#ugh just be self aware. i dont wanna make a big deal of this or have this post pinned bc i just its best if i dont draw attention at all bu

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket,Se03, Ep 8 (part 1)

“ I hate myself, so much, so intensely, so completely, I wish I just go away, disappear for good, & yet in the end, I always protect myself, instead of taking responsibility, I run away every damn time, like now, I’m too scared to even look at your face”. The real kyo under the layers of trauma.

This quotation is why this ep is not abt romance. Instead it is abt: Extreme self-loath, faulty coping mechanism, self-awareness & inability to make correct decisions due to suicidal thoughts & non-existent self-worth.  

This is a guy who’s literally seen death TWICE at the age of 4 & 15 (his mom & kyoko), is trying to avoid the THIRD (tohru’s) & is questioning why the FOURTH isnt happening (his own death).

-The layers of a broken self: Excellent writing:

I applaud the writer for choosing fitting methods to portray her characters’ own trauma. Yuki “ prince” mask & tohru’s “i’m okay” mask were fitting to hide their trauma & uncover the real personalities. However, since kyo would be the character to hide secrets & carry guilt, the viewers need to feel he’s hiding sth w/o knowing what it is. It was done cleverly to (a) tie the plot together, (b) build kyo’s character, (c) fit the climax, (d) suit his trauma of severe guilt & self-loath. Some of the things he does can fit two genuine layers: Both layers are true:

His initial refusal to open up to tohru in early se01. (Surface layer): he doesn't know how to interact with ppl who accept him as he confessed to shigure, (Deeper layer): he avoided tohru cuz he knew her!

He initially refused to join leisure activities & trips: hot spring & kyoto trip (Surface layer): he didn’t want to go with yuki (Deeper layer) he didnt want to spend time with tohru as he was unconsciously feeling that he’s stealing from her.

It killed him to see her true lonely self behind her fake mask & approached her with advice. se1, ep5 (grandpa house), se1, ep23 (sick tohru), se2, ep 8 (hiro’s remarks) & other instances.  (Surface layer): he was noticing her issues, & genuinely wanted to help her cuz he’s kind (Deeper layer) he was falling in love w/her & unconsciously wanted her to be happy with HIM.

There were times when there was ONE layer, such as: kyoko’s 1st grave visit. He was so off, rigid, unresponsive, & completely shut down. Everybody read him. Yuki, tohru, Arisa & hana. they just don’t know why he behaving like that. his trauma manifested itself deeply that he apologized to tohru in her sleep cuz he was “ too scared to even look at your face”.

- Kyo’s trauma takes physical shape: (Clutching his heart: PAIN, clutching his stomach : DISGUST) :

While confessing to tohru, kyo’s features spoke volumes. You can see disrepair, guilt, broken soul, sadness & surrender. His body reflected his emotions:

wide eyes (disbelief), Cat eyes (utter fear)

trembling body (overwhelmed with toxic emotions)

clutching his fists (anger at self) , opening fists (surrender to darkness)

hand covering face (shame), Hand around neck as he finished confessing abt kyoko & yuki (desire for death: the final judgement)

The most focused physical appearance was his fist clutching his heart: he was in so much pain as he narrated how he loved kyoko & found a friend in her, desired to make her happy, to find tohru for her, how his his mom withered away out of fear of him & how pitiful & sad he felt towards tohru for loving someone like him. It broke his heart to see them all suffer after knowing him. All the love he felt for them squeezed his heart tight, he wanted to pull it & rip it away. Above all, he was sad to loose them all. Sad he can’t be wit them.

Then he clutched his stomach: representing the pure disgust he felt at himself. As he realized that there is no escape from being responsible for their death, as he admitted he illogically blamed yuki, his disgust with himself boiled in his stomach. What kind of disgusting horrible person does that? blame someone illogically? I’m horrible, hateful & utterly undeserving to be forgiven. Being disgusted with one’s own self! oof! it was so well-done with animation!

-Tying Mature Themes with Child Trauma:

Through kyo’s story, there were different mature themes that excellently dictate his behavior, mentality & emotional well-being: Excellent writing!

