#under the cut is just me cutting onions ( vaguely talking ab the dream i just didnt wanna clog dashes)

[vanityloves]

It won’t let me reply to the post so I’m sending it as an ask (you don’t have to respond if you’re uncomfortable, don’t worry!) but you’re not ugly or annoying at all. You’re an absolute joy to be around and I’m so grateful to have met you; meeting you and Dorian was without a doubt one of the highlights of my 2020. You’re literally one of the most interesting and smartest people I know? And you’re so stunning as well — I love your hair! All in all, you’re amazing, and I know it’s easy to forget that, and to fall into that ever growing pit of self-hate, but know that you’re appreciated and loved. And you deserve so much appreciation and adoration, especially from your own self.

thank you sm omg ;; sorry if that stuff came off extremely needy i try to avoid it bc i know it can be kind of a downer or distasteful to run across in the middle /gen plus i know i talk a lot n it rarely makes sense or sounds dumb so im legitimately worried ppl think im irritating bc of it ^^;

but anyways! the same goes for you? i feel extremly fortune to have met you (and so many others) in the shitstorm that 2020 was! despite how terrible the outside world was i loved interacting w/ you and im extremely grateful for the server! hopefully it doesnt sound odd or like...rude? but im extremely proud of you bc youve been through so much crap and you somehow conquered all of it? like fuck yeah #GIRLBOSS #BOSSBABE /s

AHJSU SMART IS A FIRST BUT THANK YOU! and agshdh thank you i grew it myself 🤭🥴/sss

but thank you sm this is really sweet n you didnt have to ;; i rly appreciate it though 😭💖

dream talk so know

or some reason the dream felt extremely real bc i was harsh and abrasive which is how i feel i come across irl - like i said things i wouldve said if i didnt hold myself back. i started a fight w/ someone bc i was defending a family member, and it was one of those "come and hit me first" things but funny enough, i was going someplace and got into an elevator w/ 2 girls that i feel like i vaguely know/recognized but uh, idk they pointed out some features that not even conscious me was worried ab and they were p nasty w/ it and i already adrenaline in my veins so i snapped back just as harshly. i got up on someone's face and it was a true girl fight which is funny in hindsight. i think someone pulled me by my hair out of the elevator and i just let them but i didnt talk/yell after the initial comment bc irl, i rarely add fuel ti the fire i jist get straight too it so i straight up started stomping on them after i grabbed them jsjdj a decent time to remind myself that i truly do need to maintain my anger bc i dont know my actual strength and i can potentially hurt someone.

it was odd since i felt like i was put on trial after but i dont remember what was actually said, despite knowing the feeling i was being accused and fuckin flamed like lmao get his ass.

lol no more milkshakes b4 bed /s plus i fell asleep at like. 4pm so im not sleeping anymore tonight which is fine by me ♡ /srs

[burtatethebees]

January4, 2020

Happy New Year!

I spent news years with my sister in her trailer in the woods with her friends from Conserve, Ian, Cecelia, Eli, and Chris. Ian is really funny and kinda hot. In my Smart Brain, I know that this is the typical period in a friendship with a guy where I’m infatuated with them, but my Stupid Brain says he would hold me very good. 

We went into downtown Athens on the first day of three. We played Ultimate frisbee in a historic field at UGA. I ran a lot, which was a really bad idea cause I’m really fragile. I was sore in my hip for the rest of the night and my while legs for the rest of the weeks. Ian and Eli took their shirts off to play, who knows why truely, but it was a little hot. Eli is kinda Thicc and not my type, but Ian is My Type. He’s my heightish, a little bit taller, so like 5′ 7-8″. He’s got abs and is just all around Lean and Strong. His veins on his arms are really nice. I don’t know why that's hot to so many girls, but I’m not complaining about it. 

Yeah but later that night we left the field and walked around downtown. We were gonna get Ian to pretend to be a psychic and get some money, but Jay shoved the sign in a little garden for us to get later and we never went back. We went into a cool boutique/junk store. I was browsing and Jay almost left me there, like if I hadn’t heard her say to the clerk that it was good to see them again I wouldn’t have noticed they left the building. We went to Waffle House, but I couldn't finish my food so I gave it to Ian. The lady working there was sassy. We met up with Shazam, as mom calls him, after Waffle house. We walked around some more and then Jay asked Shazam if he was parked at a meter or free parking, so we had to go check. The whole group kinda separated on accident. Ian and Chris ran off to slide down some rails. Eli and I went off to go with them, and Jay, Cecelia, and Shazam went to go find his truck. Ian and Chris saw that Jay was leaving and decided to run away after the rest of the group. Eli and I chased after them but we lost them cause they probably pulled some spiderman move and were jumping across rooftops or something. So Eli and I got lost. We went back to the Waffle house cause that's kinda the direction they were going to get to Shazam’s truck. 

