#ugh wouldn't go back to 2013

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

So you want to listen to Alice Nine? (prt. 2)

Moving on with my suggestions for potential new Number Sixes, cause summarizing their work in one post was impossible, let's dive into the next era.

The "Golden" years, imo. The time that solidified them as the Princes of PSC (2008-2013 From "Mirror Ball" to "Shooting Stars")

I wouldn't like to talk about how things were in Japan, cause I wasn't there, but let me tell you foreign Number Sixes were going crazy about them in these eras. And the songs were super strong, like banger after banger, it made sense. (I almost had to separate this era into 2 more parts, cause I couldn't choose. There is so much to find here as a first listen imo)

To this day, this song gives me chills. The melody, THE PIANO WITH THE DRUMS UGH! xD Easy listen, fun song, back to full on anime song vibes but with elegance and...just listen. xD

It honestly saddens me that there are people nowadays disregarding how good this song is xD. I will admit though I don't like its live version. *nods* But the studio version is fun. And back when I became a fan it was EVERYWHERE! xD It was one of the 2-3 songs YT felt like suggesting me when it wanted to show me Alice Nine is an option close to my likes too. :P Also excuse me, but if you enjoy a good solo, you might as well choose this. Hiroto gets a solo, Tora, gets a solo and Saga as well. And Shou gets highs, hello? I get my fix on Nao solos from other songs, though. :P It's not bad here, on the contrary it keeps the rhythm fun and upbeat, it adds playfulness, it's just not given as much time to shine alone as I'd personally like.

Behold. The Anthem xD. Listen, I can tell you for a fact this song was super popular with Japanese fans as well, it'd become a joke. This was also the opening to the band's livestreams for the longest time and at some point they wanted to change it and hesitated but I don't remember if they eventually did. I still remember Tora questioning it xD. Is it time? Should we finally do it? xD I never expected such song would hold so many memories for me 13 years later but here we are.

Finally! My starter pokemon! xD This song made me their fan. It has everything I personally love, it had darker visuals than their usual, moodiness, mystery and soaring parts for grandeur. It's such a beautiful song, like a fairytale. Oh and Hiroto's solo. ;;

I was ready to make a funny visual here for you, but I chose mercy, cause I'm blabbering anyway xD. This is a very catchy song. I dunno if it has the power to make you a fan but it will definitely have you dancing around.

Another favorite in the foreign fandom from what I had seen back then. In part 1 of my Alice Nine recommendations, I had mentioned I'd talk vocal skill in a song in this part. This is the one. If anyone of you here sings, I'd like you to try sing this song while making sure you maintain as much of Japanese accent you can master, follow Shou's tone and get all the highs without running out of breath. If you've been singing for years you probably can do it. Personally, while I'm not a pro, not even close, I was surprised I ran this out of breath with this one, and my throat hurt. On the first bridge specifically. Cause I'm an Aguilera stan too so I know that when I run out of breath, the song is hard xD Like, you can't tell me he didn't have skill to sing this. Now live....this is the kind of song that strains your voice and well, with the years, it has lost lots of its oomph cause of Shou's struggles with his voice. But even back when he tried to hit every note and was way closer than nowadays, you could hear the pain. Very difficult song but very beautiful nonetheless.

This might or might not be a good first for you, it really depends on your taste but this to me is one of their most magical songs.

I personally wouldn't necessarily suggest this as a good first cause I took a bit of time to appreciate it more, myself, but look at the views. It was popular for sure, I remember that. And I admit it's catchy.

See for me this is better for a starter than Blue Flame, but it depends on taste. They both were popular when they came out but Blue Flame had more people's heart. It also had very strong imagery of the members, maybe that added to it. Anywho, I'm more of a "Heart of Gold" person. :P

And we close this era with Shooting Star. This one was a cute song for me, and I think it's easy to hear, that's why it's here. I wanted to add 2 more songs before that but tumblr limits me.

So I'm adding it here as honorable mentions: Do check "Daybreak" and "Himitsu" as well.

That’s all about this post, guys. Again, I’d have loved to do it all in one go, but tumblr... Next and final era in part 3.

I hope you find sth you like, if not, it’s ok, you might enjoy sth from other eras. But well, if you still don’t find sth, we all like different things, it’s alright, but yeah, this was an attempt to entice more people listen to one of my favorite bands, Alice Nine (their mid era, according to my understanding, at least, during which most of their songs seemed to be popular in both the Japanese and Western fandom).

[brittanagirlcrush]

Where In the World Is Brittana?

This is the latest installment in my "Dream" world canon-ish/canon-adjacent series. Full story is up at FF.Net

From Lesbos to Hawaii to New York. What Brittany and Santana got up to while they were missing from June of 2013 until April of 2014

Chapter 1 – Mytilene

“Santana … whatever it is, just tell me.”

“What?”

They were lying in chairs on the beach and enjoying – or trying to enjoy – the beautiful sunshine and the clear blue waters of the Aegean. Brittany could feel Santana stewing over … something.

“Santana, I can hear you thinking all the way over here. Whatever's bothering you, just tell me so we can work it out and actually enjoy the beach.” Brittany didn't look over at Santana; she just kept relaxing in her chair. She knew whatever it was was probably something minor that Santana was over-thinking and working herself up over for nothing.

Santana sighed. “I have to tell you something. I don't know why I didn't just tell you before. I didn't think it was a big deal but then I started thinking about it and now I'm not sure …”

Brittany sat up and faced Santana. “Santana …” she interrupted the ramble that Santana was gearing up for.

Santana looked over at Brittany and sighed again before sitting up and turning to face her. She took Brittany's hands in hers.

“I talked to Dani the night before we left. I … I called her.”

Brittany nodded. She wasn't sure where this was going but … “Okay … and?”

“I didn't want her to hear about us from Kurt or Rachel because God knows what the drama twins would tell her and I didn't want her to get hurt thinking I had been cheating on her or that I planned it or whatever.” Santana looked at Brittany and bit her bottom lip.

Flashback

“Hey, chica, what's up?” Dani's voice floated through the phone.

“Hi! How are you? How's LA?” Santana didn't know why she was nervous. She wasn't doing anything wrong. (Then why aren't you telling Brittany? Why did you wait until she was in the shower?) Santana shook off those thoughts. She was going to tell Brittany. She was. Eventually. Maybe. Ugh.

“It's amazing! The weather is awesome. I'm having a great time. Thank you again for getting me Geno's number. He's been so great introducing me to people and showing me around. The show seems like it's going to be good. We've done a couple of read-throughs and I think the script is really well written and tight. My co-workers are all pretty chill. I was a little nervous about that but, honestly, they've been great. So how are you? To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

“I'm good. Really good. It's just … there's something I wanted you to hear from me in case Kurt or Rachel texted or whatever. So, I ended up going back to Lima for that Glee thing and … um … Britt and I got back together. I didn't want you to think I was cheating on you or that we broke up because I was planning on getting back together with Brittany. It just … so cliché … happened. I didn't want you to get hurt if Kurt or Rachel said something that made it seem like … I dunno … something it wasn't.”

Dani laughed. “Santana, I know you didn't cheat on me. That never would have entered my mind. I know why we broke up; I mean, you even went to Grand Central with me to see me off on Thursday morning. I know you didn't plan it because, as of Thursday morning, you weren't planning on going to Lima.” Dani paused for a moment. “Maybe people who think everything happens for a reason are right. I mean, if I hadn't gotten this chance, you probably wouldn't have gone back to Lima.” She paused again. “Can I be real with you?”

“Of course.”

“We were having fun together. I like you, you like me. It wasn't love, right? I mean, you told me when we met that you still loved your ex but it was over. I think we were way-points for each other. A temporary rest stop before we moved on to our next thing. For me, it's LA. I have a really good feeling about everything. For you, it's Brittany. You were floundering, we both know that. You didn't know what you wanted. I think the Broadway thing was you trying to figure out what to do. It's cool, Santana, really. I would like it if we could be friends.”

“I don't have that many so I'd really like that, too.”

“Good. So my friend calls me up and says 'hey, my ex and I just got back together' … my response? Are you happy? Is it what you want?”

Santana laughed. “I am happy. Yeah, it is what I want. It wasn't like we saw each other and hooked up. She called me Thursday night and just sounded wrong. I knew something was up so I made the trip. I was right. MIT was killing her … she wasn't Brittany anymore. We spent the week hanging out and I reminded her of who she really was. Took us about a week and a half to figure out that we wanted to try again. As of yesterday, all of our friends knew. Tomorrow morning we're heading off to Lesbos for awhile. Spend some real time together without the Gleeks and family and whatever. Just me and Britt and a lot of sun and sand.”

“That sounds awesome! Really, I'm happy for you. And, even though you didn't have to, I really do appreciate you calling. You're right about Kurt and Rachel; there's no way of knowing what they'd say. So I do appreciate you giving me a heads up about what really happened. It's sweet.” Dani laughed.