(1) The desperate need for self-worth: To be good for once!

by constantly destroying his self-worth thro contempt (the sohmas), rejection (his mom), hate (his father), pity (kazuma/ kagura, initially), kyo searched for an outlet to be a worthy human. Someone who deserves to be loved for who he is. He found that in kyoko. It is brilliant that kyo didn’t look for a mom in kyoko. He called her “ old hag”, she told him unflattering facts abt herself “ neglecting her daughter”. she was his first real friend. He found comfort being with her. He wanted to return the intimate feeling he felt deep down, kyo is so hung up on giving as much as taking as it contradicts the notion of pity. The opportunity came! Helping her find her daughter! being someone who does good! Return the daughter & feel worthy of being a true friend, a man (aka a person). “ i’ll help her, I’ll protect her for sure! it’s a man’s promise” The promise in its core is abt kyo wanting to be a person. Not a monster, or a cat. A true real boy. Away from all the toxic past emotions. Being a man: means being a big boy (person) with good achievements! All this shattered when a better boy beats him to it. The boy who was always praised, loved & respected! kyo’s self-worth diminished greatly & all the toxic emotions came back!

(2) The downfall of faulty coping mechanism: Creating a Bad Guy:

I stated before that one of my fave scenes of kyo was in se02, ep23 when kyo lashed out at yuki on the stairs upon seeing the hat & how yuki felt nothing but pity towards kyo as he was stuck in the past while yuki moved on. Brilliant scene that explains why one moved on & the other didn;t. Yuki’s faulty coping mechanism was being withdrawn & shutting himself. This coping mechanism didnt make him feel better at all!!! Also, he doesn’t have regrets nor sins, he dealt with his faulty coping mechanism with tohru’s help & the school council & healed gradually. Forever loving the writer for writing the distinction between kyo & yuki logically without painting any as monster in reality. Kyo couldn’t do as yuki for the following reasons: ( remember the old theme of everybody heals on their own pace? love it )

(a) He was addicted to shifting the blame as it made him feel better abt himself!! he shifted his thoughts from “ I wanna go away for good” “ mom, why didn’t you kill me instead” to “ it’s not my fault at all, it’s yuki” No match between the two feelings! one leads to suicide, the other leads to feeling like a mere victim. The two feelings are wrong tho & He knows that! he isn’t ready to stop the drug. He can’t face himself. “ the bad guy, if he isn’t as awful as you think, who you’re left to blame”.

(b) nothing around him can make him feel better. Tohru? but she’s kyoko’s daughter! she’s a lonely orphan, carrying her mommy’s pic taking to it! why? cuz you didn't save her! Loving tohru? is good & I wish we can run away far & be together always! wake up! why would she wanna be with a disgusting monster like you?!! You dont deserve her! you who caused his mom to die, caused her mom to die, blamed an innocent guy! Yuki? yeah, look at yuki, you can never be like him, watch as his true kindness gets noticed by tohru, the school & everybody!! he’s everything you cant be!! he should be with tohru! not you!! Master kazuma? poor guy! you brought him nothing but misery! you see his sad smile, don’t you? he’s disappoint in you. Kagura? she pities you!

(b) Kyo can’t fix his mistakes. kyo watched as yuki got back with his brother, befriended haru again, goes back to the sohma estate for the holidays. he feels he cant have similar reweds as he cant bring the things he needed. his mom, kyoko, his bio dad’s affection, kazuma’s pride in him, tohru’s love & his own satisfaction at himself. kyo just hates kyo “so much, so intensely, so completely”

(c) his fault coping mechanism mirrors his dad’s. Kids pick up toxic habits from parents all the time. Even his suicidal thoughts mirrors his mom’s! brilliant writing!

3- running away from responsibilities: perfectly constructed theme!

Who didn’t? I’m guilty! ugh! one of the best themes in furuba hands down! Any other writer would have made kyo do it once, or twice & have him face it in climax & then deal with it. but NOT takaya-san! She excellently took her time with kyo repeating this exact mistakes over & over to better portray the theme & take it out from the boundaries of story-telling to realistic depiction & logical gradual progression:

kyo ran away from being accused of killing his mom (he’s completely innocent & isn’t responsible for his birth’s deformity/curse nor his mom’s suicide)

kyo ran away from accepting kyoko’s words that yuki isnt bad & most importantly that kyo is good. He had found relief in blaming yuki, now you wanna tell me I should look into myself? I’m bad! i dont wanna look. your words are weird “ no bad or good”  Everybody says otherwise, the sohmas, dad & mom! kyo angrily ran away (completely guilty but excused as child would be).

kyo ran away from facing kyoko’s body & wanted to punish himself with death. Depression took over him as “ master tried to get me to keep living”. (completely guilty in his own eyes, if only he tried to safe her, even if he transformed, Even if she still died regardless!!! he hates himself for choosing the disgusting kyo over the kind kyoko)

kyo ran away from telling tohru the truth upon seeing her, pretended not to know her, slowly dying each time she smiles, slowly falling in love & wishing for a chance with her, a chance he believes doesn't deserve.

