to look too much like himself for this. She’d suggested the name Smitty, mostly as a joke when they were watching some movie. It was a week and a half before he could come home. Once they thought they had Loomis, and then realized Richie was involved too, Sonny got to come home and shed the persona before returning to the precinct. Of course, Victoria didn’t know any of this; she just knew Sonny would need support.

In the time he’d been gone, she’d been feeling under the weather, so when he got home, she was sipping ginger tea in a vain attempt to settle her stomach. He dropped the duffel bag when the door was locked, immediately starting to peel off the jacket, then the inherited hoodie, then the jeans that didn’t fit right and drop them on the bag.

“I gotta wash this off,” he said plainly as he went for the shower. It was a habit he’d taken to as he figured out how to separate the days on the job that felt like they stuck with him the most. Sonny would shower, though he usually didn’t feel such an aversion to his clothing, and then talk to her once he felt better. This time, she went to the bathroom after a while, sitting on the toilet seat.

“You okay?” she asked.

“I guess.” The water shut off, and he pulled the curtain back to get a towel. “I didn’t like pretending I had pictures of kids. But it also was weird? I don’t think any of those guys got enough time. But I was also, like, playin’ dominoes with them. Can make you wonder if they’re the same guy as before they did time.”

“I know that’s not easy to think about.”

“It looks like they might have proved me wrong.”

“How?”

“The guy who did it? He’s the one I thought was probably rehabilitated. He also saved me when I got jumped so-”

“You got jumped?”

“Shit, Lieu didn’t tell you?”

“No. Dom, are you okay?” 

“A vic’s dad saw me at the precinct. I was new in the place so he thought I was the perp and he and his friends brought bats.” He shifted around, and she could see deep purple bruise across his back. “Richie, one of the guys, saved me.”

“Sweetheart,” she whispered, fingers gently brushing over the swelling. “Did you see a doc?”

“It’s just a bruise. Feeling better every day.”

“Liv said you gotta go back in?”

“No. But, I need to hear everything. See this through.”

“I know. Liv said she approved for you to take a few days off when it’s over.”

“She told me. Somebody meddled.”

“Love you,” she sang softly. “You need to take time to recover.”

“I was planning to ask, and I appreciate that you did meddle when you watched Noah. I love you. So much.”

“I’ll get you some clothes while you shave and stuff.”

“Thank you, Tor.” She left him to get ready, laying out a suit and tie and everything else. He came in not long after, and she took advantage of the opportunity to watch him get dressed. Things had been good again for almost a year, and she needed to talk to him, but knew this wasn’t the time. In the worst case of timing, she’d started to feel sick while he was okay. It wasn’t too bad at first, easily written off as PMS, but she’d realized she was late the night before, something that made her wish it had taken him just one more day to come home. She hadn’t taken a test yet, and it didn’t feel like the right time to talk about it. She knew he’d be ecstatic if she were, but they’d decided to drop the subject until summer. The possibility still scared her because all she could consider was that he'd get distant when the first hard case came.  

Sonny would get home that night, and they’d have the weekend. The trial would start on Monday, and Dominick planned to go. They had the next two days, and then he’d take two after the trial. There was a box of tests tucked at the bottom of her underwear drawer, and a lazy Saturday felt like the right time to find out. He fell into the bed when he got home,taking just enough time to tell her the attorney was the real perp and the guy who had saved him wasn’t before falling asleep quickly. Since he was home so late, it was easy enough for her to wake up before him, running the shower as she watched the clock. 

“How about I join-” she could hear Sonny before she turned and saw him, eyes wide. He took in Victoria settled on a toilet seat with a small white stick clutched in her hands.  “Is that what I think it is?”

“Yeah,” she said, cheeks red as her eyes welled up. “Don’t be mad.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothed, kneeling in front of her. “I’m not mad. Did you not want me with you?”

“Yeah. I’m scared, Dom.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to process it. What we talked about at Christmas. The fact it’s not June yet, so I shouldn’t be pregnant.”

“We’ll stay in therapy. Unfortunately a verbal agreement doesn’t prevent pregnancy,” a soft smile as he teased her. “But I’ll be here. I swear to you, doll. I know the doin’ is the only thing that can make that real.”

“I was definitely going to tell you if I am. I got a little box to put it in.”

“That’s all that matters to me, okay? We’re two separate people. You’re the one who may be carrying our baby. If you needed to process that first, it’s fair. I really hope you are, though.”

“I think what scares me is that I kind of do too. We always talked about it. But this isn’t when we planned, y’know?”

“I know, doll. But I think the last few years tell us everything ain’t going to go to plan. But we can get through anything,” Sonny whispered, kissing her temple. She looked to her phone, letting out a breath. “Want me to check it?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, head on his chest. He reached forward, holding it up.

“How many lines is a baby?” 

“Two.” She knew the answer as soon as she heard him sniff and felt his arms tighten around her. Victoria could feel the smile on his face, and she clung to him. 

“We made a baby, tesoro.”

“Lemme see,” she murmured, eyes teary. Reverently, she held it, wrapping around his middle. 

“Wait, so around six weeks is when my sisters all realized. Tor, are we having a Valentine’s baby?”

“I guess,” she whispered. “They’ll give us the conception window, won’t they?”

“Oh my god, we’ll get to see them soon,” he beamed, dropping his hands to her belly. His wide eyed reverence made her feel butterflies in her stomach, butterflies that started to overshadow the nerves. 

“We will. I’ll call a doctor Monday. Maybe they can squeeze me in your off days. Then we can see them before you tell anyone. I know you won’t be able to wait until 12 weeks to tell ma.”

“What made you start realizing?”

“I had all that indigestion. Got fatigued right before you went. Then I’ve been nauseous all the time and peeing a lot. I realized I was late like the night before you got home when I realized how much my boobs hurt. I wanted to know before you got here but then it wrapped up.”

“What are you craving?” he asked, picking her up and gently settling her on the bed. “I’ll get you these ginger candies. Teresa, Bella, and Gina all swear by them for the nausea and indigestion. I couldn’t get Amanda to eat them with Jesse. You’ll need a pregnancy pillow when you get bigger. And not to be gross, but we gotta get chia seeds. Bella learned it helps you not get constipated.”

“Nothing yet. But I love you,” she whispered, pulling him to lay against her side. She wanted to cry, so grateful to see his response. The change she’d imagined was sudden, an immediate withdrawal. Now he was here, after a hard case, not pulling back. Instead, she had a feeling there’d be a basket of ginger candy, bananas, and chia pudding waiting on a pregnancy pillow with a handful of onesies.

“I love you, too,” he grinned before ducking to kiss her unchanged belly. “And I love you, kiddo. Me and your mom can’t wait to meet you.” Victoria’s hand rested in his hair as he laid his head on her side. She was right, and he went to the store after a while, returning hours later with bags. Carefully, he laid everything on the coffee table. He was excited, she could tell, and she wondered if he’d even make it to the appointment before telling his mom. 

“So, I know we aren’t tellin’ ma yet, but I did some googling about your boobs to try to figure out what can help. It said the, like, stretchy bras like these so I got a lot. And then these boob ice packs and nipple cream because I didn’t know which part hurts. Prenatals, because duh. Ginger candy since that’s bothering ya now. I got chia seeds for if you get constipated and then Gina ate a banana a day because she got lots of muscle cramps, so I got us more bananas. And then there’s that dip and chips you like flowers in the kitchen.”

Victoria was silent, staring up at him. The doubt that had wormed its way into her head was gone, though she knew it would reappear until experience confirmed she was wrong. But now? She was more secure than she’d ever been. She thought whatever change would be there suddenly, that he’d pull away when he knew and spend too much time in his head. Instead, here was Sonny, just off a case that wasn’t easy for him, putting his focus on the good news. He knew she was afraid, and he was genuinely there for her. She also knew that there was an extent to which this was his way of saying See, doll? I’m not going anywhere. Victoria teared up, and Sonny looked worried, dropping beside her.

“Come here, you absolute sap,” she sniffed. There were the hormones. Really, there was the overwhelming confirmation that he wasn’t going anywhere and they’d get this life together. The sentimentality she often felt when she realized he was just so good and so sweet, even if he thought his job tainted that.

“Ah, you happy crying?”

“Yeah. You’re so perfect, Dom. This is so sweet.”

“You’re carrying our baby, Victoria. This is the least I can do. I’m going to take care of you. I’m so grateful.”

The weekend and trial went by in a blur, but Victoria was able to confirm she was pregnant with bloodwork while he was in court. They were going to an ultrasound that Thursday, and she was glad to know the trial would wrap up in time for Sonny to make it without her needing to reschedule. She was later than she realized once she visited the doctor, and Sonny had excitedly downloaded apps for both of them to track the pregnancy week by week. The first time anyone saw them together, they’d probably guess that she was pregnant, based only on the way he escorted her like she’d break now and instinctively reached for her belly despite the lack of a bump. If it weren’t so endearing, she’d be furious.

“You excited to see them?” he asked, leg bouncing as they sat. “Ain’t a valentine’s baby, but that means we get them two weeks sooner.”

“I can’t wait,” she said, hand going to his knee. “You okay, Dom?”

“I’m so nervous.”

“Me too. But we can see them today.”

“The app says they’re the size of a raspberry. Maybe that’s why you’ve been craving them.”

“We’ll track the weekly comparisons.”

“We’ll tell everybody at dinner tonight. Ma’s gonna flip.”

“And you can tell the squad when you decide. I know you. Four weeks could be unbearable.”

“I just wanna tell everybody. We got a little raspberry.”

“Saturday we get the next fruit.”

“Perfect. I’ll update my chart of what you’ll be craving.” He kept his hand on her back as they went to the ultrasound room, watching the tech like a kid on Christmas. If she didn’t know for a fact that he’d been incredibly supportive of four different women through pregnancy, she’d think he didn’t know how any of this worked. When the nurse started to show them the baby, confirming the heartbeat and measuring to determine if the age was correct, Sonny watched the image with what was officially the goofiest of his grins she’d ever seen. 

“Want to hear them?” the tech asked softly. “I think we’ll be able to hear.”

“Please,” Victoria smiled as she held his hand tight. Sonny pressed his lips to the back of her hand as the steady sound filled the room. His eyes were brimmed with happy tears, and she started to cry too when they made eye contact, which made them both let out happy laughs. 

“That’s our kid.” The joy in his voice made Victoria wish they’d just gone straight for this a year before. 

“It is,” she whispered. Soon enough, they were in their apartment, and Sonny had his cheek pressed to her belly and the print out of the sonogram clutched in his hand.

“I’m gonna tell them a story every night. And if I get caught on a case, I’ll call and tell a really short story.”

“Yeah?” Her hand smoothed through his hair as she watched him. His eyes were closed, and he was desperate to see if he could pick up on the baby’s heartbeat. He knew he was just hearing hers, but maybe if he stayed there long enough…

“Yeah. And I’m gonna be at every sonogram. I can’t wait, Tor.”

“Me either, Dom. I know I’ve been scared, but this week makes me feel better about it. I can’t promise I won’t get panicky sometimes.”

“I know. I’m glad you’re feeling better about it, but I understand if you get freaked. The girls and Rollins? All three of them got really emotional and panicky.”

“I love you. We both do.”

“I love both of you. I’m telling Lieu tomorrow. I want to let her know. And be positive I get to be at the twelve week appointment.”

“That’s fine, Dom. I also know you gotta tell somebody.”

“That too,” he admitted.

The next morning found him giddy as he got to the office. On his way, he’d grabbed zeppoli, setting them out and dropping at his desk with his coffee. He’d only seen Fin so far, but it felt impossible not to run up to him, whip out his phone, and start showing off the ultrasound photo. He kept pulling it up just to be sure it was there and real and ready for him to show Olivia. He wasn’t sure he’d have made as much progress as he had without the squad she led. It had helped him feel more stable as he accepted that there were things he needed to work on to be okay again. Olivia was, to him, unknowingly a big part of why he’d gotten his head out of his ass. He went to her open door the minute he saw her sit down.

“Hey Lieu, can I talk to you?” he asked from the doorway. Liv motioned for him to come in and close the door. 

“Everything alright, Carisi?”

“I just got something you need to know, ‘cause I’ll have to disappear for a couple hours every once in a while.”

“Oh? Is everything okay?” she asked, leaning back as she looked up at him.

“Yeah. Tor’s nine weeks along as of this past Saturday, so the reason is about the size of a cherry now.”

“Victoria’s pregnant?” she beamed, and Sonny nodded eagerly, fumbling to pull out the ultrasound picture on his phone. 

“We found out a week ago. The ultrasound was Thursday. There’s no bump yet, but she’s got just a little bit bigger and I can’t wait until she pops. It’s kind of crazy, I know, but I’m going to be a dad. I was gonna wait until we did the twelve week ultrasound, but y’know, I gotta leave to do that.”

“And you just wanted to tell somebody.”

“That too,” he said, and Olivia wanted to tease him for how boyish he looked with the grin and nervous glances to his lap. “I’m glad I knew before the bar, or I wouldn’t have been able to focus.”

“You two will be phenomenal parents. Congratulations. Unless something comes up, you’re fine to go for doctor’s appointments. How’s she feeling?”

“Pregnant,” he laughed. “But the bakery’s in a good way. She’s stepping back a little more. And between my sisters and Amanda, I remember what stuff helps so I try to help.”

