#ugh im dreading to see what it all costs

[snaxle]

anyways im probably going mega shopping for the first time in months and im really hoping i can go soon before it starts snowing again bc otherwise nobody will take me and i only really get out every 3-4 months and i need to stock up on stuff in the meantime until the next time someone can take me 😭

[rrickgrrimes8]

I’ve Got You ~ Mitch Rapp

Mitch marched into the room - masculinity shrouding every inch of his toned body. Unknowingly to him her attention immediately switched to his presence as soon as he entered. Her eyes lingered and mismerised his entire body - from his chocolate orbs to his flexed bicep - awe and arousal oozed off of her.

If she wasn't in the midst of her own conversation believe me she would be drooling a river over him. "So, (y/n), I would like you to train with someone else - perhaps one of the higher tiers. I don't think that it is working out between you and I. I think you need more of a challenge." Her trainer, Daniel, informed wearing a friendly childlike smile.

Since she started this training program at her gym the employees there which also happen to be all men underestimated her abilities and strength. So because of their ignorance and blatant misogyny they paired her with the - said in the nicest way possible - weakest dude in the whole place. Don't get me wrong Daniel is a good guy and is now a great friend to (y/n) but they clearly aren't the best pair due to the clear superiority of (y/n).

"Yeah... yeah sure who?" She muttered kind of dreading the fact that she would have to leave the only friend she made in this place for probably a disgusting sexist pig. "Ugh well I have no clue who it is but you're meeting him in..." Daniel paused checking his watch, "right now." He smiled sweepingly but the nerves in (y/n) just stared to settle in and a hurricane of anxiety bombarded her. She had never been good with new people let alone people that already see her as a inferior.

"What?! I-I can't do it now. I should have time to prepare -you know like about two weeks and I'll be ready." She informed hopefully but was met with the familiar sound of Daniels chuckle. "Oh c'mon you'll be okay. You need to get out of your comfort zone anyways then maybe you'll get up enough courage to ask out walking muscle man." She shook her head ferociously before breaking out into a burst of laughter at the nickname 'walking muscle man.'

"Excuse me what the hell is a walking muscle man?" (Y/n) chuckled into the palm of her hand while Daniel gave her an amused look. "You know who I am mean (y/n)." He insisted but she shook her head. Daniel leaned in close to her ear and whispered, "Mitch." Her face immediately darkened at the mention of him.

How did Daniel know about my obsession? Is it that obvious? Who else knows? Does everyone know? These thoughts swam around her head like fishes in a tank. Her cheeks were basically inflamed and the nervous tick she had adapted from her childhood of tapping her foot has returned.

"W-what are you talking about?" She whispers back fear evident in her question. "Oh don't act dumb I know you like him. It's pretty obvious." She groaned. "It is?"

"So you admit him?" Daniel clapped back causing (y/n) to fall into a deeper pit of embarrassment. "Oh god." She said burying her head into her hands. "Oh yes." Daniel smiled content with the fact he finally got it out of her.

Daniel had caught on to the fact whenever Mitch ever entered a room her attention was drawn to him regardless of what she is doing at the time - which includes them being in the middle of a boxing match which happened many times and believe him never ends well. He also caught on to the many times she attempted to go up to him and introduce herself but quickly ran away before he noticed.

"Is it really that obvious?" She complained. "Not to anyone but me. You see sweetheart I know you very well indeed and I know for a fact that you cannot take your eyes off of him." Daniel paused looking around the room. "And from the looks of it neither can he." (Y/n)'s head shot up at his comment and furrowed her eyebrows.

"W-what?" Daniel laughed at her like he had been doing for the entirety of their conversation. To say the least it seemed that he was enjoying this little matching making session a little to much for (y/n)'s liking. "Don't look now but a certain Mitchy moo is looking right at you." He said nodding over to where Mitch was stood.

(Y/n) didn't hesitate to shoot her head over to where he pointed and as soon as she did she was met with Mitchs familiar pair of dreamy eyes. As soon as (y/n)'s gaze hit his his head instantly pulled down avoiding her at all cost. "And you looked anyway." Daniel sang. "Shut up." She replied sticking her tongue out at him.

"Oi (y/l/n) aren't you supposed to be training right now?!" Someone bellowed from the other end of the room. "Shit." The (y/h/c) girl collected all of her stuff recklessly and ran off to where she usually had her training sessions but obviously now she wouldn't be so kindly blessed with his presence but now instead she is going to have to do the worst thing imaginable- socialise.

