#ultimately don’t affect their present because love changes and people change

[loveinsomesacredplace]

There is no version of the story that has Belly ending up with Con that exists as a happy ending to me.

[vampiretendencies]

sfw alphabet — jj maybank

warning; fluff, angst, maybe suggestive, mentions of jj’s dad, mentions of pregnancy pairings; jj maybank x fem!reader authors note; posting old piece from my drafts, hope you’re all well and have full bellies <3 cred to owner of the gif and the sfw prompts (@/afghrodite )

A = FFECTION (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection? do they enjoy pda?)

He wants any and everything that you will give him. No one can ever change my mind that his first love language is physical touch. There is never a moment where his fingertips are not lingering on your skin. All the time, however, whenever.

Any form of affection will do for JJ, as long as he knows you’re present and that you’re there for him to hold and hang onto whenever he needs.

He longs to kiss the small skin behind your ear, paint your neck in kisses, and every other crevice that he can possibly reach.

He wants to breathe in your air, feel you in his lungs.

To get beneath your skin.

And he absolutely shows PDA, whether it be in the middle of grocery store he’s going to passionately love on you in front of everyone.

“J, there’s people staring!”

He would pull you flush into him, whilst you inspected an apple in the produce isle to see if it was the one you wanted. Such a craving ache to feel your skin against his.

“Don’t give a fuck, need you now, baby.”

The apple would bounce on the tiled floor, and he would leave you speechless by placing a slow and saccharine kiss to your lips. Molding perfectly, just how he liked and he would never get enough of that.

B = EAUTY (what is their favorite part of their partner. body part, trait, anything?)

Your hands. He absolutely loves how small your hands would be compared to his. How needy they look when they graze his frame, how intricately they fit into his much larger ones, and because they’re your hands they belong to you. And anything that’s traceable of you, he adores.

Both hands palm down on the bathroom counter.

“Love those lil’ things.”

He crossed his pinky over yours, so you’d get a hunch as to what he was referring to.

‘My hands?”

“Course’ baby. In every way.”

C = OMFORT (how do they comfort their partner? ex. after a panic attack or bad dream?)

It’s practically a given that he would never want you to be in harms way. He’s going to be there to walk you through every step of coming down from the fear, wallowing in the fact that he’d simply hurt the way his lover hurt.

So, an empath but only for you. He doesn’t give many people the pleasure of seeing that side of him.

If a panic attack were to ammense;

He’d pull you gently onto his lap and whisper the sweetest things he could muster, and that the panic wouldn’t be permanent.

“S’okay m’right here, baby.”

“Breathe with me …”

“Gonna’ get through this okay?”

D = EVOTED (how devoted are they in a relationship?)

The relationship is his most prized possession, and the only thing he’s held that close to his heart in years. He’s fully all in and wouldn’t want it any other way. There isn’t a doubt in his mind that you are his person, and he wants that for as long as humanly possible.

He gives you his full devotion, no one has his attention like you.

He’d definitely be one to say “If you’re tired of me, then take a nap, baby.”

E = NDING (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It would definitely have to be something tragic enough, like if cheating was involved.

But he would never fathom breaking up with you.

Because, living a life without you is not a life he could envision living.

If he absolutely had to, if he was at his wits end— he’d more than likely, text you or have one of the Pogues do it for him.

As we have established, he hates confrontation and will avoid expressing his feelings to people for fear of himself. All JJ has known is how to survive, and protect himself and the cause of the relationship ending would be his ultimate downfall.

He wouldn’t be able to cope, so having someone do his dirty work is the simplest route he could go.

F = UTURE (what is their ideal future with an s/o? marriage? how would they be domesticly?)

Try as he might, JJ has sort of always been envious with the idea of marriage. Despite all odds though, he would see himself settling down with you. He wants what he never got in life— desiring to allow you to know his heart and give himself free will to wake up next to you for the rest of his years.

“I couldn’t picture getting married before I met you.”

“How come?”

He’d twist the ends of your hair around his finger, stuck in a trance.

“Never felt this loved before.”

G = ENTLE (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

He treats you like an ethereal princess, you are his little baby.

Physically— when he touches you every movement is more delicate than the last, frightened that even if he breathes wrong he’ll break you. Lingering around with touches that are sensational.

“Gotta’ be gentle with my baby, alright?”

“You always are, J.”

Emotionally— he tries his upmost to be positive that he won’t damage or corrupt you. He has the worse time expressing his own emotions so it would be twice as horrifying for him to witness yours falling apart and not know what to do. But he’s fragile with you emotionally, no trace of tears should ever be left on your face in his sight.

“Wouldn’t ever fuck with your head like that.”

He was referring to the couple going at eachothers throat on the TV.

“Hope not.”

“Never pretty girl.”

H = UGS (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

This shouldn’t even be a question. He longs for hugs, any formation of his body against yours, he’s all over that.

He does every millisecond of the day without fail.

Brushing your teeth, calls for a hug from behind every morning.

The sensation of you against him, made him feel like he had all the power in the world. It’s freeing, and it always feels like the first time with his heart thumping every which way.

Do not ever deny him a hug, because he will pout like a small child all day.

“Why the fuck are you always all over her?” Kie grumbled, eyes rolling just a tad.

“Can’t get enough of her Kie, what can I say?”

I = NTUNE (how intune are they with their s/o's emotions? can they read their s/o well?)

He can read you like a book, like the back of his hand. It’s like he can sense it everywhere throughout his being. Just because he doesn’t know how to handle all emotions, doesn’t mean he can’t immediately sense when somethings wrong with his baby.

He proceeds to notice the glint in your eye.

“Who pissed you off now?”

“Just been a rough day.”

“Let me help you baby.”

J = EALOUSY (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

He’s going to fucking maul someone that does a double take in your direction. Pummel them, knock their brains from their skulls, whatever it takes. However, it does take a lot for another's gaze to get under JJ's skin; knowing full-well that he can fight and that what you and him have is unbreakable. But, the main thing JJ does when he's jealous is seat you in his lap or pull you closer into him if you aren't already; or give you endless kisses to make others envy the shared love he has with his girlfriend.

"Gonna' let them know you're mine okay pretty baby?"

"Let ‘em know, J."

K = ISSES (good kisser? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

100% guaranteed that JJ is an undeniably impeccable kisser. He’s had much experience before you, with flings and hookups. But when he found that your lips fit more accurate with his than anyone else’s, he was sold.

His favorite places to kiss you are the most untouched places, the places that don’t get enough recognition. He dares to show them more attention. So the inside of your wrist, the nape of your neck, the small of your back— something so intimate about the many crevices. He’d pay them special attention each and every time.

JJ likes to be kissed anywhere on his face, but mainly his lips because he felt your love that you have for him through the gesture. He was obsessed with the way the pairs of mouths would glide together, and fall apart— ravishing in every second of it.

And you never went unkissed. Therefore, don’t forget his kisses or he’s falling apart.

“Where’s my ‘see you later’ kiss?”

“You didn’t give me a chance to-“

He envelopes your lips with his, before you can continue speaking.

“Yeah that’s what I thought.”

L = LOVE LANGUAGE (what is their love language? gift giving? quality time?)

As it has already been mentioned. His love language is physical touch, he always wants to be recognized by you with loving and touching and being full of you— missing you in his bones. Though his second love language, is quality time. Because if in some dire circumstance that he wouldn’t be able to touch you at least he’ll know you’re with him— sulking in every ounce of the infatuation the lovers shared. He appreciated you being in his presence, and just creating moments and memories together— living life.

“Found this recipe for us to try tonight baby … s’got all the stuff you like in it.”

Nuzzling in a way for quality time, not a second more spent away from you.

“Sounds perfect J.”

M = MEMORIES (what are their favorite memories with their s/o or family?)

By far, his favorite memory is when he got you high for the first time and your were talking out of your ass. You were saying so much off the wall shit, JJ swore the muscles of his stomach never hurt more from laughing so vigorously. He always comes back to that memory because it encompasses the relationship so well, and he’d always want to relive it.

“How do you think medicine just knows what part of you is hurting?”

He’d sigh into your neck, placing a small peck there before laughing again. “Don’t know baby, m’not a doctor.”

“Can you be my doctor? You’d be such a hot doctor!”

“Want me to fix you all up pretty girl?”

“Mhm, make me all better.”

N = ICKNAMES (what do they call their partner?)

JJ is a nickname type of guy okay! He loves showering you with nicknames. His all time favorite though was baby, because you were undoubtedly his little baby. He treats you like one, he aches for the way it slips of his tongue and he knows you’ll come running. Pretty girl is his second favorite, because you were so alluring in his eyes that you were declared the prettiest woman in OBX. And the girl stems from, you simply being his girl and no one else’s.

He uses them any and every chance he gets, hell at this point does he even know your real name?

You tended to go for J, because it was something no one else called him. It was your own, like he was your own. And you could keep it that way, the single J in JJ was reserved for you, and only you. Baby was thrown in there too.

Several instances he’d require a nickname;

“Baby will you turn off the alarm.”

“Gonna go to JB’s for some beers, pretty girl.”

“You don’t need a chair, my lap is your own personal chair baby.”

O = PEN (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He is not necessarily closed off, but after having no role model in life to teach him how to express his emotions he tended to sit with them until he could fully process them enough to tell you. When he is ready he’ll come to you, like a sad puppy ready to vent then. Like the first time he told you I love you, he’d known for about 3 months. But he couldn’t find the correct way to say it, either that or he’d back out.

“Don’t know’ s’just when m’around you my heart does this thing … where it’s gonna fly straight out of my chest and I just can’t control it.”

“Is it love … maybe?”

“Always have I guess, because that feeling hasn’t went away. It’s worsened baby.”

P = ATIENCE (how easily angered are they?)

When it comes to patience, JJ has the utmost amount for you, it could go on for multitudes. He was wrapped around your finger, always had a hard time telling you no, and vice versa. It’s also because JJ has walked on egg shells his entire life, constantly getting attacked and belittled by his father— so any given circumstance he has patience to avoid a sour outcome. He knew bumping heads was bound to happen but he always ran away from it. His patience is key, and that’s what keeps JJ centered.

You’d asked him nearly a thousand times if the shirt you were wearing looked fine, and he’s just as amused as he was the first time. Patience not wavering one bit.

Why not make it a thousand and one?

“J, are you sure this shirt doesn’t make me look slouchy?”

“Prettiest slouch I’ve ever seen.”

He was toying with you, picking fun only to receive a glare in turn.

“JJ!”