“I gave Bella Noah’s old clothes or I’d offer them.”

“I appreciate that. We’ll inherit enough from everybody though. Plus, I kinda like shopping for onesies and stuff. They’re really cute. And Target got in some real cute outfits...”

“Are you telling everyone else?”

“Not until twelve weeks. But I couldn’t go without telling you, lieu.”

@cycat4077​

[melaninkpopimagines]

Sensually Charged

Mark x Reader 

Word Count: 2550

Warning: Smut (Pregnancy) 

Author: Admin Jae 

You both were sweating bullets in bed, you felt yourself soaking the bedspread as he pulled on your warm walls with his pulsing length. He held your hands in place as he continued to snap your hips into you. Your legs were wrapped around him. You couldn’t get enough of him. His eyes were closed, savoring every moment, he was deep inside you. 

You both were coming undone, his breeding kink was in full force. “I can’t wait to put a baby inside you” he groaned in your ear. 

Just hearing him say those words were music to your ears. You spread your legs to the furthest you could get them. “Give me a baby please” you moaned loudly. 

Mark got up from the bed standing on the edge, he grabbed your legs and pulled you towards the edge with him. He held both hips in place, standing he pounds into you. Your breast shook in rhythm to him. Mark massaged your right breast while you massaged your left breast. Mark spread his legs a little,  his dick fully immersed inside of you. Your pussy created so much cream, it covered him entirely. 

Mark leaned in for a kiss, something about kissing in the middle of making love. “Fuck, Y/N. I’m about to cum” he said. He quickened his pace with hard strokes. 

“Cum inside of me” you whimpered. 

He froze and he let a soft grunt as his dick released cum into your pink canvas. You felt his liquid fill you up. 

You loved these moments with him. The sheer pleasure displayed on his face as his eyes remained closed. 

Mark kissed you as he slowly slipped out of you. Mark crawled onto the bed next to you. 

He smiled and placed his hand on your stomach. 

"I can't wait to have a baby with you" he whispered and pulled you closer to him. "Me too" you whispered back. Mark wrapped his arms around you with your back towards him. You both fell soundly asleep. 

…………………………………………..

"Come on babe, we're going to be late" Mark shouted. 

You were staring in the mirror, you didn't feel like yourself. You felt bloated, fatigued, your breasts were very sore to touch. You didn't want to go out. It must be that time of month. You sighed. 

"Babe, can't we just postpone?" You shouted from the bathroom. 

"Y/N, we have to get going, everyone is expecting us" he answered. "We're going to be late." 

You took a deep breath and exited the bathroom, you came down the steps. "Do I look fat in this dress?" You asked. 

"Why would you ask that? You look beautiful" he kissed you on the lips. "Are you ok?" He asked.

"I'm not feeling like myself right now but I'm going. When we get home, I'm going straight to bed" you stated. 

You and Mark arrived just in time, GOT7 were hosting a dinner party. Fellow idols from JYP and other companies were invited. 

You and Mark were enjoying yourselves and each other. The crowd were divided amongst themselves from the food, to the bar and the dance floor. 

You still weren't feeling like yourself, you placed a smile on your face. 

You stood by the bar, waiting for the bartender to finish making a margarita you ordered. You heard Jackson yelled "Y/N" as he ran to give you a hug. "Hey Jackson" you smiled. He hugged you tightly. "How's everything going?" he asked. "Everything is going great. I'm trying to get used to living here. I'm getting by slowly" you answered pleasantly as you sipped your margarita. 

You and Jackson both observed Mark from afar. "So how is everything with your solo debut?" you asked. "Everything is going well. Just constantly busy though. I find myself getting sick more often unfortunately" he answered. 

"I'm sorry to hear that, definitely take care of yourself. Your health comes first" you advised. He nodded. 

The margarita was not helping you relax. You breathed a little and placed your hand on your belly to stop the nausea. You swallowed hard holding everything in. 

"Hey, you don't look so good. Are you ok?" Jackson asked. 

You nodded and then smiled. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me." 

"You didn't look too good for a second there," Jackson said keeping his eye contact fixated. 

"It's alright, I'm ok" you assured him. 

Mark approached you two. "What are you two talking about?" He asked as he planted a kiss on your cheek. 

"We're talking about you of course" you laughed. "Care to dance with me?" he asked as he extended his hand. 

"I'd love too" you said as you took his hand. 

Mark guided you to the dancefloor, with his hands around your hips as you swung them in rhythm to the music. Mark smoothly followed in unison with your moves. He twirled you around and pulled you close to him. The volume of the music increased as the DJ changed the flow. 

As you continued to dance, your vision became blurry and your brain became foggy. You whispered to Mark, "I don't feel good". Your body became limp. You heard Mark shout for help. You passed out in his arms. 

…………………………………..

Your eyes slowly opened. You found yourself on the hospital bed with Mark asleep beside you holding your hand. 

You softly tightened your hand to wake him up. "Hey babe" you softly spoke. 

His eyes opened wide. 

"You had us all scared" Mark said kissing you on the lips. "How do you feel?" 

"I feel fine for now" you answered. 

"Were you feeling strange before we left for the party? "Why didn't you say anything?  We could have stayed home" he asked. 

"Yeah, I was feeling strange but I thought it was just my period this month" you replied. "I didn't mean to scare you". 

“I’m just glad you’re alright,” he smiled. “The doctors ran some tests to see if you are ok. They should be back in any moment” Mark stated. 

“What were you experiencing when you weren’t feeling like yourself?” he continued. You sighed. “I felt bloated, nauseous, fatigued, and my boobs hurt so bad".

"How do you feel now?" He asked. 

"I feel ok" you sighed. You both heard a soft knock on the door. The doctor peeped his head in with a clipboard in his hand. 

"Is this a bad time?" He asked cautiously. "No you're fine" you said leaning back against the bed. 

"You Miss, definitely caused a fright for everyone," the doctor advised. "We ran some tests. Good news, you're not sick. Nothing fatal but we are gonna have to keep a close eye on you" he suggested. 

You had a visibly confused look on your face. "Wait why?" You asked. 

The doctor stared at you and Mark. "Well, all the symptoms you were having Miss," he smiled. "I'm here to congratulate the both of you" he paused. "Your pregnancy test came back positive". 

Your mouth dropped. "I'm pregnant" you said in disbelief. 

"Yes, you are. About 5 weeks pregnant actually" he added. 

The biggest smile appeared on Mark's face. He was in disbelief. He jumped up out of his seat and hugged you tightly. "Thank you Doctor," Mark said. "No problem, I'll leave you two be. If you give me a few minutes, Y/N is fine to be released" Doctor advised. "Thank you" you whispered. 

Mark grabbed your cheeks and dove for a kiss. You kissed him back. You slightly pulled away as he was beginning to form tears of joy. "You're pregnant" he whispered. "Yeah, I am" you felt tears forming. You both were so happy, Mark held you tightly for a few more minutes. "I can't wait to tell my family," Mark said. "And everyone else" you added. 

He kissed you some more. 

The doctor came back to release you. You and Mark left to go home during the car ride neither you and him could stop touching your belly. You knew this was going to be a life changing journey for the both of you. Inviting a little one into the world surrounded by loving friends and family. 

Mark was all over you when you two arrived home. His hands were all over you. He couldn't stop smiling. You made all the arrangements to step up a schedule to see an OB/GYN. 

"Yeah, she's fine. She's doing much better. Yeah she was released from the hospital last night" Mark was on the phone with someone. You looked over to see Mark mouthed his parents. They call him occasionally to check on both you and wonder if you'll come visit LA again. 

"Mom..Dad. There's something we need to tell you" he started. Mark placed the phone on speaker for you both to make the announcement. 

"What's the good news?" His mother asked. 

"We're pregnant!" You both exclaimed. 

"WHAT!?" you hear his mother scream. "OMG, ARE YOU SERIOUS?" you hear Mark's sister shout in the background. "Yes. I am 5 weeks pregnant actually" you added. 

"CONGRATULATIONS TO THE BOTH OF YOU. I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO!" his mother shouted. 

"What, what's going on?" You heard Mark's father ask. "MARK AND Y/N ARE HAVING A BABY!" his mother exclaimed further. 

"Mark! Is this true?" His father asked in disbelief. 

"Yes, Dad. You both are going to be grandparents again" Mark smiled. 

You heard a moment of silence. You heard both his parents sniffing in the background. You knew they were happy. 

"Mark, Y/N. We are so happy for you too" his mother continued "We have to come see you now, we can plan a trip to come. We don't want to intrude so let us know whenever is a good time for you two" she suggested. "We will Mom, don't worry" Mark assured her. 

"We're gonna go now. I want to give Y/N my undivided attention" Mark kissed you on the forehead. 

Mark said goodbye to his parents and crashed on the couch with you as you scoured the internet on which pregnancy books to order. Mark placed his hand on your belly and pulled you close to him. "We did it babe" he whispered. "Yeah, we did" you smiled. 

"You think it's too early for names?" he asked. 

"Yes, it is. We have a whole nine months to think of names for the baby. We don't even know the sex yet" you advised him. 

"True but it won't hurt to start, maybe we'll change our minds later" he said as he kissed you on the lips. 

"Would you care if I got bigger from the pregnancy?" You asked. He scoffed at your question. "Why would you ask that?" 

"I don't know. You know my body is going to have to adjust to the baby" you shrugged your shoulders. 

"Y/N, I don't care. As long as you and the baby are fine. It doesn't matter to me" Mark said. 

"I love you" 

"I love you too"

………………………

By the end of next month, you had a small round belly. Your breasts grew larger. Mark couldn't keep his hands off of you. 

"Babe, I'm cooking" you smiled as he wrapped his arms around you from behind. "I know, I just can't help myself" Mark whispered in your ear as he continued to rub your breasts with his fingers rubbing your nipples. Since your pregnancy started, your body became more sensitive to his touches. Easily aroused, Mark slipped his hand inside your panties rubbing your soaking pussy. Mark kissed your neck, made his fingers deeper inside of you. “Fuck” you moaned. 

“If we keep this up, we’re going to burn the food” you warned. “We can always make some more,” he smiled. 

You placed on low for it to simmer, so you could focus all your attention on him. Mark pulled you towards the kitchen counter in the corner of the kitchen. Mark pulled your panties down. You sat on top of the kitchen counter with your legs opened. Mark undressed himself, he stroked himself, biting his bottom lip. You motioned him to come. He followed pursuit leaning forward between your legs to start off by kissing you. You kissed him back, he moaned. You felt his pulsating member rub against your entrance. Mark took his dick and rubbed it against your warm lips. You felt yourself seeping out onto the floor underneath you. Mark amazed how much juice you produced, he used his mouth to slurp off of you. He motioned his tongue around your clit. You gasped and rolled your eyes back in pleasure. “Mark, baby” you shuttered. Mark didn’t stop, his mouth was over your pussy, his tongue rotating. You grabbed his head of hair urging him to go further inside. “Damnit Mark”. 

He stopped and kissed you. He entered you slowly. You sucked your breath in worry if this would harm the baby. "It's ok, the baby will be fine," Mark reassured as he slid further in.  You nodded in agreement. Mark pulled you closer to him, snapping  his hips into you. With your sense heightened, your pussy was so sensitive to the touch, you felt your legs begin to tremble. “You’re so beautiful, Mark moaned. Your pussy was drowning him in a pool of cream. Mark rubbed his thumb against your clit as he pulsed inside of you. “Mark, I don’t think I can hold on any longer” you said as you felt yourself about to give out. Mark kept going. “Mark!” you moaned louder. Mark knew you have reached your limit. He backed out of you. The full force of your liquids squirted out, dripping even more. It was not what you expected. You felt like you doubled over in orgasms. Mark kissed you. “How do you feel?” he asked. “I feel good but drained,” you smiled. “You soaked the floor” he chuckled. “I know, I’m sorry” you said. “Don’t be” Mark kissed your forehead. 

“I never thought we would be able to do anything like this” you moaned as he plummeted  inside of you again. “Me neither” he smiled.  

You grabbed his hips to fill all of him stroking inside, disappearing inside of all your folds. Mark rolled his eyes back fully immersed in the moment. “Mark, I can’t-” 

“I’m almost there baby” he whispered as his pace rapidly increased. He was close to cumming. You felt yourself about to make another release. Before you could say his name again. “Go ahead baby, come for me.” 

Second release, your juices flowed again. Mark came along with you. Both cum and juice mixed together in the heat of the moment. He tapped his dick against your wet folds again for more to come out. Your legs violently shook. You were done for today. Your body was slipping. Mark placed his arms around you and helped you to the bedroom to sleep. Mark pulled the covers over you. “Mark” you said softly as you felt yourself falling asleep. “Hm”. 

“That was amazing,” you smiled. 

“I’m glad. No matter how much your body changes, I love you. You are beautiful. Don’t ever forget that”. 

You smiled. “I won’t”. 

“Good” he kissed your forehead and silently closed the room door behind him to clean up the mess you both made and finish cooking dinner. 

