#unde i ea

[nomaishuttle]

another successful therapy

[emilieautumnarchives]

Orkus International (Nov/Dec/Jan 2007/2008)

This English edition of Orkus featured EA's "Mad Tea Party." It was printed in black and white, but colored versions have been floating around for a while. The magazine also included a Laced/Unlaced Poster.

Speculation: Because the scans I have are in German, I assume this also appeared in the December 2007 issue of Orkus Magazine.

Note: I typed out the German myself. Excuse any misspellings or weirdness; I don't speak German.

EMILIE AUTUMN: MAD TEA PARTY Taking time out from the madness to enjoy teatime doesn't mean you have to be sane...

Treue Fans wissen, dass Emilie Autumns Welt nicht hinter ihrer wegwelsenden Musik aufort. Mit ihrem Asylum hat sich die bildhubsche, arbeitssuchtige Victoriandustrial-Prinzessin einen ureigenen, geheimnisvollen und faszinierenden Kosmos kreiert, and dem man bisher nur auf ihren Live-Shows oder in den fabelhaften Booklets ihrer CDs teilhaben konnte. Nun jedoch offnet Emilie die Tore in ihre Welt und bittet die Orkus-Leser zu einer unvergesslichen Teestunde im einzigartigen Emilie Autumn-Stil. Kostliche Kuchen, unerwartete Dinge aus Marzipan, gar rosige Bonbonbs, Schoko-Schlemmereien... wenn Miss Autumn schon ze einer Teestunde ladt, dann aber bitte mit sehr viel Stil und Genuss. Und damit diese Teestunde im viktorianischen Asylum-Stil kein Einzelfall bleiben muss, hat Emilie gleich ihre Lieblingsrezepte mitgebracht, die wir fur Euch aufrgrund ihrer unvergleichbaren Sprache in unveranderter, englischer Form gesammelt haben.

Highly Doubtful Teacake with Very Suspicious Crème

What makes this teacake so very “doubtful” is the addition of fresh lavender, the historical meaning for which is “distrustful”. So be careful whom you share it with…

Teacake Ingredients:

1 cup milk

3 Tbsp. fresh chopped lavender flowers

2 cups all-purpose flour

1½ tsp. baking powder

¼ tsp. salt

6 Tbsp. butter, softened

1 cup sugar

2 large eggs

Instructions:

Grease and flour a loaf pan, and no, I won’t tell you what size because it won’t matter anyway. You’re going to use whatever pan you have, and I’m not holding that against you, I do the same. Half of my recipes were created entirely out of being on the road touring, and really needing to make tarts, but having not the proper equipment. Baking is an adventure, so do treat it as such.

In any case! After greasing and flouring, kindly preheat your oven to 325°F. In a small saucepan, heat the milk, adding the chopped lavender and bring almost to a boil, then remove from heat and let steep until cool.

Sift flour, baking powder and salt together in a bowl. In another bowl, thrash the butter about until it’s light and creamy and gradually add sugar, then eggs, one at a time, thrashing even more until the whole mess is light and fluffy and much prettier than you ever imagined raw eggs ought to be. Add flour mixture and lavender milk alternating between each addition, and mix until batter is just blended, no longer.

Spoon the flowery goodness into your mystery loaf pan and bake for 50 minutes, or until a wooden skewer inserted in center comes out clean. Leave your cake to cool in the pan 5 minutes, then remove to a wire rack to cool. When completely cooled, dust with confectioners’ sugar and garnish with sprigs of fresh or candied lavender. If you don’t know how to candy lavender, then read ahead on the section on candying rose petals and you’ll get the idea. Serve with a dollop of Very Suspicious Crème.

Crème Ingredients:

8 oz. cream cheese

1 Tbsp. heavy cream

½ tsp. fresh chopped lavender flowers

3 Tbsp. confectioners’ sugar

1 tsp. pure vanilla extract

Blend the cream cheese with the heavy cream until smooth and fluffy. Add in the lavender, confectioners’ sugar, and vanilla, beating until silky and very suspicious looking. Serve with Teacakes of all sort, but especially highly doubtful ones.

TEA TIPS: When serving tea to your guests, be sure to present a variety of sugars. Piping tiny frosting flowers onto heart-shaped sugar lumps and displaying rock candy sugar in various colours will set your table sparkling! Save some for the rats…

Cyanide Tea Scones with Clotted Cream

Ah, sweet cyanide…what can we say about cyanide? You surely know it’s historical impact as a popular ingredient of both murder and suicide. But did you know that cyanide is derived from almonds? Being my personal flavour, you’ll see a somewhat excessive if not altogether inappropriate use of it in the following recipes. And as for the clotted cream, well, that sounds bad enough. Doesn’t it?

Scone Ingredients:

4 cups all-purpose flour

4 tsp. baking powder

½ cup sugar

1 tsp. salt

8 Tbsp. very cold, unsalted butter, cut into ¼ inch cubes

1 cup milk

6 black teabags of the best quality you can find, I prefer Twinings

2 eggs, beaten

½ tsp. pure almond extract

½ cup sliced almonds

1 Tbsp. cream

¼ cup sugar

¼ cup finely chopped almonds

Instructions:

Preheat oven to 400°F. In a chilled glass bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Using your fingers if you know what you’re doing or a pastry blender if you don’t, cut in the bits of butter until the crumbly mess is the size of smallish bees. Set the bowl into you refrigerator or out in the snow while you carry on. In a small saucepan, bring milk almost to a boil. Add tea bags, cover, and brew 5 minutes. Remove tea bags and cool. Beat in the eggs, almond extract, and sliced almonds. Gradually add tea mixture to flour mixture, stirring until just combined, no more.

Turn dough out onto a floured baking sheet and pat into a circle. Slice the dough into 16 triangular wedges. Alternately you can use heart shaped baking pans like the one I used here. Either way, brush dough with cream and sprinkle generously with sugar and chopped almonds. Bake 20 minutes or until golden, always best to sit right by the oven the first few times you try out a new recipe just to verify that everything’s going along as it should. Your oven is a unique creature you really should get to know, because no two are alike. Once done, cool scones on a wire rack. Serve with The Asylum’s Own Clotted Cream. Makes 16 scones.

Clotted Cream Ingredients:

½ cup cold heavy cream

3 Tbsp. confectioner’s sugar

½ cup sour cream

¼ tsp. almond extract

In a chilled bowl, beat cream until stiff peaks form, and don’t think you can’t do this by hand, because you can. As the cream begins to stiffen up, sift in the confectioner’s sugar. Gently fold in the sour cream, and almond extract, and voila! Clots galore! Chill until use. This fluffy topping for scones and crumpets is also called “Devonshire Cream,“ but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it…clots clots clots clotty clots…

Marzipan Leeches & Plague Rats

Yes, more almonds…but that is hardly important when it is merely a delicious modeling tool for some truly gourmet bonbons. Marzipan rats will charm your guests, marzipan leeches will horrify them. Just let them wait until you’ve given them all names…

Ingredients:

1 package (8 oz.) Marzipan (baker’s almond paste, available everywhere)

¼ cup confectioner’s sugar

2 Tbsp. Amaretto liquer

1 tsp. unsweetened cocoa powder

1 thin-tipped paintbrush

To begin with, open your Marzipan and cover it with a damp cloth as it likes to dry out and then what have you got? Next, add a bit of the cocoa powder to a few drops of the liquer and mix it with the paintbrush, experimenting with ratios to achieve a palette of lovely browns that you can use to accent your rats and leeches. Sprinkle some sugar onto your hands and work surface and you’re ready to begin a life-changing adventure! 

