#understood being the fuck up kid who’s traumatized and struggling like oh my god now that I’ve experienced losing someone that close I want

[milo-is-rambling]

Going to eat a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart for the first time since my dad died. I’m craving it. It will make me cry. Going to hot box the bathroom while I take a bath and then cry and eat a pop tart in the bath. I’m bringing pocket joe for companionship

[nothorses]

Oh god, thank you, like if we did assume anon comes from a good place we understand where anon comes from but also like...yea nothings going to help if we don't like, Have A Replacement and you definitely know more than us about this one.

If it's alright to ask: we're wondering if you have any sort of knowledge that could be passed onto us (and others in a situation like ours) to mitigate that?

For more specific context, people definitely sing their praises to IEPs a lot and we saw someone mention them somewhere, but we have very unfortunately been on the end of it where it has been used as a vehicle for oppression and ableism anyways (WE PROMISE those twitter threads will be moved here to Tumblr we just haven't done it yet sory sksksk), because we had abusive parents who were "only" emotionally abusive if that makes sense.

We understand IEPs are helpful to lots of folks but it can be isolating as all fuck when praise is all people do rather than look at some of the tiny nuances or the ways people use it to keep the status quo instead of helping folks. Like how it was used as an extension of Autistic conversion "therapy" / applied behavioral analysis "therapy" when we had to put up with it.

Nutshell/TLDR: how do people use what they have learned to improve education when they didn't really. Learn anything. And how to bring attention to some of the things that nobody wants to talk about without sounding like we're being dismissive. We're so burnt out here when it comes to discussing any education system before university. Please share your wisdom (but only if you want to)!

I am not like, The Expert here, but I will offer some thoughts! Just take them with a grain of salt; I don't know everything, and I could always be missing things.

I will say that IEPs/504 plans are of particular interest to me right now, and imo, the problem is pretty broad and pretty deep.

My own personal context is that my brother was diagnosed with ADHD before even starting school, was put in SpEd early on, and had some pretty traumatic experiences because of that (we picked him up from school once to find him in an isolation room- a closet with one bulletproof window in the door carpeted floor-to-ceiling- because he had acted out in class. In first grade). He believed wholeheartedly that he was incapable of controlling himself, and he developed extremely low self-esteem. I don't know if no diagnosis would have been any better for him, but his diagnosis and "accommodations" (iirc he had an IEP) actively did him harm.

I, on the other hand, was not diagnosed with ADHD until I was 22, and I had to go out and do it myself. I had struggled with school my whole life, I had been in shouting matches with my mom about it, I have trauma about it, and I developed a different kind of low self-esteem around being told I was "choosing" to fail. Once I was medicated, my grades suddenly shot up, my GPA shot up, and I got into a pretty damn good grad school about it. I'm left wondering how things might have been different for me if I'd been understood as someone who was trying but struggling, and who needed support, rather than someone who was not trying at all.

I also don't think it's reasonable to expect that every disabled kid is going to be identified by the system, which is what most teachers seem to think is the issue: that they aren't good enough at armchair diagnosing 6-year-olds yet. It's just not gonna happen. Someone will be missed, and they shouldn't have to struggle alone because nobody else realized what they were struggling with.

Imo, what we need to be pushing for most urgently is universal accommodations, available without any need for diagnosis, disclosure, or anything else: Buckets of fidgets kids can grab whenever, alternative seating options, built-in breaks and frequent snacks, no penalties for late work/tardiness/absences, no graded tests, etc. (I would also like to see more project-based learning & growth-oriented grading, personally!)

As far as learning more: I can recommend some readings to start, and I'll link them here. They're also pretty dense; the grad school recommendation is to read the intro and conclusion in full, and just read the first and last sentence of every paragraph aside from that.

Here's the big folder (which I need to update) of all of the education-related readings I have ever been assigned. I recommend specifically searching "disability" and "democratic"/"democracy"; those will probably be the most relevant to what you're interested in.

Some good starting points:

Leonardo, Broderick (2011) - Smartness as Property: A Critical Exploration of Intersections Between Whiteness and Disability Studies

Carolen, Guinn (2007) - Differentiation: Lessons from Master Teachers

Alverman (2001) - Reading Adolescents' Reading Identities: Looking Back to See Ahead

Veletsianos, Houlden (2020) - Radical Flexibility and Relationality as Responses to Education in Times of Crisis

[meggannn]

shepard/garrus?

oh boy, sorry for the late response! I always end up posting these things and then going to read/take a nap/play a game or something. anyway writing this up took two hours, i hope it is even slightly interesting to read. cut because this is looooooong

What made you ship it?

I think I was interested in this ship before I even played ME. I was just like “I know Shepard is a character and an alien named Garrus is a character, and people draw porn of them together.” because I think it’s reasonable to say it’s one of, if not the most, popular ship in the fandom, or at least in ME’s tumblr fandom? and the way people talked about it, I knew their tropes were #banter, #battle couple, #partnerships, and... and as we’ve learned from royai, I am a bit weak to those tropes (assuming I like both of the characters). the way people talked about them also from a “best friends” angle—which is sort of forced in-game in a way that seems strange to me now—was also a plus in its favor at the time. (if they get together, I do see their friendship/companionship, in whatever form, in some ways integral to their romance—unless you’re playing full far-right renegade who’s like a xenophobe and hate-fucking Garrus, I guess?—but Bioware also kind of shoehorned Garrus into that best-friend role and that’s a topic for another day.)

What are your favorite things about the ship?

(my friend will hit me if I say “partnerships” again) I’m gonna talk about the way I play my Shepard now, because so much is dependent on the unique Shepard. for Lydia’s journey over the series, I see a large part of her journey as basically a study of her (often self-inflicted) loneliness. and she never entirely breaks her habits of self-isolation, but the events of the series force her to be vulnerable in a way she would prefer not to be in front of a crew, or, y’know, ever. Garrus becomes an integral part of that story to help her break her out of these bad habits (all of the crew does, particularly also Ashley for my Shep), but to my eyes, the story of “Shepard and Garrus’s relationship” is also one of mutual respect, burden-sharing, and sanity and morality checks.

I don’t think of their “mentor” relationship in ME1 very often mostly because I don’t think it was done particularly well, but for all its faults, I do like how naturally the jump from “subordinate” in ME1 to “ally” in ME2 felt; once you meet Garrus on Omega you feel more on the same footing as two friends greeting each other because you’ve both recently been through trauma and the sight of a friendly face in a station full of hostiles is so unexpectedly welcome that it lets them both hope things will be okay for a minute. starting from that moment, Garrus becomes one of the few people who can see “under” her mask, I guess: partly because he’s one of the few combatants from the SR-1 who knows Shepard well and sees who she is both on the field and onboard the SR-2, with the ability to compare both to the times of “before you died”; partly because he has trauma response training and recognizes it in others even if he doesn’t in himself; partly because his loyal personality makes him sensitive to wonder how she’s dealing with being resurrected; and also partly because they’ve both gone through similar things. namely, getting your squad killed and blaming yourself for it, and it possibly being your fault (BioWare is inconsistent on what Shepard’s role was on Akuze, but in ME1 she has the chance to reply that she was responsible for getting them out safely, and failed).

necessity forces Shepard to adapt to things like being effectively forced to work for terrorists; being isolated from her support system; being resurrected and feeling like a stranger in her own body; later, getting decommissioned for making an incredibly difficult call to save the galaxy; watching your homeworld burn; being forced into a political role negotiating high stakes you don’t know how to play; being told you’re the spearhead of a galactic war; doing all of this without a full crew complement; the list goes on. those are all, on their own, incredibly isolating, traumatic experiences, and my Shepard’s not emotionally sane at the best of times. (emotionally stable, perhaps, only in the most literal of terms, at least on the surface. she’s like a rock when shit hits the fan. emotionally sane, no, for that reason and more.)

the tables have turned, and Garrus ends up becoming a large part of helping her regain agency in most if not all of those things: in ME2 he was a former crew member she trusted, and he was eager to work for her and be distracted from his failures on Omega. over in the battery, he is himself recovering from a major injury (like Shepard) and going through the aftermath of a bloodbath he feels responsible for (like Shepard), working on a crew that holds him at arm’s length, that he also... arguably... didn’t have much choice in joining (like Shepard—I’m assuming he wasn’t held hostage and joined voluntarily after waking up, but lbr this is unconfirmed). their reasons are different and varied, but they don’t realize until much later that they have found each other at the most opportune time, providing a sense of stability for each other, and also, frankly, sanity and morality checks.

in ME3, he steps into this role more fully because he’s become more disciplined, is doing work firmly in his wheelhouse, and paired up against Shepard struggling with their positions somewhat reversed from ME1: him more confident and her now completely out of her element, floundering with her place on a galactic scale. without Garrus—and Chakwas, and Joker, and Tali, and later the loyalty of the entire SR-2—the story of ME would be a tragedy, and it would end shortly in ME2; it’d be the story of how my Shepard slowly went insane being forced to fight boogeymen under a terrorist banner. Garrus isn’t, like, the keeper of her sanity, but their ability to check each other, and see themselves in the eyes of each other, provides stability and occasionally a bit of a wake-up call to both of them. when they’re both vulnerable, they both feel most seen, and most understood, by an alien that listens.

one angle of this ship that highly interests me at the moment, along with the above, is that while it’s not illegal for them to be together, it’s still... a really bad fucking idea lmao. (I could make the argument that it’s a bad idea for Shepard to be in any relationship with their crew but I think there are a few ships—Garrus, Tali, any Alliance crew at all—that realistically would be huge political clusterfucks.) so overcoming personal insecurity and fear of the unknown to acknowledge interest in each other, and the desire to become an item, getting roadblocked by a reality wake-up call with the fact that 1) she’s his boss, 2) Garrus comes from a society where station matters, like, sort of a lot and it even determines your job and how much legal power you have, 3) the potential political blowback (which would be ENORMOUS because lbr the hierarchy may not care about what turians do in off-hours but they WOULD care about the superior/subordinate thing, the human thing, the fact that they’re doing this while a war is going on. basically one of their best agents is on the Normandy to negotiate their interests and they’re basically at the whims of their relationship the whole time)... it’s a lot! all of that sort of makes it tragic, but I’m curious to see how they’d overcome it.

anyway, all of that is where I’m coming from when I think or write about this ship, but there’s a lot more I’m not mentioning here. there are a lot of juxtapositions that in my head that I’ve either added or extrapolated from canon that also interest me about this pairing. Garrus is a former cop, as is his father; Lydia is a poor kid who used to be in a gang out of necessity. Garrus is a turian with often traditionalist thinking; Shepard is a human who has much less sociopolitical power than him, even if she is his superior on the Normandy. both of them are roughly as old as the First Contact War, when their people were at each other’s throats not thirty years ago. Garrus idolizes Spectrehood while Lydia hates it, feeling it was forced on her. they can’t eat the same food. and yet despite all of that, and the fact that they need translators to communicate, they manage to understand each other when a lot of the world around them doesn’t.

god this is not even the full list of it. anyway I could go on but I’ll stop there lol.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

oh jesus, so much. I’m a grouchy and picky shipper, be warned.

pining can always make my ships more interesting, and imo it’s a consistent part of any ship of Shepard’s, considering it’s wildly inappropriate and unprofessional for her to be fucking any subordinate, so I think more consideration could be given to shakarian in the “we shouldn’t be having a thing and oh also you’re an alien and I’m kind of scared of both your government and your body” angle! I hope to explore that a bit with a fic I’m writing (if I ever finish it, god).

I hate the flavor of fandom!shakarian where Shepard romanced Kaidan in ME1 then felt “betrayed” when he’s confused and hurt on Horizon, so she gets with Garrus as like... revenge? idk. and then Garrus usually develops this bias against Kaidan as a sort of author mouthpiece (which is inconsistent with his characterization cause Garrus is nothing but pleased to have Kaidan back on the SR-2 in ME3!) and takes up the anti-Kaidan crusade cause K ~questioned the commander~ (since when does Garrus fall over himself defending a superior from criticism?) like, idk. I think Garrus can be sensitive to the fact that that reuniting must’ve been painful for Shepard, but also be aware that it was also really painful for Kaidan because all of Kaidan’s complicated feelings about Shepard’s resurrection were, realistically, things Garrus should’ve felt too! this trope is very popular but just feels like manufactured drama for drama’s sake, idk, I’m also not big on love triangles so. I would much rather people just rescue Ashley on Virmire and avoid the whole thing rather than have previously-romanced Kaidan around in ME3 for the sole purpose of forcing him to watch Shepard/Garrus being happy together tbh.