She entered her little room of the gym and placed her stuff down ordering it as best as she can. "Finally I didn't think you'd show up." A deep almost intimidating voice acknowledged her. Usually she wouldn't be so panicked just by one voice but now it panicked her beyond belief knowing who that voice belonged to. Mitch. "I-oh right oh s-sorry was caught with...-"

"With chatting with your boyfriend?" Mitch interrupted coldly while strapping the straps in his boxing gloves. "W-what? Boyfriend? Never!" She spluttered still not facing Mitchs way scared of what kind of shade of red her face had formed this time. "You know very well who I am talking about (y/l/n). I went out there and saw the two of you so don't act dumb. It's not a good look on you or at least I would say that if I could actually see your face but alas it seems that you have lost the ability to face someone other than the guy your fucking." He spat causing (y/n)'s jaw to drop and her eyes slightly water at the tone of his voice - which may I add reminded her of the trauma she came her to overcome.

"T-the guy I'm fucking? I don't understand M-Mitch." She heard Mitch let out a heavy stressful sigh which she guessed was probably accompanied with an eye roll or two. "God you can't be serious." He laughed humourlessly as if it was obvious who he was talking about.

(Y/n) stayed silent waiting for him to actually form a sentence that didn't ask for more questions than answers. "Daniel." He muttered causing (y/n) to spin around a little to fast causing her to begin to fall down. The girl closed her eyes preparing for the hard impact of the ground but instead was embraced by  a pair of toned arms.

"I've got you." He whispered as she opened her (y/e/c) eyes. "I'm not dating, fucking or even thinking about Daniel in that way. I never have and certainly never will. He's just a friend." She reassured him despite not understanding why it mattered so much to him that he need some reassurance.

The words brought a small curve to his plump lips as he held the (y/b/t) girl softly. "Why do you care, Mitch?" (Y/n) finally said breaking the silence that had formed between the pair. "B-because I think I like you." She smiled at him disregarding the feeling that this might be a trick or some sort of weirdly realistic dream and she started to lean in. As their lips inched closer and closer she could tell Mitch was become more anxious by the second.

Just when their lips were about to join Mitch let go. (Y/n) fell back first onto the flooring and surprisingly Mitch accidentally fell too - on top of her. "What the actual fuck, Mitch?" She snapped feeling as if the dream that she was about to experience was completely ripped away. (Y/n) pushed Mitch off of her and sat up waiting for some sort of explanation.

"I-I'm s-sorry." Mitch said not even making a move of getting up but instead completely giving up and just laid there - heart broken. "I thought you said you liked me." The now sat upright girl spoke timidly the tears building up rapidly. "I do." The broken man admitted. "Then why did you let go?"

"I'm scared." (Y/n) was shocked with his confession clearly not expecting the great Mitch Rapp to admit when he's scared of something but now the question is - what? "Scared of what Mitch? Of me?" She asked fear dripping from every syllable.

"Yes! No! Maybe! Kinda! I don't know (y/n). I don't know anything except that I like you and I'm scared." Mitch bursted his hands subconsciously running through his dark hair. (Y/n)'s eyes narrowed in on me hoping for a better explanation than what he had shown so far.

"I-i lost someone. Someone really important to me- someone I loved. A-and now I have to figure out a way to understand how to get by without her. Looking at what am I now compared to three months back I'm better, yes, but not fixed. And with you despite not even having a conversation I feel at peace and sometimes when I just watch you train or eat lunch or anything I sometimes forget about that person. And that makes me hate myself. Then when I almost kissed you that made the hate I have inside overflow." Mitch paused looking over at the teary eyed girl.

"I-it just feels like I'm falling. Like I'm falling from the tallest building I've ever seen and no matter how long I fall for I never hit the ground and you have no idea how much I wanna hit the ground. But I also know if I do hit the ground then I'll lose myself and all the steps I have taken to change from that broken person I was. I want to hit the ground because I want to stop falling but maybe instead of meeting the ground maybe I need someone to catch me. I know I need someone to catch me. So I'm scared hell im petrified b-because I think that person might be you." Mitch concluded his voice cracking at different points and his eyes wouldn't dare to look at her anymore not after the amount of over sharing he just did.

He closed his eyes ready to attempt to settle his thoughts thinking that maybe (y/n) had just left due to the shock bomb he had just dropped on her until a pair of soft perfect lips landed on his. He immediately kissed back grabbing the sides of her face deepening the kiss of that was possible. (Y/n) pulled away causing him to reluctantly open his eyes to see her red and puffy ones.

"I've got you."

[ikenugs]

I was literally just thinking of what new thing I should fantasize in my head about, and that's when my dad called me to say good night. As like everyone in my family says, "Goodnight, love you" or something along the lines and gives each other a hug. So the Mc really missing the same practices her parents used to do, as she had an affectionate family. While also being too afraid to ask anyone about it, especially Nobunaga.