Leeches:

Leeches can be sculptured in myriad ways, but I will explain my method as a mere example.

Roll a small ball of dough until it becomes a rope, then roll the rope between your hands until it is thinner at one end.

Curl the rope to make your leech, posing him in whatever manner you find suitable, keeping in mind his station and lineage.

Roll two tiny balls of dough for the eyes, and attach them to the top of your leech’s head, then make an indentation within each eye with a very small object.

After waiting at least 30 minutes to let the leeches dry, use your cocoa-liquer mixture to paint stripes and details onto your leech, and place him in a bonbon paper to be displayed proudly in your best leech jar.

Plague Rats:

Roll the rat’s body from a small ball of dough into an oval with one end pointed for the nose.

Roll two little dough bits into ear shapes and press them into the sides of your rat’s head in an appropriate spot.

Roll a thin snake of dough and attach to the rat’s body, curling it over his back for the tail.

Using the wooden end of your paintbrush, make the indentations for the eyes.

After waiting at least 30 minutes to let the rat dry, use your cocoa-liquer mixture to paint shadows and details onto your rat, and place him in a bonbon paper to be displayed proudly on your tea table.

Cucumber Hatred Tea Sandwiches

If revenge is a dish best served cold, then this is the dish they were talking about. The Historical meaning of basil is ‘Hatred’ and these delicate finger sandwiches are loaded with it…who’s cool as a cucumber now?

Ingredients:

8 oz. cream cheese, softened

3 Tbsp. cream

½ tsp. salt

¼ tsp. black pepper

3 Tbsp. fresh chives, chopped

6 slices wheat bread 

6 slices white bread

1 English (seedless) cucumber 

1 Bushel of fresh basil leaves (approx. 24)

Beat together the cream cheese and cream until smooth. Add salt, pepper and chives, blending well. Spread 1 slice of wheat bread and one slice of white bread with cream cheese mixture. Arrange a layer of cucumber slices on the wheat bread and top with basil leaves. Place white bread slice on top and smash sandwich down ever so gently with a rolling pin. Trim crusts, and cut into triangles. Repeat with remaining bread to make 24 hate-filled sandwiches.

Rose Petal Poison Sandwiches

Poison? Well, not if you go into your garden and pick yourself some fresh, chemical free petals. Otherwise, you’ll get sick and the sarcasm will be lost…

Ingredients:

6 oz. sweet butter packed in fresh rose petals1 overnight, softened 

¼ cup confectioners’ sugar 

1 cup fresh, clean rose petals (from your garden, pesticide-free) 

½ sliced almonds

12 slices white bread

To assemble one sandwich, spread two slices of bread with rose scented butter. Sift sugar over buttered sides of bread. Arrange a layer of rose petals, followed by a layer of almonds. Top with the other slice of sugared, buttered bread, and press down with rolling pin. Trim crusts and cut into triangles, hearts, rounds to suit your fancy. Sift sugar over sandwiches and top each with a candied rose petal (petals dipped in beaten egg white and rolled in granulated sugar, then dried until crisp). Repeat with remaining ingredients to equal 24 sandwiches.

Royally Mad Tea

A standard British Royal Tea is served with a glass of champagne and one o’ sherry. Call me crazy, but for my Royally Mad Tea, I prefer champagne and absinthe.

[lumenniveus]

Hallo!

Today I bring another small text override that replaces the GERMAN text string [Säugling] with [Baby] because nobody would ever speak like this in my language, and to be frank, the clinical tone makes me uncomfortable. Quite a lot of the newer packs read very robotic... almost as if EA gutted their localization team and just ran everything through a machine. Hm.

Anyway, Der Mod ersetzt nur den deutschen Text und hat keinen Einfluss auf andere Versionen/Sprachen!

[Download here 🔗]

Shouldn't conflict with anything else unless you run another mod that messes with the same text.

[imtryingbuck]

Remembering

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader

Summary: The team lose their friend (I’m bad at summaries sorry)

Word count: 2,821

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of children dying. Our poor reader gets attacked. Small mentions of suicide, being spat on

Translation: unde este femeia?-where is the woman?/oms-who/da, ea este prietena noastră- yes, she is our friend/ea este cu noi, acum ești în siguranță-she is with us, you’re now safe. If any of the translations are wrong please let me know

Masterlist   Series Masterlist

It has been two weeks since the attack on the Capital. Two weeks since the Avengers got their friend back.

Y/n was taken straight to the Raft, for her own protection incase Hydra came for her. None of the team was happy about it especially Bucky who fought against the medical staff, trying to stop the SHIELD agents from taking her.

“It’s for her own safety” Fury explained, he still couldn’t believe she was alive, he didn’t believe the agent who had informed him that she was was on the street and was now working for Hydra.

“Okay well why all the guns being pointed at her?” Tony said with his arms crossed.

“For everyone’s safety”

“You’ve got a collar around her neck, two handcuffs on her wrist and cuffs on her ankles. I don’t think she’s going to get very far, do you?”

“It’s okay Tony-it’s fine I promise” Y/n spoke, Fury had to admit he hated doing this to her but he had no other option.

In them two weeks, they fought tirelessly to get her back to the tower, fought to get her pardoned - it should of been easy as they couldn’t connect her to any crimes committed by Hydra, but the government wanted her locked up as a traitor.

Ross allowed the team including Fury to go and question her at the Raft, on one condition - there be armed guards in the room.

They were led into a huge room with tiny windows, a small table and three chairs. There was armed guards lining against the wall. They had been there for 10 minutes before three locks sounded from the metal door, just as the door came open the guards stance changed, ready to shoot kind of stance.

They saw the man in charge walking in front of someone who they assumed was Y/n, who was then being flanked by three guards on either side. When they got closer the man moved aside, they all sucked in a breath at the sight of their friend handcuffed, a collar around her neck, but the worst part was the bruises littering her face and a busted lip that they could tell were fresh.

Fury reached out to her before a voice stopped him “No touching the traitor”

“She’s not a traitor” Fury snapped back.

“That’s not what her file says” Turning his head to Y/n “Sit and don’t move”

“Don’t talk to her like that” Bucky’s anger started to get the better of him.

“Oh I’m sorry, do you want to have this visit or not?”

“It’s fine. You can leave now” Fury replied.

“Remember no touching her and don’t try and pass her anything or she’ll be shot, enjoy” the man walked off chuckling to himself.

“Are you alright?” Questioned Bucky.

