#unfortunately at 5 in the ding dang morning but I MEAN

[sweet-star-storybook]

Okay I have no idea how to describe what’s happening right now but I’m like.... having a moment????? A really good moment??????

So I was thumbnailing some pages for my comic earlier today, and if you saw my last post you’ll know I’ve been wrestling with them over the past day or so trying desperately to make something coherent.

I’m trying to do a thing where each day I try and focus and thumbnail on my iPad until the battery runs out, and that forces me to switch to my laptop while I charge it up again. This way I can either write more script or read another comic for fun and research purposes, and give myself an art break in the process. Or if it’s a bad day for creating, take a break by watching YouTube or something.

Dealing with depression has made me weirdly fearful of experiencing new stuff lately, especially in mediums that I want to create in myself, like comics. I fear that I’ll read them and then spiral into despair over how great they are, as if that makes my own stuff lesser somehow. This has happened to me before, and recently, but I read some comics tonight anyway, hoping I would at least get the research if not the inspiration. I’ve been accruing a list of them in a bookmarks folder and it’s been a great way to jump in whenever.

Tonight’s binge reads were Parallax and JL8, two I chose randomly from my list to catch up on and two I HIGHLY recommend

The intent was to read more comics in general and study them like “okay what do comics from people who actually know what they’re doing look like?” and while I did get that knowledge, I just found myself getting lost in them the further I went in. Yes I was making some mental notes about things I noticed and wanted to implement into my own stuff, saving screenshots and whatnot, but over time I got really invested. I reacted to the plot twists, I laughed at the jokes, I cried at how pretty all the art was and wished I could make it that way. And since both of these were comics I’d read before, I remembered some of my favourite parts too.

I reacted.  And I loved it.

I never thought I would forget what it feels like to not have my emotions drain me after feeling them, even the happy ones. I never thought I would forget what it feels like to react to something, ANYTHING so strongly, and in this case, so positively. And I never thought I would forget what it’s like to not feel a heavy heart, if only for a brief moment in time. I have no doubt this feeling is fleeting, but I can’t help but think this is a glimmer of light and hope, however small it might be

Even after this, after reading those two comics in their entirety and enjoying it as I did so, I went and read the 9 pages of my own comic that I have up right now. The same comic I’ve been trying so hard to continue for months now and has been on hiatus for almost a year.

And you know what? I liked what I saw.

Sure there are things I could do better now and good LORD I have so many things I have to draw but I still liked what I saw. The gears were turning in my head about how I would continue, scenes I hadn’t completed yet. I even went back and looked at the thumbnails I did earlier today, and I liked those too.

And I just felt such a sense of.... passion??? Happiness???? Inspiration, I guess????

Reading these comics, for the first time in a while, made me feel something. Stoked the fires of my love for what I do. What I make, and the stories I want to tell, and embracing how silly and wonderful they are. Not being afraid, especially to laugh and have fun. I have never truly lost this passion, I love my work and have loved my work for some time now. But with my life being what it is right now, that confidence has been so fleeting. I think more than anything, this moment I’m having gave me a glimpse of self love. Right now, I not only love what I do, but I love me for doing it. My comic may be on pause right now, but it won’t be forever. And for the first time in a while I don’t feel guilty or scared about that.

And that is so, so important for me right now.

[nancypullen]

Eggs-actly What I Wanted

When we woke up today it felt like fall!  Mid-50′s and lower humidity? Yes, please.  Unfortunately I didn’t have time to count the yellow leaves starting to show at the tops of the tree line or admire the dew drops on rose petals.  Yesterday something went wonky with the driver’s side window on car #1 and we had to get it over to the service center to  be fixed.  Remember the good ol’ days when you just cranked a window up or down?  Now it’s done at the touch of a button but that also means taking the whole ding-dang door apart and fiddling with electronics for two hours when something goes wrong.  Since it’s stuck in the down position we can’t really ignore it.

We really like Hyundai’s cars.  They’re super reliable, well made, I don’t vomit over the price, and no one has a warranty that compares.  I’m not getting a free car for saying that.  Seriously, they have the best warranty in the business -  60,000 miles or five years, and the power train warranty is 100,000 miles. This is our 5th Hyundai and I don’t think we’ve ever had to pay for any hiccups.  Tyler’s car once had an issue with a faulty part and Hyundai put an entirely new engine in at zero cost to us.  They always lose money on me because my car doesn’t roam much. It was purchased new in 2013 and has 36,000 miles on it.  I’m like the little old lady who only drives on Sundays.   That said,  Wilson County Hyundai likes to give me the run around.  It’s a good ole boy place and that’s all I’ll say about that.  I once went in with a battery issue and they told me, and I quote, “Yew just ain’t drivin’ it enough...”  This was when I was going to Zumba every day.   I asked if they regularly take all of the cars on their lot for a spin, etc.  Long story short, they fixed the issue.  But because Wilson County Hyundai is closest to home, that’s where we took the car this morning.  I had a feeling that it wouldn’t go smoothly, and it hasn’t. I’m letting the mister deal with them because I might burn the place down.  We’ve never had issues with any other Hyundai dealership and I just don’t have the patience to walk them through their own job.  Not today.  Peri-menopause has stolen my filter and there’s a chance I’d end up in handcuffs on the 5 o’clock news, when all they have to do is honor the warranty and fix the damn window.   See what I mean?   So after dropping the car at Goober’s when they opened at 8:00, I was hungry.  Breakfast for me lately has been a cup of yogurt or maybe a Slimfast shake. Quick & easy, ya’ know?  Today I needed something more.  So I cracked two eggs into pretty, buttered ramekin and got busy.  A dash of salt and pepper went in, then I mixed I mixed a bit of dijon mustard with some grated cheddar and a sprinkle of seasoned panko and put that on top of the eggs.  I didn’t have any spinach handy so I just popped a slice of tomato on top with another sprinkle of panko, and put it all in a 350 oven for about 15 minutes (more or less depending on how runny or hard you like your yolks).  It.  was.  delicious.

I added a slice of toast and a couple of strawberries and enjoyed a delightful breakfast on an almost chilly Thursday morning (okay, not even close to being chilly but after a sticky, southern summer it feels good to say that).  I know we’re not supposed to use food as a comfort or reward, but it’s cheaper than a trip to Paris or a spree at Sephora, ya’ know?  Sometimes a tasty treat just helps to keep you balanced.    Or from burning down a building. Thinkin’ happy thoughts and going out to count yellow leaves...

XOXOXO