Ikesen Scenarios~ Goodnight Hugs

And here she found herself in the meeting room, yet again being dragged from the comfort of her bed and bearsace. Agriculture was a very important part of Azuchi's economic structure and was thought to produce some of the ripest crops around. Though along with that, to have the ability to cultivate the land, the farmers had to acquire the right materials and skillfully use them. The Oda had just received fertile land a little to the east, so this meeting was mainly about transporting supplies there and investing the money for the supplies. Though she didn't recall much that she learned in school on Japanese history, she found this sorta thing a bit interesting. Obviously, it's different reading it from a textbook you've been staring at for hours, then actually experiencing and observing farmers. Watching them plow fields instead of using huge machines that pollute the Earth, like they do in the future. She hadn't seen anything beyond Azuchi's bustling shopping area, aside from the woods and Honno-Ji. So it'd be nice to see more of ancient Japan. She was still very sleepy, and blah blah money, blah leader accounting financial stuff. And you could occasionally see the drool falling from her mouth, as she dozed off. Though she did brighten up when they began decided who would deliver the supplies. Which ended up being Masamune, as he was 'itching to get out and cause some mischief somewhere else' resulting in a whack from Hideyoshi. Besides that he glanced over at her with his signature cheeky grin, "Would you like to accompany me, Lass?" Now that wasn't an offer she could just refuse, again, a bit of adventure couldn't hurt. She wondered how different their lives were compared to Azuchi. "Well, that would be lovely, only if I'm not a burden." Which she could see the unmistakable glint of mischief in his eyes, and knew there was more than just and invite to deliver materials. For all she knows, that look could mean he's gonna set a tree on fire and tie her to it. Maybe throw a dagger at her while he's at it, so this was going to be some journey.

In a commanding tone, Nobunaga officially dismissed them all, though everyone lingered and chatted comfortably. Now that it was over, she couldn't stop herself from imagining the toasty feeling of her bed 'soon my love'. It didn't ease the thoughts that have been pestering her recently though, they were thoughts about her family, ones she missed dearly. She recalled when her father would knock on her door to tell her goodnight and give her a hug. Her loved ones always hugged and wished everyone a 'goodnight, love you', as she grew up in a very affectionate family. So, you could say that she was feeling quite 'touch starved', not in a thirsty way, but a pure one. All the warlords gathered in that very room, we're playing the roles of her Sengoku family, and she loved them all very much. But she missed her old family habits, she was even affectionate towards her friends and loved hugs. So even after being there for a month, it was difficult not to reminisce on her past (or now, future). She didn't notice that she had zoned out in deep thought, her gaze landing right beside Nobu's head. He silently scrutinized her, it seemed as though she wanted something.

"Is there something you need, Emi? You've been staring at me for the past few minutes now." Now she was alert, and apologized sheepishly. "I-im very sorry, I was just thinking about something. And was wondering......um.." Mitsuhide's attention was drawn to the flustered girl before Nobunaga and chuckled a bit 'what could she be on about now?' She tried to begin again, shakily, " uh.... Well, umm.. You see... I" He raised his eyebrow as if to say, 'if you're gonna say something then get on with it' She just started at his desolate frosty eyes, with lack of warmth. Asking him for affection may not be the best, maybe Mitsunari would be easier to ask? "Actually, uh.. I think I'll just go ask Mitsunari, instead.." Emi began to think away from the lord. 'What does Mitsunari have that I don't?' Is what went through his brain as he waited to see what would happen if she asked the sweetheart of their group.

With a blush still dusting her cheeks, she reached a hand and tapped on Nari's shoulder, who turned around with a welcoming smile. "Lady, Emi!!" She giggled at his innocent reaction, her conversations with him were a bit flowier. Yet again she became a little shy, but the friendliness radiating off of the sweet angel gave her the courage to continue. "Mitsunari, .......? Could you give me a hug??" He titled his head for a moment then spoke, "A..........hug?..Well, of course Lady, Emi!" He then embraced her tenderly, what a fricken cinnamon roooooooooooooolllllll.

"Is it comfort that you seek? Because I can't give that to you." Nobu said as monotone as ever, Nari's enthusiasm had drawn all eyes and ears. "So you just wanted to ask for an embrace, then?" She bowed her head a bit towards him and spoke what was bothering her. "Well, yes, but that's not everything. You see I was just missing my family, and we had a practice where before bed we all gave each other hugs and said that we loved each other. And whenever we did that... I got a warm feeling in my chest, it always helped me sleep." They all noticed the wistful look in her eyes, it was difficult to ignore the way her heart ached, a pleading for intimacy. It was a pretty lonely feeling. No one wanted to feel that way, and I guess the loneliness she felt could be understood by the lot. She couldn't see her family for at least two months around 61 days, it was a bit heartbreaking. She did have Sasuke and Bearsace other than the six there, but Sasuke was quiet busy doing Ninja stuff, and Bearsace isn't a person. She even tried expressing her emotion and passion in her sewing, but things like that were just momentary distractions from her inevitable feelings. Even though she was in a bit of a vulnerable state, Mitsuhide being the tease he is decided that this is perfect bait, and he couldn't just let this chance slip by, could he? He chuckled softly, and his eyes sparkled with amusement.