“I’m so sorry for what I did to yo-“

“Hey it’s fine, I’m okay, look. Now answer my question”

“I’m fine”

“What happened? Because they’re fresh bruises Birdie”

“It’s nothing”

“It’s not nothing Y/n! Who did it?” Tony says from next to Steve.

“Nothing I don’t deserve” Shifting more comfortably she sighs “Ask the questions you want to ask and you can leave”.

“You don’t deserve this Y/n!”

“Ask or I’ll get them to take me back”

Fury finally speaks after a few minutes of silence. “Okay, do you remember what happened the day we lost you?”

“I remember we was on a mission in Russia and I remember being shot and then falling and hearing voices, thinking it was you lot I-I saw faces and felt something pinching me and then waking up at Hydra’s base.”

“T-that can’t happen, Y/n we found your body and you was dead. We took you back home…”

“It wasn’t me. Hydra used a woman who could shape shift, they showed me”

“What else do you remember?” Tony asks.

“They tortured me, questioned me about my genes, t-they showed me my funeral. Then they gave me the serum and after a few months they started training me”

“Do-do you remember any missions you went on?”

“No. They always wiped my memory after I came back”

“Has any memories come back?”

“Yes”. Her head bowed and her eyes closed “I was the one that killed all those SHIELD agents”

All of them sighed in defeat. At her confession, she could be tried as a traitor, it didn’t matter if she was brainwashed or not. She had just admitted that she killed over 60 agents.

“I don’t remember any other missions. I’m sorry. I hear that you’re trying to get me freed, don’t. I belong in here”

“No you don’t! None of this is your fault!” Bucky’s voice broke.

Not listening to him, she looked directly at Fury “Lloyd was a member of Hydra, there’s many agents at the FBI that work for them and The Reapers didn’t exist because it was Hydra - the whole thing was a set up to get me. Rumlow told me that there was a deal in place between Hydra and The Facility, but when Logan got me out it pissed them off because they didn’t have me and the deal was off” Sighing, she moves the handcuffs to more of a comfortable position.

“Theres something else you need to know, the base they kept me at is in Romania. There’s children there, they’ve been injecting them with my blood. Innocent children are being killed because of me. I’m so sorry.” Looking at the guards “I’m ready to go now”.

“No no Y/n we’re not done yet” Fury stands and tries to stop her from standing.

“I’m done. Take me back”

“She’s not safe in there Fury!” Tony exclaimed as he paced back and forth in the briefing room.

“We don’t know who did it yet” Fury replied.

“Well it’s obviously the guards, we need to get her out of there” Tony’s voice rose with each word.

Shaking his head at the billionaire, “It’s safer for her in there Tony”

“No it isn’t and you know it!”

“We need to find this base and see if there are any children like Y/n said, couldn’t that help with getting her out?” Wanda ever the voice of reason.

“About that, the main reason I came here is because there is a base in Romania just like she said, you guys need to go there and check it out, I’ve already sent the coordinates to the pilot”

“When?” Steve asks.

“Pilots are ready whenever you are”.

Five hours later they were inside the base, the whole building had paperwork littering the floors, blood smeared on the walls, the horrible stench of death lingered in the air.

They searched the whole building from top to bottom for any signs of life, coming up empty until Bucky and Sam opened a door on the far end of the corridor, inside the darken room they saw seven small children huddled together in the left corner.

“It’s okay, we’re not going to hurt you” Sam says as he put his gun down. The children’s faces all contorted in confusion making Bucky repeat what Sam had said but in Romanian.

“unde este femeia?” A young boy spoke from the front.

“Oms?”

“Y/n”

“Y/n?”

“Da, ea este prietena noastră“

“ea este cu noi, acum ești în siguranță” Bucky and Sam watched as the children took careful steps towards them, Sam spoke through his comms to let the team know that they were coming out with kids.

After getting the kids on the quinjet they both made their way back into the base.

“I found a file called Little Bird, all the crimes Y/n’s ever committed for them is on here” Nat says as she opens up another link, surveillance footage after footage showing Y/n, committing crime and crime, more worse than the previous.

“Download everything to do with Y/n and we’ll show Fury, Buck Sam said something about the kids knowing Y/-Buck?” Sam laughs at Steve’s facial expression when he realises that Bucky’s not in the room with them.

“Left corridor, right at the end”

“She carved her name into the wall just so she wouldn’t forget” Bucky says without looking to see who was behind him. “She also wrote how many days she was here, she probably lost count after day 327” Turning to face his oldest friend with tears rolling down his face. “Steve, day 327 I lit a candle in her room to keep it smelling the way it always did. For 327 days we cried and mourned her whe-when she was here all along, alone and terrified. I should of done more Stevie, I shou-should of known she was still alive”

“Buck it’s not your fault! It’s not our fault either, we all watched her die. We couldn’t of known Buck so stop trying to blame yourself”

“I need to tell you something”

“Anything pal, you know this”

“17 years ago when I was still under Hydra’s control…I was sent on a mission to kill this girl, I get to her location bu-but I couldn’t go through with it. I remember her smile as clear as day, she was with an older man - laughing about who knows what but her smile Stevie” For the first time in over two weeks Steve watches his friend smile at a memory he wishes he could see. “I left and was punished for not completing the mission. It was Y/n, she was the girl. The exact same smile when I first met her-“

“Buck…”

“I never told her. I just couldn’t you know? And the worst part is Steve, if I could go back in time and do it over again, I wouldn’t. For my own selfish needs I wouldn’t stop the pain she would have to go through for six years. I would let her go through all the pain and suffering because I’m selfish!”

“You’re not selfish Bucky! You love her, you always have and you always will. I’m glad you didn’t do it 17 years ago either because I wouldn’t have met her, I wouldn’t have had a great friend, she’s the only person who ever treat me as Steve and not America’s puppet. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes Buck”

“We agree, with Steve I mean” Both men turn to face the team who were standing in the doorway.

“It’s not your fault tin-Bucky, none of this is” Tony corrects himself.

“I’m pretty sure she’d do it all ove-“.

Wanda gets cut off by Fury’s voice through their comms “You need to get back to the Tower now”

“What’s goin-“

“Now!”

They are looked equally confused by Fury’s tone and demand, but complied nonetheless.

After the children were taken away by the medical staff, FRIDAY let them know to go straight into the briefing room - where Fury, Maria, Ross sat waiting.

“What’s going on?” Steve asks, looking at all three people.

“Y/n’s been attacked in the Raft” Fury speaks solemnly.

“W-what? Who by? When?”

“Late last night”

“And you’re only telling us this now?”

“We only found out an hour before I told you to get back!”

“Where is she?” Tony questioned.

“Still there…” Ross speaks up from the end of the table.

“You’ve got to be joking right? She gets attacked and she’s still there?”

“We have to wait for the President to sign the paperwork agreeing to have her moved to a hospital, a lot of armed guards are going to be needed”

“Who attacked her?” Bucky asks.

“We don’t know”

“How bad is it?”

“We don’t know, but bad enough for the prick in charge to let us know about it happening”

Just as Bucky was about to open his mouth an agent came running in “Sir, this is straight from the President” Handing over a piece of paper to Ross, who then squeezes his eyes shut.