“Okay, okay … you look fuckin’ phenomenal baby.”

Q = UALITY TIME (how would they spend time with a partner? what are dates like?)

If he’s not working he’s with you, the Pogues even teased him about soaking in all his time with you. But he wouldn’t have it any other way, he is always coming up with little schemes and plans as to how to spend essential time together— something worth remembering.

Unable to keep his hands off of you, Romantic, everlasting and with a twist from JJ.

His ideal date though is on the beach, feet gently getting washed by water as the two of you are sat on a picnic blanket. Drinking beers, smoking weed, a little food here and there. His dates are not well thought out at first, as even though it’s supposed to be a surprise he still asks for you help on little things. Merely flattered by even the gesture, the effort mattered most.

“I wanna stay here with you for a lifetime .. gonna’ love you and never leave, baby.”

“We can’t stay here forever though, the sand is gonna’ have imprints of our asses.”

R = ANDOM HEADCANON

You helped him start journaling, he was iffy at first because though he has patience for you he doesn’t have the patience to write multiple sentences down about how he felt.

So you convinced him to take it one sentence at a time, that it would help him cope even just a little bit with the scarring hurt and pain he’s dealt with in his life.

And you persuaded him.

Something to give him routine, and to subsist for a second.

“So glad you introduced this to me baby, my heart doesn’t feel so heavy.”

You’d kiss his temple gently, and his eyes closed at the comfort.

“Anything to help, J”

S = ECURITY (how protective are they?)

JJ will walks to the ends of this earth to be positive you are safe. Whether that be from Kooks, or from someone that tried to hold the door open for you knowing full well you have a boyfriend beside you. He’d be ranked in overprotective, but in the best way possible and for all the right reasons. He’s overpowering with it when need be. You found it attractive simply because of that. But he’s not toxic, or nasty. He’s just JJ.

“So you don’t care how long I’m gone for?”

“Course’ baby, just let me know that you’ve gotten there safe.”

T = TINY ONES (how do they feel about kids? how would they act with kids?)

If it is a teen pregnancy, JJ is hesitant at first because he can’t even take care of himself led alone an actual real life child. But, if it happens he can’t control it, he took part in making it so he will fully own up to that baby. He will take care of it with his life.

Later in life, if you were to get pregnant JJ would absolutely be captivated by it. JJ always wanted kids that he’d be able to give everything to that he didn’t have as a child. A mother that’s present, a dad that loves them unconditionally, and childhood that will be memorable.

He just always envisioned having children somewhere down the line, maybe a dog or two, and his sweet girl.

“Gonna’ have so many babies with you.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm, gonna give them all to you.”

U = UPSET (how do they act after a fight? Would they be the first to apologize?)

He is like a lost dog, he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with himself. And he’s going to fall apart, because everything in his life feels like it’s coming to an end. So every fight silence would fall over the two of you, he’d assume you were thinking about leaving him. Little did he know you just wanted to pluck his forehead for annoying you. He doesn’t want to always be the first to apologize, but he gives into that pride and always apologizes. Mainly because he can’t go more than ten minutes without hearing your voice or touching you.

“Baby, you have to come out eventually.”

His fist clung to the bathroom door after you’d been locked in there for the past thirty minutes due to some idiotic argument.

“No, m’busy being mad at you.”

“Stop being mad and love me.”

V = ALUE (how important is the relationship to them? what is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

The relationship is his first priority. He cherishes it, as it has both healed him and helped him all at once. He values it above all, if he loses this then he officially will feel as though he’s lost any hope in his life. He treasures it, and wants it to linger and fester on like a cut that scars and the scar never goes away.

You were never going away.

It comes above beer, weed, and maybe even the rest of the Pogues in certain circumstances.

“Starting to save up so that we can have our own place.”

“J, we don’t have to do it now if we’re not ready-“

“No I want this, baby.”

W = HOLE (would they feel incomplete without you? what is their worst fear, what causes a hole in their heart?)

He going to crumble. Chasing a high that he knows he won’t ever feel again as long as he’s not with you. Trying everything just to feel something, he’d be fucking miserable. Losing you was losing himself because you were what he based the entirety of the rest of his life around. It definitely would cause a massive, unfillable, black-hole in his heart that would not be able to be healed by another. Your love kept him going, it was his fuel and he knew it was unhealthy. But when you live a life without love being reciprocated, it’s so deathly hard to not let go of it when you actually get it.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do without her John B?”

“I don’t know but you’ve gotta’ do something man, you’re stinkin’ up my house. Jesus! Go shower.”

X = XENOS (what is something about them that is strange? something that most wouldn't like)

He likes licking your face … like genuinely he likes licking you. He likes watching you squirm as he does it, feeling his tongue against your smooth skin. Most couldn’t tolerate his wet tongue salivating all over them, but you put up with his odd habit because it was JJ. Tasting of the warmest vanilla.

“JJ, do you really have to lick my face in broad daylight?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Y = ANK (what do they do that makes their partner mad? that makes one wanna yank they ass?)

JJ Maybank does not clean up after himself and it grinds your fucking gears. If he eats cereal and the milk is almost empty, he puts it back in the refrigerator instead of throwing it away. Beer cans will be stepped on, because after he drinks them he chucks it at whatever is in front of him. Old clothes are everywhere, hence the reason he can never find anything to wear. But at least he wasn’t a total slob, so you met in the middle.

“M’this close to choking you if I have to pick up your toothbrush again.”

“Do it then, baby.”

Z = ZZZ (what are their sleeping habits? do they snore? is the schedule fucked up?]

Cuddles of fucking course. His favorite type is the give you all of him by lying directly on top of you though he knows sometimes it crushes you, he’ll suffice for snuggling you into his chest and combing through your hair. And he is definite on staying that way all night, not being able to sleep properly if you weren’t present. He snores lightly but angelic almost, as he couldn’t image a better sleep than the one he has. He also twitches, he has to be in a deep enough sleep though. It depends on if the two of you decide to have a night out wether or not the sleep schedule is messy, but JJ typically looks forward to the shared night routine so there’s no complaints from him. Sometimes, he will even rush you.

Night time skin care before bed for instance.

“Where’s my face mask at baby?”

He’d tuck his hands into the front pockets of your pajama shorts, peppering fragile kisses to your collar bone.

“On the counter,” you pointed to the sheet mask. “Waiting for you to put it on.”

“But I want you to. You do it better, pretty girl.”

[tch8mnis]

OPPOSITES ATTRACT - JAMAL MUSIALA

summary: while she’s bold and outgoing and he’s quiet and reserved, they were bound to crack at some point right?

thank u so much for the request @amirareads i hope i did this justice!!

genre: angst (mostly just arguing), fluff, happy ending

“i just think you need to calm down a bit on the social media! why are you twisting my words?”

“i’m not twisting your words jamal but your trying to control my life and how i present myself because you only care about yourself!”

the argument had been ongoing for hours. days even, which is why the tension between the two is so high. ultimately, the two never fought until recently.

the problem was, they were just extremely different.

jamal never liked for his private life to be too much in the public. although it was difficult considering he’s one of the best young footballers in the world playing for one of the best clubs in europe, he did a pretty good job keeping his private life private.

y/n was the complete opposite.

the internet loved her despite having her own job outside of social media. during the euros, she was labeled “the princess of germany” or “the wag of the tournament”. everyone loved her.

after the amount of attention she gained, she started receiving brand deals. vogue wanted to interview her and she even became a fashion nova ambassador. her life totally changed after that and she would say it changed for the better.

jamal would disagree.

don’t get him wrong, he was over the moon with how happy y/n was. he loved the fact that people were starting to see her in the light he saw her in.

but then it got too much.

he couldn’t ignore the amount of thirst comments he’s seen in her comments from random men, especially other footballers. that pissed him off.

so was it jealousy? maybe. he wouldn’t deny it.

but then with the amount of deals she was getting, some of them required her to go to events. a lot of them.

jamal was a laid back type of guy. he didn’t mind going out with his girlfriend, of course not. but it got to the point where it was overwhelming for him. it felt like his private life was now becoming public the more attention y/n got and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

he didn’t want to blame his girlfriend because it really wasn’t her fault but it became stressful.

which is how they got here.

the pair were seated at the secluded part of the restaurant having dinner. it was their 2 year anniversary which was extremely special to the both of them.

they were enjoying their time together until jamal brought up the topic that’s been bothering him for the past week.

and then, the arguement started.

it wasn’t quite classy for them to argue in a restaurant but here they were.

“that’s not what it is, though.” jamal groaned dragging his hands down his face. he was starting to get a headache and trying his hardest not to cause a scene.

y/n furrowed her eyebrows before leaning in a bit. “well help me understand then because that’s what it sounds like.”

the boy sighed. he could feel the guilt brewing in his stomach for starting this whole conversation in the first place. he should’ve just kept quiet.

“it’s just….” he started, softly grabbing the girl’s hands across the table. “you’ve started to become more of a public figure or whatever and that’s not a bad thing at all but it feels like it affects my private life a bit which i’m not really comfortable with i guess.” he tried to explain, watching his girlfriend’s reaction carefully. he truly didn’t know how to explain it without sounding selfish.

y/n scoffed, pulling her hands away from jamal’s leaving his cold tense. “are you kidding me? i get that you want to keep your life private, trust me i do and you can keep doing that but you can’t blame me for that. it’s like your saying you want me to stop doing these brand deals and events that you claimed to be happy about.”

“that's not what im saying-"

that's exactly what you're saying!"