We went back to the field after we moved Shazam’s truck to free parking. We played some more frisbee. Jay ran into Ian trying to catch the frisbee and got a bloody nose. She couldn’t drive so when we left Chris drove the minivan back home. Eli and Ian were gonna come with us, but they decided to walk home, like weirdos. It took them like an hour and a half. Chris accidentally drove the whole four miles with the parking brake on, totally fucking up the brake in the process. At one point he asked “why is the brake light on?” but my brain didn't process what that meant and so I didn't say anything. He doesn’t use the parking brake on his car so he didn’t know what it meant. 

When we got home, we went into the camper and Jay gave Shazam his Christmas present. He got a Llama Popper which shot foam ball out of a llama mouth. We killed time until Eli and Ian got back.

We hung out around the fire that Jay built. I sat on a wool blanket next to Ian. I wish that I knew them better so I could have sat closer and perhaps, maybe, cuddled a little. He did with Chris and Eli. We went into the camper after a little bit to watch movies. We watched Shameless, which I was really not into. We lied on the floor on the camper, I WAS between Cecelia and Ian but Jay cut in and told Ian to move over. Lame ass, cockblock lol. I left after a little bit and sat in my tent for a bit. I came back and just kinda chilled on my phone until the countdown for New Years. We went outside for the countdown. We were all huddled cause it was Very cold. I stood next to Ian. My Stupid Brain wanted to kiss him. 

We went back inside and watched Love, Death, and Robots. I watched it all but I’m not into it. It was really gory and there was a lot of animated dicks. Ian likes the show. When it was 2 am I went back out to my tent to go to sleep. I had to spend like five minutes combing my hair because it got so tangled from the hat I was wearing that day. I went to sleep and had a dream vaguely about love.

The next morning I woke up at 8. I was the only one up in the main area. Shazam was up and came done a little after I woke up. I helped him build a fire. When the rest woke up we fucked around killing time for a few hours. Ian made tea in a wine bottle on the open fire. Ian, Chris, Eli, and Shazam had a wood-splitting contest. Ian kept putting random shit in the fire. Cecelia and I hung out in Chris’ hammock. We eventually went back into town and got nachos. This was the beginning of a shitshow. I put in 5$ for the nachos since Jay got one with chicken and no pepper or onions for me. I went to the bathroom cause there aren't any real ones at her camper. When I got back nearly all the nachos were gone. The boys had vacuumed them up in like 5 minutes. I was hungry but too much of a pussy to get up and order my own taco. Now, in retrospect, I have NO IDEA why I didn’t. So I condemned myself to be hungry for like five hours. We left the taco stand and wandered around Athens for a while. We went to a construction site. We lost Cecelia and none of the others seemed to be worried about her. They finally realized what could have happened to her like half an hour later so we went to go find her. We found her at a Subway. 

Ian needed a suitcase so we went to a thrift store. I finally got some flannels, but I was still pissed so I didn’t really talk to the rest of the group for a while. I told Jay how I felt and she told me “too bad”. So that sucked. I bought my flannels and we left. We went to a Graveyard and I stormed off but decided I didn’t want to get lost so I went back. We used Ian’s spirit box to talk to some ghosts. We tried in two different locations. They were really active in the second place. I don't know who we were talking to, but I was nice cause I got to sit really close to Ian so I could hear the box. After we were done, we lied down in the leaves by the grave we were sitting next to. The group, excluding me, all pile on each other, but I felt like I didn’t know them well enough to do that. I lied perpendicular to Ian with my head on his chest/arm, which was Very Nice. We listen to a true-crime podcast, but we had to stop cause there were footsteps and Cecelia and I got spooked. It turned out to be a deer, but we left soon after. 

We went dumpster-diving. We drove around a plaza cause Jay wanted to find Michael’s. They stopped at the Starbuck and got bounced to go get me some food finally. I got Willy’s. I shouldn’t have gotten the adobe chicken, I normally do, but this location was much spicier. While I was eating Ian pulled up and adventure AI. Eli chose the options and Ian read them. He was a mental patient and summoned some demons, burned to death, met god, and woke up. He ate the toes of some lady and then ate her whole body. Then the story ended. 

