#ugh i hate this whole process it's making me psych myself out

[dora-winifred]

hmmm so 2.5 weeks ago i asked my boss to write me a letter of recommendation and i told her i needed it by 1/23....i can see that she has not submitted it yet and also she left today for a trip and will be back in the office next thursday...hm.....

[skibasyndrome]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Thank you so much @darktwistedgenderplural, @wilmonsfolklore, @iwouldnevergetintofanfic & @earlgrey-lateatnight for tagging me in this!!!! This is so much fun!!! 💜💜💜💜💜

How many works do you have on Ao3?

17! (but only 12 of those "count", the other 5 are 6+ years old)

What's your total Ao3 word count?

107,628

What fandoms do you write for?

Young Royals

Top five fics by kudos

You crave the Applause / Yet hate the Attention

Lavender Haze

It's in the water, baby

Never Letting You Go

Close, Closer

Do you respond to comments?

Yessssss, I really want to reply to every comment I get because I appreciate people taking their time to write them a lot, but sadly I've been super busy this semester and so there are quite a few still waiting to be responded to. But!!! I've seen them, I have and continue to feel over the moon about them and some day you'll all get your replies!

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If we're only talking about the current fandom... none? I don't think I've ever given anything an angst ending. I don't even know if I'd be able to do that with Wilmon

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

By that logic, all the rest lmao. I think the ending that made me personally most giddy/happy for my blorbos was probably Lavender Haze because the potential, the big feelings that don't have a name yet, the I-really-wanna-see-you-again of it all? Yeah that one feels the happiest.

Do you get hate on fics?

Not usually, no. Although I had one salty anon who apparently thinks writing about characters being attracted to each other qualifies as fetishizing the actors? Lot to unpack there.

Do you write smut?

Yepppp

Craziest crossover:

I don't think I've ever written anything that could be considered a crossover

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeah, in the early days of me writing fics people would go around and just... copy a whole fic and post it to their blog instead?

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I get comments asking me if people can translate my fics, but I haven't seen a translation thus far, no.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Would love to try it some time though

All time favourite ship?

Wilmon all the waaaaayyy

What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Ugh the list is so long. One thing that I'd LOVE to write but I'm just not sure I've got it in me worldbuilding-wise is a fic where wilmon are ancient greek heroes to be

What are your writing strengths?

I've been told that "filth with feelings" is one of my strengths. Oh and some of my favorite compliments have been ones that said I was good at really getting into a character's (let's be real, it's Wille's) psyche

What are your writing weaknesses?

How long do you have lmao? Idk where to start, hmm. I think I just always question myself and every choice a little too much in general, I have a very weird mix of perfectionism and impatience going on, I start too many new things before old ones are finished, my English isn't as good as it could be, I don't know when to stop rambling...

Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I really don't see why you wouldn't use it. I think it's a nice little touch, at least I like it a lot on YR fanfic. It needs to make sense of course, but why not have a casual little "nej" somewhere, I think that's fun!

First fandom you wrote in?

One Direction, in ye olden days (2012) lol

Favourite fic you've written?

Oh this is difficuuuuult, aaaaah. But tbh I like Lavender Haze and the sequel All this shit is new to me a lot. Those are my sweet, sweet babies, because, I think I've said this before, this is my first multichaptered Wilmon fic that isn't "just" pwalp (=porn with a little plot) and I feel like I get to try myself out a lot with All this shit. I like the process of writing it and as for Lavender Haze, there are just some tiny elements in there that I feel immensely proud of.

I'm gonna (very much no pressure) tag @grapehyasynth, @oneofthosebells, @toffeelemon, @goldenwilmon & @piebingo and anyone else who sees this and hasn't been tagged yet (and if I'm double-tagging, apologies!) 💜

[demonslayedher]

Any Kny character you've grown to love/appreciate more??

Thanks for waiting, Anon, I have been trying to really, really hard to narrow this down, but the answer remains: the vast majority of the cast. The only character I loved right away was Tanjiro and that love kept me watching, as with almost every new character I was like, "ugh, I hate this guy. Here I was, having fun being emotionally invested in a high quality anime, and this might ruin it for me." But then the instant I see a different side of their character, I'm like, "...Oh." To go into some examples...

Zenitsu: I could not stand him right away, I hate womanizers, and his conniptions would go on so long that they held up the story. But Gotouge/Ufotable strung me along perfectly, the first glimpse of Thunder Breath made me immediately pay attention and think, "oh, that was cool. I want to see more of that." Seeing him protect the box pretty firmly put him in the "I need to protect this child" box in my heart. And then the spider demon happens, and I'm sending desperate reaction messages to a friend like "NOOOOOO!!!! BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!" And then he annoyed me all over again at the start of Functional Recovery, ahaha. It's hard to remember how annoyed I was because I'm such a Zen Stan now, and he was a very firm favorite of mine by the time I finished binging the anime up to the last couple episodes, which I waited for as they came out. Inosuke: He was one of the reasons I was curious about the series, I saw some promotional art and was super curious about Nezuko's muzzle (I was one of the people who thought it was some ancient scroll or something, haha) and the kid with the boar mask. The art I saw showed his face, and I assumed he'd be some kid with a cracking voice performed by a female seiyuu. As much as I love Matsuoka's performance now, initially, since I knew what his face looked like, I found it grossly off-putting the moment I heard it. Then every chaotic thing Inosuke did dug a deeper hole; I very quickly decided I hated him, especially when he started beating up on the kid I was starting to like. As his chaos subsided he just became a character I tolerated, and then this happened:

Images you can hear, am I right? This immediately flipped the "BABY" switch in my heart. It was also a lot of fun to understand the Inosuke memes I was seeing everywhere. So by the end of the anime, I loved, loved, loved, loved the Tanjiro/Zenitsu/Inosuke interactions and desperately wanted more (still didn't like how Zenitsu bothered Nezuko, though). I was so impatient for more, but the manga art looked disappointingly off-putting. I figured the anime was successful enough that there'd eventually be more of it, and I wanted to be patient, but then I poked around, read some spoilers, got back into Tumblr to look at fanart and memes, saw a spoiler image of Tanjiro affected by Muzan's poison and the binge-read began. (That's kind of a lie, but I'll get to that.) Let's back up a few episodes. There I was, having a great time, the guy who I forgot about from Episode 1 was back and haha, I guess everyone hates him, and the chick who I figured was going to be a medic who saves Zenitsu in the nick of time turned out to be savage, awesome. I was sending reactions to my friends who were ahead of me, and then we left off seeing the Pillars staring down Best Boy. And I...

Well. Uh. Here, I've dug up an old convo for you, my comments are in blue.

Immediately followed by a passionate vocal rant, which I have transcribed here:

“I feel like what happened was that the mangaka was sitting around with his assistants and was like, ‘welp, gotta make this whole cast of characters, they gotta be so-o-o-o many more levels of extreme than all the other characters I’ve had so far, which isn’t hard, because all of the background characters are cannon fodder and I’ve just gotta leave them all with black hair and no personality traits. So! Gotta go to the opposite of the spectrum with the BIG! POWERFUL! People so no-o-o-body can be normal.’ And so he and his assistants sat down, and they all wrote down just random words or traits, and them put ‘em all in a hat. And then for each character, they pulled out a few of them and said, ‘OK. We’re gonna put these things together, now we have a character.’ And he was probably also like, ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiii’ll flesh them out later. For now, they just need t’… be there, and make an impact. How do we make an impact? By making sure it’s super, super clear what their character traits are. Here, we’ll have this guy repeat the word //HADE//…. ////HA DEEE//// over and over and over… to show that he’s a /showy/ person. Because he /cares/ about that. And he //should// care because that is his character and that’s why he’s powerful.’ OH MY GOSH, it’s so dumb.”

......orz I feel like Genya looking back at how he acted at the end of the Final Selection. I'm sorry, Gotouge, I had not even encountered your love for these characters yet in your little alligator form. Nor had I encountered the yet unseen-sides of these traumatized dragons and tigers. ...*coughs* Um. So. I was pretty harsh.

So this was my mindset, I went into the manga not caring about most of these characters and just wanting more Kamaboko squad interactions and wanting to hurry up and catch up to the battle with Muzan. And it's worth stating that I didn't mean to read it at first. I encountered a few spoilers, and just wanted to look for the context surrounding those parts, and then hunt for the (non-existent) build-up to those parts, and so... uh.........

I read a lot of the manga out of order, and yeah, that did affect how much I cared about what was going on. I didn't actually properly process a lot of it until later re-reads. But to try to state some things simply about each Pillar:

Giyuu: He was just 'ok' to me for a long time, I could see the appeal for why people I knew were fangirling over him but he didn't do it for me. His soft spot for Tanjiro was indeed endearing, though, and I firmly liked him by the time chapter 200 came out and I was properly heartbroken on his behalf.

Shinobu: She was intriguing, and then I liked her as soon as I saw her savage side, she was one of the characters I went hunting for spoilers for.

Rengoku: That stare really put me off at first, but I fell for him over the process of Tanjiro falling for him. When I first finished the train arc I sat back and said, "wow! That's going to make for a good movie!" and then in psyching myself out for the movie several months in advance, I fell hook, line, and sinker and was totally excited for him each time I saw the trailers. And then the movie was *stunning* and I love him even more. Uzui: He was the Pillar I hated most upon first meeting them. I blame the repeated use of his catchphrase. But then when he let his hair down to sell the kiddos the change in design helped warm me up more to him, like, "oh, there was a human in there." It took a long time for him to become more interesting to me, and an uncharacteristically subtle journey to becoming a character I liked. I am currently getting more and more psyched out for him and eager to see how much more I'm going to like him with the shiny Ufotable treatment. Mitsuri: At first I didn't remember her name, I had code-named her as "Boobs." But I kinda had a feeling she was going to grow on me quickly, and I was right, she's one of my easy favorites now. Muichiro: Who? Oh yeah, that kid who always kinda fell to the wayside in my attention. I'd see a lot of Muichiro-themed blogs and hear a lot of little girls looking at merch and showing a clear favoritism of him, and I'd like always react like Muichiro and just be like, "...", and then when I read his major battles I was more emotionally invested in things going on concurrently with other characters, and I was still like, "...", and then two days ago I revisited a Muichiro scene and was suddenly like, "......OH!!! MUICHIRO!!!!!" Himejima: I never really hated Himejima, even if I found his first impression kind of wimpy (haha... oh, I was so wrong). I had a pretty easy acceptance of him too, so I would generally count him among characters I like, but if you were to ask me why, I'd draw a blank. It's kind of a weirdly mature, subdued appreciation for him rather than passionate fangirling. But weirdly when I was daydreaming the other day I found myself thinking, "if I had to marry someone in the KnY cast, it would be Himejima." So like, not a fiery romance, but I see him as my dependable, sturdy rock to grow old with??? What is up with you, sub-conscious?? Iguro: My interest in him rises and falls. Being a Mitsuri fan helped warm me up to his character in the first place, which was the emotional tie I needed since his backstory didn't grip me much (I found it a frustrating distraction while I was desperately reading weekly updates). Reading more subtle details about his character in the fanbooks has brought me around and made me more curious about him, like I'd really like to be a fly on the wall for the conversation he had with Uzui one day about their pasts.