Kyo ran away in se01, ep14 when remembering the accident as shigure  triggered him. Tohru consoled him & he lost the chance to come clean.

kyo is running away now. Unable to face her “ too scared to even look at your face”. “ I cant forgive me! I dont want you to fogive me either”

So, after running away the first time, kyo should’ve learned better, right? now in the climax, he shouldn’t  have run away? Yes, he should. cuz simply, he isnt ready. We dont learn from our mistakes cuz someone told us. we learn when we fix the core issue. A guy who thinks he deserves a chance in life would stand tall, confess his sins, argues, talks, tells the story unbiased,  then waits for verdict. kyo thinks he doesn’t deserve to be alive, thus, tells the story with server bias towards judging himself as unworthy. HE decided the verdict & didnt wait for tohru: “ I cant forgive ME! I dont want you to forgive me either” That’s why toru’s words fall flat. “ why cant you see the truth: I love you” he can’t tohru!! cuz right now it is NOT abt love. It is abt trauma!

4- Sever guilt & desire for disappearance (death):

As adults our mistakes loom over us & we’re constantly reminded of the “ what if I had acted differently”. This ties with kyo witnessing his mom’s horrible death at 4 years old. Death in itself is scary. A loved ones death is devastating. Watching it unfold in shocking unprepared way is destructive. kyo was destroyed. Not enough: he gotta carry the guilt as his dad & the sohma hammer the accusations. He gets another chance & loves another person. Only to watch the blood splash reach his shoes. “Guilty” whispers the past. “Guilty” confirms the present. He stands in front of the most precious person to him. Now what? If tohru forgives you, the pain goes away???? You wouldn’t repeat the ultimate mistake of killing her, would you? you ominous creature. Her mom warned you. The nightmare stands hovering over kyo’s head, waiting to come true. IT WILL COME TRUE!!! OMG!!!

if Akito does it. It wouldn’t be kyo’s fault, right?  If the car hit kyoko, it’s not my fault, right? if my mom did it herself, it wouldn’t be my fault, right?

But if only kyo didnt ran away, tohru would be alive. If only I pulled kyoko, she wouldn’t have died. If only I wasn’t born, mom wouldn't have killed herself.

The “ if only “ that killed kyo’s mom as she lamented “ if only I gave birth to the rat” will eventually destroy kyo! ugh!!! AMAZING WRITING!!!

5- The Right Time to Heal (self-desire or outside help?):

When yuki was trapped in Akito’s room, haru visited to help. did yuki accept it? NO. yuki didnt even remember much of it. Why? cuz it wasn’t the right time & yuki was too deep into darkness to notice, to accept & to change. It wasnt until he was out, in co-ed school, rebelling against akito, when tohru came, he accepted her, then it lead him to accept School Council & haru. Tohru had Arisa & hana, but never went to them in her darkest moment, hiding she was living in a tent, they were hurt & confronted her, still she kept hiding her fears, sadness & darkest thoughts, interfering in Arisa’s life to provide help, but never allowing them to interfere, until kyo came & broke her mask, she started to complain, talk, show true emotions & want things! She opened up to Isuzu, too. Arisa & hana weren’t the right ppl at the right time for tohru to heal. Kyo had kazuma to teach him better, kyoko to make him notice his mistakes, tohru to love him unconditionally, the right ppl, but all that was in the wrong time cuz he’s in his darkest moment now like yuki was, unable to see or accept. Healing requires self-desire & outside help, but it gotta be in the right moment, when you can see beyond the abyss & into the faint light of dawn. That’s when words will reach the heart. Kyo need to fall so hard, in order to stand up again. Today, he unloaded his burden, threw up the disgust he felt towards himself, spewed all the hate against the real bad guy: himself! Kyo is kyo’s bad guy, has always been. He needs to let go of hating himself & accept the kind gentle kyo that kyoko & tohru saw ~

Side Notes:

This ep is why furuba wins & deserves 20 years of recognition among manga-readers! this story is real! it is NO sweet fairy tale of two lovers. It is abt one’s self & desire to live. All of them struggle with  this particular desire: kyo, tohru, yuki & the rest.

kid kyo was looking for young tohru all night! T_T

this ep of kyo confessing/ narrating his past , reminded me of yuki’s 3 eps of him confessing/ narrating his past!!! ugh! I wish tohru had that! ahhhh.