We went back home. We sat around the fire at the Kitchen Pavilion and listened to Podcasts. We listened to something Eli had about getting kidnapped into a meat factory, it was really funny, and Welcome To Nightvale. Then we all kinda drifted off back to camp and fell asleep.

I woke up early again the next day. The ground was wet so I didn’t want to sit down, so I just stood and zoned out stared at the trees. I went back to my tent cause I was kinda cold, but Ian and Cecelia woke up right after so I came back out. Ian told me he saw me kinda just staring at the trees, which means he was watching me at least a little from the camper. They sat in Chris’ hammock under the rainfly. It looked like and leaf. Ian told me to tell him a deep, dark secret like it was a confessional. I instantly went to “I think you’re hot as hell.” but I didn’t say that, obviously. So I told them that I think Angie is gonna drop me in the new year. I complained about the color guard at school and told them how the Horticulture club is gonna try to take over another club. I had a lot of fun talking to them, but then Jay woke up. We fucked around for a while and then got stuff together to leave. We packed into the car and left. At this point, it was just me, Jay, Chris, Ian, and Cecelia. We went to Brent’s house. On the way there they talked about stuff they did at conserve. They took the BDSM test I guess, so Ian asked Jay What she got. Chris was top 2, dom and sadist, which he doesn't look like at all, but it’s always the ones you don’t suspect. Ian didn’t say, I wish he had. I took it in the car while they were talking. I got Brat and primal (prey) as my top two. I REALLY wish Ian had said what he got. 

 I am not a big fan of being at Brent’s place since it was my Grandpa’s house. Brent is changing everything and he got two roommates. The whole house smells like cigs. The art is different. So I started tearing up almost as soon as we got there. It was the first time I had been back there since we came to get furniture, and only the 2nd time I had been there after Grandpa died. I started texting my mom about how I was sad. She called me and I went outside and cried to her. I hung up and composed myself enough to come back inside. Mom called Jay and told her how I felt. I was gonna try to catch Jay before she came back inside so I could talk to her. I cried again outside on her shoulder. She told me we would go home soon. She called me her baby sister in front of her friends again, which I don’t like. We sat in a circle and chatted, I forget about what. I felt better while I was distracted. Brent woke up eventually. We played a lot of foosball. 

We went home eventually to my house. We sat in the basement and watched some sexy anime, then murder stories. We moved on to conspiracy theories. Ian suggested a show called Undone. I liked it but we stopped watching after two episodes cause they kept talking over it. They started talking about shit I didn’t understand so I went upstairs and cried cause I felt left out. My mom let me cry to her for like 20 minutes, then I ate some soup and felt better. I didn’t want to go back down cause they were talking about shared-stores and I wouldn’t have been included. I texted Jay about how I felt and she apologized. I went to sleep and missed them all leaving in the morning by like 20 minutes. I was sad about that but I followed Ian on Insta, so we’re good. He followed me back and I sent him some memes. He liked them :). 

Yesterday I played a lot of video games to recover from camping. I read some good ass fanfic too. There was one with Levi from Attack on Titan, which I’ve recently gotten into. After my grandpa died I came home and devoured a lot of shows from my queue in Funimation, then I started reading it in the school library. So anyway, the fic was about Levi and his cadet girlfriend. The Reader accidentally gets a shot of essentially a pregnancy imitating drug. So she and Levi can't fuck because she’s super fertile. She starts lactating because of the drug and so she needs Levi to drink the milk from her to stop it from hurting. Hot as fuck, hell yeah. 

Weird to go from Epic SMut to Family Time but in the afternoon, we went to have lunch with Shauna and Tala. Tala’s 5th birthday was on the 29th and we hadn’t seen her. We got her some belated Christmas/Birthday presents. She thought the Creatures of Star Wars book was for her little brother, Eliot (9 months). I built her Frozen lego set for her and we played Elsa and Ana. We went upstairs to her room to play Calico Critters. That didn't last long, oh the attention span of a five-year-old. We played animal battle, which was just us throwing stuffed animals at each other. Justin came up to say hey and totally annihilated me and Tala with stuffed cat toys. We left after that.

 I wish I could see Eliot and Tala more often. When Tala was a baby we were with her constantly. We babysat her like three times a week. She loves me so much. She’s the sweetest little girl. Eliot is really clingy right now. He doesn’t let anyone but Shauna hold him and he hates to be out of eyeshot of her. I want to hold him. 

