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fictionfromgames · 4 years ago

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High Tide (Star Wars Saga Edition)

A group of humans made their way conspicuously through the club, and Nima could tell they were GUF without even looking. The feeling in their wake soured. When she did spin to face them, maintaining her routine, she spotted exactly what she expected in the dullness of their gray plasteel armor and red gleaming highlights. But it wasn't the full battle kit. A night off, perhaps.

Humans and near humans always picked twi'lek dancers. It was a cringeworthy truth, but one they could always capitalize on. The lead human nodded her way after his compatriots had already picked out their dancers, and she sauntered over.

Vook could be spotted stalking up through the crowd as the troopers had seated themselves in a dark corner. Not everyone knew that talz were actually pretty sweet, but at 2 meters tall, most people assume you're a tough guy. It's why he got to carry a blaster inside-- less likely to get pissed off and kill someone than your average bouncer. Nima liked him. If she'd had plans to stay, she might have made a real friend. But something about this meeting felt ominous.

The others got their drinks and groped her co-workers. No complaints raised. It would have made her frown if she weren't also playing the part.

"Haven't seen you on the holos," the human said, slouching back into the booth.

"I haven't danced in a while," she replied, dancing at about half speed to the music playing. She and everyone else kept telling Forn that the playlist was exhausting, but he'd insisted on keeping the same relative beats per minute.

"Busy in school?" he leered.

"Already graduated," she feigned a smile, "But advanced degrees in political science seems a little more dangerous nowadays."

He laughed. It was an abrasive guffaw.

"You got that right," he was still recovering from his heaving snorts.

They were silent for a few moments, and she shimmied her way a little closer, turning his glassy staring a little more thoughtful. He frowned, ever so small.

"What's your name?"

"Oola," Nima replied.

"You know anything about witches, Oola?" his apparent exhaustion was starting to clear away.

"Only the ones in office," she flashed her teeth in a sneer.

At least it made him laugh, as horrid as that was. She was starting to get tense.

"You're funny," he pointed a lazy finger, "I just have this feeling..."

She was about to summon her pistol from its hidden spot in the ceiling, but he shook his head.

"I've been working too much," he closed his eyes, "Been trying to figure out who this witch is. She apparently threw a shuttle at one of our transports and..."

"And?" she asked SO interestedly.

"They don't have a holo on her," he started staring harder, "Said she was a pink twi'lek."

The others in their booths were yelling for drinks. The smell of various processed forms of spice wafted through the air. The human's face pulled tight as he reached for a hidden blaster, but that was as far as he got when she threw another booth at him.

The Force, or the White Current, as her teachers had tried and failed to instill in her, flowed freely, creating an outsized telekinetic ruckus that inspired shouts at first, and blaster fire second. The other Galactic Front fools had smuggled in hold-out blasters-- it did not match her own after a concealed heavy blaster pistol flew from the ceiling into her hands. It wasn't even comparable to Vook's, and he didn't use the Force. She'd had to run up the wall to avoid the first barrage, but used the detritus from her first attack to fling at the underlings. The dancers had fled just far enough to not get hit, luckily, but Nima felt a wave of nausea at how close she came to killing innocent bystanders.

A few bolts still flew her way and even connected, the searing pain causing a reflexive attempt to cloak herself with the Force and run away. The witch hunters weren't dead, only dazed, and it meant it was Vook alone until another bouncer or Forn did anything. She couldn't leave yet.

Suddenly, the first human stood up. It should have been impossible, given how hard she'd hit him with heavier things, but there he was, looking around as though he expected Nima to still be standing there. By now, people had mostly cleared out, but the other bounces hadn't moved in. She reached out, sensing confusion from them, and the shrill flavor of mounting terror in Vook as he stood alone. She couldn't hide when it was just him and imperialists.

Drawing further on the Force, she centered her aim and a single bolt rang out. Vook swung around, and she felt his terror before she saw it on his face.

"Vook, it's me, I think they're done," she held her weapon up.

"How did you do all this?" he clutched his bowcaster.

"They weren't wrong about who I am or what I can do," she tried to be soothing, "And I think I need to get going."

"We... We gotta wait for Forn, or the authorities, or something," he remembered he had a weapon in his hands.

"Vook, look around!" she flung her hands out, "You're the only one who stood their ground. You need friends and allies. So do I."

The stood across from each other for what seemed forever.

"Run with me, Vook."

Cracking open a wall, they made a third exit out of the club, face to face with a confused human.

"So uh," he pointed behind them, "You all are closed, eh?"

************************

Nima Freykaa

Nima loved to dance from a young age, and studied every style she could. It wasn’t until her studies at Bar’leth that gained a much wider perspective on scum and villainy, both bureaucratic and illicit.