The 4 months in the mountains weren’t training!!!!! they were depression & suicidal thoughts! ouch!!

Perspectives are what dictate our feelings: Through yuki’s eyes, kyo was so happy with a loving father, friends around him & a house outside the sohmas. Thus, yuki envied him & wished to die not knowing kyo was living in trauma & feeling utter contempt & self-loath. Through kyo’s eyes, yuki was so happy with a living loving family, friends around him & a house with respect. Thus, kyo envied him & wished to die Not knowing that yuki was suffering abuse & neglect!

I love the pacing of this ep!!! It gives room to feel pain & understand the situation!!! I didn’t feel the headache of the bullet train!! THANK GOD!!! SO SATISFIED!!! I was invested all the time!

kyoko’s “ I’ll never forgive you” really destroyed kyo & went beyond it to destroy her own daughter! AAAAAAHHHH ~ T_T

I have some issues with the “ I forgot” part. It makes no sense that they make him forget the accident only to do the cheap cliff hanger in ep 6, then lazily weave it into his confession to tohru in ep. 8. He always remembered the accident. Apologized to tohru in her sleep in se01. ep14 for that exact accident, Then in se02, ep 9. It was ALWAYS in his mind! ALWAYS. Sorry Mr. Director. very lame try. lol.

The only thing I didn’t like is the music! very weird choices throughout the ep! especially at the end. Why a happy music over kyo’s “ I’m disappointed in you? lol!! its sad & tragic?! weird!!!!

I will talk abt Tohru will be in part 2. (her choice, kyo’s answer to her & the need to let go of her mom, the sohmas & of... kyo.

[drangues]

I can imagine how bad it was, trust me, I live in this hell hole. Anyways, Dazai is absolutely CEO material and Mori is,,, Fitting, for a Shady Businessman. He has that vibe, which I guess makes sense since he’s a mafia boss? But YES I love tiny characters, it’s just very cute??? And fairies are adorable too, I have a weakness for small things. Like Kunikida probably does, even if he won’t admit it. (Nyanon, 1/5)

Though he does have to admit that being Worried about a coworker making Atsushi go Squish is a bit too much stress, so he’ll have to deal with the short period of time he has to get an Excuse to pull out the tiny workplace. But moving on LUCY AND ATSUSHI ARE GREAT AND IM ETERNALLY MAD WE DONT GET MORE INTERACTIONS WITH THEM, I wanna see them dorking off togetherrr- And just bonding in general, there’s potential there! It needs using!!! But yeah, she would be. SO MAD. (Nyanon, 2/5)

That the ADA pulled that, even if it was unintentional, and Lucy is definitely the sort who is Always ready to fight, so SHES gonna wanna meet them in the Denny’s parking lot at three am, even if Atsushi says it isn’t a big deal (two be honest these two WILL go feral for each other, not in a romantic way but both of them will brush off being stabbed unless you also stab the other and it’s great, do you know what I mean). I’m torn on what comfort food they’d make though? (Nyanon, 3/5)

I mean, ochazuke. Obviously- But what’s Lucy’s favorite food? Does she have one??? Hm... Well, either way, I bet she makes cute latte art on coffee for them! They probably curl up in a pile of blankets and pillows and stuffed animals and cuddle. Listen if I have to experience the Feelings, so! Do! You!!! That aside, onto another Dazatsu Concept- Which might also be an AU, I guess: So, I’ve gone down the hole of yanderes! (Nyanon, 4/5)

And that made me think of when there was discussion of Dazai taming his own Yandere tendencies, which gave me an idea- What if a self aware, Yandere Dazai had to protect Atsushi from another Yandere character, who had no qualms with doing whatever they felt necessary to get Atsushi? I feel there would be much shenaniganry with Dazai having to play keep away, both darker and funnier. (Nyanon, 5/5)

tbh i would love to have an au where mori is dazais dad and is actually a very caring dad buT THATS JUST ME WANTING EVERYONE IN A SHOW BEING A NICE PERSON AWOWHEJKLSDs

