#uh oh ligaments posting before bed it can only make me worse

[daisychainsandbowties]

i need my girl by the national

this song is giving me huge massive siken vibes. i am getting from this the something wrong with me that i get reading crush.

and like. hmm. i have to say this is a camilith song.

"remember when you lost your shit and/ drove the car into the garden/ and you got out and said i'm sorry/ to the vines and no one saw it" <- this is very Cam looking at Lilith.

there is always i think a bit of astonishment in Cam at this creaturely girl, who steps out of the clear blue for her really. like, i don't really think of them as mutual pining before s1. i think Lilith is too much of a radioactive isotope for that, for anything. i think she falls in love with Cam while she's running around Europe, and the only person speaking to her is Cam, who is just shouting into the void of her silence. but she keeps shouting.

anyway this is why they're so very

'it's rotten work'

'not to me. not if it's you'

i know paraphrasing anne carson on main is a little old school but fr this is them. Lilith thinking, "i keep feeling smaller and smaller" bc i for one never forget that Lilith's wings are not permanent. she can summon them at will, and they wrap up under her skin & then leave her diminished, worldly but not enough, with the bones in her human back stretching and bending up like the prongs of a fork when you put it over the heat of the stove and then manipulate it.

"i can't get my head around it"

this really captures the terror i think, for her, of changing in unpredictable ways. & i don't think she ever forgets how Cam sees that wound in her abdomen and makes the sign of the cross, & Lilith always wondering what that prayer was for. terrified to ask.

was it for me or against me?

& i just think that Lilith, actually, when she is wrapped up in herself and being authentic and not performing anything for anyone - i think she would apologise to the stupid inanimate things she crushes by accident. yk i think once she is untethered from all the heated obligations that have twisted her out of shape she's something really beautiful, and Cam can just see it better and faster and more than everyone else.

"i know i was a lot of things/ but i am good."