“Whatever. I like you. I didn't want you to get hurt. I mean, we broke up just over two weeks ago and here I am running off to Europe with my ex.”

“Hey, I ran off to LA first. Really, it's all good. Enjoy yourself. Hit me up when you get back to the States. If you're ever in LA or I get back to New York, we'll do dinner or something. Don't be a stranger.”

“Same goes for you. Talk soon.”

end flashback

“Okay. So, you called your friend to tell her we got back together just in case the drama divas thought about being 'helpful'.”

Santana nodded.

“Why didn't you just tell me?” Brittany wasn't angry or even upset. Just bewildered and curious. “I mean, did you call her to see if there was a chance for the two of you to get back together before you ran off with me?”

“What? No! Of course not!” Santana gaped at Brittany. “How could you even think that?”

“I didn't but that's kind of how you're acting. Like you did something wrong. Santana, you called a friend. It's really not the big deal you're making it out to be. The only thing making it a big deal is you not telling me like it was something you had to hide.”

Santana looked at Brittany for a moment before launching herself off her chair and tackling Brittany off hers. They landed in the soft sand with a muffled “oof” and Santana leaned down and captured Brittany's lips in a searing kiss. She ran her tongue over Brittany's bottom lip and was granted access. Their tongues began the dance they'd known forever. Brittany wrapped her arms around Santana's waist and pulled her close.

When they finally separated for air, Brittany grinned at Santana.

“Not that I'm complaining but what was that for?”

Santana laughed. “For being the most amazing girlfriend ever.”

They got up and cuddled together on the chair Brittany had been lounging on.

“Santana, you're allowed to have female friends and talk to them on the phone and text them or whatever. I trust you. If I ever get the feeling that something's off with someone, I'll tell you. Like if someone seems to be seeing you as more than a friend. I know you. You'd be clueless.” Brittany smiled.

“You're right, I would be.” Santana shrugged. “When I'm with you, it just doesn't occur to me that someone else would be interested because I'm not interested. And … I just felt weird because she's my ex.”

“Don't think of her that way. She's your friend. When you talked to me while we were broken up was I your ex or was I your best friend? You had sex with Quinn … do you feel weird talking to her?”

“When you put it like that …”

“Exactly. We're together. I trust you not to do anything to hurt that. I know you'd never cheat on me. That's a non-issue for us.” Brittany kissed Santana softly. “I love you, we're pretty much in paradise, I don't want you getting lost in that pretty little head of yours over silly stuff.”

“I love you, too, Britt.” Santana smiled.

Brittany yawned. “I'm a little tired. I know we planned to just laze on the beach but I think I'd like to go back to our room and lie down for a bit. You interested?”

Santana got up and offered Brittany her hand. “With you? Always.”

Brittany took her hand and they headed off back to their room.

[rainbowcrowley]

For the ask game: multiples of 12! 😊

thanks ruth!! <3

this is gonna be a LONG one, so i'll put it under a cut heh

(if you're reading all my answers just know that i love you forever and THANKS)

12: What time were I born

uuuh i remember my mom telling me this not that long ago but i can't remember lol. it was around 6 or 7 in the morning, i think

24: Favourite style of clothing

dark, gender neutral, nerdy, effortless

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

neither. i've never even had earrings. i'm too chicken to get actual piercings, tho i love the look. would love to get some tattoos, but money......

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

oh god no. i mean, i love them, but after moving out 6 years ago it wouldn't be easy to go back. my mom and i tend to go at each other's throats after spending more than 3 days together lol. (i am legally registered at their place tho - but i live in a sort of dorm/boarding home in another city rn)

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind. i hate being photographed. 💀

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nope. would be a fun skill tho

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

halting time. no rewinding of forwarding it, just HALTING. just to have more hours to Do Stuff in a day. 🙃

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

nope. i would cut off my own hand before doing that. I was bullied on the internet and it was one of the worst things i ever had to experience. very traumatic and i still have to deal with the aftermath today ugh

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

DUH ofc. back in the day (2013....) i managed to binge-watch 10-12 doctor who episodes in ONE DAY. it was. a difficult time (mental health-wise) and i needed Distraction

120: Wore make up?

yeah.. but not like. seriously. stole some from my mom and tried it out when i was like 14 but never really got the hang of it. also it was (is) too much effort and too expensive AND a sensory nightmare. i like to paint my nails tho.

132: Been rejected by a crush?

nope. but that's bc i never confessed in the first place 🫠

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

a lil bit, yeah. good thing i live in a big city with lots of light pollution eh

ask me stuff!

[yourfriendanniefish]

live tumbling ATUM Act II

avalanche— a cute intro in which the oroboros is formed; the influence the smashing pumpkins had on M83 folds back into what "a smashing pumpkins album" is in 2023. that's funny. this song is Just Okay— i am trying to bring myself to enjoy the fact that billy corgan sings the word "cybernaut" is pop-conviction. good for him! it's starting to feel like "the smashing pumpkins" are just billy and whoever is doing background vocals

empires— hey it's the rock song they've been playing at all their shows. i'm getting really sick of the background vocals that have been mixed too high on SP records since Zeitgeist. i also get why billy would kind of want to hide the fact that he wrote a Mellon Collie B-Side-level riff for the first time in 25 years. finally jimmy gets to... drum? lol.

oh wait, this doesn't sound like a mellon collie b-side. it sounds like an A Perfect Circle b-side. i don't know if that's a compliment or not, honestly.

neophyte— immediately this sounds like a breath of fresh air. like "embracer" on Act I, it's "billy's new devotion to synth pop" but Good. this sounds far closer to "eye" than anything else, which is DEFINITELY a compliment. it also... sounds like a smashing pumpkins song? a lot of these songs have been fine, good even, occasionally. but this sounds like it actually has a line you can trace back through the band's history.

if he had released a song like this instead of "Run2Me" in 2013, it would have A) saved his career (no it wouldn't have) and B) been my favorite song of the year. like seriously, what a weird year to give me a sudden pang of nostalgia. what about this sends me there? idk. good song, though.

moss— whoa, singing like this? billy hasn't let himself sound that ragged on record in a LONG time. this song is devoted to sounding "cool," she said, the moment the background vocals starting chanting "meow, meow." well, okay! this fills the same sonic space as like, "love" or "cupid de locke" on MCIS, a song where the sonics get weird, and it's a bewildering curio. bridge is cool. i might have a growing kind of fucked up love for this song? filling the "Hooray!" space. god, ATUM is a fucking weird album!

night waves— back to "baby's first arpeggiator," which... fine. the question remains... what do James and Jeff do on a record like this? when they were recording this and billy kept saying "we've done 33 songs," that sounded Sisyphean, but maybe if it's just billy in a room of synths for 80 percent of the time, then i guess it makes sense.

that's me kind of ignoring this song, which is again, not bad. but it does make me wonder "would this work better as a deranged Billy Corgan solo album?" No, obviously— it needs the branding to make sense.

again, a thought coming from this song I guess being a little forgettable— what makes this a sequel to MCIS and Machina?

space age— a great example against the last question: this sounds like TheFutureEmbrace. i'm not in the business of saying "this isn't a Pumpkins song," because honestly that's not my business. but there's nothing meaningfully different between this song and like, "Now and Then" from 2005, other than "Now and Then" is a much better song. ATUM's mid-tempo synth songs are its weakpoint... and it feels like there are more than a few of them. (or is that not true and it's that they just sound very similar). ugh, he's clipping consonants again!!!

every morning— desperately disappointed immediately that it is not a cover of the sugar ray song. okay fine i'll be nicer— this is a song for his partner, right? i mean it's sweet. when it starts kicking in it kind of feels like "pinwheels" from Oceania, which is one of my favorite minor epics of theirs. oh yeah, when it really gets going? that's my late-pumpkins shit right there. there's chords in this one that make it seem like there's some theming going on? like a motif getting born? if that's on purpose it's pretty cool. the sounds going around five minutes in are really great. this is a really nice song, a drone with a simple backbeat (he didn't make jimmy play this one two one two live though, did he? lmao).

to the greys— a huge "lol" of a title. and it's a kind of wide-eyed "lol" of a song, too? i mean, it sounds really nice— kind of a cousin to "everything," that time NIN wrote a paramore song. some guitar work that sounds extremely "classic SP," but also some guitar that sounds more like X&Y-era Coldplay. oh fuck, as soon as I wrote that, i realized that's it— that's the easiest comparison to make with ATUM. it's "what if X&Y was even longer" or "what if the alien cosmic bullshit of Music of the Spheres had the songwriting of X&Y," which is such a cursed fucking question.

anyways, despite myself, i feel like this will be the song i return to off this "act" of the record.

beguiled— the segue into this song is, well, beguiling. it comes out of nowhere. probably because "beguiled" feels like a bizarre outlier in the pumpkin's catalogue these days. which, now hearing it in context of the part of the record it comes from, makes it the obvious single. at the time i was like "oh, what, you just picked the 'rock' song from the record?" and now it's like "oh, right, you just picked the rock song from the record." this doesn't sound like anything else on the record. it sticks out like a sore thumb. hilariously it sticks out because it's the only song that sounds like the whole band might actually be performing on it. i admit the lizard-brain idiot-charms of this song have grown on me. it's a good rock single. that's nice to hear, i guess.