IM ALSO MAD ATSUSHI AND LUCY DONT GET INTERACTIONS TOO LIKE PLS IM BEGGING I WANNA SEE MORE </3 theyre just THAT good and protective of each other and about lucy’s favourite food. Hm . godamn. i read about the real life author a bit and she loves nature so i think lucy would love to just. eat a whole platter of fruit if that makes sense?? i think her love language is cutting up fruit and atsushi cuts up all the fruits she wants when shes in a bad mood UGH (and yes i am well aware, i also feel the same, if i have to experience feelings so do YOUUU)

G O D YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT IDEA OF YANDERE DAZAI IT JUST. WOW <3333 ITS MY FAVOURITE THING EVER

but hmmm if he meets with another yandere that cant control themselves what would he do?? i feel like dazai would DEFINITELY at first run a background check on the person, look for where they live, their social medias, and observe the person. at first atsushi wont notice that something is off with the person until he starts getting uncomfortable (but cant say anything cus he keeps brushing it off)

and dazai is the one to tell him that the person is being creepy which atsushi then agrees a bit and dazai just thinks “two can play this game” . i feel like there would be a scene where dazai literally stalks the yandere and meets them one on one to give them a fair warning

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, 3.18.2017

this week: lorde’s back!; the oxford comma as indicator of song quality; requiem for “Run Up,” the song only i like

28) "Stay," by Zedd & Alessia Cara

I dunno. I kept just kinda wishing the song would actually be "Closer," by The Chainsmokers ft./Halsey, instead of this acceptable "Closer" substitute. It didn't hit me the same way even "It Ain't Me" did a couple weeks back. There's nothing here. It's a sad song executed with competency, nothing more, possibly something less. Honestly, it exited my mind while I was typing this.

34) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos

OH MY GOODNESS I DIDN'T KNOW FRANK OCEAN AND MIGOS KNEW HOW TO BE THIS BREEZY. This song kind of sounds like the first time either party has had anything like fun in years. It's almost like they've grown unfamiliar with the concept and are attempting to reacquaint themselves, like, there’s a brief auto-tune rap part, and hearing auto-tune rap over a non-trap track was the most jarring experience I've had in 2017 to date (non-Trump division). I think this song's a grand ol' time on the whole, though! I'm not as big on it as some people, as indicated by all the reactions and covers I found on YouTube instead of the song (UGH YOU MADE ME GET MY PHONE YOU JERKS), but there's a lot of value in a (potential) megahit that's funky and not ponderous.

37) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna

This is so far from my idea of what a Future song is that I was honestly concerned when it started up when I was listening to HNDRXX. I almost feel bad that I'm sort of lukewarm on HNDRXX as a whole, simply because, when it's on, it's really dope, it really justifies the collective effort we've been sinking into Future for the past couple of years. I don't know that there's anyone else on Future's level that's capable of making a song like this. ...I'm kinda just making sweeping generalizations about this song that don't really dive into the meat of it, am I. WELL OKAY HERE'S THAT THING NO ONE WANTS. I really love the idea of a couple admitting they want to be one person and they want to be a selfish person, the couple only wants to think about the couple, is a really interesting metaphor, and Future and Rihanna give really strong vocal performances (didja know, rihanna's good at this) that lend the song this really sad edge, so it still feels as self-loathey as the rest of Future's work.

48) "Comin Out Strong," by Future ft./The Weeknd

This is more standard Future, just slow, depressing meandering over a trap beat. Like, I dunno. It's kind of like "Stay," that song I barely remember from earlier, it's just a sad song done well enough I guess. It's a waste of a Weeknd cameo, honestly, like you're gonna get The Weeknd in here and have him just do this? A'ight, man. I dont get it, but it's your world.

78) "Make Love," by Gucci Mane ft./Nicki Minaj

I think I'm just cranky today. Woke up at 3 AM, had a boring day at Job, now I have to deal with this go-nowhere song where neither party sounds like they're really interested in what they're doing. Maybe I oughta take a breather, no one exepcts this the day the chart drops, no one even expects this, I can come back tomorrow. But man. Listening to this song feels like going to a restaurant and getting in line behind someone who's never been to that restaurant before and has to ask about all the menu options. "Is the orange chicken good?" Man we're at fucking Leeann Chin how could it possibly be good. And you're kinda looking across the way at the other restaurants and wondering what might've been, but you're in too deep, you committed to this place, and you're go -- yep, she took the green beans. Great. Now you either have to wait for green beans or order one of the lesser sides. YES I'M AWARE THIS STOPPED BEING AN ANALOGY AND NOW I'M COMPLAINING ABOUT SOME RUBE AT THE LEEANN CHIN, POINT IS, THIS SONG BLOWS.