Ya’ll I have sinned. I have never wrote anything liked this before. lol I enjoyed writing this and I hope you guys enjoy reading this. Happy Reading! <3 ;) 

-Admin Jae 

[hisakata-resutomoshibi]

Not to bother you, but I've been wondering what would happen next in that Inner Demon! Kuro au. It randomly popped into my head and now im curious lol. I'm not asking for another chapter if you dont want to write it, I just wanna know what u think would happen next! Your ideas are amazing and I love hearing from you! 🧡

Ah, you’re so sweet! Don’t take this too seriously as I haven’t planned any of it and barely edited it LOL but here you go my dear~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alright, and what am I supposed to make of that?"

It was hours later, or perhaps just minutes, and Mahiru found himself staring up at the slightly damp, bug riddled ceiling of the cave. He seemed to have fallen to the ground after Kuro had released his grip; maybe he had taken too much blood? The thought froze his muscles in visceral terror and his mind in a bid to remain sane immediately rejected the idea. Either way, he did distinctly remember hearing Kuro say that he belonged to Mahiru now, or something to that effect, and really, who wanted to have a psycho like this?

"What does what means?"

 Kuro's eyes popped in to view over Mahiru's face and he flinched back, bashing his head further on the cold stone. Frowning in irritation, at the pain in his skull, the situation in general, he sighed. "What do you mean you're mine?"

 The bright red that had flooded through Kuro's irises hadn't faded, in fact it seemed to have almost solidified against the former blue, looking like a small pool of swirling metallic paint splashed across the sky. As he watched, entranced, Kuro grinned.

 "Pretty, right?" He blinked slowly, demonstratively. "The red is a nice touch, a very easy way to identify contracts."

 "Contracts?" Mahiru repeated curiously. "What- no, I mean, how did your eyes change color?"

 "This is your blood, Mahiru." Kuro said matter-of-factly. "I didn't expect it to be so beautiful, to be honest. Most blood mixes in like mud. Such a disappointing shade of brown. But this!" Kuro paused, fluttering a hand in front of his face.

"This is gorgeous. We must be compatible."

 "Compatible..." Mahiru echoed, laughing weakly. "Great."

 "You wanted to go home. I'll take you there."

 "Hold on just a second." He pushed out a hand into the scant air between them and Kuro obligingly sat back, his head cocked in innocent puzzlement. "How do you know where I live?"

 "I know everything that is YOU, now."

 "Again, what exactly does that mean?"

 Kuro smiled wickedly, leaning forward suddenly, a blur of vitality in the dank air of the cave. "Take it literally. Anything that means something to you, makes up a part of your identity, it's mine now. And in exchange-" He gestured down at himself, "you get this, anything you could possibly want."

 Startled into silence, Mahiru felt his tongue form the sardonic comment before he could think better of it. "You're quite confident." As soon as the words were out he regretted them, praying that the offense they caused wouldn't be enough to get him ripped into little pieces, but Kuro only laughed, lighter and softer than anything Mahiru had heard before.

 "Of course I'm confident. Do you still not know who I am, Mahiru?" His lips curled up mischievously and he ran a graceful, delicate finger, along Mahiru's jaw. "You're a bit thick, aren't you? Ah well, no matter! You're mine as well now, no turning back." Before Mahiru had the chance to feel offended, he continued. "I knew you were special the second I saw you."

 The conversation was running in circles and it was only a matter of time before Mahiru got motion sickness trying to follow it, so, trying to decide the simplest course of action, he chose, simply, to ignore it. Obviously Kuro was not who he had originally thought, the eyes, the horns, the preternatural speed, no, there was no way to fake that, he was something else entirely, but the question was, what? Mahiru glanced over to find Kuro staring at him raptly and he couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped. "Where am I supposed to hide you?"

"Is this just something that people like you can do?" Mahiru asked flatly, staring down at the tiny kitten at his feet. It turned it's wide, luminescent eyes (red like his blood, he thought) up to him and blinked. "I don't know what that means."

 "You really are a demanding little one." Kuro muttered as he phased back into existence, occupying the space the cat had previously. "Of course not all of us can, it is something unique to I and a few others." He paused, seeming to think carefully before speaking. "Eight total."

 There are seven others that can turn into animals?"

 Kuro nodded slowly, almost regretfully. "Yes. Seven. But you don't need to worry about them."

 "I'm not particularly worried." Mahiru sighed. "More like amazed." He watched for a moment as Kuro crept around his room, so cat like in his movements Mahiru almost laughed, and began to poke at several of the books piled haphazardly on his desk. "I do have a question."

 As though he had been in anticipation, Kuro spun on his heel, books and exploration forgotten and a lopsided smile in place. "Yes?"

 "Well, er-" Mahiru hesitated, biting his lip. "Not to be offensive or anything but, you're acting very... different now."

 "Oh?"

 "Uh, yeah..."

 "How so?"

 "Well." Mahiru glanced over, quickly looking away again when he met Kuro's amused gaze. "Well, to be blunt, you're not acting like a total nut job anymore."

 "A nut job." Kuro paused, digesting the phrase for a moment. "I do not know that one either." Four rapid steps had him directly in front of Mahiru again and he grinned. "There's so much you must tell me! But before that, what is the question?"

 "Why?" Mahiu blurted. "Why are you suddenly..." He trailed off and, at a loss for definition, gestured vaguely at Kuro. "Like this?"

 Shrugging casually, Kuro raised a brow. "One would act differently after becoming someone else, no?"

 Putting a finger to his brow in fatigued annoyance, Mahiru groaned. "No w I just know you're fucking with me."

 "Not yet, I assure you." Kuro said brightly, his grin widening impossibly when Mahiru blanched. "What can I say to make you understand?" He crossed his arms, gaze traveling lazily around the room. When his eyes lit upon the chair near the door and he paused. "I took from you and so you must take from me." He glanced over, his eyes shining through the shifting blacks and whites of his hair. "Give and take, tit for tat, you are a part of me and so I must honor that change. Act according to the new blood."

 Mahiru frowned, attempting to construct something realistic or even vaguely understandable from what Kuro had just said. "So, you're different because of me?"

 "Precisely. Perhaps if you were less stubborn I would not be quite so composed?" Kuro laughed, just a shadow of the maniacal, wild abandon from previously and shrugged. "It's an interesting change." He raised his eyes to the ceiling, as though looking up into the sky. "Not unwelcome. Certainly different from what I am used to."

 "What you're used to?" Mahiru prompted him after a moment.

 "Things at the court can be unbalanced." Kuro said slowly. "And so for the most part we are... unpredictable."

 Forgoing asking who exactly "we" was because he was fairly certain he didn't want to know anyway, Mahiru frowned darkly, remembering the shattered stalls and engulfing flames he had so barely escaped earlier."You seemed like a psycho."

 Kuro laughed happily. "That sounds like a compliment!"

 "It's not." Mahiru said flatly. "Psycho is bad." He too glanced around the small room quickly, taking in the limited space and lack of guest furniture. "So now what? I accept that you are some kind of- of- mythical creature. But I do not accept that I am stuck with you."

 "Whether you accept or not is of no consequence." Kuro sang, reaching out and plucking a sweater from where it lay draped over the foot of the bed. "We have a contract." He began to twist it back and forth, inspecting it from every angle, eyes wide in puzzlement.

 "About that. I didn't agree to any contract. So I don't really think it's legally binding." Mahiru crossed his arms, attempting his best impersonation of authority.

 Kuro shrugged, pulling the sweater over his head, horns turning to a bright translucent fog for a moment to allow for the collar to pass over them, and smiled, something quick and genuine, and Mahiru felt his heart skip a beat. "Unfortunate for you then that the fae do not care for legality."

It was an hour later, Mahiru standing in front of the cupboard contemplating it's bare shelving, that he finally admitted to himself that he was not the best at entertaining visitors. Not even a spare loaf of bread. He slammed the door shut in frustration and glanced into the living room, finding Kuri still curled up on the couch, eyes glued to the TV. Mahiru had turned it on in desperation about forty minutes ago and Kuro had not moved since. It was currently airing some strange episodic gum commercial but judging by Kuro's expression you would have thought it was a documentary of the end of the world.

 "How do they do this?" Kuro asked suddenly and Mahiru turned fully, watching as he pointed to the screen upon which was a helicopter view of the city.

 "Do what?"

 "Record this? Is that what you called it? It's so detailed!"

 Mahiru wandered closer, unable to ignore the impulse and peered over Kuro's shoulder. "You said you were some magical being but you've never seen a TV? Where have you been all this time?"

 "In the woods, mostly." Kuro answered casually. "It seems I should have ventured farther into town sooner!"

 Briefly imagining the utter devastation Kuro would have wrought unchecked had he indeed entered the heart of the town Mahiru held back a shiver and shook his head. "No. No way. You are way too much trouble."

 "It is not I that wishes for such destruction." Kuro said, flicking his sharp gaze up to Mahiru. "I only embody what you desire."

 "You keep saying that." Mahiru muttered, looking away in discomfort. "Listen. Do you need food? Or..." He trailed off in embarrassment, completely gobsmacked that the next words were about to leave his mouth. "Or are you actually a vampire?"

 "Vampire." Kuro rolled the word around for a moment and shrugged. "Call me what you will. You humans have always had such curious need to name everything. Regardless, it will not change that I simply am."

 Mahiru sighed. He really was getting so tired of all this mystical bullshit. "So then, did you want to get dinner?"

 Kuro froze, his shoulders going taut beneath the blanket he had huddled up in. "Dinner?" His eyes were darting from side to side as though in worry, though there was nothing but an innocuous soap opera preview on.

 "Yeah? You know, we go somewhere and get food? I honestly hate the idea of bringing you in public, but I don't have anything here." Mahiru admitted, frowning. "You have to behave."

 "Ah, I see." Kuro turned, fixing Mahiru with a strange look. "You need to eat then?"

 "I take it, based on this conversation that you don't actually require food." Mahiru muttered sarcastically. "But yes, I'm hungry."

 "Very well. Let's go." Kuro stood in one quick move, the blanket falling from his shoulders and to the couch and Mahiru flinched back a step, having completely forgotten just how tall Kuro really was. At his jerking retreat, Kuro raised a brow and a mocking smile flew across his face. "Do you truly find me so frightening?"

 An immediate affirmation withered on Mahiru's tongue as he studied Kuro's expression. It was neutral and empty but somewhere, deep beneath the veneer of indifference, he thought he could see a wiggling of disappointment. He didn't know what possessed him to do what he did, or even why he would care to do so in the first place but he found himself snorting and reaching out to wrap his hand around Kuro's wrist, tugging him roughly around the back of the couch and towards the kitchen. "Of course not, idiot. What's scary about you?"

[misc-headcanons]

Oooooooooh I loooove your writing!! I’m so glad I caught your ask box open!!! Can I request Doffy, Katakuri, and Shanks’s s/o collapsing from a dangerously high fever they got from over working please? Either headcanons or scenarios of them being worried/taking care of them please? :D

(You got it! Headcanons are below the cut)

Shanks

When you collapse in the middle of your conversation with him, he manages to catch you before you fall onto the deck. He sees the beads of sweat forming on your forehead and how clammy your skin feels, and when he touches your forehead he realizes what made you fall.

He carries you bridal-style and hustles into the ship’s clinic with you in his arms. While the Red Hair Pirates’ medic checks you out, Shanks is able to keep a relatively calm demeanor. He knows you’re strong, but there’s a hint of tension in his voice when he asks if your fever is a symptom of something more severe.

He spends the next few days sitting at the foot of the clinic bed whenever he has free time; being a Yonko means a lot of responsibilities are on your shoulders, and as much as he wants to be by you 24/7, he just can’t. Though it’s kind of a good thing that he has other things to do, because otherwise he would be constantly worrying about you. The other crewmembers acknowledge this and try to distract Shanks with some light conversation and offer to help out more around the ship, and he’s thankful that his nakama are so eager to try and put him at ease.

While he’s good at hiding it with a joke and a smile, he’s not going to feel okay until you finally wake up from the fever. The first thing he does when he sees you’re awake is check your temperature again, and when your forehead no longer feels hot his shoulders relax. He breathes a small sigh of relief and tucks some of your hair behind your ear with a small smile on his face. “You’ve got no idea how glad I am to see those pretty (e/c) of yours open again.”

The rest of the crew covers for you while you recover, so you don’t have any responsibilites except for getting better. Any time you try to work on something else, Shanks will shake his head, give you a chiding smile and take you back to bed personally.

He tries to be his usual easygoing self, but deep down he’s upset that you were in such pain and that you easily could have died from that fever. He jokes around with you like he normally does, but he finds himself touching you a bit more gently and staring at you when you aren’t looking, thankful that you’re still with him.

Katakuri

His observation Haki clues him in to when you’re about to faint, and he immediately holds his arms out to catch you before you even realize you’re about to collapse. He notes how hot your cheeks and forehead feel, and he orders the nearest Homie to call for someone to help bring down your fever and find out what’s wrong with you.

He lays you down on the nearest comfortable surface (a couch, bed, etc). If there isn’t one, he makes a cushion for you out of mochi. He handles you very gently as if you were made of glass, and his scarf hides the fact that he’s biting his lower lip so hard it’s drawing blood. Katakuri isn’t used to feeling so out of control, and seeing his beloved suddenly collapse has him shaken. He’s mentally cursing himself for not noticing earlier that something was wrong, and he feels like he’s failed to protect you.

