#twrecovery

[u-r--lovely]

I’m 2 months sh free which is the longest I’ve gone in 3 yrs and things are still hard. I haven’t been able to socialize because I feel if I do then I’ll have to sh. I don’t have a therapist and I’m only going to two awful online group therapies a week. The only thing helping is seeing my dietitian twice a month. I’m in grad school, working more, watching tv, and reading sometimes. I just don’t see how this is much better than when I was numbing myself out by shing. Like yes, things are OK. I’m OK. I’m alive, I’m getting by but my one roommates gone for the next week and a half and I seriously don’t know how I’m gonna get by without her since I’m mostly alone. Like what is the entire point of not shing?? I might as well go back to doing it every so often until I can see my old therapist again which could be 4-5 months from now or literally never again. I’m over 3 months clean from the really really bad shing behavior and I relapsed w/ that after 4 months so idk why I can’t just go back to that for just a little tiny bit. Like I won’t do it as much as before only maybe once a week and that way I can keep up with my physical health. The only reason I’ve had to stop is cuz I get way out of control with it. If I do it only a tiny bit and have some goddamn self control then I could just keep doing it for as long as I want too. Once a week wouldn’t cause severe side effects especially if I keep up with taking vitamins, eating enough, sleeping enough etc. I just can’t do anything to cause me to go inpatient bc I can’t miss out on grad school whatsoever. So I simply don’t have the time for more treatment. I literally need to just have this self controlled chaos and be in control of this thing so that I can keep doing it. I had to stop before because it became my entire life and I have so many other important things to do. Anyways, I will see what happens I guess. Hopefully things don’t get out of control and I can have my sh and the things I care about.