“What does it say Ross?”

“He’s not allowing her to be moved”.

Chaos. Chaos is the best way to describe what happened next. Everyone shouting, Tony even picked up a chair and threw it through one of the windows.

“He can’t do this!” Fury shouted.

“He’s the President of the United States Fury! He also believes she’s a traitor. He’s also not allowing her to have any more visitors”

“She’s going to die in there Ross!”

“I know, I know. Now if everyone calmly collects themselves and follow me I have a plan.”

She had managed to find a more comfortable position to finally fall asleep, which wasn’t easy to do on cold concrete flooring. Now matter which way she turned the collar dug in her neck causing her to wince at the pain. The handcuffs weren’t helping either.

Hearing the now familiar locks clicking on her door, she sat up and scooted into the corner.

“You’ve got special visitors” One of the guards said “Get up traitor”

Standing up on shaky legs, she waited for her next instructions, which didn’t come as the guard gripped the cuff link and pulled her roughly. Bare feet digging slightly into the metal grates of the walkway as she tried to keep up with the guards.

“Get in there” His rough voice echoed through the empty corridor, her heart pounded in her chest as this wasn’t the same place she was taken to when Fury and the team had been to see her.

“Whe-“ She gets cut off as she gets pushed into the room.

In the windowless room there was no chairs or table, there was nothing other than 8 men standing there.

“You’ve got two hours boys. Make sure you don’t kill her or the warden will be pissed plus she’s got more special visitors tomorrow” The guard chuckled before he closed the door.

“The most respected agent of SHIELD you was, hell I even looked up to you. And now you’re a murderer and a traitor!” A tall man with dark hair, whose eyes burned with hatred.

“So here’s what we’re going to do, each one of us is going to take a turn beating the shit out of you and your gonna be a good little girl and take it, understand?” The only blonde man spoke.

“Understand?” The first one spoke again.

Nodding her head, she watched them move around each other and waited for the first blow to come.

The punches and kicks just wouldn’t stop, she couldn’t even fight back due to the collar and handcuffs. Despite her whole entire body screaming and throbbing in pain she refused to let one sound slip from her now busted and swollen lips. All she repeated in her head like a mantra was that ‘she deserved this and more’, everyone was right, she was a traitor and no not because she wanted to but because she didn’t end her life before Hydra had a chance to turn her into a monster. She betrayed every single thing she stood for, everything she believed in, she betrayed herself and SHIELD. But most importantly she betrayed The Avengers, her family.

Knowing that they watched her ‘die’ broke her heart, when she watched her funeral, - Rumlow using it to break her - she put a shaky hand to theirs faces on the small grainy tv screen, trying to send them comfort despite where she was and what she was going through. She didn’t mean to hurt them, of course she didn’t want to but it wasn’t something that she had no control over. 

If laying on the cold, dingy floor taking punch after punch, kick after kick was to make up for the pain she caused her family to go through, she’ll happily do it until her last breath.

“Times up fellas” The guard came into the room “I gave you an extra 15 minu- you did a right number on her, didn’t you lads” He chuckled at the sight of her.

“Just give me one more minute with her, I just need to say one last thing”

“Sure thing just make it quick”

As the men walked out they spat on her one by one, and when the door closed the last man picked her up by her hair. “That was for all the agents you killed, my brother was one of them! I had to tell our parents that he wasn’t coming home anymore. I promised my ma I would get the person who did this, best 300 bucks I’ve ever spent - oh sweetheart, didn’t you know that the wardens charging people to have their way with you, you’re not big and scary now are you?” He chuckled just before he spat right in her face and dropping her.

The guard comes back in and takes her back to her cell. “Sweet dreams Little Bird” is what he says to her before locking the door.

After the third day, her face was unrecognisable. Her prayers for death weren’t being answered.

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Tags: @unaxv @sapphirebarnes @bethexo07 @doublebassallie @vicmc624 @cyberficlya @elijahssuit @learisa @wasffginc

~ banner credit goes to @sweetpeapod ~

[dinosaurfucker]

https://mein-mmo.de/dragon-age-preview-event-angespielt-und-begeistert/2/#google_vignette

What the fuuuuccccckkkkkk I hate EA I hate Bioware whyyyyy literally rhe fucking draw of this game series is your choices matter this is so fucking LAZY!!!

[goodevilgirlintentions-blog]

Totul începe prin sărutări umede, mușcături de buze, îmi frec fundul sexy de penisul lui, si il trag de par pentru a contura linia maxilarului cu vârful limbii. Îmi apuca bucile si le strange, gem in gura lui. Îmi desface capsele de la body, siiii trece un deget printre labii. Ah, ma trec toți fiorii cand mă gândesc. S-a oprit la clit, a apăsat, îl sărutam mai mult. Când a băgat un deget in interiorul meu, mi-am dat capul pe spate. Eram foarte excitată, iar el ma chinuia. Ii fut degetele, i le umezesc bine, ca apoi sa ma lase goală si sa le aduca asupra gurii lui unde le curăță. Mă uitam șocată la el, mă excita groaznic asta. Mi-am muscat buzele, dar nu pentru mult timp. Mâinile sale ma aduc cu feminitatea deasupra lui. Trece cu limba peste ea, ii strâng capul intre picioare, imi apuca parul si trage de el când isi vâră limba în mine.

[decembrie-18]

Pentru mine, fericirea are poartă și gard, cireși de iunie, miros de tei,lăbuțe de pisică şi năsuc de cățel.

Când pleci de acasă, pleci după mai bine, pleci după fericire, după orizonturi mai largi și pe care înainte nu le-ai avut. Pleci pentru că te simți prea mare într-un loc care nu îți mai vine la fel de bine, așa cum nu-ți mai vin nici hainele de când erai copil. Pleci pentru că ai tot crescut și pentru că de la un anumit punct e normal să vrei să crești într-o pădure și nu în locul în care te-ai născut.

      Și ai dreptate să pleci, așa cum fiecare pasăre are dreptate să zboare din cuib atunci când cerurile toate i se deschid înainte, înspăimântătoare și amăgitoare în același timp. Ai dreptate să pleci, pentru că lumea asta în care trăim e prea mare și cu toții avem nevoie la un moment dat să ne simțim mai mici, la fel de mult cum avem nevoie să ne simțim mai mari decât suntem de fapt.

            Dar adevărul e că, oricât de departe ți s-ar întinde orizonturile, oricât de bine ai găsi după ce ai plecat și oricâte fericiri ți-ar ieși în cale, acasă are întotdeauna o liniște aparte, ca și cum numai acolo ar sta lumea întreagă pe loc și s-ar odihni.

            Ai dreptate să pleci. Și ai dreptate să te întorci.

            Pentru mine, fericirea crește mai bine la sat, e pe jumătate sălbatică și pe jumătate blândă și se rostește în cuvinte puține, dar rumegate îndelung.

            Pentru mine, fericirea are poartă și gard, cireși de iunie, miros de tei; are apusuri care se destramă la linia orizontului și pisici care își topesc zilele stând tolănite lângă temelia casei; are ceaune în care fierbe dulceața și sărutări pe tâmplă de la oamenii iubiți.