A doctor arrives along with Streusen and once the doctor assesses your symptoms, Streusen sets to work on creating a soup that will help you recover. The doctor tells Katakuri that some basic care should be more than enough to reduce the fever, and Katakuri insists on watching over you while you’re ill. He covers you up with his scarf (he doesn’t want anyone else to see you like this), carries you to his room, and carefully props you up onto his bed. No matter how long you’re sick, he refuses to sleep until your fever is brought down and you’re well again.

He mainly just watches over you while the doctor and various Homies tend to you. Initially he wanted to be the one to take care of you, but he realized his size might make things cumbersome (eg. he thought about feeding you Streusen’s soup himself, but he acknowledged that handling such a tiny bowl and spoon would probably lead to him spilling it all over you). He does put cold compresses on your head, and every half hour on the dot he’ll feel your temperature to see if you feel any better.

When you finally do recover, he refuses to leave your side and is constantly on guard in case you’re about to faint again. If you so much as trip a little on a stray tile, he’s ready to catch you and call for the doctor at a moment’s notice. You can also forget about taking care of any of your normal responsibilities and work; if Katakuri sees you trying to get out of bed, he just silently picks you up and places you back under the covers. It can be a little overwhelming and frustrating to have him hovering over you, but he’s desperate to not fail as your protector. And you have to admit... it is nice having him carry you everywhere whenever you feel a bit exhausted and achey.

Doflamingo

Doffy’s having an afternoon lunch with you on one of the patios of his castle in Dressrosa when you start to feel something...off. You’re suddenly fatigued and uncomfortably warm, but you don’t want to bother Doflamingo (he doesn’t like seeing weakness in the people close to him, and unfortunately that includes his s/o) so you try to hide your discomfort.

He starts to suspect you’re hiding something from him the more you struggle to speak with him. Your smile is clearly strained, and you’re sweating despite the cool weather. It bothers him that you’d even attempt to hide something from him, but he doesn’t let it show.

When a few servants come to clear your dishes, you stumble getting out of your chair and collapse onto the floor. The maid screams but manages not to drop anything, and Doffy orders her to send for a doctor. She scurries out of the room, dishes stacked in one hand while she cups her other hand and yells for a doctor to come to Doflamingo’s room.

Doflamingo briefly wonders if the royal chef had poisoned your meal, but he can’t come up with a reason for why he’d do that. Still, the thought of killing him just in case is in the back of his mind as he picks you up. Your face is alarmingly hot, and he carries you over his shoulder before laying you down on his bed.

When the doctor arrives, she quickly examines you and says that it’s a common seasonal fever that should go down in a few days with some proper care. Doflamingo has the entire medical staff of the castle working round the clock to tend to your every need, and he orders one of his servants to update him any time your condition changes. He’s got too much work to do to watch over you himself, but he makes sure your every need is tended to while you’re sick.

When you’re finally better, he corners you and asks you if you were trying to hide how sick you were, and you shyly admit that you were. He’s relieved that you were just covering up your symptoms and not keeping any other secret from him, but he makes sure to watch you more closely (expect a royal escort following you wherever you go). If he sees any sign that you’re overworking yourself, he may just tell you that you don’t have to do any work for him ever again; he’ll just order you to stay in the castle and lounge all day in something sexy, and your only real “duty” would be to “comfort” him at the end of the day. Or multiple times a day, considering how...passionate he is.

If overworking is what made you so ill, he’d gladly just turn you into his little pet concubine. Honestly, he really wanted to do that anyway, so the fever was just a way to convince you it’s because he’s looking out for your well-being. I mean, he is...kind of, but it’s mainly about what he wants for you. If you tried to protest after your first few days of recovery and still work hard like you used to, he’s not above using his Devil Fruit to force you to relax and lie down in bed while you recover. Doffy is very possessive of his lovers, and he can’t have you dying on him from some random illness. You’re his, and he doesn’t want to lose you to anything, much less something as mundane as a high fever.

[onwardintolight]