I think full goody-goody paragon Shepard is too preachy to make a good partner for Garrus and full shoot-anyone-in-my-way renegade Shepard encourages and emboldens his worst tendencies (and Castis Vakarian is right to disapprove of them). most people end up playing some combination of both, or if they do settle in one camp or the other, usually there is some sense of realism where Shepard doesn’t play nice/naive or play mean all the time, so it’s rare I see either of those kinds of extreme Shepards depicted, but in general if there is a Shepard that is so far in one direction it seems illogical to me that they ever stay together.

I think wanting a mShep romance for Garrus is a pretty welcome idea in fandom, but adding onto that, I think Garrus should’ve been romanceable in ME3 for players who changed their minds on other romances or want to play slow-burn romances! we had it for Kaidan—and should’ve had it for Ash—so (pounds fist on desk) Garrus too imo!

I hate the canon get-together because Shepard walking into the battery and asking “do you want to fuck” feels very tailored to the players who want to romance Garrus, not to who Commander Shepard is, imo. it lacked all of the subtlety and depth of some other romances—until the scene of Garrus coming to her cabin with a wine bottle, at least, cause I do like that scene, but anyway, I dislike the actual get-together.

just in general, I’m a stick in the mud, so my favorite iteration of this ship is where Shepard is resolutely professional, and the challenge of it becomes him getting her to open up, not the other way around. like, I think on some level every iteration of Shepard is a bit of a lunatic/eccentric, because you have to be to do the things they do, but I like to see their flirting with less of her calling him “big guy” (not sure where that came from, is that in canon? I must’ve missed it, but personally I don’t like it) and more of Garrus making wisecracks in the canteen while he’s talking to Joker, but he’s looking at her out of the corner of his eyes and he really said his joke with the aim of making her laugh, and as she’s reading her datapad she hears him, and even when she wants to chuckle she stops himself and just smirks cause she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a laugh, but he sees her lips twitch and feels his heart flutter. that. I want more of that.

oh lastly, I hate “Shepard takes Vakarian clan markings” in any iteration. there is no canon relation to turians being poc—in fact I’d argue they have sociopolitical privilege real-world bipoc do not—but the concept of social face markings, face tattoos, etc., is rooted in non-white cultures and with the fact that 1) turians had a literal civil war over the territories those markings represent, 2) we don’t even know if marriage is how markings are shared or if non-turians are ever invited to wear them in the first place, 3) most of the art of this trend, lbr, is of mostly white Shepards in wedding dresses and blue face paint... all that combined just makes me frown and scroll faster every time I see it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bipoc Shepard with Vakarian face markings in fic/art, and that to me is very telling (not because they should have them, but because bipoc fans who make bipoc Shepards usually recognize when a racially-coded trope is uhhhhh not so great to appropriate for someone not of that group).

[goji-pilled]

How about a prompt where Chat Noir is called out about his unwanted advances on Ladybug? Or about his behavior during Syren?

Thank you so much for giving me this prompt as I really had a funtime writing this!Tbh I'm very happy with this one and I think it's one of the better things I've written so far though I might have turned this into some very very salty fic that's rather OOC, especially Chat Noir/Adrien. But that's kind of the point so whatever💅

Btw I just want to mention this for people who want to write an angry comment because how dare I write Adrien salt but I absolutely love Adrien to pieces with every fiber of my being.

If you have more salt prompts or any prompts for that matter please don't be afraid to submit them :D

Anyway please enjoy!

A new Chat Noir

"Miraculous Ladybug!"

And with that all the damage Syren caused was undone. The magical ladybugs drained the city, rebuilt what was destroyed and brought back those who weren't able to escape the flood.

From what Ladybug could gather Ondine was reakumatized because someone wouldn't stop flirting with her boyfriend even though both of them made it clear how they're happy together. Of course Hawkmoth used her feelings against herself and sent his akuma which transformed Ondine into Syren once more.

And of course it was another akmua Ladybug fought on her own since her supposed partner had been refusing to help her for weeks now until she'd finally admit she loves him too.

As much as it hurt that her partner is abandoning her, she was at least still able to defeat the akumas even if she needed a temporary hero or many hours more than usually.

And just like that Chat Noir finally "joined" Ladybug once she was done with comforting Ondine. "So are you finally going to accept that we're made for eachother?", he asked with a smug grin probably thinking she'd finally give in.

Well that wasn't what she's about to give in for. Ladybug took a deep breath to calm herself down. She really didn't want to deal with him anymore, it's not like that Lila is already making her civillianlife hell but Chat Noir making her herolife this complicated really wasn't something she needed on her plate as well.

"Alright listen here Chat Noir.", Ladybug started, her voice was filled with calm anger, "I'm going tell you this one last time. I am NOT in love with you and you're continuous flirting and asking me out on dates is making me uncomftable. And you're ignoring your duties as a hero! Countless people died today!"

Chat Noir shrugged her off as if what she said was some kind of bad joke. "Bugaboo we're soulmates! We love eachother and everyone sees that but you! Besides your miraculous cure brought these people back."

Did she just heard him correctly? Did Chat Noir just shrugged off her feelings and the countless deaths that Hawkmoth caused today? Anger built up inside of her and this time Ladybug wouldn't hold back, "How dare you! How dare you act as if MY feelings don't matter! How dare you play off the serious damage that comes with drowning to death and remembering every damned second of it! These people are traumatized because they died a slow painful and fear filled death and you are standing here throwing a tantrum beause I won't date you?! How fucking dare you."

And then he didn't say anything. Of course he didn't now that he was confronted with his mistakes. It's something she was ised to by now seeing as how Adrien acts the same way.

While all of this happend a lot of people gathered around the heroes with one of them being Alya who was livestreaming the whole thing. Despite how Ladybug was no fan of the Ladyblog anymore, she had to admit that maybe this time it could be helpful for one last time so that the people would learn the truth about Chat Noir and their beloved "ladynoir" ship.

With a beep of her earrings the heroine was reminded how she'll detransform soon so Ladybug took off without another word.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Chat Noir muttered the words to trigger his detransformation as soon as he jumped through the window of his room. Adrien now stood in Chat's place and started to angrily pace around his room. "I can't believe her! Why won't she understand?! We're soulmates, destined to be together!", Adrien growled. He was getting frustrated with Ladybug's stubborness.

The blond heard his kwami mumble something. "What was that Plagg?", he asked.

"I said I can't believe YOU!", Plagg hissed. He flew towards Adrien with a furious expression. "Adrien I was hoping you'd see your mistakes, I was hoping after Ladybug called you out on your behavior you would finally see your wrong ways but NO! Nothing! You blame everyone but yourself for your mistakes.", the kwami's voice became a little softer at the end and his expression was now pleading. "Please Adrien...try to understand that you're no better than your stalking fans right now. You're not acting like a hero anymore...not as Chat Noir and not as Adrien. You let people day today just like during Syren's first appearance.

You abandoned you partner and you did the same thing to pigtails. Both we're counting on you and you left them both. Please try to see how wrong all of this is..."

Adrien looked away for a moment just to make an angry frown, "That she's all alone is Marinette's own fault, she could've just taken the high road! And Ladybug wouldn't have to fight alone if sh-"

"- ENOUGH!", Plagg yelled. "God kid...I was too easy on you...I thought...what does it even matter now. This has been going on for far too long. Adrien your continuous harrassment of Ladybug and ignoring of you're hero duties is leaving me no choice.

You were the best Chat Noir I had...I'm sorry kid.", the tiny god now sounded bitter and shook his head. He stretched out one of his paws.

Adrien on the other hand was confused what was happening now. Plagg never had been this snappy no matter the situation and what was that about him having been the best Chat Noir so far? Adrien meant to ask his kwami about that and so many other things that swirled around in his head but never got the chance to do so as Plagg was faster in speaking up than him, "Adrien Agreste I, Plagg kwami of destruction and bad luck, deem you unworthy of wielding my miraculous or any miraculous ever again!"

Just like the ring on Adrien's hand started to just slip off his finger, nothing Adrien tried helped as the miraculous magically became to heavy and eventually fell on the floor. Desperatly he tried to grab the silver ring lying on the floor shimmering in the sunlight.

While Adrien failed to move the jewel even barely an inch, Plagg on the other hand easily picked it up. The green light shone for a moment and the ring was back in it's normal state in which it was black with the green paw on it.

"I'm sorry, I really am kid."

The teen's eyes widened as he gasped in shock and finally understood what happened just now. Plagg just took away his miraculous, his freedom, the only freedom he truly had.

"You can't do that! I'm Chat Noir! That's my miraculous and you can't take that away from me!", Adrien screamend in his rage.

Plagg just stared at him before phasing through the window and leaving Adrien behind.

Was the kwami happy with this?

No, not even in the slightest but Plagg had to think about Marinette and Paris. Tikki's bug deserves a partner she could trust and Adrien refused to be that. It's not like he gave the boy more than enough chances. Luckily the small god already had someone in mind to give the ring to. Someone that knew Marinette's struggle with her class and Lila, someone that suffered from the brat just like her and lost their girlfriend because of her, a person that was one of the few friends the girl had left and someone who had experience with heroing.

Now Plagg only needed to find them. Easier said than done.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"What do you think Tikki?", proudly Marinette showed off her newest design to her kwami.

"Oh Marinette this is wonderful!", Tikki gushed in return.

Ever since Marinette let out everything she supressed in the matter of Chat Noir a few days ago she seemed happier. Like a huge burden was taken off her shoulders.

Too bad that an akuma alert interrupted Marinette's creative spree.

"Let's see if that cat is gonna help this time...or show up at all...", the ravenette muttered when she rolled her chair away from her desk.

Once transformed Ladybug made her way to where the akuma was spotted, a woman that was akumatized into a villain that creates gigantic vines and had the ability to control plants. After she made sure no civilians were in the area Ladybug was observing the akuma in order to find a strategy to defeat Hawkmoth's newest villain.

A soft thump caught Ladybug's attention and for a brief moment she wondered if maybe Chat Noir finally saw his mistakes and as soon as she turned around she was indeed met with a pair of catlike green eyes, yet it was one that didn't belong to her a partner but a new cat hero.

"I'm the new Chat Noir.", he nervously said but smiled at her nonetheless. He held out a hand for her to shake. Carefully she shook his hand and returned his smile. "It's nice to meet you Chat Noir. I'm looking forward to working with you."

His voice gained some confidence before he replied, "I'm looking forward to working with you too Ladydude."

[imuybemovoko]

My beliefs now

I set this blog up for a bunch of different purposes including conlangs/worldbuilding stuff, my writing, and my views on religion and maybe also politics. So far, mostly, I’ve ranted a lot about the beliefs I left behind. Now that I’ve let that particular sketchy brand of Christianity, now that I’ve discovered the ways it and my conservative family background were probably turning me into a fascist while I was still in all that, I figure I might as well try to hash out where I stand now. I’m around eleven months out from my deconversion, and a lot has already changed. I might try to attempt a before and after thing but there’s a lot to unpack about how I used to think and I’m not sure I’ve understood everything yet. I think I made the mistake of thinking that not very long before that repressed memory about “Sharon” and her Jonah display came crashing back in March. This is current to late July 2020 and may not include everything. 

