#ughhg. why. what the fuck

[peapod20001]

Dudee I literally can’t think I’ve just had no more shame no more fear no more dread on repeat since I woke up and not even all the lyrics fit my feeling so idk what the deal with that is

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

Actually the chicory thing could be a thingy with James?? The flowers are obviously not a specific breed but it's a neat parallel!! Also I was intending for James to stay with Ollie lmao, maybe he could be a distraction of sorts? Either if Ollie has to Fuck Off post haste or to distract the person the flower is stalking. Also. I didn't actually realise point was the flower fukase was holding bxfsgtrfvcz rip them ig -🌟

oli can go thru hell and back but as long as he still has james w/ him it will be okay 😌

yes distraction bird 😩✌️ slay. honestly i get distracted by birds all the time so i FEEL that

and kjhHSDKJGN YEAH ITS NOT SUPER NOTICEABLE BUT YE... rip pillsbury dough boy lookin creachure 😔🙏 if anything maybe flowerized!fuka just lets point walk around and, given the flower attached and covering their face, if anyone picks this little creachure up you're gonna get sprayed with spores or smthn, rip

[loslotharios]

...that certainly was something huh?

One thing this show is going to always do is make me ugly cry til my head hurts lmao.

Anyways as per usual my "thoughts" ⬇️

Man I really wish I'd started doing these posts earlier bc it's fun to just dump my dumb thoughts on u all lmao. Like can u imagine me talking about earlier seasons or about rayanne??? CHAOS.

Alright starting off strong with Dembe. Hello. I love u.

"I blame him too sometimes." DEMBE! This single line made my mind go crazy with kid Dembe headcannons. Sooooo imma get back on those.

PINKY 💀💀💀

The helium scene is the best thing to ever happen on this show. They are children. All 3 of them. I NEED more Red/Aram/Dembe interactions.

Cooper calling Red "Raymond". BITCH WHY DONT YOU JUST PROPOSE ALREADY.

RAYMOND WANTS HER TO MERC HIS ASS??? NOOOOOOO STOP

Personally, if I was Elizabeth I would just knock the old man Red over, snatch up the letter and haul ass. What's he gonna do? Run after me? Even injured I have no doubt she could outrun him... no offense Raymond.

Agnes rocking the denim on denim. Queen shit. Iconic. Incredible.

How far behind in school do you think Agnes is at this point?

Not to be a whore, but Red and Dembe 😩 I would. Both of them. No shame.

Elizabeth looked sketchy as fuck in the hospital. Girl at least take off the hat.

Aram loves Reddington and it's so freaking cute. Lmao.

I always thought it was hella weird of Elizabeth to ask that little girl to touch her scar. Nobody wants to touch your funky scar dude. Sorry but I had to say it.

Not Elizabeth unloading her drama on this 15 year old girl. She's just like 😬 my train is here sorry.

I'm not gonna lie, there was A LOT of talking this episode. I may or may not have zoned out just a little.

This show at times gives me "indie movie" vibes. The scene cutting between Red and the statue is one of those times.

Raymond really made his bestie help him plan/help execute his death. Toxic.

Agnes said: #blessed🙏

Ressler sneaking out the hospital was funny asf sorry. Hes out running in the streets. Sir sit down please.

RED AND DEMBE HUGGING IM CRYINGGGG I COULD FEEL THE EMOTION.

Cooper briskly walking to go try to save his boyfriend's life. Love it.

ELIZABETH NOOOOO RIP MY HOMEGIRL IM CRYING. WHY DOES THIS SHOW ALWAYS MAKE ME SOB?!?!?! WHYYYY.THE FUCKING MONTAGE. THE MUSIC. RAYMOND NOT WANTING TO LET GO. OH MY GOD MY HEART. DEMBE'S "IM SORRY" AS HE PULLS HIM AWAY!! THE SQUAD NOOOO RESSLER!!

Fuck. Where does the show go from here? Cant wait for s9 tbh.

Some after thoughts:

Im fully convinced Red had a sniper or something there to kill him from a far, if Liz couldn't do it. Guess we'll never know :(

For a second, i thought they were gonna kill raymond tbh. Him draining that wine glass would have been a good send off lmao.

Kind of hate that Liz never found out the truth from him. But oh well. Imma miss her. OH MY GOD AGNES! AGNES UGHHG IM IN PAIN.

Okay. I'm gonna retreat into my happy tbl au in my head and try to sleep cause its 6am. Maybe I'll post some of my fun headcannons later bc everything is so sad right now. Also this ended up way longer than I thought lmao oops.

Bye bye for now <3

[chickennuggsposts]

UGHHG

Shitty ass people think im jelous of their life.

You wanna know who the fuck are the people I envy?!