            Mie, fericirea îmi tihnește mai bine în lumi mai mici, acolo unde mă văd nevoită să mă dezbrac de ambiții și visuri înainte să pășesc în ele, din cauză că n-aș avea loc pe poartă dacă m-aș încăpățâna să le iau după mine.

            Și cred că fiecare om are nevoie de un astfel de loc, de o lume mai mică pe care să o poată cuprinde cu ochii, de la început până la sfârșit, dar și cu sufletul, de la țărâna de pe jos și până sus, la bucata de cer care îi acoperă lumea micuță, căci spre deosebire de iubirea care umple până la refuz orice spațiu pe care îl găsește, fericirea e ceva mai capricioasă. Fericirea e atât cât e, atât cât îi dai voie să fie, condamnată, de noi înșine, niciodată de altcineva, la comparații care nu își au rostul și măsurători pentru care încă nu s-au inventat instrumentele potrivite.

            Și mai cred că, indiferent cât de departe am alerga după fericire, rădăcinile ei se află acolo unde se află și rădăcinile noastre, ca și cum ne-am naște deja cu ea, dar nu și cu capacitatea de a o găsi sau vedea

[yamayuandadu]

Speaking of the gala, what are your thoughts on Ilan Peled 2016 Masculinites and Third Gender, where he claims that gala were related to Inanna? Personally I feel like the argument that they are members of her clergy specifically is a stretch, since it is also mentioned that they were linked to Ea and also Ninazu (in the same text that linked Kalu to Inanna/Ishtar, the kalamahu was of Ninazu) although there are texts that do seem to suggest some kind of connection to Ishtar?

Mixed feelings on his work; he's far from the worst the field has to offer, the "non-hegemonic masculinity" interpretation is interesting, and I appreciate consisteintly pushing back against dubious takes linking whatever possible with Cybele, Attis and galli (Frazerian!), but he falls into many of the pitfalls other authors I've mentioned in the recent Inanna article point out in Assyriological treatments of gender, like assuming that every figure whose gender is uncertain is bound to be AMAB or seeking sexual undertones in performances which appear to lack it (though not always, and he in fact rightfully chastised Marten Stol in a review - p. 359 - for similar ventures). I am also not sure why he persistently argues that we can presume members of discussed professions had no children (he sees the inability to have children as some grand unifying feature of gala, kurgarru, assinnu, pilipili and others) when we actually tend to know nothing about their family life, with the eception of the gala, who did not seem to differ in that regard from "regular" priests. Personally I see no point in engaging with most studies which treat the gala as innately Inanna-related for the simple reason this is empirically not true. More under the cut; I went through some of this material before already.

The screencap is from Paul Delnero's How To Do Things With Tears. Ritual Lamenting in Ancient Mesopotamia (p. 110); the cited study is Musiker und ihr vokales Repertoire: Untersuchungen zu Inhalt und Organisation von Musikerberufen und Liedgattungen in altbabylonischer Zeit by Dahlia Shehata. I should note Shehata argues for some sort of innate connection for regular gala, which is odd, since she admits herself it is not evident in the ceremonies they took part in (p. 89) and that the list of attested head gala makes it impossible to link them with a single deity (p. 64). The evidence mustered to prove the connection is limited to two literary texts (Inanna's Descent and an Emesal text which has Enki create the first gala to perform a soothing song for Inanna; in both cases you can make an equally strong if not stronger case for an Enki connection, especially since we know in the first millennium BCE the arts of the gala were regarded as a creation of Ea like these of other classes of clergy) and a proverb which doesn't even mention Inanna but merely a city gate named after her; she even brings up a literary text where the gala is seemingly acting in association with Utu (p. 91), which somehow doesn't get the same preferential treatment. This is not exactly a criticism of the monograph as a whole, and in fact I recommend it (note most of it is about regular musicians, though - not gala, let alone their gender). The gala section ends with a much appreciated conclusion that the range of their religious activity was much greater than often assumed and it has a fair share of interesting proposals, like interpreting the gala as countertenor (apparently proposed earlier by Farouk al-Rawi already, but new to me), or a new interpretation of proverbs which according to Shehata essentially poke fun at gala as cowardly megalomaniacs whose economic position is secure thanks to their religious duties; in other words, fairly standard negative portrayal of clergy across time and space. I also think stressing that there is no reason to doubt at least some gala had biological children is more than fair; we do have cases where members of a specific group could only adopt - for example naditu - but this is always made explicit in primary sources. I have two other issues doesn't pertain to the gala, also: I am not sure where does Shehata's idea the pilipili is the Sumerian translation of assinnu come from - I am fairly sure they are discussed separately most of the time, and the standard Akkadian translation of pilipili is simply pilipilu. Also, we can't even be sure pilipili's gender (let alone anything else about them) was the same as that of the assinnu. The other issue is that the Ninshubur coverage is.... puzzling at best.

[cappussims4you]

Original BIG Save 2024 ♦ No CC

♥ A complete save for The Sims 4 - New lots, holidays, groups, good & bad relationships, careers, hobbies and much more ♥ You have three options where you can download it

Download SFS Download Simszoo Download Mediafire Now the text continues in German. ♥ I hope you have fun and give me feedback on what you experience in the BIG Save 2024.

Im Download enthalten: • Die Save Datei "Original BIG Save 2024" • Welten Übersichtskarten wo auch Startergrundstücke markiert sind • Anleitung "Was benötige ich & wohin damit?" • Überblick der Grundstücke in Textform zum nachlesen wo was platziert ist • Welten Einblicke, schöne Screens zum anschauen • Alle Erstellerinnen + Links Ein besonders großes Dankeschön geht an die liebe MissysSims die so unglaublich viel mitgewerkelt, mitgedacht & mitkreiert hat in diesem Save! Es ist eine richtige Teamarbeit seit diesem Jahr geworden und es hat einen Riesenspaß gemacht. Vielen Dank Missy! 🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟 💎Alle Erstellerinnen der Grundstücke & Haushalte💜DANKE💎

🍓 MissysSims | Simszoo & YouTube & Twitch 🍋 Marmelad | MarmeladArt | YouTube 🍓 EinfachAgi | YouTube 🍋 Smoerley | YouTube & Twitch 🍓 Schnattchen | Simszoo 🍋 Mammut | Simszoo 🍓 Cappu | CappuSims4You | Simszoo & YouTube ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ 🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟⭐🌟

