It’s my second time being an #underwatermodel and I’m feeling alright about it! The first time was so disheartening I thought I’d never do it again, but this time, thanks to @astridadventure and #pranayam training I’m feeling much more #confident Photos by @astridadventure #breathtraining #fall #falldecorations https://www.instagram.com/p/Chx8vdMLNGw/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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The moment day breaks through
I'm not going to lie these past few weeks and honestly this whole year has been scarily difficult for me, it's really hard to navigate yourself through a cold world that wasn't built to suit your disorders or sensitive heart - especially when you were never given the tools for a healthy foundation as a child.
Covid was nothing compared to this, I feel more trapped inside than ever and going outside became increasingly more difficult - from my emotions, phobias to full body physical reactions. It's like I'm stuck in an endless tennis match, being tossed aside from physical sickness to mental illness with only a little break in-between, to catch a single breath of air, before it starts all over again.
And it's so hard to not just drown in the shame and guilt of not being where my peers are or on the same level as them. I feel so scared and... just well petrified. Even when I'm happy, or in the perfect place, getting treated to a restaurant or going for a walk... I still just feel this invisible layer of fear and sadness crawling inside me and under my skin. Like even happiness is just a fragile mask to a much bigger problem. And I'm already trying everything... and I'm so far from enough.
I'm scared of how long it's going to take me to become 'normal' just enough to actually participate in the world and give something back. It's been such a long time since I've done volunteer work - and I know no one will take me in, because I'm not stable and reliable enough and that's true... but it still hurts.
I'm always terrified of people asking me how I am or what I've been up top. That simple questions always makes me shudder in my spine, and I can't help but feel like in 'my head' - 'there is just no winning'
no matter how many perspectives I try to analyze and understand somehow it always leads to somewhere bad, like I was just built different... like maybe I was always broken before people even got the chance to break me.
I am ashamed of where I am not. But I am NOT ASHAMED of being an emotional person who's struggling to heal... ok maybe I am. But I shouldn't be. Cause people shouldn't be.
I often forget how objectively difficult and painful my life has been until I look up at my therapist staring at me in awe like "How have you made it this far with such an empty cup, with so many holes that no matter how much love and positivity I pour into it, it keeps leaking out before I can even take a sip"
and even then...I still struggle to believe them.
no... my life can't be that hard
other people have had it worse
there's no excuse. either get better now or just die.
It's like I'm constantly at war with myself and all the different versions of me. There's the me who's mean, obsessive and wants me to die, they spent the past few weeks planning my suicide in-depth between my clinic treatments, then there's the me who's desperate and scared and so in need of love, affirmation and nurture cowering besides the hate - and then there's my inner mother (the mother I never got to have) trying her best to get through to the others, all she wants to do is love but no one can hear her through the screaming, she tries her best to hold onto to others before they completely take over. She's trying but she's very weak. She kept me going to my treatments and kept me away from train stations.
I appreciate every little part of me trying to sustain my sanity, I just wish we could find a little more balance.
But even if we do... even if I learn to trust myself, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to trust others... cause that's how I ended up here in the first place
Issue 1 - trusting and believing in myself
Issue 2 - trusting and believing in a world that has greatly hurt me
Issue 3 - forgiveness
I use to forgive to easily... but then people would just use me. I guess I don't know how to balance being trusting, kind and understanding in a place where people want to take advantage of that
But I can't survive the cold spikes of reality, I need to be soft and fluffy to make it through. I refuse to lose my innocent playful nature, I refuse to stop seeing the best in humanities potential, even if it's unrealistic and silly. I just want the world to be like a cartoon, a world where a god does exist, where people make mistakes but we learn and forgive, where people change, where I change and people can just see each other as fellow brothers in this fucked up self aware experience of consciousness. And if the world and people can't be that way. It's not going to stop me from trying.
If there is no eternal force of love, forgiveness and understanding - then I will become it. If there is no God of humanity & love, then I will see the world through the eyes of one. It doesn't matter to me whether "it" is real or not. I think humanity deserves it, we deserve to be forgiven for our sins (in the sense of the guilt and shame we've held on to for so long) as if you are but another person of myself. Where do I end and where do you begin?