We went to see Cats that afternoon. It was ok. Not as bad as people have been saying, but it wasn't Good. It kinda just exists. I am ashamed to say it but I kinda thought that Mr. Mistoffelees was kinda hot. Just the way he acted. I like guys who are kinda sad and lonely. I guess I’m a furry. Shit happens.

Today I woke up and read a fic about Kylo Ren (RIP) totally destroying his assistant and breaking up her engagement just he wants to smash. Hot. 

I went to my Grandma’s with my dad. I drove there. That was the longest I’ve ever driven and also the biggest road I’ve driven on. We took down her Christmas Deco and looked through a lot of old cookbooks and recipes from the 70′s. She gave me some and Dad wants to put together a cookbook with O’Neil recipes. I think that’s cool. I got some recipe cards for Christmas from Dad, so I’m gonna start my own recipe box. 

Our dryer caught on fire this evening. That was fun. We’re having some money issues, so I don’t know how we’re gonna replace it. I’m just glad I did all my laundry this morning. 

[allbeendonebefore]

What are your headcanons for British Columbia?

ok so disclaimer here is that i’m a fake british columbian even though i kind of sort of live there, i live on the island and the majority of my bc friends are from the coast and not the interior so most of what i can say about the interior is ‘i have driven through it a lot’ but i’ll do my best.

- on that subject bc is like… layers of depth that most people don’t see. lots of people just brush her off as a flaky ditz who is never paying attention to the rest of the country but i seriously feel she’s got a lot of Depth and a lot of spiky barbed inner monologues. She’s really geographically and emotionally impenetrable and doesn’t really let you in on what she is thinking or will do something unpredictable.

- like i don’t think people really get how contradictory bc is? its a climate of extremes that has a reputation for being mellow, its a place that is “liberal” where the Liberals are in reality worse than the alberta pcs (LOL WHAT AN ELECTION I TELL YOU), it’s a place that’s one of the resource-richest provinces in the country that makes it impossible for its own citizens to afford… etc. I think a lot about things like this when I think about how her personality works- she’s not necessarily finicky, she’s layered.

- bc has a reputation for being different than the rest of canada and its absolutely true. like as the second most western province we still tend to think of ab/sk and maybe mb depending on our mood as ‘western canada’ and bc as ‘and bc’. She’s the sort of person who Always goes her own way and makes her decisions on her own, she’s more outward looking than the others for sure.

- worst driver. Hands down. Terrible. everyone blames AB for it but it’s her, the only thing ralphie is worse at is parking. 

- if she can’t see the mountains she feels naked and exposed and can’t stay too far out of sight of the mountains or she goes Nuts

- she probably lives in a relatively modern and expensive house- everything is immaculate, she has a lot of interesting artefacts and souvenirs around her house, her garden is manicured and perfect and everything smells like cedar but it also gives you the distinct impression that no one actually lives there. Looks more like a gallery because she’s trying to support local (esp indigenous) artists. no basement. cute car port and shed rather than a garage.

- she finds emotional attachments really Difficult. like it’s just genuinely hard to tell whether she likes you or not because she can be kind of backhanded or condescending even when she’s expressing genuine fondness. She makes a huge deal about being a romantic place but doesn’t really fall for anyone easily, either she gets bored or she doesn’t want to lose a friendship or w/e

- like for someone who makes a big deal about being compassionate for animals and nature she really doesn’t feel that much compassion for people- or rather, when she does it’s not easy for her to express to them

- There’s an ongoing joke that BC stands for “Bring Cash” and its absolutely true. If you want a chance with her/to impress her you have to spend like you mean it. Its not that she’s high mainten- yes she is definitely high maintenance

- Makes a big deal out of being interesting and fun but when she’s at home alone she just sits around in her underwear under a huge pile of blankets/a snuggie and watches the Beachcombers. possibly while high.