So without any further ado, let’s talk background. First, some things I’ve already either mentioned or given more than enough evidence for. I used to be a Christian fundamentalist. (Clearly. I rant about it a lot.) I got into that because I was raised religious, then let myself fall right the fuck into what I’ll call “deep end lite” shortly before senior year in high school. Some local churches in my small town arranged a missions trip thing and the way I agreed to go along felt in the moment like surrendering to a voice that’s been speaking to me all along. In ...a way, it was. Just not the voice I thought. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want this god, at any point like ever, until that little part of me whispered that it would be easier to accept him. I have a megathread document that I’ve stored a lot of my “God stories” from my time as a Christian in. Unfortunately I didn’t remember many specific details of this experience to write down in there, but I did write a bit of a “life-story” thing that reminds me that, chronologically, that happened after a period of focused attempts by the church to indoctrinate me, some traumatic things my family did, social struggles, and feeling like an asshole because of things I’d done in the past. I remember having this growing sense over the previous year that I was approaching some kind of very dangerous breaking point, to the point where (trigger warning: mental instability, school shooter mention. Please either stop here or skip to where it says “in other words” in the next paragraph after this if that’s going to be an issue. It also keeps getting dark from there for a minute. Please, please tread with care if you need to. There is no shame at all if this becomes too much. Take care of yourself first and foremost.) 

when discussing how I came to accept the faith, I told some of my Christian friends that I felt like there was a scary chance of me becoming a school shooter. I think this may have been a post-hoc projection, but I can’t quite be sure of that. I was in a bad place for a bit there in high school. I had a wild temper and some sketchy intrusive thoughts.

In other words, it hit at a perfect moment of weakness. That’s how oppressive forms of spirituality function, it’s how hate groups function... it’s a massive shit cocktail and I found a pretty bad influence in the form of people who promote that whole “born again experience” thing in Christianity. I’d say I’m glad I missed out on being dragged into a fascist ideology this way, but uh... I’m no longer convinced I didn’t grow up around something like that. More later. 

From there I spiraled my way through my first attempts at college through the university’s chapter of the Chi Alpha campus ministry and, peripherally through that, Assemblies of God (holy shit those guys are wild), then through a local Baptist church (more peripherally) and Calvary Chapel (I was a worship guitarist here for like 18 months and helped with their youth ministry for almost as long) closer to home and a CRU chapter at my community college. With each passing year I slipped further and further into this weird shame-induced funk where I got like... addicted to Jesus and hated myself or something. It’s a bit hard to find words that don’t take multiple entire extra pages and I want to be concise, so I’ll simply call it “Jesus-flavored depression” for brevity and because that was enough of a genuinely bad time (and I’m still fucked up enough) that I might need some fairly serious therapy.

Near the end of 2018 I was reaching a breaking point, wondering why nothing ever seemed to change in my life from “sexual sin” (...which in my case literally consisted of being attracted to women and occasional self-pleasure, but they literally teach you to hate yourself for less than that in the spicier churches rip) to my direction in life to how trapped I felt by my family. I also started to have more questions about the violence in the Bible and some of the sketchier doctrines, and that was strongly reinforced by some of the things I saw in a creative writing class I took, including an atheist who shared a story of a profoundly negative experience involving being taught about hell at a very young age. All that led to the absolute disaster that was December 2018. It was my last semester at the community college I went to. Finals week was a fucking disaster, and the week before that too, and my grades were really good but at great cost. I won’t go into a ton of detail because 1. space concerns and 2. this time is still damn painful to discuss, but just know that I’m unconvinced I’d have survived that month without this song. (Yes, that’s Paramore. Shut up xD they’re still good.) I looped it for like three days straight and I think it was just enough to keep me going through what was the third time I had any suicidal kind of thoughts ever and by far the worst and longest period of it so far.

So the next several months (and I won’t go into a ton of detail about this, I intended this post more to describe my current position and I don’t wanna get too in the weeds with background) were a confusing period of questioning, starting with, of all things, my family dynamic. The spiral after the week before finals was ...considerably worsened by some comments my dad made, and between that and some experiences in the past that the creative writing class I took that fall reminded me of, I was exposed to a bit of a deeply toxic pattern. I might discuss that more deeply in another post, but for now suffice it to say that extensive youtube binges and some other research between about January and March told me the situation is probably adjacent to pathological narcissism in some way. I brought some of this up to the church I was attending at the time (a small town Calvary Chapel, if I haven’t mentioned that already) and their responses were ...inconsistent. Some people blamed me, some people said “oh dang your dad is abusive”, and some people took the “your parents are trying their best” tack. In retrospect I think that made me doubt if God’s messaging to these people could really be trusted. Then, in about April, the question of hell came up again. I was helping in the church’s budding youth ministry at the time and we had about four regular attendees between the ages of 12 and 18. There were about three weeks in a row when one of the other adults (I’ll call her Kelly for the purposes of not doxxing; also more on her later) talked at length about how unbelief leads to hell. I remembered that atheist from creative writing, made the connection to these four kids, and thought, “what the hell are we doing?” (Pun not intended but rather convenient.) I immediately backed down from my role in the youth ministry, citing other equally valid but less pressing reasons involving stress from the issues with my dad, and tried to go on with life. But the floodgates were open. 

In late May or early June, I was staring out a window one morning and suddenly a question crossed my mind unbidden: “Is God a narcissist?” I thought back to a relatively recent sermon by the associate pastor in which he explained that the purpose of the world was “for God’s glory”, to some apparent sudden flights of rage, and some other factors in the scriptures, and thought, “holy shit, I need to investigate this, because God is also very adjacent to narcissism.” It took a hot minute for the ball to really get rolling with that, but once it did... I came to a point by late June or early July where I delivered an ultimatum to God, something to the tune of “Ok, either show me how all these questions I have can be answered beyond a doubt or I’m done.” 

There was no answer. 

God was silent during this time, and the people in the church were shocked that I had the questions I did and either concerned or ...rather spicy. I joined an ex-Christian discord server to aid in a proper, thorough investigation. I aired my questions both there and on a Christian discord server. The Christian server was toxic as fuck and the ex-Christians started making a crazy amount of sense. I watched some videos from Cosmic Skeptic and TheraminTrees (most notably the latter’s deconversion story) for new perspectives and, by mid-August, had crashed out of the faith altogether.

So the last time I ever stepped into a church with the intent of attending service (I showed up after once in January of 2020 to kinda let them know and that went pretty badly lol) was about two weeks before I started college again in the fall. I burned all but one of my Bibles and a collection of gospel tracts I never did anything else with and stylized it like my limited understanding of what a satanic/pagan ritual looked like, complete with a chant in my conlang Aylaan for a more personal twist because of course, to feel edgy. (I did a lot of kind of weird shit to feel edgy; that’s one of two of them I’m sure I don’t regret.) And after that, things got ...ah, confusing?

Because of course when the linchpin of your understanding of the world gives way, everything becomes fucked for a hot minute. 

So the first thing that happened was a couple months of anxiety and confusion. I slowly started to deconstruct my inherited political views too. (More on that later.) Then I had this really beautiful interesting moment in late September where I walked past a tree on the way to a class and had a sudden realization that I didn’t have to force the tree into a Christian framework anymore, it was just a beautiful mass of green shit and cellulose. I could appreciate it in whatever way I felt was best. I damn near broke down crying in the bathroom before class, it hit me that hard. So that’s fun xD

Since then I’ve kinda gone through a bunch of funky phases with this, including a couple of months of fairly salty atheism. Along with that process, I started questioning my sexuality in December (more on that in another post in a minute lmao it’s a trip) and literally shredding my politics in the face of Trump being a crackhead in a dangerous position getting away with confirmed illegal shit, COVID-19 and the ...dehumanizing responses of corporations and their sponsored politicians, and then what I noticed about the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the fallout from that. (In a nutshell, holy FUCK there’s a huge problem and it’s messed up that people don’t see it.) At this point, I’m socially progressive and pretty left leaning. I don’t know what the hell to do about it or how either other than some of the tense discussions I’ve been having, but I’d like to work against racism and discrimination too. So that’s cool and a lot better than where I was... 

which... I regret deeply.

I don’t know exactly how to define my old political views, and they were marked by considerable cognitive dissonance. I’ll try to illustrate this as best I can but I don’t know what label I can use. Here goes. 

Cursed images aside, I think the best way to explain this is through some background, i.e. what my parents believe, because my beliefs were largely inherited. 

This might be majorly over-simplified and based on what I remember of my own pre-deconstruction views and what I hear them say lately. I’m doing my best, but take it with a grain of salt. Basically, it seems like they walk this weird line between constitutionalist and very authoritarian that I see a hell of a lot of in rural America. Kinda like the Republic party used to before they yeeted into Trump’s mindfuck wholeheartedly. They’re homophobic to a rather alarming degree (more on that in another post soon) and not ...overtly Christian-supremacist but you can tell that their ethics are dripping with it and they’re terrified of Islam and they’d like to legislate some aspects of Christian morality. They also support the second amendment, which is the one thing I still agree with them on that I’m aware of, but they take it to more of an extreme than I’m willing to. For further ...flavor, they also reject the premise that parts of our society are systemically racist (and maybe also the idea that such a thing is even possible because of course), subscribe to the “bootstrap theory” for everything they can think to apply it to, reject climate science, and have been extremely conspiratorial about COVID-19. Also they like making it out like everything is a Democrat conspiracy theory, compare the Democrats to Hitler and Stalin to a weird degree, have on at least one occasion called Fox Motherfucking News left-leaning, and think Alex Jones is wacky but sometimes raises valid points. 

So that’s, in a nutshell, a bit of a look at my past political views, except I think I was a bit more Christian-dominionist than them and I think I had moments of “...does this really make any sense?” for years before I crashed out of everything. The first domino was my Christianity, but once that fell, my entire approach to the world went some places. 

So ...yeah. Oof. I was sketchy as shit. Glad that’s changed. 

So uh... I’ve already mentioned a vague (read: as much detail as I feel confident providing) description of my political views now, but after all this bullshit let’s finally get to the other half of my titular current beliefs. This ...isn’t going to be easy to explain either, but I feel more confident going into more detail. Buckle up :^)

Alright. So except for a couple of months where I was like “there is no god reeee” half because I was sOmE hYpErInTeLlEcTuAl SkEpTiC and half because of trauma from the toxic flavor of Christianity I left and some shitty developments in both politics and my social circles (I’ll talk at some length about “Kelly” in a sec here I think), since leaving Christianity I’ve always been what I’ll call “hopeful agnostic” (I think I stole this term from Rhett and/or Link lol). In a nutshell, what that means to me is “there may or may not be a god, but I hope there is at least one and they’re nice, or like, at least some spiritual thing that has a good aspect that can help me”. I also dabble in shitty rituals where I burn dead plants and occasionally also hate literature like gospel tracts (and, that one time, a couple of bibles) and basically call on “anyone who is listening and gives a fuck, else the placebo effect” for whatever my goal is. Like... witchy-adjacent but I don’t think about it very much at this stage. I kind of enjoy it, and I think for one reason or another it can be good for my mental health, but I’m wary of any kind of commitment or even more serious experimentation, even as I hope to find something good, because ...trauma, and maybe even absent that a desire to not be wrong in a way that’s dangerous to anyone else again. So that’s fun :^)

So if you’ve made it this far through this weird bullshit, thanks, this story is kind of important to me xD and if you couldn’t, and you’re not reading this ending thingy because it got too dark or it pissed you off or something, that’s cool too and you’re beautiful and valid. Whoever you are, I hope you find whatever healing you need. :)

[mnemehoshiko]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi [BULLETPOINT TRASH EDITION]

A  SPOILERS AND OPINIONS ABOUND AND POOR FORMATTING CHOICES

(with bonus citing of external canon sources mainly the visual dictionary leaks)

Short version: I FUCKING LOVED THIS MOVIE ON SO MANY LEVELS AND IASDFSDFDASFASDSFDSFDSFSSAFDSADFSDF

Long version:

I enjoyed TFA. But it was very much a safe remake movie because JJ can literally only do remakes and monster movies. I’m also still bitter over Into Darkness BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU’RE HERE FOR SO I’M GONNA MOVE ON.

I really enjoyed Rogue One. It broke new ground etc etc but it had the freedom to do that because it wasn’t dependent on anything ultra important.

TLJ had the awkward positioning of figuring out how to move the main story forward in new and interesting ways AND not remake ESB. And I’m going to be super honest, I was 20% certain they were going to go Rey Skywalker??? Mainly because fanboys are amazingly uncreative but also because it would be a very safe way to go. Ohhhhh, of course Rey has the force. It’s because she’s of the Skywalker bloodline. ALL MAKES SENSE IN THE WORLD AGAIN.

As soon as Luke tossed that saber off the cliff, I knew that all my expectations were going to be subverted. AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!!

AND ON THE TOPIC OF LUKE, there seems to be two camps the

HELL YEAH LUKE SKYWALKER camp or the

OMG RIAN YOU RUINED STAR WARS AND LUKE ANDFS@#EWREWRWE camp, to which I’m like

so like did you watch the Original Trilogy my dudes?