"So, if what my ears are hearing is correct, you want us to express our love for you and embrace you warmly as though you were our wives?" Emi immediately flushed, I guess in this time that would be something only lovers would do. "N-no, of course not, I just want a hug, as you guys are the closest thing to family I have here, " The unmistakable tear in her voice pierced the hearts of even the coldest warlords in the room. Her hair covered her eyes as she bowed down, she had said her family was so far you couldn't point it out on a map, but they were in different TIME PERIODS. But, she couldn't cry, a show of weakness like this one could cost her too many precious things in the Sengoku period. Her actions even made Mitsuhide loss his composure for just a moment, only a second though.

Hideyoshi frowned and looked seriously towards his vassal. "Mitsunari, " "My Lord, should we........?" "I believe it's time..." Mitsunari nodded in understanding. Ieyasu's face turned to one of dread, of pure horror. Mitsuhide raised a singular eyebrow, as Masamune grinned, Nobu remained stoic, though you could see the shine in his cold eyes.

Ieyasu quickly protested, "No........... You must be kidding me, no way. Nuh uh. I refuse to participate in that, not again." She looked up concerned, what could possibly be so awful to have Ieyasu practically running in the opposite direction. Well, actually there are lots of things, having to interact with Mitsunari, acknowledging his emotions, another one of Hideyoshi's lectures, the list just goes on. This time Nobunaga stepped in to assist, "Ieyasu, " He gave a stern unwavering look, "Do you dare.... Betray the Oda by defending the victim due to your lack of being able to process physical--" "Ugh, please stop. Fine. But if you ever speak of this again, you won't wake up the next morning." This caused Mitsunari to break out in a sweet smile.

After their interaction, each one, with Ieyasu a bit more hesitant than the others, began to surround the poor girl trapped in the middle. Even Nobunaga had arose from his dias. They slowly began tightening around her, closing in on their one and only target. 'Victim?! What we're they going to do to her?! Did her declaration define her as too weak?!' Suddenly, they all slowed to a stop, a calm before the storm, a glance passed around the circle, resulting in Emi's pulse to quicken to the pace of lightening. At last, the look ended at Hideyoshi, who gave the final nodding signal.

"GROUP HUG!!!" Rang around the room as the warlords pounced on her, squishing her tight in the middle. She opened her eyes only to see a cluster of the six samurai clutching onto her in a warm embrace. Correction, actually, five samurai, as Ieyasu lingered and watched. Masamune was the first to notice, "Come on Ieyasu, wouldn't it be nice to get in on the action?! Don't be such a sourpuss!" Ieyasu scoffed at his comment, though it did look comfy, and comforting. "Oh, Ieyasu-sama, why don't you come join us?! You'd surely enjoy it!" Mitsunari called to him, that sealed the deal, despite his snide comments towards Nari, he had a bit of a soft spot for the boy. Ieyasu sighed one last time, closed his eyes and walked towards the group. Ending up squished next to the very same angel, their cheeks almost touching.

After a few moments, they backed off only to uncover a beaming Emi. She actually thought they were going to like attack her or something, her heart felt so warm, she felt like poppers we're going off in her chest. In all her excitement she went around the room and hugged each one individually. Ieyasu didn't even deny her this time, her hug with Nobunaga was a bit odd, but still made her feel fuzzy and loved.

"Hey, why does Mitsunari get two hugs?" Masamune asked, "What if I wanted another one?" She smiled brightly again and began moving in for another hug, she never took Masamune as the overly affectionate type. At the last second, she realized his cheeky tactics. "You flirt?!" There was still this feeling on her heart, as they laughed away his attempts. And each said their good night's before the sweet girl skipped out of the council room. A satisfied look on her face. Nobunaga rested his cheek on his palm as he watched her go. Shortly after they heard the crash and concerned apology from their princess.

"What an unusual woman........."

Sasuke's whole face was beet red as he watched the whole situation play out. He could most definitely say he was jealous of the woman, +15 Jealousy gained! Fanboi mode activated! If there was ever a time he wanted to fall through the ceiling tiles, it was then, how lovely it would have been to join the group hug.

"Wow, who knew the Oda were such softies....." Whispered a soft voice behind him, he jumped a bit and had to adjust himself as to not actually fall through the ceiling. "Yuki?!" He had forgotten he brought his BFF along, his fanboi had placed him in his own little world.