“no it’s not, fuck! i can’t do this right now” he snapped before pushing his chair out and gathering his stuff. y/n watched in confusion as he placed his card on the table and stood up from his seat. “im going back to the house, if we keep arguing im gonna say something i’ll regret and i can’t do that.” he murmured turning on his feet and walking away, leaving the girl sitting at her seat with tears in her eyes.

she hadn’t even knew what just happened. one minute they were smiling and reminiscing old times and the next her boyfriend was walking out leaving her alone in a restaurant with no way to get home.

y/n thanked her uber driver before opening the door just to see her and jamal’s house come into view. she can see his car parked in the driveway meaning he arrived home.

after he left her alone.

her heart was still aching from the argument. they’ve had a few arguments here and there in their relationship but never to the point where he walked away from her like that. she sped up her walking towards the door feeling her throat close up as the tears continued to spill. she pulled her house keys out her bag and opened the door quietly. the house was dead silent which made her second guess jamal’s presence but then his car keys sat on the kitchen counter told her he was there.

she slipped her heels off and left them at the door before walking up the stairs, pausing when she was at her bedroom door. the lights were off but you can still see the clear figure of someone lying in the bed.

that figure being jamal.

he was sound asleep, soft snores coming from his mouth. she quietly slipped into the room, pulled her pajamas from the closet and walked right back out towards the guest room.

there was no way she was sleeping with him tonight.

after changing she slipped into the very unfamiliar bed and closed her eyes trying to fall asleep. it was difficult. of course it was. she never slept without jamal right next to her unless he had an away game she couldn’t make it to. but other than that? this was totally new for her and she didn’t like it.

she finally fell asleep when the sun started to rise and only slept for about 3 hours before waking up again. her eyes still burned from the tears she cried the night before. she slowly got out of bed and went to the bathroom where she brushed her teeth and took a shower, then walking downstairs to cook breakfast.

it was obvious jamal was still asleep. training started later on in the day today so he was able to sleep in.

was she still upset? of course she was, but she was still going to cook for him. she would never not feed him despite what situation they were in.

she settled for some basic pancakes with eggs and bacon. it was jamal’s favorite.

a part of her didn’t want to give him anything at all after yesterday, but she couldn’t do that.

eventually jamal woke up and walked downstairs after getting himself together to see his girlfriend making 2 separate plates of food.

the sight of y/n made his heart clench. he regretted everything that went down yesterday. he had time to reflect on everything and realized he was being incredibly wrong and selfish and it only made it worse to walk out the way he did.

if he could go back and change what he did, he would.

he quietly walked over to where she placed his plate of food and sat down, watching her walk over and sit next to him. they both ate in silence but it wasn’t the awkward silence.

it was more of a calming silence. you wouldn’t be able to tell something went down last night.

but it did. and they had talk about it.

after they finished eating she gathered both their plates and walked to the sink getting ready to clean them and that’s when jamal began to speak.

“i know your mad about yesterday..” he spoke with a shaky voice. “and trust me you have every right to be. i had time last night to think about everything and realize how wrong i was and im really sorry about that. my intentions were to never blame you or anything like that i was just being selfish and only thinking about myself and i regret it so much bc your the thing i care the most about in this world and leaving you at the restaurant alone at night will haunt me for days because i really can’t believe i did that. you mean the absolute world to me and im really sorry.” by the time he was finished speaking, y/n was already done with the dishes and listening to him speak.

she stood there for a while before walking toward him. he followed her figure until she reached him and watched as she wrapped her arms around him. the second she did, his tense body relaxed and wrapped his hands around her waist to bring her closer.

“i’m so so sorry, please forgive me.” he begged into her neck as she softly scratched the back of his neck. she was upset but she could never stay mad at him. she loved him too much.

“it’s okay i promise.” she hugged him tighter, wanting to be closer to him. he then pulled away and leaned in to place his lips on hers, feeling the tension slowly drift away between the two as their lips moved together.

when they ran out of breath, they both pulled away and jamal leaned his forehead against hers.

“i love you”

“i love you too.”

author’s note: omg this was supposed to come out last week i’m so sorry for the delay but i hope you enjoyed regardless!

[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

🙃 for some even wilder reasons 🙃

hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

END TRANSCRIPT

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[tillywunderwing]

probably obvious detail in the new Inside Out movie that I loved

Spoilers for Inside Out 2 below!

So the entire story focuses on Riley’s belief system, and how the shifting hierarchy of her emotions affects that. Ultimately leading her to believe that she’s “not good enough”—which is framed as quite abrupt, but is actually set up for really well if you pay attention in the lead up.

In the start of the movie, we see Joy plonking a few memories down into the belief system, the strings spiral up, she plucks them and we hear an affirmation of some kind—“I am kind”, “I am a good friend”, etc. (Forgive me if these are misquoted, I only just saw the movie today lol.) Point being, they’re all obviously positive, but also, they’ll all firm beliefs. They’re almost presented as fact—it’s just, here’s a nice thing that’s true about Riley.

Fast forward to later in the movie when Anxiety puts in with a few of her own memories. There’s the obvious visual differences alluding to the instability of this new belief system (the jagged lines, the twitchiness, etc.) but other than that, it plays mostly the same as when Joy does it. There’s a new string, the string is plucked, and an ‘affirmation’ plays.

And they’re not openly negative! “If I work hard I’ll make the team.” “If I fit in, people will like me.” Riley does believe she can do those things.

But you’ll noticed that compared to Joy’s, all of Anxiety’s ‘affirmations’ are conditional.

It’s not an ‘I can make the team’. It’s an ‘I can make the team IF I do this’. ‘I will have friends IF I change myself’. It’s not something that Riley just believes is true, it’s something she thinks she has to change herself to make true.

And that’s why she ends up with that feeling of inadequacy—her entire belief system has been constructed on the basis that these good things are earned, not inherently given. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing, but because it’s all piled up on her at once, she gets overwhelmed and can’t cope with it. Which is a perfect representation of how anxiety can function in real life - that sense that you have to do or fix everything all at once, until you don’t even know where you can start.

It’s that feeling that you’re not allowed to be nice to yourself without ‘proving you deserve it’.

That was just something I really admired. It’s kind of only a small language choice in the dialogue, but it makes all the difference. It makes sense too - Anxiety doesn’t see Riley’s breakdown coming because on their own, all of those “if”s seem like perfectly manageable tasks. It’s when they all pile up that we see the worst of the effects.

[shmisky]

Since you are the only person that I trust to ask this question—What do you think are Ford and Stan core characteristics? What makes their characters be themselves in the canon sense, meaning without any headcanons or sort of additions that are not present in any of the canon material?

Woah, I’m so flattered by your trust!! 🩷

But that is a very difficult question, anon, and I’m not even sure I understood it correctly, since you were not more specific. Their characters can’t easily be labeled. If you want me to talk about something in particular (for example, Ford or Stan’s canon levels of certain traits) you’re welcome to send another ask!

That said, I’ll try to answer to the best of my ability in a more general way.

I think Stan and Ford have so, so many traits in common. Both of them love fiercely, get deeply attached to people, and value family above all else when push comes to shove. Both of them are prideful in their own way, and both of them can be petty and immature. Both of them are incredibly determined and stubborn. Both of them yearn to be loved. Both of them are extremely reckless and self-sacrificial. Both of them are traumatized and damaged. Both of them are self-loathing and/or insecure to some level. Both of them can be kind of jerks and very self-centered. Both of them have lots of toxic masculinity. Both of them are adventurers. And the list goes on...

What changes is how these traits manifest, how they act on them. Ford’s pride is more obvious than Stan’s, for example, while Stan’s toxic masculinity is more obvious than Ford’s. Ford’s determination is shown through his goal of killing Bill, Stan’s determination is shown through his goal of bringing Ford back. Old Ford is overall braver than old Stan (I’ll elaborate on that in a future meta) except when family is involved. Ford’s yearning to be loved is better hidden than Stan’s, who wears his heart on his sleeve.

Not that they don’t have unique traits to call their own. Ford has his insatiable curiosity, his fascination with weirdness, his thirst for knowledge. Stan has more people skills, more charm, more pragmatism.

If I could choose one trope to describe Stan, I would choose Jerk With A Heart of Gold. His priority is family, and he would do anything for them. That’s what he is, a family guy! And yet he’s always hiding (or at least attempting to hide) his more sensitive side with his abrasive personality, with his apparent greediness, his penny-pinching. Alex has mentioned in the DVD commentary that even Stan in his charismatic role as Mr. Mystery tries to get from the public the affection he never had from his family and lost from his brother. Ouch!

Ultimately, though, I think Stan introduced him perfectly in Not What He Seems, with a line that might as well summarize Ford’s character: “The Author of the Journals... my brother.” These are Ford’s two lmost important roles in the narrative.

Ford is definitely more difficult to pin down, because a lot of his personality is just subverting classic tropes. He’s a nerd, but not your typical nerd—strong, agile, and always down to fight. He seems like a classic wise mentor (to Dipper) at first—until you realize he’s not wise at all. He’s the responsible, rational sibling, meant to contrast against Stan’s chaotic, reckless personality—but wait, he’s just as bad as Stan!

Ford is also an amalgamation of tropes you don’t often see combined together! The ambitious mad scientist with the badass sci-fi adventurer with the tragic hubris-filled Greek hero! Something I find very refreshing about him!

First, the Author of the Journals. All about the weird, the bizarre, the anomalous. This is how Ford introduces himself in Journal 3, the first thing he considers worth mentioning: “Who am I? To put it simply, I am strange. I was born strange, I am attracted to the strange, and the strange has always been attracted to me.” The side of Ford that considers himself special, that fuels both his arrogance and insecurities, which in turn fuel his mistakes. The side of him that is curious and knowledgeable, that attracted Dipper so much.

This is how he ends up defining himself by the end of it, though: “If I’m totally honest, I must admit that he’s a hero and I’m... a hero’s brother.” A hero’s brother. Stan’s brother. The second, no less important, side of him.

Ford’s character was pretty much molded around Stan’s. People who’ve followed me for a while must be tired of me quoting this interview by now, but again, because it’s undeniably related to what we are talking of:

Ford was very much us building backwards. The same way you know a black hole is there by the light warped around it, it’s like, you know the damage someone’s family has done to them by all of their weird tics and behaviors. So who is the character who would result in Stan being this hurt and needy and mad and also longing?

Followed by another highly important trait of Ford’s:

He’s aloof, and distant, and he’s too perfect. And it’s like, “oh! I think he’s also aloof and distant from himself.”

I think he is, uh, deeply deeply hiding from his real feelings about things, because at some point early on, he decided that he could run from hurt by achievement and by creation, and has dug that hole so deep that he has no relationships.

I can’t stress enough how much I love the expression “distant from himself.” I couldn’t phrase it better. Ford is distant from himself! Yes! Exactly! His character is drenched in his tendency to repress his feelings, his cognitive dissonance and rationalizing. You can’t take the things he says at face value.

Stan lies to others, Ford lies to himself.

But of course he forgave Stan, of course his “Trust No One” era had an ending. After all, Gravity Falls is about family. That’s the theme of the show. That’s why Stan’s the hero. The narrative rewards loving and caring for your family members.