INFOS: • Im Spiel steht bei jedem Grundstück & Haushalt die EA ID der Erstellerin dabei. • Es gibt 31 ganz neue Gruppen & 4 originale Gruppen sind geblieben. • Jetzt gibt es 8 neue Feiertage im Kalender • Insgesamt gibt es 524 Sims (Tiere zählen mit). Im Bereich "Meine Haushalte" werden dir im BIG Save 2024 nur 130 Sims angezeigt. Schiebe ruhig Haushalte rüber in die Ecke "Andere Haushalte".   Bedenke aber: Dort können die Sims Beziehungen & Fähigkeiten usw. verlieren. Freunde deines Sims, empfehle ich deshalb in "Meine Haushalte" zu verschieben. • Schaut in die Haushaltsbeschreibung z.B. im Bereich "Haushalte verwalten", dort steht welchen Beruf ein Sim hat, ob er ein okkultes Wesen ist und welche NPC Rolle er hat. Manchmal steht die Rolle auch zusätzlich als Haushaltsname dran. • Sims haben andere Regenschirme dabei. (Enldlich rennen nicht alle mit den schwarzen Regenschirmen herum) • Manche Sims haben eine neue Handyhülle bekommen. • Die Sims haben jetzt untereinander positive & negative Beziehungen + gibt es ein paar wenige Beste Freunde & 2 Feindschaften. • Ich habe versucht möglichst überall Thermostate anzubringen auf Wohngrundstücken und Gemeinschaftsgrundstücken. (sicher findet ihr Grundstücke wo sie fehlen werden xD) • Viele Sims haben Karrieren & Fähigkeiten, manche haben zusätzliche Merkmale & einige wenige haben sogar aktive Lebensstile. • Fast alle Sims haben eingestellte Beziehungspräferenzen, Vorlieben & Abneigungen z.b. bei den Gesprächsthemen und Hobbys usw. Was sie anziehend & unattraktiv finden wurde auch bei vielen Sims eingestellt. • Fast alle Sims (überweigend weibliche) wurden mit den neuen Wimpern geupdatet.

ʕ•́ᴥ•̀ʔっ Have Fun

[balkanikabg]

Cooking Scrolls [Ancient Roman Theme]

These cooking scrolls work like my Keto Cookbook and can be found unde the  small appliances category. You can make 19 different types of Ancient Roman dishes through them.

Each dish requires different cooking level, there are also 4 grand dishes that require gourmet skill.

3 of the meshes for the dishes were conversions of TSM dishes.

All dishes can be cooked off-the-grid.

From the Cooking Scrolls, you can also execute two extra interactions (Buy Ingredients or Go Hunting).

You can buy 26 different ingredients (mostly different types of chopped meat, I went slightly overboeard because in my personal game I built Butcher Shoppe for my Sims to go and buy).

Go hunting will send your Sim in a rabbit hole for 1-2 hours, their hyagene and energy will decrease, but their fun will increase and they'll develop fitness skill. There are 7 different types of carcass they can come home with (boar, rabbit, lamb, goose, duck, phesant or chicken). All ingredients (from buy and hunting) have EA and Srsly tags, so you can use them as ingredients in other recipes as well, by other creators or in EA recipes.

This is part 2 of 3 dedicated to Ancient Roman Theme.

(You can check part 1 dedicated to Roman fast food taverns HERE, Part 3 is coming in May will cover Wine Making and building vineyard and Winery).

MORE PHOTOS AND DOWNLOAD INFO UNDER THE CUT

DOWNLOAD (Early Access)

@sssvitlanz @maxismatchccworld @twentiethcenturysims

[mrnevermindevermind]

“să simți cum pulsez după mișcările șoldurilor tale…”

Se întoarce la mine, aplecându-se în față, împingându-și fesele și mai puternic în poala mea, în timp ce-mi plimbam mâna pe spatele ei, se uită la mine și zâmbește zicând:

-Situația tocmai a devenit puțin cam dificilă, nu-i așa?

-Atunci iubesc dificilul…

O cuprin de talie, o întorc cu genunchii pe fotoliul unde fusesem pus la colț de către ea, trag lenjeria de dantelă jos, privind cum pielea i se făcea de găină, și încep masajul plăcerii, până simt că nu mai rezistă nici ea și începe să își împingă fundul spre mine, puțin insistent.

Ii bag o mana in par, ajung in fata ei, vad cum vrea sa guste si nu sta pe ganduri, ma aplec peste ea si continui sa ii plesnesc fundul si sa masez tardiv zona unde urma să-mi ard toate gândurile si sa-mi uit toate problemele.

Simt cum trage tot ce e mai ascuns in mine si ii privesc chipul si ochii care spun ca nu se va termina prea repede ceea ce tocmai am inceput, privirea peste rama ochelarilor ma face sa pulsez incat si ea reactioneaza la pulsațiile create chiar de catre ea…

Îi spun, fara sa mai pot astepta in timp ce o ridic usor cu mana inca in parul ei, asezandu-ma din nou pe fotoliu

-Ana, pune-ma putin la respect…vreau sa fii o profesoara severa si eu un elev obraznic…

To be continued…

[oana-diana23]

Text preluat:

"Cred ca de 2 ani de cand fac uber, mersul acestui cuplu m-a marcat cel mai mult. Mi-a reamintit ca o relatie de cuplu este despre rabdare, tandrete si dorinta de sacrificiu in fata caruia timpul devine irelevant.

I-am mai luat cred ca o data sau de 2 ori, de la aceiasi ferma de capsuni unde ei merg sa serveasca pranzul , probabil cauta sa manance cu ingrediente locale si cat mai aproape de natura.

Ma uitam cum doamna facuse 20m spre masina in 5 minute si cum el statea dupa ea lent, la fiecare pas, tinand-o de mana. Pentru o secunda imi pierdusem putin rabdarea, apoi m-am oprit.

Deodata a inceput sa-mi treaca prin fata ochilor tot efortul acelui om. Am inceput sa-mi imaginez fiecare pas alaturi de ea din ultimii cel putin 10 ani, pe care ii face neuitandu-se la ceas.

Am vrut sa-l laud la sfarsit pentru tandretea si rabdarea lui, sa-i zic ca sper sa pot si eu fi macar o zecime cu viitoarea partenera, dar cred ca uneori cuvintele limiteaza experienta viscerala, asa ca am ales doar sa simt si acum sa scriu si aici, sa-mi mai apara sper in cronologie peste ani, in cazul in care voi uita ca generatia noastra din perspectiva mea este sexualizata, standardizata si pe repede inainte si produce in mare parte doar relatii superficiale la care si terapeutii se amuza constant si se intreaba probabil incotro ne indreptam fara astfel de exemple etice ca cel mentionat. Ei sunt copacii cei mai grosi cu radacinile cele mai puternice, in bataia timpului, ale speciei noastre, si totusi foarte rar de gasit."

[hiddenfeelings02l]

Scriu nu pentru ca tu să citești, ci pentru că uneori cuvintele au nevoie să fie eliberate. Am multe gânduri și sentimente nespuse, iar ele își găsesc locul aici, în tăcerea acestei aplicatii poate este ciudat ca iar scriu aici cu gândul ca vezi?antiteza nu-i asa?....nu nu este ciudat este probabil o anormalitate necontrolata .este aplicația în care mai vedem dacă mai suntem online și dacă mai postam câte ceva 🙄

Am văzut ca ești bine și ma bucura faptul asta chiar din suflet .🙂

Din păcate eu m-am pierdut pe mine dar cred ca asta s-a vrut...nu le zic cu răutate le zic cum simt....