No really did you watch the “OMG SHE’S PRETTY WE TOTALLY NEED TO RESCUE HER!!”

the “WELP BRB HEADING TO DAGOBAH WITH NO WARNING BECAUSE REASONS!!!!”

“NO WAIT MY FRIENDS NEED MY HELP SORRY GOTTA GO”

“BRB I JUST GOT MY WORLD VIEW TRAUMATIZED AND I NEED TO FALL IN THE ABYSS LIKE AN EXTRA (TM) BITCH”

“OH HEY I’M GONNA FIGHT MY DAD IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT I HAVE NO TRAINING WHATSOEVER BECAUSE YOLOOOOOOOOO”

like Luke Skywalker lives on impulse 

much like his father

like according to the visual dictionary, Leia was supposed to be his first student and she like said no due to like politics and family stuff

but lbr she probably looked at Luke YOLO Skywalker and was like....yeah no my dude you are a messssss

never be the first grad student

also like IF REYSKY was a thing

you’re basically saying 

YES I WANT MY HERO LUKE SKYWALKER

TO DROP A KID OF A SANDY WASTELAND THAT EVEN HE BELIEVES IS NOWHERE

which like my dude, he’s from Tatooine and if he’s saying Jakku is nowhere. then like that place is like purgatory

like I STRONGLY BELIEVE if like Rey was his kid he AT LEAST would have dropped her 

somewhere with reliable foster parents

and like water

LOTS OF WATER

OKAY I’M DONE RANTING ABOUT THIS

ANYWAY like I can totally believe with like Luke seeing the #darkness + probably Snoke’s influence in his head his immediate response was OMG WE GOTTA KILL IT and then went...oh wait this....is not a chill idea maybe we should talk shit out first/meditate etc

and like IMMEDIATE REGRET AFTERWARDS

honestly this is like textbook Male Skywalker bullshit 101

I HAVE DONE A THING!!!  i regret everything now

THIS IS A HORRIBLE SEGUE BUT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY AVENGING SPACE ANGEL LEIA ORGANA!!!!!

*CRIES A LOT*

RIAN JUST LOVES LEIA AND CARRIE SO MUCH

*UGLY SOBBING*

LEIA USED THE FORCE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

EAT IT FANBOYS!!!

FUCKING IT!!!

LIKE I KNEW BUT LIKE PURE PROOF IN FUCKING CANON

LEIA! IS! FUCKING! FORCE! SENSITIVE!!!!!

also i’m 99% certain Luke didn’t teach it her that trick so like my homegirl literally DID THAT

i just love leia so fukcing much and yes okay the cgi was kind of wonky BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE MY GENEARAL/PRINCESS JUST USED THE FORCE LIKE A BOSS THAT SHE IS

Also i just love Leia so much in this

like That Shot on Crait with her eyes over the collar is like 

POETIC CINEMA

no really someone hook a girl up and give me that shot as a lock screen

Also that scene post mutiny showing up in a 3000-thread count couture bathrobe, a matching cane, and blaster? #AESTHETIC

also personal opinion but Billie Lourd in that scene wasn’t acting as much as oh god i’m in trouble face that all children go through

**MORE UGLY SOBBING*

OKAY LETS TALK ABOUT POE ONLY BECAUSE IT’S MY BLOG AND I DO WANT I WANT

*steps on step stool*

I DID NOT CARE ABOUT POE DAMERON IN TFA BECAUSE IT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS THAT HE WAS GOING TO DIE AND ONLY GOT TO LIVE BECAUSE OSCAR ASKED JJ TO LIVE AND OSCAR ISAAC IS PRETTY BUT LIKE THAT’S ALL I GOT OUT OF THE MOVIE.

*climbs off soapbox* Poe in this film GAINED SOME DEPTH, sadly it seems to be very polarizing and I think that’s in part due to the fact that it’s pulling on backstory from the EU, primarily Shattered Empire and the Poe Dameron Comics. Shattered Empire doesn’t directly include Poe but it involves his parents, Shara Bey and Kes Dameron. His mom, Shara, went on a mission with Leia and some others for some reason I can’t remember BUT ANYWAY SHE’S A BOSS. A HERO OF THE REBELLION. Poe literally grew up around heroes. One of his squad mates in Poe Dameron is another hero from the rebellion. He has a very wide-eyed view on the concept of heroism? For him it’s daring deeds and important war-changing missions, he’s very much a soldier and not at a leader. At least not yet. You get this immediately from the fight scene with First Order and the bombing run and the aftermath of it. 

Poe sees what’s in front of him which is a destroyed Star Destroyer (?), Leia sees the whole picture which is a single ship destroyed at the cost of a significant part of their fleet. Yes, there were heroes but a resistance can’t survive on dead heroes.

You see this again in his willingness to go after the high-risk plan to somehow hack the main ship to get them to stop tracking them. He’s thinking YES THIS IS THE BOLD PLAN MISSION OF MY DREAMS!!! Except it fails, and yes I completely understand that this could have been avoid with like communication but to embark on communication? You need to let go of your ego. Ego is not a BAD THING, but sometimes it can prevent us from being our best self. The best leader we can be. And Poe does learn this as you can see with Leia passing the baton of leadership to Poe on Crait. As Poe realizes that a dramatic last stand isn’t worth the loss. It’s better to run to let the rebellion live than to die in a burst of glory. Those are the hard choices a leader has to make.

OKAY MOVING ON BECAUSE I SUCK AT TRANSITIONS, LETS TALK ABOUT ONE OF MY SONS, FINN TICO

I LOVE MY SON AND HIS TRANSITION FROM BEING A MERE FIRST ORDER DEFECTOR TO A MEMBER OF THE REBELLION !!!!!!! First I loved the fact that his characterization followed naturally from TFA which TO RECAP consisted of:

 realizing that the First Order is a horrible idea; 

getting the fuck out via some convenient pilot dude who (supposedly) dies; 

meeting a girl who STRAIGHT UP ATTACKS HIM under the hearsay of a droid

realizing she’s the BEST THING SINCE TROOPER RATIONS and attempting to flirt because running away from a organization is best done in at least a pair

getting caught up in Resistance nonsense you are 1000% Not Here for because YOU KNOW THE FIRST ORDER and you know losing odds

aforementioned Girl is taken by the First Order and you’re like WELP GUESS I GOTTA TEMPORARILY JOIN this horrible idea to save girl

Tries to save girl but gets knocked out

END OF MOVIE

TLJ PICKS UP immediately after this in which his first and only thought is FIND REY AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS NONSENSE. THIS IS NOT WORTH DYING FOR Y’ALL ARE CRAZY. Which lets be real, you’re dealing with an organization.....that can destroy an entire space system that you have personal experience with. You’ve just been attacked by the First Order, the Resistance is worse off than they were BEFORE YOU WENT TO (attempt) SAVE REY. Finn’s main priority is WELP THIS IS A LOSING CAUSE GONNA GET MY FRIEND AND BOUNCE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT HER TO DIE.

Then it hit’s him like a shock. Figuratively and literally because Rose shows up.

BEFORE I TALK ABOUT ROSE I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT PAIGE ALSO KNOWN AS i was pretty sure she was gonna die but it felt natural-ish and I also know need to buy Cobalt Squadron for like TICO SISTER FEELS. But during that bombing run you immediately got the sense of

what she was doing was already extremely risky

YOU’RE IN SHIP FULL OF BOMBS

and that her last moments were of someone incredibly important to her

and like eventually TO ALL OF US AND MEEEE

I’m going to be honest and say that this plot was probably the weakest for the audience and for me. I understood what they were trying to cover but I feel some sections got cut for the final version.

BUT BACK TO CHARACTERS, FINN!!!!

had to deal with the struggle of moving past Rey as his sole guiding focus of his story?

Also people are like OMG WHY IS HE SO WIDE EYED ON CANTO BIGHT?!?! THAT’S OOC!!!

and i’m like my dudes

he’s never been outside of the pod of stormtroopers like EVER

HE’S FROM A LIFE OF MONOCHROME AND NOW INFUSED IN A LIFE OF COLOR

Finn: OMG THIS PLACE IS AWESOME Rose: this place is trash and I’m gonna fight it

Also can I give a shout out to that section where he’s explaining the plan to Poe and like Rose is like AHEM I’M HAPPY TO HAVE A FELLOW NERD BUT ALSO I CAN TALK!!!!

Poe on the otherhand is like....ah yes...cute nerds are talking....OH WE CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP FOR FREEDOM!!! YES SOUNDS GREAT!!!

Also his interactions with DJ are essentially him seeing a potential future for himself

and like trash meta moment, unlike Kylo “I Make Poor Life Choices” Ren, he makes the decision to reject that future for himself.

Like Finn’s arc in this movie I would argue is to stop being a passive observer in the narrative and to start CLAIMING his space in the narrative that is Star Wars

like FANON!Finn is very much the Resistance automatically accepting him and him become The Dude in The Resistance

this movie ACTUALLY DID THE CHARACTER WORK for him to become a leader in the Resistance

Look I really love Finn and he finally got the character development he deservessssss

MOVING ON TO MY NEWEST DAUGHTER!!!!

ROSE!!! TICO!!! BEST DAUGHTER!! GOOD DAUGHTER!!! MY SMOL ENGINEER!!

Okay, first off. I will like forever and ever be thankful to Rian for casting Kelly Marie Tran SO JOT THAT SHIT DOWN

BUT MNEME SHE ABUSED--

finish that sentence and i will unhinge my maw to consume your filthy soul

AHEM, I mean you’re entitled to your opinions

which are wrong

SERIOUSLY THO, every time someone goes “Rose straight-up shocked a black boy till he passed out!!!!!” I’m like

okay one, he’s canonically 23 years  old

like as a black woman and one with a little brother I’m very cognizant of the impact of black violence in media and the constant view of black boys as adults

but also HE’S 23

two, Rey straight up clobbered him under the hearsay of BB-8 saying that “oh that dude has my dad’s jacket” compared to Rose catching him escaping via escape pods after catching 2/3 people doing the same thing earlier that day + losing her only living family

like if this is the hill you want to die on!?!?!?!?

I JUST REALLY ROSE BECAUSE SHE’S THE ENGINEER TAKE NO SHIT DISNEY PRINCESS OF MY COLD DEAD HEART SPACE

I just she’s so quick and smart but  get put into the ANTI-SOCIAL ASSHOLE BOX???

like yes she’s very good and detailed at her job

She also wants to fight everyone

like if i wrote an academia au (but Mneme you do---) she would be like the HELLO CLASS THIS IS OUR EXAM ALSO BONUS POINTS IF YOU GO ON A FIELD TRIP WITH ME ^_^

Student: Dr. Tico, that field is a protest.

Dr. Tico: I HAVE SIGNS AND HANDCUFFS!!!!

I just really loved her arc on Canto Bight and her care for the little people and also the emphasis it’s not the wide dramatic actions that make the resistance but the people that make it thrive.

“We win by saving what we love.”

Mneme that kiss was sexless--

THE GIRL JUST KNOCKED A SHIP OUT OF THE WAY OF A CANNON, GIVE THE GIRL A BREAK

She’s be more than down to climb him like a tree later.

OKAY WHILE WE’RE STILL DEALING WITH THE RESISTANCE

I UNDERSTAND WHY ADMIRAL AMILYN HOLDO DIED AND THE SHOT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND ELEGANT AND JUST 

#POETIC CINEMA

but also *UGLY SOBBING*

so like yes I understand that this probably could have been solved via OPEN COMMUNICATION but

Poe has literally just been demoted for flyboy antics

Poe initial interaction with Admiral Holdo consists of “soooo do you understand the situation” in front of a bunch of upper level brass

like maybe if he was like HEY HOW CAN I HELP it would have been better but he literally goes

HI ADMIRAL PLEASE LET EXPLAIN YOUR JOB AFTER I JUST MANAGED TO GET A HUGE CHUNK OF THE FLEET DEMOLISHED

cue Oscar Isaac’s prettiness

so like I understand but also I DISAGREE

also when Amilyn talks to Leia when Poe is like being carted onto the transport saying “I like him!” I’m 99% certain it was implied that she was also down to bang

actually knowing what I know from Leia, Princess of Alderaan

she’s TOTALLY DOWN TO BANG

OKAY LETS FINISH UP THIS NONSENSE WITH REMAINING TWO CHARAS ALSO KNOWN AS THIS IS A BIASED REVIEW AND IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU-KNOW-WHO YOU CAN LIKE STOP HERE AND GO

......