You also said “without any headcanons or sort of additions that are not present in the canon material,” and to me the way Stan and Ford’s characters are the most modified by fandom culture is through their jerkiness levels, so to speak, hahah. In my opinion, both of them are jerks. The difference is that 1) Stan is upfront about it and admits to being a jerk (word for word in Little Gift Shop of Horrors: “That’s right, I’m a jerk!”), even taking delight in it (as Alex mentioned in another episode commentary) while Ford, wanting to see himself as a great man, is painfully hypocritical about it (which makes Stan more sympathetic in the eyes of the audience), 2) Stan is treated as comic relief by the narrative, while Ford is taken more seriously (I will also elaborate on that in the future), and 3) Stan is a better brother than Ford is, not necessarily a better man, but in a show that is about the importance of family and rewards characters that value it, the two often get mixed.

If you take away any headcanons or additions, you’d also take away the romantic flavor of their relationship (if you’re a stancest shipper, that is; I just assume you are because my blog is mainly about stancest). I certainly don’t believe stancest is canon or implied to be canon! Not in a Doylist sense, anyway. However, you don’t take away the fierce love, obsession, and devotion they have for one another. They, quote unquote, “desperately need each other,” and that’s not even me who’s saying that, but Alex. I do believe they’re each other’s most important relationship, since they shaped each other, and are perfect foils at that.

[swallowerofdharma]

To me, Tsunakawa doesn’t really care about his daughter. I think the reason why he wants to find the group is because they embarrassed him, not because he wants to avenge his daughter.

Also, if you have to describe each character's personality from the manga, how would you describe them?

Tough question, Anon. I don’t like framing characters (or people) based on their personality’s traits, or even worse personality’s types (💀). I’d rather think first about their mentalities, rather than their personalities. And that because, I think, mentality influences much more the way people make decisions and ultimately act, together with the social context people live and act in and the relationships and dynamics with others, causes and consequences never quite only related to the individual sphere, if you understand what I am trying to say? In fiction, a character is revealed by actions when the writing is done well in my opinion. And since in Saezuru there is a lot of this “show, don’t tell”, and the story is carried out through decisions and actions rather than descriptions or introspection, I think that maybe how characters act is better determined by situations, mentality and memories of traumatic events, memories and wounds that cause fear and caution, the necessity of controlling emotions rather than act on them and so on. Jumping into a discussion about personalities doesn’t seem all that wise to me as a reader, especially because a lot of psychological analyses tend to isolate the individual from their environment and I am trying just to do the opposite in my analyses: it’s because Saezuru gives us specific sociological perspectives and environments that I am interested in its characters and their relationships and they are quite dynamic, rather than fixed. So previously in a series of analyses, I described the conflict between Yashiro and Doumeki as a clash between mentalities, habits and experiences rather than personalities. They are actually both introverted individuals, both driven by their fears, although I would not describe them as cowardly. Yes, it’s such a tough question to me, maybe someone else would have a list of adjectives for each character as they see them in their individuality. But the point in Saezuru is that love happens and pushes towards changing even how we perceive ourselves, isn’t it?

Am I going awfully out of topic? Let’s say that one of Yashiro’s major personality’s flaws is his unreliability: when he talks about things, especially when he talks about himself and his preferences and desires, we all know that he is unreliable, right? But his unreliability doesn’t translate into the way he acts when others are involved, because then he is quite dependable, since his affection and loyalty to Kageyama went far and beyond selflessness. Yashiro gave away a lot to save Kageyama’s clinic, deepening his debt to Misumi and a father-son type formal yakuza-like relationship he has to this day a very hard time freeing himself from. And his actions when things with Hirata escalated suggest that he was keeping in mind the fate of the group and his direct subordinates too, and that was the primary motive for getting a confession out of Hirata instead of simply self-sacrificing again, because this time he had other people who would have also paid the consequences, if Hirata was successful in directly blaming Yashiro and Ryuuzaki for everything, including the extermination of the Gouda group.

That being said: that personality doesn’t necessarily indicate the whole truth about a character, because we are multidimensional beings and we don’t have fixed behaviors in every circumstance that is presented to us, there are attitudes that are more deeply ingrained. I would say that Saezuru gives us a lot of negative traits in its characters, but no surprise there, since we are in the company of yakuza, police corruption and general moral bankruptcy on the social and private familial levels. These are all violent individuals, unless they are too lazy to be very violent like my buddy Kamiya. Yet some of them look for redeeming qualities in their loyalty to their group and their yakuza families, like Nanahara.

Misumi and Tsunakawa as group leaders have some similarities, they seem confident and it doesn’t seem to be a façade in their case. And they know how to be charming and they are fiercely protective, and controlling as well, of those who they truly consider family. So I don’t entirely agree with you about Tsunakawa not really caring for his daughter, he does, even if other emotions are guiding his decision to pursue and punish those who transgressed such a vital rule of the yakuza: you aren’t supposed to use your rivals’ women and children to get back at them, if you do, then you must be ready for violent retaliation. It seems to me still a crime towards men’s property, but it becomes more personal than, say, stealing their money or business revenues. It becomes also a matter of pride and responsibility to enforce the rules the yakuza takes part of its identity from.

Tsunakawa does love his daughter, yet that love exists in relation with his own ambition, so he doesn’t agree with his father’s wish that he stays clean: he went to university, I am willing to bet money on business school, for Amou too. Tsunakawa could have been involved only with the legitimate business fronts that these mayor yakuza groups have, conducting a life that would consider his daughter’s future perspectives outside the family “tradition”, since a woman cannot inherit titles or power in the yakuza. But Tsunakawa wanted to be hands on with their group and take his father’s place and not leaving control in Okuyama’s hands. In a way, we can say that Nikki’s best interest was secondary to him: this is the difference with Nikki’s grandfather. But as her grandfather, old man Tsunakawa didn’t have to sacrifice himself in first person, like Tsunakawa would have. And his wasn’t an impulsive decision, not more than transferring power to non blood-related members already.

People’s pride is another thing difficult to describe in absolute terms. I have seen people describe Doumeki as justifiably resentful, but then isn’t that another great obstacle for a relationship truly based on the premise of love? Sometimes I think that resentment is one of the biggest betrayal of love. You close yourself off into your own bitter emotions and let them linger: I don’t think that Doumeki is completely driven by something like that. But this is only my opinion. Yet maybe resentment comes within jealousy. And that is definitely something that is playing a role in how Doumeki made some of his decisions. Why (and specifically why, not how) Inami can have Yashiro and why not me?

I’m very sorry if my answer will be too unsatisfactory for you. Maybe if you really want an opinion about someone specifically, I could try to share how I would personally describe them, although again, I wouldn’t be considering someone’s personality all fixed, since nobody lives in a vacuum and in perfect isolation. The presence of others and other conditions people live in is such an important aspect of the way they are, in my opinion: interchangeable (when we think of characters and narrative roles) and interwoven, rather than isolated and separately connected. That is internet only.

[makingspiritualityreal]

https://www.tumblr.com/makingspiritualityreal/655268025460752384/hi-in-vedic-when-people-say-association-of-either

I was looking through your masterposts and I wanted to say that I really resonated with your experience of mercury in anuradha.

I have mercury in pushya myself and although ideas have always come very quickly to me, the process is always very laborious and time consuming. I find it impossible to halfass something and still end up with an even half decent result.

To be honest I’m struggling to maintain the discipline and patience that this demands in order to create content and express my ideas.

My sun and rahu are also in Saturn nakshatras, and my D1 Saturn itself is uncomfortably placed in ashelsha. Not to mention my debilitated D9 Saturn in punarvasu.

My D1 and D9 are both extremely nodal (mostly rahu but ketu is also very present) which seems to amplify this problem as I live mostly in my head, I’m primarily motivated by short term gratification and I struggle to connect with and feel emotionally fulfilled by my own work.

Of course I can only assume that our charts are very different and you may be managing your Saturnian energy far more efficiently than I am, but do you have any advice/experience on how to overcome this?

Having a weak Saturn sucks in general, having it weak when you have Saturn Nakshatras sucks even more.

Sadly I can’t relate on the Saturn issue because my Saturn is strong in Aquarius, decent in D9 in Cap and backed up by a vargottama Cap Venus. Discipline is my middle name, if I want something I’ll do it. I’m the kind of person that makes her bed and does her dishes every day without fail unless I’m extremely ill. The only time in my life when that wasn’t the case were bouts of extreme depression and I was trying to preserve some level even then. So my Saturn Nakshatras have excellent backing and I pretty much just do naturally what you struggle with.

However, I can somehow transfer the feeling you deal with to my Jupiter, which is in Libra, one of the hard placements for it. Spiritual practice and Astrology (which is actually more of a Venusian expression of Spirituality) are one thing, having that Jupiterian optimistic spark is another, and I honestly struggled to pull myself forward because of the trouble it brings me. I can chalk it up to having a very difficult life and an unfriendly environment that almost killed me, and yes, it was true, but people with strong Jupiters tend to get up and go and try even if everything seems to fail. It took me a while to even want to build that up. But it also gave me experience on how to deal with a weaker planet.

Here is where the physical element of Astrology shows up. Our chart is literally a description of our frequency. If our planet is weak, we radiate a weaker frequency in that department. If you want to change the frequency of something you don’t naturally generate, you need external input.

This is where remedies come in handy. Chant mantras (Saturn for you). Wear gemstones. Spend A LOT of time around people that have a strong frequency of a planet you struggle with.

My husband has Jupiter in Sagittarius strongly positioned by house, and despite his other flaws and struggles, he ultimately bounces back and gets up every day to do something he loves. Granted, I support him too so it works mutually, which is what marriage is about, it makes both partners feel more alive even if it’s subtle, but honestly I have learned to draw on his energy in this department. I came into our marriage from years of various kinds of abuse and while I survived it (strong Saturn) it has largely affected my ability to feel any hope for healing. Being around a person who has a drive to do something despite the negativity has acted as a remedy for my own struggling Jupiter energy.

People are like walking gemstones, eventually you will get magnetized by their influence and it will carry you along. You will expand into the energetic pattern. It will not change your struggling planet, nothing can, but it can create a pattern that you can use to boost it for the rest of your life.

[erinsreadings]

Hello, I want to join to your new game

What I want from love?

I want affection, understanding, companionship, loyalty, to be the other's safe place, harmony and peace, that from my FS and my family.

I love your pege because is very interactive, Even if you don't have much time, you do your best, I like your content.