Needless to say, she slept very soundly and happily that night..

_____________________________________________

I SWEAR, GET THE HISTORY BOI HIS VERY OWN PERSONAL GROUP HUG! Anyways, but just imagine this scenario, it's like so adorable. Also, Ieyasu had learned what that look meant the hard way, as he hadn't seen Wasabi for a few days and he was a little saddened by that fact, despite claiming Wasabi could run away anytime and he wouldn't care. As Mitsuhide could practically pick up anything, like the sneaky snake he is. It started with a whisper from Mitsuhide to a gasp from Hideyoshi, and with a look from his vassal, he was actually like AMBUSHED and HARASSED with hugs. It did make him feel better, though he'd never admit it lol.

Ieyasu and Mitsunari make such a cute pair don't ya think 😊 (whether platonic or not). Also I realize I forgot to include Ranmaru.. Forgive me for that...

[humankoalaa]

this episode 🤣

camouflage? who dis? we don’t know her. Jefferson suit gots the cure for herpes im convinced.

Lmaaoooo the way Jefferson fell after getting hit in the head 🤣🤣 y’all see how he turned his head? childish.

Jenn breaking my heart rn.

lmao she said “sort of” GIRL IT IS ABOUT KHALIL. ok.

“they might send me to nun school if i do that” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 i love jenn. so damn petty.

she just wants her family and to be normal 😭 protect my bb at all costs.

gambi dead ass casually eavesdropping and drawing a motorcycle that i fully expect to build itself and end world hunger cause gambi is chuck Norris and can do all things through Christ. and then a gun next to him. clearly he’s ready for the reckoning.

wait gambi got lil muscles tho y’all see them arms? hell im gay as hell but them arms i almost questioned if this is the life for me. then i remembered i threw up on a dick once so that’s that.

LMAOOOO looker if you don’t get your teen link looking ass off my screen. ion have the time for this foolishness. “I tried to model myself after you” 🤣🤣 MEANWHILE she says shes not racist. yet she tryna kill the black baby. giiiirrrlllll WhAt iS tHe TrUtH?! just a lil racist orrrr racist when its convenient? I 👏🏾 NEED 👏🏾ANSWERS 👏🏾

jefferson 🤣🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ “no your tshirt would say I killl and hang perdi from trees. YALL IM CRYN. now thats the type is savagery i need from Jefferson. he still the king of L’s but he’s trying.

looker and her peasants got to be the simplest errr kidnappers? in the world? . .. like .. HoW yOu GoNnA eLeCtRoCuTe SoMeOnE wItH IiGhTnInG iN tHeIr NaMe?! 🤣🤣🤦🏾‍♀️ i can’t. i just can’t 😂💀

PAUSE.. anything walks it’s ass or jump out a bag on its own rolling around and shit im gone. fuck the baby moms err body.

KOBE! i see you Lynn.

oooh bih looker done slapped jeff 🤦🏾‍♀️ ANOTHER L for mr. pierce. he’s taken 3 L’s so far in this episode....it’s been 10 minutes. k.

ooooo imma renig on that cause he just beat the cat shit outta them peasants. DAS MY BOIIIIIII!

“thanks for the charge tho” 😂

that no look punch 🤣😩💀 jefferson ain’t here for nobody’s shit rn.

Khalil and jenn rn... pains me to admit this is a beautiful scene.

HE KNOWS. JEFFERSON KNOWS!

anissa in leather. DROOL. i want to thank pigs, buffalos, crocodiles, sheep’s, goats and cows for their professionalism, unrelenting perseverance and loyal devotion to their duties. cause... leather.

episode after episode i say the same thing this gots to be the ghettoest reverend in the world 🤣 like what reverand needs to carry a strap? 😂 lahhddd fix it gzus.

ahh shit here go Tobias.

look at khalil 🤦🏾‍♀️ he gon cry in the car WAYMENT he done took off 😂

Khalil.... so we just gon hide behind trash cans? i promise... you dumber than you look. k.

jenn invented ride or die. fite me!

HENDERSON 😭 ... “is that a baby?” bruh... what it look like?

OOOOOHHH BIH YAAASSSS JENN YAAAASSSSS BABY LIGHTNING USING HER POWERS IM CRYING 😭 ugh they grow up so fast.

khalil lookin at jenn like shes goku from dragonball-z is a mood.

looker wants to be Zelda so bad.