Her initial despair at the realities of the galaxy were met with a conspicuously timed offer from Jarton Morslun, a Force-wielding academic with extensive knowledge of the Fallanassi tradition. Using its spiritual concepts and verbiage, he taught Nima a syncretic version that incorporate active telekinetic abilities, likening them to the crashing waves and so on.

She began, at Jarton’s urgings, taking on bodyguard roles for holo talk show hosts and minor politicians whose rhetoric frequently criticized the Commonwealth and previous Republic formations. She thought nothing of it for a couple of years-- she made bank on these jobs due to her Force-based powers of anonymity. The few times there was trouble, assailants had miscounted the men, either due to assuming she was a tertiary figure, or because that one assassin droid literally couldn’t see her. It was a lush life.

And then, instead of merely advocating for stronger federalism, some of the retinues she’d joined had openly imperialist sympathies, with adversarial views on things like women, non-humans, and Force-users.

Dropping all contact with her mentor, she fled across the galaxy, taking various jobs necessitating more discretion when newer Morslun students would try to find her. At a certain point it became all about mobility and secrecy instead of profit.

And then it became about vengeance. The nascent GUF had began franchising out from the Core Worlds, and being undetectable by Force-blind idiots made throwing shuttles at their vehicles an increasingly accessible delight. By the time of her flight with Vook, she has a sizable bounty out on her, and is seeking political allies to shelter with.

Witch Hunting

The GUF has a relentless propaganda bureau, and one of the things they’re managing to do is place an outsized fear of Force-users in the general populace. Sure, they’ll work with “the good ones” in order to hunt down the ones they’ve othered, but if the GUF ever takes real power, it would only be a matter of time until they too are purged.

Nima Twi'lek Noble 7/Crime Lord 5

Str 12 Dex 16 Con 13 Int 14 Wis 16 Cha 18

Talents 1 White Current Adept 2 Connections 4 Force Immersion 6 Gifted Entertainer (dancing) 8 Surrender to the Current 9 Telekinetic Power 10 Telekinetic Savant (Move Object) 11 Move Massive Object 12 Attract Minion

Feats Linguist 1 Force Sensitive 3B Skill Focus (Persuasion) 3 Force Training (4 powers) 5B Skill Focus (Use the Force) 6 Point Blank Shot 7B Skill Focus (Deception) 9 Precise Shot 12 Force Training (4)

Skills Trained 7->8 Deception Persuasion Stealth (from Talents) Use the Force Gather Information Perception Knowledge (Bureaucracy) Knowledge (Galactic Lore) Use Computer

Force Powers 8 Surge Cloak Battle Strike Inertia Move Object x3 Repulse

Equipment Heavy blaster pistol Comm-link

#Star Wars Saga Edition #fluff

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adambstingus · 6 years ago

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7 WTF Sex Scenes That Will Destroy Your Sanity

Sex scenes, while occasionally controversial, are a fairly regular part of cinema, from Eyes Wide Shut to Boogie Nights to Casablanca before they had to cut out all the orgy scenes. But in addition to their ability to titillate, certain movies (especially horror) like to get real creative with how far they can stretch the definition of erotica. And while some sexual experimentation can make for a great anniversary, too much of it might just put you off having sex for the rest of your life.

We’d warn you of all the nudity in this article, but it’s honestly the least inappropriate content you’re going to find compared to …

Denise Richards Does A Striptease For A Dinosaur’s Disembodied Brain

Post-Jurassic Park Hollywood tried to jam dinosaurs into just about every movie, from The Flintstones to that movie where Whoopi Goldberg was legally forced to solve crimes with a dino buddy. Then there’s Tammy And The T-Rex, an instant classic where Denise Richards plays a girl whose dead boyfriend (played by Paul Walker) has his brain transplanted into a robotic dinosaur. Why not a real dinosaur? Because that would be ridiculous.

You’d think the screenwriters would have their hands full with the whole cyborg tyrannosaurus plot, but they somehow managed to also find time to add in a whole bunch of weird sexual tension throughout the movie– like a schoolyard fight that results in a surprising amount of dick-grabbing.

Scenes like the penis pinch seem out of place in Tammy And The T-Rex, which is quite the achievement if you think about it, but that’s not the movie’s fault — it’s the fault of uptight censors. You see, the movie was originally intended for mature audiences, with its violent scenes eventually cut out for the American release, such as this moment where the lovable T-Rex rips a guy’s head off.

But the weird sex stuff was totally fine for preteens, so that was left in. The very final moment of the film features a particularly baffling attempt at sexiness. After removing her boyfriend’s brain from the T-Rex, it now lives a hellish existence in a petri dish in Denise Richards’ room, wired to a camcorder that cruelly has the lens cap on while she’s out.