Those lil fuckers who have clean-cut specific dreams.

Like, as in ONLY ONE.

As in they only wAnT THAT ONE motherflippin thing from the time they are old enough to THINK to the time they DIE.

Those fuckers that appear in animated movies who only want to be ONE thing in their WHOLE life.

A dancer, a singer, a fuckin stripper- I DON’T FUCKIN CARE WHAT, but its ONE thing!

MEANWHILE I’M over here cryin at night trying to choose ONE thing I like most, bc I can’t chase two dreams at once or I’ll catch none!

Why am I cryin?! Because I don’t wanna end up like most of the adults around me whose lives went downhill because they chose to let the wrong flame wear them down, including my parents.

[drennalynspast]

[ austin and bewilderedness ]

Friday, May. 02, 2008

[ austin and some good news ]

so around friday early evening we left to go to austin.  jacob and shagun were the ones who were driving.  ricky (jacob's cute queer roomate) also came along too. on the highway, there was a stupid semi that stopped in the middle of the road. the car in front of us was stopping and we had to quickly change lanes so we wouldn't slam our brakes.  >.>  we almost ran into the car next to us too..if the other car hadn't changed lanes.  ricky had a gps thing on his phone.  it helped us a lot in navigating.

we arrived in austin around 12 am lol.  we drove to find this street where there was a lot of stuff of eateries and shopping strip (that was close to the UT campus). then, we searched for a hotel to stay for the night.  of course we wanted a relatively cheap hotel.  around  $50-65.  we figured, 'let's go to a super 8 motel'.  we drove in the parking lot and there were cop cars all around with the lights flashing.  and we saw some sketchy black person outside  lolol.  we didn't get a good vibe.  "uhmm...let's go somewhere else. " "i agree"

we went somewhere called the 'rodeway inn".  we looked at the parking lot and there appeared to be nice cars around.  one of the guys walking in the rooms seemed well kept.  so we decided to try it there for one night to see how it goes.  the room was okay.  later on, we turned on the light and we saw this  EFFING HUUUGE cockroach that crawled up the wall.  it was soo disgusting. it was the largest cockroach i have ever seen. and you can see its antennas. ricky and i were freaking out.  

jacob and shagun were like..oh wow uhh.  we had to go to walgreens and get some supplies.  i forgot my toothbrush, retainers, and phone charger >.>  so i got a toothbrush.  we got a can of raid too to spray our room with also.  we found another dead cockroach near the toilet seat and one under the bed.  O_o..... we pretty much established that we are sleeping with the lights on.  (cockroaches supposedly dont' come out in light).  damn, i wanted to get duct tape and tape my mouth shut.  just in case one were to crawl on me *shivers*

luckily we survived that night. the next day, we packed our bags outta that hotel.  next, we went to go to that one street near the campus with the shops and food places.  we mostly looked through the stores.  we wanted to go eat sushi in downtown austin.   the jap restaurant  was closed during the afternoon.

after that, we drove to red rock.  a place close to austin.  it had a recently new outlet mall in there.at red rock, we were disappointed in the stores.  we didn't feel like browsing through a lot of stuff and the clothes were pretty shitty.  (since outlet malls sells the 'defective' items that were made in the factories for a cheaper price :/)  lol we were joking, hey there's a starbucks here.  "it's cheap because it's irregular". red rock outlets wasn't amusing after we tried it look through it.

after outlet shopping, we went to find another hotel.  the night at rodeway, we were on our laptops researching where to find the next better hotel and getting directions.  we decided to go to holiday inn.  it was more expensive..like 30+ more.  but we wanted something better to compensate for our bad night at rodeway.  cockroach free. it was okay.  been a while since i stayed at hotels.  it felt weird being in one.  somehow, i just don't care about semen on sheets anymore lol . i just don't want cockroaches and bedbugs. >.<  if i get pregnant soon, you'll know why x_x. 

we chilled at the hotel for a while and headed out to go look to eat dinner somewhere.  we went back to that same street near campus and ate at a vegan place.  it was pretty good.  i ate some of ricky's sushi that he ordered lolol.  after that, we stopped by this one store where jacob's UT friend helped prepare the opening for.  this guy is like in PR or whatever.  we all said hi to the guy and left.  after that, we walked around the UT austin campus at night. 

zomg, the ut campus was soo big and pretty.  everyone [jacob etc] felt so ashamed for being at ou.  >.>  man, imagine how i freaking feel. c'mon, i go to swosu. :/  they had a lot of stuff. like a bowling alley and pool tables etc in the lower student union.  zomg -this computer lounge area was so awesome.  hmm some random culture rooms above the union.  nice architecture structures all around.  ut campus is obviously right in the center of the austin capitol city.  along that shopping/dining strip, you see a lot of diverse kind of people. some of the people were way too happy riding bikes.  and you see random hippies on the street.  (lol at the weird shirtless guy on the street O_o).  people actually had some style going on in their fashion too.  we took some pictures of us around campus and stuff - running around at night heh.