IVE MISSED ANISSA AND THIs DAMN SUIT SO MUCH 😭

i ain’t even see that fight yet but i already know looker and her peasants cants handle and don’t wants dat smoke.

that stomp is just really attractive and like i just wanna be the floor.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 looker... what are those nails gonna do? ugh when will they learn.

maannnn this ain’t even a fair fight. im deeaaddd. looker .. baby.. you tried.. thank u, next.

now i wanna be lookers neck.

thunder clap 🤤 i wanna be her palms 🤣🤣

lol the fact that this bitch needed an entire pick up basketball team to beat anissa.

BOUT GOT DAMN TIME JEFFERSON! the fuck were you doing? stretching?

BRUUUHHHHHH 😦i

anissa going full nerd 😍 im pregnant.

🤣🤣 jeff don’t have the slightest clue what shes babbling about 😩

OMG “please stop” 😩😭

“i will pay you to stop” IM GONE YALL DECEASED.

jeff has officially redeemed himself. all inherited L’s from this episode well... let’s not get ahead ourselves.

MAN GIVE ME THUNDERGRACE OR RUN ME MY FADE.

man they wrong for that 😩 got her thinking her babies are dead 🤦🏾‍♀️

WAYMENT .. where’d her dads dreads go? he just had ablit 14 dreads in his head now they’re gone.. 🤭

lol ty. let me prepare for my demise.

ITS TIME!

anissa causally watching girlfriends cackling like she didn’t just basically kill looker and beat up a basketball team is A+ unintentional comedy. an unbothered Queen i stan.

grace caressimg Anissa’s leg is a whole ass vibe. she wants buns and you can’t tell me otherwise.

chantal and nafessa are beautiful.

“well i know you fine” 🤣🤣

the look grace gave her and anissa just dying is a MOOOODDDDD.

HOLY SHIT.

(sidenote how is grace STILL attractive as a reptile? idk what she is but im so SO down)

I KNEW IT! jefferson just knew that was gambis broken drone 🤣

HIT HIS ASSSS ... then apologize and respect your elders jeff.

soft ass. like jeff you could’ve smacked him first dammit.

lmao and somehow lynn manages to irritate tf outta me with that damn worry face pause blink 😩 i love her tho.

GO AWWFFFF LYNN

snitch.

soooooo jenn can legit errr end humanity? got it. ... we been knew 🙄

ok like i don’t care about this.

seriously jenn 😒 I WAS ROOTING FOR U WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR U!

wow..... they seriously cut thundergrace scenes lololol.

hm... or not?

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[one-shoop]

Watching "clean with me" videos gives me so much anxiety. I know I have too much stuff but it just feels so bad to throw it away. I used to wish I hadnt ever seen a toy/plushie/clothing instead of like, being stuck. And now I just -- I'm torn between feeling overwhelmed and being desperate at keeping stuff that matters to me. I don't know what to do.

This one vlogger talked about how getting rod of stuff wasn't always abou the stuff -- it was about you being able to feel peaceful in your environment. Like, if you can't enter a room without feeling anxious, that's a no-no. Some of the stuff I have give me anxiety like that, or I just dont feel happy about having it. For various reasons, I keep it. But...

Like, there's childhood favorites I can't give. Stuff I promised to look after and it's a promise I can't go back on. Stuff that my sister has a similar item of, and I'd feel bad discarding one of a pair. Stuff I feel used to be a big part of my life and I want a way to keep that memory. There's stuff I sort of don't mind much and would rather give -- but. I dunno. Like, some things I don't like but I'm afraid of giving things up. I dunno, man.

There's some stuff I like -- cute plushies, clothes that I love. Some others, I mean, they just don't make me happy, you know? I hate when there's too many things on my bed, it makes me anxious to go to sleep. Like, most of the plushies I keep there are my all-time keep -- precious keepsakes of stuff I cant throw away. But I just. UGH. There's stuff I cant throw away because it's the last remaining relics of Club Penguin -- rest in peace -- and others that just sort of matter? I dont know but I feel so anxious. I wish I could just do what I want and get rid of some stuff. Like, I have two criterias for plushies:

-plushies I like (cute, fluffy, soft)

-keepsakes (old or memory-related)

-ones I keep out of a promise (gifts, important events)

-those ones that my sister has another one or, and i keep it so hers wont be alone, because yes, I'm sad like that, it would make me sad to imagine it screw you

And like -- ARE THERE ONES I COULD GIVE AWAY THAT DONT FIT INTO THOSE CATEGORIES??? THOSE I DONT CARE ABOUT?? Some old ones just make me feel sick to my stomach like those old sea creatures. But like -- there's ones I cant give away, like -- the one thing my dad and I have in common, marionettes, those ones we used for a movie we made.

