#ugh drawing has felt slow recently I keep making sketches and then deciding that they’re bland or too similar to things I’ve drawn before

[echojedis]

He’s all I want to draw atm

[stripestheboar]

So... recently celebrated my birthday a couple days ago. Decided to sketch a little thing in thirty minutes. Finally got me to work up the willpower to start posting again.

So. Where I’ve been.

I recently got a job, hence the slowness. It’s been a bit stressful, but hey, money is money, amaright?

I’m getting back onto my schedule again. Now that my big day has passed, I’m going to start being productive like I’ve used to be. I still need to answer long overdue asks. I still need to get back to drawing.

Remember: practice makes perfect. I’m always trying to remind myself of that. No matter what.

.

..

...

Did I ever tell you guys why I stopped doing fanfiction years ago? I used to be a writer for myriad of fandoms, but soon enough, I left them all one day. I had chapters created and ready to post and whatnot and... well... I never found the strength to finish the story. I chalked it up to laziness, and to be fair, it was a big part of it. But after a while, I realized it was because I was just... embarassed.

I write fanfiction on the internet. I got a Tumblr so I could recieve at least a moment of validation with every little heart that appears or every reblog I recieve. I also got a blog so I could... y’know... blog. But everytime I try to write something about myself or how I feel about something, I usually end up deleting it before I can even get it out there out of shame. It’s not that I’m afraid that people won’t like me; I’m afraid that it’s not what they want out of my blog. It’s an Undertale blog. It’s a Batman blog. Either way, people don’t want to hear about my thoughts on this or that; people want what they came for, whether it’s comedy or reading material or what have you.

I feel shame for the way I feel, as odd as that sounds. I get enbarassed about what I create. It took me four chapters of From Within the Core before I was just like... “what the fuck am I writing?” The Mad Hatter’s Guide to Happiness on my other blog is another one. I reread the chapters and constantly hit myself over the head for every poor literary choice I make. “You made him too snarky,” I’d scold myself. “That’s not what people want to see.” I mean, it’s all things I personally like, but I feel as though it’s an embarassment to everyone else. I’m afraid people will like me less when I reveal all my ships. I’m afraid people will judge me based off of who I am in real life. I’m afraid to open up because I think people will become uninterested in my blog if I do.

Ugh... I’m a year older. Aren’t I supposed to be happier around this time?

...

Y’know, even though I was embarassed, I never deleted the old stories I posted. All the shitty fanfiction of romance and horribly written jokes I though were funny back when I was a dipshit? Back before I discovered Tumblr? I never found the heart to delete them. I’m embarassed, yeah, but I still keep them around. Probably because it’s a testament to my improvement. To show that I’ve worked hard to get to the level of where I’m at. That I truly have a passion for writing, even if some of the ideas were so cringeworthy I felt as though my thorax would collapse and I’d be sucked into the fourth demension.

They’re stupid... but they’re me. I liked it, and that’s why I did it. That’s why I still do it. I just... want to feel something, y’know? Something special that video games or reading could never grant me. I just want to express myself.

...

It’s 11:30 at night.

I’m not even going to bother editing this.

I’m sorry if this was all shit you didn’t care about.

I think I’m gonna be sick.

Happy Birthday, me.