Sanemi: Hahaha, wow. He was so unlikable in the beginning, wasn't he? His character design (yeah, the eyes) was really off-putting too. But then I got to know him and there was no going back, I got totally played. He's a character I'm pretty fond of now and one of the characters I've enjoyed delving into most in fanfic. To keep this answer from getting too long, for the vaaaaaast majority of the cast, I was initially like, "meh" or "OK" or "ew" but now am like, "EEEEEEEEE, I LOVE THIS TOTALLY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERRRRRRR" so you know... times change. And the more time I spend obsessed with Kimetsu no Yaiba, the more I like them all, so even the characters I'm lukewarm on will probably have their eventual days when they take over my heart and smash it.

[fractallogic]

Ffs BODY why are you doing this to me

All day long I’m all “ugh I’m so sweaty this is disgusting I hate how I smell and how I’m just …damp and there are SO MANY STAIRS who tf said it was okay to have SO MANY FUCKING STAIRS in one city”

And all day I’m like “maybe scone will be Up For It. Maybe I can convince myself to be Up For It. I should shower so I feel better. We’ve been having a ‘rest’ day today. It has been at LEAST six months since we’ve slept together both due to distance circumstances and due to these fucking antidepressants making me go ‘sex? Never heard of it’.”

And then we do the walk around the lights, which, meh. Was fine. Had a burger, which oh my fuck was very good, like not “in n out after not having it for two years” good or smashburger Arizona or Colorado state special burger good, but it was “wow this BUN??? This MEAT??? Wow this is GOOD” good. At last returned to the Airbnb. Drank a whole bunch of water because you get so very thirsty when water comes in tiny European-sized glasses at room temperature. I have never been so ready for a shower in my life, as I have thought literally every evening since the evening of the 27th of December. Sat down on the couch. Realized I felt like I was hit by a truck. “Okay all I have to do is shower and go to sleep”.

Scone goes “hm that sounds like a good idea” and I cannot possibly put two and two together until the very end of his shower when he comes back into the room where I’m laying half-asleep with my feet up the wall and goes, “so… are you tired” (which is one of the code words for “do you want to have sex”) and this wave of guilt-shame-and-too-much-water-ingesting nausea washes over me for wanting nothing more than to go to sleep but also make scone happy and AT SOME FUCKING POINT before I was on the current meds I TOO ENJOYED HAVING SEX and I excuse myself and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth trying to psyche myself up for it, but of course since I said “yes I’m exhausted I’m sorry” he took it like a reasonable human being and decided to get ready for bed, and then the guilt deepens because I am so excited to GO TO SLEEP and I also just really don’t want to be here anymore that yes, I do start crying as I try to explain that I’m sorry, it’s not him, I’m so tired, I’m so sorry, and he, like a rational human, is like no it’s okay don’t worry, I understand!! Go to bed, it’ll happen someday. And in my head I’m like BUT WHAT IF IT DOESNT. WE ARE GOING TO GET FUCKING DIVORCED AND I HAVENT SENT THE THANK YOU NOTES OUT. WE CANT GET DIVORCED WHILE YOUR GREEN CARD IS PROCESSING—and I’m too tired to stop myself from doing the catastrophization spiral, so it’s just going to sit in my brain and I’m going to let it and hope it doesn’t turn out too bad if I just acknowledge that the feelings are there and not feed the brain trolls.

And at some point I will have to have or remind him of having the conversation about hey yeah so because I have found and slept with the scum of the earth, I’ve also been emotionally and sexually abused by multiple people, so I very much love and appreciate your attitude about it, but I also need lots of reassurance that you aren’t going to be mad or something so that I can stop making long and rambling and incoherent posts on tumblr about it

Also we can cuddle, we just can’t Cuddle(tm), which is why we need to find another alternative euphemism for having sex

(IMAGINE our mutual confusion when he says “do you want to cuddle” after a date one night and I’m like hell fuck yeah I want to cuddle!!! thinking “yeah I want the biggest squishiest sidewaysest hug snuggle you can give me”, and he’s like fuck yeah let’s get naked and I’m like … what. And he’s like …??? What???? And I use my Native Speaker Intuition(tm) to go oh shit that was a EUPHEMISM that was PRAGMATICS and TABOO AVOIDANCE not literal cuddling (and then I explain it to him, only slightly more coherently than that, and go thank god you’re also a linguist so I can say that to you in that way), and so every time I have to adjust my expectations and elaborate when I go “yes let’s CUDDLE”)

[qanoor]

“with you, half the battle / is proving that we're at war / i would give my life just for the privilege to ignore” // moses sumney: quarrel

i don’t really like this song musically (i mean but it’s very very good -- technically, emotionally, every which way) -- i love doomed though, which miel introduced to me (along with plastic, and then riva also played plastic and i thought i liked it better that time but then i played it again and didn’t like it as much again)  -- 

but these lyrics really struck me. makes me think about how much sof would try to show me just how much i was hurting them, how much it took to show me

i should listen to this music again when i have my beautiful bluetooth speaker at home again. i’m at my grandmother’s place & i really should have brought the speaker but i didn’t. my t-coil earphones are pretty crappy with these hearing aids and so the quality of music is... subpar, but, well, what can you do (i don’t know why it was so much better with the previous hearing aids and why the attempts to adjust it haven’t worked)

i feel so sad, so sad, so very sad and depressed. and i’m not writing very clearly, i’m explaining too much, and i don’t want to sleep

anyway, what do you do after you’ve realized you’re at war and the battle is just -- that, a battle.

ugh, music really does sound terrible with these earphones. why must i be consigned to this fate. i should have remembered how shitty it is here when i don’t have access to good speakers or whatever

@epochryphal i’ve been wanting to reply to all the really thoughtful notes you wrote in response to my posts about feeling so broken up about things with riva months ago. and i mean things still suck but they suddenly initiated things again a little over a week ago & we hooked up & i am still very confused about it all & maybe it would be easier to paint myself as a victim but life is never that simple and what do you do about wanting something and then getting stuck with such a feeling of being lost, again, again

last week before coming here i broke down a lot and i lashed out at sof and miel a lot and i still feel so numb and sad about it. i cried and cried and cried a lot for the first time in a while that night and i was so afraid that everything would always be tallied up and measured and waiting, waiting, for doom. anyway that was not the case, is not the case. and still i wish i could trust love more than the bedraggled thing i become, i am.

i’m never going to get into grad school, am i (i feel like this is my pessimistic optimism at work again: if i keep telling myself, trying to prepare myself, keep assuming the worst, maybe something better will happen. the sad thing about life is that it doesn’t work this way. sometimes nothing ever works out and that’s that. or sometimes things do work out but they practically kill you in the process and that’s that, too.)

what is the point of even doing anything. 

i don’t want to be in this room with my mother and tomorrow night onwards i’ll have to share a bed with her again because my uncle is coming and there will be a shortage of beds. and i feel so trapped here in the constancy of my dysfunctional family and yet i do this to myself every year because i miss my mother even so and my grandmother is ninety and her abilities are rapidly declining and. i wish i could go outside. maybe i should try to figure out the extremely crappy bus system here and see if i can just go wander around downtown or something. i wish i had my driver’s license already, but the car is currently uninsured and stuck in some hell of my other uncle’s weird fucked up manipulations and, and, i don’t even know the word of it. (the uncle who is coming here is going to rent a car, so we’ll be rather dependent on him)

i wish i didn’t constantly return to this base sense of bodily discomfort around my mother which, despite all my wonderings, is almost certainly not related to any trauma of incest because that hasn’t actually happened to me even though my ocd has concocted a lot of possibilities. but what has happened to me is a divorcing of touch. adolescence was really about learning that touch is a war. cuddling with and (chastely, because there always has to be a fucking disclaimer) kissing your mother suddenly becomes wrong and you’re supposed to seek that with romantisexual partners. so then even platonic touch with friends can’t exist anymore, and, and, i don’t even remember what touch was like with my friends before all of this. probably more passing, light, okay. i am tired of having such disgust/fear at the idea of touch with my mother. again, it would be easy to name this something that it is probably not. but it’s not, and i’m an attention-whore or something, and really this is probably a sad tale of social conditioning and feeling frustrated by how my mother violated (still violates) my personal space boundaries a lot. (she’s gotten better but still.) anyway “personal space” is also a complicated construct without any single meaning and it is a mistake to imperially impose certain meanings over others. 

and like let’s be real my social conditioning or ocd conditioning or whatever has led me to the point where i feel viscerally uncomfortable about bodies. where i feel triggered somehow by even accidentally glimpsing naked babies in life (or seeing naked/ almost naked babies in film or whatever), where i am constantly anxious around children, where i have learned to sexualize nudity even as i resist it in my own body and in seeing others, where i am basically. just. the epitome of the exponentiated discourse of othering and perversifying bodies. god, you might as well just transfigure me into a tome by foucault at this point. i am such a fucking confessional cliche. i hate it. i wish i could just -- not be so afraid. not have intrusive thoughts/urges/feelings/whatever. i wish i could just -- and yet, this is really only a hyped up version of normative social conditioning. it’s hypernormative. most people in western(ized) society, which is to say what a lot of the world has become/ is becoming at the cost of most people who are dying or barely allowed to live, have all these anxieties and paranoias, just not as obviously or ridiculously exhibited to my extent. the deployment of alliance is intertwined with the deployment of sexuality.

i don’t know if i’m ever going to be able to get to a place where i don’t constantly confessionally codify and disclose. i don’t think it’s possible, it’s just michael k again and again and again. anyway, i feel like i’m going mad all the time and then i also “optimistically” talk about how i’ve ‘moved on’ from mental illness in my grad school applications (or i have to leave it out altogether). fuck! 

anyway the psych ward would be a bad idea at this point for all the usual reasons, but also because my digestive and urinary and other chronic health issues are bad enough that the whole dietary system and trying to have enough time in the bathroom there would be a nightmare, etc. so i guess let’s wait and if i don’t get in to any grad schools then i can make a concerted effort to kill myself again! and then we’ll see.

i’m only going to get sicker & sicker and things are only going to get direr & direr and i just. i wish there was a better way to exist in this world. today i was thinking again about how even if by some miracle any of my work becomes posthumously acclaimed, what is even the point of that? i will never know. what is the point for all the artists and writers whose work was only acclaimed posthumously? they never knew. who are we kidding when we praise them. we allowed them to die without being celebrated and honoured. it doesn’t matter however much we praise them now. (still i’d prefer posthumous acclaim over no acclaim. this is fucking sad.)

i keep saying the same things over & over & over & i hate it.

[livingmybestfictionallife]

You Trust Me, Right? pt. 2

Prompt: You’re a friend of Jacob’s–you’re basically his PA, like Harrison is with Tom. You’ve been able to hang out with them a lot and after a while, Tom started to develop feelings for you. 

Should we go for a part three and four?? Let me know. (I have something planned for two more, but I’d like to know if you’re interested.)