.....

....

*looks around* okay they’re gone?

*TAKES  OUT MIC*

FIRST THING FIRST, I HAVE BEEN REY NO ONE SINCE FOREVER AND NOW I AM VALIDATED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD~~~~

It also follows from what Maz said in TFA, “you know they aren’t coming back.” This movie is Rey coming to terms with the failure that her parents inflicted on her, abandonment, and realizing that she doesn’t need some grand legacy to save the galaxy. Being herself is enough, and that’s so so beautiful to meeeeeeeeeeeeee. *weeps*

#POETIC CINEMA

SECOND, KYLO’S ARC WAS GEARED TOWARDS MEEEEEE!!! THANK YOU FOR VALIDATING ALL THE CHARACTER SHIT I HAVE BEEN SAYING ABOUT KYLO REN SINCE TFA THAT I THOUGHT WAS FUCKING OBVIOUS!!!!!!

Them: KYLE RON WAS TOTALLY DOWN TO KILL HAN AND UNREMORSEFUL. Me: ???? did we watch the same movie??

did you like look at the lighting in that scene???

the facial expressions??

LITERALLY EVERYTHING BEFORE THAT SCENE ABOUT BEING SEDUCED BY THE LIGHT?!!?!?

Kylo himself in TLJ: i didn’t hate him

THIS CONFLICT, THIS UNBALANCEDNESS CONTINUES THROUGH OUT THE FILM!?!? Also, I’m going to be hella honest 

pre-TLJ: Renperor is such a horrible trope because Kylo Ren is a disaster human being who has no business and no interest (see Bloodline) in ruling??? LIKE YOU ARE ASSIGNING COMPETENCE TO MY SON WHERE THERE IS NONE

post-TLJ: alright, I can Work With This and I’m 99% certain he is going to be ousted because the FO is like who is this human disaster with the political savvy of a blunt post 

like any credibility was lost as soon as he decided to have force tantrum when Luke showed up

and the SHOOT THAT SHIP OUT OF THE SKY!!!! moment

like my son leads wears his trash heart on his sleeve and EVERYONE KNOWS IT

honestly the fact that he managed to lie about killing Snoke is a miracle

but this CANON!renperor 

this Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, which i am like laugh my ass of over, is not some triumphant Dark Fuck Prince??

He’s broken man who has thrown so so much into rejecting the light, becoming the monster that his uncle he feared he would become and realized that he done fucked up. 

He tells Rey, Let the past die, kill it if you have to.

LITERALLY CANNOT LET THE PAST DIE

does copy his namesakes dramatic robe dropping so like there’s that

Also pre-TLJ: meh there’s a 50/50 chance he’s a virgin but lol it will never but touched on in canon

Post-TLJ: oh god he’s a virgin i will fight you on thissss

AND NOW BECAUSE I AM THAT PERSON REY AND KYLO’S OVERLAPPING ARCS

*SCREAMS* FORCE BOND FORCE BOND FORCE BOND

oh did i mention FORCE BOND!?!?!?!?!

Okay yes Snoke helped it along but like THAT LAST SCENE WITH THE DICE AND KYLO LOOKING UP AND SEEING REY

Snoke is dead bitches

what is it

it’s the Force

it was so good to meee

Honestly that face was peak “I’m disappointed but not surprised, I left all your shit on the porch. *SLAMS DOOR IN FACE*”

Like THE INTIMACY OF THOSE FORCE BOND SCENES

and like the evolution and like ASDFDSFSDAFDS

this was so good to me y’all

so good

no really i like never rec meta but like this *kisses fingers* http://corseque.tumblr.com/post/168629533017 good shit 

THAT REGENCY TRASH PROPOSAL OF FAILURE

so good

so awful

congrats Kylo, you’ve surpassed your granddad in poor wooing skills

Like literally I can see Anakin standing next to him Force Ghost!Stylez and is just like appalled

so appalled

okay i’m done I’m going to think about star wars and start throwing all my money at the EU YET AGAIN

[erenevune]

Okay. So I’ve been stiring on this for a while so I finally decided to take a really good look at what’s actually happening.

I’d like to start off by saying that Steve was pretty much a dick the entire film. I mean I get that he didn’t want to sign the accords but the way he went about it was just so completely wrong. Thing is I completely agree with Tony because he had it right because he knew what was going on. I mean, out of the two of them who actually knows the politics of the 21st century and has worked these sorts of things for decades? Tony.

Tony knew, as soon as the Sokovia Accords were made that he had to sign on. It wasn’t about guilt, although that was part of it. It was about the fact that if they didn’t do it now, it would be much worse later and or done to them and he knew that. (He actually says this in the film.) He also knew that the only way to have ammendments was to prove he was willing to cooperate. As with any new law and it’s affected parties.

Tony knew they needed oversight. Everything has some sort of chain of command. Military. Police. Business. Etc. And Tony knew the value of having that chain.

Steve Rogers on the other hand, doesn’t seem to understand the necessity. Need I remind you that he repeatedly went against that chain and was rewarded for it? Sure, he saved a bunch of people when he went to get Bucky, but that’s not the point. He ignored the chain and there could have been dire consequences (as we see in the future after S.H.I.E.L.D fell)

Another thing. He went after Bucky. Only Bucky. Noone else. It was pure chance that he let those guys out first, but they were used as a distraction so he could get to his main goal. Bucky. We see time and time again that Steve gets tunnel vision when it comes to Bucky.

And in Civil War it escalates to the point where he’s injuring and getting innocent people killed for Bucky. Only Bucky. When it comes to Bucky, everyone and everything else is inconsequential and unimportant as long as Bucky is fine.

Steve did not read the Accords. Fact. He left for Peggy’s funeral while he was skimming. Even if he did read it all, there is no possible way (and Tony Stark would bet his fortune on it) that he understood all of it enough to make an informed opinion. Laws use a lot of big words. Big words that would have been invented in the 70 years Cap was gone. So no, Steve didn’t actually know what the Accords were about.

He probably had no idea what the UN was either. Did you see his notebook in CAWS? Pop culture. 7 decades worth of world history? No, Moon landing, that’s it. Politics? Nope. New laws or government organizations (like the UN)? Nada. I think it’s safe to say that Steve wasn’t really caught up if pop culture is the sort of thing he’s catching up on.

Steve had made his mind up already. And he can’t use the Bucky excuse because by then Bucky wasn’t in the picture yet. Steve never gave a thought to the Accords and then Bucky fueled that fire and made him stubborn to a point beyond stupidity.

So, to sum up here. Tony knew that the Accords were going to happen no matter what and was willing to help make ammendments to suit everyone affected by the law. Steve went “Fuck you, I know better that 117 countries” and got a lot of people hurt and or killed.

Here’s another kicker. Tony convinced Steve to sign the Accords. He was literally about to and then Wanda was brought up, which is another thing.

Okay, a) why the fuck is she an Avenger? She was a HYDRA agent. A willing one, might I add. She and her brother volunteered to be experimented on and then work for them. She was the cause of Ultron.

She did mess with his head, and arguably, because it probably was, it was worse for him. He was alone. He didn’t know she was there, then suddenly he’s shown his worst fears mingled with a shit tonn of major PTSD triggers. He probably didn’t even know Wanda gave him the vision. He has PTSD, he’s probably used to attacks where he sees things.

I mean seriously, Tony has made AI’S before and none of them went bad. (DUM-E, U, JARVIS, then FRIDAY) They (Bruce & Tony) even say in AOU “We’re not even close to an interface yet” which means something jumped the mind stone to hijack the incomplete program.

Then you’ve got to think, an AI is made, with incomplete programming and whatever the mind stone did, and then was instantly thrust into the Internet. No wonder he wanted to kill everything. Information overload much, then attempting to make something of it all.

She had(/has) an illogical and unreasonable hatred for Tony Stark. Sure, the bomb thing was probably traumatizing, but she’s like ~23 now. That’s over a decade since it happened and you’ve got to think, why didn’t the bomb go off?

Stark weapons were brilliant. Top of the line never failing basically. So. Two bombs are dropped, and from the sounds of it, there was no explosion or if there was it was really small. Otherwise how could they be so close to her parents without dying too?

So, this leaves two possibilities. First, was the bomb actually Stark tech? Her home was war torn at the time. I’m sure some sides would like to intimidate their enemies with the idea they have Stark weapons. OR, the bomb was never armed. Again, war torn country. It’s entirely possible the plane carrying it was shot down.

So, unreasonable and illogical. If someone stabs you, who do you blame? The knife, the manufacturer/designer of the knife, or the person who stabbed you? The third one, obviously. So why was Tony Stark to blame? We’ve also got to remember Obadiah was dealing under the table.

b) She is NOT a kid, and I don’t understand why pretty much everyone thinks she is. She’s ~23. She can drink. She can vote. She can drive. She’s killed people. She became HYDRA. In what way is she a child? The way I see it she hadn’t been one in a very long time.

c) back to CW. Steve got all pissy because Tony kept Wanda in the compound (the lap of luxury need I remind you) for her own safety and the safety of those around her. It wasn’t a matter of her starting a fight. If she’d gone out and been attacked and defended herself, the situation would be made so much worse for her. Especially if someone got hurt or dead when she did so.

Now we get to the airport. Tony tries to talk. Steve is dismissive and unwilling to listen. Steve refuses to share vital information that would have helped the situation and the threat they had every reason to believe exists.

Steve starts the fight. His team doesn’t hold back like Tony’s does. They destroy a lot of property and nearly killed T'Challa and Spiderman several times. I mean, fuck you Steve, who just drops a huge heavy walkway create thing on someone who is obviously a teen? And then WALK AWAY while they struggle to hold it up. What if you had overestimated Spiderman’s strength? Congrats, you just killed a kid because once again you show no regard for anyone else besides Bucky.

He leaves his team. They probably knew even less about the situation than he did, because he knew fuck all about the Accords so I can’t imagine the bullshit Scott and Clint were told.

Then fucking Natasha. Ffs, she could have easily either disabled/sabotaged the quinjet or delayed them from leaving. But she didn’t. Then she has the nerve to tell Tony to watch his back after she betrayed him.

Also, Rhodey. Oh my god. Everyone gives Tony shit for point blank shooting Sam, but think about it. If Sam had taken the hit and turned into a glider, Rhodey would be fine. It doesn’t completely make sense, but there was a long moment where Tony was watching Rhodey fall to his death. Sam was a quick way to lash out. He also didn’t hit him that hard, just enough to knock him down.

Zoom ahead, Tony gets evidence that prove Bucky is innocent and admits he was wrong. (About what though I’m not sure, because all he wanted to do was give Bucky mental help and a fair trial but whatever. It’s not like Steve told him about the threat or anything. Because that would have been helpful.)

Clint makes a crack at Rhodey’s condition which is such a dick move. Sam then tells Tony the information he should have been given from the beginning by Mr ‘I-Dont-like-my-team-keeping-things-from-me’ Rogers. Tony heads to Siberia as a friend.

Steve gets a little arrogant cause he’s got this attitude of 'I knew I was right the whole time and I’m glad you’ve finally seen sense’.

Then the video. This pissed me off the most I think.

You’ve just witnessed your parents brutally murdered by the person standing not 10 feet away from you. This reopens unprocessed greif and causes emotional backlash. Then you find out someone you thought of as a friend had known. Known for years. Since CAWS. And never said a thing in an environment where it would have been okay, instead of watching the murder and then being told someone close to you knew the whole time who had done it. (Again because it was Bucky. Bucky is more important than the world, remember?)

And his face. It’s so broken and betrayed. (I’d add a picture of Tumblr would let me) and he attacks, because who wouldn’t?

And then Steve does the worst possible thing he could in that situation. Fight back. When someone is having an emotional breakdown like that, you hold them until they calm down and Steve was well within his power to do so. If he’d tried he probably could have talked Tony down.