Like, are there some I could just take a picture of? I don't know, man. I dont like going downstairs because it makes me want ro cry and scream and just pull off my hair. I'm so angey and frustrated and I keep wanting a fresh start. Like -- I've always done that, you know? Every time I buy new plushies, it's for a fresh start. I just wish I had a way to remove all thise useless fresh starts, those ones that didn't make me feel good, and keep the good ones. Like, I envy those who dont have that kind of stupid attachment. Like, go attachment. Its just -- everytime I bought a new plushies, it was supposed to be a fresh start. "That one" I would love, "that one" would be my favorite. I know irs unhealthy and I hate buying them because it makes me feel so much dread like, I keep having more and it keeps feeling like doomsday is coming whenever I see my dad going "ugh why" and I freak out and I dont ecen know what to do.

Plushies used to be this nice thing and now they just make me want to tear my throat out. Dear fucking god I hate everything

I just -- I wish i had a plushie I liked and tjene ceyrtjing would be so kuch easier but I WISH ID NEVER LAID EYES ON ANY OF THESE PLUSHIES IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOME OF THEM I WAD GIVEN BHT I DONT WANT THEM AND I DONT KNOW EHAT TO DO. BUT NOW I FEEL COMPELLED. AND I WANT TO JUSR FUCKING CRY FOREVER. IM SFARED. AND UPSET. I DONR WANR RO CHOOSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. HOW TO GET RID OF THEM.

I used to get so scared bit now I'm psychong myself because everyone saus i need to get rid of them and I just fucling can't deal woth it. Am i betraying myself? I promised i wouldnt let this happen. I promise I wouldn't be my own enemy. I promise i wouldnt do this ti myself just to make everyone happy. And now IM DOING IT.

At least I'm fine throwing clothes away. Clothes suck.

Or, like, sometimes. I still want to fucking die everytime I throw clothes away. Jesus I need fucling help. I have no psychological safety thing for like, some safety rjing to go back to. I feel so fucling afraid and stuff like that was supposed to be the one thing I wasnt afraid of and I could get them and jt would be fine but now that's just a big lie??? It wasn't supposed to make me feel happier??? It wss just supposed to keep me contented until whatever person decides its time to work??? Is that it????

What am I supposed to do, man??? What am I supposed to do????? What am I supposed to think??? I'm supposed to figure tjis out but O jusr fucling cant and its supposed to help me to have plushies but it's not and I cajr see straight. I jusr wish plushies were safe again. I wish i could cry my heart out about leaving them like before. I widh I could be angry and upset and betrayed and feel like I'm being torn apart and scream and rage about how people are hurting me and how they can't understand how terrible it feels, and how they'll never understand why I feel so betrayed and so alone and so dismayed becauee my whole world and my whole safety is falling apart and I cant egen enjoy a simple piece of fabric stuffed with cotton without feeljng like I'm going to get killed at any moment because it costs money and it's not necessary and I'm going to get killed by cotton in my face. And it's not necessary and I'm getting attached for nothing and it's not necessary, just let it go, you'll feel better afterwards, just try it, you have to make changes, you have to make your life better, dont you want balance? Just try it!!!!

Like you want me to have balance???????????? Is that what you want?? Why are you just screaming at me and telling me tl dl stuff I dont want to do, THIS is just -- it's important to me, it's stuff that just gets me up and going, it's whats brightening up my life, it's like, the only source of peace i have. And you want to tell me it wasn't worth anything? That it didn't have a place in my life and it wasn't a beacon of anything and it should have been thrown away long ago and it should have been somewhere else and it didnt deserve to exist? And it should have been explained a bit better but basically this is what it is!!!???! Like you can preach about happiness and balance all you want but this i my happiness!!! This is what i wsnr mi life to look like!!!! This is what happiness os to me, this is what safety is, this is how I manage to come home and feel happy about myself!!!!! Do you actually want balance or do you just wsnt me to live by your rules? Like do you even care if I get happier if the way I am happy, it's not by throwing it all away? No? Like did you even let it a chance to exist first?

Yeah if I said that to my mom she would've interrupted me to say "I understand no need to be like that" and then she would've told me "well talk about it in the morning" and basically listen to nothing and not give a shit at all. Sorry if I sound really annoying about getting my point across, this id whar I have to deal with at home so I'm sorry if I'm not arguing like a peaceful person here.