after the campus browsing (which wasn't much, soo huge and so little time.  i wanted to see the dorms, but it was farther >.>)/ , we went to starbucks and chillaxed.  then, we headed back towards the hilton...i mean, holiday inn.  we went to bed pretty early lol 10:30-11:00 pm ish.  and we woke up around 10-10:30 am.  we were dead tired.</p><p>on the drive back, we still slept. there was nothing else to do.  we ate lunch at luby's cafeteria.  there wasn't a lot of luby's in oklahoma, and ricky missed eating there as a child.  we went there.  there was a lot of old people there..and kids... but the food was good (expensive too :/).  we were so full though.  i couldn't finish my cheesecake arhghhg.

yepyep------------------------------------

[monday]  so after classes, as usual, i was browsing on my computer.  my roomate comes in the room and says the college of pharmacy sent me a letter.  i was thinking, 'omg...so soon!?" x_x.  i wasn't sure what i was feeling at that time.  i knew that if i got rejected, i wouldn't be disappointed.  it was as if i was preparing myself to be rejected somehow.  i opened the letter and stared at it.  i kept reading it over and over again.

>lolwut?  “Dear Ms. XXXX:I am happy to inform you of your conditional acceptance to the College of Pharmacy for the Fall semester 2008"

at that moment, i was flabergasted, bewildered, weirded, and elated.  seriously, omfg, i got accepted.  deep down inside i felt lucky.  obviously i have this inferiority complex where i was skeptical of my acceptance - i don't have an amazing gpa ...hell..even my pcat score is non remarkable.  i was surprised how other people i knew weren't called for an interview etc.  

i feel like people could hate me if they knew of my academic status. but...fuck damnit. screw it all - whatever this inferiority complex i have.  somehow, the admissions committee saw something in me that stood out.  maybe it was autobiographical sketch? maybe it was my interview (which i actually felt pretty confident i did well in)?  maybe it was something in my persona/character that stood out despite my academic blemishes. maybe god is watching me and telling me not to give up?

nonetheless, i feel like i have a reason to believe in myself more. i think i should be more motivated now. i still need to do well in organic 2 during the summer to actually be formally accepted in pharm school.  damnit, i can't screw up this time.  i really want to try hard not to fuck this opportunity. ashdjahfds i really hope i can survive organic 2.  i'm so scared. T_T i just need to make a 'c'.  in pharmacy school, i believe my gpa will be a clean slate. so, there is time to redeem myself. i have to prove to others that i am academically capable and deserving of my admittance - also, i need to improve my character as well -_-.

-----------------------------------

[ random disappointment(s)?] - for some odd reason, i was feeling sad on thursday.  it was quite a trivial thing.  i think the reason was just a dumb one. i happened to finish some random pieces of art i was working on, and i posted the works online.  i was hoping to receive some feedback and recognition on them.  though, i didn't really get much response. >.>

why am i not getting any comments damnit? maybe because my art sucks/they don't like it, i'm not popular, people don't know what to say (or they are lazy to say anything), or they hate me?

after brooding, a nap, and working out, i don't feel [too] sad anymore about it (at the moment anyway:|)   ohwait. still kind of irked.  i just hate it when i put hard work into these art things and receive no feedback from them.  it pisses me off rather. i'm not talking about wanting appraisal..but just critique comments that help me improve and shit.  i actually don't complain about it publicly in my art galleries. i don't want to cause a scene. though, i'll rant/vent about my frustration here. XD

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[ehhh sure] - i bumped into an 'acquaintance friend' the other day.  he asked me how i was doing. he asked for my number, and wondered if we could hang out sometime.  i was kind of reluctant to really hang out with this person.  but i gave my number and agreed to hang out later on sometime.  

he called me to confirm the time and stuff and he asked me what things i like to do/what i do in my freetime. me: uh...browse online...workout...  o_o?.....him: i can see that you have a lot of friends. me:...>.> yeah i know i don't have much of a life.

seriously, i don't think i have much of a life.  i don't watch a lot of movies.  i don't play sports.  err...i like to do art and stuff... but who the hell does that kind of hobby?  not a lot of people....sometimes i hate ruining people's expectations of me.  like..somehow people usually seem to be fascinated with exterior sides of people and not no a clue of who the person is really like.  i admit, i can be that kind of judgmental person too.

anyways, i feel like it is going to be awkward hanging out with this guy. i can anticipate myself holding back in how i express myself >.>. ughhg seriously, why am i picky when it comes to hanging out with people? sooo laem.