Initials: CSS 📟

Thank you for your tiem 😀

🎼Hi there lovely! Thank you for participating in my game, your feedback is greatly appreciated. Sending much love on your journey and take care. Remember, this is just the present energy, and energy is always changing. You are the master of your fate. REMEMBER YOU MUST LEAVE FEEDBACK OR BE BLOCKED 💗

the message you need to welcome more love in for the new year

this new year is calling you to release the heaviness of the past and step into a space of renewal, self-discovery, and clarity. you’re being guided to let go of any lingering feelings of rejection, loss, or heartbreak that have weighed you down. the energy around you is shifting, inviting you to rebuild your confidence and sense of self-worth. love will flow into your life when you approach it from a place of abundance rather than fear or lack.

you’re being encouraged to focus on yourself first and foremost. the year ahead is about creating your own joy and fulfillment. learn to appreciate your independence and the life you’re building for yourself. this doesn’t mean closing yourself off to love, but rather realizing that love begins within. take the time to nurture your passions, explore your goals, and celebrate your achievements. the more grounded and fulfilled you feel on your own, the more you’ll attract connections that enhance your life rather than define it.

at the same time, you’re being called to examine your emotional readiness. there may be parts of you that are still holding onto fear—fear of opening up, of being vulnerable, or of starting fresh. this is a time to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship and to let go of the stories or patterns that no longer serve you. love can only thrive when it’s given space to grow authentically.

what path leads you to the best love for your life?

the best path forward is one of intentionality and self-trust. don’t rush into love or let others dictate the timeline of your journey. take the time to evaluate the people and situations that come into your life. ask yourself: do they align with my values? do they honor my boundaries? trust your intuition and don’t settle for less than what you truly deserve.

you’re being reminded to remain open to new opportunities, even if they feel unfamiliar or uncertain at first. love may not show up in the way you expect it to, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be meaningful. stay curious, explore new connections, and allow yourself to dream about what’s possible. however, be mindful of jumping into situations too quickly—patience and discernment are key.

ultimately, the best love for your life will come when you’re fully aligned with yourself. focus on building a life that feels rich and satisfying, filled with passion, purpose, and joy. this path will naturally lead you to a connection that mirrors the strength, authenticity, and depth you’ve cultivated within. the universe is guiding you to something real, but it starts with the love you give yourself first.

[iguessitsjustme]

Be My Favorite - Episode 9 Thoughts

Am I watching this on Friday this week? On the day it airs? On time? Who am I? 

-Every week, I’m grateful for the previously on because I’ve blocked it from my memory and need to be reminded. 

-I still like the opening song. This hasn’t changed. No one is surprised. I say this each week. Krist actually has a nice voice.

-Unrelated to the show, but I’m gonna kill the bar next to my apartment. What the fuck is this beat? Need to pause until they move on to the next song that doesn’t distract me from the show. 

-Glad Kawi is quitting drinking. He doesn’t seem to be able to do it in moderation so quitting and sobriety is probably the best option for him. But that poses an interesting question in how the time travel affects him. In the future, he was an alcoholic and couldn’t stop. But in the present, he can easily quit. How does that work?

-Pear, my precious angel child. I love you. 

-I hate Pear’s mother. It took 3 seconds of Pisaeng’s explanation. A child isn’t something that you can just abandon cause you didn’t feel like it anymore. That’s not how that fucking works. You tell her Pear!

-I actually disagree with Pisaeng here. It’s ultimately Kawi’s decision whether or not he performs with the band and Pisaeng can’t make that choice for him. And then making Kawi choose between him or the band is like making Kawi choose between his future and his love life. I know Pisaeng wasn’t serious about it but it still rubbed me the wrong way. 

-What the fuck is this peer pressure to drink? It’s 2023 and people should know better. 

-Poor Pisaeng. He’s gonna get alcohol poisoning. 

-Hold up. Why the FUCK am I not eating my cake right now while I watch this? What’s wrong with me?

-I hate Pear’s dad too. Neither parent cares about the well-being of their child. He forced his forgiveness into his child and didn’t let her properly heal. Pear, darling, I love you so much. 

-Drunk Pisaeng is adorable. 

-So Kawi has charged his phone for a ride but hasn’t called Pear back even though she called multiple times. I would have at least checked in. One call, I’d text. Two calls, I’d call. Is she okay?

-This is an interesting change. This time Pisaeng got drunk and kissed Kawi. Don’t think I didn’t notice that little flip flop there. 

-Oh wait. He was denied. Lol. 

-Oh lord not Not seeing it. The absolute worst person on the planet. He should go fuck himself. Why the fuck is he calling Pear to report on Pisaeng and Kawi. Does he think outing them is gonna get him anything? It better fucking not. The only thing he should be getting is a swift kick in the ass.

-“You might not be able to resist your desire” what is this? A MAME show?

-Is this communication? Honest to god communication? In a Jittirain show?

-These assholes should mind the business that pays them. How the fuck is this their business in any way. I will NEVER forgive anyone for outing people. Ever. Especially Not who is outing his “friends” so he can have a chance with Pear. That’s completely fucked up.

-Pear deserves better than this show. Kawi sacrificed her happy future for his. Although how happy could she have been if she was marrying and extremely closeted Pisaeng. 

-Kwan, girl, Not? I mean we been knew you loved him. But seriously? He sucks. If he ends up with Pear, I’ll riot.

-Not, I hope Pear bitchslaps you. That’s all I want from Not.

-Kawi, tell me, how is breaking up with Pisaeng going to make anything better? Seriously. No really and truly. The issue isn’t that you’re with him. It’s that you didn’t talk to Pear first. Just give her some time. The rest of the issues? Not. All Not. Launch him into the sun and y’all will be good to go. 

-Pisaeng, you’re so right. Hold hands and go through it together. 

-Pear is a good person and I love her.

-That’s right! Reject him! Make him cry! I hope he cries.

-I probably enjoyed this episode more than any of the others so far! Now I just need this show to get rid of Not and I’ll be happy. 

[archiving-my-thoughts]

Why Children Need Evil

When looking at old children’s stories like the Grimm fairytales, it is interesting to note that they don’t shy away from showing the horrors of evil. Sweet grandmothers get eaten by wolves and jealous stepmothers try to kill their stepdaughters. These stories were written with the intention to teach the young readers and listeners certain morals, and using these graphic descriptions of evil certainly helped getting that message across.

However, throughout the years, these stories have been cleaned up as to say. Think of the classis Disney films where evil was still present, but always defeated in the end. Yes, Ursula was a terrifying figure, but she is defeated and Ariel is allowed to keep her legs and stay with her true love. A stark contrast with the original version by Hans Christian Andersen where the little mermaid sacrifices herself because she is unwilling to kill her prince. Furthermore, the Disney version doesn’t include the fact that the little mermaid feels excruciating pain with every step she takes on land.

The changes to these classic tales are not necessarily wrong. It is understandable why a company like Disney wants to exclude the horrific passages in some of these classic tales. Their prime audience is very young and therefore the films have to be marketable to young families. Happy endings will do the job, horrifying depictions of evil not so much. Furthermore, these films don’t have the intention to teach the viewer something. It is great if you as a viewer learn something from the film but ultimately they are made for entertainment purposes. That is fine because we need fun, uplifiting media in this world.

However, the danger of excluding these depictions of evil is that children will grow up in a world where every childrens book or film tells them good will always win and evil is defeated every single time. A lovely sentiment, but it is simply not true. We live in a more nuanced world, where good people might do bad things and the bad people might do good things.

Children need to learn how to deal with existential problems and fear, like feeling alone or abandoned. Ignoring these realistic feelings does not help, but seeing a fictional character go through the same emotions does. Films and books help children explore in a safe environment how to hold your own in a world that can be terrifying. They see how someone else deals with their problems and can adapt those teachings in their own life. Facing the more horrifying depictions of evilness is scary, but doing it within a film world where it does not immediately affect you gives a sense of protection. As a viewer you might still feel scared, angry or sad, but it

It must be said, however, that nowadays a lot of childrens content does actually show a more realistic worldview. Where it used to be that good always wins, we now see a more nuanced world where the heroes might do evil deeds, and the bad guys do good. An unpredictable film world like that challenges us as an audience because we have to engage with the material. We actively think about the character’s decisions and how this affects them.

In conclusion, young audiences do not need to be talked down to in media. Yes, it is good to remain critical of what exactly they are seeing on screen and how this affects them, but ultimately children need to see a more realistic film world to help them hold their own in the real world. Does that mean all childrens content should be realistic and filled with graphic images of evil? No. But we do need to keep showing them a more nuanced worldview within media to give them a chance to explore those feelings.

Film tip:

Ma vie de Courgette – Claude Barras (2016)

[thehealthcareinsights-blog]

CHALLENGES OF WORKING FROM HOME WHEN YOU HAVE ADHD

In today’s fast-paced world, many professionals are openly embracing the concept of working from home, and this trend has escalated due to the Covid-19 pandemic that forced many companies and employees to adapt to resourceful work setups.

Sometimes, a remote work setup can be a good thing for people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). For one thing, there are no noisy cubicle co-employees or coworkers who love to tap your shoulder to distract you from work.

But to get your work done at home, you need to have good focus, organization, and time management skills. Unfortunately, all these may be in short supply when you have ADHD.

A structured workplace, plus motivation from your boss and coworkers, can help you make up for all these shortfalls in the office. At home, you are on your own. This means you need to learn how to self-direct and self-motivate.

In this article, we are going to explore specific challenges faced by individuals with ADHD when working from home and a few tips individuals can follow when they are Working from Home with ADHD.

Understanding Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Imagine you are trying to write complex code and solve the problem in front of you. You are focused on solving the problem, but suddenly you are thinking about things such as “Did I close the door when I left home?” “Will I succeed in life?” “Am I going to change the world? And “ Will India ever win an ICC Championship ever again?”, and the list of questions goes on. The thoughts and questions you keep asking can be random, and ultimately you end up wasting your valuable time.

You keep asking these random questions to yourself, and the main task you had to do is still pending. This is what it means to have ADHD.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by difficulties in sustaining attention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity. It affects both children and adults, and its symptoms can significantly impact daily functioning, including work performance. Individuals with ADHD may struggle with maintaining focus, organizing tasks, managing time efficiently, and avoiding distractions.

Challenges of Working From Home with ADHD

1. Unable to Avoid Distractions

The home environment is filled with distractions such as household chores, family members constantly talking, pets, or even you, who are unable to stop scrolling down the social media lane. Or thinking you would be watching only one episode of Ted Talks, and three hours later you are still watching and scrolling.

Yes, I do agree that distractions do help us to deal with a difficult reality, but you have to be too cautious about distractions if you have ADHD especially when you are working from home. Otherwise, your priorities don’t get done and you dive into the spiral of shame, worries, and fear of the unknown.