89) "Losin Control," by Russ

I feel lied to. I feel fucking lied to, Russ. There is a certain promise in the title "Losin Control." I was banking on this promise. I was hoping, after a lesser Future song and "Make Love," that this would be a delightful party jam about making bad decisions at a nightclub. What the fuck is this. What the goddamn fuck IS this, Russ. What is this moaning slow-ass dumb fuckery. The best thing that can be said for this song is that Russ himself is not a character in the song, that he is the one to be patient with the broken woman and be a better man worthy of her love. Thank you for at least doing the bare fucking minimum, Russ. We had "Run Up" a month ago. "Run Up" was a fun, tropical party song worthy of your love and respect. I'm bouncing it to #4 on my chart this week, out of respect for what the top three songs are able to do on the chart, but I still believe in "Run Up" with every fiber of my being. Y'all are telling me you wanna listen to some fuckhead with a manbun plaintively whine a sad story about a girl who got cheated on the one time. I can't possibly imagine hating this world more.

92) "God, Your Mama, and Me," by Florida Georgia Line ft./Backstreet Boys

NOW WHAT I DID AT THE END RIGHT THERE, THAT'S WHAT WE CALL A SET-UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus FUCKING Christ this is a thing that actually exists. I mean, it's pathetic. There's so little effort put into the song that it's not even insincere. The fact that, in the list of people who love the girl, the dudes in Florida Georgia Line LITERALLY REPLACE HER FATHER is unconscionably gross, like oh my stars fuck that so hard, "That's right, Daddy, I love your little girl more than you," SO GROSS. There is one saving grace in this song, the Oxford comma in the title, but even THAT speaks to how inauthentic and manufactured and fucking gross this song is: does anyone honestly think, if this song were really country, anyone would care enough to observe semi-antiquated punctuation usage and include an Oxford comma in the song title? BECAUSE THEY FUCKING WOULDN'T. The Oxford comma illustrates that this song comes from the suits in corporate, demanding a hit be delivered AND THAT IT BE OVERTLY CHRISTIAN. Goddamned pathetic.

96) "Hometown Girl," by Josh Turner

country music is sort of a form of low fantasy at this point. it's just a bunch of dudes sitting around, taking about a place that has never existed, thinking about people who have never lived. like real talk, swap the cowboy hats for big-ass fake swords and replace the guitars with dice, baby, you've got a game of D&D.

100) "Green Light," by Lorde

It's hard for me to be neutral about this song? Because hey, even divorced from the context of this wretched week, this is really dope, I'm stoked Lorde is back and considerably improved, I love that the song's about something mature without going all "HEY GUYS ADULTHOOD = FUCKING" about it, it's just someone moving on from a relationship that stopped being for her (and also Lorde's progression as an artist but pffft fuck that who cares about that part), but after all I went through to get here? THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG OF ALL TIME. Anything that isn’t Florida Georgia Line would earn undying love and respect at this point. (But Josh TI KNOW WHAT I SAID. Still, even if I hear "Green Light" after hearing and thinking about good songs for half an hour, I expect it'll hold up quite well. because Lorde is interesting and Jack Antonoff’s solid and this is just awesome work. LORDE'S BACK! YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!

/sigh/ The Top 20. Yeah, I’m bummed. But “iSpy” and “Issues” and “Despacito” are all at least as good! But like maybe I’m the fool? Maybe I’m just weirdly obsessed with a song that only spent one week on the pop chart? It would be just like me, too, to declare Song of the Year a song that was on the chart for one week in February. Ten years ago, mighta been The Game and Kanye West’s “Wouldn’t Get Far,” this year, it’s “Run Up.” Y’know? (This outro paragraph is a backdoor pilot for YELLIN’ AT SONGS: 2007 EDITION.) 20) "Running Back," by Wale ft./Lil Wayne (2.11) 19) "I'm Better," by Missy Elliott ft./Lamb (2.18) 18) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 17) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 16) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 15) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 14) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 13) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 12) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 11) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 10) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 9) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 8) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 7) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 6) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14)