...is there a slightly different mix here on the record or have i just never given this a close listen before?

the culling— and right back to "baby's first synth" territory. in context, it really just underlines it— what the fuck is beguiled doing on this record? it makes it hard to hear this song honestly. this is a nice stab of genesis-ass prog rock here, minus the talented drumming and plus some cure-ass bass guitar.

it really cooks my noodle why you'd write 33 songs (or more like 50, honestly, since CYR is similar, rhythmically) that just do not make use at all of your drummer, one of the most versatile and talented rock drummers of the last 30 years. just like... dude you've got jimmy chamberlin... please use him. it's not like REM and bill berry— jimmy's not writing songs. maybe he's there to arrange (but knowing billy these days i doubt it) a little too, but he's not coming to practice with "everybody hurts." instead the greatest drummer of the 90s spends Two hours going "boom boom, clap clap" and it's bonkers.

this song ends in Pink Floyd Laser Show cacophony, and it kind of sucks. not like, deal breaker sucks, but it's dull and silly. it feels like someone thinking way too hard about what a Concept Album is instead of just writing one.

springtimes— the synth in the 8th bridge of "song for a son" strikes again. i immediately like this more. because it's fucking weird in a way i don't understand, and that makes me drawn to it.

"spring time, oum oum," cutting into some surprise tasteful acoustic guitar (have we heard that on this record yet?) it's just such a strange set of sounds to go together.

i could imagine Zwan having wound up here if they never "went big" and instead made bizarre records on indie labels for a decade. that's, believe it or not, a huge compliment.

—

well, okay. that's Act II! and, honestly, it hit a lot of the same "what exactly am i listening to" kind of feelings as Act I did. which at the end of the day i guess has to be good, even if it strains against the twin thoughts of "what makes this a Smashing Pumpkins album" and "what do i even want out of a Smashing Pumpkins album." i don't know. i do not hate this. i think CYR had some okay songs but now, nearly 3 years later... that record was not good. CYR sounded both thin and overworked, and honestly the songwriting was just weaker. ATUM sounds hungrier, stranger, like it's really pushing towards something. i don't fucking know where it's going, and when was the last time i could say that about a smashing pumpkins record? even if i don't love it, the fact that i can't wrap my head around it feels good. it feels better than whatever the else that dude's been doing.

[mysecretsarekepthere]

August 15th 9:52am

I've been going through my main blog and deleting anything that doesn't align with current day blog-aesthetics. Plus I gotta purge anything related to people of my past as I don't want to see it anymore. 2013-2014 was easy but 2015-2016 was fucking rough to go through. Unfortunately I had a really toxic relationship with a man 5 years older than me and looking back is just UGH. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to date K over him as he was a more chill guy and I fumbled the bag because he was into me. Things happen for a reason and every mistake is a lesson. Without my awful experience with ya kno who that wouldn't have laid the groundwork for me meeting my husband and knowing what I wanted.

Still doesn't excuse the man's actions but I'm glad I made it out on the other side.

[purplesurveys]

1779

What was the last upsetting thing that happened to you? I got sick, again...that's two very high fevers in the short and sweet span of 1.5 months and I can almost certainly tell you it's because of work. Bright side is it's putting everything in a much clearer perspective and it'll probably be the first thing I'll raise to Trina the next time she has a check-in with me.

What was the last thing you ordered from Starbucks? I think it was their iced brown sugar blahblah espresso (why does it have to be such a mouthful?) and my favorite off their menu, the chicken barbecue sandwich.

Do you trust your doctor? I just have natural trust for all doctors in general because they're supposed to be experts at their field. It's just a matter of whether they're an asshole/condescending or not.

Do you ever question if your mother loves you? Sometimes. Last week she and dad got into an argument but made sure the rest of the household was put through hell in the most childish way you can imagine a 50 year old throwing a fit. I will never understand that about her.

Do you ever feel scared or unsafe around your dad? Not at all.

Do you have a pastor you can trust and talk to whenever you need to? Nope.

Do you have a best friend who always has your back? Yes. Just last Wednesday I had a bit of a scare because my car wouldn't start while I was stranded in the middle of BGC, and the first two people I called were Angela and Hans because I knew they'd have my back in an instant and would know how to help me. :(

What is missing in your life? Career fulfillment. I'm making good money but ugh am I miserable and getting more and more physically unwell. Two fevers in less than two months is ridiculous and I know damn well this has little to do with the flu bug that's been going around.

What color shirt are you wearing? It's white with some pink accents.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? The delivery rider assigned to me for a work-related booking.

Who is your least favorite doctor you’ve been to? I'm not even sure if they were a doctor but it was that psychologist(?) or therapist(?) or whatever the hell she was who was doing a mental health check on me as part of my college admissions. She was just very rude and seemed very judgmental from the get-go, so I said nothing about my depression because I knew she was 100% going to make it worse and more embarrassing.

Who is your least favorite nurse? I don't think I've had encounters with bad nurses.

What is your favorite type of Lunchables? Idk what those are. I mean I have a vague idea of them, but I didn't grow up with them.

What gives you migraines? My job, and every itty bitty thing about my job.

What is the worst medication side effect you’ve ever had? Not a medication, but I've always gotten horrible fevers from all my Covid vaccines and boosters.

When was the last time you remember your life being good? My horrible day-to-day at my job notwithstanding, my life is pretty fuckin sweet right now given that CM Punk has returned to WWE. Anyone here know me since 2013/14? HAHAHAHA THAT ROBYN IS BACK AND HOPEFULLY SHE'S HERE TO STAY FOR A WHILE

What makes you forgetful? Stress or trauma, I would say.

Do you block stupid, ignorant people on Facebook? I'll sometimes block actual profiles, but most of the time if I see something I don't like I either just pettily report the thing or have the post hidden from my feed.

What is your favorite magazine to read? I have not read one in yearsss, and the only exception is if a magazine covers BTS or one of the BTS members and does a profile feature on them. Sometimes the stories come out great and sometimes they are ass.

What is your favorite thing to order at Taco Bell? I just get the first burrito I see on the menu. I've never been familiar with their items. I'm not a Taco Bell regular because there's only like 3 of them here and all of them are too far and I'd never go out of the way just for some foreign fast food hahaha.

What was the first color you dyed your hair? Ash brown. I wanted to go all-in off the bat and tried to ask for green, but the salon was super protective of my soon-to-be-bleached virgin hair hahaha and insisted I go a mild shade first, so ash brown it was. I never did get around to dyeing my hair green.

Do you trust your parents completely? No.

Do you have someone you feel completely safe around? Sure.

What church do you go to? My family attends Sunday mass at our local parish.

Have you made a lot of mistakes? Is there anyone who would actually say no to this?

Do you take risks often? Eh, not really. I don't have a lot of safety nets in the first place, so it's smarter for me to play it safe for the most part.

Who was the last person you called on the phone? The aforementioned delivery rider.

What color is your favorite whiteboard marker? I don't use markers much.

[beautifullychaoticworld-blog]

omg looking back now I think 25 was the worst age.... (that was back in 2017) 23 sucked too. Had some nervous breakdowns and hate outburst back then ala Britney when she shaved her head in 2016 and 2017... I'm actually starting to forget some stuff now but I remember 2013 was a horrible year for me and I was just 21 then ugh... but 25 still sucked a lot when I lost my friendships and got into arguments with a lot of people... never had so much negative energy from everyone around me before... felt like everything was going against me...

I do miss being young and in my 20s but quite honestly most of my 20s were shit years and I wouldn't wanna go back and go through all this shit again... I really hope I can make my 30s better.