Keep reminding yourself of the importance of the task in front of you.

2. You are always Unmotivated when you have ADHD

Do you always find yourself, staring at your computer screen or notebook while asking yourself questions such as “Do I want to do this task?”. If you do, don’t worry, anyone who is going through ADHD usually has self-doubts and is mostly demotivated by his/ her actions in the past or present.

Let me tell you one thing, your motivation is not the problem, and being unmotivated is merely a symptom. You are unmotivated because you don’t have enough stimulation.

You have to learn how to manipulate stimulation as it’s the key ADHD success skill, especially for remote working employees.

People with ADHD often depend on external stimulation to stay focused and start a task, and let’s face it, working alone at home is far less stimulating and motivating than working from the office. Ironically, the background noises and the energy of your co-working employees help you stay focused.

So, how can you get yourself motivated to work when you are sitting alone at home? You take advantage of one of the biggest strengths of ADHD, getting started with work.

For most of us, we all keep going with the task when we get started. There is no turning back, and when we get serious with our tasks, we are hyper-focused on completing the work.

Lack of structure and routine when working from home

Working from home often requires more structure and routine than a traditional office provides. This can be particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD, as they thrive on predictability and routine to maintain focus and productivity. Without direct supervision and the accountability of coworkers, people with ADHD may struggle with self-motivation and effective time management. Procrastination and difficulty prioritizing tasks can become major obstacles to productivity.

Unable to create an ADHD-friendly workplace.

This is one of the biggest ADHD Working From Home challenges.

ADHD adults often struggle to work remotely from their bed, sofa, or dining room table. Not having the right workspace can be depressing and can completely stop productivity. You may have created a workspace, but have you considered whether or not it’s the right workspace for you? And will it assist you in being productive? At home, try to move around the house as often as possible. If you are getting bored working at the desk , try to work near the dining table or vice versa.

Working from home with ADHD can lead to isolation and less social interaction.

Working from home can lead to social isolation, which may negatively impact individuals with ADHD who mostly thrive on interactions and external stimulation. Motivation from peers and timelines helps individuals with ADHD to be focused, and if that’s removed when you are working from home, it can lead you to be unmotivated and not focused on work. The lack of face-to-face interactions and collaboration can affect the overall work satisfaction and well-being of people with ADHD.

Closing thoughts To summarize, working from home offers flexibility and convenience, but it can be particularly challenging for individuals with ADHD. By knowing and understanding the unique struggles and challenges of working from home with ADHD, individuals with ADHD can develop strategies that can help them work. With the right strategies and support, individuals with ADHD can successfully navigate the world of remote work and achieve professional success.

Visit More : https://thehealthcareinsights.com/challenges-of-working-from-home-when-you-have-adhd/

[bagua123]

10 Habits I've Cut Out of My Life for a Happier and Healthier Me

In life, it's important to take stock of our habits and behaviors to see if they're helping or hindering our growth and wellbeing. Over the years, I've realized that certain things were holding me back or negatively affecting my health and happiness. So, I made some changes and stopped doing 10 things that were no longer serving me. Here's what I stopped doing and how it has made a huge difference in my life:

I stopped eating maida-based products to keep myself healthy. Maida is a refined flour that is commonly used in baked goods and processed foods. However, it has been linked to various health problems like obesity, diabetes, and heart disease. By cutting out maida-based products, I've noticed an improvement in my digestion, energy levels, and overall health.

I stopped using an alarm to wake up in the morning. Waking up to a blaring alarm can be jarring and stressful. Instead, I started waking up naturally when my body feels rested. This has made my mornings more peaceful and allowed me to start my day on a calm note.

I stopped focusing on people who leave and started to focus on the ones who stayed through thick and thin. In the past, I used to get caught up in trying to please everyone and would feel hurt when someone left my life. However, I've realized that the people who truly care about me will always be there, and those are the ones I should focus on nurturing relationships with.

I stopped being in touch with people who always left me hanging at the edge. Relationships should be a two-way street, and if someone isn't putting in effort to stay connected, it's not worth my time and energy.

I stopped expecting people to text me first because no one cares about you. It's easy to get caught up in our own lives and forget to reach out to others. Instead of waiting for others to make the first move, I've taken it upon myself to initiate conversations and stay connected with loved ones.

I stopped using my phone while eating and before going to sleep. Technology can be a distraction, and using it during mealtimes or before bed can disrupt our sleep patterns and digestion. By putting my phone away during these times, I'm able to be more present and mindful.

I stopped overthinking about every freaking thing and now I do meditation. Overthinking can lead to anxiety and stress, and it's important to find ways to quiet the mind. Through meditation, I've been able to cultivate a sense of calm and clarity, which has made me more productive and focused in my daily life.

I stopped trying to please everybody because who cares what others think about me? It's impossible to please everyone, and trying to do so can be exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. Instead, I focus on being true to myself and my values, which has allowed me to build more authentic relationships and live a more fulfilling life.

I stopped trying too hard to be friends with everybody and now I am happy with the only ones I have. Quality over quantity. It's better to have a few close friends who truly understand and support you than a large group of acquaintances who don't really know you. By focusing on quality over quantity, I've been able to deepen my connections and feel more fulfilled in my relationships.

I stopped using Instagram too much and now I read novels and write on Quora. Social media can be addictive and can distract us from more meaningful activities like reading and writing. By limiting my use of Instagram, I've been able to make more time for activities that bring me joy and allow me to learn and grow.

Overall, these changes may seem small, but they have had a significant impact on my life. By letting go of negative habits and mindsets, I have been able to focus on what truly matters and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

[athletickat]

Top Reads 2020 Fanfiction

I started reading Harry Potter fanfiction this year (thanks to Tik Tok) and these stories I’ve read keep me up at night because I cannot stop thinking about them. 

#1- Manacled by @senlinyu

This is story is a MASTERPIECE. I cannot express how many times I’ve read and thought about this story. The way Hermione loves Draco and Draco loves Hermione is unbeatable. Hermione is a literal boss bitch in this story and my favorite Hermione in everything I’ve read. The build up, the tension, the CHEMISTRY; it is the best thing I have ever read. I could write a whole damn brook report on this story and be proud of it. This story is just... ugh *ultimate chefs kiss*.

#2- Rights and Wrongs series by @lovesbitca8 

The Right Thing To Do, All the Wrong Things, and The Auction are my absolute favorite pieces of writing ever. Draco Malfoy in this series is my horny king, and the best Draco in everything I’ve read. The Auction has a special place in my heart because of hard Hermione works to stay alive and keep the Malfoys alive, as well. All the characters in each story are so well written, especially the Malfoys, and I cannot express how in love I am with each little plot detail and connection between the stories.   

#3- Remain Nameless by @heyjude19-writing

I recently read this story and I cannot get enough of it. This is first fic I’ve read with a wedding scene (two scenes!!) and I cannot put it in words of how perfect it is. This story is all about the love Draco and Hermione have for each other, and it has set such unrealistic expectations for me...ugh. Every chapter had me smiling like an idiot and I could not put it down. 

#4- Cruel and Beautiful World by Lena Phoria 

I am so happy that Lena Phoria turned this fanfiction into a book, but nothing beats the original characters in this story. The way I fell in love with all the characters (except Voldemort, gross) is immaculate. This story deals with a lot of trauma and heavy topics, but the plot and the characters are just too good. Draco is a sweetheart and absolutely whipped for Hermione, but they need each other. I have never laughed so hard while reading a dark AU fic, and this story made my abs hurt. Definitely one to read.

#5- All You Want by @senlinyu

Holy shit. This story has the best smut I have ever read. The way senlinyu describes what's happening to Alpha Draco and Omega Hermione during sex makes me laugh out loud. It is so so good and so so sexy. It is such a fun story to read, and that’s why I love it so much. 

#6- Breath mints / Battle Scars by @onyx-and-elm

This story is the definition of toxicity, but honestly, it’s still so good. Both Hermione and Draco are changed after the war, and they fall in love by rage, sex, and protection of one another. Hermione does not give a single damn about what people may say about her, and Draco just wants her to be happy (although it does take a while for him to see what that really means). Plot and characters are amazing, and the ending is *chefs kiss*.

#7- Isolation by Bex-chan 

The first Dramione fanfiction I’ve ever read, and it has a very special place in my heart. I didn’t think I would like reading Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger fanfiction, but this story changed my mind and led to my spiral of reading such amazing stories. Such an amazing read, and I love seeing Draco grow into a man that Hermione deserves and loves. This story is iconic.

#8- Hunted by Bex-chan

Another superb story by Bex-chan. A Romance/Mystery story after the war and Draco and Hermione fall in love... hard. They are great together and the plot is amazing. This story is another iconic one for me.

#9- Love and Other Misfortunes by @senlinyu

Another great piece of work from the Queen herself, senlinyu. Draco is so stubborn it hurts, but it’s okay because Hermione is there to save the day (duh). Love these two and the romance between them in this story. Also, Veela Draco with wings and fangs is too much for me. Not that it’s important or anything, but the smut level is through the roof. Love it.

#10- Bring Him to His Knees by @willhavetheirtrinkets

Auror Draco and Auror Harry are an iconic duo. I love how intricate Draco is in this story, and how his past still very much affects his present, but Hermione helps him a lot, and it shows just how much they care for each other. Hermione and Draco dance around each other until they realize *wait* they have feelings for each other! It is not complete yet, but I do check every week or so for updates because it has a good murder mystery plot and a fabulous Dramione. 

#11- The Risk-Reward Ratio by MissiAmphetamine

War fic, and honestly one of my favorite ones. Draco sucks up his pride and goes to the Order for help, and Hermione is the only one who truly excepts him. Draco is a stubborn bastard in this story, but he makes up for it. The scenes are so real, and neither character is perfect, but you’ll see how far they are willing to go for each other. 

#12- The Just World Fallacy by MissiAmphetamine

Sequel to The Risk-Reward Ratio, and this one is tough. Still so good, but deals with torture, PTSD, rape, and more heavy topics. The love that still stands between Draco and Hermione even after all that they have been through together is beautiful. I love this story, and I love seeing how each character grows into their own person while during a war.

#13- Broken by @inadaze22

I have never cried so much while reading a story. This story made ME feel broken because Hermione is quite literally shattered, but so is Draco. It’s a story that makes you feel so many things at once and it is beautiful. Super slow-burn, but in the end, Hermione and Draco are meant to be together. 