Încet dar sigur m-am distrus psihic și încă nu găsesc o cale de vindecare ..sunt multe răspunsuri pe care cred ca inima sau creierul vrea sa le refuze sa creadă ca ar fi un adevăr urat ...

Poate ar părea victimizare ,dar nu este .pentru ce sa ma victimizez ca nu are cine sa ma ajute când simt ca ma innec.

Am cedat .am spus-o de multe ori dar acum psihicul meu mi-a dat un semnal de alarma care m-a băgat în panica și m-am speriat și cui sa cer ajutorul?când eu nu sunt în stare sa ma ajut pe mine .Gândurile..trăiesc cu ele și le accept în încercarea mea da a scăpa din bula asta .

Liniște. ..ce frumos suna ..Dar atât de greu sa o ai când ești instabil emotional și psihic când gândești una ,zici altceva și totul este un haos .Un haos creat de mâinile noastre alimentat cu răutate și rigiditate.

Va ma dura ceva pana totul se așează și pana atunci mai ducem câte o lupta în fiecare zi pana la un moment dat va veni și învingerea și convingerea ca în sfârșit este bine .

Stiu ca acolo sus cineva drag ma veghează și ma indruma sa ma fac bine și sa fac bine în continuare.🙏

..ma uit la copilul meu și ma simt neputincioasa pentru ca mami nu e bine ..nici fizic nici psihic ..vad cum rade și se bucura de orice lucru și asta îmi da o speranța că totuși viata nu este chiar atât de rea ..noi o facem sa fie mai grea și mai dificila ...

Vreau sa fiu bine și nu știu de unde sa încep..cum sa îmi culeg gândurile..cum le așez..cum le pun în ordine ca să îmi fie bine mie ..pentru a fi o mama bună

Simt câteodată ca am eșuat ca mama ca nu îmi fac copilul mândru de mine ..

Îmi doresc sa fiu bine pentru fetita mea,inima și sufletul meu .dacă am tot încercat punându-mi ca "țel " pe mine și nu am reușit..poate voi reuși pentru ea .ea nu merita sa o vadă pe mami trista și apăsată de toate problemele de zi cu zi .viata nu este roz dar nici neagra .are suișuri și coborâșuri. Depinde cum le gestionam sa facem sa ieșim din acele pase proaste și sa vedem luminița de la capătul tunelului

Nimic nu se întâmplă întâmplător și nimic nu se întâmplă fără a te învață o lecție. O lecție se repeta pana Dumnezeu vede ca ai învățat din ea .

Dumnezeu vrea la toți binele și ne ajuta .doar ca în momente cu gânduri rele și negativiste atunci este mai greu sa vezi .

Ai câștigat intr-un final 🙏

Ești mai puternic acum și mai încrezător în schimb eu ,doborâta .

Asa e viata ,îți mai da câte o palma ca să vezi ca lucruri nu sunt exact cum îți imaginezi.

[turangalila]

Orazio Vecchi (1550-1605) Missa Pro defunctis [Missarum senis et octonis vocibus. Liber primus. (Angelo Gardano, Venice, 1607.)]

– I. Introitus: Requiem aeternam Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, / et lux perpetua luceat eis. / Te decet hymnus Deus, in Sion, / et tibi reddetur votum in Jerusalem. / Exaudi orationem meam; / ad te omnis caro veniet. / Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine / et lux perpetua luceat eis.

– II. Kyrie.

– III. Graduale: Si ambulem. Si ambulem in medio umbrae mortis, non timebo mala: quoniam tu mecum es, Domine. Virga tua et baculus tuus, ipsa me consolata sunt.

– IV. Sequentia: Dies irae Dies iræ, dies illa, / Solvet sæclum in favilla, / Teste David cum Sibylla! / Quantus tremor est futurus, / quando iudex est venturus, / cuncta stricte discussurus! // Tuba mirum spargens sonum / per sepulcra regionum, / coget omnes ante thronum. / Mors stupebit et Natura, / cum resurget creatura, / iudicanti responsura. / Liber scriptus proferetur, / in quo totum continetur, / unde Mundus iudicetur. / Iudex ergo cum sedebit, / quidquid latet apparebit, / nil inultum remanebit. / Quid sum miser tunc dicturus? / Quem patronum rogaturus, / cum vix iustus sit securus? // Rex tremendæ maiestatis, / qui salvandos salvas gratis, / salva me, fons pietatis. // Recordare, Iesu pie, / quod sum causa tuæ viæ; / ne me perdas illa die. / Quærens me, sedisti lassus, / redemisti crucem passus, / tantus labor non sit cassus. / Iuste Iudex ultionis, /donum fac remissionis / ante diem rationis. // Ingemisco, tamquam reus, / culpa rubet vultus meus, / supplicanti parce Deus. / Qui Mariam absolvisti, / et latronem exaudisti, / mihi quoque spem dedisti. / Preces meæ non sunt dignæ, / sed tu bonus fac benigne, / ne perenni cremer igne. / Inter oves locum præsta, / et ab hædis me sequestra, / statuens in parte dextra. // Confutatis maledictis, / flammis acribus addictis, / voca me cum benedictis. / Oro supplex et acclinis, / cor contritum quasi cinis, / gere curam mei finis. // Lacrimosa dies illa, / qua resurget ex favilla / iudicandus homo reus. / Huic ergo parce, Deus. / Pie Iesu Domine, / dona eis requiem. // Amen.//

– V. Offertorium: Domine Jesu Christe Domine, Iesu Christe, Rex gloriae, / libera animas omnium fidelium defunctorum / de poenis inferni et de profundo lacu. / Libera eas de ore leonis, / ne absorbeat eas tartarus, / ne cadant in obscurum. / Sed signifer sanctus Michael / repraesentet eas in lucem sanctam, / quam olim Abrahae promisisti et semini ejus.

– VI. Sanctus

– VII. Agnus Dei

– VIII. Communio: Lux aeterna Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine, / cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, / quia pius es. / Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine, / et lux perpetua luceat eis: / Cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, quia pius es.

_

Orazio Vecchi – Requiem. Rubens's Funeral And The Antwerp Baroque. Graindelavoix. Björn Schmelzer (2017, Glossa – GCD P32113)

[heixsimsie]

Good morning and happy Patch Day. 🌞😄

Yesterday's news are interesting.

To be honest, I don't know how to assess everything. I think EA is really trying.

I can't imagine anything among the Creator Sets and have to see them first when they are available. At the moment I can't say if I need this in my game, since I don't use CC or mods.

That's why I just let myself be surprised.

All in all, sounds promising.

[autopsiedeganduri]

Pleoapele îmi erau plumburii, iar ceața se așternea deasupra pământului precum un voal de mătase. Luminile stradale începeau să se asemene unor licurici, iar ochii mei începeau să devină înșelători, la fel și celelalte simțuri. Țineam volanul cu degetele încleștate, asigurându-mă că somnul nu are să mă fure încă. Destinația îmi era necunoscută, însă știam ce avea să mă aștepte. Cu fiecare minut mă aflam mai aproape de ea, și puteam parcă să o simt, de parcă nu ar fi fost întâia oară când o vedeam. Mă las purtat de reverii, iar cutia de metal în care mă aflam se leagănă brusc în stânga și în dreapta. Îmi scutur capul și reduc viteza. Drumul îl știam, îl mai parcursesem de atât de multe ori, însă oboseala îmi îngreuna fiecare mișcare. Nu eram un om credincios, dar înaintasem o rugăciune printre buze, care era menită să ajungă la urechile oricărei zeități avea să mă asculte:”Te rog lasă-mă să ajung la ea, să o strâng măcar o dată în brațe, iar apoi pot să mor fericit.”