Warnings: fluff, some language

A/N: Requests are open! I will basically write anything (good luck finding something I won’t) and I can write for any of Seb’s characters (except Jack and Carter–I haven’t seen those yet) I can write Tom fanfic, Harrison fanfic, any marvel character, etc.

FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE/ASK/ANON

Part One     Part Three      Part Four

It took a total of five minutes upon walking into the hotel room for (Y/N) to collapse onto the bed. After having to land, a two hour layover, and then another anxiety ridden process of forcing herself back onto a plane and endure the whole thing over again, she was ready for food and a nap, unfortunately, they arrived in Singapore in the middle of the day. Sleep wouldn’t come for another eight hours and then who knows when she’d be able to wake up.

Everyone was tired and hungry but, for the most part, they were determined to make the best of their exhaustion and find anything relaxing to do around the hotel. It goes without saying that Tom, Harrison, and Jacob were much more devoted to this idea than she was. For some reason, when they booked the rooms, a block of three rooms on one end of the hall were chosen and then one single suite at the opposite end of the floor were given to them. She conveniently had the suite by herself at the opposite end of the building, meaning if any of the three boys needed anything, they had to seriously debate if it were worth getting up, walking all the way down the hall, and then having to go all the way back. This however was not to case when it came to their mission to stay awake.

“(Y/N)!” Jacob yelled. “(Y/N)! Open up!” She groaned loudly and dragged herself off the bed, trudging her feet across the room and opening the door.

“Hey, Harrison, Tom,” she smiled before turning toward Jacob. “What?” she grumbled as they locked eyes.

“There’s a pool,” he cooed while pushing past her and looking around her room. “Wow! You’re place looks way better than ours!”

“Yeah,” Harrison agreed. “We’re partying at your place tonight,” he teased as (Y/N) started to yawn. Tom was the last to enter and he pulled the door closed behind him then hurried toward Jacob who had already thrown open the balcony doors. (Y/N) caught her eyes drifting from the soft curl that hung along the base of Tom’s neck, down to his shoulders as they peeked around the tight tank top he had on, along his back, and finally landing on his small but cute ass.

“So you guys already changed into your swimsuits?” she asked, as she quickly tore her eyes from Tom and joined the boys at the balcony railing.

“We had to,” Jacob stated.

“Tom fell asleep as soon as he walked through the door,” Harrison added.

“I was almost there myself,” she grumbled before pushing herself away from the balcony and opening her suitcase. Tucked inside of a mesh pocket was a black two-piece swimsuit. She grabbed it and hurried into the bathroom where she stripped herself of her baggy clothes and slipped into the mid-rise bottoms and tied the swimsuit top around her neck, for some unconscious reason making it slightly too tight in order for her boobs to look bigger. When she finished, she pulled the oversized shirt back over her head and grabbed one of the bath towels draped over the rack on the wall.

“Ugh, you’re not swimming in that?” Jacob teased, remembering back to a time where she only swam in t-shirts because of continued jokes made at the expense of her body. It wasn’t her fault that her hips and breasts came in before anyone else in her class and yet she was ridiculed for it and ended up hiding her body for years because of it.

“I’m not going to walk through the hotel wearing less clothing than a hooker,” she snapped back earning a snort from Harrison and Tom.

“That would be entertaining,” Tom laughed as they walked out of her suite and toward the elevators. She tried to hide the light shade of red she could feel her face turning. Knowing that at some point Tom had liked her more romantically than as a friend has lead her to overanalyzing pretty much anything Tom said. This tidbit of information definitely wasn’t helping her psyche as she prepared herself to be practically naked in front of him as soon as they get to the pool.

As much as (Y/N) liked Zendaya, she was consistently jealous of the actress’s appearance. She was tall, slender, thin, all of the qualities that symbolize what a model should look like. (Y/N) on the other hand had struggled with the way she saw herself for the majority of her life. Whether it be from her parents joking about how she’d be ‘big as a house someday,’ the torment from being made fun of by the popular girls, as well as her consistent struggle to be healthy and look healthy while still seeming attractive, (Y/N) had suffered through it all. It was just recently that she started to accept herself and she didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of Tom.

Once they reached the floor that the pool was on, their jaws dropped.

“This is incredible!” Harrison gasped as the four gathered around some lounge chairs. The boys tore off their shirts an either eased their way in or threw themselves off the ledge and into the water.

“Hurry up (Y/N)!” Tom called as he waded through the water with Harrison and Jacob.

“No, wait!” Jacob yelled back. “Get my phone and take our picture!” (Y/N) turned around, grabbed Jacob’s iPhone, and slipped out of her shirt. She stood on the edge of the pool as the three guys gazed out over the Singapore skyline. She smiled as she took the photo and called back out to the guys.

“Got it!” At the sound of her voice the three turned around and Tom’s breath hitched in his throat. As soon as his eyes landed on her skin, his heart jumped and he was hooked. She was enticing; the curve of her hips slipped into the warm water, the way she pulled her arms up, keeping them from getting wet when she wadded in and the pool playfully lapped water against her breasts. 

“Shit,” Tom huffed as she wadded toward her friends.

“Thanks for joining us,” Jacob joked.

“We needed another person for chicken,” Harrison called out as soon as she reached them.

“Dibs on Haz!” Jacob called again.

“I guess that means you’re on me,” Tom snickered before disappearing under the water, slipping his head between her legs, and resurfacing. She balanced delicately on his strong shoulders and Tom quickly grabbed her thighs, steadying her on top of him. Her hands slipped across his head as she pushed his hair back. He couldn’t help the feeling within him as she played with his hair while they waited for their opponents.

“Hurry up,” (Y/N) shouted. “It’s getting chilly up here!” Harrison awkwardly put his leg up over Jacob’s shoulder and then Jacob sank further into the water so Haz could more simply sit on his shoulders. Almost immediately Jacob and Tom started to rush toward one another. As he moved, Tom’s grip on (Y/N)’s thighs became tighter and tighter as his hands moved further up her legs. She managed to wrap her legs under his arms and hook her feet on his back and his hands were getting dangerously close to the hem of her swimsuit, his thumbs starting to caress her upper thighs, just below her ass.

In that moment she hated that she had learned of some Schrodinger’s Cat like scenario regarding Tom’s feelings toward her, but the more she thought about the what being with Tom would be like, the more she wanted to entertain the thought of him still having these feelings for her. She wanted to be called darling and love, she wanted to have early morning walks with Tessa and wouldn’t mind being tested by Harry, Sam, and Paddy. The idea of dating Tom was starting to grow on her and she couldn’t help but think that everything that’s happened in the last few hours has been deliberately and meticulously planned to push them closer.

The more she thought about it, the more likely it was that Harrison didn’t absolutely have to show Jacob a video on his phone the second they got on the plane. Also, she knew better than to gullibly believe Jacob would want to be on Harrison’s team since she and Jacob had been the reigning champions since Harrison’s twentieth birthday party. Apparently, defending the tile of Chicken Fight Champions wasn’t as important to him as setting up Spider-Man and Bagel Bitch. 

Usually, Harrison was on bottom and Tom was on top so (Y/N) was always used to Tom’s weaknesses like the fact that, if she could get close enough, his sides were incredibly ticklish, or that if she leaned back far enough, he’d fall right over Harrison’s head. She didn’t know Harrison that well and Tom wasn’t used to having to be on bottom. Jacob easily swept Tom’s feet from out from under him and the pair went down.

Seeming to understand the reason they lost, Tom resurfaced and pulled (Y/N) close to him and whispered in her ear, “Harrison can’t bend his fingers back very far.” The sly smirk on Tom’s face caused her lips to curl toward the sky.

“Jacob has terrible balance in standing water–he’s used to the ocean and fighting waves,” she said in reply. Tom smiled again as his dark, cheerful eyes connected with hers until his head disappeared underwater as he swam beneath her, strangely overexcited to have her thighs on either side of his face. He started to lift her onto his shoulders once more, this time making sure to playfully grab her butt, hoping it would be a subtly hint at wanting to take their friendship to a different level.“Even if you go under, don’t let go of me,” she quickly added.

“Are you sure about this?” Tom asked.

“You trust me, right?” she questioned while tossing a playful smirk in his direction. Tom smiled so brightly hearing the words he said to her flow out of her mouth in her enchanting voice and charged toward Jacob and Harrison, confident in (Y/N)’s ability to get them a win as well as his own ability to win her over.

[monolid-monologues]

this dream about you ruined my morning. LOL. (& how do you retell a dream? especially an embarrassing one?)

when: last night slash this morning. [that’s today, Thursday June 27th]

 it was one of those *you wake up and know you left an intense dream* *go back to sleep because this fucker of a dream needs an ending* 

i could almost call it a nightmare,  if based purely on the harrowing and very real physical toll it had on my body when i really got up from it. 

I re-woke to my second and Emergency alarm (that’s the “get the fuck up now bitch go straight to work do not pass go do not pick up an eyeshadow brush do not eat breakfast get your headass into the car and maybe you won't be viciously tardy”) and my ANKLES WERE LITERALLY SORE?? my head pounding something Awful. And like my chest. Felt such a bitch. Stiff, contracted, and dry. 

you ever been like HUNGOVER from a dream????

* * *

i don't want to call it a nightmare, though,  because it was about you.

And you were/are not a nightmare. lol.  You just...happened. and it passed.

What this is, Is: i had this dream about you, and i fucking hated it LOL

IT’S A FIRST. AND I NEED TO PROCESS IT . BECAUSE i dont get it. i don’t get why i had it. i am so caught off guard by it. i am scared of it. i am scared i even had A dream of you.

and i refuse to let it just bury inside me. i’m going to claw this thing out and take a good mfkin look at it.

OKAY. now that that’s established...

(ugh.... it feels like i’m about to embark into some bitter medicine.)

* * *

we ran into each other...in an apartment?

I was in the living room with my “friends” in the dream A.K.A obscure, obscure acquaintances whose faces i cannot place or recall. 

and like any good dream, out of the god damn blue, comes trawling through a pack of Your friends. or family. or both. and your own face hazily blurring by in the mix. headed thru the nearest hallway, towards one of the bedrooms.

I catch your brother's face (i never even met your brother before lmfao) most crystalline clear among them. and he is the one who stops to meet me as the rest shuffle away.

I immediately recognized him (from pictures. i'd seen pictures IRL), we strike introductions, and conversation. i remember saying "you're his brother!" and other incredibly facile but in that moment in that dream very genuine sentiments. but still we can cringe at how unrealistic and un-grounded in reality they were. things like " i always knew i'd like you" (what the fuck, right) and "wow why does it feel we’ve already met (what the fuck. LOL.) and if we CAN ignore the DELIRIOUSNESS of my REM concoction here, i'd like you to accept with suspension of belief that me and this stranger, me and your brother, did become - in this dream moment - effortlessly chummy. We became instinctively on each other's sides (it still sounds delirious. damn it.  Don't share your dreams willy-nilly, folks, it is not smart to expose your fucking dumbly vivid irrationales lol).