[awesomeatitsbest]

*scroll past this if u dnt wanna read me having a mental breakdown over a show*

i’ve been putting off watching the finale all week cuz i feel like im bouta get wrecked but im about to watch it rn and im literally so nervous omg here we go iM STRESSED

yall Rara in a choker hell yuh but also screw lex luthor step tf off man

yall she hesitated when she saw that pic of eliza right? cuZ SHES GOOD AND DESERVES BETTER

omg eve chill tf out

man, u can nvr trust white men as presidents

wow this is so dramatic w My Way fcking playing like this wow iM STRESSED

lex in the lexosuit....*intense eye roll*

hey yall think lex has a “take over the world” playlist playing in the suit

yall if Rara dont get some good that she deserves im FIGHTING yall she dont deserve this ;—; i know she fcking hates america and all buT IS SHE WRONG

theres so much happening wow im guessing a lot of things are gonna be left hanging by the end of this episode huh

omg Kara did basically die yall

im sO HAPPY ALEX REMEMBERS NOW ;—;

wow someone throw Lex into the sun, he made Red Daughter cry but also someone teach her how to Google

dude can ben lockwood just disintegrate already.

omg my bby nia proTECT HER AT ALL COSTS

wait fcKING PAUSE because: Lena Luthor in a Blue Suit™️ (fuq me up)

oh lena always worried about kara 😢

im so stRESSED ALL THE LUTHORS IN A ROOM AAAAAAHHHHHHHH

brenda and katie are truly some stunning people

wow i rlly wanna see lena punch someone (lex)

he just fcking quoted Hitler

aaYYYEE LILLIAN STAY ON THE WINNING TEAM

george washington in the background of this shot is SENDING me

ALIEN RIOT WOOOO

how TF does jesse rath make wheezing onto glass hilarious

Nia done w his rebooted ass

hell yuh to that lena luthor death glare God bless you miss mcgrath

hAHAAAA YEAH KARA’S ARTICLE COMING IN CLUTCH SUCK AN EGG LEX

yall i forget that kara’s mother is literally alive along w Argo i wish they talked about it more somehow

at this point Ben Lockwood is the equivalent of a fcking pimple or whatever, a little annoying thing full of puss and i just wanna POP HIS LITTLE HEAD OFF

damn rebooted brainy rlly ticked nia off

papa j’onn omg pls dont die, sir ;—;

omg wAIT IM SHOOK YES LENA WOOOOOO GRAB THAT GUN AND PUNCH HER

and then lillian casually pepper spraying the goons ugh we love the luthor women

(we already know lillan gonna manipulate lena tho at some point tho right? amirite? or is it gonna be a complete 180 turn)

oh my gosh yes supergirl’s boot on ben lockwood is my aesthetic

kara when lex asks how she’s still alive: im a bAD BITCH you cAnt kILL ME but also grass

omg bITCH the other suit is built into her other suit thats some bad bitch moves right there

“you can thank your sister for this” hell yea lets all thank lena luthor #appreciatelenaluthor2k19

omg cmon brainy, fcking rereboot so u can emotionally support your badass girlfriend

omg im so glad he got rerebooted i thought this was gonna last til the nxt season

wow brainy is so supportive protect this nerd at all costs ;—; his ass said astazing and i love you

oh fck yea rock music fighting scene montage this appeals SPECIFICALLY to me

yES RARA FIGHT HIM FIIIIGHT HIIIIIIM

oh. T—T

oh wAIT SHES GETTING SUPERCHARGED AHAAAAH

holy shit this dude just exploded

oh nvm ofc this dude wont die

oh sHIT

oh SHIT

LENA JUST SHOT THE DUDE

Oh

oh damn

can i get uh uhmmm....onE THERAPIST FOR LENA LUTHOR AS SHE LIVES W THE TRAUMA OF KILLING HER OWN BROTHER

omg omg wait no no omg wait

wait omg pause

its happenening jsnt it

omg wait qait wait i caNt im not ready

im having PALPITATIONS

oh my FUCK

oh. my God.

we all saw this coming but. that was way worse than I could have ever imagined.

my HEART

i need a drink

pour one out for supercorp

it was nice while she lasted

peace THE FUCK out

hahaaah kara happy now but we all know its a fcking illusion

was anyone happy at this point cuz all i am rn is full of DREAD

Dolsen (is that the ship name) fcking RISE

ok waiT Brainia rise too ;—;

im still stressed but theyre all cute af

im STRESSED.

omg lena’s at game night.

im sinking in my seat i CANT watch

so kara and lena as game night partners is canon

too bad its been TAINTED

someone pls help lena my GOD

KARA COME FCKING CLEAN ALREADY UHG MAY AS FCKING WELL

“Not tonight.” or EVER APPARENTLY AT THIS POINT

all right george thats my boy

omg more of miss eve nxt season

wtf is LEVIATHAN IM ALREADY STRESSED

omg this dude gon be in the crossover

omg WHO TF DONT COME FOR PAPA J’ONN

oh no lena honey drinking her woes away someone get this woman a glass of one therapy session with a squeeze of the truth from kara

oh FUCK welp if that picture frame aint fcking foreshadowing the nxt season then idk what will

in conclusion: this finale stressed me tf out. goodbye. i’m sleeping for 30 years.