So what does she do to satiate Paul Walker’s existential agony? In a moment that was trimmed down for the PG version, she does an elaborate striptease. It’s pretty much the closest we’ll ever get to seeing what Krang’s bachelor party would look like.

And because the brain that lives on her nightstand obviously doesn’t have a penis, it reacts to arousal by ejaculating sparks all over her teddy bear, which is a fire hazard.

The movie ends with Richards jumping on the bed for the really naughty stuff to happen. Of course, we don’t get to see any of that because the movie fades to black.

The brain in the jar also can’t see any of that, because the bed is out of its field of vision. Brains don’t have arms, Denise, you need to move the camera for him! Or, y’know, unplug him and let him pass blessedly on into eternity. Whichever.

Ninja Women Dispatch Enemies With Their Magic Genitals

It’s a common movie trope that the femme fatale assassin uses her sexuality to eliminate her target. But Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3: Sacred Book of Sexual Position (not a porno) boldly asks the question, “What if female assassins literally used their genitals to kill people?”

The sequel to a movie in which the Catholic Church hides treasure maps in vaginas, Female Ninjas Magic Chronicles 3 finds a gang of (not surprisingly) female ninjas seeking an ancient book of sexual positions. Along the way, they have to best a series of warriors with their feminine ninjitsu skills … which mainly involves them getting molested and then erupting vengeance from various orifices. For example, one ninja quickly transitions from sex to squirting a guy in the face with acid breast milk, like some misguided erotic version of the dilophosaurus attack in Jurassic Park.

Cinefile Videos

Cinefile Videos “No use dying over spilt milk.”

In another hectic battle, one ninja busts out the aptly named “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”– a slow-moving mass of vaginal soap suds …

Cinefile Videos

… And this lethal bubble bath literally kills a dude, who we can only assume went to the afterlife red with embarrassment.

That’s not even the dumbest vagina-related magic power in the movie. That honor is reserved for the powerful mystic who turns her enemies’ … uh, goo, into a weapon with her vagina silly-string (from Hell).

The Hilarious Werewolf Threesome In The Howling II

Werewolves combine the worst parts of puberty: the rampant hormonal rampages and the unfortunate body hair. So, despite the Twilight saga’s most mediocre efforts, you can’t make a werewolf sexy. Case in point, The Howling II.

A sequel to the werewolf classic, with a subtitle that sounds like a line from Dracula’s Friars Club roast, Howling II: … Your Sister Is A Werewolf opens with Christopher Lee. In space. Talking about werewolf boning. Don’t worry, the British accent totally sells it.

After all that build-up about “beasts” and “fornications,” we finally see the Werewolf Queen’s castle, a temple of sin filled with … old people, for some reason. Apparently, the werewolf community is totally cool with senior citizens getting bussed to their Zorro-themed orgies.

Three of the werewolves splinter off to a candelabra-filled bedchamber to have a threeway. Well, we say “threeway,” but it’s mostly just a whole lot of watching and not a lot of movement. For all of Christopher Lee’s ranting about the abject sin of lycanthropy, these two hairy asses are fumbling about like it’s werewolf prom night at their werewolf Catholic school.

Eventually, the Werewolf Queen joins in, but seemingly goes to great effort not to physically touch the other werewolves, probably because the filmmakers didn’t want her $200 manicure getting tangled up in all that recycled pubic hair.

If there was a porn parody of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Cats directed by someone who had never had sex before, this is probably what it would look like:

A Nurse Bangs An Anatomically Correct Medical Dummy In Front Of A Child

Pin is a Canadian horror movie about a young man who kills people because a medical dummy told him to.

In a flashback, the killer’s backstory shows that his doctor father used the anatomically correct dummy to teach his kids. He even did the voice of the dummy, just to maximize the chance of future psychic traumas.

Eventually, his son starts to think the dummy is real. It doesn’t help his delusion when the kid catches a nurse using the dummy as a marital aid.

What starts as some gentle petting quickly turns into a speedy run-through of years of sexual education for the peeping tom …

… Then she crushes that dummy’s ass in what the Kama Sutra calls the “Loveless Marriage Lotus.” The kid’s reaction shot says it all.

With this brief but potent girl-on-medical-equipment action, we now know exactly (through shared trauma) why this child becomes a deranged killer. That’s one psychosis out of the way, but what about the nurse’s? The movie never explains what the hell is going on with her. Do the filmmakers think that this how health care providers spend their coffee breaks? Why don’t we follow her around for ninety minutes and see where that angel of death vibe may lead? Probably to a mannequin store.