Fighting more fighting. Steve starts disabling the suit. To you can no longer fly properly. Then he proceeds to continue to be violent and make it worse and acts like it’s not a justifiable or reasonable reaction for a human to have (especially one with PTSD and a past of horrible things happening when he’s betrayed by someone close to him)

They gang up on him. Then Bucky had him pinned and is trying to rip out the Arc Reactor. Once again, PTSD. Also, need I remind you that he’s only recently had it removed from his chest. That was the only thing keeping him alive for a long time. In the state of mind he was in, he wouldn’t have remembered he no longer needed it to survive, hence blasting off his metal arm.

By this point he seems to have calmed down a bit and isn’t actively going for the kill, he’s just defending himself at this point.

He tells Cap to stay down, because he doesn’t want to fight him, and when he’s momentarily distracted Cap jumps on him and slams him to the ground. Tony barely does anything and then Steve is punching the faceplate. Then he’s smashing it with the sheild.

There’s this moment, you can kinda see it in the 3 secs of gif tumblr would let me use. There’s this moment where Steve is seriously considering decapitation. Tony sees this, is terrified and emotionally unbalanced and covers his face.

Steve slams the sheild into the reactor and leaves it there. Tony goes wide eyed with terror and let’s out a very not good sounding breath. He’s looking at Cap with such fear because he saw what Steve was about to do. Saw him stab him in the back and literally break his heart. (Kept him alive for years, remember?)

There is so much fear and Steve looks at him with no regret for what he just did and twists the sheild out of Tony’s chest and walks away.

When he drops it, his expression is like indulging a child in something stupid.

Then he leaves him there to die basically. Tony can’t fly, the suit is dead. Can’t contact anyone. The suit is dead. Noone knows where he is and T'Challa took Steve and Bucky with him when he left.

Steve Rogers beat Tony to a pulp after he witnessed something truly traumatizing and then left him to die in the middle of nowhere in an old HYDRA base.

They act like it was Tony’s fault for the Raft as well. I mean, they’re powered and dangerous and also criminals. The Raft was a bit much though, I’ll admit. But Tony didn’t put them there. He brought them in because he was following the law like everyone else on the planet should. Because he didn’t think himself above the law the Steve did. (Aka flipping the bird at 117 countries whose people say they’re scared and what someone to oversee the Avengers) and the jacket and collar on Wanda was unethical. I think the collar on its own would have been fine but wearing a straitjacket for too long is really bad for your health.

And then just to put the icing on the cake. The letter. The damn fucking letter. It’s mocking. It’s arrogant. Not once is there an apology or true regret. Other than regretting that they’re now criminals who hurt so many people that is. But mostly just the fact they have to hide when 'they did nothing wrong’. No remorse for anything. Not for Tony, defiantly not. That would be decent. Not for anyone else either.

“I know I hurt you”. That’s not an apology. There was no mention of the destruction he left behind in his quest for saving a single man, who has killed people. A lot of people. By choice or not, it was still his body. His life was not worth the loss of so many innocent lives. There was no acknowledgement of how deeply you hurt Tony. How much you damaged him.

Steve basically says. “I forgive you for being wrong and because I’m such a nice and just person when you see I’m right I’ll be here for you and all will be forgiven. Because we’re still friends/family. Even if you fucked up.”

Argh. Angry ranting at 2am. I’ve probably missed points I wanted to make but my wrists are cramping and I’m tired.

I just… I used to like Steve, but Tony a little more because he always seemed more relatable to me. (And had a more interesting backstory.) And then this movie just made me hate Cap so much. He was such a dick in it and it annoys me that the movie was obviously trying to get you to side with him. Feel free to add anything to this.

[fallen029]

One Last Time.4

Anytime I go back to write a character who I haven’t written in awhile, I like to go back and read the last chapter that involved them, to get a feel for them again. So, for Ravan, that would be this chapter from One Last Time. I don’t post Remember Me stuff over here (no one seems to care much for it here...or at all), but I was reading this chapter back and I really fucking liked it and I was just thinking it’s kinda shitty that something of my work, that I like, isn’t unilaterally on all of my fic dumping places, so here’s a single fucking chapter to something without any context. 

Full Story on FF

Full Series on Archive

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They were so alike that they were destined to clash.

That's what people always thought, anyways, of Haven and Ravan. Even they could conceded, at least now, to that fact. When they were children, they had so much stored vitriol and animosity for those around them that it was only natural they'd find it easiest to take it out on the only other person willing to give it right back to them. Up until the point they found one another, Haven spent her days constantly being disappointed by her sister, Navi, and Locke for their inability to continue to take the beatings she was doling out without crying to their parents.

Until Ravan showed up. He had no parents, for one thing, and also a resistance to giving in. They'd battle one another til they were both bloodied and even though, when they got older and became friends over time, the feeling of completely expending yourself, losing nearly all of your magic and having to slink home broken, were some of the best memories Haven held of the guy.

She'd always had a penchant for violence. It paired unfortunately well with her spoiled nature. From the time she was given free reign around nine or so, to go and do as she pleased throughout Magnolia, Haven mostly found herself bothering older children in the neighborhood, until, eventually, finally, they'd conceded and throw down with her.

It...usually didn't go her way.

But fuck, there was just something about it. There always had been for her. Something that her mother and father didn't understand. Or, more than likely, pretended as if they didn't.

To get to the pinnacle, to reach your apex, you have to claw your way up from the bottom. Broken, bruised, and bloodied. It didn't count otherwise. All the origins stories of the famed wizard she grew up in the shadows of had immense hurdles and struggles to overcome in order to garner their celebrity. Since she had next to none of that, the only other option was to manufacture it. Cause injury and hurt where none would appear otherwise.

Plus, well...Haven liked it even more when she wasn't the one getting her ass kicked.

Ravan, however, wasn't manufacturing his pain and suffering. Instead, he was coping with the actual fallout of a traumatic event while adjusting to a new life with a not nearly as sympathetic as she should be at times mentor.

And it felt so fucking good to lay into Haven, to really slam his fist into something, into someone, and just let it all out. Getting shocked wasn't pleasant, it never would be, but that slight tick, right before you realize that Haven had scorched you through, where your body seizes up and you kinda feel nothing for a moment…

There was no deeper reason for him hating Haven. Not really. Not any that he didn't lay out quite openly. She was spoiled and a bully and was a wholly rotten kid. Someone had to put her in her place. Why shouldn't he be allowed joy while doing so?

Never once did he consider her anything close to a friend during those early years. At all. Even when he was forced into palling around with the others, he saw all of them, Navi and Locke as well, as obstacles. Ravan didn't want friends. He'd had friends, most of them had died, and now he didn't need anymore. The same with parents. They were dead and Erza was nothing close to either of them. She was just...there. Kind of like how the slayer kids were just there.

But then one day changed everything.

He didn't understand why Haven sat with him, that day, while he embarrassingly wept, exhausted and beaten. The memory now felt jaded by all they'd gone through over the years, but he could attest with confidence before that moment, he'd never thought of Haven as anything more than an adversary. A rival. Maybe not even. You respect a rival; he vehemently hated the blonde. More than anyone else in his life.

She certainly felt the same way about him. He was for sure she did. And yet, instead of mocking him or running off to tattle, she just sat there, in the dirt. Silent. Not trying to give her opinion or force him into something he didn't want. He wasn't to be tricked, of course, and knew it wasn't the case, there was no way it was the case, but…

Why did it feel like she understood?

How could she?

Her parents weren't dead. She wasn't alone. She wasn't lost and broken and lacking any semblance of self-confidence or reliance.

But there was something in it. That day. As he fractured before her. It...changed things. It changed her, maybe, he wasn't sure, but it definitely changed him.

It felt like he wasn't so alone. That maybe there was someone, even a spoiled slayer kid, that felt the same way as him.

They didn't fight as viciously again. Never again, he was pretty sure.

Oh, they fought. They fought a lot. But it only continued to taper off from there and eventually…

Well…

Heh.

Haven was...reasonably attractive, he always thought, when they got to the age where that mattered, and she paid attention to him, when other people just looked right through him, and she never thought he was creepy. At all.

And he knew, if he'd had just been smarter than stupid Locke and had just said something to Haven, or had just cornered her the same way creepy Locke, then...then…

And it was stupid.

All of it was so stupid.

He was so stupid.

He was hung up on dumb shit that happened, god, it was over half a decade ago. Would he still be so bothered by it in a decade? Haven was, at most, mediocre, right? Right? And she was a fucking nightmare to have as even a friend. A fucking nightmare. And she'd fucked Locke's life up, so shouldn't he just consider himself lucky to have not been involved in all of that?

But he was involved in all of that, because he just thought, if they went out on an adventure together, a real serious one, the fucking gauntlet, and he'd get Haven the only thing she'd ever wanted. All she'd ever wanted. Power. More than she'd know what to do with. And then she'd team up with him, she'd be with him, and he'd be fine if she was with him in literally any capacity that wasn't with Locke, and then they could go on to do all of the things they wanted and he just...he just…

He just phased through it because his mind was leaving him and he was going crazy and she was going to go home with Locke and he'd thought they'd won the gauntlet and it was just reaction and he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't breath, he couldn't…

"Come on, Ravan," Haven was taunting, in that moment, as he did the best he could in that moment, to connect his blade to a purple blast she sent his way, an orb, sending it flying off in the opposite direction. "Fuck your swords. Show me your real magic. Defense is for cowards." There was a glint in her eye then, from where she stalked him, both moving in tandem to one another in a contentious dance. Gleaming, she remarked then, "Maybe that's why you're so into it, huh? You little coward."

"Are you… Haven, did that demon…. Did it get back inside of you?" Ravan still stood in his same dance, not on the attack, not until he knew for certain. "When were in the lab? Or-"

"You're a fucking idiot. You always have been. You know that?" She was advance on him now, shaking her head some as her blue eyes flared in the rising sun's light. "You're pathetic."

"Haven, if you're in there-"

"I never liked you. I was never your friend. At all. I was using you, idiot. And not even the good type of using you, like I was everyone else. Because you were such a little sucker that I didn't even have to give you anything, nothing at all, in return for you basking in my attention." She no hint of the demon inside of her. Not an ounce. All her words, her mannerisms, belonged solely to her, another her, maybe, from years past, that had grown and changed, but had to still exist, as all former selves did, beneath facades and layers. Something, clearly, had revealed this once more and, as it sneered in Ravan's face, "So be the same pathetic little wimp you always are and do as I say; fight. Or I else I'll fucking slaughter you. I fucking swear."

There was a strange moment, just a beat, where he processed her words and she took a breath, Haven did, about the same time he gulped one in, and everything felt so still as she came to a stop before him now, his blade drown between them, time having passed, so much fucking time, and yet…

"In my darkest hours, I turn to you, the heavens above. Grant me the power only Raijin can wield!"

It happened so quickly and yet, not really, was it? This was a long time coming, as Haven's arm shot into the sky, which seemed to darken in a blink, dropping voided lightning straight down, her catching it with with no fear, even knowing the pain this could bring. It was, after all, the only way to get stronger.

There was something different about it though, this time, than it had been out on the cliff that day. Much like for the demon, Haven's eye blacked immediately, fully engulfed save the tiny red dot in the center, becoming as tenebrous as the armor Ravan reequipped into, shiny and reflecting the glows of her duel wielded magic.

He thought he was going to have to kill her, before, once. Not so long ago. In the hot summer that granted her rebirth. But first, he'd spent some agonizing hours, dreading his lot in life, which was surely putting an end to the terror that stood before him now. After all, someone had to put Haven in her place.

Why wouldn't it be the one person who would enjoy it?

But he hadn't enjoyed it. He wasn't enjoying this, as she flew at him with such ferocity, such animus vigor, that it was all he could do to toss up his blade, not catching her magic now, but rather her forearm, a power struggle of swords as she pressed her flesh harder against the blade, as if her body were her own weapon.

And wasn't it?

Ravan fell away, just slightly, stumbling in shock as he watched her wound weep blood from behind his visor, his helmet not providing near enough shielding from what he could clearly now diagnose as insanity.

Whatever he'd done, in bringing her back here, in allowing her to come back here, it was a mistake.

"One of us," Haven insisted to him then as she hardly seemed to even feel it, the stinging in her arm as she merely formed a fist and shot a blast of sticky black lightning straight for the man, "is going to die here, Ravan. And if you keep this up, it's definitely going to be you."