[chut-je-dors]

im sorry but i kinda disagree with your stance on this whole John and Paul who is the sub/bottom debate. It’s not right for you to keep saying how paul being a dom is canon bc none of us know how paul was/is in bed and we can’t just look at his personality and make that determination. imo that’s just as harmful as assuming he’s a sub based on his looks. also you’re kind of projecting a sub role onto John based on those same things (looks and perceived personality) which is a bit hypocritical (1)

(CONT)

I agree sometimes sexism seems to fuel people’s portrayal of paul in fics but at the end of the days it’s just fiction and none of us actually know j or p so it actually shouldn’t matter what people write them as or even why they do it (we shouldn’t project a motive into people and assume intention). I hope this didn’t come across as harsh or curt or mean. I really love your blog and your writing but i just didn’t agree with your take. Have a great day/night ❤️ (2)

Ooooh yeah I definitely agree with the whole “none of us know” thing. you can’t look at canon john and paul and say “these dudes are this and that” cos you don’t KNOW. for me the fandom is all about having fun, writing fics and stuff, and it’s fun to speculate about these guys! so when i said in the post that john is the subbiest sub it’s the same as puck going “paul got pegged by linda and that is a FACT, CHANGE MY MIND”, and then we laugh. we mean this stuff as in “hoho, imagine if! haha. would be wild. heheh.”, y’kno?? whereas in fact WE DON’T KNOW, 

what spurred that particular post was that one specific type of fics where you have people being born into sub and dom roles and the society having like, idk, rules for them i guess?, and then somehow those fics at least seemed to have paul as the sub by definition (haven’t looked at ao3 that closely in a year, so this could’ve changed by now) -- which seems weird to me cos if you’re aiming for at least a SOMEWHAT accurate characterisation of john lennon and paul mccartney (never truly accurate, no matter how close you seem to get, cos WE DONT KNOW, haha), it’d be odd for john to NOT be the sub at least ONCE, since i see his “canon” personality traits being more easily modified into the role of a sub. (not saying paul doesn’t have those traits!!! it’s just, when it’s nearly  always him... i fear it’s abt the same thing as him traditionally being the bottom based on his looks) personally i think both would’ve been switches, but again, i can’t know that

idk if i’m explaining myself well here, but that is what the post was. i know i didn’t specify a lot in it and that’s on me, but at the same time i nEVER thoUGHT PEOPLE WOULD LIKE, ACTUALLY START A WHOLE DISCOURSE ABOUT IT. IT WAS JUST ME OBSERVING THINGS ALOUD IN THE VOID SO,,, help

as predominantly an au writer i’m all about exploring different scenarios, the “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if.../what would happen if.../what would they be like if...”. so if you got paul as the sub, cool! if you got john as the sub, cool! it’s when different authors all seem to go for the same scenario, repeatedly, without considering doing it the other way around (been a problem with bottom!paul... with sub!paul... macho!john, girly!paul...) when i start questioning it a little. ultimately it’s the author’s own choice what to do with the characters and how to build their personality. but i think furthering that perception of their characters into, say, switching the traditional roles around, is much more fun in the end, and brings some fresh air into the fandom.

basically, the more diversity there is, the more people will be attracted by the fandom, thus the fandom grows, the diversity grows, rinse and repeat. and the well-being of this fandom is one of my main priorities, because being in this fandom is so much fun and it’s so dear to me, that i’d hate to see it wither away (hence the whole... library... thing, to support the authors). so i attempt to give a little nudge to the authors to think of the possibilities as well.

(like... the whole ten minutes fic started from the idea “hey, what if john was the prostitute for once”, cos you have so many fics with paul as the prostitute, and... not that many with john, at least back then, whereas i feel that from the two of them, semi-realistically speaking, considering what we know of their real personalities and looking at their actions... john might be the one to go for that sort of thing for fun, re: the whole 70′s pushing the boundaries of his sexuality. again.... just, diversity. both. both is good.)

so. um, long story short, you’re right and i agree with all your points? hahah

thanks for the ask tho!!! don’t worry about sounding mean, this was a really polite and good ask, thank you! i really do hope i managed to... at least shed some light into my thought process? you can disagree with everything i wrote of course, that’s completely fine! or if there’s something that was left unclear, or you feel confused by something, just send an ask and i’ll do my best to answer it. sometimes i say things “wrong” or can’t express my thoughts well, (which is apparently part of the ADHD gig), so rlly, don’t hesitate to tell me if there’s still something bugging you!!

[back-to-louis]

Your #larriein2022 hit me hard for a second. If you could give the larries in 2011 a glimpse into the future I am sure they'd stop tinhatting immediately. When you're in the deep of it and years go by, the sunk cost gets higher, you truly lose sight of how ridiculous your beliefs are. I'm just glad I got out in 2013. If I had built friendships or a community with larries back then would I still be one of them? Ugh, horrible to think about. It's 2022!

I'm sure that if you'd described 2021 to larries in 2011 they wouldn't have wanted to stick around, but: they wouldn't have believed that description anyway!

2022 and they're all, ugh, if They didn't want me to believe Larry wasn't real then They should stop making Louis let his sisters post his fake nearly six year old kid on instagram after They made him exploit this kid by forcing him to let him into his house and They shouldn't be making Harry go to Italy with his family and his also beard who is exploiting him by directing the movie she cast him in and They shouldn't have bound Harry to a multi-movie Marvel contract, I'm just saying there are too many coincidences and that's why Larry are sending me signs through t-shirts and merch sock hearts and the likes and shares of Louis' vocal instructor who also shouts out his beard, anyway, free these boys, who I call boys despite one of them being 30 now, we should show them what's what with our wallets, take THAT, They! [fetus larry gifsets] hashtag itsliterallyending

Happy 2022!

[akookminsupporter]

There is not need to follow BTS since 2013 to see the kind of relationship that JK and JM have. We are lucky and have tons of material. Personally, I think they have a special bond, sexual tension and physical attraction. Please, stop saying that their gaze and another things they do is brotherly love because I have a brother and never looked to my brother that way, ugh. But I don't think they were or are dating. Korean society is what it is and for them the best and easy option is being with a girl.

I agree with part of your message Anon. You don't need to watch all their content or all of Jimin and Jungkook's interactions to notice that there is something different about them, in fact I have never thought anything beyond that they were very good friends when I was watching the content from 2015 backwards, they were very young, especially JungKook who was a minor, I personally didn't and still don't feel comfortable thinking otherwise about their interactions from back then. I agree with you also that it's wrong to think that everything they do, which is often questionable (rose bowl I'm thinking of you) was something that happened between two brothers. First of all, they aren’t siblings, and if they were we would be talking about some pretty inappropriate actions between siblings, please that is wrong on so many levels. They are not siblings, what they do is not something that even the closest siblings would do. BTS members have a very close relationship, they are very good friends and they are certainly comfortable with each other but that doesn't make them siblings, by the way I also want to say that people should stop saying that Jin is the mother of the group.

Now the part where I disagree with you. Yes, it's true that unfortunately Korean society is what it is, and it still has a long way to go to catch up with the times regarding the acceptance of people's sexual orientation and the LGTBI+ community in general BUT the best and easiest option for Jimin and Jungkook wouldn’t be to date a woman. Assuming they are a couple/gay. That wouldn't be the best option, it definitely wouldn't be the easiest. They would be living a lie. They wouldn’t be happy. Neither they nor the woman they would be with. It wouldn't be fair to her/them either. In my humble opinion the other option would be to be single.

But if they really are in a relationship or would like to be in a relationship together, there are ways to make it happen. BTS members spend a lot of time together. They travel together, they eat together. Obviously work together. And many assume they live together. It would be a matter of having a reliable staff, tied to a strong NDA and that's it. It's not easy, but it's possible. The only thing they couldn't do is have a public relationship. Which is sad but... it's not the end of the world. They are after all quite private people.

Living a lie is never the answer. At least not for me.

[sinsiriuslyemo]

Happy new year, dearest readers! Let’s start off the new year with a little Rabastian!

10. 2014

DECEMBER 30,  2013

“That was hilarious,” Sebastian said with a grin as he and Rafael walked out of the Walter Kerr theater. 

After he’d gotten out of yet another pretrial motion filed by William Lewis’ lawyer, Rafael had been anxious to go see a show with the pianist that had been on his mind the entire day. He’d gone home to change and walked to Sebastian’s apartment. Upon seeing the musician, Rafael instantly felt the day’s tension leave his shoulders. 

“Jefferson Mays has never disappointed me,” he said as Sebastian’s hand naturally found his and laced their fingers together.

“I know, he is so amazing, I’d watch him in just about anything,” the pianist replied. “And the fact that he played all those roles--”

“--Oh, I know, he was brilliant,” Rafael said, holding up a hand to hail a cab. 

“Thanks again for bringing me,” Sebastian replied, gently squeezing the other man’s hand and dropping a kiss on his lips. 

“It was my pleasure,” Rafael said with a smile as they got into a cab.

“You hungry?”

“Yes, actually,” Rafael answered.

"What do you think, Italian?" Sebastian looked over at Rafael, who had slightly curled his top lip as he tilted his head to one side. "Okay, sushi?" The musician laughed at the grin of approval that graced the prosecutor's lips before he turned to the driver and gave him an address. He looked back to Rafael. "You're adorable when you speak with your expressions, you know that?" 

"You're adorable, period," Rafael answered, sliding his gloved fingers between Sebastian's.