If I want to forgive myself surely I must forgive everyone... even if it's hard. I know we hold onto shame to prevent ourselves from becoming too selfish but there has to be a way to balance it. And that balance I assume is learning from our mistakes.
Not just for everyone but for myself, not just for myself but for everyone.
wow... human coping mechanisms are strange are plentiful
existence is a strange, ugly and wonderful place.
But either way, thank you for your support <3
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I’ve been feeling #burnout hard for the past month or so, one reason I bounce around in so many fields is to help avoid it, but @astridadventure set me on fire today with #inspiration. Thank you so much for letting me use your came and being an epic #underwatermodel! This is my first #underwaterphotography session. I’ve modeled once before and it was a huge learning curve. Today I felt much more comfortable and am excited to post my photos next…and maybe even shoot again tomorrow?!? This was such an amazing time! I’m just starting on my edits for @brinathewitch_, stay tuned for more reasons why I started into these fields in the first place!! And special thanks to @bookguy7 and Lady Belle for keep a watchful eye on all of us. https://www.instagram.com/p/ChqvwgAMCVq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=
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Liberty Shipwreck ~ ONE BREATH
🌊💫 A Dance with the Deep Blue 💫🌊 Sharing a BTS glimpse into my extraordinary underwater modeling experience on the majestic Liberty wreck in Bali! 📸🚢🐠 Descending to 40 ft deep in the lower part of the shipwreck, I embark on a journey to an ethereal underwater realm. As I venture deeper, my senses transform, and my happy place unfolds. Imagine a moment when the face mask and air supply are taken away, immersing you in a state of calmness. Half blind and half deaf, I find solace beneath the waves, where every movement becomes a meditation. 🧜♀️🧘♀️ In this ethereal space, my mind occupies two realms simultaneously. One part focused on the intricacies of my performance, analyzing the remaining air in my lungs, ensuring my body performs with precision, and maintaining perfect lines and grace. The other part drifts into a timeless realm, connecting with the ebb and flow of nature, becoming a conduit for the spirit of the sea to speak through me. 🌊💙 Understandably, this kind of work carries its fair share of danger, requiring over two decades of learning and practice. Each breath holds immense significance as I prepare for my routine. A few minutes of conscious breathing, followed by a breath hold for approximately 1 minute when I dive into action. After the performance, I relax and breathe again for a few minutes, repeating this pattern for about 40 minutes to 1 hr until the compressed air in the tank is depleted. It is crucial to emphasize that I cannot change depths while holding compressed air in my lungs. Ascending with compressed air could result in air entering my bloodstream, causing potential harm such as bursting my lungs resulting in death. The trust I place in my safety diver is paramount, as their vigilance and expertise become the ultimate lifeline. Concealed within my costume were 6lb of hidden weights, stopping me from floating up to the surface. 🤝🌟 Every venture into the underwater world is a testament to the harmonious balance of preparation, skill, and profound respect for the forces of nature. It is an honor to be a part of this captivating dance, where the human spirit and the ocean's embrace intertwine. VIDEO @Jlutskyphoto MODEL @hannahmermaid MUSIC @CelesteLear #UnderwaterModeling #BaliWreckDiving #OceanicEncounters #SpiritOfTheSea #LifeBeneathTheWaveswww.HannahMermaid.co m
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Just Pinned to Guapas y Freakis: @shimarisuchan108 on Instagram: "スワイプで堕ちてく🔜🖤 photo @manabukoga_underwater swimwear @prixworkshop #水中ニーソ #水中撮影 #水中攝影 #水中写真 #水中ポートレート #水中モデル #ダイビング女子 #ダイビング #潜水 #underwaterphotography #underwaterphotographer #underwater #underwaterphoto #underwatershots #uwphotography #uwphoto #underwatermodel #underwatermodels #unterwassermodel #underwaterart #diving #divergirl #waterproofgirl #art #artis #しまりすちゃん #真縞しまりす #ポートレート #portraitphotography #prix" https://ift.tt/DB4zE2A
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