It was all he could do then, Ravan could, to jump out of the way of the sickening crackle of lightning, diving to the side first into a roll, and then into invisibility. She wasn't giving him time to think. He needed to think to-

"You do have a death wish, don't you?" Her eyes flew around the clearing wildly. "I know you, Ravan; you can do all the training you want, with your mom's stupid boyfriend and his friends, take in as many lacrimas as you want, it doesn't matter; you will never have enough magic to pull it off for long. This invisibility shit. It soaks up too much magic. So come out, before I have to- Found you!"

This time, she stomped her foot, heavily, into the ground, the crackling following the path and scorching the ground in its wake.

Ravan cried out as, having fallen forwards, intending to duck her next shot of lightning, he was in the direct line of sight for this ground current and it burned him. Through the armor. He could feel it. This was the magic that nearly downed the final monster on the gauntlet.

If he didn't do something, it would certainly fell him.

Shoving up, he phased back into view, taking a few gasping breaths as Haven stood there, stock still, watching him with a heavy gaze.

"I didn't fucking," he growled to her then as his breath caught back up to him, "kill you, Haven. On that cliff. It wasn't my fault."

And it wasn't.

He knew it wasn't. Now.

But oh, he'd spent so long being unable to come to that conclusion.

The day hung in his memory like no other. Even memories from when he was a boy and a sea monster descended upon the shores of his village, killing most of his family, were beginning to finally, fully fade. Just in time though, there was that final monster, on the gauntlet, to bring him a new memory to haunt his dreams.

Locke had come out of nowhere. From the forest or something. While Ravan was busy dodging blasts from the summoned monster. And Haven, she'd been injured, maybe, behind him, but then there was Locke, just like always, in their perfect little storybook relationship where she fucking sleep around on him and he act like the little bitch he always was, bowing to her every whim, and look, he was saving her again, wasn't he? Just like always.

Fucking idiots.

Both of them.

And fuck 'em, right? Fuck them. Fuck the two people who could have changed his life for the better, could have accept him and been friends with him, but no, Haven had him marked from the first time she saw him and made Locke hate him too. Enough so that even once she forgave him, one she turned the other cheek, her little lapdog couldn't do the same. And it had to be because he knew, didn't he? Locke did? How much better Ravan was than him for her? For Haven? And he was jealous because their friendship, their relationship, made sense, but Locke and Haven had long grown out of one another, hadn't they?

Hadn't they?

But here he was, once again, like the little piss ant he was, lost without his queen telling him directly what to do, and she wanted to be the hero. The victor. So that she could just walk right back out of his life, both their lives, really, the two of them, and go on with her power to do whatever the fuck she wanted.

It wasn't fair.

As childish and silly as it was, that's what Ravan realized that day, out on the cliff, as Haven used her special magic that she'd saved up, just for that moment, to presumably kill the final monster, and then sickeningly makeout with her dumb boyfriend over her victory, and it was never going to be him. Ever. He'd always been the replacement, no, worse; he was the placeholder. When Locke wasn't available, when Locke wouldn't understand or blindly agree to her words, he was there to make her feel heard and agreed with and, most importantly, in power.

And for what?

For fucking what?

So he was going to walk away. Not run away. Just leave. He was going to leave before her dumb family showed up, or whatever was going to go down, and he was going to be gone, then, from the cliff and her life, honestly, and maybe if things had ended there, if everything went how it had always gone up to that point, in her and Locke's favor, then this would be a sign. A final straw.

Haven was never going to be with him.

Or even be his friend.

He was going to walk away from that idea, that dream, and just let it die already, leave it in the past, with her, and her dumb actual boyfriend, and move on with his life, actually move on with his life.

And then…

She caught his arm. She'd rushed after him and grabbed his arm and was holding onto him, confused, because in her spoiled little world, Haven just couldn't understand it, didn't get why everything wasn't going exactly how she wanted, how she envisioned it. He was ruining things by having feelings and emotions and not being totally just okay with her boyfriend being all over her when, only a few nights prior, that was him and they were alone then, and everything was so much better, before that moment, and only continued to go downhill since then, and that had been the peak, right? Of their relationship? It was never going to get any better from there, and they were in the descent, and you couldn't break up with someone after hooking up once, but you could destroy a friendship that had spanned a childhood, and the monster threw something.

An orb.

At them.

And he just…

Did what came naturally.

Phased through.

Evaded.

Avoided something that might hurt him only to have it catastrophically fail and hurt him far worse.

"I didn't kill you," he was repeating with a shake of his head then, but his stance was different now and that time, when he let out a breath, it was only to suck in all the vitriol she was spewing out. "But now I'm going to."

Haven grinned then, but it wasn't so sweet, and when Ravan came rushing at her, blades drawn, she was more than ready. She may have even laughed, Ravan thought, but he couldn't be too sure of it, over the sound of the blood pounding in his ears, and she shocked him again, and again, and he was slashing her, but it wouldn't be enough, because there was only one way to kill her, but…

"Try it," she threatened when they fell away from one another, and her clothes were ripped and she was bleeding, rather heavily, from one wound in specific on her shoulder blade, but Haven only had eyes for him as she panted as well. "Won't work, but try it."

She was talking about his signature, finisher. The final move she'd first seen during the gauntlet. The blue hued light that would engulf his enemies, ending them. When he fell away that time, it was with the intention of using it, yes, at least as a threat tactic, but Haven sneered at this as well.

"If you do that," she told him then, "and it works, fine. You killed me. But if it doesn't, because it didn't, in the fucking guildhall last time, then what? Ravan? You're all out of power and time and I finish you off. That's the gamble, right? It either obliterates your enemies or it only slightly inconveniences them and they feast on you. Didn't work on me before; why would you try it now?"

"It didn't work," he replied darkly, "on the demon. But you don't have the demon inside of you anymore, Haven. You're mortal. Just like the rest of us."

His armor was in poor shape. That God Slayer lightning was eating it alive, ripping right through the protective plating and the glass had shattered on one side, on his visor, just barely missing his eyeball as it flew into his helmet, and fuck.

Fuck.

Every time he tangled with her, he wound up having to buy a new suit.

"I'm nothing," Haven assured him, "like the rest of you. And I don't need the fucking demon inside of me, moron. Don't you get it yet? I am the demon." She laughed then, truly, and he heard it, as she looked up at the sky above, at the dark skies that loomed overhead. "I spent my whole life wanting to be a Dragon Slayer, just like my father. I thought that it was what made him so special, being a dragon, but now I know. Now I get it. His magic, the ultimate form of his magic… Lightning. Electricity. Flowing through me. And now..." She looked down then, at her hands, both pulsing with their separate magics, "Combined with the power of my mother, this demonic energy I've absorbed inside of me…" She slammed both hands together and a magic circle appeared before her as she insisted, "I'm fucking invincible!"

The purple beam that came towards Ravan now was laced with the black lightning and it was going to hit him. Unless he phased through it. But if his magic went to phasing through it, in that moment, he wouldn't have been able to divert it elsewhere.

As her magic ripped through the last of his armor, Ravan forced his focus into reequipping his sharpest, most rigid spear into his hand, and he rushed forwards, through the beam, yelling in equal pan as much sa attempting to stay alive, keep oxygen pumping through him just long enough to fall into Haven, the spear piercing her flesh fully, and he collapsed into her as she fell backwards, a choking noise causing the laughter to die off in her throat.

But only momentarily.

While Ravan fell away in absolute agony, the magic making it difficult for him to breath, clawing at his helmet, trying to rip it off, rip it all off, away from him, to get pure access to any air he could get, Haven only stayed there, the spear having torn right through the scarring she already had, from the final monster on the gauntlet, gasping in her own breaths at first.

But then he heard it.

She was laughing again, sickeningly, disgustingly, as blood fell from her mouth and she sounded overjoyed by what had occurred between the two of them.

His armor, spent and done with, faded back into his reequip as Ravan stayed there, on his knees, while tears pricked his eyes and he questioned, "Why? Why?"

"Because you left me."

She was standing then, woozily, but determinedly, stumbling across the clearing to where her pack lay forgotten. Rifling through it, Haven quickly produced some sort of vial, a potion of some sort, no doubt concocted by her dumb boyfriend, and she cried out, when she had to pull in the smoothest motion she could manage, the spear from where it lay buried in her flesh. Quickly, she tossed the liquid from the vial over the gaping wound in her stomach, it fizzling against her flesh as she hissed, and when Ravan glanced over again, it was little more than a scrap.

"You," she got out as her eyes, one marred still, found his from the other side of the clearing, "let me, Ravan. To die. To fucking die. You abandoned the quest and ran and hid, like a fucking child."

He fell then, off to the side, as his body was wracked with shaking and uneven breathing. Tears flowed now, truly, from his eyes, and he couldn't help it. He was crying, as he was unable to properly gather air in his lungs, while Haven only reached back into the pack before coming to stand over him.

"I win." Bending down, she had to force him not to turn his head as she pressed a vial to his lips. "Drink. Idiot."

He didn't want to, but his body ignored his heart, and the searing pain was slowly ebbing away as Haven, exhausted, fell back onto her butt beside him.

"Apply magical poison to the tips of your spears." She looked down at the tattered shirt she wore. "It would have made it less likely I could have gotten to my vial in time. Then you might have won."

'You're fucked," he sobbed while Haven only sat beside him, watching.

"No." And the sky was clearing now as the magic had long died away in both her arms. Staring him dead in the eyes, she only insisted, "I'm chosen."

Time had lost meaning during their battle, but it was coming back to them both slowly then. Ravan practiced his breathing while Haven poked at the wound in her stomach before, eventually, shifting back over to her pack.

He skewed his eyes shut, Ravan did, as she seemed to have little care for his presence as she tugged her shirt over her head and took a bottle of water out, to begin dumping it over her many nicks and cuts. She had to riffle through the pack one last time for gauze, which she began to wrap around her arms while glancing over her shoulder.

"Aw," she remarked dryly. "You mad at me?"

"Fuck off."

And he wanted to.

He really did.

He wanted to leave her then, right there, and they'd just never see one another again, and it would be like he had killed her. Or she him. A fitting end to the worst relationship he'd ever had in his life.

But he only laid there, miserable and somewhat immobile, honestly, while Haven licked her wounds and he sulked in his own.

"I'm not going to apologize." When he snorted at her words, Haven insisted, "I'm not. Ravan. You owed me this."

"What the fuck even was this?" He finally was able to force himself into sitting up, just a bit, as he ran a hand over his eyes. "Haven?"

"I've already told you," she snapped in annoyance. "I wanted to test my powers fully, before I went away with Locke. Remember? And the only way I could do that was-"

"By trying to get me to kill you? By trying to kill me?"

"If you didn't believe it was real," she chided, "you wouldn't go all out. And I wouldn't be able to go all out on you. I didn't do this to hurt you; I did this for me." Then she heard how that ending bit sounded and frowned before saying, "But only because you deserve it. You owed me. Heavily. Consider us all even now, huh?"

But his eyes were still dark as he shook his head and said, "You'll never get it."

"How you left me?" she retorted, annoyed now, like she always was, by someone not understanding her own case immediately while giving no regards to theirs. "How I laid there, dying, and my friend turned his back and-"

"You'll never understand any of it," he kept up, and he felt unwell, but refused to back down. Not over this. Not when they'd already come so far. She'd gone back to her gauze, stewing now no doubt, but he only insisted as he said, "You're too fucking selfish. All the people in the entire world, in my fucking life, who deserved a second chance, to come back, who'd actually mattered, and it's fuck you who gets to come back? Fuck this. Fuck all of this."

"You," she retorted as she turned, just like that, on her heels to glare at him with just as much fire as she had when they were tussling to the death, "don't know me. Ravan. At all. You have no idea what I am anymore. You didn't when we went out on that stupid gauntlet either. You don't know me. And you haven't since I was, what? Sixteen? Fuck you."

But he wouldn't let her have it, the higher ground, even if he still couldn't peel himself up off it. Tone tight, he questioned back, "And you know me?"

"I know that you left me." She tucked the gauze now, dropping her arms as she stared over at him. "And I know that you never apologized for it."

"What the fuck do you apologize for? Huh?'

"Everything. To everyone who deserves it." And she let out a short huff of breath then, through her nose. "To Marin, to Locke, to...my family. I'm a different fucking person now, Ravan. Than I was even six months ago. I'm getting better, every fucking day. Becoming better. And you don't get to come in and tell me I'm not."