Înaintam grăbit, încercând să scurtez multitudinea de curbe, ignorând din răsputeri asemănarea izbitoare cu un carusel pe care o căpătase brusc drumul. Brusc munții nu mă mai sugrumă, lumina orbitoare a orașului străpungând-mă până în orbitele ochilor. Mai aveam atât de puțin și puțin a fost într-adevăr. Parchez în primul loc pe care îl zăresc liber și oftez prelung. O parte din mine și-ar fi dorit să o găsească la scară, așteptând să mă vadă la fel de mult precum așteptam și eu. O sun și realizez că am trezit-o din somn, dar izbutește să mă îndrume către scara blocului ei. Sun la interfon, îmi răspunde, dar nu mă așteaptă, nici în capul scărilor, nici în pragul ușii. Nimeresc ușa ei și pătrund în apartamentul întunecat, aproape împiedicându-mă. Intru în cameră și mă așez pe canapea, la picioarele ei, iar ea continuă să doarmă. Dacă ar fi fost altcineva, aș fi luat-o ca pe un afront, aș fi făcut un întreg scandal și probabil că, deși răpus de oboseală, m-aș fi întors în mașină și aș fi plecat. Acela trebuia să fie semnul meu “Nu se bucură că ești aici. Ești un intrus și așa vei rămâne.” îmi șoptea constant mintea, dar nu mă puteam mișca din loc. Stăteam pe întuneric și o ascultam cum respiră, așa cum am ascultat-o nenumărate nopți atunci când adormea la telefon. Am încercat delicat să o trezesc, deși îmi doream să se odihnească, îmi doream totodată să pot să o strâng în brațe.

Am întrebat-o unde este baia și m-am ridicat, tot pe întuneric, să o caut. Ajuns într-un final în fața oglinzii ei, mă blamam cumplit. Ochii mei căprui, brăzdați de cearcăne, mă cercetau aspru. “De ce nu pleci? Este cât se poate de clar că nu ești dorit aici.” mă mustra iarăși mintea mea. Mă spăl pe mâini și pe față și mă bucur când văd primele raze ale soarelui luminând încăperile străine mie. Ies pe coridor și aproape că mă rătăcesc iarăși, dar reușesc cumva să îmi găsesc calea înapoi spre ea. Mă întind lângă ea, dar nu aveam loc amândoi, așa că o cuprind cu o mână, mă agăț de ea ca să nu cad și cumva o caut prin așternut, prin perne. “De ce te temi atât de tare de femeia aceasta?” ma gândeam în timp ce încercam să o trezesc, să o fac să realizeze că sunt acolo. Căutam un soi de validare? Nu neapărat, dar știam în sinea mea că dacă ea ar fi venit, eu aș fi așteptat-o și mi-aș fi petrecut fiecare secundă alături de ea. Greșeam eu să simt așa? Pusesem eu prea multă presiune? În fond, o vedeam pentru prima oară? Dar cum puteam să spun că o văd pentru prima oară? Ne petreceam fiecare moment împreuna, chiar și așa de la distanță, ne cunoșteam unul pe celălalt mai bine decât oricine.

Într-un final se trezește, dar nu bucuria venirii mele o ridică de pe canapea, ci nevoia de cofeină. O urmez în bucătărie și nici nu îndrăznesc să mă așez undeva până nu îmi indică ea. Voiam să o am aproape, dar eram singur în dorința mea. Nu puteam să nu mă gândesc că poate îi eram respingător, că poate voia să mă îndepărteze în sfârșit prin acțiunile ei, că poate nici nu își dorise cu adevărat să vin. Ne-am băut cafeaua împreună, am fumat, am încercat să îi dau spațiu să își facă rutina, dar părea mult mai îndrăgostită de propriul telefon decât de mine. Totuși nu puteam să nu o observ. Încercam să nu mă uit într-atât de insistent, dar simțeam nevoia să o memorez așa cum era în acea dimineață, cu părul ciufulit, ochii încă tulburi de după somn, cu halatul ei roz, atât de rece și intangibilă și poate că acolo greșisem. Poate că ar fi trebuit să o cobor chiar atunci de pe piedestalul pe care tot eu i-l construisem, poate că greșeala mea fusese că nu m-am iubit pe mine înainte să o iubesc pe ea și de aceea am fost mereu nimic în ochii ei. Mi-aș fi dorit să îi citesc gândurile, să pot cumva să știu cu claritate că temerile mele erau nefondate. Ea nu avea să mi le alunge niciodată.

Și totuși am ales să o cer în acea zi. Poate că pentru ea nu a fost nimic profund, nimic special, dar eu simțeam cu toată ființa mea să îmi leg destinul de al ei. Mă așteptam, luni mai târziu să îmi regret gestul, să mă blamez că m-am grăbit, dar cum mă puteam blama, atunci când eu fusesem atât de sigur? Cum să fi alungat acel sentiment de liniște pe care îl dobândisem alături de ea. Sentiment ce nicio altă femeie nu mă mai făcuse să îl simt până atunci și nici de atunci. Cum puteam eu să îmi neg atât de brutal sentimentele și să fi plecat așa cum am venit? O parte din mine regretă că nu am luat-o cu mine. Am fi putut să fugim împreună undeva. Poate povestea noastră ar fi avut alt final, ori poate că finalul era același, ba chiar mai trist. Dar ce poate fi mai trist decât faptul că acum nu o mai am în viața mea? Că femeia căreia sunt atât de pregătit să îi ofer tot ce reprezint, ar prefera orice altceva? Încă aștept să se întoarcă. Încă aștept. Și n-ar fi nevoie de un gest măreț din partea ei, nu ar fi nevoie de scuze, ori de cine știe ce sacrificii, doar să se întoarcă și să nu mai plece.

Încep totuși să cred că nu se va întâmpla, că toată această iubire mă va consuma și mă va arde până nu va rămâne decât scrum în urma mea, că oricât aș iubi-o de mult, nu suplinește nimic altceva, iar eu nu sunt decât un om ce nu are nicio putere asupra ei, nu că mi-aș dori să am. Nu pot decât să o aștept și să o rememorez noapte după noapte, blocat în acest purgatoriu al proprie-i iubiri, pășind de mult pragul nebuniei, așteptând în van cu ușa ferecată în urma mea. Devotamentul meu este deopotrivă admirabil și condamnabil, dar altfel nu am să știu nicicând să fiu.

În lipsa ei privesc răsăritul și mă rog să se îndure soarta de mine, iar poate dacă adorm, am s-o întâlnesc în vise.