We were getting on like old fuckin friends, what the fuck can i say. It's the fictional truth. 

Then our convo gets to the Grit. The punch in the gut. he tells me you're here. in this apartment. of course i could’ve put that together but the confirmation is CONFIRMING. Palpable - the settling in of the fact that you and i were..both..here.

A many-voltage shock. and i only snap out of it, and the frozen moment only melts back to action when i feel you feel that same shock. And right away, i "hear"...or was it "see"?....your presence / energy dash out of the bedroom in which you and your group were in. And you lock yourself into the bathroom.

A collective "what the hell" is shared between me and my new-but-old dreamworld friend. your brother. We step past the bathroom you are now occupying. We enter the bedroom. I see the rest of your peoples.  Once again, Faceless peoples. i don't know that any of these were REAL peoples, any of your actual peoples in real life. Dreams! what're you gonna do? 

Me vs. your peoples, though. It starts as awkward. Your brother tries to smooth things.

I remember warmth starting to emerge. I'm sure I wanted warmth, and since it was my dream, probably i manipulated events to make it so. I am keeping that in mind about this dream from start to finish, by the way.  My brain manufactured all of this. Why? Fuck Me if i want to know. honestly.

But without knowing why, i still saw the What. (& this whole entire What gave me a serious kink in my neck this morning, like i never even know what a kink was until i got up and groaned.)

The What, at this point, after me and this room begin to warm up to each other: I mean, its only appropriate in such a dream that we land on the next Gut punch. The next revelation. (the brain sure knows who to TELL A STORY. DAMN.)

They tell me that..... FUCK, pause. Pause. PAUSE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS. WRITE THIS. ADMIT TO THIS. 

ugh how else can i say this without causing every internal organ in my body to cringe in unison and threaten whole bodily shutdown for the entirety of the time it takes for my parts to Un-Cringe themselves. i could die. 

i wish to die.

i won't die. let me continue. *deep breathe*

They tell me that you want me back. 

Oh my god i want to laugh and cry and barf at the same time - me in real life, me now - not me in the dream. Well maybe me in the dream. But speaking from the conscious VERY-NOT-ASLEEP P.O.V of my self at present, it really hurts to say that because...i dreamed that. I can't believe i dreamed a dream in which you say "you want me back".

I cringe because you, and me, might think oh, that's what she secretly wants.

No. It. Is. Not.  And i know this, but you can't, unless i tell you outright like this "I DON'T". and even then, because of this dream, i may be relinquishing my right to protest that contention. "Well clearly your deep inner psyche is saying different blah blah wah wah" says the PSEUDO-SCIENTIST IN US ALL. Whatever, that was exhausting, lol, i said what i said and i dreamed what i dreamed.

If you *are* *asking* *me*, i will tell you with incredibly clear eyes: no, i didn't dream you saying that because it was what i wanted. i don't know why i dreamed that, but how about i get to the end now, before we jump to more conclusions:

i hear that, and - what magically appears? A piece of paper, with old feelings written..no, scrawled.. all over it. There's blank space near the end.

There's a collective agreement that you are not coming out of the bathroom anytime soon. Is it a red flag to Dream Me that you are HIDING IN THE FKN BATHROOM? LOL NO. 

in fact i think Dream Me thought it was cute. "aw he's shy" rather than "what the fucking coward". 

Oooo. Was that harsh. and i oop--

I begin to write my "current" (quotes to remind you this IS THE RE-TELLING OF A DREAM, A NON-REALITY!!!) feelings. surprisingly, they were a smidgen closer to my actual feelings today, but still, it was a dream, and my REM brain is setting me up for some happy ending i think. So what do i write? I write something along the lines of "i don't want to be together but i did miss you and i do want to kiss you".

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool throw tomatoes at me NOW.

MOVING ON: I remember the room is now crackling with hope, and optimism,  and your peoples are cooing "how cute" (which is hilarious in hindsight because this is not cute at all, it is very very weird)

and then the vibes get *~*~dramatic~*~ for a pinch: a confession from your brother: -this part i'm dead ass even as ludicrous and irrelevant as it seems-

he says to me: “i know he said i'm his brother, but i'm not. Actually, he's the brother. *points to a faceless figure* and i'm the good friend.” and it was like one of those soap opera revelation moments.  I don’t know why.

Why does this detail...?? matter??? appear??  Well let me add that, it was like...so familiar. this "uncovering" of a lie. REAL QUICK I'm not saying the man in question is a liar. that’s NOT it at all. I suspect the familiarity lied in my past experiences of feeling "not let in" or "held at a distance”. & I was doing my own damn lying, to myself. I was doing my own emotionally irresponsible business. /ending that there.

Point is, the "confession" was unnerving and it was almost like an omen. Like WHY Would you lie about something like that??? I couldn’t understand it!

But did i still want to leave this note?

And i, in the dream, did. still want to. So I give up the note to your peoples with intentions of it reaching you.

But of course, before i can leave, You come pummeling in.

I guess you were done with your really long shit or you were tired of hiding.

But the way you came in, i remember this motion picture vividly: you don’t greet me, you make a beeline straight past me, you insulate yourself behind your peoples, and your energy feels incredibly apprehensive. like you’re on Defense. Like someone’s come to attack you. Like what? And i’m so confused and so uneasy that i can’t wait to leave, without even wanting a word from you. This, the same person who wants me back they say? This, the same person who I called on for “a kiss” (UGHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!)

Your brother-turned-friend hands you the note. 

I see that you got it.

I see you paw it, and start to look at it.

I feel an edge of regret but i let it be. what i wrote reflected how i felt, i affirm with myself.

and i leave

but while walking out, i’m already reconsidering: "okay it reflected how i felt, before i personally contacted THAT energy, his energy, his avoidance, his marked apprehensiveness"

and i storm back 

when you were just about to dig into it

and i snatch it from your hands

but you held on and

in my determined snatching, i rip back the bottom half as you stare at me and shred the rest of it yourself. shred the half that remained in your hands into tiny ugly pieces.

like shrapnel, and it flutters around you, and your stare is intense, and intact, and i wonder if this was satisfying to you.

i burst out of that room, so angry, so fucking disturbed that you could've read something nice but i didn't want you to read something nice.

No, i was so dissatisfied by the non-greeting, the haphazard waltzing and pacing in the room for the brief moments we shared space,

i was vengeful

i tore the "something nice" before you could receive it.

And then I was horrified by the way you let the rest of it rip up in your hands and disappear like the rest of it (the part i'd taken back).

* * *

I got jumped by my own dream. HOW DID IT -- I--

I mean. What a load of Holy Hell.

And i still, resist, calling it a nightmare, because,

that's not accurate to how i actually remember you.

I remember you fondly.

and the most stressful part of when i look back at our time together

wasn't even you. 

i always, even at the low points, felt a really deep joy from being around you.

The most stressful part when i look back was who I was then.

From where i stand now, i look back and shake my head the most ferociously at who i was, how i was, and what i was missing. what i needed. what i wasn't making sure to get.

have i forgiven Myself? 

maybe that's why This Dream.

//////

AN AFTER THOUGHT: perhaps what is truly horrifying about this dream is 1) how childish it was. 2) why the fuck did i have a dream about you like @brain that was so uncalled for bruh 

////

Edit: An afterthought 24 hours later= My impulse was to recount this dream in detail. I belabored this account, everything i could possibly remember about it, in addition to belaboring that though this DOES seem significant, it DOES NOT mean i still have the same feelings for this mf. 

Now i am able to revisit it, in all its cringe detail glory. I have a lot more perspective on why this dream, and what it might mean to me. WOW the power of writing. 

[tearsinmysoupp]

LET GO BY AVRIL WAS THE BEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME F PITCHFORK

Hey all,

I wish I could be a little less cliche with the whole tumblr thing, but this is what it is, and this is where we are, soooooooooooooooo sometimes you have to take a deep breathe and say “yolo I am making a tumblr.”

Where are we today? My Dad’s at this very moment. But sheesh. To tell everyone the truth, I have no fucking clue how we got here. And by “here,” I mean HERE. (RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW.) 

Life is feeling very strange right now and I am sorry this is in blog format instead of LIVE on periscope. I suck. I know, ok? So try to forgive me. 

So let’s just talk here, and catch up on WTF is newwwwwwwwwwwwww

Well things have been CHAOTIC to say the least. I have every middle aged person who attended my graduation (with the exception of my mother) at my Dad’s house breathing down my neck, so I know what you must be thinking: “TARYN!!!!! NOOOOO, WHAT IS IT LIKE TO NOT HAVE THE SPACE NEEDED TO FULLY EXPRESS YOURSELF ON PERISCOPE?!?!HOW ARE YOU SURVIVING WITHOUT YOUR ART?!?!?” 

GUYS, let me tell you THIS: it has been incredibly challenging not having the proper space or time to CREATE my art. It has been hard having people come to basically babysit my 22 year old ass. Pathetic, I know. 

But sometimes you have lupus and a weird tick borne infection (BARTONELLA) that impact your mental health come up and you need the extra help, so you just have to pat yourself on the back and remember that BENJAMIN BUTTON had it worse than you. (spoiler alert: the guy literally is born an old man and reverses as he ages and eventually becomes A BABY!!!!!! which totally sucks. I feel for the guy.)

Sorry for the caps guys.. Really just trying emphasize how humiliating this is in a semi-humorous/self deprecating way. But in all seriousness, this EXPERIENCE has been so humbling. From panic attacks in parking lots to not being able to talk to crazy hives, I have been living it up in ways I hope to never live through again.

So what have I been doing with all of my time? Now that I am officially unemployed or #takingaleaveofabsencefromwork, I have been feeling pretty fucking weird. No school, no work, just me. WOW. And my family .. wooooo. turn up. 

Last couple days has been managing my allergic reaction and I had to go off my antibiotics, so that was damage control and as a result I felt foggy and weirdly more depressed than usual, so that SUCKED. 

Yesterday, things got back to normal as far as feeling like myself even though my right eye was still a little puffy from the allergic reaction from hell. Things being better as far as my mental health goes were a result of me taking my antibiotics, which is pretty crazy when you think: “my anti-FUCKING-biotics” are making me SANE. And let me clarify, these antibiotics are not just making me SANE, but I haven't felt even a little bit of anxiety while on them, which would lead one to suspect that my issues with my mental health were not rooted in my “psyche,” instead, these issues were part of a disease process #TURNTHEFUP !!!

Ok but continuing.. WHAT DO I DO??!?!?! 2 days into this thing so far. Today, I found myself being fucking furious with pitchfork. I hate to say it, but pitchfork is the worst. They do album reviews where they rate an album 0-10, which is problematic, because art, music, whatever IS SUBJECTIVE, and it is based on who is fucking consuming it, so to RATE something 0-10 is so backwards and stupid that UGH!!!!!!! 

And this is not even the worst part... JUST wait for it guys. So I kind of lost my shit when I saw this: Avril Lavigne’s album Let Go in 2002, the one with Sk8r boi, complicated, I’m with you, ECT was rated a 6.6 by some girl in DECEMBER 2018..... I know guys. Try to contain your rage, because I know this is complete bullshit. 