- ‘is this matcha’ ‘does it have matcha in it’ [pouring sugar in her tea] ‘matcha is like… sooo good for you… i don’t even [pouring milk and honey in her tea] like this is just so refreshing you know [more sugar]

- you know that scene in scott pilgrim where ramona reads out her entire tea cupboard to him and some of them sound made up, that’s bc. come to think of it she really is a manic pixie dream girl but one who is merciless and apathetic and could probably easily wreck you

- tea snob, the sort of person who is like ‘coffee is like so bad for you it stresses you out man’ but also a coffee snob who can’t wake up in the morning without it so its a lose-lose situation for you

- definitely volunteered with greenpeace in the 70s lol

- ‘ya i live in vancouver’ - actually lives in like PoCoMo or whatever

- once called the spoiled child of confederation and she hasn’t let that go, she probably has it embossed on a trophy somewhere in her giant collection of trophies that she has on display in the fame gua of her perfect feng shui living room

- she only makes a big deal out of ‘canadian’ things when it makes her money, she actually feels very cut off from the rest of the country but will Always appear immediately when there is a competition of any kind because she’s The Best.

- grew up extremely fast. in my mind she represents ‘ (lower) mainland bc’ while the island i represent with victoria as shorthand- they had to move in together to save money and both of them really dragged their feet about it. She’s still kind of wary about the island ditching for independence again but doesn’t REALLY take it seriously. Is the youngest of the provinces but does her best not to act like it.

- actually super confrontational like she will be doing yoga on a rock as the tide is coming in and be One With The Universe and you could be walking past her and say ‘actually vancouver’s kind of overrated’ and she will dive in the ocean and rise out of the water covered in sea onions and seaweed and barnacles like a horror movie and be like “wHaT dId YoU SaY AbOuT mE!”

- exactly the sort of person to get a tattoo in another language that vaguely is correct but actually grammatically Off like… you grow up with people like Amor de Cosmos and this is what you get

- not actually gluten or lactose intolerant, just likes being morally superior (’and like… almond milk just tastes better yknow more wholesome’)

- that person who always ends up with people mooching off her or crashing at her place- she doesn’t actually mind too much, she’s just frustrated that people only seem to come bother her when it’s convenient for them. But she doesn’t like to admit when she’s feeling lonely so i mean… xD

- also really into ghosts and spooky things. she goes along with bert/yk to hunt sasquatsch and externally rolls her eyes the whole time but tbh she has honestly seen sasquatsch like 10 times and has all the blurry photos to prove it. Same with ogopogo. 

- goes into woowoo new age stores and spends hours looking at tarot decks and crystals and incense. judges you based on your astrological signs.

- has proposed moving in with kate like 3 times but gets rejected every time lmao

- firm believer that tea solves everything. emotionally compromised? hot leaf juice. emotionally compromised during summer? cold leaf juice. eat an entire fruit. eat ten fruits. decorate with kale. eat the decorative kale. got herbs? make rosemary tea. stain all your dishes yellow and make turmeric tea. literally down an entire jar of capers, idgaf. 

- she likes to make her backpack as heavy as she can, blast her own music so everyone can hear it, then schlep it all up a mountain. set everything down and turn it off, sit high up and alone with her little hibachi grill and eat salmon, watch the ravens. paint something on a giant leaf. smoke a joint. look at the ocean. whatever. 

- i think exercise is her replacement for emotionally connecting with people. she rides her bike white knuckled through the rain up a hill and loses feeling in her fingers and zooms back down. Pushes herself to adrenaline rush, always trying to get better, better. 

- i say a lot about her not really connecting with people but at the same time shes the sort of person that… when you’re in crisis mode and you’re under a literal or a figurative avalanche, she will spot you, grab you and pull you straight up out of it with one arm by the scruff of your neck. She’s actually really generous at heart but has just become kind of closed off after being taken advantage of too many times. Will take you home and dry you off and make a big meal for you and wait for you to tell her what’s wrong.

- I don’t know if she actually owns a boat-boat, but definitely kayaks a lot. long boards. surfs.  

- hates BC ferries with an unholy passion, like… that’s a way to trigger a rant right there

- slaps I

- her low tolerance for cold is exaggerated. her high tolerance for cold + wet should be Feared. 

- has her hidden rednecky side. makes a big deal out of being vegan and w/e but does go hunting and dirt biking once in a while, knows her way around a stick shift etc. Dunno if she really drives that much - probably has invested in electric cars before but kind of dissatisfied with how much she can actually do with them re: steep hills, roadtrips, etc. 

- has had to deal with a lot of paranoia, racism, etc in the past that she struggles to reconcile. really learning to take pride in herself again, i think she’s chinese/british, yeah but there’s also some first nations heritage too that factors into her mixed identity. 

- in official positions she might skip french and go straight to mandarin/canto if the job is bilingual, not that she doesnt like french she just Forgets xD. 

i feel like i’ve been talking all day so i’ll stop there but feel free to ask for elaboration or something i guess