Ever since their first sexual experience together Christmas Day-night, he'd found himself thinking more and more about he and Sebastian planning a future together. He would often picture coming home to the musician working at his piano while a roast cooked in the oven. Or waking up to the feel of the other man's lips against his neck. He was well into a fantasy of he and Sebastian taking a trip around the world together when the pianist spoke again.

"Hey, listen, I was wondering...you spending New Years Eve with your family?" the musician asked, pulling him from his fantasies.

"No, I usually just spend it at home," Rafael answered. "Why?"

"Well, Casper and I usually spend it at his place and since Katie's living there now, I was hoping that maybe you would want to come too." The pianists eyes shifted nervously to their joined hands before coming back up to meet his own.

A slow smile came to Rafael's face as he shifted slightly to look at Sebastian. "You want me to spend New Years Eve with you?"

"Yeah, I-I know it's kinda last minute...I wasn't even sure if I should ask you, I mean...we've only been seeing each other a short--"

"--Stop," Rafael said softly, his easy smile stretching his lips. "I'd love to ring in the new year with you, Sebastian."

The pianist mirrored his grin and leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to his lips as the cab stopped at their destination. Paying for the cab, Sebastian tugged on Rafael's hand and they walked into the sushi bar together.

"You really spend New Years Eve by yourself?" he asked Rafael in a gentle voice after they'd been seated by the hostess. 

The prosecutor bobbed his shoulders, opening the menu. "I usually have work to keep me busy. My mom has always said I could come with her to my aunt's house but...crime never sleeps, apparently. And my aunt lives in Kew Gardens, my mom usually spends the night. I have to work the following day, so…"

"Well, this year, you'll only be a few blocks away from home. No excuse. And no work either. We can leave early if need be, if you really need to get some work done, but while we're at Casper and Katie's, I want you to relax and have fun, deal?"

Rafael's lips stretched into a closed-mouth smile as he nodded. "Deal."

"Good."

"So Casper and Katie live together? How long have they been dating?"

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Ugh, don't get me started on that. According to Casper, they're 'roommates'." He brought his fingers up to make air quotes as he again rolled his eyes. "And yet they've been sleeping in the same room and fucking for the last seven months. Oh and Katie definitely wants more. Casper's the neanderthal."

"Ugh," Rafael answered in a grimace.

"I know."

"Why hasn't he--"

"--I don't know," Sebastian replied with a chuckle, shaking his head as he looked down at the menu. "I told him he's a commitment-phobe. It's a shame, too, Katie's a good woman."

"Well, to be patient with that arrangement, I'd say she's a downright saint."

"Tell me about it," Sebastian said. "I told him last week he needs to shit or get off the pot. It's time, and the girl's earned the girlfriend title by now."

"I agree with that," Rafael replied. "Speaking of friends, I finally talked to Liv about the dinner party thing."

Sebastian looked up, setting his menu down. "And?"

"She said she didn't think I would go with all the other detectives there, and she apologized for making the assumption."

"See? I bet you feel better after talking to her," Sebastian said.

"I do actually. You were right," Rafael answered, smirking at the pianist.

"I'm glad. She seems nice. She doing any better after the...thing you were talking about?"

"She is...but the trial's coming up next week, I'm not sure she's ready to face him."

"Trial? What happened to her?" Sebastian asked. "Was she…"

Rafael sighed as he shook his head, brows raised on his forehead. "She says no, but I...I honestly don't know. I think she would've told me if he had. But even if he didn't, he still abducted her for three days...tortured her…he would've killed if she hadn't--" 

His jaw clenched as he thought about the photos of Liv from the hospital, sleep-deprived, beaten and traumatized. He shook his head, trying to keep those images from tainting his evening with Sebastian. As if on cue, the musician reached across the table and placed a hand over his. 

"Sounds to me like the guy deserves to fry," Sebastian said. "And I don't even believe in the death penalty."

"You don't?" Rafael replied indignantly, looking up at the pianist with his brows in waves.

Sebastian was a little taken back by his response, inching away from him slightly. "No...does that bother you?"

"For animals like William Lewis, I wish a firing squad were still an option," Rafael answered. "Some people deserve to die."

"That may be true, but who the hell are we to decide who lives and dies? The death penalty makes us just as bad as they are. Worse, actually...we bring in people to watch it go down."

"Your own mother was murdered, you wouldn't want to see the guy responsible pay for what he did?" Rafael asked, biting down on his tongue after the words had escaped his lips. The musician pulled his hand away and leaned back against his chair as Rafael shook his head and lowered his eyes, mouth hanging open. "I'm sorry, that was...outta line, I'm sor--"

"--You're right, it was outta line," the pianist replied.

Rafael could see a mixture of hurt and anger swirling in the blue of the other man's eyes and he lowered his own gaze, silently cursing his big mouth. He supposed it was only a matter of time before his words would work against him. It certainly hadn't been the first time he'd said something he immediately regretted thereafter. His tongue, however sharp and effective in a courtroom, may very well have just ruined the one good thing in his life. 

Swallowing the lump that had begun to form in his throat, he inhaled silently and deeply, pursing his lips before he again reached across the table and looked up Sebastian, who now appeared to either be holding back tears or trying to keep himself from throttling the prosecutor. Maybe both.

"Sebastian, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking, I..." The lawyer shook his head and bit down on his bottom lip, a small form of punishment, which paled in comparison to the offense. "I never should've said that."

The musician simply continued to stare at him as their server came to take their orders. It was then that Sebastian broke eye contact and looked up at her with a small smile before he gave her his order. Rafael followed suit, though instead of a polite smile he looked more like a child who'd been caught misbehaving. Only after she'd left did Sebastian speak again, this time directing his words to Rafael.

"I need to know you're not gonna use that against me every time we disagree," he said.

"No," Rafael answered immediately, shaking his head for good measure. "I promise you, it'll never happen again. I'm so sorry, Sebastian."

Sebastian nodded. "Okay," he whispered. "And just for the record, I never said that I wouldn't want my mother's killer to pay. It's just that my idea of vengeance is a lot darker than just a needle in the arm."

"It's justice, not vengeance," Rafael said with a frown. 

Sebastian shook his head. "It's a quick fix for us and giving them the easy way out. I'd want to know that every morning I get to wake up, free as a bird, while he rots in a cell for the rest of his life. I'd want the option to be able to go to whatever prison he's in and watch him rot. Watch him suffer knowing he'll never see daylight again. The man who killed my mom doesn't get to rest in peace. I'd want him to live a long, miserable life in a four by four cell with nothing but time to think about everyone he ever hurt."

Rafael regarded the pianist with soft eyes as he picked up his water and took a sip while his eyes roamed their surroundings.

"They changed the lighting in here, I think," he said as his eyes once again settled on Rafael. 

Smiling softly, the ADA reached across the table and laid a hand over the musician's forearm until he met Rafael's gaze.

"You're such a good man," he said.

Sebastian snorted softly. "I'm a good man because I want some piece of shit to suffer?"

"A piece of shit who would deserve to suffer. A piece of shit who took something from you that can never be replaced...but still you would spare his life. That's what makes you a good man. Most people would let him die. Want him to die."

Smirk tugging at his lips, Sebastian shrugged. "I'm not most people."

"I know," Rafael replied, using his thumb to stroke over the musician's hair-covered forearm.

"I think we just had our first fight," Sebastian said after a moment.

"Yeah, thanks to my big mouth," Rafael answered, lowering his eyes again.

"I love your mouth," the pianist said, turning his palm to face the ceiling, waiting for the lawyer's hand to slide over it. "Most of the time," he added with a teasing smirk.

Grinning back, Rafael brought the pianist hand up to place a firm kiss on his knuckles as in his mind he answered, I think I love you.

DECEMBER 31, 2013

Sebastian checked himself over in the mirror one last time after he heard the short rapping on the door, which he assumed was Rafael. They'd decided to meet up at Sebastian's and then go to Casper and Katie's together. Taking a deep breath, he tried to slow his racing heart by focusing on his breathing. Why was he so nervous? He and Rafael had been seeing each other for almost five months, they'd been on countless dates together, but never had they hung out with other people for an evening, least of all another couple and close friends of Sebastian's to boot. 

It'll be fine, you idiot. Just open the door so he doesn't think you ditched him.

Clearing his throat, he took long strides to his front door and opened it to find Rafael in a pink polo shirt under a tan jacket and jeans, carrying a bottle of expensive-looking champagne. The musician couldn't help the grin that formed on his face as his eyes drank in the sight of the ADA over and over again. 

"Wow. You look so good," he finally said, stepping aside to let the other man in as he gestured to the bottle. "You didn't have to bring anything."

"My mother taught me to never show up at someone's home without something in your hand," Rafael answered, closing the space between them to plant a kiss on the pianist's lips. "You look handsome, too."