Read it on FFN here

~~~

Leia woke up late to the sound of wailing.

Ben’s wailing, coming from the living quarters.

Karabast, she muttered under her breath. What time was it?

She checked her chrono. 1230.

Ugh. Again?

Blinking back the sleep that threatened to pull her under once more, she groaned as she sat up.

Ben’s cries came more fiercely now, mixed with a few choice babbled syllables he’d been trying on for size lately. The cold, empty spot beside her in bed told her Han was out there with him. That was a relief. Their son had an escape artist streak; at least this time he wasn’t crawling around the house all on his own, looking to see how much trouble he could get into. Still, her heart sank. They were all about equal parenting, but it seemed like Han had been shouldering the greater burden as of late.

She fixed her eyes on the light streaming through the window, trying to get them to adjust. It didn’t really help. Her head still hurt; the room was still blurry. She forced herself to get up anyway.

Han looked at her apologetically when she finally lurched into the living quarters. “I was tryin’ to let you sleep,” he said. “I guess this little ruffian had other ideas. ‘M sorry, sweetheart.” Inexplicably, Ben had already stopped crying; he was now contentedly perched on Han’s hip, tugging at his hair.

“I’m sorry, Han, I should have been up hours ago; I should never have made you take care of Ben this long—”

“Hey,” he interrupted, acting affronted. “Made me? I chose to spend time with this little guy.” He ruffled Ben’s hair. “Besides, you needed to get some rest.”

She didn’t argue; she was too tired, and it would be a losing battle, anyway. He knew she’d been staying up half the night lately, unable to sleep. For no good reason, she thought angrily. It wasn’t so much that she couldn’t get any sleep when she lay down; it was that somehow, dragging herself into bed seemed like a near impossible task. She’d distract herself with pointless research or dumb holonet shows, watching the hours tick by, too weary to go through her bedtime rituals, too anxious to let her mind rest. Too afraid to face the possibility of another nightmare.

“Rest is overrated,” she grumbled. “I need some caf.”

She headed for the kitchen, but Han stepped in her way. “I’ve got it, sweetheart. You go sit down.”

She tried to step around him, but he blocked her again. Her ire spiked. “Han, stop it.”

“Go sit down.”


“Why? How incapable do you think I am? Last I checked, I don’t have the virus.”

“Leia—”

“Just let me do it.”

He raised his free arm placatingly. “Okay. Sure.” He stepped aside, frowning. She had probably pissed him off, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She stepped into the kitchen and fumbled around in the cabinets for the ground caf. There wasn’t much left in the container, she noted with alarm. She should have ordered some more days ago. The way everything was in the galaxy right now, it would take forever to arrive. Somehow, the prospect of less caf over the coming days made her feel breathless, almost dizzy. She leaned against the counter, trying to get ahold of herself.

She was almost always on edge these days. Funny how the end of her time as a soldier didn’t signal the end of that. Truth be told, she didn’t know how to stop being that way.

It had gotten better, for a time—it had taken awhile for things to settle down before she had Ben, and in the meantime her Jedi training had helped her learn new techniques to calm herself (even if it simultaneously stirred up some deeper fears). Then there was that honeymoon phase of life with their new little family, that shaky and awkward but ultimately hopeful step she and Han had taken together into new territory. It had been a deeply happy experience overall, even if hard at times. Being together was a gift, thanks to a galaxy newly at peace, and she had treasured this weird, messy, beautiful, strangely domestic era in their life. She would miss it, when it was gone.

But all the same, she yearned to get back to work. She felt in her bones that she still had more to give to the galaxy, if only she had the opportunity. Han was itching to get back in the cockpit, too. It was past time to forge a new normal with her family, where they could all be who they fully were as they found new ways to grow and love together.

Apparently the galaxy had different plans.

During her parental leave, she’d taken time off because she chose to, and she’d been okay with that. She’d never expected this pandemic to come in later and take so many choices away. When people started getting sick on Corellia, no one had guessed how quickly it would spread, stopping the whole galaxy in its tracks. They’d been quarantining now for almost a month, and she didn’t know how much longer she could stand it. She even found herself missing the polite, insistent prattling of her protocol droid, T-2LC, who lately more often than not sat powered down in their home office with nothing to do.

Unfortunately, even if it weren’t for the pandemic, she had still been semi-exiled from the Republic government. Oh, it wasn’t as though it were official or anything—people still treated her with utmost respect, and she still counted several of those in leadership, Mon Mothma and Ackbar in particular, as dear friends. But the truth of the matter was that she had been gradually, quietly sidelined, ever since Kashyyyk. She did not regret in the slightest her actions at the time, but her angry outbursts and rogue behavior were not forgotten. The new government had truly taken off after the Battle of Jakku, right around the time Ben was born, and she had missed out on much of that formative time. After her parental leave was over, she had simply not been invited back.

That hurt.

Despite all that, she’d done her best to liason with the Alderaanian remnant, to take care of their needs and ensure they had adequate representation on Chandrila. In fact, she still had work to do on that, even if the virus had put much on hold.

But lately, she’d been doing nothing. She’d just been sitting around at home: restless, fatigued, and oddly enough, terrified.

The daylight outside the kitchen window disappeared into clouds, dimming everything around her.

It was strange. She’d been through countless battles; she’d seen so many horrors. And yet here she was, with a different kind of fear, one that seemed to have gripped her in ways deeper than she could have imagined. Not fear of the pandemic, per se, though of course she was worried about her family, about everyone she cared about, about the entire galaxy.

No, even more than that, Leia was terrified of who she was, of what she’d become. She hardly recognized the woman in the mirror anymore. The woman who was no longer consumed by the fight for galactic justice. The woman who had nowhere to channel her grief anymore, and no giant, all-important cause to distract her. She was alone with herself, now, and the longer this went on, the more she hated herself.

Swallowing, she forced herself to move. She dipped a measuring spoon into the ground caf, brought it to the caf maker. Her hand was unsteady, though; some spilled out on the counter. She muttered a curse under her breath and stabbed at the controls to get the thing running. It would do.

This pandemic had stirred something deep inside her. Instinct had kicked in—she needed to be back on the front lines, leading, making a difference. She needed to fight. But she couldn’t fight, not this time. Not when the enemy was a virus instead of an evil Empire. She felt desperate to do something besides sitting locked away at home. She’d always done something. But there was nothing for her to do now, no role they wanted her to fill. None of her skills that might be useful were needed. The true soldiers, this time, were the medics, the farmers and food suppliers, the workers providing what everyone needed.

She couldn’t fight. But she couldn’t seem to make herself back away from it, either. She was stuck.

The air felt heavy, thick. The smell of caf filled the room. She stared half-seeing as it slowly dripped into the carafe.

Why?

Why couldn’t she back down? Why couldn’t she just be content with isolating with her family? That was what was needed of her, after all. That was the way she was making a difference.

The problem was, it didn’t feel like enough.

It was never enough.

As long as she was fighting, she could at least say she was working to make Alderaan’s sacrifice count. Working to atone for her part in all that.

No, she challenged herself. That’s not how this works; you know better, now.

She sighed and turned away, shaking her head. She didn’t blame herself as much as she used to. At least, not on the surface. She’d come a long way since those first few years, in no small part thanks to Han. But still, shame had settled inside her core and refused to budge, no matter what she told it; it was shaped like a pointed finger forever turned inward, whispering of “should haves” and “should nows,” never letting her rest.

Those whispers had only gotten stronger lately, as the paralysis set in. The feeling of being trapped between fight or flight had settled on her as a heavy weight. She was depressed, she’d come to realize with a shock. It was hardly the first time, but she didn’t ever remember it being so destructive to her functionality, not even at her lowest of lows. In addition, her anxiety was hitting insane levels. Wartime levels; maybe even higher. Little things made her jump, took her right back—a sound that reminded her of blaster fire. The smell of something burning. The unexpected chime of the door. Ben’s cries.

For kriff’s sake, a slight note of anger in Han’s voice was nearly enough to make her panic and react to him in ways she hadn’t in years. Any hint of disappointment or even simple requests could send her into a meltdown, as she tried to prove to him (and even more so, to herself) that she really was capable, that she wasn’t as much to blame for everything as some inner part of her clearly still thought.

The clouds outside drew closer, and she felt, more than heard, a faint, distant rumble. For a moment, she remembered lightning on Appenza Peak, her old bedroom windows thrown open to see it. She pushed the image away.

To Han’s credit, he seemed to have caught on that something was amiss with her, moreso than normal. He’d been taking on even more responsibility with Ben lately, not snapping back (well, at least not usually), and treating her with vastly more grace than she felt like she deserved. His attempt to let her sleep in this morning warmed her heart, but at the same time, it speared her through with guilt like a blaster bolt. She should be better than this.

Where was the Leia that sucked it up and helped saved the galaxy? Where was the Leia who had commanded troops and put her life on the line again and again? Yes, that Leia had suffered greatly and had been dealing with no small amount of PTSD, but somehow she’d gotten through and fought despite it all. Perhaps that Leia would have stayed up most of the night as she’d done the night before—probably intent on the distraction of supply charts and strategies instead of wandering their flat aimlessly—but that Leia would have also forced herself awake the next morning and worked until she practically made herself sick.

That Leia had definitely not been healthy, but she was functional.

At least that Leia got stuff done.

Now, she was useless. She was just as haunted by everything that had happened, if not more so, but she had nothing to do, nowhere to run.

Nowhere to run. Trapped.

Her neck was hurting again, and her arm—the places the torture droids had once injected her. The muscles in her shoulders and back felt tense, hard as a rock. She had a headache. The room spun a little. In fact, the room seemed not quite there. Was she really here?

“Leia?” Han appeared in the doorway, Ben still on his hip.

“I… I think I need to go sit down,” she mumbled.

He nodded, brows knit. “I’ll bring you a cup of caf when it’s done.”

She stumbled over to the couch, feeling vaguely relieved as it embraced her. Idly, she watched as the sky outside grew darker, more ominous. Force, she hoped it would storm. She could hardly take the thick stillness.

Minutes passed. She heard the sound of the caf maker finishing its work, Han rummaging in the cabinet, liquid being poured into a mug. He brought it out to her, and she took it, set it on the table beside her to cool. She sat back, hands over her eyes against the pressure, and managed a nod. “Thanks, darling,” she murmured.

He was being so sweet, so caring, and she was so, so grateful for him.

She also hated it. She hated that she had put him in a position where he felt like he had to do everything for her and Ben. Where he had to take care of her as if she were another child. He was suffering, too; aching to get back out among the stars, haunted by the reports of the sick and dying in the slums of his old homeworld. She should have been able to deal with all this herself.

But… she couldn’t. Not right now. Everything hurt. She could barely even catch a good breath, for kriff’s sake. She tried breathing in and out, slowly and deeply. Did it help? Perhaps a little, but it was hard to tell. All she wanted to do was curl up in a fetal position and just… not be there. Not be her, this new, useless Leia. She started to curl in on herself, but then she remembered curling up in a ball on the floor of the Death Star cell, and she stopped.

No.

She could almost feel the gaze of the cell guards, hear the breath of Vader. Instead, she leaned forward and focused on her breathing again—how was it possible that it was even shallower than before?

“Sweetheart? You okay?” Han’s voice came through the static in her head.

She started to nod, hands still over her eyes, then stopped. After a moment, she shook her head no instead. She felt deeply ashamed, but that was the truth of the matter—she wasn’t okay. Not at all.

Vaguely, she heard Ben babbling on the floor, the sound of him handling and biting some things that were most likely toys. Han must have distracted him for the moment. She decided she didn’t have the energy to care all that much what Han had given him to play with; she’d trust his judgment for now.

“Turn around,” Han said, sitting beside her. She felt his hands start to rub at her neck, her shoulders. She let out a shaky breath. It felt so good.

His touch was also real, here, now—unlike Vader, the guards, the cell, or that room of horrors in Cloud City. She remembered the exercises Luke had taught her, and she tuned into the sensations, focusing on them, letting everything else fall away. Emptying herself of all but this moment, his hands, her muscles… she was a cup to be filled up.

Her breath finally slowed, deepened, and tears filled her eyes. Gratitude, relief, frustration, grief… it all threatened to spill out. Her breath hitched again.

“Breathe, Leia. It’s okay.”

“What the hell is wrong with me?” she whispered. “I’m so sorry, Han, I don’t know why I’m like this, I don’t know who I am anymore….” She turned and lay her head on his shoulder, and he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her.

“Sweetheart,” he said finally, “you’ve been through a hell of a lot of trauma. My guess? Now that you’re forced to relax, now that you can’t fight, it’s all tryin’ to come out, shoutin’ at you to deal with it. That’s probably a good thing, you know, because it means you’re safe now. You’ve gotta take some time to heal.”

Reluctantly, she nodded. She recognized the truth in his words. He’d clearly learned a lot in his own therapy sessions post-carbonite, as much as he’d complained about them. Maybe it was time to look into that for herself again, too. She could hardly be any more of a mess.

“I… I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I don’t know how to deal with it. I’ve been a terrible person to be around, lately, and I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I can’t just manage—“

“Sshhh,” he said. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I know. We’re in this together, okay? Let me help you. Let me help you rest.”

“I can’t, there’s so much I should—”

“I’m serious. You need to rest.” Han sighed. “You’re already a hero, Leia. You’ve helped save the whole goddamn galaxy. It’s okay to rest now. You need it.”

Leia stared at the wall. Then, finally, in a small voice, she said, “I’m afraid if I let myself rest, I’ll never be able to rise up and do what I need to do again.” A few moments passed; when she continued, her voice was edged with panic. “What if this is actually the real me? What if I never fully deal with it? What if I just… waste away, and become someone people pity?” She blinked back tears again. “I can’t stand the thought of people’s pity. Like, ‘Oh, she fought in the war, she was a great leader, it’s a shame what she’s let herself become—’”

“Leia, stop it. First of all, no way is anyone gonna pity you like that. Again, you’re a hero. You will always be a hero. People know who you really are—” he held up a hand to stop her from interrupting—“and that person is the person I still see before me right now. Someone’s who’s incredibly strong. Someone who will always fight for what’s right. Someone who, right now, is fighting a battle inside that’s, oh I dunno, at least as big as any she’s ever fought on the outside. It’s just that now, fighting looks like rest, like sleeping in late, like letting your husband help you. Like cuddling and feeding and loving on a baby. Like muddling through the day however you can while processing all the hell you’ve been through.”

The tears were falling, now. Leia shut her eyes, burying her head into Han’s chest. She tried to let his words sink in.

“We’re a team, Leia,” Han said, his voice filled with conviction. “Things are hard right now, but we’ll get through this together. You don’t have to have it all figured out on your own.”

She exhaled, nodding silently. She’d probably need to be reminded again before long, but for now, his words were enough to fade some of the shame.

A flash came, then a low rumble. Shakily, she stood up and walked over to the window, watching as the first few drops of rain pattered against it. Han followed, coming up to put his arm around her as they looked out on the storm together. She leaned against him.

It calmed her, somehow, seeing the tumult outside. It always had. She could almost smell the rain, feel the rush of the wind. She half wanted to rush out on their bedroom balcony and let it all drench her. Unfortunately, she was all too aware that their flat was near the top of one of Hanna City’s few towers.

Maybe she would later, once the lightning had passed. She would go out with Han, Ben in her arms, and teach her son how to laugh in the rain.

Her breaths were starting to come more fully now.

“Mama,” a little voice said, and she felt a tug at her pant leg. Ben had crawled over and was holding his arms up to her. She reached down and picked him up, pulled him into her embrace.

“I love you,” she whispered, and her heart felt suddenly full. He wriggled around, untamed as always, twisting in her arms so he could look out the window along with them, mouth open wide in wonder.

“Da,” he said, pointing a chubby little finger at the wild sky.

A bolt of lightning shrieked down from the clouds, followed by a clap of thunder that shook the whole flat. She caressed Ben’s curly head, ready to offer comfort. No need; he seemed to be enjoying the show as much as she was.

Another bolt of lightning struck the outskirts of the city, spectacular in its vivid starkness. For a moment, she felt like a finger of that light was breaking through, piercing the dense, sluggish dark inside her, leaving a far deeper imprint than the silhouette still burning in her eyes.

It was right then that she knew it: this heaviness wouldn’t last forever. Someday, perhaps not as long as she feared, this time of intense processing would be over. She’d get up from her rest, get back to being her more functional self again, and work once more to heal all the wrongs of the galaxy. Perhaps by then, she’d be doing it wholler, wiser. More healed, herself. And maybe, just maybe, the galaxy would be even better for it.

But in the meantime, she would tend to her wounds and embrace the lightning as it came.

In the meantime, she would finally learn how to rest.

~

~

~

Notes:

Thanks for taking the time to read this! I hope it encourages you like it did me, especially in these uncertain times when so many of us are dealing with the trauma of our own pandemic.

I literally wrote this as part of my own therapy for PTSD, so please be kind. If you are considering leaving a comment about how this "proves" Han and Leia were bad parents or that you think Leia would never struggle like this or need time to process her trauma, please refrain and take your false and harmful negativity elsewhere. It's hard enough for anyone struggling with PTSD to take the time to heal as it is. Thank you.

For those of you who are struggling with PTSD and/or other mental health issues, I see you. You are not weak; you are strong. You are fighting an incredibly difficult battle. It's okay if you weren't productive today. It's okay to rest. It's okay to take the time to heal. You are worth so much.

[hysterialevi]

His Name Was Isaac - Ch. 12

Fanfic summary: During a mission to avenge his mother’s death, Isaac hunts down the men responsible for her murder and kills them off one-by-one, only to discover that his last target is taking refuge among the Van der Linde gang. In an attempt to kill them, Isaac attacks the gang and unknowingly becomes enemies with his own father, who is in the process of fighting his own battle for redemption.

Point of view: third-person

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This story is also on AO3

THAT EVENING

NEAR OWANJILA LAKE

“What do you mean Joe’s dead?” Dutch asked, his tone sounding more feral with every word.

“I mean Arthur killed him!” Bill reiterated. “Shot him right in the face when no one was looking.”

The other man glanced at Micah, watching as the man rested on a nearby bedroll.

“And Micah?” He asked.

“Isaac attacked him as soon as Joe was shot.” Bill explained. “Cut him straight through the eye. Micah nearly killed the boy after that. Almost drowned him in the river, but Arthur managed to pull him off. Gave him one hell of a beating. Then, he sent me back here.”

Dutch looked at him with bewilderment. “And you just left?”

Bill threw his hands in the air. “Well, what else was I supposed to do, Dutch? You know Arthur. That man’s a beast. You raised him, after all. As for his son, let’s just say the apple don’t fall far from the tree. He ain’t nearly as strong as his pa, but he’s goddamn crazy. I’d have been killed if I stuck around.”

Dutch sighed in frustration and turned away from Bill, annoyed at the dead-end he suddenly found himself facing.

He knew Arthur wouldn’t be easy to take down -- that was no surprise -- but the fact that he killed one of his men and nearly beat another to death sent Dutch into a state of panic.

If Micah, Bill, and Joe couldn’t bring Arthur back by themselves, what the hell were they supposed to do now? Their gang was short one man, and Micah was in no condition to be going after anybody at the moment.

Dutch would have to find Arthur himself. He may have been sick, and he may have been dying, but he knew that man better than any of these fools. He knew how Arthur thought.

It was going to take more work than he initially anticipated to bring that man down, but Dutch was sure he could do it.

He just needed more time.

“So?” Bill questioned. “Where do we go from here, Dutch?”

Dutch brought his focus back to Williamson, his cold eyes seemingly gazing straight through him.

“We wait. Now that the three of you have alerted Arthur, he and the boy are gonna have their guard up. So we’ll give ‘em some space to breathe for now. Let them think that we ain’t a threat no more. In the meantime, we’ll allow Micah to recover from his wounds, and think of a plan. We’re gonna need it. Men like Arthur don’t just give up.”

Bill offered no objections. “Yeah, well... neither do you, Dutch.”

The man nodded at that, patting Bill on the shoulder. “You’re goddamn right about that, son. I ain’t givin’ up anytime soon. And Arthur’s gonna learn what it means to betray our family. I just need you and Micah to be with me, and I need no more mistakes. Are we clear on that, Williamson?”

Bill was clearly still hesitant to go against someone like Arthur, but complied nonetheless.

“We’re clear, Dutch.”

“Good. Then if you’ll excuse me...” Dutch began strolling away, “...I have got some thinking to do.”

~~~~~~~~~~

MEANWHILE

DAKOTA RIVER, NORTH OF DIABLO RIDGE

Trudging along the rocky path, Arthur and Isaac rode side-by-side as they followed the current of the river, slowly making their way up to the Grizzlies West.

By now, the sky had transformed into a soft shade of purple and was highlighted with wispy streaks of orange clouds, painting a beautiful contrast above them.

There were no other silhouettes dotting the dark horizon or distant gunshots to fill the air, and so far, everything had gone smoothly ever since their violent encounter with the Van der Linde gang.

Unfortunately though, they still had one other problem to deal with.

And this one wasn’t so easily ignored.

Throwing a silent glance at his father, Isaac felt a tight sense of worry clutching his chest as he watched the man let out another chain of coughs, his breath growing more ragged with every outburst.

Arthur kept insisting that he was fine for the moment and showed no signs of deviating from their plan to head up north, but Isaac wasn’t sure that wandering into the cold was the best idea right now.

Every fiber in his being hated to admit it, but Isaac knew his father was dying. He recalled Micah mentioning something about Dutch being sick not too long ago, and Arthur’s symptoms didn’t seem that different from the old man’s.

Isaac really had no idea where else he could’ve gotten it from or what the illness could’ve been, but one thing was clear to the boy. 

Sooner or later... he was going to lose Arthur. 

The outlaw was going to disappear from his life faster than he jumped back into it, and it made Isaac want to scream at the world for taking yet another one of his parents.

He had just started the process of finally moving on from Eliza’s death, and now, it was as if things had been reset.

Isaac was witnessing the death of his father now -- same as before -- only this time, it was going to be far more painful, and far more drawn out.

 Why was the world doing this to him?

“...It ain’t polite to stare, boy.” Arthur remarked gruffly, causing Isaac to avert his eyes.

“...Sorry.” He replied, his tone firm with anger. “I just... well, never mind.”

The kid didn’t even have to explain what was on his mind. Arthur could already tell.

“Don’t you go givin’ up on me yet, Isaac.” He reminded. “I ain’t goin’ nowhere anytime soon. It’ll take more than a cough to scare me away.”

Isaac gazed at the lively river beside them, his eyes downcast in sorrow.

“I know you’re tough, Dad. You made that pretty clear when you beat Micah to a pulp...” the boy rubbed his neck in remembrance. “But will that be enough?”

Arthur sighed, not wanting to dwell on the subject any longer. “It’ll have to be.”