#14- This World or Any Other series by @olivieblake

Clean and Marked are incredible stories with a rollercoaster twist. I love each character in this series, and the love that Hermione has for Draco, and vice versa, is the most powerful thing in this universe. The relationship starts with a potion assignment and just extends through there. I love their characters so much alongside the secondary characters and it makes the story so interesting. 6th year Hogwarts and continues with the war, but Draco and Hermione are always there for each other no matter what. 

#15- The Eagles Nest by HeartOfApsen

Ravenclaw Draco and Hermione, 8th year, and Alchemy. This story is so complex, and I couldn’t stop reading it. I love both Draco and Hermione and how they work to settle a problem together. Also seeing all the secret rooms in Hogwarts was another compelling aspect of the story that I loved. They know they need each other, and them being nerds and all, school is what brings them together in the end.

#16- Almost Perfect, Almost Yours by BelleOfSummer

I could not put down this story. No matter how much it angered me, and no matter how much I wanted to throw my laptop at the wall, I couldn’t stop reading. The plot is so interesting where Hermione is raised by a Pureblood family, but she was adopted from muggles, so she is Muggleborn. All the while her and Draco fall in love through their teen years and go through a war together. Hermione is a bad bitch and Draco is whipped (maybe not in a good way). They experience so much together, and in the end, you learn to love them for who they are.

#17- The Green Girl by @colubrina

Hermione is sorted into Slytherin and makes all new friends that do not include Harry Potter or Ronald Weasley. I freaking love this story because Hermione is a literal Queen, and the story itself is so well written. I don’t usually read T-rated works, but I could not put this one down because it has such an interesting plot.

#18- Erised Effect by @adaprix

Smut, smut, and more smut with such a cute plot. I love little Hermione as a bad bitch and big dick Draco as a little softy. I was hooked from the first chapter and it was so crazy. The sex scenes in this are just... *fans self*. This story is a rollercoaster of smut, but Draco and Hermione are my all time favs in this.

#19- Every Day, a Little Death by @lovesbitca8

Draco tries everything to satisfy Hermione, and when I say everything, I mean everything. Such a cute story with such a cute relationship. Hermione doesn’t mean to fall in love, but alas, Draco is a sex God and it was inevitable. I love this story!

#20- Crimson with a Silver Lining by Lady Cailan

A dark AU where Draco is mesmerized by Hermione and her will to stay alive. Their love is so strong, but alas, Draco is a stubborn bastard. This story is an emotional rollercoaster and another story where I could not put it down. Also *spoiler* some family drama going on throughout the story. 

#21- Bond by MrBenzedrine89

*fans self* again because this story is incredible. Love the smut, love the club, love the love between Draco and Hermione. Super interesting details in this story with Draco, Hermione, and the infamous Bond club. Loved reading this story.

I fell down a rabbit whole of Dramione stories this year, and it made me ignore everything I had to in my life just to read them. I can’t wait to see more stories this year and procrastinate my life by reading these stories!

[therealvinelle]

Thoughts on Esme?

I have them.

To start with, I see Esme quite differently from the way this fandom appears to see her, yet also quite differently from the way Meyer intended for me to see her.

I think we all on this website have noticed that fandom has morphed Esme into a very different character than the one we met in the books.

Now, some people take this further than others, and it’s gotten to a point where I can’t tell if fandom believes this new and shinier Esme is canon, or if they know she isn’t canon but don’t care. Either way, the common denominator to all variations of fanon Esme is that this fandom is sick of the way Stephenie Meyer writes women, and see Esme as the worst affected by all. And fanon Esme is a vindication, one where Esme is an assertive, intelligent, feminist woman with a fantastic sex life and an impressive career. The ideal American woman of the 21st century.

And to each their own - if this makes people happy, then by all means. This meta is my personal opinion on her, though, and since fanon Esme has gained such a strong foothold in fandom I would be amiss not to bring her up.

Another thing I’d be amiss not to bring up is movie Esme. The Esme portrayed in the movies is, like so many of the characters, a different person than the one in the books. She is charming, warm, appears to have no difficulty controlling herself, and off the top of my head I can think of one time where she’s given what was originally Carlisle’s moment. I’m talking about sparing Bree - in the books this is something only Carlisle would do, something that has the others going, “jeez, Carlisle, only you”. In the film, this is a decision he and Esme make as a couple. This changes both their characters.

So, these versions of Esme exist, and they’re good characters, but they’re not the Esme I see in the books.

What we meet in canon is a woman who contents herself with being a 50’s housewife. No one in the house eats, she still knows how to cook. Making beautiful homes and keeping them beautiful is not just her passion, it appears to be all she wants to do. Now, humans can be housewives, and that’s a choice I respect very much, but Esme is a vampire, living in a vampire coven. The Cullens have zero need for a housewives. And she doesn’t do other things, either. There is only the creation of homes and being a mother. 

And so Esme floats through eternity, embodying the Mother archetype, going through all the motions mothers do with no deeper meaning to any of it.

She gives me the creeps.

I don’t know if anyone here has read Coraline, but in that book we meet the Other Mother. Other Mother always has time for Coraline, she makes all the delicious food Coraline could ever want, and loves her very much. The cat tells us that this may be, Other Mother may love Coraline, but it could also just be she wants to eat her. And since Bella does end up sowing buttons into her eyes, I can’t shake the association.

I think the Esme Platt who ran away to fend for herself and her child, who got a job and struggled to be independent, died with her child. This was her last tie to hope, to this world, and with his death she gave up on life in a way nothing could meaningfully recall.

She then wakes up as a vampire, beautiful (I’m guessing here, but one of the most common things men like to insult women is by demeaning our appearance. An abusive husband, living with Esme in a time where a woman’s appearance decided her worth even more than it does today, would definitely use this against her. Not to mention, it is a cornerstone in female socialization that we’re taught to value our looks. Becoming inhumanly beautiful would boost anybody’s spirits and install confidence, and I doubt Esme was an exception), stronger and faster than any human man, invulnerable, powerful in a way she never dreamed she could be. 

The man she idolized since she was a child, who was supposed to be an unattainable dream, is there, and even more wonderful than she remembered. He’s the one who saved her, and within the year he becomes her husband. 

(This by itself is too fantastical, too storybook ending, and I imagine snapped whatever remaining strings Esme still had tethering her to sanity. Any newborn vampire would find themselves in a surreal new state of being, but this is a step further. There’s getting to have it all, and then there’s... well, then there’s this.)

Then there is Edward. Days after she lost her son, she’s presented with a young man who lost his mother. 

(And this might be a post of its own, but: we never see Esme be a mother to any of the other Cullens, and I don’t think she is. It’s just Edward. And she loves him all the more for it. She wouldn’t blink at Bella dying if Edward decided his thirst weighed heavier than his fascination with the human. This is canon - they have a conversation about this, and Esme make her stance clear. She puts Edward above absolutely everything else in this world.)

What I’m getting at here, is that Esme was handed perfection on a silver platter. All the things she’d lost, all the things she’d lacked, things that had been taken from her in the cruelest manner possible, were now given to her, in perfect condition at that. Esme will never have to worry about things like money, sickness, aging, or even Edward growing up and leaving the nest. (And even when he does get married and have a baby, he still doesn’t leave the nest!)

Esme was given the ultimate do-over with vampirism, and she spends it being what she never got to be in life. (And I’ll link this post, because Bella’s in the same situation, if less extreme, and they’re both in for a rude awakening. And I don’t think Esme will cope at all.)

To Esme, vampirism is startlingly similar to the afterlife. It’s her tailored paradise, eternal and perfect. There’s the fact that every so often she slips up and eats people, but that only adds to the eeriness of it all.

Esme Cullen is more a ghost story than a vampire to me, haunting whichever house the Cullens inhabit under the guise of being a homebody.

(As for the her supposed sex life with Carlisle - Meyer said they have a spiritual relationship. That’s hilarious, and code for they’re not having sex.)

[staticscreenwriting]

HOME // Bucky Barnes

Request: Could you do a Bucky Barnes imagine where he blips but the reader is pregnant so when he comes back he meets their daughter? If not that’s totally understandable and I hope you have an amazing day/night 💕

A/N: Look, I love writing angsty Bucky. But I also love writing happy Bucky. Hope y’all love reading this ♥  Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated.

Join my taglist here! [additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

Thanos being defeated was not the end of it all. It seemed like it. The grand heroic solution to all problems. The ultimate test before things got better. Before they got easier.

That was a lie.

Bucky looks across the vast area of the Stark’s estate as people, all dressed in black, mourn the loss of a dear friend, an idol, a husband, a father.

That word sends a wave of anxiety and fear through him. He knows he can’t run forever and really, he doesn’t want to. He just doesn’t know how to deal with — everything. How to be the man he needs to be. How to step up and not fuck this up.

Sometimes fear makes you do stupid things, really stupid things. Like avoiding the love of your life because you are too afraid of what she might think of you.

His eyes find (Y/N) as she leans against a tree, lips pulled into a sad smile as Sam rambles about one thing or another next to her. This isn’t right. Sam shouldn’t be the one cheering her up and trying to get her to smile. It should be him. If only he wasn’t such a coward.

People don’t talk about these things though. They only talk about those that had been gone now being back again. They talk about the joy of being reunited but not the fears, the sadness, the disappointment — and they sure as hell don’t talk about the guilt.

The guilt of coming back after 5 years to find out you missed so many important moments in the life of a child you never knew you had.

His eyes wander down towards the little girl holding on tightly to her mother’s hand. She has his eyes, his dark hair, his lips. She’s a spitting image of his younger sister. A Barnes through and trough.

Every time he looks at her his heart beats out of his chest in a way he’s never felt before. When they say that the love for your own child is an instant emotion, they are not wrong or exaggerating.

The moment he came back from oblivion and first laid eyes on her, it felt like his heart had known her all his life. He wanted to hold her and shelter her from all the bad things the world might throw her way. Wanted to kiss her little nose and read her stories and sing her silly little songs. He hated singing but for her, he wanted to do it. Just because that’s what dads do.

But fear is one hell of an emotion and above all, it’s terribly convincing.

He’d never had a particularly good example of a father. It was different times then. Different ways of raising your child. Fathers weren’t meant to show affection, they were meant to enforce rules and order. How could he ever be good at this? He doesn’t have a single clue how to do any of this.

And then there’s the fact that he’s left (Y/N) alone to deal with all of this. Every first has been forever taken from him. First breath, first cry, first word, first steps. Every little thing.

Would she resent him for it? For not being there when it mattered?

So he ran. He came back and he ran.

She doesn’t deserve this and neither does (Y/N). They deserve so much better.