Looking down at his fitted white thermal and dark stained jeans, Sebastian smoothed a hand over his shirt before his eyes came back up to meet Rafael's. "I may just say fuck it and keep you all to myself tonight."

"Well, you'll have me all to yourself later," the prosecutor replied, smirking suggestively as he laid another kiss on Sebastian's pout. 

"Oh, no work this year?" the pianist teased.

"I had a reason to get it all done this afternoon," Rafael said.

There was no stopping the warmth that crept up Sebastian's neck at the thought of Rafael making sure to clear his evening just for him. As if he hadn't already had thoughts of Rafael coming home to him after a hard day in court, now he was fighting the urge to mentally plan their wedding. 

"Should we go?" Sebastian asked, grabbing his jacket and putting it on. 

"Yes," Rafael replied. "So is this the first holiday Katie and Casper are spending together, too?"

"They were...whatever they are for this past 4th of July, so, not exactly. But it is coming up on nine months they've been fucking." Sebastian locked the door behind him and followed Rafael downstairs and onto the sidewalk.

"You should just call it what it is," Rafael replied with a smirk. "They're dating. Who knows, maybe if you say it enough times, Casper will finally start referring to her as his girlfriend."

The pianist laughed as his fingers naturally laced with those of Rafael's while they walked up the street towards Casper and Katie's apartment building. The streets were relatively clear, the large majority of the city either at a New Years Eve party or in the restaurants that were scattered around The Village. No true New Yorker ever went near Times Square when they could have a far more comfortable view of the Rockin Eve festivities from their couch or on a rooftop.

"That's not a bad idea," Sebastian said. "Who knows, he may not even notice."

"How long have you known him?"

"Since we were, like, twelve. He lived in the building across the street from mine," Sebastian replied. "How about you and Olivia? How long have you guys known each other?"

"A little over a year now. Basically from the time I started working with Manhattan SVU. She's probably the closest thing I have to a friend left. The only other person that I would still consider a friend is...going through some things. I'm not sure if things will ever be the same between us," Rafael replied.

"What happened?"

Rafael sighed heavily, forcing a smile on his face as he looked over at Sebastian. "Alex Muñoz happened."

"That whole thing that went down a couple months back?"

Rafael nodded as they both came to a stop at the corner of the block. "We were all friends as kids. Alex had the looks, Eddie was the muscle and I was the mouth, of course."

"Course you were," Sebastian answered with a smirk, gently bumping the ADA's hip with his own. 

Snorting softly, Rafael rolled his eyes just as the white figure appeared on the light across the street, indicating they could safely cross. "Eddie and I always had a special bond. A kind of unspoken connection...and we both always followed Alex. Until I went off to Harvard, Eddie stayed with Alex in the South Bronx, even became his bodyguard when he got into politics."

"So he was probably privy to a lot of the not so kosher shit Alex was doing."

Rafael nodded. "He was. He almost went to prison because of Alex."

"Why didn't he?"

"Because I convinced him to make a deal," Rafael answered in a barely audible voice. "He has a son, a mother to look after. Single dad, he's their only income. And I have no idea what he's gonna do now that Alex has been indicted. That whole ordeal just...it made me feel like a bad friend for leaving him."

Sebastian's thumb idly stroked over the glove covered skin between Rafael's knuckles. "You helped him stay outta prison, Raf. That sounds like a pretty great friend to me."

The corner of Rafael's lips curled upward slightly, his eyes lowered towards the sidewalk. He had never seen the prosecutor look so sad as when he talked about his childhood friends, and all Sebastian wanted to do at that moment was kiss every bad memory away.

"You should invite him to the club some night," he suggested, giving Rafael's hand a squeeze. 

"I don't know," the ADA answered in a sigh.

"If he took your advice, that means he values your opinion...and with Alex gone, I'm sure he could use a friend he knows he can count on," Sebastian said as he streered them towards the entrance of a six story building. "Think about it."

Nodding gently, Rafael smiled at Sebastian as they walked to the elevator and waited for the doors to open. "I will."

"Good," the pianist answered, pulling his hand out of Rafael's to wind the arm around his waist. "Because I can't tell you just how badly I wanna hear all about what you were like as a kid."

Rafael laughed, letting his head fall back as he leaned into the other man's frame. "I can tell you. I was a nerd. Older kids in the neighborhood used to beat me up, take my lunch money. Eddie put a stop to that."

"Well then he sounds like a pretty great friend, too."

"He is," Rafael replied.

They stepped into the elevator  and Sebastian hit the button for the fourth floor. "We're supposed to be getting a lot of snow in the next couple days."

"Yeah, I am not looking forward to that," Rafael replied in a sigh. "The commute to work is gonna be a nightmare."

"I can't say I envy you," Sebastian answered with a smirk. "That's probably the easiest part about my job, short commute."

"Your job must be nice. You get to play music all night, relaxed setting."

"It's got its difficulties like any other job. Mostly just people who drink a little too much and make asses of themselves. Doesn't happen too often, but still. Plus, it can get a little difficult to keep the sets fresh every night. There are only so many songs that are compatible with a piano arrangement."

"I, for one, wouldn't care if you played the same song on a loop every night. Your voice is so beautiful," Rafael answered, leaning his forehead against Sebastian's temple.

Turning his head to stare into the prosecutor's emerald eyes, Sebastian grinned and closed the space between them just as the elevator dinged softly and the doors began to slide open again.

"THEY'RE HERE!" he heard Katie yell. 

Breaking their kiss, Sebastian turned his head to see the petite brunette standing in the hallway with a beer.

"Jesus Christ, woman. What the hell are you doing?" he asked. "You started without us?" He gestured to the bottle in her hand as he and Rafael got out of the elevator and walked towards her.

"Casper didn't think you guys would make it. I knew you would," she answered, leading them both inside.

"Shit," Casper muttered when he saw the two men walk in behind Katie. 

"What a way to greet your guests, you animal," Sebastian mused as he took off his winter gear.

"I thought for sure you guys were gonna end up staying at your place so you could bang, if I'm being honest," Casper said with a bob of his shoulders. "I mean, you know, New Years Eve, fireworks and shit."

"Whoa, fancy," Katie said, her eyes on the bottle in Rafael's hand.

"Oh, yes, here. I brought this for us to toast to a new year," the prosecutor said, handing the bottle to Katie.

"Wow! Champagne," Katie replied with a grin. "Thank you, that's so nice. I'll go put it in the kitchen."

"Champagne, huh?" Casper chimed, nodding as the corners of his mouth turned down in appreciation. He looked up at Sebastian. "I like him."

Rafael chuckled as he, too, took off his winter coat, gloves and scarf.

"So what have you two lovebirds been doing?" Sebastian teased.

Casper rolled his eyes as Katie answered, "Oh just hanging around. By the way," she turned her gaze to Casper as she came back into the living room, "you owe me ten bucks."

"Yeah, yeah," Casper replied, reaching into his pocket and digging a ten dollar bill out of his wallet.

"He bet you guys would end up cancelling and staying at your place to bone," she explained to Rafael and Sebastian.

The pianist turned to look at the prosecutor. "See? What'd I tell you? Animal."

Rafael laughed softly before he looked back at Katie. "He means thank you for inviting us over."

"Aw, you're doing that thing where these two act like total idiots," she gestured to Sebastian and Casper, "but you and I are totally on the same page." 

"We're standing right here," Casper said with furrowed brows.

Katoe paid him no mind. "Do you guys want some snacks? We've got some cheese I can cut up and crackers."

"Sure," Sebastian answered.

"Do you want some help?" Rafael asked.

Katie's eyes lit up. "I would love some help, thank you, Rafael."

Sebastian watched Katie and the ADA walk into the kitchen as he and Casper sat down on the couch, the latter reaching into a small cooler for a bottle of beer to hand off to Sebastian. The pianist couldn’t help but chuckle as he took the offering. “Something wrong with your fridge?”

“No, this is just easier, I don’t have to get up. So, this is getting pretty serious between you two, huh?” the scrawny man asked, leaning back against the cushions.

“I don’t know if I would say that just yet, but things are going really well,” Sebastian answered. “How about you and your girlfriend?” he asked with a smirk, remembering the conversation with Rafael on the way over to their apartment.

“Oh, I mean, same ole. She really liked the bathrobe, you were right,” Casper replied. “Think I’m gonna--wait a sec, did you call her my girlfriend? She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Right,” Sebastian mumbled, taking a sip of his beer. “So she liked the bathrobe?”

“Yeah.”

“I told you she would,” Sebastian said, grinning. “Hey, I’ve been thinking...I think I wanna take Raf to meet Edna. What do you think?”

“Five months in?”

“No, not right away, but I was thinking maybe for Valentine’s Day we could stop Uptown to see her and he could meet her then,” Sebastian replied.