Falling into an uncomfortable silence, the two of them decided to leave the matter alone for now and trotted quietly down the road as the sky continued to darken above them, instilling a sense of fatigue in them.

Before either of them could go nodding off however, Arthur suddenly felt the need to bring up another topic that had been bothering him and turned to Isaac, hoping to comfort the boy somewhat.

“Hey, Isaac,” he called out, “about what happened earlier with Micah...”

The young man raised a brow. “Yeah?”

Arthur’s face sank with regret. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I know we was in a tough spot back there, and we didn’t really have much choice, but still... I shouldn’t have lost myself like that. Not in front of you. That ain’t the kinda man I want you to be.”

Isaac didn’t appear to share the man’s remorse. “Bastard had it comin’ to him. He betrayed your gang and nearly strangled me right after interrogating me. S’far as I’m concerned, Micah’s lucky he only got away with a wounded eye after all the shit he’s pulled.”

“Isaac!” Arthur scolded. “Look, I know that man’s rotten to the core. He’s always been a rat since he first joined our gang, but we’re better than that. You’re better than that.”

The boy scoffed. “Am I? I’ve robbed people. Killed ‘em. I poisoned an innocent man just so I could get revenge on some sorry fool who had already forgotten me by the time I found him again. From where I’m standing, I’m no more of a saint than any of the people we’ve fought.”

“Now you know that ain’t true.” Arthur replied. “We’ve all done bad things. Myself included. But you’ve got a kind heart, Isaac. That much is clear.”

Contrary to what the older man expected, that only seemed to annoy Isaac more.

“What good is a kind heart if it just gets everyone around you killed in the end? Micah may be rotten, but at least he knows how to survive. He knows it ain’t worth it tryin’ to get close with people. I wish I knew better.”

The other man blinked in confusion. “What’re you talkin’ about? Survival’s fine and dandy, but there’s more to it, Isaac. You gotta have a reason to survive. And if you don’t have anyone to care about, well then, frankly I don’t see a reason.”

Isaac scowled at that. “Yeah, you wouldn’t.”

Arthur found himself at a loss for words. “What’s gotten into you? One minute you’re askin’ me if we should kill Micah for everything he’s done, and the next, you’re sayin’ you wish you were more like him? That ain’t like you.”

Isaac shook his head in irritation. “How would you even know what ‘I ain’t like?’ We were practically strangers when I was a kid. You was always runnin’ off with some gang, or doing a job that was more important than us. You don’t know the first thing about me. I’ve had horses in my life longer than I’ve had you.”

The older man stopped in his tracks at that and lowered his voice, glaring directly at Isaac.

“...Watch your mouth, boy.” He warned sternly. “Now listen, I don’t know what the hell’s goin’ on with you today, Isaac, but you better shape up. I know we’re both still stressed from the fight this morning, but we are tryin’ to survive out here, and the last thing I need is for you to be pushin’ against me like this. So get your head straight or I’ll straighten it for you. You hear me?”

Isaac hardly seemed fazed by Arthur’s words and simply tapped his horse’s reins, walking ahead of the other man.

“Yeah. Sure.”

Watching Isaac solemnly trot further down the trail, Arthur decided to put some space between them for now and followed the young man from behind, confused as to why he was acting like this all of the sudden.

It was obvious Isaac was upset about something, but what? He seemed perfectly fine this morning, even after their fight with the Van der Lindes, and Arthur knew it took more than a beating to get Isaac’s spirits down. So what was going on with him?

Perhaps all the memories of his childhood were just starting to come back? Because as annoyed as Arthur was with the boy right now, he couldn’t deny that Isaac had a point. 

He was hardly ever around when that man was still a child. He made an effort to be near him every few months or so, but Isaac never had a reliable father figure growing up. Hell, the closest thing to a father he had back then was Shay... and he hated him.

Maybe Isaac still hadn’t quite forgiven Arthur for being absent all those years. He could act tough all he wanted, but the older man knew how much that boy really cared about his family. So it was no surprise to him that Isaac would be standoffish about losing him. Arthur just didn’t understand why these feelings were coming up now.

He supposed Isaac would tell him when he was ready. If that kid was anything like his father, then Arthur assumed he wouldn’t appreciate being pushed to open up about certain things.

Still, Arthur couldn’t deny that he was worried. This was the only chance he had to do right by his son, and so far, it seemed like everything was going wrong.

He just hoped he wasn’t pushing the kid away. Being a father was turning out to be much more daunting than he expected, and the last thing Arthur wanted to do was guide his son down the same path that he took.