She paused, waiting for his retort, but when none came, Haven took a deep breath before slowly taking steps towards him.

"I'm sorry. Ravan."

He refused to look at her, turning his head, but it didn't matter; her words penetrated regardless.

"I am. I...don't say that word very often, but it's true." She was beside him now and it was with a bit of a wince that she fell back, into the dirt beside him once more. "I am sorry. That I...made you keep going. On the gauntlet. That I made you think that I was going to...be your girlfriend or whatever it was, that you wanted. I'm sorry that I laughed at you. Every single time I laughed at you. I'm sorry if I...if I'm… I was ever part of the reason that you hated yourself so much. I was a really shitty kid and you don't have to believe me or forgive me, but I just thought… I'm going to go away, Ravan. For a long time. And...if we really don't ever see one another again...no joking or being a jerk, but… I'm sorry. For being such a lousy friend. And even worse to you, before I was that. I was going through my own things and preyed on you because of it. I can't go back and fix it, but… I'm sorry."

He fell backwards then, Ravan did, flat on his back, to stare up at the clear sky now, blinking some at the harsh light of the morning sun. Softly, he said, "I got scared. Haven. When you… I got scared and I ran and you're right. I was a coward. I've always been one. But you don't know what it was like, after you died. Your father ran me out of my home and your boyfriend turned everyone else against me. I was alone. I mean, I had Kai and Erza and...Marin, but other than that...it was just me."

Haven seemed to consider what he said, but only for a moment or so before remarking simply, "Hasn't it always been that way?"

Considering this as well, Ravan soon found himself shaking his head softly as he replied, "No." Resting his head on its side then, he stared over at her blankly as he added, "Before I always had you."

A silence passed between the two of them then, a shared one, but when Haven looked poised to ruin it, Ravan found he couldn't let her.

So he did instead.

"Why," he asked softly then, turning his head to look back up at the bright, blue sky, "do you love Locke?"

Haven frowned then, not prepared for this, and instead of answering, only countered, "Why do you hate him?"

And, for some reason, Ravan had an answered prepped for this very question. Perhaps he always had and had just been waiting forever for someone to finally ask him.

"Because he has a dad. Who wanted to teach him a bad ass magic. But then he chose something shitty instead and bitched constantly because his dad was disappointed in him." Ravan tossed an arm over his eyes then, not trusting himself to glance over at her. "Because he could talk to girls. Easily. And get them to laugh. And not think that he was a creep. Because they'd think he was cute even though he's fucking not and people thought he was so funny, but he's just dumb. Because Kai thought that he was so great and Marin likes him so much, even though I spend way more time with them and they should like me way more than him. Because his mom is always so nice to him and would pack him lunches, when we'd go out training, and was always there, when we got back from jobs, to ask him how it was, instead of just standing around and making snide remarks because he wasn't as sweet or thoughtful as everyone else. Because…you liked him. Always. More than me. And I have always just been second best to him and… Because if I had all those things then...then I could be just as good as him."

Ravan dropped his arm, after his final sentence, before finally glancing at Haven. Softly, he prompted, "Your turn."

She made a face at him before shrugging and looking off.

"I don't know," she admitted softly, but when she noted, his eye roll, she only insisted, "I don't. I don't… Ever since I was a little kid, he's always just been there. Like Navi, I guess, or you, kind of, but Locke's always cared about me. Really cared about me. And looked out for me. He's just always been my best friend. More than normal people say that word. There's literally always been nothing in the world that would ever make him turn on me. Or me him. And then, when we got older, I just…

"One day, I just realized that… I don't...feel things, sometimes. Like normal people. But when I'm with Locke, it doesn't matter. If I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, he just grins or sometimes complains at me, but he wants the best for me, for us, and it didn't matter when I was a horrible person, because fuck, I was a horrible person, but he always knew that I could get better. That I would get better. And he's waited for me. Whether we get there as friends or more, he's just always waited for me and wanted me, no matter what, and that just...means everything to me."

She looked down then, Haven did, to glance at her pendant, holding up the blue gem tightly before saying, "One day, you're gonna find someone who makes you feel the same way. Not someone who makes you feel like shit all the time, like I do, except for the rarest moments, but someone who actually cares about you and you care about too and you're not going to fight, constantly, and even when you do, it's not going to bring you to your lowest, because you know that you're...okay. No matter what. The two of you. I was...never going to always be there for you, Ravan. No matter what happened during or after the gauntlet. Or at any other point. And admit it; you've only ever been into me for stupid reasons. I'm actually a really horrible person."

"You're right." He glaned at her again. "Never did. You're a piece of shit."

"Yeah, and so are you, asshole."

"Haven-"

"It'dda ended horribly." She was looking up at the sky then, with a frown. "If we didn't go to that last monster. Just fucked outta there, together. We'd have ended up hating one another."

"How's that different from now?"

"I don't hate you, Ravan." Eyes falling, she stared straight into his, one still blackened from her spell. "And I haven't in a long time. I wouldn't take you all the way out here to kill you if I hated you; I'd legitimately just kill you." Then she frowned. "Or I would have. I'm a better person now, you know."

"Yeah. I think I've heard."

"It's because of you that I thought of it. You know. Going to Bosco. And that Erza even thought to offer me a chance to help with the resistance." That time, finally, really, her smile felt slightly wry, with just the right amount of irony that he knew, he was sure, it belonged to her, the one he knew, regardless of time or space. "And it's because I died that you're doing what you love now, right? That you finally left the dumb guild behind? So, I guess we really are even, aren't we? Everything in our lives is going to turn out alright, because of one another. That must count for something, huh?"

He sniffled some, Ravan did, maybe allergies, maybe injury, or maybe something else, but after doing so, he whispered softly, "I'm sorry, Haven. For leaving you there. For even mentioning the dumb gauntlet to you. I was being selfish, the whole time, trying to trick you into…into...being with me. I'm sorry for bugging out on you, after we… I'm sorry for getting all weird or...creepy and… I'm just sorry. I guess. For everything."

The sun felt warm now, and she still had a bit more patching up to do, Haven did, so she stood, but not before insisting simply to him, "I'm not."

It would take awhile before either of them were ready to head out. They were both weak and sore, having used up too much of their magic at once, far too early in the day, and the hike back to the train station no longer looked so simple and easy. Still, they had to leave eventually and waiting a day was out, for a good number of reasons, but mostly because they'd only be even more sore the longer they gave their bodies to adjust.

Haven stood though, suddenly, as they were nearly out of the forest, and stopped to look behind them, where they could just barely see the fortress in the distance, looking much more regal and fearsome when only given a small portion of the picture.

"Yeah," she sighed softly, having changed back into the hoodie and with the sunglasses hiding her fucked up eye. "I shouldda torched that place."

Ravan was hiding behind his bandanna, muffling his speech as he said, "Nah. Now you can always go back and loot. When you need to."

"Yeah." She agreed for once, rather than calling him a name or spawning an argument. Turning her back once more, she started walking again. "If I ever need to."

They were both battered and broken when they reached a city, and thought they looked awful, still ventured to find some food, some actual food, before trudging in silence to the nearest train station.

Haven though that they'd be going back to Kai's place together, but it was only once they got there and were looking over board times that Ravan told her to send his regards.

"They're gonna think that I did something to you, out here, all alone," she pointed out and he didn't feel like explain she had. Far too much, in fact.

"I just need to get back. There's no reason for me to go all the way to the coast if I'm headed the other way." Ravan looked off then with a sigh, because it was hard to have a conversation in a busy station. At least when you were so inclined to muttering. "Tell Kai and Marin that I'm sorry, but it's work. They'll understand. Both of them, now."

Haven really wanted him to go with her, but he'd already done so much (and gone through it as well) for her benefit, that she found it difficult to force the issue. But as her train would be arriving soon, before his, she found that she had to get any more of it out, whatever she could, because whatever she didn't might hang over them for a year or two and, as someone who'd already lost so much time, she knew how precious it was, especially once wasted.

It shocked Ravan though, who'd had a pretty shocking day over all, but when Haven, after being silent for so long, suddenly launched herself at him, he nearly fell over.

Hugging him tightly, Haven insisted, as she closed her eyes, "When I get back...no matter how long it's been… I'm going to find you. And we're going to talk about all the shit we've done since we last saw one another. So you better actually be fucking doing something important, alright? 'cause you'll look pretty fucking lame if you don't."

He'd been confused, at first, by her gesture (hugs weren't something Haven just threw out...it might be the first one he'd ever gotten from the girl, literally ever), but slowly, at first, he patted at her back before also relaxing some and clinging to her as well.

"Just watch out for yourself," he insisted as, slowly, they parted, and it was hard to look one another in the eyes, but both forced themselves to do so. "Haven. And...watch out for your dumb boyfriend too. He's really trusting and stupid and… You should just both be careful. I wanna actually see you, when you get back. Not just hear about all the good things you died trying to accomplish."

The train would arrive not soon after that, and Haven didn't realize how hard it would, to say, as a lump rose in her throat, and she couldn't imagine how much more difficult it would be, when she was forced to do it with everyone else in the coming weeks.

"Goodbye," she told him, raising her hand a bit, as if to wave, even though he was still right in front of her. "Ravan."

He raised his own, but it was to tug down his bandanna, and he felt it too, in his throat, but forced himself watch as she turned to walk away, calling out softly, "Goodbye, Haven."

And it had been so weird, everything had been so weird, for the past few days, especially since he woke up that morning, and then she was gone, gone for good, maybe, possibly, and he was more thankful than he thought he would be, for the burning in his chest and the bruises forming over his body, because at least he could be certain, as he got on his own train not long after, that it had happened. That she had happened.

And that it had ended.

For now.

It was evening by the time Haven arrived back in Kai's sleepy, coastal town, and Haven only rolled her eyes, from behind her sunglasses, when upon arriving at his home, her sister and the man seemed concerned over her appearance.

"You should see," she joked weakly, as Lance, who was around the house also, thanked everything he'd convinced Kai to get out of that crazy guild, "the other guy."

"Are we not going to?" Marin asked with a frown.

"He had to head out," Haven remarked simply as Kai got her a med kit from the bathroom, but seemed wholly disappointed his brother hadn't come back around.

"Well," he offered thoughtfully. "'least you guys had a good time, right? Beating up some random guy?"

"Something like that," Haven agreed as Marin still eyed her suspiciously. "Yeah."

Kai insisted they stay another night and Haven obliged (mostly because she was feeling rather weak after all it had taken to arrive back there), falling back into the couch as Lance and Kai left to go scrounge up some dinner for everyone.

Slowly, Marin came to join her sister on the couch, who was sitting with her eyes closed, sunglasses still hiding them from the world.

"Did you and Ravan," her younger sister asked eventually while Haven only gave the slightest notion of listening, "do what you set out to? Haven?"

"Yeah, actually, we did. Everything."

"And...you're going to tell Locke about all of it, right?"

"Yeah, sure."

"All of it?"

And Haven sat up then, at first reaching to remove her glasses, but then catching herself before just crossly questioning, "What are you getting at, Marin?"

But she was far too bashful to admit her knowledge in the matter and only blushed before saying, "I just… I like Locke and I don't want him to get upset with you or for you guys to fight or-"

"Locke and I will always fight." Sitting back again, she sounded unconcerned as she said, "But we'll always make up. He's kind of in love with me, if you didn't notice."

"And you love him too, right? And wouldn't do anything that might ruin that or hurt him or-"

"Are you okay, Marin? Or- Oh, I get it." Haven sneered some before saying, "You got stuck here, seeing how in love Kai is and shit. Between that and seeing how awesome my relationship is-"

"I really don't-"

"-you're just a little jealous, huh?" Haven snickered. "Or feel like you're missing out?"

"N-No, it's not-"

"Don't worry. You're not." Haven reached up to toy with her necklace before insisting, "Being in love sucks. I mean, it's the best thing in the world and Locke means everything to me, but just consider yourself lucky, huh? I know I make this relationship thing seem super easy and rewarding, but it's a lot of work."

Deflating some, Marin only said, "As long as you got everything you wanted-"

"I did." Reaching over, she tossed an arm around her sister, who froze up at this, but Haven only grinned as she shut her eyes once more. "I really did."