“And you say it’s not getting serious.” Casper smirked, rolling his eyes and taking a sip from his beer. “Have you met anyone from his world yet?”

“Yeah, I met one of his coworkers one night while we were out.”

“Did you meet her there or did you just happen to run into her?” Casper asked.

“We just ran into her, but Raf still introduced me.”

“I don’t know, man,” Casper mumbled.

“What? He just happened to meet you guys down at the piano bar. That wasn’t planned.”

Casper tilted his head to one side. “That’s true.” 

Katie and Rafael came back into the living room with a platter of cheese and crackers, laughing at one thing or another as they set the platter and small plates on the coffee table. For a moment, Sebastian could imagine that the four of them had been together for years and that this was their tradition every New Years. It was a nice thought, especially when accompanied by the image of him and Rafael going home together, falling asleep together.

“So how was the show last night, guys?” Katie asked as she sat down next to Casper, who instinctively put an arm around her shoulders.

“Oh God, it was amazing,” Rafael answered, looking to Sebastian as he too sat down.

“Yeah, Jefferson Mays knocked it out of the park, as usual. You guys should go see it if you get a chance to, it was so good,” the pianist agreed.

“Well, I wanna go see it, but you know Mr. I-Don’t-Watch-Theatre over here,” she answered, as she pointed to Casper with her thumb.

“I just don’t like the crowds,” Casper said, shoulders bobbing.

“This is a really small theatre, so it’s actually perfect for someone who prefers smaller crowds,” Rafael offered, leaning against Sebastian when the musician draped an arm over the back of the sofa behind him.

Casper seemed to consider it for a moment before he idly nodded. “Yeah, okay. Maybe we’ll go then.”

Katie looked pleasantly surprised. “We gotta keep you around Rafael. I never thought it would be that easy to convince him to go see a show.”

“Happy to help,” the ADA answered. 

“Hey, let’s play a game!” Katie suggested, handing Rafael a beer from the cooler. “I got Cards Against Humanity from my grandma and I think we might have Jenga somewhere.”

“That sounds great,” Rafael chimed.

“I’ll go get them!” Katie replied, shooting up from her seat excitedly and disappearing down the hall.

For the next couple of hours, they played games while waiting for the time to tick closer to midnight, and Sebastian couldn’t shake the feeling of it all being so...normal. As if they’d been doing this for years with Casper and Katie. Every so often they would meet eyes and share a smile at one another and Sebastian couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so happy. He hoped it would last for the rest of their lives.

Eleven fifty-five came in no time at all it seemed, and Casper suggested they all go to the rooftop to watch the ball drop, just as he and the pianist had done every year. Opening the bottle of champagne that Rafael had brought, they poured four glasses out and began to make their way to the top of the building.

“I can’t believe you can actually see the ball from here,” Katie mused as Casper propped open the emergency exit that led to the roof.

“I mean, it’s not a perfect view, but you can see it as it reaches five seconds left,” Casper answered, leading them to the perfect spot for the best vantage point. Looking down at his watch, he started off the countdown. “Ten, nine, eight…”

“Thank you for inviting me,” Rafael mumbled into Sebastian’s ear before he planted a gentle kiss on the skin beneath the lobe.

“Thanks for coming,” Sebastian mumbled back with a warm smile.

“Three, two, one...HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

With his heart filled to brim with joy, Sebastian closed the space between them and pressed his lips against those of the ADA’s, keeping their foreheads pressed together when, after a few moments of bliss, their lip lock broke. From the corner of his eye, he could see a bright flash and turned to look at Katie, who was holding up her cellphone, pointed at the two of them.

"Sorry, you guys are just so cute together, I literally want to put you both in a frame and keep you always," Katie said.

"When would they pee?" Casper asked, earning a chuckle from Sebastian and Rafael.

“Katie, would you send that to me, please?” Rafael asked.

“Yeah, of course!” Katie answered.

Sebastian couldn’t have helped it if he wanted to, and he definitely didn’t want to stop himself from falling, long and hard for the ADA at that very moment. And he didn’t even care that it might’ve been too soon to feel that way.

[sewertour]

Note: I wrote this exactly 6 years and am bringing it back, since I just got back from my 2019 cruise (page count: 0!)

Writing Workshop at Sea for One or My New Expensive Hobby

I am a terrible writer.

Not that my syntax is any more clunky, my stories any less interesting or my prose as equally tortured than the average scribe's, but my writing frequency is infrequently fecund. For me, writing is hard. And after years of wall staring self-analysis, I've decided my troubles stem from the fact that the very act of writing makes me think. Hard. Very very hard.

And since thinking hurts my brain, and my brain does not enjoy painful experiences, spends time focusing me on other cognitive tasks that have more immediate rewards, like reading an email, eating a pint of ice cream or staring into a middle distance thinking about all the awesome things you could be doing. When I finally make the effort to concentrate on writing, I start by planning to write.

There are all kinds of plans to make. There's different medium to mediate, places to pontificate, and scuttlebutt to schedule. And by the time that's settled, I'm suddenly hungry and have to deal with that crisis immediately. Before scratching no more than a few words, I suddenly have the urge to check my phone which reminds me that it's essential I watch TV. Then the day's over and I start to despair my lack of word count, but there's always tomorrow and tomorrow.

So for 2013 I decided that I was going to spend a big chunk of my work vacation time leading the romantic life of a non-professional writer. This way, I wouldn't have to hole up in a dank garret worrying about where I was going to get my next bottle of MD 20/20, or worry about any distractions at all except for the glow of the blank page.

Unfortunately, I knew holing up at home wouldn't work. First off, there would be too many distractions and besides, it wasn't working now on evenings and weekends, so why would it if I had a whole week or two? I needed to go on more than a metaphysical writer's journey, I needed a place to unhook from reality, and the Internet. I'm really bad about the Internet.

My first thought was to book time at a writer's colony in the mountains. Away from the internet and worldly distractions is traditional, but a quick search on the internet revealed a sad truth. Not only were these retreats expensive, but for some of them I would not only have to do some cooking and cleaning, but listen to other people's touchy-feely paper revelations and talk about how it made me feel. Ugh.

Maybe I just need to find a cheap hotel that feeds me whenever I want. What about Vegas? Still too distracting for me. But what if you took a vegas-style hotel, leached it of all hope and placed it somewhere far from the prying hands of a national government and the internet? That would be a writer's paradise. And that would be a cruise ship.

It's a jail cell without the shivving - a monastery without the religion - a lonely shack surrounded by nature, but with a doctor on standby. There would be an unsuspecting audience for my karaoke and an ever present army to prepare my snacks 24 hours a day. And if you're willing to take the least popular routes available, all of this can be yours for a very low, low price.

To many people, a cruise is synonymous with fun. There's a certain appeal to sitting around all day by a pool, eating at the buffet, and then at night soaking up all the bountiful light entertainment. But it's not really for me. Distraction-free living is like a form of prison and makes me anxious. That's why I have a smartphone. But on a cruise, where the internet comes at a Great Cost - around 75 cents a minute unless you get it in bulk - I'll only have writing to keep me entertained. Or I'll go crazy.

So here I am, in the middle of the ocean writing this thing you're reading instead of watching a movie, cruising Twitter or attending a comedy hypnotist show that bills itself as one of the greatest in the world. But there may be time for that on the ship tomorrow. It's a whole day at sea and my head is already pounding like crazy just anticipating typing more of this out.

And so far, I've not only managed to knock out a few pages, contemplated throwing myself overboard and seen a few places along the way, but I lost 14 lbs. (It may have more to do with the endless pacing from anxiety than healthful living, but I'll take it.)

Want to lose weight, make friends, combat Internet addiction and writer's block? Form your own Workshop at Sea! Or better yet, pay me to make your writing dreams come true and I'll organize a bunch of you to come on a boat with me and tell each other our mediocre scribblings are, 'On the Write Track'? Because after spending nearly a month at sea, guru-ing seems like a more fun than struggling with this stuff alone, finally freeing me to enjoy myself by the pool until that drives me crazy too.

[scales-and-feathers]

I don't think anybody except perhaps one of our readers (hi @followthetime 🧡) remembers "In Time" of the year of our lord 2013 and though it is a trash where women's makeup stays flawless no matter what they've been through and which manages to both condemn and glorify capitalism (though that's definitely not a tangent I'm getting into anytime soon, I talk about politics in my university enough to last me a lifetime) but there's one scene in it that's brilliant.

The mother's run scene.