For some reason, Pitchfork feels the need to have an opinion on everything, so it is reviewing influential albums of the past and rating them NOW? There is so much wrong here that I need to stop talking about it because my BLOOD PRESSURE IS THROUGH THE ROOF!!!!!! (jk but I am getting heated) “LET GO by AVRIL WAS THE BEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME”-KANYE

But seriously, someone on Pitchfork gave Greta Van Fleet a 1.6, which to be real was a unfair rating of their album, but yeah, Pitchfork can be the kiss of death to smaller groups who are just getting started. Good news is that Greta Van Fleet had a solid fan base who rejected Pitchfork’s review, so they are all good. Also, things really do not get scored at like a 1.6. Like Pitchfork sucks but not THAT BAD, so I wouldn't be surprised if the author of that review did that to personally spite that group or someone in that band lmao. DAYM #DRAMAALERT

Moving on my friends, I got lit off of that. So I hate Pitchfork. THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG. 

Talking about something I do like: James Blake’s new album “Assume Form.”   Prior to this release, his albums focused on feelings of isolation or alienation whereas this one centers on intimacy, so unsurprisingly it is unlike anything he has put out before. QUITE THE PLOT TWIST. Would highly recommend “Power on.” Blake is able to capture a feeling or situation that feels familiar while also having vocals that sound like butter.

POWER ON LYRICS: 

“I thought I might be better dead, but I was wrong I thought everything could fade, but I was wrong I thought I'd never find my place, but I was wrong And where I least wanted to look, it came along I thought sex was at my pace, but I was wrong I thought it mattered more I'd say, but I was wrong I thought you were second place to every song I thought you'd overstayed your welcome I was wrong, power on, power on

Have you ever coexisted (Power on) So easily? Let's go home and talk shit about everyone Let's go home, finally”

HERE IS THE LINK TO THIS SONG 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZe3mq9EJ90 -------------------

RELATABLE?!?!?!? let me know WTF IS UP fam. HMU tearinmysoupp on insta/twitter. Email is tearintaryn@gmail.com ily

[sapphicfolksongs]

over 3 years ago i filled out this short lil survey because i was bored. this was before i started college, before i started “really” dating, before i knew what i was going to do with my life, before i made most of my current best friends, while i still lived at home... so forth and so on. my life is pretty different now so anyway, i thought it’d be fun to do a before and after sort of thing. for ma blog records. ya know.

(bold is first answer, three years ago; normal font is present.)

1. The meaning behind my URL

Makes sense if you’re in the DW fandom, i s'pose. Basically I just liked the way “bay” sounds like “babe,” you know, in a way, and Rose Tyler is a total babe… but the url was already taken so there are, alas, two l’s.

My blog used to have a DW focus and now it’s primarily t100. I sort of stopped watching DW after the 12th doctor arrived (but honestly I think I stopped mostly because I started college). I started watching t100 and just got obsessed so quickly. My URL now is a combination of “rebel” and “bellarke” (bc life) and I like how “rebellark” without the e in bellarke also kinda references the ark.

2. A picture of me

lol this is such an awk picture

here’s another for balance

those pictures were in my old house! that makes me so sad. also, notice how I’m repping my Boston University shirt pretty hard. surprise, surprise: didn’t end up going there. plot twist: glad I didn’t.

anyway, some updated selfies-

basically the same except i’ve adopted lipstick on special occasions and have discovered that eyebrows are a powerful secret weapon

3. Tattoos I have

nope none, probably will never have any either. needles freak me out and i get over things way too quickly. last thing i need is to hate this permanent design on my skin eh

same. like i’ve thought about it more, have actually made a pinterest board dedicated to possible ideas!! but i am still fickle. still afraid of needles. i like the idea more as i get older. would like to get one with my brother. i guess we’ll see.

4. Last time I cried and why

I got into UT! It was happy crying. I literally thought I wouldn’t be accepted; it’s one of the hardest (if not the hardest) state school to get into if you’re not in the top 7%, and I’m not. I literally had a breakdown. I don’t even know if I’m going, I was just thrilled that someone actually wanted me. You knowwww??  

this is so funny to me. i’m always glad i had that reaction because it was just... pure joy. relief. wonder. i never thought i’d get in. now i’ve just finished my third year there. i love it. it’s been crazy. it’s changed my life. it’s caused my unbelievable stress and tears at times but it’s also been arguably the best time of my life. 

anyway, on to the question - i cry a lot lmao. i don’t even remember what i last cried about or when. it was probably a combination of school stress + work stress + life stress (what am I doing, ya know?) + boy stress. it’s been like two-ish months since i got dumped but it’s still sorta lingering in my mind and it’s been rough. but i’m giving myself a break, letting myself breathe (letting my heart breathe, let’s be real) and letting myself feel. so tears are welcome. though i hate the build up of emotions to it [sigh]

5. Piercings I have

My ears. I don’t really like piercings all that much. I might like a cartilage or something. I also like belly-button piercings, but I don’t have the body for that, and ow, and lots of other things.

lol yeah same. i don’t even wear earrings so what’s the point

6. Favorite Band

At the moment, Bastille! Imagine Dragons is also a long time favorite of mine.

and then a year or two later I’d see both of those bands in concert!! that’s so cool. i’m so happy i got to see those bands with my friends (and now i am sighing dreamily at those concert posters in my room). anyway, these dudes will still be my faves for a long time coming. but recently i’ve really enjoyed listening to MAX. his songs are fucking bomb like i love all of them.

7. Biggest turn off(s)

Jerkiness. Rudeness. That really, REALLY bothers me most of anything.

i feel as if I remember answering this question and though of course most people hate “rudeness,” i didn’t have enough experience with dating really to know what i disliked. which is how i got where i am today. wonderful! lol. but no, i can safely say my biggest turn-off is not being listened to. when someone feels like they are the only person that matters or is interesting, and treats you as if you are not interesting. i am a human being - and an important one! - with a full, interesting, crazy life, and i deserve to be treated like i’m important by the people i associate myself with. and all other things that that entails. 

10. Biggest turn on(s)

Nice hair. I also really like guys with nice, uh, hips? Like thin and stuff you know? That sort of lean but a little muscular look. Idk that nineteen year old boy look. Sooo beautiful lolll. Also, sort of faux-hawk hair, it’s a bit of a fad but I’m starting to really like it. And long sleeved dress shirts rolled up to the elbow. And you know what- just overall polite guys. That’s really important and very attractive. Oh, and a sense of humor! Wow. This was a bit of a list.

nice smile and nice laugh. i love falling for someone and having their laugh stuck in your head, hearing it when you text them or when someone mentions their name. 

11. Age

Eighteen!

twenty-one.

12. Ideas of a perfect date

Fun & comfortable, and just a tad romantic :) I don’t know what, though. Anything spontaneous, wild- or calm. One or the other, no in between!

i would agree with 18 year old anna. something comfortable where i’m able to talk to the other person, without feeling like we’re on stage or too exposed. good conversation, easy laughs, experiencing something new. i love (and hate) revisiting places i went to on dates because they overflow with memories. good and bad. but i think making new memories like that is the best kind of date.

13. Life goal(s)

Be a writer! Published before I’m, eh, 25?

wtf anna. *sssiiiggghhh* little did I know that I would stop writing almost entirely once i got to college! idk why. it’s something i’ve struggled with immensely, my loss of “identity” as a writer. i will probably not be published by 25. not in the way i wanted, anyway. i did join the paper at college and had quite a few articles published but a book is far from the works for me.

my life goals would be to write creatively, though, in some format. if i can. if i still have the motivation and the drive... i want to be nice to myself. i would also like to be independent, and happy. 

15. Relationship status

In a relationship with a wonderful guy. Been just a little over 5 months now.

update on that relationship: we dated for a year and then i went to college. after a few months in college, i dated (a little.. like, a very little little) and ultimately regretted breaking up with aforementioned HS boyfriend. that spring break we met up and talked; he wanted to get back together, but i decided i wasn’t ready. we’ve talked probably only a few times since (it’s been like 2 years). i’m back in a stage where i’d like to try again. i think i needed to grow up and mature to really be ready to be in a relationship with him, and i think i’m there now. unfortunately he’s been dating a girl for like a year now, so that’s a no-go, and obv i’m no home wrecker (not intentionally anyway - long story!) but i think if there’s ever a time where he’s single and i’m single... i might try again. 

anyway, as i mentioned earlier, was recently dumped (by somebody else, unrelated) so i’m basically the most single i’ve been in a while. i’m sort of enjoying it but also kind of bored/anxious/fearful of being alone forever, etc etc, also quite afraid of another rejection and the whole process of getting to know someone and.. ugh dating is ugly and gross. anyway. i’m single. i’m so rambley. my apologies friends

16. Favorite movie

You know what movie I really liked, and will go on and on and on forever about? Wuthering Heights. I think it was the last one that was released, I’m not sure- but that shit was beautiful, man.

ah haha hahaha ha my favorite movie is pride and prejudice. it’s the only movie i can see several times and not get sick of. why am i such a predictable period drama lovin’ hoe

17. A fact about my life

I’m going to college to study English and/or Pyschology!

dropped english after a semester, fell in love with psych (i was a TA of sorts for this really popular Pysch 101 class with two really famous psych professors) but ultimately i decided to pursue elementary education. i’m about to start student teaching and i’ll be in a third grade classroom! 

18. Phobia

Cockroaches. Fire. Erm… Death and oblivion and the sort of unknown realm of things. Dark, sort of.

same ahahaha also, i’m afraid of a bad marriage? or no marriage at all. i’m afraid i’ll be afraid to be alone and end up in a bad marriage. i’ve got love and lost love and bad love on my mind lately. it’s like a phase or something

19. Middle name

MARIE. Such a boring name. I wish it’d been Belle or Bella so I could have been Anna Belle or Anna Bella. Or Annabelle or whatever…

it is the same and i hold the same thoughts in regard to my middle name as i did at 18 years old

[daniedoodles]

Danie’s Dilemmas Ep. 26: Books Closed

Today of all days, I’ll Always Remember You by Hannah Montana could not be taken more seriously. It’s the last day of senior year. In spite of how much I anticipated to cry on this day, I actually didn’t, possibly because I’ve thought about it so often for the last two months (or maybe it’s because my last diploma isn’t until this Thursday so really, everyone’s last day is slightly different). I have so much to say, but none all at once. This has been said time and time again, but I feel like for most of high school, we had the tendency to take it for granted; we all wanted to drop out or give up at some point because it just felt like there was nothing about our experiences that implied that eventually, it would get better. All those times complaining about homework or cramming for exams... except now that it’s over, we can’t help but focus on the good parts about it that have also come to an end, most of which were moments spent with friends doing dumb shit lmao. 2019 so far has proven to be one of the most bizarre years thus far. I’ve spent time with people that I never thought I would get the chance to, endured the most UNserious exam season, and now, the most UNserious last day of school. Since I was not remotely prepared to face the last day in terms of taking the opportunity to formally thank all of the people that made high school as fun as it has been, I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone and mention them on this episode :) And yes, I will be mentioning names. We’re NOT in high school anymore so there’s no need to play guessing games. 