Isaac had the potential to be more than that. He just couldn’t see it.

~~~~~~~~~~

ONE HOUR LATER

WEST OF WALLACE STATION

Sitting on a short stump, Arthur gazed out at the sea of trees dominating the horizon as a bundle of stars began to light up above them, giving the sky a soft, pale glow.

At the moment, he was drawing in a new journal that he had purchased at Wallace Station and was working on a sketch of the landscape, hoping to escape his worries for the time being.

Meanwhile, Isaac got some rest next to the campfire and slept on a bedroll, allowing his incessant dreams to carry him away as Aldo stood protectively nearby.

The two of them hadn’t said a word to each other ever since their little spat earlier, and were taking some time apart from one another. The boy appeared to be just as irritated as before, and Arthur -- being the inquisitive man that he was -- couldn’t stop wondering what it was that he did to make Isaac so upset.

He let out a sigh and began scribbling some words next to his drawing, trying to get his thoughts in order.

“Oh, Hosea... I certainly wish you was here right now. You wouldn’t believe what’s happened in the past few days. You remember Eliza? That waitress I used to be with all them years ago? Well, I found our son again. I found Isaac. Turns out he’s still alive, and he seems to be doing okay, if a bit troubled. I think you’d like him.”

“Problem is, I don’t know the first thing about being a parent. That’s why I wish you was still around. You and Dutch -- the two of you always seemed to know what to do with me. It felt like you always had the answers.”

“But me... it seems like with every attempt I make to protect the boy, the worse things get. We got Pinkertons chasing us down, the Van der Lindes trying to kill us around every corner, and I’ve started to develop this cough that won’t go away. I think I’m getting sick, just like Dutch.”

Arthur set his pencil down and dragged a hand down his face, taking a breath before continuing to write.

“What the hell am I going to do? I love Isaac more than life itself, but... things are getting heated between us. I think the boy’s angry at me. He’s started pushing me away all of the sudden, and the worst part is, I can’t even say he’s fully unjustified. I know I didn’t do right by him as a kid. I was always too occupied with our gang that I left Isaac alone. I wasn’t there when he needed me.”

“But I don’t plan on making the same mistake twice. Even if Isaac comes out of this hating me, I still want to be the father he deserves. I want to be the father that you were to me, Hosea.”

“I just wish I knew where to begin.”

Shutting his journal closed, Arthur decided to call it a day and stood up from the stump, rolling his shoulders as he strolled back to the campfire.

It looked like Isaac was out cold for the night and didn’t even twitch when Arthur stepped near him, but even then, the older man could see the grip of a revolver poking out from underneath his hand.

Part of him wanted to wake the young man up and set things straight between them, but Arthur knew he’d probably just end up aggravating Isaac even more if he did that.

So, instead, he simply made his way over to his own bedroll and tried to get some shut-eye, preparing himself for the long road ahead.

Tomorrow would be the start of the toughest part of their journey, and if things went according to schedule, Arthur expected they’d be wandering into the colder regions of Ambarino before long.

He wasn’t eager to go back into the snowy mountains that killed Jenny and Davy, but if they could cross the border, then they’d finally be free men.

The goal of their journey was drawing near, and now more than ever, Arthur was fervent in protecting Isaac. He may not’ve had much time left in this world, but he was going to see to it that the boy made it out okay.

If anything happened to Isaac, well... Arthur didn’t know what he’d do.

That kid was everything to him now, and he suspected he wouldn’t be able to bear it if he lost him a second time.

He’d never forgive himself, and neither would Eliza.

[ayma-nidiot]

“Don’t Speak Their Names” - Shrimpshipping fic Chapter 29

This chapter can be found here on AO3.

Author’s Note: This chapter will have implied Prideshipping, as will a small number of subsequent chapters. I will put warnings for when that happens.

Also suicide TW.

Chapter 29 - Peacemaker

~29 November 2005~ 

“Ugh, Doc, can I leave yet?” Rex whined after Dr. Balls had just finished a checkup at the off-campus hospital. “I feel like I’ve spent most of my college life in the hospital. I’ve already been here long enough when I had morning sickness. I wanna go have fun like every other freshman.”

“Unfortunately, that’s what happens when you’re about to have a child, young man,” Ptera spoke sternly. “You’re about to become a mom, and you need to act like it. You need to be a good role model for your daughter, and that includes not treating college like it’s a place just to go party.”

“Nag, nag. I got all my homework and projects done, didn’t I? I even got an A on one of my tests for biology class. I’ve never done that before! And while I’m hospital-bound too! Aren’t you proud of me, Mom?”

Ptera ruffled her son’s hair. “Well, I suppose I can’t expect you to turn into mom of the year overnight. But work on it, okay?”

Dr. Balls spoke up, “As your doctor, I won’t try to parent you. But I will say that you are good to go after today.”

“What, really?” Rex would have jumped out of bed if Ptera didn’t hold him down in it.

“Yes, but do not push yourself too hard - mentally or physically. Even though you’ve only got four weeks left in your pregnancy, it’s in your baby’s best interest to avoid going into labour early. And you need to tell me if anything - and I mean literally anything - goes awry. Is that clear?”

“Crystal, Doc. If he forgets, you can be sure that I’ll remember.”

“Much faith in me, Mom. Much faith.”

“Papa! Papa!” Amber could be heard shouting all the way from the first floor, along with the stomps of dozens of soldiers.

“Hey!” Dr. Balls shouted down the hallway. “No running in the hospital! I don’t care who you are!”

“I’m so sorry, Doc.” Amber bowed before talking to her mother. “Papa, I’ve just-”

“Not another word, young lady!” Ptera got up, noticing before anyone else just how wounded Amber was. “Look at your arm! And… Is that a broken arrow sticking out of your butt?”

“Amber, please…”

Amber wouldn’t let Dr. Balls or her grandmother sway her. “After almost a month, we finally cornered two of the Earthbound Gods, Wiraqocha Rasca and Ccarayhua! But… But… Hah…”

“DOWN.” Ptera demanded as Amber reluctantly knelt while Dr. Balls tended to her arrow wound. “Now, then, you were saying?”

“Ngh…!” Even though she had a high pain tolerance, Amber nearly cried when she felt alcohol enter her wounds. “They found out what my intentions were before I even revealed myself. There were too many strong monsters... As a result, I’ve already lost some of my men. I intend to go back to the hideout I’ve found once I’ve gathered the rest of the army.”

“I feel like I’ve heard that second funky name somewhere…” Rex looked to the ceiling before deciding that, indeed, he hadn’t actually heard the name. “Eh. Must be my imagination.”

Just then, the building shook so hard, small pieces of rubble rolled into Rex’s room. “Don’t tell me that that’s your imagination too?” Amber yelled as she half-shifted, even before Dr. Balls finished treating her.  “Tch! Looks like those Earthbound Gods found us. ”

“I’m still concerned, but I’m confident that you’ll heal quickly.” Dr. Balls opened a safe in his office, which held his Gravity Axe - Grarl. “Know that I am on your side.”

“All this time, I had no idea… Er, I mean, thanks for the help.”

“I… I can fight too!” Rex stumbled on his way out of bed. “Whoa!”

“Get back in there, you.” Ptera growled.

“That’s right,” Dr. Balls added. “I said you’re good to go starting tomorrow. You shouldn’t be fighting when you’re this close to your due date. Besides, you’re not an especially strong monster; what do you honestly think you could accomplish out there?”

“How dare you?! I’ve still got my Duel Disk and my duelin’ dinos - Urk!” Though he was in far less pain than he was a month ago, Rex was still extremely fatigued and suffered swelling in his feet.

“I think I can make far better use of that Duel Disk than you can,” Ptera declared as she put Rex’s Duel Disk on. “Now, Amber, lead the way.”

“Hmph. Buttmunches, one and all,” Rex grumbled as his family left the campus hospital without him.

Are you really going to let them take all the glory while you sit here like a log? spoke a voice in Rex’s head.

Rex threw the covers over his head, fidgeting and grumbling, hoping the hallucination would go away. He swore to himself that he would tell Dr. Balls about it when he got back from the battle, however long that would take. “Well, why don’t you try caring around a 6-pound sack of rice for eight months, then getting beat to a pulp while you’re at it? ...Wait, who the hell are you, anyway? Another hallucination?”

Please, listen… I am not a hallucination. Rex Leonidas Raptor, hear my plea. You must get out there and talk to Earthbound God Ccarayhua. She doesn’t really want to fight.

“Apparently, you weren’t listening to the part that I said I was eight months pregnant! And you really have no idea who you’re talking to, so let me remind you. I am a ‘shoot first, ask questions later’ kind of guy - a.k.a. I do not ‘talk’ my way out of my problems.”

But your boyfriend, Weevil, is coming, spoke another voice.

Rex froze at the mention of Weevil’s name, and dug himself even further into the bedsheets. “I… I know I’ll have to face him eventually, but… I can’t do it - physically or emotionally. And even if I don’t fight him, someone might kill him before my eyes…” Rex hugged the sheets around him more tightly. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

Just trust us, spoke a third voice. We will protect you.

“...” After a long contemplation, Rex gave in, slowly lowering his feet onto the floor and using the wall as a crutch on his way out. His unborn child squirmed, not allowing him to walk any faster than a snail’s pace. “Okay, but I’ll never forgive you if something happens to either me or my baby!”

While Rex trudged towards the hospital exit, Dr. Balls and his ‘gang’ ran down the long main corridor. “I’ve only read about the eight Earthbound Gods,” he remarked. “I thought they were just a legend. If they’re real and as powerful as I think they are… We’ve got quite a battle on our hands.”

“Yes, but thankfully, we have to deal with only two of them for now,” Amber answered.

“You’ve got quite a battle on your hands, hmm?” spoke a voice, whose source had already summoned his monsters. “Why don’t we help you with that a little bit?”

“Joey! Everyone!” Looking past her family and the Club members, Amber saw her mother’s Red-Eyes Black Dragon defeating some of the lesser enemies already. “...You better not let anything happen to Papa’s Red-Eyes, you hear?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Joey stood back-to-back with Mai as the latter had three of her Harpie Ladies in front of her. 

“These guys…” Mai used her Harpie Lady Phoenix Formation spell; even then, the onslaugh of the enemies seemed endless. “Is it just me, or are they even tougher than last time?”

“So you’re admitting your own weakness?” Joey chuckled.

“Speak for yourself!” Mai scoffed as Joey’s Iron Knight Gearfried fell.

“Okay, okay… Say, Mai. I know I’ve been chicken about it, but…”

“Less talk and more fighting, Joey!” Mai barely dodged out of the way so she could summon her Harpie’s Pet Dragon too, while Joey summoned Gilford the Lightning and Jinzo.

“Joey…” Amber could still fight well enough, even though she stopped to talk to Joey. “Don’t tell me you still haven’t told her in the past month!”

“Told me what? N-Never mind, it can- Ouch!” While running, Mai tripped on a rock, and her three Harpie Ladies perished trying to protect her.

“Mai!” His monsters were already fending off some strong monsters, and Joey had no room left on his Duel Disk to summon more. So without thinking, he jumped in front of Mai to shield her from a direct Cyber Dragon attack. “Aaaaah!” 

“Joey…” Mai still remained unwounded, but Joey suffered abrasions all over his body. While she spoke to Joey, Téa’s and Tristan’s monsters protected them. “You idiot… You could have used your monsters like every other damned duelist on this battlefield!”

“I know what I said about Red-Eyes, but I wouldn’t have minded if you used it to protect Mai.”

“I guess… If I’m gonna die anyway, then… This is as good of a time as any to say it… Mai…” Joey laced his bloody finger’s with Mai’s. “Mai… I love you more than anything else in the world. I… Urk! I just wish I… had told you during the Orichalcos mess. Maybe… Maybe then you wouldn’t have…”

“Joey, shut up!” Mai shut Joey up with a kiss. “You’re gonna make it… I love you too much to let you die here!”

“Aww, how cute!” Seymour, as Wiraqocha Rasca, hovered over the new couple. “Too bad your relationship isn’t going anywhere, because I’m going to kill you here!”

“I’ll let you have that honour, Seymour,” Dip spoke as she continued to attack her enemies in lizard form. “I’ll make sure these weaklings don’t stop you.”

“Joey! Argh, let go of me, you fucktard!” Amber had broken free of the Guarddragon Justicia that held her down, but was too far away from Joey to save him now. 

Yet there was someone who could - a dragon clad in pure white armour and light. “Shining Neutron Blast!”

“Huh. I’ve never heard of that attack name before.” Before Dip could study this new enemy closer, she could hear a baritone voice singing. “Ugh… That song… What’s this, my strength is… fading? Dammit, I can’t hold onto my lizard form!”

“Now… Where have I heard that song before?” Joey lifted his head up to see a young man with cinnamon-coloured skin and spiky brown hair. 

“Aww, that’s kind of mean,” the young man whined as he used healing magic on Joey. “After all the battles you fought with Father and Papa, you don’t remember them?”

“Come to think of it, there’s only one person I’ve ever known that’s used Blue-Eyes Shining Dragon…” Joey still felt tired, but could stand on his feet again. “It’s…”

“Big Bro!” Mokuba hugged Kaiba from behind, recognizing his brother’s dragon form easily. 

“Mokuba, now’s not the time! Save the pleasantries for later!” Kaiba jumped out of the way with Mokuba on his back.

“Hah!” Now that Atem had stopped singing, Seymour could transform back into his condor form. “I really wanted to hear your beautiful song some more! Too bad!”

“I’m more than just a song, you fiend.” Using his DiaDhank, Atem summoned Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl. 

“The dragon… Could he be-”

Before Amber could say another word, Phuckdis and William had just come onto the scene with the rest of the army. “Sorry we’re late, Amber!”

“About time!” Amber backflipped in the air to avoid an attack from Dip. “Help me take down this overgrown lizard, will ya?”

“‘Overgrown lizard…’ Ah!” Upon seeing his sister again, Phuckdis froze in place. “Dip… Is that you?”

“Well, so nice of you to visit after, what? Sixteen fucking years?” Dip set her sights on her brothers. “Why don’t you finish what you started back then?”

“Sister…” William couldn’t move either. “I don’t want to fight you.”

“Oh, that’s rich!” Dip’s attacks got more intense. “You disown me, and then now you say you don’t want to fight? You cowards!”

“William, we need to fight her.” Phuckdis began to fight back, albeit reluctantly. “She’s an Earthbound God.”

“Yes, those were almost the exact same words you used! So come at me with your bullets, Borreload Savage Dragon, and run your dear sister through!”

“W-Wait!” 

“Huh?” Ptera turned around to see a half-shifted Rex hobbling out of the hospital. “Rex! Get the hell back in your room!”

“Oh my fucking gods, Rex, you’re insane! Ggh!” Dr. Balls swung around with his axe, striking the enemy that lunged towards Rex. “Are you trying to give birth in the middle of a battlefield?”

“Mom… Dr. Balls… Please…” Rex tried his best to hide the deep pain he was in. “And you too, Phuckdis. Dip doesn’t want to fight either of you; she’s just very hurt by what you guys did to her.”

“And what the hell would you know, rabbit?” Dip turned her attention to Rex now. “You have no idea what I’ve been through, what being estranged by your ‘family’ feels like!”

“I may not understand you, but I know what it’s like to have your family abandon you… and to reconnect with them after so long. If I can do it, so can you.”

“Rex…” Spinos looked at his son in sorrow for a brief spell before summoning Jurrac Tyrannus and Jurrac Velphito just in time.

“Dip, you told me yourself when I was your prisoner. Don’t you remember? And… And how I told you about what Weeves and I have been through?”

“Ggh…” Dip could feel the darkness in her heart leaving her.

“Stop poisoning her mind, you weak cur!” Seymour readied a beam to fire at Rex.

“It isn’t too late. Just like Weeves did once, you can change your destiny. Join us!”

“Like hell she will! Take this you-” Seymour couldn’t say another word as Dip impaled him with a lizard claw. “Ccarayhua! What are you doing?”

“...” Dip said nothing as she withdrew her claw and reverted forms.

“Damn you, you… traitor… Argh…” 

When all the enemies had been defeated, Rex slowly walked up to Dip, but didn’t touch her. “I knew you would come around and help us!”

“Who’d have thunk that the tyrannical, arrogant Rex Raptor would be a peacemaker?” Joey chuckled. 

“Sh-Shut up!” Rex blushed. “I’ll have you know that I didn’t do it because I wanted to! A nagging voice in my head told me to.”

“It… It did?” Amber sounded curious.

Joey interrupted whatever she was going to say next. “If this ‘nagging voice’ told you to jump off a bridge, would you?”

“It’s not uncommon to experience hallucinations in a pregnancy, but if it becomes frequent… We’re going to need to have a private talk about that later.”

“I’ll take you up on your offer, Doc!” Rex gave Dr. Balls a thumbs up.

“Um…” Dip felt awkward being in the literal middle of this conversation.

Joey turned to their new ally. “Hey, aren’t you technically one of the bad guys? Why should we trust you?”

“ This is why.” Dip lifted up her shirt to reveal several deep scars on her abdomen. “After my brothers disowned me, I was so ashamed of my powers that I tried to kill myself… It turns out that we Earthbound Gods are not capable of doing that. However, the incident left my reproductive system so badly damaged… Now, I’m infertile.”

“So you can’t have kids with Daddy.” Amber still wasn’t wholly convinced. “And you think that’s a good enough reason?”

“If it pleases you, Lady Amber, you can kill me as soon as you suspect me. You’re welcome, by the way, for killing an Earthbound God for you.”

“I…” Amber had to admit that killing Seymour was a good enough reason in and of itself. “Okay, we accept you. But you better not chicken out when it’s time to kill the other Gods.”

“L-Like, right now?” Joey shook his finger at the changing sky above them. “Where have I seen that spider symbol before?”

“It’s the Mark of Uru…” Amber’s eyes opened wide. “Daddy is coming!”

“Weevil…” Rex trembled in place, hugging his baby bump. “I’m not ready to face him yet!”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to be.” So Dip said, but after trying to transform, she found she had no will to do so. “Dammit! Why can’t I…?”