It opens with the protagonist's mother (who's not given the benefit of being named. broke: it's because of sexist writing because she's just a prop to get the plot started; woke: her true name is too powerful and influential to be said aloud.) headed home after she pays her bills. She's calm and relaxed, with the weight of financial debts lifted off her shoulders, assured that she'll see her loving son soon, her bus arrives, she cheerfully greets the driver: "To Dayton~" and his reply is like a crack of a whip

"Two hours."

quick exposition: in this movie people don't age after their 25th birthday, having been genetically enhanced by clocks instilled in their forearms that count the time they have left to live and that time is also used as currency. this makes no sense except for one or two well-executed metaphors for real financial stuff so don't think on it too hard

She snaps her hand back instantly (probably a gained reflex, she's been at living in ghetto for fifty years): she has only an hour and a half. And it's a two hour walk to her home.

That's where this movie briefly gets brilliant.

Like, the way she grappled with the nearness of death (she's seen it happen to people around her but she didn't, in her heart, truly believe it would happen to her, and hell if that's not the dumbest and most human and most heartbreaking assumption): arguing, pleading with the driver, irrationally stopping to beg for help (because surely someone, anyone would give her a minute, half an hour, anything, right? right??), not believing that such an unusually good day could go so horribly wrong, and then running frantically, not stopping for a second, terrified

And her son's denial, too: the way he waits for her with flowers when the bus arrives, so happy, so relieved, so eager, his confusion when she doesn't come out with the people exiting, him looking inside the bus, searching for her, the very palpable, human, fatal lingering because of disbelief, because surely, surely it wouldn't happen to his mom, right, right??

He runs to meet her, to save her, and: her genuinely absolutely happy smile when she sees him, as though she never for a second doubted him, his "mom? mom!!!", first questioning, unsure, and then so helpless and childish...

Ugh that scene is just so,, palpable and human and brilliant because of it, like, that sole scene

The movie goes down from there but heck. So unexpectedly great

[dxlfhotch]

here i am giving you full lyrics and my interpretation and everything, this took so long to write so please feel free to cry with me. I did a mix of all different kind of Mitski songs from different albums and genre's shes done.

Emily Prentiss

"Me and My Husband"

of course i had to do this song, it can fit her and Doyle or if you're a hotchniss shipper I suppose you could apply this song to them too, depending on the tones, everyone has a different perspective of this song.

["I steal a few breaths

From the world for a minute

And then I'll be nothing forever

And all of my memories

And all of the things I have seen

Will be gone/But me and my husband

We're doing better

It's always been just him and me

Together

So I bet all I have on that

Furrowed brow/And I am the idiot with the painted face

In the corner, taking up space

But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved"]

"Your Best American Girl"

lyrics and guitar just felt like it matched her tbh, it was either this or Frances Forever, but im indecisive as fuck

["Don't wait for me, I can't come

Your mother wouldn't approve of how my mother raised me

But I do, I think I do

And you're an all-American boy

I guess I couldn't help trying to be your best American girl

You're the one

You're all I ever wanted

I think I'll regret this"]

"Nobody"

this could apply to most cm characters, but after she faked her death? Yep. Cant put lyrics bc tumblr is being fruity

Spencer Reid

oh boy is this bitch mentally ILL yet again who isn't theres so many ones that can apply to him oh lord

"Class Of 2013"

AHAHHAHA yea,,,, hes mommy issues to the max. I think the lyrics apply to his thoughts of 'i had to grow up to take care of you, i wish you could've just taken care of me instead' kind of thoughts, its all self explanatory.

["Mom, I'm tired

Can I sleep in your house tonight?

Mom, is it alright

If I stay for a year or two?

Mom, I'll be quiet

It would be just to sleep at night

And I'll leave once I figure out

How to pay for my own life too

Mom, would you wash my back?

This once, and then we can forget

And I'll leave what I'm chasing

For the other girls to pursue

Mom, am I still young?

Can I dream for a few months more?"]

"Why Didn't You Stop Me"

Again fairly self explanatory, season 2/3 Reid with his drug problems and him having to get over Gideon leaving, boy oh boy

["I know that I ended it, but

Why won't you chase after me?

You know me better than I do

So why didn't you stop me?

Why didn't you stop me

And paint it over?

I look for a picture of you

To keep in my pocket

But I can't seem to find one

Where you look how I remember

Look how I remember

Look how I remember

Paint it over"]

"First Love/Late Spring"

theres way too many songs that relate but just read these fucking lyrics man

["Lately I've been crying like a

Tall child

So please hurry leave me

I can't breathe

Please don't say you love me/And I was so young

When I behaved

Twenty five

Yet now I find

I've grown into

A tall child

And I don't wanna go home yet

Let me walk to the top of the big night sky"]

Penelope Garcia

oh my sweet girl garcia,,,,

"Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart."

If you think about when she got shot by that guy she met at the coffee shop, she said something across the lines of "guys like that don't look at girls like me and think I'm beautiful" and hhahahhahahah broke my heart

[" So I don't blame you

If you want to bury me in your memory

I'm not the girl I ought to be, but

Maybe when you tell your friends

You can tell them what you saw in me

And not how I turned out to be

There is some kind of burning inside me

It's kept me from falling apart

And I'm sure that you've seen what it's done to my heart

But it's kept me from falling apart"]

"Strawberry Blonde"

THIS SONG IS SO PENELOPE like ugh last one was sad but shes just so sweet and tries to be happy and hgh i love her also ooh sad song happy beat who knowssss >:)

["I love everybody

Because I love you

When you stood up

Walked away, barefoot

And the grass where you lay

Left a bed in your shape

I looked over it

And I ached/ You tell me you love her;

I give you a grin

Oh all I ever wanted was a

Life in your shape

So I follow the white lines

Follow the while lines

Keep my eyes on the road

As I ache"]

Derek Morgan

"I Will"

i actually found this song from an edit of Morgan and Spencer's friendship, and i cried a bit. I feel like this song is his need to take care of his loved ones, same with Hotch, that protective nature he has to make sure everyone's okay.

[" So stay with me

Hold my hand

There's no need

To be brave

And all the quiet nights you bear

Seal them up with care

No one needs to know they're there

For I will hold them for you"]

"Door"

oh haha you thought it was gonna be a happier song? no fuck you (ily) ahhah remember in season two they talked about his childhood? I think you know where this is going. C*rl B*f*rd. Yep. its really fucking sad and he deserves better and the lyrics hurt.

["There is a door to me

I've never seen it

Sometimes I get closer to it

But I've never found it

At twilight I almost had it

But then the night fell

I looked out at the dark and wondered

How could I have lost it?

Then one night at the park

I saw it with my cheek in the dirt

I couldn't move underneath the dark

But at least I finally found it

It cried out a creak and opened

To show me what's beyond it

A hopeless, a violence

I named it love"]

Aaron Hotchner

good lord all the shit they hinted at his childhood and his dad, plus everything that happened in the show oh boy oh boy

"Washing Machine Heart"

while i really believe this song could fit legit aNYONE on the team it reminds me of hotch the most. him going through his divorce, strauss giving him shit and just everything,, jesus

["Baby, though I've closed my eyes

I know who you pretend I am

I know who you pretend I am

Do mi ti

Why not me?

Why not me?"]

"Last Words of a Shooting Star"

after haley died he was probaly sad as fuck and ahhahahha lyrics oh boy

["And I am relieved that I'd left my room tidy

They'll think of me kindly

When they come for my things

They'll never know how I'd stared at the dark in that room

With no thoughts

Like a blood-sniffing shark

And while my dreams made music in the night

Carefully

I was going to live"]

"A Pearl"

the lyrics,,, i have a hard time explaining but just listen to it smh

["Sorry I don't want your touch

It's not that I don't want you

Sorry I can't take your touch

There's a hole that you fill

You fill, you fill

But it's just that I fell in love with a war

And nobody told me it ended

And it left a pearl in my hand

And I roll it around

Every night, just to watch it glow

Every night, baby, that's where I go

Just to watch it glow"]

Jennifer Jereu

she lost her sister at a young age and she definitely feels a lot of empathy for families of victims, especially with her own kids at home

"Pink in the Night"

jemily vibes? yea if you want tbh

["I could stare at your back all day

I could stare at your back all day

And I know I've kissed you before, but

I didn't do it right

Can I try again, try again, try again"]

"Fireworks"

remember when she got kidnapped and they didnt pay much attention to her trauma? yea this just reminds me of that

["One morning this sadness will fossilize

And I will forget how to cry

I'll keep going to work and you won't see a change

Save perhaps a slight gray in my eye

I will go jogging routinely

Calmly and rhythmically run

And when I find that a knife's sticking out of my side

I'll pull it out without questioning why

And then one warm summer night

I'll hear fireworks outside

And I'll listen to the memories as they cry, cry, cry"]

i definitely will update this later and do this with more artists, theres a lot I missed and feel like i need to add more AHHHHHHH

EDIT: LMAO WHOOPS I FORGOT ROSSI whatever ill add him and Alex and other characters like that later bc nnmmnhhjm MISTKI

i should kin assign criminal minds characters Mitski songs 😁 see how you hoes feel about that