Vicky: I never know how to start these things without making it sound cringey or sappy, but bitch we have been THROUGH it. Regardless of how we’ve managed to not get into a single class together throughout the entire three years we’ve spent in high school, we somehow managed to stay hella close which you should know by now, I am incredibly grateful for. I haven’t exactly been as active with the group, but that’s only because I know we have all of summer ahead of us to make up for it. Just know that I’m always going to be here to be the voice of reason, but also your partner in crime. We’ve laughed too loud and cried too hard over the dumbest shit, taken bomb ass photos and eaten too much food. I’m so excited for what other dumb shit we can do together. When you’re out on your own adventures, pls text me so I know you’re not dead. I love you, my favourite rat. OwO

Alex: Whew, sis. We came together on the oddest terms, talking about failed love interests and all that bs, but aren’t you glad that it happened? Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had that deep talk at the ridge, wouldn’t have realized how similar we were in terms of how bad we are with gaining closure lmao. I’ve never felt more comfortable to cry as hard as I have about the death of a fictional character as I have been with you, and that speaks volumes because I hate crying in front of other people. Last summer was by far one of the best summers I have ever experienced and I’m grateful to have spent a majority of it with you. Thanks for saving my ass when I snuck out of the house that one time and for staying up and feeding me after I got back from being out until 3am. Now that school’s out, let’s get on that mf tanning grinddddddd. ily bitch. I swear, I feel like I have I lot more to say for you but right now I’m coming up blank. But I feel like you already know what else there is that I have to say... if not, I’m saving it for your birthday (hurry up and be 18 already goddamn). 

Laureen: Laureen you already know we’re on the same wavelength lmao. Even though I feel like I see you the least of all in the group, it’s comforting to know that it doesn’t lessen the integrity (sorry to give u ptsd from the diploma) of our friendship. Being born on days that are so close together really be hitting us different. I swear, there have been so many times where we’re just thinking about the exact same thing, which is both cool and creepy. LIKE OUR GOD TALKS OMF. Seeing that we’re both the moms of the group, we gotta stick together to take care of our crackhead children. But fr, I trust you with everything. My future children, my own life, my phone, my butler ;) How are you not my emergency contact, honestly? We need to have a car talk and see what comes out of that. There is so much more I have to fill you in on. (also don’t forget about clubbing next Thursday eeooow). 

Joscelynn: Let me tell you, Joscelynn, how big of a blessing it is to have you live so close to me. Out of everything that you’ve done for me, I think the one I’m most grateful for is for the time that you “broke” into my house to check if I unplugged my straightener LMAOO... or that time when you just hugged me while I was breaking down in the washroom at the end of the day where I had a test for all four periods. As much as I don’t know who most of your tea is about, it’s nice to know that you’re comfortable to confide in me and the whole group about all kinds of things, even when we don’t ask for the kind of detail you provide HAHAHAHA. Also, thanks for always coming in clutch with all the board games. Much love, Pennywise. <3

Diane: I know we sort of hit a wall with our friendship at one point, but I’m really happy that we were still able to recover from it and rekindle our friendship. I understand that the circumstance is all different now, and we aren’t as attached to one another as we once were back in junior high, but I think there’s some good in that because we were able to grow at our own pace. Although we have to admit that we did grow a little bit apart as well in the process, I like that we are both still able to reminisce fondly on the moments we’ve shared in the past. You’re one of the brightest minds I know :). I feel like I never told you enough but I always appreciated how easily you could bring a smile to people’s faces. Yeah, keep doing it. If you ever need to vent, I’m only a 4-minute scooter ride away. 

Anna: Holy shit sis, idek where to begin. You’re by far the biggest reason why I was able to haul my ass through to the end of high school. If you didn’t look out for my water intake, or the little errors in my calculations... I don’t even want to imagine it. You’ve done so much for me and have had to endure all of my shit that I can’t encapsulate it all into a single letter. I can’t thank you enough for all the memes that have made me piss myself on countless occasions, no matter how old they were nor how often I would look back on it, for recommending me to the program that will finally release me from the constraints of the status of being a “broke ass bitch”, for staying up with me discussing all kinds of things from the environment and ethics, to fortunes, astrology, love, and TEA. We’ve both seen each other at our most vulnerable and beaten down state (which is literally every English class), and we’ve celebrated each other’s triumphs, but most importantly, laughed at our failures (English, again omg). I can’t help but get emotional whenever I think of how you’re gonna be leaving soon for UBC, but it’s not like that’s going to affect how often we keep in touch anyways lol. We can’t just have the kettle always overflow, you know? Fr tho, I’m big fucking sad about you leaving, but I’m also so proud of how far you’ve come. I really don’t know how tf I’m supposed to be able to cope with suddenly not seeing you everyday. Ugh, ew I’m crying now but as I was saying, thank you for everything. I can’t wait to get those dream recorders out on the market after we’ve gathered all the knowledge on neuro/psych and business so we don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night and write out the dreams in our notes anymore. I’ll miss you a fuck ton ON GOD. 

Cheyenne: Cheyenne!! I’m so glad I met you and Anna when I did :)) we made the best chemistry lab group, we basically made titration our mf bitch. There was always so much comfort in knowing that we were all on the same page about not getting assignments done on time for English lmao. You just hear that sigh of absolute relief. I’m happy to have become close enough with you for you to be able to trust me with all the stuff you’ve spilt, and for reading your cards when you need them read. I can’t wait for all of us to actually do shit together this summer, I don’t even understand how we let the summers prior pass us like that. In all seriousness though, Cheyenne, you’re so kind and genuine, I’m glad we’ve gotten a lot closer this year. After summer, I guess I’ll be seeing you around campus!! 

Yuan: Bitch, hay nako. Where to start? I don’t think I’ve ever been quiet OR in a bad mood after hanging out with you. I’m glad that I was able to count on you to distract me from getting any work done in class and for getting photos of mee sleeping. Grabe, nakakabwiset HAHAHAHA. Actually though, I don’t think we’ve been close-close up until recently but I’m still so happy that we are now kasi ang saya mong kasama. Not a lot of people can convince me to speak Tagalog so already that says something. Basta, I’ll keep this short cause it’s not like we’re not seeing each other over the summer. We’ve got a lot of time to make more memories. Pwede nang uminom (thank God). Thanks for all the laughs, and for keeping up with the bullshit I write on this page lol. 

Joaquin: Hey, “best friend” wassup?? We haven’t been close for long either. In fact, we’ve barely just hit the 2-week mark of our friendship. But I will say that that was the most last minute transition from acquaintance - close friend. Even though we’ve been in at least one class together during each of the three years, we weren’t necessarily on active talking terms... until now. Thus far, every moment I’ve spent with you and Yuan, or just you, have all been for the books. I don’t think I’ve laughed as much as I had on that one day that we went to Southcentre. Already I can say that you’re one of the greatest people I know: generous, kindhearted, hilarious, and with a great taste in music. I’m excited for whatever it is that ends up happening in the summer, spontaneous or planned, I can’t wait. :D Ps. Thanks for getting me out of the house lol.

Jay: James, bruh. We haven’t been in touch lately, but I feel like you already know what’s coming to you, considering a majority of my indirects to you are basically just going to get reiterated right at this moment. Always know that I genuinely appreciate all of the deep talks we’ve had in the past and that you’re one of the few people I trust to openly express my thoughts to. I hope everything with tennis continues to go well, and that we get to catch up soon ‘cause lowkey it has been TOO long since we’ve last talked-talked.  

Maxine: Max, by the time you’re back on social media, you’re probably never gonna see this because it’s going to be buried so deep into my feed and I know that you’re too lazy to scroll that far down, but I’m gonna write it anyway. We’ve been friends for awhile now, and only now, in our second semester of senior year, did we manage to get into the same class ever since junior high, and it’s safe to say that there has never been a dull moment with you... to the point where I’m pretty sure we made the teacher hate us. I don’t know why you were so set on saying goodbye today when we literally live in the same community and have each other’s numbers, but aight lol. Max, you really be the OG out here. Every time we talk we can’t help but reminisce on how much we sucked ass at opening our own lockers in grade 7 and to this day it still cracks me tf up. Thank you for dealing w my bs after all this time, and for letting me stay at your place before and after school in junior high. ily  

Jerry and Cam: Y’all we go WAYYY back. Even though you guys didn’t attend school at bob, I still wanted to make a point of thanking the both of you for reconnecting. Plus, this is one of the few opportunities I have to acknowledge the support of my audience (LMFAO) so I thought “why not?”. We’ve only hung out once since February (or March? idek), but that’s definitely gotta change now that we’ve got a lot more free time. Y’all know where to find me when you need advice/opinions/someone to talk to when you’re bored/a tour guide to the boring south lmao (or maybe not that.. I lack street smarts). 

That’s it. I’m also probably going to email my teachers because I did not have the time nor the energy to do anything before the last day of school so that’s how they’re going to get it. Is this what it means to be eco-friendly?? Writing emails instead of actual handwritten cards??? I mean.. okay I guess. 

In conclusion, ending the senior year is bittersweet. If there’s anything I’ve learned from going through it all, it’s that you should get all your shit over with in your grade 10 and 11 years, so you’ll be cruisin by senior year. Also, don’t deprive yourself of hanging out with friends. That shit sucks ass and you’ll regret it a lot. 

ps. just because high school is ending, does NOT mean that this is the end of Danie’s Dilemmas. You really think the tea’s gonna stop there??

For now. 

Keep up. 

x

[jessicakehoe]

How This Shoe Designer Quit Her Fast Fashion Habit

As one of the two founders of indie shoe brand Freda Salvador (which counts Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Lawrence and Gina Rodriguez as fans), Megan Papay understands both the struggles and thrills of running a small business. An admirer of small brands like her own—which she runs in Sausalito, California, with co-founder Cristina Palomo-Nelson—Papay started to become increasingly frustrated seeing the work of these little-labels-that-could get ripped off by fast fashion brands. In her resolve to support independent businesses, Papay made a commitment to patronize brands and boutiques that fell under one of three categories: vintage, local or consignment.

Over the course of two years, that experiment turned into a way of life, with Papay documenting her journey on an Instagram account dedicated to the purpose: @TheVCLProject. Now, her shopping habits have changed forever, thanks to a more mindful relationship with her wardrobe and a more responsible approach to consumerism. If you’re looking for a New Year’s resolution for 2019 that reduces your environmental impact, this might just be it. Read on to learn more about Papay’s experience off the fast fashion track.

Where did the idea for The VCL Project come from?

I run Freda Salvador’s social media and spend a lot of time on Instagram following other brands, large and small. Because little brands have so much power now, their audience can grow fairly quickly, and I remember seeing little brands that I’d been rooting for along the way getting knocked off by bigger brands. I know it happens all the time, in fast fashion, brands copy each other but it started making me increasingly sad and angry that these tiny brands are getting their products knocked off on Instagram. I have so much passion for supporting young makers and people like Cristina and I, just living out our dreams and making so many sacrifices along the way. So I was like I don’t want to buy that stuff anymore but I do want to support local, small businesses. I want to know where the product is coming from, I want to know who’s making it, and why. So that was the impetus behind it.