Jason Voorhees Kills A Potential Threesome In The Wackiest Way Possible

We all know Jason X wasn’t exactly the strongest of the Friday The 13th movies; it has a cast of terrible actors, a spaceship set that looks like a sci-fi-themed Motel 6, and a musical score that was likely played on a toddler’s bumblebee-shaped keytar. But it did do the one thing all Friday The 13th movies are supposed to: make teens everywhere regret wanting to have sex.

The movie finds a group of futuristic students on a field trip in space when the frozen body of Jason Voorhees comes to life and starts murdering people — another good reminder of why permission slips always need to be signed. At one point, the intrepid group of survivors trap Jason in what’s basically a holodeck simulation of a country resort, in a desperate attempt to slow him down with wistful nostalgia.

Worried that Jason won’t simply drop his machete in favor of drinking mai tais in a deck chair, they add in some horny teenagers …

… Who immediately get naked and try to seduce a confused Jason …

Jason, even though it wasn’t on the menu, picks the murder option. He lets the naked child-supervisors get into sleeping bags and then beats one sleeping bag against the other sleeping bag …

… And to neatly wrap things up, kills the other counselor with one whack of a sleeping bag to a tree.

Which is both a call-back to Friday The 13th Part VII, and a handy way to save money on gore effects. But let’s go back to the holodeck for a sec. Which future pervert thought it was a great idea to program a university research vessel with the simulation of a summer camp sex fantasy that hasn’t been relevant since the late 80s? Even more disturbing, these topless gals are specifically simulations of Camp Crystal Lake counselors, a place only known in this universe as the site of a famous massacre. What we’re saying is that that sleeping bag whack-a-mole we just saw Jason do is probably the least gruesome act ever performed on that holodeck.

Troll 2: The Goblin Queen Bangs A Dude With A Corncob (And Ejaculates Popcorn)

Aside from the fact that it was technically the first Harry Potter movie, Troll 2 is most well known for being possibly the worst movie of all time. Troll 2‘s human protagonists were maybe even less believable than the puppets, so it’s not surprising that the movie’s brief dalliance with eroticism would be about as sexy as sticking your junk into a thresher just because it said it loved you.

The scene in question starts with All-American boy Brent sitting in front of the TV, channel hopping, when suddenly he lands on a woman seductively caressing some corn on the cob — which is some kind of black magic, or the Green Giant commercials used to be a whole lot more fun.

The mysterious temptress then tells Brent to go outside because she’s waiting near his trailer and holy shit, all those beer commercials were right after all!

What Brent doesn’t know is that she’s actually the Goblin Queen, presumably hanging out in trailer parks because she’s fed up with her husband’s baby-stealing and their unnecessarily muppet-filled house. But we can forgive him for being … distracted.

They go back inside the trailer to do it, hard. But she has one condition: the corn gets to play too.

Because this is all part of her evil trick, Brent’s orgasm causes an explosion of popcorn as if he’s part of Orville Redenbacher’s wet dreams …

… Which then almost kills him as he drowns in his own salty, butter-soaked sex corn.

Troll 2 obviously performed very badly at the box office, but this scene makes us wonder if that was merely due to the movie being terrible, or the fact that it showed audiences the most popular concession-stand food covered in sex mucus?

That’s the difference between a regular bad movie and Troll 2. A regular bad movie will ruin 90 minutes of your life; Troll 2 will ruin your moviegoing experience forever.

Faust Has The Most Disgusting Sex Scene Of All Time

Faust: Love Of The Damned tells the story of an artist named John Jaspers (thus dodging the litigious wrath of famed artist Jasper Johns) who sells his soul to the devil in order to become a demon superhero and avenge his girlfriend’s death. Think Spawn, but if his mom made his costume for him.

One memorably horrifying scene finds the devil (who in the movie looks like a 90-year-old woman doing her best John Malkovich impersonation) about to get it on with his girlfriend — because in the age of internet dating, there’s always the odd chance that you accidentally wind up going out with the Prince of Darkness …

… But it turns out the woman has crossed him, so as a punishment he uses his evil magic to make her boobs and butt turn gigantic, and then melt. Again, he’s the devil, so we can’t be 100 percent sure this isn’t just some weird demonic foreplay.

Eventually, the seductress is reduced to nothing but a shuddering, liquid, four-leaf clover of female sexuality. It’s a pretty fucked-up, gross scene. If David Cronenberg ever directed an episode of Red Shoe Diaries, this is probably the nightmare factory he’d produce.

You (yes, you) can follow JM on Twitter, or check out his podcast Rewatchability.

For more all time awkward moments in fictional fornication, check out 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Scenes and The 6 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Video Game History.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 5 Sex Scenes Made By People Who’ve Never Had Sex, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/7-wtf-sex-scenes-that-will-destroy-your-sanity/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/176327569462

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allofbeercom · 6 years ago