Dr. Balls couldn’t hold onto his animal form either. “Such is the price we strong shifters have to pay… There’s nothing more we can do here, Dip. Let’s go to my office, before Weevil arrives! Hurry!”

“I’m not scared of that bug boy!” Joey got up, with only Red-Eyes Black Dragon to defend him. “Bring it!”

“Hahaha! Gladly!” Weevil came to the battlefield alone, but with all the confidence in the world. 

“And what makes you think you can take on half of an army by yourself?” Joey smirked.

“Because unlike your idiotic friends, I know better than to fully shift unless the situation demands of it.” Weevil’s arms and legs glowed bright red as he spared Kaiba a passing glance.

“You… little…” As strong as Kaiba was, he couldn’t even half-shift.

“Ah, yes, I remember you…” Weevil cackled upon seeing Kaiba. “You’re the reason why my father pushed me so hard… I would have been spared so much pain and suffering if it weren’t for you!”

“Do you honestly expect me to care about your pain and suffering?” Kaiba scoffed.

“I’ll happily make you care!” Weevil shot a quick ball of spider webs at Kaiba from which he couldn’t escape.

“I’m… I’m not afraid!” Despite what Joey said, after seeing Kaiba fall so easily to Weevil, he wasn’t fully confident in his own ability. “Get ‘im, Red-Eyes!”

Weevil easily pushed Joey’s monster - and Joey himself - out of the way. “So, that’s the best you could bring? Hah!”

“W-Weeves…” Rex fell to his knees as he and Weevil stared each other down.

“So that just leaves me and you, huh?” Weevil could hear Atem trying to sing from behind him, and shot him down before he could get another note in. “You should have brought less pathetic friends, Rex. They all thought I was the same pathetic ‘bug boy’ from before, and now they’re all paying the price!”

“I… I don’t think you’re pathetic.” Rex panted as he spoke, feeling more Braxton Hicks contractions. “You’re strong; you always have been. Everything bad that happened to you is just bad luck.”

“So you acknowledge it. But flattery isn’t going to get you anything, except a few more quick seconds of life.” Weevil pointed his right arms at Rex. “I would give you the chance to fight me now, but I already know you can’t. Gods, how boring.”

“Daddy! Stop!” Amber’s wings were so sore from her struggle against Guarddragon Justicia that she couldn’t fly another inch forward.

“Amber, you foolish girl. You should have killed me when you had the chance! Maybe then you wouldn’t have to see your dear mother die right before your eyes!” Weevil turned back to Rex. “I think I’ve kept you waiting long enough. Prepare to die!”

Right as Weevil raised his arm, however, a voice bellowed across the battlefield. “You will not touch him!”

“Now, where have I heard that voice before?” Joey wondered out loud.

“Joseph, it has been a while. It looks like you’re having trouble; do you need some help? Why don’t I… spruce up your Red-Eyes a bit?”

“How do you know my name, and what are you talking… about… Huh?” Joey noticed the Red-Eyes Black Dragon changing forms. 

“H-Hey!” Weevil finally showed a sign of weakness. “Get out of here, if you know what’s good for you!”

“Hmm?” Rex smiled at Weevil slyly. “Where has all your confidence from before gone, hotshot?”

“Grr!” Weevil turned back to Rex, readying an attack at him. “If it’s confidence you want, it’s confidence you’ll get! Hyaaaah!”

Just then, Joey stepped in, blocking Weevil’s attack with his newly forged sword. “Not if I can help it. Leave my friend alone!”

“Ha… ha… Your friend?”

“And mine, too! Dark Magician Girl the Dragon Knight, charge!” Atem ordered. 

“Aaaaaargh!” This attack slashed Weevil across the legs. “You motherfucking pharaoh! I’ll not let you defeat me again! ”

“You wanna bet on that?” Kaiba smirked with Doom Virus Dragon behind him. “Even if Atem can’t defeat you, I’ll gladly do the honours.”

“You…” Weevil lunged forward, but stumbled. “You’ll pay for-”

“Uru, that’s enough!” Anita suddenly arrived in hummingbird form. “Retreat - Watda’s orders.”

“But… But I can still-”

“I will do no such thing! We leave now!” Anita picked Weevil up with her wing.

“Dammit! Give him… back…” Amber shot several arrows at Anita that missed.

“Never mind them for now, Lady Amber…” Phuckdis looked upon the three people who had saved them. “Who are these people?”

“Is… Is that you, rich boy?” Joey could hardly recognize his former rival, who had aged 20 years since he saw him last, and now wore ancient Egyptian garb.

“Big Brooooo!” Mokuba jumped in the air as he hugged his older brother. “How have you and Atem been?”

“Atem is here too?” Joey looked to the pharaoh, who had hardly aged a day. “Yo.”

“‘Yo’ yourself!” Atem gave his best friend a high five.

“I… didn’t know that Aiko’s other child was still alive.” Spinos exchanged a few words with his elder nephew, and told Kaiba about his surviving family members.

“Then who’s the boy?” Joey gestured his head towards the young man that had arrived with Kaiba and Atem.

“Darned please to meet y’all! I’m Heka Kaiba, the son of Atem and Seto Kaiba!” Heka had a much more relaxed demeanour than either of his parents.

“Come to think of it… You’re a shifter too, aren’t you, Kaiba? So does that mean…”

“That’s right, Rex. I was the one who gave birth to him - after letting Atem top me once. I’ve also got three other kids back at home.”

“Brah, I know all about that.” Rex patted his older cousin’s shoulder.

“You’re… You’re Heka?” Amber hesitated to show herself before the Egyptian crown prince. “Do you remember me?”

Heka stopped socializing with the others when Amber approached him, and reached out a hand to her. “How could I forget that beautiful face of yours? Would you… let me touch it again?”

“Heka!” Amber brought Heka’s hand to her face. “Yes! Yes, of course! Oh, my love, you’re alive! I’ve missed this warm hand so much…”

“What?” Rex blinked as he watched Amber get comfortable with this guy he just met. “What’s going on?”

“How ever did you survive?” Amber ignored her mother.

“I’m not gonna bore you with the details. Let’s just say if it wasn’t for daddy dear protecting you and whisking me away to safety at the last second, we’d both be dead.”

���Maybe my future is bright after all…” Amber cried tears of joy that Heka wiped away. 

“Oh, stop thinking about the future and focus on the present.” As Heka kissed Amber, he noticed the look of pain on her face. “Babe? Is everything okay?”

“I.. uh… might have gotten hurt in that last battle. Specifically on my butt.”

“Then how about I use some ancient Egyptian magic and help you feel better?” Heka showed no shame in lightly squeezing Amber’s butt before massaging it.

“Okay, that’s it, buster!” Rex huffed as he tried to break Heka and Amber apart. “Just who do you think you are, fondling my daughter that way?”

“Papa, you don’t have to worry about anything. Remember when I mentioned my boyfriend a few times before? This is him. He’s also a really good singer.” Amber twirled a lock of Heka’s hair. “By the way, love, you’ve got to perform a solo for everyone sometime. I’ve missed your gorgeous voice.”

“I take it you’re Amber’s mom in the present day?” Heka struck a pose. “Well, how do you do? What Amber didn’t tell you is that while I’m not a shifter, I’m one hell of a magic user. Your buddy Joey would probably be dead if it wasn’t for me. Haha!”

“Haha…” Joey answered with a half-hearted chuckle. “The pharaoh’s son is… one interesting fella, ain’t he? I bet he drives Atem and Kaiba up the wall.”

“Word. He’s nothing like my other self.”

“Hmph. I suppose I’ll tolerate your relationship with Amber for now. But make her cry, and I’ll make you regret it.”

“Daaaw, you’re a protective mother already.” Tricera smiled.

Kaiba didn’t like his son’s odd behaviour. “Heka, that’s quite enough. You need to act more like a prince and not make a fool of your father.”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Papa.”

“Pharaoh…” Amber couldn’t look Atem in the eye. “I… Well… Thanks. Even though Daddy has caused you so much trouble, you’ve saved our lives today. And you, Kaiba. I wish you had come sooner, but it’s better late than never.”

“What do you mean?”

Phuckdis stepped forward. “In our future, we have a legend of a sacred creature known as the God-Shattering Star. He is said to be the only one capable of defeating the Crimson Devil, the strongest of the Earthbound Gods. Unfortunately, he never came… until now. Kaiba, we believe that you’re the one who will save us all.”

“That’s what I thought too.” Amber broke her hug with Heka. “And you summoned the three legendary dragons with you, dragons that are said to forge master weapons.”

“Timaeus…” Atem smiled at his old friend. “It’s been so long.”

“That explains the Red-Eyes Black Dragon Sword…” Rex could only take a quick glance at Joey’s sword before turning away, the flashbacks of their Orichalcos duel coming back to him. 

“I… uh… don’t feel like I really did anything, but okay.”

“Don’t be so modest, God-Shattering Star.” Phuckdis knelt in front of Kaiba. “You are worth all the praise in the world.”

Amber knelt too. “You’re the only one who can save Daddy. Please… Please, help us.”

“Gee, I didn’t know my role as queen of Egypt required me to help people from the future. Just how many worlds do I need to save?” Kaiba facepalmed. “Fine, I’ll do it. But this will be the last time that I do something nice for you dweebs.”

“That’s what you said last time you tried to save the world, rich boy.”

“Oh, put a sock in it, Wheeler.”

“Our circle of friends is finally back together again…” Téa pulled Yugi, Joey, Tristan, Atem, and Kaiba in for a group hug. “If we’ve saved the world twice, we can definitely do it thrice.”

“Sigh…” Rex sat down on the concrete as he waited for Dr. Balls’ nurses to get a stretcher for him. “I just wish it could wait until after finals.”

[pjstafford]

A Look at my 2020

The end of the year is upon us. It’s been a tough one for all of us. It is a year we will all remember forever. I want to do a positive reflection of this year. I will probably write a blog about what I hope our country’s New Years Resolutions should be. The thoughts on that have been rolling around my head for a few days. But today, December 16, at 4:30 a.m. and unable to sleep, that 2020 familiar dread of what will happen today waking me early, I want to look at some positives. I want to unwrap the positives of 2020 like a Christmas gift before Christmas so that I can wrap myself in them as a blanket of warmth. One thing that I have been truly impressed with is the resilience of the human spirit. Let’s call this a resilience exercise.

Counting my blessings one by one...

1. I am alive. Surviving is a cause for celebration. As far as I know I have been COVID free...although there were a few days in April or early May when I was sick with something and in Feb I had the strangest cold in my life and this time last year weeks of fatigue ended in frozen shoulder syndrome on Christmas Eve. See, I want to be thankful, but I don’t want to be naive in my retrospection. Best to be honest. I’m not sure if I had COVID or not, but if I did I survived with relatively minor symptoms. Every cough or sniffle I feared in a completely irrational way was COVID. There was the week I walked around sniffing everything to make sure I could still smell. It dawns on me it is going to be difficult to write a honest and, yet, positive, retrospective of 2020. I am alive, but I have never been less healthy. I’ve gained weight. I haven’t had the physical exercise to which I am accustomed and now when I try to take a long walk I realize my stamina is gone. It will take years of concentrated effort once things are “back to normal” for me to become normal again. It wasn’t that I didn’t try. I did yoga daily in the Spring and switched to an online Tai chi class in the summer, but I don’t live near beauty or anything interesting so wasn’t motivated to walk and just my everyday life of lockdown in a studio apartment meant less movement. All of which sounds even to me like not very good justification. Did I mention though that I survived. I am alive. I will take that as blessing number one.

2. No one I care about very deeply has died or even been seriously ill from COVID. Doesn’t March 2020 seem far away? I don’t want to be dismissive of 300;000 dead especially with more to come. I or someone I love could still be gone by New Years Day. But in March and April we held our breaths for an apocalypse and at some point most of us decided to take a breath. I don’t know really if it’s good or bad that we have simply adjusted our normal and the number deaths we are willing to accept. It’s bad, what am I saying? It’s bad. But how long can we wait in fear? So I don’t know, but I want to count as a blessing that those I love have all survived to date. I cannot vanquish the fear, but I can be grateful for survival.

3. I have maintained employment in a bad economy and have mostly been able to work from home. There have been some struggles. Sometimes the work I do is depressing. Sometimes I feel I don’t make a difference. There has never been a worse time to be an advocate...or a person with disability, or a caregiver, or a provider agency, or a health care professional. I have maintained employment.

4. I count among my blessings the fact that I had a wonderful 2020 before....remember there was a 2020 before. I love when my work takes me to Santa Fe for a prolonged time. A friend came out in Feb for a wonderful weekend. Another friend came to Albuquerque to see me for my birthday in early March. I remember thinking how social I was in those first ten weeks in 2020. It’s as if I somehow knew....it sustained me.

5. I count among my blessings that when I felt my mental health despair getting at its worse...the strain of living alone in a studio apartment, working from that same apartment and following the Governor orders not to go or do anything. ..that I had friends and two weekends of “risky” behavior; a friend who came for the Fourth of July holiday and an out of state trip to Durango in late September. I’m fortunate that when I had to have human contact my closest friends were there for me

6. I count as my blessings that Biden won the election. It’s not simply a matter of politics. I’m not sure if the last eight months of the Trump Presidency wasn’t worse for my morale than the pandemic because Trump kind of lost whatever semblance of sanity he had. Part of the trepeditation over what each new day will bring is what Trump will say, do, tweet, exacerbate. I still fear revolution in the street before Jan 20. The pandemic is not the worse of what America has gone through. That’s the oddest thing about this year.

7. Here is the blessing which probably will be unpopular. The lockdown and stress of all we have experienced is tough, but the slowdown is a blessing for me. My life had gotten pretty busy. While I miss travel, it’s ok for a year not to have had the time suck that travel for work entails. I will be so happy the first work trip I get to go on, but I feel like 2020 has given me the gift of time. It’s odd because, like many, my creative sense has suffered. I have written almost nothing. Still, I often think of a Dylan lyric, maybe in the next life I will be able to hear myself think. I could hear myself think this year. Unfortunately I thought about the existentialist angst of the meaning of life and my failures as a human being and I don’t think there is enough time still to process the effects of the pandemic and I’m sick to death of the sound of my thoughts, but....I have been given this unique gift of time. Even on December 16th I am not rushed to shop, to cook, to decorate, to go to a zillion parties. It’s a different year. The Holiday will still come. It is pleasant not to feel urgency over, let’s face it, non-urgent things. I am mentally and emotionally fatigued, but not nearly as physically exhausted as I was this time last year

8. The next one is a big one. The gift of living in the moment. I have spent my entire life since 7th grade when Miss O’Neil gave me a copy of The Rubyait of Omar Khayyam trying to live with the philosophy of living for the now. Clear the cups of past regrets...tomorrow, why I may be myself with yesterday’s seven thousand years. The only time I have ever truly experience this is in a handful of concert experience. Even now, I fear for my future and I blame myself for my mistakes. Still, my relationship with time has changed. There is the sun rising and setting and that is a day. Seasons will change. But the gift of time means I can approach my day differently. When five o clock comes on a workday, a needed nap is a step away. No where to go on a Friday night... no where I can go...means the weekend rhythm exists only as I define it. The simple pleasures we always take for granted mean something more now. There is a coffee truck that stops near me on Fridays and Saturdays. When it first started stopping I was over the moon that I could walk and get a latte with fairly little risk. If I go to the grocery store and have a conversation with a stranger, it is different than it was before. Mindfulness exercise and meditation is one thing, but nothing can compare with this year to further my lessons in this pursuit. May I take the lesson with me into years to come.

9. Zoom...yes, of course I have zoom fatigue. But five friends in five different states having a monthly drink together on zoom is a benefit of the pandemic. I watched a movie this year with someone who lives in Brazil. I celebrated a friend’s sixtieth person even though I couldn’t be with her. I’ve attended book discussions and readings in New York and I already have tickets to an event in March. Kind of love New York. I’ve never been there in person. Just a lot happens there. Educationally and socially the world is now open to me. I am not limited to what is going on in my community. I hope this doesn’t completely go away.

10. Finally, storytelling and music. I found it hard to read new things in the lockdown for a while, but in March friends asked me to a virtual book club of three books I already read and we reread them together which took us into the summer. I rediscovered the Foundation series of Asimov and suddenly I could read again! My favorite book I’ve read published in 2020 is Jess Walter’s The Cold Million. I did read a digital advance copy of David Duchovny’snew book due out in 2021 and it is, in fact, the breakout novel I knew this hot young writer would eventually write. Looking forward to 2021 book club! I finally binged Breaking Bad and The Travelers as well as The Queens gambit and watched Peanut Butter Falcon. I am doing a disability focused watch on the X Files and I better kick it it the rear because I’m presenting on it in Feb. at a conference. My God, Dylan put out his first original music in eight years. It will take me eight years to fully ingest it and enjoy it. You see, no matter what happens, humanity will tell its stories and gather to make its songs. It’s that human resilience. Creation of art is not trivial. It’s vital. It has continued in this odd and strange year. It is humanity’s greatest gift and I have definitely used it this year as a resilience and growth tool.

Those are my top blessings in this horrific and, yet, wondrous year. However, you have been impacted, what we all share in common is that In a very short time it will be a memory of a year in the past.