View this post on Instagram

Day 54 #thevclproject #vintage #consignment #local #shoplocal #slowfashion #smallbusiness

A post shared by ✨Vintage, Consigned, Local ✨ (@thevclproject) on Nov 21, 2017 at 6:03pm PST

Does shopping like this require more effort on your part, and a more mindful strategy going into it? It does but I enjoy it. It’s so much more fun for me. Before, I never enjoyed going to a mall and shopping at Zara. I’d be like ‘ugh I hate everything in my closet, I just need something new’ so I’d just pop in and bring like 30 pieces to the dressing room. The whole thing was not a pleasant experience from start to finish and I never really felt that good even when I got the pieces. It’s like, ‘I feel cuter but it’s nothing I’m overly psyched about.’ Now the experience is so much more pleasant and you never know what you’re going to find. Vintage is a passion of mine, and so is consignment and locally made clothing. I’m on my second year of it and I’ve never been tempted to look at or even think about [fast fashion] anymore.

Sometimes when things are really cheap you don’t think twice before buying them and then next thing you know you have a closet full of things you’ve only worn once and have no connection to. Did you end up getting rid of all your stuff from before when you began this project?

I did a huge purge but I still have some of the things that were just good quality or had sentimental value. If I love them I’m still going to wear them. I definitely have a lot of pants and old sweaters that I never want to get rid of.

View this post on Instagram

#thevclproject #vintage #consignment #local #shoplocal #smallbusiness

A post shared by ✨Vintage, Consigned, Local ✨ (@thevclproject) on Jan 19, 2018 at 6:15pm PST

Was the environment something you thought about going into this, about the positive impact of sustainable shopping?

Yes, absolutely. When I would do closet cleanses, I realised I was giving so much stuff away. Bags and bags of clothes. It was so cheap and easy to get rid of and part with. Things kept coming and going so quickly, and I’d make myself feel better by saying ‘oh I’m passing it on to someone.’ But if everyone has eight bags of clothes every year they’re giving away, it’s just so much. I realised there had to be a better way.

Even when you give stuff away, those places don’t know what to do with it because they’re just getting so much of it all the time.

It’s so true. I was dropping some things off at Goodwill once and I had categorized it into my stuff, my daughter’s sweaters, etc and the guy there was like ‘that was really nice of you.’ Often times people just bring piles of stuff, which they don’t always have the time to sort through and so it gets shipped to the next place which is most likely a landfill.

View this post on Instagram

day four 🌾 #thevclproject #slowfashion #vintage #consignment #shoplocal #fashion

A post shared by ✨Vintage, Consigned, Local ✨ (@thevclproject) on Sep 25, 2017 at 5:05pm PDT

What did you learn about yourself and how you dress through this process?

I’m so much more adventurous in my style because I have better things. I have pieces that speak to me. You fall in love with each piece as opposed to trying to put whole outfits together. My closet is very wearable now, because there’s no set “outfit,” it’s just a collection of great pieces. Plus, my style’s better because I don’t have the same things that everyone else has.

So do you think your approach to shopping has changed for good? Yes. I shop differently now. I’m not going out looking for specific things anymore, I just buy what I fall in love with, if it’s in my price range, and I build my wardrobe as opposed to stocking my closet for the season. It’s changed my whole perception of my closet.

What advice would you give to people wanting to try this for themselves? Just plant the seeds. You don’t have to change your whole wardrobe; even if it’s 80/20 or 60/40, it’s a step in the right direction.

The post How This Shoe Designer Quit Her Fast Fashion Habit appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

How This Shoe Designer Quit Her Fast Fashion Habit published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[yes-dal456]

Forget Body Positivity: How About Body Neutrality?

By Marisa Meltzer

It is late afternoon on a sunny day in Vermont and around a dozen people are gathered to talk about their bodies. They’re all staying at Green Mountain at Fox Run, a retreat where women (and only women) stay from one week to several months to learn healthy eating habits and make peace with their bodies. It’s much more bare bones than a spa, and rather than focus on numbers, like a typical weight-loss program, the aim is to teach women how to change the way they think about food. The days are structured, with classes on meal planning, goal setting, self-care, and workouts like yoga and strength training. Even meals are to be eaten mindfully, with a weekly exercise that involves savoring every bite of a tiny dessert.

That journey to peace is a lot easier said than done, as the group, who range from college age to their 40s, is learning in the Body Neutrality workshop, led by the program director Anne Poirier, BS, CSCS, CIEC, whose previous job was running the fitness program at Colby-Sawyer College. She has prompted everyone to consider “what your body felt like and looked like at different times in your life” and they’re all jotting notes down in a binder with Green Mountain’s “womanifesto” printed on it (“too often, our lives play out on the stage between our ears”). A blonde in her 30s talks about being a former competitive swimmer who feels shame because she gained weight; a brunette next to her talks about how, despite losing half her body weight in college, she always feels obese.

Poirier listens to all of this and nods. “There’s a whole movement talking about loving our bodies. But it’s kind of a long jump to move there from dissatisfaction,” she says. “Some people are just going to land in body neutrality, which is the term we utilize here for somewhere in the middle.” It’s a kind of détente, a white flag, a way station between hating oneself and loving oneself.

*****

If we judged how we felt as a culture about our bodies just by Instagram alone, the results would be mixed at best. There are the celebrities shilling sketchy tea detoxes, all the sweaty post-workout selfies our friends post, and countless pretty, proportionate girls in an array of sizes posing in bikinis encouraging all of us, no matter our weight, to embrace our curves, to shun diets, to just love our bodies — and, by extension, ourselves —already.

“My problem with body love, beside the fact that it’s a high standard, is it’s asking women to regulate their emotions, not just their bodies,” says Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, author of Face Value: The Hidden Ways Beauty Shapes Women’s Lives. “I don’t see the pressure on women really easing up, and then you’re supposed to have this bulletproof self-esteem on top of all that. It’s not something we can really live up to. Body love keeps the focus on the body. The times I’m happiest are when I’m not thinking about my body at all.”

The way that we feel about our bodies, she notes, is not a simple upward graph where one day we vow to love ourselves and each day we progress forward on the journey to embracing our thighs that touch or total lack of six-pack abs. “It’s a topographical map, it’s fluctuating. And that’s normal and healthy.”

Another thing that’s unavoidable: feeling less than unqualified joy about what you see in the mirror. “If you’re even a tiny bit of a critical person, there are always things that are wrong with everything. We have this notion of love that is connected to perfectionism — the image that we should be in bliss all the time is so strong in our culture,” says Joan Chrisler, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Connecticut College in New London. What might instead be a more successful and realistic approach is to think, “You have the body you have and accept what you have. It’s an essential part of yourself.” At least it’s something to work toward.

“I don’t think I know anybody who walks around every day thinking, ‘I am loving this today,’” says Kelsey Miller with a laugh. She’s the 29-year-old New York–based author of the memoir Big Girl: How I Gave Up Dieting and Got a Life. Perhaps ironically, while she was writing the book about learning to love her body, she was working around the clock, barely having time to exercise and living on takeout by necessity. “I put on weight. I was thinking, here I am supposed to be body positive but I don’t feel psyched about this right now.”

She vowed not to let it ruin her life, nor her sense of accomplishment at finishing a book, even if she wasn’t her most satisfied. Part of the implicit goal of body neutrality is to free up all the energy and attention that women often devote to body angst so that they can care about other matters instead. “I realized my body is going along with my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that — I hadn’t committed a terrible crime. If I can’t like this, I have to be able to accept it, otherwise I’m not going to live my life.” One thing she committed to was to stay resolutely in the present, with no place for magical thinking about losing ten pounds in a week. In the weeks that followed, she didn’t go on a crash diet or start weighing herself religiously to mark her progress, but instead simply let her life return to normal. Miller went to barre classes and “remembered what a joy it was to make my own damn breakfast,” she laughs. “I don’t weigh myself but I know I’ve lost some weight. My message to my body was, thanks for getting me through this and not breaking down, and now I can devote time to doing what makes you feel good: sweating, eating homemade food, going to sleep.”

Wanting to be fit isn’t antithetical to body neutrality, nor is dieting. “But it’s a tricky balance,” says Elena Ramirez, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the University of Vermont in Burlington. “It’s reasonable, if someone is overweight, that they should lose weight. It’s all about moderation and being grounded in reality instead of avoiding the issue.” Body neutrality isn’t a license to throw in the towel, dive head-first into a pile of chips, and give up on feeling healthy, but to move on from the mindset of needing to lose weight or worrying about what you see in the mirror to focusing on how you feel. “It doesn’t mean suddenly stopping things like being physically active or choosing nutritious foods. Just focus on what feels good: dancing, bike rides, going on a walk, eating more vegetables, meditating, taking a bubble bath, getting a massage,” says Chrisler. “Sometimes you’ll lose weight without trying. The important part is not delaying your happiness until then and remind yourself not to be so demanding.”

Thirty-one-year-old Mara Glatzel is a life coach in Cape Cod who helps women come to terms with their bodies. But she wasn’t always in such a good place. In fact, she uses the words “damaged” and “difficult” to describe her relationship with her body. “I was just constantly creating plans — diets, workouts — which all had to do with how I looked to somebody else,” she says. So instead of jumping straight from a place of loathing to love, she shifted her focus to “things I was overlooking. I picked one or two things to focus on, really simple ones like brushing my teeth and making sure I washed my face before bed or drinking enough water,” she says. “ But it worked because I tried to turn down the volume of what I think about. Now I take good care of myself.” For some of us, that’s enough of a breakthrough right there.

Try thinking about your body the way you think about friends and family, says Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute. “The way I like to look at this is, think about your best friend. Is she perfect? Well, no. Are you mean to her because she’s not?” she says. “There is nobody out there who is a perfect ten emotionally or physically and yet people fall in love with people all the time. Look at your partner and you might say, ‘Well, he has a receding hairline but is funny and loyal and has beautiful eyes.’”

Working on neutrality — and it is an ever-evolving process — is ultimately about how you want to allocate your time and focus. “Neutrality is the freedom to go about your day without such a strong focus on your body,” says Kearney-Cooke. “We have only so much energy, where do we want to use it? There are lots of other things that need attention. You don’t want to neglect your body, so you listen to it, and are aware of the function it serves.”

Melissa A. Fabello, a 31-year-old Ph.D. candidate in Philadelphia, wrote a blog post on body neutrality in 2015 (the term seems to have been popping up on the internet for the past few years, but Green Mountain applied to trademark it last year) that sums up how it can be both a joy and a relief for those of us who have previously felt only body turmoil. Body neutrality is “going to the Cheesecake Factory and perusing their ‘Skinnylicious’ (ugh, I hate that name) menu just because you want more options to choose from,” she wrote. “It’s ordering S’mores cheesecake because it strikes you as sounding amazing. It’s only eating half of it because that’s when you get full. It’s taking it home for later, in case you need a midnight snack.”