“ It’s time Buck. “ Steve speaks up as he leans against the porch railing next to his oldest friend.

“ Are you still sure about this? “ Bucky asks, not taking his eyes off of his girls. His stomach feels like he’s swallowed a bag of bricks. Life was supposed to be easier after Thanos. This isn’t easy. This is just scary. And sad.

“ That, “ Steve says and nods his head towards (Y/N) and the girl “ that’s your second chance. I gotta take mine. “

Bucky turns to look at his friend trying to figure out what to say next but coming up empty. What do you say to that? Steve deserves to be happy. He deserves to be where his heart always has been. Does it mean Bucky thinks it’s the right choice? Not necessarily. But he understands. Had it been him and (Y/N) he would’ve crossed time and space to be with her.

Which is ironic to think because now all he does is avoid her. Because that’s the coward he is.

“ Alright let’s go. I’ll grab Bruce you do — whatever you gotta do. “

He dares to send one last look towards (Y/N) and this time she’s looking back with a soft eye and a timid little smile on her lips. None of which he is deserving of.

Steve let's go of Sam, parting with one last friendly slap on the back before turning towards Bucky.

Bucky's throat feels dry and rough and while his head is swirling with words he wants to say, none of them really make it past his lips. He's known about Steve's idea for a few days now, has had time to let it settle and come to terms with it. It still breaks his heart but sometimes that's what you do for the people you love. You support them on their path to happiness even if it hurts you in the process.

"I'll miss you," Bucky finally manages to say and he wraps his arm around his friend's shoulder. "You'll always be my brother."

"I know. I'll miss you too. But I know you're in good hands." Steve responds and lets his gaze wander towards the house, no doubt talking about (Y/N) and the kid.

"Promise me something, Buck." He says as he pulls away.

"Anything."

"Talk to (Y/N) and get to know your daughter. She's a Barnes through and through. And she loves you so much, they both do. Let them. Love 'em back."

"Kid doesn't even know me," Bucky murmurs, nervously glancing at the floor.

"What? You really think that? Buck, all we did for the last 5 years was try to keep your memory alive. For us but especially for her. We showed her pictures and videos and (Y/N) told her so many stories. She knows you and she loves you and for the first time in her life, she's living in a world where her dad is alive and present. Go, be with them. You guys need each other."

He's right. Of course, he's right. Steve has this fantastic ability to be right when it matters.

“And don’t do anything stupid until I get back!” Steve adds, making a small smile appear on Bucky’s face.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you. “

They embrace each other one last time before Bucky whispers another “I’ll miss you” and Steve tells him that “It’ll be okay, Buck”.

And then everything happens so fast. One moment he’s living in a world where his best friend is by his side and a minute later all of that has forever changed.

Bucky wipes his eyes with the back of his hand one last time before looking at himself in the mirror. He knew this moment was coming, Steve told him. He had time to come to terms with it and yet it’s a completely different situation now that it’s done. Parting with the only family you’ve ever known breaks your heart in ways you’ve never known are possible.

As he steps out of the bathroom something solid crashes against him and as he looks down, a pair of identical blue eyes stare back at him. He’s not been this close to her since he found out about her, keeping her at a distance. To protect her.

His arm was made to kill how could it ever hold a child and keep it safe?

She stares at him for a moment before a small “Hi” falls from her lips. It’s shy and timid and adorable and all Bucky wants to do is cuddle her to his chest and never let her go.

He doesn’t get the chance though as another little girl rushes past them and calls out to his daughter to follow her which she does.

“Who is that?” Bucky hears Morgan question.

“That’s my daddy, but I don’t think he wants to see me. Mommy says he needs time but —“

He doesn’t hear the rest of her words as the girls round the corner and get swallowed by the sounds of the other guests still mulling around sharing stories about their fallen hero.

But it’s enough. He doesn’t need to hear more. Those words are enough to rip his heart out of his rib cage, crush it up into a million little pieces, and spread it in the winds, never to be able to be put together ever again.

“Hey have you seen — oh Bucky are you okay?”

He doesn’t deserve her tenderness, her kindness, and her care, and yet she still exudes the same love she’s always held for him. Love he was never deserving of from the beginning.

It doesn’t matter at that moment though, who deserves what and who doesn’t. He’s too caught up in the breaking of his own heart. So he falls into her arms as silent tears slowly but surely make their way down his cheeks.

“She thinks I don’t want to see her.”

“Who does?” (Y/N) says as she gently combs her fingers through his long hair.

“My own daughter. “

(Y/N) pulls away slightly, holding onto his shoulders and looking deep into his eyes.

“Are you ready to talk about this now? Ready to stop avoiding me ?”

Bucky only nods and lets her lead him outside past the guests and down to the lake where it’s quiet and serene and life seems to slow down a little. She keeps holding on to his hand, his vibranium one, as they settle on a bench facing each other.

“ I missed you, Bucky.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He’s been told those words so many times and it’s still hard to believe in them. Even when he knows they’re true. There will always be a hint of doubt since him. Always.

“I don’t — I don’t want her to think I don’t love her. Or want to be with her. I do love her very much. More than I have ever loved another person, including you, and you are my everything. I’m just overwhelmed and — and scared.” He admits. It’s the first time he says those words to anyone but himself. It feels good. It feels right. But it doesn’t take the fear away or the guilt.

“James, she knows you love her. Not a day went by that I didn’t tell her how much her daddy loves her and wants to be with us. And it’s okay to be scared. I was scared and I only had to deal with a baby, not an opinionated 4-year-old. It’s okay to be scared but you can’t let the fear hold you back. You’re the bravest man I know. You laugh in the face of danger. What changed?”

“Stakes are higher this time. What’s losing my life compared to ruining my daughter’s?”

“You’re not gonna ruin anyone’s life, Buck.” (Y/N) exclaims and softly pets the side of his face. She’s always been so gentle with him. Such a contrast to the touches he was used to.

“I don’t know the first thing about being a dad. Mine wasn’t a very good example. I have been trained to kill, to cause pain. My arm is a weapon.”

“Your arm has shielded me from bullets and harm so many times. It’s held me close at night and wipes my tears when I was sad. Your arm is only a weapon if you use it like that. And all the other stuff, that’s not you anymore. You know this. “

He can see the treads now welling in her eyes too and it makes his heart twist and constrict in many painful ways.

“And I left you alone during all of it. Missed the last 4 years of her life and the entire pregnancy. How am I gonna make up for that, for leaving you alone?”

It feels like once he’s started talking he can’t stop. All his fears and worries flow from his lips like tidal waves in an ocean. Crashing against the shore of truth.

“You didn’t leave us Bucky. You were taken from us. We never blamed you for that. I know you wanted to be there. I never doubted that for a second. Look, I had 9 months to come to terms with my fears, you didn’t have any time to face them. I get why you are freaking out but uh — it’s time to step up. You know what makes a good dad? Being there when he can be. Showing he cares. Can you do that?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I can.” Bucky promises and smiles a smile of content. One of hope. His fears and his guilt aren’t gone. But maybe if she believes in him and Steve does, maybe he can be the man and the father he needs to be.

“Good. We really do love you, Buck.”

“As in present tense?”

“Of course. We never stopped. Now can I ask one more thing of you?”

“What’s that?” In the end, it wouldn’t really matter. Whatever she asks he’ll do it. For her, he’ll do anything.

“Can you kiss me? I’ve been waiting for 5 years to finally kiss you again. I can’t hold out much longer. “

He grants her not one kiss, not two. In fact, he loses count as they get lost in many many loving kisses. Maybe, Bucky thinks, soulmates really are a thing. Maybe there are people on this earth meant to find each other. Meant to go through hardships together and still find their way back to one another in the end.

Whatever one chooses to believe in. Bucky is certain she is his person in this life and the next and through whatever might come their way.

He’s sitting on the big red couch in (Y/N)’s apartment, nervously fumbling with the tassels on one of the throw pillows as his eyes wander around the room. There are so many pictures, hung on the walls and placed on side tables and shelves. His child’s entire life up to now, caught on film for him to relive if only in his mind.

There are pictures of him too. One of him and Steve in the 40s, laughing and leaning against each other in support. (Y/N) always said it was one of her favorites. “You’re so happy in it. That’s how happy I want you to be all the time.” She’s told him once.

Next to a picture of (Y/N) and their daughter is a picture of him. He’s sure it’s placed there deliberately. To remind everyone he is a part of this family, even when he wasn’t there.

He is here now though. The next picture put up will be one of all three of them.

The front door opens and a melody of voices echoes through the place. (Y/N)’s laughter and the sweet giggle of his little girl. It’s his favorite sound in the world, he decided then and there. Nothing will ever compare.

The girl rushes into the room then comes to an abrupt stop in front of him.

“Hi,” she says in the same small voice as she did at the Stark’s house. Only this time Bucky doesn’t just stand and stare at her, unable to move or speak.

This time he holds out his arms and speaks up.

“Hi, I — I'm sorry it has taken me so long. I don’t know what I was thinking. I love you, Darling. Can I hug you?”

She doesn’t say yes or no, doesn’t glance at his vibranium arm with hesitance of fear. She falls right into him, wrapping her little arms around his neck and cuddling into his chest. It feels like this is where she belongs, like this is where she was always meant to be. Like his arms were made to hold her and never let go. And maybe, Bucky thinks, maybe they were.

“I love you too, daddy.”

He liked being a sergeant. It’s a title that has always filled him with pride. It has nothing on the title of being a dad. That one means so much more. Fills him with a pride and love he’s never previously known.

For the next few moments, he gets lost in the feeling of holding his child. A perfect little girl who is part of him. The good. Only the good. It all comes together in her. No nightmares or guilt or fears. Only love. So much love. He holds her close to his heart, wishing he could’ve done this when she was just a baby. Feel her heart beat in rhythm with his. He places little kisses up and down her small face. On her chubby little cheeks and her cute bottom nose, making her scrunch it up and let out soft giggles.

It’s strange to be the man he is and act so gently with another human being. But it feels so right.

His eyes find (Y/N)’s across the room, filled with tears though this time they are happy ones. With an outreached hand he beckons her over and pulls her onto the couch and into the hug.

This is right. Nothing has ever felt this real. This happy. This perfect.

His girls cuddle into him with nothing but love filling their hearts. This is the life he wants, the one he has always wanted. The life he fought for. The life he will never stop fighting for.

Steve was wrong. They aren’t his second chance.

They’re his only chance.

His destiny.

His family.

His home.

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