Talking on the phone, Fabello said just the idea that a kind of peace with our bodies is possible is important. “I’m in a place where I can order pizza without a problem and not feel bad about myself all the time.” But that was not always the case. As a conventionally attractive, relatively thin woman, she had a positive body image growing up. Then, she gained a lot of weight for her frame — around 25 pounds — when she went to college. In her early 20s, she was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who would tell her she was fat and needed to go to the gym. After he broke up with her, “I thought, well I’ll show him,” she says. “I went on the first serious diet of my life, spiraled out of control and was diagnosed with an eating disorder. After that I had to do some work to get to a place where I felt okay about myself.”

One thing she does is recognize that negative thoughts about her body are a pattern, one she doesn’t have to just succumb to. “We spiral and make up stories about how bad they are. I don’t have to place a value on it,” she says. “So if I think, I don’t like my thighs, I will think about my thighs in terms of how they actually are. What are the things I need my thighs for? They hold me up, I can walk, I can bend down. It sounds trite, but we lose sight that our bodies are to help us move through the world.”

*****

Back in Vermont at Green Mountain, Anne Poirier sits down after teaching and talks about her personal history. “My journey is yo-yo dieting, diet after diet, and never happy with my body. I’m tired and I don’t like how much it has occupied my whole life.” She calls all the space food talk takes up in her brain “Judge Foodie.”

When asked about whether she has gotten to body acceptance, she shakes her head no. “I honor and respect my body. I like feeling strong, certain things I like, but I can’t say I love it.” Instead of sounding like a failure, the revelation that she’s making her way through the spectrum of body hate to body love and falls somewhere in the middle makes it sound more real and more achievable. “Body neutrality is experiential and not something that happens overnight,” says Poirier. “It’s one awareness at a time, one thought at a time.”

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Yoga, Meditation, and a Yurt: My Weekend at a Breakup Retreat

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[imreviewblog]

Forget Body Positivity: How About Body Neutrality?

By Marisa Meltzer

It is late afternoon on a sunny day in Vermont and around a dozen people are gathered to talk about their bodies. They’re all staying at Green Mountain at Fox Run, a retreat where women (and only women) stay from one week to several months to learn healthy eating habits and make peace with their bodies. It’s much more bare bones than a spa, and rather than focus on numbers, like a typical weight-loss program, the aim is to teach women how to change the way they think about food. The days are structured, with classes on meal planning, goal setting, self-care, and workouts like yoga and strength training. Even meals are to be eaten mindfully, with a weekly exercise that involves savoring every bite of a tiny dessert.

That journey to peace is a lot easier said than done, as the group, who range from college age to their 40s, is learning in the Body Neutrality workshop, led by the program director Anne Poirier, BS, CSCS, CIEC, whose previous job was running the fitness program at Colby-Sawyer College. She has prompted everyone to consider “what your body felt like and looked like at different times in your life” and they’re all jotting notes down in a binder with Green Mountain’s “womanifesto” printed on it (“too often, our lives play out on the stage between our ears”). A blonde in her 30s talks about being a former competitive swimmer who feels shame because she gained weight; a brunette next to her talks about how, despite losing half her body weight in college, she always feels obese.

Poirier listens to all of this and nods. “There’s a whole movement talking about loving our bodies. But it’s kind of a long jump to move there from dissatisfaction,” she says. “Some people are just going to land in body neutrality, which is the term we utilize here for somewhere in the middle.” It’s a kind of détente, a white flag, a way station between hating oneself and loving oneself.

*****

If we judged how we felt as a culture about our bodies just by Instagram alone, the results would be mixed at best. There are the celebrities shilling sketchy tea detoxes, all the sweaty post-workout selfies our friends post, and countless pretty, proportionate girls in an array of sizes posing in bikinis encouraging all of us, no matter our weight, to embrace our curves, to shun diets, to just love our bodies — and, by extension, ourselves —already.

“My problem with body love, beside the fact that it’s a high standard, is it’s asking women to regulate their emotions, not just their bodies,” says Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, author of Face Value: The Hidden Ways Beauty Shapes Women’s Lives. “I don’t see the pressure on women really easing up, and then you’re supposed to have this bulletproof self-esteem on top of all that. It’s not something we can really live up to. Body love keeps the focus on the body. The times I’m happiest are when I’m not thinking about my body at all.”

The way that we feel about our bodies, she notes, is not a simple upward graph where one day we vow to love ourselves and each day we progress forward on the journey to embracing our thighs that touch or total lack of six-pack abs. “It’s a topographical map, it’s fluctuating. And that’s normal and healthy.”

Another thing that’s unavoidable: feeling less than unqualified joy about what you see in the mirror. “If you’re even a tiny bit of a critical person, there are always things that are wrong with everything. We have this notion of love that is connected to perfectionism — the image that we should be in bliss all the time is so strong in our culture,” says Joan Chrisler, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Connecticut College in New London. What might instead be a more successful and realistic approach is to think, “You have the body you have and accept what you have. It’s an essential part of yourself.” At least it’s something to work toward.

“I don’t think I know anybody who walks around every day thinking, ‘I am loving this today,’” says Kelsey Miller with a laugh. She’s the 29-year-old New York–based author of the memoir Big Girl: How I Gave Up Dieting and Got a Life. Perhaps ironically, while she was writing the book about learning to love her body, she was working around the clock, barely having time to exercise and living on takeout by necessity. “I put on weight. I was thinking, here I am supposed to be body positive but I don’t feel psyched about this right now.”

She vowed not to let it ruin her life, nor her sense of accomplishment at finishing a book, even if she wasn’t her most satisfied. Part of the implicit goal of body neutrality is to free up all the energy and attention that women often devote to body angst so that they can care about other matters instead. “I realized my body is going along with my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that — I hadn’t committed a terrible crime. If I can’t like this, I have to be able to accept it, otherwise I’m not going to live my life.” One thing she committed to was to stay resolutely in the present, with no place for magical thinking about losing ten pounds in a week. In the weeks that followed, she didn’t go on a crash diet or start weighing herself religiously to mark her progress, but instead simply let her life return to normal. Miller went to barre classes and “remembered what a joy it was to make my own damn breakfast,” she laughs. “I don’t weigh myself but I know I’ve lost some weight. My message to my body was, thanks for getting me through this and not breaking down, and now I can devote time to doing what makes you feel good: sweating, eating homemade food, going to sleep.”

Wanting to be fit isn’t antithetical to body neutrality, nor is dieting. “But it’s a tricky balance,” says Elena Ramirez, Ph.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychology at the University of Vermont in Burlington. “It’s reasonable, if someone is overweight, that they should lose weight. It’s all about moderation and being grounded in reality instead of avoiding the issue.” Body neutrality isn’t a license to throw in the towel, dive head-first into a pile of chips, and give up on feeling healthy, but to move on from the mindset of needing to lose weight or worrying about what you see in the mirror to focusing on how you feel. “It doesn’t mean suddenly stopping things like being physically active or choosing nutritious foods. Just focus on what feels good: dancing, bike rides, going on a walk, eating more vegetables, meditating, taking a bubble bath, getting a massage,” says Chrisler. “Sometimes you’ll lose weight without trying. The important part is not delaying your happiness until then and remind yourself not to be so demanding.”

Thirty-one-year-old Mara Glatzel is a life coach in Cape Cod who helps women come to terms with their bodies. But she wasn’t always in such a good place. In fact, she uses the words “damaged” and “difficult” to describe her relationship with her body. “I was just constantly creating plans — diets, workouts — which all had to do with how I looked to somebody else,” she says. So instead of jumping straight from a place of loathing to love, she shifted her focus to “things I was overlooking. I picked one or two things to focus on, really simple ones like brushing my teeth and making sure I washed my face before bed or drinking enough water,” she says. “ But it worked because I tried to turn down the volume of what I think about. Now I take good care of myself.” For some of us, that’s enough of a breakthrough right there.

Try thinking about your body the way you think about friends and family, says Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute. “The way I like to look at this is, think about your best friend. Is she perfect? Well, no. Are you mean to her because she’s not?” she says. “There is nobody out there who is a perfect ten emotionally or physically and yet people fall in love with people all the time. Look at your partner and you might say, ‘Well, he has a receding hairline but is funny and loyal and has beautiful eyes.’”

Working on neutrality — and it is an ever-evolving process — is ultimately about how you want to allocate your time and focus. “Neutrality is the freedom to go about your day without such a strong focus on your body,” says Kearney-Cooke. “We have only so much energy, where do we want to use it? There are lots of other things that need attention. You don’t want to neglect your body, so you listen to it, and are aware of the function it serves.”

Melissa A. Fabello, a 31-year-old Ph.D. candidate in Philadelphia, wrote a blog post on body neutrality in 2015 (the term seems to have been popping up on the internet for the past few years, but Green Mountain applied to trademark it last year) that sums up how it can be both a joy and a relief for those of us who have previously felt only body turmoil. Body neutrality is “going to the Cheesecake Factory and perusing their ‘Skinnylicious’ (ugh, I hate that name) menu just because you want more options to choose from,” she wrote. “It’s ordering S’mores cheesecake because it strikes you as sounding amazing. It’s only eating half of it because that’s when you get full. It’s taking it home for later, in case you need a midnight snack.”

Talking on the phone, Fabello said just the idea that a kind of peace with our bodies is possible is important. “I’m in a place where I can order pizza without a problem and not feel bad about myself all the time.” But that was not always the case. As a conventionally attractive, relatively thin woman, she had a positive body image growing up. Then, she gained a lot of weight for her frame — around 25 pounds — when she went to college. In her early 20s, she was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who would tell her she was fat and needed to go to the gym. After he broke up with her, “I thought, well I’ll show him,” she says. “I went on the first serious diet of my life, spiraled out of control and was diagnosed with an eating disorder. After that I had to do some work to get to a place where I felt okay about myself.”

One thing she does is recognize that negative thoughts about her body are a pattern, one she doesn’t have to just succumb to. “We spiral and make up stories about how bad they are. I don’t have to place a value on it,” she says. “So if I think, I don’t like my thighs, I will think about my thighs in terms of how they actually are. What are the things I need my thighs for? They hold me up, I can walk, I can bend down. It sounds trite, but we lose sight that our bodies are to help us move through the world.”

*****

Back in Vermont at Green Mountain, Anne Poirier sits down after teaching and talks about her personal history. “My journey is yo-yo dieting, diet after diet, and never happy with my body. I’m tired and I don’t like how much it has occupied my whole life.” She calls all the space food talk takes up in her brain “Judge Foodie.”

When asked about whether she has gotten to body acceptance, she shakes her head no. “I honor and respect my body. I like feeling strong, certain things I like, but I can’t say I love it.” Instead of sounding like a failure, the revelation that she’s making her way through the spectrum of body hate to body love and falls somewhere in the middle makes it sound more real and more achievable. “Body neutrality is experiential and not something that happens overnight,” says Poirier. “It’s one awareness at a time, one thought at a time.”

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